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The only reviews I trust: http://www.mrcranky.com/

His review of The Tigger Movie is pure gold!

The only reviews I trust: http://www.mrcranky.com/

His review of The Tigger Movie is pure gold!

I thing someone needs to undertake a study of this.

They did.

A more...professional...take on it.

I always thought that the Pentagon was part of a larger conspiracy involving the number 19, a mere glimmer of which is described by Minister Farrakhan at http://www.mrcranky.com/movies/eightandonehalfwome n/62/10.html. I refer to the Pentagonment Conspiracy, of course, as you must read it as pent-agon-ment, or a five-part plan for action).

"Altamont Pass wind turbines are causing extremely high levels of bird mortality along a major raptor migration route and are likely depleting eagle, hawk, and owl populations not only locally but throughout the western U. S.," said Jeff Miller, spokesperson for CBD. "We absolutely support wind power, but it is past time for the primary turbine owners, FPL Energy and NEG Micon, to address this problem."

Sounds like you'd appreciate the Mr Cranky review, which starts out "I hate penguins. I just fucking hate them.":

http://www.mrcranky.com/movies/marchofthepenguins. html

Mr Cranky says:
"Here's proof that Lucas may be one of the most successful bad writers in history.
Ask yourself: What was the most memorable line in the entire "Star Wars" series?
If you can even think of one, good for you, but if you think hard, the answer is obvious
(and it wasn't Jake Lloyd's "Yippee!" from Episode I).
It occurs in "The Empire Strikes Back."
Han Solo is about to be frozen and shipped to Jabba the Hutt as Princess Leia looks on in horror.
"I love you," she tells him.
Han looks at her and responds: "I know."
Well, that line was improvised by Harrison Ford.
Lucas didn't write it.
If Lucas had insisted on it being performed as written, it would have been something like:
"I love you too, my darling. I'm getting frozen now!""
http://www.mrcranky.com/movies/starwarsepisode3rev engeofthesith.html

Recall the Air Pirates?

"`Look, my lawyers did some research and they found out that the copyrights on the earliest thirties Disney comic strip characters are in public domain. They copyrights have expired. If we use these characters and we don't use any names they may try and take us to court. They may do some kind of thing in the papers, but they won't have a leg to stand on and nobody will get hurt.'"

The more things change the more they remain the same.

After reading this, Mr. Cranky's review of Minority Report stands out in my mind. "After the balls roll out of the ramp, Anderton stands in front of a huge screen with his hands up in the air and attempts to masturbate imaginary pigeons. (Okay, I get what he's doing, but the idea that operating a computer 52 years from now will be something akin to air Kung Fu seems excessively stupid.)" ^^^^^ What he said.

I beg to differ. When I was 14, I spilled coffee straight from a home-use (UL Listed) Mr. Coffee coffee machine... and got 2nd degree burns, blisters, and much pain. So you're entirely wrong when asserting that 'typical coffee' won't cause serious burns. I'd say that a Mr. Coffee coffee pot constitutes the De Facto typical cup of coffee, wouldn't you?

I wouldn't call Mr. Coffee de facto coffee. I'd call it horrible burnt coffee my self. But I'm willing to believe you got 2nd degree burns from an entire pot of Mr. Coffee. Your Mr. Coffee pot is very large and as a result would expose your skin to a hotter temp longer than a 12/16oz mug of coffee. But you didn't require 7 days in the hospital, skin grafts, or anything along those lines. In other words, the skin did not melt off your body.

Now, I could have (in theory) sued over the temperature controls, but I was raised to have a healthy respect for personal responsibility, and I understand that accidents happen.

This is reasonable, I agree. You spilt a pot of coffee on your self and got a 2nd degree burn. This was a pot, and this was hot liquid. But the skin did not melt off your body.

How many other people got 3rd degree burns from McDonald's coffee? Was there a trend? If it was an isolated incident, you would be damn hard pressed to prove negligence

Stella Lieback didn't seem to have a problem proving negligence. I'm not aware of how many other people got 3rd degree burns. But read here.

The skin melted off her body in less than 3 seconds because McDonalds served their coffee at 200+ degrees. McDonalds was perfectly aware of the problem but refused to address the issue. I am personaly unaware of anyone else who had their skin melted off because of McDonalds coffee. But considering 200+ degrees, i'd wager it was a trend.

First degree burns, normal. Second degree burns, perhaps. Third degree burns, negligence.

This Mr. Cranky review of Battlefield Earth pretty much sums it up as well: "Battlefield Earth is one of the worst films ever made. It's just that simple."

