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It's true! Going on a bender can solve all of your problems.

No, really! I even have a source for it!

"Shadowfax".

  You can thank Phillip Sutcliffe for telling us about it:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/the-threat-of-cyberterrorism,14671/ :)

Yeah, the next thing you know something like this is going to happen. It's just a matter of time, I tell you!

Wind power is worse then this!

It's been done!

http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-etoilet-to-revolutionize-online-shitting,633/

E-Toilet To Revolutionize Online Shitting

Early e-toilets forced users to keep a lot of windows open, so e-dumpers lacked the kind of privacy you want while doing your business," said designer Peter Cheng, a self-described "whiz kid" who has put hundreds of gigaflops through the new e-toilet without once encountering the dreaded, bomb-emblazoned "Shit Failed" message.

"With the new Advent e-toilet, cutting-edge cyberdump technology has finally arrived and is within reach for all Americans," said Scoscia, smiling. "The question is: Do you want to go today?"

News Flash: 93% of Drunk Drivers get Home Just fine:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/report-93-of-drunk-drivers-get-home-just-fine,6250/

Aside from the fact that it's in the onion, this is almost certainly true. It's actually probably higher. There are high-functioning alcoholics who regularly commute while drunk, whose drunk driving likely is the majority of drunk driving.

The problem is that it's so easily for something to go horribly, horribly wrong. A high success percentage doesn't help if the low failure percentage has nasty consequences, like lots of death.

News Flash: 93% of Drunk Drivers get Home Just fine: http://www.theonion.com/articles/report-93-of-drunk-drivers-get-home-just-fine,6250/

Facebook is in routine use by various "authorities " to profile people.

OBtheOnion: http://www.theonion.com/video/cias-facebook-program-dramatically-cut-agencys-cos,19753/

Want to opt out? Well, then I guess you can live in the hinterlands and die young!

Saying "I don't use Facebook" is becoming the new "I don't own a TV".

And don't forget that wind energy is blowing Earth off its orbit.

No it's true, source: http://www.theonion.com/video/cias-facebook-program-dramatically-cut-agencys-cos,19753/

A classic Onion article is when they wrote about an entirely non-fictional event:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/muscleman-put-in-charge-of-worlds-fifthlargest-eco,877/

In other news, Congress accidentally approves arts funding.

Probably closer to reality most of the time.

Note the publication date.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/bush-our-long-national-nightmare-of-peace-and-pros,464/

Hopefully this prediction will happen one day:

Reaganomics Finally Trickles Down To Area Man

I've learned stuff from The Onion. The most memorable tidbit was when they did the Third Amendment Rights Group Celebrates Another Successful Year http://www.theonion.com/articles/third-amendment-rights-group-celebrates-another-su,2296/ which mentions Engblom v. Carey. When I saw that my thought was "wait, is that a real court case?" And it turned out it is - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Engblom_v._Carey . Really, an actual case revolving around your right for the government not to quarter soldiers in your homes. The Onion is awesome. They don't just do satire, they do clever, well-informed satire that is well-researched and includes neat factual details.

Also good is this piece: Mitt Romney Haunted By Past Of Trying To Help Uninsured Sick People which was followed within weeks by an article in the New Yorker about the difficulty of Romney having to explain Massachusetts' universal health care that he signed into law.

They also foretold, that Bush will start a war, and the recession.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/bush-our-long-national-nightmare-of-peace-and-pros,464/

And don't forget about the Sony screwup.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AyVh1_vWYQ

They've put up a couple of fairly good articles (here and here) about this whole Pulitzer thing, too. I suppose we'll need to wait and see how astute those were.

They've put up a couple of fairly good articles (here and here) about this whole Pulitzer thing, too. I suppose we'll need to wait and see how astute those were.

One of their most accurate predictions was surely this one: Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over.

My favorite Onion prognostication was "Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades".

"Area Man Constantly Mentioning He Doesn't Have a Facebook Account"

Not everyone should just skip manual labor and become a "business grad" with a (more watered down) four year college degree. Not everyone has the intellectual capacity to be an engineer or architect. There are tens of millions of Americans with an IQ of less than 100 but will work hard if given an opportunity to make a decent wage, without having to go into $50,000+ in student loans to get a degree that is worthless to them (especially from the more criminal for-profit "universities" that are preying on that, "I HAVE to have a college degree," paranoia that has permeated our society).

There is GREAT value in doing good, hard day's labor. It FEELS good to actually do something, other than click a mouse all day (and significantly raise our mortality rates in the process).

BTW - Speaking of clothing... When's the last time you could buy a good pair of all-leather Nike tennis shoes? When's the last time you could buy 100% cotton socks? When's the last time you could get 100% cotton shirts for your kids at Wal-Mart? And so on... I'd LOVE to have those quality choices back, and yes, I would pay a realistic premium, especially if they were HQ and made in the US...

Maybe we should start up lower-level American manufacturing again, perhaps with a ball?

I'll just leave this here:
http://www.theonion.com/video/new-google-phone-service-whispers-targeted-ads-dir,17470/

You know, I think The Onion needs to update their classic article about the man who doesn't own a TV with a new one about the Area Man who constantly mentions that there is absolutely nothing on iTunes that meets his oh-so-eclectic musical tastes. (As well as the Area Man who constantly mentions that he's not on Facebook and franky doesn't understand what's so interesting about it.)

