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Advice for a Dad-To-Be?
chrysrobyn asks: "Huzzah! After a few years of trying, my wife is pregnant (due 5 November). I've read about fellow Slashdot readers who are some new and experienced parents. I've certainly read about lots of people getting engaged and married. I'd like to ask for advice on the matter from people in my demographic. What do you wish you had known before child #1 was born? I'm not asking 'how does a geek raise a child?' or 'how do I overclock the activity sets?', but I don't personally know many two income families who are in this position. We sometimes work long hours, and that will either come to an end or we'll put in lots of effort to work around that. What do I do? What do I expect? Are there any products to stay away from? I'm going to be a dad!" Congratulations, on your new family member, chrysrobyn!
1. Food goes in the noisy end.
2. Diapers go on the stinky end.
3. NEVER EVER get those ends mixed up.
All Troll + "offtopic" mods are meta moderated as "Unfair", because you abused the system.
Never ever leave an unlocked keyboard. Even Linux crashes before the mighty baby! No matter how safe PC parts seem, don't leave them laying around. Experiments in edibility are a baby specialty. Sleep whenever you get a chance. You won't get many. Being a geek, caffiene is already your friend, it will become moreso. And most important: remember your wife! She is the one going through the pain and labour that makes upgrading an old VAX server to run Linux look like a walk in the park!
You can have it fast, accurate, or pretty. Pick any 2.
I'm sick of these Ask /.s that can be solved with a simple Google search! If you can't figure out raising kids with a quick Google search, I don't know how you can call yourself a geek!
Seriously though, keep your sense of humor and perspective on the whole experience. If you have the humor of a kid, then you can understand a lot of what makes them tick, and can see things from their point of view. If you work on this, then you can see the world through your kids eyes. This not only helps your personal enjoyment of living, but help you see how to deal with those arguments/fights/frustrations as well. If you can see it in your kids perspective, then you'll be better able to troubleshoot or debug the situation.
For reference, I've got a 5 year old boy and a 4 year old girl (with apraxia). Congrats and have fun!
I am, and always will be, an idiot. Karma: Coma (mostly effected by
Buy legos. Looottttsss of legos. =)
1) Do not tell anyone you are pregnant until 12-15 weeks. Miscarriages are quite common and you will feel horrible if it doesn't work out.
2) Do not tell your friends/family the sex or the name of the baby until he/she is born. If you tell everyone these details upfront, there is much less suprise and interest when the sepcial day finally comes. I have had 2 sets of friends who were told the wrong sex (it is never exact unless you have genetic testing) and boy were they red faced (and stuck with the wrong clothing and no name).
3) Buy a PVR or a TiVo if you ever want to watch TV again. PVR's are a new parents best friends.
I gave up on alot of the extra hours in the office, and switched to doing more of that extra time from home, when the baby was asleep
Don't shortchange yourself or the baby, go home, spend some time! You'll kick yourself later, they grow real fast.
gratz, first of all...
My partner and I had our first child 7 months ago, and it has been wonderful, we, like you are yours, both worked long hours and made a choice, luckily, my employer has allowed me a flexible schedule (nights and weekendss for a couple of years) so that I can stay home with our child. If the possibilty of one of you staying home does not exist, and you do not have a trusted friend or family member to look after your child, and thereby witness a ton of firsts, you need to start looking now for a day care provider. Pimp friends and family for recommendations, check with the local child and family services organization regarding the recommendations, and then do two visits, on announced, and then one not announced, so you get a feel of the places.
Secondly, baby monitors can wreck havoc upon wifi systems, even if they aren't in the same frequency range. Don't ask me how, I have stopped trying to figure it out. We only use the monitor when it is necessary.
If you are working while watching your child, be prepared to work in 15 minute spurts, and choose tasks that you can leave undone and go back to. Your child may be wonderful in this regard, mine is happily playing away in his exer-saucer while I am doing this, however, some children need constant attention and interaction.
Learn to take time for yourself, and learn to give your wife time as well. Your little bundle of joy will be just that, but he/she will also be exhausting, physically and mentally. In a good way, not in an up-all night because someone forgot to process a batch job corectly way...
Buy a car seat that is set up to be "staged" meaning that it has settings for newborns, babies and toddlers, it will cost more in the short run, but in the long run, it will save you having to buy three car seats. Same with the travel system.
Also, buy a wipes warmer. It sounds odd, but your child will be much happier having himself cleaned with a nice warm towelette as opposed to a cold one.
Most importantly, enjoy. This is a wonderful time, an excellent time, and so full of amazing activies.
It is a great excuse to get new hardware, digital cameras, photo printers and such.
Good luck and congratulations.
If you want a kid. I think you should also want to raise that kid and either one of you should, if financially possible, make the carreer sacfice and stay home with the kid and raise it. It makes no sense to me the people that seem to want to work more than raise their children.
"I would rather have your time than your money" --Henry Rollins Jan 14 2003 on the topic on internet file trading
...at the hilarious Dad Again series on Slate.
You will be exhausted at first. Don't try to be goal oriented and work while the kid sleeps... Sleep when they do, it is more important than a perfect house, or whatever you are hacking on.
Trust me, Sleep is priority one for the first few weeks.
Cuchullain
"If sharing a thing in no way diminishes it, it is not rightly owned if it is not shared." -St. Augustine
Your life, I mean how you perceive yourself and how you act and react, is going to change. Everything begins to go through the 'I am a parent' filter. Exactly what will be different? I can't tell you, it's different for everyone. Like someone else said, keep your sense of humor and enjoy the ride!
Speaking from experience... Even though the baby isn't due till November, and probably will be mostly immobile till sometime next February, start preparing and working on stuff now!
My wife and I did a lot of things to get the baby's room ready but we didn't figure we needed to do the childproofing stuff till the baby was learning to crawl. That's around 4 months at the earliest, but you will spend that first 4 months actively caring for the baby or sleeping. If you aren't feeding the baby, you are changing the baby, if not that you are changing your close because of one of the prior two. If the baby is asleep then you are asleep. Even when you are at work, you are probably sleeping. Next thing you know the new baby is crawling and then it is all you can do to play catch up with all the things the magazines say you should have done by now.
Next piece of advice, ignore the magazines, you will get enough of the "good parents do this" when your new baby is a teenager.
...are the worst ;-)
-psy
www.HearMySoulSpeak.com
You won't sleep. No, really. Don't kid yourself that "the wife will take care of everything". Expect to have to do at least one night feeding with a bottle (or, if you're not going to give the baby a bottle at all, helping the wife by diapering, fetching things, etc).
Even after the baby's grown a bit, don't assume that you can watch her and work at the same time. It won't work very well.
Contrary to all the jokes, in-laws are a godsend. If your mother-in-law wants to come over to help, and she's not some sort of psychopathic murderer, take her up on it. An extra pair of hands really makes a difference.
Also, before the baby comes, you and your wife should talk about her working after the baby comes: yes, or no? If yes, how long until she goes back to work, and how will the baby be cared for?
There are plenty of books on this subject; even a few that are dad-specific. Take a look at Amazon.
Time no longer functions normally. Maybe it's the sleep deprivation, maybe it's the way that I forget everything outside of the moment as soon as I get home and my girl smiles and reaches out to me. At any rate, I was working around the home yesterday when I suddenly realized that 10 months has gone by and I didn't even notice; none of the projects that I started 11 months ago have moved any farther.
I guess I'm saying forget your priorities, and forget your life as you know it. Learn to enjoy that new bundle of life and don't sweat the little stuff (i.e.; everything else!).
----------- Sig what?
I suppose I should have expected this, but the speakers were safe around his less-curious sister (7 years his elder).
Once they get mobile, they can and most likely will destroy anything they can out of sheer curiosity.
While you're locking up valuable/fragile stuff that you don't want broken (the $100 VCR is prolly worth taking a chance with), don't forget general baby/child proofing of the home. There's plenty of sites on advice about this. You won't let the kid out of your sight, of course, but it is better to be safe than (very, very) sorry.
You could've hired me.
First, be prepared to be *very* unproductive at first: your first weeks, if you are actually involved in the baby, will wipe you out totally. Eventually you will get focus, time, and productivity back.
After a couple of months, my wife and I moved to an alternating-days arrangement. On work days, I can work as hard or as long as I need, but on baby days, I'm entirely on his schedule. Keeping these separate is actually a great arrangement, because you can totally "be there" in both realms. It boils down to a 3-day workweek, so not everybody can do it, but if you can, I recommend it.
Last, pump the downtempo groove stuff. My little guy has spent tons of time dozing on my shoulder in front of cool XMMS visuals (GOOM) to SomaFM's Groove Salad stream. It either puts them to sleep or at least mellows them out. Subwoofers make happy babies!
When my first child was born, the biggest shock to my system was how much time my wife and I had to spend doing child care. Babies are helpless, so you gotta do everything for them. Maybe if I had younger siblings (or wasn't such an idiot) I was have known what to expect, but I was completely caught off guard.
Forget working on any type of hobby or non-essential home project for at least three months (probably more).
Get a diaper genie. NOW. Trust me. These things
make life so much easier.
Huggies rock, and are usually cheaper than anything
else. Don't get sucked into the cloth diaper BS.
It's a massive pain in the ass and not worth the
time.
Get very nervous if your child get diarea and it
lasts for longer than a few days. Take them to
the doctor. Constant diarea can mean that they
have a virus and it will dehydrate them very
very fast no matter how much pedialyte you push
in them.
Do a lot of research before selecting a pediatrician.
Try asking your wife's OBGYN who they recommend.
They'll probably know who in the area is the
best choice.
Your wife will act nuts and insane for a while.
Try to be patient and not drink too much, even
though it does help.
Do NOT get a cheap stroller. It will only piss
you off in the same way that very cheap tires on
a car will piss you off in the way they want
to follow every line and groove in the road.
Decide early on if baby is going to bottle feed,
or breast feed. From tons of recent experience,
Playtex VentAire bottle absolutely rock. You can
get a 3 pack at wal-mart for 10 bucks. DO NOT
get Doctor Brown bottles. They are a shitty pain
in the ass to clean, expensive, and DO NOT work
as advertized no matter what Oprah says. Nobody
should be watching Oprah anymore anyway.
Hope this helps.
For every annoying gentoo user, are three even more annoying anti-gentoo crybabies. Take Yosh from #Gimp for example.
apros pos of parenthood in general:
There aint no pancake so thin it doesn't have two sides.
I reject your reality
I tried the Google search, but thanks to some A-lists tech blogs all I got was 30 links about how raising goats will lead to peace, universal love, harmony amongst nations, free (as in beer) music ...
... when oh when will something be done ????
If I'd tried this 42 days ago I would have discovered the meaning of life....
Another example of Googlewashing
"Get rid of the computer."
Fuck Slashdot
- Remembers why you had kids in the first place. I think a lot of people go into having kids with the vague idea that it will be "fun", and then don't have a good foundation when it turns out to be a lot of work. Having kids isn't fun - it's the creation of a new person. These are not pets, they're people, and for that reason their value cannot be reckoned.
- I would strongly recommend that you consider whether having two incomes is worth it. The bottom line is that, when all the accounting is done, it rarely pays to have two incomes. First, decent daycare is expensive - for anything worth having, at least $700-1000/month/child. Second, there are many hidden expenses of working - how often do you eat out because everyone's too tired to cook? How much do work clothes cost? The net effect is that I'm not sure many families make any more money by both working unless they have very special skills (i.e. doctor,lawyer,etc) or have free childcare.
- The good news: your kids won't be little forever. Hang in there.
- The bad news: your kids won't be little forever. Don't squander the terrible twos sitting in front of the TV or the playstation.
- Get your finances in order. Yes, really. The best thing you can do for your kids is have a good marriage (divorce devastates kids, and anyone who says otherwise is deluded.) And the first best thing you can do for your marriage is to have your finances in order. This doesn't mean making a lot of money, it means not spending money you don't have. If you don't have a budget, make one: http://www.snowmintcs.com/ offers some good software to help.
- As soon as the baby's old enough, arrange a date-night at least once a month. (Typically, "old enough" is about six weeks.) This follows from the previous: the second best thing you can do for your marriage is to spend time together away from the kids. And don't forget to have fun: this shouldn't be a time to bitch about money.
- Following the previous two: if your marriage starts to fall apart, do whatever it takes to stop that. If that means quitting your job and being home, do it -- there's always welfare. Don't wait for the divorce notice to start working on your marriage. (And, oh yes, run like hell from adultery before it happens to you.)
- If someone decides to stay home with the kids, the YMCA is your friend. I'm not sure how common this is, but here the YMCA (1) gives membership to anyone, even if they can't pay and (2) has free childcare while you work out. The time away from the kids is important.
- One thing worth noting: most of the things kids really need cannot be bought, and most of the things that are really good for them are free. A public playground is good for kids on about sixteen million levels - and that $20 toy will be busted within a week.
- This is a team effort: get as much help from the family as you can. But this is your responsility, don't let grandma run your kid's life.
- Discipline early and often, and consistently. How you discipline (i.e. spanking or not) is not nearly as important as being consistent. A book called 1-2-3 Magic offers an excellent start on a good pattern of discipline. Also, if you wait until the kids are three or four to start disciplining, you're doomed. Start when they start crawling and they will grow into it.
- Most importantly: the goal of child-rearing is not always a happy kid. It's a happy, productive adult. Sometimes, the kid needs to cry today to smile tomorrow.
Okay, there's more to say but that's all that comes to mind."He who would learn astronomy, and other recondite arts, let him go elsewhere. " -- John Calvin, commenting on Genesis 1
In no particular order:
0 005YVRN/qid=1049477770/sr=10-1/ref=sr_10_/002-6279 546-3886455?v=glance&s=baby&st=toys), you'll be glad you did.
** You will not sleep. Not like you're used to. You might get one good night after 8 months. Eventually this will go away.
** Music works wonders. For my daughter, it was the Doors. Keep experimenting.
** Consider the Ocean Wonders Aquarium (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B0
** Get on your hands and knees and crawl around and look at your home from THEIR perspective.
** Enjoy the hell out of them. Yes, YOU made that.
** Realize you'll never look at life the same way again.
Good luck.
-J
The opposite of progress is congress
Our baby was colicky. You can't believe how bad this is. He screams like he's being tortured all night and there's nothing you can do.
All the medical sites say there's no cure except to wait it out. Our pediatrician concurred, though we tried all sorts of things.
Finally, I found a suggestion on the Net that worked.
REMEMBER IT. TELL YOUR FRIENDS:
Baby Zantac (or any equivalent medication). Our baby had acid reflux and it was burning him, causing terrible pain. Few doctors seem to consider this, but at the very least try it among the other steps you take (eliminating dairy products and the other things they'll suggest).
I REALLY wish I'd known at the start. You can't believe how miserable it is for both baby and parents. I don't know if this will solve all colic, or just some, but at least try it and tell other parents to try it.
(And, no, I don't represent any drug company. Use whatever your pediatrician suggests for acid reflux.)
"Those who have never entered upon scientific pursuits know not a tithe of the poetry by which they are surrounded."
My only experience with kids is that I was one, so this is probably a bunch of crap, but here goes:
1) RAISE your kid(s). That means you have to be with them. This is a full-time job...I think it's terrible when dual-income no-kids (DINKs) become dual-income with kids (DIWKs). Somebody has to adjust their schedule to take care of the kid full-time. Raising kids is the most important "job" we have as human beings. Try and keep this in mind. If you wonder why people are so stupid or selfish today, it's probably because they weren't raised by anybody in particular.
2) Does your wife want to give birth in a hospital? There are many options for natural childbirth that are much less stressful on kids and parents. Cutting parts of her body to aid childbirth, the stress of a hospital environment, docters, nurses, and interns you don't know sticking their fingers in your wife, etc. I don't think a doctor is need at birth any more than a doctor is needed at conception. The lower stress of alternative childbirth can actually make childbirth easier for your wife. You might also hear about natural ways to stimulate the body to relax the muscles, etc. But of course this is up to her, hopefully *she* is doing her own "ask slashdot" somewhere to get more information... many women try it on the second child, if not the first.
This is stupid geek parent advice, but whatever. I thought a wifi laptop would be perfect for parenting. However, the screens are just too damn fragile. I say this after replacing two screens. Keep your laptops away from the kids.
Also -- by age 2.5, KidPix is your best friend. After lots of initial frustration learning the mouse, they'll play with that sucker for hours. And they learn lots of basic GUI skills. Perhaps that's terrible, having a kid internalize GUIs are we know them. Hmmm. Either way, make sure you've got a screen you don't about finger smudges on. Removing finger-grease laced with juice, paint, and boogies from your expensive 18" LCD screen every day will start to make you cry. Or maybe that's just sleep deprivation.
You might also try some web games -- I know a little girl who highly recommends Rolly Polly Ollie and those damn Disney Clay games. Damn that Disney, they firgure something out and kids get sucked in fast. However, if you've actually read and loved the A. A. Milne books, under no circumstances should you surf to or purchase anything related to "The Book Of Pooh" or you'll be cursing while your kid's entranced by total crap. Freakin' Disney sucks the life out of everything, but kids don't care how stupid it's become.
A poster above said his wifi was killed by his baby monitor. This didn't happen to me at all. So caveat emptor. Baby monitors are horrible, anyway; they screech static or make those tiny little ticking noises that you'll never notice until you're trying to get some much-needed sleep. Rig something up with a spare PC + sound card + wifi and serve a live ogg stream from your kid's room.
Okay, yeah, that's a terrible idea. But hmmmm...then I could listen to the baby montitor from anywhere in the world!...
As the father of two, I think the "common knowledge" is true, but it won't sink in until you go through it yourself. But just in case, here are the highlights:
- it is a lot more work than you think it will be
- you will get less sleep - plan on it
- your fun activities will pretty much stop
_What To Expect When You're Expecting_ was the best book that we looked at. That series is good, but shows so many possible problems that you might get depressed. You won't encounter most of the problems in those books (knock on wood). But when you do, the advice is usually pretty good.
