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Ask Slashdot: Geekiest Way To Cook a Turkey?
First time accepted submitter almostadnsguy writes "There seem to be a lot of ways to cook a turkey the geekiest ones are probably out of the realm of possibility for normal geeks. However, Within the limits of normal society (or outside if you wish) what is the geekiest way to do it? Do you use a special brine, cook it in an inventive way, or raise genetically modified turkeys with extra legs?"
I would share my method, but it only works for a spherical turkey in a vacuum.
I don’t do anything geeky with the Christmas dinner (I’m Canadian, it’s our next turkey day). Wouldn’t even occur to me to try. I can’t even think of anything one could do that would qualify as geeky, but then I lack creativity.
I have a really nifty electric carving knife but that’s about it.
The geekest turkey recipe first starts with creating the Universe.
Stick it on your heatsinks and start cracking your favorite SSL cert.
Hang it in front of a high power antenna, and raise the transmission power to the maximum
Gather ten of your friends, remove all of your glasses, concentrate the rays of the sun, creating a spectacle oven. Voila.
You missed a comma.
Use the entire turkey as heatsink in a radically overclocked PC.
Really? What self respecting geek doesn't go home to be pampered by Mom?
XML is a known as a key material required to create SMD: Software of Mass Destruction
step 1: assume a perfectly spherical turkey...
let's have a conversation! let me know what you think.
Some people feel the need to extend their geek persona into everything (including family stuff).
Personally I'm not so inclined. Christmas (I'm Canadian so that's our next turkey day) and (our) thanksgiving are occasions when I like to put down the tech and spend the day hanging out at my mothers place with family. But I guess if someone wants to make an arduino controlled stuffing management system or something, to each their own!
I have one with a cable that goes out the oven door. It works great but I'd love a wireless one if someone can make heat tolerant electronics.
Put it in the freezer, thaw and eat by yourself on Thursday, watching re-runs of Star Trek?
Gently reply
Why is this on slashdot?
Yeah, this is "News for Nerds!", make the Geeks get their own website!
BBQ.
This being slashdot, the correct answer is mine BitCoins. Place turkey in GPU exhaust, wait until golden brown, serve.
Stick it in your tower.
Have you seen a commercial turkey farm? They shovel the dead out daily - it's like something from the Matrix. Do you really want to eat that?
FUCK YEA! Turkey is so yummy.
Have it delivered while you play Planet Side 2 in your parents' basement.
Step 2: Create startup with Elon Musk or Richard Branson, to launch turkey into the heart of the sun.
"Flyin' in just a sweet place,
Never been known to fail..."
YES! Have you tasted a dead turkey?
Dunno what options their are down there, but here in Canada lots of places where you can get a free range turkey.
Funny story: first year I did this I placed my order for 2 turkeys (one for thanksgiving and one for Christmas). Picked up the one for thanksgiving and was great, just the right size. Picked up the one for Christmas and it was huge! Like a complete idiot I asked why this one was so much bigger than the first one, to which the farmer replied of course that "it grew..". Kinda funny what a life time of buying stuff from grocery stores does to your brain.
Take the turkey.
Pour a bit of the vodka on it.
Drink a bit of the remaining vodka.
Prepare to put the turkey in the oven.
Pour some more vodka on it.
Sip some more of the remaininng vodka.
Put the burkey in the oben.
Taek anohter brink of the vokda.
Tuern om the onev at 200 degrees.
Whihle waithtng for durkey the to beacome reday, fiinsh the rest of the btotle.
Remuove teh rurheyk orfm eht oaven.
Clal am aumbuleance to treat yoru bruns.
At least that's how I'd do it
I launch my turkeys into low earth orbit, I use the heat from reentry to cook it.
Something using chemicals and thermonuclear action.
I don't get it.
Are you cooking the turkey to eat it? Because if you are, there's only a handful of time tested methods to do so (in the oven, on the BBQ, sometimes deep-fried in a giant vat of cooking oil or grease). I've watched a lot of cooking shows on TV and I'm by no means an "expert" on this stuff, but every time I see someone working with turkey the formula is always the same- apply heat until cooked, add something else, then consume.
So I'm really not sure what "within the limits of normal society (or outside if you wish)" means. Are you looking for an answer like "I hoist my turkeys 200ft into the air, then shoot at them with improvised rifles fashioned from recycled microwave magnetrons and a focusing coil/antenna I built in my garage"? Or are you looking for an advanced culinary technique that few people use, but can otherwise yield amazing results? That "or outside if you wish" really gets me, because I'm sure there's a civilization somewhere out there in space who cooks their turkeys by loading them into a trebuchet, setting them on fire, then launching them into a volcano where a lone volunteer must venture to retrieve the cooked bird after a set amount of time as some sort of ritual/right of passage. That's outside normal society, right?
I'm trying really hard not to say "just fucking google it", but that's the best advice I can offer. Just. Fucking. Google. It. I'm not even sure why you think most Slashdot folks would know how to cook a turkey- unless you want them to venture out of the basement and go ask their moms.
just saying
Mom! HEY MOM! Bring me some turkey down here! MOM!!!!!
Does a pretty good job on the turkey but totally fucks up the stuffing.
"The average reporter we talk to is 27 years old......They literally know nothing." - Ben Rhodes
Works for Chicken!
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00hcbq7
Wrap your turkey in C-4 and implode the turkey. The geeky part is getting a perfect implosion so shaping the explosives will take some computer modeling and getting the right detonators is tricky to achieve implosion.
Cooking involves complex chemistry and physics. Learning to cook consistently good food is a very difficult, geeky achievement.
Skullfuck.
I can't vouch for the edibility of the finished product, but....
Take 1 frozen turkey, and remove plastic wrapping.
Place on a ceramic or glass pedistal.
Plug in your 5000v induction heater charge controller.
Wrap a coil of 10 gauge or thicker copper wire around a large stockpot to a height suitable for the intended purpose. Remove from stockpot, and attach coil to the charge controller.
Carefully lower the coil over and around the frozen turkey, taking care to assure that the coil does not short, and does not touch the turkey.
Turn the charge controller on, and observe carefully. A mysterious orange glow eminating from the frozen turkey is normal. It may be necessary to throttle back the voltage of the induction coil to avoid incineration of the turkey. Using a frozen turkey improves chances of first time success.
Keep children, pets, and the elderly away from the induction heater at all times, and always wear appropriate protective clothing and safety goggles.
Slashdot keeps getting worse. I've seen better shitposting on 4chan and reddit.
In the past, under Taco, someone would've posted something really awesome about preparing a turkey with detailed instructions. Nowadays Slashdot is so fucking desperate for content to remain relevant the site's trying to get other people to write shit.
Just stop. Return to the current state of being a week behind the rest of the internet regarding news and tech.
I thought turkeys could fly..........
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lf3mgmEdfwg
"The average reporter we talk to is 27 years old......They literally know nothing." - Ben Rhodes
Or gpu?
Walk over to the replicator and say "White meat Turkey, Stuffing, Mashed Potatoes w/gravy & gelled cranberry sauce" Oh and 'Earl Grey Tea please'
Sigs are for losers
So... some would rather eat their turkey ALIVE?!?
You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations. Your people will wear cardigans, and drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the road sides, you will play golf, and enjoy hot hors d'oeuvres. My people will have pain and degradation. Your people will have stick shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They have said, "Do not trust the Pilgrims, especially Sarah Miller."..
And for all these reasons I have decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground.
“He’s not deformed, he’s just drunk!”
I've learned two big things over the years, both from Alton Brown, the geek god of cooking:
- A brine beats injections. I used to inject, now I brine. I don't use his brine recipe though. Mine has the usual salt and sugar, but I also use broth, some apple juice, a cayenne-based pepper sauce (Frank's, Louisiana, etc.), butter and herbs (mostly sage of course). I warm it enough to dissolve everything and get the flavors mingling, chill it, and brine the turkey fully submerged, breast-down overnight. I'm about to go get my started right after I finish this post! I also reserve some of this brine to pool up inside the cavity of the turkey when I first throw it in the oven.
- Use a real thermometer. If you use his method (the hot start then foil shield) you'll pull it when the breast reaches 155 and after resting your white and dark meat temperatures should be dead-on.
is to wait for your mom to call you up from the basement where you live to eat the Thanksgiving dinner she cooked.
