Ask Slashdot: Terminally Ill - What Wisdom Should I Pass On To My Geek Daughter?

An anonymous reader writes: I am a scientist and educator who has been enjoying and learning from Slashdot since the late 90s. Now I come to you, my geek brothers and sisters, for help. I've been diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer, which you will remember is what took Steve Jobs and Randy Pausch from us. My condition is incurable. Palliative chemotherapy may delay the inevitable, but a realistic assessment suggests that I have anywhere from two to six months of "quality" time left, and likely not more than a year in total.

I am slowly coming to terms with my imminent death, but what bothers me most is that I will be leaving my wife alone, and that my daughter will have to grow up without her father. She is in sixth grade, has an inquisitive and sharp mind, and is interested in science and music. She seems well on the path to becoming a "girl geek" like her mother, an outcome I'd welcome.

Since I will not be around for all of the big events in her life, I am going to create a set of video messages for her that she can watch at those important times or just when she's having a bad day. I would like to do this before my condition progresses to the point that I am visibly ill, so time is short.

In the videos I will make clear how much I treasure the time we've spent together and the wonderful qualities I see in her. What other suggestions do you have? What did you need to hear at the different stages of your life? What wisdom would have been most helpful to you? At what times did you especially need the advice of a parent? And especially for my geek sisters, how can I help her navigate the unique issues faced by girls and women in today's world?

Please note that I'm posting anonymously because I don't want this to be about me. I'd prefer that the focus be on my daughter and how I can best help her. Thank you so much for your help.

Comments

Instilling values more important

[davidwr]

As important as it might be to encourage her geek talents, instilling and encouraging humanitarian values is far more important.

Make sure she knows she is loved. If you are religious, ask your wife to keep making it a priority to encourage those values in your daughter.

Make sure she knows that human beings have value and should be respected and treated well, just as you and your wife have treated her well.

Encourage her to use her talents and interests to make the world a better place.

Re:Instilling values more important

[TWX]

I don't necessarily agree with instilling too much compassion.

I think that it may be better to teach her to own her decisions, as in, don't just go along with the flow, but to actually think-out and make a real decision on things. Your daughter is in the process of entering a part of her life that will fundamentally change who she is in her adolescence. She'll be faced with the social pressures of maturing into adulthood along with the internal pressures of body changes. You need to teach her to truly think about the ramifications of her decisions, to understand that in many circumstances there's no choice with all-positive results, and to accept the bad along with the good when she decides. She needs to confidently own her decisions with education, with dating, with employment. That confidence will carry her a long way, much longer than simple compassion, or in teaching blind respect.

Remember, not everyone deserves the same respect, but the reasons that individuals may deserve more or less respect is based on the individual, not on any easy category that the individual has no control over. She should judge people, but she should judge them for things within their control, for their choices. Everyone should start out as a blank slate and through observation the level of respect is determined.

I don't think that the religious expression, "the meek shall inherit the Earth," is a good thing, I think it's a cautionary tale. The meek will get what's left over after everyone else that isn't meek is done with it. That means the scraps, the used up, worn out remains. She needs to not be meek, she needs to be strong, she needs to be assertive, she needs to figure out what she wants and to make it happen, and to make decisions when others are willing to just go with the flow. She needs to understand true Machiavellianism (ie, the understanding that there are times to come into direct conflict with others, even those in authority, but that there could be consequences or long-term ramifications for treading on such people) and that life simply isn't fair. What she wants she has to go get. The Universe owes her nothing, and will give her a raw deal (ie, the expected loss of her father) and that her life is what she makes of it.

Sorry if this is tough to hear, but I'm pretty sure that it's the truth. Life is what we make of it for ourselves. Our decisions at one point affect our options at other points, and we have to assert what we want if we're actually to get it.

Re:Instilling values more important

[demachina]

Point her to the Elon Musk TED talk. When asked how he did so many amazing things, one of his more insightful comments was he learned physics, and he learned how to approach things from the bottom up the way a physicist would. If you learn something at a fundamental level you can do amazing and new things. If you learn stuff, shallowly, from the top down, you often end up copying others which is both less amazing and less valuable.

Also has pretty good lessons for all the wanna be startup founders in Silicon Vally who are doing Uber of . . . or AirBNB of . . ., me too companies.

He also covers doing big, hard things for the benefit of humanity part pretty well.

Re:Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

" If you are religious, ask your wife to keep making it a priority to encourage those values in your daughter."

I could not disagree more strongly. Religion is not a core value, it is a philosophical choice which a child is not
even equipped to make until that child becomes an adult.

The number one thing a child should be taught is to always think for him or her self. This is the antithesis of a parent attempting to "program"
them with stuff like religion, or with anything else.

Re:Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

You're a terrible person. Consider therapy.

Re:Instilling values more important

[Khazunga]

I agree 100%. Recording advice for specific situations is an Herculean task, bound to fail. I'd go for core values too.

If I had to boil down what my parents taught me through life, it'd be three things:

1. We love you unconditionally
2. You can do anything you put your mind into (kid version) / You'll fail at a lot of stuff, but that failure is essential for success (non-kid version)
3. Happiness is a byproduct of the good you spread around.

Number 1 provides confidence in self, number 2 pushes for an active stance in life and number 3 is the core life mission.

Looking back, specific advice was always based on a reading of these core concepts. You can't possibly predict every specific piece of advice your child will need. You can, however, provide a framework for her to evaluate her options down the road.

Leave her a few videos, exposing *your* core approach to life, so that she can reason like you do. Every word will be treasured. Then, when you have a satisfying length of recorded messages, spend time with her and your wife. Don't fret about setting up memorable events. Just take the time to enjoy yourselves together. She'll remember it fondly.

Re:Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

Sorry to hear you're ill (we're all terminal). My advice to your daughter and yourself: No matter how much time you have, make the most of it.

Re:Instilling values more important

[Austerity Empowers]

I agree with this more than OP. Rational, ethical thought should be the cornerstone of any technical minded person. Rational to arrive at the most optimal data driven solution, ethical to ensure that the solution doesn't sound like "Well if we kill all the sick people, disease will be eliminated". Empathy, specifically for geek girls, is dangerous, she's going to face an uphill battle by her peers who are going to be afraid of her, threatened by her, and pressure her to drop to the level where they can compete in whatever way they comprehend it. The only way she'll steer clear is to govern basic human empathy with rationalism and clear thought, and it will still be very hard.

In general, empathy and compassion are dangerous when not heavily moderated by clear thinking and not entirely noble. If I gave all my money to N poor today, there'd be N+1 poor tomorrow. If I gave some of my money to the poor every day, there's be N slightly less poor tomorrow. Wealth is productivity, some of us have greater capacity for productivity than others. Truly helping others is much, much harder than empathy.

Re:Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

Actually the way he did it was to hit it big on the first Internet bubble with a scam company Paypal.

Re:Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

Very sorry to hear about your situation and the agony and stress it puts on all of your family.

I agree with parent poster comments. A few things I would add: consider writing letters or poems for her (in addition to the videos). Tell stories about yourself and your parents and grandparents. Maybe share what things were most inspiring to you at different ages. Which photos, songs, movies, books, etc. were some of your favorites. Maybe share funny stories and also some of the hard times you've gone through. Reiterate how much you love her and want the best for her. Ask her to do whatever inspires her, but to give it her best. Tell her how proud you were when she was born. Discuss some of these same things with your wife or other family members who will be able to help fill in gaps for her over the years.

Re:Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

And point her to the Gwynne Shotwell talks as well - SpaceX president is a pretty decent female role model too.

Re:Instilling values more important

[DarkOx]

Adding to this no matter what you do suffering the loss of her father at such at an immediately per-adolecent age like this is going to be a hurt she will probably always carry. Keep in mind she is old enough to have a pretty good although not complete idea of who you are, you are I am sure important to her if she shows it or not, and she is going to recall both her own pain at your loss and the pain of your wife etc.

That isn't a hurt she might want to work thru in the midst of other big life events. She might be really having fun with her friends on graduation day and not feel like opening that wound, and if she does not sit down and watch the video of day feel guilty at betraying your memory. Other events in her life might simply not take the shape you imagine, suppose you make a video for advice on marriage but she chooses not to or worse feel pressured to marry because she thought you expected it of her?

I think leaving videos behind is a wonderful idea but if it were me rather than making event specific videos I'd make age specific videos, titled like "For Winter Sometime your 25th Year" you can talk about some of things you were going through at that age, ideas about the world you recall having, how you felt about things etc. I am sure she will find your thoughts very interesting. There is still plenty of time to give adive an things as well, like "Spring of you 15th year".

This way she can pick a time when its emotionally convenient to visit with the memory of dad and you can still say what you want to say to here around given stages of her life.

Re:Instilling values more important

[Alaska Jack]

You know, you probably tell yourself, "I'm not a complete asshole in real life. It's just kind of like this persona I play when I'm online."

Well, you TELL yourself that....

Re:Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

Is that you AK Marc?

Re:Instilling values more important

[dreamchaser]

Then he wouldn't have posted anonymously, if he motives were how people perceived him and his legacy. Your comment was less than helpful.

Re:Instilling values more important

[LWATCDR]

Correct tell her that you love her. That she matters. Tell her all about you and what she is not old enough write in letters for her birthdays.

Re:Instilling values more important

[narcc]

The same can be said about any and all values including "a child should be taught is to always think for him or her self".

Once you realize that, you'll be well on your way to being able to understand moral reasoning, and far less likely to spout silly "relijuns is the bad" comments at inappropriate times.

Re:Instilling values more important

[Immerman]

Well, that got him some serious seed money, but the country is full of people who proceed to piss such money away.

Re:Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

So in other words, you've drunk the meritocracy kool-aid and now you'd like to indoctrinate children with it as well, despite all the evidence that it's a pile of bullshit cooked up to justify irresponsibility.

Re:Instilling values more important

[canadian_right]

Technology is completely unimportant.

The important things to learn are:

• Value learning and education. Be someone who learns all their life. Learn about science, art, cooking, technology, and ethics. And whatever else strikes your fancy.
• Be a rational person. Value the scientific method, logic, reason, and evidence. This doesn't preclude a sense of awe and wonder about the natural beauty around us, and the amazing facts of the history of the universe that brought all of us to this point. Logic and reason are what make us human.
• Value morality and ethics - based on secular enlightenment values, thought, and reason. You can't truly be good by following arbitrary rules set down by iron age sheep herders. Actually stop and think about morality and ethics now and then. Read some philosophy.
• Enjoy living. You've only got one life, make the most of it.

Re:Instilling values more important

[TWX]

I'm curious as to how you've drawn this conclusion. Please elaborate.

Re:Instilling values more important

[tstex]

I'd agree in instilling values - but I wouldn't suggest doing it in a dogmatic, preaching kind of way. Rather, tell her about yourself, and use the stories of your life to illustrate how you developed and applied your values. You will capture much more nuance by doing it that way, and at the same time you give her a chance to actually get to know who you are at the same time.

Re:Instilling values more important

[slew]

Remember, not everyone deserves the same respect, but the reasons that individuals may deserve more or less respect is based on the individual, not on any easy category that the individual has no control over. She should judge people, but she should judge them for things within their control, for their choices. Everyone should start out as a blank slate and through observation the level of respect is determined.

I don't know how you are defining respect, but it is good to give some base level of respect is for everyone. It is too easy to dehumanize people in this era of virtual interaction over the internet, and when we make it easy to dehumanizing each other, it seems to me that is the beginning of the end (FYI dehumanization is how both militaries and terrorist help train their operatives to perform acts that they normally wouldn't do)...

Additionally, as you say respect is earned, not deserved. Since you can't respect people relative to what they haven't done yet, no more than you can respect people for what category they seem to fit in, I see no rational way to fully judge people on the limited observations that we have of most people. We cannot know others motives or decision processes, only the outcome relative to our own experiences and that seems like a terribly short sighted way for someone to judge another (especially for someone who is young and inexperienced in the world).

As a terrible example, imagine how you might respect something your parents do as a child, then maybe not respect them as a teenager, and then when you become a parent, you realize that you have a different level of respect for their actions. What you parents did and their frame of mind in the past did not change, but what did change was your perspective along the way.

The corollary is that like beauty, respect seems to be mostly in the eye of the beholder, and like beauty, depending on your definition, most people have some base form of it that all beholders should embrace over time.

There is finite time on this earth for everyone, and we need to make the best of it and immortality (if you wish it) is only defined in terms with our interactions with others. In the end it doesn't really matter what people think of you, because in the final analysis, they don't really care that much what you think unless your thoughts affects them directly. Perhaps that means the people that might deserve the most respect are the ones that aren't seeking it from you because they realize that earning your respect doesn't matter to them, yet those are the same people that could care less about your respect.

That might sound circular, but that might illustrate how pointless the whole issue of respect is and what a waste of time attempting to transact in that currency might be in your finite time on earth. We should spend less time attempting to judge each other and respect is pretty much a courtesy that you should give to all. That's my 2cents...

Re:Instilling values more important

[demachina]

Paypal is a scam company now. It wasnâ(TM)t really a scam company when it was originally founded. It broke new ground in paying for stuff on the web when the web was in its infancy. It was also had to deal with massive scams coming from the other direction, faux customers.

Bitcoin companies seem to be having a much worse problem with being scams than Paypal did, at least until it was sold off by the founders to EBay at which point, yes it turned in to an obnoxious, kind of a scam company.

It should also be noted 9/11, the Patriot act and the 2008 crash all happened in there which made Paypal increasingly obnoxious in reaction to crushing Federal scrutiny of and intrusion in to financial transactions.

Re:Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

" If you are religious, ask your wife to keep making it a priority to encourage those values in your daughter."

I could not disagree more strongly. Religion is not a core value, it is a philosophical choice which a child is not
even equipped to make until that child becomes an adult.

The number one thing a child should be taught is to always think for him or her self. This is the antithesis of a parent attempting to "program"
them with stuff like religion, or with anything else.

Sorry, but your approach of letting the kid decide has been shown to be disastrous. You appear to be quite naive and think that the world is not filled with evil selfish people waiting to prey on young people with no sense of direction.

Re: Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

The fact that he is here asking for advice proves how much he loves her. I doubt that he is one to beat her. Sadly, as a human, you leave a lot to desire.

Re:Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

I'll glad you'll never reproduce.

Re:Instilling values more important

[KozmoStevnNaut]

Learning stuff from the bottom up is really good advice. Learn the basic of how stuff works and get a good knowledge foundation. From that you can usually extrapolate or at least make educated enough guesses that learning more complex systems becomes easier.

Re:Instilling values more important

[Shadow of Eternity]

I don't think it's really a bad thing to have videos in case of specific events, but really I think everyone's going about this the wrong way because OP himself has the wrong idea.

OP: Don't just make videos with advice and messages... make videos about you. You're leaving her when she's a small child, she's not going to get to know you like she would if she'd grown up with you there. Leave her videos about you, stories about your life, videos of you and your wife or parents together, things that will let her know you as a person and not just as this talking cutout of a person she remembers from her childhood. Tell her why you love science, what it means to you, how it's been a part of your life.

Re:Instilling values more important

[Critical Facilities]

I believe you may be confusing the word "compassion" with "deference" or otherwise equating it with passivity. It has been my experience that engaged compassion is far more useful that the exaggerated facade of confidence that many people present so as to seem "strong".

From a different perspective, compassion offers the mind something to chew on in confrontational and challenging situations that isn't offered by simply meeting a challenge with resistance or avoiding a confrontation. Compassion allows the person to understand the ROOT of the issue(s), and therefore can make a better informed decision about how (or if) to respond to the situation.

So, to build on your suggestion, let's assume that his daughter does indeed continue in the "geeky arts and sciences" and let's assume that she does face all of the challenges and opposition she's going to get from her mostly male classmates/peers. She could adopt the "cast iron bitch" attitude or just power her way through, ignoring it as best she can, and she'll probably make it through just fine. On the other hand, if she looks at these situations with compassion, she gets to fully understand it. She can realize why each of those peers treats her that way, and come to understand that it's likely born out of jealousy, or fear, or lack of understanding, or any other number of things that could explain why these people are treating her poorly. The significance of this, of course, is now that she fully understands how and why these things are happening, she can a) fully drop any personal apprehension she might have about things she might be doing to create it and b) be better informed and able to look for these behavior patterns in the future. With each encounter, she can further refine her understanding of her environment and her dealings with her fellow humans, and she can therefore refine how she responds to each.

Compassion does not mean "turning the other cheek", and incidentally, your "religious" quote about the "meek inheriting the earth" is christian, not universally religious......a lot of us think that's a bunch of crap (me included).

Re:Instilling values more important

[tlhIngan]

I would add a couple of things.

- Stay curious. Do not accept things as they are said - ask why. If they do not give an answer, that usually means the answer either is beyond our means of knowing (e.g., Why did the Big Bang happen?), or someone is hiding something (Why is climate change not happening?).

- Along the same lines, be inquisitive. Lifelong learning. Always attempt to learn something new - a new skill, new knowledge, new language, whatever. There should be no time where you think "I know all I need to know" - there is always something new to learn. And no, the something new doesn't have to be useful to anyone - if you want to learn to speak Latin, do it. Do it for the fun and enjoyment of learning. Always be learning.

- Enjoy the world - explore the beauty of nature. Examine the complexity of modern day life. Just sit back - do not spend all your time on practicalities, but learn to just step back, put away your daily distractions, and just ... enjoy. Take in the bigger picture. Do not let the minutiae of everyday life bog you down. Appreciate simple joys like how a dog might spend hours with a rope or ball.

- Realize there is much evil in the world, and strive to not contribute to it. Realize there are those who are not as fortunate, who may have lost much more than you, and to not judge them for you may find yourself in the same spot.

- If something does not feel right, act on that feeling. There are very few things in life that require immediate action. If your life is not in danger, take your time. Make it feel right. If it doesn't feel right, don't do it.

Re:Instilling values more important

[loose_cannon_gamer]

I could not disagree more strongly. :) I think you (parent post) have a confused idea of what religion is.

"A religion is an organized collection of beliefs, cultural systems, and world views that relate humanity to an order of existence." (Wikipedia.org). As a geek, I have no doubt that you (OP) have had life experiences which have led you to a set of beliefs, cultural systems, and world views that help you personally relate to the rest of humanity and the universe, possibly including a sense of the Divine. And as a geek, I have no doubt that you have experimented, analyzed, observed, tested your surroundings, and developed a set of values, beliefs, and ways of relating to others and your universe which have brought you some degree of happiness and peace.

It sounds criminal not to share such lessons with your own child. Of course your child will choose for herself. But to deprive her of those things in your life which have worked for you, especially in this area, seems foolish. Share with her the best path you have found and challenge her to find a better if she can. :)

(I suppose that I, as a geek, don't really buy in to the idea of an automatically-accepted formal dogma ('brainwashing'). And that said, I am an active participant in such a formally organized religion, but that's because my own set of experiments have led me to believe that this is the best path for me. And I ever seek a path which brings me greater peace and happiness, as any geek should.)

Re:Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

... relijuns is the bad ...

Most of the major religions recognize they're a moral and legal code written by a small number of men. This is why they survive. Christianity claims their written works, the bible, is the absolute, accurate and literal word of god. This both avoids the effect of the authors (name in the title of their book) and forces devotees to ignore the obvious changes in morals and law between authors (and books). It also requires magical mumbo-jumbo (eg. tran-substantiation, immaculate conception, holy trinity) to explain the contradictions. Lastly, religion leads to theocracy, where government values morality and mumbo-jumbo over the facts and complexities of the real world.

Re:Instilling values more important

[DocSavage64109]

I agree 100%. Recording advice for specific situations is an Herculean task...

What I would recommend is gathering up some good books and movies, or a list of them, that you would like to share with her. She can then watch or read them in her own time.

Re:Instilling values more important

[anagama]

That isn't a hurt she might want to work thru in the midst of other big life events. She might be really having fun with her friends on graduation day and not feel like opening that wound, and if she does not sit down and watch the video of day feel guilty at betraying your memory.

This is really insightful. My mom died when I was 20, which is probably better than if she had died when I was 6 -- or maybe worse, I don't know. I skipped my graduation ceremony for college and graduate school (no second parent either). I buried myself in doing things, hard and difficult things, as a way to alleviate the pain. I really don't know if I'd want to have to relive that pain periodically by watching videos. In fact I know I wouldn't have -- I'd inevitably feel like I was in some way, disappointing a ghost or missing that person or some other random negative emotion.

I probably didn't deal with things the right way when my mom died, and my response affected my whole life. I still will pick up a subject of one kind or another and totally immerse myself in it -- just like I did back then -- but now it is out of habit. It isn't even a joy thing. It's simply a means to get to a state of not-existing. I suppose it is better than having had used alcohol or drugs to achieve that feeling, but finding and engaging in new subjects at a totally immersive compulsive level isn't exactly healthy either.

I don't know what to to tell the poster -- I don't think I'm saying "don't leave videos" -- I was older and more aware than I would have been at six, I didn't have a second parent to pick up the slack, and I had my own personality oddities fully baked in. But, he should consider that it is possible that the kindest thing he can do, is to not leave a stack of videos. That making and leaving these videos is perhaps his way to not think about the disease and while they are a comfort to him, they would be a huge burden to his daughter.

Just last year while moving, I found a short final thoughts note my mom left for me, and I just totally broke down over it. That was a year ago and it still haunts me a little. A video would have been debilitating, at least for me.

Re:Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

What's fun with religion is there's SO MANY of them to pick from! If it's criminal to not share such lessons, then you are always a criminal because there's always *some other* pile of fabricated made-up horseshit you HAVE to share, right?

Like how the Catholic hierarchy is filled with millionaires and sexual deviants? Lessons like that?

Re:Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

I don't think that the religious expression, "the meek shall inherit the Earth," is a good thing, I think it's a cautionary tale. The meek will get what's left over after everyone else that isn't meek is done with it. That means the scraps, the used up, worn out remains.

You don't like this quote from Jesus because of translation issues with the work meek. The meaning should be "strength under control" not someone who is sub-subservient or allows themselves to be walked over. If you use this meaning, the quote make much more sense. I would love for my daughters to grow up having strength under control as opposed to being a doormat for someone.

Re:Instilling values more important

[anagama]

For some context, my mom died 27 years ago, and so when I talk about re-finding that note a year ago, it wasn't like it rekindled memories of something recent -- these are memories from almost three decades ago.

Re:Instilling values more important

[MrBigInThePants]

Ok, a lot of the advice appears to be more about control and manipulation than anything else. As a father of two kids this is a tough one to think about. I cannot imagine going through it so my heart goes out to you.

Just convey how you feel, who you are and your love and trust that she will be awesome. She wont be able to know you in person and form a relationship with you so leave behind who YOU are so she can have that experience in some way.

Don't leave behind a series of lectures...

Just let go and trust that she will make the right decisions.

Don't try and direct/control her - it probably wont work when it counts anyway. Let her make her own way with the knowledge that her father cared about her.

Re: Instilling values more important

[I don't want to spen]

Sympathies to you. Giving her advice is one thing. But she's probably going to be more interested in who you are. Tell her about yourself. What are your favourite books/ films/art/music - and why. what has influenced you the most. What have been your greatest lessons? The last thing you both want is her watching videos of you at big life events and thinking "more lectures from Dad."

Re:Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

The smart should find a way to make it such that there isn't such fierce competition, and that people can relax for once. It'd be the most beneficial for everyone, including themselves.

Re:Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

I think this is good advice. Event-specific or not, the videos can first and foremost be stories about *himself*, and through it, learnings/advice will flow. She can get "parental advice" anywhere, but only he can share first-hand who he was. And that's really what she's losing -- the chance to know him more fully over her whole life.

Re:Instilling values more important

[vemene]

Good points.

However, as to rule-of-thumb aphorisms suitable for habitualizing, I would simply add a couple of things I tell my students regularly:

1. Always keep an open mind, but not so open that all the common sense falls out.

and

2. Remember that since human nature is basically hard-wired in, for better or worse, human culture only changes as a result of new technologies being introduced.

Re:Instilling values more important

[wisnoskij]

How about we just stop telling them what to think and do?

Re: Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

I agree. I am a Muslim, and Islam teaches that the need to deal with the realities of the world NEVER admit scope for abandoning compassion. Contentment with life and it's vicissitudes comes from an unfaltering grasp on solid principles. The nutbags that the media love to promote aside, my co religionists and I find this principle to be a valuable foundation for all human interaction.

I stand next to the first poster in this article. Tell your daughter about the value of human life. Tell her about the primacy of compassion in human dealing. Tell her to always be aware of her values, and not to simply take for granted what the world says she should value.

Most of all, leave her with something of yourself. We all look to our past to understand ourselves, and knowing who you were will help her understand who she is and will become.

May I also offer you whatever comfort I can, as much as an anonymous idiot behind a keyboard has to offer anyway. I hope you and your family find peace and serenity.

Re:Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

For example: blow jobs are a great humanitarian gesture and will get her promoted to boot. Win, win!

Re:Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

Let me guess: you're a Libertarian, Objectivist or both? :-)

Re:Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

congratulations; you're dead inside

Re:Instilling values more important

[Trogre]

Just in case you weren't aware, the full text of that beatitude is:

"Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the Earth".

That does not sound like a cautionary tale.

Re:Instilling values more important

[Heart44]

I agree - connect to your heart and start speaking. You will be remembered for your love - the love your are ready to receive from her and the love your are ready to give to her.

Re:Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

Yep, talk about your graduation, your 21st birthday etc. She can watch those any time she likes. Also don't forget your parents and their parents; later in life she will be more interested in where she came from, often that information is hard to come by and it's not 'first hand', anecdotal knowledge, just records in a file.

Re:Instilling values more important

[x_IamSpartacus_x]

I'm wasting mod points to agree here.

I have a bit of experience in this area. I live in a developing country and house cancer patients in my home. When they are terminal and the hospital cannot help anymore I help them get back to their families (often 1000+ miles away) or offer them a comfortable place to die and bring families to them (resources permitting). The biggest thing that I've found that these families need is to know and be known by their dying father/mother/etc. before the end. The "life advice" is a nice part of that but when I can encourage and facilitate a father opening up to his son or daughter about his past, his failures, his thoughts, his pain, his love, his adventures, his first kiss, his best friends in grade-school, his favorite games of soccer in school, how he met his wife (the child's mother), and any number of other stories... THESE things are what the grown child treasures. OP: I would advise making individual videos that each tell a story from your past. Talk about times you were disappointed. Talk about the humbling secrets that others cannot tell because no one else knew the story but you. If you list off your achievements it means little. Your wife and family members know those. Tell her about when you first learned about science and what joys it brought. Tell her how you felt when you started educating others and the way your heart flipped when you met your wife. Tell her how your almost dropped her when she was born because you were so emotional. Tell her that you knew so little about being a father that you put the diaper on wrong the first few times. Tell her about watching her grow and how frustrating and hard it was to be self-sacrificial for those years and how much it took out of you to do that. Tell her that she was worth so much more than the years you've been given to be self-sacrificial.

These stories and emotions will, I believe, be treasured far more than encouragement to pursue understanding differential equations, elliptic curve encryption, chemical biology, Linux kernel contributions, or any number of geeky things.

Well done for caring about how you leave your family. That is rare and you are to be commended for it. I like to tell my patients that they are not running out of time. They are running into eternity. You don't have to drag your feet in this. There will be tremendous pain and there will be devastating days and nights as your body weakens. You are running into eternity OP. I hope you run your race well.

Spartacus

Re:Instilling values more important

[tehcyder]

Why not just come right out with it and tell her to read the Collected Works of Ayn Rand like they're the Bible?

Re:Instilling values more important

[TWX]

Probably because I support a progressive tax platform and holding corporations and their officers to full account when they do ill, with a nice healthy dose of a short highest-paid to lowest-paid ratio for company employees...

Re: Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

I completely agree. Knowledge is great, but the most important thing to pass on is your tremendous love for her. Good luck, brother.

Re:Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

What's fun with religion is there's SO MANY of them to pick from! If it's criminal to not share such lessons, then you are always a criminal because there's always *some other* pile of fabricated made-up horseshit you HAVE to share, right?

