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Screw CNN, The Onion has a complete map already.

But ... that's when I planned on voting. Surely you mean Thursday.

Don't forget to get out and vote on Nov. 3!.

And if you're an american from a minority community, don't forget the correct voting date for yourself!

Get out there and vote on November 3rd!

Vote on the third?

Did you happen to look at The Onion recently? This article cracked me up.

My wife has a Ph.D. in Computational Linguistics, and has been unemployed for 3 years. The job market has been so bad that she has pretty much given up even looking.

When I suggested a couple of years ago that she could go back to school she just glared at me and said "27 years of school was enough". I can't believe Bush thinks "get a job" is an economic policy, which is why my wife and I are voting for Kerry this year.

Check this out -- funny! http://www.theonion.com/election2004/news_4013.php

Imagine if you had to haul along your laptop, camera, and electric toothbrush if all you wanted to do was listen to some music.

That's the innovation game for ya, though. Devices get better, smaller, etc with each version. Check out the camera phone picture at the bottom of this article: Camera phone Someday these things will be awesome.

I thought it was an http://theonion.com/ article.

I too thought the Russians were mocking our Mars Mission.

I hope you never visit the Onion, which is billed as "America's Finest News Source". People could be lured there under a false pretense, thinking they are recieving actual news.

"This also reminds me of that old headline at The Onion: "Dolphins Develop Thumbs: 'Oh Shit,' say Humans""

For those who want to see the article, it's gone into the archives at the onion so you won't be able to view it without a premium account.

However, for those without a premium account, here's a link to the article courtesy of archive.org

Also, ravaged named Florida's offical state adjective.

Lots of good information here

Tiny Dog Suffocates In Louis Vuitton Bag.

Remember during the 2000 election dispute, when The Onion treated it just like a 3rd world country collapsing into civil battles, regional warlord declaring martial law, etc? One of the articles was "Serbia Deploys Peacekeeping Forces to U.S."

"GERLACH, NV -- The Burning Man festival, a prominent artistic and countercultural event that draws tens of thousands of people to the Nevada desert annually, is in danger of cancellation this week because "no one had their shit together enough to even make it," organizers said Tuesday. "Jesus Christ, this is pathetic," said event coordinator Ethan Moon as he angrily gestured toward the empty Black Rock Desert basin expanse, known as the playa. "We've been promoting this thing all year. You can't start panhandling quarters for gas the week before the festival and expect to make it here in time, man."

Moon listed some of the most common no-show excuses, among them oversleeping, forgetting to request time off work, faulty van-borrowing arrangements, a shortage of ochre body-paint, and the last-minute realization that transportation to the Burning Man festival requires money.

...Hippies were not the only counterculture group to miss the Burning Man festival. Portland-area Linux user and self-described cyber-conceptualist "Free" Lance Kaegle explained his absence in an instant message from his studio.

"I was organizing this boss techno-art project called 'Off The Grid,'" Kaegle wrote. "We were going to set up computer terminals in various parts of the playa and have people use them. Then we'd feed the binary data from those terminals into this fractals program that [Silver Lake, CA software designer] Ricky [Thomas-Slater] wrote. Those fractals would be sent, on the fly, to a group of exiled Buddhist monks I befriended online. The monks would transform the fractals into a temporal sand painting, the making of which we would webcast live to everyone on the playa."

Added Kaegle: "But I had to stop working on the monk thing to finish up this Pam's Country Crafts web site I'm working on. I really need the money..."

do there seem to be more Bush campaign commercials about Kerry than Bush campaign commercials about Bush?

Only a couple of Kerry's commercials attack Bush whereas more than half of Bush's commercials feature Kerry in some fashion.

You see this reflected in the Bush campaign websites. Too busy attacking Kerry and not saying anything about what they've "accomplished" the past four years whereas Kerry's website is actually about Kerry.

It's strange to see Bush running a challenger's campaign... but they seem to be making the Onion's satire redundant.

Quite likely true. However, the enormous amount of harm they can do is just mind boggling....

Like The Onion said, "Many Americans Still Unsure Who to Vote Against".. People (mostly liberals) talk about all the irreparable harm Bush has done, but I think the idea that Democrats do less harm is quite debateable.. In that both parties are very similar, they are both going to do similar damage in certain ways (mostly economic).

