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Sorry, there is prior art.

I haven't watched cable TV in 7 years.

Area Man, is that you?

Actually I was trying to link directly to a funny Onion headline but slashcode wouldn't let me. Here's a link that doesn't try to go straight to the pdf.

Damn you for beating me to it!

Herbert Kornfeld is the guy's name.

The Dalai LLama
don't forget to guard yo' grill against dem computa bitchez...

Damn you for beating me to it!

Herbert Kornfeld is the guy's name.

The Dalai LLama
don't forget to guard yo' grill against dem computa bitchez...

This sounds like something concocted at theonion.com

Why stop there with a user seeing an ad, why dont microsoft take vertical control of the market, and make it so that the computer is microsoft, the electricity is microsoft, and while at it add binary code too

The Onion, Area Man Constantly Mentioning He Doesn't Own a Television had a great article that captures how annoying preachy people like you are. Enjoy!

CHAPEL HILL, NC--Area resident Jonathan Green does not own a television, a fact he repeatedly points out to friends, family, and coworkers--as well as to his mailman, neighborhood convenience-store clerks, and the man who cleans the hallways in his apartment building.

"I, personally, would rather spend my time doing something useful than watch television," Green told a random woman Monday at the Suds 'N' Duds Laundromat, noticing the establishment's wall-mounted TV. "I don't even own one."

According to Melinda Elkins, a coworker of Green's at The Frame Job, a Chapel Hill picture-frame shop, Green steers the conversation toward television whenever possible, just so he can mention not owning one.

"A few days ago, [store manager] Annette [Haig] was saying her new contacts were bothering her," Elkins said. "The second she said that, I knew Jonathan would pounce. He was like, 'I didn't know you had contacts, Annette. Are your eyes bad? That a shame. I'm really lucky to have almost perfect vision. I'm guessing it's because I don't watch TV. In fact, I don't even own one."

According to Elkins, "idiot box" is Green's favorite derogatory term for television.

"He uses that one a lot," she said. "But he's got other ones, too, like 'boob tube' and 'electronic babysitter.'"

Elkins said Green always makes sure to read the copies of Entertainment Weekly and People lying around the shop's break room, "just so he can point out all the stars and shows he's never heard of."

"Last week, in one of the magazines, there was a picture of Calista Flockhart," Elkins said, "and Jonathan announced, 'I have absolutely no idea who this woman is. Calista who? Am I supposed to have heard of her? I'm sorry, but I haven't.'"

Tony Gerela, who lives in the apartment directly below Green's and occasionally chats with the 37-year-old by the mailboxes, is well aware of his neighbor's disdain for television.

"About a week after I met him, we were talking, and I made some kind of Simpsons reference," Gerela said. "He asked me what I was talking about, and when I told him it was from a TV show, he just went off, saying how the last show he watched was some episode of Cheers, and even then, he could only watch for about two minutes before having to shut it off because it insulted his intelligence so terribly."

Added Gerela: "Once, I made the mistake of saying I saw something on the news, and he started in with, 'Saw the news? I don't know about you, but I read the news."

Green has lived without television since 1989, when his then-girlfriend moved out and took her set with her.

"When Claudia went, the TV went with her," Green said. "But instead of just going out and buying another one--which I certainly could have afforded, that wasn't the issue--I decided to stand up to the glass teat."

"I'm not an elitist," Green said. "It's just that I'd much rather sculpt or write in my journal or read Proust than sit there passively staring at some phosphorescent screen."

"If I need a fix of passive audio-visual stimulation, I'll go to catch a Bergman or Truffaut film down at the university," Green said. "I certainly wouldn't waste my time watching the so-called Learning Channel or, God forbid, any of the mind sewage the major networks pump out."

Continued Green: "People don't realize just how much time their TV-watching habit--or, shall I say, addiction--eats up. Four hours of television a day, over the course of a month, adds up to 120 hours. That's five entire days! Why not spend that time living your own life, instead of watching fictional people live theirs? I can't begin to tell you how happy I am not to own a television."