Strapped to a ship's radar, or with C4.
Funny story:
Must be Canadian humor... I keed, I keed. Thank you for the story, now I'm hungrier for turkey than ever, and it would be fun to pick out which turkey I want murdered to provide my sustenance. "That one. Why, you ask? He knows what he did..."
s/[stupid comments]/[intelligent discourse]/gi
The right way for geeks to celebrate christmas or thanksgiving day is to not celebrate them at all. Geeks are supposed to be smart enough to not believe in imaginary friends in the sky and to not celebrate the biggest genocide in history eating turkey.
WTF am I doing replying to an AC at 5 A.M on a Friday night?
If these aren't the geekiest ways to cook a a turkey, I don't know what is:
http://gizmodo.com/5962516/nasa-scientists-show-four-ways-to-cook-your-turkey
Lemme guess, plutonium stuffing?
or, let me reformulate-why is this on science.slashdot.org? what science? the science of cooking? it would have been ok if it were on 'idle', I guess.
May have to do it a number of times. I once did something like this on a ocean liner back in 1970s with an apple. It was at nighttime and being a teenager I found the whole vessel activities boring. Spent a lot of time outside on the deck, the portion above the bridge and above that was the antenna mast with a rotating dish (classic oval about 5 ft wide). I threw the apple into its beam and (I didn't catch it, hit the floor) when retrieved it was warm. Was going to do it again but some passenger stopped me.
Another option is hang turkey in front of a commercial microwave dish.
mfwright@batnet.com
Microwave it. You only get geek points for this if you actually understand how your microwave oven works, at a very detailed level both in theory and in hardware. Super bonus points if you microwave your turkey from across the yard using a magnetron and parabolic reflector.
I am a geek attorney, but not your geek attorney unless you've already retained me. This is not legal advice.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=goWuvXz1qC4
Yes, they cook a turkey with flashlights in 2.5 hours. 6 flashlights. (not Fleshlights!).
MadCow.
I used to have a sig, but I set it free and it never came back.
I used crowdfunding to create a 3D turkey printer that puts layers of meat that is cooked in realtime with lasers. Oh wait im getting sued for patent...
YES! Have you tasted a dead turkey?
It sure beats a live one.
Normally I'd agree with almost everything you say, as I also don't believe in imaginary friends. However, thanks to the "holidays" in my country America, I get paid days off from work as well as free food and swag with a minimum of investment. Hell, the old folks don't even say grace at the dinner table anymore, even they outgrew that shit.
Speaking as a Jewish man, that's a pretty sweet deal. I'm rubbing my hands together and grinning just thinking about that free turkey I'm getting from the Salvation Army tomorrow. It will last my dog 2-3 weeks if I feed just a little of it to her a day.
-- Ethanol-fueled, still banned from posting under username
Because I imagine "geeky" can mean much more than that. A history buff who researches the traditional cooking methods and ingredients used by the pilgrims, and then sets out to replicate it with a wild turkey that he shoots and cleans would be doing it in a geeky way. A gardening buff who dries his own herbs and spices, and makes his stuffing from scratch with the leftover rosemary bread he baked last week would be doing it in a geeky way. And, of course, the science buff who levitates his turkey with magnets and blasts it with a high powered directed energy canon (dialed down for juiciness) would also be doing it in a geeky way.
Honestly though I'd rather prefer the garden geek's turkey, though it may be too late to plant your herbs now.
your thin skin doesn't make me a troll
Hang it above my EICO HF-87 vacuum tube amp and play the LA Phil recording of the music from Star Wars *real loud* Trick will be to catch the drippings so that they don't gum up the EL-34 / 6CA7 tubes. Good thing my AR turntable and HF-85 preamp are well away from the power amp. The result is the clearest sounding turkey possible.
Gary Dunn
Open Slate Project
It makes good meat taste like ham.
BTW, that 155 better be Celsius. It seems high, but any other 155 (K, F, or R) would be horrid.
Pull it out of the cold brine early and let rise toward room temperature. Then place the bird's breast in ice water until it has dropped twenty degrees in comparison to the thighs. Dry, stuff, and roast. It all gets done at the same time that way.
All your database are belong to U.S.
Let your mother cook it for you.
Set your phaser to just below "heat a rock". Shouldn't take that long. Skin comes out really crispy, too.
I live ze unknown. I love ze unknown. I am ze unknown.
Nvidia GPU...
If you could reason with religious people, there would be no religious people
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krxtt6jXE0w
mfwright@batnet.com
Turducken....
"I do not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it"
next question
Sent from my ENIAC
So this was 1974 and I was just a junior high-schooler and my mom had just bought a brand new Microwave oven! A very old school microwave with an analog timer, and analog heat setting. The challenge was: Cook a turkey in it. So the bird was stuffed and into the micro it went. 2.25 hours later we had a fully cooked rubber bird with dry grey skin and chewy stuffing. It was ugly but it sure was tasty.
Fully cooked in about 2 seconds.
Slavery is the legal fiction that a person is property; A Corporation is the legal fiction that property is a person.
The right way for geeks to celebrate christmas or thanksgiving day is to not celebrate them at all. Geeks are supposed to be smart enough to not believe in imaginary friends in the sky and to not celebrate the biggest genocide in history eating turkey.
Fun at parties, are you?
If you want news from today, you have to come back tomorrow.
This beats all.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjrI91J6jOw
So there were PCs cooled using gallons of cooking oil. Seems to me it may be warm enough to fry a turkey. If more heat is needed, crank up settings on a game and play.
Vi Hart (previously featured on /.) has posted a geeky turkey video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjrI91J6jOwm, which I found rather amusing!
No kitty, this is my pot pie!
The science of cooking would be chemistry and food chemistry is every bit as geeky as electronics hacking these days.
This has to be the way to do it! - http://www.cookingissues.com/2009/11/25/turkey-time-part-3-how-to-cook-it/
Yes, it's geeky - it's an artificial imitation vaguely-turkey-like product that can only exist because of a combination of complex technologies (including the transportation networks that get the things to the store, and the marketing processes that make it possible to make enough Tofurkey to be profitable.)
And ok, it doesn't taste quite like the real thing, and I'm not actually going to bother. Traditional American Thanksgiving feasts have enough non-meat dishes that you can really just skip the actual turkey.
Bill Stewart
New Fast-Compression-only CPR http://preview.tinyurl.com/dy575ks
That is the geekiest way to cook a turkey. Society doesn't have any limits.
Not sure if you can get a beer can big enough .. but works well on a chicken ... insert beer can (open/with hole in it) in chicken. Cook
Eat.
Drink rest of slab of beer.
It's a harvest festival. The genocide was incidental.
-- IANAL, this isn't legal advice, and definitely isn't legal advice for you. Also, Squee!
Stick it in the case with eight-core processor, then play Call of Duty for five hours.
Now you may all ask yourself what any of this has to do with turkey, and you'd be right for asking. I wish there was a simple answer but, friends, it ain't simple. It's Thanksgiving.
Alice's Restaurant
By Arlo Guthrie
This song is called Alice's Restaurant, and it's about Alice, and the
restaurant, but Alice's Restaurant is not the name of the restaurant,
that's just the name of the song, and that's why I called the song Alice's
Restaurant.
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
Now it all started two Thanksgivings ago, was on - two years ago on
Thanksgiving, when my friend and I went up to visit Alice at the
restaurant, but Alice doesn't live in the restaurant, she lives in the
church nearby the restaurant, in the bell-tower, with her husband Ray and
Fasha the dog. And livin' in the bell tower like that, they got a lot of
room downstairs where the pews used to be in. Havin' all that room,
seein' as how they took out all the pews, they decided that they didn't
have to take out their garbage for a long time.
We got up there, we found all the garbage in there, and we decided it'd be
a friendly gesture for us to take the garbage down to the city dump. So
we took the half a ton of garbage, put it in the back of a red VW
microbus, took shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed
on toward the city dump.
Well we got there and there was a big sign and a chain across across the
dump saying, "Closed on Thanksgiving." And we had never heard of a dump
closed on Thanksgiving before, and with tears in our eyes we drove off
into the sunset looking for another place to put the garbage.