The one thing that I wish someone had told me early on was: use your vacation wisely. Sure, I saved up for the birth, but I used most of it in the first few days after my first son was born. With my second son I rationed a lot better, so I was taking three or four half days per week instead of full days up front. My wife was so happy after the births that she could handle the first few days well, but it was the cumulative lack of sleep from the all night feedings that was killing her.
Another thing that we had problems with was managing relatives. They came over and "helped out", but often just wanted to play with the newborn instead of doing useful stuff. For us that would have been helping with the older kid (doesn't apply to you yet), cleaning up, preparing meals, and genearlly running the house. The new mom is usually quite happy to attend to the newborn, but everything else gets pushed off. If no one in your family wants to help with this stuff, and you don't have the time to handle it by yourself, plan on hiring a maid to stop by once a week. It would be money well spent.
Another thing I learned the hard way: don't get a puppy when she's 5 months pregnant. Having a companion for our first child sounded like such a good idea at the time, but boy did that backfire. We still have the dog, but there were more than a few rough moments. And anyway, kids don't really start playing with dogs until they are 3-5 years old.
It not all sunshine and fun. You will do things you don't like (imagine crawling around the carpet looking for bits of crap when the kid took his messy diaper off). You will spend more money than you want to. But if you're anything like me, it is all worth it in the end. They're the greatest things in my life and I wouldn't give them up for the world. Except maybe for some peace and quiet....
- doug
PS: While this isn't "News for Nerds", I really think it qualifies as "Stuff that Matters".
After a few years of trying.... You're a geek so I must assume you consume coffee (or other sources of caffine) galore. Next time, cut it out of your system. Ditch the tighty whities and put some boxers on. Yeah, I know there are many other reasons conception can be difficult, but those are just two pieces of advice for the rest of the the readers here.
NEVER repeat NEVER argue with a pregnant woman.
The hormonal changes during pregnancy are 7 times the hormonal changes that cause PMS, so even if you win you will loose.
Step One: lighten up. You're the dad, and you're married. You won't get to do the fun stuff unless they let you. 'They' is your wife, her friends, her sister(s), your sister(s), your mother, your mother in law, etc. All of this is good, as if you start to smell poop, you run for another room. Doesn't matter which room, as long as the kid isn't there. Another good hint is to look at her sister, your mother, etc. and say "Oh, isn't it cute when Junior does this?" then run to the other room. Their ability to let a kid sit around in a poopy diaper is much less than yours. Trust me.
/.
While naked kids running around are kinda funny in a Lord of the Flies way, they will piss on things even more indiscriminantly than a vile cat. You have been warned.
Read my journal, and look at my friends list. I've written plenty on the subject. Go to www.marotti.com and look for my 'geek dad' writings. Honestly, I've already covered most of the basics on the subject.
What else... Learn to work the repeat function on your DVD player. The kid's favorite Disney flick plus A->B repeat equals hours of peace and quiet.
Newborns and infants don't do much. Oh, it'll be interesting as hell for you, but they really don't do anything. Eat, crap, sleep, repeat. If you're lucky (there's two types of luck;) you'll get a screamer. That would be my sister and her husband as infants.
Cut back on the work. My father is a physician. Did and does work 60+ hour weeks. Mother used to run his office, and did the same. I had more toys and other shit growing up than probably 99% of the people out there. Didn't make me any happier than spending time with the folks.
Enjoy the sex while you can. It IS going to change. But I'm sure you can get plenty of advice on masturbation from almost anyone on
Jesus was all right but his disciples were thick and ordinary. -John Lennon
That you always have to use birth control
Seriously we had our first a bit early in the marriage. We had accepted the risk of getting pregnant and all so it wasn't like it was that big of a deal. I did find that my son liked to beat up keyboards. I gave him an old broken one that he used to drag around the house by the cord. He kept it until the keys started falling off. Then it became a choking hazard. One thing that I miss is not seeing many movies in the theater anymore. Those are now few and far between.
In Republican America phones tap you.
always, always, really always carry a clean handkerchief.
Beat'm... beat'm twice a day whether they need it or not. My pa gave us an ass whoop'in twice a day everyday, except when we were bad, then it was more. It made me the man I am today, a homicidal, red headed step child. Hmmm, on the other hand maybe this isn't such good advice...
Note to humor impaired social workers: don't waste your time looking up my folks, they weren't really like that at all.
Norris/Palin 2012
Fact: We deserve leaders who can kick your ass and field dress your carcass.
Of course you'll have to deal witht the Evil Cloth Diaper Keiretsu, but that just makes things interesting.
I have to laugh out loud when I see the wipe warmer on the list of "must-haves."
We regard it as one of the signs of an "uber-mom." Right up there with Eddie Bauer stroller, the $75 patagonia fleece jumper that will be outgrown in 2 months, and yoga for infants. (Don't get me wrong, we put our kids in play groups, but not $20/hour ones.)
Also, as far as the point about car seats, I would NOT recommend getting one that fits 3 stages. The goal is not to but the least amount of gear, the goal is to protect your child's little melon. As such, you should get the safest and most highly tested one for infants, even if it only lasts you until 20 pounds. Then you can get a convertible one that lasts through the next two stages. By convertible, I mean it faces backwards until they are 1 year/30 pounds, and then faces forward. Don't be afraid to drop cash on a nice infant seat.
Who gives a rat's ass if it clips into the stroller (most will sit safely on the stroller anyway). Get a basic, decent, light stroller, they're worth it in the long run. I know there are a lot of gadget geeks out there, but the modularized crap they sell you is mostly garbage.
I am not yet a parent, but hope to be soon, and we're actively trying. This is a subject very dear to me.
A lot of personality is laid down very early (first few years,) be it nature or nurture. This is what kind of person your child is, and how your child relates to other people. If you're actually bright creative geeks, raise your own kids if you can.
We won't be a 2 income family. Childcare is so expensive that the second salary means a lot less, especially compared to actually knowing and raising our own kids.
Your family can be a big help. Do you want to live in a big extended family? How involved do you want the grandparents to be? I'm hoping they'll spend a lot of time staying with us, because we both adore our parents. My wife spent a lot of time with her grandmother as a child, and I knew my grandparents very well too. We're both glad of it. Remember, they've done this before.
Think hard about how to get time with your family. I'm still trying to figure it out. Consult, contract, go cold turkey on half my salary so we could live on a teacher's pay? Moving's out because we want to be close to the grandparents.
My father was a college professor, and we got 3 month family vacations most years, in addition to 2 weeks off for Christmas. We often went to visit the grandparents on those vacations. When I started to think seriously about raising kids, I realized how difficult it will be to have anything like that with my own kids.
Tangentially, I think a lot of geeks, (or more generally intellectuals) underestimate people. People can be most complex and rewarding things you will ever encounter.
Assembly is the reverse of disassembly.
If you are smart, don't buy too many toys that
make loud noises. It will only drive you bugshit
down the road.
Kids can't see in color for a while. There are a lot
of neat toys specifically designed in neutral colors
in high contrast. I know my daughter prefered these
toys for a long time.
Canon Powershot cameras rock because they can take
short, high quality movies with sound that are
emailable. They are also built very tough. I think
I've dropped my Powershot S110 about a hundred
times and it's still working perfectly. They are
also compatible with Gphoto2.
They make this thing that's like a pacifier leash
that you can attach to your kids shirt. VERY VERY
cool. It means that your child will learn how to
get their own pacifier when they want it, and it
will always be handy.
DO NOT waste money on a basinette. You'll end up
getting rid of it in a year. Start out with a
decent crib that will last 3 years. On that note,
do not let the baby get used to sleeping in bed
with you and the missus. You'll have hell to pay
breaking them of that habit.
Onesizes rule. Get plenty of onesizes.
Get a good electric swing. They come in very handy.
Start your baby out early in the swing so they
get programmed to understand that it's nappytime
when they are put into it. It's great when you
and your wife need time together.
A lot of babies are lactose intolerant at birth,
and don't get comfy with lactose until later.
If you are going the formula route, lactose free
similac mixes very very fast. We carry a few
Playtex VentAire bottles with us with water in
them, and a can of this stuff wherever we go. You
can make a bottle in about 15 seconds with
practice.
Hope This Helps.
For every annoying gentoo user, are three even more annoying anti-gentoo crybabies. Take Yosh from #Gimp for example.
I hate to mention possibly bad outcomes to the pregnancy, but it's better to find out some things ahead of time.
At about 20 weeks, your wife should be tested for celiac disease. It's basically a gluten intolerance that ruins your intestines. While that's bad enough in its own, research has linked the presence of celiac disease to "unfavorable" pregnancy endings (i.e. miscarriage, stillbirth, etc.)
The other bit about celiac disease that nobody seems to mention is that quite often pregnancy can trigger it. So, even if your wife is fine now, I would still highly suggest getting tested before the halfway point of the pregnancy.
My wife and I lost our baby at 37 weeks in December. She has since been diagnosed with celiac, and the doctors think it may have been a large contributing factor.
Don't take any chances!!!!
This should get you started
I wonder if there's a Geek Fathers club...
--
Mando
I'm not familiar with your terminology. Do you mean Incept date?
Many congratulation, even if I have no useful advice to give.
Political Correctness is doubleplusungood.
...if you collaborate with other people on line with IRC, get a really good IRC proxy, such as ezbounce or dircproxy. That way, you can log all of the IRC traffic that occurs while you are away. Believe me, you'll be away from your box a lot more when Junior shows up.
Support your wife. Really. When motherhood happens to a woman, it is highly likely that the activities of motherhood are more important to them than their positions in the workplace. This is a really good instinct, and it holds the fabric of society together. Be prepared for this, and be prepared to unconditionally support her desire to care for your new child. Work hard and play hard: there is no happiness like domestic happiness.
I was quite surprised by the sophistication of my child's emotions. (My child is probably typical in this respect.)
When he was about 6 months old, he was trying to do something. His attempts were pretty silly, because of his inexperience with the world, and I laughed at him. Not a big laugh, just a chuckle.
When I did, he suddenly got a look on his face that was absolutely clear. He was obviously very offended. Then it quickly changed to embarrassment and he stopped trying to do what he had been working on and refused to try again.
I was really shocked. I had no idea that a 6-month-old baby could understand that he was being laughed at (not with), nor that he was capable of having his pride hurt.
I assumed babies were simpler, with very simple emotional responses to physical needs and wants. I never imagined that I could hurt a baby's pride.
I guarantee it never happened again. Since then, I've been very careful to treat him with a lot more respect.
I should also say that he resembles me a lot and I can pick up his emotions easily because I recognize my own reactions. I never realized how difficult it is to be a baby or small child. They have LOTS of fears and frustrations. The worst for him appears to be a frustration at the lack of control he has over his own life. If I want something, I can just take it, and he knows that. If he wants something, he has to ask, and more often than not the answer is a "No" for which he has little appeal. (It's often something dangerous that I can't compromise on.) That lack of control is very stressful to him, which is something I hadn't anticipated.
Take their emotions seriously. Imagine yourself in their position and have some empathy for how tough it would be. It seems to be approximately as tough for them as it would be for you in the same situation, which would be pretty tough if you think about it, so try not to automatically say "no" just for your own convenience. Think about how you would like to be treated if you were trapped in their situation, and treat them accordingly.
"Those who have never entered upon scientific pursuits know not a tithe of the poetry by which they are surrounded."
The guy asked specifically for product advice and against his wishes you genius moderators have instead modded up the stupid geekish parent crap he said he didn't care about. This is the only post here that deals with products specifically. This post also didn't get all high and mighty and lordly like some of the other shmucks getting +5.
My wife gave birth last thanksgiving morning, so my daughter is now ~4 mos old.
When she first got preganant, she didn't want to go to an OB/GYN, but instead go to a birth center and be with midwives. I thought it a bit granola at first, but went to the open house to see what they had.
The place was across the street from the hospital, and they commented on how they can get a mother from the birth center to the delivery room/OR of the hospital in 3 minutes in case there's a problem (like an emergency C-section). The midwives (in MA) are certified. Then they showed us the rooms, which looked more like a bedroom than a delivery room. Then I got to see the "closet of infinite medical gear", which pretty much sealed it for me.
On the plus side to all this, our HMO paid for everything except the $10/visit copay. The attitude there was a lot nicer than going to a hospital/doctor office. You go in, get the checkup, talk about what's going on, and leave. Almost all our appointments had less than 5 minutes of waiting after we arrived. We didn't get the sense they were trying to rush us out the door to see the next patient.
Next tip: breast feed. The diapers are less stinky.
Tip #3: Take as much time off work as you can. I took ~6 wks off and thus did not kill my co-workers (hi Rich) due to lack of sleep.
The most important thing I can say that won't help you right now is teach the child sign language. Learn some basic sign language (eat, drink, sleep, ouch). Start at around 6 months. By 9 months they will be able to tell you when they are hungry. This is wonderful and simplifies your life.
My son is 15 months old and knows eat, shoes, on, and "more" as in more food in sign language. We started him at 12 months. He can only say momma, dadda, hot, look, shoes with his voice, the sign language helps other things. Using sign language and voice he vocally says "shoes" while signing "on". My sister in law is trying to teach him "shiznit" and I'm trying to teach him to say "drunken flirt". In sign we are working on bath, dog, drink, mom, dad, thank you, and milk.
I recommend the book Sign with Your Baby by Joseph Garcia.
ISBN Number: 0963622927 for searching
Amazon.com link Hopefully this one works.
For all of our shower gifts to our friends and family we get this book. It is so worth it.
First congratulations!
Help out with early-morning/late-night duties while your wife catches some sleep. I caught up on Sci-Fi I had saved on the Tivo when my son didn't want to sleep.
If you enjoy doing an activity, do it (within reason, of course). My wife and I like to travel and eat-out. We went out with a 7-day old baby. Not a fine dining experience, but a local restaurant where the atmosphere wouldn't be destroyed by an unhappy baby (he was fine). This way, your child will be used to the experience and will know what to expect from the beginning. We also took him along on a road trip from OH to FL when he was 8 weeks. He's 3 now and travels extremely well in the car.
Children change. What works one week may not the next.
Mylicon. Ask for it by name.
Don't be so busy with your lives that you miss out on your kid's.
Don't be afraid of going out by yourself with your child. Your wife has the materal instincts but that doesn't mean you can't do it too.
Others have said it to but it's worth repeating: Great excuse for cameras, camcorders, and other toys.
Forget about having a neat and tidy home. You'll be able to have nice stuff again in about 18 years. <G>
You will hear things coming out of your and your wife's mouths that you never thought you would. Pay attention and laugh at these times. A good sense of humor goes a long way.
You can set up a wiki page like these guys did. :)
That's really fun and will positively stimulate your "demographic"
You mention that you are both working long hours. Do a detailed analysis of your post-child finances and compare that with your wants/needs. You may find that having one of you stay home is quite viable.
I remember watching a show where they had a couple where both parents worked - I think one even had two jobs. They got on that treadmill and didn't think they could stop and still cover their expenses.
When an expert reviewed the situation they found that she could quit. The IRS was taking a huge chunk of the incremental income and all the extra expenses made necessary by both of them working (more car usage, clothing expense, child care, housekeeping, eating out, etc.) ate what was left.
The wife on that show broke down in tears - both in joy that she could finally stay home with their kid like she wanted and anger/sadness that they hadn't known that she could have all along.
This all depends on you and your wife's wants and needs of course. Just don't assume you both have to work to make ends meet.
Congrats and kudos on getting that little tax-deduction cranked out just before the Dec 31 deadline (you get the deduction for the whole year). I'm hoping my wife and I will be in a similar situation soon so I'm keeping an eye on the advice.
~~~~~~~
"You are not remembered for doing what is expected of you." - Atul Chitnis
Even if you know this, you will not do it. But it helps you sometimes when you're really wiped out: nothing in your life will stay constant ever again. Pregnancy changes day to day... sometimes up, sometimes down. Usually a few of those in the same day. Kids are worse, because you want so badly to understand them...
Example: my younger daughter is now 9 months old. Two weeks ago she would sleep through the night without trouble. Now, suddenly, she wakes up at 2AM and starts screaming and crying for about 30 minutes until she decides that wow, she's tired, and promptly goes back to sleep.
Now the first time around, if that had happened, it would have rattled me. Is she teething? Is she hurting somewhere? Is she insecure, spontaneously colicky, overtired, over-rested... what could it be?! Really, kids never stay the same for more than a few days. Call them phases if you like, but really it's not that clear anyway. This girl is going to cry from 2 to 2:30 every night until she stops, at which point she'll start walking --- out of the blue, mind you --- and that will quickly be followed by another set of problems.
If you try and look at parenthood as something you can understand, control, or diagnose, you will get more exhausted than you need to be. Everything will surprise you from this point on, but at the very least don't let your surprise catch you off guard.
The world's only surviving livewriter.
1 - Learn about pregnancy and child birth. If you are a geek and truly like knowing how things work then this will blow you away. My wife and I took one of the natural child birth classes. She did deliver naturally but that doesn't really matter so much. What was best about it was that we were very well educated and always knew what was happening and what to expect next. This is not the norm. Most couples that I spoke to were completely ignorant and completely scared about child birth.
2 - Kids like a routine. Think about it. Everything that a young child experiences is new. Their little minds are searching for patterns. Sometime a little routine can go a long way.
3 - Get sleep when you can. I made the mistake of taking on an extra programming project thinking it would be good since I could do it from home. As a result I worked when our baby slept. I never slept. Sleep deprivation can ruin the great experience of having a baby. Some sleep deprivation is unavoidable but don't let your gaming, programming, surfing habits get in the way of some quality sleep. Oh yea, don't be fooled into thinking you can get much of anything done while your baby is awake. It doesn't work. Focus on the baby or focus on work. You will be much happier and effective that way.