Area Man

I swear there was something like this on The Onion one time, complete with picture and all.

Already happened

Finally! A chance to post this link!

Girlfriend Stops Reading David Foster Wallace Breakup Letter At Page 20

Death, a metabolic affliction causing total shutdown of all life functions, has long been considered humanity's number one health concern. Responsible for 100 percent of all recorded fatalities worldwide, the condition has no cure.

Remember the MS-libraries you paid for? Ya, there's your vulnerabilities! ;)

As for spyware, I blame Rumsfeld.

Is it true that FI is just off the coast of Bulungi?

U.S. Dept. Of Retro Warns: 'We May Be Running Out Of Past'

Don't laugh, in 50 years you may very well be taking your grandkids to a remake of Star Wars

Or at least a cartoon adaptation -- oh wait what's that 10 minute thing on the cartoon network?

I don't think Hollywood gets it: people want new stories, not rehashes of bad 90's syndicated TV shows. Sequels, prequels and remakes are notably uncreative. Now I'm sounding like Rumsfield.

I foresee some argument along the lines of "If we do this, will be able to soup-up the performance of their cars, and escape capture.

Too late.

This one seems fairly recent.

I don't know what Dubya's camp is up to with all this space exploration/Mars stuff, but it just seems fishy to me.

First they spend (waste, IMO) billions sending probes to Mars (right after wasting millions or billions on a war) ...

Nice to meet you Mr Green. :)

Snippet from the article:
Those living near one of the closed Starbucks outlets have reported strange glowing mists, howling and/or cowering on the part of dogs that pass by, and electromagnetic effects that cause haunting, unearthly images to appear on TV and computer screens within a one-mile radius. Experts have few theories as to what may be causing the low-frequency rumblings, half-glimpsed flashes of light, and periodic electronic beeps emanating from the once-busy shops.

Transformer Refuses To Change Back Into Volkswagen

CYBERTRON -- Following an intense battle with Megatron and his evil Decepticons Monday, former robot-in-disguise Bumblebee refused to revert to his natural state as a yellow Volkswagen Beetle. "I hid my existence in this world by taking the form of a vehicle! I revealed my true nature when I was called upon to protect earth!" said Bumblebee, a member of Optimus Prime's heroic Autobots force. "I refuse to change back into a humiliating bubble-shaped compact car!" Bumblebee added that Megatron arrived on earth with one goal: Destruction!

(from The Onion)

I think the document you are referring to was written by this guy

BullShit.

Everyone knows that it's not until the Playstation 5 comes out that Sony finally emerges victorious.

Thanks for your post! However, Slashdot law now requires me to post this link and compare you, unfavorably, to the individual represented therein. It's nothing personal, mind you, just something that has to be done.

Have a nice day!

Vision of Playstation 5

http://www.theonion.com/onion3604/doesnt_own_telev ision.html

Props to someToast@Konfabulator Forums.

This is one of the stupidest posts I've ever read. All I have to say is this.

Obligatory link to Onion article about guy who doesn't own television:

http://www.theonion.com/onion3604/doesnt_own_telev ision.html

Man Constantly Mentioning He Doesn't Own a Television

According to this story, Stephen Hawking already designed and built something better. "I am faster, stronger... better than before," Hawking told reporters via his suit's built-in voice synthesizer.

Steven Hawking has been using this technology for years!

You're right that my post confused fauna with flora. And volcanism does only account for around 3% of CO2 production nowadays. The Cretaceous, of course, was a different story. You still can't discount the effect of a single erruption emitting tens of thousands of tons of CO2 all at once.

70,000 people in the 20th century were killed by volcanos. Popocatepetl could do a lot more environmental damage in a single day than Exxon Mobil could do in decades. Why do environmentalists quake in fear of Exxon, but smile at old Popo? Nature is our enemy.

You wouldn't go so far with your fear of anthropengic CO2 as to advocate stopping the removal of toxic petroleum from our national parks, would you? If we've learned anything from the dinosaurs it should be eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow Deccan Traps will cause a nuclear winter, a giant meteor will strike, a nearby star will go supernova, or methane will belch from the sea.

