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Someone mod the parent up.

It's a reference to a *classic* SNL sketch starring Bill Murray as a (bad and cheesy) lounge singer named "Nick Winters".

Transcript Here

Hear it here under 'MP3' at the bottom.

Nick "Winters": Hey, wait a minute! This is the Nick "Winters" show, and I do the entertaining, thank you! Let's go out with something really hot for these folks, alright? A big hit on the '77. [ singing ] "Ah.. Star Wars! Nothing but Star Wars! Gimme those Star Wars.. don't let them end! Ah.. Star Wars! If they should bar wars.. please let these Star Wars stay-ay! And, hey! How about that nutty Star Wars bar? Can you forget all those creatures in there? And, hey! Darth Vader in that black and evil mask - did he scare you as much as he scared me-e-e-e?" [ turns and screams when he finds Paul the Pianist wearing a Darth Vader mask ] My seventh winter up here! [ singing ] "Star Wars-s-s-s!"

From Saturday Night Live, with Dana Carvey palying Tom Brokaw.
Full transcript here

Tom Brokaw: Okay, who are we up to?

Voice of Producer: Uh.. we're still on Presidents. Gerald Ford.

Tom Brokaw: Gerald Ford? Well, he's in good shape..

Voice of Producer: Just covering our bases, Tom. You never know..

Tom Brokaw: Alright, alright.. [ graphic of Gerald Ford, "1913-1996" appears over Tom's left shoulder ] "Gerald Ford dead today at the age of 83."

Voice of Producer: Okay, good. Annd, one for next year.

Tom Brokaw: Alright.. [ graphic of Gerald Ford, "1913-1997" ] "Gerald Ford dead today, at age 84."

Voice of Producer: Uh.. a little sadder.

Tom Brokaw: Alright. [ sad ] "Gerald Ford dead today.. at age 84.."

Voice of Producer: That was good. Good.

Tom Brokaw: Okay, what now?

Voice of Producer: Now let's do one for if he's shot.

Tom Brokaw: Well, what are the chances of that?

Voice of Producer: We're just covering contingencies.

Yeah, Theodoric of York has always held himself in pretty high esteem.

There was a hilarious SNL sketch (with Al Gore) a while back where they made fun of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Here's the link to the transcript:
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/02/02hwonka.phtml/

Anyone have the video?

And a copy for those who don't want to follow the link: (Too few character per line with spaces, so I condensed it here.)

02h: Al Gore / Phish
Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory
Willy Wonka.....Jeff Richards
Charlie Bucket.....Amy Poehler
Glen.....Al Gore
Oompa Loompas.....Chris Kattan, Fred Armisen, Will Forte

Announcer: We now return to "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory", starring Gene Wilder and some midgets.
[dissolve to Willy Wonka walking an anatomically-correct Charlie Bucket through the factory]

Charlie Bucket: You mean it, Mr. Wonka? You really mean it?

Willy Wonka: I certainly do, Charlie. I'm giving my entire factory to you!

Charlie Bucket: Woooww!!

Willy Wonka: We just have one more stop to make before everything's yours.

Charlie Bucket: Really? Where are we going?

Willy Wonka: Actually.. the thing is.. [ singing comically off-key ] "There's no earthly way of knowing.. which direction we are going! There's no knowing where we are going! Or which way the wind is BLOW-OW-ING!!" Actually, we're just going to the ACcounting Department! [ laughs ] We have a lot of paperwork to get through. [ blows flute, causing office door to open ]
[ Willie Wonka and Charlie enter the office, where accountant Glen is checking orders over the phone ]

Glen: We put in an order for what?! 75,000 pounds of.. snozberries? What the hell is a snozberry?

Willy Wonka: Charlie? This is the factory accountant - my borther Glen. Glen Wonka!

Glen: [ on phone ] Listen, I'm gonna have to get back to you. [ hangs up ]

Willy Wonka: Glen? I have someone here I want you to meet. This.. is Charlie.

Glen: William, I told you not to bring tour groups through here.

Charlie Bucket: Say. Is anything here made out of candy?