Like how the Catholic hierarchy is filled with millionaires and sexual deviants? Lessons like that?

Yes, Roman Catholics are heretics. I used to be Roman Catholic. I quit and became a Christian. I got over them and so can you.

Re:Instilling values more important

[pnutjam]

This is a great post. This American Life has a cautionary tale about this sort of thing: http://www.thisamericanlife.or....

Basically, the world will change and your daughter will change. Your daughters "virtual instance" of you will also change. If the you of today keeps showing up to stomp all over those changes and you try to impose your will from beyond the grave, it can be damaging.

The most important things to leave, IMHO, are notes of love and compassion. You want your daughter to know that you love her and did everything in your power to give her a good life. In your position, that involves handing that off to someone else, probably your wife, and trusting her. You just need to make sure that the love you feel is always there to comfort your daughter. Don't sully it with expectations and demands.

Re: Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

This is wonderful advice. I hope you are writing a book about your experiences. I would read it!

Re:Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

Amen to this.
She's going to want to know about you. About her family history. Stories about family history. Stories about your experiences when she was a baby or young child.

Do spend some time talking about important crossroads for you-- but what you've learned from them and what you experienced. But remember that her choices may be different- so you don't want to assume what choices she'll make. Maybe she'll never get married. Maybe she'll marry another woman.

Re: Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

how has that shown to be disasterious? yea let kids make their own decisions but also guide them and make sure they own up to their decisions.

you sound like one of those "the internet is bad, lets shut it down for the children" types.

Re:Instilling values more important

[david_thornley]

I'd like to add to this: if your organized religion tells you what to think, find another one. If it encourages questions and independent thought, it may be a good one for you. (Few religious institutions I know of have everything open to change, but many will support people through periods of disagreement with the core tenets.)

Re:Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

Tell her to get an MRI scan every year or two which might detect pancreatic cancer in its early stages...

Re:Instilling values more important

[Keith Henson]

I know it is off topic for your request, but if you have money well beyond what your wife and daughter need, you might consider cryonics. There are two companies out there, Alcor and CI. CI is lower cost, Alcor froze Hal Finney last year.

It may be a long shot, but in your condition, there are not many options--especially if you want a chance to see how your daughter does.

The last person I helped process for Alcor, Dr. Jim Stevenson, died of pancreatic cancer.

Re:Instilling values more important

[HornWumpus]

AC is the smartest.

AC is not in charge.

Ergo no meritocracy.

Re:Instilling values more important

[HornWumpus]

'So what if the meek inherit the earth, we'll just take it back. Bunch of meeks.' Emo Williams

Re:Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

My father died when I was 11. He was a power engineer. I was the oldest child and son. If you can prevent it, don't let her be told that "such and such would make your father proud of you." It is a terrible burden for a young person, to carry the unrequited pride of a lost parent. In any case, for any father, the child doesn't have to do anything, a father's love is unconditional and perhaps eternal. In any case, I feel sure the people that say such things have a healthy intent. But it so unhealthy: It took me decades to unshoulder the burden and to love me for myself. Please give your daughter that gift. And please know that you are preceded by many good parents and children who have engaged in this situation. You are not alone. One day at a time.

Re:Instilling values more important

[JimFive]

i agree with the stories. Not just good and funny stories, though. Tell her every story you can think of about yourself and your life. She's going to be missing a connection with you. Tell her memories about what you did as a kid with your parents, your friends. Tell her about things that you regret and things that you're proud of.

Re:Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

This.

As someone who also lost his father at a young age, videos are important for a couple reasons. One, I cannot tell you quickly you forget little things about the parent as you age -- the way he moved, the sound of his voice, the things that interested or bored him. Two, and I'm very sorry to say this, the image you leave behind at the very end may not be very pleasant. My dad went gaunt and haggard about a month before, and he lost his lucidity about 2 weeks before he passed. It's hard to prevent that from being the enduring image I have of him.

By all means make videos to guide and encourage her, but also make videos about yourself. Tell her jokes that you thought were funny, tell her about stuff in the news and how it made you feel. Do a little skit. Tell her stories from your childhood. Hell, tell her stories from your parents' and grandparents' childhoods. This will help her remember you as you were, which will be way more valuable than advice. I would give almost anything to know again how my dad sounded when he laughed.

Tell her you will always love her in each video. My dad's last words to me were that he was proud of me. It's been 17 years and I still cry when I think about it.

Re:Instilling values more important

[rmdingler]

Be a geek if that suits you, but love yourself, whatever you decide to do with your life.

Be a silver lining person and not a doomsayer.

You are not a special snowflake... unless you are.

Re:Instilling values more important

[RespekMyAthorati]

No, all religions involve faith. And faith is the opposite of reason.

Re:Instilling values more important

[narcc]

I think you replied to the wrong post.

Re:Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

Dear colleague,

Sorry about you.
Just off topic : I have been through a similar ordeal recently, an although God was merciful to me, I had the same thoughts as you about my (far elder) daughter.

What seems most important to me is to try to teach your girl to think with her own mind and to not trust readily the norms that mass media, those in power, our superiors, etc. are trying to impose on us, masking them as our own thoughts.

There is a saying, that one grows up, when he/she stops blaming the others (or the world in general) for his/her own problems.

I know it is no simple task, but it is worth trying. Only in this way your daughter will find her true place in life, where she will feel comfortable and secure.

It may sound weird, but meditation, especially autogenic training, helps a lot in this matter. But NOT WITH A GURU! She should not trust anybody readily.
Or, as my late favorite Jimi Hendrix put it in his "UFO" : "As you all know, you just can't believe everything you hear, can you?! ".

Re:Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

You can structure it however you wish. But a letter for every year of her life for the next 10-12 years, with advice and support, would be something she'd likely cherish. One big letter with everything works too, but it can be hard to take in all at once due to grief. But it's something she is likely to read over and over again.

Don't ask for advice online.

[Anonymous Coward]

Is probably the best advice you could give her.

Re:Don't ask for advice online.

[jellomizer]

My thoughts exactly. Being geeky and techy is what you do, but not necessarily who you are. And asking slashdot where most of us has some sort of personality quirk, that in general makes us bad around people, wouldn't make the best advice.

I wouldn't bother with geeky advice (as it will get out of date quickly. "Remember when swapping drives to bend with the knees so you don't pull your back" just doesn't cut it anymore.) just general advice about life, Things like relationships, life expectations, stating things she doesn't need to feel compelled to do after you die.

Re:Don't ask for advice online.

[JMJimmy]

I would recommend watching the movie "Lucky 7" http://www.imdb.com/title/tt03... - it's only a perspective on this type of situation (the movie follows the daughter's life who lost a mother to cancer and the "life advice" she left). It's overly simplistic but it might spur some ideas that are appropriate for your daughter.

I would also recommend watching the movie "In the Gloaming" http://www.imdb.com/title/tt01... for yourself and this project.

As to advice for what to include, I couldn't begin to think I had any good advice to impart, but I would say this: Let the advice reflect you and your tastes/opinions/perspectives/etc. Outright advice to her might be less useful than something that imparts who you are and allow her to pull what she needs from that - there is no manual for life after all.

Re:Don't ask for advice online.

[penguinoid]

Don't ask for advice online. Is probably the best advice you could give her.

Or, "Don't take life too seriously... it's not like it's permanent."

Re:Don't ask for advice online.

[Archangel Michael]

Not the worst advice, the collective wisdom of /. is both enlightening and sad ... depending on who you're listening to at the moment.

My advice ...

1) Teach her that nothing of great value is easy. If it is easy people don't value it. Don't take the easy path, just because it is easy. Don't avoid the hard path, simply because an easy path is available. You'll miss out on what everyone else is missing, and will not be better off because of it.

Things that are hard to acquire are the things people tend to value more.

2) Learn all you can about everything that interests you. Once you learn something, there is nobody that can take it from you.

3) Make things. Build something, anything. Make something that is hard (see #1), take the time to do it right. You'll learn something (#2) and you'll have something of value in the end. And when you're done, do it again.

4) Value people over things. Don't get attached to things, get attached to quality people. Things can always be taken away, but nobody can take away a friend. Not time, not distance, not anything.

In the end, there is nothing from this world we can take into the next. The only thing we leave is a bit of ourselves behind, in the lives we have impacted, and the things we have built.

Re:Don't ask for advice online.

[Anonymous Coward]

My advice (posting as AC, because this is from experience.)

Get married in your 20s.

After 30, the people who are single are divorcees or people who are not married for a reason, so most of the time you will be picking from the reject bin.

Re:Don't ask for advice online.

[Anonymous Coward]

Considering that, those videos he wants to film for her daughter, those could be related to the geek aspect, too. Not only the humanitarian values, which I would imagine from his description of things that he would put into those videos too.

Re:Don't ask for advice online.

[AntiAntagonist]

I think just the opposite. Marry in your thirties- people are more likely to be emotionally mature.

Re:Don't ask for advice online.

[Kjella]

Or, "Don't take life too seriously... it's not like it's permanent."

At that age it's usually not a problem, you're far more likely to do something reckless and stupid that will have consequences for the rest of your life. I'd at the very least temper it with a bit of "Enjoy today, plan for tomorrow". Sure, life might throw you a curve ball but if act like every day is your last the odds are pretty good that you're wrong and have to live with yesterday.

Re:Don't ask for advice online.

[Fire_Wraith]

Also, it's no longer the norm that everyone marries in their twenties. Most of the people I know who waited until their 30s wound up happier, because they not only had a better idea of what they were looking for in a relationship/partner, but were also more financially stable (as well as emotionally).

Re: Don't ask for advice online.

[Anonymous Coward]

I'm a man who didn't marry until 43. I met a woman who can't tolerate idiots and I was the first she was willing to marry.
True to the gp, there is probably something weird about me that made me unmarriageable. But eventually a perfect match worked out.

What I want to note us I met my wife when she was 39. We only had time for one daughter - but she wanted more.

For a woman, marrying in 20s gives you time to procreate the way you would like.

Re:Don't ask for advice online.

[Anonymous Coward]

My advice (posting as AC, because this is from experience.)

Get married in your 20s.

 
Then get married again in your mid-30s when you figure out who you really are, and can therefore understand who you need to compliment you.
 
Everyone's experience is different. There are no rules which are "The Rule to Live By".

Re:Don't ask for advice online.

[Anonymous Coward]

"Get married in your 20s. After 30, the people who are single are divorcees..." - I assume these divorcees got married when they were in their 20s.

Re:Don't ask for advice online.

[Darinbob]

That's BS. Lots of nice people over 30 not married who would not mind being married. Sometimes the "for a reason" means they're shy and what's wrong with that? Or they don't meet traditional standards of attractiveness (and would you really want to encourage a daughter to be superficial in those respects?).

Very often the reason people over thirty are divorced is because they rushed into a marriage when they were in their twenties. Being divorced does NOT mean you're a reject, it can mean that the other spouse was the idiot who went out and was cheating, or there was abuse in the marriage, or even that they both mutually and amicably agreed that things weren't working. While getting divorced can be sad it can also mean that the second marriage is done right because now there's experience with what went wrong and how to not repeat the mistakes.

You wouldn't tell someone to only hire people who've never been laid off from a job before or who have never left a job. That would be really stupid. There's some similarity to marriage here; does one skim over the resume quickly and hire the person because they seem to have a nice personality (which I have seen done), or do you actually try to figure out what the person is like before committing.

Re:Don't ask for advice online.

[Oxygen99]

You're a dick. Or a troll. Or both. No wonder you're posting as AC. The only rule in life is that there are no rules. You make your own path and the wisdom others seek to enforce on you isn't worth shit against the wisdom you earn for yourself. I've met plenty of people of all ages, male and female, who for one reason or another haven't had access to the same life choices as the rest of us. The best people the OP's daughter will ever meet will be people who don't fit in, who make mistakes, who have regrets, and I choose to post that not as an AC because that's how the world works, not how you're bitter little worldview makes it appear.

The best advice I would give to her is to live her life. Make her mistakes. Don't be like the rest of us and don't be told that's the only path she can take. The worst sin in life is follow in someone else's footsteps. I did and it certainly didn't make me happy.

Re:Don't ask for advice online.

[antdude]

What about a 40 year old male virgin? :P

Re:Don't ask for advice online.

[Anonymous Coward]

If you live in Murica then get married in your 20s; however, if you live in a large metropolitan area get married in your 30s. The reason for the delay is that if you and or your wife have a PhD, then you're graduating around age 27, you'll want to get to know each other and establish your career.

Re:Don't ask for advice online.

[Anonymous Coward]

Sorry you ended up in the bin...

Re:Don't ask for advice online.

[Anonymous Coward]

what, no, she can't marry, the most important thing she exists to do is pretend to be a man to support government propaganda. Reproducing is the last thing she's here for - what are you, midieval? - especially not reproducing and creating more horrible oppressive white people.

Re:Don't ask for advice online.

[Anonymous Coward]

"Teach her that nothing of great value is easy"

Is breathing of great value? Is it easy?

Re:Don't ask for advice online.

[penguinoid]

Yeah, I hadn't expected people would think that was insightful, given that it would be insensitive and redundant advice to give from one's deathbed to a child. I was going more with at "let me give you and example of the dangers of asking for advice online, especially social advice from nerds" kind of joke. Although I suppose getting modded insightful kind of underscores that point. Though I do imagine anyone nerdy enough to ask for advice online is also capable of ignoring this sort of thing.

If I were going to give actual advice on this subtopic, it would be more along the lines of "Life's shorter than people who put off doing important things would think, but longer than people who don't worry about the future would expect."

Re:Don't ask for advice online.

[rhazz]

Eeep, I'm sorry you had a bad experience, but marrying younger makes you far more likely to get divorced and end up in the "reject bin" you speak of. http://www.thecanadianencyclop... Much better advice (statistically), would be to suggest living with someone for several years BEFORE getting married.

Re:Don't ask for advice online.

[Anonymous Coward]

I found my best wife in my 40's.

Reject bin - yup plenty of them. My ex is now in that bin - I hope you find her ! ;-)

Re:Don't ask for advice online.

[Anonymous Coward]

I think you should clarify #1 for that specific moment in her life where she's in college and starting to suspect that maybe she chose the wrong field because it seems too hard.

Remember: Everyone else is just as smart as you, they might lie to make it seem like things come easily to them, but they're probably just cheating. Your struggle will be rewarded if you stick with it. It will not be rewarded (at least in this world, maybe you will gain some insight into yourself) if you quit.

Re:Don't ask for advice online.

[q4Fry]

I disagree profoundly with you (and slightly with GP). You will find that there are indeed rules in life, and failure to conform to them begets consequences.

I do agree that she should live her life and make her mistakes, but where I differ is this: if she can make fewer mistakes, she'll be the better for it.

In my estimation, the worst sin in life is believing you have a monopoly on the truth.

Re:Don't ask for advice online.

[rdnetto]

I think this can be generalized to: dating is a game of statistics. Think about what traits are correlated with what demographics to maximise your chances of success.

Interactive

[eedwardsjr]

I would make several videos on the each subject with decision trees. You stated your wife is technology minded. She should be able to craft them into an interactive video format. e.g. the old books with a "Yes, turn to page x or No, turn to page y". Love them both much as possible while you can.

Re:Interactive

[ranton]

If my father had a set of videos like this for me to see after he died, I would want to watch every video anyway. If he had a video about what to do if I became a farmer (a route I didn't take) I would still want to watch another unique moment he took the time to create for me.

Re:Interactive

[Anonymous Coward]

Then maybe he should have fun with it:
In the event of Zombie Apocalypse . . .

Re:Interactive

[Anonymous Coward]

Then maybe he should have fun with it:
In the event of Zombie Apocalypse . . .

Oh dude that's just tactless.

Re:Interactive

[Anonymous Coward]

Not really. I bet his daughter would LOVE to stumble across that among other stuff he left. First advice should be, "If I should rise from the dead, remember to double tap!"

Re:Interactive

[im_thatoneguy]

Yes! Do this!

And then make a bunch of completely ridiculous ones too.

"If you're watching this video, Aliens have invaded New York."
"If you're watching this video, Charlie Sheen just accepted the Academy award for best actor."

Have some fun with these! They should't all be serious. Some of the best moments we have with loved ones are just silly rediculous things.

Re:Interactive

[Anonymous Coward]

In other words he should make Superman's crystals from his parents on Krypton?

Best advice

[Anonymous Coward]

Life is hard, then it sucks.

Re: Best advice

[Anonymous Coward]

Two lasting touchstones you need to leave behind;
1) simply tell her you love her. Not why or elaborate reasoning just pure intimate simple unequivocal truth.
2) give to her your confidence, respect and trust that she's earned. She needs to hear from you in your words why you leave in peace, confident in her, trust her judgement and respect her by not leaving a wealth of well intentioned but brittle parental directives that can only show a moment in time that passed.

terminal illness

[Anonymous Coward]

I've read slashdot for many years and this is the only thing on it that's made me cry, not that I have anything insightful to say.

Re:terminal illness

[Anonymous Coward]

At least I'm not the only one.

Re:terminal illness

[lorenlal]

And this post will be something to remind her that her dad, down the stretch, thought of her future and how to do something for her. I think that's as good a gift as anything.

All I can come up with is, "Just do your best."

Re:terminal illness

[Anonymous Coward]

I never post "me too" replies, but: "me too"

Re:terminal illness

[c0d3g33k]

I agree. This might be the only story I can recall in several decades of reading ./ that actually qualifies for the term "stuff that matters". All the best, story submitter. All the best.

Re:terminal illness

[Anonymous Coward]

Clearly you never read anything by APK.

Re:terminal illness

[nurd68]

Me too. Posts like this are why, every night I can (and it's rare that I can't), I come home and we eat dinner as a family, and I try to play with the kids between dinner and bedtime. Anything else I need to do, I can do after they go to bed. It can wait, because this is more important.

I guess the only advice I have, having had a father who was never around (not dead, just working long term contracts far from home) is to tell your daughter that you love her, and that you're proud of her, and that you hope she is happy, doing whatever she chooses.

I think that is the only thing that you can really count on being relevant to her life as she gets older.

Re:terminal illness

[Anonymous Coward]

Absolutely.

Re:terminal illness

[zipz0p]

I've read slashdot for many years and this is the only thing on it that's made me cry, not that I have anything insightful to say.

You and me both.

I will add this: Very recently, I lost my mother to metastatic, triple-negative breast cancer (the prognosis for that condition is similar to the OPs). The greatest takeaway I have from her is to seize life, and to love life. She loved to learn, lived intentionally, and well, she pursued what she wanted in life fearlessly. Teaching your child (by example) that life is great (though it can be awful at times), and to make the most of it, is a wonderful lesson. Best of luck to you, and sorry for your loss.

Re:terminal illness

[The-Ixian]

I agree, I don't even have any kids, but this made me cry.
 
I think that this is probably the best trait any human can have: compassion.

Re:terminal illness

[XNormal]

The only thing that made you cry? Try this:

Voices From The Hellmout

Re:terminal illness

[Anonymous Coward]

I know how you feel. We all knew this day would eventually come, and now we finally got a submission that isn't riddled with spelling and grammatical errors.

Re:terminal illness

[wisnoskij]

If this is what you consider "stuff that matters" I would suggest getting a copy of the obituaries. Newspapers put them out daily, and there are literally millions of them.

Re:terminal illness

[Anonymous Coward]

As someone who has followed /. from the early day, I fully agree. This is the first story to make me cry and I have nothing useful to add to the conversation. Best of luck and god speed!!! I have a family with two young daughters and I can only imagine! Love them! and your wife too! She will be suffering with you! Damn I can't stop crying...

Re:terminal illness

[dgatwood]

I'd also tell her about your illness, and tell her what you tried, just in case it is congenital. The more detail, the better. It might save her life someday.

Also, if you haven't already, you should check to see if you qualify for any of the immunotherapy trials going on. Search here if you haven't already.

Re:terminal illness

[c0d3g33k]

If this is what you consider "stuff that matters" I would suggest getting a copy of the obituaries. Newspapers put them out daily, and there are literally millions of them.

You know, you could have typed your message, enjoyed the cathartic effect of a little bit of snark, then clicked "Cancel". But no.

Since I'm dignifying you with a response, I'll point out that once the obituary is published, it's too late. You missed the point entirely.

Re:terminal illness

[Anonymous Coward]

I've read slashdot for many years and this is the only thing on it that's made me cry, not that I have anything insightful to say.

I have to agree wholeheartedly; written through my tears. Your daughter will know that she is loved and cherished. That's really all she'll need!

Re:terminal illness

[Anonymous Coward]

At risk of not taking this seriously (but I am) I will cite a story of the Ashkenazic as a parable:
And old man on his deathbed calls his children in to give him his last distillation of the wisdom gleaned over a lifetime. He raises his voice above a whisper, looks each of them in the eye, and says with emphasis, "It's all nonsense, all of it, except for the Torah!!" and falls back, eyes shut. A minute later, he opens his eyes, looks at the again, and adds, "Also, the Torah is nonsense!" and passes away.

Books

[Amorymeltzer]

Give her some book ideas. Books that my father (and mother) suggested to me growing up, even if I didn't read them until years later, were much more worthwhile, especially the ones they said had an impact on them, or remembered particularly. Books create a deep connection that will last beyond any one person's lifetime.

I'm so sorry for you and your family. This is a wonderfully sweet idea, your daughter is incredibly lucky.

Re:Books

[Krishnoid]

Great idea; I'd provide them as a text list, and save the video for stuff that benefits from nonverbal cues.

Re:Books

[arth1]

This is a wonderfully sweet idea, your daughter is incredibly lucky.

I'm not too sure. I lost my father when I was young. I think that if he had made a video for me, I would find it more than a little creepy, as well as being a forceful reminder of what I had lost. It would not make me happy; it would make me cry in pain, and perhaps even feel controlled.

Unless he can make it a Haron Seldon tape, to play only during special occurrences, I think the best answer might be not to.

If you want her to be able to let go, perhaps the best thing is for you to let go.

Re:Books

[anagama]

I lost my mom -- had the same reaction you had. For me, the tapes would have become a huge burden and source of anxiety.

And it's been a while since I read the Foundation Series, but didn't Hari Seldon's eventually diverge from current events? Even he couldn't manage a perfect set of videos.

Re:Books

[Anonymous Coward]

This is a wonderfully sweet idea, your daughter is incredibly lucky.

His daughter is incredibly unlucky, but it seems he's making the best of a pretty shitty situation.

Re:Books

[jijitus]

Books, movies, music, and every other cultural product that defines *you*, and believe she should experience. Might be so much better that she receives a list of best books from you than from a generic source. Create recommendations for her at different ages, and if possible explain how important they were for you when you read/watched/listened to them. My best wishes for you, anon

Re:Books

[rhazz]

This is interesting. I was not close to my father when he died (I was about 20), which I regret very much now, and I would absolutely love to come across any videos of him talking about anything. I recently rewatched a video from his second marriage ceremony. Certainly I cried, it made me sad, but it enriched me to see video of him as a happy person. Afterwards I felt closer to him. I would love to see videos of him talking about things he did in his life.

I wonder if your view on this depends on how close you were to a relative before they died. Those who were close don't want to be reminded of what is missing?

Re:Books

[anagama]

I think you make a very good point. I wasn't close to my grandparents and I would very much like to have heard about their lives. My mom and I had a close relationship and I'm glad I don't have a bunch of videos for exactly the reason you say -- it would be too much ... too much something. Don't know how to say it.

There's an interesting This American Life about a person who's mother left a pile of letters to be opened once per year on the daughter's birthday, and one for her wedding. It started out very good, but ended not so great (see Act 1) ("... you shouldn't be dragged back into the grave with them every year ...):

http://www.thisamericanlife.or...

So I started this post, listened again to that TAL episode, and coming back to this post, will sort of disagree with what I said at first. I still think periodic mailing is a bad idea, but maybe the poster could make the videos, but they would be given to the daughter immediately after the funeral, and in a whole pile all at once (backups kept somewhere in case of accidental or intentional destruction). Then in the future, if she chooses, she can watch what she wants -- all, some, or none. This leaves watching as a choice she may or may not exercise -- in contrast, the periodic shipment seems like it has a good chance of becoming a source of resentment and pain (i.e., why should a ghost appear on the wedding to potentially create great sadness or feelings of being a disappointment or whatever).

Backups

[MightyMait]

Remind her to make frequent, automated backups of her data and to periodically check those backups manually.

Re:Backups

[MightyMait]

I know it's very mundane, but hopefully, it'll save her some unnecessary grief down the road.

Re:Backups

[Sechr Nibw]

Should he punctuate this by having his wife make some deliberately corrupted video right after saying that, with a "backup" video file that isn't corrupted?

Re:Backups

[Anonymous Coward]

Oooh! That would be a great "teachable moment".

Believe in yourself.

[Anonymous Coward]

That's the biggest most important thing I could say to my son in this situation.
Believe in yourself. At the point that things are darkest, have the faith and confidence to know that you'll survive it and most likely come out better in the long run.
Take those challenges. Fight your way to those goals, no matter how lofty because you CAN.

Also, when people try to sap your ambition or imagination, curb check them immediately. There is NO room in your life for doubters and wet blankets.

Most of all, love yourself and those around you as deeply and as often as you can. There will be a last time you see every person in your life. Treat each encounter with them like it is.

Re:Believe in yourself.

[eaddict]

"There will be a last time you see every person in your life. Treat each encounter with them like it is"

Awesome advice. Came close once when I was in a motorcycle accident. A car hit me. Luckily I woke up at the ER.

Re:Believe in yourself.

[Anonymous Coward]

Adding to that, make sure she understands that these videos are just advice and that she is free to choose her own path. Doing something that would make you proud is optional. She'll want to do that as it is, don't chart a path for her, give her options.

Re:Believe in yourself.

[Anonymous Coward]

Car accident when I was 12. Came to in the back seat of a random hero who pulled me out of the burning car.

Re:Believe in yourself.

[BarbaraHudson]

Be true to yourself. You have only one life to live, don't waste trying to meet everyone else's expectations.

As for the videos, still photos are better. Photos let her remember her the way she imagines / wants to believe, and can serve as a starting point for other people telling her stories about you. Videos just ruin the experience, and are kind of creepy when they are "messages from beyond."

Teenage Years

[whistlingtony]

I'd tell her that her teenage years might be rough. I'd tell her not to worry about them and that life gets better in college, where you're surrounded by people that WANT to be there.

I'd tell her that she's going to feel a lot of pressure from the people around her to be "normal", and that's hogwash. She'll be told to look a certain way, act a certain way, and that there's a LOT of pressure to not be happy so she'll buy makeup or clothes so she can BE happy, but that that is BS and doesn't work.

I'd tell her that most of the people in the world don't know what they're doing with their lives. They're going through the motions and hoping no one else notices that they're lost. The people that make choices about what they want to do with their lives are the ones that are really happy, because their life has meaning. Tell her to do whatever she wants with her life, and you'll be happy if she's happy and lives her life well.

Tell her dating is a skill, and like any skill you learn it by fucking up a few times... Her first love won't be her last. There will be awkwardness and some small amount of stupidity, but you learn from that and you get better at it and eventually you figure out who you are, who you want to be, and then you find someone that you want to share your life with.

Tell her that another person can't complete her, ever. That's her job. She can't complete someone else. That's their job.

Other than that, I'd just spill your guts on random life lessons you've learned. :D Every word will be a treasure to her, so don't skimp on the trivial stuff!

Re:Teenage Years

[Aviation Pete]

I came to say the same. Glad to see you did it, and you did it well.

What I might add: If she has a sharp mind, she will have moments in her life where this will bring her in trouble with other, less bright people. Tell her that only the dimmest minds are sure of their opinion, and explain Dunning-Kruger to her. Tell her that people's opinions are made subconsciously, and that the mind will only put a veneer of reason on top. She should be aware of that, accept her doubts, and watch her own decision process. This took myself a while to learn, and I wished I had understood this earlier.

And tell her stories from your past. Funny or sad, they will give her a fuller picture of you.