4 - Exercise. I can't tell you how much it helps to get out and clear your head. Having kids requires a lot of energy. Exercise goes a long way towards cultivating this energy.
5 - Know that your life will change. Your priorities will change. Some of this will be difficult if you aren't ready for it. If you are a busy person already then you will give something up - maybe a lot. Accept it and move on. It's so worth it but you may not always feel that way.
6 - Someone before me mentioned the importance of maintaining your marriage. I can't stress this enough. You and your wife have to make time for each other and work hard at appreciating each other. It's all too easy to get totally focused on the baby and forget everything else. You need each other. The baby especially needs you both. Find out what makes your spouse feel happy, loved, romantic, etc. and do it often. You have to work at it - both of you. I have seen way too many friends split up lately because the stress of kids made them loose focus of what is truly important.
Check out The Story About the Baby. The first year of a child's life, as seen by her dysfunctional geek of a father. Not only is it a great introduction for what to expect, it's hilarious as well. Should be at the top of any geek parent's reading list.
Chelloveck
I give up on debugging. From now on, SIGSEGV is a feature.
1. Get lots of sleep now..
2. Pampers are a waste of money.. go with luvs
3. Walmart has a very nice baby section much
cheaper then babiesrus.
4. Do those last minute extreme things you always
wanted to do.. Like skydive. After the baby is
born your SO will freak if you do them.
5. Dont bother starting any big household
projects.. once the baby is born you wont have
time to finish any of them. I stripped wall
paper off my stairs about a month before the
baby came.. 4 months later I am just getting a
first coat of paint on it.
6. Did I mention sleep??
7. If you are in the habit of taking work home all
the time.. forget it. Make a point to leave it
at work if possible. I used to be a total
workaholic and did geeky projects all night as
well.. Thats all gone now, but trust me..
playing with you kid will make everything
better:)
8. Try getting the baby on a schedual asap.. It
might be a lousy one like wake up every 2
hours for food, but at least it will be
predictable. My daughter only got up once a
night after a few weeks, and was sleeping
through the night by 1 month.
9. Start saving money now.. all that baby stuff
costs a bundle.. I think I spent about 3k
before she came along and about 1k since.
And that didnt include any hospital bills.
10. SLEEEEEEEEPPPP! Glorious sleep..
Lamaze is a euphemism for robot training. Take a Bradley course, or at least read "Husband Coached Childbirth." Learn everything you can about childbirth. There is no way you can make informed consent during labor if you are trying to take in new information while your wife is in pain.
I have three and we did the last one at home. Home is double-plus good. Hospitals cause many of the common complications, like unnecessary C-sections. Hospitals want you to do thing their way, even if that is the wrong way. If your wife has a strong desire to walk around during labor, take off the monitor and walk with her. Don't let the nurses tell you that hospital procedure requires that she be strapped down.
Get a lactation consultant in early if there are problems. Find one recommended by La Leche League. Breast feeding is so much easier for everybody, Mom included, but it's not easy for some babies to get the hang of it.
Other posts said it better but your life will change in ways that you cannot imagine. Good luck.
Buy her a nice glifing rocker chair for those nigths she will be up feeding the baby. Also, get her some sort of a Tivo type thing for when she is up feeding him in the middle of the night and there is nothing on tv.
If you make a comment to Huggies on their website (Good or bad comment), they will send you a coupon for a free pack of diapers. Also, you will start getting tons of crap in your mail. Look through it, there ar some good coupons in there. We were getting a free coupon each month for Carnation formula from a magazine we had gotten signed up for.
Finally, formula smells bad. For the first several months of their life, your baby's formula will smell worse than their crap. Trust me on this one. The faintest whiff of formula just turns my stomache now.
Most of all, just have fun! Enjoy your baby the first few days when all he does is sleep (It won't last long!). Make sure your wife gets plenty of rest, she'll need it the first several months.
Enjoy your baby!
Chris - Father of a 9 month old boy
I just had my second yesterday. I am trying to remember what life was like before the first, and I can't remember all the ways I had to change to adapt.
This sounds pretty basic, but it is more important than you think. Take time to be with your wife. She is going to go through an emotional roller-coaster ride and she needs you around to support her. If you can, go to the doctor visits with you and try to be as familiar with what she is going through as you can.
Also, after the baby is born, you have to come home after work and let her rest. She will be working with the baby 24x7 and every moment where someone else is watching the baby is a break for her.
If you get along with your parents or her parents pretty good, consider inviting them over to live with you for the first few months if it isn't too much of a problem. Having an extra hand and the extra experience is invaluable for both of you. I can't imagine raising the first baby through the first few months without my mother-in-law to tell us what is normal and how to deal with it.
The radical sect of Islam would either see you dead or "reverted" to Islam.
For years, everyone seems to have thought that flexible means how late can I come in, and how late can I stay
My wife and I went the other way, she goes in "later" (she gets to work at 9:00), and I go in early, and leave early - I'm in at work before 7:30am, so I get home first. We did it this way because I'm the cook in the family
BTW Congrats - it's a trip
-- 73 de KG2V For the Children - RKBA! "You are what you do when it counts" - the Masso
Never would have thunk it. How did you guys get those chicks to marry you anyway, leave alone to have sex. Is there a HOWTO?
they can get a mother from the birth center to the delivery room/OR of the hospital in 3 minutes in case there's a problem (like an emergency C-section).
Try holding your breath for 3 minutes.
Try it, then see how long it takes your psuedo-medical team has to get the doctor up to speed as to what's happening, what's been done, and to figure out what to do next.
60 seconds without oxygen is enough to cause brain damage in a newborn. An accomplished OB/GYN can do a c-section in 10 seconds if necessary.
Don't get me wrong, I know that most deliveries can be done without any doctor intervention whatsoever, and up until the last few years, most medical birthing techniques actually interfere with the natural process. BUT when things don't go to plan (and depending on what stats you read, that can be about 20% of the time, esp. for 1st time moms) you need a doctor, and you don't need one across the street.
Part of the reason that ob/gyn malpractice insurance is so high is due to people who rush into emergency rooms after trying home births (granted, not what you're talking about here). A doctor has never seen you, never seen your ultrasound, doesn't even know your blood type or allergies, and are expected to rescue the situation.
Science is a good thing people. If you live within driving distance of a city, you should be able to find a birthing center that has midwives, doulas, AND doctors all under the same roof. Anyone that doesn't probably isn't responsible enough to be running a birthing center anyway.
>I wouldn't worry much about that. I don't expect LOAD "*", 8, 1
Dang. You were the guy I used to envy. At my house it was LOAD "*", 1, 1 and then go off to make myself a drink while it loaded.
-:-
Be as open, eager, and fast to recognizing your child's successes as you are to noticing, catching, and punishing his failures / wrongdoings. When the report card comes home with five A's and a B, think before you ask 'Why did you get a B?'
Glonoinha the MebiByte Slayer
Take every bit of advice about raising children you ever read in books and completely forget it.
God forbid you neglect and abuse them, but the "parent method" books don't seem to work for a lot of parents (scheduling feedings around the mom?!) because kids aren't necessarily wired the way shrinks want them to be raised.
Don't ever let somebody convince you that your child needs Ritalin. Ritalin is evil and will destroy your child.
Try and do private school - or even better, home school.
Lose the second income. Somebody needs to play "mom". Even better is do work from home if possible. Adam@home, anybody?
And since we're on working at home, the kid will want you to know what s/he's into (you know that excited babbling that kidlings go into when they get inside from playing?), they want to know what you're doing. If you code in C, teach him C. If you speak TCP/IP, teach him zen and the art of Internet Protocol. Yes, it's a little old fashioned and traditional to pass the trade down to the next generation, but it's a good way to bond.
Most importantly, love and cherish that child like they were an extension of you. Frankly, that's exactly what they are - half you and half her.
Good luck and congratulations.
This sig no verb.
Firstly, you and your wife must decide in advance the following: 1) Natural birth or with pain killers (drugs, epidural, etc.); 2) To snip or not snip if it's a boy (we opted to not circumsize, as it's not required) and don't let your doctor give you shit either way; 3) To snip her or not (the episiotomy). Getting these medical questions settled beforehand will ease the stress during the thick of things.
Go out and buy yourself a copy of The Complete Tightwad Gazette. It'll be the best $13 you ever spend. Don't let the title scare you -- in addition to providing novel ideas on how to save money (my wife and I are frugal blackbelts), there's a lot of stuff dealing with children (the author had six).
Accept the fact that your lives will suck at some level until 18 years after the birth of your last child. Most will be due to money (diapers and wipes are a horrible money sink), time (once they hit school age, you've lost 9 months of vacation opportunities), and/or stress (why won't he stop screaming?!?). Life will suck, in some form, for a long while. The degrees will vary, but it will be constant. But it's unavoidable. :) Don't judge me on this assertion -- I wouldn't change having kids (4-yo boy, 7-yo girl) for anything. I'm just pragmatic about parenthood. There are some things that are simply better about life when childless.
On the flip-side, always remember that there will be joys introduced into your life that you cannot even fathom right now. I cannot provide examples, as they differ for each kid and each parent. These joys will more than compensate for the rough road ahead.
Until my son was born (the wife and daughter were a package deal), I was all for both parents working. Having seen both kids in and out of daycare, I have to admit that I feel that at least one parent should stay at home at least until all kids reach first grade. They are much better off without the influence of other neglected kids often found at daycare (this is from observation).
Avoid letting the kids get sucked into TV. Personally, the only thing we now watch as a family is the occasional rental or ST:TNG on DVD (the series). We get 2 fuzzy channels that we don't ever watch (not cable or dish). You and the kids have much more time to do other things. Trust me on this. Don't let the tube be a babysitter!
Get the kids hooked on healthy food early in life. My kids don't get boxed cereal -- oatmeal, porridge (cooked steel-cut oats), and cracked wheat are our cereals. We all drink water instead of juices and sodas. We eat a ton of whole foods, and rarely ever buy pre-packaged/prepared foods. I'm appalled at the quality of the foods in public schools -- our daughter takes her lunches 95% of the time (and she complains about the food when she doesn't).
Keep the kids on the teat as long a possible. This should be self-explanatory. Formula (and the companies that make it) is evil, as well as expensinve.
Shun antibiotics unless really necessary. Our kids have yet to need them.
Make sure your wife stays fit during the entire pregnancy. My wife did some yoga and we took a brisk walk nearly every day. She popped out our son effortlessly, without any anesthetic, went grocery shopping with me the next day, and she healed very fast (wink-wink, nudge-nudge).
You're in for a great time!
Now is where I risk a negative moderation... We stopped at two (only enough to replace us both), and got fixed. While I attempt to not pass judgement on families with tons of kids, I urge all prospective parents to think about why they may want to have more than a few children. I live in small, rural town in the heart of Mormon country. LDS families are typically very large. I cannot believe how (to be polite) un-tamed most kids are where we live, and most are from large (geater than 3 kids) families. Yes, this is
Method of processing duck feet
If you and your wife are both working outside of the home,
or too engaged with work to parent effectively, you should
hire a full-time nanny. The nanny should be a long-term
position, lasting at least through first grade, not a revolving
door job. The nanny will be your child's actual parent.
You will be a roommate.
-I like my women like I like my tea: green-
One more thing... You need to baby proof your computer!
You won't need to do this before they are crawling, but you should so you don't have to worry about it later.
Make sure all of the cables behind/under your desk are out of baby's reach or secured. Little boys in particular are fascinated by cables, and they will pull on them and chew on them. You don't want our infant pulling the power cable out of the back of your computer and then chewing on it.
If your computer is somewhere that your baby can get to the front of it, either move it or buy a case with a locking door over the buttons and drive bays. My son LOVES pressing buttons. He especially likes the power and reset buttons while you are working. The CD Drive open buttons are also one of his favorite buttons to push. He will push them and try to play with the CD tray. If you have an expensive burner, he can and will quickly destroy it. He can also hurt himself on it if it closes while his hands are in it.
Invest in a wireless lan setup.
Ducktape all pc buttons and switches.
Minimise crawl space behind desk.
Get drool proof keyboard.
Mount all phones at least 4 feet high on wall.
Install toilet seat lock.
Try and hide all and any wires.
Get a remote controle for baby, and hide yours.
There is a lot more but you have to find out some stuff by yourself buddy otherwise where is the fun eh?
Here's my short addition:
1. Remember that your little ones are little only once. That program or script your banging out, as important as it is to you, can wait. The time you spend with your kids is worth so much more.
2. As a parent, you won't be perfect. In fact the perfect parent doesn't exist. Just follow your heart and do what you think is best for your family, and you'll do fine.
Congrats! Get ready, your life is about to change...
First, start learning basic sign language now.
Then, sign while you speak to the child. The child's primary block to communication is learning how to make the sounds.
The child won't be able to do the signs precisely, but you'll have communication earlier and it won't slow down the vocalization.
(My uncle had success with this method.)
Buy a digital camera now. Learn to use it. We bought a CoolPix 2500 the month before the baby got here. 2MP, about $180, images up to 1600x1200, flawless reprints up to about 8x10. Buy 2 additional memory cards for it, too. We have a 128M card, and it holds 273 pictures at 1600x1200, high-quality mode. Drop it to 1280x1024, and it jumps to over 500. You can probably get away with 64M cards for a 2MP camera. Photo Printer. Epson Stylus is nice, but the color cartridge is one cart for all 6 colors. Just get one that prints photo-quality. Go to Besy Buy or something and hit all the demo buttons. Then, when Grandma visits, you can take a picture of her and the baby, pull it off the camera, and print it right there before she leaves. Find a hosting site to put Gallery or something on. Figure out the best way to get your pictures from your camera into it with the least fuss, realizing you will have no more than about an hour at a time in the first 3 months to work on the pictures. Buy a decent photo program. Not Photoshop or a professional graphics program, but an actual digital photography editor/organizer. I have Roxio PhotoSomethingSomething, was about 40-50 bucks at CompUSA. Does all the red-eye, organizing, etc etc. Does PhotoMosaics. Does printer layouts, where you select a page of, say, "2 3x5, 4 wallet", then drag pictures onto the page, and create a single page of pictures to print. You don't have to have the $100 versions of, say, Adobe Photo Elements or stuff, but don't skimp and buy the $14.99 "WalMart Photo Editing Program with Free Cheese".
This space for rent. Call 1-800-STEAK4U
Depending on the circumstances, the doctor may advise waiting much longer - perhaps even a year.
My first suggestion is to get a good chair. A nice rocker recliner, Lazy Boy preffered. Both my wife and I spent many a nights rocking and sleeping in the recliner when out little one couldn't sleep. Along that same point, never let you little one sleep in your bed. You will never get them out. I know people that started leting the little sleep in their bed, now at three the little one still sleeps with them.
I'm in the same two-income long-hours first-child-on-the-way (July 8th) boat as you are.
:)
She's going to cut back, and I'm going to telecommute the days she works, and we'll figure out the rest from there.
I'm also a pregnant geek expecting our first child, due in october, I'd love to comiserate with her, I don't know any other geek girls that are knocked up currently :) Have her e-mail me at bean.at.freebsd.dot.org ;)
~Bean
For the sake of those of us who don't like children and have had the good sense to remain childless, I'd like to suggest a largish cage, a shock collar and a cattle prod.
Some little brat pissed on my shoe yesterday in Borders... and his brood mar... mother (carrying an infant and pregnant - showing, again) stood right next to me PRAISING HIM FOR PULLING DOWN HIS PANTS IN PUBLIC. Bitch didn't even apologize. To anyone.
Not that I'm bitter.
OK, now I'm going to make a more rational statement: Stay involved in your kid's life. I don't care how much you come to hate mom in the years to come. I don't care how important your job is to you. Fuck that. You are responsible for another human being, one who depends on you for all the nuturing and comfort you can give. It isn't mom's job to take care of the thing 16 or 20 hours a day, and if you're to the point where you feel proud of the one time in a day you changed a diaper, you aren't involved enough. Be involved. From my observations, kids with parents who are involved in their lives are a lot happier (and usually docile. See rant above) than kis without.
I volunteer at a boys & girls club. A couple of times in my life, I've had to say those exact words to a 14-year-old who is about to be a "father". If you're from a happy home, maybe this is going to sound redundant as all hell, maybe even stupid.
Also, read out loud to your kids. Don't stop when they turn three. Turn off the TV/babysitter and read to them until they're old enough to read everything on the shelf themselves. My father - the one thing my dad did right - read my brother and I "Swiss Family Robinson", "Don Quixote", "Man in the Iron Mask", "Charlotte's Web", all the Tolkien books... I have no fonder memories from my childhood than sitting on the floor listening to those stories.
-- I wanna decide who lives and who dies - Crow T. Robot, MST3K
Eat a peanut butter sandwich, because after you've changed a nappy, you'll never look at one in the same light again
See this article for more info.
"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one " -Albert Einstein
You might not have energy to do that for the next few years!
I found my inner child, then I got caught abusing it...
Here's a few reasons why:
- Breast is best. No, really, it is. Even the formula companies, in their advertisements, have to admit that breast feeding is by far the best thing for your kids. Breast-fed babies get sick a lot less (I have twin two-year olds that have only been sick with colds/ear infections twice -- bottle-fed babies seem sick all the time, especially if they are in day care.) There's also conclusive evidence that breast-fed babies are more emotionally stable, and some reason to be that they are on average smarter. Also, there are a few chronic diseases (such as Krohn's disease) that breast-fed children just don't get. These last for a lifetime.
- Breast is easiest. Visualize a two AM feeding. Now, at one two-AM feeding, you have to go downstairs, get out the formula, find a bottle, clean a bottle (if your house is like mine), warm a bottle, hold the bottle while the baby eats, burb the baby, clean up where the baby spit up all over you because bottle-fed babies puke more, and finally, an hour later, go back to bed. Don't forget that the baby is screaming the whole time cause he has colic because you're bottle-feeding. At the other two-AM feeding, you get the baby out their crib, walk her to the bed, where your naked wife sleepily takes the baby in her arms and feeds her. The baby barely wakes up, and the mother barely wakes up, and you are back in bed in less than five minutes. You can then, 15 minutes later, return the baby to the crib if you must, but it's really not a big deal.
