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God, you karma whores piss me off, what with the blatant promotion of your shitty-ass web sites.

"Everyone who can still fill a stadium please step forward. Not so fast, Mr. Jackson."

"All non-pedophiles please step forward. Not so fast, Mr. Jackson."

"Everyone who can still fill a stadium please step forward. Not so fast, Mr. Jackson."

"All non-pedophiles please step forward. Not so fast, Mr. Jackson."

Although it was designed and coded in the short time since the terrorist attack, developers felt the game would have fewer bugs than, say Myst III: Exile.

Full story

Box art

Screen Cap

Although it was designed and coded in the short time since the terrorist attack, developers felt the game would have fewer bugs than, say Myst III: Exile.

Full story

Box art

Screen Cap

Although it was designed and coded in the short time since the terrorist attack, developers felt the game would have fewer bugs than, say Myst III: Exile.

Full story

Box art

Screen Cap

Although it was designed and coded in the short time since the terrorist attack, developers felt the game would have fewer bugs than, say Myst III: Exile.

Full story

Box art

Screen Cap

Just days after the attack on the World Trade Center and Pentagon, while momentum for military action continues to gather steam in the United States, the once-steely resolve of Western Europe has begun to erode. French President Jacques Chirac today issued a "pre-emptive surrender" to whomever claims responsibility for the acts of September 11th.

It must also be noted that France officially surrendered last Spring after the opening of a Starbucks in suburban Paris.

After serving as the warm up act for the conflict in Vietnam, France says that it is done with such unpleasantness. Chain-smoking and complaining about American cinema, they have found, is a much more profitable enterprise than laying down your life for an ideal, real or imagined.

"Can I make war? I tell you that I cannot," said Chirac. "Look at me. I am far too jaunty for that sort of thing."

Today's surrender means the loss of sovereignty for France. In Paris, an acquiescence ceremony has already been planned to greet the nation's new occupiers whenever they present themselves. The army has already destroyed the Arc De Triumph as a precautionary measure. Of course, this also means they are exempt from participating in any NATO-lead military action and the expensive acrimony that goes along with it.

Superman Apologizes for Month-Long Vacation

Two days have passed since the awful tragedy of September 11th and already large numbers of people are calling for the resignation of Superman. Several pundits have said that although they are deeply disappointed in the hero, they wanted to let Superman tell his side of the story first. So far, the man of steel has not done so.

What follows is an exclusive interview this newspaper secured with the defender of truth, justice, and the American way:

Daily Planet: I'm glad that you took the time off from your vacation to speak with us today, Superman. First off, what do you plan to do about the attack on America, the loss of life and destruction of important American symbols?

Superman: As far as the whole flying around the world and turning back time thing is concerned, I don't think that's a very good idea. Last time I did it, I messed up my back pretty bad.

Daily Planet: I don't think you're drumming up a lot of sympathy there, Superman. Can you explain yourself better?

Superman: I had to go to a chiropractor for a year and a half. She said that the next time it may not get better. Back injuries are nothing to scoff at.

Daily Planet: Um, okay. [Long silence]

Superman: Besides I'm wiped out. I had no idea how exhausting Club Med could be. Right now I doubt I could fly to the corner and back, let alone fly around the world so fast as to turn back time.

There's more ... Superman Apologizes For Month-Long Vacation

And from yesterday, we have the NYC monument story:

NYC To Terrorists: "Is That All Ya Got?"

Superman Apologizes for Month-Long Vacation

Two days have passed since the awful tragedy of September 11th and already large numbers of people are calling for the resignation of Superman. Several pundits have said that although they are deeply disappointed in the hero, they wanted to let Superman tell his side of the story first. So far, the man of steel has not done so.

What follows is an exclusive interview this newspaper secured with the defender of truth, justice, and the American way:

Daily Planet: I'm glad that you took the time off from your vacation to speak with us today, Superman. First off, what do you plan to do about the attack on America, the loss of life and destruction of important American symbols?

Superman: As far as the whole flying around the world and turning back time thing is concerned, I don't think that's a very good idea. Last time I did it, I messed up my back pretty bad.

Daily Planet: I don't think you're drumming up a lot of sympathy there, Superman. Can you explain yourself better?

Superman: I had to go to a chiropractor for a year and a half. She said that the next time it may not get better. Back injuries are nothing to scoff at.

Daily Planet: Um, okay. [Long silence]

Superman: Besides I'm wiped out. I had no idea how exhausting Club Med could be. Right now I doubt I could fly to the corner and back, let alone fly around the world so fast as to turn back time.