Love live Cranky.

Just like in the Robin Williams movie!

He didn't have a beard though, so it isn't one of the good ones. Strangely enough, this is the only Robin Willams movie I own.

Damn You Pirard! [from alt.stupidity, years ago]

That's what it reminded me of, anyway.

An underrated, extremely stupid internet classic.

An initial lack of customer interest if not outright failure. This should be immediately followed by loud public statements blaming the lack of interest on air piracy (hacking the signal see also here), the Internet, and El Nino, at which point they will look to begin lawsuits, sell the technology to someone else, or change the law to compel each and every one of us to buy the damn things.

Perhaps they'll even sue all satellite dish manufacturers and radio makers under the DMCA!

Am I the only one here to think that maybe they're actually doing this for the very reasons they quote - i.e. they're scared to death at the idea of being associated with all these net-paedophiles stuff ?

Clueless journalists are just as dangerous for MS as they are for others (note: I'm talking from the UK, homeland of such some monuments of fair, objective et reliable reporting as The Sun). They've seen those stories about paedophiles "hunting" over the internet, and they know how 'sensitive' the public is about anything related to paedophilia (Britain is also the place were angry mobs assaulted a doctor's house because they confused the word 'Paediatrician' with 'Paedophile').

This may be a much more compelling reason than locking out a few thousands 3rd party clients.

Thomas Miconi-

There's Mr. Cranky!

Sample:

"Dear Ms. Lansing,

I just witnessed the recent cinematic effort of your studio titled "Lara Croft Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life" and would like to convey my reaction to this film with the following missive: I have never come closer to tearing my own penis off and throwing it at the screen while watching a movie."

For real fun, go into the archives and browse by bomb level. The nukes are great!

"It seems to me that given Lara's inability to follow simple logic, you'd be better off giving Lara something simple to do in "Lara Croft 3," like baking a pie"

Mr. Cranky disagrees with why the movie is doing so badly.

Mr. Cranky disagrees with why the movie is doing so badly.

Remember an economy that was working?

The one that Clinton nuked and then handed off to Bush as he left office?

You mean I just imagined the National Debt Clock being taken down in 2000 because it started running the wrong way? The clock was put up to dramatize government spending, so it started sending mixed messages in 2000.

Of course, it was actually a reduction in spending, with only intermitent surpluses. I'm sure Bush II has done an excellent job cutting the sur^Wdebt.

I've found Mr. Cranky's reviews pretty funny, although I have to say he tends to refer to preferring things protruding through his scrotum/arsehole to sitting through the movie again more times than any man should ever admit.

I am a big fan of Zardoz, though it is a product of its time and has loads of detractors. It is an extropian cautionary tale about what happens if you get more life but don't really evolve yourselves. As for Buckaroo Banzaii. I can't get enough of it and wish the sequel and TV series had gone somewhere. The writer of the best-candiate spec. script for the sequel in recent years has this to say about Buckaroo Banzaii (at 1:10, and a few other geeky films).

I was remembering how TV censors changed "Son of a bitch" (which isnt that bad to begin with) to "Slug in a ditch"... I couldn't remember where it was from, Google helped though. Turns out I'm not the only one that thinks this edit is hillarious.

I'm looking forward to the next movie, "Harry Potter and the Mystery of the Training Bra".

Yes, shamelessly ripped from Mr. Cranky.

But that didn't stop it somehow being rated Top 250 by imdb (#91 when I looked).

What is up with that? Even Mr Cranky didn't entirely hate it.

Bad Idea for the Morning: Hey! I should do a review site and post how much this movie sucked. Or maybe I should just get another Oola-flavoured-beverage and shut the fskc up. Yeah. The second one.

The Powerpuff Girls movie

I don't know how many seriously disturbing things one guy can pack into a single, animated kids' film, but director Craig McCracken does his best to push the envelope. One wonders if Craig is like Buffalo Bill in "Silence of the Lambs," with a basement full of children last seen on the sides of milk cartons, and he's used his three favorite captives as the models for the Powerpuff Girls. I'm sure many a critic branded this "delightful family fare," but I have a better quote for the movie poster: This movie and its entire strange universe is severely fucked in the head.

There's something wrong with a cartoon about a single, lonely man who creates three young girls in a laboratory and imbues them with superpowers. Those three girls are Blossum, Bubbles, and Buttercup, and their main function in "The Powerpuff Girls Movie" seems to be destroying public property.

