Slashdot Mirror
Preserving Memories of a Loved One?
An anonymous reader writes "My wife is dying of metastatic (stage 4) cancer. Statistically she has between one and two years left. I have pre-teen daughters. I'm looking for innovative ideas on how to preserve memories of their mother and my wife so that years down the road we don't forget the things we all tend to forget about a person as time passes. I have copious photos and am taking as much HD video as I can without being a jerk, so images and sounds are taken care of (and backed up securely). I'm keeping a private blog of simple daily events that help me remember the things in between the hospitalizations and treatments. In this digital age what other avenues are there for preserving memories? Non-digital suggestions would be welcome, too."
I'm sorry to hear about your wife's condition. Truly.
For your daughters, I would recommend that your wife starts a diary, recording her thoughts. The little things, the big things. Looking at video and pictures is one thing, experiencing the feelings of a loved one as they wrote it is another. Together they may give your children something to look back upon for the rest of their lives.
I'd go with a formal interview to complement the daily life recording, to preserve for the kids a sense of how she felt on major issues, philosophy, personal achievements, things that might not come up when recording a daily routine.
Non Digital: Handprints in clay...
a simple 35mm film camera (one time use if you have to) developed into prints.
This is a retarded question for slashdot.
You might as well have asked it on 4chan FFS
I know you want to preserve her memory for your kids... but there's only so much you can do, and apparently only a limited amount of time left. If you spend too much of your time simply documenting her life, you may one day regret not spending more one-on-one time with her, unencumbered by things like worrying about videotaping and documenting every last second. No matter what, you will have regrets, but you should spend quality time with her while she is here, and not worry so much about documentation. This is all part of life - it sounds like you may have already done enough documentation for the time being, and perhaps now you should allow yourself and your kids to actually experience her as she is. Memories become distorted but still there is no substitute for real experience.
- elgo
Do an old fashioned album of the places you've been the things you've seen, then sit with your daughters on your wedding anniversary and tell them stories. Your story telling will make those memories come alive. Relive the joy of her being alive, not the pain of her death.
Put photographs, little bits of whatever, theater tickets, and so on. My father in law did this for my kids as he was dying while they were being born.
Great family history and lots of memories in those albums.
The best thing I had from some older relatives (now gone) were CDs of them telling stories. One of my cousins took the time to get a few of the aunts and uncles together on the phone and asked a few questions to get them to reminisce. After a few minutes they forgot about the tape recorder and began really talking to each other. That set of CDs one of the nicest remembrances I have of them. My wife wishes she had done this with her parents. They grew up during the great depression and had a lot of interesting stories on the way things were and tales of every day living. Unfortunately her mom developed Parkinson's and lost the ability to speak clearly, and her dad died of a sudden heart attack, so we lost all this oral history, as well as the sound of their voice.
On a back porch or whatever. Then the kids can stand in their mom's shoes and compare their feet.
It does help make a connection.
Handprints are more convenient and can hung on a wall if you do them with plaster in pie tins. This also makes them portable in case you move to a new house.
In theory you could make molds of hands, feet, whatever. But people seem to see more realistic depictions such as this or lifesize cutout standees as being creepy. Not so with hand/footprints.
http://lkml.org/lkml/2005/8/20/95
Perhaps she may want to leave something written, her memories. I have been talking to my dad about doing precisely that for years, not pressing but not stopping mentioning it from time to time. I don't want his life and that of his ancestors to vanish in background noise. I think it's fair to want a record of what the passage of those people through life was like, even if neither of them won a Nobel prize or became president of the country.
On the other hand, perhaps what remains for you to do is to live the time she has with her and your children. In other words, it's good to preserve things as you are already doing, but don't let that take away time or attention from the life that still has to be lived. Find an equilibrium.
Finally, I salute your courage and attitude.
You might forget to actually live with her while that's still possible. To make memories instead of trying to preserve...the preservation efforts.
Which is impossible to be anywhere "complete" anyway, so just take what's good, what you see is happening; let her guide it (in a preferred form). And the rest involved will specifically remember what's worthwile to them anyway - not everything there is to remember. What does it matter if you couldn't really remember it at will?
(or even "what does it matter" in grander sense - for example, what can we tell about our great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother? You know, the one from the side of you father, then grandfather, then great-grandmother, great-great-grandmother, great-great-great-grandfather, great-great-great-great-grandfather, great-great-great-great-great-grandmother, great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather. The basics would do - century, continent, language...
That won't change thanks to "digital age" in the way people imagine, IMHO; at most roughly as an input to statistical approaches / etc.)
Well, if somebody is really determined, cryonics might work...eventually.
One that hath name thou can not otter
People die, life moves on. Detailing her daily life so that you can remember everything will keep you from doing that. Instead, make a log of your important memories with her, and work on making new ones that you and her can cherish for the rest of her life.
Just something simple, doesn't have to be anything specific... reading a book aloud, or just monologuing on this thing or another, it's really hard to recollect someone's voice, but it will bring back floods of memories even 30 years down the line when you hear it. Could combine with smells for even more impact, keep her scented soap, or perfume (not the fancy one, the everyday one which you'll only notice once it's gone).
Being Italian we tend to associate with Food. When my wife lost her mother we've spent the past few months finding recipes from my mother-in-law and building a family cookbook. Now when we make those dishes those memories return.
I'm sorry for your situation, I can not being to imagine what your going through.
If your wife feels up to it, maybe have her write/record personal private messages to your daughters for the different milestones in their lives.
Graduations, First "True Love" Advice, First Break Up Advice, etc.
Something personal meant just for the girls, they can let you see it if they want to later.
Most memories we have of our parents are from the stories/advice we all rolled our eyes at when they told them to us, and we rolled our eyes then but they take on greater meaning later.
Don't forget to "scrapbook" anything you can from the past, a trip to the park before the cancer took hold might seem unimportant but it would be good to have memories of their mother that do not all focus on what the cancer did and the last few years she had with them.
Maybe check with her parents and see if they have old school photos and other memories saved. Record/document what she has to say about these milestones from her past. It lets them create the connections with her that would have come to pass.
I hope this helps some.
First, on the sentimental note - I saw a TV show a few weeks ago about some little girl who was diagnosed with a disease that killed her.
She wanted her family to remember her, so she wrote a ton -- no one knows how many, but thousands -- of letters, and hid them in various places all over the house.
Her folks and siblings were still finding those letters years after she was gone. As I said, I am not sentimental, but this video kinda shook me.
So, maybe you need to do something like that - that will be a nice memory and a surprise when you find it. Maybe better if you don't know what it says, too.
On the other hand, given this whole project of yours, you should consider your family's life after, if she goes (and I wish they'd come up with that cure for cancer).
If someone else joins the family, what will they think about, well, your whole idea?
So, something that surprises you down the road would be nice, but also consider balancing your life before and after.
Also, my sympathies about what you're going through, and best of luck to you all.
Honestly, you are wasting your time behind a camera. There is no innovative technological solution to immortalizing the dead. Everyone who suffers that kind of loss winds up forgetting, and later recalling little moments.
Take a cue from the movie 'Up'. Keep photos and cherished items. Use the tokens you preserve to jog your memory once in a while. But spend the time you have left with your wife fully engaged and enjoying every tiny slice of life as much as you can.
Videos, pictures, and text is fantastic, and I'm glad you're capturing that. However, our most personal recording device is our brain as it captures emotions as well. I'd encourage her to make something for each of your daughters. It doesn't matter what it is, a drawing ,a knick knack, a story in a bound book, a little table, it doesn't matter a bit. It just has to be a thing that will be there and remind them of her. Digital information is great, and I love technology as much as the last person on /. but they are no substitute for memories brought on by something tangible that you can hold and was created by someone.
The television will not be revolutionized.
Did you watch Randy Pausch's Last Lecture? http://www.cmu.edu/randyslecture/
Would your wife be interested in doing something like this? I assume privately, but maybe she'd want to make it public.
Make her smile as much as you can and get as many moments all together as can, this will last your daughters and you a lifetime.
yeah this is my idea too - or write a bot that can read diaries and blogs and then interact with a user. Sort of like megahal but with more awareness of grammar and logic. I'm working on one to encode the best parts of myself :)
1) Take video of things that have meaning to her, let her add voice-overs to the videos. Combine them all together into a DVD. Make copies for your children to take with them wherever they may go in life. 2) Give her the video camera and some privacy. Let her record videos for the family that are only to be viewed at a certain time / date / event (birthdays, weddings, etc). If you can resist the temptation to view them before the date she specified, you'll have messages from her for many years to come.
You might try starting a small scholarship fund, for example:
http://www.goldenislesarts.org/artsineducation.html#scholarship
Support something that she was very fond of and you will not only have a yearly reminder, but she will continue to touch the lives of others into the future.
One way to keep her memories intact would be to have her cryonically preserved through the Alcor Life Extension Foundation or a similar organization.
...is seldom a good idea.
With all respect to your beloved wife and the wonderful person she undoubtedly is - it's better to remember the good things and the good times you had together when she was well.
The bad thing about remembering and missing loved ones, is that you'll refresh your memories about them to a degree where you miss them so much that a sadness will dwell inside of you and possibly make life much harder than ease your pain.
This effect is much worse in kids (I was a kid too, and learning from past experience I'd say I was better off not having too many pictures & memorabilia of the person I loved the most), I knew she had ONE great wish - and I try to fulfil that wish, but only so far. The more you miss them, the more you'll cry, the emptier your life will feel like because you're reminding yourself of your losses - if it works the other way around...say...like reminding you of the great times you had, this is STILL in the PAST and won't help a future relationship, the same applies to your kids.
It's important to "ease out" from the pain your kids will experience from the loss, lest they remember, the better it is, especially since it makes them live in the NOW (which is VERY important for kids) they don't need to dwell upon losses, kids are a BUNDLE of FEELINGS,,,and are especially vulnerable to excessive feel-overloads of impressions. Free them from sadness - Look into the future.
Trust me - this is probably what your wife wishes for you and the kids too, I know my (now deceased) family members do...because I know them well, they're selfless and caring - and I did what they wanted me to do, try my best - and don't dwell upon the past. I've made the mistake of dwelling, thats why I can tell you of my experiences in life.
Now - I only look ahead.
What this world is coming to - is for you and me to decide.
/Too/ diligent recording and there's a risk of letting the HD video define your memory of her, versus single pictures that serve only to spark your memories. Similarly a video is something you sit and watch, whereas a picture requires you to talk about the background and explain the story of whats going on in the picture, could be a more family oriented thing. Although on the other hand, pre-teen daughters might not have very strongly encoded memories of her yet, so maybe definitive footage would be good for things that get fuzzy in memory, like voice.
Have your wife write her thoughts to your daughters, and you, and help her write them if you have to. Keep journals around, but don't be too pushy. It's the rest of her life, so let her choose. Letters for important future events for your daughters could be really nice.
More importantly, put the camera down, stop worrying so much about the distant future, and worry about the time you have now. Don't use it too much to plan to remember. Use it to live.
The most fun, absolutely wonderful things. You, the girls, and your wife. While her health will allow it. Take a trip, for instance. And don't make it all stressfull, and don't invest it with too much meaning. It's a fun jaunt, the whole family
Those memories will last.
Tenemus pyrobolos atqui jacimus cognitiones.
Sadly out of mod points today, but mod up parent. Enjoy the time you have together now, don't get caught up in trying to capture everything.
For important birthdays, proms, graduations, weddings, birth of your daughter's children, have your wife record or write messages for your daughters.
A message saying she is proud, that she remembers when she did those things, a bit of motherly advise, a lot of love.
(I'd say I'm sorry, but I don't know you, her, anyone around you and I although it's bad, I can't really make myself feel anything).
In short. You're not the one that's dying, it's just not up to you. Let her do whatever think it's appropriate (telling her anything about it would be just imposing), and keep your own memories, however you want them (blog probably, although your head would suffice). Don't overdo it - otherwise your risk killing parts of you and your daughters in the process.
And, you seem too depressed to ask on Slashdot. Please, please, please, talk to someone, even a professional (even with the related social stigmata related to that). Don't try to offload this on a bunch of strangers, that's not going to work well anyway. We suck. Even though a lot of us lost someone dear sometime ago (me - about a week ago), it still doesn't make us any good in offering good advice on anything like this.
Seriously. Please 1) don't be an idiot 2) do what's right instead of using strangers to thing for you. Yes, you might fuck up, so what? You'll still remember her for what she was.
You're not a parent. You don't get it. You'd be surprised how fragile memories of lost relatives are from youth. Their kids are going to grow up and want every bit of information they can have about their mom. He's doing the right thing and so is the mother.
Ultimately you will want the memories you cherish when you're alone - maybe when you're lying in bed. Not when you want to dig out the DVD player and go searching for a specific birthday, or conversation. Therefore they will be the ones that are in your head, not on a piece of media in the back of a cupboard.
politicians are like babies' nappies: they should both be changed regularly and for the same reasons
Condolences, and best wishes for your project.
I lost a parent as a young teenager. My siblings were tweens. We have lots of peek-a-boo and Saturday morning couch fort memories, and don't get me wrong, we cherish them. But what I really miss now, as a grown woman, was getting to know my father as an adult. He was a great father for us as children, but we were too young and/or too sheltered for really open conversations on those thorny adult issues that most parents dread. The man I've gotten to know second-hand through his peers was a thoughtful, interesting, complicated guy. I wish I could have known him as a peer, too.
Whatever medium you and your wife use (and you should participate too, no parent is an island), don't neglect the shades of gray, and the things you'd only say to someone you trust after a couple of beers.
John Hancock wuz here.
Years ago I watched the movie 'My Life' with Michael Keaton. The part I remember is that he was making videos for his unborn child (he was terminally ill in the movie) that could be watched later in life as a way to teach his child his values / ideas / etc. As hard as this would be for you and your wife to do, consider doing something similar. It could be as simple as a diary that your wife keeps for each of the children. Personalized for each person. She could place one entry per day per child. They could be simple things, or heavier subjects that your wife wants to try impart some of her wisdom onto your children for. Some subjects may not be appropriate today but will be necessary later in life. Dating, college, what to do with your life, how to deal with boys, how to deal with sex, etc. Some perspectives will probably be unique from your wife's point of view.
As a person who takes 100's of photos per month of my kids / family functions, and hours of video also, I realize that after someone is gone it isn't always the pictures and videos that keep the memories of someone alive. It's the small stuff. The things that happen in everyday life that we take for granted, until something like this happens.
I wish you the best for you and your family during this time of difficulty.
There are no stupid questions, only stupid people asking questions.
Exactly. "And this is me filming her dying.".
I cannot imagine losing my spouse and am sorry about your family's situation.
I lost my grandparents quite a while ago and my parents much more recently; I think about and miss them often.
While they were still alive, one of my relatives sat down with my grandparents and parents and "interviewed" them in much the same way as one would a guest on a TV show.
Because of the format and comprehensive list of questions asked, I consider these recordings to be one of the best reminders I have of my [grand]parents' lives.
The oldest--my grandparents'--is audio-only, and the other is audio with accompanying pictures (this was before the age of common and affordable video). Nevertheless, they are wonderful and I consider myself richer for having them.
