Hall Of Technical Documentation Weirdness

An anonymous reader submits: "Generally speaking, with the exception of Tina on Dilbert, technical writers aren't very funny. This is something of a rare and unintentional exception. This guy has assembled a bunch of examples of bizarre technical illustration. There's only about 15 at the moment, but he's collecting further examples."

Comments

Others

[L-s-L69]

To go with... McDonalds coffee: "May be hot." Ready meals: "Remove plastic before cooking" Nitol (sleep tablets) "May cause drowsyness" Laxitives "exessive consumption may produce laxitive effect." The list is endless.

Re:Others

[91degrees]

Peanuts - "May contain peanuts". I really like the lack of certainty with this one.

Re:Others

[Anonymous Coward]

On a packet of peanuts

"May contain traces of nuts"

Re:Others

[JanneM]

Actually, Ie done that with a pizza. It came in a sort of plastic tray with a tear-off plastic cover. The instructions was to "remove the cover and put the pizza in the oven". I was tired, unfocused (and had had quite a few beers), so I removed the plastic cover, and put the pizza in the oven - still in the plastic tray.

It takes quite a bit of work to get rid of melted, burnt, pizza-flavoured plastic from an oven.

Re:Others

[Yxes]

it's in our speech everday though.

"I found it in the last place that I looked"
- why would you keep looking?

"needless to say"
- then why say it?

"no offense but..."
- you know you're about to be offended

"new and improved"
- if it's new? how can you improve it?

"save money by purchasing..."
- really?

on a tv ad for bioflex
"to loose the weight you need to add muscle..."
- really?

this list too is endless...

Re:Others

[Anonymous Coward]

My favorite was the warning on children's cough syrup to "not operate heavy equipment or drive". They may have removed the warning by now; my youngest child is 22 now.

Re:Others

[MikeCT]

From an IBM manual: "The difference between a database management system and other systems is that a database management system helps manage the database for you ...."

An here's a comment taken from a COBOL program I once had to maintain. It actually does make sense if you manage to guess the right punctuation:
"If not amending after total blank lines are shuffled up after total blanked lines are left blank in table to avoid shuffling."

Re:Others

[zx75]

Hey, you know what? I have a cousin who has screwed up a pizza-in-a-box twice now, once because he didn't take off the plastic, and the second time because he didn't take the cardboard out from under it...

Maybe some people need those warnings. :)

Re:Others

[Anonymous Coward]

Extreme allergies to nuts are a very big problem. It's not like you just get a bit of an itch or feel a little nauseous, if you're allergic to nuts it's highly likely you can completely stop breathing or go into a coma caused by the effects of them. You can't be too careful; I'm not allergic myself, but it's a fairly common allergy.

Re:Others

[Ominous Coward]

yes, but if you have peanut allergies, you shouldn't be eating peanuts. It's not like you'd see the lack of warning, and assume then, that it's ok to eat them.

Re:Others

[kpansky]

> "I found it in the last place that I looked"
> - why would you keep looking?

Really, thats a colloquialism for "last place I would ever have looked."

> "new and improved"
> - if it's new? how can you improve it?

You can have a "new", undriven, 2002 car. A 2003 model of a car is equally "new" but also probably improved with new features or amenities.

> on a tv ad for bioflex
> "to loose the weight you need to add muscle..."
> - really?

Muscle actually has a much higher density than fat, thus adding muscle very well might increase your weight.

I could keep going, but I have work to do, and can't remember the proper grammatical term for "I wont even mention..." and other such phrases.

Re:Others

[javatips]

Muscle actually has a much higher density than fat, thus adding muscle very well might increase your weight.

On the other hand, muscle consume more energy than fat. So you'll burn your fat even while resting if you build muscles. In the long run, you'll weight less because you build muscles (assuming a constant intake of calories).

Re:Others

[CrazyTalk]

Don't feel bad. I once attempted to microwave a cheese sandwhich without removing the individual slices from their plastic wrap. The result? I giant plastic-and-cheese membrane covering the plate.

Re:Others

[kraksmoka]

i'm allergic to nuts, that just makes me str8. go figure

Re:Others

[arth1]

My favourite is the one-ply blanket I have:
"Wash inside out with like colors".

Or the back massager that proclaims: "If any of the following symptoms occur, please discontinue use", and then lists a whole bunch of symptoms, including drowsiness, soreness, fatigue and DEATH.

And here I thought the whole purpose was to use it when stiff...

Regards,
--
*Art

Re:Others

[sketerpot]

For other things like this (which you are told to avoid), check out the classic Strunk and White. (Note: this link goes to the first edition, which was just "Strunk", but that's the best we can do with these ridiculous copyright terms....)

Re:Others

[motardo]

this is true

[img-the more you know]

Re:Others

[allism]

Nope, it's still there...on my infant son's liquid Benadryl.

Re:Others

[Anonymous Coward]

peanut: (noun) a low-branching widely cultivated leguminous annual herb (Arachis hypogaea) with showy yellow flowers having a peduncle which elongates and bends into the soil where the ovary ripens into a pod containing one to three oily edible seeds; also : its seed or seed-containing pod

moderator: (noun) a stupid cunt

Re:Others

[Anonymous Coward]

Okay, I give up. What is the correct punctuation?

Re:Others

[Feynman]

Wheat Chex - "Contains wheat."

Re:Others

[MikeCT]

If not amending after total, blank lines are shuffled up. After total, blanked lines are left blank (in table) to avoid shuffling.

The original was all in caps, without punctuation. The first sentence should be understood to mean "If amending before total,..."

Re:Others

[Anonymous Coward]

It sounds like you ripped this list off from somewhere. Anyway, if someone said "I found it in the last place that I looked" or "It's always in the last place you look" I always considered it a joke.

Re:Others

[soulsteal]

I like my coffee like i like my women. Dark, full bodied and slightly bitter.

I like my coffee like I like my women: tied up in a burlap bag and dragged through the Andes.

Re:Others

[QuackQuack]

The side effects disclaimer at the end of headache medication ad:

"Side effects were generally mild, and include headache...."

Re:Others

[Anonymous Coward]

He did. George Carlin has been using that schtick for years

Re:Others

[phong3d]

I like my coffee like I like my women: French, sugary and picked up at 7-11.

Re:Others

[Anonymous Coward]

There are lots of other foods where it isn't so obvious that they contain nuts. Something cooked in peanut oil, for instance. The FDA probably decided that it would be a good idea to label anything containing nuts with a warning. Obviously, the warning isn't needed all the time, because sometimes it is obvious. But it would be a huge waste of time and taxpayer dollars if the FDA had to evaluate, on a case-by-case basis, whether or not the warning was really necessary. It's much simpler just to say that everyone has to do it, period.

It does not mean that they think people are so stupid that they can't tell that a bag of nuts contains nuts.

Re:Others

[Anonymous Coward]

Just because it's "children's" medicine doesn't mean that adults will never use it. Think about it.

Re:Others

[Anonymous Coward]

Reminds me of a brainteaser:

John while Jane had had had had had had had had had had had a better effect on the teacher

Yes, this can be punctuated to make perfect grammatical sense.

Re:Others

[Anonymous Coward]

Hmm. Nut allergy doesn't mean one cannot eat peanuts. They're two different things.

Re:Others

[fshalor]

So THAT"s what happened to our oven racks, you lazy clod! :)

I should quote some radio manuals here:
Kenwood TM-261 A (2 meter, 50 mobile rig.)
"When operating mobile, do not attempt to configure your tranceiver while driveing because it is simply too dangerous."

It's just funny wording, but kind of stupid, as it defined operating mobile as being in a car, and thus tells you essentially not to use it. :)

Re:Others

[randyest]

You better have an answer for this and I want^H^H^H^Hneed to know NOW.

Re:Others

[shotfeel]

Just don't miss the one word sentence, "Drain." in the instructions for making a box of Mac and Cheese.

For those few who don't know, that comes after cooking the pasta in 2 or 3 quarts of water and before adding the powdered cheese-stuff.

Re:Others

[Daniel_Staal]

My parents had that problem and a few others recently. It took them about 5 tries to correctly cook a frozen pizza.

And I'm related to these people. *Shudder*

Re:Others

[Artichoke]

Google's your friend lazy one :)

Re:Others

[madcow_ucsb]

On a big bag of baby carrots:

Ingredients: Carrots

Re:Others

[Schnapple]

I think another COBOL manual from IBM stated something like:

Why #define PI 3.14159265358979? In case the value of PI ever changes.

I guess in case PI ever becomes 23 or something.

Re:Others

[hesiod]

> John while Jane had had had had had had had had had had had a better effect on the teacher

Simple:
John while Jane had had had had had had had had had had had a better effect on the teacher.

The person named "John while Jane had had had had had had had had Had" had had a better effect on the teacher, duh!

Re:Others

[hesiod]

> I like my coffee like I like my women: French, sugary and picked up at 7-11.

7-11? You like dirty women? Of course, that was obvious as soon as you said French.

Re:Others

[Anonymous Coward]

This book is a little outdated. Here's an interesting quote I found:

"Write to-day, to-night, to-morrow (but not together) with hyphen. Write any one, every one, some one, some time (except the sense of formerly) as two words."

Re:Others

[schmink182]

Microwave popcorn instructions
"Step 1: Remove plastic wrapper"

There is NO WAY to read this without taking off the plastic wrapper

Re:Others

[I(rispee_I(reme]

I like my coffee like I like my sabbath: Black.

Re:Others

[JanneM]

Another classical warning I've seen was on my previous motorcycle.

There was a prominent sticker telling me not to lock the steering head lock while driving. It felt a little unnseccesary, considering you had to turn off the engine (to get the key out) and be able to reach forward to the side of the steering head with a small, fiddly key, all while keeping the steering fully turned to one side, as that's the only position where that lock will actually engage.

If you are able to actually do this, you don't need a warning sticker - you need a television contract.

Re:Others

[Anonymous Coward]

What's the reason for this anyway? I've seen this a few times. Are there people violently allergic to wheat out there? Of course, if you look at the ingredients one of the first ones down there is wheat... Some day I suppose we'll see the entire ingredients list mirrored with May Contain. ("May contain Pottassium Benzoate, May contain high fructose corn syrup. May contain natural flavors."

Re:Others

[jonathan_ingram]

Sommat like:

John, while Jane had had 'had', had had 'had had'. 'Had had' had had a better effect on the teacher.

You might be able to squeeze another had or two in there somewhere. There's a similar sentence involving 'and':

Level 1: This and that.

Level 2: The spaces between this and and and and and that are too small.

Level 3: The spaces between and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and are too small.

Level 4: ...

Re:Others

[Xuli]

Man, that's a classic one, but I'll take mine politically and environmentally correct and fully capable of attaining the Big O. Just like my, errr, satisfied women...

Re:Others

[DoctorFrog]

My favorite warning label : "Remove infant before folding and stowing stroller." I kid you not...

Re:Others

[harrkev]

this is true

What he said.

Re:Others

[Anonymous Coward]

Obviously that warning is for friends and relatives of the deceased.

Re:Others

[jd]

Actually, they're lying. Those are really tonsils extracted from vampires. Those bags usually contain water, too, and that's not listed at all.

Re:Others

[mattsucks]

> And here I thought the whole purpose was to use it when stiff...

Must ... fight ... must ... avoid ... penis ... jokes ....

Re:Others

[aardvarkjoe]

It could be useful, in case you ever have to use your program while in Alabama.

(Legend here).)

Re:Others

[dwillden]

My favorite was the warning on children's cough syrup to "not operate heavy equipment or drive". They may have removed the warning by now; my youngest child is 22 now.

Hmm You may have just hit on the reason for the warning.

Just a recomendation, but you might consider switching to non-children's medicines next time your youngest gets sick.

Re:Others

[JonnyElvis42]

And what about my stick deoderant: "Not for use in the eyes."

Now what the heck am I supposed to do when I've got a bad case of stinky-eye?

Re:Others

[Anonymous Coward]

I think home made Red Meat is appropriate here ;)

Re:Others

[WTFmonkey]

What he said.

Confirmed.

Re:Others

[Anonymous Coward]

Nothing wrong with French women... well, I guess they tend to be too skinny.

Re:Others

[Nf1nk]

I like my coffee like i like my women. Dark, full bodied and slightly bitter.

I like my coffee like I like my women: tied up in a burlap bag and dragged through the Andes.

and I like my tea lik my ex. Ice cold and bitter

Re:Others

[cnoocy]

Actually, gluten allergies are fairly common.

Re:Others

[Anonymous Coward]

lol me to!!!!!!!111

Re:Others

[usotsuki]

"Niwa ni wa, ni-wa niwatori ga imasu"

In (ni wa) the yard (niwa) there are two (ni-wa) chickens (niwatori) :D

-uso.

Re:Others

[Anonymous Coward]

I concur.

Re:Others

[atomicdragon]

I think this warning is because there is a reasonably large group of adults who take children's medicine due to being too sensitive to take the stronger adult versions.

Re:Others

[Tony.Tang]

It takes quite a bit of work to get rid of melted, burnt, pizza-flavoured plastic from an oven.

I guess you were really hungry, huh? :)

Re:Others

[UserGoogol]

And I've always considered it a phoentic mutation of the phrase: "It's always it the last place you'd look." Which is much less stupid.

Re:Others

[Anonymous Coward]

There is of course only one moderatly funny punchline to this joke.

