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Gadgets for the Lazy
theodp writes "The Pentagon has found the perfect way to demonstrate it's purely the thought that counts - 700 bugle emulators which sit in real bugles and play 'Taps' at military funerals. The Ceremonial Bugle is just one item in Wired's collection of Gadgets for the Lazy."
are diapers with an IP address, so I can log in to them. Not for my kid, for me.
No need to read the article! The entire article is in the summary!
The editor's are getting the idea now!
Didn't read TFA, so I don't know if it mentions this, but the Taps-playing device is not for the lazy, but rather because there is a shortage of actual trumpet players for military funerals. A lot of burials are having to resort to using CD players; at least with these gadgets some of the ceremony is retained.
You mean Gadgets for the Efficient, right? Where's the toilet-mounted one? It would have to be fairly waterproof (I take showers occasionally), and easily disinfected...
That could be the single tackiest thing I've seen in years.
Chopsticks is hard you insensitive clod!
As an unemployed bugle player, I find this disappointing. :)
Seriously though, trumpet is one of the most common instruments taught in High School, and bugles are super easy to play (for a brass player). I'm positive they could find people to do this, they just don't care enough to even look.
I'd rather have a bad bugle player at a funeral of a friend, then some stupid souless gadget..
Apparently you haven't heard the local junior high marching band. At least 85% of the time you'd rather have the CD player, I guarantee it.
...I wonder if they'll get an orchestra to play the theme to the Empirial March or just pop the sound track in the nearest car stereo?
:-\
Tom Caudron
http://tom.digitalelite.com/politics.html
P.S. Attended a military funeral a couple of years ago. They played taps on a tape player. This device is a step UP not down from that experience.
-Tom
"The Pentagon has found the perfect way to demonstrate it's purely the thought that counts - 700 bugle emulators which sit in real bugles and play 'Taps' at military funerals. The Ceremonial Bugle is just one item in Wired's collection of Gadgets for the Lazy."
How about a Gadget that you can insert into singers that plays the national anthem correctly at sports events?
TFA:
It's not clear how else you would dry your shoes, but this smacks of laziness.Personally I think not riding your bike to work because you might get your shoes wet in the rain smacks of laziness but maybe thats just me.
http://michaelsmith.id.au
The Pentagon has literally billions of dollars to spend. For $50000 they could likely hire somebody to practice full-time, and rapidly learn the bugle. When you have thousands of millions of dollars to spend, often without any significant oversight, finding bugle players shouldn't be an issue.
After all, they're sending these men and women off to die. The least they could do is hire a few people to honor the fallen at their funerals.
As a trumpet player, who has played taps many times, I can tell you taps is *not* the easiest thing to play. While you may be able to get a freshman to hack it out, it requires quite a bit of work to actually sound good. You're also playing very exposed- if you make a mistake, you can't cover it up. And lastly, you're usually playing cold- you haven't played a note for the past half-hour or more. My trumpet teacher thinks taps is the *hardest* thing to play on trumpet, not the easiest.
The taps emulator is so much slower that it takes about an hour to finish playing.
From the article: "Due to a shortage of actual bugle players, the Pentagon had already ordered 700 of these to be used at military funerals in 2003." To be used in 2003? Are we a bit late on this story?
You know you're having a bad day in the army when they take away your budgle and hand you a rifle.
Our brass band was only just playing at our Anzac day service, and RIGHT when we were going to play the reef laying music, the audio guy SUDDENLY decided to play the DAMN music! Instead of a REAL band playing that music, he decided to just press the play button, and we stood there in surprise! That was a pretty low moment, because later on, one of our band guys said the day we won't be needed is the day they have like robots playing and doing the street march LOL!
Btw, we have plenty of brass players and trumpeter's/buglers here, so we can play our "Last Post" easily if needed.
http://www.psychopanic.com
Right! They could wake the dead! Waaaait a minute...
I was thinking to myself "how lazy can people be?" when I realized that I was actively using one of the devices in the article:
http://www.theemptyroom.com/ST_14.jpg
: /
Don't forget the danger of getting bored, forgetting where you are and playing the same phrase twice!
Tip: try a smaller mouthpiece for easier lip slurs.
I hate to prove their point, but i find it annoying to have to scroll down under the text to read about the device. I wish there was a gadget to do it for me.
