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Original episode from 94

http://bofh.ntk.net/BOFH/0000/...

All I want to say to any would-be hacker that wants to know what's going on in, on, or around my computer is: sniff my dump.

The relevant excerpt:

"Simon," the Boss begins, "we have a formal complaint about you from one of the new system programmers. He claims that you are being unnecessarily offensive to him."

"I'm afraid I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about."

"He claims that you told him to do something with your faeces."

"I beg your pardon?" I reply, shocked. "There must be some mistake. The last time I spoke to him I told him that I had a system crash core that I'd like him to examine. I cannot possibly be held responsible for the strange way in which he interpreted that."

"You were leaving the toilet at the time."

"Purely coincidental. I simply mentioned it when the opportunity arose."

"Mentioned? It was more of a shout wasn't it? I believe I heard it myself from in here."

"I concede that it may have been slightly more than a whisper, but that was only because of the deference that I feel for his wealth of professional knowledge..." (Well, it was worth a shot).

"The words 'sniff my dump' do not engender in MY mind a feeling of professional respect."

By the way here is a screenshot of Netscape Navigator 3.04 still running fine on the computer, but barely crawling around on the Internet in 2014. http://imgur.com/i9WtAK2

PS. By luck I happened to capture Winamp at 108 and 42.

108 = 1^1 * 2^2 * 3^3 and it's a magical number used as the number of beans on a Buddhist rosary for Om Mane Padme Hum. That beats the Catholic rosary of 5*10 Hail Mary's + 5 * Our Father's + 4 * Intro ~ 60 Items.

And for 42 (101010 in binary) see http://www.independent.co.uk/l... I first learned about it in a linux MOTD. See customizing MOTD's with BOFH excuses, such as shown at http://www.linux.com/learn/tut... and http://bofh.ntk.net/BOFH/ .

PS.PS. I wish XP had a similar option, that instead of a graphical logon, you could log in to pure DOS, like in the Win95 days, and type Win to get into the GUI, but when you exit to console, it would remove the GUI processing overhead and leave you with something very minimum and text like, that would work well for things like a cashier machine. But that's what linux is for. Or used to be until they got it too complicated. In any case, I still can't find a selection of speedy and user friendly apps for linux (or even newer versions of Windows) comparable to what's available for XP. Security is an issue, but with Zonalarm killing everything including ctfmon and whatnot. it's halfway manageable. It's still a busy process with frequent XP reinstalls for any Internet connected devices. If you can afford not to connect something to the Internet, like a workstation made to create music or CAD or read offline pdf files off a portable disk, you don't have to constantly reinstall. But that's what my reinstall computer looks like, and I can't really replace it with anything Linux has to offer for now, on the app and feature part. I mean Konqueror 3.5.10 had features better than Windows Explorer. but it plain sucks in copy speed, and qt4 and 5 based stuff is even worse, and it has weird features I don't like. And I got Super Flexible File Synchronizer for the deficiencies that Windows Explorer or Windows Backup lacks for backing up the data like an emusic mp3 or downloaded ebook pdf to a portable disk, right before a wipe and reinstall. Now wait til Microsoft buys Super Flexible, and messes it up too. But they do have. or used to have some really good software. Like I'd put MS Office 97 with sp1+sp2 on this computer if I did not constantly wipe and reinstall it. as Office Excel is better than the Works Spreadsheet that does not allow you to bang up some VBA macros to massage your data. But I find that I don't need macros most of the time, so it's not worth the bother.

I would do it up A Clockwork Orange style.

The original BOFH stories are a good guide: http://bofh.ntk.net/BOFH/

I totally agree. What kind of an idiot gives their passowrd to an administrator?

Victims of the BOFH

How am I celebrating National SysAdmin Day?

By re-reading stories from the Bastard Operator From Hell, of course.

Whether I do this so I may follow in his footsteps or to protect myself from his antics, I'll leave unsaid.

Ok, so who wants to print the "This is a bit, this is a byte" slides, and send them to the judge, so he can find the error of his ways?

Are you quoting this?

The classic BOFH articles are at Simon's page. The stuff at The Register is mainly newer and weaker material, watered down for PFY like yourself. Jesus, the assaults on my lawn just will not stop.

We'll never virtualize our BOFH.

Indeed. I feel like I am watching a BOFH episode play out in real life.

Everything can be allocated behind the great white elephant of national security.

C'mon ... at least cite the original material. From BOFH #6:

It's friday, so I get into work early, before lunch even. The phone rings. Shit!

I turn the page on the excuse sheet. "SOLAR FLARES" stares out at me. I'd better read up on that. Two minutes later I'm ready to answer the phone.

"Hello?" I say.

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOU ALL MORNING?!"

I hate it when they shout at me early in the morning. It always puts me in a bad mood. You know what I mean.