In a PLASTIC CUP

Extra points if you're actually Eddie Izzard when delivering the line.

Re:Others

[Biffer4810]

Naw, the "may contain peanuts" is just a generic CYA. Being one of the Half Percent of the population with this life-threatening allergy, I know that even a dust sized particle could be fatal.

This warning "may contain peanuts" etc is placed on many products that are simply near, or which may have come into contact with, peanuts at the time of manufacture (i.e. Milky Way bars run on the same conveyor belt as Snickers, etc).

So corporations have [thankfully] started to add this warning to products so that customers will know whether there is a decent chance that the food has contacted peanuts at any time (and of course to cover their own asses from the lawsuits that would follow).

This allergy is becoming more and more common. Learning some of these basic facts could save a life or avoid a new case in a child you know.

-.-- -.-- --..

Re:Others

[dekashizl]

I soak my eyes in Effer-Dent over night. (They are both glass).

Re:Others

[Anonymous Coward]

"In case the value of PI ever changes."

This doesn't refer to the actual value of PI (though it does read that way), but rather to the definition of PI as used in COBOL and many other languages.

Me - I had pi defined as 3.14159 in mIRC script up to ~a year ago. Some people asked me why I would do that, as I could just stick the number into any odd place that needed it.

The reasoning was simple...
1. It's less to type $pi rather than 3.14159
and
2. If I ever needed a more accurate version of PI, I could look it up, and change the definition.

And voila, math.mrc now reads ..

alias pi { return 3.14159265358979323846 }

.. instead.

*that* is the intention of defining pi, not because some day pi may be 23 (obviously)

Re:Others

[Anonymous Coward]

Wow, I'm impressed - must be a pain reading a 600+ comment slashdot thread with a screen reader...

Re:Others

[MrCreosote]

From instructions for a pager (paraphased)

"Do not swallow batteries. In case of battery ingestion, call the National Battery Ingestion Hotline on 1-800-xxxxxxx"

Not only are people stupid enough to swallow batteries, there are enough occurences to warrant a permanent hotline.

Re:Others

[Glonoinha]

That shit isn't funny, and I can pretty much guarantee you weren't there when it happened.

Ok, here's the story. The handlebars can lock using the little lock that is built into the lower triple-clamp, you need to crank the bars over to the left and with the key reach down into the cowling and lock it.

Now just pretending that I had such a motorcycle in college (a 1986 Suzuki GSXR-750) and pretending that I had parked it next to the Sears at the mall, up on the sidewalk fairly close to the brick wall, and pretending that I needed to turn left to drive away from the wall to get back onto the driveway anyways ... it is entirely possible (hypothetically speaking) that since the bars were pointing that way anyways a person could put the key in the ignition, start the bike, lean to the left and start to drive away and not remember that the bars were locked and have that futhermocker flip over onto its side in about one second flat, scratching the lower cowl and bruising his ego.

You know, in theory.
Pretty damn funny now that I look back at it.

Re:Others

[lahi]

Being one of the Half Percent of the population with this life-threatening allergy, I know that even a dust sized particle could be fatal

So if I grind a few bags of peanuts into powder, and sprinkle it over a sufficiently large crowd, I could manage to kill 5 out of a thousand?
Wow! What a brilliant terrorist weapon! When will peanuts be outlawed in the US?

-Lasse

Re:Others

[jfern]

If even a dust sized peanut particle can be fatal, then how did you find out you were allergic to peanuts?

Re:Others

[Anonymous Coward]

best. reply. ever.

made me smile.

Re:Others

[bigman8]

Yeah, or if it ever becomes 42.

Re:Others

[Anonymous Coward]

lol balls

Re:Others

[Anonymous Coward]

I'm covered in BEES!

Re:Others

[babbage]

It's in our writing every day though:

- if it's new? how can you improve it?

Man. question marks may lousy commas.

I mean? this is? like? third grade grammar? ya know?

:-)

Uhhh they are not that weird...

[GMOL]

They just seem like normal 'ol technical illustrations...

Oh Well.

[Anonymous Coward]

I was oh so hoping there'd be something amusing waiting for me when I clicked through to this guys site. This guys sense of humor includes laughing at perfectly normal operation instructions because they contain "lots of arrows"? ...yawn... Did anyone really read this site before posting this lame-ass story?

Re:Oh Well.

[bgp4]

Odd sense of humor? He must be a tech writer... oh wait...

Re:Oh Well.

[|<amikaze]

I chuckled.

Re:Oh Well.

[Vollernurd]

No way man! The Dragonball Toy Thing was fantastic. I quote:

"WARNING: Thread of length need half as many again as tad."

Sure, funny in a lame all-your-base-are-way, but still made me chuckle. But I agree that the normal arrow diagram was pretty lame.

Re:Oh Well.

[hesiod]

> The Dragonball Toy Thing was fantastic

Think that's good? Pick up some Japanese Gundam Models. If there's any english at all, it sure as hell ain't the same english I speak. I can usually figure out bad translations, but these don't have a single sensible sentence in them at all. Why is it that the people assigned to translate toy instructions have less knowledge of English than the japanese children buying the toys?

Re:Oh Well.

[Abcd1234]

Someone should check out Engrish.com. Be careful, though... your co-workers may start to wonder why you're laughing so much. :)

THE ARTICLE FAILS IT!

[wheany]

Might contain traces of funny.

Re:THE ARTICLE FAILS IT!

[marcop]

Since this article lacks any humor, maybe we should start posting some funny signs/symbols of our own. Here is a link to some funny swat team hand jestures:

http://forums.xbox-scene.com/index.php?act=ST&f= 19 &t=92950&s=56a40001faa4bd14000861cbfa22fc0 2

I ran across a site containing funny interpretations of airplane safety literature but I couldn't find it at the moment.

Re:THE ARTICLE FAILS IT!

[Heywood Yabuzof]

Here you go.

Re:THE ARTICLE FAILS IT!

[Anonymous Coward]

toon #15 is relevant on so many levels.

Re:THE ARTICLE FAILS IT!

[cerah]

I ran across a site containing funny interpretations of airplane safety literature but I couldn't find it at the moment.

I believe you're referring to AirToons .

Re:THE ARTICLE FAILS IT!

[Anonymous Coward]

www.airtoons.com

i know

[mothrathegreat]

since noone seems to find it funny I guess we ought to slashdot it

Re:i know

[Anonymous Coward]

Done.

Only about 15 ?!

[itsme1234]

There are 12 exhibits, they're even numbered if you can't count to 12 ...

---
"There's only about 15 at the moment, but he's collecting further examples."
---

Re:Only about 15 ?!

[Anonymous Coward]

That's an example of funny technical documentation. I'd laugh if my new Dell came with:

"About one optical drive"

"About 518MB RAM"

"About a 17" monitor"

"About one keyboard"

Re:Only about 15 ?!

[Gleng]

12 is *about* 15, give or take 3.

Re:Only about 15 ?!

[mgessner]

Well, it actually **IS** "about" a 17" monitor. :)

Re:Only about 15 ?!

[Anonymous Coward]

You went after the monitor? I would have gone after the "516MB" of RAM. It is definitely "About 516" if you consider it is actually more like 512MB (and even that is rounded).

Re:Only about 15 ?!

[Anonymous Coward]

True, and the headline also claimed that it was humorous.

REFUND!

[Anonymous Coward]

This article sucks

Comment removed

[account_deleted]

Comment removed based on user account deletion

Full force and effect

[EmagGeek]

Holy Slashdot, Batman! There's smoke coming out of our webserver!

Re:Full force and effect

[IIRCAFAIKIANAL]

Is there a picture of that in the Apache documentation?

(Figure 7a: Server on fire due to Slashdot effect)

There should be!

Not too weird...

[jdreed1024]

Some of these are simply translated as "The person who wrote this doesn't understand this device".

For example, in number "11", it's pretty clear it's not a fridge, but an A/V rack. (that being why it's included with a DVD player). And it's saying "Don't wheel the A/V rack towards you over uneven surfaces, or you'll end up underneath it writhing in pain".

Exhibit 9 is not that stupid - it's pretty clear it's not a cartoon speaking bubble, but rather intimating that somewhere on your computer is a USB port.

Exihibit 5: "I like it because it says 'insert trousers'" Huh? It's weird because it's correct English? Or it's weird because it's telling you what to do? Or it's weird because this guy doesn't know what "trousers" means? It's a pants press - how is it weird for it to tell you to insert your pants into the rack?

Move along folks, nothing to see here.

Re:Not too weird...

[marcop]

For example, in number "11", it's pretty clear it's not a fridge, but an A/V rack

Correct. Also, that particular symbol is rather standard. a UL engineer gave me the same symbol to use in my User's manual for a large LCD display.

Re:Not too weird...

[TwistedGreen]

I agree, there are far better examples of absurd technical illustration. Most of these are just... not funny at all.

[Stops himself from commenting on Slashdot's quality lately...]

Re:Not too weird...

[Anonymous Coward]

FLAMEBAIT! TROLL! This is nothing more than Slashdot flamebait! And a BAD troll at that! Can't you people see that this guy's post is redundent FLAMEBAIT??? Good God! It's a fucking troll, batman! Jesus, this is nothing more than offensive FLAMEBAIT! How-fucking-dare you suggest that the Slash Mods are ANYTHING but FUCKING GODS!

Re:Not too weird...

[Anonymous Coward]

Nah! The submitter wanted to slashdot someone who they have a grudge against into submission.
Did I see a link to slashdotting-as-revenge on revenge.com ?

Re:Not too weird...

[Lost Race]

Unfortunately he's not being funny either.

Oh where can I find....

[ThosLives]

A picture of my favorite:

On a Caterpillar trench digger, there was this funny picture of a NO sign around a chainsaw looking thing and a caption that said, "Engage crowd control before operating".

because-trench-diggers-control-crowds

Re:Oh where can I find....

[Jucius Maximus]

On a chainsaw instruction sheet that was poorly translated from swedish:

Do not stop the chain using your hands or gentials.

Re:Oh where can I find....

[vudujava]

Must be one of those Israeli models...

Re:Oh where can I find....

[CaptMonkeyDLuffy]

Hmm... I recall seeing something along those lines, involving trench diggers and crowd control. I thought it went something along the lines of 'Engage emergency break before performing crowd control.' Something that implied the ditch witch should be used for crowd control... But my memory may be fuzzy.

Re:Oh where can I find....

[brakk]

There is a sign in the women's bathroom (I'm told) in the bar I go to that says "Employees must wash genitalia."

Re:Oh where can I find....

[ThosLives]

Yes, yes! That was it! It was on a ditch witch! And there was the part about the parking break, too! Thanks for the information and the reminder!

Re:Oh where can I find....

[Coplan]

On a similar note, there is a warning sticker on older Bobcats (Skid Steer or Loaders) that has a picture of a guy under a falling Bobcat. The caption is simply "Avoid Death!" Nothing else.

Since then, I have always kept that in mind.

Re:Oh where can I find....

[boneshintai]

Someone on e2 did a very good job writing short fiction (I hope, anyways) based on that label.

Re:Oh where can I find....

[hesiod]

> "Avoid Death!"

Ah yes, sage advice usually comes from companies that make heavy machinery.

Re:Oh where can I find....

[bobdole369]

I had that sticker. I put it in the bathroom in my house. That same bathroom had a generic restaurant style unisex bathroom sign on the outside. And I had an "employees only" sign on my bedroom door. We also had the big yellow janitor style mop bucket with the wet floor sign.

Re:Oh where can I find....

[Schnapple]

Do not stop the chain using your hands or gentials.

I took a course in college outlining liability laws and the like. I don't recall why.

Let's say you make a lawnmower and you include warnings on it like "don't cut off your toes" and such. But then someone gets the bright idea to pick it up with their hands while it's on and trim their hedges with it, and winds up severing their fingers. Are you liable? Well, if no one's ever done it before then no, since it was unforseeable that someone out there would do that.

What happens when the next person severs their fingers. Are you liable? Yes, since it's not unforseeable anymore. Now you're liable unless you put a sticker or somesuch telling people not to do that.

So who was it, I wonder, who tried to stop a chainsaw with their dick and sued?

Re:Oh where can I find....

[hardcnxn]

Ditch Witches. Very useful. But for crowd control, I always preferred the larger units I (and many others, no doubt) affectionately dubbed Ditch Bitches.

japanese toilets

[bobba22]

I don't know how many other people out there have experienced Japanese toilets, but let me tell you, you don't need an instruction manual, you need someone to come and show you how to use those things. You don't wanna be pressing the wrong button at the wrong time, I can assure you from personal experience, makes my eyes water just thinking about it.

Re:japanese toilets

[DrSkwid]

If it made your eyes water you *were* doing somthing wrong.

I prefered it when it watered other parts of my anatomy.

And the Japanese are totally on the ball with this one, having warm water sprayed on my ass was the highlight of my overnight stay.

Re:japanese toilets

[Bios_Hakr]

What's so complicated about a 18" trench with a hole at one end and a half-bowl at the other?

Oh, you meant the other Japanese toilets. The ones in a bathroom so small that you can't figure out how to close the door while you are inside the bathroom.

I love Tokyo so much. Truck-stop ramen p0wn3z. Truck-stop bathrooms 5ux0r5.