We didn't find one. Until we came to a side road, and off the side of the
side road there was a fifteen foot cliff and at the bottom of the
cliff there was another pile of garbage. And we decided that one big pile
is better than two little piles, and rather than bring that one up we
decided to throw ours down.
That's what we did, and drove back to the church, had a thanksgiving
dinner that couldn't be beat, went to sleep and didn't get up until the
next morning, when we got a phone call from officer Obie. He said, "Kid,
we found your name on an envelope at the bottom of a half a ton of
garbage, and just wanted to know if you had any information about it." And
I said, "Yes, sir, Officer Obie, I cannot tell a lie, I put that envelope
under that garbage."
After speaking to Obie for about forty-five minutes on the telephone we
finally arrived at the truth of the matter and said that we had to go down
and pick up the garbage, and also had to go down and speak to him at the
police officer's station. So we got in the red VW microbus with the
shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed on toward the
police officer's station.
Now friends, there was only one or two things that Obie coulda done at
the police station, and the first was he could have given us a medal for
being so brave and honest on the telephone, which wasn't very likely, and
we didn't expect it, and the other thing was he could have bawled us out
and told us never to be see driving garbage around the vicinity again,
which is what we expected, but when we got to the police officer's station
there was a third possibility that we hadn't even counted upon, and we was
both immediately arrested. Handcuffed. And I said "Obie, I don't think I
can pick up the garbage with these handcuffs on." He said, "Shut up, kid.
Get in the back of the patrol car."
And that's what we did, sat in the back of the patrol car and drove to the
quote Scene of the Crime unquote. I want tell you about the town of
Stockbridge, Massachusetts, where this happened here, they got three stop
The right way for geeks to celebrate christmas or thanksgiving day is to not celebrate them at all. Geeks are supposed to be smart enough to not believe in imaginary friends in the sky and to not celebrate the biggest genocide in history eating turkey.
Speak for yourself. Not being American we don't do the whole Thanksgiving thing, but Christmas and Easter we do. Our Christmas and Easter celebrations have absolutely zero to do with religion, and are instead basically an excuse for the family to gather together and have a good meal and a drink or three.
I'm sure a co-worker's method of cooking other meats could be adapted to a turkey...
Village idiot in some extremely smart villages.
In a vacuum.
LOX grilled turkey!
http://www.bkinzel.de/misc/ghg/grill.mpeg
Encase in 1 ton of copper, dump LHC beams and turkey gets cooked by molten copper. Exceedingly rapid but has the disadvantage that apart from the difficulty in extracting the turkey from the copper it will also be slightly radioactive due to the activation by the beams.
As bored biomed-technicians in a USAF hospital, we found that on Thanksgiving, we had only frozen turkeys, as no-one had seen the need to thaw them (sigh).
Well, realizing we could reprogram a Steris steam-sterilizer to reach 300 degrees Farenheit, we cooked the turkeys in a sterilizer.
The most juicy, moist (soggy) turkey you will have ever tasted, and it takes about 90 minutes to cook *FROM FROZEN*
Just replace the heatsink on an AMD with the frozen turkey. In about 15 minutes you'll have a fully cooked turkey.
The first method came about from reading that one of the reasons that it is recommended that stuffing not be cooked in the turkey is that if the stuffing is cooked to a safe temperature, the meat is badly overcooked. My solution to this? Cook the turkey (following the usual oven method) with a heat exchanger to help cook the stuffing from the inside. 8 inches of 1" copper pipe, capped at both ends and 10 feet or so of 1/4" copper tubing tightly coiled into a 2-3" coil, and soldered into holes in one of the caps on the larger pipe, and the whole thing filled with water.
The large pipe was inside the turkey, the coil outside and exposed to the ambient oven temperature. The idea was that the oven would heat the water in the coil, and convection would circulate it into the turkey, cooking the stuffing from the inside. It seemed to actually work, too. The downside is the risk that one of the solder joints would fail after the water had heated up to ~300+ F. While that didn't happen the one time I tried it, the risk lead to the device forever after being referred to as "The Turkey Rocket". PS: Don't try this for your first dinner where you're inviting your parents and your girlfriends parents over. You might not survive. :)
Method #2 is a more recent method -- Sous vide cooking. You can't do a whole turkey, and skin of any kind is a bit of a lost cause, but skinless turkey breasts or drumsticks cooked at ~140F for 10 to 12 hours are amazing. More moist and tender than brined, and no risk of being too salty. And with wires everywhere, and an electronically controlled thermometer and heater, cooking doesn't get any geekier.
grnbrg
PS: If you're oven cooking, look up brining. It's easy, and makes a huge difference.
Make reservations online at restaurant in Palo Alto, and eat out. Tip generously. They deserve it. A new tradition 3 years running. OK, I'm not sure if the reservations were made online or by phone; but a friend emailed me confirmation.
You're absolutely right. That's why many choose to do the humane thing and hunt them instead.
A number of years ago when I worked for a government contractor a group of us cooked a ham by placing it in front of a microwave up-link to a satellite. We chose a ham as it seemed fitting--cook a ham with a radio, ham radio...
There's insecurity at work; perhaps even a hint of madness. Subtle, perhaps, but it's there. A cloying need to identify with a label, regardless of its meaning. Simply replace "geekiest" with another cultural label, and you'll see how unnatural it is. What's the most Christian way to prepare a turkey? Or the most furry? Perhaps the most patriotic? It is a desire to celebrate a simple observation about oneself and inflate it to cartoonish proportions, as if by doing so it is possible to purify out contrary personality traits.
Slowly but tirelessly, the fashion industry struggles to manipulate perhaps the last stronghold of purely rational, socially unaware people: the technically-minded. By trying to play on the reader's insecurity, they hope to drum up a desire to make the reader purchase relevant goods. This is the true cost of the passing of Slashdot to a larger commercial entity.
Bio questions? Ask me to start a Q&A journal. Computer analogies available for most topics!
I bust out my Prescott P4 (3.0 ghz, with HT), remove the heatsink, attach my cooking box to that, and then run a linux boot disk where I'm testing the CPU, usually Prime 95 for several hours until the turkey is done.
Oh ya.
honestly, i'm having chicken on thanksgiving, and using the oven like a person who wants to have something decent to eat. plus i sold that cpu, someone need it to heat up their 1 room school house.
Be seeing you...
I have it on good authority that it takes 15 minutes
With hot grits, obviously.
Attach high voltage, like 230 or 110 V to both ends of the turkey, wait until ready. At least sausages get cooked this way in five seconds or so, but I don't know how much longer a turkey would take.
some preprocessing:
- download latest linux kernel source
- make [x]config
then in parallel:
- make bzImage modules install
- drive to boston market and buy a cooked turkey
when you return from the long take-out line at the restaurant, the kernel build will probably be done.
then, in parallel:
- reboot to new kernel
- consume turkey and its various 'modules'
--
"It is now safe to switch off your computer."
Being an EE, I use a thermocouple to measure internal temperature. Done this for years, the meat comes out *perfect*.
I always use the Zuni method, which is to say, the method popularized by Judy Rodgers from the Zuni Cafe.
Essentially, you wash your bird and completely cover it with 1 tablespoon of salt per pound. It's best to use the best quality salt you can find; I use Celtic sea-salt that I grind myself.
Put your salt-covered bird in the fridge for a day or three and then roast it at 400-425F (depending on how crispy you like it). The salt takes all of the juices from the inside of the bird and redistributes it throughout the meat. This is essentially an old-fashioned salt-cure.
It results in the most heavenly, moist poultry. I've tried all the other methods, frying, bbq, smoked, basting, etc, and this is how we do poultry now, period.
It's best to do this a few days ahead of time with a turkey but chicken can cure in as little as 12 hours or so and be ready to cook.
Good luck!
Well, the *nerdiest* way to cook turkey is to wait in your mom's basement until it is done.
W..w..W - Willy Waterloo washes Warren Wiggins who is washing Waldo Woo.
In a proton beam at LHC
Ceviche
There are also geeky ways to prepare the whole thanksgiving dinner
Collector's Edition
Molecular gastronomy, digitally controlled immersion cooking, air-cannon impact tenderization...
