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Glad to hear we're advancing new technologies. We need everything we have to catch up to the Chinese in the fireworks arms race.

At the time many thought this 26 MARCH 2003 article from The Onion was a joke

Point-Counterpoint: The War On Iraq

This War Will Disabilize The Entire Middle East Region And Set Off A Global Shockwave Of Anti-americanism
By Nathan Eckert

George W. Bush may think that a war against Iraq is the solution to our problems, but the reality is, it will only serve to create far more.

This war will not put an end to anti-Americanism; it will fan the flames of hatred even higher. It will not end the threat of weapons of mass destruction; it will make possible their further proliferation. And it will not lay the groundwork for the flourishing of democracy throughout the Mideast; it will harden the resolve of Arab states to drive out all Western (i.e. U.S.) influence.

If you thought Osama bin Laden was bad, just wait until the countless children who become orphaned by U.S. bombs in the coming weeks are all grown up. Do you think they will forget what country dropped the bombs that killed their parents? In 10 or 15 years, we will look back fondly on the days when there were only a few thousand Middle Easterners dedicated to destroying the U.S. and willing to die for the fundamentalist cause. From this war, a million bin Ladens will bloom.

And what exactly is our endgame here? Do we really believe that we can install Gen. Tommy Franks as the ruler of Iraq? Is our arrogance and hubris so great that we actually believe that a U.S. provisional military regime will be welcomed with open arms by the Iraqi people? Democracy cannot possibly thrive under coercion. To take over a country and impose one's own system of government without regard for the people of that country is the very antithesis of democracy. And it is doomed to fail.

A war against Iraq is not only morally wrong, it will be an unmitigated disaster.

No It Won't
By Bob Sheffer

No it won't.

It just won't. None of that will happen.

You're getting worked up over nothing. Everything is going to be fine. So just relax, okay? You're really overreacting.

"This war will not put an end to anti-Americanism; it will fan the flames of hatred even higher"?

It won't.

"It will harden the resolve of Arab states to drive out all Western (i.e. U.S.) influence"?

Not really.

"A war against Iraq is not only morally wrong, it will be an unmitigated disaster"?

Sorry, no, I disagree.

"To take over a country and impose one's own system of government without regard for the people of that country is the very antithesis of democracy"?

You are completely wrong.

Trust me, it's all going to work out perfect. Nothing bad is going to happen. It's all under control.

Why do you keep saying these things? I can tell when there's trouble looming, and I really don't sense that right now. We're in control of this situation, and we know what we're doing. So stop being so pessimistic.

Look, you've been proven wrong, so stop talking. You've had your say already.

Be quiet, okay? Everything's fine.

You're wrong.

VOTE!

got this form The Onion

Mugger Can't Believe Crap Victim Has On MP3 Player

BOSTON--Following the successful mugging of a jogger in Franklin Park, petty criminal Derek Mesker announced Monday that he cannot believe the shit he's found on his victim's Philips 20GB MP3 player. "3 Doors Down? Maroon 5!" Mesker said, scrolling through the songs. "The new Counting Crows?! Man, I'm glad I pistol-whipped that motherfuck." Mesker added that the first thing he did was toss the device's "gay-ass" teal neoprene case.

I was suprised too, but not as suprised as this guy

That sounds like a quote from "What do you think?" on the Onion

Because these are the glory days of The Onion.

Ever since Bush came into office, the staff of The Onion have been racing desperately to keep their parody ahead of the rapidly-accelerating absurdity of American politics. The prime example of the difficulties they have to overcome is their now-legendary headline for Bush's Innagural address in January 2001: Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'. Reading the article today, the uncomfortable fact is that the jokes they made have basically all happened for real since then, as Dan Chak has documented. Their one concession to reality over these years was to run a completely straight article about how a muscular Austrian was running for governor of California.

Their 9/11 issue might well have won a Pulitzer if that year's judges could have figured out what to do with it (there was a marvelous article in Editor and Publisher magazine, I think, from one of those judges recounting how they passed it around the room in stunned silence). Then there's their recent take on Condoleeza Rice's testimony before the 9/11 Commission In all of America, only Jon Stewart's Daily Show and The Onion have managed to continue to parody politics faster than it can become a parody of itself. That's no mean feat.

Well, at least you're in good company. You pick a computer, they try to balance the budget. ("Get 'im Soybean Subsidies! Th' ayes! Th' ayes! Claw the ayes aught! Whooyah!! Lookee that! Aye tellya boys, they'rell be no raise for the Libraian of Congress this year.")

One that chimes in with "Why don't we just turn off the {TV|computer} and go outside for a change, huh, huh?? Lazy-asses!", that is.

How come no one ever says you should stop reading and go outside? Or stop knitting? Or stop listening to music?