Re:japanese toilets

[Neva]

Just in case you want to be prepared:
The instruction manual to japanese toilets

Re:japanese toilets

[Anonymous Coward]

I heard there was something called a "Japanese Piddling Stick" that is basically an artificial todger, the purpose of which is for girls to pee standing up ..... it sounds almost believable, except for one thing: Who would want to put one of these things back in her handbag after using it? Unless the things are disposable, but that would just be plain stupid; as well as puddles of piddle, you would get stacks of sticks discarded in the streets. I also heard that the instructions for using the J.P.S., owing to the pictures necessarily shown therein, are printed on a special kind of paper which will fade shortly after unwrapping, to prevent anyone using a discarded instruction leaflet as pr0n! Again, it sounds almost believable, but then again nothing the Japanese could come up with would surprise me {think of the Fosters advert}. But it could have been someone yanking my chain {toilet reference again, wey hey!} and preying on my ignorance of oriental customs.

Re:japanese toilets

[Jucius Maximus]

Some more 'engrish' madness from a translated motherboard manual:

"Use the BIOS reset jumper JP12 to restore original manufacturer setting in BIOS. This jumper can save your life!"

Re:japanese toilets

[takev]

Actually I've seen these things in europe too, there are very handy at these rock festivals.

But with little practice and shaping, girls can pee standing up, without these extra tools. I've seen this shown on tv.

But then again, I'm not a girl, so what do I know.

Re:japanese toilets

[glenstar]

I remember a few years back when one of my favorite bars in Tokyo (yeah, it's in Roppongi but not a shot bar and it's hidden away) got a new toilet. I was there to meet a client and things were going very well until I needed to piss. So, I go into the bathroom, take my leak and go to flush. No flusher. While I had used the Captain-Kirk-chair-like-toilets before, this one was different... must be a new model, I thought. So, I began to push buttons, waiting for a flushing sound. Nothing. Curious. I lifted the toilet lid and KABAAAM! Water shoots out all over the place, absolutely drenching me from the knees down. So I am standing there, not knowing how to react or what to do. I am soaking wet and smell faintly of urine. So I crack the bathroom door hoping to see a staff member I knew to see what they thought of the problem. Luckily for me, Miki comes by, sees me peeking out of the bathroom door, sees my wet state and begins to giggle uncontrollably. Those who have spent time in Japan know the giggle I am talking about... the high-pitched, semi-constrained giggle that is accompanied by attempt to stifle it with a hand to the mouth and only possible from Japanese females.

Anyway, when she is done giggling I explain my predicament. Her eyes get wide. "Guren-san, " she asks, " but why were you using the bidet?". I refused to answer, mostly because I had no answer, and sloshed over to the table where my client was waiting. Laughing. Hysterically. Also being a gaijin he had experienced something similar. All's well that ends well, I guess: We ended up working together and I never pressed that damn button again.

Re:japanese toilets

[Anonymous Coward]

From my geforce3 video card book. (MSI?)

Blink eyes periodically as to refresh them while playing.

Actually it was worse then that but I don't remember quite well.

Re:japanese toilets

[xerx]

The device is called a Lady J, first invented for women private pilots. Nothing worse that having to pee in a private plane. Can't just pull over and find a nice bush.

Re:japanese toilets

[sehryan]

Jap toilets may be difficult, but they are a hell of a lot easier then figuring out how to use the three sea shells!

Re:japanese toilets

[Anonymous Coward]

On time there was this guy who was on a Japanese airline. Around 30 minutes before the plane was due to land, he found himself desperate to relieve himself. Unfortunately, there was a large queue in front of the economy class washrooms, and by the time he was the next to use the washroom, the "fasten seatbelts" light came on. Seeing his desperation, one of the stewardesses told him that he could use the first class washroom reserved for women, but on condition he did not press any buttons. He entered the washroom, and sat down. Everything was luxurious with soft padded walls, gold taps and automatic sensors. Just as he was about to get up, he noticed a row of buttons along the side of the wall. Forgetting what the stewardness had said, his curiosity got the better of him and he pressed the first button. A warm spray gently rinsed his rear end. He pressed the white button and a gust of warm air dried him off. He pressed the third button and a soft pad applied talcum powder. He was extremely impressed by this technology and could not hesitate to press the fourth button.

The next thing he knew, was that he was resting in a hospital bed. As he came around, one of nurses spoke to him "You pressed the buttons didn't you?". He vaguely remembered the previous events and nodded. The nurse spoke again "Never mind, your clothes are on the chair and your genitals are under your pillow"

Re:japanese toilets

[Yaroslavna]

That's because we already have a nice bush. :-D

Yes, RTLMS (Read the linux manauls)

[Anonymous Coward]

You will laugh at the engrish (or frenglish if youre using MANdrake). and half written manuals with missing sections.

Can you figure out what this means without reading the manual?

ln -s "-1, flamebait" "5, informative".

Re:Yes, RTLMS (Read the linux manauls)

[Jeremy Erwin]

I believe the commonly accepted term is not "frenglish" but " le Franglais"

Re:Yes, RTLMS (Read the linux manauls)

[CatPieMan]

I've also heard (and probably used) Francais (pronounced "Frank case") and Froglish (being a reference to the French being called Frogs by the British back in the day).

-CPM

I used to like the japanese...

[BadSeqtor]

...but now I'm not that sure any more...

Re:I used to like the japanese...

[Anonymous Coward]

Ahh, so THAT'S how you use that one!! Oops, I feel sorry for the attendant that day.

Rotten examples

[Anonymous Coward]

A cute idea but he chose really boring, prosaic examples. In fact, in a fit of glorious self-reference, I think he should refer to his own page as an example of a poorly conceived, somewhat bizarre product of a technical writer...

This guy's collection will grow large

[Rosco P. Coltrane]

... because the pieces he exhibits aren't funny or weird, they are just pathetic examples of badly written documentation, and those have existed since electronic devices have grown more complex than kitchen appliances, and their docs started to be written in japanglish.

And quite frankly, the "kind of dirty" ones wouldn't even be half-dirty for women in a covent.

The only interest of those technical docs is (1) to learn how to not write them like that, and (2) to witness the birth of early mangas.

Re:This guy's collection will grow large

[krammit]

You want poorly translated fun, check out engrish.com
Never gets old...

if you enjoy this kind of humor...

[evildan21]

might i suggest a book of jay leno headlines? my gf got me an old book full of them...ive been laughing at them for the past few days. sometimes its a toss up between his comments or the actual story being the funniest.

personal fav:
the back-to-school ad featuring the 1-liter bottle of vodka. now that's what i call a store!

Re:if you enjoy this kind of humor...

[Troed]

Oh come on .. this is the web .. make a little link for us to one-click-buy with ..

(I'm actually serious)

Re:if you enjoy this kind of humor...

[Call Me Black Cloud]

Here's the archive

Heh...the first one should read:

[A_Non_Moose]

PH33R T3H BOX-S/\/4|<3

(fear the box-snake for leet speak impaired)

Instead of 'If you drop this box on a dog, don't trip over its tail'.

Quote:
Exhibit 10 - From instructions for swapping out the hard drive on an Apple
G4 Powerbook. I just included it because I thought it was kind of dirty.
Isn't having the top of display in your lap illegal in 48 states and 6 provinces?

I always thought it was "Illegal in 45, practiced in 3, and not understood in 2"...

heh.

Re:Heh...the first one should read:

[Jellybob]

Isn't having the top of display in your lap illegal in 48 states and 6 provinces?

This guy is complaining about badly written instructions?

WTF does that phrase mean then? Top of display in your lap?

How would I even go about doing that, never mind finding a state where it's illegal.

More like this..

[edwilli]

I guess I expected something more like.

this

And

this

Re:More like this..

[edwilli]

oops

What is wrong with the Slashdot team?

[Anonymous Coward]

This absolute-waste-of-time webpage gets slashdotted and my hundred of gems never saw the light of day?? waaaaah!

It was getting slow.. I have Mirrored it.

[Organized Konfusion]

Mirror be gentle to my host plz ;-)

Re:It was getting slow.. I have Mirrored it.

[rkz]

the page is now officially slashdotted. ATTN: moderators the parent contains a mirror, just informing because it may be below your threshold.

Re:It was getting slow.. I have Mirrored it.

[Anonymous Coward]

Oh no ... the unfunny stuff is replicating!!!

I for one, welcome our unfunny duplicating overlords!!

Eh

[Anonymous Coward]

I should put this on my "Hall of Websites That Try To Be Funny, But Aren't"

Example from the food industry

[kevinbarsby]

Seen on a packet of "Salted Peanuts" in a pub in the UK "May contain traces of nuts" You'd kinda hope so wouldn't you

Re:Example from the food industry

[mirko]

This is not funny :

• there are some people who are allergic to "generic" nuts (walnuts ?)
  
• their organisms however support peanuts
  
• the factory that bag these may also use the same production chain to bag walnuts, hence the warning
  

Re:Example from the food industry

[Jeremy Erwin]

The peanut is a bean, not a nut.

Re:Example from the food industry

[TwistedGreen]

Not really. A peanut is not actually a nut, but a seed.

Re:Example from the food industry

[TwistedGreen]

Well, actually, according to this article, "a nut is a seed, but a seed is not necessarily a nut." Though the distinction, I expect, is really only significant to biologists, and maybe even only taxonomists.

Re:Example from the food industry

[Anonymous Coward]

Technically peanuts are not nuts, they are mutant beans. Their closest relatives are pulses ..... beans, lentils ..... they do, however, contain the same poisonous stuff that is found in hazelnuts.

If you enjoy bad translations into English...

[JaredOfEuropa]

Visit engrish.com! Hours of fun...

Re:If you enjoy bad translations into English...

[Zonekeeper]

Well, its apparently in smoking ruins now too.

Re:If you enjoy bad translations into English...

[bahamat]

Great, you've not only /.ed this poor saps website but now engrish.com too. Now you force us to sit there and incessantly hit reload until the pictures load.

We're in general agreement then...

[192939495969798999]

For maximum humor, The list should contain non-technical products like coffee and shampoo (lather THEN rinse? no wonder!)

Re:We're in general agreement then...

[Anonymous Coward]

My personal favorite from shampoo, that I guess you have to be a geek to appreciate is:

Lather shampoo thoroughly into hair, rinse, repeat.

Re:We're in general agreement then...

[Binestar]

(lather THEN rinse? no wonder!)

At least yours doesn't say to repeat. I have to CTRL-C my shower every morning.

Not only is it not funny...

[Bohnanza]

...but I'm pretty sure this one is a fake. The phrase "till the cowcomes home" is kind of a giveaway. And I was hoping to be able to send a funny link to some tech writer friends.

the manual for

[linuxislandsucks]

the manual for MS Xenix OS was funnier :)

There ya go

[Moth7]

Why Maddox is better than your kids

the ibm/pc looking like the macintosh model...

[Galaxie]

looks like an 8500 powermac to me, never really realized, when illustrated that way how similar they looked to a standard beige pc though.

well.. that was useless now wasn't it?

Re:the ibm/pc looking like the macintosh model...

[Anonymous Coward]

Or a 8100, or a quadra 840 or 800.
USeless?
Theres useless, a life POV perspective chaging useless fact: this thing was designed by lunar design, they also designed the SGI indigo thing!!
http://id.sjsu.edu/products/92qua.htm

Re:the ibm/pc looking like the macintosh model...

[Anonymous Coward]

The Quadra 800 case (also as you say used in the early 8x00 series and made longer in the 9500) began life as one of the first PC AT towers made by Acer.

I have an Acer S2 from 1989 and a Powermac 8500 from 1996, and the cases are identical. Even the floppy drive bezels are swappable.

The power button on the Acer is in the middle of the case where the 8500 has its Apple logo however.

Re:the ibm/pc looking like the macintosh model...

[rebeka thomas]

I was a heavy Mac's and PC's user in 1992 and my father had a brand new Acer 486 that was in the same case which was the Quadra800 case. We had both machines on either side of our desk and they looked symmetrical. The Acer only had 2 Bays to the Quadra800's 3 bays which was for a floppy and a CDROM, but they were nearly the same height

Re:the ibm/pc looking like the macintosh model...

[Anonymous Coward]

Pictures? I want to see this.

Best Quote hidden

[the_pooh_experience]

So Most /. won't get this because it requires loading a highrez image, but on the Dragonball Z toy that hangs from the ceiling and 'flys' in circles on a string, it is poorly translated from presumably fomr east-asian country... The warnings read:

1. With appertain rotor of screw setting pre ceiling on the under standing that screw no wield. May wield two-faced, pressboard securing, wield pre to begin with wiping ceiling of bilge dasto.
2. Thread of length need half as many again as tad.
3. Open toy of batteries shuck. Verification batteries.+,- whereafter stow down,to a certainty need locknat lest take place accident.
4. Hook through toys apside of hole.
5. Needs switches shoving NO,for pre arrows specifing of orention shiving.Packing it up time,withbold toy pate need switches shoving OFF.

• Prythee no sport with stingy of play asperity game. Winding finger have got bloodstream not wallk. Throagh of peril. (bold my addition)
• Tad disport of time grown man tatelage.
• Till thge cowcomes home. Wield toys damage, burn-in prytheee wind to a close wield.
• Give attention to open/close toys, therefore take place peril.for instance slipup batteries wield result in the emission of heat rupture liquid.vent itself prythee pay attention.
• Play at sith to a certainty bolt up power supply fetch out batteries.
• Batteries no electification dissolution,plunge ioto aquaor fire.
• Not trust for tad batteries lest in advertent eat off. In the event of accident without loss of time plythee pillroller tuke order with.