Cooking is every bit as geeky as bits of circuitry.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
Ahh yes, nothing tastier than stalking and killing a turkey with your bare hands and teeth. Their fear is the best seasoning.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
Measure & record the inner volume (also known as the stuffing volume) of your particular turkey. Measure the distance between distance between the inner and outer turkey surfaces; if you don't have a caliper to measure this, guesstimate. Using a very fine needle or wire, poke holes into the turkey, being careful not to penetrate beyond the inner surface. Ideally, only a thin membrane would exist between the inner and outer surfaces. If holes are poked all the way through, don't worry about it but try not allow it. In a suitably sized pot, vertically position the turkey stuffing hole up. The turkey should remain fixed in this position. Add brine (using herbs and spices of choice) into the pot, being careful not to allow any brine into the turkey. Using a honey and jam mixture of your choice, dilute a stuffing volume's worth of distilling water to 28% w/w. Carefully place this solution inside the turkey.
At this point our setup is almost complete, but the next part merits explanation. We will use capillary electrophoresis to draw the honey & jam solution into the turkey.
Using cleaned insulated wires or electrodes, insert one terminal within the turkey (outer surface side) and the opposing terminal close to it (inner surface side). The number of electrodes used should be proportional to the length of the turkey, using three or more horizontally aligned terminals per five centimeters. The electrode voltage should be about 3 V, at a current of about 1000 mAh. Allow this current to run for 1-2 hours, stopping when a significant amount of the color has left the inner solution. This infuses the turkey with a brine, honey & jam mixture.
To cook the turkey, use standard Sous-vide (under vacuum) methods. This method avoids reactions of the infused sugars. For a nice golden coat, glaze turkey and roast for 2-3 minutes at high temperature.
So... some would rather eat their turkey ALIVE?!?
But... of course, you fat nasty hobbit... one doesn't eat grasses or roots, no precious, not till he's starving or very sick.
Questions raise, answers kill. Raise questions to stay alive.
1) Disassemble a few hundred bluray players.
2) Mount the lasers onto a grid.
3) Wire them as required.
4) Place the turkey in front of the grid.
5) Put on the goggles.
6) Power the lasers.
When the holes have been burned all the way through the bird, the meat surrounding each hole should be well cooked.
Do not cook near an airport.
If your sense of "geeky" is like mine, and you take it to mean really investing in rigorous curiosity about the process combined with a sciency hypothesis-trial approach to technique, then you can't get any better than Kenji Lopez-Alt's Food Lab over at Serious Eats.
Here's his comprehensive Thanksgiving Q & A from a few days ago.
at just the right angular velocity and distance from an Alcubierre-type warp drive decelerating from speeds greater than c, we can roast the Turkey in a properly modulated blackbody cavity that absorbs the gamma radiation and emits harmless infrared and microwaves cooking the turkey to perfection, warp-drive style.
Really, the way to do a feast is with a bunch of friends and/or family, not by yourself. So get together with some people, do something potluck-like (if you're doing turkey, that's obviously one person's job, but the rest of you can still make stuff, or help the person who's doing the main course.) Bring different things, have fun together.
Bill Stewart
New Fast-Compression-only CPR http://preview.tinyurl.com/dy575ks
Send it to Ankara :D
*Just joking, Turks :).
If your sense of "geeky" is like mine, and you take it to mean really investing in rigorous curiosity about the process combined with a sciency hypothesis-trial approach to technique, then you can't get any better than Kenji Lopez-Alt's Food Lab over at Serious Eats. Here's his comprehensive Thanksgiving Q & A from a few days ago. (Sorry if this post shows up twice; I think the first try was eaten by mbeta.slashdot.org)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Geek_show
Try one of these babies!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turducken
What's the most Christian way to prepare a turkey? Or the most furry?
Ok this was disturbing for soooo many reasons
Forget the "most" furry -- what's a furry way to prepare a turkey?
Also, was "furry" the most logical choice following "Christian" to you? :)
I am a little surprised that no one has mentioned the trashcan turkey. http://thetrashcanturkey.com/
It cooks much faster and stays moist. It browns up nicely too, and no basting required. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BlhTzEkzr2g
Temperature, pressure, humidity, all under exquisite control and all potentially extreme.
I like how you think. Here are a few more I'd like to see that fit in the same vain:
1. Turkey, fishing pole, CBR suit, shallow spent fuel rod pool.
2. Tesla coil turkey.
3. Termite stuffing.
4. Re-entry turkey.
5. Hot aisle turkey.
6. Pavo para Plantar Solar 10 (Turkey from PS10).
7. Diffused turkey wafers. (I wonder if you could layer some stuffing traces...)
8. Turkey diamonds (if you can make diamonds from peanut butter, then why not turkey?)
greed@All_Evils:~#
Nobody has ever used a Solar Oven before?
http://www.amazon.com/Sun-Oven-GLOBAL-SUN-OVEN/dp/B00286KQ1W
Might need 2 days to get it done.
www.effectiveelectrons.com "chips that work" Analog, RF, Mixed Signal
just go for more beacon stripes!
Got to use
http://whenwillmyturkeybedone.com/
to calculate when your turkey will be done. Its kinda fun!
That means trying various things to see what it can be improved...
The best I've found so far for me cooking a turkey is to immerse it in boiling oil.
(After the turkey is done, the oil can be poured over the ramparts.)
But even better is to have someone else cook the turkey.
I cut power to the A/C units in our server room before I left work today. It should be just warm enough to cook the turkey over night.
of Pentium 60s and Athlon Thunderbirds.
Then you use Apple maps to drive around aimlessly until it's cooked (choose any location, it should work).
Actually, I thought of "vegetarian" first, but that... has problems.
My point is: there isn't. And making one up is ultimately unhealthy.
Bio questions? Ask me to start a Q&A journal. Computer analogies available for most topics!
Baste with butter till its ready, and clean up promptly.
You're absolutely right. That's why many choose to do the humane thing and hunt them instead.
Only problem is the intelligence of the average turkey is greater than the intelligence of many of the hunters.
Any insufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from technology.
Cook it over a Rubins tube. Point the rubins tube at about 45 degrees over an empty area and place the turkey in its cooking area on a roticery. This way any drippings fall over the open area. I don't know of anyone that has tried this but it should work.
I was going to post the lyrics of the great "Multicolored Rainbow Roach Affair" also known as the "Spy Tingler" as a followup but given this is Slashdot and in memory of the time I spent telneted to Bob Riger's Netcom nntp server way back when... I thought that this would be more appropriate.
Also, think a kind thought or two for Jackie, Arlo's wife who recently passed away.
- With apologies to Arlo Guthrie, and with great thanks to previous
"Alice's Restaurant" filk authors Jon Kamens, Chris Stacy, Alan
Wechsler, Noel Chiappa, and Larry Allen, who provided the inspiration.
- No thanks or apologies to those who made the original decision which
prompted this piece, but heartfelt thanks to those around me who also
spoke out in opposition. This one's for you, gang.
-- Nil Illegitimo Carborundum, Sometime-in-1993
This song is called "Alice's NNTP Server" and it's about Alice, and
the NNTP server, but "Alice's NNTP Server" is not the name of the NNTP
server, it's the name of the song, and that's why I called this song
"Alice's NNTP Server".
You can get anything you want on Alice's NNTP.
You can get anything you want on Alice's NNTP.
Telnet over, it's a simple hack.
Port one-nineteen is where it's at.
and you can get anything you want on Alice's NNTP.
Now it all started two semesters ago, it's on two semesters ago when
my about-to-graduate friend and I went up to read some news at Alice's
server, 'cause the news didn't live on our server, it lived on Alice's
server, with lots of forged messages and newgroups and rmgroups, and
of course the news articles themselves.
Anyways, it was a nice system, and the University's network connection
was wide, and Alice had the bandwidth and the diskspace and they figured
they didn't have to worry about expiring their news articles for a long
time.
We got up there, found all the articles, and we figured it'd be a
friendly gesture for us to take the articles and distribute 'em around
to our other friends at the University that also didn't get a full feed,
'cause that's what Usenet was supposed to be all about in the first place,
right?
So we took about half a gig of diskspace and stuck it on a spare
workstation which we were gonna make into our own news server, and
we got ourselves educated on NNTP. We took spool directories, server
software, a compiler, an editor, and other implements of destruction and
headed on back to our new server. Well, we got there and there was a big
chain across the machine room door and a mail message in our mailbox saying
"Closed for end-of-semester". We'd never heard of a machine room that was
closed at the end of the semester before, and with tears in our eyes we
drove off into the sunset, looking to find another place to stash the news.