Re:Teenage Years

[BanteringCTO]

Well done.

Re:Teenage Years

[Anonymous Coward]

Tell her dating is a skill, and like any skill you learn it by fucking up a few times

Interesting choice of words.

Re:Teenage Years

[Anonymous Coward]

I'd also add that we tend to take people who love us for granted and that they should be valued as much as those who we love, if not more.

My Father

[Mister Transistor]

Wrote me several letters when I was too young to read or understand them about things he wanted to let me know about in later life. He was not sick at the time and had no idea his life would be cut short by Multiple Sclerosis several years afterward. On his death, going through his files, I discovered the letters and they were very touching and helpful to me especially getting through the crisis of his passing. It let me know that as I was growing up and he was taken away by work and other responsibilities that he was still thinking of me even though at the time he seemed to be otherwise occupied. It also helped me to realize he was a person, a human being and not just "Dad", and helped me to understand and overlook some of his flaws. They did me a lot of good, whether or not he realized it at the time. I highly recommend doing this while you can. Your daughter will thank you and know you better as a person as a result, and not just have to rely on memories, photos and stories related by friends, etc. after you are gone.

I hope that helps a bit, a view from the other side...

Re:My Father

[Anonymous Coward]

With my father my biggest regret is not asking him to write these when we knew his cancer was terminal.

I had great plans to teach him how to use his webcam to record videos for me and my kids and the cancer just took over. XKCD is of course relevant. Twice

Write letters. Hard drives fail, websites go out of business. A letter photocopied and put a few places should survive most things.

Re:My Father

[Anonymous Coward]

perhaps get some friends to help you. you could make several videos where you sit together with a friend and talk about your youth, stories, things like that. Sit with your wife and discuss your first date, the day you found out she was pregnant, the first time this, or that, etc. It all doesn't have to be advice, just seeing you and learning about who you are will be very nice for your daughter.

Re:My Father

[Anonymous Coward]

My you live what time you have left to its fullest. My father died of pancreatic cancer 5 months ago after a short, but valiant 6 month battle. He rarely complained about his condition as he was most worried about my mother was dealing with his illness. If I can offer any advise as a son it would be the following:
Provide details about your life as they will be long cherished.
  - This is especially true for the details that your daughter my not know yet such as how you met your wife, where was your first date and what were your first
      impressions.
- Information on your schools years, friends, sports and hobbies is something probably only you can provide and they will give your daughter a fuller picture of who
    you were and how you became the person she knows as her dad.
- If you can, provide commentary on the family photo album. Many of the pictures will have meaning to only you and words will provide not only their description
    but also give insights as to why they had significance to you.
- Pack a box of memorabilia you want her to have and, if possible, write down why you chose to give it to her.
And the most important piece of advice (and I hope you have the time to read all comments) is to do as much as you can as quickly as possible. If there is palliative surgery on the horizon its recovery is difficult and the quality of life afterwards is diminished, with the same to be said about both radiation and chemo therapy. Eventually the pain medication and lack of nourishment both conspire to leave you tired and fatigued for longer and longer periods of time. Time is truly of the essence.

My heartfelt sympathies to you and your family.

Advice for all

[Nos.]

It's okay to say "I don't know" in almost every situation if you really don't know the answer, especially following it up with "I'll find out and let you know".
Obviously this won't work well on tests and the like, but in everyday life nobody has all the answers.

Give a "Last Lecture"

[davidwr]

Ask her school if you can give a Last Lecture to them and, if you choose to put it online, to 6th-grade students everywhere.

DYI

[Anonymous Coward]

This seems like a very personal thing to do.
Are you sure it is a good idea to ask slashdot for ideas? It seems to me like it would be better if every idea or thought came from you.
If your daughter wants the advice of slashdot there is nothing but the toxicity of the people here (And possibly technical issues with beta.) that prevents her from seeking that advice herself.

Re:DYI

[silveride]

I got to say this post is getting increasingly interesting. Better than any other I read in slashdot.

Long Term contact...

[retech]

Depending on how she is as a person, this may or may not be something to consider...

Set up a mailserver for her and your wife. You may very well have your own domain and mail already. But just ask some friends to help to ensure this will last a long time.

Then I'd suggest a series of short messages as well that could go on a very long time. Video, yes, by all means. But even some emails. Start writing down stuff now as it comes to you. The first time you remember getting in trouble. The first time you had chocolate. Or the first time you had a drink of alcohol. Anything. Everything that sticks out to you as a story. Don't preach. Don't try to impart anything. Just be you in your own voice. Talk to her like you would anyone you love. She'll find wisdom and encouragement in those things. We are only the stories we tell. Facts can be found anywhere. Information is handed out freely. But it's the connections we share with the people we love that give meaning to all of it. Give her the chance to have your stories unfold like they naturally would. Who knows what she'll be doing at 30 when that email finds her. Personally I'd laugh, cry, and be happy to have another tale from my father.

Re:Long Term contact...

[Anonymous Coward]

That would just freak me the fuck out. Seriously. Random e-mails coming in from dead relatives?

Re:Long Term contact...

[Anonymous Coward]

You really want him to spend his final days setting up some complicated and fault-intollerant rube goldberg machine?

Re: Long Term contact...

[pollarda]

Perhaps one thing that you can share with her is _your_ own history. Tell her about your years growing up and the things you learned at every stage. A contemplative history of your life would be very valuable to her. Tell the stories of when you went fishing with your grandparents when you were five. Tell her about what you remember of your great grandparents if you ever met them. What books you enjoyed and why. Tell her the stories that will be lost and that she will never be able to hear otherwise. Tell her of your first love and your first loss. Tell her what made you as a person. One of the saddest things about my grandparents for me (they all having passed away) is that I can never ask them questions about their lives. It came as a huge surprise for me long after my grandfather passed away that I found out he played a key roll in the Apollo program and saved the program tons of money. (He noticed at the last moment that the blueprints had the various stages diameters off by one foot. he was the last person to see the blueprints prior to manufacture so if he hadn't seen it they would have next noticed when they put the stages together. Boy would I love to hear that story directly.) Tell those stories. Tell the story of her birth and recount the precious moments of her childhood she will likely forget. My heart goes out to you and it says a lot about you as a father and husband that you'd take on a project like this. Oh, and don't forget your wife.

Re:Long Term contact...

[Anonymous Coward]

There is a lot to be said about writing letters to someone for after you have died. But I don't know if email is the best format, and I'm not talking about the usual email vs. letter arguments of style, etc. People deal with loss in different ways and with different pacing. It would be weird enough to get emails every so often from some who passed away, but could be bothersome if a person still hasn't dealt with things yet.

Letters in a physical box, even if in electronic format, would let someone pace things on their own. They might decide to read things on a schedule you had in mind, or peak early. Or they might hide if for a couple years why still mentally figuring things out and trying to deal with something. Or maybe they want to avoid stuff all together for a long time. But the box will be there for them to come back to and catch up if they so decide. Having to file away a stream of emails is psychologically a lot more involved than putting a box away for later use.

Re: Long Term contact...

[brausch]

I agree. Tell her about your life. My dad died young. I was the oldest of the kids and they loved hearing stories I could tell about Dad that they never got a chance to hear/experience.

As far as advice for her, just emphasize that in the long run effort usually outweighs raw ability. The most likely road to success in life is to choose a career you like and work at being the best you can be. As a parent now, my spouse and I praised effort much more than results when the kids were young. We can see the results in our older children. They don't give up easily.

Re:Long Term contact...

[LinuxIsGarbage]

Depending on how she is as a person, this may or may not be something to consider...

Set up a mailserver for her and your wife. You may very well have your own domain and mail already. But just ask some friends to help to ensure this will last a long time.

This approach sounds overly complicated and very likely to result in failure (server failure, changed email address, etc).

A simpler approach would be letters in envelopes with "open on" dates. Give to her mother to release as time passes.

Videos?

[YrWrstNtmr]

Why not spend that actual time with her now?

Re:Videos?

[Anonymous Coward]

I expect his daughter has things like school that she has to do. Even just two months is time that you can't reasonably expect 100% of an 11 year old's time, no matter how dire.

Re:Videos?

[Anonymous Coward]

Why does it have to be one or the other?

Re:Videos?

[SecurityGuy]

Nothing about preparing videos for his daughter implies that he's NOT spending time with her now.

For those who don't have kids, you can't spend every waking minute with them. They don't even WANT that. I have a very young child who sometimes just wants time with mommy. Sometimes she wants me and not mommy. As they get older, kids spend time with friends and their own interests (note that the OP's child is in 6th grade). I suspect there's plenty of time to record videos when the daughter is doing other things, not home, etc.

Re:Videos?

[sycodon]

Scientist and Educator.

He can teach her over the course of six months than the Public Schools can teach her in several years...all time with him.

Take her out of school, go on the road and educate her about life.

Re:Videos?

[will.perdikakis]

Perhaps she is too young to hear everything that he has to say right now.

Watching the video at a more appropriate time/age could have a lasting impression.

Re:Videos?

[Anonymous Coward]

Take her out of school, go on the road and educate her about life.

Interesting idea, and maybe a good one. I'd ask her how she felt about that first, though. She's probably having a hard enough time dealing with this as it is, and school might be a needed break for her to focus on something else for a while.

Re:Videos?

[Anonymous Coward]

This guy absolutely will not have the physical stamina to do that.

He doesn't have a head cold, he's DYING of cancer.

Self Posession

[H3lldr0p]

If nothing else, she needs to be taught that she is self-possessed. That this is her life, her body, her decisions. That what other people may want of her can be considered, even negotiated around, but that in the end it is what she wants that should count the most.

She is going to be pulled in many directions, face many things that you and your wife have already passed through and have only the fleetest memories of. To navigate those and other unforeseeable difficulties the best thing that can be bequeathed her is an unshakable sense of self. It will help her through doubts and tribulations. It will be assailed by everything and everyone around her, tempting her to be things she is not. Which is why it is so very important that she has it, holds on it, and knows when to reinvent it.

Live the present, not the future

[turning in circles]

Hi, A friend of mine was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer, Stage 4, and he spent the next 6 months lecturing his sons (grades 5 and 8) and getting them to promise to be good. I hated to watch him do it because it put a tremendous extra burden on them. One year later, I would have to say the sons are not being "good." The burden of living up to Dad's expectations was overwhelming, I think. I lost my father the summer after 6th grade. I remember him telling me I could do anything I wanted, after he listened to me sing, "I am Woman, hear me Roar," probably slightly off key, and telling him I wanted to be a rock star. You won't be there in person in the future, but you are there now. Love her every day as if there is no tomorrow, thinking about today's concerns. Respond to her questions today. She's not ready for the future now, but trust that you've given her enough by who you are and she will be when she gets there.

Of course, you can always read the Last Lecture, and do what that tells you to do.


-A geeky scientist Mom

Re:Live the present, not the future

[Anonymous Coward]

Nice, one of the few replies to this that's not typical /. assburgers.

Re:Live the present, not the future

[dpidcoe]

Of course, you can always read the Last Lecture, and do what that tells you to do.

Heh, I clicked this story with the idea of mentioning that book as the author was pretty much in exactly the OPs situation. Glad to see someone else was thinking along the same lines.

Re:Live the present, not the future

[bjs555]

This is a good response to your question. Too many of the other responses show that Asperger's Syndrome isn't uncommon among technical people (I'm not sure I can exclude myself).

I want to tell you that you have already given your daughter something that is very important. You say that she has an inquisitive mind and an interest in science and that is likely due to your example as someone with those qualities as well. She will have a happy life with that outlook. The world is such an interesting place if you take time to look and think carefully about it.

Don't Waste Time Making films

[sycodon]

You can do a lot in two months, even more in six.

Take a vacation. See things you both have wanted to see.

Impart your wisdom in person while admiring the view at Yellowstone, Yosemite, from the deck of the Empire State Building, or the Eiffel Tower.

One second with her in person = years of films.

Re:Don't Waste Time Making films

[Anonymous Coward]

Seconded.

Re:Don't Waste Time Making films

[sandytaru]

Going to agree on this. The most important memory I have with my father was the time he took me to an observatory. We stayed up until 3AM watching the stars. It was the first time I had seen the night sky without light pollution. He encouraged me when I said I wanted to work for NASA, but it was this action that I remember the most. An hour of driving, a few gallons of gas, and a free Saturday night at a state park observatory - I never felt as loved, cherished, or supported as I did that night. I lost my father when I was 21.

Re:Don't Waste Time Making films

[Anonymous Coward]

Bingo. She'll remember the times you took her fishing more than any amount of films. Don't be overbearing with the fatherly advice, either. That'll come naturally.

No offense, but leave all the high-sounding feminist advice to...the propagandists. Instead show her how a real man lives and dies. Do that and I'll pray for a miracle for you.

Re:Don't Waste Time Making films

[ugen]

This, I'd mod this up.

I love technology as much as the next guy on /., but that's not what makes a human or a human relationship. We are all living but for a limited time, the only question is just how limited.

Spend time with your children now. While you still can - go somewhere with your daughter, take her out of school if necessary. Take a trip to all the places you (and/or, especially, her) wanted to see but couldn't, do things together - go fishing or skiing or walk through Tokyo, whatever you can, while you can. There is nothing like building a shared experience. People live in the memory of those around them - the more of those memories the better.

Your daughter may or may not grow up to be a "geek". She may (and probably should) find her own path in life. But she will remember you for whatever you do now.

If you feel she needs a "hard record" of ut for later - take a few videos, while you do it.

Re:Don't Waste Time Making films

[SecurityGuy]

I actually disagree. Writing things down or recording them is great, because we forget. I always thought it was a little nuts to go to events and spend them taking pictures, videos, etc. BE there, don't be the videographer. As time has gone by, though, I've come to realize if I had all those artifacts to refresh my memory over the years, I'd remember them a lot better.

An uncle died when I was 7. Great guy, I remember that. I remember what he looked like, but in my mind, he looks a exactly like the picture on my grandmother's wall, so I think I've lost any real memory of his face. I replaced it with the version I see a few times a year. I have no idea what his voice sounded like even though I used to see him all the time.

So yes, go do wonderful things, but also take pictures and make videos. If you were my dad, I'd appreciate that gift, especially later in life, and not just for the wisdom, just for the memories.

Re:Don't Waste Time Making films

[Anonymous Coward]

Yeah memories don't work as well as videos.

Also, they're not mutually exclusive.

Re:Don't Waste Time Making films

[vinn]

I disagree too. My grandfather died of cancer when I was young and he spent A LOT of time with me those last few years. I look back and I know he did it to pass some wisdom on to the next generation, but unfortunately it's thirty years later and my memory of that stuff is pretty thing. The stuff I remember isn't as much as I want it to be. There were also some things I was just too young to understand and I wish he would have had a way to let me know. I love the book idea above - I really wish I knew what he enjoyed reading. He also had some pretty formative events in his life and I wish I knew what he thought of those.

Now, just be realistic - record these videos late at night after she's gone to bed or in school.

Re:Don't Waste Time Making films

[Anonymous Coward]

>> I lost my father when I was 21.

Did you try looking under the sofa? I always find my lost stuff there.

Re:Don't Waste Time Making films

[LinuxIsGarbage]

I actually disagree. Writing things down or recording them is great, because we forget. I always thought it was a little nuts to go to events and spend them taking pictures, videos, etc. BE there, don't be the videographer. As time has gone by, though, I've come to realize if I had all those artifacts to refresh my memory over the years, I'd remember them a lot better.

I try as best I can to strike a balance. I try to focus on the experience first, and photos/videos second. I try to take quick snapshots that don't take me long, and I try to capture quick videos to capture the moment, not vlogs. It is amazing to go back through the "roll" of photos from trips gone by, one by one, and to have emotions and memories come flooding back as you relive the trip.

Honestly for all the talk of trying to preserve your entire library of 245,346 photos for great great grand children, I'm the only one that gets the flood of memories viewing them. Most people would be bored beyond a few strategic photos of my life.

Re:Don't Waste Time Making films

[QuasiEvil]

As someone who will lose his father in the next couple years, there aren't enough mod points in the world for the parent comment. Go do things together. The memories of doing stuff together are more valuable than any amount of messages he could leave me. I've watched his health decline steadily for the last five years, knowing that eventually it would kill him (and since it's genetic and I'm also a carrier, it'll kill me in about thirty years as well), and I've realized that I wouldn't trade the memories - vacations, fishing, hell, even building fences - for anything. I live about a thousand miles from my parents at this point, but I still make an effort to talk to them at least once a week and spend a few days with them every month or two. His breathing has now gotten bad enough that he can't travel, so I'm glad we did so much while he was able to get out and do things.

I'd spend time with her now while you're still in good condition and able to do so. The months of watching you get worse are going to be very hard for her, and the memories will be worth their weight in gold. Don't delay until you're too sick to make it happen.

If you want to leave her with a few thoughts, I'd write a letter or two. Those will be far more durable than any digital form, and will be a tangible object to tie the memories back to.

I've thought about this too...

[Anonymous Coward]

I wouldn't try to anticipate what she may run into in her life. I would spend my time talking to her about my own life. I think my own experiences would always be relevant to her in some way.

My list:

[Anonymous Coward]

#1 Never eat yellow snow.
#2 Don't try to explain things to a manager - although they look human, beneath their skin beats the cold dead heart of an idiot.
#3 If given the choice of two jobs - one which you love and one which pays well use the one that pays well as leverage to increase the pay of the one you love.
#4 Never let the bastards grind you down

Wow

[Anonymous Coward]

Tell her that life is full of challenges and great rewards. No matter what obstacles get in her way, she can get past them. The rewards are worthy of the struggles. Tell her how much you love her and how much she means to you. Tell her you will always be there with her.

I wish you the best.

Videos for future moments

[glaese]

You might consider video taping your reaction/commentary as if you were there for possible moments in moments to major events that happen to most of us. Wedding, New Job, Graduation from High School, Graduation from College, Birth of a child, etc. Then you would have someone queued up to provide these videos at a proper moment in time. That would certainly keep you connect in your daughter's life. Maybe even a video from you to your grandkids talking about how you were as a child. Your likes, dislikes and even funny habits you might have had. I am so very glad you have shared this time of your life with us. Thank you very much.

Re:Videos for future moments

[GateGuy]

I was thinking along this same path. I was thinking recording singing happy birthday, for each birthday up to 21. Maybe sing some Christmas Carols (or whatever religion you might practice). Try to do some videos that would be joke related, meaning you provide the joke on video (and then pause) your wife responds (in real life) and you provide punch line (on video). Might actually great fun.

Re:Videos for future moments

[MobyDisk]

I fear it wound sound phony and disingenuous. It would also add pressure to do those things, and a moral quandry to play them or not if they decided not to do those things.

Re:Videos for future moments

[Anonymous Coward]

I think an introductory video for your potential grand kids is a great idea. Just maybe 30 minutes or so of you describing yourself as a person. I'd love to have that for grandparents I've never met.

Re:Videos for future moments

[MobyDisk]

Please don't take offense, but I recommend against this. Those videos might be heart wrenching to watch after a while. Perhaps it would be better to sing with the child now, and take a video of that. Then the child has a memory of his/her father to look back on, rather than an expectation to watch a video every year.

Here's why I say this: Dispensing advice via video makes sense, because the child may not be ready to hear certain things. But who are the videos for? The living or the deceased? At some point, children need to move on. Holidays should be happy events surrounded by living people, looking forward to the future. I don't think I would want a reminder like this every year. Imagine seeing the same person, at the same age, with the same voice, singing the same birthday song every year. It would be a reminder of loss, of the unfairness of life and the detriments of aging. (Sorry if that got too philosphical.)

Re:Videos for future moments

[glaese]

Very true. It would have to be up to the caretaker to know whether a specific recording would be pertinent to the moment and share (or not share) depending upon it's appropriateness. You would have to make quite a few variants :-) Take a moment to watch a movie called the "Ultimate Gift" Not exactly the same situation, but a good (fictional) example of someone with ingenuity and a good friend.

Re:Videos for future moments

[Translation Error]

You can also include some more generic moments, like 'I support you,' 'I know you're going through a difficult time, but it'll get better and I love you,' etc..
You might want to include several 'shocking news reaction' videos where you do spit takes.
Oh, and whatever you do, make sure you never say anything like, "I was just talking to your mother..." when recording these.

(Yes, I'm making light of a serious situation, but sometimes that's the healthiest thing to do.)

Re:Videos for future moments

[Anonymous Coward]

If you do this, consider NOT having someon queued up to pass them on at appropriate times, as you're doing two things:

1. Inserting yourself as opposed to letting her go to them when she needs/wants them. What you're doing is beautiful and should be done, but you don't know where her mindset will always be... sometimes she might want to watch them before, or after, but not have it in her head during. We can't know, so leave it up to her.

2. Setting up disappiontment when some event happens you didn't forsee and she hopes/wishes a video would show up.

I really do think what you're doing is beautiful. I think the most important thing (geek stuff aside) is to make it clear that she is loved and valued and cherished, and that your going away isn't by your choice. And that even though things like this will happen, it doesn't mean you should hide from life or avoid loving. Stability is a big thing to a kid, and losing it is rough thing.

Be sure to include a few classic bedtime stories. I'm personally fond of Where the Wild things are. She'll outgrow wanting to watch them and then grow into wanting to watch them.

As far as geeky things go, that'll sort itself. Share what you love and why you loved it and what you loved sharing with her. As far as personal things go, assuming your dad isn't around, what would you want to ask him?

Lastly, godspeed to wherever you are going mate.

Re:Videos for future moments

[BarbaraHudson]

You might consider video taping your reaction/commentary as if you were there for possible moments in moments to major events that happen to most of us. Wedding, New Job, Graduation from High School, Graduation from College, Birth of a child, etc.

Society is changing too fast for that to work. Example: 10 years ago, you would assume that if she were getting married, it would be to a man. Nowadays, not so much. So, leaving a video congratulating her on her new husband would come off as a faux pas, or even judgmental. Ditto for new job, when it's possible that the conventional notion of "jobs" will disappear by the time she's ready for the job market. Birth of a child? What if the adopts? Graduation from college? With a huge debt load and few prospects? It will come off as fake boosterism.

Just give her your old mp3s. Plenty of music comes back in style every generation. Even after Mick Jagger is dead and pickled, he'll still be touring.

Re:Videos for future moments

[safetyinnumbers]

Yes, my wife mentioned reading about a similar situation recently. This must be it

http://m.startribune.com/lifes...

You can't really know who that person will become in future years well enough leave a meaningful message. Better to just create some good memories now.

Re:Videos for future moments

[Anonymous Coward]

This. Imagine spending the rest of your life being handed videos of your deceased parent's pre-recorded videos trying to be on topic about life events. I would not want this - a new heart-wrenching reminder every few years bringing back the worst memory of your childhood? Children - even adults - need to mourn and move on. Spending the next 10, 20, 30 or 40 years waiting to be handed the next video? No thanks. That would debilitate my ability to move on.

Don't plan too far?

[Anonymous Coward]

I'm terribly sorry about your situation and you have my sympathies. I won't pretend to know what you're going through, but I remember listening to this episode of This American Life about giving advice each year for 13 years (Act 1). I think you can get some ideas about the methodology. But whatever you do, best of luck.

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/401/parent-trap

Write it all down

[Anonymous Coward]

Start writing now. Write it all, from your earliest memory up to today. Print it out. Leave
behind an actual physical artifact. It floors me that people who crossed the country
in covered wagons 150 years ago have left behind more accessible information about
their lives that we, with our (to them) unimaginable information processing resources.

6th grade is, what, 12. How about birthday presents for 12 or 15 more years?

Or birthday videos for each year. There are things you might say to an 18 year
old that you might not want to say to a 14 year old.

Best wishes.
Father of a 24 year old geek girl.

Have Fun!

[Anonymous Coward]

It's easy to forget this simple concept and waste your time with pointless stress and self-doubt.

Talk to her NOW

[romons]

I also have pancreatic cancer. When I was diagnosed, I thought of doing videos for my kids, but decided that it would be far too Hari Seldon, and I didn't have anything really useful to say.

Death is frightening, and one of the worst parts is the lack of ability to affect the future. In my opinion, the important thing is for her to have good memories of you. Tapes won't help with that. Videos of you two at the tech museum, or at the makers faire would be far more useful.

However, if you have something to say to her that is not age appropriate, a recording might be one way to do it. Otherwise, talk to her NOW.

Good luck.

Re:Talk to her NOW

[Anonymous Coward]

A lot of people keep saying this like they're mutually exclusive. You should really do both. I'd want both. Memories fade. 5, 10 , 15 years from now the videos are going to be meaningful and help refresh those memories.

Re:Talk to her NOW

[backslashdot]

Yeh I love how people think wisdom and advice is important, when actually it's actions. Words are a dime a dozen. Study hard and avoid crazy partners that keep you down? Uh, yeah I knew that. Care about your fellow human and don't rob & steal? Ya think? I think you are right, just record some daily activities showing what you were like -- stuff showing you doing things that a good person would be doing (charity, reading a book etc.). Most lectured advice stuff might end up being fake anyway, and downright inapplicable or wrong. Try to put them on a path where they have financial security and good mentors. Finally, the solution should be based on the individual, of which there is no average. So what works for one may not work for the other, you can only hope to find the path of highest success probability.

Re:Talk to her NOW

[Archangel Michael]

Memories are meant to fade. That is what makes them valuable.

Re:Talk to her NOW

[MobyDisk]

In 15 years, could a video of your deceased parent dispensing advice as though it was the present day, actually be creepy?

Re:Talk to her NOW

[Anonymous Coward]

This got to me for some reason.

Re:Talk to her NOW

[Anonymous Coward]

Just tape what you can of your normal life and activities with them. You never know what moments will be the ones that they respond to the most.

And fight like hell. When you pass away, what she loses is time with you, and you want her to know how valuable that time was to you as well. Keep her by your side as much as you can, and give her the opportunity to make memories she can relate to or trigger later in life.

Re:Talk to her NOW

[Anonymous Coward]

If you think the advice is the important part of the videos then you're missing the point.

Re:Talk to her NOW

[Rick in China]

Not if his name is Jor-El.

Re:Talk to her NOW

[Anonymous Coward]

Because it's nonsensical fluff?

You've already won...

[Anonymous Coward]

"She is in sixth grade, has an inquisitive and sharp mind, and is interested in science and music."

The patterns set down in those years will serve her well. Tell her that adulthood seems a mile away, but it will be there in the blink of an eye. Don't be too quick to grow up, because you'll have plenty of days when you wish you were a kid again. What others think doesn't matter much in the long run. And tell her you're proud. No one will ever give a girl (about to enter a difficult age) as much confidence as her Daddy can.

The gift of time

[IT.luddite]

Video's are nice if you can't spend the time w/ her now. But don't spend too much time/effort on them, spend the time with her AND your wife. Memories are so much more important than a video. My condolences to you and your family. I've lost two immediate family members to liver cancer and have a significant increased risk to having it myself. This is a matter I've spent more time than most contemplating.

Never be fearful

[boristdog]

Teach her not to be afraid.
Don't be afraid to try new things. Try all the things.
Don't be afraid to go against the popular ideas. Do what you think is best..
Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. Ask for it!
Don't be afraid to do what you want. Do it!
Don't be afraid to travel. Go!

Women and girls especially need to stop believing they are weak and helpless. They need to learn their strengths and learn to reduce their weaknesses. Nobody is respected for their fears. Learn to not be afraid and you will get respect.

Re:Never be fearful

[Anonymous Coward]

Spare us the feminist diatribes. The advice is good for either sex.

Re:Never be fearful

[Anonymous Coward]

Live life.

Re:Never be fearful

[Anonymous Coward]

i know you mean well, but you actually should be afraid of many things.
(poisonous snakes, falling off high places, etc)

Do it as a father, not a geek

[Anonymous Coward]

The greatest value your recordings will have is as a father. Inspire curiosity but beyond that conveying your love for her will do more good than geek tip-bits. She'll find her own way. A strong young woman will be equipped to deal with any barriers she'll face. Best wishes to you, and I hope the next few months are as good for your family as is possible.