Answer: because those things are warm and fuzzy and old-fashioned. TVs and comptuers are techy and shiny and new-fangled. Therefore, they are evil and empty and fit only for the -- ugh -- ovine commoners.

I don't know about you, but I don't turn my brain off just because I'm watching TV -- why should I? In fact, the extra stimulation (data rate, if you will) gives it more to chew on: Could such a thing ever happen?...Was that scene stupid?...What ulterior motives might the producers have for what I just saw?...How much did Pepsi have to pay to get that soda can in the scene?

In conclusion, click on this obligatory link (which no longer works because The Onion has sold out).

Originally from The Onion:

Department of Education: Metric System Thriving in Nation's Inner Cities

And now it's The Onion. I dunno what's worse...

That was an article in The Onion.

Patriot Act Suppresses News Of Challenge to Patriot Act

Oh, man, that Onion. Their stories are always such a hoot. I've got to go check out the original, see if they've got a picture to go with it.

Oh, crap.

I'm outta here.

Here.

So long as they avoid libel (which is a matter for the courts), then it's an issue of institutional choice.

If everything that's called news must be true, then you would deny me the pleasure of reading The Onion. It's a news parody site, but at first glance it's not obvious. The top of the page says, "America's Finest News Source (tm)," so it must be news. Yet the Supreme Court ruled to protect parody as a first amendment right. What's wrong with that?

What about the Weekly World News? It's the highest circulated paper in the US. I see nothing wrong with their editorial "fact" fabrication. Nowhere does that paper say, "Entertainment Value Only". People use it for entertainment though. What's wrong with that?

Basically, you can't hold these institutions under different legal standards than the New York Times or the Wall Street Journal. They are all publishers. So long as they avoid libel, they are free to print whatever they want. Their accuracy beyond that is an institutional choice.

If you don't feel they are accurate, and you expect them to be, your only recourse is to spend your money elsewhere. If enough people do that then the advertising will suffer.

A good example of this is the New York Post. This is a paper that suffered under claims of inaccuracy for years. Now they report more "gossip" to keep readership up. How many respected newspapers keep gossip on the front page?

I, in a very humble opinion, see nothing wrong with any of this. It's publishing. It's there to sell papers.

Where I do see a problem, is when someone expects the government to keep someone's first amendment rights in check. Libel and Slander laws exist to protect when a first amendment right infringes on someone else's rights. You do not have the right to force someone to give you accurate news. You do have the right to investigate and find out the truth yourself. Our system, as it exists, is pretty good. What's happening is exactly what should happen. Lies and mis-spoken facts are getting out there, and then being found out. This is the way our system has evolved. And sometimes it doesn't work quickly, but it does work.

Bottom line, there is no way to force the truth onto those whom don't care. Those seeking the truth can find it. Until I can no longer find the truth when I seek it out, then I see nothing wrong with it.

Friend Buys Computer Just Like That

I guess they're just not as smart as some of us.

Slashdot (at least after reading the FAQ) is obviously a site dedicated to editorial of it's readers, which could include anybody!

You might as well chide The Onion for it's inability to get a story straight. It looks like a news source. It says it's a news source. Then it must be true. I mean THIS ARTICLE couldn't be a parody. I have friends that have done the exact same thing!

Slashdot (at least after reading the FAQ) is obviously a site dedicated to editorial of it's readers, which could include anybody!

You might as well chide The Onion for it's inability to get a story straight. It looks like a news source. It says it's a news source. Then it must be true. I mean THIS ARTICLE couldn't be a parody. I have friends that have done the exact same thing!

What about a mechwarrior style exoskeleton with the controls hooked into your brain.

Been done.

Stephen Hawking Builds Robotic Exoskeleton.

Mc Hawking found prior art.

heh

Alas poor Bill, we knew you well.

Area Man Constantly Mentioning He Doesn't Own A Television

CHAPEL HILL, NC--Area resident Jonathan Green does not own a television, a fact he repeatedly points out to friends, family, and coworkers--as well as to his mailman, neighborhood convenience-store clerks, and the man who cleans the hallways in his apartment building....</snip>

You are annoying.

The story told on my favorite sitcom this week could have been a short story.

I think he meant reading something insightful, to cause you to do scary things like think about all kinds of stuff from politics up to and including the meaning of life. Most good books fall into this category. He certainly didn't mean reading a trashy supermarket romance novel.

There really is no available comparison. The most thought-provoking thing I've ever seen on the aptly-named boob tube was "The Matrix". How sad is that?

