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Who says that laying off all your employees is impossible?

http://www.satirewire.com/news/att.shtml

At first, I remembered this as being an onion article, but actually it wasn't. Although the onion did have:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28984

So there you go!

Last year, The Onion did a great writeup on this guy.

From the Onion: Even CEO Can't Figure Out How Radio Shack Still In Business

"Fuck everything, we're doing five blades."

This article needs pics.

Dr Eric Reed has already carried out important preliminary work in this area

But of course Congress cut our^whis funding, just when it was most vital for the future of humanity. And just as I^dthe research team was off to the Cricket World Cup on in^w^w^w^w^wJamaica - a leading world source of centrifuge compatible monkeys.

Oh, science, I pity you for your vicious poltical masters.

Won't someone please think of the colonists' children?

I'm a chocoholic. A fucking serious chocoholic.

Yeah, I feel ya, man. I'm like a chocoholic, but for booze.

I wonder if these would count as examples of good news:

Blue Angles Jet Did Not Kill Anybody on the Ground And Five Pilots Are Alive and Well

Bush's Ratings Above Zero

At Least One Person Says Gonzolas Should Stay

Fallujah To Get Another New Chief

Space Engineer Will Not Get Any More Mediocre Job Reviews

Street Evangelists Rescues 300 Souls.

I guess it's possible to turn bad news into good news, but then everything will start to sound like The Onion.

Note that I am not trying to make light of any of these issues but to show how idiotic the new Russian stance is.

I wonder if these would count as examples of good news:

Blue Angles Jet Did Not Kill Anybody on the Ground And Five Pilots Are Alive and Well

Bush's Ratings Above Zero

At Least One Person Says Gonzolas Should Stay

Fallujah To Get Another New Chief

Space Engineer Will Not Get Any More Mediocre Job Reviews

Street Evangelists Rescues 300 Souls.

I guess it's possible to turn bad news into good news, but then everything will start to sound like The Onion.

Note that I am not trying to make light of any of these issues but to show how idiotic the new Russian stance is.

Sure, try this site for a news alternative to Slashdot. Mostly, it's is a little more accurate. Mostly.

If the glorious nation of Australia wants to see what good being a Closed Minded Politician is, then one only has to watch Machiavelli's personal nightmare, President Bush. theOnion goofs on this weekly, but when one listens to the tape, one cannot truly tell if it is a comedian, or the president; It is that close to the real thing.

"The difference between a terrorist, and a baby is?" - Larry the Cable Guy

This is like a bad parody of the onion

Area Man, is that you?

I mean seriously. You came all the way to an online forum, clicked on a link to a story about TVs, and took the time to post a comment about how you don't watch TV. ?!?!?

Offtopic a bit, but in case you missed it, this Onion article is hilarious.

It's true.

I see I was modded troll above; off-topic might be appropriate but troll? Nah. Wiliams, along with Carlos Mencia and Dennis "Hicks" Leary are all known joke thieves.

Quote the originals, not the hack thieves, and I don't have a problem.

What, you mean this? I think not.

See, er, listen to this hilarious Onion Radio News story from Feb. 8: Brilliant Scientist Trying To Get Word Out About Penis-Enlargement Breakthrough (warning: page may auto-play audio).

OOA (Obligatory Onion Article):

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28694

You mean they're not doing this??

Gasp.

I hope Fermilab doesn't lose it's funding like the super monkey collider did: http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30420

Bush Finds Error In Fermilab Calculations

Daily:
http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/ I like to start every day with the Astronomy Picture of the Day
http://www.woot.com/ and the daily Woot.
http://www.slashdot.org/ Then I'll visit Slashdot about 30 times each day,
http://www.techbargains.com/ and I'm surprised more people didn't list Techbargains. I can't stay off this site.
http://www.ytmnd.com/ Finally, I'll spend countless hours each day viewing stupid YTMNDs.

Few times a week:
http://www.apple.com/trailers Movie trailers, keeps you up to date on what's coming out.
http://www.thepbf.com/ The Perry Bible Fellowship = best.
http://www.theonion.com/ The Onion
http://www.thinkgeek.com/ and Thinkgeek, of course.

Mix in the usual bbc, npr, cnn, espn, newegg, email, etc, and that's my rotation. Really, I'm surprised I didn't see more techbargains in these replies. That should be a staple in every rotation.

Say, you're not this guy, are you?

It's simply not possible to calculate because the gyroball is not subject to your universe's rules.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/51834

They already did.

The Onion said it best the last time this issue came up: "If they lift the ban on cell-phone use, they better lift the ban on passengers beating the shit out of each other, too."

Kid Rock.

"My ancestors weren't no monkey-fuckers."