I guess the format is not nearly as important as the content. Many of the painful "if only I could talk to them one last time" moments deal with family history: where they came from, how they met, what they did before you showed up, etc.
Get some help from any/everyone you can and write a comprehensive set of questions. Your kids (and you) will appreciate it for years to come!
You have the right to remain silent. If you don't, anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
Really? Let's get sentimental: As somebody who lost my mother* as a pre-teen, I will defend my position by saying that different people cope with bereavement in different ways, one of which is humor which may seem inappropriate at the time. Even now, I insist that my friends treat me the same as everybody else as far as "I fucked your mom**" jokes go. My humorous yet realistic response to those jokes shows my strength and my ability to cope with trauma in a healthy manner.
As a supplement to the above, I advise submitter - I've been there as a kid, as a pre-teen. Whatever you do, do not force the issue with your children. When your wife passes, do not force your wife's memory upon them and insist that everybody constantly juggle her memories in each others' faces. Let them be sullen and withdrawn if they want to. They will recontextualize at their own pace, in their own ways. Attempting to shove their dead mother in their faces may be misguided and akin to pouring lemon juice on a wound. Just be supportive of each other and don't force anything.
And later, when you begin to find romance again, do not force your kids to call her "mom." Nobody will ever replace mom.
* It would be easier if I knew that she died. But, in the throes of schizoprhrenic psychosis, a product of an old-skool "tough-love" family who kicked their children when they were already down, she was last seen attempting to kill herself. She was erroneously released from the nuthouse on her own recognizance, never to be seen again.
** My friends sometimes tell me that they fucked my mom. I tell 'em that it must be the reason that they smell like malt liquor and piss, etc.
How about having her write letters for important times in the children's lives. A letter for graduating high school, and maybe one for college. Another for when they get married. Maybe even a letter for when the child turns 16 or other important milestones. That's about the only thing I can think of besides video and sound. Sometimes reading something written by the hand of the person you care about is special. It helps make you feel closer to them when you don't have many other ways to do so.
I'm sorry to hear that she will be leaving soon. It's a good thing to know it's coming and to take care of the important things while you can. I hope that my idea will help you out.
Nah. You want the takes with the tears.
If you mod me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.
It's really not that complicated: spend time with her if she wants to. Don't constantly shove a video camera in her face. Keep in mind that when some people are ill, they may actually need quiet time, so be sensitive.
No mod points, but this ^^^^^.
I lost my wife when we were 37. She went out visiting one night, and never came home.
Spend the time you have left with your wife, and the children with their mother *creating memories*, and not memorabilia.
I'm sorry for your family, that you have to go through this when the kids are so young. Be strong, man.
"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." - Hanlon's Razor
Stop with the video, stop with the blogs, stop with the pictures. Just try to live the remaining time as full as possible. YOUR families memories of the good times is enough, make sure you have lots of them.
my friends mom died of pancreatic cancer about 8 years ago. She did a bunch of thing that makes sure her memory lives on. like Droid41 said have her record video messages and congratulation (and memories) that coincide with the events of her childrens life on special occasions. 16 18 and 21st birthdays, driving liscense, marrage, grandchildren etc. it helps them stay in touch with the person that they are becoming and help them to remember the person that she was. Give them to your kids on those occasions so that they always know that there is something to look forward to. also get greeting cards for those occasions and give them to them on those occasions with the videos. smell is the sence most closely tied to memory, think about keeping a bottle of her perfume around. pick somethign she loves to do and do that once a year. my friends mom lived to take cruises, so once a year the family goes on a cruise.
All this "don't forget to live" crap is just people showing off that they're oh-so-much-wiser than the original inquirer. I can't think of anything more infuriating to someone in his situation. If you don't have a suggestion to make ALONG THE LINES OF WHAT HE ASKED FOR, then keep your pop psychology to yourself.
I do: physical objects. Does she have jewelry? She should plan who it's going to go to, especially since your kids are both girls. If there's anything she really cherished, be sure you know what it is now so you can hang on to it.
I piss off bigots.
Find someone younger and hotter and take her to the funeral.
This facinates me; what kind of person writes something like that and what is going through their head when they do?
Given the age of the children, their adult memories of specific details might be fuzzy, but all they'll need is a hint to bring it back vividly. As a middle aged adult, I have a lot of people now I've lost, and a faded photo is all it takes to bring them back in my imagination. So what you should do is build memories and create triggers that will recall those memories.
What I'd suggest is this. Have the family start making scrapbooks of things you've done that are memorable. They could be big things like vacations, but don't forget the day to day routines, meals, reading together, tucking into bed. Talk about those things as you are putting the scrapbooks together. Have everyone draw pictures of things that happened. Human memory is more creative than mechanical media like HD video, and what you are doing here is literally building memories. The scrapbook will be a trigger for those memories (scan it to back it up).
A variant on this you might want to try for certain events is to make a time capsule, a box into which you can put souvenirs, written accounts, recordings, postcards etc.
Keep things simple, don't go overboard with the tech so that it takes you focus of the important thing, which is the what is left in your human mind, more powerful than the most perfect media record and without which such records are valueless.
Make the most out of every day. Everyone should do that anyway. I was talking with my 14 year old daughter about open ended questions -- ones that don't really have a clear and perfectly satisfying answer. She wanted to know an example of one, and I immediately said, "Why do I have to die?" I think about this almost every day. I could have an accident and not be here for my children tomorrow. These thoughts are unpleasant, but I think it is important to remind myself that I don't have unlimited time. That is the rason I choose to make time for the people who are important to me.
So you see, I have put some thought into this problem already. My answer to "why do I have to die?" is this: so that I remember to make my life worth living. It's not a perfect answer, nor is it one that meets everyone's needs, but it meets mine.
Post may contain irony: discontinue use if experiencing mood swings, nausea or elevated blood pressure.
Focus on activities you can do together as a family. I'm not sure how active her health allows her to be, but simple things like trips to the park or the zoo can be a wonderful experience and an event you and your children will remember the rest of your lives. If it's hard for her to get around, sitting with her and reading a book or telling stories from your past can be nice as well. These memories may become distorted, but in a positive way. They'll be little pockets of joy in what are otherwise very hard times.
Ask her as much as possible about her friends and family. You may be able to find people who remember her when she was little, or at least before you two met. Also, with time children may want to know more about her side of the family. Find out as much as you can now; later you and your children may be grateful you did it. I wish I asked my father more questions while he was still alive. Record those interviews; things get hazy and then people can't agree on what they heard.
If you want to remember how she lived, it will become harder and harder for you to do so as the inevitability of her death becomes more and more obvious. You're already treating her like she's about to die; is that the way that you want to remember her?
Focus on who she was before all of this. Preserve her life, not her death.
Am I part of the core demographic for Swedish Fish?
When my dad passed, I kept his pickup as a kind of shrine. It had his personality because of how he decorated it, the things he kept in it for work and play, and the memories of places we went in it. Eventually I passed it to another family member, and of course it will someday be gone. But for a while, it was a cool way to have an occasional visit with ol' dad.
Considering the poster's question makes me think that a virtual shrine should be do-able: a small 3-D world with representations of places and things that bring a strong sense of a person's uniqueness. For me, just that truck would do fine. It would be neat if I could share it with family and friends, and connect it with their favorite ways of remembering him.
I don't know what current virtual reality platform would be best suited for this since I don't play any of the games that use this stuff, but I'll bet there's something off-the-shelf that should do OK...
A digital memory is unforgiving; the video of a laugh you remember as a shining moment won't blur the ever-present fatigue. Where you remember a beautiful smile the camera will remind you of the pain she suppressed for that moment, the blackness under her eyes.
I would suggest not video taping anything other than the occasional interview; perhaps discretely video record your wife reminiscing with your daughters about their early childhood, and hers.
Instead of focusing on digital memories, spend that time with your wife and daughters forming memories of real events. Frisbee in the yard, swings, running through sprinklers, hiking in the forest. Learning to cook new things together, card games, board games, sewing.
We remember 'firsts' the best, usually. Do new things. Let your memories blur the edges of your wife's condition; your daughters lives will turn out the better for it, their memories of Mom that much fonder.
The last thing I wanted to remember about my mum when she fought a long battle with cancer was her final days. She finally died when I was 18.
Things are not pretty in those final years. Pale, tired, sick, moody but mostly high on drugs. And that is what you are leaving as a final memory to your kids. She was not that woman.
Go through existing photos of when she was a kid and make sure the photo albums (physical or not) are well documented and chronologically ordered. What was happening at the time, who was she with, how good of time was she having and how happy was she.
Go through photos of when the two of you met and dated. Document that. The happy times and the not so happy times. The two of you should go through each photo and describe the event.
I, for some reason, have only three photos of my mum. Two when she was sick (not so fun to look at) and one just before she met my dad. I would love to know where she was, what she was doing (was it during uni on break?), etc.
.
I'm a hobbyist photographer. I agree with the film people who say you should print.
However, I don't see that you have to use film. It's important to remember that you can go to the photo store and get prints of your digital photos, too (last time I went to have a roll of film developed they couldn't get it done in an hour because they were too busy doing prints of digital photos...) Photo store prints will likely last longer than anything from an inkjet for that matter.
I've looked through various storage solutions, and come to the conclusion that nothing below enterprise grade tape is a reliable solution for digital files. So print a lot! Your memory is what ultimately makes photos worthwhile, and you don't need that many photos for your memory to fill in the rest.
While negatives are easier to store reliably than digital JPEGs/RAW files, you only get one copy. Prints are really the best of all: you get something which deteriorates slowly and gracefully, and you can have as many copies as you like. Any non-lossy storage on top of them is just a bonus.
I know it might sound silly, but I would try to keep some good samples of her DNA.
Your wife's DNA may contain some beneficial medical information for your daughters, and it may help them to have access to it later on. Further out there, you never know what we may be able to do with DNA in 20 years. It doesn't seem impossible that DNA could be used to generate 3D portraits of deceased people. Imagine if your grand daughters could someday move a slider around on a computer, and see grandma as a child, then move it again, and see how grandma might have looked had she lived to be 80 years old.
Sorry to hear about your situation, but you must be certain that death is an inevitable part of life. It is certainly sad that some people may go away earlier than expected, and we have this notion that a person may somewhat "live a while longer" as we keep their memories alive with us. After a loved one dies, mourning certainly is an important period to help us get over this fact. No matter how many pictures, videos or journals you make of a person while he/she is alive, nothing will replace the fact that this person is really gone. Fading memories are part of an essential process where we leave them behind and move on with our lives. We will certainly remember and honor our loved ones at their best and most marking moments. But holding on to so many specific details about their lives takes an incredible unnatural effort. The longer we try, the more difficult it becomes to remember specific details. And this is natural! The more we strongly hold on to a person after he/she is gone, the more difficult it will become to keep living. Please, don't understand me wrong. Unfortunately, that's how life goes on. It's hard, but inevitable. I hope you make the best or your time together. And my suggestion is "stop trying to record every detail of her life and spent more time with her as a family". Your own memories of this time together should be well enough to help you get over the hard period when she's gone. In the future, when you look back, anything else will just make you seem like "the guy behind the camera".
Julio Henrique Morimoto juliohm@gmail.com
Regrettably I must agree with my anonymous colleague. Looking for compassionate, helpful posts for a topic like this on ./ is like seeking legal advice on the WoW boards.
"As the intrepid kobold companion continues his journey, he begins to wonder... if priests raises dead, why anybody die?
Buy her a beautiful book and ask her to fill it with her life. Her story of her life told in her own way. There is nothing that matches the written word to connect with someone, and years down the line you and you daughters will want to experience that feeling of connection. It will hurt, but the stories and the details it contain will stir all sorts memories and emotions, but in some way, you'll feel together again for a while.
Marc
they last very long.
Digital stuff is going do die at some point - and you're wasting resources trying to preserve and migrate it every couple of years.
A print-out photo-book with some written comments of her is worth a 1000 videos.
Windows 2000 - from the guys who brought us edlin
the thing about pictures and video is that (a) they aren't memories, they're recordings, and (b) their production seriously colors the kinds of actual memories you are forming of your wife's last moments (e.g. 'ah yes, i fondly remember looking for battery charger and inserting new sd cards whilst my beloved was passing away.')
I think time capsules would be a great idea. If it were me, I would have her choose the contents of a time capsule each month. She would be the only one to know what's in it. Have her create a time capsule each month and the entire family can work together to bury it. After she passes away, open 1 time capsule each year. If she stays with you and the family for 24 months. That's 24 years of time capsules you get to discover and enjoy after she's gone. This will give her an opportunity to give you and the children a continue journey of life and discovery with her. Perhaps open them on a birthday, anniversary, or perhaps the date she crosses over.
Let's make like a bird... and get the flock outta here.
Make sure you all have good memories of the good old time and make the best of your remaining time. You may regret to have spent so much time in documenting her instead of travelling, etc. The best memories are in our head, not on a blog, a video or extensive picture book.
Tomorrow is another day...
I suggest doing castings of both of her hands.
Your wife should make sure to wear her favourite perfume regularly and buy some bottles for the girls -- put the bottles away until they get a little older. You could also take her pillow and blankets and put them in one of those plastic things that you vaccuum the air out of. Take the blankets and pillow out when one of the girls is feeling badly (after a bad breakup with a boyfriend, say) and let her curl up on the couch with them. If you reseal them in the bag every time, the smell should last quite a while...
Just some off the wall ideas but I can tell you that the thing I miss most about my wife is her smell...
Give a man a match: warm him for an instant. Douse him in petrol and set him aflame: warm him for the rest of his life.
Make sure you have an remote backup of everything digital and a safe local copy ie. not on windows machine that accesses the internet a lot. I recently had to help out a family who'd lost pretty much all of their family photos when once computer lost data. Also at the moment I'm setting up a linux machine for a lawyers office after they had a trojan go through and make a mess of their windows machines. Almost lost 12 years of documents. Either an online secure storage site or dvd's at a relatives house could save your data.If you go the dvd method, buy high quality discs.
When your wife does pass away, allow your girls to choose a couple of personal items of their mothers for themselves to remember her by. Things like hairbrushes or even a favourite jacket or jumper might help them through the grieving process and also help them to remember the personal everyday moments they had with their mother as they grow older.
sudo mount --milk --sugar
When my dad past away from a stroke 4 years ago, we barely even wanted to look at a picture of him just because of the sorrow that comes with him. Recording memories is is nice but when the grim reaper finally has his way, it just doesn't get any happier. Even today the thought of my dad coming up in a conversation strikes everyone to be quiet. He was a good man and all but just the consideration of death is something that should be avoided. In my opinion, the only thing you should keep around is something like a family photo in the living room or something. Overwhelming your kids with a lot of information about their deceased mother when they ask about her will make them wonder (for a very long time) how she was and that will always leave a blank spot of continuous doubt if she was exactly like that. Even a video can be deceiving of ones emotions to how someone really acts in reality.
My recommendation would be to not just focus on the senses of sight and hearing but also on taste, smell, and touch. If she cooks or bakes, make sure you get the recipes for the things she makes that you like best, so you can experience them down the road. Keep her perfume or detergent or shampoo around, so you can smell them after she's gone. Keep her favorite songs handy to listen to. If there are specific artifacts that remind you of her, place them prominently in your home, or give them to your daughters to hang onto. Engage all of your senses for a more complete memory.
heidi
Mr A C, My mom lost her mom when she was ten. One of the things that I am sad about, is the fact that she knows very little about her family such as, where they came from and who her relatives are/were. I have always wished I could have known more about her mom's family history. Perhaps you could ask her to recount her families history and record it as you see fit. On a further note, perhaps you could ask her to talk about her wishes and hopes for your children. Peace and Love
Check out Act One of this episode of This American Life.