We didn't find one until we came to our own home machines, and off the /usr/spool partition, we noticed there were some old news /usr/spool.
side of the
articles. And we figured that one big pile of news is better than two
little piles, and rather than copy that one to the free disk, we decided
to just install our half-gig disk on the home machine and create a link
from the new partition to
That's what we did, and NNTP'ed back to Alice's, had an end-of-semester
newsfest that couldn't be beat, went to sleep and didn't get up until
next morning, when we got a phone call from the University Director of
Computer Security. Said "Kid, someone found your user-id on a post to
an unauthorized newsgroup, in the bottom of a subdirectory full of
messages from unauthorized sources, on a disk partition that wasn't there
the night before, on a hard drive that wasn'
I use 300 spare wifi routers with the SSID set to UU****UU. Jamb the antennas into the meat and associate with your fav scanner...
My mother is a (retired) computer science professor and my father is a (retired) mathematician. I'm pretty sure that they would get into the geeky cooking as much as I would.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYkRF_FmD40
William Shatner & State Farm® present "Eat, Fry, Love," a turkey fryer fire cautionary tale
When they came for the communists, I said "He's next door. Take him away. Goddam commies."
Vacuum seal the turkey in a form of plastic bag which can handle high levels of heat.
Heat water to 162C and submerge the turkey in water.
Test cooking progress after 2.5 hours by stabbing turkey with thermometer until meat is at the optimum 77C and 87C in the thigh.
I don't think you quite understand. They're not religious holidays. They are recognition of the passing of the seasons and the cycle of life. And yes, there may have been multiple deities involved so I suppose you could consider religious in some fashion. But not in the modern sense of Christianity. These holidays were already being celebrated before Christianity and those trying to show folks "the way" incorporated these celebrations to do so as the local population weren't going to give them up. Best to co-op them and basically Christians said: "this holiday means this" where "this" conveniently tied into the whole that was being preached.
Don't mean to offend anyone, Christians or not, but let's recognize that these holidays have been around for a long long time. Longer than Christianity. (Note, not talking about Thanksgiving, as that is not a "religious" holiday although the celebration of a good years harvest goes back many, many years.) This was directed at the comments concerning Christmas and Easter.
Good grief man..
First off the Canadian thanksgiving isn't tied to such genocide .. and for that matter neither is the American thanksgiving (it's supposed to be a harvest festival).
And why get hung up on the association of Christmas with religion. Are you that tied into your identity as an athiest that you can't just treat it as a "time off work and spend time with family" holiday like most people (including myself) do.
Really, aside from a nuclear reactor, there's still nothing better than using a microwave oven to cook your turkey.
The obvious thing was to immerse the turkey in liquid Oxygen, causing it to immediately ignite and thereby become heated. But there are better oxidizers. There's liquid Fluorine, liquid Ozone, and of course OCLF3.
Get a Weber Smokey Mountain BBQ Smoker or equivalent to smoke the turkey. That's not the geeky part.
Add an ATC (automatic temperature control). This will allow you to set it for precise, unattended low and slow cooking.
Better still, get one with wifi and an internet server like the Stoker Power Draft from rocksbarbque.com. (no affiliation, but I do own one).
You can check and adjust your meat and fire temperatures from inside your home on wifi or remotely via the internet on your smartphone or computer.
It can even email you, or serve twitter updates. Run it with dyndns.org, and give your buddies a simple URL to monitor your cook as well.
Then install Stokerlog to your system, so that you can graph meat and fire temperatures and share temperature graphs with your geeky buddies on the bbq forums.
Use a digital camera and take pictures of the smoke ring (smoke penetration) on a slice of meat. Share it on your favorite photo sharing site.
Lastly, get farkles like an instant read thermometer, (I like the Thermapen), and measure the precise temperature of the meat everywhere on the bird.
The satisfaction, apart from the eating, is taking a stone age process; barbeque; and bringing it into the internet age.
I don't know if you could get geekier than that...
Build an immersion circulator using Scott's schematic over at seattlefoodgeek.com. Cook under pressure for two-three hours at 160. Finish under a broiler until the skin browns.
I would use imported flying laser bears from Canada. Instant crispiness. MMMMM. It's like Santa, flying around, but tastier.
Just input your coordinates at:
http://www.flyinglaserbearsfromcanada.com/
and you are set...
On a side note, be sure to input the right coordinates, because the website uses meters and I input the coordinates in feet a couple of years ago and woooosh the neighbors cat was instant crispy. ...it didn't taste like a turkey.
Hey, if someone can get 2.5 watts to power a fondue, then why not cook a turkey? Build a turkey-sized low-voltage electric oven, insulate it with space-shuttle tiles, and fire it up.
Yeah yeah, I know, pre-heating and cooking could take awhile, but when it comes to the special moment when you bring out a USB-cooked turkey to your geek loved-ones, is that too great a price to pay? I think not, my friends, I think not.
ThinkGeek, hear my prayer...
If it weren't for deadlines, nothing would be late.
1) Defrost turkey (or buy fresh - quality is important you know) - search internet for Star Wars inspired turkey recipies but get grossed out after reading how to skin the wool off a wookie.
2) Empty the fish tank
3) Sterilize the fish tank
4) If tank was recently a habitat, repeat step 3.
5) Rub turkey with paprika and sea salt - perhaps black pepper if that's your thing; then place inside the aquarium
6) Melt 20 Lbs of butter into the fish tank.
7) Wrap tank in ice packs until butter is solid - Get drunk while butter cools. (If feeling extra geeky, go install ubuntu on a rooted tablet while drinking yoo-hoos and twinkies - yes, drinking twinkies - eating implies chewing)
8) Drop the entire cube straight in to an empty deep fryer.
9) Plan A: Enjoy - Plan B: Call Fire Department, Find Burn Cream
...call it a turkey pizza.
you're welcome
it is basically science-lab-meets-kitchen. There was a show on tv called Marcel's Quantum Kitchen and he did all kinds of cool stuff with chicken and steak. I'm sure you could vacuum out all the juices and replace them with some sort of marinade
Step 1: Locate a suitably available Tesla EV, and geotag it.
Step 2: Prepare your turkey by wrapping it in a suitably heat-conductive coating, such as aluminum foil.
Step 3: Duct tape your prepared turkey package to the Tesla's battery bank.
Step 4: Follow Tesla owner to Thanksgiving destination.
Step 5: Remove cooked turkey from Tesla.
Step 6: Enjoy!
Tesla coiled turkey. TCT.
Just use a fire built of your current hardware / software enemy - iWhatevers, M$Sgoofs, or any *nix platform. Hope for an unpleasant after taste.
How about with an arduino controlled smoker made by myself. Also using an XBee network and home made software running on JBoss/JSF/Primefaces and running on CentOS? So almost a complete open source turkey. I have a version of the software for my phone as well Here's a post I wrote on it last year: http://pelletheads.com/index.php?topic=12125.0 Jim
take some sharp skewer like devices. Thin knitting needles with their tips sharpened with a dremel are perfect.
Mount about twenty onto a block.
Pound said block into turkey until sufficiently penetrating meat. Repeat twenty or thirty times.
Make a black metal box slightly bigger then the turkey.
Point a bunch of heat lamps at the box. Let get hot.
Insert the end of a tube attached to a vacuun cleaner up the turkey's -- well you know.
Put turkey in box ( make sure yopu have a properly gtrommeted hole for the tube.
Turn on the vacuum and let the hot air heat the turkey on both inside and out.
Fine cable wrapped several times around turkey.
YoYo Champion
Active volcano.
When our name is on the back of your car, we're behind you all the way!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sab2Ltm1WcM
Nerds have families, and eat too... have fun in your parents basement.
Tomorrow is another day...
First you get a beowulf cluster of turkeys.
Then you place a naked and petrified Natalie Portman above the turkeys, and you pour hot grits all over her, letting the grits fall on the turkeys, slow cooking them with their transferred heat.
If you find the turkey's aren't cooking fast enough, you add the sonic energy from screaming, "OMG ponies!" to the process, hopefully speeding it up an uncountable number of femtoseconds.