I so read that as Bulge Emulators...
I'm a trumpet player who is graduating a week from today. So I can tell you, if they can't find a real trumpet player, they can't be trying too hard. The studio at my college is about 40 strong, and even most community colleges have studios. I don't think this is a matter of laziness. I'm thinking they just don't want to pay a real musician for the service.
Even my father had a trumpet (and I think a bugle too) he could play, and he was a pianist (no offense to buglers out there). But honestly, traditions (like playing instruments) are being lost and more and more music lovers would rather download MP3s, remix or synthesize everything. I have a music major friend who can hardly play a thing to save his life and have been working towards his love of music for years... http://www.funnytimes.com/archives/files/20060301. htm
Ginga no Rekshiya Mata Each page.
I played trumpet. The bugle is pretty much the same thing, minus the valves. You are thus restricted to a limited set of notes, and must choose your notes by mouth alone.
The restriction isn't anything like "one octave". It's more like "two notes per octave". To get enough notes to make a decent tune out of that, you'll need some extreme range. Building that range can take a long time. Mouth strength doesn't arrive in a matter of days.
There would also be something wrong if the bugle player hadn't gone through basic training. He wouldn't be a real soldier without that gas chamber.
The military may deserve ridicule, but they're be even more ridiculous if they hired trumpet players and expected them to bugle. Bugles don't have the button things on top. I don't know exactly how they make different notes; I can make sound on a bugle, but nothing more than meaningless tooting.
Trumpeters aren't bugle players any more than organists are pianists or floutists are bassoonists, as far as I know.
I used to carry a bottle of whiskey for snake bite. And two snakes. -Nefarious Wheel
Yep.
Also, if "cold" is more than figurative, your lips can freeze to the metal. Well, it would have been out of tune anyway...
Please don't forget how much money the Pentagon has at their disposal. It's virtually unlimited.
For $75,000 they could likely hire at least one sufficiently-qualified bugle player to play at these funerals. Of course, $75,000 is nothing when your budget is tens of billions of dollars. Best of all, nobody would need to be "ordered" or "forced" into playing taps. The financial incentives, if not the honor, would be more than enough.
The Pentagon could have four or five people who travel and play the bugle at military funerals full-time. They have more than enough funds to locate, train, and employ such people. If anything, it's the least they could do for those they have sent off to die in war.
...and maybe a doItForMe() function that predicts what you're going to want to do and does it for you before you even think of it. Oh, right, we have that now. It's called a representative democracy. Maybe it's not such a good idea after all.
Since when does an AIBO dog count as a gadget for the lazy?
Gadget for the stinking rich more like.
Because of the shortage of available buglers, a group was formed to help aid the military in properly honoring our veterans. If you need their services, or wish to volunteer, go to the website.
Damned bugle emulator was playing a pirated mp3 of "Taps".
I scream. You scream. I assume that means we're both acquainted with the problem. We proceed.
Bugling is like playing trumpet without pushing the buttons. Any trumpeter of at least high school level could play "Taps" on a bugle.
I grant that some of the gadgets are for the lazy, but what about the following:
Motor lounger - isn't relaxing the point of going to the pool?
Shoe mops - put on feet, walk, mop or pick up mop, walk, mop. Doesn't seem that lazy to me
Shoe dryer - how else am I supposed to dry my shoes? Blow on them, place them in the dryer/sun, light a fire?
Juiceator - how is using this any less lazy than drinking from the carton?
Electric fly swatterer - You still gotta hit flies with it, this any no Venus Fly Trap.
I have to chime in as this is something near to my heart. In fact, a Navy buddy of mine taught himself to play the Bugle a few years back for exactly this reason. Anyway, I begin my list.
1. To the smart ass that stated that they "can't be looking too hard if they can't find a trumpet player"...it's a bugle, not a trumpet. While I play neither, it is my understanding that a trumpeter cannot simply pick up a bugle and play it (especially well enough to do funeral detail).
2. Funeral details are NOT fun. After a while, it gets a little depressing. It is constant (not on weekends for 5 minutes as someone said). You stand endlessly in either blazing sun or freezing cold. You're in full dress (the most uncomfortable uniform ever designed). If you've never been to a national cemetary, then visit. There are funerals going on all day, every day, never ending. Families are limited to about 15 minutes at the graveside to make room/time for those processions scheduled behind them. Blah blah blah.