Act One. Letter Day Saint.
Rebecca was 16 years old when her mother Elizabeth died of cancer. But before she died, she wrote letters to Rebecca, to be given to her on her birthday each year for thirteen years. At first the letters were comforting, but as time went on, they had much more complicated effects. David Segal tells the story. David is a reporter for The New York Times. (14 minutes.)
I only post comments when someone on the internet is wrong.
Nothing screams "there is no hope!" like running around with a video camera filming someone's daily routine (you probably have enough footage by now, anyway). The medical system may not have anything else to offer for someone with stage 4 cancer, but that doesn't mean there's nothing you can do. You should check out the following, and focus on improving your wife's chances of survival instead of assuming she's going to die:
Let her write letters for your children to open on special days in their lives (e.g., the days they get married). Save pictures of her from when she was healthy, so your kids can remember her that way. And be present in the rest of the time you have with her, and don't try to be a Leni Reifenstahl.
I work for an online memorial company, don't worry not a shameless plug though. One of the more popular thing people are doing on our site is recording their loved ones voice before they pass away. When my grandmother died I often wanted to hear her voice and now it had faded to where I can't even really remember what she sounded like. I know you said you've taken video but I'd recommend even just a short audio recording, ask her to say how much she loves you, then ask her to make one for each of your daughters as well. Once she passes you can take a moment throughout the day no matter where you are(I assume most people have mp3 players with them now, even if it's on their phone) and listen to it, reminding you of your wife and how much she loved you.
Probably the same type of person who would enjoy listening to "The Psycopathology of Everyday Life" by King Missle:
The Miracle of Childbirth
Family therapy, before she passes away. It will help keep the surviving family members together, and closer, after the passing. And it will help prevent long-lasting emotional damage in the children. Survivor's guilt and whatnot.
Professor Randy Pausch's last lecture.
This is a very interesting and moving lecture that he essentially put together for his children when he was dying of cancer.
Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by incompetence.
Sorry to hear on your wife's condition.
A year ago, a co-worker was given his last diagnosis after a year of chemo that just didnt work. His insides were just torn by cancer and he was given a few weeks left to live. A friend of his organized a campaign for anyone who worked with him, who knew him to make a video directed at him and at the 2 young daughters (2 and 4 year olds) and wife he was leaving behind. We all got together, had a private place to record and recorded some thoughts on him. The resulting video was given to him and his family. I dont know if he watched it but for my part I tried to give an impression of who this man I knew was and his influence on me.
It's not easy to ask people to sit down and do this but knowing the kind of people your wife had an influence on and capturing those memories may be another good way to preserve the essence of who she is.
.... ... }
int main (void) {
Agreed. Not exactly, but this comic says it as well. http://abstrusegoose.com/291
The only valid and correct response to the story's question, and it's modded flamebait?
Since when did /. turn into a blubbering bunch of weeping vaginas? This guy is only thinking of himself, not his wife.
He is a selfish son of a bitch and he's the one who should be rotting from the inside, not his wife.
My mother died 19 years ago leaving 5 children, the youngest of which was 7 at the time. Last weekend I was going through old papers and found a book of stories my mother wrote down for us before she died. She wrote about her memories from her own childhood, old family stories, and (our favorites) stories about us growing up. I still get choked up reading stories about her love for us, and, for me at least, these are my most cherished possession. She saved her writing to hard drive, but these have all been lost over the years. I only have the paper versions, so don't overlook keeping copies in as many formats as you can.
As for advice going forward, I can tell you what I would like to have from her. I wish we had video and pictures to go along with the stories. She never liked having her picture taken, but I wish she would have realized that they were not for her. I hope your wife will allow the intrusion of a camera even if it may not feel completely comfortable at the time. I could not have enough hours of audio/video recordings of her. I understand the warnings of previous posters who think living in the past is unhealthy, and I agree. I would just add that, every once in a while, usually on our mother's birthday, my sisters and I like to sit around and laugh and remember and drink and cry. It doesn't feel unhealthy, and we all wish we had more of her to look back on.
One last thought, if you will indulge me, is that all 5 of us turned out okay. We all miss our mother and remember her often, but we are happy, well adjusted adults. You cannot spare your children the anguish of losing a parent, but have faith that they will get through this. Good luck to you and your family.
My wife Sue was diagnosed with a Glioblastoma Multiforme (GBM) in November of 2005. She died in my arms just seven weeks later in January 2006. Even though we did almost everything together for the twenty years we were together, those last weeks we were literally inseparable. While we held hands where ever we went and shared hugs, kisses and "I love you"s everyday, since almost the day we met, we were most lucky to have those last few weeks together.
The last thing we shared before she fell asleep to never wake was a kiss and "I love you". In the end we were alone together. I held her in my arms, heard her last breath and felt her last heartbeat. I will never forget those moments.
I keep our photo albums and stuffed animals - we had no children or pets - and try to keep the house neat and tidy as she liked it. I still have her perfume and sometimes dab a little on my neck, close my eyes and remember those hugs and kisses. Every night, I tell her that I love her and wish her sweet dreams, as I always did.
Sue was a teacher, and in that spirit, donated her body to science. I sent letters to her relatives, friends and students and created a small website, mainly for them, with the story of her last few weeks and a few photos -- as an adjunct, I created a scrapbook each for her students and family. I reviewed her many boxes of teaching materials and books and donated most to her fellow teachers. Her school planted a tree in her name and I put a lock of her hair (from a baby book, when she was 3) down with the roots.
Probably the most lasting thing I did was have an ink stamp made that says "Remember Sue..." Every book I donated, to her school or charity, and every book I own has been stamped and I stamp the back of all my envelopes. If you ever that mark...
Remember Sue...
http://members.cox.net/slpuckett3/index.html
It must have been something you assimilated. . . .
http://www.viconrevue.com/home.html
originally developed by microsoft as the 'sensecam'
http://www.viconrevue.com/FAQs.html
Q. What is Vicon Revue?
A. Revue is a wearable camera which takes photos passively and unobtrusively when triggered by internal sensors. The photos it captures can be uploaded at the end of the user's day or after a specific event such as a wedding, holiday, birthday or day trip. Photos can then be viewed one by one or as a time lapse video. Revue is based on Microsoft's SenseCam technology.
every day http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
I have copious photos and am taking as much HD video as I can without being a jerk, so images and sounds are taken care of (and backed up securely).
I'm not going to go to the extreme of the parent, but it sounds like you are spending a lot of time trying frantically to freeze your wife forever. I'v never been through something like this, but maybe everyone would get more out of it if you just--i don't know--forget that she is dying and spend as much natural time with her as you can. Then you (and your kids) will have memories of Mom as she was when she was happy with her family, rather than hours of video with an elephant in the room.
Mod points: Guaranteed to remove your sense of humor.
Side effects may include gullibility and temporary retardation
People like you disgust me. It's bad enough that the OP is losing his wife without scumbags like you trying to bilk him out of money.
An SQL query goes to a bar, walks up to a table and asks, "Mind if I join you?"
The best thing I can think of is the "Last Lecture" of Randy Pausch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo
A woman I know had success with a product marketted as "alpha 20 C" by the Sunrider company. I do not distribute their stuff, but you can find people on the internet who do.
Another idea: buy curcumin extract and piperine. Give 20mg piperine, then in 15 minutes 400mg curcumin. Give 400mg curcuming with 10mg piperine every subsequent thirty minutes. Do this every day for seven days. I have personally done this, but not for cancer.
Also, consider trying Turkey Tail mushrooms. They are currently in research trials as an 'adjunct therapy' for advanced cancers.
Finally, try famciclovir and other anti-virals you can get your hands on. Scientists are starting to discover that many cancers (e.g. prostate) are caused by a virus (e.g. XMRV).
Without being overbearing, now is the time to ask questions and make a permanent record of memories she has of her childhood; her experiences are what made her the person she is today, and this type of thing will really help other family members understand her a bit better. And once the person has passed away, this is otherwise almost completely lost unless an old acquaintance takes pity on you (and that's really not something to count on.)
I put together one of the deepest family genealogy sites on the net for my family - many thousands of well researched individuals going back to the early 1500's - and if there's one thing I've learned, it's ask [whatever] before someone passes on, or you'll probably never know.
And you know what? People are usually pretty happy to tell you the story of their life; all you have to do is ask questions and be a good listener. From the standpoint of your kids and later descendants, just add making a record. If photos are involved, make sure you carefully associate the stories with the photos.
Also from a genealogical standpoint, make sure you know as much as she does about her family connections. This information is all too easily lost.
You say you're making HD video; I suggest you make some audio recordings too. We can't always be watching a display. You might have her read a favorite book or poetry, or something else that can be listened to long-term while you or whoever is doing something else. Also, people are often more comfortable off-camera, especially if they are debilitated.
I've fallen off your lawn, and I can't get up.
The last thing you want is your last memories of her always being from behind a lens. You will regret it. By all means, take photos and record things, but never at the expense of being there. Nothing can be as good as the memories - and she'll probably want to spend her remaining time with you - not being observed by you.
-- Lattyware (www.lattyware.co.uk)
My wife lost her grandmother a few years ago... here are the things she wishes she could have gotten from her before she passed:
The story of her life : her earliest memories, what she remembers of her parents and grandparents, her brothers and sisters. All this will be relevant to your daughters once they grow up a little more and have children of their own... they'll want to know more about their family background and characteristics... and a lot of that information on your wife's side of the family will be best delivered by her. If you do http://www.geni.com/ or any other genealogical mapping thing, that might be a good way to start filling in blanks.
It's a good opportunity to just set up the camera / recorder somewhere out of the way, and forget about it and have a pleasant discussion face to face. I'd even go so far as to recommend that you get a friend to conduct the autobiographical "interview", because people talk about different things to outsiders than to family... I've always found out more interesting things about my own family by listening to them talk about that kind of thing to strangers.
I've sure you can think of other interview questions, but here are a few to get started:
Have fun! Not everyone gets the opportunity to make peace and say goodbye...
Nope, I'm a fan of that group, and song, and have no desire to post such things....
0x09F911029D74E35BD84156C5635688C0
Get a 3d still camera, and a 3d vid camera. In days to come 3d will be more common and the advanced for it's time. The media you made will be standout, like color pictures from the 1930's. People will live very long compared to us in the coming generation, it will last a lifetime. A short audio recording of how much she loves them, the goals she hopes they will reach and other things will motivate and keep them on the path to a good life. May she have a quick and painless transition. Also, leave some quality DNA so they can clone her in the future if they are barren and want a daughter.
Save some of her clothes, her favs, both dress-up and casual, including shoes. Put em away well. The little girls will grow up and get to see and maybe wear some of mom's clothes later on. And especially the wedding dress. Who knows, one of them or a grand daughter might want to wear it when they get married. Oh, and her jewelry, you'll need to divvy that up later on when they are near-adults as well. Next, some of her fav books, stuff like that. Any hobbies she had, the creative stuff, keep a representative sample.
But don't make a mausoleum inside the house, don't go that far, and don't keep everything, donate it away. Eventually you will meet a new person, they will be uncomfortable if the whole house is a mausoleum dedicated to the person they aren't and never can be, if you get my drift..
Why do some people find all war disgusting?
Why do some people find pacifism disgusting?
Why do some people find communism disgusting?
Why do some people find capitalism disgusting?
Why do some people find blacks disgusting?
Why do some people find racism disgusting?
Why do some people find dark humour disgusting?
Why do some people find sympathy for strangers disgusting?
I'm not bothered by people being different. I'm only bothered when people will only question those who are different from themselves.
Personally, I don't care that much that the OP's wife is dying horribly of cancer. I am aware that there are millions of people dying horribly right now and I'd be a shaking wreck if I mourned as much for them all as each might deserve as an individual thinking, living human like me. This doesn't mean that I want his wife to horribly die or that I wouldn't support attempts to cure her disease. But I don't find anything sacred about the situation. I don't feel the need to extend my sympathies.
I'd rather focus my attention on solving the cause.
but I'll say it anyway. You asked for ideas, and this is one. I'll leave it to you to decide if it's a good one.
I've seen a tooth (that lasts close enough to forever) given to the children or grandchildren that is worn in a locket or kept in a box.
Samsung took back my unlocked bootloader because Google wants me to rent movies. They're both evil.
A close friend's wife passed away from stage 4 metastatic breast cancer earlier this year. He built a website based on stuff he had found (and things people sent him).
http://karinremembered.org/
As far as I know, he didn't go to any special effort to record things beforehand. The last few months of her life were very stressful, recording little details was the furthest thing from his mind. Remember the memories, use mementos as reminders, but as others have said, you should life the life you have left and afterwards, you'll need to keep on living, not obsessing over hours of footage.
In my short time on this planet I have lost a number of family members and friends. One of the most touching and comforting things is when I have received a small object that the loved one used in their everyday lives. From my grandmother I got a paper weight, from one grandfather I got a pocket watch, the other grandfather I got some hand tools. While I do not use these objects every day, when I do use them I am reminded of when I saw them used by my relatives and it triggers fond memories. I would suggest that each of your children get something they enjoy of your wife’s when she passes. Keep the photos and video for later in your children’s lives. I know looking at photos and videos right after someone has died can have a strange affect on people. Another thing you might want to do is write down what hobbies, music interests and other seeming unimportant things your wife likes. I was interested to find out my uncle enjoyed listen to The Doors and had a motorcycle and that my one grandfather had a small winery. Have your wife write stories about the kids, her meeting you, her time in high school or college, and other funny or important events in her life so they can be passed on. Most important, don’t force any of this on the kids, later when things don’t hurt as much they will want to know more about her. Share the photos and stories of her with them then.
have pre-teen daughters. I'm looking for innovative ideas on how to preserve memories of their mother and my wife so that years down the road we don't forget the things we all tend to forget about a person as time passes.
My father passed away very unexpectedly about 4 months ago, and I started thinking about my own children and what would happen if I happened to die suddenly.
;)
My oldest just turned 4, my youngest just turned 1, and I have a third on the way. My oldest remembers Grandpa, but it's obvious the memories are fading. My dad wasn't big on pictures--so we only had a handful (maybe 20) to choose from for the funeral. I have a few camcorder DAT tapes of him and the grandkids--but unfortunately the camcorder broke and I can't transfer them off to the computer.
Personally, I decided to buy a cheap webcam and use Cheese to record a short video every few weeks when my wife goes shopping. I talk about what the kids are doing, how I see them grow and mature. I take a few minutes to discuss 'big' events and my take on them like the gulf oil spill, elections, the economy, and projects at work. I also talk about decisions I have made and the good or bad outcomes with the idea that they will be watched after I'm gone. One somewhat recent example is that I had a woman proposition me. I explained the situation, how I declined even though it's likely that no one would have found out, what my marriage to my wife means to me as well as discussing integrity and honor. The goal--at least for me is to teach my children to grow up to be critical thinkers, with good morals, strong character, and integrity--even though I have to point out several instances where I failed. In the best case, you have videos to use as reference to write your memoirs when you're 80...