When Netcraft confirms that all other forms of turkey cooking are dying, you dispense the entire Beowulf cluster of turkeys into a series of (feeding) tubes.
Before eating, you praise technology by reading the latest F*cking Article on Slashdot, and ban any insensitive clods to the neighbors.
Then you eat the turkeys before they can move to Soviet Russia and eat you.
Reeses
As a student that worked in microbiology and now a grad student in mycology I just use the local autoclave in the Bio building.
What happened to /. people will ask stupid things like they do in the forums, /. admins should not approve cooking posts. Someone will ask 'the geeky way to fuck' and you will publish the post?
http://askaralikhan.blogspot.com/
I'm going to operate on the assumption that furries can also be into cold blooded animals. If I'm wrong, please, let me live in ignorance.
That said: the "turkey" is actually a person in a feather costume, and the preparation involves the cutting of strategic holes and generous application of lubricant.
Simple, you just overclock the crap out of it and it cooks itself!
Methinks, perhaps, the best method for you to prepare a turkey would be with a tinfoil hat on.
Use dielectric cooking - that's the true geek way.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker would destroy civilization.
I slap it into my handy AMAT centura, and turn up the RF !!
the serial killer geeks. Don't they get to give thanks?
You have to figure out a way to keep it frozen although for maximum impact.
http://www.snopes.com/science/cannon.asp
Everything I write is lies, read between the lines.
Wait...why is parent insightful? All he did was post the default response to anyone who says "maybe you shouldn't always eat as much meat as you possibly can."
What's the most Christian way to prepare a turkey?
Remove the internal sins, served with a side of your saviors body and blood.
Or the most furry?
Lingerie ?
Perhaps the most patriotic?
Stuffed with fireworks!
has anyone explored the use of using USB cables? ...
Connect one cable to the normal USB port on the laptop, and pushing the other end into the turkey to be cooked?
ok ok yeah sure this may only cook the ever so smallest section of turkey and barely it make it edible much less safe
now would this method work slightly better is one had an USB hub? more ports = more cable = more power...
In my humble opinion, being a geek just means having fun making things. I'm certainly a geek. I'm also Canadian, so when I cooked the thanksgiving turkey for my family it was the first weekend in October.
I cooked it on my Slow Cooking BBQ. I have a Big Steel Keg, insulated wood powered bbq, which I am admittedly still learning the basics of.
I covered my Turkey in Bacon, because really, what doesn't taste better when covered in bacon? I made the stuffing from scratch. Home made bread, which I'd let dry out on the counter for a week ahead of time, plus some onions and mushrooms, and sage and summer savoury.
I cooked the 21lb bird (in a tray to catch the juices) for 5 hours at 350 f. for the last two hours, I introduced mesquite wood chips to give off some pretty cook smoke flavour, but I'm not sure it was worth it.
Turkey was incredible, I plan on doing it again for Xmas.
BRINED TURKEY!
1) Of the traditional cooking methods, I feel that this one involves enough chemistry and physics to be considered deeply geeky, but also holds the greatest flavor potential (deep-friers may disagree). THAT was in order to fulfill the post requirements here, hopefully I don't get modded to hell... now HERE is the reason I am actually posting... let's call it a grudge. A food grudge. A turkey food grudge...
2) Rant:
When you read this, you know who you are. You were wrong, it's delicious and POPULAR. There was brined turkey all over the place FOR SALE at trader joe's last week. AND NOW THEY'RE GONE BECAUSE PEOPLE BOUGHT THEM! I rest my case, brined turkey is both legitimate and legitimately delicious. Don't like it? I'll just have your portion, thank you.
For all those of you who are not in the know on this one, some geeks are very full of themselves and think they know a lot more than they do. It leads to their being Elitist Hipster Assholes, and while I'm sure you know this it seems only right to make it a sort of PSA. Give thanks that these people aren't YOUR friends. I do.
-
I would say the geekiest way would be with a proper death ray such as the one over at http://unitednuclear.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=27_82&products_id=534 or even a solar powered version using a fresnel lens from an old projection TV.
Hey those turkeys should be happy they have a life.
It's called survival of the tastiest.
Man it was right within your reach and you blew it.
Just reanimate your mom!
After your done, turn down the equipment a bit and she can use it to cook the turkey.
Just make sure that you turn it down enough or yoyu will hear her scream "It's Alive. Alive!"
How will they make things if their glasses are being used to cook turkey?
Every time I start to have faith in humanity, I ruin it by driving to work between 7 and 8 am.
Spatchcock it, obv.
http://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2009/11/how-to-spatchcock-a-turkey-thanksgiving-butterflying-roasting-recipe.html
I'm pretty sure I do not want to eat a turkey cooked with a Fleshlite..
Achille Talon
Hop!
Have mom do it.
We have very simple ways to create heat, and using anything else, (except maybe a thermal vent), is just Rube-Goldberging heating. The Sun's heat is already present, it's just harder to harness then traditional sources.
VIHart Has a good suggestion http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjrI91J6jOw
There's more to Christmas than Santa Claus
The Mythbusters did an entire thanksgiving using a car engine as their heat source:
http://youtu.be/tqABijWMlxA
Your comment made me think of using a 3D printer to print your turkey. Hell, it seems like you can print just about anything with them now-a-days.
...without burning your trailer down. Deep frying is a great method for cooking a turkey, provided you follow a few simple safety steps:
1. Get an education, apply yourself to something you can do and can tolerate doing, and get a good job.
2. Buy a house with a decently-sized lot. Alternatively, buy a nice, big lot and build on it.
3. Place fryer outdoors (not a in garage or shed or under a carport, it will work in precipitation), at least 50 feet from any structure, and preferably any over-hanging trees.
4. Make sure your turkey is completely unfrozen (thawed if you don't buy fresh/ dethawed if you are a hillbilly)
5. Turn the freaking flame off for a second while you drop the turkey in the damn fryer to begin with.
Steps 1-2 are optional but recommended, and step 3 is common sense that will likely prevent death under most any unfortunate occurrence. Step 4 is required if you want to eat turkey in a reasonable amount of time rather than clean up a mess and be forced to throw the turkey in the oven behind schedule. Step 5 is another failsafe that should prevent death and destruction should you screw up any other step.
This is a hacked account, for which the owner can not be held responsible.
We autoclaved one in the lab once and then used the drying cycle to brown it. Wasn't bad, but basting was impossible without some serious danger of burns... No risk of samonella !
Gather ten of your friends
How, they live all over the world? Also, I've never met any of them in real life.
remove all of your glasses, concentrate the rays of the sun, creating a spectacle oven. Voila.
They're all myopic, so their lenses actually DEfocus light
It is much more difficult to eat a live one.
Prepare a turkey as usual except cut into smaller pieces ~1/4 inches thick. Proceed to place on your solar oven that uses parabolic surfaces to collect and intensify the solar rays. This will cause the turkey to cook at oven temperatures. The preparation of precutting the turkey is to allow cooking of the meat in a reasonable amount of time.
For optimal cooking conditions, clear skies are best. Looking at your local sunrise and sunset, and geographic location. One can determine mathematically the start and stop time based upon solar angle, giving the total possible cooking time. Based on this and time for 1/4" thick of meat to reach satisfactory temperature. one could then further calculate the amount of meat possible to cook at your geographic location. This works best with higher sun angles.
Bonus : Design your own oven!
Further information can be found using a web search for "solar oven"
Instant turkey. Who has 6 hours to wait around anyway?
Cook turkey-tv-diner in microwave.
eat alone.
bickerdyke
I do remember a youtube video with a thermite stuffed turkey though...
Well, the *nerdiest* way to cook turkey is to wait in your mom's basement until it is done.
As the answer has now been found, we can close the discussion and move on to the buffet. Cheers!
YES! Have you tasted a dead turkey?
It sure beats a live one.
and far less messy
A Cooking For Engineers featured article, Beer Can Turkey:
http://www.cookingforengineers.com/recipe/144/Smoked-Beer-Can-Turkey
Good ol' M-x cook-turkey
1) Go to the back yard or other open place. You will need lots of space;
2) Place the turkey on an aluminum disk, on top of a table;
3) Make sure you have nothing living in a radius of 300m around the turkey;
4) Shoot the high precision, low orbit ion cannon selecting the turkey as target, use the turkey "ready" indicator (usually red) to assist aim. Remember to adjust the intensity to "cook", avoid the factory standard "disintegrate";
Religion: The greatest weapon of mass destruction of all time
Turducken recipe. With a song like this, who wouldn't want to cook one!