3. There is a shortage because the bugle is not a common instrument in band these days. Few people who join the military do so to play an instrument, and fewer still that do want to play funerals. Most do a rotation on funeral honors, but more often than not, the task falls to Reservists and retirees.
It's sad, but at least having someone stand there and hold a bugle while appearing to play it is better (to the grieving families) than having someone hit play on a boom box. Unless there are plans to have compulsory bugle duty and compulsory funeral detail, I think this is about the best solution that can be reached.
"for fucks sake. taps on the bugle is the easiest thing to play. its like chopsticks on the piano. all is lost."
All is lost? I could see that reaction if you were talking about the ice cream cone twirler...
"I like to lick butts!" by MobileTatsu-NJG (#32700246) (Score:5, Informative)
A friend recently refinished his wooden floors. When it came time to put the final polish and wax on, he bought several dozen terrycloth socks in various sizes and invited every one over for a skateing party. If you have spills to clean up, get a dog or a cat.
Chaos maximizes locally around me.
The only difference between a bugle and a trumpet is that a trumpet has valves and a trumpet doesn't! Both instruments require the EXACT same pitching and embouchure required for both! They are eXACTLY the same to play, same pitching and everything! The only notes you can get on the bugle are the SAME open valved notes that are on a trumpet!
How do I know?? I've been playing brass instruments since I was 10 years old - so thats a good 13 years that I've been playing mauahahah!
http://www.psychopanic.com
I am not a trumpet player. I was bugler back in Boy Scouts. I picked up Taps on the first day. I have hardly met a person who couldn't work out how to play taps in under an hour of playing. The problem is a lack of effort. Reveille is the call that requires a range and some skill. Any idiot could learn how to play Taps with a little bit of effort.
That's great, but it ruins the whole funeral when the guy pushes the "Revellie" (morning wake-up) button by mistake.
Have you ever wondered How to Take Over
This information (about mechanical bugles) has been out there for a while, so this is NOT current news.
My father is a WWII vet, and for his birthday two years ago, I (an old brass player) bought a repro 1860 bugle and pledged to play Taps at his funeral. This promise was made specifically in view of the lack of military buglists.
He loved it. And, if I can keep from crying on that inevitable day, and can firm up the embouchour, I'll be proud to lay him to rest.
I like how the list has 19 items and everyone is focusing on a bugle story from 2003. It sounds like some people could benefit from the lazy drinker and then crash with your computer in bed
I think one guy had it right in here -- bugles/trumpets go cold when not played (all instruments do). The temperature difference can kill the quality of sound the player produces, and by the time his instrument warms up properly, he's already done playing. Also note that if it is too hot outside, the instrument can also go out of tune. Moreover, if the mouthpiece is cold and the chops (lips and mouth) aren't prepared, the bugler can literally tear his lips. It's painful, and if he's playing all day, the sound will degrade tremendously no matter what temperature the instrument is. Last point I want to make is that trumpets and bugles, though very similar in what they are, are not the same. Just because bugles lack valves does not make trumpets a multi-note playing equivalent. I played a King valve trombone, and it felt nothing like my Holton Revelation slide trombone. Although it's technically the same instrument, the two are different musically. That's what seperates a bugle from a trumpet (or cornet, even!). True musicians know what I mean.
Sorry, I'm suddenly pissed off.
Gah - well, I might as well mention to an above poster that said they play roughly two notes per octave, that's only true in the lowest octave. If I know what I'm talking about, a bugle is roughly equivalent to a trumpet with the first and third valves held down. Regardless of what valves are down for any combination the lowest octave can play two notes with that key combination (8 total), the next octave plays roughly 4 (I'm thinking of the open combo - you *can* play a high Bb open, it just isn't so pretty) and the higher you go the more notes you can play with a given key combo. It's actually pretty complex because some combos mean you can't accurately hit the note without "lipping" it up or down some. Again, a competent player can do so with little effort.
I have hardly met a person who couldn't work out how to play taps in under an hour of playing.
Agreed. Taps isn't all that hard to play. What is hard, though, is to play Taps *well*. The notes are easy, but smooth, crisp transitions between them and a nice tone require practice. I once attended a military funeral with a bugler who had a nasty, buzzing tone, bobbled note changes and who had a hard time with the high notes. It would have been a better ceremony if they had used a bugling device. The bad redition of Taps was embarassing and distracting. That's okay for evening Taps at camp, but not for a funeral.