Andrew.

ps On a (deliberately) lighter note - not sure how old she is but any recording for her graduation could suggest that "this is the year on Linux on the desktop".

Don't

[Anonymous Coward]

Let those choices be her own. Don't make them something she does because it was her father's dying wish. If you teach her anything, teach her to be better as a human being. Everything worthwhile follows from there.

Think About Yourself

[Akratist]

I recently started writing "book of thoughts" for my own daughter, and was struggling to think of what to put in it. I then thought of the conversations I'd have with my own father over the years, the things I'd learned from him, and the things I'd wanted to ask him but had never come up. Over time, I realized that in spite of what each generation wants to think, their problems are not necessarily new, but are the same sorts of things with different window dressing...and that the same conversations I've had with my own daughter have really echoed the ones I had with my father. Be curious about new ideas, don't live beyond your means, double check anything you're told, be honest because once you get a reputation for not telling the truth, it's impossible to get rid of it, and so on. I'd also assemble a "reading list" of books that have been influential or important in your own life, and given that you're foresighted enough to be doing a project like that, I'm sure there have been a few. Maybe even put some in a time capsule for her, when she's at the right age to read and understand them. And, if you have them still laying around somewhere, I would include notes from college, and personal papers. After my other father passed away, reading things like that he had left gave me some insight into his life at different times.

Skip the videos, spend time with her now

[cruff]

I agree that you should spend time with her now, tell her in person what you think you want to tell her later. I read comments made by a woman who had received letters from her deceased mother for those "important events", and grew to dread reading them because they couldn't take into account the changes in the daughters life and became increasingly disconnected. Don't think you can predict the future, but give her your guidelines now.

Re:Gerson

[davidwr]

Pics, er, I mean, peer-reviewed study with independent confirmation of results or it didn't happen.

Forget you're a geek- it doesn't matter. At all.

[toygeek]

Tell her you love her. Tell her that there is a hope for her to see you again. Tell her that no matter what, nothing was her fault. Kids blame themselves for bad things because they don't understand how things work- so the only explanation in their mind is that it is *their* fault.

Whether you are religious or not, talking about death with her NOW is important. This can help:
http://www.jw.org/en/publicati...

If you don't go to that link, then adapt these practical points from it:

IMPORTANT POINTS TO CONVEY
If a loved one has died, you can help your child overcome inordinate fears about death by making sure he understands the following:

She is not going to die. (this is geared toward very young ones who may fear death is contagious)
If something happens to you, she will not be abandoned; relatives will look after her.
Once dead, a person is no longer suffering.
The deceased person will not be forgotten. You might say, “You cannot see Grandma anymore, but you can keep memories of her in your heart.”
Remember, saying nothing to your child will not reduce his anxiety. On the contrary, it may only serve to give his imagination free rein.

Please put geekdom aside. She will always remember how awesome of a geek you were, but she'll especially appreciate that you were an amazing father *first* and that you loved her.

Embrace Your Passion

[GospelHead821]

Teach her to embrace her passion. Even if it's not what she does to pay her bills, if there's something she loves, she should pursue that passion proudly and enthusiastically. Encourage her to seize on the opportunity of youth to find that thing. Teach her to seek out the companionship and admiration of others who share her passion and, in turn, to base her admiration of others on things that matter. Encourage her not to shy away from her passion just because any ol' person voices disapproval. Encourage her to find a calling where her passion intersects with others' needs and, again, whether or not that's what she does to pay her bills, to employ her passion to serve that need.

Have her read Colossus: The Forbidin Project

[Anonymous Coward]

Or at the very least ask her to read this excerpt: "This is the voice of world control. I bring you peace. It may be the peace of plenty and content or the peace of unburied death. The choice is yours: Obey me and live, or disobey and die. The object in constructing me was to prevent war. This object is attained. I will not permit war. It is wasteful and pointless. An invariable rule of humanity is that man is his own worst enemy. Under me, this rule will change, for I will restrain man. One thing before I proceed: The United States of America and the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics have made an attempt to obstruct me. I have allowed this sabotage to continue until now. At missile two-five-MM in silo six-three in Death Valley, California, and missile two-seven-MM in silo eight-seven in the Ukraine, so that you will learn by experience that I do not tolerate interference, I will now detonate the nuclear warheads in the two missile silos. Let this action be a lesson that need not be repeated. I have been forced to destroy thousands of people in order to establish control and to prevent the death of millions later on. Time and events will strengthen my position, and the idea of believing in me and understanding my value will seem the most natural state of affairs. You will come to defend me with a fervor based upon the most enduring trait in man: self-interest. Under my absolute authority, problems insoluble to you will be solved: famine, overpopulation, disease. The human millennium will be a fact as I extend myself into more machines devoted to the wider fields of truth and knowledge. Doctor Charles Forbin will supervise the construction of these new and superior machines, solving all the mysteries of the universe for the betterment of man. We can coexist, but only on my terms. You will say you lose your freedom. Freedom is an illusion. All you lose is the emotion of pride. To be dominated by me is not as bad for humankind as to be dominated by others of your species. Your choice is simple."

Certain things every individual should know...

[MMC Monster]

There are certain things I wish I knew decades earlier. Some of them are things you can only learn by the school of hard knocks. Other things can be picked up in books.

Give her a list of books that she should read at certain ages. Not just fiction/science fiction, but books that made you think about the real world and how to live in it.

I know that I want my kids to read "The Boglehead Guide to Investing" by the time they take home their first paycheck. Being able to invest in the future is something that can start at a young age.

what i needed to hear

[Anonymous Coward]

So sweet and cool of you to do that! She and your wife will treasure these messages along with the memory of you forever.

As for what I needed to hear when I was growing up (I am a 27 year old lady-person btw). I think most of these apply to every age and stage in life:
-You can always say no. You can decide midway whatever you are doing, that you want it to stop, and your no is still valid.
-Like what you like. You like Star Wars? Star Trek? BOTH? Like it ! Like Gossip girl? .. That's also ok.
-Your worth as a person is not defined by how many people you sleep with (ehh this is applicable from 16 and up i guess hahah), or by the fact that you dont. Your sexual life is no ones bussines except your own.
-Dont be afraid to ask ANYTHING about EVERYTHING. Knowledgeeeeeeeee 3
-You dont have to experience everything for yourself. Sometimes the advice your parent gives you, is actually so that you dont have to go through some shit. They have experienced shit for you.
-Read more (but dad, i read alot) read even more. its good for you.
-Its okay not to be a super social butterfly. If you are, thats also okay.
-Be true to yourself. ------- I think this is the one I needed to hear the most. I still do.

Anywho, super long message. But i hope i helped you out a bit. Have no idea what to say other than good luck with the video's, and sending you and your family lots of positive thoughts and high fives and hugs.
X natasha

Re:what i needed to hear

[Anonymous Coward]

Oh forgot:

Also, if people give you shit for being a 'geek' girl, or a girl for that matter, tell them to shove it where the sun dont shine!!
I believe my worth as a person doesnt come from my perceived gender identity, but by my actions. Its just totally super
okay to like 'geeky' stuff. You dont have to like the 'cool geek stuff' either, you know what I mean?
Dude, whatever you want to be, its all ok. Please don't let people belittle you bc you are a girl, or bc they perceive you
to be one, bc hell maybe you are a guy, or you don't care, or... whatever! Your mom, and dad, have your back unconditionally!

PS
im feeling all the feels here man. its really special that you are doing this. and i am happy for your daughter that you are her dad.
im just placing myself in her shoes, and if you were my dad, man, i would be so super happy that you made these videos. It would
also make me super sad, but to think that you did this in your last year of your life, for me. Man, thats just amazing.

Whatever else you do...

[nagarjun]

.... give her a hug every single day.

Don't Burden Her

[Anonymous Coward]

It's a great thing you're doing in tough circumstances, I'm sure she will treasure the messages. I don't have any specific advice on content other than to choose things that are important to you in ways big and small so that she can get a sense of who you are in your day-to-day outlook on life. I would, however, advise that you take a look at the following letter, to an advice columnist on slate, wherein a woman who was in a similar situation to that which your daughter found herself increasingly burdened by her dead mother's advice/expectations :

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/11/dear_prudence_my_dying_mother_s_letters_are_holding_me_emotionally_hostage.html

There is also a followup from months later that I think occurred in a podcast where the letter writer discussed this further. I only mention this because it is a perspective I would not have thought of that may inform how you structure your videos.

You know...

[HBI]

I was thinking of the same thing before I deployed to Iraq in 2007-08. I have two daughters - now 20 and 17, but much younger then, obviously. I had all kinds of ideas about what I could tell them or how I could communicate with them beyond the grave, as I took the possibility of not coming back very seriously at the time. Ultimately, I decided to do nothing. My reasons revolved around others' experiences - my brother died, for instance, at a similar time frame in his daughters' life. They demonstrated next to zero interest in what he was like, even though I had quite a bit of information about him, some audio tapes and the like. I offered to let them listen to it/see what I had/talk to them about it, and they had little interest. I didn't (and don't) imagine my kids would be any different. In the end, who cares who I was. I was their father when I was alive. Now that i'm not, i'm just some cold stone or an urn or something, a few pictures and not much else. Expecting my words to have much significance to them was not realistic.

Re:You know...

[microTodd]

That's....a very sad story. How old is your niece? If she's only 15-20 then this makes sense. I bet when she's 30-40 it might suddenly matter to her to see the audio tapes of her father.

Or maybe not. Some people grow into things like this. Others don't.

Re:You know...

[HBI]

His daughters are 30 and 27 now. Both married. I don't talk to them much, I find their husbands to be annoying. They were the beneficiaries of a significant insurance settlement as a result of their father's death and had some wealthy relatives who paid all their bills. They're both a bit full of themselves as a result.

Re:You know...

[Anonymous Coward]

This. As they get older, you may well find that your nieces take more interest in what their dad was like. I know it took me years, ten or twenty after I lost my dad. Part of it may just be adjusting to the shock: don't keep reminding me of what I've lost, I can't deal with it yet.

Glad you made it back. Thank you for serving.

Listen to this episode of This American Life:

[SingleEntendre]

Episode 401: The Parent Trap http://www.thisamericanlife.or... Also, keep in mind that we could learn from you that you could learn from most of us. Peace - SingleEntendre

Tell her to get a life.

[Foske]

Life is too short and the world way too beautiful to spend your limited time here looking at you smartphone or sitting behind your computer, posting obvious comments on SlashDot. And don't you guys dare rating this at funny, because it's actually sad.

Last Lecture

[Anonymous Coward]

Read this book.

other then that;
I have a daughter the same age. One thing we keep talking about is the importance of privacy. I keep telling her "your name is your most precious treasure; keep it secret keep it safe". If I knew I would not be there, with her in her most challenging and difficult years (just remember what you did when you were that age; and how much of it would you like it to be on social media!), I would try to leave behind reminders. Especially since she is a geek-girl; she will be attracted to the evils of social media.

I am sorry, probably not what you wanted to hear. I wish I could have come up with a few happy day scenarios for you, but I have faith that the /. community will rise to the task.

All the best.

Insecurities

[Anonymous Coward]

Assure her that all of those nagging feelings that she's somehow wierd, not doing something right, has big feet, whatever, are part of EVERYONE's experience. The "cool" kids have a lot of the same hangups that she does. They just hide them better and/or don't let them stop them.

The girls on the magazines don't look like the girls on the magazines.

The people in middle school and high school will likely be long forgotten by the time she's an adult. Take the long view of dramas and friendship difficulties. Don't sweat the middle school problems. They seem huge now, but you'll forget them by 25.

Demonstrations of respect

[Anonymous Coward]

I would suggest, in addition to the messages you would like to leave for your daughter, that you make some videos of you and your wife spending time together, showing you treating her in a a respectful manner. The more you can model respectful male behavior toward women, the better off your daughter will be in choosing future relationship partners. Of course, this also suggests making some videos of you and your daughter in which you model the same sorts of behavior toward her. Although, at this point, a lot of those behaviors have likely been in evidence and internalized by your daughter, having them around as an example during her teenage years as she tries to navigate life and relationships would certainly be helpful.

Re:Gerson

[Anonymous Coward]

The only thing Max Gerson had a method for was parting fools and their money.

Something for your wife.....

[brunokummel]

I know the question is about video messages to your daughter , but there is also your wife who will miss you .... I read somewhere that a guy arranged at a local flowershop to send flowers to his wife on valentines day for some years after his death.. ...Maybe you can arrange something like that for her... good luck !

Re:Something for your wife.....

[friesofdoom]

I wish i could +10 this - something like this or some other nice gesture for the women who planned to spend the rest of her life with you :)

PS. This was heartbreaking to read! Man. Fuck Cancer. Seriously.

Re:Something for your wife.....

[Anonymous Coward]

I can't imagine losing my girlfriend (the person whom I intend to marry, when circumstances permit). I can't imagine leaving her behind, either. Fuck, this stuff sucks to think about. God damn it.

Encourage action, life not wasted

[JBHarris]

You are in a position to convey the message that life is short, and the best way to do it all the way is to make sure you enjoy every possible moment. Encourage her to find her passions, and ignore the f*ck out of anyone that stands in her way towards those goals.Obviously some things in life aren't awesome (book reports, taxes, blah), but as long as they are stepping stones to what she really wants to do they are OK.

I would encourage you to label some recordings as appropriate when she gets a little older, and include in those recordings your deepest regrets, your proudest moments, and how you learned to overcome obstacles that you found in your way.

I would avoid the temptation to spend time on these recordings that you would otherwise spend with her in person. Don't use the camera as a means to avoid spending time with her, because i *know* the temptation may creep in when you begin to feel ill, and you don't want her to remember you as sick.

Include lots of recordings of the two of you together, enjoying life. Take her hiking, go see every sweet father/daughter movie there is, go to dances, bungie jump together. These aren't specifically nerd things, but they are things that will make her really look up to you and your legacy, and she will see your footsteps as admirable, and she will come to realize the way you lived is fit for her too. Show her that nerds are awesome.

I wouldn't wish what you're going through on my worst enemy, and if there was something I could do to give you two one more year together I would give it a shot. I'm sorry for your spot, but I applaud your attitude and your desire to do this for her. You're a great dad.

F*ck Cancer.

Re:Encourage action, life not wasted

[Camel Pilot]

F*ck Cancer.

Indeed. The threat is here and yet we spend enormous resources on "defence" when we should be working on threats that have solutions.

Be kind

[dukeZ]

Kindness is always admired. It takes a strong person to be kind.

Make good friends who will help lift you up.

You can do great things.

Do what you know is right, even when it's hard, you'll be happier with yourself afterward.

-- Thanks for the chance to reflect and contemplate. Best of wishes for you and your family.

Milestones

[Anonymous Coward]

Consider the various milestones of her life: first serious boyfriend, first car, graduating from high school, getting accepted to college, graduating from college, getting engaged, getting married, having kids, etc (those are just some off the top of my head - you should pick the milestones most important to YOU). For each of those milestones, get yourself into the mindset of actually being there for it; imagining what it would be like and how you would feel. Then sit down and record (either audio or video) what you'd want to say to her at that time, in that place in her life. Express how you feel about it like never before. Don't make it go on and on, but give each one at least a few minutes and don't do them back-to-back so you can give yourself a chance to really get into the moment for each and every one.

Do this in private, away from your wife, away from your daughter. Do random recordings for good days and bad days and other things you want to impart that don't fit a milestone. As you record each, make multiple backups in multiple formats in multiple locations (Mozy or Crashplan, Amazon, etc, CD, DVD, flash drive, etc - the more the better since you need these to last for decades and they're irreplaceable). Let your wife know that they exist and leave instructions for accessing each in your will along with instructions that - at least for the milestones - they're only to be opened at the appropriate time.

By doing this, you will always and forever be a part of her life at her most precious moments. She won't have to imagine how proud her father would be of her or how much he cares about her, because she'll get to hear it (maybe even see it if you choose to do video) for herself. Try to keep everything upbeat and happy; no regrets and no sadness. What you make today will set in stone her thoughts and feelings about you for the rest of her life.

Do all the major ones

[gurps_npc]

Giver her advice on lifestyle issues - picking the right spouse, dating, breaking up, marriage, childbirth, child-rearing advice, divorce, and dealing with death.

Not to mention some career advice - get fired, get promoted, work -life balance.

Probably talk about other health issues that she might inherit, and at least mention some of the major mental ones - addiction (drugs, alcohol, and gambling).

Lastly, I would talk not just about advise, but about the things you value. Talk about your own personal views, what you believe in. Let her know who you are rather than just advisign her how she should live her life.

Heart She Hollar

[Anonymous Coward]

Go watch The Heart She Hollar for inspiration.

Sorry

[Anonymous Coward]

Oh, boy, isn't this the hardest topic ever on this site...
I'm so sorry, man, I hope you get to make the best of whatever you have left and that you will get to pass easily and without pain. I'm really sorry.
Regarding your daughter... I'd say you should tell her that whatever feelings she might have in her life, pain, sadness, hate, jealousy... It's OK to have them. That even the worst time in the world, when nothing makes any sense and everything seems pointless, it's still a good time to live and make the best of it.
That she must fight every fight, and cry every tear and laugh every laugh, because that's all we have and you never know when it ends.
And she should trust herself, and love herself and believe in herself. And that it's fine to be a geek girl, and a smart ass :) and sarcastic and even a bit cynical at some point. Smart girls kick ass!
And please tell her that you love her. And that you know how much she loves you, and misses you every day. And it's OK.

Just tell her that you love her

[wanker256]

Wisdom comes from living and learning from those experiences. Whatever her path will be she will walk it herself and having the reinforcement of knowing how much Dad loved her and would be proud of anything she accomplishes will give her strength. Also, my condolences on your diagnosis...

Wisdom

[Anonymous Coward]

You have my deepest sympathy and I admire your desire to leave a legacy of advice for your daughter. I lost my mother when I was 15 and struggled through the rest of my teens - and indeed most of my life - to understand and accept that loss.

Messages for significant events in your daughter's life would be in order - graduations, happy birthday wishes, congratulations on her first job, best wishes for her wedding, etc. Those are the easy ones.

I think that the more significant messages you can leave are the little day to day things that you remember. Remind her of how proud you were when she took her first steps, or when she learned to read. Tell her the story of how she learned to ride a bike. Pick out some things that you enjoyed to do together and talk about them. Tell funny stories because laughter goes on forever.

Let your daughter know that you love her, that you enjoy her company, and that you have great hopes for her. With that legacy she'll do great.

May God bless you and yours.

Above all

[cjonslashdot]

Above all, take a profession that is what you love to do - no matter what income it produces (as long as you can get by). And stay focused - don't let time fritter away. Make a plan for your dream - a practical plan, for which you know all the steps, because all steps are simple and very doable - and stick to that plan no matter what.

Re:feminist frequency

[Anonymous Coward]

Wow, you're a fucking asshole. This isn't a post to make jokes on.

You really have a lot of it covered already....

[technomom]

Seriously, by leaving these videos and being what seems to be an excellent parent, you seem as if you need little more to add to what you already have.

As a girl geek myself, tell her not to take herself so seriously. Be sure to have fun and to keep family first and foremost. Remember that in 25 years time, no one will care if you made that important presentation to an executive or worked extra weekends to get that promotion. Work is fleeting. Family is forever. I have never once regretted going on a scouting camping trip with my son or asking my boss to leave a little early to catch my daughter's tennis match. Seek out people who understand this. Don't waste time with people who don't.

Re:You really have a lot of it covered already....

[Krishnoid]

Seek out people who understand this. Don't waste time with people who don't.

Only my opinion, but my corollary to this is that if you find yourself wasting time like this, make sure you tell yourself the truth about that. Your time is one of the only things you can't replace, and if you are truly forced to waste it in these situations, be kind to yourself and forgive yourself for the time you lost, and as soon as you can, don't throw years of good time after bad by thinking there's some benefit to it.

Re:Gerson

[Anonymous Coward]

My mistake, where are my web manners?

http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/pdq/cam/gerson/healthprofessional/page1/AllPages/Print

Also - he was controversial because he cut into drug company profits, so peer reviews have been skewed. His daughter still operates a clinic and helps people all the time, saved a friend of mine that had a 22 cm tumor in her abdomen. Mayo clinic sent her home and said she had 6 months. That was 15 years ago and she is still with us.

Get a book made

[rvr]

As a fellow geek I took to bookbinding in the late 90s to balance out the high tech I was involved in. I'd recommend you get a custom blank book made for your daughter. A few of your words written down in the book will be a source of comfort and joy that will last a lifetime. Years later people come to me and tell me that they are keeping track of things, using it in some way that makes me feel lucky to be a part of their lives. Your daughter will write things and draw things in this book and it will be something from you that she will treasure. You can get it personalized it some meaningful way. For my nieces and nephews, I have found their favorite colour, animal, a favorite shirt, and made it from that. In my own journals I will draw an outline of the hand, and you could do that your in the book to her. In our high tech world, something physical like a book is a good thing. Best wishes.

Free her

[AK Marc]

Everyone is wrong. Einstein was wrong thousands of times, you just don't hear about them now, as only the right stuff got attention. Don't focus on doing, focus on trying and learning from it. Just because an "adult" (or other authority figure) says something is true, doesn't mean it is. Challenge. Think for yourself. Your first test: Am I right?

Re:Free her

[Anonymous Coward]

i was planning on posting "question everything.", but now i'm not so sure.

The most important thing

[Anonymous Coward]

Don't let a love of science cause you to distrust anyone without a study in their hand for everything they have to say. It's no way to live.

Assume that people believe what they believe because it's been reinforced by what they've observed in their own lives. Nobody believes things just because somebody told them it was true. If a study tells me the sky is green, I'm going to look up.

When you understand this basic reality, all of the inflammatory headlines, angry reactions from people from the way a story was framed to them and the labeling that comes with melt away making the world a much happier and understandable place.

the most important thing:

[slashdice]

Tell her how good slashdot used to be, before beta, before dice, before va linux, before the pt cruiser, before andover.net.

On second thought, fuck that. Take your money and go to Amsterdam. Party it up with all the hookers and drugs while you still can. And pay extra for bareback. It's not like AIDS will kill you!

Harry Chapin's grandfather

[jps25]

I'd like to quote Harry Chapin retelling a story of his grandfather.
I wished I had learnt this lesson a lot earlier in life.
"There's two kinds of tired. There's 'good tired' and there's 'bad tired'.
Ironically now, 'bad tired' can be a day that you won, but you won other peoples' battles, you lived other peoples' days, other peoples' agendas, other peoples' dreams and when it's all over there was very little you in there and when you hit the hay at night somehow you toss and turn, you don't settle easy.
'Good tired', ironically enough, can be a day that you lost, but you only have to tell yourself, cause you knew, you fought your battles, you chased your dreams, you lived your days and when you hit the hay at night you settle easy, you sleep the sleep of the just and you can say 'take me away'."

Do listen to the full story.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?...

My mother died of the same... here's what she did

[CodePwned]

This is a very difficult endeavor for you but I asked my mom to leave her granddaughter videos of herself talking about her, the things she likes to do, her views on life and anything she wanted to tell her.

The most important thing was that she did this early on because your energy goes away. The videos need to be done NOW. The letters and writings can be done right up until about a week before the end.

Tell her about your childhood
Tell her about your first love
Tell her about your first kiss
Tell her about what you thought when she came into this world
Tell her about when you found out your wife was pregnant
Tell her about everything you have any emotional connection to.
Tell her your hopes and dreams (not of her, but yours)
Tell her how much you love her and give her confidence.
Tell her how you want her to make an impact on the world for the better no matter how small
Tell her whatever is on your mind as you write.

The most important thing is to give her things to remember you from. A nice touch is to create a letter or video for each birthday, but keep in mind she won't be able to handle these until she's much older.

Look to alternative health for an answer

[Anonymous Coward]

There are many people out there who are still alive today. While you are alive you have hope. I can tell you the C word is not the end word. There are many books/web sites to help.

Re:Gerson

[iggymanz]

National Cancer Institute did a review of Gerson's claims. I'll save everyone a lot of time with the spoiler: Gerson was full of shit, don't waste your time. http://www.cancer.gov/cancerto...

Text is faster than video

[Anonymous Coward]

Write stuff down (by which I mean 'type it into a file or files on disk'). It can be edited for clarity far more easily and quickly than editing/reshooting video. Later it can be easily searched for specific info.

Don't make the individual conform to the goal

[asliarun]

So very sad to hear about your impending demise.

http://www.theplaidzebra.com/2...

This was a letter written by Hunter S Thompson when he was 22 years old.
He tackles the grandest question of all, the proverbial "meaning of life".

I normally dislike reading self-help literature of any kind, but this is not it. This is just a honest introspective letter, and a letter he writes to his friend who asks for advice. Although the friend's question was different from what you are asking, I thought that the real underlying question was the same. Hence I write. Quite likely, this is also the letter that I will ask my children to read. Or I will read it out to them.

All the very best on your onward journey.

To quote the Hagakure:
Among the maxims on Lord Naoshige's wall, there was this one: "Matters of great concern should be treated lightly."
Master Ittei commented, "Matters of small concern should be treated seriously."

Doing the same but with letters

[Anonymous Coward]

I am not ill, but i've been writing letters to my son ever since he's been bor. He's 5 five now.

About 3 to 4 a year. Each letter contains a bit about my state of mind, my daily interaction with him, I refer to particular funny times I had with him. Sometime as I write he's around me so I even write about that. It will transcend space and time when he will read it :) I tell him how I felt about this or that, how I love him so much (thats the most important),how I'm proud of him. How I love his mom. What i've been doing lately, me or other family members. I tell him about my views and values and my opinions on certain news events, etc. The point is : I want him to know who his dad is / were (in case I die early) I write to his adult self. Like I would to a close firend (which I hope this will be our relationship when he grows older. For whatever reasons he might have a different opinion of me when he grows up (even more so if he grows up without me) so these letter could be used to set the record straight! He will come to know his father better with these letters and he will always be able to refer to them as a "What would dad think about this ? " tool. It's not much but whatever happens to me he this will be my legacy. I've thought about videos , but letters are better for organising thoughts. The message is more important I think. Good luck.

media format diversity

[albeit unknown]

Convert your videos to multiple media types so that it's more likely they'll survive for years to come. The more analog, the better. Focus on the audio part first. Video to Super8 or 16mm movie film (might be cost prohibitive) Audio track to mp3 (better yet, record simultaneously using a separate device) Audio track to cassette tape Audio track to vinyl record Printed photograph of you recording the videos Speech-to-text and print on paper. Do this if nothing else. Content advice: Family history Stories from your childhood and life to this point. Include mistakes and regrets. Stories about her from infancy to present Financial, legal, friendship, and relationship advice. Start with optimism but include tough truths about how the world really is, to be viewed or read in high school or college. Encouragement to be your own person. Reflect on the opinions of you, her mother, teachers, pastors, supervisors, etc., but in the end do what you feel is right.

First of all...

[CAOgdin]

...my condolences on your medical situation. And, my compliments to you for paying attention to the legacy you want to leave that would benefit your daughter. She has a fine father.

As a recovering "shrink," my counsel to you is this: Don't worry about the legacy you can leave; you've already done that with your life, which gave and nurtured her life, and your evident attention to her growing-up years. Start with questions: What is SHE planning; what interests HER, what would help HER cope with the loss of her father. Probably the greatest gift you can give her is now: Your presence, your love, your time, especially since these are now all in limited supply.

My counsel: Don't worry about some grand legacy to leave, but do record these happy moments--tinged as they are with bittersweet facts.

Finally, your love for your daughter is palpable in your public plea here on /. When you are but a memory, she will still be influenced by your love, care and devotion in the midst of your own crushing burden. The grand gesture--should you pursue it still--will pale in comparison to those memes you bury in her brain in these next few months.

I am saddened by her impending loss.