*sigh* Not you again. There's crap in every medium. There is a metric buttload of *bad* books out there. Worse yet, everyone has a different idea of what defines "bad"... for example, I think the Count of Monte Cristo is a bad book (oh, I've tried to read it... how I've tried), but there are many who would disagree. Same goes for movies, music, and, yup, you guessed it, TV! The key, since you seem to have missed it, is to find quality material that you enjoy. Of course, if you choose not to do that, that's fine, but don't criticize an entire medium (and, by proxy, the people who view it) just because *you* have decided that it's worthless. After all, millions of very smart people (many probably smarter than you or me) watch TV every day (they also probably read books, watch movies, and listen to music... variety is, after all, the spice of life).

MINNEAPOLIS, MN--Capella University, one of the nation's most heavily trafficked institutions of online learning, issued a stern disciplinary e-mail message to the members of the disorderly Alpha Sigma Sigma online fraternity Monday. "Alpha Sigma Sigma has not only broken the rules included in each distance learner's Online Application User Agreement, but they have also continually thwarted our efforts to create a serious online-learning community and an inclusive e-campus," Capella Dean of Students Theodore Albertson said. "This rowdy fraternity has been a thorn in the school's side for years, and frankly, we've had enough."

Sort of sounds like this.

Click here for his picture, you'll know why I go through the Jesus pharmacy...

"Homosexual Tearfully Admits To Being Governor Of New Jersey"

The Onion also mentioned something related to that in the Oval Office

The Onion also mentioned something related to that in the Oval Office

And here I was thinking, "How the heck did Larry Wall come to be associated with The Onion? And does this mean that maybe they'll bring back their free archives?"

p

from The Onion:

Congress voted Monday to cut federal funding for the superconducting monkey collider, a controversial experiment which has cost taxpayers an estimated $7.6 billion a year since its creation in 1983.

The collider, which was to be built within a 45-mile-long circular tunnel, would accelerate monkeys to near-light speeds before smashing them together. Scientists insist the collider is an important step toward understanding the universe, because no one can yet say for certain what kind of noises monkeys would make if collided at those high speeds.

"It could be a thump, a splat, or maybe even a sound that hasn't yet been heard by human ears," said project head Dr. Eric Reed Friday, in an impassioned plea to Congress. "How are we supposed to understand things like the atom or the nature of gravity if we don't even know what colliding monkeys sound like?"

But Congress, under heavy pressure from the powerful monkey rights lobby, decided that money being spent on the monkey collider would be put to better use in other areas of government. Now, with funding cut off, the future of our nation's monkey collision program looks bleak.

Congress began funding the monkey collider in 1983, after Reed convinced lawmakers that the U.S. was lagging behind the Soviet Union in monkey-colliding technology. Funds were quickly allocated so that Reed could spend a week procuring monkeys on Florida's beautiful Captiva Island. Though Reed returned with a great tan and a beautiful young fiancee, he reported that there were no monkeys to be found on the sunny Gulf Coast island. Congress funded subsequent trips to the Cayman Islands, Bora Bora and Cancun, but these searches also yielded negative results.

Two years passed without a single monkey being procured, and Congress was close to cutting the project's funding. It was then that Reed got the idea to utilize monkeys already being bred in captivity. The Congressional Subcommittee for Scientific Investigation was enthralled by the idea of watching caged monkeys copulate, and increased funding by 40 percent.

With a steady supply of monkeys ensured, construction of the monkey collider began on a scenic Colorado site. Despite environmental pressure, a mountain was levelled to facilitate construction of the seven-mile-wide complex. Huge underground tunnels were dug, at a cost of billions of dollars and 17 lives. Money left over was used to build resort homes, spas and video arcades for Reed, his colleagues and several Congressmen.

Construction of the collider's acceleration mechanism was delayed for years, as scientists couldn't decide how to get the monkeys up to smashing speed. Last month, it was finally decided that the collider would employ a system in which the monkeys run through the tunnels chasing holographic projections of bananas. "Monkeys love bananas," Reed said, "and they're willing to run extremely fast to get them."

