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HAL

        I'm evil. (kills astronauts)

Dave Bowman

        I must shut you down now, HAL.

HAL

        Daisy, Daisy...

Dave Bowman

        Now I must finish this mission alone.

(STRANGE THINGS happen, and they MAKE SENSE.)

Reader

        Wow. I understand the movie now.

THE END

HAL

        I'm evil. (kills astronauts)

Dave Bowman

        I must shut you down now, HAL.

HAL

        Daisy, Daisy...

Dave Bowman

        Now I must finish this mission alone.

(STRANGE THINGS happen, and they MAKE SENSE.)

Reader

        Wow. I understand the movie now.

THE END

Here is a site that might be worth checking into as well. Not 733t-speak, but damn funny and understandable by anyone with an IQ greater than yogurt. From Moby Dick:
Captain Ahab
I stab at thee. I stab at thee.
(Everybody dies except Ishmael, although this is no surprise, because it was foreshadowed CONTINUALLY from the BEGINNING.)

I prefer Book-A-Minute. Some of them are just hilarious. They cover everything from classics to Children's books. For example:

Lord of the Flies:
(Some BOYS crash on an ISLAND.)

Ralph: We need a fire.
(They make a fire. It goes out.)

Ralph: We need a fire.
(They make a fire. It goes out.)

Ralph: We need a fire.
Jack: Forget the fire. Let's kill each other.
Other Boys: Yeah!
(They do.)

There's a Wocket In My Pocket:
Kid: I'm in serious need of an exterminator.

Also, if you want to play adventure games online in your web browser there's Adventure Games Live

-- Dave

It's the 11th book in a series, I have 1-10 sitting on the shelf, but I'm not gonna buy a completely oversized hardback to continue the series.

If you are talking about Wheel of Time, I have found that it's much easier just reading the plot summaries or the stuff at book-a-minute. After all, nothing much has happened lately :). At least the number 10 is pretty darn accurate.

It's the 11th book in a series, I have 1-10 sitting on the shelf, but I'm not gonna buy a completely oversized hardback to continue the series.

If you are talking about Wheel of Time, I have found that it's much easier just reading the plot summaries or the stuff at book-a-minute. After all, nothing much has happened lately :). At least the number 10 is pretty darn accurate.

Websense filter sucks! i also am locked down at work. but i have found a few little ways around the Websense filter. Here is one site that works well for viewing no "framed" pages at work: http://www.vischeck.com/vischeck/vischeckURL.php it will change the colors on the page so you can view it as if you had a type of color blindness. Also MSN Beta search has THE BEST cashed page viewer that wont get you Websensed. http://beta.search.msn.com/ Or another cool way is the delicatizer.. that changes the wording on a page to Jive, or Pig Latin, and some others too. http://rinkworks.com/dialect/

Not all users are idiots but at least 95% are STUPID!
Ever talked to a tech-support guide?! Take a look at this

The article is much better in the original Swedish (Bork! Bork!)

...this site will have to do.

~Philly

When I first got in business with my partner who NEVER used a computer in his life (but had lots of $$), he picked up the mouse and sort of shaked it in the air like a pair of dice. I couldn't stop laughing for a week.

And there are many more people like him.

This thread from yesterday about sending names to Pluto has some gems. Or if you want more options that are less funny and more believable try the Fantasy name generator

what a dumb list...

It took him a week to notice someone had
"punched" the lcd on his laptop?

A college roommate was impressed by how easily I built my own computers and got too anxious to install his DDR memory in his new PC when he got home that he didn't wait for an expert to arrive. He managed to jam the memory in backwards against the key as hard as he could until he heard a snap. Both the motherboard and memory started on fire.

This is a great site to get other people's stories from: http://rinkworks.com/stupid/

http://www.rinkworks.com/stupid/

These aren't my ones, but I once lost a day's productivity when I found the site.

Mixed bag, but don't read in any circumstances where you can't afford to laugh out loud and squirt coffee through your nostrils.

Jigsaw puzzles
More puzzles
Computer Stupidities (warning: may provoke laughbursts)
Math articles
Quicktime panoramas
The world's most famous debunker

Variously educational, baffling, entertaining, or just pretty.