In my estimation, this appears to be the first really frightening right-wing reactionary cartoon. I saw two black guys depicted in this film; one was a cop who was abusive and looked a whole lot like Al Sharpton. The other was a television reporter who had the features of a chimp. Now, I'm not saying there are any finely drawn white characters in the Powerpuff Girls' universe, but portraying a black guy as a chimp is something that hasn't happened in grownup movies for some time.

When the girls get lost after the Professor is arrested for creating them, they look for a cardboard box to sleep in. What they find are a bunch of criminals who try to do bad things to them. Fortunately for the Powerpuff Girls, the evil homeless people are beaten back by the more evil Mojo Jojo, a monkey with a large, exposed brain and a Japanese accent. Again with the monkeys. Now, I hate to bring up the past here, but depicting the Japanese as monkeys was a favorite pastime of the American World War II propaganda machine so that we wouldn't feel too bad about killing them.

And since when do we name a villain in a children's cartoon "Mojo"? Wasn't that a euphemism for Jim Morrison's erect monkey when he sang about "Mr. Mojo rising"? I'm all for empowering young women through strong images in popular culture, but having them eradicate the world's minorities and poor people sounds like a Nazi plot. This is more like the Aryanpuff Girls.

Ohh, bad pun, sorry.

But really, I think the way to think about P2P downloading is to use non-interactive search agents. These guys are on the right path, the random walkers appear to be a bit brighter than an exponentially widening search.

The problem with current p2p networks is that the database is constantly churning. It's not like the web, where data is relatively stable. Two identical searches performed within minutes of each other will return different results. The problem, of course, is that polling the network with these huge searches inflicts a massive bandwidth cost.

A better system would be to have a search agent. You would enter a set of search criteria (with a richer syntax than the existing model), and every 30 seconds or so the software would fire off an agent. The agent does a random walk, then downloads anything that matches. You then go on about your business. When the agents have collected a sufficient number of results. it alerts you.

This lacks the immediate satisfaction of searching and getting results right now, but when you're looking for obscure stuff, you don't get that satisfaction anyway.

Also note that the autonomous downloading assumes you're looking for something reasonably small, like an mp3, and not Girls Gone Wild.

Of course, it also has the advantage that if gives an incentive for hosts to remain connected longer, adding to the stability of the entire system.

Alaskian (sic) Temps up, Canadians remarking about how hot it is

With due respect, even the staunchest advocates of belief in global warming admit that if it is occurring it is currently lost in the noise of current climate patterns. So none of the things you cite are relevant to the debate, and you only hurt your argument by citing them.

Don't forget that only two decades ago, the very same scientists now telling us about global warming were telling us about the terrible scourge of global cooling...

It's hard not to ignore the fact that Exxon-Mobile and the other oil companies are the ones who are REALLY in charge.

Yeah, that sneaky, sneaky Bush. He's not willing to throw away the US economy in pursuit of an ineffective `fix' to a problem which hasn't been convincingly shown to exist? Gee, he must be working for the oil companies.

Whatever...

Mr Cranky gives honest and accurate reviews.

The state's aithority essentially derives from its responsibilty to protect its citizens safety and manage the utilization of what is, in all honesty, a lethal weapon that poses a serious danger to the majority.

I also like Mr. Cranky Lots of ads and pop-ups on the main page, but the reviews are dark and full of bile.

mrcranky gives better reviews than Jon Katz.

To wit:

Director Steve Oedekerk bought the rights to a little-known 1976 martial arts film called "Savage Killers" and has since spent his time splicing himself into the footage, reworking it, and dubbing in new dialogue to create a film that serves no purpose other than to remind us that "Saturday Night Live" isn't the only place where skits run too long.
Then again, this is the guy who also spent a lot of his time making little thumb people by putting his eyes and mouth digitally onto thumbs and creating movies like "Thumb Wars: The Phantom Cuticle," "Thumbtanic," and "The Blair Thumb." It's pretty safe to say that one thumb movie is enough, but Oedekerk doesn't think so and apparently will keep making them until somebody does something unpleasant with his thumbs.

In "Kung Pow: Enter the Fist," Oedekerk is "The Chosen One," a martial artist out to avenge his family's murder. The movie is filled with bad dialogue and low-rent computer effects. There's a fight between "The Chosen One" and a cow. There's a woman with one huge breast. The "love interest" whines like a gopher getting a cold thermometer shoved up its ass.

The film's relatively high amusement factor lasts about 15 minutes, after which any normal person starts wondering whether or not Oedekerk realizes that a 90-minute movie needs more material than he's got. Ironically, the most fun I had in the movie was watching the confused old people walk out after about five minutes, when they realized what they had gotten themselves into. It was kind of like watching nuns walking out of a porn film, not that I'd ever advocate slipping a reel of "Forrest Hump" into the training tapes over at the convent or anything.