I am not the best typist, but most of the weird spellings above are in the actual warnings. The original may be found here. I wonder if they will ever take the word "prythee" out of their translation dictionary.

Re:Best Quote hidden

[Anonymous Coward]

for instance slipup batteries wield result in the emission of heat rupture liquid.

I saw the same line in the manual for a Japanese vibrator. Wierd.

Re:Best Quote hidden

[NoData]

Prythee no sport with stingy of play asperity game. Winding finger have got bloodstream not wallk. Throagh of peril.

Dude, that's not Engrish...That's Chaucer.

Re:Best Quote hidden

[NoData]

>> for instance slipup batteries wield result in the emission of heat rupture liquid.

> I saw the same line in the manual for a Japanese vibrator. Wierd.

That is weird...cuz I actually experienced the emission of heat rupture liquid while using a Japanese vibrator manually. Small world!

Re:Best Quote hidden

[Anonymous Coward]

You missed the best part: "MAY PRE HOUSE THE SEAMY SIDE VOLITATION!!" (the lameness filter can be annoying at times, don't you think?)

Re:Best Quote hidden

[Get Behind the Mule]

Ugh, that reminds me. Some 15 years ago I was a poor American student living in Germany, doing odd free-lance technical translation jobs. Bad enough that I didn't understand most of the stuff I was translating anyway. But one time, I got instructions in English for some kind of chemical laboratory equipment, which had apparently been translated from Japanese already, and it read just like this, I kid you not. It could have passed as haiku. Now they wanted me to translate it into German (the opposite of what you usually do, since you usually translate into your own native language).

I pointed out that this was crazy, that I couldn't make heads or tails of it and couldn't possibly translate it into something sane. But they needed the job done and didn't care and I needed the money, so I did the best I could. As near as I can tell, it involved heating up some kind of liquid I had never heard of, and you better be sure to adjust this widget and calibrate that thingamabob correctly, or else, well, some bad thing would happen. I cringe at the thought that some German lab grunt might have actually tried to follow the instructions I wrote.

Re:Best Quote hidden

[Repugnant_Shit]

This has been on rinkworks for years. Check out the site for more funny stuff.

Re:Best Quote hidden

[not-my-real-name]

Personally, I'm worried about this one:

"Play at sith"

Re:Best Quote hidden

[David Chappell]

It is like Chaucer, but Chaucer is easier to understand. :-)

The best I can make out of it is this:

Pray thee, do not sport with the string or play with asperity. Winding the finger causes blood not to flow. Peril throughout.

In other words:

Don't play with the string or play roughly. Winding the string around one's finger cuts off circulation. It is quite dangerous.

Re:Best Quote hidden

[Anonymous Coward]

translation

here

Re:Best Quote hidden

[Trevin]

I wonder if they will ever take the word "prythee" out of their translation dictionary.

Not only that, I wonder how "Till the cow comes home" ever got in their translation dictionary to begin with! Any guesses on what they meant by it? Anyone?

Re: Best Quote hidden

[Anonymous Coward]

Umm...

This DragonBall Z toy is an obvious hoax. You only have to look at some of the things in the list. No translation is THIS bad, and no one would put some of the things on this list in their documentation. It's clearly a hoax that someone created.

Huh

[sg3000]

I know that this page should have been funny, but for some reason, I'm not laughing. And I'm even familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

I kind of expected something like "Engrish" or the often funny Airtoons (but it's probably only funny for those of us that fly a lot). Or even, the hasn't-been-updated-since-the-millennium Kibo and his amusing criticisms of font use or Gerald Holmes, which has outlived the silly .com web awards that are featured on his site. Hooray for Gerald!

Re:Huh

[Anonymous Coward]

I don't understand the Pablo Neruda connection? (but then I only have one of his books)

Re:Huh

[Anonymous Coward]

In English or Spanish?

Re:Huh

[Huge Pi Removal]

Or there's always the good old Fire thread.

Happy afternoon-wasting...

Re:Huh

[Hatta]

Bart sells his soul to Milhouse for $5. Afterwards he finds he is unable to laugh. Lisa reminds Bart that Pablo Neruda said, "Laughter is the language of the soul." Bart responds, "I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda."

the Mac and PC

[Anonymous Coward]

In the last exhibit, where he's saying the Mac and the PC look very similar (can't quote it right now.. slashdot effect!), I'd say the Mac looks a lot like an actual Mac circa 1994, and there's nothing weird or funny about it..

Re:DONE

[mnmonte]

How can you send someone to that site. I've been tricked into going there by friends a long time ago and that site is just out right wrong.

The Law.

[villain170]

These ridiculous examples of documentation are due to the fact that people love to sue. I remember two examples of people and McDonald's: (1) Someone sued for spilling the hot coffee on themselves, (2) there was a group trying to sue that their food made them fat. Pretty soon, we will see a warning on their food saying "May cause weight gain." It's a sad commentary on society these days.

Re:The Law.

[zdislaw]

Agreed. But McDonalds is also a sad commentary on society.

Re:The Law.

[Acidic_Diarrhea]

While it is easy to cite a lawsuit in one sentence and make it sound like it was all without merit, you should do a little fact checking. The situation involved much more negligence on the part of the local McDonalds than most people realize. See this site to get started.

The group of fat people was thrown out of court because it lacked merit.

Re:The Law.

[Chelloveck]

"Way hotter than normal coffee". What, McDonald's somehow superheated it to above 100 degrees C?

Unless the coffee was somehow hotter than the boiling point of water (boiling water is, you may remember, one of the key ingredients in coffee), the case had no merit. IMHO, IANAL, YMMV, FOAD.

Re:The Law.

[funwithBSD]

WARNING!: Do not attempt to eat a Happy Meal larger than your head.

How to use a Japanese Toilet

[Anonymous Coward]

Hold it all day and wait 'til you get back to the hotel.

This is why they've been in a ten year depression.

It's not when they dump their bad loans, it's when they dump their bad dumpers is when they're going to recover.

It's weird!

[zonix]

And it's saying "Don't wheel the A/V rack towards you over uneven surfaces, or you'll end up underneath it writhing in pain".

Which is still useless information when there are lots of ways to break your skull, anyway. I feel many of these warning sign etc. are just disclaimers put in place so you don't sue the manufacturers for being stupid. Somewhat ridiculous, but good for a laugh sometimes.

They should just stick to showing how you don't break the device you have just bought. Granted, advice on not trying to fix your tv is in order - high voltage warnings, and such.

z

The site's slashdotted, so here's my favourite

[Zog The Undeniable]

When the zippotricks website was taken off the Net this week, they posted the amusing disclaimer, "A lighted lighter is hot and can start a fire or burn people."

Microfortnights

[Christian Engstrom]

The documentation for the VAX/VMS operating system (this was in the eighties, before they started renaiming it every other year) claimed that one of the system parameters in SYSGEN should be specified in "microfortnights", but then proceeded to say that for added convenience, microfortnights were approximated by "seconds". (If you can't be bothered to bring out your calculator, a proper microfortnight would be 1.2096 seconds.)

At least I thought this was rather funny, but perhaps I am just very childish.

Re:Microfortnights

[stevel]

The creator of that little gem was Dick Hustvedt, a brilliant engineer with a wicked sense of humor. He was one of the inventors of VAXclusters, as well as of the SD730 Solar Horologue Option - see end of this post.

When in the VMS SYSGEN utility, and you asked for a list of the parameters, the list included the units. The TIMEPROMPTWAIT parameter was unusual in that values in one range did one thing, while values in another range did something else. Dick wanted to encourage users to go read the manual for the full explanation, so he had the units listed as microfortnights, hoping that puzzled readers would go search out the details.

Sadly, Dick suffered severe brain injury in a car accident many years ago, and was unable to return to work. We named a conference room in his honor at the Nashua, NH facility where VMS engineering lives, and if you visit it, you can see the prototype SD730, which was introduced as an April Fools joke one year. Here's the text from the "Product Information Sheet" for the SD730.

VAX-11/730

SD730 Fixed Head Solar Horologue

Overview

The SD730 is an option for the VAX-11/730(TM) that provides an inexpensive solution to the problem of setting system time correctly following a power failure. An astronomical reference is used to assure accuracy. Reliability is assured by the simple, elegant design which employs well-proven technology.

Description

The SD730 is a gnomonic high noon detector that provides a simple, but elegant solution to the problem of setting system time correctly following a power failure. This option is particularly valuable for processors lacking battery backup for their time-of-year (TOY) clock.

Highlights

- Gnomonic interference high noon detector
- High accuracy assured by low-drift astronomical reference
- Connects to existing DR-11C port on VAX-11/730
- Proprietary high-moon rejection design
- Offline mode for standalone time measurement
- User installable and maintainable
- Reliability assured by minimal component count and proven technology
- Heavy duty construction resists solar wind
- Anti-corrosion coating prevents gnomonic plague

Description

The SD730 provides a single bit of data via the DR-11C port of the VAX-11/730 that encodes all of its sensory information. Decoding is accomplished by measuring the on/off intervals of this sensor channel. Derivation of the time and date is accomplished by the SD730 Shadow Processing Support Software.

Accurate high-noon sensing is obtained by measuring the solar transit time and computing the midpoint. This algorithm also corrects for variations in gnomon width, latitude and season. In the event that a cloudless night permits a high full moon to be seen, it will be differentiated from an authentic high noon by comparing observed transit time against a reference solar transit time.

Within 24 hours following power restoration, the SD730 driver software will restore the correct system time.

Power outages in excess of 24 hours can be accomodated once a reference year has been accumulated. Day length, solar transit time and their rates of change are used to recognize the day within the year.

Installation

The SD730 is user installable and comes complete with an installation kit consisting of a lensatic compass. All software is self-installing and self-calibrating. The only requirement is that system time be set correctly and that at least one clear day be allowed for self calibration.

The SD730 will not operate reliably when installed at latitudes greater than 60 degrees.

Maintenance

While the SD730 is simple and reliable, some environments may necessitate periodic cleaning of the gnomon and photo-detector. Although the gnomon shields the photo-detector from debris, this may not be sufficient for particularly hazardous locations subject to overflights by large flocks of migratory birds. To assist in problem detection, error log entries will b

Pasta Maker

[ArmenTanzarian]

My buddy's Mom bought a pasta maker once and for some reason he had watched the instructional video that came with the thing. The video was completely normal except for the narrator, who kept making extremely sarcastic comments about the product and the video itself.

Examples:
There was a woman performing the things as he said them. He introduced her by saying, "Jane, who told us on her resume that her hobbies were stroking kitchen appliances."
And he referred to a metal measuring cup as, "A space age one-of-a-kind measuring tool"

Japanese Trough Dump?

[tds67]

I must admit, the motorcycle-style position while dumping is probably more natural, but it does seem strange after being taught the Western-style method of dropping your kids off at the pool.

Re:Japanese Trough Dump?

[Anonymous Coward]

We must have evolved to dump motocycle-style. Western-style seems strange if you consider evolutionary timescales.

whatever happened to chaos text

[DrSkwid]

oh that's right, lamers call it leet speak

Not funny, but I have something better...

[heironymouscoward]

Anyone who laughs at "insert trousers" needs to readjust their sense of humour.

Now, in a club in Lagos Nigeria (the bar is called Towers, a nice place on Victoria Island), there is a sign above the urinals, which says:

"Employees must wash genitals before returning to work"

I just wish I'd had my camera with me, but you will have to take my word for it.

Re:Not funny, but I have something better...

[sg3000]

> in a club in Lagos Nigeria (the bar is called Towers, a nice
> place on Victoria Island), there is a sign above the
> urinals, which says: "Employees must wash genitals
> before returning to work"

> I just wish I'd had my camera with me, but you will have
> to take my word for it.

Funny sign, but my suggestion is that you don't try to take a camera into a public restroom, snapping pictures while standing at the urinal and snickering to yourself.

Just a friendly Slashdot public service announcement!

Re:Not funny, but I have something better...

[heironymouscoward]

Yes, this is actually the way it was.

Still, it's the only toilet in the world I always came out of with a big smile on my face. And I know that sounds even worse. Tant pis.

Re:Not funny, but I have something better...

[SpatialJ]

Seen in a Hong Kong market restaurant (also above the urinals)

"The use of flushing water for other purposes than flushing is strictly prohibited"

Re:Meh.

[supersmike]

Good recommendation. So good I bookmarked it.

Redundant instructions

[kefoo]

My dad was once assembling a new riding lawnmower. He had to open the box to get the instructions. Step one in the manual was to open the box.

Of course,..

[mistermund]

We all know it doesn't hurt to throw a few technical illustrations into papers we may be writing...

http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail64.html

Re:morons document /. corepirate nazi alliance

[Anonymous Coward]

This is, without a doubt, one of the strangest trolls I have ever encountered on Slashdot. The same type of thing has been posted several times, always by an anonymous coward, and always with the same bizarre spelling and grammar.

It's like they're on drugs or something. Does anyone know who this is, or if it's a bot ? Because it's really starting to bug me now.

Look out bullow, indeed.

Re:Hall of Dubya's weirdness !!!

[Anonymous Coward]

Dumbass.