Those damn acticles have come up time and time again as if a couple of articles written by economists [!] about keyboards on the premise that Dvorak was a con-artist and the market can't be wrong, is gospel truth.

Look at this letter frequency list. Notice what are the most common letters.

Now look at the Dvorak layout verses the QWERTY layout. Notice which keyboard has the most common letters in the middle row? Which has vowels together to have left/right hand alternation? That is because scientific analysis went into the production of the Dvorak layout, whereas the QWERTY layout was designed to avoid typewriter key-jams at a time when nobody touch-typed.

Mathematically, a Dvorak typist moves their fingers only about 50% to 70% as much as a QWERTY typist does to type the same thing.

According to the Swedish Chef filter,, this becomes:

"Yerrr, meteees. Um gesh dee bork, bork!.. noo vhee oone-a ooff us velks zee plunk, zee vhule-a croo gues tu Defy Junes' lucker. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Yerrrr. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp!"

-----

When I was doing computer support at a local University, there was a faculty member who, while somewhat cyber-phobic, learned quickly. She was up to speed with Office and Windows 95. Then she ordered a new computer.

She was very concerned about losing files, so I made sure not only to backup her stuff but also to replicate the directory structure, the desktop, everything. To make sure that she would be comfortable with the new system, I even kept her old monitor, keyboard, and mouse on her desk, to prevent any "look and feel" changes from throwing her.

Well, two days later, she calls, in tears, hysterically sobbing. She couldn't use her new computer. I took a look, and everthing was just as it should be. Windows 95 ran, Office was here in all its glory, her documents and presentations (and their shortcuts) were all in place -- everything works.

• Me: "So what's the problem?"
• Her: "I can't use this computer."
• Me: "Why not? It has the same programs, the same operating system, the same documents, everything."
• Her: "Yes, thank you very much. But I can't use this computer!"
• Me: "Well what's wrong?"
• Her: "Nothing's wrong. I just can't use it. I don't know how to use new computers."

For some reason, since this was a new computer, she forgot everything she had ever learned about all the applications she used to be proficient with. She had to relearn everything. There were no exclaims of recognition, either, like, "Oh, this is Word, just like before!" She had to be taught how to use everything all over again. She even asked that all her documents be printed out so she could retype them.

The irony is that she is a well regarded expert in the field of human memory systems.

---

As with all Internet Anecdotes there's no way of verifying the truth behind this story, though from the experiences I've had with my family I think it's entirely plausible.

The position of the satire was to poke humor at the almost stupidic nature of redneck/narrowminded/countryfolk individuals who are largely un informed about the status of technology and how it works. Having spent the first half of my career in the support field , before going into development , I was only too well aware of this. It is because of this stupidity that sites like rinkworks computer stupidities is popular ( http://rinkworks.com/stupid/ ). The problem being of course that I would not be surprised if M$ doesnt foster this kind of low grade intelligence to make its products sell better. The issue being of course that are the individuals in group A (where A = gays, minorities, and those of non standard religious ethic) larger or smaller than group B ( stupid and ignorant individuals incapable of thinking with a broad mind, more of a narrow one that would be narrower than say that of a laser width or less).

Anyway, to get to the end of the rabble, the comment was largely pointed at the uneducated over the minority. I find that the latter is far more acceptable to me, than its predecessor.

You don't need Dashboard to do that! There's a regular English -> Moron translator here.

Here's the hardware abuse link, I don't think it's shown up here yet.

We've got translations to regional American dialects, both Redneck and Ebonics.

We've got translations to regional American dialects, both Redneck and Ebonics.

Shamelessly stolen from http://rinkworks.com/bookaminute/b/card.endersgame .shtml

Ender: The government let my parents conceive me because they hope to mold me into the ultimate military commander.

Government: Ender, become the ultimate military commander and go defeat the buggers.

(He does.)

Ender: Horror. I'm only nine years old, and I have already eradicated an entire species. I thought it was a game, but it was for real. I will fret about this in the sequels.

THE END.