"Every man has a right to his own opinion, but no man has a right to be wrong in his facts." - Bernard Baruch
For pretty much all fowl, the tastiest way I've had them is on a spit in front of a wood fire.
I stuff our turkey full of spice-covered peeled oranges & stick the spit through them, which keeps it juicy as the oranges ooze juice as they cook. I got my rotisserie motor off Amazon for fifteen bucks & it runs on two D batteries so it works anywhere.
Get the fire nice & hot and keep it that way. Put a drip tray under the bird and use a siphon to pump the juice back onto the bird every 20 minutes or so. Get the bird as close as you can to the fire without burning it. A 6-7 kilo turkey takes about four hours, so make sure you don't run out of wood.
Note that this is basically a horizontal riff on beer can chicken.
If you are not tying the drumsticks together with electron-dampened cooper-molybdenum oxygen-free cables, then your turkey will never be as "warm and resonant" as mine. I'm happy to sell you my spare cable if you need....
Sig Registration Form 34c_766(a) submitted to Ministry of Signature Management. Approval pending.
Have to keep the mind control chemicals in plane contrails out somehow.
Finally had enough. Come see us over at https://soylentnews.org/
Nerdiest for me would be the most-obsessive foodie way: maximize guest-enjoyment-potential.
This Currying leads to all sorts of weird...
Ankara won't be happy if you do that.
Recipes for USA bankrupt - http://tinypaste.com/0d66f dd = dollar deluge (printed in the infinity)
Put the turkey on a dielectric substrate (a ceramic dish). Insert electrodes 5-10 cm apart, connect them to a high amperage 110V-220V power supply. Repeat until all turkey parts had been properly electrocuted.
Seriously. Modern ovens are the epitome of tens of thousands of years of cooking. And quite hightech too. Doesn't get any geekier than that. Frying with an induction pan maybe, but you asked about turkey and that goes into the oven.
Glad I could help.
We suffer more in our imagination than in reality. - Seneca
I pick my dinner up at 1 PM. $19 a person and I get to spend the rest of the day doing interesting stuff.
and, before you whine, I am already a turkey / thanksgiving dinner cooking expert. I am not interested this year because I only have one other person (and a cat) to feed. Been there, done that, conquered it. Doing something else with my time this year.
I thought turkeys could fly..........
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lf3mgmEdfwg
Preheat oven to 350F.
Stuff cavity with butter and popcorn.
When bird flies out of oven, then it is done.
On the grill, with a 1/2 full beer can stuck up his ass. Just like beer can chicken, but you have to use a larger beer can.
Olive oil on the skin, various spices inside and out, a few pats of butter under the skin. 1/2 full can of Fosters (or other larger beer can). Indirect heat for a few hours. Baste and inject regularly.
This chef replaced the bones of the turkey with piping drilled with holes, then used the piping to send temperature-controlled fat through the whole bird, recycling the fat. Thoroughly geeky cooking:
http://www.cookingissues.com/2009/11/25/turkey-time-part-3-how-to-cook-it/
The full-set of posts:
http://www.cookingissues.com/category/turkey/
Lemme guess, plutonium stuffing?
I know how a nuclear primary works, but I never got that the secret insensitive high explosive was a turkey.
Ezekiel 23:20
I use one of these:
http://tvwbb.com/forumdisplay.php?85-LinkMeter-v2-Homebrew-BBQ-Controller
Oxidization without heat.
At first.
In a fryer with a silver mesh in a side aperture.
These turkeys would FLY
fer sure
gooble gooble
<blink>down the rabbit hole</blink>
Simply put, do it Mythbusters/Alton Brown style. Their recent episode of Mythbusters did a full dinner that was cooked by the car's engine.
--
# Canmephians for a better Linux Kernel
$Stalag99{"URL"}="http://stalag99.net";
Best way I ever saw a turkey cooked was on an aircraft carrier. Our radar guys opened the nose of one of our F4 Phantoms, set the turkey inside, closed it, powered up,the aircraft and turned on the continuous wave missile guidance radar. Did not take long for the turkey!
I'm surprised no one has mentioned this oldie but goodie from university research labs in 1987: Cooking with Potential Energy: http://www.ohio.edu/mechanical/thermo/Intro/Chapt.1_6/energy/CookingPE.pdf.
Someone else did the math to try to figure out how high you would have to drop a turkey so it would be cooked by the time it got to the ground: http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2010/12/cooking-a-turkey-by-dropping-it/ (answer: between 72Km and 142Km).
Technically, he doesn't know.
(-1: Post disagrees with my already-settled worldview) is not a valid mod option.
Christmas was deliberately placed here to assume festivities from other religions' holidays, already here, as part of its memetic growth. Those religions, in turn, were all glomming onto the winter solstice.
However, even within the Christian mileau, it isn't supposed to be Jesus' birthday. They chose it as Jesus' birth anniversary, an arbitrary day to celebrate when an actual birthdate is not known.
In "roleplay" terms, in other words, it's not even the actual birthday.
(-1: Post disagrees with my already-settled worldview) is not a valid mod option.
Some jokes are so full of awesome it's too bad funny is limited to +5.
(-1: Post disagrees with my already-settled worldview) is not a valid mod option.
Are you saying you missed Vi Hart's instructions for Thanksgiving Turduckenen-duckenen?
So your country celebrates a religious holiday, but in no way recognizes it's for religious purposes and no one gets upset? Where do you live, because what you said makes no sense.
I am from Italy, and that's not news here. Remember, Christmas was placed next to the winter solstice because, from time immemorial, humanity in the northern reaches has celebrated a kind of potlatch to salute the arrival of the new season. For the Christian clergy in Roman times, it was dated to supercede Saturnalia , but any search on google may throw up the odd solstice festivity much earlier. As in all things, Geography beats History, 1 - nil.
"If a boss demands loyalty, give him integrity. But if he demands integrity, give him loyalty." (John Boyd, 1927-1997)
Turkeys are fearless killing machines.
I'm pretty sure one generally decapitates the bird before cooking it, but alright. :)
Bio questions? Ask me to start a Q&A journal. Computer analogies available for most topics!
I was a little surprised to see on my turkey instructions for a microwave option. Which got me thinking, what about placing turkey in between two wireless microwave transmissions towers?
1) Discover that the turkey that was supposed to be cooked at home by one of us is still raw upon arriving at the cabin. Remember, if it's frozen, this needs to happen a day or two before the turkey dinner! In hour case, that was the key to success.
2) On the morning of the dinner, stuff the sauna oven full of wood. Apply match, and heat.
3) Repeat 2 until you are beyond the useful range of the thermometer - for example 150 deg C/300 deg F (testet values)
4) To keep turkey from getting dry, apply water as normally. Dress in tin-foil (no idea if it helps...but it didn't hurt!)
5) Cover every bit of your skin. Take a deep breath, enter the sauna with the turkey, put it on the topmost seat of the sauna. Remember - breathing too deaply can burn your lungs!
6) About every halp hour, again cover every bit of your skin, enter your large oven (eh, the sauna), unwrap tin-foil, add water, wrap again in tin-foil. Warning: Spilling water on the sauna oven will create dangerous water vapour that could again burn your lungs!
6) Refill wood whenever the thermometer drops towards the useful range again.
7) Wait an appropriate amount of time. Example: 8-9 hours with a 9 kg/20 lb turkey.
8) Bon appetit!
Launch it into the sky near Tel Aviv..
Have you fscked your local propeller head today?
I don't know if it is geeky, but here are some turkey cooking tips from a geek.
And not the oven.
Sit the turkey on the focal point of a parabolic dish attenna, and roast it until done. make sure to use a crisping sleeve.
best results - generate a 1.56 ghz sine way through the dish.
My son pointed out that the geekiest way would be to trick your Professor into stealing your high-energy laser experiment and sell it to the government. Then you sneak on the military base and reprogram the targeting computer to fire at the Professor's house where you have, conveniently, placed your giant turkey.
We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion.
Heh... Low pikers, all of you...