- You will be denying income to some seriously evil corporations that do things like giving free samples of formula to third-world mothers, then letting the babies starve when the samples run out and the third-world people can't afford more.
- Your pediatrician will thank you. (None of your other doctors will care, but your pediatrician will.)
- Your wife will tend to lose baby weight much more quickly. Also, Breast-feeding produces a hormone that contracts muscles in the lower abdomen stretched by pregnancy. Short form - yum.
- Did I mention that the pregnancy breasts stick around longer? Yum.
- Breast milk is tasty, especially warm. yum.
- Breast-milk comes in shapely, reusable containers.
- Formula is *expensive*.
If it's so good, why don't more people do it?- In the 20's and 30's, it was stylish not to breast feed. Breast-feeding was considered low-class.
- There was some serious hubris starting in the thirties that said that we could out-do nature and that breast milk was better for the baby. This is conclusively disproved.
- Silly victorian body modesty.
- Grandma bottle-fed, and is libel to be offended if you tell her that what she did wasn't best. People get seriously offended about this. Tell 'em to go to hell.
- Did I mention that the formula companies spend a lot on advertising? Seriously, when you go the hospital, even if you're breast-feeding, you will be baraged with promotional junk provided by the formula companies. If you do not have a good pediatrician, you will get it there too.
- Formula is free at first. Kind of like cocaine.
- Breast-feeding *hurts* for the first week or so. This can't be denied. Trust me: it does get better.
Anyway, there's my rant. This is based on four children worth of experience, breast and bottle fed."He who would learn astronomy, and other recondite arts, let him go elsewhere. " -- John Calvin, commenting on Genesis 1
Read about the benefits of breastfeeding. Print it out and give it to your wife and have a serious talk about it. It's hard for us guys to believe, but those breasts weren't put there for us.
There are many non-trivial benefits to breastfeeding. Unless the mother is physically unable to nurse, the ONLY benefit to formula feeding is convenience.
Operator, give me the number for 911!
Wrote this list when my first was about 6 months old. She's 2.67yr now, and we've got a 3 wk old as well.
...Forget one of these and you will end up with one hand holding a baby and the other covered in ****
---
Things M@ has figured out
1: Sometimes there is no reason
2: See #1
3: No matter how ridiculous it seems, Mommy is always right
4: Changing very messy baby, alone, makes the phone ring
5: No pictures during breast feeding
6: It generally takes 20-30 laps around the house to get the baby to sleep, however: See #1
7: Maximum cuteness is generally achieved by putting down the camera
8: Swaddling will not endure without duct tape
9: Bring "X" diapers anywhere and you will need "X+1" diapers Applies to everything. Bring 2 'emergency' outfits and you will need 3.
10: "Do you want ME to change the diaper?" is a stupid question
11: Sometimes there is nothing you can do, but you damn well better try harder
12: Checklist for diaper change:
-New Diaper open and ready for application
-Diaper-Jeanie open and not full (diaper pail)
-Baby Wipe Ready
13. Do not wake sleeping baby
14. Epicach is not needed to make a baby throw up, just put on a nice shirt
15. The audio characteristics of baby crying:
a. Cancels all other sounds
b. Produces Sweating
c. Is perceived as cute to the uninitiated
d. Have nothing to do with what is actually bothering the baby
16. You may own a thousand outfits, of every size and color, but at 2am there will be nothing to put on the baby
17. A baby does not care what she is wearing. If we could all just agree that a baby looks cute in a mu-mu then the world of parenting would be a much a happier place.
18. Baby arms disappear when you put a shirt over her head
19. Any action may cause the baby to smile... and...
20. It's all worth one smile
M@
Krispy Cream is people
1. Don't become a one-note person. Your child shouldn't be the all-encompassing focus of your life.
2. Remember that your child is not the center of the universe. It may be important to *you*, but don't be surprised if the rest of us don't feel the same way.
3. Don't forget about your non-childed friends.
4. Remeber that not all folks are going to find every detail of your child's growth fascinating.
It's important not to lose yourself in the kid. Be yourself and a parent.
Make sure the kiddo is latching correctly. My son wasn't and it wasn't until the 3rd lactation consultant that my wife was informed of a little procedure to snip the thing under the tounge (frenule?) that would allow him to latch properly. After that, he put on weight like he should've been doing.
This, and circumcision is evil.
You might also want to check out 'Raising a Son' and/or 'Raising a Daughter' at your local bookstore. I can't recall the authors, but Google it or check Amazon.
Cruising the internet on my TI-99/4A @ a whopping 300 baud!
Due to fact that he is actually going to be a father, he has already gotten a few more things right than the average Slashdot reader.
...
Okay, I'm a father of three girls, aged 8, 5, and 6 months (oh, what I'm in for). Everyone thinks they're perfect angels, except me. And it's too late for me to get modded up, so you know this is advice from the heart.
As far a the pregnancy goes, we went with natural births at a birth center. It was a lot less stressful than the hospital, as evidenced by my sister's experience. And I've written a nice Palm program to help you with the labor; just Google for Palm Contraction Timer.
There are two things to know about after the birth that no one will tell you: First, you will be become a pack mule. There's a lot of stuff to carry in those diaper bags. Second, very young kids can sleep through anything. Our first slept through Batman (the movie) at two days of age. We knocked down a wall in the same room as the second, and she never even rolled over.
Finally, breastfeeding and a family bed is a beautiful thing. The kids will eventually sleep in their own beds; meanwhile co-sleeping is extremely convenient, and sex can be had anywhere.
Okay, now for the hard part.
We made up jobs for everybody. The parents' job are, in order:
1) Keep kids safe.
2) Teach kids how to be a part of civilization.
3) Make kids happy.
The kids' jobs are, in order:
1) Hurt no one.
2) Obey parents.
3) Have fun.
Unfortunately, they learn almost exclusively by example. No matter what I say, they do what they've seen me (or whoever they're paying attention to at their age) do. Here are the things you'll want to do, so you know they'll be doing them, too:
1) Never interrupt anyone.
2) Take responsibility for your actions.
3) Don't make a big deal about other people's mistakes.
4) Do ensure that all mistakes are retified as much as possible.
5) Never, ever, under any circumstances, pretend that hurting somene is justified.
6) Use some consistent conflict resolution method. Actually use it yourself, even though it seems childish.
7) Actually look in your child's eyes while she speaks with you. Not only does it let them know you're listening, it gives the impression you're interested. And they'll look at you while you talk.
Actually, 7) was a trial with the youngest. I would squat down so I could watch her talk, and she would squat in front of me, emulating my posture. Funny, but occasionally counterproductive.
In conclusion, here are the most useful tools I have in my parenting toolbox:
"When you <x>, I feel <y>, because <z>."
"Can you please <x>? Will you please <x>? Thank you."
"Stop, I don't like that. <pause> If you don't stop, I'll tell Mom. <pause> <I tell Mom>."
And Natural Consequences: when something would be inconvenient, but not actually dangerous, I tell them what could happen. If they insist on doing it anyway, I warn them that I won't help them when the Natural Consequence of their actions occurs. Usually this is sufficient to stop them; if not, I let them suffer. They seldom insist on doing things they shouldn't, and when they do, it's because they've decided it's worth it.
Good luck. Enjoy her while she's a baby, cuz it gets tough later on. I'm looking forward to the teenage years with anticipation and fear.
Judebert
For geek dads: Contraction Timer
I read about a recent study that linked nut oils, which are used in some baby products, to the development of nut allergies later in life.
Also, I read about a study that linked night lights to the development of near-sightedness later in life.
Both of these need follow-up studies to confirm the results, so YMMV.
Donate background CPU time to fight cancer.
Having two kids (one just a month ago) I've learned a few things.
1) Definitely the TiVo! I don't know how I'd watch anything without it.
2) Garage Sales are your friend. You can get some very cheap clothing there. Babies grow out of things so fast, it isn't worth buying new stuff. Toys and stuff: same thing. The kid isn't going to know (or care) if it's new or used.
2a) Do NOT buy items like car seats or strollers at garage sales, unless you know they are still new, and haven't been recalled. You'd be amazed how often these things are recalled. Check the companies' web sites for recall notices.
3) Breastfeed if possible. Cheaper, and better for the baby.
4) But formula at night...takes baby a little longer to digest, thus giving you an extra hour or so to sleep. Also try to keep baby up right before you go to sleep (you'll find your sleep schedule will depend on baby, though), so it will sleep longer. This has worked wonders with both my kids. 1 month old, and almost 6 hours at a shot now!
5) When having a baby shower thrown, ask people not to only get you newborn outfits. Baby will outgrow them instantly, and you'll have stuff you'll never have worn.
6) You'll still need to bottle feed. Have lots of bottles & nipples handy...you go through them fast.
7) Walmart has nice cheap baby stuff. Do shop around, and check out your local warehouse club (like Sams); they tend to have good prices on diapers & formula.
8) Don't grab baby the instant it cries. Maybe initially, but don't get it used to it. Otherwise he/she will develop the idea that "I cry, I get attention". The kid will need to deal with the situation. Half the time, baby will go back to sleep anyway. (Moms have a tougher time with this than dads, obviously!)
9) Don't plan on having much of a social life. BUT do attempt to get to know couples that have a kid around the same age. If your place of residence has a community playground, that's an excellent place to meet other parents. Join (or form) playgroups. Sometimes you'll find ads in the newspaper (or community newsletter). You'll have people in your same situation, and your kids will have new friends when they get a little older, since they'll be used to them.
9a) This also helps with baby-swapping. You watch their kid, they watch yours when you want a night out. MUCH CHEAPER than hiring a babysitter. Sometimes churches organize these officially, but you can do it on your own with the new people you meet.
I think everything else is covered by others. Congrats, and good luck!
-Phlack
Second - Make sure you have the ability to work from home. I found that I was going home at the crack of 5 PM, spending the evening w/ my daughter, then working from home for a couple of hours after she went to bed. This got me my 10 hour day, play with my daughter, and reduced stress
Third - Make sure you are at work when you are at work, and at home when you are at home. In other words, spend time with your child when she is young, it will never happen again (ok, you could have another baby, but that is child #2)
Fourth - I wish I had bought my digital camera before she was born, so get one, setup a website, get the grandparents on the web/e-mail - Use your geek talents to make this better for everyone
Fifth - Save your vacation, make sure and take PLENTY of vacation around the birth of your child, as much as you can, borrow from next year if your boss will let you. Fortunately my wife didn't have to have a C-section, but if it happens your wife can be out of commission for a month or more recovering from abdominal surgury.
Sixth - Ignore all of us, we aren't you... Everyone has different ways of raising kids, most of us turned out Ok, most of our kids will too
Congratulation
I have mod points and I am not afraid to use them
Actually, during my recent pregnancy, I read as much medical literature as I could get my hands on. I read pro and anti midwife opinion pieces. I read statistics. I looked at our state's statistics on things like use of drugs during labor, C-Section rate, episiotomy rates, use of monitors during labor, restriction of food/drink during labor. Then I looked over all of the childbirth class options available to me. I chose the Bradley method. I highly recommend it.
I started with midwives (not lay midwives) and had to leave because they decided I was gestationally diabetic. So at 32 weeks, I had to go to the Family Practice the midwives associated with. Switching was beyond stressful. Imagine my disgust to find that the medical research on gestational diabetes is so fundamentally flawed that the medical community does not even have BASELINE information about what constitutes normal blood sugar during pregnancy. Nice and scientific. As a geek, I was mortally offended by the MD who told me to take insulin, without once looking at the detailed blood sugar test spreadsheet I presented him. Merely on the word of some litigation-paranoid midwives. I refused, and our birthplan specified that we would, by default, refuse all medical intervention during labor and delivery, and that every medical procedure had to be approved by my husband.
Naturally, I had a short, certainly painful but obviously surviveable, and entirely drug-free natural birth. Most mothers who use the Bradley method can say the same.
The risk of NEEDING a C-Section and having it be *gasp* three minutes away is absurdly low. The risk, if you're in a hospital, of being drugged, ignored, "monitored," and impatiently told that your labor is not "progressing" according to the rigid schedule set according to almost no scientifically valid standards, then guilted into a C-Section, is about 20%. I think you'll find, as I did, that the risk of death and serious complication to the MOTHER of MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY, plus the difficult to discern risk of death to the fetus, added to the low apgar scores (associated with long-term poor performance by babies), plus the difficulty in bonding and starting breastfeeding, plus the usual feelings of failure and regret by women in that situation...all add up, at least in my book, to staying the heck out of the hands of the OB/Gyns and surgeons responsible.
Then there are all the other less-drastic "interventions" and their inevitable harm to mother and baby (don't get me started on episiotomy)...I can't fathom any reason other than FUD, misinformation, and peer pressure that ANYONE would choose an OB if any other rational options exist. (I am NOT a home-birth advocate by any means, but rational middle ground exists in most places). Heck, you don't even have to do the literature review I did to figure out how bad the OB practice is. Just ask the OB you're considering how often he/she (mostly he) considers episiotomy to be necessary, despite years of evidence that it does more harm than good...ask what their C-Section rate is. Ask what their rate of using epidurals and other labor drugs is. Then decide if you're willing to roll the dice and risk that those things will happen to your wife with those likelihoods.
Labor is not the time to realize that you can't stand up to a medical professional who is using "fetal distress" as an excuse to drug/snip/slice. You'll find that midwives have much higher healthy outcomes, and much lower rates of any of those interventions. A competent midwife will admit that C-Sections are sometimes necessary and be able to tell you about the two or three times she took someone in (in plenty of time, those scare tactics above are absurd...birth just doesn't work that way) for a C-Section.
My advice is to check out the Bradley Method, the childbirth classes take longer (12 weeks) and are much more demanding on dad than any others I looked at, but the success rate is profoundly impressive. They, unlike even Lamaze, define success as a healthy
"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds." -Emerson
I'm a new father of a now 3-month old baby girl. She's adorable, and alot of fun...
Here's my advice; read some good books on the subject and be prepared. I would suggest (these are commonly suggested, and there's a reason for that):
"What to expect when you're expecting" - Arlene Eisenberg, Sandee E. Hathaway, Heidi E. Murkoff
http://www.epinions.com/book_mu-2807804
"What to expect the first year" http://www.epinions.com/book_mu-2807473
My wife loves both of these books, and they have an excellent amount of info...
Also, heres a very important, and technically worthy GIFT IDEA!!!
Tympanic/Aural Thermometer - This will make your life about 100 times easier when your little baby gets a fever. It is a digital thermometer that takes a temperature reading within the baby's ear canal- it can measure your baby's temp (or yours) in about 1 second. And the baby doesn't mind it at all (not the case with the old fashioned methods). We got ours at Costco, but I believe you can find them all over.... Note that they are not recommended for diagnosis purposes for babies under 2 months- though they are still a very helpful parent reassurance tool...
Wow! This must be a PERSONAL letter, just for me!
Babys are good excuse for gadgets. Here are some ideas:
1. PVR. Here is my setup. I use my linux box to record my favorite TV shows, then watch them back on my Zaurus over my wireless card. That whay I can watch TV while I rock my baby to sleep.
2. Get a digital camera. The grandparents live out of state, so I set up a website. (great excuse to learn PHP)
3. Get the wooden train sets (Brio, Thomas the Tank Engine) not the plastic or metal ones.
Most of all have fun with your kid. He will be your best buddy (except when you don't let him have his candy).
Now if someone would just design a linux powered potty trainer.
http://www.windmeadow.com/
at least keep in mind that she could still miscarry this early on.
Complete or stabilize any projects you're working on at least a month early. Delivery dates are approximate.
Plan on putting any video games or other compulsive hobbies in storage for about a year.
Don't buy anything except diapers, a car seat, a sealed trashcan, and a half-dozen waterproof changing pads. Buy everything else as you need it.
Contrary to what others have said, the multifunction car seats are a pain. They don't fit infants well and they're not portable. You want something you can take out of your car while your kid's asleep. The infant seats are pretty cheap, anyway.
Support nursing. It's better nutritionally, you don't have to do any prep, and it's emotionally good for the kid.
If one of you can stay home, do it. If not, prepare for battle. My wife and I both tried to work from home when our first was born, and we fought constantly over whose time is a priority. The kid is a full time job, one that you shouldn't trust to anyone else because nobody will do a better job than you will.
If you think you can't afford to stay home, double check your priorities. My brother's been saying he can't afford it, but when I suggested he stop maxing out his 401k for a year or two, he flipped. Same with deferring his wife's student loans. Most people can afford it but aren't willing to make any sacrifices. Kids are actually pretty cheap for the first few years if you avoid daycare.
Still not convinced? See Harry Harlow's hideous experiments. Full-time daycare for infants == wire monkey.
Ignore all the baby books on the market. I've gone through 3 that were considered the best, and my wife did half a dozen. They're all heavily politically motivated (your infant needs independence -- daycare -- is a common theme in the newer ones) or smeared with psychoanalitical garbage. The mothering magazines are lousy, too.
By all means do not bake the birthday cake in the What to Expect in the First Year book! I know several people who tried it, including myself, and there's no way to make anything except a brick. It makes fruitcake look fluffy. It is a curse on our generation that will spoil far too many first birthdays.
The second time around, my wife and I dumped the crib and got a second bed for my wife and new daughter. My wife can keep my daughter asleep most days until about 8, and when she was first born, they stayed in bed most of the day sleeping. They were considerably happier, and needless to say, I sleep well. Co-sleeping, as the pros call it, should only be a problem if you're massively overweight or drink heavily. Keep the baby on its back and away from blankets. Even if you don't set out to sleep with your infant, you'll end up doing it anyway.
Prepare to be amazed at how child-unfriendly US society is.
