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I couldn't believe it myself:

Microsoft Patents Ones and Zeros

Efforts are underway here.

Didn't The Onion come and talk to you a while back?

Just don't watch TV. I'm not trying to be a pretentious bastard like this guy (Area Man Constantly Mentioning He Doesn't Own A Television), I just want to stand up and say "hey, I did it, and it didn't kill me...in fact, it's rather nice." I got rid of it 3 months back and I don't miss it. I miss it even less when I read stories like this.

Once again, the onion teaches us all a valuable lesson.

I Believe The Robots Are Our Future

Maybe you don't, but a lot of people out there would need it, regardless of whether they use Windows or Linux or anything else. Don't try to tell me that you don't know anyone like this. (In fact, humor aside, I'm fine with the whole thing. Paranoia isn't my thing.)

The Onion:

Apple Employee Fired For Thinking Different CUPERTINO, CA--
Brent Barlow, 27, a software analyst and beta-tester at Apple Computer headquarters in Cupertino, was fired Monday for "thinking a little too different." Full Text

Better yet, the Hammurderer vs. Batman.

Or maybe the Hamburgler vs. the Hammurderer.

...see it as modding down a flamebait.

In related news:

Try this instead.

But at least Speilberg doesn't go overboard on the merchandising. The injection-moulded plastics industry is still trying to unload Jar Jar Binks merchandise, or at least recycle it into something useful. (You can't even sell the stuff on eBay.)

On the brighter side, Lucas cancelled plans for Episodes 7, 8, and 9.

> "I've been trying so hard not to treat women like objects that I've ended up treating objects like women."

Like the tambourine?

Marijuana Linked to Sitting Around and Getting High

I think the original poster was talking about this story where they lifted a story from The Onion reporting that the US congress was demanding a new 5 star capital with better bathrooms and parking...not making a political statement (although both are true)

Unfortunately, the whole affair came to an abrupt end today when some bigger, more popular computers beat up the nerdy chess computers.

It's in a better party town (Vegas)

Sure, it has more than its share of strip shows, but how many burlesque game shows with sword swallowing and fire-eating? Admittedly, Vegas may have plenty. But not next to a beach.

But NYC will always kick's Vegas sorry butt where music is concerned. On the H2K2 weekend, Drowning Pool, The Samples, Gillian Welch, Loud Az F*ck, Bobby Previte's Voodoo Orchestra, Patty Larkin, Hayseed Dixies, Susan McKeown, Etta James, Link Wray, Silkworm, Viento de Agua, Vince Giordano and his Nighthawks, Coco Merenson, and about a thousand other bands will be peforming in venues all across the city. And the Verdi Requiem too. And the next week is the near-perfect Siren Music Festival next to the 75-year-old (yesterday!) Cyclone.

And H2K2 is concurrent with the Big Apple Convention comic book show.

And NYC is funnier; it's home to The Onion and Upright Citizens Brigade, for just two bleeding-edge examples. They're both Midwest transplants, but that's the whole point of NYC. This is where you make it.

True, gambling and dancing are mostly illegal in NYC. But not entirely.

--Adam Brate

Here's another story I'm sure you'll believe.

To assert that because Microsoft advertises on slashdot they control it is assanine at best. Anyone who reads this site on a regular basis will consistantly see stories biased against Microsoft. If Microsoft wants to waste their money funding a site that spreads negative information about them, more power to them. I'm confident that Microsoft has no control over slashdot or we wouldn't see so many negative stories about them.

I wanna know who's winning the cola wars!

>The increased popularity of DVDs over VHS is bound to improve Linux mindshare and marketshare.