Half of those things you mentioned could not have been Bush's fault, since the events that caused them to occur actually happened while Clinton was president. Perhaps you remember Clinton ordering the lobbing of cruise missiles at Afghanistan from afar? What do you think predicated attacks on us? And I seem to recall Mr. Clinton exempting plenty of people from plenty of things (like SUV's from gas mileage restrictions perhaps) that caused more need for oil than at any other point in history. Furthermore, it was the greed and largesse of Clinton's administration (after all, WorldCom, Enron, et al. started ripping people off during his administration, not Bush's) that lead to the current views that people need to surpass the Joneses.

Also, a list like this would be way more believeable with some sources. However, as is typical of all anti-whatever rhetoric, there are none.

Worst article ever.

[Cigarra]

I mean it.

Re:Worst article ever.

[johny_qst]

I agree that it ranks in the top twenty worst articles to reach the frontpage of /. I won't let it take the top spot until we see the dupe of this article on friday!

Mouse Balls Memo

[w.p.richardson]

MEMO: If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure,replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement,the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

sometimes...

[jlemmerer]

...when i read technical documents at my company i also start to laugh, but unfortunately its the "manic laugh of utter despair". In my company development and documentation are handled by two different departments, so just take a guess how the documents look like if they are written by somebody who doesn't know a glimpse anything related to IT. Hopefully other /.'ers have better experience. To cut a long story short: if the wants all the "funny" dokumentation produced at the company I work, he should just get a laaaaaarge RAID...

Comment removed

[account_deleted]

Comment removed based on user account deletion

More Mockery

[batkins]

Some friends and I came up with this. It's based on the signs that used to be available at ready.gov.

Re:More Mockery

[BrainInAJar]

There was a fark photoshop contest that did the same thing. I wish I had a link (I mean really, I wish I had a link, it was hillarious)

Translation fun

[Paisley Phrog]

Most of my favorite examples are as a result of a poor translation...

From instructions for a plastic puzzle ball that comes apart into 8 pieces, to be reassambled:

"DECOMPOSITION FUN BALL. TAKE PIECES APART. TRY TO PUT BACK TOGETHER. NOW YOU CAN HAVE HOURS OF DECOMPOSITION FUN!"

(No cemetery required.)

And another one, which actually is technical writing of a sort; those instructions from the back of a pack of chopsticks at a Chinese buffet. For the most part, they're pretty good, but I like the last instruction, after telling you how to manipulate them:

"4. NOW YOU CAN PICK UP ANYTHING"

Haven't tested that bold assertion on cars or women, yet.

Re:Translation fun

[gimple]

My favorite chopstick phrase:

"Fearlessness of boiling water."

That's it. No other context.

shoe

[hankwang]

From the article:

> Exhibit 4 - From a pair of shoes. The symbols apparently mean leather uppers, cloth interior and diamonds on the soles

I don't know what it's like in the USA, but in Europe (at least in Sweden and Netherlands), most shoes in the stores have these symbols. I believe that the `diamond' means it's synthetic material, though I'm not sure whether it only applies to molded synthetics.

Re:shoe

[Blain]

Oh. I thought it was referring to the Paul Simon song "Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes."

Darn.

And now for something resembling funny

[scrytch]

If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.

Here's something actually funny

[Dr. Manhattan]

And nearly germane. The error messages for the Apple MPW C compiler.

For example:

• a typedef name was a complete surprise to me at this point in your program
• Can't cast a void type to type void (because the ANSI spec. says so, that's why)
• can't go mucking with a 'void *'

Plenty more goodies! Somebody had some fun writing those error messages...

Re:Here's something actually funny

[Get Behind the Mule]

That seems to be a part of the Macintosh culture. Steve Dorner, the original author of the Eudora mail client (which was first implemented on the Mac), also like to include messages like these in his program.

One that I remember is: If you started pressing keys in a situation where there's no writable window and no place else to type, a dialogue would eventually pop up saying, "There's no one listening to keystrokes now. You might as well stop typing."

Re:Here's something actually funny

[PK_ERTW]

All right, these are probably about the funniest error messages I have ever seen from a compiler. And they do seem to give the nature of the problem in most cases. BUT, there is one...

"Huh ?"

That is going a bit far. Humour is good and all, but that doesn't seem like very much information to figure out what is wrong with your program.

pk

Re:Here's something actually funny

[Trukster]

Apple used to have a pretty good sense of humor, back in the day. I still have my users guide for the Apple][+ and the glossery defines "bug" as "see feature" and "window" as "something to throw your computer out of"

Re:Here's something actually funny

[randyest]

Can't recall where this is from, but my favorite error message:

ERROR: this can never happen

Re:Here's something actually funny

[scrytch]

One of my favorites:

$ tar c
tar: Cowardly refusing to create an empty archive

Re:Here's something actually funny

[atomicdragon]

The most humor I have seen in a C compiler (I had never used an the above one) was in the help files for Turbo C++ 3.0. If you look up the sound() function, the sample code included a story about how 6 Hz is the resonant frequency of a chicken's skull and how it killed a bunch of chickens next to some factory (no, their heads did not explode).

Re:Here's something actually funny

[jesser]

I love that compiler! I still use it when I need to write a simple program, even though it's from 1992. MSVC is slow and annoying, and gcc doesn't have an IDE with help.

Here's the complete example:

/* Emits a 7-Hz tone for 10 seconds.

True story: 7 Hz is the resonant
frequency of a chicken's skull cavity.
This was determined empirically in
Australia, where a new factory
generating 7-Hz tones was located too
close to a chicken ranch: When the
factory started up, all the chickens
died.

Your PC may not be able to emit a 7-Hz tone. */

#include <dos.h>

int main(void)
{
sound(7);
delay(10000);
nosound();
return 0;
}

This page left blank

[SuperBanana]

Years ago while helping my high school with some card-catalog software, I was flipping through the manual and saw:

THIS PAGE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK

My first thought was "god, what a bunch of anal-retentive...." So I continued reading, and almost didn't notice that the next blank(or not blank) page was:

THIS PAGE ALSO INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK

I smirked a little, and read on. It kept getting better though:

YES, THIS PAGE -ALSO- INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK

THIS PAGE SHOULD NOT BE LEFT BLANK. OOPS, JUST KIDDING.

etc. etc...they obviously had some fun with that one, realizing just how stupid those messages are and poking fun at it.

It's almost as good as the Irix workstation which was donated to the HS...it would get increasingly cross if it found someone else was using its IP, and the logs would look something like this:

Computer with MAC Address 34:23:23... is using my IP address
Computer with MAC Address 34:23:23... is using my IP address
Computer with MAC Address 34:23:23... is still using my IP address
Computer with MAC Address 34:23:23... is STILL using my IP address
Computer with MAC Address 34:23:23... IS STILL USING MY IP ADDRESS GOD DAMMIT!

(I don't remember the exact wording, but yes, it would finally start cursing mildly).

Re:This page left blank

[Doctor7]

YES, THIS PAGE -ALSO- INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK

THIS PAGE SHOULD NOT BE LEFT BLANK. OOPS, JUST KIDDING.

etc. etc...

Not the only people to have done that. I was working for the UK distributor of PageStream (ST and Amiga DTP package, which should give you some idea how far back I'm going) and the draft manual was full of similar comments ("LEFT PAGE LEFT BLANK, RIGHT PAGE RIGHT ON" and so on). Don't know if they ever made it into the final version.

The reason for the "THIS PAGE iINTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK" is of course to let the proofreader and/or printers know that it's not an error - which is probably why you don't see it so much now, nobody actually expects printers to notice errors any more.

Re:This page left blank

[Anonymous Coward]

I think I remember seeing that one in an actual book. (intentionally left blank)
How about:
"THIS PAGE IS BLANK."

Re:This page left blank

[TeXMaster]

The weiredest "This page intentionally left blank" messages I've seen (apart from the "This note intentionally left, Blanc" joke in one of those Adventure-like games) was the online manual for Lucid3D.

Lucid3D, for those who don't remember it, was the first spreadsheet programs that supported "transparent" links between spreadsheets, long before Lotus or Quattro supported them. It wasn't really three-dimensional (there *was* a three-dimensional spreadsheet some time ago, but didn't get much notice, because it was somewhat clumsly to use on 2D screens ...).

Lucid3D had a comprehensive online help system (callable via the mouse: the whole program was *designed* the mouse), showing single-page descriptions of all the features and functions it had. BUT, the help system could also be browsed like a book, starting from the first "screen" down to the bottom.

If you did follow this route (I discovered it by chance), you would actually see, once in a while, "screens" that had nothing to do with Lucid3D, but were rather quotes from books, poems, etc (mostly quotes on writing), just like if they had to "fill up" blank pages. The only one I remember is the famous quote from Omar Khayyam:

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it

Wonder if this is the oldest Easter Egg in computing?

Dell Midtowers

[Gizzmonic]

I wish I still had the instruction manual that came with my girlfriend's old Dell mid tower (Pentium MMX model that came out in about 1997).

It had a screwless door that you could remove to add RAM and expansion cards. The instruction manual illustrated how to remove the door: one hand on each side to press the catches down, and one hand to push the door off. That's right, three hands to open your computer. And the illustration actually showed three hands!

I actually pinned the picture on my dorm bulletin board, and holding it up as an example of terrible industrial design...but maybe it was just 'bizarre' and deserves to be on that site.

Re:Dell Midtowers

[Chelloveck]

Ah yes, that was a brilliant design. You either needed two people or needed to use a foot (or nose, or forehead) to shove the door off. I would not be at all surprised if the three-handed diagram was the tech writer's intentional protest of the bad engineering.

The TeXbook

[TeXMaster]

When I read the first line of this post I instantly thought of the TeXbook. Knuth points out that most manuals are dull and boring, and goes on saying that this manual (the TeXbook, and similarly for the METAFONTbook) is different in that it contains jokes here and there. And in fact this is true, even though the jokes are very "technical". But is the really good technical fun, not the one that comes from misprints originated by typos or ignorance. After all, how many nongeeks would laugh for the average www.userfriendly.org strip?

Re:The TeXbook

[hesiod]

> how many nongeeks would laugh for the average www.userfriendly.org strip?

Hell, I AM a geek and don't laugh at the average userfriendly strip. Not because I don't "get it," mind you...

Re:The TeXbook

[TeXMaster]

> > how many nongeeks would laugh for the average www.userfriendly.org strip?

> Hell, I AM a geek and don't laugh at the average userfriendly strip. Not because I don't "get it," mind you...

Well, ok. Technically speaking UserFriendly does not (usually) incite to "roll oneself on the floor" and all that stuff. So I chose the wrong term. Yet I find UserFriendly quite humorous most of the time, maybe in a "non-explosive" fashion. Somewhat like the Peanuts by the late Charles M. Schultz.

One time

[RightInTheNeck]

One time I helped put together a childrens jungle gym sorta deal. It came in a box about the size of a small Australian territory in about 367,894 seperate pieces. Being the men that we are and with the youngins watching in great awe we tossed the directions aside and dove in. After we finished we realized it looked like a scene from that movie "Labyrinth" and something was very very wrong. I picked up the directions finally and opened up to the first page and at the very top in really small print it said "Welcome back". Now I dont know if it was meant for another reason or it was the author being a smartass but it was damn funny at the time you had to be there I guess.

Rare and unintentional exception?!?

[StringBlade]

"Generally speaking, with the exception of Tina on Dilbert, technical writers aren't very funny. This is something of a rare and unintentional exception."

Nope, sorry. This guy is about as funny as wet cardboard. And according to the submitter, he's right up the same alley as most other technical writers.

But I don't blame the writers for being unfunny. Their job isn't to humor us on how this toaster can kill you when soaked in water while plugged in - it's to be serious and prevent injury and death in many cases. As far as a story goes, this isn't one and I see the slashdotting as a benefit to those who will never see the site.

Re:Rare and unintentional exception?!?

[kaszeta]

But I don't blame the writers for being unfunny. Their job isn't to humor us on how this toaster can kill you when soaked in water while plugged in - it's to be serious and prevent injury and death in many cases. As far as a story goes, this isn't one and I see the slashdotting as a benefit to those who will never see the site.

Myself, I'm usually much more impressed by technical drawings that actually convey a message without many words in a multi-ethnic manner. Particularly good examples I've run into include

• The sticker on the side of the vending machine here that iconically shows that rocking the vending machine in an attempt to get free product may result in a particularly unpleasant blunt trauma death.
• The sign I saw in Munich that made it clear that peeing off the U-bahn platform could result in electrocution. A nearby sign iconically warned that you can get a hefty fine for drinking a mug of beer on the U-bahn.
• The iconic depiction in my snowblower manual that tells you that if you stick your arm into the snow ejector port to clear a jam, you may lose half of your arm and end up bleeding to death in a snowbank, your frantic calls for help unheeded.
• The sticker on my roof rack that indicates that overloading the roof-rack may result in sudden and catastrophic failure of the rack, with your bicycles impacting the hood of the person tailgating you.

In all these cases the images are entertaining because they actually manage to convey the message they were intended to.

Maybe I should put *these* on a site.

Re:Rare and unintentional exception?!?

[gughunter]

> Their job isn't to humor us on how this toaster can kill you when soaked in water while plugged in - it's to be serious and prevent injury and death in many cases.

If The Boomer Bible taught me anything, it's that a funny cautionary message can often be more memorable than a "serious" one.

Shuttle Carrier Aircraft

[Feng]

On one of the carriers they use to ferry space shuttles around, there's a blindingly obvious sign written on one of the struts which reads "Place Orbiter Here... Black Side Down"

:)

Re:Shuttle Carrier Aircraft

[zulux]

Copy of 'back side down' image here -> Image

It's on an AOL account, hidden in a 'private' directory. Kinda funny.