Note to ACs: I usually delete AC replies without reading them. If you want to talk to me, log in.
RIAA told to take a ticket behind EFF. EFF and RIAA consider murder suicide pact rather than living in world where they are treated equally.
I scream. You scream. I assume that means we're both acquainted with the problem. We proceed.
Years ago ( 1992-1996 ) I served with The Commandant's Own, United States Marine Drum & Bugle Corps. I'd like to address two things:
Funerals
When we talk about a bugle playing taps we are talking about a "simple funeral" ( a full honors funeral consists of a complete band ) and we are also typically talking about a field music playing taps on a Bb Trumpet because the U.S. Military only has 2 D&B corps left. One is The Commandant's Own in Washington, DC and the other is the U.S. Naval Academy Drum & Bugle Corps. I'm not sure how the USNA D&B works but the USMC D&B has a Duty Music of the Guard and an on-call rotation of upper-voice ( Soprano & Mellophone players ) musicians for funerals. Lower voices ( baritone and contra-bass baritone players ) do not do funerals for what should be an obvious reason. The means there are only several dozen musicans available for funerals and most of them are not available due to other operational committments of the organization. That said, they perform at hundreds of simple funerals per year in the Washington, DC area. The families of the fallen servicemen who receive these last honors are truely the lucky ones. I've witnessed many funerals and they are truely emotiona.
Thoroughout the rest of the nation simple honors funerals are perfomed by musicians from various field bands of the U.S. Military, national guard bands and volunteers from Bugles across America. They do their best to meet the mission but the sad fact is that WWII veterens are dying at a rate of couple thousand per day. Many unfortunatly, do not get proper last honors.
Bugles:
I've seen many posts in this thread with misconceptions of what a bugle is. In the military context the bugles are 2 valved ( pistons ) instruments that are pitched in G. The first valve lowers the pitch by 2 semitones and the 2nd valve lowers the pitch by a semitone. This provides for a full chromatic scale in the instruments middle range. Some notes in the lower registers are missing. Music is written to the treble clef and arranged in SATB format. Typically it's Upper and Lower Lead, 2nd and 3rd Soprano. Upper/Lower Melophones. 1st, 2nd and 3rd Baritones ( 8vb ) and Contrabass Baritone ( 15vb ).
Okay, trumpet/bugle/cornet/etc players. Put your instrument where your mouth is and volunteer.
Bugles Across America needs volunteers.
"I think I just logged onto my inter-net" -Lenny
What I need is a Productivity Emulator.
Clearly nobody at Wired ever skis or winter hikes, because I use shoe dryers in my boots and they're invaluable.
A shortage of buglers or an excess of funerals?
How was the rascal overlooked??? http://www.rascalscooters.com/
Error 2101: all your sig are belong to us
Cut a few lightning rod grounds and a lot more people will be hit by lightning.
Every $3500 saved allows us to stay in Iraq for another second. The decision is obvious.
Wired has a long and annoying history of making kneejerk lists that reflect an ignorance of the world around them, particularly the fact that there are a lot of people with special needs.
In this article they are clearly targeting, as forms of social criticism against people who are lazy:
1. The Motor Lounger: something for genuine lazy tards
2. Ice-cream turner: A gag gift
3. Computer in bed: Something that any geek who has ever been confined to a bed would drool over (but I guess we don't care about invalids).
4. The bird 2.0: Another gag gift (I mean, did someone with no sense of humor write this humorous article about lazy people gadgets)
5. Body dryer: Again, I guess we have never heard of invalids. Because of this article I am going to buy one of these for my grandmother who cannot lift her arm over her head to dry her back or hair (I guess ignorance and narrow minded bigotry does yield some edible fruit).
6. Bugle emulator: Since the whole thread is about this one I'm going to leave it alone
7. Shoe mops: I guess this was a candidate. I'd have put the Chopsticks fan http://www.mindbreakers.com/mb/img/invention7.jpg in its place, but I don't think the writer was trying too hard to find things that are genuinely about saving effort.
8. The Disc Pod: Well, I can't think of a useful purpose for this one
9. Lazy drinker: As a former caterer I can tell you that this would save thousands and thousands of dollars over a year. This is clearly not aimed at the home user.