Glen: No. Not really. But I think I have some Rolaids in my desk. Knock yourself out. Now.. if that's all, I really have to get back to work. William. We have to take care of this Oompa-Loompa situation. They need green cards, William! We're not making tennis shoes here.

Willy Wonka: Glen, Charlie isn't here for the tour. I'm giving him sole ownership of the factory!

Glen: [ outraged ] You're doing what?!

Willy Wonka: I'm giving the whole factory here to Charlie!

Glen: You gave our business to an eight-year old child?! For God's sakes, why?!

Willy Wonka: Because a child's dream.. is like a thousand candy rainbows.

Glen: Oh, yeah, that makes sense! I'll tell that to our stockholders when they storm down here and beat us bloody with our candy canes!

Willy Wonka: Glen! Please!

Glen: No, William! I've had it! I put up with a lot working here! Riding that insane, psychadelic boat to my office everyday! Having to step around piles and piles of Oompa-Loompa dung! But I am through with it!

Willy Wonka: What are you saying, Glen?

Glen: What I'm saying, William, is that, thanks to your wizwarbulous ideas, this factory is.. [ crumples reports ] ..hemorrhaging money!! You have a chocolate river running through here! And I'm pretty sure earlier today a fat kid drowned in it. You tell me how that's helping our bottom line!

Willy Wonka: Glen, please, take it easy!

Glen: Wait! I almost forgot! There's that billion dollars you spent on that machine that turns giant candy bars into tiny chocolate bars. Help me wrap my brain around that one.. 'cause I'm missing the big profit opportunity!

Charlie Bucket: Actually, that is a good point.

Glen: You want to know how bad things are?! You want to know?! [ into intercom ] Get the report on Third Quarter Earnings!
[ Oompa-L

Why am I reminded of the Sam Waterston SNL skit about Old Glory Insurance?

The website for the Iiyama looks like something the Festrunk brothers would find in their hometown of Bratislava Czechoslovakia.

Mainway Toys Pretty Peggy Ear-Piercing Set, Mr. Skin-Grafter, General Tron's Secret Police Confession Kit, Doggie Dentist, and of course, the Bag O' Glass.

Noun 1. douche bag - a small syringe with detachable nozzles; used for vaginal lavage and enemas

And a noteworthy 18th century aristocrat.

why can't it just be a browser?

Hey, hey, hey! Firefox is a browser, and a dessert topping.

"Effectively we would like to enable the doctor to become very small," he says.

Nick Burns: Move!...Done. Was that so hard?

No, only one is:

Star Trek Democrats - Submit transcript for this skit at that site.

(I accidentially copied another thing while yelling at my cats, oops)

So, Nick Burns and Rhonda finally tied the knot.

Congratulations!!!

You go, girl! Keep on ripping at 256 or 320kbps VBR MP3's using LAME! You'll end up with "great sound," just like the brady 6

As for me, give me ogg at 225kps. It sounds great and it is the free and open format.

It's a sound principle, but remember to cover your asses just in case things go wrong!

Ummm, no....

Dennis Miller: In response to what its sponsors claim is an idea whose time has come, the first All-Drug Olympics opened today in Bogota, Columbia. Athletes are allowed to take any substance whatsoever before, after, and even during the competition. So far, 115 world records have been shattered! We go now to correspondent Kevin Nealon, live in Bogota for the Weightlifting Finals. Kevin?

Kevin Nealon: Dennis, getting ready to lift now is Sergei Akmudov of the Soviet Union. His trainer has told me that he's taken antibolic steroids, Novacaine, Nyquil, Darvon, and some sort of fish paralyzer. Also, I believe he's had a few cocktails within the last hour or so. All of this is, of course, perfectly legal at the All-Drug Olympics, in fact it's encouraged. Akmudov is getting set now, he's going for a cleaning jerk of over 1500 pounds, which would triple the existing world record. That's an awful lot of weight, Dennis, and here he goes.