An episiotomy is a procedure, done shortly after birth, where the vagina is sutured back together again nice and tight. Make sure she has one, it will mean the difference between having great sex and being a very small train in a very big tunnel!!
Congratulations!
;)
;)
The wisdom I have picked up is as follows:
1. Children and dogs have a lot in common. I would go purchase a mastiff puppy right now so you have something to practice on. Seriously.
2. Remember to make sure your house is child proofed. This includes carpet and furniture that matches the color of vomit.
3. Don't worry about being a bad parent. Most people tend to freak out and worry about their first child (it's natural). Go talk with an Italian family and see how they interact with their youngest of 11. What I'm trying to say is kids are resilient, they won't die by eating ants, and regardless of what happens a therapist will be able to fix them later in life if need be.
4. If you own anything you cannot stand to see damaged, sell it now.
5. Go by a huge box of Lego's, throw them around the house, turn off all the lights and walk around barefoot. Get used to the feeling.
6. To hell with the planet. Don't even think about cloth diapers. Disposable diapers are a lot like prostitutes as you're paying for the right to walk away from them once they have performed as expected. There is nothing worse then a soiled cloth diaper hanging around for any length of time.
7. ALWAYS keep your child's private parts covered while changing a diaper. Not that there is anything wrong with naked time, they have a tendency to pee while their diaper is being changed and as my cousin can tell you, there is nothing like a face full of pee. By the way, you can neglect to tell your wife this and keep a camera close by.
8. It's ok to find the baby sitter attractive (if no one wanted to do it, it wouldn't be illegal) just pull a Don Quixote (dream, the impossible dream) and keep the relationship strictly professional.
9. Don't sweat the little things and remember they're not supposed to act like "little adults" they're supposed to ask repetitive and annoying questions just like a "green bean" developer.
10. You don't need to do anything elaborate to make your child happy. Just be there for them and love them unintentionally.
11. Also, you're wife is going to freak out when her maternal instincts kick in. Get used to it as emotions rule the day and any semblance to logic or reason is thrown out the door. =)
Good luck!!
Seriously, there is nothing that can kill your sex life as effectively as a small child. My wife and I had sex 2-3 times a week before our daughter was born. She's almost 3 now, and we have sex about once every 5 or 6 weeks. There are complications in our situation, which I'll get into below, so the change might not be so drastic for you. At minimum, though, expect a 3-6 month "dry spell" after the birth. On the bright side, though, you can do it as often as you like pretty much right up to the end.
During the pregnancy, make sure your wife stays in shape. It will make the pregnancy and especially the birth much easier if she's in good physical condition. Pregnant does not mean invalid. My wife tested for her yellow belt at 8.5 months.
Simethicon (sp?) is worth it's wight in platinum. I have heard these gas drops refered to as Pink Gold. You probably won't need them for another year or so. Hopefully you will remember them when your baby has been crying for 3 hours and nothing seems to help. Most likely this will be the answer you seek.
As for the 2 income thing, my wife is a waitress and I'm a tech, so we've managed to work things out where we work opposite schedules. The good part is that one of us is always home with our daughter, which I think has had a very positive effect on her behavior (consistent discipline is easier when the child is mainly watched by parents) and her education (she can recognize most letters by sight and can count to 10 in English, Spanish, and Korean). The down side is that we don't get much time together as a couple, and that has certainly not helped our sex life. Although this is obviously not a viable solution for all families, I recommend it if there's any way you can work it out.
A large part of the expense of a child for the first few years is day care, disposable diapers, and formula. Minimizing any or all of these will do a lot to ease the financial burden, and that's a lot easier to when at least one parent is home at all times.
Another factor to consider is that, in my experience, full time parents tend to go stir-crazy. I saw this happen to my dad with my half siblings, who are 15 and 17 years younger than me, and with my wife before she went back to work. I imagine it happened with my mom as well, but I was too young to notice. All of them now view work as a welcome and refreshing alternative to staying home all day. After a full day with a 2 year old, my wife certainly looks forward to going to work!
Finally, prepare to be amazed. Nothing you have ever done or seen even comes close to the wonders you will witness as a father. Nothing is as challenging or as rewarding.
Under capitalism man exploits man. Under communism it's the other way around.
Congrats!! I know exactly how you're feeling right now - my daughter was born 2 weeks ago :) :) :)
:)
Since I'm new at this "father thing" as well, I am only qualified to give advice on pregnancy and the 1st couple weeks of life...
PREGNANCY:
1) Backrubs are good. Backrubs are VERY good. For valentines day, I got my wife a one-hour "pregnancy massage" at a local spa (focusing on all the typical sore spots a pregnant woman has). Get her one of these. Cost is no object. Schedule it for approximately a month before the baby is due. She'll need it by then.
2) Understanding and patience is good. your wife's body will be undergoing massive changes - physical, chemical, and emotional. These changes will NOT be understood (by either of you) and can be frightening and even embarrassing. Go with the flow. Be there for her. She needs you more than ever before.
3) Get her things. "How about a glass of ice water, honey?" Be proactive - anticipate her needs. It will be appreciated.
4) Have everything ready in advance. Get the room painted. They have "starter kits" with all sorts of things in them that you wouldn't have thought of. Buy a couple packs of diapers. Make sure the room has a good nightlight - you'll be stumbling into there at 3am on a daily basis.
5) There is an online magazine (with accompanying deadtree mag) called ePregnancy. http://www.epregnancy.com/ -- Sign up for the weekly email. It's very good at explaining exactly what is happening week to week. The weekly emails are tailored to the correct week of pregnancy. My wife really looked forward to reading about what is happening to her each week.
6) Get the carseat a few weeks in advance. Take a carseat class BEFORE buying the seat. Once you buy it, PUT IT IN THE CAR and make sure you understand how it works. Do NOT wait until your child is born. oh, and SEND IN THE REGISTRATION CARD for the carseat. I cannot stress that enough. I know, it gets you put on another junkmail list. But it also gets you put on the carseat recall list. You do NOT want to be using an unsafe seat. TAKE THE CARSEAT CLASS. Over 80% of people using carseats are using them incorrectly.
DELIVERY
1) Take a prenatal class. Make sure they do a tour of the delivery unit. Make sure you know where to go IN ADVANCE - the Big Day arrives and you'll be too panicked to have to search for the right entrance to the hospital.
1) Be there for her. Be patient and understanding with her. She's SCARED AS HELL at this point. She's heard all sorts of horror stories about pain. Comfort her. Do what she asks
2) Epidurals are a godsend. We live in the 21st century. Modern medicine is a GOOD thing. Don't be afraid to take advantage of it.
3) Bring a sandwich. You'll be in the delivery room for a while. Your wife will need you there. Make sure it's not a stinky sandwich (I threatened to bring tunafish...)
4) Bring CDs of soft, soothing music (ie Enya). It helps during the contractions. We found a nice CD of Dolphin music at walmart for $4 or so - it's got ocean sounds, soft piano music, etc. Worked great.
5) If your wife is planning on natural delivery (ie no drugs), make sure to have a "focal point" she can concentrate on during the contractions. Also, take your wedding ring off -- she'll break your fingers squeezing your hand against your ring!
6) Help in the delivery. I held one of my wife's legs and counted while she pushed. Watch during the birth. IT'S AMAZING!! It WILL change your outlook on life.
7) Don't be surprised by anything that occurs. There is no modesty left during delivery. Just enjoy it. it's a TRUE miracle.
AFTER YOUR CHILD IS BORN
1) no visitors while you're in the hospital. Use the time to recover and enjoy your new child. Also use the time in the hospital for education. Those nurses know a LOT. Rely on them.
2)
The first thing to realize is that your life, at least for the first six months after your child is born, will change drastically. Not necessarily in a bad way, but things will be different with the baby around.
Here are some hints that I was told and some I've picked up:
1. Buy things now. If you are going to use disposable diapers, buy a pack or two everytime you go to the store. Don't get just newborns, get size 1 and 2 as well if your budget allows. I used Huggy Ultra-Trims on my son, they worked well. I wouldn't recommend doing the same with formula as our son had to go through a couple types before we found what seemed to work best for him.
2. Along with number one, plan your budget accordingly. My wife missed quite a bit of work due to morning sickness, pregnancy-induced diabetes, and was induced a month early due to pre-eclampsia (don't think I spelled that right, but have to hit the door soon). This left us with less money than expected before our son was born, so we didn't have the baby bed bought and paid for, for example.
3. Make sure you have a comfy chair (Cardinal Fang) to sit in for the feedings. We had a rocking chair (not a glider) in my son's room, but it was not comfortable. A month after he was born, we bought a rocking recliner that made night-time feedings much better.
4. If you don't have it, find a way to get a camer/digital camera and/or camcorder. I didn't have one when our son was born, but Grandma and Grandpa did and we used it when visiting them to get those moments you don't want to forget. Also look into getting a baby book set up now. My wife's cousin promised us one but never delivered, so we don't have all of the usual things recorded that some people would like to have.
5. Beg and borrow as much stuff as you can. We got a bassinet from a family friend, my wife's co-worker garage sale for baby clothes, we borrowed a car seat from a friend, etc. Spend on what you must, but borrow what you can. People will offer.
6. Family can be a big help. My wife's parents babysit the boy at least every third week, which can be very helpful.
7. Definitely attend a childbirth class. Your local hospital likely has one that expectant parents can attend. If nothing else, do this.
advice from the onion :
on this topic
you and me
plus baby
minus me
makes two
I'm suprised that you even need to ask for advice. When my wife was pregnant, everyone had advice to offer, and most of it sucked. Here's my opinion that most people probably think sucks.
If you make any money at all, have your wife quit her job. The more time that your child can spend with it's immediate family, the better.
Next off, if possible, breast feed.
Finally, if it comes down to you getting sleep, or staying up all night, cosleep. Why this is such taboo, I'll never know.
If it ain't a Model M, it's a piece of crap.
Any advice for hildproofing for a couple in a small (700 sq. ft.) 3 room(+kitchen and bath) NYC (well, Astoria, Queens) apartment. What I'm, particularly worried about is all the wires for the 4 computers (and 5 monitors).
Also any suggestions on how a solitary ex-bachelor can keep his sanity? This is what worries me the most. Sometimes I just don't like people around : (
Then there's the space issue. Like I said, it's a smallish apartment (though not by NYC standards).
And does anyone else get bouts of super-nervousness between the thoughts of amazement and joy?
And finally (heh) where are good places for advice beyond slashdot (sheesh!).
evanchik.net
After a few years of trying, my wife is pregnant
So she finally gave up on trying and slept with the mailman?
Being a good parent is very difficult. It is much easier to start off with good habits and enforce them, rather than duck them and try to sort them out later.
Sleep is absolutely critical- both yours and theirs.
If you can't get sleep right, you get an over-tired irritable child which develops a whole lot of other problems e.g. behavioural problems. People always say to us "aren't you lucky, your children sleep really well". It's not luck. We worked hard at it, it was difficult, but it was well worth it.
Here are some books for someone looking for something a little less rose tinted.
Up the duff
and
Silent Nights
The silent nights book is the most important single book/ advice we had. It saved our sanity, and made our children happier and much nicer. Good luck !
Humorous signatures are over-rated.
Breastfeed. It's cheaper, simpler, more convenient, healthier, etc etc.
Breastfeed frequently. Don't go for this "every n hours" bullshit - that just makes the baby go crazy. If you feed the baby whenever it appears to be hungry you'll have a happy, contented and quiet baby, and that will make you happy and contented too.
Breastfeed for a long time. Don't stop after a couple of months - stop when the baby starts to lose interest. This usually takes about 2 years.
Don't buy a cot. Have the baby sleep in your bed. When the baby wakes up in the middle of the night to be fed, what do you want to do - get out of your nice warm bed, or just feed the baby quietly right there in the bed? With the baby in the bed, the dad will hardly wake, and the mum will only have to roll over and shove a tit in the baby's mouth until they both fall back to sleep. This may take just a few minutes.
The only warning here is you cannot be drunk or on drugs if you're sleeping in the same bed as the baby.
During the day/evening, let the baby sleep on your lap if you're just sitting around watching TV, talking etc. Babies don't need quiet dark rooms to sleep. Get you baby used to loud conversation, music, etc. right from birth. Don't separate the baby from all the other stuff you're doing.
Don't buy a baby-monitor. You don't need one if the baby is always near you.
Don't pollute your life with too much baby paraphernalia. You need nappies, towels, wipes, and maybe a pouch etc to carry the baby. When the baby can sit up, a high chair is useful.
Don't worry about set bed times and nap times for your baby. Babies get tired and go to sleep, and they do it when they want to, not when you want them to. If your baby has a strange sleep schedule at first, don't worry, your baby will soon start copying your sleep schedule more or less.
Don't buy a pram. They're dumb, clumsy and ugly. Just carry your baby everywhere, using either a pouch, a sling, a backpack, or your arms. Babies love these - they become sleepy, relaxed and contented. This will make you happy and contented.
Don't buy a stroller. OK, maybe buy a stroller. Strollers are OK for older kids who are getting a bit heavy to carry, or kids that can walk, but not very far.
Use whatever type of nappies you like. It really doesn't matter.
Don't listen to other people's advice - listen to your baby.
2. Names: naming our daughters was one of the hardest things I've ever done, an exercise in diplomacy and accommodation. My wife and I came up with independent lists of names, ranked in order of preference, then we compared lists to see where we agreed, and negotiated from there. This may work for you, it may not. The important thing is: KEEP THOSE LISTS. Remember the names that you considered; my girls have both been intensely interested in where their names came from and what other names were candidates.
3. Introduce the family dog to the newborn with especial loving emphasis on the dog. Our basset (Ada, after the Lady Augusta Lovelace) was introduced to my firstborn with lots of praise and pats. Whenever Ada and my daughter were in the same room we put them together and told Ada what a good girl she was. Forever after that Ada the basset spent her nights guarding my daughter's crib; that was *her* baby. Don't let the pets get an opportunity to become jealous of the interloper!
4. Colic: others have already commented about this. This can be bad juju, your baby is terribly unhappy for no obvious reason. My firstborn's pediatrician prescribed Levsine, an anticholinergic drug which worked absolute wonders for us. A couple of drops by mouth made all the difference. But my second daughter's pediatrician steadfastly refused to prescribe same, saying it was dangerous. You'll find references on the 'net that say that doctors these days are hesitant to prescribe Levsine except in the most acute cases, but I'm here to tell you that it was good stuff for *us*. Your mileage and circumstances may vary of course, but you should know that there are options. Colic is no fun for anybody.
5. Get a Blockbuster card. Your days of spontaneously going out for a movie are over for the short term. Even after you're able to take the wee ones to a theater, you won't see anything but Disney features. I missed movies more than anything while my kids were growing up.
6. Introduce your child to your computers EARLY. Small children don't have much in the way of eye-hand coordination, and they aren't able to handwrite individual characters. But they CAN certainly recognize them, and it doesn't take much eye-hand coordination to use a keyboard. When my daughter was less than two and unable to write her name, she was able to boot up our MS-DOS machine and type her name, executing a BAT file that played Christmas carols. My four-year-old niece installed a program on her family's MS-Windows computer when her Papa didn't have time for her -- she'd seen Papa do it before: Next... Next... Next... Next... Finish! Handwriting skills != literacy.
7. Every child in Florida should know how to swim, it's a basic and even survival skill. I don't know how necessary it is where you live, but resist the temptation to teach them too early. My firstborn was taught to swim just before she turned two, and it worked well. We yielded to the advice of others and took our second in to the Infant Swim Research people when she was just over six months old. Big mistake IMO; babies can't be "drown proofed", and at best you can get a six-month old to flip over on her back and float for a few minutes. They don't learn much, there is too much trauma involved for the child, and a six month old shouldn't be out of your sight for more than a few seconds at a time anyway u
Lots of great advice already posted. Bear in mind that everyone can tell you what worked or didn't work for *them*. This does NOT mean that it will work or not work the same way for YOU. Other kids' favorite foods / activities / relaxers / teething-easers may work for yours and may not.
:-) And don't get annoyed with anyone. Just remember to replace each "This is what you do" with "This is what worked for us" and treat it as a suggested option on the menu. And afterwards, it never hurts to tell the pushiest ones "We tried what you told us, and we got the problem solved" . . . whether the solution was theirs or not. :-) :-)
By all means, listen to everyone, especially all of the elder relatives who know best.
I'm a geek (getting paid to build software systems for 25 years now, so maybe a dino-geek) and my wife is an attorney. While I still make more than she does, some years it's been close. We had our one child, Teela, seven years ago next Friday.
Everybody says you won't get any sleep. We managed to get sleep by planning. I took four weeks off after Teela was born and then spent another four weeks working two or three days a week. My wife left the firm she was in (a two-woman shop, but she was a partner) and spent a year doing temp assignments two to four days a week. Whoever didn't have to work the next day took care of bathing, overnight feedings and changing, etc. while the other got a solid eight hours. The person who only got five or so hours could catch up the next evening. We did, however, give up most television. No great loss.
We got two baby slings like this and carried Teela everywhere for the first six months. I really believe that it helped. Our pediatrician showed us a journal article that indicated babies with constant parental contact were less fussy during the day and slept better at night. My experience bore that out.
I heard lots of horror stories. It seemed like everybody had their favorite disease or condition for which we needed to have her tested. We did a lot of research, and talked to a lot of people, both parents and pediatricians. The only thing she ended up being tested for was lead, and that was a state requirement, mostly because Baltimore has such incredible lead contamination. She was fine. The only bit of health advice I have is something that should be obvious: Put your baby down to sleep on her or his back. Not her tummy, even if it seems she sleeps more readily or soundly, and she's fussy on her back. Put her on her back until she can roll herself over on her tummy. Once she can roll over, let her pick her own orientation and don't worry about it. There is now a ton of data on sleeping posture, and the relationship to SIDS and other problems, and it all boils down to this: Put your baby down to sleep on his or her back. So do that.