Re:Shuttle Carrier Aircraft

[Anonymous Coward]

You left out the best part, though:

"Lefty loosey, righty tighty".

Re:Shuttle Carrier Aircraft

[SuiteSisterMary]

"Do not look into laser with remaining eye."

Mirror

[Anonymous Coward]

Mirror

Another mirror here. Please don't slashdot it too much, it's an old, falling-apart server :)

Re:Mirror

[hesiod]

> Please don't slashdot it too much, it's an old, falling-apart server

If it's an old, falling-apart server, perhaps you shouldn't post a link to in on slashdot. Just an observation.

Re: Bizarre technical writing/writers

[Anonymous Coward]

We tech writers love words and dry humor, and are usually the first to laugh at such content. That is partly what keeps us smiling as we work with others' bulleted lists, brain-dumps of unpunctuated text, and illegible whiteboard diagrams! We laugh just as easily when our work is published in our managers' names or that of brilliant software developers who cannot generate a complete sentence. It's our nature and skill to communicate what matters and drop the rest. Others are often the source of such nonsense in "our" work.

Printed on the "Blank" pages of IBM manuals of old

[Reggyt]

"This page intentionally left blank"

Technical Writing

[Detritus]

HP used to have some great technical writers, back when they were primarily a test and measurement company. Look at some of the manuals for their early lines of scientific calculators.

Today, thanks to "modern" management and cost-cutting masquerading as environmentalism, most product documentation has been reduced to a few poorly written help and PDF files. When I spend $500 on a software package, I expect more than a pamphlet, CD and license code.

we have put it to sleep

[ramzak2k]

whatever it was, we took it down. I say it was worth it ! Been 2 full articles since any serious slashdotting.

Re:Hall of Dubya's weirdness !!!

[Anonymous Coward]

Perhaps you could take your own advice and realize that Clinton did not make Enron or WorldCom rip people off. And you wouldn't say that Bush is greedy with all of his oil companies he has stock in, and the fact that he made upinformation to persuade people to go to war in Iraq, one of the leading oil producing countries?? Or maybe it's just coincidence...please

"Front Towards Enemy"

[Anonymous Coward]

Recall sad tale of an early Claymore demo in France that went seriously awry when sergeant & officer checking placement of the highly directional & very deadly mine misinterpreted the signage.

Seems they presumed the raised "Front Towards Enemy" WARNING cast into front(business)side cover was instead a "you're safe, it's pointed away" assurance that would be readable from behind when in proper position ... NOT.

There were some survivors in the NATO reviewing stands ...

Cardboard.

[hackwrench]

I don't see why you would have to take the cardboard out. I've put the cardboard in the oven and it turns out just fine as long as you don't turn the temperature up to 451F

Re:Cardboard.

[zx75]

Well, he happened to have the unfortunate bad luck that it came on a tray on top of the cardboard... and the cardboard sortof, smoked. Badely...

Re:Cardboard.

[Anonymous Coward]

What? You have to turn the oven on? Who the heck writes these instructions? No wonder my pizza always turns out cold and clammy.

Re:Cardboard.

[Anonymous Coward]

As long as you like really soft-crust pizza.

Technical writers can be funny

[SuperQ]

Maybe i'm just lucky, but my girlfriend is a technical writer at Cray, and she's always cracking some kind of joke.. I don't know if it makes it into her manuals or not.

Re:Printed on the "Blank" pages of IBM manuals of

[Jeremy Erwin]

They didn't want customers calling them up complaining about missing pages. So, if every blank page had an acknowledgment of the fact that IBM really, truly meant to leave that page unfilled by black text, then the customer could be assured that it wasn't a printing error.

Great

[YAN3D]

This guy has assembled a bunch of examples of bizarre technical illustration. There's only about 15 at the moment, but he's collecting further examples

Lets help this guy out by totally blasting his site off of the internet slashdot style.

I must protest.

[blang]

technical writers aren't very funny

I am not a technical writer, but in my experience, the technical writers are consistently the funniest and most diverse group in the company, and they often have some artistic hobby, and some are writing a novel on their spare time. Novelists are technical writers while they wait for publication. Stand up comedians tend to work in call centers.

Re:I must protest.

[Anonymous Coward]

" the technical writers are consistently the funniest and most diverse group in the company"

I suppose you've never seen those completely stupid Larry Wall quotes at the bottom of Slashdot comment pages. ;p

Re:I must protest.

[Fizzl]

Make another note. I'm a software integrator.
I juggle with Diabolo and play drums.

So all technical people have some creative and weird hobbies to counter the ones and zeros?

How about you?

Re:I must protest.

[davew2040]

I hope they're funnier than you have been in this discussion :(

Re:Technical writers ARE funny

[merta]

I've been a technical writer for 9 years. And I am funny. Most of my co-workers are funny. In fact they are some of the funniest people I've ever met. I don't know where this guy gets off saying tech writers aren't funny.

Technical writers aren't funny?

[Silverhammer]

What d'ya mean technical writers aren't funny? We have great senses of humor. How else could we tolerate working with engineers?

IBM NLS Guide

[Anonymous Coward]

The last published version that I know of (softcover, green coloured) had an entry in its world languages table for Klingon. Those wacky IBMers!

Document this!

[AkkarAnadyr]

Whoever was optimistic enough to write the marketing copy for the Polytron should be the one to take a stab at the manual too, I suppose.

Re:Document this!

[johnmig]

Hey, I've actually used a Polytron. It's used in biochemistry (Grind 'n Find). All it is is a Tim-Taylor-the-Toolman Binfordized blender. And no I naever made mouse-shakes. We used it for ginding up plants.

Project Docs and User Docs should always be funny

[Anonymous Coward]

remember your audience:

users are stupid. they need humor (or a similar learning tool) to get through their thick skulls. *If they really understood IT - they'd be laid off*

managers are even dumber. they are just better at politics than ordinary users. you need clear, straight forward facts.

other programmers are either stupid, indian, or both. therefore, remember your target audience - may only have a rudimentary understanding of the language. and without a really good understanding of the language, subtle humor - including sarcasm and irony (gen x mainstays) is lost. even between same language people, without a common cultural reference, much of the humor is lost. (notable exception: Monty Python. perfect example: Ali G.)

Consumer Reports "selling it"

[hellfire]

Check out the back page of a Consumer Reports magazine. They have great examples of silly ads, bad technical documentation, and veiled attempts at what can only be explained as attempts to rip people off. They are far more entertaining and funny than this list, which is not very funny or entertaining.

I'd have a web link but Consumer Reports website is a subscription based site you have to pay to get into.

Re:Technical writers ARE funny

[Anonymous Coward]

na

Not Funny

[Anonymous Coward]

Well this site not being the least bit funny, i suggest you check out Engrish.com atleast making fun of people who cant translate to english correctly is funny

/.'ed

[Anonymous Coward]

I regrettable, even excessively am many relationships this time when it is there.

payback is sweet.

[Bill, Shooter of Bul]

I work for an american company that has exports to the far east. Our translations into japanese and chinese should give the customers a good laugh, that is until they realize that we don't offer customer support to asia.

Re:payback is sweet.

[hesiod]

> until they realize that we don't offer customer support to asia.

Muwahahahaha, that's great! All's fair in love and Global economics.

Best "No..." sign ever

[daveschroeder]

Don't do anything...whatever you are thinking of, don't do it!

I'm not even sure I was supposed to take a picture of it...

Re:Best "No..." sign ever

[Anonymous Coward]

you are not funny you fucking fag shithead. that sign was propbably off of a set of excercise equipment, or it was a symbol for marking a trail. you think you are fucking cute. you think you are. i piss on you, drip drip drip, pee on you.

Lame Cartoons, NOT FUNNY!

[Anonymous Coward]

Lame Cartoons, NOT FUNNY!

Re:Moderation...

[Anonymous Coward]

making fun of children's drawings really isn't that funny - kind of sad actually.

Having worked in computer book publishing...

[Anonymous Coward]

They'll likely come to me one at a time, but the "real editors" had pet peeves about certain words and phrases. To wit: "depress the mouse" When they'd find something like this, they had xerox pages they'd hang on their office doors as a token of such a find. In the case of "depress the mouse", they'd put up a picture of a sad mouse; i.e., one which was crying.

That is great!

[The Tyro]

Being former SWAT, I almost peed my pants reading that one.

Some of those are actual SWAT hand signals too (though the translation is a bit off).

Too funny... thanks for the morning chuckle!

That goes in my bookmarks.

May contain peanuts? Go figure.

[Thuktun]

I have a digital photo lying around somewhere that documents a chocolate peanut butter cup candy box that says "May Contain Peanuts" on the back.

The scheme shell!

[joeytsai]

Olin Shivers was one of my professors at Georgia Tech (and a great one at that), and he's also the author of the scheme shell. I always smile when I read the acknowledgements page.

Re:The scheme shell!

[Anonymous Coward]

.....that was the greatest thing I have ever read. Look for moderation after around 11 pm

I hate web forums

[ChaosDiscord]

Most web forums are full of twelve year olds perfectly willing to take someone elses content and claim it on their own, or to leech bandwidth by posting a img link to a different site.

I hate (most) web forums.

It's pretty clear that the page you link to is just such a site. He just took a bunch of screenshots of another web page and produced them (clearly infringing copyright).

This appears to be the original SWAT team hand gestures page.

This came with a Vaio notebook

[Anonymous Coward]

It looks kinda serious. Oddly, there was no english translation.

http://www2.freepichosting.com/Images/73993/0.jp g

Andrew Tanenbaum -Structured Computer Organization

[Nexzus]

Fourth Edition
It's a great book, and Tanenbaum really knows his stuff, but sometimes he would put some really stupid jokes in the text.

And this line from page 21 of "E-Commerce and E-Business Infrastructure" by Chaudhury/Kuilboer cracked me up the first time I read it.

"For brick and mortar companies, the challenge is to incorporate Web-based channels into existing operations so as to maximize synergy" which reads straight out of 1999.

Actually, 'may contain peanuts' has a reason

[Polyphemis]

For the life of me, I googled for it and I still can't find where I read this originally, but IIRC, the warning "May Contain Nuts" was on bags of peanuts because peanuts and nuts are two entirely different types of nuts, and some people have violent allergic reactions to nuts but NOT peanuts.

The explanation I remember went like this: Peanuts and nuts are harvested in the same fields and often use the same bags to dump them in when they're collected, and those bags sometimes get stray nuts stuck inside of them among all the peanuts. Hence, there is a possibility that nuts MAY be contained within the peanut package since there's really no feasible way to sort through every single individual peanut and try to find the nut, and that anyone that's allergic to nuts needs to be wary.

If anyone knows what I'm talking about and has a clearer recollection, or, even better, a link explaining this, speak up!

Re:Actually, 'may contain peanuts' has a reason

[sprouty76]

Actualy, peanuts aren't nuts at all, they're legumes. But the rest of your reasoning is correct, some people have violent allergies to nuts but nothing else.

Re:Actually, 'may contain peanuts' has a reason

[91degrees]

It's apparently true that peanuts are legumes, making them more pea than nut.

I have no idea whether it's true that the reason for the warning is that nuts and peanuts are not the same thing.

I've always assumed it was just because some guy was given the job of labelling any item that may contain nuts, and felt that he simply wouldn't be doing his job if he didn't label the nuts as containing nuts

Re:Actually, 'may contain peanuts' has a reason

[arivanov]

Hello city boy. Ever been out of there?

1. Ever seen anything growing under a nut tree (assuming we are talking walnut or similar)?

2. Peanuts are dug from the ground so this means disrupting any tree roots that are there.

Re:Actually, 'may contain peanuts' has a reason

[emptor]

Actually, peanuts aren't nuts at all, but legumes (family Leguminosae). True nuts grow on trees, peanuts grow underground. The reason things get labelled "contains peanuts" is that some folk (rare though they may be) are allergic to peanuts (and have severe reaction to them), so the lawyer-types make them put that on food items that contain them. Now, as for other nut products being labelled the same, it's because they pften packaged in the same factories as peanuts so there may be some cross-contamination.

Re:Actually, 'may contain peanuts' has a reason

[Walt Dismal]

I have violent reactions to nuts, but only the ones heading SCO.

Re:Actually, 'may contain peanuts' has a reason

[Anonymous Coward]

That has to be there as a peanut is NOT a nut, its a tuber, like a potato, or carrot.

It just looks like a nut, and uses the same processing machines, etc. (harvesting bags, that sort of thing)

Re:Actually, 'may contain peanuts' has a reason

[Anonymous Coward]

Heh. The hick answers a question in a vague way without any actual information, while taking a bit of a snipe at 'city boys', and all the city boy mods think it's informative.

Some AC takes a swipe back at him and his lame reply, and it's marked Troll, because the mods still don't understand what troll means, but they suspect it's making fun of their inability to moderate correctly.

Slashdot at it's finest. The parent might be flamebait, but it's not a troll, you ignorant fucktards.

Re:Actually, 'may contain peanuts' has a reason

[The Phantom Buffalo]

-1, dumb as a box of rocks.

He was pointing out that since peanuts grow in the ground and "real" nuts grow on trees, the assumption that they are harvested from the same fields and could be mixed together is false.

Possible cross contamination during processing, and packaging is the reason for the warning.

REAL Tech writer blunders...