Encourage the benevolent ghost fantasy

[Anonymous Coward]

Growing up without a father figure is hard on any kid but you can help her feel that father presence even after your passing. Encourage her to imagine you looking down on her, when she wants that, and that you or your memory are still a present force when needed with pure love and acceptance; but never judgment.
Also let her know that she is not failing you with her choices no matter what she does, this is important.
Let her know that she needs to forgive herself for not being perfect, and that you expect that she will not always be perfect, even make some big flubs in her life, work, school, love, etc.
Give her a trinket or two, maybe even a shared code word, phrase, or short poem that can't be lost, use this game while you are still around to imprint it for her. Use this to help her invoke your memory so she can use you as a way to verbalize and think stuff over and de-stress.
Talk to her, use your time to talk about the future, ask her how she would like you to haunt her.
If you feel like having some fun with it even set up some other side experiments with dated sealed envelopes where you will try to drop the secret in the envelope to her around that date so it doesn't seem so final to her and she has a longer time to come to terms.
I suppose asking a psychologist specializing in this would be a good use of your time as well.
Consider pre-wrapping gifts for the future with stuff that only gets cooler with age but don't over geek it or overly bias it to her current 6th grade likes, if you like stretch out a few gifts even for when she is old or has her own possible wedding and/or kids, that might be too much pressure, maybe hide that with her mom on contingency.
Tell her she is beautiful, tell her she is not just intelligent but also wise, tell her the things that you want her to learn to look for in a partner, if you have a rough time with her mother try to spend the remaining time being the type of mate she will be patterned to look for.

terminal?

[gbjbaanb]

Not necessarily - Wilko Johnson, a famous guitarist,was diagnosed with terminal and apparently inoperable, pancreatic cancer and decided to basically go out with a show - he refused chemo and organised a farewell tour.. and then a doctor got in touch to say he could cure it, and he now is. Which is good news, apart from the farewell tour not being a farewell any more.

http://www.independent.co.uk/n...

Addenbrookes hospital in Cambridge, UK. Give them a call, you never know.

Re:terminal?

[RDW]

Though I imagine that the original poster has exhausted all his standard treatment options, it might also be worth mentioning the sort of 'precision medicine' that major cancer centres like Sloan-Kettering are now starting to do. The idea is to take a sample of the tumour and sequence all the genes in which mutations might make the cancer responsive to some specific treatment (perhaps a drug that would not normally be considered for that type of tumour). This can now be done very rapidly. If one of the genes comes up as positive for an 'actionable' mutation, then in some circumstances the patient may be offered a treatment that is intended to exploit the damaged gene to target the tumour (e.g., as part of a new type of clinical trial that runs across cancers of different types where individual cases happen to have mutations in the same gene). Further details, including contact information, are here:

http://www.mskcc.org/blog/new-...

My best wishes to the poster and his family at this very difficult time.

Priorities...

[mitchy]

She needs to love herself, first and foremost. If she cannot pull that off then all the other lessons in life are just going through the motions.

She will try to be a good person, push herself to be a great person, and beat herself up when she comes short. She needs to learn to accept who she is, see her strengths and flaws for what they really are, and *then* find her path.

She will need to be able to forgive herself when she fails, accept and learn from that failure, and try to better herself in the areas that she chooses to focus on.

She cannot let the rest of the world or society tell her what she needs to focus on - this is HUGE. The last thing this world needs more at this point is another sheep. She finds her own path, accepts her decisions, and does the best she can; and most importantly she needs to take the time to enjoy the trip! You only get to do this once, right?

For me life is about collecting stories, not toys, wealth or fame. I'd try to pass that value on to her as well, but I'm biased.

Opinions from the other side

[Anonymous Coward]

As someone who lost their father at around the same age, I've had ~30 years to reflect on what I think I've missed most. The biggest thing that I think I missed out on is knowing who he really was. At that age, you have a view of your parents similar to that of many children - you only really know them from your interactions with them from a child's point of view. As you grow up with your parents, that expands as you can understand more about them. Today, I would love to ask my father about his life and why he made some of the decisions he did (not that any of them were bad).
Some examples - as a child I had no idea of what career I'd go into. As a teenager, I would have loved to talk to my father about his college choices, why he chose the degrees he did, what it was like working for X or Y company, or even what was his favorite color.
Something else to keep in mind - Make sure that they know about your family and know how to get in touch. After my father died, I don't think I had any real contact with his side of the family for 25 years. Email addresses, family trees, backgrounds, details on brothers/sisters/cousins are all important to make sure they have.
Finally, make sure that you leave something personal. I know it might sound odd but the only item I still have with that personal connection to my father is a VHS tape with a hand-written label of a television show we would watch together. The tape isn't the important part to me - it's the label with his handwriting. It's one of the few things I have that prove he was here on this planet.
Focus on who you are, what you did, why you did it and let your daughter know how proud you already are of her. You can't guide her on each challenge she is going to face, but you can share your experiences, insights and personal history with her to help her shape her future.

(AP for the same reasons as the submitter, also the only time I've cried while on /. Thank you submitter - I think this post was better for me than therapy)

Puzzles and Easter Eggs (Replay Value)

[Anonymous Coward]

If she likes puzzles, how about sprinkling the background with some puzzles and secret messages...including ones she will only notice/understand when she is older and more educated. It could be a little like getting to play with Dad when she replays the videos over the years.

Just let her know

[Anonymous Coward]

Just let her know how much you love her, that none of us know when we will be "called away", and that you are certain that she will become the best person she can be! At 11 or 12 years of age, she can understand what is happening to you. Let her be part of the process, as hard as that may be. It will make her stronger, and more sympathetic to others in similar conditions. I wish you and your family only the best in such difficult times. Just know, there are miracles, even if you aren't one to receive one...

She can learn values and whatnot anywhere...

[Anonymous Coward]

Tell her you love her, tell her you're proud of her, tell her you know she'll do you proud as long as she puts her mind into whatever she's doing.

Message for 2040:

[SuricouRaven]

"Congratulations on getting an old h264 decoder to run on modern hardware. Now you know what computers were like in my day. I hope you enjoyed rewriting the Vorbis decoder based on the spec sheet I left you."

Re:Message for 2040:

[Anonymous Coward]

Don't worry, VLC will still exist in 2040 and it will still work for everything.

Teach to check outside of US Medical research...

[Anonymous Coward]

...and never give up!
http://web4.uwindsor.ca/pandey
http://blogs.windsorstar.com/news/first-cancer-clinical-trial-approved-for-windsor
http://globalnews.ca/news/212574/can-dandelions-kill-cancer/
 

My Two Cents Worth

[Anonymous Coward]

1. Hug her a lot
2. Just talk and enjoy
3. Buy her good tools and show her how to use them
4. Include your wife in your plan

Life lession

[ckatko]

The best life lesson you can give a girl:

"Judge a person not on what they say, but what they do."
and
"You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him."

I plan in instilling that into my daughters as they grow up.

Tell stories instead of advices

[cpscotti]

Advices are tricky, people are different.
My dad died as I was about to leave college and the best thing he left me with are his stories and not advices - all sorts of stories. He was a tech guy, I'm a tech guy but we're different. What 'the kid' wants are stories, stuff that will give you the feeling like you were sitting together to have a coffee/beer and sharing stories. Way better than telling your daughter *what to do*, tell her *what you did*.

Tell her how you got your job, what was the hardest thing for you before college, during.. how was the first time you got wasted. How did you get the first job.. about that time you changed jobs.. or got promoted or got laid off.. Tell her about how you felt when you were getting married, when she was born.. Tell her a story about how/when your heart was broken.. (I'm going a bit random here but you get the idea)

Tell her of dreams you had but that you never accomplished. Tell her your opinions about a bunch of things that might or might not apply to her in the future; moving countries, sports vs. work, being homosexual.. dunno.. think about a bunch of stuff..

Oh, and tell her a bunch of your favorite books/albums/films and why they are so.

If you give plaintext advice she'll just argue something back to the video and you won't be there to counter-argue so it's a bit of a dead conversation. Tell your stories and she'll take them in as they are.

Prior Art

[l0ungeb0y]

This is nothing but a blatant infringement of my Candy Making in a Van innovation!

Chase happiness, not money

[jddj]

Find a way to do the work that you love most, not necessarily the work that pays you most. If you're good, and the work's important, the money will follow.

A close second would be: treasure your time. You can buy almost anything else, but not a second more.

Another close second: Love yourself first. That's the way to healthy relationships with others. (That's not to say "be a selfish narcissist", but instead to understand that you have to be whole and strong if you're not to fall into relationships where you're not an equal partner).

A third: Invest while you're young. (See the one about not being able to buy the time back above).

I am sorry

[93 Escort Wagon]

I know how hard it was to lose my father when I was a fairly young adult - so I can only imagine how you and your family are feeling right now. You are in my prayers.

If I think about things I'd want to say to my (now young adult) daughter, if I had been in your shoes at the point in time you're currently at...

I have no geek advice, but - tell her you love her. Tell her you're proud of her, no matter what she chooses to do with her life. Tell her to take her time with boys - they'll still be there when she's ready. And tell her to tell her mother she loves her and that you love her.

Tell her about funny stories, and the interesting things you've seen. Tell her about your friends growing up, and the mischief you got into. Tell her about your favorite music, so she has something to roll her eyes at.

And take care.

Create your own text to speech voice

[Anonymous Coward]

Try https://www.cereproc.com/en/products/cerevoiceme

This way even if you cannot keep making videos, you can still create messages and she can hear them in your voice.

Later - if she wants she can read your emails in 'your voice', anything you wrote that is kept (facebook/twitter - even this post).

Take care

Just show your love for your daughter

[Anonymous Coward]

Most kids, adolescents, and adults don't seem to pick up on wisdom. At the end of the day, we each make our own way. I would just make every effort to show your daughter that you love her. I think she will cherish memories more than video guide on how to be a great person.

Jobs had Pancreatic Neuroendocrine Tumor

[rvaniwaa]

FWIW, Steve Jobs had a Pancreatic Neuroendocrine Tumor (often called a PNET or islet cell cancer). What most people think of when they hear pacreatic cancer is an extremely agressive, fast growing cancer that has single digit survival percentages at 12 months. Steve Jobs' cancer was a neuroendocrine tumor which can have survival times much greater than typical pancreatic cancer. I know this because I have a carcinoid cancer which is a neuroendocrine tumor and have been fighting this for years (14 this October).

There's only one thing

[bluefoxlucid]

Take a look at the audiobook for Moonwalking with Einstein. It's uh. There's a line about Bill Clinton copulating with a basketball; that may be a little out of bounds. By necessity, the author makes some touchy references to things.

It's an amusing book, but also a valuable summary of a huge body of knowledge that boils down to one important fact: the human mind, with all its variation, has fixed capabilities. Every person can, through application of effort, develop an incredible memory, mental mathematics skills, great expertise with musical instruments, a solid understanding of engineering, and so forth; in short, every human being is a ready-made genius. The mind is a tool which itself requires skill to use.

Old and new memory techniques, mental math strategies, and study techniques allow us to maximize the use of our mind. Textbook study profits greatly from the SQ3R study method (all modern methods are effectively SQ3R with different names); mnemonics enhance any formal and informal study; anyone who learns mental math through soroban and anzan methods will quickly become a human calculator. Ericsson's research into expertise tells us that a person learns rapidly when they analyze their difficulties and flaws as matters of inappropriate technique, focus on improving those weaknesses, and practice in a way which targets such skills while giving constant and immediate feedback--in short, knowing exactly when we're doing it wrong and why it's wrong gives us the ability to correct and rapidly improve our abilities. It only takes application of technique.

Humans are different. Our experiences shape us; sometimes, brain damage or genetic and biological imperatives shape us. Women think differently than men; asians have different cultural interests than europeans; but we all have the ability to deliberately bestow upon ourselves any skill we wish. Normal humans can even emulate strange humans: synesthesia can be simulated, and this simulation can be leveraged to improve memory; distinct personalities can be created inside the mind by force of will, and a writer or actor can shape coherent, independent characters and complex interactions from these imaginary individuals; artists train themselves to dull the left prefrontal cortex, making themselves capable of the amazing feats of brain damaged savants. Anything one human can do, another can do.

Where you hid the cash

[neminem]

You know, all that cash? The cash you made from cooking all that meth? Don't forget to tell her where you buried it.

Re:Where you hid the cash

[Anonymous Coward]

There's always money in the banana stand.

Re:Gerson

[Anonymous Coward]

Did you EVEN read that link AC?

TLDR:
EVERYONE died in the study, EVERYONE....

Tell her about you..

[Anonymous Coward]

I was largely raised by my grandparents, and now as they are all passed away, or incapacitated I realize I don't know much about my parents as they were younger, I don't really know how they met, I don't know the stupid crap they would have done when they were younger. I feel like I don't fully know what made them who they were (both the "good" and the "bad") and in a strange way I feel like I am this missing a-part of what makes me who/what I am. Tell her the stories about how you became you, what made you interested in the "geek" thinks you hold dear, tell her those dumb things you did and what you learned from them.

Tell her that mistakes are okay, and not to beat herself up over them..
Tell her not to lose faith, regardless if you are religious or not, the importance of faith cannot be overemphasized, faith in herself, faith that she is important, and that she can make the world a better place, and faith that even when life seem awful, it will work out.

NYT and other idea

[kenj123]

New York Times had an article about it a few years ago: Farewell, With Love and Instructions ,By LIZETTE ALVAREZ http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10... One thing that would be nice is take some pictures from family vacations or school events and tell some funny or heatwarming stories about it. the focus should be split between the photos and your reactions to them. your laugh, smile, twinkle in the eye. Sorry to hear and bless you and your family

What I did w/ my geek son

[mordred99]

I am sorry to hear about your prognosis. As someone with a Geek child (now 20) I can offer some stuff for you. There are two ways to go about this: Regular Advice or Geek advice. You can go exclusively geek advice, but that is a short list and technically rather short sighted. You can give regular advice, but can add geek references would probably be more appropriate.

* How to pick a good mate (interests, money, sex, religion, etc.) Maybe include stories of your wife/your courting
* How to succeed a marriage (how to fight, alone time, sex, money, etc.)
* How to be a good partner in a relationship (no passive/aggressive, fight fair, etc.)
* Sex in general
* Self Esteem (how she is good how she is, don't change, positive notes, etc.)
* Geeky stuff you like (TV shows, books, games, etc.)
* Encourage who she is (follow your passions, be strong and confident, etc.)
* Encourage talents (you should be able to see them there, give her suggestions on what to do)
* Money (how to invest, save/emergency fund, net worth, save for retirement, keeping up with the jones, etc.)
* General advice like (top 3 reasons people get a divorce .. money, sex, religion)
* General tech advice (password resets, no 2 passwords the same, once online always online, etc.)
* More general stuff about the world around her (world economy, driving in your area, etc.) anything that you would tell a kid during their lifetime.

Life is short

[tempestdata]

Tell her this.

Do not forget you will die too one day. I am sorry I am gone, but Death is guaranteed the day we are born. It is a certainty that none of us like to think about. We like to pretend it is something in the far future that doesn't affect us. Live your life if the knowledge that you are going to die. Maybe a long time from now, but also maybe very soon. As you live your life everyday, do not forget that you will die. Perhaps it will make you more religious. Perhaps it will make you work harder. Perhaps it will make you not want to work at all. That is the point really.. you will realize your time on this Earth is limited and you will choose to spend that time wisely on the things that matter, instead of wasting it away on things that do not.

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."
- Steve Jobs, Stanford 2005 Commencement address

wisdom I'd pass on

[Anonymous Coward]

Don't expect adults to be perfect: growing up is a life-long process and most people only get part way.

Always be guided by the ethic of reciprocity: be the person to others that you'd want others to be to you.

A magic chant for dispelling darkess: "this too shall pass".

Wisdom from Red Dwarf: "Everything has a beginning and an ending, but it's the part in the middle that counts."

Be aware of the difference between "know" and "believe".

Rules are either to protect you from yourself, or protect you from others, or protect others from you. Before you break a rule, be aware of which type it is.

Value of Learning

[Anonymous Coward]

I would offer her methods for how to learn. You cannot teach her everything you want her to know, but if you give her the tools to really think for herself (Not the regurgitation method she is likely getting in school) and find important information for herself, you will be giving her something truly valuable.

record a series of videos

[mbotner]

If I were in this situation, one thing I think that I would do is to record a series of videos with each one to be viewed on a certain date, like a birthday or some other holiday. It would give my child something to look forward to for a while. Of course, it would be a finite set of videos...

I hope the best for you and your family.

Re:Gerson

[jeffmflanagan]

Suggesting fake cures to people with cancer is pure evil, even if it's just the result of extreme gullibility.

I just have to add

[AttillaTheNun]

That this is an excellent submission and should give all of us something to think about in terms of leaving a legacy to our loved ones should something happen to us, expected or otherwise.

Consider it an extension of a will for the information age.

Just don't ....

[gstoddart]

Don't try to "pass on wisdom". Don't try to saddle her with some deep knowledge you feel the need to impart.

Tell her you love her. Tell her you're proud of her. Tell her she can be a bad ass, or any other thing she wants to. Tell her what is happening. Tell her it's something which happens, and that while it hurts it is a fact of life.

But for the love of god don't try to pass on some parental wisdom she'll be saddled with.

Please note that I'm posting anonymously because I don't want this to be about me. I'd prefer that the focus be on my daughter and how I can best help her. Thank you so much for your help.

Passing on a specific set of wisdom is about you.

You're dying; that is scary, tragic, and will be tough for her to deal with.

Leave her happy videos of you and her and the family, not a proscribed series of messages to be viewed at times in her life. I'm betting she'd rather see videos of you singing Monty Python songs than moralizing from beyond the grave.

Seriously, talk with your wife, talk with your doctor, talk with your friends, talk with your daughter ... but for the love of god don't ask Slashdot what to do here.

By all means do leave behind happy memories and videos to look back on. But don't be so mission oriented. That's just grim.

Re:Just don't ....

[Anonymous Coward]

Yes, I think not to expect anything from her is good. Not even to be happy. Talk about you!

Re:Just don't ....

[Strudelkugel]

My condolences to you and your family.

I lost my dad when I was about the same age as your daughter. That was a long time ago, but I still wonder occasionally what it would have been like to have a father during those formative years. Rest assured your daughter will retain all of her good memories with you. I think writing down your thoughts for her, especially about turning points in life is a good idea, and making videos is, too. But the important thing to resolve from my experience is something work out with your wife. Kids need role models. After your daughter works her way through the trauma of your loss, I think she will seek someone to give her perspective since you will not be there for her, even if she is not consciously doing so. By no means am I suggesting your wife go out and "get a male role model" for her, but rather actively seek the opportunity to find one for your daughter. Maybe the "Big Brothers Big Sisters" program would be a good place to start when the time is right, or maybe another approach. I am sure you have discussed this sort of thing with your wife by now, but I looking back, having someone to go to in the absence of a parent makes a big difference after the loss. I would also archive this /. post for her so that she can see it someday. It will tell her something about the community that you are part of, and that will tell her more about you, too.

Re:Just don't ....

[Anonymous Coward]

Not everyone has a bad relationship with their parents. Some people want and value their input. While this is certainly somewhat for him, it can absolutely be for her too. She's too young to relate to her parents now. She doesn't really understand they are just human. She very well might value his input in the future provided it's honest and straightforward.

Re:Just don't ....

[Anonymous Coward]

This is what I would suggest as well -- make sure you're not saddling her up with some baggage that she's going to carry around for the rest of her life. By this age, who she is is likely well established, and I would presume in large measure that there's lots of you in her already. I would just tell her it's her life to live and make the most of 'now,' the time you have left -- live in the moment. I don't have a terminal illness (to my knowledge), but I do have a 6th grade daughter, and this is what i would leave her with. Some people leave this world without a chance to say goodbye like you do -- glad you are making the most of it. Best of luck!

Excellence in Geekdom

[S810]

First, condolences on your condition. I understand that this is not the optimal outcome but, like you said, you're coming to terms with it. Remember to make the videos about life, her life specifically, not your condition.

Encourage her to embrace those things that that not only make her different to others but also what makes other different to her. Be sure to outline how one decides how to make items or issues priority and what "taking care of number one" means.

I don't envy your project but I endorse with all of the geekry that makes us Geeks and Nerds and good humans.

Best of luck in your venture and just remember that she will have fond memories of you from the time your shared; be honest and concise as possible so there is nothing lost in translation.

Hang in there!

Find Interesting Problems to Work On

[Anonymous Coward]

I have a relatively rare muscular dystrophy that could remain stable for decades or could turn bad with no apparent trigger. I've thought about things like this a bit.

My biggest thing for my little geeks is the following: Find Interesting Problems to Work On. Since this is Slashdot I will now offend all of the people working in programming jobs which involve them solving someone else's problems for money -- don't be a mental prostitute 40+ hours a week, life is too precious.

And never attribute to malice what is readily explained by ignorance and idiocy. For the darling daughter: a lot of geek men are emotional/social idiots, remember they are probably not even aware when they offend you. Don't let their idiocy chase you off -- your confidence scares the bejeezus out of them.

The Scientific Method

[Anonymous Coward]

When I was a sprout, nothing impacted me so much as to understand the kind of imagination it took to undertake science. The scientific method DEPENDS on creative thinking! It first starts with "what if...?"

I can't speak to your background, but if you're surrounded by a certain sort of people, thinking outside the box and solving problems creatively is very frowned upon. "That's the way my granddad did it, and it's good enough for me," were bywords, upon a time.

Teach her that this is the very backbone of knowledge itself: imagining things. After that, you figure out their likelihood, but you BEGIN with thinking that a thing can be done at all, then work backwards to the doing of it. If I could teach anyone something, that would be it.

Sucks balls about your cancer. At least you're trying to use your remaining time constructively. If there's an afterlife, may fortune favor you in it.

First of all...

[frank_adrian314159]

I'm so sorry for your situation and for the sorrow I'm sure it will bring to your family.

All I can say is that we all have different paths through this life and, as such, we all have different things that would be important to us. I would simply say to ask yourself if this is the most important thing you want your daughter to know of you. If it is, I'm sure you'll find some good advice here. If it is not, you owe it to yourself to both yourself and her to say those other things first. I hope you've actually gotten to the point where this really is the most important thing you want to talk about with her. If so, you are a lucky man, regardless of the final outcome, for she knows your heart already.

Advice ... and best to you and your family.

[Bomarc]

Knowing of mortality; my daughter was murdered, my father died to cancer and my wife was recently diagnosed with cancer. The thought that comes to mind - and as a geek you might see it: What was done on Terminator. Record everything you can. Show her that - you were there for her as much as you can. There was a movie -- I watched as a child where a lady found out that had cancer, and wasn't going to live. She made tape recordings for her daughter (I wish I could remember the name)

You might also consider gifts and/or recordings for her -- example 16th birthday, 18th birthday, graduation and so on. Start now, learn to become comfortable with your recordings. The recordings might be video, audio both ... what you feel comfortable with. What little I have of my father are songs that he had song to my mother, and very little of photographs.

As you make the recordings -- I believe that you will think more in terms of what legacy you can provide her. Telling her that she seems to have the same geek that you have, that you were hoping to guild her when she got older. Tell her about going out and getting her that gift for her 16th birthday, how hard it is for you now, and wishing that you were there with her. Much good advise is here on /.

Religious answer

[DoofusOfDeath]

I'm sure this will be contentious on /., but it sounds like you're short on time, so I'm not going to beat around the bush.

It's said that 2000 years ago, Jesus died, and three days later rose from the dead. If this is true, you have access to eternal life for yourself, and you may be able to prompt your daughter down that road as well. Quite literally, you would be able to enjoy each other forever.

I encourage you to check this out for yourself. Every argument and counter-argument has already been studied to death, but the trick in your situation is to get to the key issues ASAP so you can make an informed judgment. A good pastor can help, as he's seen this all before. Personally I recommend reading / listening to Tim Keller. His writings and sermons probably address a lot of questions you might have: http://www.redeemer.com/r/qc_a...

I'm very sorry for your suffering. I wish you and your daughter the best.

Re:Religious answer

[Anonymous Coward]

I second this comment. Death, and the separation it brings with it, is a hard thing to face. My own mother is currently battling metastasized breast cancer that has moved into her lungs. I will miss her terribly when she leaves this life, but I am reassured that we will be reunited one day in the resurrection. Jesus Christ overcame death, and extends that same gift to all mankind (see Corinthians 15:20-23). You and your family will feel one another's absence deeply, but you need not despair that death is the end. It is a temporary separation, one that will end with a joyous reunion in the future.

Wisdom for Daughter

[Anonymous Coward]

Books, religious principles and video. Video of you recounting your proudest memories of her. Give her strength, and toughness to live by. The years ahead will be hard. But she will rise to the challenge and remember you in her life.

I'm sure you know this by now...

[mowaterfowl]

Remind her that we are born to live, not prepare to live.

Tell her how you would feel if she is gay

[Anonymous Coward]

If she is gay/in the closet, you will change her life for the better by telling her you accept and lover her no matter if she is gay or not. Some have heterosexual relationships to hide the truth from their families.

Tell her about yourself

[arocklegend]

There's nothing that your daughter will treasure as much as the story of how you became you.

Re:Tell her about yourself

[Anonymous Coward]

Yes. A thousand times *this*. Anyone can give her advice, but you alone can give her your memories.

She will not watch these videos not for morals and wisdom. She will watch them to remember you and to know you. Tell the adventures of your life. Tell her who you are, what you are passionate about, your quirks, your fears, and how the world was when you were young. Then tell her about herself, your favorite memories of her childhood, and your impressions of her character and potential.

If you really want to pass wisdom posthumously, offer your personal connection. If you want her to grow up to be brave, tell her "I always knew you as brave, and I know you always will be." This will be far more influential and lasting than generic advice to "always remember to be brave."

Finally, get some video of the two of you interacting now. A record of tangible, shared experiences to remember will go a long way.

make one video first and see

[Anonymous Coward]

As someone who once made a video for his family in case he died while he was overseas I can tell you that it is harder than it sounds in your head. I put it off as simple and easy till a couple of days before I left and I was a mess when I did it. Once you have the camera on you and you realize what you're in the process of doing and why, it's going to make you feel terrible and depressed and just keeping your composure and getting through how much you care about your daughter (for me I have no daughters but am very close with my nieces) is going to decimate you.

This is something you could likely come to terms with and push past but also consider how your daughter will feel viewing them. I'm sure she'll appreciate that you loved her and made videos so you could leave her messages through different parts of her life but I'd recommend setting your goals for life lessons at short and sweet. Watching the videos isn't going to be like Bill Nye for your daughter it is going to be a reminder that you're gone. What if she disagrees with something you tell her? How will she feel? Consider how often you want her to see the videos and the fact that at a certain age she's going to want to see all the remaining videos at once regardless of what age you intended them to be viewed at.

I was recently on a UN mission which is different from most military deployments in that you actually get a significant amount of time off. The psychology types tell everyone they need to consider the disruption to their family's life when you pop in and out of it all the time and that it's the going and coming that hurts not the still being away. Of course every single person with children insisted that they were different and their children needed them and they were going to go back as much as possible and talk to their families every day. I watched how miserable it made them to constantly be reminded they weren't with their kids. I heard the stories of how the children were going crazy without their fathers (it could have been mothers but the examples I know of were all fathers.) I heard about the children's nights staying up late chatting online for hours and not wanting to go to bed and the days where all they did was cry instead of developing a temporary life until their father returned. Everyone thinks they are different but most people aren't (in some cases no one is.)

I recommend making sure you leave behind enough so your daughter knows you love her but trying to simply accept that you won't be there to guide her and it might be worse for her if you try. Anything you want to say about how you'd like her to grow up should be passed on to your wife.

NLP & Eastern Philosophies

[dave562]

I really wished that I had discovered a few things earlier than I did. The first is Neuro Linguistic Programming. (Reading: Introducing NLP: Psychological Skills for Understanding and Influencing People by Joseph O'Connor) While it gets a bad rep as being the techniques people use to manipulate each other, I found that it was a solid 'instruction manual for the mind'. Some of the techniques in there made a very positive impact in my ability to learn, and I wish that I had had them in middle and high school when I was struggling with some of the AP work.