[ Kevin steps aside to reveal the steroid-bulked athlete bent over to lift the 1500 lbs. weight. Sergei tightens his grip on the barbells and pulls up, but instead of lifting the weights, his arms are pulled off and blood squirts ferociously out of his pulpy stubs. ]

Kevin Nealon: Oh! He pulled his arms off! He's pulled his arms off, that's gotta be disappointing to the big Russian! [ Sergei's trainer wraps a towel around him ] You know, you hate to see something like this happen, Dennis! He probably doesn't have that much pain right now, but I think tomorrow he's really gonna feel that, Dennis! Back to you!

Dennis Miller: Thank you, Kevin. Very nice form on the Russian. Canada, of course, is leading that competition.

credit

This kernel received the codename: Angus; it should be refered to as "Kernel Angus," for example:

Daddy: Oh, watch out, Melinda! Once a woman is introduced to Kernel Angus, she'll settle for nothing less.

Melinda: Daddy, they say all the womenfolk just love Kernel Angus!

Daddy: Hmm.. I don't know why people make such a big fuss over Kernel Angus!

Miss Anabelle: I myself never much cared for Kernel Angus! He rubs me the wrong way. I'm not sure why.. can't put my finger on it..

Daddy: Kernel Angus is an acquired taste! Bedelia!

Props to Tina Fey for writing this great SNL skit.

(BTW, It's easier to catch the joke if you read it out loud...)

This appears to be inspired by the Wal-Mart sketch with Jennifer Garner and Amy Poehler (featuring Seth Meyers) from the 2/13/03 episode of Saturday Night Live. The major link, besides the theme, is the bottled water.
Here is a transcript and here is a WMV version. The map of North Wal-Mart is a riot. Not great, but pretty good for SNL.

...bulk up on our Old Glory insurance!
"You need to feel safe. And that's harder and harder to do nowadays, because robots may strike at any time."

Troll! Oh come on, that was FUNNY and appropriate!

SNL - Sean Connery on Celebrity Jeopardy

The Transcripts... hehe too funny!

Run TCP/IP over a cowbell and I'll be impressed.

Who could forget this Saturday Night Live sketch? One of the best:

Guess what? I got a fever! And the only prescription.. is more cowbell!

Transcript | Windows Media Video Capture (4.3MB)

Thank god my elderly mother purchased Robot Insurance

It's simple -- they will feed off old persons' medications. And they will be made of metal and be strong, so the old people won't be able to fight them off.

For your Old Glory insurance policy.

"Robots are everywhere, and they eat old people's medicine for fuel. Well, now there's a company that offers coverage against the unfortunate event of robot attack, with Old Glory Insurance. Old Glory will cover you with no health check-up or age consideration. You need to feel safe. And that's harder and harder to do nowadays, because robots may strike at any time."

It's more than funny Slashdot doesn't recognize its own content. The original author gets "modded" 1 for pointing out the real key to this story-- it has recirculated back to its origin.

Meanwhile, this comment will be "modded" zero (as usual) for posting as AC.

Remember, to get Mod +5 for funny, try to think of any Bloater Brothers comeback.

Watch your backs, folks!

Evidence? That implies facts, doesn't it?

All they're going to find here is wild speculation from people who only think they know enough about the case to comment on it.

"Think of it as open-source lawyering.

For some reason, this is what came to mind when I read that.

Old Glory: For when the metal ones decide to come for you. And they will.

Sam Waterston and I tried to warn you all, but you wouldn't listen!

Old Glory Insurance

Old Glory Insurance

..as long as they don't show, in full panoramic glory, last week's SNL skit with Tracy Morgan and Selma Hayek giving King Kong's Dong a rubdown.

I wonder if hacker/cracker insurance is anything like robot insurance.

"Hey, I didnt' touch the guy's brain. It was the robot!"

But then, I suppose, doctors and patients would be required to invest in some robot insurance.

The Penis Mightier.!

I've finally perfected it.
Contact me for more info!

Er, they don't have glass any more, like all the other toys that have become less deadly with time. (Remember the Bag'O'Broken Glass we used to get from Mainway Toys when we were kids? :)

Evolution should have put women's eyes on their breasts, so we can make eye contact there.

Heh, did you see the SNL skit where this exact scenario was portrayed?