10. Sushi machine: Same story. This is for people who have to feed lots of people regularly for cheap. Not for yuppies trying to live an urban lifestyle in their kitchen.
11. iPod bed: Yup. This is a gadget for the spoiled and lazy.
12. AIBO dog: I am curious what it says about the editor of the column that he thought the AIBO dog qualified for this article. It's a toy, dumbass.
13. Wireless cooking thermometer: I guess the author likes leaning into a blazing hot oven trying to read a mechanical gadget that's not accurate and only slightly cheaper than this item. I mean why not dispense with tools altogether and just eat it raw. Really, is this seriously supposed to save time somehow? I guess we could all go back to mechanical watches too since digital is just soooo lazy, natch the fact that they are more reliable, last longer, can be read in the dark and cost a fraction of the price.
14. Shoe dryer: Do people get their shoes wet often enough to need this? If they do then, yes, I think it would be genuinely useful. Last tme I got my shoes wet I put them by the radiator and they took three days to dry in winter.
15. Eyeglasses washer: Uh, I don't wear glasses, but I'm guessing that if I ran a shop that sold them that I'd have one of these in the back.
16. Electric fly swatter: Yeah, this is about the dumbest thing I've seen too.
17. Roomba: Well, I think it's neat, but I have to admit it qualifies for the article.
18. Hot dog toaster, okay, it's stupid, but jeez it would be fun to use the first day you have it before it clutters a spot on the top shelf for the next eight years till the kids are old enough to use it themselves. Hell, I used to wrap a dog up in a paper towel and put it in the microwave. Tasted just like the ball park (seats) and it was easier to use than this gadget looks.
19. How exactly is this easier than pouring it from the carton? Have you ever squeezed a whole orange? I think this falls into the dumb category along with the Subway chin rest http://www.mindbreakers.com/mb/img/invention1.jpg, but for the lazy? I don't get it.
Maybe I'm just lacking in a sense of humor, but I think the the guys who put this article together were either slammed up against a deadline or just enjoyed any excuse to be mean. Like th
Happy Birthday is too. Dang it looks hard though.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Natural_horn
I'm going to preface this post by saying that I am active duty USAF currently serving in Iraq. Also I am a member of the Base Honor Guard here at my deployed location, and at my home station.
Most of you have no idea what it means to render Military Funeral Honors. To you, this is joke about the difficulty of playing Taps. To us, this is about expressing our Nation's gratitude to our fallen comrades for their years of faithful service. We take this duty very seriously, and execute it in the most professional manner possible.
The current mantra for the USAF is to do more with less. That is precisely what the bugle emulator allows us to do; render the most professional ceremony we can with the limited resources we have. The families of the deceased are always grateful that we are there, and can see the pride we take in honoring their loved one.
These are my personal opinions, and in no way reflect those of the USAF. If you would like to know the official opinion of the USAF on this subject contact the Public Affairs office at any Air Force Base.
My friend was reading a cigar catalog today. As if that wasn't silly enough, there was an ad inside for a "kinetic watch winder". It is a device "for people who own multiple kinetic watches". You put your spare watches on a little wheel and it spins them for you. Oh the irony.
A few weeks ago, I listened to "Amazing Grace" on bagpipes as an MP3 recorded by the Air Force. Nobody had died. I was just sitting at my computer. I cried.
The music gets to a certain point, maybe 3/4 the way through, then suddenly changes tonal quality. What the heck is that? It's nothing that I, as a brass player, could properly identify. It sure hits hard though.
Playing such a thing at a funeral is so mean and unfair. Next "Amazing Grace" on bagpipes, Taps is just a bedtime song.
Sue people who are already upset and got loaded guns for the last salute. There are some people you sue, and some who you don't. People who can answer the question "you and what army" fall in the last group.
MMO Quests are like orgasms:
You may solo them, I prefer them in a group.
Hnad-washing plastic lenses (which I have a good reason for using) is more delicate work than you might expect, and it has to be done hundreds of times over the lifetime of the glasses. Anything that could keep them clean *and prevent scratches* sounds like a great idea.
Yes, I have an anti-scratch coating. It does help a little.