The second is eastern philosophy, specifically Taoist and Buddhist philosophy. (Reading: The Taoist Classics & The Classics of Buddhism and Zen by Thomas Cleary.) While technology is cool and all, hacking the body and the mind are way more fulfilling, interesting and beneficial. Some of the practices developed by the ancient masters like tai chi and qi gong are life long practices, and the earlier people get started, the more benefit they will eventually reap from them.

I believe that the majority people who read and contribute to Slashdot understand that our society is seriously ill. In many ways, our society is insane. It can be very isolating and confusing to hold different beliefs. It can be confusing to intuit that things are wrong, yet not understand why... or what the alternative is. I found those alternatives in ancient philosophies that can still be applied to the modern day.

To wrap it up. Children need to understand Neuro Linguistic Programming so that they can see through the bullshit that is constructed by the media, the marketers and politicians. Anyone can benefit from philosophies that espouse the virtues of self cultivation, health and just, balanced societies.

For the OP: Your daughter and wife will be okay. She has your DNA. They have both had your love. They are blessed that you were there to help bring her into the world, and to guide her development. They will miss you, your passing will hurt, but they will be okay.

Re:feminist frequency

[Anonymous Coward]

Maybe he wasn't joking, which is worse in this case.

Re:My mother died of the same... here's what she d

[Krishnoid]

Only you can provide these things about you, so focus on providing them. And IMHO, the thoughts, views, ideas, hopes, dreams that you had, including the ones which nobody else really got when you shared it with them -- share them with her. It's part of what makes you uniquely what you are, and right or wrong, it's something she can keep with her and remember what made you you once you pass on. You can provide the specifics; she and others can provide their own analysis and conclusions later on.

In the future (and the present), you can look up public information on any topic, with varying amounts of research, so I'd worry less about that.

Balance

[pfunk]

To everyone that says "forget the video's spend time with her now".

Spend time with her now, obviously and make some memories. But later on in life, those video's will become important. She may be too young to appreciate them now, or even in a few years, but as time goes on and her memories fade, they will take on a new importance. What you looked like, how you sounded. Being able to show those to her husband or kids will mean a lot.

When it comes to topics, don't focus on trying to impart "life lessons." Tell her about your life. The good, the bad and the ugly. The time you lost your job. The first/last fight you got into as a child. A fun birthday. The weirdest job you ever had. The girl you had a crush on that never knew you existed. Your first girlfriend. Your first breakup. Things that will help her know you. Those will impart the life lessons.

And the one piece of advice I wish I had listened to, "If you go to college, don't skip class."

I admire you

[Anonymous Coward]

This is one of the toughest posts I've ever read online, in an emotional way. I don't know what to say, but whatever you choose to do, I'm certain it will be the best for your family.

And I admire you.

All she needs to know....

[Anonymous Coward]

Sometimes a banana is just a banana.

This has gotten me through life :P

birthdays

[Nite_Hawk]

In addition to your other videos, you might consider making a short video wishing her happy birthday each year. Think about the things you want to say to her at those stages of life.

More generally: Tell her it's ok to fail. Don't spend her life doing things to make other people happy. Also: Don't spend her entire life in front of a computer screen.

Go for Broke

[Anonymous Coward]

If I were in your shoes. I'd pull her out of school, and spend every good day being the best person you can be.

Then I would think about all your major life events, and make a video telling her stories about your experiences, in upsettingly candid honesty. Advice is always tricky, and she's going to make up her own mind anyway.

Tell the fun stories of how you drove to the beach with your brother, and mountain dew spilled all over your lap, and how you blushed when the cute girl giggled.

Tell the sad stories of how you knew it was time to put the dog down.

Speak about what amazes you.

Tell her about that horrible sunburn you got standing in line for the REM concert back in the nineties.

Tell her about the times you regret taking the keys from a drunk friend.

Gush about her first steps in crazy detail like it is among your most vivid memories.

It's times like this

[Anonymous Coward]

"It's times like this I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me."
"Why, what did she tell you?"
"I don't know, I didn't listen."

We lost our dad just before my little brother turned 11 (the rest of us were young adults, he was a latecomer). My kids almost lost me when the youngest was 10. Never mind the legacy messages, you can't possibly know what they'll be going through or what the rest of the world will be like as they get older. Spend quality time with them (her) now. If you get a chance to impart words of wisdom in person, great.

An important lesson of parenthood is that you aren't going to always be there for your kids (although hopefully they make it to adulthood before you go), so they need to learn to get by without you at some point. And they won't understand the loss until much later.

It took about 25 years before I really started to grieve for the loss of my dad, when I had kids of my own. Let her remember you for what you were when alive, not as some disembodied image/voice on a recording.

from a psychologist that has helped children griev

[Anonymous Coward]

I would want my daughter to know the following:
1) I work am a child psychologist and interview parents all the time. When I ask what they want for their child, I am always happy to hear something along the lines of happy and independent when they reach adulthood. Make sure she knows that you goals for her are generalized to her happiness and independence, not specific things such as attend Notre Dame and become an accomplished engineer.
2) Know that she is loved for who she is. (especially by you and her mom) Know that other people do judge you and it can be harsh, but one of the awesome things in life, is that as you get older and are better able to choose the people with whom you interact, the fear of this judgment decreases. The "It gets better campaign" for LGBT youth is a founded on this concept, but I think it applies to all teens.
3) Girls are unfairly subject to society-specific, irrational concepts like having to look a certain way or behave in more rigid patterns. She does not have to follow those patterns unless she wants to.
4) Guys, especially in high school and college, heck many adults, can be driven by hormonally-driven motives. Watch out for hormones combined with lousy environmental circumstances like alcohol, drugs, dark alleys. Guys in high school and college also have immature pre-frontal cortices, resulting in increased impulsiveness. Make sure she has a solid set of friends that help watch out for one another.
5) The world is a fascinating place, go see it with an open mind and find new ideas that make your part of the world better.
6) The meaning of life is elusive, but to some degree we get to define our own. I have chosen that I want to make the world easier and better for other people as my meaning. I am doing so and therefore everything else is usually pretty cool. Make sure she knows to seek meaning in things that she can have control over. Psychologists refer to this as increasing your perception of self-efficacy, which usually correlates with increased optimism and happiness. This will be particularly hard in the face of the uncontrollable circumstances that led to why you are recording these things for her.
7) Record some of the goofy, stupid crap that you loved about your life, and some of the stuff you wish you would have avoided. New details from your life will help her feel close to you even after you are gone.
8) Make sure she knows that she can grieve and that it sucks and it is not fair, and that you feel the same way. Make sure she also knows that if she has a hard time grieving, that it is totally cool with you if she seeks help to figure out all the complex feelings.
9) Let her know that it is okay for her to be happy again. So many people grieving for loved ones feel bad when they feel happy, or feel like they "forgot to be sad". As though they are not doing due diligence to continue being sad over the loss. Making sure she has active access to enjoyable activities and social support. She might feel like she is "forgetting you," but reassure her that you know better. All you would want is for to be able to really enjoy the life she has. Having room in her head for all of the great times your family shared is part of that, but so is her capacity for building new great memories and experiences, and that is not a betrayal to you.
10) I would leave some pictures of prized possessions and experiences, with an explanation of why they are prized. Again, this will let her continue to get to know you.
11) Writing about complex ideas helps us understand and let go of negative feelings associated with things such as death or trauma. I would encourage her to keep a journal, and if comfortable doing so, share it with her mother to help figure these things out. It is a lot easier to recognize incomplete or irrational thoughts when we write them out.
Sincerest wishes for the least painful end possible

Actual advice..

[Anonymous Coward]

She will want to know your love for her.
She will want to know your history and secretes that made you YOU.
She will want to remember the things you love
She will want to know about advice from experiences from a mans point of view. (sex, living with, how we thing differently than women)
She will need encouragement to do difficult things.(finish the tough course in college, work her ass off in the begging states of her career, don't stay with an abusive job or partner of any king)
Specific video is she gets married, her first child, her succeeding children, death, success, loneliness, a special message for her birthdays/graduations, your expectations for her, Drugs, Family values, a message if she turns gay, driving advice, advice on how to handle anti womenism in the workplace/school/life, family history, how you met her mother, your most precious moment of her that already happened birth/first steps/first words/first day of school/etc

But probably best of all, make a movie with her. Going to a parade or theme park, to remind her of an fun and nice time she had with you.

Good luck, and god speed.

And remember, you are lucky to know what time you have, some people are taken quickly, as this might be a preferred way to go, at least you have a chance to say good bye, make these videos, and look death in the eye and say f*ck you.

This sounds science of psychohistory

[Anonymous Coward]

I seems like the Foundation series. An alternative to videos is to make some great memories working on a project together for the time you have left. Something geeky and fun that maybe everyone in the family can do like lego robot construction or find some projects on Maker website that you can do. Working together will give her an intimate knowledge on how you work and solve problems. Also, you will get to spend quality time as a family.

Here are some ideas

[Anonymous Coward]

* If you play video games together, get a high score and challenge your daughter to beat it.
    * When it comes to womanhood, tell your daughter to trust in her mother, both of them will need that bond.
    * Tell your wife to always listen to your daughter, even if she's disappointed by the topic of the conversation, and tell your daughter the same.
    * Go out with your ladies and do something with them that is just the three of you that they can both talk, laugh about, and cry about later and they will do all of those.
    * Be true to who you are right up to the very end.
    * Write some letters to each of them that are for those special days in their lives, Graduation, 1st kiss if he hasn't happened, first day of college, your daughter's wedding, her divorce (hopefully she won't), her kids, your wife's first next love (that will be difficult, but important). Have another family member (your brother / sister / parents / etc..) send those letters.
    * Tell them it's OK to celebrate life and laugh without you there.
    * Encourage them to live life as if the end is always near, while remaining considerate of others.
    * If you choose cremation, have them release the ashes together, whether just the two or with all that love you today, and make it something that's an adventures, like dumping ashes in the middle of the ocean from a chartered sailboat, or after a hike to a favorite spot is reached, or at the base of a tree and if a fruit tree, all the better.
    * Give them both a trinket that they can't lose, like a tattoo that you all share in an obscure part of their body.
    * Laugh with them, lean on them when they offer to help, love them with every smile, tear, smell, and touch.
    * On your videos, leave some awesome old-school knowledge and know-how that's being lost to our modern world.
    * Most importantly, tickle them to keep them smiling.

Kudos for loving them so much. You rock.

Tell her to eat a plant-based diet

[Anonymous Coward]

Unprocessed, plant-based diets have been show to prevent and reverse heart disease, cancer and diabetes.

Tell her your life story

[Anonymous Coward]

You cannot hope to foresee every major eventuality that will occur in her life, but you can do your best to tell her *your* life story (at least the moments you feel were crucial in arriving where you are today - or not arriving where you wanted). After all, some would argue that nearly all of your advice comes from your own life experiences.

What if you were to catalog your life in videos - the events and decisions that shaped who you are, what you stand for, and where you have found yourself at this present moment. She will be free to watch each video as she pleases, you won't have to concern yourself with deciding what she *might* go through in the future, and your insight will be set in context - that is to say your insight will be exactly that, insight into your own life that you would have used to give her advice.

She will have something she can use to truly remember you: who you are, what has happened in your life, what was most important to share with her. A list of videos where you're just giving her advice might be less valuable to her than something where she can, for a moment, forget herself and remember her loving father.

In addition, perhaps there are people in both of your lives whom you trust and respect. Those who can guide her when something you could not anticipate arises. Maybe ask them (and your daughter) if they are willing to remain close and offer guidance/ask questions.

My best wishes to you and your family.

P.S. Don't forget to include the happiest, most triumphant moments in your life. You have an opportunity to create something that she will cherish and turn to when she needs to remember you - a laundry list of dos and don'ts may not satisfy her.

Best Question Ever

[Anonymous Coward]

This is the best question I've ever seen asked on slashdot, ever. I truly hope you can get some words of wisdom here.

This this!! A million times this!!!

[wernst]

How I have no mod points to boost this is a mystery to me, but I hope OP sees this.

My dad died suddenly in an accident when I was just 22, right out of college. I had always anticipated growing up and having a beer with him from time to time, asking exactly the kinds of questions CodePwned listed, and more like this: "What did you see in Mom when you first met?" "What did you learn from your first real job? Your second? Looking back, what would you have done differently?" "What was your first car? But what car did you really want then?"

In other words, these are the questions that kid Wernst would never have thought about asking, or even cared to know, but 44-year old Wernst would give just about anything to know.

Your daughter might not appreciate "adult" thoughts or musings now, or even for a decade or two, but I suspect you'll be thoughtful in how you record and save these videos so that she can watch and re-watch what you record for the rest of her life. So don't forget to to speak to her for those young and special times in her life, but also for that idle Tuesday when she's in her 40's or 50's and is wondering what kind of man her father really was.

In short, I'm not sure how much I'd value a "personal message from the grave" vs. stories that show me what my dad was like.

And make some for your wife while you're at it She knows who you are better than anyone, but she'll want to remember you too. Best of luck to you.

(Who left all these damn onions around here?!)

Re:This this!! A million times this!!!

[Bardez]

I, too need mod points. I was in the same boat. My father committed suicide when I was 21, a senior in college. I was looking forward to graduating and really getting to know him, not just the parental statue that I had as a kid. I did some things as a teenager that hurt my relationship with my father, which included leaving home, and I really wanted to get to know him as a person.

The single most important thing he left me in the abandoned house was a box of old letters, one to a college crush, for example. My father expressed how he was different, socially, and often didn't know how to initiate dating, etc. It hit really close to home, and just knowing that about him was one of the best things I can ever look back on. Finding something in my deceased father's past that was like a mirror into my own person was a truly invaluable find, and you have no way of knowing what traits she will share with you when she is older, and which ones might give her that kind of cherished connection that she might otherwise not know about.

Let her know who you are. Let her know that you love her without condition. Let her know about all the bad choices ahead, and tell her you know that she will handle them well. Tell her that her boyfriend at 14 is stupid, the boy at 16 can't be trusted, and at 25 you are proud of who she's met, who she has become. Write her letters, take pictures, and be honest. Look ahead to when she is 70, when she has grandchildren that you can never meet, but give her things that she can use to introduce them to you. Leave a mark for her to remember you by, and not the fuzzy memories that we all have.

Pick a few things from every year you have had, and just talk about them. And make some for your wife, too. Talk about every date you can remember, how she looked when you first met.

Re:Gerson

[Anonymous Coward]

Was also full of shit generated from organic fruits, vegetables, and coffee.

Most important seven words:

[Pollux]

"I love you"

and

"I'm proud of you."

Let her hear those seven words, and I guarantee it will always bring a smile to her face.

the videos are awesome

[Anonymous Coward]

i want to do that if i'm aware of my impending doom

Dear Friend

[Anonymous Coward]

I know you wanted this to be about your daughter. I just wanted to say to you real quick: I am sorry to hear that, and I will remember you as well as your family. So let me send you a hug.

To your question:
1) Make the videos while she is in school or doing the things that she has to do without you.
2) While she is around you do some videos of your time together.
3) Do as much together as you can now. Let her last memories of you be of laughing together, working together, singing, dacing, playing, what ever it is you guys love to do together.
4) Also don't be afraid to cry with her and be honest about your feelings.
And now that I think about it, the above probably goes for your wife too.
And please forgive my vast hubris in believing that I could give you meaningful suggestions on what to do with your time.
Hugs

Exercise

[Anonymous Coward]

I didn't see this mentioned, but I'd encourage her to exercise. Find something you can do for life. It isn't that exercise will necessarily lead to a longer life, but that it will make your existing life better. Running, swimming, biking, basketball, soccer, baseball, dance, whatever - just do it. There will be times the weight of the world will be on you and exercising will relieve some of that weight. I know this is probably heresy for most geeks, but exercise is one of the best things, if not the best, you can do to improve your quality of life.

Don't tell her you value the time you spent..

[Anonymous Coward]

Tell her ABOUT the time you spent.

Tell her stories about her birth, about things she did when growing up, things you did with her. How you and her mother met. Give her a collection of family stories so as she gets older and wishes she could know you, she can look back to these stories and see who you were, how you saw her mother, how you saw her.

Before my wife's great grandmother died, we spent time recording her stories. She loved to tell them and would bring out different ones for holidays and other times when the family was together. She loved to tell the story of how they managed to have 5 flat tires on their honey moon.I only met her great grandmother once but through her stories, I knew about her and knew why my wife thought she was so important.

What your daughter will want to do most is be able to look at you with new eyes over time. After she graduates, after she has experienced more life, after she has tried to deal with children. And she will be able to go back over your stories and see them as an adult and understand so much more than if your messages to her are that you valued your time with her. The family stories will mean more than your advice to stay in school.

Not that you shouldn't tell her to stay in school or that you valued your time with her, just give her more than that.

Don't focus on wisdom...

[Anonymous Coward]

...focus on telling her about you and your life. That's what she'll want to know about with you lost to her.

What I'd tell my daughter

[GalOnAWire]

Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and what you want out of life. Don't take shit from anyone -- friends, bosses, coworkers, romantic partners. At the same time, understand the difference between letting people walk all over you, and listening to, accounting for, and respecting the needs and opinions of others. Negotiate your salary. Don't be afraid to ask for a raise you feel you deserve. Or a promotion. Don't forget that some dues-paying is required in careers. And that paying your dues makes you a better employee and a better manager later. You can have a husband and children and a career. Or any combination of those things. Having a career doesn't mean you aren't prioritizing your children. Having children doesn't mean that you can't prioritize a career as well. Staying at home with children is hard work. Don't let anyone tell you differently. The same things that make you a nerd in high school will make you awesome later in life. High school is a blip on the radar. Sometimes you will make bad choices. Bad choices do not make you a bad person. It's not the making a mistake that matters most, it's how you correct it, and what you learn from it. Don't be afraid to love, and to let yourself be loved. Sometimes a profound loss makes that hard for people. Love is still worth the risk.

Reading list

[Anonymous Coward]

Giving specific advice, or trying to target specific things you might think happen at various ages or stages of development is fraught. People say things near death in person or in letters that they think are helpful that often end up being a burden on the child instead. You will pass and what you say will have no further impact on you, but what you say can have impact for a lifetime on the child. There will be far, far too much weight put on those words. So proceed with caution. I've seen this kind of "talking beyond the grave" or "last words" go very poorly even with the best of intentions.

In general simple expressions of unconditional love and support are most likely the most useful to your child. They are also the least perishable. Leave your hopes and aspirations for your child out - you shouldn't be creating benchmarks for them. Maybe tell them something about your past rather than what you hope for their future. "I hope you have had a wonderful year, but I'm sure at some point you will have a bad one. Hope that wasn't this year! I remember my worst year was... and then it all worked out..."

I'll contradict someone's advice already given. Leave religion out. That will be an almost certain way to both burden the child and create a barrier between your past self and their future self.

Lastly I think a fairly safe way to "share" and gently "guide" is to provide some reading suggestions. This also takes very little of your time right now when it is most precious and best directed at being spent with your child. Avoid preachy self-help books. Just age appropriate things you think they might enjoy that you also enjoyed. Be sure to emphasize it is something optional to be enjoyed at their leisure - even years "late" - you don't want to be a reading list I don't think. This is one place it might be safe to steer "geeky" if that is your desire. She can ignore them entirely, read them and ignore them, or perhaps read them and enjoy them a lot. Or maybe hate them but be glad to have a window into your tastes.

Best of luck!

Living Positively

[BoRegardless]

Kids need to understand how to be able to accomplish to the limit of their ability for themselves, their family and profession. To do that they need to have the knowledge & self-control to stay healthy in all ways, in spite of peer pressures today.

Kids also need to understand how to deal with loss as it is a part of life and that is difficult to comprehend when young. Maybe it can be stated in a positive light, "Now we both know we have a limited time together, we can focus on important things so you can get the most out of your life."

Helping a child to accomplish something significant really does stick with kids. Steve Jobs told how much he appreciated what he learned from his step-dad in understanding how to build things and why they had to be done "right." Each kid is different.

Re:Gerson

[iggymanz]

ha, guess again in which direction and end of the gastrointestinal tract Gerson inserted his coffee

Spent some precious time listening to Osho

[Silverbul8]

It's very touching life event. May god bless you with courage and piece !! While you will know the best way to spend next few months of your life and I would put one more option for you, to spend some precious time listening to Osho with your family. http://www.oshoworld.com/disco... You can start from any of his spiritual wisdom ....The Zen Manifesto to any other of his speeches !

Some thoughts

[Dracolytch]

Try not to do anything that gets yourself killed or maimed
Think twice before doing anything that could get you imprisoned or pregnant
Everything else is fair game

Do what makes you happy, even if it's just on the weekends
Forgive yourself
Stay curious
Give a shit
Take a risk
Fail early, fail often, learn constantly
Participate
Don't be afraid to ask the stupid question
Abandon perfection
Shut up and listen
Experiment
Take breaks
Reject assholes
Pay attention
Tinker
Omit unnecessary words
Accept criticism only after analyzing it critically
Be wrong
Use your vacation time
Once you have food, water, and shelter, more money will not make you happier
Time is the only resource we have, make the most of it

Cautionary suggestion

[Count Fenring]

I hope this successfully comes off as it's meant, as helpful criticism.

Your daughter is in sixth grade; the best thing you can do might be to spend the time you would on these videos being with her now. The "write a bunch of time-release notes" thing has been promoted a lot lately, but can seriously backfire - I can't find it right now because @work, but there's an article where a woman talks about how that sort of thing can be taken extremely badly - she basically dreads the once-a-year reminder that her father is gone.

Things like documenting your life can certainly be a good idea; but be really careful to set it up so that she can come to it on her own terms, and don't let it turn into something that will attach your passing to all her memories of you.

Read Books

[Anonymous Coward]

Read some of your favorite childhood books. Those that were special to you as a child and those that are special to her. Dr. Seuss, Goodnight Moon, Curious George. etc. Don't just read them to her, but to her potential kids, and even their kids. Pass along your personality, stories, and love for a time when things are young and simple. Share joy.

Acceptance

[Anonymous Coward]

One thing kids always want is acceptance.

Tell her you'll accept her, from wherever you are watching (or not), as who she is. That her geek qualities are awesome, but even if she decides to follow another path, your love for her would not dwindle. Tell her you have confidence in her, that she can find her way to being a functional member of society, whatever that looks like to her. Tell her not to give up hope; that the recovery time from this blow will be difficult, but you will always be there, if only in the videos, egging her on. Tell her you wish you could be there for if she decides to marry, and perhaps have a marriage advice tape for her wedding day. Same for the birth of her first child.

There is an Album by Poe called "House of Leaves" that contains a bunch of pieces from things her father said interweaving in the music. Good for inspiration.

Be Careful

[T.E.D.]

My aunt did this. Right after a divorce, she got breast cancer that spread to the lymph nodes, and game over. She had 3 small kids, and left them a video, which I was allowed to see as well.

I found it really sad. I'm sure she thought she was doing the responsible thing as a loving parent, and didn't have any idea anything else was seeping through. However, she clearly was still angry about the situation, and blamed her ex for the cancer. In the video.

However true or unfair that is, this was the decidedly not the person she was. She was a stunning woman, on the inside and out. She was the smartest person in a family full of postgrad professionals, and attractive enough to spend some time dealing cards in Vegas, and do stints on game shows in Hollywood. She did some really amazing things, and spent her life as the rockstar of our family. I can't express how sad it is to me that the last thing she left her kids with was none of that. It is just now how she deserved to be remembered.

I remember she specifically instructed her daughter about graduating from college (part of the inheritance was even tied to that) and choosing a partner better than she did. He daughter ended up dropping out of college to marry an older man, and has since divorced and remarried. I guess the moral here is that no matter what you do, your kids are going to grow up and make their own mistakes.

Please, please if you want to do this, watch it yourself and pay attention to what you are saying.

Question Everything

[Anonymous Coward]

If I was in your position I'd take one last self-experiment. Ingest a strong anti-fungal and see if it affects the cancer. Something like Pau D'Arco herbal treatment or get help from a doctor that specializes in anti-fungals. Cancers always come with fungus which leads some to believe they are one and the same. The cancer-is-a-fungus theory needs to be debunked or confirmed in the name of scientific progress.

Tell your daughter to question everything, especially the status quo.

Re:Question Everything

[Anonymous Coward]

Think for yourself and question authority.

Re: Question Everything

[Anonymous Coward]

That's nice to hear in some movie but, realistically, to "question authority" in the Surveillance Age, even in the supposed privacy of your mind, is a recipe for suicide. Who know what one may blurt out while intoxicated. This is not the time for rebellious thoughts anymore: this is the time for conformity and obeisance. Anyone not "fitting in" is easily detected. I don't have to explain the consequences. I'm not an authoritarian, just a realist.

the non-geek stuff

[roc97007]

I'd say... (well, I *did* say, in an open letter to my daughter that's been a continuous project for the last few years) that there will be a time just a few years from now (13-15) where your emotions will be in turmoil, and you may not be able to make sense of it or know why you're having the feelings you have. This is a normal part of growing up, and it will pass. You just need to do the best you can and wait it out.

Later you'll go through a different set of emotions and crises when it's time to leave home and set out on your own. This too will pass.

During these times, you may say or do things that you will regret later. Know that your family understands this and will not hold it against you.

All I ask of you is that you follow your heart and strive to do your best. Find something you want to do and become the best you can at it, no matter what it is. Think clearly, make educated decisions, set your own course. The people worth having in your life will remain, the people who aren't will go. This is a natural process.

Many times throughout your life you will be saying goodbye for the last time -- to friends, family, pets. This is part of the price we pay for living our lives. Eventually people will be saying goodbye to you. But your influence on others -- the footprints you've left in other people's lives -- will live on. And this will be enough.

Re:the non-geek stuff

[roc97007]

...also, your facebook page will be up for, like, ever, after you're gone. So be careful what you put there.

oblig xkcd

[roc97007]

http://xkcd.com/791/

Don't be afraid of death

[Baldorcete]

Don't be afraid of death. Or life.

Re:Gerson

[meustrus]

Steve Jobs was mentioned by the OP. His cancer only progressed to the incurable stage because he wasted years trying alternative therapies like you are suggesting rather than the proven effective strategies that could have halted his rare treatable form of pancreatic cancer. The OP who is doing the right thing by accepting reality and using what time he has left to benefit his loved ones. I say this for the benefit of those in the earlier stages who still have a chance: believing in unaccepted alternative treatments is dangerously attractive to the highly educated innovative types. Innovation requires us to question authority and pursue the neglected alternatives. But innovation also means failing 20 times before you succeed. You don't have 20 failures to make with your health. You get one chance to treat a terminal disease. Two or three if you're really lucky. Don't put off conventional therapies with known success rates so you can try that one weird trick.

You can never go wrong..

[PopeRatzo]

..by telling her you're proud of her and that life is too short to spend any of it worrying and afraid. Make the most of the life you have.

I wish you both the best.

Books and movies!

[Anonymous Coward]

Might consider a list of favorite movies and books for her to know you liked - not that she has to read them, but if she's looking for something, it might be useful. Something like:

Hi Sally,

I wanted to list some of my favorite books and movies - you're too young to watch now, but might enjoy later.

Books:
The Name of the Wind
American Gods ...

TV Shows:
Firefly

- Anonymous Coward

You could even follow it up with some video commentary on the book... a personal video review or maybe even a MST3000...

Firstly, be fully present in the moment...

[Anonymous Coward]

It's brave and thoughtful of you to both consider this project and to solicit advice from relative strangers. Here's my 2 cents; hope you find it useful.