"Ah, yes. Well, there's been some solar activity this morning, it always disrupts electronics..." I say, sweet as a sugar pie.

"Huh? But I could get through to my friends?!"

"Yes, that's entirely possible, solar activity is very unpredictable in it's effects. Why last week, we had some files just dissappear from a guys account while he was working on it!"

"Really?"

"Straight Up! Hey, do you want me to check your account?"

"Yes please, I've got some important stuff in there!"

"Ok, what's your username..."

He tells me. Honestly, it's like shooting a fish in a barrel. Twice. With an Elephant Gun. At point blank range. In the head.

(Do I really need to tell you the clicky clicky bit?.. I think not)

"How many files are in your account?" I ask

"Um, well there should be about 20 in my thesis writeup, 10 or so with the data for it, and another 20 or so in a book that I'm writing"

"Hmmm. Well, I think we caught it just in time. You've still got 2 files left... .cshrc and .login"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhh!"

He sobs into the receiver a bit - it really turns my stomach.

Now, in my case, as I work at the Solar Data Analysis Center, and most of the folks I work with have phds in solar physics, astronomy or similar, the excuse just doesn't work. (and my boss reads BOFH)

Oh shit, I thought it said the BofH was hacked!

Whew! Thankfully, though, that's not the case:

http://bofh.ntk.net/BOFH/

No, Microsoft and Apple are assholes. Unix sysadmins are bastards.

Source

I would do both the cake and the lunch for this guy. And then change your password just to be safe. http://bofh.ntk.net/BOFH/

Here is an archive: http://bofh.ntk.net/BOFH/index.php

Sounds like Simon didn't like him.

like this classic example

http://www.ntk.net/2001/07/06/dohburn.gif

You made the right choice. What can you expect? Fun And Games, Every Day.

This is a serious regression in /. community: nobody yet quoted BOFH...

I thought our sysadmin homepage was http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard.html, this is what im reading all day long every sysadmin day, gives me hope for the next year.

See http://bofh.ntk.net/StackMode.html

Glad you asked. Managers, like a lot of people, are Stack Brained - only more so. People, when confronted by a term they do not understand in conversation, PUSH the term onto their stack to ask about later. Too many terms and their Stack has a minor error and randomly throws away the new term and/or one or more of the Stack contents.
Managers on the other hand have a poor stack implementation and a low number of items, which means technical conversations usually lose them quite early on.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Stack Overflow results in data Corruption E.g:

Tecchy: "There seems to be a problem with the handshaking protocol of the modembank"
Manager: Uh-huh

Manager's Stack:
Handshaking Protocol?
Nothing
Nothing

Tecchy: "Meantime we'll also need to look at Distributed Filesystems to provide Locational Obfuscation"
Manager: Uh-huh Uh-huh

Manager's Stack:
Locational Obfuscation?
Distributed Filesystem?
Handshaking Protocol?

Notice: (a) the words "Uh-huh" are used to signal a successful stack operation, and (b) The Manager's stack is now full. We're in the danger zone. All it takes now is one unknown to enter the conversation, and it's all over...

Tecchy: "Your wife bears a striking resemblance to a member of the Babboonus Uglius Genus"
Manager:

Manager's Stack:
***OVERFLOW***

***OVERFLOW***
***OVERFLOW***

Notice how the successful stack operation signal was not generated. Notice the Stack Contents. This is a temporary stack, which is replaced almost instantaneously (in Manager Brain time scales - 1 or 2 seconds to you or me) with:

Manager's Stack:
Babboon Filesystems
Is it lunchtime yet?
Locational Handshaking

Here concludes the lesson on Stack Based Managers. You now know the risks.

Special Note: Sometimes, in a particularly nasty overflow, the corruption will extend to the Run-Queue and the Manager's Brain will execute the Instruction BTE - that is, Branch To Elsewhere
Extra Special Note: There is a known bug in the BTE Instruction in the Manager Chipset, in that it doesn't take an address parameter. Noone knows where it goes, but whereever it is, it stays there. The Manager will most likely have to be rebooted by kicking the "SEAT UP/DOWN" lever of his/her wheely chair.

If you're an asshat who likes to piss people off, then you're not likely to be working for anyone too long, anyway.

Hmmmm.. let me introduce you to the BOFH

...the managerial brain is set to shut down at the word "perl".

Also known as Dummy Mode

A well-known IT professional has been advocating this policy for some years now. http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard.html

A good example of proper IT/management interaction is available here:

Proper IT/Management Interaction Training Website

I take the sexy magical elf babes thank you very much, you can have monkeyboy.