There's no place like
If I may suggest, try to think of and/or research as many of the questions that kids have as they move through childhood and into adulthood. Perhaps your wife can dedicate part of the limited time she has to being video-recorded answering those questions.
I'm not really a web designer, I just play one on the Internet.
I recommend dipping them in bullet-proof lucite!
With all due respect, the correct answer is carbonite. Please surrender your troll and geek cards on the way out.
I still cannot find the droids I am looking for...
Watch the movie "My Life" with Michael Keaton. It's a perfect blueprint for what you are trying to do. It's the story of a man diagnosed with terminal cancer right when he learns his wife is pregnant. His main concern is that his son knows who he was and isn't deprived of those life lessons only a father can teach his son (like how to shave). Your wife has a lot of those things she wants to be there for with your daughters (first kiss, first love, how to buy a good bra etc). The movie shows a simple and elegant solution.
Otherwise you may not only waste the time you have left with her, you may also make this time hell for her. This is not about you, the dying is done by her and she deserves all the support she can get doing it. This is a bit like those that are so intent on videoing the birth of their children that they miss out on the experience. Pretty stupid and reason for true regrets afterwards.
Most ACs are not even worth the keystrokes to insult them. Be generically insulted by this and ignored otherwise.
Have her where her clothing for a day or two, with no deoderant, and plastic bag it. Her scent might last a year or two.
But to be honest, at some point, you will need to move on. It will be healthy to have fond memories, but funerals are for the living to help let go, because everyone goes at some point. Living is about those around you, and the past shouldn't get in the way of the present - it's not good for anyone, and if she really loves you, then she'd want you happy after she's gone.
..........FULL STOP.
Cryogenically freeze her brain. There are several thousand terrabytes of data stored in the synapses of your wife's brain. The data is stored in physical structures that would almost certainly survive the freezing process. The civilization of the future will most likely be able to take her frozen brain apart atom by atom and recover most or all of that data.
Such a civilization would also be capable of rebuilding her into a working human being, although it's a philosophical argument whether such a being would be the same as your wife.
I'd say have your wife write an autobiography if she still feels up to it. My grandmother died recently and had a few years before written an autobiography to one of my cousins. My aunt typed up a digital copy for all of us. THAT was a wonderful thing to receive. I knew my grandmother for the last 30 years of her life. But, I had very little idea about the previous 60+ years. I imagine your daughters reading about their mom prior to their birth, or maybe even during the time they were very little too, would be a great memory to have.
Also, the funeral home we have used offers an online area at mem.com for loved ones who have passed. It includes some photos in a video form, some text about the person, a guestbook where friends can write things, etc. It was included in the entire package and is permanent (no monthly or yearly fees).
My mother died a little over a year ago. Photo's are great, but in my case the videos don't do a huge amount for me (although it is interesting to watch how she moved). My brother has her cell phone though, so when we call him we get her voice-mail message....I really miss that voice. Dad went through her travel diaries and typed them up so we all have a copy of those. That's nice because it records the way her mind worked in some of the happier times of her life. The smell of perfumes may also be important, coconut cream always reminds me of her and that phase happened when I was a very young child. Shopping lists, notes, and such are also important. Sometimes it is the way we do little things are say the most about how we were.
Beware of recording to much of her in her final stages. They need to remember her as she lived, not as she was dying. Good luck though. You are in for a rough ride and it will take a long time to regain some sense of balance.
I reserve the write to mangle english.
Backups backups backups... things tend to get lost in fires and such things so offsite is imperative.
Keep data in simple format... jpg... scanned pictures of her own handwriting
Burnt CD's with her direct voice in wav format.
Video... may be harder to keep "migratable" so keep the audio tracks separate and augument with simple jpg pictures just in case
And yeah don't forget to backup... and one more important thing BACKUP!!!
I would recommend recording or having her write out memories she has of old family stories of her ancestors, her parents, aunts, uncles, her childhood stories, all the information she has that will die with her. Once she is gone, you cannot get them back, unless you or she has recorded them somehow. Perhaps you have already thought of this, but if not, it is a way to capture and save for posterity a whole other side of your wife and mother.
First, my condolences. I cannot imaging the pain your family is facing.
Second, I will concur with other posters. Don't focus so much on preserving your wife into the future that you forget to make memories now.
That said, I am having my family do something proactively that might be of service. Particularly with my mother (who at 64 isn't exactly old yet, but anything can happen).
Write letters. I mean the hand-written kind. One for birthdays, graduations, weddings, first jobs, grandchildren, and other major events. It will be difficult to do, but tell your wife to mentally take a trip to the future. She's watched her kids grow up and now face an important life event. What would she like to say to them? Advice? Congratulations? Stories? I would suggest having your wife do this in chronological order, giving her the opportunity to mentally and emotionally age the kids and take a mental stroll through their future.
You didn't mention your children's gender, but if they are girls I would also suggest those letters cover some of the mother/daughter talks about growing up. Menstruation, first boyfriend, first kiss... you get the idea.
Video is good, but sometimes they are hard to watch. And, as others have already commented, letting go and letting time dull the memories is just as important as remembering. The past is a great place to visit, but you can't live there.
After you wife has passed, you will be her representative. She can't parent from the grave (apologies if that sounds cold) simply because there isn't a 2-way conversation. But at least with these letters she can share her most important thoughts directly with the kids... and give you a starting place.
http://storycorps.org/
You can reserve a time to talk with her about her life and sharing it with you.
After my wife's father died a year ago, she asked her mother for one thing of his... a gold charm he worn on a necklace for most of her life.
She has not taken the pendant off since she got it and it has helped her not only to cope with his loss, but also provides comfort to her in rough times. I often find her grabbing it and holding it when under stress or when a memory of her father comes to mind. I find this type of memory to honestly be more therapeutic than any picture, video, or "digital" keepsake. It is something physical, substantial, and with that person at all times, which makes one tend to feel as though that deceased person is with them in the hardest of times.
If your wife does not have anything like this, there are options to make jewelry from her remains or other DNA. I'd consider it if I had the money to do it as it will last your daughters their entire lives (assuming it is never lost).
I hope this helps you.
Put up a few cameras around the house.
Let those take the video. Not you. Otherwise all the video you take will be a) missing you and any interaction your wife would have with you, b) canned - as people react differently with a camera in their face.
Let the mounted cameras record. Then you can show your kids what it was like in a much more real sort of way. When we have cameras, we record what we believe are key moments. But if you just let the camera play, it'll record the little things. These are things you won't notice now. But will remember when she's gone.
Let it film "all of your lives together"
Just when you think you've heard the most sickening thing, somebody comes along and shows you graphically ...you were wrong...
THANK YOU, Edward Snowden!! Americans owe you a debt of gratitude (whether they know it or not..)
Alot of you have gone off topic from his initial request. He didn't ask what he and his wife should do to preserve the times they have. He asked in what ways he can preserve them. So let's stay on topic and let's not tell him how to run his own ship.
One of the non-digital things that comes to mind is food. I'm sure you might have thought of this but if not this could be great for your daughters. Try to learn every dish your wife has ever made down to the T, be it bad or good. If your daughters knew how thier mother cooked they could always have that with them (be it if she was a bad or good of a cook.)
A more modern step, one that your somewhat doing is making a birthday video blog for you and your kids. Try and have your wife create short birthday video blogs for each birthsday (if it isn't to much work for her). It gives your kids the feeling the every birthday, mom is here. (I'd say 25 would be an appropriate age to stop making the blogs. But that's up to you guys however far you want to take it.)
I personally think your on the right path with using technology to preserve your wife. It's a great to express your love and it's almost a new step in a way to remember our loved ones. It's not new that we make videos of loved ones past, but making a collection of different means. Take all the good ideas that people have post this far and soon after to create an even better memory experience for you and family without making your wife feel sad or the time is drawing near. However I know you already understand that.
Enjoy her time be digitally, physically or emotionally. Just do what you think is right. God bless.
I lost my mother from a cancer about 9 years ago... And I still miss her and I'm still crying at some times... For example, when my son was born (she would have liked so much to know him).
But I would NOT recommend you to take any step to preserve her memories... Because all that you'll do will be artificial, it won't be her.
You'll have to move on, be ready to be grieving for about one year, the time needed to hit each anniversary and special dates... And it'll be the same for your daughters. And you'll have to help your daughter going through that, by having they think about something more happy (you may talk with them about the good times before the illness then go on to good times they can have with you (their dad) now).
Creating a "sanctuary" is probably the worse thing that you can do... My only advice would be to enjoy all the moments that you can still enjoy with her, try to have some good time during these grim moments...
Except for her last weeks, my mother was on chemiotherapy... We changed your life to adapt to her cycle... 1 week ill, 2 weeks tired and 1 week when she was feeling well. We didn't celebrate birthdays and other on the official date, we learned to celebrate them during that good week. And we had quality moments in family during these weeks.
Don't talk or think about her death, it won't bring anything good (well, to be a little cynic, you could get run over by a car tomorrow and die before her), try to enjoy all what you can.
Also, keep in mind that by taking photos and videos, you're making memories of her illness, not of the good time BEFORE her illness... And even if memories fade away, the most important won't disappear...
Find the nicest picture of her BEFORE things went bad, and put it NOW in a good place in your living room, if possible among other pictures of the family. Even better, find a picture where you're all together. By doing it now, while she is still there, you won't be making a "sanctuary" but displaying family pictures... It'll help to remember without linking it to the "souvenir" (sorry, I'm french-speaking) of when she died.
You may forget her voice, you won't forget her words. You may forget her face, you won't forget that you loved her smile/hair/... You may forget the last moments, you won't forget the happy one. No need for a time capsule for that...
When I was reading the summary I was thinking "i hope the OP is reading at at least +2 because this is going to suck". For some reason slashdot has been giving me everything (eg not filtering out -1's and 0's) these days and this one has sure brought out the worst in people.
Some people have a dark sense of humour and get through things by making jokes about it. I get that but it's nothing like what's going on here.
Learn to let go of what you cannot hold onto.
Live the moment.
To document:
Relive the time you dated. How you got together. The decisions you made together. The first car, apartment, ...
For right now:
Ask your wife. She will know what is important.
Talk about what is going to happen. Kids and parents.
The NewYorker about terminal illness:
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2010/08/02/100802fa_fact_gawande?currentPage=all
I agree here. I lost my father when I was 21 in a car accident - my whole family (mother and 2 sisters) were in the car and he was the only one injured.
Spend time with your wife. Let your children experience her as the naturally do. Drop the camera and live the moment. Take pictures when you would if you didn't have the knowledge. The reality of the recording media can sometimes dilute the memory. I'm sure some of the memories of my father did not happen the way I remember - but they are my memories and I look back at them fondly when I think of my father. I'd rather remember the memories fondly rather than potentially have a "digital archive" show me that it really didn't happen the way my memories recorded them (or potentially having my current view of life polluting the memory.)
We as human beings have survived many many hundreds of years without digital archives. We remember or ancestors. You don't want to look back and think - "I should have been on the other side of that camera."
in the reverse situation where it was he who had metastatic cancer.
Sorry for you and your family, but if there are any insights to be learned from Alex's blog, I refer you to it here: http://akaran.wordpress.com/category/the-fight/
To-do List: Receive telemarketing call during a tornado warning. Check.
Not really. The whole idea sucks. Preserve your memories by spending time CREATING memories. This is about as useful as travel or wedding pics - nobody wants to see more than half a dozen at one sitting.
I think there's something special about drawing, even if you're terrible at it. If you sit down and really look at someone, and try to copy every feature of their face exactly (not circles for eyes and a triangle for a nose, but really look and try and draw what you see and forget what it comes out like.) I think that drawing someone is different to taking a picture, I think you really see them when you do it.
I remember drawing my grandmother a few years before she died, she posed for me but she kept falling asleep and I said "granny!" and she'd apologize and put her head up again. Now when I see that drawing I see details that I never managed to draw, I go right back to the moment I was drawing her.
I remember watching a video about a man with cancer and his wife. Randy Pausch of "The Last Lecture". They said they just had to enjoy their time together (A matter of months) they tried not to think about it and every time it would come into her mind she would say this mantra of "Not helpful" and just try to be happy.
Anyway my heart goes out to you and my thoughts are with you, I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling.
it's under construction
Cancer is seldom genetic.
Although it can be, I would start looking into the reasons why your wife got cancer. Identify the cause, and then determine a response.
That little thought alone, could do your children a lot more good than you think.
Pictures and video although sentimental, are really not practical items. Something triggered the cancer, and if your wife isn't the classic smoker, or binge drinker I suggest you investigate.
Your own life and your childrens could be saved if you knew the cause.
-hack
Got Geometrodynamics? Awe, too hard to figure out? Too bad.
The asker mentions "backed up securely", but I have to wonder if that's onsite or off (I know from personal experience with a housefire). Your mention of Carbonite (even though it may not have been intentional) is a good one, though I tend to recommend CrashPlan by code42. I have used both, and personally feel much better about CrashPlan ( They've an added extra in that they support other backup destinations beyond the just their site). As always, do your research, and find one that suits you, but I find that I can't go wrong with the $100 a year CrashPlan family plan, unlimited backup of my households computers. Anyway, I'm sorry for your situation, and wish you the best of luck with what may come. Oh, and don't let a good offsite backup lull you into not keeping a decent onsite backup - redundancy is the name of the backup game. And forgive this post if you're already doing offsite backup.
"Gratuitous complexity is akin to chaos" - True Vox
hours of video with an elephant in the room
bring in some kids to play with the elephant, and you have yourself a youtube hit!
weinersmith
I'm actually very surprised at the compassion shown in the responses. My heart goes out to you, I understand the struggle to document the love you feel for your wife for posterity's sake. Try not to document the anguish you all feel - those memories will last a lifetime all by themselves.
If you spend all your time worrying about "preserving her memory" instead of enjoying and getting the most out of your time left with her, you will regret it for the rest of your life. I've had two friends lose their spouses to cancer and they both made the same mistake. They got so caught up in "I gotta record this!" and "oh wait I have to get the camera!" and all that, they ruined all of those special moments by reminding themselves of what was coming.
My advice: live the moments while you're in them. Don't ruin them by trying to save them for later.
You'll find the right balance. My dad died when I was young. Before grade one. Relatives tried to archive him with the tech of the day -- audio tapes, photos, etc. But I don't have anything but his watch.
I have many memories of doing yard work with him or sitting on the back steps going over the financial pages of the newspaper. Probably one of the few four year olds who knew what a P/E ratio was -- knowledge that served me well in the dot com bubble, I might add.
I may not have a photo of him, but feel connected to him following the markets, doing maths or working in the yard.
My wife is sick too, although she's not likely to die from this Thing any time soon. She was looking over my shoulder while I was reading this and came up with these suggestions for the girls as they grow up. First, can your wife make anything? Craft small things they can wear or carry, especially on their wedding day, like something to go on their wrist or on the dress. Maybe booties or blankets for grandchildren, that sort of thing. If she isn't a craft person, even buying one and then just adding something small to it to make it personal. Record her voice. Pictures will remain, but it's hard to remember the sound of her voice as she's telling that god awful joke she likes so much.