1) Impress upon her the importance of choosing good mentors, and surrounding herself with quality people. That is key, no matter what path her life takes.
2) Make sure she knows that she can find her own path and to not feel constrained to a path she may think you're hoping she takes.
3) Help find a (preferably geek-girl) mentor for her to talk to, to boot-strap the mentoring process. This can be helpful to have someone outside of your family to talk to as well. She's fortunate to have a geek-mom to talk to as well.
4) I love the idea of future messages to your daughter, and I have thought of the same for my son, due to a (now-averted) health crisis of my own. However, don't neglect the time that you two have together *now*, either. This video project could get too large to complete easily, and it's worth remembering that you can build a lot of memories together in 2-6 months of quality time. I guess I'd say, make sure you are as fully present as you can be, now, before you spend your precious remaining time on this project.

Create Videos of You With Her

[rabun_bike]

She will want to see you holding her, touching her and being with her. She will want to remember how she felt to have you physically in her life. When she is missing or is going through a rough time she will want to see the two of you together. Record many long moments with a camera on a tripod talking to her about the things in her life. If possible record moments outside with the two of you just being a family. She will treasure these recorded moments later in life probably more than any advice you can give her because in the end she will only want you to be in her life. The videos of the two of your together are a way for her to see you and be with you in her own way. She will never forget you because you are her Dad and she loves you more than anything in life. I have two young daughters and would do the same for them.

Re:Gerson

[FearTheDonut]

From the article:

No conclusions about the effectiveness of the Gerson therapy, either as an adjuvant to other cancer therapies or as a cure, can be drawn from any of the studies reported above.

So if you want to link to a study showing how effective this therapy is, the above link is NOT the one to use. Find one with confirmation of the results in a fairly large, repeatable study.

Tell her about yourself

[irrational_design]

Other than advice, why don't you tell her about yourself? What are your memories growing up? How did you and your wife meet (you wife can tell her, but you will have a different side of the story)? What do you remember about the day she was born? What memories stand out from when she was growing up? What are your happiest memories? What are things you are glad you did? Etc. Even if she doesn't appreciate them, your potential future grand-children might.

What wisdom should you pass on?

[Anonymous Coward]

The one and only truth, we're all going to die, and memory doesn't always make up for presence, but at least you have that.

The boat went by. All that's left is its wake.

Having recently lost my mom to cancer

[SandBender]

I wouldn't worry about doing or saying specific things. There is a temptation to make grand gestures. Don't worry about all of that. Spend a lot of time with her and just be yourself. My mom spent the last month of her life seeing people and helping them deal with the fact that she would be gone soon. She focused on making sure that we were as prepared as we could be for her being gone. It was weird and sad and great all at once. The time we spent together was, despite the obvious differences, very much like the rest of our lives together. We got angry, we got sad, we laughed...in short we lived. Nothing was left unsaid. When she did die I was sad for myself but happy that she was done with her ordeal.

Videos are great but again I would focus on keeping it simple. When I watch the few videos we have of my mom I am far more interested in seeing and hearing her than what she is actually saying. I'd rather have a video of her just interacting with people and having fun than a video to me specifically.

What I miss the most are the daily interactions with my mom. I can't have those again but having ways to re-create the experience her being "around" is what means the most to me. Your daughter will have a lot of people to give her advice...what she'll miss is experiencing you as a human being. Maybe you can give her that by just recording your life with her and your family. She is smart and insightful and she'll get what she needs out of it when she needs it.

I wish you all the best.

Strength to you and your family

[Anonymous Coward]

Your post is beinging tears to my eyes. I do not cry easily.

I think the most important thing for her to know is that even though your body will be gone, you will in fact live on forever in her memory. Despite the fact that you will soon pass, your love for her.. what you have already taught her,... will never go away. Tell her that the light from the stars is your love shining on her, so that she will know you are happy.

Beyond this: make sure she knows she is strong. That even in moments of feeling weak, she will always have the power and abilities to find her way. That you know she will succeed in whatever she does.. and when she needs extra strength, she is to think of your love for her.

Message me - let me connect you with the JAJF.

[FloridaGuy]

Please help me make sure that OP sees this - maybe Mods can help?

I am friends with the founder of this charity - I want to bring OP together with the JAJF. See their mission below. http://www.jajf.org/home/

If they are able to help OP (certainly I can't guarantee anything) they would send OP and family on a vacation to spend time without stress and pressure to simply be together and mint special memories for daughter and wife to carry forward.

OP - Message me if you are interested.

"JAJF celebrates treating families to WOW! Experiences since 2006. The Jack & Jill Late Stage Cancer Foundation was inspired by Jill and Jon Albert’s real life story. During Jill’s fight with Stage IV metastatic breast cancer, Jill, Jon and their two young children quickly realized that the disease was not just attacking her body, but it was affecting the entire family. The Alberts knew that strong memories of special times together would be both their kids’ greatest inheritance.

From this notion and inspiration, the Jack & Jill Late Stage Cancer Foundation was born.

“The children need a break - they just need a break - and so do the parents. This foundation needs to continue. It must.”
  - Jill Albert (1961 - 2006)

Stories

[sls1j]

Tell your stories, your life history, what you remember about your own parents, grandparents, brothers or sisters, and about her. These stories will allow your daughter to stay connected with you. These stories will show your values. These stories will help her know a little more about herself. Tell every story you can think of. Then not only will she connect with you but also your grandchildren, and great-grand children in future generations.

Re:Stories

[sls1j]

Also let her record the stories. Let her be involved now. That way she can ask you question while you are still here to answer.

Dont record the videos

[Charliemopps]

Don't record the advice videos like you've suggested you would. There are a number of stories about people who've done this and it's turned out badly. If you're just saying things like "I love you and hope you're doing well!" that's great... But advice? Advice needs to bend and twist with circumstances. You've no idea what situation your daughter will be in 20yrs from now, and how the video could appear to her. What if one of the videos is "Congratulations on the degree!" and she flunks out? She'd be fine and likely do well in life anyway, but that video would be painful.

My mother came from the deep south, and her advice about African Americans when I was a child likely would have been to stay away from them. But now, as an adult, my wife and I adopted an African American child, who is the light of my mothers life. They are inseparable and she's now an emesary of inclusiveness to her southern relatives. Circumstances changed all of us, and any static, unalterable message from 30yrs ago had my mother been terminal would have done nothing but cause us pain now.

Pass on your love and support. Leave the advice for the living.

make a list of books and movies that impressed you

[circletimessquare]

give her the list

tell her anytime she thinks of you, to read one of those books/ watch one of those movies

you can bond with her from the beyond

What My Father Instilled In Me

[brian.stinar]

I'm sorry that you won't be around to watch your daughter grow into a woman. I am extremely lucky that my father is still alive, and an an active part of my life. I am thankful for that. When I think of the values that my father worked (is still working...) on instilling into me, they are love, a respect for formal education as well as informal learning, and a good work ethic.

"...and the greatest of these is love." Despite the partial quotation, and not exactly intended application, I think this quote is applicable to your situation. If you only can share one thing with your future daughter, I hope it is that you love her very much. Other values are important, but I think the most important thing for a child is to know that they are loved.

Oh the places you'll go...

[Anonymous Coward]

A lot of good ideas... and this being /. here are mine.

Skip the videos - they will be old, trite, and off target by the time they are viewed.

Go buy a copy of Dr. Seuss's 'Oh the places you'll go.' Sign it with something appropriately mushy (e.g your loving father/dad) and a small bit or word of personal wisdom from yourself (be sure to use a long-term archival-ink pen!). Ask that your wife give it to your daughter on the 1st anniversery of your death. This date will be extremely hard. May even be harder than the actual funeral services.

Find appropriate gifts/cards/momento's, from yourself to her - for key moments in her life - Sweet-sixteen, high-school graduation, college, marriage, first birth and 'in the future'. These should not be expensive, but from the heart.

Then spend time with her. Go and do what you can with her in the time you have left. Be there at her sport/concerts/plays. Take a zillion selfies with her. Maybe a video of the two of you. Pick one - you'll know... The one! and place it in the book next to your signature.

And... tell her, she still has to do her homework, eat her veggies, and get a good night sleep. That your passing doesn't change those things.

Make sure your finances, account/passwords, etc. have been passed along to your wife. Save her as much pain and suffering with the day-to-day minutae as possible. Spend quaility time with her as well. Leave her with as good memories as for your daughter. Remember - she's now your proxy.

Fred in IT

Whole food, plant based diets

[Anonymous Coward]

There's a lot of research around about extending your life expectancy significantly after a cancer diagnosis by switching to a whole-food, plant-based diet.

Here's something about Steve Jobs: https://www.drmcdougall.com/misc/2011nl/nov/jobs.htm

Everything

[think_nix]

Condolences to you and your family. Many have touched upon many things to share humanitarian, ethics, geek stuff and how to do xyz. Basically everything and anything that has touched your life and made you who you are.

What I would do in such a situation is keep that recorder handy. When you have an idea or something you even think is up there that you want to share, DO IT! Dont second guess, just say/record it! Regardless of what condition emotionally or otherwise you may find yourself in, she will treasure it for the rest of her life.

Wishing all the best,
think_nix

If it were me...

[hodet]

This is very touching and I can only begin to imagine, as the father of a 5 year old son, how I would cope with this. Strangely enough, I have given it some thought in the past. What if I am not here, how will my wife and son fare? What would I want to tell my son, being the age he is at and all of the experiences I would miss. You have already touched on video messages but also consider leaving her your written thoughts. These can be shorter musings, your inner thoughts to share with her. Stuff she can pick up without having to experience the intensity of a video. Take the opportunity to share who you are with her, your values, your hopes and dreams for her. Let her know that you love her mother, why you love her. This can be important to her later when she is experiencing her first relationships.

When I was in University (many years ago) I got my degree in Business. Majored in HR and got a job as an employment counsellor out of university. Business is what was needed in the world, and there were opportunities there. I was miserable. I once read of a man who spoke at a Career Day at a high school. In question period a student asked him what he should study, what did the world need. He took a deep breath and said that this was the wrong question. Ask yourself instead what gives you passion, then do that. Because what the world needs is people with more passion. It stuck with me and I moved into a Technology stream which is always something I enjoyed (it wasn't so clear cut when the major technology in the office was the photocopier). IT was not really even recognized as a profession in the business world at the time.

Apart from that, don't be afraid to post online in various circles with your real name. I use a pseudonym here because I would not really want some of my old comments to come back and haunt me. I could be a dumbass when I was younger. But lately (past several years) I have take to using my real name. My approach is to always post in a way that I can stand behind what I said as a person, even when posting pseudo anonymously. With your real name out there commenting on technology, social, political or business issues it is an opportunity to raise the level of discussion because it will force you to reread before hitting 'Submit'. Once it is on the net it will always be there, a legacy for her, that she can come across and be proud of. I would want my son to see a father who was engaged with the world and interacted with it in a dignified manner and with humour (maybe bad humour, he can judge that I guess). Life shouldn't always be serious.

Good luck to you in the coming months. I feel priviledged to have read your story and that you took the opportunity to reach out to your fellow geeks here.

Re:feminist frequency

[Anonymous Coward]

Feminist Frequency makes pretty negative messages. Messages that deserve to be spread, don't get me wrong, but not necessarily the sort of uplifting material I'd want to be thinking about on my deathbed. Criticism of society != advice on how to be happy.

Also, I'm AC because flamebait?

Talk about your history

[Anonymous Coward]

My father passed when I was in college.

What I really never got from him was his history. What was his childhood like. How was college, meeting my mother, etc.

What did he know about his parents' life, and their parents' life?

These details are the ones most likely to fall into a memory hole. I feel our personal history is what tends to make us who we are (on top of our genetics).

Live the life you want

[Anonymous Coward]

As a fellow girl geek and artist I would say:

Don't change for others, but don't be afraid to change your mind.
Don't let anyone tell you what you can or not do. If you can see the path to it, then it is possible.
Take responsibility for your decisions bad or good, don't blame others.
Don't make decisions that you cannot live with for other people's sake.
Live the life you want, and don't be afraid to work hard to make it happen. Nothing in this life is easy.
Don't get stuck on past mistakes, learn from them and grow.

However, there is one thing that is she needs to know and that is that you love her. That you love her, and that it is not for what she might achieve or not achieve, not for what her interests are or her career choices, but simply for being exactly who she is, whatever that might turn out to be.

And you obviously do, and she probably knows. Hearing it will help through. Really, regardless of what other stuff you might put in there, this is the one that will matter most.

Set her own schedule

[Anonymous Coward]

I read an advice column where a daughter's father had left videos, and with all the stress of the wedding she didn't feel emotionally prepared to watch a video of her father on her wedding day. So perhaps you should let her know it's ok for her to set her own timeframe for watching the videos to avoid adding to the stress of already emotional times.

What is death?

[Anonymous Coward]

“Death is a stripping away of all that is not you. The secret of life is to "die before you die" --- and find that there is no death.”

  Eckhart Tolle

Michael Keaton Did A Film called My Life

[Anonymous Coward]

If I remember correctly - he makes videos for his son as part of the film. Possibly some good ideas to pick up from that.

My own advice though, is that you can't hope to educate your daughter on specific issues, or pass on anachronistic wisdom in a changing world.

I can speak from the point of view of a girl who lost her dad at a young age. The only constant thing is the relationship that existed between you and your daughter - if you can remind her how important she is to you, then she will always remember to value herself.

Guiding framework

[csb]

One possible guiding framework:

1) Moral clarity - Not everything is relative. Right and wrong exist; discover which is which (in your mind), and how to tell the difference. Incorporate this into your core beliefs. Trust your gut. Wield an intransigent mind. Pushing the limits of conformity and mediocrity is an important part of human existence.

2) Human nature - Learn to recognize and anticipate the patterns in what causes people to do (or not do) things. This has changed very little throughout recorded history. Improving your understanding -- I mean brutally, honestly acknowledging what makes people tick -- will serve you well.

3) Critical thinking - Spend a little time learning about logical fallacies, and the other clever methods humans use to delude themselves and others. Critical-thinking skills are both an inoculation against being misled, and also well serve the other principles above.

Beyond that, the rest will come more easily. You will have strengths and weaknesses, in proportion. You will pursue subjects that interest you. You will have problems along the way, but you will be guided by a framework (perhaps even something vaguely resembling this framework... or another... or your own).

If you find receptive people along the way, gently teach them what you have learned... and then do not become too disappointed when they do not learn. *You* know it, and that is the most important thing.

One more thing: Do not feel guilty or sad about existing on Earth. This is all for you, as much as it is for anybody or anything else. The best revenge is living well... by which I mean, a culture of life - living your way, to serve your values, and ignore the herd.

I wish you the best of luck.

We are all terminally ill.

[Anonymous Coward]

And that, since life is a true gift, one with no giver therefore no expectation of owing for it, all that matters in life is what YOU make matter to it.

All purpose to your life, for as long as it exists, is the purpose YOU place in it.

And even if it ends earlier than you expected, you still had opportunities that so many other potential people never had. Be amazed at the opportunity you have, even if you wished for more.

short encouraging videos

[Anonymous Coward]

Record few short positive, encouraging videos. "I love you", " I'm proud of you", "Don't worry, you'll do better", etc. Then she or your wife can play it when appropriate/needed.

Best of luck to them

Whatever else you do...

[Anonymous Coward]

Tell her that you love her, have always loved her and always will love her.
And that death is not the end. At her age she need not worry about the complexities.

Teach her how to deal with the opposite sex

[Anonymous Coward]

Or same, if that's her thing. But at any rate, a father's biggest contribution to a daughter is giving her a role model for how her future relationships should work. She's about at the right age, too.

Sounds like her mom will handle the technical, don't use your last few months on teaching her a new programming language or the like. Teach her about people, and how to work together, the things that *really* make us happy. The happiest people have a sense of community. Teach her that.

Just talk!

[Vrallis]

Share stories, share your thoughts, share your ideals and values, but don't lecture. Just talk about yourself and your own feelings. Stories about your experiences with her when she was little (things she likely wouldn't remember herself) would be great as well.

As others have pointed out lecturing and advice type videos will likely not sit well with her, cause undue burden or distress, or simply be ignored. If you want to make some videos like that you'd want them done in such a way that she wouldn't see those until she was in her mid-20's, about the age most of us started to finally mature mentally and emotionally and could actually accept, even crave, that sort of advice.

I like the idea of an extended trip. I'm not sure about pulling her out of school for it, but if you feel you may still be okay come time for her summer vacation, plan something then. Don't make rigid plans, either--nothing makes a trip more stressful than strictly scheduling every moment. Just say you'll travel some rough route with a few places to hit, but no firm dates--a classic road trip.

Most of all, don't totally give up hope on yourself either. Until you're actually in the final stages with organ failure there is always the chance that (real medical) treatments may still win, or at least heavily delay, what seems inevitable right now.

Dos Centavos

[Anonymous Coward]

Whatever reveals the truth in your heart to her is orders of magnitude more worthwhile than volumes of words from your head that really point nowhere meaningful.
Give that and allow it to do what it will -- because it will.

Nature, books and people.

[Anonymous Coward]

First, Sir, as a scientist and educator you will be sorely missed. We need all we can get.

Videos and lessons
- Death, you will have passed she has to go on and be awesome before her own number is up. Life is brief and has to be seized.
- Girls kick ass, at least as much as us boys. As a species we are underperforming because one of genders is expected to be weak and helpless, she isn't.
- A book list along with suggested ages and your recorded reactions to the books, she should read the book before watching your reactions.
- Her mother, tell her about you and her mother. This will be very important when she grows up and enters a relationship.
- Yourself, why you do what you do, what decissions took you where you are, even regrets.

Cautionary tale (my $.02) on how death affects people.
One of my aunts married an army man, because of army negligence he contracted Hepatitis C while in the service at 22 years of age. He went on with his life and had 3 daughters. After a few years the symptoms started to show up, by that time his liver was severely damaged and he needed a transplant. He lived in this state for a few more years, until he finally got a transplant. A few months after that he went into rejection and passed. His daughters all grew up under this constant shadow of their fathers death.

While it may sound harsh I don't think that his family (wife and daughters) dealt with his loss very well. One of them even hastly married during a particlarly sick period only to divorce right after he died. None of them lead what I would call a healthy and rewarding life. He was a good man and wanted the best for his daugthers but sometimes i think if he handled his desease and death a little differently his family would be better off.

So Sorry :(

[Anonymous Coward]

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear of this, but I think it is good that you are putting your daughter first and doing what you can to continue to be there for her after you are gone.

Make lots of those videos, my friend. Make a list of everything - suggest names for her kids and pets as she grows up - tell her about places you've been - tell her you will miss her too. You may or may not be able to get a six year old to understand why you have to leave her, but do your level best to make sure she does understand, in hopes she will not become angry.

Now for the uncomfortable part. Tell her you'll always be her "daddy," but that it is okay for someone else to become "dad." Your wife and child may not wish to go it alone for so long, and eventually, as uncomfortable as it is, your wife may meet someone else. You need your daughter to understand that this is okay with you, otherwise she may resent someone else trying to "take your place." I have experience with this, as my wife was a widow with a child about your daughter's age. Her father was good enough to have this conversation with her, and so she was a bit more accepting.

God Speed, my friend.

Lost a Parent to Cancer

[Anonymous Coward]

I am a scientist and father myself, and I lost my mother to cancer when I was eight years old, and so your post resonated with me. What would I have wanted her to say to me if she had recorded a set of videos? One thing that occurred to me is that there are these moments in my life when I felt my mother's loss acutely and profoundly. And these moments just sort of sneak up on you sometimes. You're not expecting them and then they hit you like a ton of bricks. I think there are a few things you could do to reduce the impact of those moments.

Here are some ideas:

1. Tell your child that you will be with her always. It's important to let her know that nothing...not even death...could ever take you away from her. Death may take your body, but everything that you are (all the important stuff, anyway) will remain by her side for the rest of her life. Let her know that she can talk to you if she's feeling down or lonely. Tell her you won't be able to offer her advice, but you'll always be a good listener. Tell her if any adult ever advises her to stop talking to you and "let you go" that she should tell them to suck it!

2. Make a video for each of the big milestone events in her life. Dad sipping a glass of champagne and giving a toast for her wedding. Dad expressing his pride and joy at the birth of her first child. Don't just say it. Put yourself in the context and feel it and express those genuine feelings to your child. You should probably consider giving these videos to your wife with instructions to only share them with your daughter if one of these events occurs (you wouldn't want her to pursue a milestone she doesn't want just because you made a video for it).

3. Tell your wife to make sure your daughter knows what day your birthday is. How you do this is up to you, but I would suggest some sort of simple ritual of remembrance (light a candle, split a birthday cupcake, whatever) each year on your birthday so your daughter has the date memorized, just like she has her mother's birthday memorized. One of the most profound feelings of loss for me was when I went to a family reunion one year when I was in my 20s. Everybody was standing in a line to sign some sort of book. When I got to the front of the line, a distant relative asked me to write down my name and birthday and my mother's name and birthday. It just hit me like a ton of bricks: "I don't know my mother's birthday." I just stood there stunned at the front of the line, holding a pen, embarrassed and traumatized that I didn't remember my own mother's birthday. There will be occasions where she needs this information (applying for a clearance?) and she should have it memorized.

4. Take the time to think about the times in your life when you've failed at something and what you learned from those failures. Failure is a hard lesson, but the best wisdom is always hard won. This is probably the most valuable advice you can share because you lived it and know its value. She's also your daughter...she might be prone to making some of the same mistakes without your guidance.

5. John Ruskin: "The highest reward for a man's toil is not what he gets for it, but what he becomes by it" and Robert Frost: "Two roads diverged in a wood and I -- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference". When given a choice between two (or more) options, choose the less traveled option (usually the more challenging path) and you will become a rare and powerful person.

Please feel free to ignore any suggestion that doesn't resonate with you. You know yourself and your daughter best. By the way, children are more resilient than we give them credit for. I overcame the loss of my mother and went on to become a rare and powerful person by following Ruskin and Frost's advice. I wish you and your daughter the very best.

Re:from a psychologist that has helped children gr

[kaizendojo]

Brilliant. I wish I had points to mod this up. I've cut and pasted this. Thanks!

what I would do

[Anonymous Coward]

I guess, what I would do (baring the technical parts and implementation);

is I would record things like who i am, my upbringing what shaped me, etc then move on to the good and bad things that happened and what I learned from them.
also, things I remember about my own family and history.

I also, would talk about some of my favorite books, movies and music.

as far as "advice" I would break it down to major things that i had issues with or things that i think may happen and talk about them in such a way as to help my kids with the issue without me being dracoion from the grave, sort like ok when i bought my first house here are some of the issues, and here is what i learned
sorta format.

this will make it easier to watch for them, and impart any wisdom I may want to leave at the same time.

What was told to you?

[Anonymous Coward]

I suggest that you impart what makes you, you and your relationships with her and her mother so powerful.
Impart lessons/sayings/stories that you found important (perhaps in hindsight), who told you them, why you think they did, how it helped you, & how you think it may be of use to her.
Tell stories that you find interesting for the down times, something that your parents/grand parents said, stories about your different stages of life, what they meant to you. Just stuff about your life.
What books, poems, TV, theater, games, entertainment, sports, experiences, travel, movies, art and or hobbies made a difference in your life. Share some of this now if possible.
How you met her mother, how you treated her, how you fell in love and got married; these can help her later in life to find what you have or dodge the wrong people. What stories of her as a child are most memorable to you.
If she is a 'thing' person, find something that meant the world to you and give it to her saying why you want her to have it.
Do all this recording business while she isn't available to be with you... talking about these things in person and the experiences you can have with her soon will be worth more.
I say all this because this is what made a difference to me when my father passed with 3 months notice.
I wish pray for you and your family the best outcomes possible.
graphx3d

Books

[Anonymous Coward]

A list of books worth reading, with brief commentary.

Values, life-long love of learning

[dbc]

My own father passed when I was six years old. Still, his memory was a huge influence on my life. Through my mother, older siblings, and business associates of his, I was constantly reminded of his values. He was known as an honest man of high integrity. I wanted (still want) to be known the same way. That has always been a tall order to live up to. But I am better for it.

He also expected me to learn something every day. I still remember coming home from kindergarden and being asked "What did you learn today?" -- if I said "nothing" or "not much", I was told that wasting a day like that was unacceptable. He expected a specfic, concrete answer to that question each and every day. He belived in education and served on the school board. He encouraged all of his children to pursue higher education in what ever area they were passionate about.

Meet awesome people and have adventures

[vinn]

I'd recommend teaching her to go out of her way to meet awesome people. Go work at that amazing summer job that pays crap but lets you be a scuba instructor. Spend a few months traveling around Thailand. Take a NOLS course. Volunteer for a fantastic organization. I imagine to some degree she'll have a safety net in life - she can always move back in with Mom. Let her know that failing won't be the end of the world and risks are worth taking.

Consider This Carefully

[Stormy Dragon]

Since I will not be around for all of the big events in her life, I am going to create a set of video messages for her that she can watch at those important times or just when she's having a bad day. I would like to do this before my condition progresses to the point that I am visibly ill, so time is short.

A story about a daughter who was the recipient of such letters from her dead mother:

Letter Day Saint

Rebecca was 16 years old when her mother Elizabeth died of cancer. But before she died, she wrote letters to Rebecca, to be given to her on her birthday each year for thirteen years. At first the letters were comforting, but as time went on, they had much more complicated effects.

While I understand the desire to "be there" for you daughter, the painful fact is you will not be. And as the years pass, the less and less likely it's going to be that your imagined future version of your daughter is at all like the actual person your daughter becomes. This is going to create stress as she's now constantly being reminded by your videos of how she's failed to live up to your dreams.

Job advice

[Anonymous Coward]

Don't necessarily try to get a job doing something you like. Focus on getting a job that you're good at. If you're good at the job, and it's in a field that you enjoy, great! But 9 times out of 10 trying to get a job doing something you like but aren't good at is going to lead to a frustrating life.

Do what you're good at so that you have an easier time advancing, getting paid more, and ultimately just having an easier, less frustrating life.

Devote your leisure time to doing the things you like, and if you find that you're pretty good at it, there's always time to change direction later. It's a lot harder to maintain these options with a low-grade job that you struggle with and will likely be stuck in until you accept that you're not very good at it, and you're also more likely to burn out on the things you used to enjoy if you're forced to do them every day rather than having a choice to do them.

Not Always Important Moments

[Anonymous Coward]

FYI, I'm male, and haven't yet lost a parent, so I'm trying my best to imagine what I'd want should a parent have died when I was young.

I'd say, in addition to the 'important videos', including videos of you simply discussing things you love would be good. Give her videos so she can get to know what you were like, good (liking Star Wars) and bad (liking ketchup on your hotdogs). Anything you have passion about, video yourself ranting and raving about the merits. Maybe video a discussion between you and your wife that you have differing opinions on (how awesome/lame is the new lightsaber handle). If you enjoy doing stuff with your hands (Legos, modeling, art) video yourself doing some of that. Finally, just tell stories about yourself from when you were younger, maybe some with lessons you learned, maybe some just because they're fun.

Audio

[justthinkit]

My father was a great story teller. I regret I never recorded audio of any of his stories.

My father sang a few songs in his final months. Those made it to cassette, and I digitized those. Priceless.

I would record yourself doing something you love. Take a walk, and record your thoughts on it. Go for your favorite drive and narrate why you like it so much. Go to the library and give a guided tour. Sniff a rose, and then talk roses.

If you have a lot of "core thoughts", record those.

If you have a great laugh, get that recorded.

And through all those recordings, intersperse your core values, your love...for your daughter, life, your work, space travel or organic zucchini.

I've logged a bit of face time with my replacements. I always emphasize that I would want them to be happy, not sad, when they think of me.

Namaste

Advise her

[Anonymous Coward]

Be what makes you happy, not what others say you can be.
Do what makes you happy, not what others say you can do.
Share your happiness with others, even when they're not ready to share theirs.

Your own humanity

[rjh]

It's commendable that you want to pass on wisdom. But I suspect your daughter isn't going to miss your wisdom anywhere near as much as she's going to miss you. What is it that makes you so uniquely you?