P.S. Most of this post was meant to be sarcastic.

and he looks really pissed about it too.

who read this article title as "Sponges Master Nano-technology, Humanity Doomed"? Maybe I'm just having a Morbo moment. Well, In the spirit of "I, for one, accept our new nanotech sponge overlords yadda yadda", here's Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs

That's when a lot of people watch TV. And as far as modern scientific instrumentality can tell, only the Neilsen families watch Friends.

To put it more succinctly, you're being an elitist prat. No one is impressed by you "I don't even own a TV" people.

I dont know about that, but the PS5 is still slated for 2016

clicky clicky

Did you guys see this article? The pager is the least of our worries...

sev

I was amazed when I clicked on the story link and found myself someplace besides The Onion.

Bah. Old news. He was found last week.

directly from this weeks onion:

Teen Responsible For All Six Items In Clarksburg Police Blotter
CLARKSBURG, WV--According to sources at the Clarksburg Telegram, troubled youth Danny Nathum, 17, is responsible for all six items on Monday's police blotter. "We had two disorderly-conduct reports, three counts of vandalism, and one DUI arrest," Telegram assistant editor Jesse Sutton said. "Looks like Mr. Nathum had himself one heck of a busy weekend." Clarksburg, population 16,743, last experienced an all-Nathum crime spree in December, when the teen stole a bicycle, burned down a barn, and punched Old Man Herman.

To me, this read like a (rather well done) social satire article or humor column. In fact, I had to keep looking up at the URL to convince myself I hadn't been redirected to something at "The Onion".

I have definitely been noticing this trend and I don't like it one bit, but it doesn't seem there is very much I can do about it apart from abandoning some web sites that are not too essential.

For example, I haven't gone to www.washingtonpost.com since they introduced their new "super-nosy" registration policy (and I used to go there almost every day). On some other web sites I give fake information(OK this doesn't really solve anything, but dammit I am not going to let them win...)

In any case, I can easily forsee the day when there won't be any "free" news sites that do not require registration. Except the Onion. There will always be the Onion. (Knock on Wood...).

CEO of Gilette says "Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades"

Man this article just cracked me up.

Transporter

Point-Counterpoint: Wines

[Counterpoint: I Hate You, I Hate You, I Hate You]

Is that right? Are there some excellent wines coming out of Argentina these days? Please, tell me more about Argentine wine. Tell me everything you know. I'm begging you.

God, what a colossal prick.

A lot of people here might enjoy this conversation, but I'm not one of them. Who gives a shit where you get your wine? The way you're guzzling it, I'd be surprised if you can even taste it. And I'm really impressed by your references to gauchos and the pampas. What a worldly, cultured man you must be to know those two words. Should we have sex here or in one of the upstairs bedrooms?

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.

If there's one thing more irritating than wine guys, it's wine guys with personal-space issues. I can hear you fine: Quit acting like the music's so loud that you have no choice but to lean in close to my ear.

Do you ever shut up? I wish I lived in your world, where I could spew a nonstop stream of dull facts and think people actually care. If you love the Mendoza region so much, why don't you move there? No, I'm not going to buy a case of anything, I'm just looking for a graceful way to get away from you. Where do you think you're putting your hand? Oh my God. He actually just did the invisible-lint thing. I don't think I've had a guy try that one on me since college.

This would be a great time to kick someone in the testicles. I wish I had the assertiveness to say something, but I haven't even had a chance to open my mouth. I've just smiled politely and nodded. Won't someone please get this guy away from me? Won't someone please hold a loud conversation about golf or foreign cars that this guy will overhear and want to join? Oh, how I long to hear this man say to me, "Excuse me, but I need to set someone straight about the merits of the new Big Bertha XP-200 titanium driver."

Thanks so much for your card. I'll be sure to use it if I ever need a piece of scrap paper.

Did you guys see the opinion piece from the Gillette CEO? That is good reading... Funny stuff...

http://www.theonion.com/opinion.php?i=1&o=1

Or this...