My best wishes and prayers to you and your girls as you go through this.
Even for free it is still wrong to give someone false hopes with pseudoscientific bullshit.
In my experience most Kooks charge a substantial fee for their remedies. Perhaps there are some who give it away for free, but even then I would be suspicious as to how genuine they really are. No such thing as a free lunch and all that.
An SQL query goes to a bar, walks up to a table and asks, "Mind if I join you?"
Can't say much beyond this. I truly feel for your loss-to-be, although I won't even pretend to understand how you feel (and how you will feel when the time comes). I have lost loved ones but not a wife, and every situation is unique. From my experience the best memories are the ones in your heart; anything extra is usually just an aid. The word 'memories' pretty much says it all.
My recommendation is that you cherish every moment you have left together rather than wasting precious time on recording it, but I'm not in your situation and can't realistically give accurate advice. It is an outsiders perspective though and it's up you to evaluate it's worth and act upon it. If you feel what I'm saying is worthless you should have already stopped reading.
May I echo the value of this. Smell dominates memory, and this will be likely be amplified in your children if your wife and yourself are also sensitive to smell. Make the clothing a special pick between Mom and each of the girls. Have Mom wear and perfume the clothing multiple times. Include top-grade air tight storage for each of these gifts.
Alongside the various other suggestions here, I'd add: ask your wife how _she_ wants to be remembered, if you have not already.
My sympathies for you and your family.
I think the first thing you need to do is stop and assess your own emotions over this situation and how you are reacting to it. Your wife is living with a terminal illness, and you are feeling absolutely helpless about her condition. On some level, I think that your obsession over preserving her memories is an attempt to find something in this situation that you can control and focusing on that rather than the situation itself.
This project is in a sense insulating you, but its counter-productive.
Put down the cameras, the microphones, and reconnect with your family.
Next, change your mindset. Your wife is not dying of cancer; she is living with it. Dying is that brief moment in time from when your heart stops beating, until your brain stops caring. Your wife isn't there yet, and now more than ever you need to live in the moment and concentrate on finding whatever joy and happiness that your family can experience today. and the next, and however many more days you get.
The sooner you can acknowledge this subconscious panic you are in, the sooner you'll be able to bring it under control.
--- Generation X: The first generation to have SIG lines inferior to their parents... ---
Of course it's good to create memories but it is also important to preserve them. Just because YOU don't want to sit down and look at wedding photos doesn't mean that child who's lost their parents at an early age won't want to when they're more mature than you are. If they don't then fair enough, the effort was made but if they do and the effort wasn't made - what then? Pretten kids aren't mature or old enough to make the kinds of memories they might like, better to try and preserve things in case later on they decide they care - most of us would.
I'm about to lose my mother to cancer, so last week my fiance and I decided we'd get married this Saturday (instead of October) so she could still remember it and she knows she'll be able to make it.
One of the things I just realized today, is that the things that Mom that will stay with me are the things I have directly from her. She taught me to knit and sew (and do other crafty things), and I plan on using some of her quilting fabric at home to make a quilt for ourselves, as she is unable to anymore.
I also have some church cookbooks from the church she attended with her recipes in there (and a reproduced one from the 50's with my Grandma's recipes in there).
Are there hobbies or skills that your wife does that the kids can learn from her?
http://tinyurl.com/38hxetj
I fucking HATE people like this, trading on desperation. They remind me of the Laetrile wackos in the 70's and 80's. It's no more legitimate than the frantically dying who spend their last few pennies going to Lourdes, or giving money to "doctors of healing of the Lord." My wife's mother did this when my wife was 12 and her description of the outright robbery by the assholes who run the place and the surrounding "guesthouses" made me nauseous.
He claims "in vivo" success, then spouts some BS anecdotal "I've seen miraculous Stage 4 cures" rubbish. You have proof of in vivo success in properly executed peer reviewed studies? Post the links or STFU. I'll bet you aren't interested in naysayers. Just the desperate with a checkbook.
He describes theoretical, early-stage research which MAY, one day, have some use, after it is peer reviewed and proven legitimate. Right now, I see nothing but the most early suggestions of biochemical ideas, and FAR from any "unified theory" by biochemists. That's just silly.
This boob is simply suggesting a variation on the long-discredited Induced Hypoglycemic Therapy bullshit, and doing it in a really inappropriate place. Hey Sparky, if low sugar starved cancer cells, why aren't diabetics cancer-free? BTW, neurons starved of glucose die way before any other cells. "Avoid sugar, not just HFCS." Pfffft. IHT is DANGEROUS.
Posting rubbish like you did in this thread is fucking ghoulish and if there is any real karma, you just burned a whole lot of it.
"The pie shall be cut in half and each man shall receive.....death. I'll eat the pie."
If she's able to do it, spend as much time as you can doing things as a family. My father died when I was 4. I couldn't tell you his approximate height or weight, but I can tell you that he taught me how to play chess. I can tell you that he carried me around on his shoulders.
Pictures are OK. Video is OK. There is just no substitute for making new memories with someone.
Sad as it may be, even if she weren't ill, one day she would die. One day you will die. One day I will die. Nothing we can do will change that, but we can spend time with the people we love and who love us and make as many good memories as we can. You don't want all of your children's memories to be about preparing for mommy's death. Give your children the chance to keep their mother alive in their memories. Good memories. When I'm long gone, I hope that my kids will tell their grandchildren about all of the fun that we had together.
LK
"Hi. This is my friend, Jack Shit, and you don't know him." - Lord Kano
I'm at stage 2 and my brother is at stage 3. I want to tell you, put the cam away and just bake out. seriously. Never mind what it takes to make you happy; instead what does it take to make her happy? Chances are, it isn't digital.
C|N>K
Your daughters and grandchildren will find more value in your wife's diaries than all the HD video you could record.
35mm film costs $0.15 per frame.
Which is good if you are shooting seconds per frame, not so good at frames per second.
I'm not interested in any nay sayers or claims of quckery. I'm just not interested.
Neither is any quack or pseudoscientist.
whereas our cells use atp for energy, cancer cells use sugars directly.
And this is the biggest pile of bullshit wrong science I have read in a while. "Sugar" is just a generic term for saccarides like glucose, fructose, galactose, etc (or polysaccarides made up of these). Yes, a recent study has shown that pancreatic cancer (and NOT all cancers) can process *fructose* as well as glucose (unlike normal cells, which only metabolize glucose, leaving most fructose metabolism up to the liver). Either way they go through the Krebs cycle and generate ATP and NADH. Cancer cells are still human cells. They need to use the same cellular mechanisms to replicate, and those processes use ATP as a co-enzyme.
Sigh. I can't believe I am even bothering to correct you. The fact that you posted this has clearly shown no ability as a scientist or as a decent human being, so I doubt it is going improve either of those deficiencies...
This was the subject of my wifes honors in the major thesis at UCF.
http://explorer.cyberstreet.com/CET4970H-Peterson-Thesis.pdf
This might also touch on one somewhat accepted (how true? - hey, take what you want from it) observation about memories and time perception, BTW. When life gets monotonous (hence also not many memories to speak of; going too far with preservation efforts might push things somewhat towards that area...), it drags on while it unravels...but seems to be a blink of an eye when looking back.
Filling it with experiences tends to make it seem like it flashes by, OTOH. But it's suddenly so full, so long, when remembered.
Take your pick.
One that hath name thou can not otter
I'm dealing with a loss of my mother as well. I tried doing video recordings, but the problem I faced was that they weren't terribly candid. My mother was always a camera whore however, so in one sense it was natural for her to seek and find the camera in the room, then play up to it; in another sense I was never able to capture the candid moments when mom was just being herself.
The OP has likely weighed the worth of capturing the last moments of his wife's life, knowing full well how painful the moments will be (the visual effect of her illness, etc.).
I recommend creating new memories and documenting those with recordings. Go out, take a day trip. These things need not be expensive. Record yourself spending time together be alive and not merely acting. Write letters to each other. Share old memories, remind each other of your life spent together. A written letter, not some blog entry that only exists digitally, will have more value. Create physically tangible pieces of memory, be it toys you buy each other, or polaroids you shot of each other. Things you can hold, things that don't require a computer, will mean a lot to you.
The point of all this is to create new memories that don't anchor you or her to the illness. Make the illness a non-issue.
As for preserving old memories. I recommend that any video or audio you have be archived losslessly to very durable storage medium. I recommend digital tape. Even my old VHS analog tapes have proven more durable that things written to DVD-R. But do keep copies on more easily consumable mediums such as flash cards and DVD-Rs. For photos, I recommend developing your photos, archiving lossless originals as above, and then keeping high quality JPEGs for easy digital access. For personal belongings, I use durable plastic containers that can be sealed. Zip-loc bags are useful too.
The point here is you'll find yourself wanting to archive a lot of diverse materials. Being Slashdot, we immediately think about media, but there's other things too like stuffed animals, christmas ornaments. etc. A wide variety of things. Also, I recommend photographing those things. I would also digitally scan letters and other documents. Save things from your outings. I have movie tickets. They bring back a lot of memories.
It's a lot of heartbreaking work. At the moment, I can't even look at the material I've collected, but I know someday I will want to revisit it.
If she's up for it, hand her the tools and let her take her own videos, photos, and so on, of you and your kids, friends and family, favorite places, things, etc. Let her show the world what is meaningful to her. That can preserve her memory on an entirely different level.
Also, digital ephemera could be interesting in the future, so preserve a copy of her hard drive. Bookmarks, photos and videos she's downloaded, e-mails, etc. etc. etc.
On the analog side, a box of mementos, bits and pieces of her life that she used all the time like her driver's license, passport, favorite perfume, a bottle cap from her favorite drink, business cards, address book, the old iPod, and so on.
But as mentioned before, don't go overboard. Attaching significance to everything she owns is a one-way ticket to hoarding. Try to limit it to a single box of stuff - whether that's a shoe box or a storage bin. Donate, give away, and recycle everything else. Unless that VHS copy of "Beverly Hills Ninja" she bought is her favorite movie off all time, it can go.
Good luck.
.
Prisencolinensinainciusol. Ol Rait!
Perhaps one of the breakthrough treatments will work before she passes. There are a lot of people that doctors have given up on that live on for a decade or more.
About the memories, I suggest that you consider that for many people forgetting acts as a buffer against pain and a bit of forgetting may help more than too much remembering. After a year or two or three your daughters should not remember their mother in their daily thoughts on some days. Other days are a bit more reflective. But none of us could get along well if we dragged our ghosts around with us too much.
I hope things go better than expected for you and your wife and family.
By all means preserve what you can, but I'd like to relate a personal anecdote.
I'm an old guy, born a little after WW2. My father was a child of the depression. During WW2 he was trained to be a photographer's mate in the navy. Afterwards he worked in civil service, but moonlighted as a photographer, usually a wedding photographer, during my childhood years. He was very good at it. (Maybe that excellence of training is how we won the war.) Later he taught me both photography and darkroom techniques.
Just once I accompanied him on a wedding shoot, when he had injured his hand and needed someone to help carry equipment, and I learned something about the paradox of wedding photography. In a formal wedding, the photographer is the second most important individual perhaps after the clergy, but has a lot more effect of the proceedings. The wedding photographer must create and preserve a permanent stylized record of the _perfect_ wedding, while not getting in the way in the process of the _perfect_ wedding. That means staging and composing the _perfect_ record of the wedding party, and the various stylized posed events of the ceremony, while not leaving anyone with the perception that the entire event is being staged entirely for the purpose of its photographic record. This is difficult to achieve.
I still don't know how he accomplished this with a young, tense wedding party, but accomplish it he did. My father was not well educated (I, on the other hand, have been a college professor) but he sure knew a lot. I can only explain to myself in that I did not live through the depression, so I cannot understand.
But anyway, I can offer this advice. Since your children are old enough to remember what will happen during your wifes remaining lifetime, let them remember that as naturally as they can. By all means digitally record what your can, but don't let the process of that recording distort the experience they can have with their mother during her remaining time. Achieving this is a skill you don't have opportunity to learn, so when you are unsure, let life happen instead of recording it. They will remember!
Best wishes for all of you.
I am dying of relapsed Ph+ Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. I'm 32 and will likely die within months. Leaving my beautiful wife and just turning 4-year old daughter. I have dealt with a lot of death in my life and have no problems accepting the reality of my situation. I have planned well for this possibility, and my wife and child are well cared for finanacially and emotionally through a strong network of family and friends.
My question is what do I leave for my 4-year old daughter. She is to little to commit a lot of last moments to memory as some of the older people who have suffered loss are able to. What legacy should I leave for her besides the promise of a secure future and a good education. What did those that lost parents at such a young age find important as they got older. What did you find the most meaningful items/memories/tapes/video, I'm wide open to ideas.
My old blog that I haven't updated in a long time. Probably worth a few final posts to talk about the other rounds of chemo, the bone marrow transplant and subsequent relapse. Anyway that is not important, I just want to know what people found meaningful from a parent that passed when they were young, and may not have a lot of long term memories developed.
Thank you.
I wish there was a fscking blue pill
I don't think anyone is asking or expecting you to grieve over the situation. And yes, some folks do like dark humor and other folks abhor it.
Some folks like dead baby jokes. I don't, but if that's their bent and they like telling those jokes among themselves, that's fine. But if they walk up to someone who has just lost a child and tell it, I expect someone to punch the asshole in the face. They'd deserve it.
This is a similar time. Someone in a bad personal situation has come asked for advice, and some assholes are joining in a topic about the problem and posting the equivalent of the dead baby jokes. They are the the same asshole.
The poster may just be the follower/believer of a Quack Doctor, not a Quack Doctor himself. After all, for Quack Doctors to make money scamming people, they'd need a number of believers already.
Fair point. Perhaps I was too quick to judge the poster.
An SQL query goes to a bar, walks up to a table and asks, "Mind if I join you?"
Epitaph's seem to have gone out of fashion. It's a very old way for a person to say, "I was here. I mattered."
However, your wife can think of one, possibly. Hmm, come to think of it, I should be thinking of one for myself. Probably something from the Flying Dutchman, or an episode of Futurama. (I am nothing if not trite.)
"MIT betrayed all of its basic principles."
I'm not looking for insightful comments from a focused group of individuals who have been through this. There's plenty of that. I am asking a group of people in a community I have long lurked/participted in. Of course I understand the responses are going to run the gamut, but I usually find there is a post or two that are insightful that are from members of a community I obviously must feel reflects me in some manner. So your responses were expected along with the many other types of responses that make this community what it is.
I wish there was a fscking blue pill
One lady at a Buddhist temple I go to is involved in a Multi-Level Marketing scheme involving magnets. However, I have no doubt that she really believes in them. She suggested a rather expensive magnetic mattress for my father, who is also having issues with cancer.
(As in he has it, and it is serious.)
She's a kind hearted old lady, but totally deluded.
I mentioned the magnets to my Dad, and we both had a good laugh about them. "Magnets, how do they work?" or just melodramatically "Magnets!" It's a great way to pass the time while he deals with the side effects of the chemotherapy.
Watching The Prisoner with him tomorrow (the original, of course). That should be fun.
"MIT betrayed all of its basic principles."