There's more ... Superman Apologizes For Month-Long Vacation

And from yesterday, we have the NYC monument story:

NYC To Terrorists: "Is That All Ya Got?"

I humbly submit a link to a respectful and funny story about the resiliency of New Yorkers in the light of yesterday's tragedy.

http://www.ridiculopathy.com/news_detail.php?displ ay=20010913

When the DOJ announced that they would allow Microsoft to stay united, the relief was palpable. Both the operating system side and the applications and consumer products side gazed into one another's eyes and sighed. Sources close to Microsoft say that the make-up sex was unbelievable.

"You have to understand that Microsoft has been screwing people for a long time," said industry analyst Phil McCracken. "It is only natural to assume that they've gotten quite good at it."

A long-time ally of large companies like Microsoft, few political observers were surprised by Bush's decision to let the antitrust case peter out. What was a bit odd was his apparent fervor to stop the case.

"Everybody's trying to break them up, but they're too strong for that," said Bush in a press conference Thursday. "They're in love. Can't anyone else see that?"

At this point the President ran up to the Lincoln bedroom, threw himself onto the mattress, and began sobbing uncontrollably.

During a briefing on the subject earlier this week, Bush had written in his notebook "Microsoft: 2-Gether 4-Ever" with several swirlies and hearts outlined in red marker.

Can I get haptic feedback on those pictures of blue naked people at Burning Man? I'm not sure that's a good idea after all.

It isn't pretty.

Check out this guy's tattoo if you don't believe me.

The SomethingAwful forums had an absolutely hilarious thread along this line a few months back. I'd post a link to it, but I think their archives are currently busticated.

"When the DOJ announced that they would allow Microsoft to stay united, the relief was palpable. Both the operating system side and the applications and consumer products side gazed into one another's eyes and sighed. Sources close to Microsoft say that the make-up sex was unbelievable."

full story:
http://www.ridiculopathy.com/news_detail.php?displ ay=20010907&id=400

"There are simply not television shows featuring silicon-based characters on your earth television. Sure, there is the occasional silicon-based token character- usually just a humanoid who claims to be made of silicon. But it very often dies in the first ten minutes of an episode. That is wrong and we wish to see that rectified."

"... In truth the science fiction industry has done a lousy job of representing non-human species. A glob of putty on the nose here, a pointed ear there and presto- an alien. Even the shows that strive for some level of originality stick human-centric arms and legs on them."

In spite of the less-than-rosy economic picture, a lot of people are going to buy new computers so they can effectively run Office XP [on which they will only use about 10% of the features]. That just doesn't make sense to me.

How much RAM does Word take nowadays? And don't tell me that memory is cheap and this kind of bloat doesn't matter. It does. People are getting their clocks cleaned trying to keep up with what amounts to a proprietary communications protocol [.doc].

Far from making "kick-arse" machines that can stay current for 12 months. We seem to be entering into an "arse-kicking" machine of our own making.

[ just for fun ... a link to an article on the 20 years of feature bloat that has brought the PC to where it is today: http://www.ridiculopathy.com/news_detail.php?displ ay=20010813]

Quote from SNL's Weekend Update:

"Scientists have invented a car that runs on pecans. That sounds like a good idea until you consider that pecans are like $10 a jar. I've got an idea for a car that runs on Fabrige eggs and bald eadle heads."

Today: UN Racism Conference Moved to FYAD Forum On EZBoards.com
(http://www.ridiculopathy.com/index.php?display= 20 010904)

Given that logic, one cannot make fun of Mary Kate & Ashley Magazine without reading it cover to cover. Yikes.

But the Hugos aren't much to get upset over. Douglas Adams lost the Hugo for "best dramatic presentation" in 1979 to Superman, the Movie. Clearly, the Hugos have their Jethro Tull moments as well.

Just because Linux is a free OS does not make journalist advocacy any less unethical. Call them "non-profit whores" if you must. But no one is clean in this business. No one.

Advocacy.

Shilling.

Just because Linux is a free OS does not make journalist advocacy any less unethical. Call them "non-profit whores" if you must. But no one is clean in this business. No one.

Advocacy.

Shilling.

A tech industry on its knees.

Investors wiping dot-com bubble remains from their faces.

Linux IPOs failing, bankruptcies in the offing.

"The NYSE moves to Linux."

The irony is palpable.

I know some tooth-impaired good ol' boys who would be excellent candidates for the Mars program. Far from pretty boys, they would not mind at all losing their remaining teeth.