Mindless entertainment is great, don't get me wrong. I play video games all the time. You're welcome to watch TV instead if you like. Intellectually they're about the same. But you need to balance it out with something more challenging. It's nice to give the mind a rest now and then. But just like resting a bit is nice, despite the benefits of exercise, it's also good to give your mind some exercise. Read a good, intelligent book (sci-fi, fiction, non-fiction, doesn't matter), or really anything except TV. Build something, draw something, do something. All these things are much more rewarding than sitting and passively watching TV.

I realize I sound like this guy but honestly, when I started to cut down my TV-watching, it not only gave me time to start cycling a lot more and getting my body in shape, reading because I enjoy it, and it gave me much more time for my hobbies like photography and programming as well.

TVs give outlets for advertisements, thus furthering our economy.

I am not an economist, but our economy is furthered by the creation of wealth -- technological advancements, increased industrial production, etc. Advertising creates no wealth, it does not advance society or the economy. It is a tool for encouraging voluntary redistribution of existing wealth, a byproduct of capitalism, not a contribution to the economy.

Are you this guy?

The Onion | Area Man Constantly Mentioning He Doesn't Own A Television:

http://www.theonion.com/onion3604/doesnt_own_telev ision.html

Say -- haven't we met before?
--
Cain.

...can be found here.

--
Cain.

Why do people need to brag about not watching TV?

National Act Like a Pompous Ass Who's Better than Everyone Because You Don't Watch TV Week

To be followed by National Act All Superior Because You Are So "Liberated" That You Don't Own a Cell Phone Week

Christianity didn't tell the crusaders to slaughter all the men, women, and children in Jerusalem when they surrendered. It didn't tell them to rape the nuns when they took Constantinople in the 4th Crusade. Islam didn't tell the terrorists to fly a plane into a building.

Sure. It's like the Onion story God Angrily Clarifies "Don't Kill" Rule.

Most major religions are like Flash for web development: 99% of the people involved cock it up, so it's difficult to not blame Flash. Same goes for religion: when practically everyone you meet perverts a religion in some fundamentally unsound way, it's difficult to not blame religion.

Aha! We have finally discovered your real identity.

Maybe he has and nobody listened.

Even if he gave a worldwide broadcast you couldn't ignore, anyone who disagreed with what he said would argue that it wasn't really God. It was a trick by Satan or the Jews or the Freemasons or the guys who faked the moon landing. And they'll say it was done to push an agenda that all "true believers" cannot, in good conscience, support. Thus the battles will rage on.

There are a gazillion chatrooms and bulletin boards expressly for debate and discussion of religious topics. The reason you get modded down is because when you debate religion here, you're like a smoker in an elevator. There are places to smoke and there are places for arguing religion. If I want to do either, I'll go to those places.

Until such time as I go to those places, I'll thank you not to inflict upon me either your second-hand smoke or your second-hand philosophy.

As you can see from my expensive cell phone, I am not poor.

are a living joke. http://www.theonion.com/onion3604/doesnt_own_telev ision.html

And no it is not a joke that you don't have a t.v.- but that you can't help telling everyone at the slightest opportunity (even if you have to invent the opportunity).

Wow, I didn't know Jonathon Green was a slashdotter.

...is that you?

Ghost of Christmas Future Taunts Children With Vision of PlayStation 5

PlayStation 5!

'The rejection could pave the way for municipalities to force cable companies to share their broadband Internet lines with third parties.' I personally can't wait for companies like Speakeasy to branch into the Cable Internet market and provide 10-100mbps service."

I agree, imagine the impact this could have on modern bandwidth intensive technologies!

i did not now that in a discussion it is me who has to provide facts which prove and support my counter-parts position. a bunch of stereotypes and taken-for-granted suppositions are not facts, either.

anyway, for a lighter read (how this whole thread makes me feel):
http://www.theonion.com/onion3911/pt_the_war_on_ir aq.html

SPOILER

"George" refers to Luke's Death Star run. He notes that the Trench could be considered a vaginal corridor and talks of the great Oedipal struggle between him and his father (Vader).

But then they started making too much shit up...imho a lowlight of today's stories. I think the best are those that are funny and then make you think. Like this: Bush Addresses 8.2 Million Unemployed: 'Get a Job'. I laughed then said, hey...wait...

Is does The Onion run serious stories today?

--trb

Oh my god, it's Area Man again!! We're sooo fucking impressed!

Maybe as in Sir Bilbo of the GatePeople?

According to Melinda Elkins, a coworker of Green's at The Frame Job, a Chapel Hill picture-frame shop, Green steers the conversation toward television whenever possible, just so he can mention not owning one.

KILL YOUR TV

My broadband cable modem fees are cheaper if I also buy basic cable TV than if I don't. How fucked up is that?

Shameless Onion plug.

Here is a link to the Onion article mentioned in the NY Times article.