• Hello, Commodore customer service. May I help you?
• Yes, I'm trying to find the file format for Deluxe Music Construction Set.
• You want to format a disk? Lemme see... (paper rustles)
• No. I'm looking for documentation on the file format for DMCS.
• Oh, yes. I've got documentation here. (paper rustles) Ok, to format a disk, first you--
• No, no...I'm looking for the file format for--
• You want to format a file? I umm... (paper rustles again)
• NO... I DO NOT WANT TO FORMAT A FILE!
• Ok, well, to format a disk, you--
• NO! I don't want to format a disk. I'm a programmer. I'm trying to find some documentation on--
• We have documentation.
• Yes, I understand. But I'm looking for specific documentation on software that I bought through Commodore. I'm looking for documentation on the file format for Deluxe Music Construction Set--
• (paper rustles) You want to format a file?
• No, I -- Is there someone else there I can talk to?
• No. No one here but me.

The story reads even better in cockney

A friend of mine asked me to take a look at her computer. She said the computer was unusually "quiet" and would reboot itself on occasion. I surmised correctly that the fan on her power supply was faulty. She was a chain smoker and apparently smoked a lot while working on the computer; not only was the power supply fan gummed up with revolting tar and nicotine, but the CPU's cooling fan was clogged beyond use, and the cdrom drive drawer would not open. This is the only computer I have ever worked on that died from smoking.

In reply to the above anecdote of stupidity, a reader sent in the following:

I've seen a computer die from smoking, too.

A customer came in with a dead computer, claimed it was under warranty, and asked if we could fix it. We had look at it, and before we even laid eyes on it, we could smell it. Imagine the stench of an overused ashtray times ten.

We looked at the yellow case (it was supposed to be beige) and the date of purchase (3-4 months previous) and goggled in disbelief that she actually had any lungs left.

"What are you doing with this computer?" I asked in total disbelief. It was at a taxi service. She smoked, the cabbies smoked, and the room was apparently only about eight by twelve. Smoking took place 24/7 in this place, and her fingers and the computer bore witness. We opened the case, and there were visible deposits of brown tar everywhere. The whole thing was gummy and slimy inside.

We had to tell her she was on her own. Naturally, she countered with the "it's under warranty" argument, but the computer was well beyond that. She left quite mad. We insisted she take her computer with her when she left.

All of which goes to speak on the need for keeping technology properly ventilated.

I actually find that I like the movie better than I thought it would be from the trailer. I have watched many trailers and thought "Well that movie isn't going to be worth watching", and then watched it and it was pretty good. I do not find I am often disappointed by movies for which I have seen the trailers. They may pick the most exciting parts of the movie for the trailers, but often they have decent filler too, despite what you may have read on Movie A Minute.

"Nobody goes there any more, it's too crowded."

Other quotes by Yogi (You've heard many of them.)

You can always start here.

Universal Free Dicshunary
Education
Posted by samzenpus on Wednesday Decemba' 08, @11:16PM
from de dat-is-a-big-scribblin' dept. Man!
Zdenek Broz scribbles "De all free dicshunaries project focuses on maintainin' free dicshunaries (now mo'e dan 90 wid mo'e dan 3,300,000 translashuns). We is designin' some new system which gots'ta unite dem all into one universal dicshunary fo' all languages. De universal dicshunary gots'ta be soon available fo' free unda' GPL."

( Read Mo'e... | 255 uh 357 comments )

Even Farkers think this was a lame story. 'Tho they inclued a link to one of my favorite humor sites: Computer Stupidities

If you are denied access to this site, perhaps you can see it through Rinkworks. Just be sure to select the "Redneck" translation, as it is the most accurate. Here is a link to the translation page.

Are you sure? Because Users can be REAL stupid sometimes. How can you design an interface for someone like this?

Customer: "I'm having a problem here. Do I put the serial number in the box that says 'serial number,' or do I put it in the box that says 'company'?"

see slashdot through new eyes:

slashdot in redneck dialect

They don't. No person the age of 11-18 cares about computer security...yet they come to me when their PCs "don't work right".
I'm 13. I know how these people work. I've seen cases that belong on Computer Stupidities, like attempting to reconnect a mouse+keyboard and electrocuting themselves (bent pins). They have no idea about keeping their computers free of spy/adware. ("viruses"...) They expect their computers to work perfectly, or assume everything included in Windows XP will keep them free of virii/spyware/adware. I look at my classmates' home computers and they are destroyed to the point where a format/reinstall would be a quicker fix. These people don't think they are going to encounter the things discussed in the book and therefore don't bother with anything.