I think they actually had Pierce Brosnan on for that show, so it was even one of the real Bonds. ;-)

Not that you really wanted to know, but that episode of SNL stars Garth Brooks (with musical guest Chris Gains) and Chris Parnell plays Bond in that sketch.

The transcript is available here:

What was the locker combination in episode 25 after you left your quarters the last time and opened your safe?

[Cmdr Taco] The next posting was sent in by Lucas Bamberger of Mac-baden. Here he has come across an Apple Powerbook, which in itself is not so disturbing. Until it is turned over to reveal... ANTS! ANTS! ANTS!

[Cowboy Neal]
Now that's an ant farm of a different color!

Scuds, fyi, are women that look like absolute babes from a distance, but once you get up close you realize they've met the ugly stick up close and personal one or two times. Original term courtesy of Wayne and Garth, see: this SNL transcript.

So you guys with scud-free Targets, I salute you.

Number one is the "Get A Life" skit... of course.

Script should be here, instead visit here
Teaser:

Dr. McCoy: Forget it, Bill. We lost. It's over. Are you coming, Leonard? [ Spock attempts nerve pinch on Dr. McCoy ] Knock it off, you joker!

Captain Kirk: Wait, Mr. Spock! We have yet to try Vulcan mind meld, where you actually enter the alien's brain, merge with his intelligence and read his thoughts.

Mr. Spock: I entered Mr. Goodman's mind while you were talking to Dr. McCoy, Captain. [ Curtis enters and pries the set apart with a crowbar ] It was all.. all dark and empty in there. And.. and there were little mice in the corners and spiders had spun this web..

Captain Kirk: Spock!

Mr. Spock: I kept bumping my head on the ceiling, and once..

Captain Kirk: Snap out of it, Spock!

Mr. Spock: [ with a shudder ] It's okay, Captain.. I'm alright now.

Ok... that is #3 on the list of funny SNL/Trek skits.

Number one is the "Get A Life" skit... of course.

But number two maybe a little more obscure. It's the one about the Democratic Primary in '92... Clinton smashes the podium... CLASSIC! It was the opener on the show that night.

The only site I could find on it. Wish I had the mpeg link.[hint, hint]

I still catch it (and laugh) on Comedy Central... thank God.

Probably from this old Saturday night live skitAlex Trebek: Mr. Connery, why don't
you pick?

Sean Connery: Ah! Well met! I'll take Months That Start With Feb, Trebek.

Alex Trebek: For how much?

Sean Connery: Suprise me, you filthy bastard!

Alex Trebek: Okay, that's completely unnecessary. Months That Start With Feb for $800. This is the only month that starts with Feb. [ Sean Connery buzzes in ] Mr. Connery?

Sean Connery: Febtober!

Alex Trebek:No. [ Calista Flockhart buzzes in ] Calista Flockhart.

Calista Flockhart: What is.. Febturday?

Alex Trebek: No.

Sean Connery: She said turd!

Alex Trebek: I hate you! The answer was February. That's the month that starts with Feb. It was last month!

Sean Connery: Aha! A trick question!

Alex Trebek: Yeah, it was a trick question, Mr. Connery. Why don't you pick a category?

Sean Connery: I've got to ask you about the Penis Mightier.

Alex Trebek: What? No. No, no, that is The Pen is Mightier.

Sean Connery: Gussy it up however you want, Trebek. What matters is does it work? Will it really mighty my penis, man?

Alex Trebek: It's not a product, Mr. Connery.

Sean Connery: Because I've ordered devices like that before - wasted a pretty penny, I don't mind telling you. And if The Penis Mightier works, I'll order a dozen.

Alex Trebek: It's not a Penis Mightier, Mr. Connery. There's no such thing!

Nicholas Cage: Wait, wait, wait.. are you selling Penis Mightiers?

Alex Trebek: No! No, I'm not.

Sean Connery: Well, you're sitting on a gold mine, Trebek!

Call me cynical, but most Appreciation Days are, IMO, like tipping:

• Waiter: please don't spit in my soup
• Postman: please don't lose my mail
• Barber: don't let me look like an idiot
• Secretar^w Administrative Assistant: don't tell x about y

The DOS for Dummies suggests similar gifts as bribes to get free help from freaky nerds like Nick Burns.