I have an electric fly squatter at home. A friend of mine always buys crap like on the Wired page, but this squatter is really very handy. Most insects are not immediately killed by it, but they are very easily immobilized so you can kill them at ease and you don't get smudges on the walls.
I wonder when this friend of mine will buy the eyelash washer for his girlfriend.
-- Cheers!
Bugle playing and electronics, I gotta get me some of that !
There are places where the networks are not touching,and there are places where they are-Boeing's Lori Gunter
Heck, that's been done.
Just as the link above points it out, he's talking about gas chambers where greens are taught gas mask operations and get a sneak preview of tear gas (just enough to appreciate their mask, and to learn to don it quickly). These are _not_ WW2 gas chambers.
BTW judging from the linked page, I went through the exact same thing in an East Block country's base military training. Probably with only one difference: the tear gas canister had Cyrillic warnings.
It's a sad day that you "die for your country" for real and they can't even provide a real trumpet player. What next? One of those "your face goes here" cut-out funerals? Perhaps soldiers should send cardboard cut-outs of themselves when they get called up.
Engineering is the art of compromise.
Any idiot could learn how to play Taps with a little bit of effort.
I could teach just about any idiot to play the opening bars of the Moonlight Sonata in an hour or less.
Doesn't mean I'd like to spend much time listening to them afterwards. There's a huge difference between working out the notes and being able to give a proper performance.
That difference consists of many hours of something we call "practice."
KFG
Yes, it is the thought that counts, and your spouse is no less sincere for using the gas and/or electrical kitchen appliances (with timers and thermal sensors, no less!) instead of the open wood-burning fire to cook a dinner for you.
In Soviet Washington the swamp drains you.
Double that. I was in the army in the early 80's. The band on base (Fort Ord, CA) could not afford to spare their trumpet players for funerals because they needed them for other ceremonies (with a full band) so they got OJT's (On Job Training, soldiers "borrowed" from other units) to play taps. I was one of them. Let me tell you, when you're at a high-profile funeral, with generals and other high-ranking officers present, the pressure to play taps WELL is high. Also, since you have to stand at attention for the ceremony, you can't stay "warmed up" like you need to, so you're essentially playing "cold". I flubbed a note once in a while, and I've played trumet since 5th grade.
As many others have pointed out, we use these (we have three of them)not because of laziness, but because no one has the skill set required to play the bugle -well-. The actual device is a small player that fits exactly inside the bell of a real bugle, so it resonates and has a far nicer tone than a tape recorder, plus looks much better. We have had numerous compliments on our "bugle player", and even those that could tell the difference feel that it is much better than a tape recorder.
I only attended one funeral where the bugle was specifically -not- requested... it was for a WWII Merchant Marine vet who was a member of a jazz band, and his buddies not only plyed taps, but did little improvisational riffs throughout hte service.
While you were talking about people not caring about the elderly...what about the elderly who can no longer vacuum? ...
While you were talking about people not caring about the elderly...what about the elderly who can no longer vacuum? ...
That's just cruel! You want to give a robot to the elderly? Robots are already everywhere, and they eat old people's medicine for fuel. And when they grab you with those metal claws, you can't break free, because they're made of metal and robots are strong.
Ok, in the above you can find a few justified quibbles, but, ummmmmmm, I knew that.
KFG
Having been in the Marines, I had the oppurtunity to play the auto-bugle at the funerals of several veterans. It actually put me in quite an awkward situation on several occassions. It's actually quite comical. There I am, someone with zero musical ability, standing in front of an entire funeral, cheeks bulging in and out, pretending to play the bugle. After my "performance" I had several people come up to me (including the teary-eyed widow of the deceased) telling me that I was the best bugle player they ever heard and that my rendition of Taps was the most heartfelt and sincere they had ever witnessed. I didn't have the heart to tell them that it was all just a show, but based on the audience's reaction I should have been awarded an Oscar and a Grammy!
Microsoft should hire me. I can write code that doesn't work faster than the guys they have doing it now.
Which Corps?
I thought MN Brass was marching B-flat horns. Govies are still marching G, not sure about Chops.
My wife is currently marching with Govies, and used to march with MN Brass and Spirit of Atlanta...
I march Pioneer, we're the only Div 1 corps still playing G bugles. It's kind of sad, since they have a much richer sound than those damn B flats. Much heavier though, playing a G euph sucks a lot.