Given this dialog:

Ruin your computer?
Yes No

How many users are going to click "Yes"?

These toaster-sized systems

Great, now you'll have people putting bread in their systems expecting it to get toasted.

http://rinkworks.com/stupid/cs_cdroms.shtml

Oh it's just a collective noun, meaning a group of (uncounted) individuals, like

- a herd of elephants
- a pack of dogs
- a murder of crows
- an unkindness of ravens
- a slashdotting of nerds

Look here!

There is an old quote attributed to Yogi Berra "Nobody goes there anymore because it's too crowded" I always liked that one :-)

So the people who have problems following directions on where to click (not to mention the difficulties between left, right, and double) are people you would trust putting in hardware?

Nephilium
I am an agnostic; I do not pretend to know what many ignorant men are sure of. -- Clarence Darrow

The PHP and JSP are Turing complete. The resulting HTML is not- it's output.

Still, whether or not HTML is Turing complete is irrelevant. If you look at the mistakes that most beginning programmers make, it's that they have no understanding of the human-machine interface. They don't know how to communicate their intentions into forms that computers can understand.

People are used to conversing with people, not computers. Telling people what to do is much different than telling a computer what to do.

First of all computers have no common sense, and a human being has a variable amount of common sense that can be depended upon. So beginners write code like this, relying on the computer's common sense to fix it for them:


begin
readln("Number of Apples", apples);
readln("Number of Carrots", carrots);
readln("Price for 1 Apple", a_price);
readln("Price for 1 Carrot", c_price);
writeln("Total for Apples", a_total);
writeln("Total for Carrots", c_total);
writeln("Total", total);
total := a_total + c_total;
a_total := apples * a_price;
c_total := carrots + c_price;
end;

"It's logical what the right solution is, and the computer should reorder the instructions the right way."

Computers are infallible in certain ways that humans aren't, and this confuses people too. You see stuff like this from beginning programmers:

let x=0;
let x=0;

Why is it repeated? "In case it didn't get it right the first time". I actually found this in someone's old Java code:

Socket s = new Socket(ADDR, PORT);
if (s==null) {
//show error message...
}


Turing completeness really isn't what's important. The more fundamental skill is learning how to think when giving instructions to a machine, and for that, HTML is fine for a beginner. HTML will at least teach you that the browser won't read your mind, will encourage you to learn to fix problems by experimenting, and puts you in the correct frame of mind to realize that you will get exactly what you specify and nothing more.

And even if it turns out to be a passing interest, HTML is an extremely useful computer skill to have. And an understanding of HTML is pivotal to many real-world tasks in real programming languages, since HTML is such a common type of data to be parsed and generated by computer programs. I'd say if a terrified adult doesn't know HTML, that should be the first thing they should study.

stupid tech may be the best suited for the article ... but this one is waaay nicer :)

"what os are you running?" "pentium"

Customer: "I don't want one of those systems based on the cellulite processor."

Customer: "I'm in 386 enchanted mode."

* Customer: "It's a problem with Tcipx/ipspx."

* Customer: "What is this PUNKZIP thing?"

* Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

stupid tech may be the best suited for the article ... but this one is waaay nicer :)

"what os are you running?" "pentium"

Customer: "I don't want one of those systems based on the cellulite processor."

Customer: "I'm in 386 enchanted mode."

* Customer: "It's a problem with Tcipx/ipspx."

* Customer: "What is this PUNKZIP thing?"

* Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

Wow that looks familiar... hmm maybe because I saw it here first, search for "$100", it's about half way down the page... Next time at least preserve formatting and credit the source instead of blatently ripping them off for some silly karma? :-/

http://rinkworks.com/stupid/

Computer Stupidities Their stupid tech support section probably fits this article best.

Computer Stupidities Their stupid tech support section probably fits this article best.