Pay attention to all those safety things: Never leave a baby in a tub, even for a second. Never leave a baby in a car. Never move the car unless the baby is strapped into a properly secured car seat.
Car seats are easy to misinstall. Around here we fairly regularly get events where cops will check your seat to see if it's correctly installed. Usually they see more than 90 percent incorrect installation. We had two cars, one of the seats was fine, the other was just loose enough that the Trooper helped me tighten it up to make sure it was really safe.
Okay, the poop story.
When Teela was four days old, I was doing her usual evening changing while my wife and mother collaborated on dinner for the grownups. Suddenly they heard me yell "Oh shit!" and began racing each other up the stairs. By the time they arrived I was laughing. Teela had squirted her first stream of poop over the diaper through the air about two feet into my hand. I had heard of projective vomiting, but never projectile pooping. And I had no reason to suspect her first poop would be so firmly delivered.
It wasn't really a surprise, but I am still amazed by was what a joy she has been. I keep hearing how "kids are great at that age", but the age keeps changing to whatever age she is. She has been, and is, the most amazing person.
When people meet her for the first time, I don't introduce her as "my daughter, Teela." The ownership runs the other way. I tell people "this is Teela, and I'm Teela's dad."
tc>
Most Americans don't understand science, and they wouldn't like it if they did.
Using sign language with your child facilitates communication when they haven't acquired verbal skills yet. It saved us a lot of frustration with ours. Here are a couple of books: Sign With Your Baby Complete Learning Kit and Baby Signs, Revised Edition : How to Talk with Your Baby Before Your Baby Can Talk. Googling on the subject is left as an exercise to the reader.
You will become public property. Expect grannies and others to approach you and say "oooh, what a lovely baby" and expect a conversation.
.. whenever you can.
.. they'll do what they think is right also. This may include inserting random objects into disk drives and VCRs. Been there, done that ..
... I recommend being as spontanous as (legally) possible :)
.. there will be some things that you can't magically fix - and those are the hard times. If they're tired, they have to sleep - even if they think you can just wave a magical parent finger and make 'it' go away.
... kids are individuals, sometimes annoyingly so.
.. we grabbed a bunch of toy butterflies, and made a wonderful mobile that sits above her change table. She giggles everytime she sees it, and it makes changing her MUCH easier.
Sleep like a soldier
Spend as much time as you can make with your family, even if it impacts on your geek time. Nobody was ever on their deathbed and said "I should have spent mroe time at work".
Babies are people. Really! You can't make them eat, or sleep, or whatever
Sex after babies CAN still happen
Baby crying? Check the diaper first. Oh and remember that babies tend to cry just to communicate.
You are amazing and magical masters of the universe to your kids. They're hungry, you fix it. They're dirty, you can clean it. They're bored, you can amuse them. BUT
Read to them. They don't understand the words, but they love the sound of your voice, and your attention. I recommend reccording a few videos of YOU reading books, and play them for their amusement when you're not there. Trust me, these will become the treasures of their childhood.
Everything you read just may be wrong
Don't expect life with a baby (hell, life overall really) to reflect a script. It happens they way it wants to.
You're allowed to feel depressed. Write a diary about it.
Our baby loves her mobile
Lastly, this will be the hardest thing you ever do. It is also the best. Enjoy every moment, even the bad ones, because it's all worth it.
Robert Anton Wilson
2) Small waterproof cloth pads. Cut them into 1/2 baby size pieces, perfect for going in diaper bag to provide simple clean changing area that doesn't take much space
3) Lightweight books and book holder-openers, important to scatter these around the house to be available to your or your partner when you get stuck with baby in your lap and can't move.
4) clothes with no buttons for baby to wear so you don't need to muddle with them while you're unable to see your nose from the lack of sleep. meddling with buttons and snaps suck. forget bottoms entirely and just cover baby.
That's it. Anything else is negotiable.
Someone sent us this on email shortly before our first child arrived:
"Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real life experience of being a mother or father.
1. Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for nine months. After nine months, remove 10% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Next, go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to its head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it -- it's the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5 p.m. until 10 p.m. carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds. At 10 p.m. put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 a.m. and walk around the living room again with the bag until 1 a.m. Put the alarm on for 3 a.m. Since you can't go back to sleep, get up at 2 a.m. and make a pot of tea. Go to bed at 2:45 a.m. Get up again at 3 a.m. when the alarm goes off, sing songs in the dark until 4 a.m. Put the alarm on for 5 a.m. Get up.
Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this--all morning.
6. Get an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now get a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of CoCo Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.
7. Forget the Miata and buy the mini-van. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There!
Perfect!
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand until all the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You're now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child with you. A fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have m
I hope you read this....
1) Make sure she doesn't consume a drop of alcohol. Any alcohol whatsoever in her system can damage the baby
2) Have the baby sleep in the same room as her, this will make it feel more secure for life and will ease the difficulty of being woken up during the night. A baby should also receive alot of physical contact (meaning touch), as this will make it feel far more secure
3) Be very aware of what nose, sounds and emotional mentalities the baby is being exposed to; they're aware of such things from a surprisingly young age, and what they come in contact with in the first 5 years will influence them for life. No booming Kiss music, and no exposure to television or radio could be very helpful, and will greatly reduce parents' stress levels too
4) Have the mother breastfeel, bottlefeeding is no good. Have her breast feed for a year or longer; this is normal, breastfeeding for mere months is a modern perversion. Also have her be very aware of what she's eating from a different angle: consider the chemicals present in food from spraying; the less that ends up in the baby's system, the healthier it will be: you may want to consider organicly grown food, especially for milk products
5)Be weary of kindergartens and daycare centres. I've seen what effect these places' environments have on children's minds years later, they become badly behaved, superficial, mindless and thrill-seaking. You may want to look for some alternative kindergartens (ones with different phylosophies and which have parents present), and to avoid daycare like the plague.
6) Be prepared to have the mother stay at home with the baby for the first three years, and someone else close like the father or grandparents after then. This is unpopular today, but a child needs to be around parental or close family figures for their first 5 years, or else they lack attachment and become less secure in life.
7) The baby is more important than house, money, job and relationship. Most people forget this!
8) Look at the schools around you and how children and teenagers are where you live. Do you want your child to grow up to be like them? As a parent you're only a secondary influence on your child compared with the nature of the people your child will be around. Don't be afraid to move somewhere where the people are real if it means giving this child a good start in life.
remember that your wonderful, intelligent, loving wife is likely to become a raving loon with an iq of approximately 72 at some point. this is normal.
start doing some non-geek stuff, and learn the rules to all the major sports if you don't know them. your kids should learn that stuff.
DO NOT under any circumstances, use the first post-birth diaper to learn how to change a diaper. your seemingly healthy baby is born with the ability to shit tar.
make sure you have the ability to relax and smile at tragedy.
don't worry if vomit bothers you. baby vomit starts out rather innocuous and then grows fouler along with your ability to handle more disgusting smells.
baby shit changes colors. this is normal.
once the baby comes you'd think you'd be overwhelmed... you won't be. you'll just be very, very tired.
there's a very real chance your wife will be slightly insane AFTER she has the baby too. this is normal.
umm... and yah, nce again, learn to find tragedy hilarious.
- What do you wish you had known before child #1 was born?
Whew. First, I wish I would have known that there is no way to know (really know) what to do with a child until you have a child. Education helps (mostly; becareful of judging your parenting or your child against what you read/hear), but is no substitute for experience. This is also meant to be an encouragement: you will be able to meet this challenge; the ability to do so will come as you need it.Second, even though I knew that 1 in 5 pregnancies end in spontaneous abortions (miscarriages), I was not and could not have been prepared for losing our first child at 12 weeks in to the first pregnancy. No, I can't say I took much comfort in the statistics. What's more, I recovered emotionally before my wife did--and it almost broke us apart. There was a "sign" that we missed due to ignorance: my wife didn't suffer much morning sickness. During the second pregnancy the OB/GYN was alarmed at this and put my wife on the hormone Progesterone. Know that morning sickness in the first trimester is GOOD NEWS.
Our third pregnancy (second son) didn't need supplimental hormone.
- I don't personally know many two income families who are in this position. We sometimes work long hours, and that will either come to an end or we'll put in lots of effort to work around that.
I was working long, long hours. I switched jobs to cut back (also to make more money; my long hours job was for a non-profit org from which I took less than $1800/mo--significant work, perhaps, but nothing to raise a family upon).My wife, an RN (Registered Nurse), stopped work to directly raise our children. She keeps up with her CE credits to keep her license in effect, but otherwise does not "work" (try telling a mother of 2 boys under 4 that she doesn't work). The benefit of this? Our boys don't call a stranger "Mommy".
- What do I do? What do I expect? Are there any products to stay away from? I'm going to be a dad!"
Consumer Reports -- get an online subscription. Read up on strollers, and CAR SEATS. Start practicing putting the car seat securely in the car. In some states, the police will gladly help you secure the seat.Most of all prepare your home, personal life and family life to be the environment that will best benefit your child. Make adjustments to lifestyle NOW--you won't be able to do so later.
That's all for now. Congratulations and blessings to you and your wife.
-- @rjamestaylor on Ello
Having the baby:
4. Keep everything out of reach and bolted down (passwords on screensavers, short timeout) until they're about 8yo
5. They're a lot of effort, but if you put that effort in wholeheartedly, they're a fantastic reward
Got time? Spend some of it coding or testing
Learn why you should not have kids.
I recommend an abortion before it's too late.
On breastfeeding. No argument that it's natural and the best. It takes patience for mom and baby to learn how to do it. It's very important at the beginning because it transfers immunity from mom to baby. A lactation consultant is a good thing.
From three months to six your life will resemble it's pre-baby form because the baby has learned to sleep for 4~6 hours at a stretch.
Products that I find helpful:
which I can already see.
Lastly and most importantly early child rearing is a job best done by three or more people. If your child will have grandparents or other caring friends and family take them up on any honest offers to help. Avoid help that comes with baggage.
Ecks
They're going to hand you this little lump of flesh at the hospital, and you get to take it home. If you're anything like us, you'll feel utterly incompetent at the thought of being parents, and overwhelmed.
You get over it. Parenthood is strictly learn-by-doing, and each stage hopefully prepares you for the next.
You're also going to have tons of "helpful advice." Follow your own gut, and sort through that advice, and don't be afraid to throw it out. this is YOUR child, not theirs. At some point, you will realize that you are the expert on this child, not anyone else.
The living have better things to do than to continue hating the dead.
If the baby comes out African-American and both parents are white, and your wife is good-looking, and you live in the greater Kansas City area, that's perfectly normal.
Custer's Revenge: The greatest video
your kid is (almost) never to young to have a baby sitter. We got our first steady one when our kids were 2 & 17 months old.
She was 12 yo and lived 3 houses away. Pay her well. Make sure Mommy really likes her.
We are, still to this day, all great friends, [kids are now 17 & 18, baby sitter is nearly 30] even though we are 600 miles apart.
oh, and yes, she turned out to be a *hottie*.
-- www.globaltics.net
Political discussion for a new world
Since the deed is already done, my suggestion of getting a vasectomy before your life ends as you know it is a little pointless. However, I have these words of wisdom: Don't humiliate the kid Encourage them (don't pressure them) into good study habits. Get a vasectomy before you make another mistake I know I'll pi** a lot of people off by saying that having kids is a mistake, but many, many, many lives and marriages are ruined because of kids. More than most people want to admit, and it's enough of a problem that people should stop feeling an obligation to contribute to overpopulation and its associated issues (i.e. pollution, destruction of land, etc.)
------
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
Your child's brain is a mass of neurons that will be ordering itself with tens of thousands of new synapses every day. This self-ordering is based on the child's experience, and the experience that most shapes the child's personal qualities and capacities will be social interaction. You and your wife should be the ones doing the interacting; do not trust this critical job to hired help, which tends to treat infants as houseplants.
Social interaction with infants is not the same as social interaction with adults. It's physical as well as verbal. A baby needs cuddling and holding, and later pat-a-cake and horsey-back rides. A child needs to hear loving voices and see eye contact and facial expressions that help explain the meaning of the words. No television; it teaches only passivity. Your baby doesn't need to hear Mozart, but gentle music is good, and your child will thrive on the rhythm and melody and words and familiar voice of your singing. My singing and guitar playing also relieved my baby's constipation once, but I'm not sure whether that was a sign of relaxation or a comment.
You and your wife cannot both have jobs with long hours. Unless your wife makes a lot more money, it is more practical for her to step back from her career so she can more easily breastfeed and follow the baby's sleep/wake schedule. Depending on her relationship with her employer, her intention regarding future references, and her benefits package, she might want to keep her mommying intentions to herself until after she has exhausted her paid maternity leave. The law guarantees she can have her job after unpaid leave, so she is legally protected in taking time off when the baby is born and making a final decision in a few months about whether to return.
You will need to step back from your hobbies and long hours at work too. You will want to spend as much time as possible with your child, and you'll also need to help your wife. Get used to a less expensive lifestyle (no leisure travel, no dining out) and save money for when your wife's income stops. Budget, get organized, put your affairs in order because no matter how busy you think you are now, you are on vacation compared to after you have a baby.
If you want to have another baby, do it soon after the first. We had trouble getting pregnant at first, but once the machinery started working it stayed in gear, and we (rather unexpectedly) got pregnant again when our first child was nine months old. It seemed difficult at first, but it was great because we were in the routine and the kids (now 6-1/2 and 5) are best friends. I was and am also very close to my brothers who are a year and two years younger.
Speaking of my wife's and my pregnancy, she would say it was in fact her pregnancy and only hers. Women find this point increasingly important as pregnancy progresses and becomes less comfortable. Whatever.
As soon as my first child was born I realized that I'm nothing but a link in a chain. Raising your children is not just the most important thing you'll ever do; it is, in the grand scheme, the only thing you'll ever do. Enjoy it and do it right.
You will need:
- A diaper genie. The only way to deal with dirty diapers.
- A swing, preferably battery powered. Great way to soothe tired kids who don't want to nap.
- Toys. Lots of toys. The more the better, to encourage creativity.
- A PVR. Forget ever watching "West Wing" on time. It just ain't happeneing.
- Patience. You thought installing modern Linux from floppy on an old 386 with no CD was frustrating, you ain't seen nothing yet.
- The books
- What to expect when she's expecting
,- What to expect in the first year
, and- The Girlfriend guide to Pregnancy
. All full od good information.A few observations:
- Jar food is not evil. It makes travel, especially by air, much more pleasant.
- Disposable diapers are the way to go, for the same reason.
- If s/he is in daycare, watch them like hawks. Give preference to daycares that do NOT have TVs in the rooms with them.
- Find a good pediatrician now. Talk to moms with small kids - they know who is good and who isn't. A good pediatrician will save your sanity several times.
- Sleep now.
-- "Never underestimate the power of human stupidity." - R.A.H.
Actually What to expect when you're expecting, is often NOT recommended by doctors and midwives alike, because it often "scares" women due to the way some things are presented and some of the information given. The rest of the "what to expect" books are ok though.
-- I speak only for myself.
While I may have some opponents here on slashdot, I highly suggest you do not rape your children.
...In the end, its all that matters. Technology and jobs come and go, as do all but the best of friends, but families are eternal.
How much it sucks.
The extent to which it would ruin my life.
My recommendation would be to get an abortion while you still can. Save your life and marriage.
Don't get caught in the trap of always getting up in the middle of the night to feed your baby. After your kid is a few months old he/she is fully capable of going through the night without needing fed. For the first few months there's not much you can do but get up, feed them, and rock them back to sleep but it won't take long before your kid will be programmed to wake up in the middle of the night and start crying for food, even if they are not hungry. The best indicator of when this is when they don't eat much before going back to sleep. When this happens you should be able to train them to sleep the entire night (at least 6 or 7 hours) We sleep trained my son at 9 weeks, YMMV. Try the following:
Don't let kids sleep with you in your bed. If your doing it now, stop immediately. It's easier for you to sleep if you can't feel every movement your kid makes (at least it was for me) and it is easier for them to sleep when they can't feel every move you make. After your kids are about 1yr or older, sleeping in their own bed also helps their self esteem immensely. Everyone sleeping in their own bed is just better for everyone involved. Plus it make extracurricular activities a lot easier.
Don't underestimate the value of reading to/with your kids. Start soon and keep it up no matter how many times they bring the exact same book to you. Make sure to expose them massive amounts of animal pictures, sounds, rhyming (very important), textures (also very important) music (the sing-along type not rap/rock ect...), colors, popup books. Be interactive, don't just read to them, take their hand and point to pictures and tell them what they are pointing at.
Let your kids get dirty when they start feeding themselves and moving around. In about 4-6 months your kid will probably stop letting you feed him/her and demand to do it themselves. Let them make a mess of their food and play in the dirt later on. It is very important to for your kid to experience all of the different textures that are out there.
Don't put your kids in a bubble. If something they are doing is probably going to cause them to get hurt a little, like bump their head or fall down, let them do it (see disclaimer). When they do bump their head and fall down, act like you didn't see it until they start crying. And when they start crying, let them cry for a couple of
Not just PC's. Phones, answerphones, baby monitors, power outlet sockets, etc etc.
My 2.5 YO phoned a client's voicemail today. I had locked my phone but he can power it off, then on, then the lock is off. Also, someone in our house regularly changes the OGM on the answerphone - I wonder who?
Baby monitors have been plugged into the wrong transfomers - bzzzt! (One of my kids put the feed from the transformer into their mouth once - they didn't do that again!)
Radio alarm-clocks have been retuned or reset, lights blown by constant switching, and lots of tools lost around the house.
Oh, hone up on your toy fixing skills too, every week something gets broken, whether it's a cracked plastic case or a leg off a chair from the doll's house.
It sounds like chaos, and it is, often, but it's what life is all about.
Some general advice: In the first few weeks, get all he rest you can (both of you), forget the chores unless you have to, take all the help you can (that's why you saved the chores), and try to savour the moments. Take some photos, get both parents in too.