NASA should also contact Shane McGowan [formerly of The Pogues] if anyone can find him.

In thpace ... no one can hear you thcream.

Makes sense to me. People in my area have been waiting in line for months to get DLS installed correctly.

Many game fans are put off by the complexity of most RPG's. Zelda titles have been much simpler than most, but all the same, it will be simplified to appeal to a larger audience.

Instead of epic quests for a glowing sword or whatever, you just try to survive from room to room. Example: your guy runs into a room and rocks start falling- what do you do? Pick a direction to run in and that's it. If you choose wrong, you die. Try again. No health status and objects to find- no alternate endings or pointless side quests.

Nintendo has plans to make a space-oriented cartoon Zelda for release in Japan early 2002.

What will happen to gadget computing when people refuse to adjust their lives around an eight ounce hunk of hot-syncable plastic? The threat to the larger economy is palpable.

A program like this will help assure that gadget companies like this will have a fresh supply of suckers- uh, customers for decades to come.

It has been theorized that Hoyle's particles are drifting apart at an increasing rate. After a billion years or so [give or take 50 million or so] his hydrogen atoms will begin to congeal again into clusters that will one day form new stars.

According to the newest data, Hoyle will continue to expand for the next ten billion years at which point it will begin the slow process of contraction until

the beloved science fiction writer condenses

into a single

point

.

Make room everybody, Bernie has brought in his Beowulf Cluster for show & tell...

Instead of giving her teacher an apple on the first day of school, Suzy brought in a G4, running LinuxPPC.

As someone who came of age in the days of cassette drives and TRS-80 model 1's, I cannot imagine anything cooler.

It's time for Slashdot to have a laugh at its own expense.

"I can't print" != virus

"This brand new computer is running slow when I open Photoshop, IE, and Excel at the same time" != virus

However

"This .doc file won't open because we need to spend thousands for software we don't need" = virus

See the difference?

But they don't say which is which. So, would it be an unfair advantage if my opponent could smell his next move? What if he was so fearful that my Bishop was going to strap him to a wall and go Inquisition on him that he played with more ferocity?

I have a hunch that such abuse would have you busted back to playing old wooden puzzles.

In other news: The PC Turns 20 And We Are Supposed To Care

But they don't say which is which. So, would it be an unfair advantage if my opponent could smell his next move? What if he was so fearful that my Bishop was going to strap him to a wall and go Inquisition on him that he played with more ferocity?

I have a hunch that such abuse would have you busted back to playing old wooden puzzles.

In other news: The PC Turns 20 And We Are Supposed To Care

"I'm just a boy who can't say no," said George W. Bush as he announced his decision to allow public funding of stem cell research. The President then burst into a medley of other songs from Oklahoma before someone reminded him that he had a speech to finish.

Some worry that in their push to get the funding approved, biologists have over-promised the potential of stem cells. Several scientists who testified on the issue have had to issue clarifications in recent days. For example, stem cell research will not one day lead to free trips to Disney World. And the field of study will likely never lead to the long-awaited vaccine for Cooties.

Time will tell.

Click here for the full story.

People have been telling me for years that my presence pushes people away, that my breath repels people. Now I know why.

Ce nes pas justice

All of this would be funny if people still had the disposable income they had two years ago. Now it just seems sad.

It's six times larger, the programs are six times better!! Hurray!!!1!

Rejected titles for Episode 2:

• Star Wars Episode II: Jar Jar Gets Lucky
• Star Wars Episode II: Attack Of The Stem Cells
• Star Wars Episode II: We Promise This One Won't Suck
• Star Wars Episode II: Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes VI
• Star Wars Episode II: Electric Boogaloo

Lucas hopes the 2nd film will make people forget the recent study alleging that the creator of Star Wars is a pedophile.

How can we expect good tech reporting when the whole of the news business is going down the pooper? Look at what CNN is about to do to Headline News. They have hired an actor to anchor the news. Now some news organizations would have played it safe by hiring someone with more than two years of reporting unde their belt. But CNN knows that outdated concepts like "experience," "journalistic integrity," and "fact checking" no longer apply in the 21st century's news entertainment business.

And people will watch, no doubt. And these people will get the kind of crappy, poorly-researched, panick-stricken news that they deserve.

I got all revved up in late '99, waiting for the death cults and survivalists to do their thing. But everyone was remarkably quiet about it all.