But now it seems the acceleration mechanism may never be built. With the monkey collider placed on indefinite hold, the huge research facility in Colorado lies dormant. To keep the space from going to waste, Congress Monday voted to convert the empty underground tunnel into a federally funded drag-racing track. The track is expected to create hundreds of jobs in the form of pit crews and concessions workers, and will allow President Clinton to impress important foreign dignitaries with America's wheelie technology.

Despite this promising alternate plan, most involved with the monkey collider project feel the sudden cuts in funding are inexcusable. "It is a travesty of science," Reed said. "I remember the joy I felt in college when I would launch monkeys at one another with big rubber bands, and this project would have been even more enlightening."

The Onion is, however, dispatches from the 10th circle.

Black Guy Doesn't Talk About All The Times He Didn't Get Discriminated Against

DETROIT, MI - Renald Boyd, 27, of course doesn't mention all the times he wasn't discriminated against, sources reported Tuesday. "I had the lease all set up through an agent," Boyd said. "But then, when I went in to sign it, the landlord suddenly started acting all weird and said he had to run out for a minute. We sat there for an hour before the agent got him on the phone, at which point the landlord said he was looking for a 'quieter type.' This country is insane." Boyd naturally failed to mention that the real-estate agent worked with him with no hesitation, and that the taxi he took away from the real-estate agency was only the second one that he'd attempted to hail.

Black Guy Doesn't Talk About All The Times He Didn't Get Discriminated Against

DETROIT, MI - Renald Boyd, 27, of course doesn't mention all the times he wasn't discriminated against, sources reported Tuesday. "I had the lease all set up through an agent," Boyd said. "But then, when I went in to sign it, the landlord suddenly started acting all weird and said he had to run out for a minute. We sat there for an hour before the agent got him on the phone, at which point the landlord said he was looking for a 'quieter type.' This country is insane." Boyd naturally failed to mention that the real-estate agent worked with him with no hesitation, and that the taxi he took away from the real-estate agency was only the second one that he'd attempted to hail.

will they sue The Onion for managing to be the first result for a google search for the?

"Does a Hydrogen SUV make sense then?"

I read on http://www.theonion.com/ that Ford were planning a hydrogen-powered SUV and that if it reached prjected sales forecasts the world supply of hydrogen would be depleted in 20 years.

Consider the plot of the game. A man without duct tape would certainly be in Hell.

According to this article George W Bush has spent $1.29 on twine, but it makes no mention of duct tape. Some have pondered if the Presidential Election in 2004 will be a choice between twine and duct tape.

Now, it is possible to bind a flashlight to a firearm with twine, but I know that most red blooded americans would prefer duct tape. Even if John Kerry is the Anti-Christ.

Not to get all MPAA on you, but when you block the ads, you're hurting the site. Not only that, but you're encouraging "innovation" on the advertisers side to keep you from blocking the ads. This leads to a mixing of advertising and content, so that the web pages start becoming all flash or all pictures so you can't filter out certain images without breaking the whole site for yourself.

Want to keep the subscription sites down and keep the free web up? Leave the banner ads be. Hell, click on them once in a while. If the advertisers and website are satisfied with how their ads are doing, they'll be less aggressive and less likely to piss you off.

no kidding!

I think it's not so much that the American flag was placed on the moon as a show of "one-up-manship". I think it was done, because, hey, what the hell else are you going to do after landing on the friggin' moon? Twiddle your thumbs, and whistle dixie? Nope.

Your going to plant your flag so you can take memorable pictures, afterall....it's a big deal!

...is getting that many liberals in one spot without adult supervision. There should be a 5-mile safe zone around the perimeter to ensure that conservatives and moderates don't spontaneously combust.

In other news, the laser-cannon-enabled crosses of the ridculously Christian right will be set around the perimeter of the Republican convention later this year. Liberals walking within the perimeter will be burned alive instantly, their ashes teleported to Hell, where, according to Rush Limbaugh and his demonic minions, all liberals go.

Finally, independents will sit at home and grouse, "Why the hell do we only have Nader to pick from?"

IronChefMorimoto
Equal Opportunity Troll

Some of the old newspaper coverage from the first moon landing has recently become available again as well.

