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Oh, I guess since it was over 100 years ago, no one cares anymore.

Heh, with the attention span of people today, no one cares what happened a month ago...

Not only in 2000, but also in 2004: http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30349.

Mars Rover Beginning to Hate Mars.

Great post!

Very few people can really do subtle humorous satire. I really enjoyed this. One hallmark of really good satire (a la Onion) is that when you start reading it you think that the author is serious. As you continue you realize that it's satire.

I'm not going to compare you to this man any more than I just did. I went without television for most of my time in the military, and I didn't miss it. That said, I also missed out on a lot of what was going on in the world, and while I could get that insight from a newspaper, I now appreciate being able to see and hear what happened for myself, and the ability to get differing viewpoints with the press of a button. Just like the internet, it can be difficult to appreciate the undertones of what's being said, especially when people are being quoted. So I keep my cable for CNN (more specifically CNNi) and MSNBC, and the occasional times I put Nickelodeon or Cartoon Network on for the kids instead of the 5 millionth viewing of Nemo (although the abundant commercials frequently and quickly make me regret those occasions).

Yes, it's possible to obtain, and even watch, news online, but there's something to be said for sitting in something other than an office chair. That, and my bandwidth is typically saturated by other functions anyway.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29023

"Evil Genius Gates Drops Windows 98 Into NYC Water Supply"

Man do I love The Onion. SFW.

And I was almost sure it would be the hat.

...set of lies and twisted "truths" from this nutjob, who wouldnt know the actual truth if it came up and bit him.

I kind of liked The Onion's take on it:

Half Of Nation Outraged At New, Not-Yet-Released Michael Moore Film
[...]
  "This film is absolutely tasteless and misguided, and I can't believe theaters are even showing it," said GOP presidential candidate Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS), who, along with the rest of the nation, has not yet seen the film.

I don't have a TV

I'm not a great television watcher, infact I don't even own a television myself.

Fxck everything, we're doing five cores! And two aloe strips!!

Couldn't help but be reminded of an old Onion article... William Safire Orders Two Whoppers Jr.

Don't forget about the new product-unveiling product!

Oooh, Look At Me, I Read The Economist!

This is not the only MIT breakthrough. See this: http://www.theonion.com/content/node/31738

Because scientists hate mice.

He already has something better

A few of the organizations that use Drupal on a large scale successfully:

http://www.mtv.co.uk/
http://www.theonion.com/
http://dead.net/ (The Grateful Dead site)
http://goingon.com/ (Forbes. Yes, that Forbes.)
http://playboy.de/ (Playboy Germany, NSFW)
http://www.fighthunger.org/ (The UN)

And that's just the first few I remembered. Drupal scales just fine if you know what you're doing. If you don't, then you won't be able to make anything scale.

Why don't we just leave the plants alone?

They didn't ask to be modified like this. They were perfectly fine before we intervened. We intervened to make the plants more resistent to insects, to the heat and the cold, to shock during transportation... in short, more predictable, more reliable, more lucrative.

Who are we to decide what's best for the entire planet, anyway? We're only serving our own interests ($$$), and creating an imbalance in nature.

As humans, we are also imperfect. The errors we make have crept into dog breeding recently (article from May 23, 2007). As Slashdot readers, you probably know about all the bugs that have crept into computer programming, too. For instance: "I didn't think about the interaction between these two code modules, and my code crashed on start in that client's particular configuration. I'll send a patch ASAP." Now imagine a bit how you'd react if a scientist made any such oversight to even one gene of a species, sent the design into production, and in 25 years killed every specimen of a plant species (or even an animal species, or humans themselves), thus was unable to send a patch. Scary isn't it?

For these reasons, I suggest a complete ban of all genetic engineering. Our mistakes in this field will end up being genocides. However many scientists validate genetic research, however careful they are, however certain they are when making a modification... we will still end up killed by a simple... oops!

P.S.: A friend of mine wrote a great blog entry recently about human intelligence and how we are going to reverse evolution with it, then be completely owned; I think it applies very well to this story. Read it here, then think.

P.P.S: I'm Canadian.

Harrassing a handicapped mother, her child and disrupting the child's education (by wanting to depose during school hours). Congo rats RIAA! You've pulled the trifecta!...

Seriously, the devil is going to be in serious need of something to do the way these fookers are going. I think even he sits back, looks at these cases and says, "dayum...."

Please don't try to make jokes about the scientific abilities of Bush.

The press is clear about it.

You have a good point, but as evidence that big corporations are invulnerable you cite... Radioshack?

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11409391/

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/even_ceo_cant _figure_out_how

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades

By James M. Kilts
CEO and President,
The Gillette Company

Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened--the bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades.

Sure, we could go to four blades next, like the competition. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. So let's play it safe. Let's make a thicker aloe strip and call it the Mach3SuperTurbo. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're a business, that's why!