Yes, and Spiderman is an allegory for our post-911 globalism. Quit trying to Katz-connect everything. Who the hell watches movies on computers?

i can see your point — if the sexiest geek alive contest is not the best place to look for sexy geek girls, then i really don't know what is. yes, it's cute that this look of 2001 sexiest geek was inspired by this sandra bullock's look, but was it the most sexy clothing on the contest? i mean, it's a contest for the sexiest geek, right? so it's supposed to show some sexy bikini or lingerie, right? do i not get something here? that's not that i don't like her, the photo from the article could be better (in fact, i was wondering if it's not one of those onion kind of articles when i saw it — you know, like the linux developer gets laid), but i guess she looks kinda cool here and here (a little makeup and she could be quite sexy i guess) — however i'm looking for pictures in somehow more erotic clothes and poses. do you know any place where i could find some?

Maybe they should run this Onion story in an Afghani paper...

It seems like they are right on target for understanding what The Onion does: Fabricate offbeat news to make money. I'm glad they have reached the wisdom and recognition levels my 7-year-old niece possesses.

We'll know if they've really figured out that The Onion is NOT a news source if they stop accusing Bill Gates of poisoning the water supply, although they might get the same impression from certain other web sites. Oh dear, I can see it now: Yu Bin not only quoting Joe Klein from The Onion, but getting his substantiation from /.!

Also, let's consider this. A single bit, on or off, it doesn't matter, is perhaps the most expensive piece of data, now that Microsoft has patented Ones, Zeros.

The recording industry has been being killed off since home recording came out in the 70's. Every. single. year., profits have declined!


Last year was the worst of all, with their profits somewhere down around that of the buggy whip industry.
So don't you come crying this geek lament about home recording not hurting anything.

Kid Rock needs your help! Won't you please help stamp out piracy before more of our talented artists end up starving in the gutter?!!

Satire's finest hour, indeed.

I still think the best of the best was God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule.

That one's good, but I also like this one:

God Re-Floods Middle East

Best Quote:

"The most recent, clearest sign of the Second Deluge came last Thursday, when a tersely worded press statement from God's angelic hosts ominously stated, 'If there are any species native to the area that you would prefer not to see go extinct, we strongly suggest you begin gathering them two by two.'"

and

Death Star Opens Day Care Center

Pure classics. I remember when I first came across them quite some time ago. A couple examples of the few jokes that just don't wear out.

T

Find a story to submit to Slashdot!

However, I couldn't help but think that the stories were basically well-behaved, staying with certain unseen social guidelines. As an example, consider how they handled the religious aspect of the hijackings: neither "God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule" nor "Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell" pulls those gut-wrenching, introspective punches that we expect out of satire. Certainly nothing like their God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy: 'No,' Says God story. Most non-typical is the Hijackers in Hell article: it revels in describing the torments of the hijackers, on and on, as if The Onion's staff were venting their own anger in a gluttony of torture fantasies. Instead of challenging the social consenus here, they re-affirm and encourage it.

The Onion handled September 11th in a reserved, thoughtful way. I was kinda hoping for a more twisted, cynical view on the situation.

Reading news sources eh? Lets just hope it doesn't get a hold of The Onion and pull a Beijing Evening News.

You meen that Microsoft DIDN'T patent ones and zeros?

I need to get out more...

Bush Sr. Apologizes To Son For Funding Bin Laden In '80s MIDLAND, TX-- Former president George Bush issued an apology to his son Monday for advocating the CIA's mid-'80s funding of Osama bin Laden, who at the time was resisting the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. "I'm sorry, son," Bush told President George W. Bush. "We thought it was a good idea at the time because he was part of a group fighting communism in Central Asia. We called them 'freedom fighters' back then. I know it sounds weird. You sort of had to be there." Bush is still deliberating over whether to tell his son about the whole supporting-Saddam Hussein-against-Iran thing.

Within days of election night, The Onion came out with one of its greatest stories ever: Bush Or Gore: 'A New Era Dawns', accurately satirizing just how similar the two candidates were.

The Onion's editor was on Conan and talked about how the London Times quoted the Onion article "DEA Chief: Winners Occasionally use drugs"

- Matt

I'd actually like to see someone take the Onion's kids explanation of why the Sept. terrorist attacks happened seriously.