Oh, when they get to 18 months, they get *really* interested in water. Sometimes I wish I hadn't got ceramic valve taps, which even a 2 y.o. can turn on...
Note to ACs: I won't mod you up, even if you are being funny or insightful. So take a chance! It's not real life!
1) make sure you have life insurance, especially if your wife is planning on staying home instead of having a job.
2) make sure you have life insurance for your wife too.
3) get FULL physical checkups for yourself, not just your wife when you find out she's pregnant. your health and your attitude towards your health is an important part of your childs upbringing. i never saw my dad go to the doctor for anything, and it gave me a sense of my own invincibility, right up until he died before 45. i now see the doctor every six months and have a COMPLETE checkup every year.
4) whatever diet you're going to be on when you're raising the child, get used to it now. having your kid see you grimace at the thought of soysauge instead of real meat doesn't help him.
5) baby proofing your house is important before the kid arrives. you will NOT have time to do it once s/he arrives.
6) the hospital we chose gave classes in childbirth which were actually meant for anyone caring for an infant. included were instructions on how to give the baby a bath, when to worry and call the doctor, how to baby-proof your house, etc. lots of little things you don't think about until someone asks you. the best thing, and one you hope to never use is the baby CPR class. take it.
a few things you'll notice now that you're a dad:
1) 87% of public restrooms are filthy
2) of the 13% that aren't filthy, you can't afford to be members at that particular establishment.
3) most places weren't designed with the dad changing the diapers in mind. learn ahead of time which of your favorite restaurants/stores/etc. have changing stations in the mens room.
4) if you get a baby monitor, we found it helps to have a small clock (that ticks and/or tocks) next to it in the kids room. that way we can tell if the monitor is working just by listening for the clock sounds. also helps fine tune it for whatever volume you'll need to be able to sleep and still hear the kid when they wake up.
most of all, take time for your kid. there's no point in working 80 hour days to support your family if you never see them. i took two weeks off when my son was born to help my wife get used to everything, and despite the lack of sleep, i'd never give that experience up.
oh, and sleep now. you really will never sleep again..
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http://www.theonion.com/onion3911/you_and_me_and_b aby.html
Originally from somethingawful.com You have been warned.
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
-- Pablo Picasso
Child-rearing advice, I've found, comes in 3 kinds: universals, particulars, and then all the other crap.
Universals you can learn from any reliable, scientific book on kids (ask your HMO. They may have free books for new parents). It's a matter of due diligence to be up on this stuff, so set aside a little time each day to read up on babies. I wouldn't waste my time on pop-culture child rearing books or anything more than 5-10 years old. Our scientific understanding of ourselves is a work in progress, so you want to be in possession of up-to-date information.
2, particulars of a given kid. If there's one sure universal to kids, it's that their all different. Pay close attention to your child's health and behavior, compare notes with your spouse, and follow up on anything "wierd" that doesn't seem to be explained in the books. It may be personality, or it could be a health issue. My daughter cried for weeks continuously right from birth. It turned out she had a sinus infection from leftover placental mucus. The nurses tried to clear it with saline, but that wasn't enough. I shot a jet of 2-to-1 saline and hydrogen peroxide into her nostril with a medicine syringe, and after a month the infection never came back. She also has fairly clear breathing for a toddler... Often people ascribe symptoms to a child's personality, when it may actually be a health issue. The nurses said "Oh, she's just a fussy baby." Well, they may be right, but my daughter became much more easy-going once sinuses and ears were no longer jammed with crud. So pay close attention to the details, and compare them to what the books have to say, and if you can't find anything about it in the book, let it set off a red-flag in your mind. It may be nothing, or it may be just personality, but it may be the symptom of something more serious.
Most child-rearing books have a "theory" to impart. I'll save you some time: their all complete, well-intentioned shit. Here's a theory: kids, like other baby animals, rehearse adulthood by playing. They also automatically develop language from their environment. If you want to teach your kids something:
- Make a game out of it or find a way to "play" the activity.
- Communicate as much and as early as possible with your kids, and insist they communcate in turn with you.
These two are really the same thing. FE, I taught my daughter when she was only 6 months old how to request juice (by saying "APU!" in a funny voice. then giving her juice), how to refuse things (by saying "NO!" and shaking my head in a silly way) and not to put things in her mouth (by saying "YUCKY!!!" and making a ridiculous grimace). After that, the crying went down a lot. If she was thirsty, instead of crying she'd saying "Apu!". If she was about to eat something off the floor, I'd say "Yucky!" instead of screaming and hollering at her, and because "Yucky" is such a fun game, she'd laugh and put the object down. Once she was full and didn't want more food, she knew to say "No" or shake her head instead of bawling and screaming like she was just born. Eventually, we had another, more serious game called "Use words". When she would get upset, the rule in the house was "Use words. If you don't say what you want with words, you won't get it." Of course you make reasonable exceptions, But it helps a lot when they're bawling their brains out if you have a set of pre-established codes, like "Use Words", "Apu", "Food", "Owie", "Sleepy", etc. for whatever concepts you need to convey, especially when they get upset. As long as the codes are viewed as a fun game and not some sort form of reprimand, they'll react more positively and start "talking" with you early on (it's not really talking, but it's enough to communicate, like teaching a chimp sign language). For physical skills, like using a spoon or cup, just make a game out of it at first, and you'll be shocked how fast they'll pick it up, and you'll have more fun with your kids in the process.
Democracy. Whiskey. Sexy. Pick any two.
Think of it as reverse broadcast power. This is why a few minutes in their company leaves you exhausted for several hours afterwards.
I see even classic Slashdot is now pretty much unusable on dial up anymore.
when children are very young they tend to cry at random when you are out in public, sometimes you can pacify them, sometimes you can't.
:) and everything i've said will have an exception at some point!
this means that there are some places one shouldn't take such a child, i refer to places such as cinemas, theatres etc.
anywhere else in public is fine, if the person behind you in the checkout at the supermarket has problems with the decibel level your child produces then they have the choice to go elsewhere! you are entitled to be there and you are not obliged to quieten your child with extraordinary methods - medicine, slapping, shouting etc.
learn to relax when your child cries, this is easy to say but it can be done:) there is a tendency to feel that everyone around is looking at you disapprovingly, perhaps judging you in some way, when we feel ourselves to be the focus of attention we tend to stiffen up and limit our gaze forward. this gives off all the wrong signals, to onlookers it says 'yes i know i'm in the wrong, please forgive me!' to the child it communicates unease, which is unlikely to ease the crying.
instead, make yourself relax your muscles a little, deliberately look around yourself, smile at people!
do not get into an argument with any fuckwit who thinks they are entitled to a silent life, i say this because i did once and it made me soooo angry and had no productive outcome!
crying is not misbehaviour and i've never punished my child becuase of it, misbehaviour in public however must be dealt with, but not necessarily at the time, if the child is older you can wait till you have control of the environment where you can discipline your child thoughtfully and not out of anger, younger children on the other hand will not benefit from any time seperating the 'offence' and the punishment, you will know your own child and her ability to reason and judge accordingly:)
when my daughter was able to walk and fell down/bumped into something/burned herself she would often look up at the nearest adult to see how badly she should react, i noticed this because if her mother was nearest she (her mother) would go straight into 'oh no! poor baby!' mode and my daughter would bawl her head off, if i caught my daughter's eye however, i would put on a smile and say something like 'whoops a daisy!' and not make a fuss straight away, often my daughter would not make as much fuss as if her mother had been there, of course sometimes there was no avoiding a drama and i wouldn't want anyone to think i was less than caring on those occasions:)
i've no other advice to impart that hasn't already been said other than,
you will fuck up every now and then, it will seem like you have ruined your childs life, they will be set back/traumatised for ever etc.
but
your child will recover, they will still love you, and they will not fail in later life because of whatever it was you did wrong! all parents make mistakes, however it is doubtful that this last will help you much, if you truly love your child then your emotions won't allow you to accept this the first few times (i guess if they did we'd make even more mistakes?) you have to learn this by experience
i'll end with - this is all personal experience - ymmv
snake
Another advantage of a real infant car seat is that they're usually designed so that you can carry the baby in it. This is the best way to bring an infant into a restaurant or out visiting/shopping.
You'd think a DVD with no moving parts might be more rugged than a VHS tape but there's a problem with the packaging. Those stupid snapdown spindle hole things in DVD cases have already cost up us two DVDs. The kids will want to play them themselves at age 2 or so, but they won't have the finger strength/coordination to push down on the center and pull the edge of the DVD to pop it from the case properly. Instead the little darlings try to brute force the DVD out by yanking hard on the edge of the DVD, cracking it in the process. So use a dremel tool or equivalent to file down the snaps. The case is perfectly effective storage without them.
Cashier: "Paper or plastic?"
Me: "Plastic."
Cashier: "Want your milk in a sack?"
Me: "Yeah - could you double back it?"
Cashier: "Sure. Want your bread and eggs in the same bag?"
Me: "Nah, could you bag 'em seperately?"
Cashier: "Sure! Have a nice day!"
Seriously. We fold all of our grocery bags and put them in a used diaper-wipe box that we store in a little box with the diapers and wipes. Throw in a smelly diaper, tie the handles, and pitch it in the dumpster. Voila! A (relatively) nice-smelling kids' room.
You can buy a Diaper Genie if you want, but you can get the same functionality for free if you're willing to recycle the bags you would've thrown away anyhow.
Dewey, what part of this looks like authorities should be involved?
After many years of reading slashdot news, and after many attempts at posting RELEVANT info here and always being knocked back, I see this at the top of the page... well done slashdot, i see the moderators are always on the ball here
I'm a new parent as of March 12. The one piece of advice I can give you that really will make a difference is this: Do not under any circumstances tell anyone when your wife goes into labor. It will be difficult to not fill in the family, and the grandparents will be upset to not be included in the experience, but your first few hours with your baby shouldn't be shared with 10+ family members. Your wife will want to feed the baby, and you will just want to sit and stare at her/him for awhile. There will be plenty of time for visits when you three get home.
When my wife was expecting our first, a friend of mine gave me a book called _Birth_of_a_Father_. I read it and have often thought the advice was good.
In short you should trust your instincts. If it seems right, it probably is, and you should just ignore the disapproving looks from the grandmotherly types at the park who think children should be in an extra 20 layers of clothes or steel-toe boots.
My wife and I had been married 13 years when our first was born, and I wasn't sure how well I would adapt to the changes. At the risk of sounding trite or redundant, there is an organic quality to it, and it all just works. The experiences changes you in ways you wouldn't expect, and you will like the changes.
In northern climates, wiper warmers for the first few months DURING winter, is a very nice to have, if the changing area is along an outside wall.
A carry-in baby caddy/infant car seat is BUY IT NOW! Do no wait! If you have two cars, buy the extra base!!! So the carrier can be in any car. Hell even buy one for Grandma's Car.
It is so nice to be able to get outside, or go to a good meal, with the bady sleeping. Remember: sleeping baby at dinner basicily ends around 9 months. After that Dennys will be the gormet resturant of choice until the youngest is at least 12 years.
If you have freinds with kids - in the 18 months to 2 year range (younger can help but most do not move as fast!)
"Rent them for a Day"
You will never think of the stuff in your house that is unsafe -- until you watch one of these kids - take it a part.
A book case with large books at the bottom and the "kid" books at the top. Either bottom boooks are stairs or a chair/box/toys are used.
A flower pot is turned over. You ask how a child that is 20 pounds can turn over a large 50 pound flower pot. EASY.
* check out water birth. Sounds weird but my wife swears it greatly reduced the pain for her two deliveries. If your wife has a sense of humor, bring score cards (5.9, 5.9, 5.9 and a 5.6 from the east german nurse)
* get one of the little massage doohickies that is shaped like a ball, with 4 legs each with a small ball on the end. They are made out of wood. These are perfect for counterpressure massage on the back during delivery. Your wife will want counterpressure, and if you don't get one of these, your thumbs will have bruises on them.
* Keep the baby in the bedroom with you. If you are not comfortable with having it in the bed with you, mount the bassinette on a stand next to your wife's side of the bed so that when the baby declares it is feeding time, all she has to do is roll over, grab, and plug the kid in for a quick top-up. No getting out of bed. Trust me, this is a huge win; another reason why breast is best. After the first week, you'll sleep through the feedings. After the second week, SHE'LL sleep through the feedings. Plus, no need for a baby monitor, and if something does happen to the baby's breathing pattern, you WILL wake up.
* She handles input. You handle output.
* Some babies have trouble lying down after a feed, the milk backs up a bit. I built a small foam platform for our first that put him on a 10-degree angle, with little side bumpers to keep him from rolling off. Problem solved.
* When baby starts cruising (standing up and moving while holding on to things), if you want to get her walking, try this trick. Put two chairs close together with the seats facing. With baby standing holding one chair, get her to move to the other one (transferring her handholds). Go back and forth, slowly increasing the distance between chairs, and you'll be amazed at how quickly she learns to walk. Took me less than an hour to get my first up to the 5-6 step range. And best of all, since it is "scheduled" you can tape baby's first steps.
* If you can manage to sucker your wife into working while you take care of the kids, do it. In particular if you can work out of the house.
Enjoy.
"World Domination - a fun, family activity"
Children can be all-consuming. Don't get so wrapped up in it that you forget about your wonderful wife. Finding time to do the things you used to do as a couple will become difficult. If you have family nearby, that can be a big help. It's easier to go out with an infant than with a toddler - they can't move, they mostly just eat and sleep (unless cursed w/ colic). Go out now, while you can. You can't shut kids off. They are 100% your responsibility, 24 hours a day. But you need a break. You both need to take breaks together. Find a babysitter. If you don't do these things, you may wake up one day wondering why you're living with a stranger.
--Lawrence Lessig for Congress!
My wife got that nice gliding rocker. She placed in the baby room and enjoyed. It was about 9 months later when my wife was sleeping in the chair, and first daughter had her arm thought the side slats trying for a toy, that I realized how wrong that chair was. I had to stand there and wait for my child to finish or get board. Becuase waking my wife would have most likly broken my daughter's arm.
We still have chair - and two more kids have riden in it. But my wife makes it point not to sit in the chair IF SHE IS SLEEPY.
The big one was realizing that live is all about choosing what is important to you. In my mind putting a career into suspended animation to raise a child is no sacrifice at all. As if taking time out to run to the bathroom is a sacrifice.
My other realization is how quickly life can change for the better when you grab the reigns and control the team yourself. You aren't a passive participant in all this. You have arrived there after a series of deliberate decisions. The question is only how seriously did you take those decisions.
Having a kid is not a matter of bumbling around and hoping everything works out for the better. You and your SO really need to sit down, figure out how you are going to work this child into your life, and work from there.
What worked for me and my wife:
- We are moving from a swanky one-bedroom in center city to a row home. The mortgage on a 80k house is $200 cheaper than our present rent.
- We are sticking with our car. It's small, but it will be paid for in August.
- We both agree that we are going to only have 1
- My toy budget is now the baby's toy budget
- If my wife lands a job after the baby is born, I'm going to stay home with the kid.
These are all grown up decisions, that have to work for you and your spouse. There is no right answer, remember that. And remember that a lot of well meaning people are ready to share their ideas with you at a moment's notice. That said, the decisions are yours alone to make."Learning is not compulsory... neither is survival."
--Dr.W.Edwards Deming
IKEA has a pretty nice recycled (before you re-use it) holder. It mounts to the wall, and when you unload a grocery bag, you just stuff it in the rack until you need it.
I'll still toss the bag into a diaper pail. We don't have an outside trash can in our Apartment (but the new house will.)
"Learning is not compulsory... neither is survival."
--Dr.W.Edwards Deming
If it's a boy, please don't name him Bilbo.
(and if it's a girl, Bilba or Bilbette won't do either)
Well, some fun things and activities for the baby... Thing number one is called a sling, or "over the shoulder carrier". With a baby in the sling, you can type your dissertation (as I did), walk around and participate in some of your regular activities, such as cleaning, reading :-) or giving talk at seminars (as I also did) - all without bothering the baby. It is much easier to travel, to calm the baby during troubled night times, etc. if the baby is nursing... Log onto La Leche League for info on how to prepare for that and how to support your wife's nursing.
A computer is a great baby toy. Put some pretty pictures into PowerPoint - the baby will bang on keyboard and each bang will produce a new slide. It helps a lot with those colics at three or four month of age and later too. When the baby is about nine or ten month, you can get a touchscreen - the one that is clapped onto your regular computer screen. It costs around one hundred dollars... But then the baby can play computer games meaningfully, while with the mouse it will take about another year until the coordination catches up... Reader Rabbit Baby and Reader Rabbit Toddler are good beginner games.
Don't be afraid to drop cash on a nice infant seat.
And do NOT consider the leather seat seen a babies r us. I saw a woman buying one of these a few weeks ago, and just laughed my ass off. $400 for a black leather baby car seat. Hot/cold, and it WILL get crap spilled on it.
It only gets harder the older they get. For the first year, being able to put them down somewhere, and know exactly where they are is a blessing. Once they are mobile, things go downhill...:)
[Based on a 5 year old and 3 year old]
1) Buy more towels. This may sound really stupid, but when the kid makes a mess (either end), the thing that will quickly ease your stress the most will be a clean towel readily at hand. I mean readily, not halfway across the house or up the stairs, I mean two steps. My first daughter was a spitter, semi projectile vomiting (even once on a cat 5 feet away!) at least once a day for two months, and nothing felt better than cleaning it up quickly. I had 4 dozen hand towels, and 2 dozen washcloths, and I never felt like I had too many.
2) Everything else you will have time to figure out. And you will, given love and patience.
3) As a minor point, don't tell everybody the actual due date, but the date that the OB will insist on an induction. My boss told everybody the actual date, and so for two weeks, the first words out of his mouth every phone call were "No, no news yet!"
As Dr. Benjamin Spock said, in the immortal first words of his classic "Baby and Child Care" -- "You know more about taking care of babies than you think!"