[ivanmarsh]

Like the time we at Borland International (circ:1991ish) released our Quattro Pro product with a nice image on the back of the box illustrating a new macro language added to the product.

The code snippet in the image was a macro that logged you into our R&D server including addresses, passwords, etc...

My old Datsun Manual was good

[Crusadio]

Years ago I bought a brand new 1980 Datsun 310-GX. I decided to get the service manual since I did alot of my own car repairs. Many of the illustrations dealing with vacuum hoses, brake lines, etc. had a little cartoon man with his mouth on the end of the tube, blowing or sucking in an exaggerated manner, to show the direction of air or fluid flow. It was pretty amusing and quite suggestive. I'll have to go see if I still have it in the garage...

documentation weirdness from me

[Jucius Maximus]

I was just reading some comments I wrote a while ago in the program I am currently working on, and I found the following gem:

"Additionally, this 0-length string englifies that this form was not called from another."

I have no idea what that word was supposed to be ... Shame ... and my first language is English. :-)

Re:documentation weirdness from me

[jvkjvk]

Perhaps "signifies" ?

That would at least make sense, though you'd have to look at the code to make sure...

Re:documentation weirdness from me

[Jucius Maximus]

That does work. Although I have already changed it to 'denotes.'

OH! I get it now

[Hoi Polloi]

"Needs switches shoving NO,for pre arrows specifing of orention shiving.Packing it up time,withbold toy pate need switches shoving OFF."

I need orention shiving NO not BEOFEER! He Get lucky A number 1!

Thanks for clearing that up.

DDR

[yerricde]

This guys sense of humor includes laughing at perfectly normal operation instructions because they contain "lots of arrows"? ...yawn...

And did this guy ever play Dance Dance Revolution?

See Figure 1

[Royster]

Obligatory Technical Documentation link

http://www.things.org/~jym/fun/see-figure-1.html

Slow news day?

[AbbyNormal]

Check out my new site: Paint drying webcam!

The Greatest Sign In The World

[LostSinner]

take a gander.

Check out my organism!

[Anonymous Coward]

My organism supports peanuts also. I'm having one right now!

Re:Printed on the "Blank" pages of IBM manuals of

[UserGoogol]

Yes, it's a useful comment. Have extra blank pages for reasons of bad planning, and make sure people know it's nothing to worry about.

The thing which makes this "funny" (in that obscene geek sense) is that, of course, the page isn't blank. It has "this page intentionally left blank" on it.

Superheated?

[fendel]

What, boiling water isn't hot enough to cause serious injuries? Spill some in your lap and find out.

Read the facts of the case. Coffee served at home is typically 135-140 degrees; McDonald's was holding their coffee at 185-190 degrees, which is hot enough to cause third-degree burns. (The woman in the lawsuit was hospitalized for eight days; she had third-degree burns over 6% of her body and required skin grafts.)

The warning printed on the cup is, unfortunately, a classic case of "fix it with documentation": a bad product decision that the writer has to try to protect users from. It's a pity McDonald's didin't let the warning writer tell the truth--Warning: Coffee has been held near boiling point, may cause extensive and excruciating injuries if spilled, which is not unlikely since our own research indicates that most customers drink this stuff in the car immediately after purchase...

Food warning

[Khelder]

I was disturbed and amused by a warning on the stick form factor of Crisco: "Not to be used as a spread."

Ewww.

Re:Food warning

[hesiod]

> the stick form factor of Crisco

Form Factor. Is that the first phrase you came up with? Wow.

Re:Food warning

[Khelder]

Hey, I was reading /. at the time, which puts one in a certain state of mind. :)

I thought about changing it, but decided it was appropriate for this audience.

ancient mac

[Anonymous Coward]

What I thought was funny was the canon camera one with the arrows. Mr Barefoot comments that the clipart used for the Mac and PC look alike but doesn't mention that the doc is copyrighted 2003 and the clipart for the Mac shows a ten year old PowerMac which is unlikely to have a USB port or a standard PC card slot because it had Nubus slots.

Weird Technical Documentation Site

[herwin]

Needs work. When I was in the USA last month, I replaced the hard drive in my Powerbook G4 AND I bought one of those cameras. In both cases, the documentation came in very useful. And yes, I did use a soft cloth for the keyboard and rested the PowerBook display in my lap. If you have one, you'ld know why.

Cheers,

Harry Erwin

muffin

[Anguo]

"Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat."
Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11.

Re:muffin

[Anguo]

"Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat." Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11.

I forgot to say that I am not really sure they meant to imply to insert the muffin in the now open mouth. They could have made this point a bit clearer.

Auzzie Outback Sign

[a1englishman]

While hiking through the Australian Blue Mountains (near Sidney), I came accross the following sign:

http://www.photo.net/photodb/photo?photo_id=1225 83

It had several lines of text, in various Asian languges, and one line of English that read:

THIS SIGN IS TO PREVENT FOREIGN TOURISTS FROM GETTING LOST.

Love to know what the other lines say.

Re:Auzzie Outback Sign

[kps]

Well, the top line says:

If you are confronted by an anxious robot, you and your two friends can ride the rocking horse along the trail of utility poles (watch out for sleeping bats) back to your wide-screen television.

Foreign languages are way easy.

Re:Auzzie Outback Sign

[IcyWolfy]

Japanese: "If you are not an experienced at Bush Walking, do not go past this point"

Misread...

[Anonymous Coward]

A quick glance at the headline revealed:

Half of All Technical Documentation Worthless

Notes on schematics

[Anonymous Coward]

In the early 70s, I came across a schematic for a guitar amplifier and in the small notes section that nobody ever reads (except me), which normally notes things like capacitor voltage and resistor wattage, there was this note

Dogs are faster in Greenland because the trees are farther apart.

Its been 30 years, and every schematic that I've drawn since, I've followed that lead and added that same note...

Does anyone remember Fig. 1, AT&T Cust. Svc. m

[MickLinux]

I think that came out in 1988 or so, but there were all kinds of things like
"We've got lots of them. So many in fact, that you would need two strong people to carry around the documentation if we had bothered to write it. So many that even we don't know what most of them do. Don't ask us for any of these options, because we probably can't find the PEC for it anyway. Even if we find the PEC, we probably can't order it either (just TRY asking for nroff on a 3B2). If you don't like it, call Technologies. They'll tell you to see Figure 1."

And, of course, Figure 1 was a ascii-art image, in the finest technical wierdness tradition.

this guy's trying reaaaaaal hard

[Illserve]

to squeeze something "/. postable" out of garbage.

And he didn't do a very good job.

For those of you smarting from that lack of funny, I suggest somethingawful's comedy goldmines.

Re:Hall of Dubya's weirdness !!!

[Anonymous Coward]

Well even if you remove half of it, there you are with a pretty impressive list nevertheless.

Also baffling...

[CrazyTalk]

I could never figure out why, on the back of a credit card, it gives the number to call if your card is lost or stolen. If your card is lost or stolen, how can you check the back of the card for the number to call????

Re:Also baffling...

[quohog]

I imagine it's so that the honest citizen who finds your lost card can report it lost on your behalf and save you the hassle of dealing with credit card fraud.

Garment Management System

[serutan]

One time I asked for one of those hooks that snap onto the top of a cubicle wall, so I would have a place to hang my jacket. What they got me instead was a really nice padded coat hanger, like for a suit jacket, with a small clip-on hook to hang the coat-hanger on. It came in a special triangular box labelled "Garment Management System". So I cut the name off the box and stuck it on the wall next to the hanger. Just so people wouldn't mistake my Garment Management System for a mere coat hanger.

Tektronix did similar things...

[KC7GR]

Years ago, back before Tektronix's quality of documentation suffered the Curse of the MBA's, when they still had real schematics and valuable service info in their equipment manuals, one would often find cute little additions to the corner of a schematic diagram.

Two that I remember, which I think showed up in manuals for the 540-series or similar era oscilloscopes, were a wizard on a skateboard, and a forlorn-looking imp, blackened like a charcoal briquette, with little wisps of smoke coming up as though he'd been struck by lightning.

The additions were appropriate, too. The wizard, I think, showed up in the triggering section (this was a time when some Tek engineers were referred to as 'wizards,' thanks to the advances they were making in triggered-sweep 'scopes), while the imp appeared in the high-voltage power supply area.

I think such additions would help keep technical writers from going quietly nuts. I know from experience that it's a demanding and very dull task to write a good manual. I'm not going to blame anyone for doing what amount to sanity-saving doodles, especially if they're well done.

Re:Tektronix did similar things...

[Anonymous Coward]

Yep, the schematics for my old Tek 545 'scope had a small racing car zooming along the bottom of one page. Good 'scope, just abandoned it to the tree lawn last year!

Best is the ATTRITION disclaimer...

[Pig Hogger]

From Attrition.org.

This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool. process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your canceled check is your receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in a well-ventilated are. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Unix is a registeredtrademark of AT&T. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop. Package sold by weight, not volume. Your mileage may vary. This article does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my cat. Don't quote me on that. Don't quote me on anything. All rights reserved. You may distribute this article freely but you may not make a profit from it. Terms are subject to change without notice. Illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental. Do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law. Hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat. Do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle. No substi

Not funny but...

[Uerige]

...I think the trousers press itself is funny. I have only seen these things in the UK, and even though I have been explained many times what they're used to I still wonder what they are actually used for. If you know what I mean...

Old /. story

[TheTomcat]

Here.

As mentioned in that story, my all-time favorite is from a Mackie (audio mixer) manual:
"The mating ritual of consenting adult banana plugs".

(anyone who's ever "mated" banana plugs knows exactly what the author was talking about. (-: )

S

Warning on a stroller I bought for my daughter

[fknnewguy]

I bought this stroller made by Graco for my daughter a few years ago, and, I kid you not, on the illustration for folding it up for storage was this warning: Remove infant from stoller before collapsing

Cursing and Matlab

[Tired_Blood]

I was using Matlab (4.x I think) as an undergrad and got so frustrated during one all-nighter that I typed in the command line "fuck". Instead of the typical annoying machine beep and a standard error message, I got a response similar to following:

"This function is no longer supported and will need to be removed from future versions."

That replaced my curses of frustration with laughter. Of course, I had to verify that they no longer supported that function in 5.x - too bad.

WINDEX

[Bastian]

I'm glad that the good people at Windex were kind enough to remind me that Windex should not be used for the cleaning of contact lenses.

Saiyan wield ways and means

[lone_marauder]

From instructions for setting up and using a flying Dragonball Z action figure:(from the site)

Tad disport of time grown man tatelage.

That's just disgusting.

None specified

[four12]

Found on the inside of my firefighting helmet, among 3 dozen other labels and warnings:

"Warning: firefighting is inherently dangerous"

My favorite instructions of all time

[skintigh2]

MRE (meal ready to eat) heater instructions:

http://www.mreinfo.com/images/mre-heater.jpg
Cl earer at bottom of this page:
http://www.mreinfo.com/mre-frh.html

It's kinda hard to see, but the instructions say to keep the heater inclined. Then there is a picture with the heater at an angle leaning on an object labeled "rock or something."

Re:My favorite instructions of all time

[CoffeeJedi]

dang, you beat me to it

Re:My favorite instructions of all time

[Quixotic Raindrop]

Since when have MREs come with heaters? When I was in the Army, we had to use the exhaust grille of our M1A1s to heat our meals rejected by ethopians. You guys have it so easy. :P

My other favorite military instruction

[skintigh2]

An anti-personnel landmine that reads simply "Front towards enemy."

Re:My other favorite military instruction

[Quixotic Raindrop]

It's funny you mention that ... I find that to be the prime example of the world's best UI. There's nothing else you need to know about the Claymore itself. Setting the fuses for it requires slightly more information, but if you are the grunt installing it, you need zero additional information to place the mine correctly. That is perfect.

How do you work the three seashells?

[hpulley]

How do you work the three seashells?

Re:Fowler's Modern English Usage

[TrentTheThief]

Hiya,

It is always nice to see something about tech writing. FYI for many: Tech writer's document much more than code. Buy almost anything with a user's guide, and the chances good that it was put together by a tech writer. Of course, some docs are written by developers, engineers, or marketers, but we won't go there.

But all that chest puffing aside, if you can squeeze some money out of your budget or are willing to cough up the $25 or so out of your own pocket, pick up a copy of "Fowler's Modern English Usage."

The average person won't appreciate the subtleties of usage described in Fowler's, but there are some real doozies. Some afternoons when time actually begins to flow backwards, and when my editor's boss's boss is in the office and I can't get away with surfing for a bit, I read my Fowler's for some relief from the misery.

I highly recommend it.

These aren't funny.

[Anonymous Coward]

Where's the damn SCO stories?!

On a related note...

[graboy]

Here is a link to a list of some product warning sites:

Dumb.Com - Product Warnings

Sign, Interstate 10, Near Phoenix, AZ
"State Prison: Do Not Stop for Hitchhikers"

On a Rowenta iron:
"Warning! Never iron clothes on the body!"

On a blanket from Taiwan -
"NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO."

Re:On a related note...

[martyn s]

The warning "State Prison: Do Not Stop for Hitchhikers" isn't even that dumb. It's quite funny, but it's a great warning.

man page puns

[Anonymous Coward]

This fishy pun was in the old BSD man page for the tunefs utilty & made it hpux, sunos, & a few other unices...

TUNEFS(8) MAINTENANCE COMMANDS TUNEFS(8) ....
You can tune a file system, but you can't tune a fish.