And who knows, but the headline reminded me of this Onion article

The Onion already did that one. LINK

You forgot the government.

You must not know about this then?

Worse yet, the new in-thing for kids will be to convert their reactors to illegally enrich uranium to sell to rogue nations.

Don't be a dope. Say NO to 'Tope.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/stephen-hawking-builds-robotic-exoskeleton,1629/ It can still be funny

I'm not concerned, I'm this guy.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-man-constantly-mentioning-he-doesnt-own-a-tel,429/

There is an easy solution to this.

Move to the Google opt-out village: http://www.theonion.com/video/google-opt-out-feature-lets-users-protect-privacy,14358/

Somebody's going to post this link. It may as well be me. Even CEO Can't Figure Out How RadioShack Still In Business.

WOW! I don't think I've EVER seen that much truth in a CEO's statements. And he's right on, too. I have wondered what keeps RS going for years. ...

Ummm ... you do know that The Onion is a parody news site, right?

Oh, JEEZUS!

Yes, I know about The Onion; but that's what I get for getting up to pee and deciding to "check out what's on /."!!!

Boy, is my e-face red!

Somebody's going to post this link. It may as well be me. Even CEO Can't Figure Out How RadioShack Still In Business.

WOW! I don't think I've EVER seen that much truth in a CEO's statements. And he's right on, too. I have wondered what keeps RS going for years. ...

Ummm ... you do know that The Onion is a parody news site, right?

Somebody's going to post this link. It may as well be me. Even CEO Can't Figure Out How RadioShack Still In Business.

WOW! I don't think I've EVER seen that much truth in a CEO's statements. And he's right on, too. I have wondered what keeps RS going for years. Pretty much the only thing I go there for is audio adapters (which they continue to have a pretty good selection of; but even that is eroding). Oh, and I really like their concept with AC adapters with the interchangeable tips (would SOMEONE please explain why the world needs 20 sizes of barrel connectors?), although the adapters themselves are a bit overpriced (unless you shop carefully).

But other than that, they're pretty much dead to me. They used to have some fairly nice ribbon tweeters, too; but when I went looking for one to replace the hideous soft-dome tweeters I had to replace on my home stereo speakers when the original Philips domes died (whatever happened to all the MYLAR domes?!?), I found... NOTHING.

Sigh.

Somebody's going to post this link. It may as well be me. Even CEO Can't Figure Out How RadioShack Still In Business.

However, it would result in less money going to the media company

Not if your local public library happens not to carry a particular book, and it was first published in 1923 or later. Then you'd have to buy the book, either in paper or electronically, or do without.

so it's obviously just a weirdo commie terrorist activity which should be stamped out.

More specifically, in modern western culture, dropping all TV and switching to books might make one look like someone who reminds people that he doesn't own a TV.

I see your xkcd and raise you an onion: http://www.theonion.com/articles/mars-rover-beginning-to-hate-mars,2072/

...if your target metric is trendoid self-absorbed hipsters.

No kidding... shortly after I first heard about FourSquare and realised that it *hadn't* actually been made up by The Onion, the first thing I thought was "that's... *very* Nathan Barley".

Pecantically, it's more like a slightly smarter version of Nathan Barley from the early-2000s grew up a bit (without becoming any more likeable) and decided to make some money by exploiting today's early-twentysomething, wannabe narcissistic tossers, i.e. the Nathan Barley: The Next Generations.

Barf.

America's finest news source reports:CIA's 'Facebook' Program Dramatically Cut Agency's Costs .

But more seriously, there are some tenuous public associations at one remove - early Facebook investor Breyer served on the board of the National Venture Capital Association with Gilman Louie from In-Q-Tel, which is the (or at least the least secret) VC arm of the CIA. This is a very weak link but it seems to be the best anybody's been able to find so far. Google has much stronger links with In-Q-Tel, having bought Keyhole from them. (Facebook, the CIA, and You

While the intelligence agencies may not have started Facebook, there is no reasonable doubt that they use it for data mining.

Someone should write an Onion article about states banning/hampering municipal water systems because Coke and Pepsi demand it.

You're close. The product was Brawndo ("It's got what plants crave!"), and it was in a documentary called Idiocracy.

Someone should write an Onion article about states banning/hampering municipal water systems because Coke and Pepsi demand it.

"including such gems as the moon landing. "

Wrong link, it's the politically correct one, this is the real one.

http://store.theonion.com/product/holy-shit-man-walks-on-fucking-moon-1969,158/

They must have finally found the Sword of Bipartisanship?

http://www.theonion.com/articles/cdc-officials-announce-free-ice-cream-for-everyone,17611/

This is fairly relevant.

Eeep! We'll be good -- just please don't send Hillary Clinton!

"Mommy has dirty chest bumps," said a 5-year-old boy quoted in one of the thousands of case studies compiled by the FCC. "She's like the bad lady on TV. I'm afraid Mommy will take off her shirt and scare everyone. I hate Mommy." Girls were traumatized as well, often expressing apprehensions about sexual development. According to Wasserbaum, one 8-year-old girl told her parents that she didn't "want to get evil breasts."

This publication is a welcome voice of reason.