Perfect people don't exist -_-
Recipes for USA bankrupt - http://tinypaste.com/0d66f dd = dollar deluge (printed in the infinity)
Simple suggestion.
Touch and taste and smell are emotions you'll never be able to replace. Sound and sight are easy. Does your wife have a favorite flower or perfume? Try to incorporate those things (particularly a flower or food perhaps) in the time your kids spend with your daughter (you too!) Those associations simply can't be replicated.
Also, if your wife has the strength to physically write with a pen on paper, try to see if she has it in her to write some letters directly to your daughters.
"It's not stealing if you don't get caught!"
First, my sympathies. I know such a situation would tear my heart out. Bonded is bonded. It ain't coming apart easily or painlessly.
Second, it might sound callous/insensitive/... but your wife needs to think about her replacement and the [separate] instructions she needs to give you and your daughters.
I _know_ this is the last thing on your mind, but failing to address this in time will lead to uncertainty and conflict down the road. A time will come ... (perhaps several years away)
Finally, don't let anyone tell you "a man cannot do it". I've been a single parent (one son, one daughter) and it isn't easy, but it is do-able. Single moms do raise kids. It actually was tougher when they were younger and I knew I had to be more nurturing than is my natural style. So I was. When they got older (8+) it became progressively easier, and unlike most single moms, I had _NO_ unexpected trouble with them as teenagers. Both are in college now.
This example show how human life is short and fragile.
Recipes for USA bankrupt - http://tinypaste.com/0d66f dd = dollar deluge (printed in the infinity)
Hmm, I'd probably make some kind of complicated puzzle (or set of puzzles) for her to solve, with a "map" leading to "some buried treasure." (I don't literally mean a treasure map to pirate gold. Too much chance the professional treasure hunters would get involved.)
Lot's of stuff written by me along the way, and just difficult enough that she'd be working on it for a while.
Obviously, the treasure should be something somewhat valuable but probably more for sentimental value than real money.
The fun is in the trip, not the destination. I guess I always dreamed of being Hari Seldon. (Oh, and speaking of Seldon, probably you'd want some way to reveal steps to her over the years automatically if she started falling behind. Not sure how I'd do that.)
Now, my grandmother gave me my grandfather's beloved train set. Unfortunately, I got it way to young, and even if it hadn't been a problem for me I have a much younger sibling who went through a "Destroy Everything" phase. So that's just a regret.
"MIT betrayed all of its basic principles."
I was rather close to my grandmother who died over a decade ago. The first year after she died I wrote to my entire family with several detailed stories of her that I had from childhood. Things I looked at which always brought a smile to my face. One of them was her sneaking a particular brand of cookie to me when no one was looking. As a child this was always the hidden fruit of the tree to me. We both were "being bad" by doing it but without ever speaking about it the stolen fruit event always happened. She'd even cover for me as I flitted away to eat the cookie. I blame my chocolate addiction on her. I sent a package of these cookies to each person who got the letter and told them to savor the taste. The very hint of smell of them still brought her back to me standing there stealing a cookie for me as I stole a moment of the past.
You have so little time left with your wife. I cannot agree more that yes you may want to preserve the end, but you're missing an opportunity to say good bye. Don't photograph or vid everything. Do it sparingly. Make those hard copies be monuments, not cliches. Have her write when no one is a around, a thing that she held and touched will mean so much more to the girls than an impartial observation. And have her, without you or them around, vid her advice and motherly pearls to be opened later. Don't soil the sanctity of that type of thing by making more of it. Honor her future advice by letting it stand alone.
She could also write a story that goes with say... 10 objects from her past. Perhaps 10 for each child? Let her pass on the evidence of her past with the memories that were held dear to those things. But most importantly spend each day enjoying the time you have left.
From the Gilgamesh epic we are told that when he reached the gods and woke them they scorned him not for waking him, but for abandoning his life. He wanted immortality and they denied him saying: "...what you seek you will not find. For when the gods created man they let death be his lot. Go and delight in the embrace of your wife when you return and hold your child to your heart, these alone will bring man happiness."
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4516989
If I were you, I'd start coming up with lists of questions that only she would know the answers to. Ask her relatives and friends to come up with questions, some silly, some serious. The more specific the questions, the more specific the answers - more general questions to get her to tell long winded stories that will capture her essence. Ask what you'll want to know ten years from now. Have your kids ask questions. Who knows, some of the answers might come in handy during junior high and high school when social problems are so vexing for kids :)
http://www.accountkiller.com/removal-requested
Thats exactly what i thought. The original poster should be careful in finding the right balance. I understand his wish to record anything in HD, but the most important thing is what his wife thinks and wishes. I on my behalf would not like be recorded constantly while dying, even the less if i would have kids; i would rather prefer to write something down for them which can help them to remember me when they wish. Also one needs to think about the future life - as bitter and distant the thought may be. Building a picture of the mother which never fades for the children may affect their ability to adopt to the new situation. Sure, you can take enough video material that you can watch another movie each day - and start over when you are finished. Think if you really want that.
Regarding remembering ancestors and family members who died, i actually like the Japanese traditions - obon is a very bright and happy festival. What i also like is that there is actually a sequence of times when to hold memorial services - (depends on the local traditions, but e.g. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thirteen_Buddhas); what i like about it is that it gives guidance to reduce the number of visits, which decrease with time. One should also mention Japanese houses may have a small shine, which as far as i understand also serves the memory of the ancestors.
That being said, i wish the the original poster and his family the strength to go through this hard time.
Spend time now talking about things that you don't usually talk about. Talk about the way she says certain words, and what she means by them. Everyone has their way, and it is a great thing to know about them, how they feel when they say a certain thing a certain way. Often it is what we imitate of each other, in a way making a part of the other a part of ourselves.
-1, Troll? Scamming accusations?
I have no information one way or the other on what this poster says. But there's no indication in the post -- rather the contrary -- that he/she is selling anything.
The thinking here seems to be that anything that isn't already accepted by the medical consensus can't possibly be true. How people convince themselves that we already know everything about the human body, despite the extensive evidence to the contrary, never ceases to amaze me.
I'm not asking anyone to accept what this person says. I have no idea whether I would accept it, on examination. But modding the comment into oblivion, and accusing him/her of attempting to bilk the OP, reflects a closed-mindedness that is sad, arrogant, and, frankly, stupid.
Your god may be dead, but mine aren't!
Please see my reply to the parent post.
Your god may be dead, but mine aren't!
The written words will get more powerful as the children get older. Videos are nice, but this is an opportunity (that's a bad choice of words, given the situation) to speak to the descendants.
Best wishes, I hope things work out OK.
My sympathies to you and your family.
I hate to say this, but there is a reason why memories fade with time. It helps us through the grieving process and to look forward to the future.
My thought is that whatever you do, keep it simple. An audio recording is just as good as video, perhaps better, as it seems more intimate. Just tell stories, how you met, favorite places, etc. Don't get hung up on the technology, it only gets in the way. Also, try to stay away from recording advice. I know that this is hard to do as you both want the best for the kids, but good advice requires context, something that can't be anticipated.
David
There is little time left. Fortunately it is August and those in North America have the beach. For many, there is something surreal about watching a sunset over the water. It is an experience that crosses many personal divides. Spend what time you have left smiling my friend, you will thank yourself later.
apt-get install redhat please god - Me (take it easy, I love Debian)
You need to focus on what she would have said had she lived longer. What was she like with her parents as a teenager. Her favorite memories as a child. What it was like raising her daughters. These are all things her daughters would be asking her about later in life. They already know what she's like now. What would he advice be for them raising their own daughters? Any advice about which boys to avoid? Sports she played in high school? There's a lot they will have wanted to know about her.
About PH levels. It's not a bad idea generally to make your body less acidic, and doctors recommend you do this through foods: fruits and veggies lower acidity. But there are people out there marketing alkaline water. I looked into it myself, and from what I've read, it's a sham. Alkaline water doesn't seem to lower the acidity of the body, nowhere near as effectively as eating fruits and veggies does. I understand Kurzweil drinks nothing but alkaline water, and he's over 60 now, and has lived longer than his father and grandfather did. Apparently his family is big risk for cancers. Still, there's no science that shows that alkaline water helps, yet at the moment, it's a big miracle product.
There are writers/editors who provide a biography service: they'll come over and talk about the past and write it all down. This helps you relive your memories while the biography is crated, and you get a limited edition biography to boot, that you can give to friends and loved ones.
Never underestimate the power of stupidity
To err is human, to moo bovine
I'm surprised not to have seen this...
Note and learn to cook her favourite recipes! My Mum did this for my Grandma as did Grandma before her. It still brings a smile when I cook something I enjoyed visiting 'Oma' as a small child. Its a nice bit of family history/tradition too ... the recipes are hand-written and some have fun stories ('the day your Dad ate 2 whole cakes') associated with them.
Yesterday for the first time in my adult life I listened to a twelve minute recording made from his hospital bed at Wishard Memorial where Tudor Auditorium was soon named in his honor.
While I extend a hand of sympathy, I'm jealously excited for the sheer amount of media you'll gather these interactions and memories with.
I have one framed family photo, a couple snapshots, a USAF shirt, and a hard hat.
The other side of preserving memories is your desire to reminisce. You won't be editing anytime soon; in thirty or forty years will the grandchildren have the time or interest to watch 48 hours of babble after they find someone to convert the antique files into FutureWall3 RealReality format?
Don't record the mundane parts of life. And don't ramble on.
Take the time to make The One Video. "Hi Kids, it's mom. Here's my message to both of you: Get smart, be nice, fall in love. Love you both. Jane, stay cool, Sally, you're so cute." The best-of video. Without a stupid soundtrack, please.
And if any of you readers need old reel-to-reel recordings made digital, I sent some tapes (old old 1950s and 1970s) to Mr Toad's in San Francisco and got WAVs from them.
Print out your digital blog. Or just buy a notepad and start writing. Anthropologists in a few centuries will appreciate it.
While the statements about sugar may be on shaky ground, the primary conclusion of the research quoted could be summarized rather simply. Eat organic. Saying such a thing is hardly "trying to bilk someone out of money" or being a "scumbag". Instead I would say you rushed to judgment.
The orthomolecular biochemists
This word doesn't mean anything in scientific circles. "Orthomolecular" is a relatively new fad term for holistic nutrition/medicine. Examine here for an example.
have a unified theory of cancer and it's reversible now.
There is a unified theory of cancer, it primarily states that living things get cancer in the same way that iron rusts. It is inevitable, as a consequence of the fundamental properties of the system in question. It is not "reversible", a nonsense term in the biological context, and every specific cancer will require a different specific treatment.
Salvesterols
Google "salvesterols", 256 hits. Google "salvestrols", 35400 hits. Neither term is used in chemical/biochemical/molbio literature. The basic concept is that all "diseased cells" have specific enzymes which will convert specific plant-derived salvestrols into poisons, thus killing the bad cells. Evolutionarily, there is no way this would be maintained. The first mutant cell lacking this special enzyme would proliferate and the salvestrol would be of no use. See here for a representative site.
exploit the CYPB1P1 metabolic pathway; the Cytochrome P450-1 enzyme converts them to
There isn't a "CYPB1P1 pathway". CYPB1P1 is an enzyme involved in the oxidative breakdown of a variety of substrates. These enzymes are often used by animals to detoxify minor toxins from food. In the case of Aflotoxin poisoning, these enzymes are responsible for the production of potentially fatal liver damage by modifying the initially neutral compound into a potent mutagen/carcinogen/toxin.
picotannins
The word "picotannins" doesn't exist in the chemical/biological literature, or on the web according to Google. Perhaps you meant tannings at low ("pico") levels? Tannins are plant compoinds and are not synthesized by any known animal metabolic pathways. At low levels, some tannins may have benificial effects on diet. In larger ammounts, they tend to be poisonous to animals not specialized in consuming them. Specialized animals tend to have enzymes in their saliva to bind and inactivate tannins before they can be absorved in the gut.
which selectively, in vivo and in vitro, kill only tumor cells.
Not exactly true, but since technically the chemicals you're speaking of don't exist, I suppose I can't say.
I've met end stage lung cancer patients whose cancer has been rerversed.
This is wonderful news for them and irrelevant to your claims.
I'm not interested in any nay sayers or claims of quckery. I'm just not interested.
It is good to know you've decided you don't need to learn anything about a topic to which you obviously have no expertise, before making potentially life-changing decisions based on that erroneous assumption.
Contact me directly if you need more information or sources; I can point you to (free) biochemists who can explain this much better than I can and offer guidance. It's extremely important to avoid sugar; whereas our cells use atp for energy, cancer cells use sugars directly.
Cancer cells cannot use sugar "directly" in the way you imply, nothing can actually. All cells use ATP for energy, with a minor sprinkling of GTP. Some human cell types (brain/neurons) will only accept sugar from the blood as a food source, while others (muscle/skin/etc) will also accept amino acids, cholesterol, and triglycerides from the blood to use for food. Your liver actually synthesizes sugar (glu
But there's no indication in the post -- rather the contrary -- that he/she is selling anything.
Perhaps it's due to the "inappropriateness" of the response? Or the words "Nobody needs die of cancer any more" in the subject?
Posts sometimes reflect what the author have in mind when he is writing it. The "inappropriateness" may have reflected the author's intent (or simple "don't care" attitude), even when the actual words appear objective.
I doubt you'd enjoy it if I throw highly insensitive words at you when you're grieving over your dying dog or cat. Hence the mod-down.
Keep both. In fact, keep all.
For people who don't know this person (including great grandchildren), tears are a turn off. They want to feel happy when looking at this person's video (Wow, it's my great-grandmother!), not be told that this is supposed to be a sad scene and they are supposed to feel sad.
For people who knows this person, the viewers' tears will feel naturally. All the more when the person is not crying.
Yes, my words are insensitive, but I think this person wants to be remembered as a person who brings happiness, not sadness, to her viewers.
I know this has been covered by a few dozen people, but backup your backup's backup.
Having worked tech support for storage devices over the past 5 years, I've had to personally tell many people that their drive is corrupted/broken, and thus all of their family photos/baby's first steps video/wedding photos/life's work is either unrecoverable or exceedingly expensive to recover. This is the hardest part of my job, and it never gets any easier to take. I can't even imagine how it is to hear something like that.
Do NOT depend on RAID... just cause it's "Redundant" doesn't mean it's backed up. RAID only protects you against a single failure mode: a failed drive.
RAID will simply not protect you against:
power fluctuations (power loss, brownout, spikes, surges...)
bit rot, stripe and filesystem corruption,
acts of god ("crap, the basement flooded"),
acts of human ("which folder did I just delete?"),
etc, etc.
You CANNOT protect data 100%. There is ALWAYS some coincidence that can happen to mess everything up. The best you can do is have as many layers of backups as financially possible, and make sure you don't keep them all in the same place! Keep AT LEAST one offsite (different state) backup.
In short, if you can't replace something digital, then make sure you have multiple backups of it, with some in a completely different location.
Hi, I'm french-speaking and I regret it because I won't be able to express how much I am deeply sorry for you and your family. I will try to help by telling my own experience (don't take the time to feel sorry for me, you have better to do than that, be pragmatic and use it :-) ).