>His assertion that second-hand cigarette smoke is a large contributor to global warming

Where has Al Gore, or anyone, asserted that 2nd-hand cigarette smoke is a large contributor to global warming ... outside of The Onion?

One suspects you are the victim of a joke. Link please?

They prefer to call it "intelligent falling", but yeah you got the gist of it.

Unless the company has several new models in the pipeline to release after the original offering, he says, they're likely to fail.

Good thing Apple is already working hard to make sure the iPhone is laughably obsolete upon release.

I think The ONN (Onion News Network) summs up the sad situation in our country quite nicely with this little "expose": CEO fired, replaced by illegal immigrant

Maybe the article originally came from the The Onian?

So, are the "Ask a[n] X" clips just slight rip-offs the The Onion's "Ask A ..." series? As an example, http://www.theonion.com/content/node/37412 .

Science is manifestly not about looking at stuff with an open mind. That's when you start giving things like magic spells and Timecube undue credit.

Science is about looking at stuff with a critical mind. The reason science works is that it has the most stringent criteria for acceptance of ideas - only if it matches empirical data better than anything we already have; and even then, only until we come up with something better.

When evolution is attacked, science itself is attacked. It would be no different if gravity were attacked:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39512

TV as we know it is a rapidly dying market. More than half of the people I know don't have an antenna/cable/satellite TV. I haven't had a "TV" for anything other than games and DVD's for 5+ years. The quality of the content on "TV" is consistently "lowest common denominator" and it's beyond absurd to pay for TV (cable or satellite), and then have to sit through advertisements.

When asked about his opinion on Halliburton's ranking on the Worst company list, Cheney was quoted as saying: "Number two? This is bullshit!"

Totally stolen from http://www.theonion.com/content/node/48445

Yup, The Onion was absolutely spot on last week:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/59586/print/

I knew Bush would win as soon as Al Gore was chosen. I knew he'd win again as soon as Kerry was chosen. If Hillary is picked, we'll get another Republican president.

The Onion discovered this species a year ago.

The Onion discovered this species a year ago.

Man, that tutorial looks like something you would see on The Onion!

My favorite line:

The invention called the typewriter introduced the Shift Key. You generally have 2 of them on your keyboard. They look something like the picture on the left. They are located on the left and right sides of your keyboard. The other invention, called the Mouse, was invented by Douglas C. Engelbart in 1970. These come in different varieties, but always have at least one button located on them. They are located on your desk, or sometimes on a mouse pad.

Look, I like OSS, but the sarcasm here reeks of the worst negative stereotypes of open source.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/54360

In addition to explaining how to make something from nothing, Stephen Hawking is also quite the expert on future military technologies.

Well, having had my computer taken by the cops as "evidence", I've learned several important lessons:

1) The cops have _no_ sense of humor. Thanks to Fark, I had This, and This in my cache. Apparently, I'm now into terrorism and child trafficing.
 
2) EFS doesn't help. Microsoft's Encrypting File System doesn't encrypt anything that can't be broken in seconds with the password (and usually minutes/hours without).
 
So, especially for farkers, get TrueCrypt. It's free, and open-source. Then, get TCTEMP. It makes it so your temporary files encrypted with a random key. Restart, and they all go "poof". Then get TCGina. You get to encrypt your home directory (and history, documents, etc.) - it automatically mounts it when you login.
 
Use AES/SHA-1 as your encryption scheme, and pick a good password. If you're _really_ paranoid, grab Shred Agent (wipes files you delete automatically), and Distrust (a firefox addon that automatically deletes your history and cache for you). Nobody is _ever_ going to be recovering your data (even you, if you forget your password).

If you are looking for a quick, easy, fool-proof way to wipe your hard drive so _nobody_ will _ever_ recover _anything_ from it, make yourself a DBAN disk. Easy to use, and it gets the job done right.

As a person who hates TV and doesn't own one, it really pisses me off that my tax dollars are being spent on this boondoggle.

s Stephen Hawking the first post-human?

Ever since he got that robotic exoskeleton, he's also had super-strength and endurance alongside his superb mind and access to records of previous conversations.

You have a valid point about not everyone wanting unlimited access. You don't need to be so annoyingly arrogant to make it -- you come off like Area Man Constantly Mentioning He Doesn't Own A Television.

There are plenty of uses for SMS that don't prevent you from having a dinner conversation. And there are plenty of places where WiFi isn't available or isn't free that make wide-area wireless Internet access useful. It's a little hypocritical to whine about how you'll be ignored by the new plans while you ignore or dismiss users that might actual benefit from those plans.

Every time I see one of these posts, I am reminded of the following Onion article: Area Man Constantly Mentioning He Doesn't Own A Television.