Amongst all all the other faults Katz has (*coughCommie64splayingmoviesinKabulcough*), his movie reviews tend to be nothing if he can't bring out one of his dead horses (Columbine, geek prejudice, globalism) to beat. And even then, it has no actual bearing on the movie review.

And why is this even being reviewed here? Jesus, if Katz can't make at least a tenuous connection with some of his tropes, how does this fit "News For Nerds, Stuff That Matters"?

And, granted that this was likely a horribly bad movie from everything I've seen on it and heard from others, Katz is still supposedly getting paid for this "work," so he can at least put some effort into it. I mean, hell, Mr. Cranky devoted more words to his review.

d00d, you screwed your link try this...

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http:\\www.mrcranky.com

Tomb Raider is no where near close to the worst movie of all time. Remember Battlefield Earth? I think this review sums up how movies can still be made by poor directors. They just have to tell the companies at least I didn't direct Battlefield Earth. (Yes, that is an almost quote from the review.)

...a review Mr. Cranky wrote of Almost Heroes.

"Almost Heroes" is such an abomination that one actually wishes Chris Farley had kicked off long before he got anywhere near this script. The filmmakers would have been kinder to Farley's memory by taking a collective piss on his rotting corpse."

Let's hope that the new Adams book is a better experience. Don't most authors include something in their wills about not publishing unfinished materials?

...a review Mr. Cranky wrote of Almost Heroes.

"Almost Heroes" is such an abomination that one actually wishes Chris Farley had kicked off long before he got anywhere near this script. The filmmakers would have been kinder to Farley's memory by taking a collective piss on his rotting corpse."

Let's hope that the new Adams book is a better experience. Don't most authors include something in their wills about not publishing unfinished materials?

Yet another crippling bombshell hit the beleaguered /. Troll cummunity when last month Slashdot surveys confirmed that trolling accounts for less than a fraction of 1 percent of all posts. Coming on the heels of the latest Netcraft survey which plainly states that /. Trolling has lost more market share, this news serves to reinforce what we've known all along. /. Trolling is collapsing in complete disarray, as further exemplified by failing dead last in the recent Slashdot comprehension test.

You don't need to be a fucking idiot to predict /. Troll's future. The handwriting is on the wall: /. Trolls face a bleak future. In fact there won't be any future at all for /. Trolls because /. Trolls are dying. Things are looking very bad for /. Trolls. As many of us are already aware, /. Trolls continue to lose post ratings. lost electrons flow like a river of blood. Jon Katz is the most endangered of them all.

All major surveys show that /. Trolling has steadily declined. /. Trolling is very sick and its long term survival prospects are very dim. If /. Trolling is to survive at all, it will be among fucking morons. /. Trolls continue to decay. Nothing short of a miracle could save them at this point. For all practical purposes, /. Trolling is dead.

/. Trolling is dying

I'm so tired of hearing the McDonald's hot coffee myth. The woman was burned very badly, because McDonald's refused to lower the temperature of their coffee even after several concerned groups asked them too. Many other people had been burned. Also, scalded would be a tad bit of an understatement. Having your skin burned off isn't exactly something you expect from coffee at normal temperature.

If you want to read a real review of this movie (i.e. one from a reviewer who isn't certified mentally retarded like, say, Jon Katz), just say
mrcranky!

-nukebuddy

When I first heard the title would be "Attack of the Clones" ... I thought to myself ... hmmmm ... I guess Plan 9 from OuterSpace and BattleField Earth were already taken.

Well, let's hope that the new Star Wars doesn't suck as bad as it's name suggests.

Jon Katz is becoming Mister Cranky.

Mr Cranky. Another film review site.

Funny, bitchy, and beating on Barney.

--

Mr. Cranky has the most insightful review.

If you're looking for someone to savage Tomb Raider I'm sure mr cranky can help ya out.

The Filthy Critic is a lame bite-off of Mr. Cranky. Oh well, they do say imitation is the greatest form of flattery.

From his review of antitrust

Let's face it: The possibility of a couple of repressed computer geeks blowing a load after hearing a germane computer term is substantial. To a hardcore geek, "Open" and "Source" are like the nipples on the breasts of Jennifer Love Hewitt

the Filthy Critic is just a lame bite-off of Mr. Cranky, who is, by the way, a LOT funnier (just read his review of Battlefield Earth).