My mother died last year and, unlike in your situation, it was unexpected. This is how it happened: I had normally to have dinner with my parents that day, nothing special because I went there almost every week. On that morning, my father calls earlier that I should hurry because my mother had been hospitalized overnight. He's a physician and so, when he told me by the tone of his voice I almost already know that it was serious (deadly).
So I take my car and rush to my sister's house where we were supposed to meet and go from there to the hospital. So we left for the hospital and on the road we had a phone call from the hospital stating that we should hurry. And so did I (I can assure you that, while I drived responsibly trying not to be a danger, I was speeding...)
We arrived at the urgency service, noone to great us or give instructions. Since my father knew the location well, we went ahead and entered the room where my mother was. And the nurse was in fact, shutting down the screen with the vital signs. She shouted at us that we had no rights to be there (I don't blame her at all). We, of course, were destroyed...
So it is... Afterwards, I learned that my sister had the chance to speak to her the day before still in the hospital My father also had the chance since he did accompany her in to the hospital that night.
Now, more in touch with your situation, here are my thoughts and like many others, I agree : don't try to tape everything. And I would maybe agree with the most extreme, don't tape anything. I have tons of pictures of my mother (none of them I took, my mother and I had this in common: we never liked being photographed). All those pictures, one year afterwards, I still can't look at them... I just can't. Instead, it maybe be cliché, but I would die to still have the chance to speak a last time with my mother. My sister had the chance and she recovered better (I hope). It is not possible for me, no video will ever give me that back.
And I feel there is a second risk. Let's imagine that one of your daughter is more or less like me and that she just can't take looking at the pictures because it is too hard. Maybe she will be feeling guilty not looking at the material you have collected. Worse, if this is your manner to express your care, your manner to live your grief, consciously or inconsciously maybe that will lead you to think this/that daughter didn't like her or not enough. So, maybe, your manner to remember your wife will become a prison (jail) for your daughters. Please, don't do that. Death is a traumatic enough experience already. You can't prepare against it: you will suffer :-(
Live as normally as possible and try to ensure that your daughters enjoy the presence of their mother as often as possible. Don't go too soon into grief, there will be plenty of time for that. Take pictures if fou really feel like it, but don't force it.
I don't know what the feelings of your wife are about all that, but let her decide what means she wants to use to be remembered (not us basement dwellers). Even if it is none, it will be the best way.
Ask your wife to make a special date videos, such as your children's first teen birthdays, then their 18th and 21st and their weddings. In these she could describe her life to them at this age and what she did, so on these pertinent dates they have a memory and some advice and history of her.
A friend of mine died nine years ago from colon cancer. She had a then 4-year old boy when she passed.
There were a handful of things that she did for her son that were pretty well received as he grew older.
She left letters or recordings for him at various milestones. Graduation. age 21. Age 25. Wedding. Etc. Nothing too specific, but things talking about how she hoped things turned out for him.
A recording of her singing Happy Birthday, that she gave him on CD. He played it every year until he was 12. After that, I don't know if he continued to play it, but it was a nice touchpoint for him as he grew older.
That's really about it. Too much stuff, I think, and the survivors have issues getting over the loss. And too much past stuff, and people seem to feel a little out of touch. It truly makes people think they were loved if their parent thinks about future events before the child even does.
That's all I have.
Reeses
Ask her to write down her thoughts, past experiences and decisions (good and bad) and opinions, and especially reasons for having those opinions and how she feels when about stuff.
One thing though, you need to be careful that future people don't elevate somethings about her and derive wrong opinions of how they should live their lives. In other words, you need to preserve the faults too even things she regrets.. which can be a difficult thing to do .. but ultimately it's equally as important as the good stuff.
We forget most things we think are normal day to day. My take on this is to put up awkward -or slightly embarrassing- situations which you later remember fondly. For instance, my mother in law has Alzheimer's and I have huge difficulties in making conversation with her. Two months ago my wife told me to "say something" to the mother in law. I resolved to ask her whether she voted on the past government elections. If my wife's looks could have killed me I would have died then on the spot. A bit of water under the bridge later and we now fondly remember this occasion more often than any other occasion with her.
What I'm trying to say is to concentrate more on memories inside you and to limit -technological- remembrances. Do a few funny, weird, wacky but loving things with your wife and daughters. Chances are the genuine feeling will resonate a long time. IMHO it's the small odd things you remember best and these are accentuated through unusual situations. Of course you should keep events tasteful and not overdo/overact on the occasions.
I wish you a most enjoyable company of your wife and daughters.
I hadn't the slightest objection to his spending his time planning massacres for the bourgeoisie... (P.G. Wodehouse)
The clone would have an alternate life and different memories ; preserving memories is not very easy as clone; unless we can ghost/mirror people...
--- I am known for the ones who want to find me on the net. Is that a privacy risk or a privilege? One might wonder..
On first thought that is a scary thing and the road you now have to travel for the (statistically) next 1 to 2 years is not really an easy one.
But on the other hand you now have an opportunity not many of us have. Thing is, we are all dying. There is a fair lot of people here on this board who will be dead long before your wife passes away. And many of them would have wished to have known this two years in advance. Statistically there are about 160000 people who will not see the next sunrise. And some of them might be readers on slashdot.
So you have some albeit limited time left to focus on the important things in life.
- Don't waste time focusing on the sickness. Like talking about this. What I learned about talking with my children is that whatever you tell them they will perceive 10fold. So if the sickness is an important thing during the time to come it will be ten times as much important for your children as it is for you. And don't try to hide the sickness from your children. I don't know how much they can realise already, but children understand much more than we can imagine. At least on an empathic level. Try to be "normal" about your wife.
- Focus on the time you have as a family. And focus on your children. Supposing you are doing a standard 9 to 5 job having the weekends off you should start using the weekends for short trips, like camping and stuff. I don't know what the physical condition is your wife is in right now, but start _doing_ things. If it is possible, go on as many bicycle trips as you can. Travel around. My wife and me are currently in the process of bying a campmobile. Since I am working on a freelance basis the weekends are the times we can share as a family. And with my oldest son starting school this year our holiday time will be focused on the main holiday seasons, which are extremely expensive. So buying a campmobile and doing weekend trips seems like a good thing for me.
- Give your kids memories of good times. By spending time together. They will remember their family in a way everybody should have been able to remember their family. In the end this is what matters. How did we perceive our parents while they were with us. And the foundation for this is being laid while the kids are young.
As mentioned in the title I thought about doing this for my kids for various reasons. My way of doing this will be to start taking short videoblogs for my two sons. With the built in camera of my mobile (htc legend). These videoblogs will be short and will focus on letting them take part in my daily life. And maybe I will try to incorporate the fact into these videos that my sons will get older. So I will try to record videos for times when they are older. For storing purposes I will put them on cd and on sd-cards. Copied multiple times with one set of copies being stored in a safe-deposit box. My wife will know about this and I will put instructions about that into some sort of testament.
But how many of them you take it will always be like looking through a box full of pictures of lost ones. They cannot replace the real thing. In the end it will be your job as a father to help your kids focus on the future. This is where our road heads to. And the future is where your kids will need you.
Yt,
Gunnar
Man, there's nothing I can say to you. I'm truly not worthy.
Thanks for your message. It made me think.
He seems to have a focus on media. I recommend branching out to tangible, totemic objects. I still have the checkers/chinese checkers board and pieces I used to play games decades ago with a person who was an important father figure. In retrospect, it was probably important to him since it was copyright decades earlier and he probably played games on it with his brother who was killed young in WW II.
When I saw the original article this was my thought too - the many stories my grandparents and parents have told me about their childhoods - or even *their* parents' childhoods - give me a sense of continuity that pictures alone cannot give.
Simple text files can capture many of these, especially if your wife does well with writing, and having it directly from the source instead of half-remembered memories is invaluable. Memory is notoriously unreliable, after all - especially memories of what someone else told you.
Likewise, any information about family and ancestry - now is the time to pass that information down, and while you're at it go ahead and record your own information - various little stories from your life, and your parents and grandparents too. Maybe a few on video, but written form is even better for compactness and usability.
All the best to you and your family.
We forget for a reason. Don't inflict this on your daughters and yourself.
E Proelio Veritas.
Certainly the OP shouldn't be making a shrine to his children's mother, and require them to make daily devotions to her . . .
But memory is also how some of us honor those who came before us, and remember all that they did for us to make us who we are. I am in a rare condition of having video of relatives who died 70 years ago. Perhaps it is best that it is just a short clip showing them as living, breathing human beings, but I am glad to have it.
I *do* agree with those who think that too much video is just a distraction. My general belief is that video memories should be restricted to one hour per year. Even so, no one will want to look at 90 hours of video of themselves when they are 90.
There may be some exceptions for special events, and written memories are far more valuable as they take the least time to review. Stories about the past are best written down, with a few audio or video samples to go with them.
addressing the camera, simply saying she loves you (and them) by name.
It's the sort of clip that can really lift your spirits years down the line.
And I'd expect the puncher to be dealt with in the same way as any puncher is dealt with when he isn't acting in self defence. "But I wasn't feeling myself and someone said something nasty," is not a get-out clause in society for being violent, even if others might sympathise for why you're not feeling yourself. If you are the sort of person to turn your grieving into anger, you need to sort yourself out before the next personal tragedy.
I'm not grieving, but I'd punch someone in the face if they walked up to someone I knew who had just lost a child and told one of those jokes. The only thing I'm sorting out is assholes.
A friend's dad passed away a few years back - he wrote letters to be opened at specific events like wedding, first child, etc. The letter was read at my friend's wedding - was very moving. Also, gave her dad something to do and think about.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That is why it is called present.
You're damn right it struck a nerve for me, because I know his situation intimately. There's no hypocrisy here: I am telling you, from personal experience, that these kinds of answers are more hurtful than helpful.
"Condescending" is assuming that you know more than the original questioner, ignoring his original question, and offering advice he never asked for. I'm not condescending, I'm pissed off at people being so insensitive.
I piss off bigots.
Exactly! One of the more interesting things is that the urge to "get it on video" is a guy thing because guys are less stimulated by other means - which explains why guys can spend hours looking at pr0n.
Except you don't give them to them either in preparation or on the big day - that's taking away from THEIR opportunity to experience it THEIR way. And if you give it to them afterwards, there's always going to be comparisons. The whole idea is dumb.
I used to have this discussion with a librarian whose dissertation was about archival materials. Thinking in terms of "archival" seems appropriate here; while you are rightly concerned with preserving memories for you daughters, there will eventually be grandkids who are interested in the grandmother they didn't know. My librarian friend's opinion was that there only one practical medium available to the general public with proven archival properties: pigment-based ink on acid-free paper. Acid-free paper is readily available; inkjet printers that use pigmented ink are available but pricey; contemporary monochrome laser printers provide near-archival qualities; color laser printers somewhat less so.
My librarian friend's strongest argument for making analog copies on paper was the passive nature of that medium. You can tuck the paper away for 30 years and it's still good when you take it back out. Digital archives tend to require active copying from time to time. Digital files from 30-40 years ago are largely unreadable today, even if the medium is in good shape, for a number of reasons: the necessary hardware is no longer available, operating systems don't support the file system, the file format is no longer supported. In general, preserving a digital record for 30 years requires that intermediate copies be made.
However, archival work is something that can be done anytime in the next few years. Worry about other things now.
With all due respect, what makes you worthy of deciding what a "normal" relationship is and who should be able to give advice about it?
As far as I can tell, this person seems to have their head screwed on fairly well. They've managed to deal with life and what it brings. What have you had to deal with?
I'm in perfect agreement about the humor bit. I'll never forget the report after my house burned down. "They were surprisingly upbeat."
yvan eht nioj
Long-time NC State women's basketball coach, Kay Yow, who battled cancer for a long time, recorded the eulogy for her own funeral:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1D1NqD0FGhI
IMHO the best thing you can do is build their hope in the ressurection as promised by the Bible. Some very heartwarming promises are there for people to read. It is not actually a good idea to keep memories of a dead loved one in front of people, as it stops them moving on. People who leave a dead one's slippers on the hearth, for instance, find it very difficult to ever get on with life. Revisiting those times will mean recalling the anxious years Mother was dying, and the pain, and will not be a good place for young daughters to go. Photograph a special moment, and have it painted, or give them lockets with her photo there. Snap her while she still can smile. They can open the lockets, or close them.
I too am sorry to hear of your situation and wish you, your wife, and family the best in these trying times. Not sure if anyone else has mentioned http://www.fatcyclist.com/ The author, otherwise known as Fatty, faced a very similar situation as yourself and shared a lot on his blog. His humanity, wit, sense of humour, and honesty was breath taking and an awesome read. Still is a year after his wife's passing. He might be a good resource for you in many different ways. Give him a read, and drop him a line. Sure he'd be happy to offer thoughts and ideas.
"This technology stuff is just plum crazy!"
From what I was told back then (18-odd years ago), it had metastised so an operation would not have helped. I don't know (and never asked) what ruled Chemo out but she decided the diet was her only hope. Her kids were aged around 6 months and 2-3 years.
I think the doctor who suggested that course gave it a 20% chance of succeeding. That could hame meant "40% chance if you follow the diet, only 50% manage it" or it might have been "20% if you follow the diet". This is so long ago. I do remember the woman though, she was seriously tough.
Mielipiteet omiani - Opinions personal, facts suspect.
Go see a therapist, who can help you cope, and guide you in being supportive to your wife and children during this difficult time.
This is her time, not yours.
This may be taking your question too literally, but hey, this is Slashdot. Currently, the best chance of actually preserving your wife's memories is cryopreservation, through an organization such as Alcor. This is, of course, a huge long shot -- but there is a small chance that something like this might work, so it's worth considering. Another up-and-coming technique for preservation is brain plastination.
Might I suggest that for certain that you also not only videotape digitally and photograph digitally but that you make certain that YOU are also in the pictures and interacting with your wife and kids in those documents. It is so often the case that one sees the pictures of family but the designated photographer is no where to be seen and thus, the life that you have with family is denied by accident. It is important for the kids in other words to see how their dad was with mom and with them also. I do wish your family comfort and love with one another and that whatever is to happen can be handled with the joy of knowing that all were together in life. After all, some live alone and pass away that way also with no one to note the passing nor of their presence either. You and your family are thus lucky in that if not in the long life that some others have had. One must say, quality over quantity to be sure..Get into the video and pictures to be a part of the life you have together..still..I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST.
Look, I would try as much as possible to live life to the fullest before she goes.
But also, I think a couple interviews might be wonderful. Ask a few stories -- ask about the day you got
married. The story of each day each kid was born. Other stuff.
Also, for more planned interviews, this isn't for parents
http://www.livingfamilyalbums.com/Grandparent_Kit.htm
There isn't one for parents, but you get the idea.
..while she is needing you so much right now.
The fact that someone is dying whose brain may be relatively intact gives you a lot of options. Only in the situation where the cancer was observed to have metastasised to her brain and created an abundance of tumors would I consider going the route you seem to be considering (saving the memories in a digital video/audio/written approximation).