LOX and a pit barbeque setup...
The most "furry" way to stuff a turkey is certainly unnatural, but i don't think you were meaning it that way.
who prays for Satan? Who in 18 centuries has had the humanity to pray for the 1 sinner that needed it most? ~Mark Twain
Geekiest way? Ask everyone on Slashdot how to cook it. Take their advice.
Perhaps the most patriotic?
This one is easy. Drink madeira for your dinner wine, like G. Washington and all the other original patriots did.
Apparently, madeira didn't require paying a duty to the British government, back then, unlike most other wines.
Alternately, drink hard apple cider (assuming that your digestion isn't sensitive to it, as mine is -- damn, I miss it, around now), since the apples are almost always grown locally.
Most all holidays are just that. Excuses to get family and friends together and enjoy each other's company. Religion more or less co-opted the experience and put some meaning to it in order to symbolize the religion was with them also. They add this and that and whatever in order to reinforce their own messages.
A turkey stuffed with Twinkies. Because, when Hostess is liquidated, only nerds will have Twinkies.
Put it in the center of a running Tesla coil display and let the free-flying electricity cook it.
Note: edibility is not guaranteed.
Ahh yes, nothing tastier than stalking and killing a turkey with your bare hands and teeth. Their fear is the best seasoning.
Weapons are perfectly fair for humans. To quote Larry Niven, "My evolution included a club." To be fair, using a black power rifle isn't overkill, either.
That would take years to cook. But Elon could help you create some orbital turkey cooking lasers which would be pretty geeky...kinda like Real Genius, only with a turkey instead of popcorn.
The G
...and she can yell to you in the basement when dinner's ready, as usual. :-)
nor are we ******** enough to eat something as tasteless as turkey :)
still need to decide whether it'll be goose or duck+pork this year; guess it'll come down to what can be had at the stores around dec 23rd.
Take the piped heat from a server farm, and slow cook a brined turkey in a calculated balance of herbs and sauce by weight.
haven't ever done this but is it possible to cook a turkey with a tropo-scatter communication antenna? they can operate in the 2.4ghz range and can put out over a kilowatt of power when operating, This is just like a microwave that you have in your kitchen. a Sargent that i served with stated that they did this one year while stationed in Korea. but it more possible that he was bullshitting. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/AN/TRC-97. allsways thought that this would have been cool to do.
Now I find it too painfully boring to actually know what I'm talking about, but...
1. Mine ores
2. Build oven from ores
3. build power plant for oven
4. build weapon
5. find turkey
6. kill turkey
7. gut and de-feather turkey
8. fire up the oven
And thats if you don't want any fixin'z with your digital cube turkey.
Nothing will benefit human health and increase chances for survival of life on Earth as much as the evolution to a vegetarian diet. --Albert Einstein.
Yes, the other imaginary friends in the sky, namely god, jesus, and whatever other character the catholic church has come up with lately.
WTF am I doing replying to an AC at 5 A.M on a Friday night?
It's our duty as rational humans to help rid the world of the karma of religion. Accepting things such as christmas, public praying, etc. legitimizes religion.
Also, I'm not particularly found of time off work. I love what I do, and weekends and vacation time when possible are more than enough.
WTF am I doing replying to an AC at 5 A.M on a Friday night?
Sure, the solstice has been celebrated for far long that christmas, but regardless of that, everybody now knows it as christmas, a christian holiday.
If you don't firmly oppose it, then you are helping the religious assholes legitimize their mass delusion, and that is bad for everyone.
WTF am I doing replying to an AC at 5 A.M on a Friday night?
I can (and do) throw a party whenever the fuck I want, without endorsing mass delusion.
WTF am I doing replying to an AC at 5 A.M on a Friday night?
I have not heard that song in decades and now I am old enough to get it.
Brilliant.
Thank you.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Thaw. Chop meat into 1" cubes. Make slurry w/ 2 parts cornstarch & 1 part flour & 1/64th part baking powder, 1/128th part salt, and slowly add equal parts soy sauce and cold water stirring until smooth when not in motion, but solid when stirred quickly (you'll have to stir slowly, it's a non-Newtonian liquid at this point). Place a colander in a large bowl, pour in slurry, add turkey cubes -- There should be enough to just cover the meat. Lift the colander and drain excess batter. In a large bag of flour, add the battered turkey cubes (careful not to allow clumping) and shake. Drop battered turkey cubes into pre-heated (turkey) deep-fryer, cook until caramelized (golden brown)
The rice and sauce are left as an exercise to the reader. (seriously, use Google, and some use eggs instead of water for batter). Also, be careful with open flame and flour -- Before serving, remove oil from burner then toss a hand full of flower into the air above the open flame to create a most impressive fuel-air bomb.
I can (and do) throw a party whenever the fuck I want, without endorsing mass delusion.
It's not really what most people call a "party" when it's just you, a tube of lube, and a web-cam.
If you want news from today, you have to come back tomorrow.
using a black power rifle isn't overkill
Was Malcolm X a big turkey hunter or something?
Thats only partly correct. 'Thanksgiving' _is_ an old religious (archaic) holliday. But it was celebrated around end of september start of october. And it still is celebrated like that in the germanic/nordic parts of europe. No idea about the celtic/romanic parts though. And yes, it is converted into a lame christian holliday by now.
Cost free eBook I read (by iBook/Kobo/Amazon/ObookO/Gutenberg etc.): "The Green Odyssey" by Philip Jose Farmer.
I acknowledged that it was celebrated, and I'm sure in some cultures sacrifices were made to some deity/deities either to thank them for a good harvest or appease them so that it would be better the following year. Religious in the same way as the other aforementioned holidays so I don't think we disagree there.
However, and this I am truly curious about, the reason for my post is for my own edification, in what way has Thanksgiving become a "lame christian holiday"?
I know that some thank God for the blessings they have received but that doesn't make it a religious holiday. Many thank God each time they eat....
Christmas, you'd better be at church, Easter, the same. I don't think you have to do much except eat at Thanksgiving :) Seriously though, I'd really be interested to know why you think it's been usurped as the other holidays have.....
Or this particular athlon 251.6F and still running.
I have two words for you...liquid nitrogen
1. A variable frequency microwave oven. These single frequency units that everybody has are just to slow. Just let it repeat a 10 second sweep from 2.3 GHz to 2.5 GHz. Dunno how long it would take. ...
2.Measure temperature with a IR camera shifted a bit in the 4th spatial dimension do you can look inside the whole thing. Use a normal microwave oven to heat the bulk, use a 4th spatial dimension shifted focused microwave to heat the coldest parts a bit extra so it cooks evenly.
2. Cook in cold fusion reactor.
3. Travel back in time to the optimal moment after the big bang, hold turkey outside TARDIS.
4. Debone turkey, run minced turkey through meat mincer, run turkey through 3d printer with laser add on to cook the minced turkey at the moment it hits the product. Print a model of Nataly Portman covered in hot grits.
5. order online
6. Genetically engineer dragon (w. fire breath) to roast it.
7. make -f turkey.h --delicious
8. Fry enough bacon to release enough fat to be able to fry the turkey in pure bacon fat.
9. Build robot to cook turkey for you.
10.
11. Profit!
Well, I might have a way, but it only works on a semi spherical planet in a vacuum.
This method may involve the most work and get the best result: Laid Back Turkey. It was first popularized by Julia Child. You remove the entire carcass except certain bones, broil the exposed, livid flesh for a while, then lay the whole thing broiled side down on a huge pile of stuffing, then bake it. Further instructions here: http://scienceblogs.com/gregladen/2012/11/18/how-to-cook-a-turkey-2/
http://www.tvvn.org/forum/entry.php/2780-N%C6%B0%E1%BB%9Bng-g%C3%A0-T%C3%A2y-b%E1%BA%B1ng-%C4%91%C3%A8n-pin
Of course. I'm sure Leonard Hoffstadter has one in his lab. If you can get him to stop yacking about the spherical chickens in a vacuum.
Sadly, a Libertarian cannot force his views on another, and freedom cannot spread as does the cancer known as religion.
"Nothing will benefit human health and increase the chances for survival of life on earth as much as the evolution to a vegetarian diet." -- Albert Einstein
program a robotic fire projector to paint cook streams...
Induction Coil
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=goWuvXz1qC4