For anyone who hasn't seen it, the article "Talking To Your Child About the WTC Attack" is online. In fact, their entire "Holy Fucking Shit: America Under Attack" It's the single most brilliant issue of the Onion ever. It captured the fear, the uncertainly, the random lashing out. It reflected America in a way that no other news source had done. It managed to be respectful and sad, yet very funny. It was exactly what America needed.

I'd actually like to see someone take the Onion's kids explanation of why the Sept. terrorist attacks happened seriously.

For anyone who hasn't seen it, the article "Talking To Your Child About the WTC Attack" is online. In fact, their entire "Holy Fucking Shit: America Under Attack" It's the single most brilliant issue of the Onion ever. It captured the fear, the uncertainly, the random lashing out. It reflected America in a way that no other news source had done. It managed to be respectful and sad, yet very funny. It was exactly what America needed.

They probably get their English lessons from Herbert Kornfeld.
http://www.theonion.com/archive/archive_kornfeld.h tml

Item! Hold onto your hats, everyone, because this is the Big One. From one of my better sources, who must obviously remain nameless, I've learned that there is going to be another Star Wars movie! Plot details about Star Wars 4 are extremely sketchy, but from what I understand, Luke and Laura have to find a magic potion that was hidden by Boba Fett, Darth Vader's son-in-law, in order to save their home planet from space drug dealers. It's good to know that Steven Spielberg still has the magic touch. Stay tuned for more info. And may The Force be with you and your loved ones!
Link

Death Star Daycare

Item! Hold onto your hats, everyone, because this is the Big One. From one of my better sources, who must obviously remain nameless, I've learned that there is going to be another Star Wars movie! Plot details about Star Wars 4 are extremely sketchy, but from what I understand, Luke and Laura have to find a magic potion that was hidden by Boba Fett, Darth Vader's son-in-law, in order to save their home planet from space drug dealers. It's good to know that Steven Spielberg still has the magic touch. Stay tuned for more info. And may The Force be with you and your loved ones!
Link

Death Star Daycare

As you read through it, you can just see the raw emotions in every article in that issue - it reminds me every day I look at it what that day was like.

The Holy Fucking Shit edition of The Onion was one of the finest pieces of literature serious or satirical published about the September 11 bombings. Before the HFS edition, I merely thought The Onion was funny. Afterwards, I respected The Onion.

In the middle of all the hysteria, screaming panic, and horror, The Onion *dared* to go in and examine the ridiculousness of not only what had happened but what was happening because of it.

Good work guys!

Unfortunately, the page seems to be gone now, but the onion ran this just a couple of weeks ago:
Factual Error Found on Internet

"The Information Age was dealt a stunning blow Monday, when a factual error was discovered on the Internet. The error was found on TedsUltimateBradyBunch.com, a Brady Bunch fan site that incorrectly listed the show's debut year as 1968, not 1969.

"Caryn Wisniewski, a Pueblo, CO, legal secretary and diehard Brady Bunch fan, came across the mistake while searching for information about the show's first-season cast."

http://www.theonion.com/onion3734/god_clarifies_do nt_kill.html

Not only is it funny, but also deeply insightful, even for an atheist like me.

Or perhaps I do... hard to decide :)

What I do know is that I hope the journalist in question would copy the "How do you know I didn't call to confirm this?" response.

I remember a hilarious letter to Readers Digest, complaining that they shouldn't be giving any publicity to avowed Satanist J.K. Rowling. The woman's source for her numerous quotes? You guessed it. She gave the URL of the story to anyone looking for further information.

The staff of Readers Digest was kind enough to point out the woman's error.

Ask a conspiracy theorist... the onion's version of Ask Slasdot.

Check it out

I said Microsoft are bad. Mod me up. The proof is here.

http://www.theonion.com/onion3820/congress_threate ns.html

Complete with retractable dome diagram.

In case anyone's interested, the Onion article is here! (No goatse.cx links, sorry!)

TOTALLY believable!

I'd actually like to see someone take the Onion's kids explanation of why the Sept. terrorist attacks happened seriously.