Now that's just silly. First off, if they are not technically oriented, you would simply drop them into dummy mode and then feed them instructions. Second, chances are since you were the one to set up the program, you would be the one to sign in and get the location data. Then you would call the authorities and say "according to my gps-enabled tracking software, the laptop is at location X," and they would send out a detective. If the detective is unwilling to accept your data, then you are parsing it wrong.

Arrr, laddie, I've seen error messages the size of great whites! Swallow a man whole, they will!

CAN
YOU
STAND
THE
HORROR!!!

But yeah, the most wacked out ginoruous displays in Times Square are at the end of the day just great big monitors. Running Windows 2000.

Simon Travaglia originally scored a TRS-80 out of a bin at the university he worked for at the time, and he wrote out a few articles of the Striped Irregular Bucket. Within that bloody machine came the character of the BOFH, and the rest...is something.

http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard8.html

I love my IBM model M (made 1993-05-21), but it's too loud to use at work. Right now, I'm using an old Dell rubber-membrane keyboard. I hate typing on it. Any suggestions on a keyboard with good tactile feedback but less of the BOFH clickyness?

(Unrelated note: the key sound of a Model M is the worst possible thing to hear when hung over. Something about the pitch makes every key a knife twisting in the brain.)

Clickedy-Click! by Simon the BOFH

It's one of the classics, and no Unix administrator's education would be complete without it.

...someone patented the BOFH? http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard_Indexes.html

So you just script your searches so that only the interesting email is flagged for your attention. (We should all look at this BOFH image as a good example.)

1. wouldn't have been fired in the first place, and if he was fired,
2. wouldn't have been caught, and if he was caught,
3. wouldn't have been prosecuted.

We will be closely monitoring dsl statistics reports and those who go over their bandwidth quota, as mentioned above, will be sent a warning, then restricted.

I suspect this is a classic typo error. A bit like this one: http://www.ntk.net/2003/01/10/dohmus.gif or even this one: http://www.ntk.net/2004/05/28/doh2e.gif

I suspect this is a classic typo error. A bit like this one: http://www.ntk.net/2003/01/10/dohmus.gif or even this one: http://www.ntk.net/2004/05/28/doh2e.gif

From here:

Another user rings "I said what I wanted was more space on my account, *please*"

"Sure, hang on"

I hear him gasp his relief even though he'd covered the mouthpeice.

"There, you've got *plenty* of space now!"

"How much have I got?" he simps

"Well, let's see, you have 4 Meg available"

"Wow! Eight Meg in total, thanks!" he says, pleased with his bargaining power

"No" I interrupt, savouring this like a fine red at room temperature, with steak, extra rare, to follow; "4 Meg in total.."

"Huh? I'd used 4 Meg already, How could I have 4 Meg Available?"

I say nothing. It'll come to him.

"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggh hhhhH!"

The planet of the apes, apparently.

Hey QuantumG,

First, these aren't pro-bono lawyers. Wendy was, and Jason is, part of our legal staff. That's some of what an EFF donation pays for: having lawyers available to protect vulnerable groups that might not otherwise be able to afford one. I imagine you'll now claim that they're no good, or somesuch. I'll just point people to the recent announcement that one of them, Kurt Opsahl, just won the California Attorney of the Year award for his work winning against Apple. Two of our other lawyers won the award in previous years. You can check all of their track records here.

Second, you seem very against people seeking out free legal advice. I recall you weren't quite that reticent a few years back, when you mailed me while I was editor of NTK for some free legal advice on work you were involved in. I wasn't working for the EFF then, and you and I were both based in Europe, but the first thing I did - like thousands of others - was contact EFF. They were incredibly friendly, explained that they couldn't advise on EU law, but gave me some useful pointers, which I believe I passed on.

I know you think it's funny to keep trying to troll about our work on slashdot, but when you deal with as many people who are in genuine trouble as we do, and see as many of them as is possible getting the same careful treatment as EFF gave me when I presented your problems to them, I find it less than high-larious when all you can do is spread FUD and claim it's a joke when people call you on it.

I know funny, and I know troll. Modwise, QuantumG, you're going *down*.

Will that version include the famous monkey dance? [grin]

It is still all about the developers...

http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard_Indexes.html

/Me thinks you missed your calling as a professional comedy writer.

Of course it is. And companies are starting to get wise to the fact that things could be better - when applying for jobs after college, not one but two of the interviews I had were filling spots of IT admins who'd been fired for this kinda crap. And the interviews were all questions like "What do you think of users who know absolutely nothing about computers?"

By lacky, surely you mean a pfy? (Hopefully I've just introduced someone to a whole nights worth of wasted time filled with lots of good laughs/groans.)

-Ben

I used to love typing that into a workstation, but not pressing enter.

One user had the habit of clearing the screensaver by hitting Enter over and over...

The Bastardry is strong in this one.

... they were already using portable translators of a kind?