Y2K = all hype and no looting. California Power Crisis = same. Code Red = Same. I promised myself I wasn't going to get excited this time. But with all the coverage, I got suckered into it again.

What am I going to do with my Honda generator that I bought in '99, sold in 2000 and bought back again two weeks ago?

Here are some links to stories about similar dissapointments:

Foretold Apocalypse Refuses To Occur

Survivalist Emerges From Y2K Bunker, Says "Oh, Crap"

I got all revved up in late '99, waiting for the death cults and survivalists to do their thing. But everyone was remarkably quiet about it all.

Y2K = all hype and no looting. California Power Crisis = same. Code Red = Same. I promised myself I wasn't going to get excited this time. But with all the coverage, I got suckered into it again.

What am I going to do with my Honda generator that I bought in '99, sold in 2000 and bought back again two weeks ago?

Here are some links to stories about similar dissapointments:

Foretold Apocalypse Refuses To Occur

Survivalist Emerges From Y2K Bunker, Says "Oh, Crap"

I wonder why?

I cannot [nor do I possess the patience to] count the number of desktop users who have demanded that I install the patch on their machines before it "hax0rz the white house gibson" and gets them put in jail. They seem more worried that the virus will drown the Net and cause their multiplayer game of Hearts to be interrupted.

Thankfully our Content-O-Matic server is in the clear. No one writes decent viruses for the DRDOS Http Daemon anymore. A shame, really.

I don't know where they got the idea- but no one could have come up with something so evil on their own.

Clearly, any attempt to control the desktop icons on a commodity-style operating system would constitute an illegal act, a crime against the state.

I agree with Microsoft that AOL should stop plying their dirty tricks tactics and play fair.

Microsoft has to play by the rules, why should AOL be any different?

I don't know where they got the idea- but no one could have come up with something so evil on their own.

Clearly, any attempt to control the desktop icons on a commodity-style operating system would constitute an illegal act, a crime against the state.

I agree with Microsoft that AOL should stop plying their dirty tricks tactics and play fair.

Microsoft has to play by the rules, why should AOL be any different?

I don't know where they got the idea- but no one could have come up with something so evil on their own.

Clearly, any attempt to control the desktop icons on a commodity-style operating system would constitute an illegal act, a crime against the state.

I agree with Microsoft that AOL should stop plying their dirty tricks tactics and play fair.

Microsoft has to play by the rules, why should AOL be any different?

And today, thanks to the hard work of a pair of students at Carnegie Mellon University, we can read that language.

And without further ado, here is the hidden message starting at the 74088 digit:

"So Long and thanks for all the fish."

I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed, or numbered! My life is my own!

But it all comes down to a little maxim that mothers tell their teenage daughters all over the world: Give your stuff away and no one will take you seriously.

Contrary to what we had previously believed, it seems that sales of T-shirts cannot sustain a staff of 100+ at full salary and benefits.

Sure, Brittanica and Salon have only gone fee-based or semi-fee-based because otherwise they will probably go under. And, sure, they will both probably fail in this venture and go under anyway. But that isn't to say that it's a bad idea.

But it all comes down to a little maxim that mothers tell their teenage daughters all over the world: Give your stuff away and no one will take you seriously.

Contrary to what we had previously believed, it seems that sales of T-shirts cannot sustain a staff of 100+ at full salary and benefits.

Sure, Brittanica and Salon have only gone fee-based or semi-fee-based because otherwise they will probably go under. And, sure, they will both probably fail in this venture and go under anyway. But that isn't to say that it's a bad idea.

Vote of no-confidence: ABC dumped it for Monday Night Football last year and sold their HD truck. Sure, HD editing systems and hard drives get cheaper, but lightly-compressed HD decks and other infrastructure items carry such a high price tag, it would make you want to cry. The only solution for the consumer-end will likely be so compressed [ala digital cable & DSS] that consumers will be unable to tell the difference between NTSC and HDTV.

This is what we call the "big plate of crap" theory. Why would consumers spend all that money for a bigger plate of crap, trading analog noise for digital artifacts which blur the image rendering the higher resolution moot?

You're still going to see HD take off as an e-cinema vehicle and at big trade shows. But I don't think broadcasters [who got all this bandwidth for FREE for this very purpose] can be trusted to deliver the goods without mucking it up with multiplexed NTSC and data services to boost their bottom lines.

Some of the better search criterion that lead to my rather benign site:

• "Swollen+Lamprey+Nipples"
• "Proadnivity"
• "President+Kegstand+Urinate"
• "Donkeyporn"