AUTHOR
tunefs was developed by the University of California, Berkeley.

Apparently Sun had a fit of corporate sensibility and removed this "bug" from sunos 4.0 (they figured puns don't translate too well), but it reappeared again in 4.1.1 with this comment in the man page source: .\"Take this out and a Unix Demon will dog your steps from now until the time_t's wrap around.

Ouch!

[Grue_Food]

I actually saw a warning for a General Electric clothes iron that warned "Remove Clothes Before Ironing"

So much for that freshly cooked meat scent I love.

SKS Manual

[Muad'Dave]

The poorly-translated manual for my Chinese SKS rifle says, "Do not let your SKS become tainted with defilement or sunburnt." I see "tainted with defilement" and think some sort of metaphysical pollution of the soul, not just dirty.

The Elements of Style

[rmckeethen]

I picked up this book yesterday for a writing class at SFSU and I agree, it's a gem. My favorite quote (so far):

Flammable - An oddity, chiefly useful in saving lives. The common word meaning "combustible" is inflammable. But some people are thrown off by the in- and think inflammable means "not combustible." For this reason, trucks carrying gasoline or explosives are now marked FLAMMABLE. Unless you are operating such a truck and hence are concerned with the safety of children and illiterates, use inflammable.

Priceless!

Re:The Elements of Style

[joeytsai]

"Inflammable means flammable? What a country!"

Re:The Elements of Style

[Anonymous Coward]

According to Dictionary.com:
flammable n.
Usage Note: Historically, flammable and inflammable mean the same thing. However, the presence of the prefix in- has misled many people into assuming that inflammable means "not flammable" or "noncombustible." The prefix -in in inflammable is not, however, the Latin negative prefix -in, which is related to the English -un and appears in such words as indecent and inglorious. Rather, this -in is an intensive prefix derived from the Latin preposition in. This prefix also appears in the word enflame. But many people are not aware of this derivation, and for clarity's sake it is advisable to use only flammable to give warnings.
From The American Heritage(R) Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition

So the "illiterates" bit from Elements of Style might be a bit harsh...

Re:The Elements of Style

[bobbozzo]

Courtesy of fortune:

If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation, does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats. The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things straight.
-- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"

Re:The Elements of Style

[Jonner]

I know you're quoting Dr. Nick in one of his trademark quips; funny stuff. However, many people may not realize that inflammable is the original word and flammable was only coined because someone was confused about its definition. A word that really means "not inflammable" is "noncombustible."

Mac and PC

[fsbilly]

The Mac in the camera instructions looks just like my 9500/180MP. That's hilarious.

Erotic Response

[Halo-]

My father teaches technical writing, so I have developed a love for these things. Sadly, I don't have links, but my favorites are:

"Warning: Weak Batteries May Cause Errotic Response"
(a little sticker from the bottom of a neighborhood child's RC car. My dad has this one mounted in his office)

And my personal favorite:
the graphic of an idiot tipping a soda machine onto his head, complete with lightning bolts indicating pain. And the caption "Warning: Do not rock or tip machine, injury or death may result".

I realize there were a few geniuses killed trying to steal a soda. (One of them was in college, his parents are suing...) I'd like to think Darwin had ridden us of lower primates without the mastery of "Heavy rock fall on head == not good".

Of course, I also have a sticker on one of my boxes which reads: "Notice: All money is removed from this machine daily". I like the sentiment, and since the soda machine in my office it was affixed to is set up to dispense for free, I figured it wasn't really needed.

Wow!

[flaquito]

Slow newsday at Slashdot.

Disclaimer...

[ShadowBlasko]

Well, after that whole lighbulb thing, my Karma is apparently enjoying the beating it has been taking this week, so .. what the hell.

Here is the disclaimer from my website.

My apologies for a lack of formatting, but I am home at lunch, and must get back to work in 10 minutes.

This page may or may not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my cat; don't quote me on that; don't quote me on anything; all rights reserved; you may distribute this message freely but you may not make a profit from it; terms are subject to change without notice; illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail; any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental; do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law; hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat; do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle; your mileage may vary; no substitutions allowed; for a limited time only; this message is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted; caveat emptor; This page is provided "as is" without any warranties; reader assumes full responsibility; an equal opportunity website; no shoes, no shirt, no problem; quantities are limited while supplies last; if any defects are discovered, do not attempt to read them yourself, but return to an authorized service center; read at your own risk; parental advisory - explicit lyrics; text may contain explicit materials some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised; keep away from sunlight; keep away from pets and small children; limit one-per-family please; no money down; no purchase necessary; you need not be present to win; some assembly required; batteries not included; instructions are included; action figures sold separately; no preservatives added; slippery when wet; safety goggles may be required during use; sealed for your protection, do not read if safety seal is broken; call before you dig; not liable for damages arising from use or misuse; for external use only; if rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue reading; read only with proper ventilation; avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place; keep away from open flames; avoid contact with eyes and skin and avoid inhaling fumes; do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit; do not place near a flammable or magnetic source; smoking this webpage, or a printout of, could be hazardous to your health; the best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a condom; no salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring added; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, and if symptoms persist, consult a physician; html is ribbed for your pleasure; possible penalties for early withdrawal; offer valid only at participating sites; slightly higher west of the Rockies; allow four to six weeks for delivery; must be 18 to read; disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes and other Acts of God/Goddess/Cthulhu/Pikachu/Pikathulhu etc, neglect, damage from improper reading, incorrect line voltage, improper or unauthorized reading, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BB's, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, stones, etc.); other restrictions may apply.

Paul Simon's lyrics explained at last!

[Radical Moderate]

The Kickers sign(exhibit 4)clears up something that's puzzled me for almost 20 years. On the Graceland CD, there's a song about "diamonds on the soles of her shoes". Guess that sounds better than "she wore Kickers".

Re:Technical writers ARE funny

[Anonymous Coward]

Nope. I'm a technical writer, and I'm really quite boring.

e2fsck

[Anonymous Coward]

# df |grep home /dev/hda7 37658144 27933100 7812112 79% /home
# umount /home
# e2fsck -fy /dev/hda7
e2fsck 1.27 (8-Mar-2002)
Pass 1: Checking inodes, blocks, and sizes
Pass 2: Checking directory structure
Pass 3: Checking directory connectivity
Pass 4: Checking reference counts
WARNING: PROGRAMMING BUG IN E2FSCK!
OR SOME BONEHEAD (YOU) IS CHECKING A MOUNTED (LIVE) FILESYSTEM.
inode_link_info[1261677] is 1, inode.i_links_count is 2. They should be the same!
Inode 1261677 ref count is 2, should be 2. Fix? yes

Early Mangas

[scruffyMark]

You're off by a couple hundred years, I'm afraid. Unless you're talking about tech notes for 16th C oxcarts or something...

My favorites....

[FirmWarez]

Hmmm, an old schematic for a piece of classic Japanese music kit that has a device called a "frip frop" on it.

And, geeze I wish I still a copy, from an LCD datasheet -- very typical Japanese/manga type artwork with big eyed childish looking character with his/her tongue sticking out holding a dripping little rectangle:

"Never taste of it".

Of course the datasheet didn't talk too much about what "it" was...

Peanut trivia

[drox]

AFAIK peanuts are the only plant that bears its fruit (i.e. the part where the seeds are) underground. This is quite an accomplishment for the peanut, because in order for pollination to occur, the plant has to flower above the ground. After it's pollinated, the plant grows downward, so that by the time it sets fruit, the seed pods are underground. Weird but true.

Other Bad Designs

[willutah]

Expanding the topic a little, here is a website that has a large selection of bad product designs: http://www.baddesigns.com/

The stock is sold-Your Rant is Old

[Sovern]

I believe the stock was sold At least in Dick (gotta love the name) Cheney's case, the call for a lack of conflict of interest required the VP to divest himself of Oil Company Stock. I own a lot of Petroleum stock, it is profitable, and does not Dot com itself. We will always need oil. With out the energy generated from fossil fuel, there would be no slash dot. And lightwave renders on........

chapstick "aids prevention"

[orcus]

Years ago, before AIDS was all over the news, Chapstick Lip Balm used to say something on their label that began with "Aids prevention...." I believe it continued with "of chapped lips" or something like that, but I'd bet a lawyer saw those two words together and demanded they re-do the label.

Highlight...

[No Such Agency]

having warm water sprayed on my ass was the highlight of my overnight stay.

You must have not met a girl who does the thing with the string of beads.

Hypercard goes bizerk!

[Aetrix]

I took CS 101 with a group of people who OBVIOUSLY knew what they were doing, and just couldn't get into 102 (convienently placed at the same time slot). We mucked it up and had a great time learning HYPERCARD instead of C++.

So one of the first things we did after completing the first months' assignments in about an hour, was to code a detailed error logging and processing routine in hypercard. Basically it tracked and tallied the types of errors that the user was making, and became increasingly derogatory as the counts increased. We spent about two hours populating error messages like, "Hey, that's a mouse. You move it around on the table and it moves the little arrow on the screen." and "I really don't believe that you did that AGAIN!"

After incorporating it into the first projects, we acutally had other people volunteer to playtest our stacks, just so they could read the new error messages we incorporated.

Funeral Parlour

[Anonymous Coward]

I saw a sign on the side of a funeral parlour that said
"All deliveries please use back entrance"

Comment removed

[account_deleted]

Comment removed based on user account deletion

Camel Book

[sbszine]

In a similar vein, Larry Wall's explanations of Perl warnings in the Camel Book are pretty amusing. Check out these gems:

• illegal modulus zero
  You tried to divide a number by 0 to get the remainder. Most numbers don't take to this kindly.
• gethostent not implemented
  Your C library apparently doesn't implement gethostent(3), probably because if it did, it'd feel morally obligated to return every hostname on the Internet. DNS tends to give machines a sense of grandeur.
• goto must have label
  Unlike next or last, you're not allowed to goto an unspecified destination, the opinions of Elizabethans not withstanding. Go to goto.

Misquote from the PJ's

[rat7307]

I like my coffee like I like my women

Now, who here wants a big-assed coffee????

Re:Misquote from the PJ's

[Anonymous Coward]

Strange co-incidence...

Eddie Murphy quotes in your comment and your sig!!!

Freaky..

Re:MOD PARENT UP, PLEASE

[RedBear]

Ah, someone beat me to it. I was about to say I thought the whole reason for "May contain peanuts" was so that people could avoid those particular products.

I remember this one episode of Freaks & Geeks where the geek had a peanut allergy and some jackass stuck some peanuts in his sandwich at lunch in the cafeteria. He went down within a matter of seconds from (apparently) a violent swelling of the tissues in his airway, and had to be immediately hospitalized, coming close to death because some idiot wanted to be funny.

Of course it was a dramatization, but if this peanut allergy is really anything like that, I'm sure I would want to stay away from anything with even a molecule of peanut matter in it. It's literally a matter of life and death for some folks.

I think the parent post needs to be modded up so more people see the correct reason for that label. The grandparent post had it backwards, it's not the nuts that are dangerous, it's the peanuts.

So when you cook or bake things with peanuts to feed to the public or people that you don't necessarily know, make sure that they know it contains peanuts. I don't know about the rest of you, but accidentally killing someone would tend to make me feel bad.

No, it's really not good at all

[higle]

No, you're right. The site is bad.

The illustrations were hardly what I would call "bizarre". And they weren't excerpts from technical documentation; they were out-of-context pictograms from the instruction manuals/packaging of common mass-produced goods.

Boring and dull.

higle

Re:Hall of Dubya's weirdness !!!

[Anonymous Coward]

I'm a canadian and I and most people I know hate the US and Americans thanks to Dubya. I used to actually think the US was a reasonably good country. I now know that the US is probably one of the biggest international terrorist rogue states and has been for 50 years.

New Scientist

[xixax]

The Feedback column in New Scientist has these every week. My favourite so far was the invoice for a locomotive purchased at auction, something like:

Item: Locomotive Quantity: 1 (approximately)

Xix.

ready.gov parodies

[Anonymous Coward]

If you liked that page, you'd probably like any of the many parodies of ready.gov, such as this one

"Exit quickly or feel the sting of the pimp hand."

Cyrwin-Vega

[BillX]

Documentation of Cerwyn-Vega products tends to be (often intentionally, but sometimes not) quite amusing.

Humor in the same vein...

[jacksonscottsly]

Slashdotters, being the concerned U.S. terror-level-alert-watchers we are, have no doubt studied up already on these informational diagrams from the united states website ready.gov http://www.houstonjusticenotwar.org/articles/terro rist_attack/

I always wondered..

[mattr]

what would happen. Thank God I never succumbed!
Even if you can read Japanese these things can be extremely confusing. Mainly because out of all the different sized buttons, not a single one will actually flush the toilet! I count myself lucky every time I get out of one of these things alive.

One definitely good idea is to heat the seats (in the winter at least).

Tinky-Winky will have his revenge on Seattle

[EEgopher]

Congrats on your first post in 5 months, bro.
Looks like some real Trolls responding to your claim. Also, congrats on your highest mod-up ever! (Three: Interesting Score)
I had so many fives (5's) I had to stop and get out of the Limelight cause I can't pretend the stranger is a long-awaited frie-e-end.

Re:Moderation...

[supersmike]

"Nuns- no sense of humor." -Clancy Brown in Highlander

Indeed

[Jonner]

It must be a pain reading such non-structural HTML with a screen reader. It's all tables.