You wont get any for the next couple of years :)
And one of you needs to quit your job and stay home with the child. Sure its hard, but its called sacrifice.
Best thing a parent can do for a kid is BE THERE, not ship them off to be raised by community centers ( ie daycare/sitter ).
---- Booth was a patriot ----
Also, start a set of maple unit blocks - we have several hundred of them now and the guys still use them every day as the oldest approaches 11.
Forget about most junky and flashy plastic toys and electronic gizmos though - the rumours about kids having more fun with the empty box are quite true.
sPh
This is very bad advice.
Don't get me wrong. Epidurals are great if a) you need one, and b) it works for you. However, there are some issues you need to consider.
First is the comment from the AC that epidurals do increase the risk of complications. This is true.
Secondly, they can be damn inconvenient. We went through a 36 hour labour (breech), and the doctor wanted the epidural in place just in case an emergency C-section was necessary. (Breech births rarely need a C-section, but it was prudent to have it in place.) Well, it was hell. Imagine sitting on your tailbone for 20 hours, unable to get up and walk around. Compare this with what women naturally want to do in labour (i.e. get up and walk around).
Thirdly, babies come when they want to. If you live in a small town, for example, your local hospital may not have an anaesthetist there 24 hours a day (on call for emergencies only), so the epidural may not be an option. You do not want to be in the position where you have to do a drug-free labour which you are not prepared for.
I recommend this site which was started by my wife during her pregnancy with our first child, and hacked up a lot since then. It's based on all the research which we did. Go look.
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50% of the moderators found this post informative.... Strange...
Dead Baby Jokes in tha Hizzouse!!
Q: What is blue and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A: A baby with slashed floaties.
Q: What is green-black and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A: The same baby three weeks later.
Q: What's charred black and smells really bad?
A: A baby playing with a blow torch.
Q. What was the baby doing on the wall?
A. Playing darts. It was the board.
Q. What was the baby doing on the table?
A. Lying on its tummy. It was the pin cushion.
Q: What is 18" long, cold and stiff, and makes a woman scream in the morning?
A: Crib death.
Q: What's more fun than nailing a baby to a fence?
A: Ripping it back off.
Tape over the reset button on the computer
Use journaling filesystems, since he/she will eventually bypass the tape
Leave some sacraficial floppies/CDs around, to keep him/her away from the real ones
Tivo. Live TV will no longer be an option
When it comes to car seats, Britax is where it's at. For travel, get the pack n' play, the one with the optional music, massage and such. Yes, it sounds retarded, but babies love it, it's money well spent.
your relationship with your wife is going to change a bit. it won't be quite the same once the baby is in your lives. try to slip her the dick every once in a while to keep things going. or at least give her head when the oportunity is there. and these opportunities will be very very very rare.
since you still got plenty of time, keep things going til maybe 1 month before the due date. it'll be a bit more difficult because your wife is in a completely different state, but do take care of her needs as best you can.
--Drunk as in Beer
You have no idea how much I appreciate that.
I've seen and heard shiny things about Gallery, though I have not tried it out myself.
I've read no posts about including music in the upbringing of your child. Any music that is heard often in the womb will result in a very special experience for the child if he ever hears it again once born.
The carseat is for cars - otherwise, keep your baby close to you, on your body. When you walk and move, the baby learns rhythm and balance. Then be amazed when the child is old enough to walk, and when placed on two feet for the first time, walks away on his own. Hey, maybe those African tribes in the middle of no where actually do know something.
Studies show musical taste is determined by age 3, so enjoy a wide variety of music so you child may enjoy a wide variety of music as he grows.
Best of all, make music with your child (do trust your childs mood when engaging in such activities - if he feels like it, go for it, if not, let it go). Your singing, or guitar playing, or drumming, or whatever you do - it IS good enough for you and your child. Sing and play games, and dance around, and have fun! Music is all about celebrating life!
Spoon not. Fork, or fork not. There is no spoon.
The big thing is, try not to plan out the next five years of your life. No matter WHAT you think, good or bad, you can't predict the changes a child brings. Keep seeing your friends, and keep taking your wife out for nice dinners. Or bring her flowers now and again. And MAKE SURE YOU GET UP WITH THE BABY ONCE IN A WHILE. These are the keys to domestic tranquility. Take your baby to the zoo and the aquarium. They love it. And teach them to use a mouse early... And enjoy it! Diapers, sniffles, midnight feedings and all, my wife and I have had so much fun with our first, we went ahead and had a second!
Secondly, baby monitors can wreck havoc upon wifi systems, even if they aren't in the same frequency range. Don't ask me how, I have stopped trying to figure it out. We only use the monitor when it is necessary. ... that's because while the monitor may be at a different frequency range, the sub-sonic and super-sonic wails of the baby cross frequency boundaries and fsck with your wi-fi.
Parenthood can be the easiest and hardest thing you will ever do at the same time. My wife had an extremely hard time having our daughter, she had nausea from day one until she checked into the hospital at month 6 for her 6 week stay until she delivered (by emergency C-section).
The fun didn't stop there, our new daughter developed a antibiotic resistant staph infection and spent 6 weeks in the Neonatal ICU. Half-way through the stay in the NICU I was laid off. My wife's C-section incision diddn't close properly requiring daily trips to the hospital to get it packed for 10 weeks.
Then we start to notice she is progressing a little slower than she should be. Our Pediatrician said to not worry about it and that it was probably just because she was early. The developmental delays continued and did not improve with the ped telling us not to worry. My mom asked if she could get a second opinion and she volunteered to take our daughter to another ped.
He had another complete opinion, and after consulting with him we started getting shots for RSV and our daughter now has a collection of therapists that come to our house every week to give our daughter therapy for the Cereberal Palsy that our original pediatrician completely missed.
The therapists say that our nearly 1 year old is physically at around 5-7 months, but mentally at around 14-16 months. With therapy, splints, and possibly surgeries she should have no troubles and catch up with her peers eventually, but what if we hadn't gotten that second opinion.
Even with all her problems she is the happiest baby I and all her therapists have ever seen, she always has a smile on her face, has slept 7-10 hours nightly since we brought her home from the hospital, can play independently for hours at a time, and is generally a joy to have around. Sometimes it is a little painful to see her with her cousins who are developmentally normal, but her smiling face and giggles make up for it.
She was a complete OOPS, but I wouldn't go back and change it and neither would my wife.
Well, congratulations on the daddy thing.
It does bother me somewhat, though, that somebody would ask us bunch of fools how to raise a child.
I guess the best advice I can give is that you should forsake any and all advice and just go with your instinct. If it was good enough for the Flintstones, it's good enough for us.
xScruffx
I just now noticed this msg. thread - and hopefully this info/advice helps!
1. Beware an invasion of your privacy by the state! Because my wife happened to have some info on her health records/history about an attempted suicide incident back when she was 15, the state saw fit to force social workers upon us in the hospital recovery room, right after our first daughter was born. Attempts to let them know they weren't really welcome at that particular time only made matters worse.
2. Be prepared to have *much* less free time than you're accustomed to - but don't go overboard either. (I found that I got all kinds of pressure to spend "more time with my kid", because after all, "they grow up before you know it!". Don't discard the value of putting in some time to earn much-needed money merely out of a guilt-trip others lay on you about not spending all that time with your child. He/she won't really remember what you did anyway at less than 1 year old.)
My only sage advice is that you and your wife sit down and decide who is going to bring home the bacon and who is going to raise the children. I wish I had been given this option when we had our first child 7 years ago, but I made a lot more than my wife so the question was moot. Two incomes will never amount to the riches you give your children by having a parent raise them fulltime. I have many friends who do the two income thing, and they often marvel at how well-adjusted, well-behaved and happy our three children are. Slimming down to one income is a daunting proposition, I know. But it is definitely one to consider.
Best of luck, and congratulations!
Seriously, my wife is a professional critical care nurse. She's good at it, she loves it, but it's not more important to her than our children.
She's been mostly home since we started having kids (30 month old boy, 9 month old girl) working only enough to get a break from the kids (though not at all for the last 9 months) and our kids are reaping the benefits. Day care can never be an adequate replacement for 24/7 mother care.
Now before you go off about money, let me say that I ain't rich. I make a decent living but the mortgage is mighty steep to match. The money has been very tight for the last few years with only one income but it is worth every penny lost to know our kids are being raised by their mother!
Before birth:
Put a tennis ball in the bag you bring to the hospital. Then use it to massage your wife's back, so your fingers don't get exhausted in the first 30 minutes.
After:
Buy a copy of the book Babywise by Ezzo and somebody. My 4 month old son started sleeping through the night at 8 weeks. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Weissman (?) is also good.
Put the baby to sleep in its own room as soon as possible. One week is not too soon. You will sleep better, and the baby will too.
Punishment will never encourage a good behavior. Only reward will encourage a good behavior. Punishment can be used to (temporarily) suspend a bad behavior, but you must then do something to encourage the good behavior, so you can reward it. Punishment by itself, without an encouragement/reward follow up, is perilously close to abuse.
Buy a PVR. No question. This is by far the best way to not only let you watch some tv, but also to let you control the tv the kid watches. Just don't let the kid watch tv while you're feeding it. This may mean you can't watch tv while feeding the kid. Sorry about that.
Remember: your kid can adjust to anything, and the sooner you start, the easier it will be for them.
Your kid will do what you do. If you want them to learn to clean up after themself, clean up after yourself. If you want them to be polite, be polite. Etc.
Finally, there are really only two things you need, to be a great dad:
1) You have to be willing to give up anything and everything at any given moment to do something for your kid.
2) Patience. Patience is great because it's one of the very few virtues that you can always figure out, even if you don't really have it. I mean, if you don't have wisdom, you can't just say "what would a wiser person do" because you're just not that wise. But you can almost always tell what a more patient person would do in any situation. Then do that.
I always laugh to hear people say that kids can out-stubborn adults. I'm 42. My oldest son is 3. Ten minutes is an eternity to him. He has never outlasted me in any contest of wills.
We have two kids (3yrs and 8 months) and the best pieces of advice are as follows:
....time will go by so quickly...you'll kick yourself later when your baby is 2 and you have no pictures of their early years
-Get used to eating (out) dinner at 4pm...the restaurants are not crowded, this seems to be the most family friendly time for eating and chi-ren dont yet grasp the idea of waiting...ie: waiting for your food to come out
-Simethicone drops in EVERY bottle...our son was premature by 5 weeks and had reflux something fierce...he was on Zantac and Reglen...the reflux alone caused him to spit up his bottles at each feeding...the simethicone drops removed the gas/bubbles from his bottles and helped to minimize the spewing burps as i call them
-eat dinner together...you and your spouse will have little enough time together...sit down and talk when you can
-video or take pictures
-get used to not having a clean house..."real" parents know that you have kids and don't/won't expect your house to be spotless
-up your life insurance...if you and your wife decide that she or you will stay home...the burden of the single income bread winner becomes very serious...you arenow making decisions that will affect all of you not just the single you...if you were to get hit by a truck tomorrow, would they be taken care of.
hope this helps.....enjoy the experience (minus the sleep)
Why do you we have higher moral expectations from our daughters than we have for our sons? Why is the burden on the female to retain her morality while the boys get to "sow" their oats?
Don't boys get a hearty chuckle, a pat on the back and a knowing grin when they brag about sleeping with either a hot girl, many girls, or both?
Why can't your daughters get the same positive acknolwedgement for banging a number of boys? Oh yeah I forgot because in the boy's case he'd be a stud (A good thing) while the girl would just be a slut. (A bad thing)
Mac OS X and Windows XP working side by side to fight back the night.
Not very good advice. It places both the child and parent in physical danger. I've seen people attacked when they didn't seem to be doing enough to quiet their child down, especially in movie theatres but also in supermarkets.
Mac OS X and Windows XP working side by side to fight back the night.
We sometimes work long hours, and that will either come to an end or we'll put in lots of effort to work around that.
The people who I think are really good parents are the ones who'se priorities really changed after the baby arrived. Their family became priority #1 and the career comes second.
I hope that the repugnant notion of "quality time" is truly dead and buried. It is difficult to imagine that parents tried to justify that a couple of hours of quality time on the week-end would more than compensate for all of the extra hours spent at the office.
Speaking as the child of a workaholic, I have vivid memories of all the significant events in my life that my Dad was never able to attend because he was "busy working". He likes to remind us of all the extras our family could afford as a result, but it does not seem to have been worth it. Given the choice, I think my siblings and I would have preferred to have a Dad instead of the extended vacations (which he never had the time to take part in anyways.)
Time is the most precious commodity there is. It is the most valuable thing that you can give your children. Sure, there are bills to pay but do not let the pursuit of money interfere with the most important role in your life: being someone's Dad.
*** Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. -- Martin Mull
From my anecdotal observations of friends with kids, I'd note that someone needs to try to stay home. The service levels at day cares are pretty decent, but nothing beats having a mom or dad there.
:-)
I've had friends of mine come from families that did just fine on something akin to an entry level sysadmin job. Sure, they didn't have three SUVs and a big house in suburbia, but I'd say that they got a much better quality of life than the kids who got shipped off to day care.
Quite frankly, I used to make a sizeable amount of money and tool around in a Mercedes. These days, I make less, drive a Chevy beater, live a simpler life, but am happier. I'm discovering that I don't really need all the expensive toys to feel good about myself or be happy. Friends, warm clothes, good food and an occasional bottle of nice wine suffice me fine. Reading Slashdot certainly doesn't hurt
One thing I have found to be indispensible is to have industrial quality hearing protection available for you to use. It really works to take the edge off the screaming/crying of a baby, and lets you perform whatever task you need to do with a smile on your face and happiness in your spirit.
You will be able to hear what you need to hear, and reduce the number of headaches you will get from a small creature screaming right beside your head!
(Yes, I am a 3 times Dad, too, and my wife agrees with wearing these!)
- Be there for your wife and child, work at home if possible. Let your wife take off work or not work at all (see breast feeding)
- Use cloth diapers. www.kissaluvs.com makes fantastic fitted ones with plastic snaps. There are a lot of reasons to do this over disposables.
- Be there for your wife and child.
- Breast feed. It's tough and can be very tough if there are complications. The sacrifice will pay off for the rest of your childs life.
- Be there for your wife and child.
- The birth can be anything from a 1 minute push to 5 hours of pushing and a c-section. Be prepared for anything.
- Be there for your wife and child.
- Find a nurse or doula who your wife likes and will be there with your wife for the whole pregnancy. Hospital nurses and the shift changes can be a very unsatisfying experience in a long labor.
- Don't try to stay on any sort of schedule, a baby does not care what time of day it is.
I work at home for myself and my wife doesn't have to work. We stagger our sleep schedules, so ones of us is awake all the time, babies can wake up every couple of hours!
Having a child is actually a pretty unstressful and satisfying experience if your organize your life to be a parent and spouse. If you want to be a worker bee, having a child will not be a lot of fun.
I would agree that old school cloth diapers are a lot of unnecessary work. However, if you research the topic properly there are fitted cloth diapers with plastic snaps that are easier to put on than disposables and fit better, no ugly blowouts. www.kissaluvs.com is where I got mine.
I use cloth diapers, it's one load of laundry a day, it costs less in the long run, it's better for the childs skin, they learn to use the toilet sooner, the gel they use in most disposables is very nasty stuff that can cause sterility and it's better for the environment.
Breast feed and eat a healthy diet, no garbage or pollutants (chocolate, alcohol, processed crap, etc.)
One book I liked reading was "The New Father: A Dad's Guide to the First Year".
Whoops - there are several in the series now. What I read was "The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for Dads-To-Be". That was back in '95, when (I think) it had just come out.
Kids don't cry at "random", there is a reason for everything. Not everything is easy to pacify and just leaving your kid to cry makes your kid not trust you - there have been studies on this.
You need to figure out why the kid is crying and fix the problem.
I also think it is completely obnoxious and shows complete ineptness as a parent to leave your child to scream uncontrollably in public.
My second child is only 11 days old now... so I'm reading /. over a week behind. However, some things were neglected above:
1) The importance of sleeping NOW, before baby arrives. I know you thought they mentioned it enough, but SLEEP NOW or you shan't for months.
2) Cloth diapers rock. Yeah, they're a pain to learn to put on right (but you're a geek and you'll understand the logic behind the folding patterns so it's not so bad) and the first week you'll want to give up. However, they're cheaper, better for the environment, and are delivered to your door if you pick the right folks! I can't push Tiny Tots enough if you're anywhere in the greater SF/SJ Bay Area. It used to be worse for the environment but not any more - better washers and extrication - aint tech grand? And by law, you're supposed to rinse out paper diapers before throwing them away (can't put human excrement in the landfills, I know no one does it but it's still on the books) and the diaper companies actually ask you not to clean out the poop.
3) Breastfeeding is the best *BUT* don't let the Breastfeeding Nazis get a hold of you. My wife had really bad problems (blood and gobbets of flesh coming off, erg) with the first and it was awfully hard to throw off the brainwashing and use formula as a supplement. With this one we're using it when necessary and it's not perfect (some previous people mentioned the problems) but it's better than a chewed-up wife. Trust me.
4) Sleep now!
5) Make nice with your boss so you can be more flexible with your time away from work. You want to see your kid!
6) <preach>Figure out how to get one of you to stay at home with the kid. I don't care how, just do it. Read like mad to them. Read like mad around them. They'll pick up from your behavior what's important. Talk to them like adults and they'll behave well. Treat them like babies and they'll behave like it. They have brains (lots, based on you) and they'll use them. Your family is now your top priority. Period. Show that to them. </preach>
7) Sleep NOW.
8) Trust your instincts. We did things exactly the opposite of a number of posters, and exactly the same as others. Ignore anyone who tells you something that doesn't fit with your views, even if it's your mother. Especially if it's your mother!
9) Did I mention to sleep now?
Congrats and good luck... holler if you need more opinions! johnqatmpsce dott com
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