If the cancer has not/does not metastasise to the brain the *best* thing to do is to consider whole body, or in the case of disseminated cancer, "head" (brain) cryonic suspension. I will assert that until the cancer, or you indirectly through cremation or burial, has caused a significant disassembly of the cells and synapses which contain the memories of an individual that individual IS NOT IRREVOCABLY DEAD. They are simply beyond the reach of current technologies to present the appearance of what we consider to be "alive". There is a range of states from alive to "disassembled" and unfortunately society and most backgrounds lock us into a two-state mentality. I have told and will continue to tell people in facing this situation that considering cyronics is the only rational thing to do. You may choose not to exercise that option, and there may be legitimate reasons for doing so, financial, not wanting loved ones to have to deal with semi-alive/dead states, etc. but not doing so is irrational.
I personally know the people such as Greg Fahy, Ralph Merkle, Robert Freitas and others who have worked on improving the methods of cryonic suspension and methods for eventual reanimation. These are very serious (and very bright) individuals whose commitment to this area isn't going to go away and is highly likely to eventually yield positive results (IMO).
There is also the prospect that cures to cure her cancer may be developed in the not so distant future. If it were me personally and I didn't want to take the suspension route (which involved legally "dying") I would consider a "suspended animation" route which would involve a low temperature coma state or a H2S induced "suspension state" (which would be considered "risky" to "experimental" in conventional medical circles). I would then make sure I got a set of cancer biopsy samples to a lab capable of "extreme cutting edge" genomic medicine [1] to answer the precise question of "what genetic mutations have occurred in this/these cancer(s) and what specific drugs are available to target those pathways?" [2]. Some pathway specific drugs are available now. More will be under development. Until such time as one can produce a "cocktail" of drugs, perhaps combined with site-specific nano-targeting methodology, one should pursue a strategy which slows down the individuals "rate-of-living", thus "suspended animation", as much as possible. It may be that this would require an individual to be kept barely alive for 5-10 or more years but this is not outside the realm of medical capabilities at this point (though it would likely be quite expensive). You would also have to locate a team of individuals willing to be this "experimental" with a human life.
1. For example one would want to be able to "match" the patient with one or more of the cancers being studied in the various "Cancer Genome Atlas/Anatomy Projects" which will eventually have analysed and classified tens of thousands of cancers.
2. If you are not dealing with an oncologist or oncologist team which can tell you specifically *what* oncogenes and tumor suppressor genes are broken in the current cancer you are dealing with "snake-oil" physicians. Cancer genomics is *way* beyond the stage of surgery/radiation/toxic-drugs which have worked in the past yet most oncologists have probably not moved beyond those as the standard therapies.
You can record stories told by the person who will die in the near future, and you may as well record stories told by relatives about that person. That makes the picture more complete. While relatives (kids, sisters and brothers, friends etc) are still alive, memories will fade for them as well.
I would never suggest buying a mined diamond but this idea I thought was amazingly cool. Make a diamond out of your wifes remains: http://www.lifegem.com/
It might sound creepy, but I think it's one of the most beautiful things you could do to someones shell.
*DrugCheese rants*
I hope you are a church going family. That said, the one main thing at this time in life is HOPE. Now we can't have hope to live forever, but Christianity gives us HOPE that though the body dies, a person's Spirit will live eternally. This I will share. I call it, "Lillian's Miracle," and I testify that it is VERY TRUE. Lillain's mother had cancer surgery. A year later she broke her hip. Two years later she had a heart attack that should have killed her, but it didn't. After that she came to live with us. She lived with us for thirteen years. On the second of January 1974 she had a final attach. She fell breaking both hips. As she was being admitted to the emergency room daughter Lillian went into the Chapel down the hall. There wasn't anybody there, but a Bible was open to the Psalms on the alter. The Psalm said exactly what Lillian needed to hear, BUT she has not been able to find that Psalm again. Next she prayed, "Lord please take my mother. I am so tired and if she survives this she will be completely bed fast because her heart won't allow her hips to be repaird, and I am not able to care for her." With that, a arm came around her shoulder, and a voice said, "You don't have to worry any more, she is my responsibility now." BUT THERE WAS NOBODY IN THE CHAPPEL! Lillian's mother died later that evening. This is fact, I lived thru it. May God Bless
The kind of person who will never have a real relationship, and what's going through their head will be either 1) cluelessness as to what they're missing out on, or 2) bitterness because they *do* know what they're missing. (Either that, or just incredibly insensitive trolling.)
10 FILL MUG WITH COFFEE
20 DRINK COFFEE
30 GOTO 10
You're not actually going to solve anything, though, are you? The "asshole" will become the victim, and, depending on how the punched reacts, you're going to be the one inviting the arrest record and all which that implies. All because you've pathologically taken on a perceived emotion of the griever and translated it into anger.
Did that punch make the griever feel better? Did it fix the perpetrator's insensitive ways? Did it make you feel better for a split second, before you add up the consequences? You'll have done a lot more damage than a lame joke.
Put a low-res video camera on a tripod and let it record sound, pointed at the pages, while you go through photograph albums together. Especially photos before you were married, including her childhood photos. Otherwise, your children and grandchildren (who may be more interested) will simply never know. Photos are a better prompt than home movies.
No need to die from cancer. Research Apricot seeds, B17. Watch a World Without Cancer on youtube. Also look at cancertutor.com.
If the OP wants to choose to remember his wife in this way, and help preserve a legacy for his/her daughters by recording everything he can about her, than that is his choice. The fact that this information is not of interest to YOU is entirely irrelevant. This data isn't for you to consume, and I'm not sure how you could possibly evaluate the worth of this.
Given that his wife is in Stage 4, and the daughters so young, the ability to create memories is likely not great, and getting worse. If recording memories is all he can put together, so be it.
SirWired
You're not actually going to solve anything, though, are you? The "asshole" will become the victim, and, depending on how the punched reacts, you're going to be the one inviting the arrest record and all which that implies. All because you've pathologically taken on a perceived emotion of the griever and translated it into anger.
No, I've not taken on the perceived emotion of the griever. I am not grieving. I am witnessing someone verbally assaulting an innocent person who is already wounded. I'd punch the idiot in defense of the person he's assaulting, and as dissuasive measure to make it less likely for him want to do it to others. If it didn't fix the perpetrators insensitive ways, I'd do it again. I'll take my chances with the arrest record to do what I think is the right thing in that situation.
I accept a certain degree of uninformed idiocy around here, but I will speak up when it is directly in my specialized fields of knowledge.
IANAB (I am not a biologist), but I'm well-read enough to know that "rs79" has no idea what he's talking about. Thank you for speaking up.
*** *** You're just jealous 'cause the voices talk to me... ***
One thing I would suggest.... Get your wife and daughters to cook together, film or document the recipes. Make those meals as many times as you can with them. It's one of the things that continues to live on after a loved one leaves us, the memories of making meals together, combined with the family recipes that make them unique and special. Every time your daughters then cook that meal or recipe, they will be reminded of their mother.... And as they pass those down, they will pass down the stories as well.
And as others have stated, keep up hope. Miracles do happen.
I wish you all the comfort that your family will be able to receive in these trying times for you.
Who is the master of foxhounds, and who says the hunt has begun? -Pink Floyd
I think that forgetting is just a way our minds have to let go. When the time comes, it will be hard and painful, but the healthiest thing will be to move on. Seriuosly, spend the time you have left together living together. Don't make this a reality show. Your kids are going to need to move on too.
T!
I lost my brother recently when he was just 20. The thing that saddened me the most was how little photographic and video footage we had of him. We had a video camera almost his entire life and yet we had less than an hour of video footage of him in total and only about a hundred photos. The countless things we could have documented but didn't. I'd love to look back and see and watch his first day at school, his first report card, his first pushbike, and so many other events. I know these photos are mostly just "happy snaps" because we often only capture the happy moments, but when they're gone and you just want to look through your reminders of them, they're all you've got.
/share/ their mother's memory. It's great for them to be able to relate to your family and the people who knew her, but sometimes you just need to share it with a friend and say "Look, I know you'll never meet her, but here's what I remember about my mother and what I need to share with you". It might be just a little cheesy 10 minute video/audio/image montage, but that's the sort of thing that's easy to share with others, that they can digest and say "That's beautiful, I really feel for your loss after seeing that".
I created a website to immortalise my brother's memory and a great deal of the stories and media that's on the site now has been submitted by his friends and stuff that we never would have seen otherwise, and it lets his memory live on the memory of his friends and every year people back to the site on his anniversary and email me little comments and thoughts and it also allows me to update my own little blog of what I've done during the year and things that have made me think of my brother throughout the year. I visit the site every year on his birthday and anniversary or when I am thinking about him, and even reading the stories a million times, they still never get old.
Because of this I encourage you to document as many stories about your wife as you can, and while you may not think the website is such a great idea, one thing it does is let your kids
My ex-wife's mother died of cancer when she was just 12, and before she died, she set aside some gifts and special letters to give to her children on special milestones in their life with struct instructions that they not be opened until that day. I know that my wife particularly cherished opening her mum's wedding gift on her wedding day and reading the special message that her mum had written for the occasion. Even having such a letter read out by one of the living descendants can be a beautiful thing. When you daughters get married, how wonderful would it be for them to have you read out a special wedding message from their mum ? This is the sort of stuff that really makes the survivors feel that their loved one is "still with them".
I don't think anyone needs to tell the OP to spend as much quality time as he can with his wife, but if I can say just this - do really special things. Take out a second mortgage on your house if you have to so that you have the money to take some time off work and travel and do wonderful things with your family. Your kids are going to remember those amazing times they spent on holiday with their mum in whatever far flung country takes your fancy. Also if possible, take the extended family along as well. Nothing makes a more memorable christmas than say, spending it with the grandparents and aunts and uncles in Spain or Mexico or wherever. It's not that you need to spend lots of money on your holidays - you just need to do stuff together as a family. I am presuming your wife is still capable of travel if she has a couple of years left. I'm sorry if that's not the case and this suggestion sounds ridiculous because of that.
And to all the people saying you shouldn't remember your final years with her from behind a lens I say bullshit. Sure you don't need to document everything and the daily video blog might be a bit too hard to watch, but I definitely agree with the people who've said to ge
I am deeply saddened to hear about your plight; it reminds of my own losses.
Perhaps I am a Galaxy-class jerk for saying so, but really, death is the time to let go. When my time comes, in perhaps not as many years as I would like, what I hope is that my children will put me aside and get on with things; the best memory about this old geezer is probably to know that I taught them many of the life-skills they use every day. That and perhaps a few pictures and letters.
Sorry if I sound a bit terse; I still find it hard to write about. Don't die with your loved ones; they really don't want you to.
Preserve as much as you can, but just as important is that the kids spend time with their mother, doing things they both enjoy. Not big things, but Mom reading to the girls. Cooking if she enjoys it. The normal day to day things around the house that they can do together. Those are things they will treasure and remember.
On the other side, I'd make time to actually interview your wife. Take the time, when she's able and willing, to ask her about her life and get it recorded. It may never mean anything much to your children, or it may be one of the most important things they have when they get older. But give them a chance to have those memories about their mother.
Contrary to what some others have said, I don't believe that recording her memories is selfish. Well, maybe it is, but not in a bad way. You're the one who is going to have to answer your daughters' questions about her as the years come and they grow older, and spending time now recording her memories will let you do that.
Remembering someone intensely isn't the same as dying with them, isn't the same as giving up on life because they aren't there any longer.
I love a good point-by-point rebuttal of quackery. Ben Goldacre would be proud.
If all you have is a grenade, pretty soon every problem looks like a foxhole -- MightyYar
My sister started a business where she sits down and interviews people about their life. The interview is transcribed, edited, and printed into physical books. I now have wonderful personal histories for members of my family. My wife helped in the editing of some of my sister's other clients. The books all come across as the subjects voice and a personal perspective. They have been loved by the receiving families. My wife feels like she knows the subjects of the books.
Something like that lasts beyond digital or analog medium. It is something you can pickup, read and put down. Like other posters, for your children, you may want to preserve those memories, thoughts and feelings in a timeless way.
I would take the time to make some special recordings. Have your wife meditate a bit on some of the things she will not be there for (I know it can be heartbreaking). Then record some messages (either video, audio, or text) that relate to those events. Things like weddings, graduations, and birthdays.
Save the messages and break them out at the special event.
Cheap storage VM.
I have a 10 year old son and twin 7 year old daughters. I also have an inoperable brain tumor. I like to say that I am 28 months into a 12 month prognosis.
I have written letters to my kids for their 16th birthdays. I plan on writing one for their 18th birthday.
I engage them as much as possible.
I have a policy that they can interupt anything I am doing in order to talk with me, even if I am asleep. I am available for them 24/7.
I have also purchased some birthday and some Christmas presents for them for the future. They include small notes with them. (I have even wrapped them already).
My wife is home schooling them and I participate in some of their lessons.
These are just some of the things I do for my kids. I feal investing in them is kind of my legacy.
Slowly waving my hand - "This is not the sig you are looking for."
I learned quite a bit from reading your rebuttal. Thank you for taking the time to post! It's much-appreciated, and very informative.
Bite my shiny metal ass!
Having lost a mother to cancer not too long ago, one of the things that seems to have a meaningful impact for at least me, is having some of the physical items that feature in some of the pictures and videos. As stated elsewhere, while those images are powerful, and great at capturing some of the "essence" of a person, there's something even more that comes from seeing that person with an object - figurine, painting, sweater, necklace, chair, whatever - and then being able to touch that actual object today. It lends a physical manifestation to something no longer physically here. The picture/video puts it in context, but the object itself makes it "real" in a way that just looking at the pictures doesn't really do. Also as stated by others, there's the earlier periods of time to consider as well - don't focus all on the "now that we know our days together are numbered" moments to capture. Go back and look at the photos/video/records you have from a better time - talk through some of those and capture what you can as well.
I would interview her about her life. When your daughters are older, it could very well be a comfort to them to get a glimpse of knowing their mom as an adult. And it might be cathartic for your wife.
Well, I am deffinitely late at this but would like to make an analogy which I think is adequate for the subject.
Trying to record digitally these "last days" of your wife is similar to going to a concert and spending all the night with your video/photo camera recording the video... you won't be enjoying the concert AND you will end with a not-so-good video.
Better enjoy the moment 100% instead of putting 50% attention on cameras/electronic gizmos and only dedicating 50% on sharing the time with your loved ones.
Ubuntu is an African word meaning 'I can't configure Debian'
In an attempt to answer the OP's question of: "In this digital age what other avenues are there for preserving memories?" I submit this previous /. post of a 100 year life storage device: http://hardware.slashdot.org/story/10/06/25/0219258/SanDisk-WORM-SD-Card-Can-Store-Data-For-100-Years
Some of the best ways of getting to know someone who is no longer with us is threw the experiences of the people that knew them. Don't forget to record you speaking some of your favorite memories and experiences with her, and maybe some that her friends remember. I lost an uncle to cancer and was too young to think of it at the time but I wish I could have gathered up all of our family and his friends and sat around and had a "remember when" discussion around a tape recorder. Record your children as well even if they are pre-teen about what they remember and love about their mother, that will go a long way if and when they ever choose to look back and see what their mom was all about.
So many posts. I can't read them all to find out if anyone suggested this.
Suggestion:
Get her to write a journal of her deepest thoughts about the past, present, herself, you and her children. Paper preferably. To only be opened long after she's gone. There are things that a person will only say if they know that it will only be known long after their time.
Sometimes an oral historian can help to write it if the person can't write themselves.
Peace be upon you.