You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a shit. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? Fuck, no. Gillette is the best a man can get.

What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.

Here's the report from Engineering. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my ass with it. They don't tell me what to invent--I tell them. And I'm telling them to stick two more blades in there. I don't care how. Make the blades so thin they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they have to cram the fifth blade in perpendicular to the other four, just do it!

You're taking the "safety" part of "safety razor" too literally, grandma. Cut the strings and soar. Let's hit it. Let's roll. This is our chance to make razor history. Let's dream big. All you have to do is say that five blades can happen, and it will happen. If you aren't on board, then fuck you. And if you're on the board, then fuck you and your father. Hey, if I'm the only one who'll take risks, I'm sure as hell happy to hog all the glory when the five-blade razor becomes the shaving tool for the U.S. of "this is how we shave now" A.

People said we couldn't go to three. It'll cost a fortune to manufacture, they said. Well, we did it. Now some egghead in a lab is screaming "Five's crazy?" Well, perhaps he'd be more comfortable in the labs at Norelco, working on fucking electrics. Rotary blades, my white ass!

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we should just ride in Bic's wake and make pens. Ha! Not on your fucking life! The day I shadow a penny-ante outfit like Bic is the day I leave the razor game for good, and that won't happen until the day I die!

The market? Listen, we make the market. All we have to do is put her out there with a little jingle. It's as easy as, "Hey, shaving with anything less than five blades is like scraping your beard off with a dull hatchet." Or "You'll be so smooth, I could snort lines off of your chin." Try "Your neck is going to be so friggin' soft, someone's gonna walk up and tie a goddamn Cub Scout kerchief under it."

I know what you're thinking now: What'll people say? Mew mew mew. Oh, no, what will people say?! Grow the fuck up. When you're on top, people talk. That's the price you pay for being on top. Which Gillette is, always has been, and forever shall be, Amen, five blades, sweet Jesus in heaven.

Sorry, but you're too late Microsoft Patents Ones, Zeroes

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/apple_ hard_at_work_making

i can't think of anything it is basically useful for in an undisuteable way (smacks forehead) ...i think the "i am too cool to use radio" crowd is kind of a distant cousin of this loser

some people must have some really fragile egos to need this sort of sense of superiority as an ego crutch

Their governments suck, their religious behavior tends to be pretty bad, but damn is their God better... Promise of Virgin-Mart vs promise of burning in hell...

Oh, they've got Hell too! This is just one of the many aspects of their franchising offer that makes it so compelling to set up a local office, er, mosque. And, while you're waiting for your Virgin-Mart gift card, you still get to make sure that your actual wife is treated like property.

But: for one of the very best articles on this subject, I highly recommend a quick read at this highly reputable news source .

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Sides.

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Sides.

Whatever you do, Gillette is one step ahead...

wow, who woulda thunk a Chaotic Evil Manager could run a Lawful evil company. That IS evil. I suppose he's got 13 levels on them and with that 20 charisma can dupe pretty much anyone.

Please, don't EVER make a comment combining Hillary Clinton and a sex toy.

Al Gore agrees.

from The Onion of course!
...
NJ Transit, PATH train schedules online

Ahh yes... one of those guys...

it's their right to believe what they choose

Apparently it's not. (The study was done on the U.S. population but I have no doubt it can be generalized for all humanity.)

You are wrong, this is in Great Britain, not in Ireland

And other times, it's freaking scary: The Onion, January 2001.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27696

I bet you someone reported the onion as fact again... everyone just calm down.

It's kind of sad, I would say, when life imitates The Onion.

At first, I thought Slashdot had been duped into posting an Onion article on a similar topic.

Sometimes it's just downright hilarious.

The Onion, February 2004:

Stop. I just had a stroke of genius. Are you ready? Open your mouth, baby birds, cause Mama's about to drop you one sweet, fat nightcrawler. Here she comes: Put another aloe strip on that fucker, too. That's right. Five blades, two strips, and make the second one lather. You heard me--the second strip lathers. It's a whole new way to think about shaving. Don't question it. Don't say a word. Just key the music, and call the chorus girls, because we're on the edge--the razor's edge--and I feel like dancing.

CNN, September 2005:

Gillette has escalated the razor wars yet again, unveiling a new line of razors on Wednesday with five blades and a lubricating strip on both the front and back.

...when reality and The Onion collide: http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27696

So when you hear people complain about there being nothing good on TV which to record - yeah, I can see that. I don't know when I last turned on the television here but I don't think it even has the rabbit ears hooked up!

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30517
Potential Baldness Cure Leads Man To Reverse Position On Stem-Cell Research
March 31, 2004 | Issue 4013

Old news, guys. Microsoft Patents Ones, Zeros

I see that nothing has changed.

hard to believe this issue of theonion is 9 years old, heh

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29130

So, do you still have a TV?

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28694/

Then again, I haven't watched TV in several years so I don't know, maybe I missed something vital here...