Everyone likes to be appreciated, not everyone deserves bribes.

Thanks! I hated writing it, but I just started banging out my frustrations on the keyboard. When I saw that it was going to be a masterpiece, I made the decision to forward it to Slashdot.

These problems are utterly trivial for the most part - couple of lines of code here, a new routine in the install script there - and I'd happily roll up the sleeves and dig out the source if I were beyond the "Hello, World" programming level.

Note that I'm not condemning problems without being willing to help; if I were capable of writing code, I would.

Absolutely.

My first experience with Linux was Red Hat 6.0. I figured that the most popular distro would be easiest for a newbie. On the 'Net, people were telling me that an x.0 release of Linux would be bad by Linux standards, but not as bad and buggy as, for example, the first release of Windows 95. Well, I had to support the first release of Windows 95; I know it well. It was leaps and bounds better in every user experience than Red Hat 6.0.

Had I been less determined, I would have quit. I almost did. The RH6.0 CD got thrown across the room in frustration, but I dug it out a couple of weeks later and tried again. It was probably my single worst computing experience; worse than Amiga WorkBench 1.0, Mac 1.0, Windows 95A. Hell, worse than learning the hard way, when you're 13 years old, why you need a null modem cable to connect your TeleType to your TI-99/4A.

Modern spellcheckers are absolutely essential. Period. If we're ever gonna get Linux on the desktop, that *has* to be addressed *quickly*. (Are you reading this, Mozilla development team? Kmail gang?)

If we don't have that, we don't have any credibility. Improving installer scripts can wait, most end users don't do that. But most end users do write e-mail and word processor documents; this cannot wait.

I applaud the Xine team for adding a playlist feature to Xine, it's a great innovation. Sometimes, you have an application where you just want neat videos playing on your monitor.

But how much work would it have taken to pop-up a Save Playlist As... window to allow you to save playlists for work (ie. endless repeating commercials for FIDS displays at airports, monday.playlist, tuesday.playlist, wednesday.playlist; arrivals.playlist, departures.playlist, etc.) Winamp has got it.

And while you're at it, click a box to make it repeat endlessly.

Speaking of Winamp, when I save an XMMS playlist and set up KDE to launch XMMS when I click on the playlist, XMMS doesn't play it. XMMS should see that it's being launched, check the file passed to it. If it's an audio file, load it and play it. If it's a playlist, load it as a playlist and play it. I suspect XMMS attempts to load the playlist like an audio file, finds it to be an invalid file format, and ignores it. Sure, it's pretty, but like Dan Aykroyd in the famous Super Bass-o-Matic 76 bit, it's Not Ready For Prime Time.

*Must* also have comparable features in all apps, and hopefully also some new ones. The features Windows users expect are required for credibility, the new features give "Gee-Whiz, $BLAH for Windows doesn't do that, that's cool!" and get the foot in the door.

Or has the time. Or wants to spend the time.

I like computers (obviously). But, even so, I *hate* sitting down in front of an unfamiliar operating system and trying to figure out how to get it to do what I need to do.

It must be so much worse for people who either don't like computers or are unfamiliar with the most fundamental basics.

Windows users are gonna have a tough enough time adapting as it is ("You're telling me there's no C: drive. What do you take me for, an idiot?") without giving them additional complexities and frustrations.

And good ones, too. I'm so glad to find like-minded people after a rant like that.

I love Linux and Unix. I love the Unix ideal of everything as a file, the security model and stability that can only come from miniaturizing a multiuser mainframe operating system to fit on my desktop. I love the development model and the available source code. And these features can only make it more appealing for enterprise desktop deployment, if we can get through the bull. I want to see Linux on the desktop. It's leaps and bounds above where it was a mere year ago. But we're not ready for mass-deployment yet.

End users will remember a poor first experience with Linux for years and years and years... and we'll only drive them right back to Microsoft.

Who would have thought that geologists at the Smithsonian would have found the origin of the coneheads?

--
Evan "Always ready to poke fun at the neighbors across the puddle"