Last time I checked "Computer Enthusiasts" didn't need a Tivo to capture TV shows and share them. Not to mention the fact that time-shifting is legal. What is next, garrote survivors suing companies that make wire?

http://www.theonion.com/history/index.php?issue=40 28

Tranquility Base: This is Tranquility Base. The Eagle has Landed. Jesus H. Christ, Houston. We're on the fucking moon. Over.

HOUSTON: Roger, Tranquility, we copy you. We cannot believe you are walking on the fucking moon. Repeat: Cannot Fucking believe it. Over.

Tranquility: It was a smooth touchdown. The moon, for Christ's sake, the moon. Over.

HOUSTON: Roger that. Roger that. You're clear for T1, walking on the moon.

Tranquility: We copy. Walking on moon. Jesus. Over.

Soon thereafter:

HOUSTON: Tranquility?

Tranquility: Holy (pause) living (long pause) fuck. (Long pause) Fuck!

HOUSTON: Tranquility, do you copy?

Tranquility: Are you fucking believing this? Over.

HOUSTON: We read you. Over.

Tranquility: I abso-fucking-lutely am standing on the surface of the fucking moon. I am talking to you from the god-damned fucking moon. Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket.

HOUSTON: Holy Shit.

Eh, the whole story is better, so go read it. Those are just a couple exerpts. Someone tell me why we could do it 35 years ago, but it would take 8 years to do it today? To those who would say it holds no value: screw you. It made the whole country (and large parts of the world) dream for a couple decades. Hell, for a few the dream has yet to die. There are value benefits you can't describe in a spreadsheet sometimes.

Personally, I prefer The Onion's coverage of the event. Fair and balanced, you might say.

Damn! The Onion has gone to a subscription model for past issues, but who else remembers the funniest story they've had in awhile?

From the 18 Feb. 2004 issue:

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades

[T]he Ghost of Christmas Future is spending the holiday season taunting modern children with visions of Christmas 2016's hottest toy: the Sony PlayStation 5, a 2,048-bit console featuring a 45-Ghz trinary processor, CineReal graphics booster with 2-gig biotexturing, and an RSP connector for 360-degree online-immersion play.
"You know how kids are--a year is an eternity to them," the wraithlike specter said Monday during a visit to the Southfield home of 13-year-old Josh Kuehn. "So just imagine showing them something they'll have to wait 14 years for. Teasing them with a glimpse of the PS5 is the ultimate torture. They absolutely lose their minds. It's like saying, 'Hey, kid, you'll be an old man before you ever get to touch this.'"...
"I like to appear in the living room with a PS5 hooked up to 2016's most popular TV, the 4'x8' Hi-Def Sony Titania," the Ghost said. "Then, I'll say in my best spooky voice, 'Jimmy! Behold what your kids will be playing while you're slaving away at an office job to support them!'"...
The Ghost said he then likes to show Airsledz, a racing game in which jet-powered sleds whoosh through a four-dimensional racing course in the sky. The game, he said, enables the player to compete online against dozens of other players all around the world.
"They always ask if you can play it on the Internet--it's so cute how they still call it 'the Internet'--and I tell them, 'Hey, you can play this against 63 other PS5 owners simultaneously. At least you can in 14 years,'" the Ghost said. "And you should see their jaws hit the floor when they learn about the add-on accessories that enable users to actually fly around the room during gameplay."

Sorry, your idea has already been taken.

"We've got some very interesting offerings in the cardboard division," Alberts said, gesturing toward a 200-foot-long aisle of appliance boxes. "Now, it used to be that, in order to get a refrigerator box, you had to search high and low, with no guarantee you'd ever strike gold. No longer. We sell our top-of-the-line, Kenmore 25.5 cubic foot double-door refrigerator boxes right here, only $4.79 each."

I used those filters for a while, but I found them too far-reaching. For example, using those filters, some of the content from The Onion and LiveJournal get blocked.

Ahh... man... this is absolutely the funniest thing I've read in a long time:

President Wilson Calls for Creation of Useless World Governing Body - PDF sorry

Read the 14 points

Kid Rock Starves To Death
LOS ANGELES-MP3 piracy of copyrighted music claimed another victim Monday, when the emaciated body of rock-rap superstar Kid Rock was found on the median of La Cienega Boulevard.

Nobody's mentioned The Onion. Yes it has a paper edition, and yes its available at book stores.