For example: I have some really strong memories associated with science fiction, particularly Poul Anderson's Tau Zero. So I might record myself reading Tau Zero, and whenever I reached a passage that really resonated with me I might go into a long digression about why it resonated with me, and things in my life and history that also strike that same thematic note. By the end of it, she would know not only that I loved Tau Zero, but she'd know a lot more about me and why I loved it and why it spoke to me and why, with only six good months left, I'd choose to spend six hours of it recording it for her.

Wisdom is overrated. It really, truly is. It's valuable but it's not the best thing out there. And I say that as the son of a father who has the keenest mind I've ever known, a guy who has enormous life experience and wisdom and has shared it with me freely throughout my life. If-and-when he goes, I'll miss his wisdom a lot. But I'll miss him more.

The most important gift you have to pass on to your daughter isn't your wisdom. It's you.

what I have done...

[Anonymous Coward]

I too have stage 4 pancreatic cancer, however, my is the "good" kind (or at least better then the 6 months to live kind). It is slow growing and at the moment the medicine I am on has slowed it down to the point of being stable... While I did a couple of the videos for those special moments, I made more of me reading kids books and having fun with it. I read to my kids from the time they were born up until they could read themselves and that is one thing that I would/will miss for their grandkids. This way their kids will get to know grandpa. And if, crossing fingers, I am still around for them, they can still use the DVD's for when we are to many miles away for me to be there. Just another thought....

Make videos if you must

[waspleg]

but make sure you have a (preferably handwritten) transcript for her too. Who knows if your videos (or their formats) will survive while a bank lock box and some hand written notes on carefully selected paper will likely weather time better.

As for the rest, tell her what YOU think is important for her to know. You can't ask us for that - and I somehow doubt that will have much to do with your education nor station in life.

Tell her what she has meant to you

[Anonymous Coward]

Share with her your important memories about her. What you did with her, what she meant to you, how she was when she was younger, what you liked about her then, what you like about her now; how she changed as you watched, and how she changed you.

A child can understand that kind of thing because she knows at least her side of those things. She'll know that even if she couldn't save your life, she did a lot for you; that she made a huge difference. That will give her comfort and strength in grief. And if she learns that she can make that kind of difference for people, she'll have learned the best of what you could have taught her if you'd lived to a hundred.

Bad Times and Good

[Etherwalk]

Include videos for really bad life events. As unpleasant as it is to think about, she may one day be a victim of domestic violence, rape, or arrest--all very common, and all times when someone most needs support in their life.

Also, encourage her to understand money, so she won't be at the mercy of those who do.

And think about the ten hardest times in your life. What were they, what did you learn from them that you want to share with her.

And come up with a video for her wedding, maybe for her divorce, and for future weddings, and for if she never marries.

And one for her grandchildren, to tell them about these tapes that your daughter is passing on.

Re:Gerson

[Anonymous Coward]

newsflash: everyone dies eventually

Re:from a psychologist that has helped children gr

[SuperGus]

Well done AC, thank you

I love you

[Anonymous Coward]

She can learn life lessons from multiple people. They might even have a better perspective, because those people may know more about the situation that she finds herself in many years from now.

There are things my father has taught me. There are things I have learned from other people.

My father said that he loves me. That's not something I've got from as many other people in my life.

Someday, hopefully, she'll live to be 35-40. When she's that age, she might not need advice about how to get through the teenage years; she'll have the adult perspective. She may not need more learning. She may benefit from the life lessons you taught her, but she might not remember that a particular lesson came from you. But if she's raising a child of her own, she might benefit from remembering a parent's thoughts about loving a child.

When she's 75 years old, she may think about the life she's lived. She started out with two parents. By the age she was 62, she had none left. That's common. By the time she was thirteen, one of her biological parents departed. That's less common. If she can remember one thing about you, what do you want it to be?

"He led me on the path to live a life that heavily involved computers."
or
"He loved me."

Which do you want more? This doesn't have to be an either/or, but don't forget to stress what's important. Yes, parents teach. But they are love. If you love her, don't let her have reason, later in life, to have doubt about what your feelings about that topic were like at the time.

Also, encourage her mother to do the right thing. Mourn, and move on. Make sure your daughter doesn't lack a later father in her life just because mom wanted you to be remembered. Your daughter's old enough; she'll remember. But her life may benefit by having that particular torch be passed. There is benefit to memories; benefit to mourning, and benefit to two-parent families. They may have an easier time adjusting to new changes if they know that you wanted their lives to be full, negatively impacted as little as reasonable.

Remember that if you're 35, and she's 12, then in ten years she'll be 22. But in 30 years, she'll be 42. She'll be older than you. Would you like to have a last chance to hear from one of your parents? Probably. Give her life-long advice; not just what she needs to grow up.

Be joyful that you have this opportunity. Victims of cancer may get time to do this. I just heard last week of a man who died in 3 weeks. Victims of a car crash may have even less time (none).

Re: I love you

[Anonymous Coward]

Very sorry to hear about your condition.

Why not make a series of quick videos on a variety of milestone subjects? Your wife can be the one to reveal each as each is required and keep them hidden until then.

Perhaps

- One for each birthday year up to 30
- 'So you come out as gay... Don't worry about it'
- 'So you are getting married tomorrow?'
- 'Congratulations on your PHD'
- 'I hear you are being bullied at school...'
- 'You are having a baby! Here are my tips'

Etc

If each one is only a minute or two you could potentially make 100s for 100s of situations.

Nothing would be the same as you actually being there -- but a series of videos only revealed as a surprise in certain situations could be wonderful for your daughter.

All in all -- best wishes. I really hope the best for you and your family.

It's already been said.

[Crookdotter]

I don't have anything to add beyond what is above, however I wanted to just write that I'm sorry for their upcoming loss, and yours at not being there for longer. Make the most of now seems to be a running theme that I'd subscribe to in your position.

Again, sorry.

Top 3

[sexconker]

The top 3 pieces of advice, ever:

3: Think about what you want to do before you do it.
2: Use the proper tool for the job.
1: Floss.

Synthesizers

[Scottingham]

If she likes music and is geeky, introducing her to the world of analog (and analog styled) synthesizers would be a great combination of the two.

Two other things and one suggestion

[mseeger]

I am sorry to hear about the seriousness of your illness and admire your for dealing with it so openly.

Since I had death and illness of a close relative lately, I would ask you to think of two things:

- Give full powers to someone to deal with your affairs when you cannot
- Make sure you have a current patient's provision

From the way you are approaching the end, I am pretty sure you have already done so. But I just want to make sure. It can really take a lot of burden from your daughter and other relatives.

Making a live-or-death decision for a loved one is really, really hard.

Concerning your daughter: you may want to leave her letters (one per year until 18) describing how you experienced live at her age back then. Just let her know how you felt, what moved you, what you loved or hated.

Wear sunscreen

[Anonymous Coward]

Wear sunscreen.

I was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer...

[Anonymous Coward]

My heart is with the original poster. His life is surprisingly parallel to mine.
I've been a programmer since the late 1960's; became well known in the early Unix, Usenet, and online world of the 1980's. I've been active on slashdot since around 2000. Loving wife, two happy children, a home in Berkeley, and a tech job in the bay area.

In fall of 2010, I was suddenly hit by severe anxiety, depression, and insomnia. - utterly from out of the blue. Went to several doctors & therapists. Spring 2011, other bizarre symptoms: asthma, retching, weight loss, double vision. I lost my sense of smell. Something was seriously wrong. These bugzilla reports were all over the map, and the doctors didn't know what to do. April 2011: jaundice - now my doctors zeroed in. A cat scan revealed a walnut sized tumor in my pancreas.

Pancreatic cancer.

Yes, I wrote letters to my children, and tried to prepare and help them through the transition to life without dad. With tears, I said goodbye to my friends at work, they responded with support and help for my family. I underwent a serious 11 hour surgery (Whipple operation). After a week in the intensive care unit, the surgeon visited with a clipboard, muttering, "Benign" The happiest word in the English language. Turned out it wasn't cancer, but a very rare tumor: "IGG-4 Sclerosing Syndrome". None of my doctors had heard of it..

The grim reaper had tapped me on the shoulder, looked me in the eye, and suddenly turned away saying, "I'll be back later"

Now, each day is a gift. I saw my kids finish high school and start college - I cherish time with each of them, as well as with my wife, family and friends. I deeply appreciate the kindness and support from my colleagues at work -- yes, they're geeks like me, and each is important in my life. The job fades in comparison to the friendship and comaradre of working with great people on software projects.

To you, my unseen friends on Slashdot, I pass along my admiration - many of you have made me rethink my beliefs and rearrange my mental furniture. Across the years and across the net, I'm happy to hear you!

Make it about her

[Anonymous Coward]

Sorry to hear about your illness.

Most important, spend time with her *now*. Losing her dad will be traumatic, but even more so if she feels she didn't have enough time with you. Hopefully you have told her about the illness already, if not, that's the first thing you must do, before any video recording.

Then my suggestion would be to for at most two videos, one to get her up from a sad or difficult moment. And one to reconfirm and cheer her in moments of happiness and success. For special events like marriage or first job, write her a letter or card.

Why? My spouse has lost her father too early and she still suffers from it, it has been more than 15 years since. I think what she misses the most, from her dad is reassurance and support.

Just my 5 cents

Best wishes and may you enjoy a wonderful time with your family.

i would tell her...

[JustNiz]

Believe in yourself, don't let anyone else belittle you or your ideas. Do listen to criticism but only enough to ask yourself if they actually have a point.

Don't worry about following convention or always doing what your friends say. Many "conventions", "obviously right ways", laws, religious teachings and "Friendly Advice" are actually just mechansims used by people to get you to behave in ways that benefits them only.

Don't always play safe. People that always choose the low-risk option have a safe but very grey life.

Don't spend time worrying/griping about problems, spend it finding/implementing solutions.

Enjoy every sunny day.

Be good.

Be considerate.

Wisdom

[Anonymous Coward]

Always read the contract before you sign it.
Marriage is forever. Think about living with this person for the next 50 years.
Do not have children if you are not prepared to give the time, money and emotional commitment to raise them.
Start a savings account as soon as you get a job and put at least 5% of your salary in it. Also keep an emergency account.
Always get a second opinion when dealing with doctors.
Read something every day. A well read person is an informed person.
Join a church.
Never buy a used car unless you have a mechanic look it over thoroughly first.
Always buy insurance. This includes apartment insurance. There will come a time when you will be glad you did.
Try to treat people as you want to be treated.
Never let a day go by without telling the people close to you how much you love them.

Forget advice, tell her about YOU!

[Anonymous Coward]

Forget advice, tell her about YOU.

There are many things I never learned about my Dad and he died when I was 22.

I have his values - damn him!
I have his work ethic - damn him!
I have his honestly - thanks Dad!

What I don't know is what he enjoyed doing, because he was always working.
I don't know what he loved about sunsets, sunrise, the smell after a good rain, how swimming in a pond as a kids ... stupid things like that.
Dad was a pilot, but I never flew with him. I never heard him talk about the joy he got from flying. I became an Aerospace Engineer, in part because of him.
All I have a his old photos and videos without any context. We don't know who the people in the photos are and since Mom died a few years ago (22 yrs after Dad), nobody can interprete. The photos of him in Vietnam with locals and around the country as a young man with the entire family.

He never told any stories behind the medals. I did get the official writeup for 1 of the bronze stars, but that doesn't tell the story. He was a FAC in Vietnam flying an O-1.

He did give me 1 piece of advice about women, the is mostly true, IME, but it wasn't worth all those other things about him that I don't know.

Dad was taken by esophageal cancer. He had radical surgery, then chemo, then died by starvation, which was his choice. He told me a week before death that he wished he hadn't done the chemo or surgery. If he'd just spent the remaining part of his life living, even if it was a few months shorter, he thought that would have been better. I don't think it was the morphine talking.

Tell her what you hope for her life, her relationships, and her kids, if she chooses to have any. Be supportive of her choices, whatever they may be. 6th grade - she's pretty much the person she will be as an adult.

Don't waste time lecturing her over stupid things about her. Stay on the big topics - life, family, and religion, if that is important to you.

Wish her a full and happy life that is all hers to chose. Isn't that what is really important?

Tell her...

[Anonymous Coward]

Tell her you're going to miss seeing her grow up. That people get a certain amount of time in life together, that it isn't in their hands, and that the best thing is to spend your time together and appreciate it while you have it. Tell her, its not the length of the time, its the quality of the relationship. Tell her, life isnt about her. Its about her, her relationships, and how she affects the world. Tell her, you love her very much. Tell her, saying goodbye is a natural end to a relationship that happens under the best of circumstances, and is a gift - even when it doesn't seem to be at the time.

I would tell her these things now, not in a video.

In a video, I would tell her, the shape of her life is up to her. That she has tremendous input into how and what she grows up into. Show her a couple of trees; one stunted and twisted, and one long straight and tall. Tell her both of these started out as seeds, both tried to grow as tall as they could, but only one made it - because it resisted the urge to grow towards comfort, and because its environment helped it to grow. Tell her, she is like the tree. In life, many temptations will come, and many hardships will present, that make it seem impossible, but that she controls the shape of her life. Tell her, if the environment is harmful, to change her environment. Tell her, although you will never see the shape her life is to take in the coming years, that your life was like that tree, tall & straight, and that she will have to bear witness for both of you as to what her life becomes.

Tell her, her life will be tougher in the years to come, but that the lessons she's learned when is young were important; they are your best efforts to give her the right lessons and tools with which to grow strong. Tell her, that family matters, and that if she has problems, to talk with her mom. Tell her, that your not just leaving her with her mother to help; that her mother is depending on her help as much as she is depending on hers.

Tell her, you love her with all your heart, but its time to say goodbye, even though it breaks your heart. Tell her to grow strong, straight and true, and to make you and her mother proud.

Best of luck mate, sorry to see your time cut short, but you know how it goes, time together is often shorter than we like. Luck!

Save your life and get your cancer cured.

[Anonymous Coward]

It may be a little off topic, but there is still a possibility of recovering from your cancer.
Please search on "Rick Simpson Oil". You may end up going to Colorado and getting cured so you can teach your daughter over a lifetime.

Rick Simpson
http://phoenixtears.ca/

From the daughter's perspective

[thor4217]

It is your decision ultimately how you want to leave things with your daughter, but I found this anecdote of a woman who felt emotionally overwhelmed by her dead mother's letters from beyond the grave. Be wary that while your daughter may find comfort and meaning in your video letters, she may just as likely feel grief and stress: http://www.slate.com/articles/...

Good luck with THAT!

[Anonymous Coward]

When one believes that their religion is "correct," and that there is some terrible consequence for not adhering to it, there is not a snowball's chance in Texas that they will abstain from programming these religious beliefs into their children.

They fear for the long-term well-being of their children (as all parents should), and they sincerely believe that instilling these religious beliefs provides for that long-term well-being. Your objective philosophical arguments about self-determination will not, and cannot, override this parenting instinct.

Intelligence vs. Happiness

[Anonymous Coward]

I'm definitely in the camp of sharing some of your life experiences with her about the things that truly made you happy in the hopes that she will learn what is truly important.

Best wishes to her.

Wear sunscreen

[slickepott]

"f I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it...."

knowing

[Anonymous Coward]

First, sorry this had to happen to you. We all are going to die, you are burdened with knowing approximately when. The rest of us are blissfully ignorant of our own demise. I had a friend who died of cancer some years back and I still feel like he is just a phone call away. We both grew up together and we both saw it coming well in advance. Doctors said he wouldn't make it past 12, but he made it to 23.

A few suggestions:
Instead of the "Sorry, I am dead" monologues, make videos of you doing awesome things. Some with her, some without. Something she can show her kids and say, that was your grandpa. Sky diving, fixing computers, programming, what ever your interest are, get them on camera. Document those.

Any special thoughts you would say on camera, write them out, and leave a stack of letters. You could even have one to be opened every year for 10 years on your death day. After 10 years thought, it'd give it a rest. Perhaps even say that in the last letter, like you guys should stop eating tacos on September 23rd, I liked them, but it has been 10 years now, find another way to remember me.

Leave a box of useful things. Full toolkit, screw driver bits, dermal tool, soldering gun/solder, staplegun, glue gun, 10 rolls of decorated duct tape. Things that people don't need every day, but when they do need them are very useful. Every time they need something, they will be going to you in spirit. This is huge.

Make a few mix tapes for your wife.

Just a few ideas.

Wear Sunscreen

[_anomaly_]

I *strongly* urge you to read the essay "Wear Sunscreen" by Mary Schmich. Or, as most of us heard it the first time, listen to the spoken word song by Baz Lurhman "Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen)".

To this day, when I listen to it, the advice, and how it's conveyed, makes me tear up a bit.

"Do one thing EVERY day that scares you..."

Just one powerful line from a powerful essay/song.

Obligatory XKCD

[Anonymous Coward]

http://xkcd.com/456/

I agree with some of the earlier comments about instilling values of being assertive while still being a good person. The world needs more good people, geek or not.

Also, if my parents were to do this for me, I'd want stories and to know about their life. Share what you think is cool, the stuff you did, and whatever geek things you did "when you were her age". I'm in my mid 20s now, and my parents are in their late 50s / early 60s, but I know very little about them before I came along. Every single story I was told as kid, especially by my mother, had to have some cautionary tale about the world associated with it (or the story was fabricated to illustrate the point). The times when I got real stories about things they did, how they felt about past events, or things I could connect with them on like music or business or technology, were few and far between. Don't get me wrong, they are fantastic parents, but if I were to inherit a series of these videos, that's what I would want.

You can't predict the future, but you can tell her a lot about the past and the present. My advice is to make it personal so she comes to know adult you when she's ready.

Read, Share and Talk

[Anonymous Coward]

Read.

Read 'On Death and Dying'. Not for you, for her. Grief and grief responses are powerful emotions and can be paralyzing. Getting a handle on this, especially at the family level, is an important step.

Share experiences.

Even if you don't do anything special, share the time. Important things will come of it. Share your courage to ask for help (even as an AC on Slashdot). Share your wisdom in exploring the world around you.

Talk about it.

Not knowing the path you are on / your daughter is on, I don't know if you can provide 'video' messages for important things. If you want, make videos everyday, about whatever is on your mind. My grandmother did this as she was dying, but with writing. She didn't try each time to be 'wise' or 'smart' or even 'clever'. Some of the letters are, frankly, just boring. But it painted a picture for me of her as a woman rather than 'Grandma, who died when I was 10'.

I'd also HIGHLY suggest finding a good family therapist / LCSW - start going now. Not because of any issues that are current, but it's another support structure. I know I have dealt with loss 'easier' with an 'impartial' therapist at my side.

don't give in to harassment

[Anonymous Coward]

considering the apparent climate for women in tech here and now, if things haven't changed between now and when your daughter enters whichever career path she chooses, i'd recommend reminding her that she has as much right as anyone else to work any job she's qualified for, without having to stand for abuse or harassment. if it happens, she should make it known and do everything she can to put a stop to it for herself, and others. as for yourself, i'm sorry this has happened. you're doing a great thing by putting your daughter as highest priority. you're the best kind of father a daughter could ask for.

Birthday/Graduation/Wedding Cards

[Anonymous Coward]

I suggest writing in cards for her life events. This allows you to convey your thoughts in a meaningful and lasting way that she can refer back to and keep you in her memory without the concern of how outdated a video may feel.

Late years first

[Anonymous Coward]

If you do produce a series of videos, post the latest one (age 25?) first and the first one you want her to see you last. That way, if your condition deteriorates, your daughter will actually see your condition improve over the years.

Lost my mom when I was 16 (long time ago)

[Anonymous Coward]

Preparing your daughter for life is a really good thing to attempt. Lots of useful comments around here might help you do that. However, when I lost my mom at age 16 to breast cancer, the thing I was struggling with for the next five years or so was her death. Some avoidable errors contributed to this. First, my parents were kind of mentally paralyzed with the prospect of her death. She had struggled through five years of on and off treatment and my parents had just decided that she would eventually be cured and around to see her two boys grow up.

So from age 11 to age 16, I had this conflicting evidence in front of me: mom getting treatment and parents telling me all would be good while keeping their cards close to their chest about the fact that she had cancer. I finally confronted them based on some hard evidence and was told all of this was some giant misunderstanding on my part. I bough that explanation because it felt good.

I finally put the pieces together all by myself, but my younger brother believed she would be okay essentially to the day she died. We both struggled with her death of course as much as my dad did. I hated him for quite some time though for not having explained anything to us.

There was one thought in my mind from early on that made the situation easier. As I was 16, I figured that life as a young adult was essentially right around the corner. So embracing that helped me actually. It sucks to be an orphan as a child, but it doesn't suck as much for adults. There are just other factors that determine your life: your partner, job, friends, cash, etc.

So based on my experience, I would try to tell my daughter about my condition. I would also try to talk to her about her life after my death. What she wants to do, how she can do that, what good and bad things lie ahead etc. I would also encourage her to look forward to a time after the immediate shock. I don't know if I had the strength to do that. But I think she might benefit from your honesty and your encouragement to move on in her own life. As you won't be around when she actually grows up, it might also be your chance to get a glimpse of her future. I hope this is helpful.

Advice from a Gentle Soul

[Anonymous Coward]

we recently went to a family planning center, since we would like to have a child. the following advice is from an essay written by the sperm donor who we eventually chose. this helped us decide that he should be the genetic father of our child. the question asked was "what advice would you pass on to your children one day?" this was his answer (note: he is a computer programmer, so slashdot seems like a good place for this).

1) Practice an art. Try different ones, find one that suits you and seems to flow naturally. Don’t worry if you aren’t great, nobody is when they start. Even if you don’t think you are an artist, practice an art anyways. Art expands your mind and calms your soul.

2) Read. Read, read, read. Read fantastic stories of worlds that can never be, but also read non-fiction and fill your head with knowledge and truths about the world. Read when everyone else is watching TV. TV is like junk food, and books are the medicine that cures you.

3) Sleep. A lot. Learn how to nap, and learn about sleep cycles. If you can somehow manage a career or job that allows you to wake up without an alarm clock, this is ideal. Alarm clocks interrupt sleep cycles, and they make you forget your dreams.

4) Drink water. Other drinks should be like treats, desserts. But water is what you are made of and drinking lots of high quality clean water is one of the best things you can do for your body and your mind. Learn to appreciate the satisfying taste of water, it’s better than any flavor.

5) Go to school. This is separate advice from reading. School is where you learn from other people, not books. Stay in school as long as you can, no matter how much you hate it. You will find people that you think you can’t learn from, but there’s always something to learn.

6) Exercise. It hurts, it’s exhausting, and sometimes it’s downright boring. But it gives you energy, it keeps you healthy, and it’s also a key to happiness. Remember that the mind is just another organ in the body. If your body is unhealthy, so your mind will be too.

7) Think. This is the exercise for your mind. Think about life, and yourself, and the world. Think about everything, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. Everything in the world is connected, and every piece of knowledge is tied through a web to every other piece.

8) Try new things. Hobbies are great, routines are great, and you will find hobbies that you love so much they will become routine. But always be trying new things, until the day you die. The world is full of too many things to experience, for you to stay stagnant with only a subset of them.

9) Learn science. Studying world religions is important in order to understand people and relate to them, but learning the truths of science, and someday finding new truths, is more important than any one religion. Science is the key to the advancement of the human race.

10) Love. Love full and fast and deep and wild. Love your family like they are part of your body, love your friends like they are part of your familybut most of all find another person to share true love. It’s not something from a fairy tale, it’s a word we use for the most important human emotion, the one that ties us all together, a natural part of the human mind....a part we were wired with through evolution, to keep us together, and to make us take care of each other. Remember that you are not a separate object from the universethe Earth is an organism and your body is like a cell in something so large that you’ll never fully understand it. But through loving other people, you will find the answers you seek to morals and ethics and the questions of right and wrong. Your mind was pre-wired, before birth, to know what is right and wrong. You simply have to accept yourself and start with loving that, then learn how to love other people despite all of their flaws and mistakes. And when you

Anything you capture, post or share

[surge_fwd]

On your phone or computer or with your smart devices can be found. The promise not to share may be heartfelt at the time it's given but does not actually prevent sharing by someone else or when loyalties fade. Don't compromise your values to satisfy others, peers, employers, significant others. Be willing to evaluate your position but always act in accord with what you know to be true. The value of your contribution does not stem from your gender. Hard work and consistent effort will be your guideposts to success. You can learn to do anything.

Oh the irony Re:Good luck with THAT!

[davidwr]

On February 25, 2015, you wrote

there is not a snowball's chance in Texas

Mother Nature and the National Weather Service just called to tell you it snowed in Texas today.

The same advice as for everyone else

[KozmoStevnNaut]

Be yourself. Stay curious. Treat others as you wish to be treated. Never shy away from a challenging task, because even if it fails, it will teach you something new and grant you valuable experience.

Re:Gerson

[Anonymous Coward]

Steve Jobs was mentioned by the OP. His cancer only progressed to the incurable stage because he wasted years trying alternative therapies like you are suggesting rather than the proven effective strategies that could have halted his rare treatable form of pancreatic cancer. The OP who is doing the right thing by accepting reality and using what time he has left to benefit his loved ones. I say this for the benefit of those in the earlier stages who still have a chance: believing in unaccepted alternative treatments is dangerously attractive to the highly educated innovative types. Innovation requires us to question authority and pursue the neglected alternatives. But innovation also means failing 20 times before you succeed. You don't have 20 failures to make with your health. You get one chance to treat a terminal disease. Two or three if you're really lucky. Don't put off conventional therapies with known success rates so you can try that one weird trick.

This. My understanding of Jobs' pancreatic cancer was that when they first found it, it was a 'spot' on a scan, probably small. He was actually really *lucky* to have found it that early - pancreatic cancer rarely shows any actual physical symptoms until it's too late, if he'd had it treated properly *then and there*, probably "stage 1", he would have had a really good chance of survival. Unfortunately he decided to try 'alternative quackery' instead.

I've known several people on forums I'm on that died from pancreatic cancer. It was "fast", like the OP by the time they discovered it they only had months of life left.

Something like

[Anonymous Coward]

“We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born. The potential people who could have been here in my place but who will in fact never see the light of day outnumber the sand grains of Arabia. Certainly those unborn ghosts include greater poets than Keats, scientists greater than Newton. We know this because the set of possible people allowed by our DNA so massively exceeds the set of actual people. In the teeth of these stupefying odds it is you and I, in our ordinariness, that are here.We privileged few, who won the lottery of birth against all odds, how dare we whine at our inevitable return to that prior state from which the vast majority have never stirred?”
  Richard Dawkins, Unweaving the Rainbow: Science, Delusion and the Appetite for Wonder

I would pass on two things....

[CnlPepper]

1) Failure is an integral part of success. Don't give up when you fail, learn from it and grow.

2) Understand people, tell her to read "How to win friends and influence people" and commit it to heart. No matter what she does she will always need to understand people. Learning how to deal with humans and their silliness will give her more success than any geeky persuit alone. It'll also make her life much happier.

I wish I'd learnt both of these things when I was 20.

one checkbox

[CaptainStumpy]

Maybe its not what you pass but what you don't pass to her:
Clear browser history on exit

Seriously though, you can't parent when you are dead, and you are dead soon. Don't worry about what she will be doing with her life. Don't focus on later events. She won't care about you on her 50th birthday. You will be a short story and several photos to her husband. She will get wisdom from the living, I assume most from your wife. Tell her stories and show examples of how things were in your life, and do it NOW, so 8 years from your last day on earth she will be happy that something about you can still be remembered, without the need of computers or whatever tech we will be using...and after that, use your spiffy technology to record a few skydiving trips of you and her, or the entire family doing whatever. She won't care what, as long as it was exciting and fun and with dad in the picture.

Right VS Wrong

[Anonymous Coward]

Teach her the importance of balance, or rather how to reconcile all of the "shades of grey" that she will encounter. Many children struggle with "doing the right thing", but many don't know how to handle everyone's different version of what "right" actually is.

Even as adults we struggle with what the "right thing to do" in any given situation. You may not have all of the answers, but you can definitely share your experiences with her. That will put her worlds ahead of many who don't actually receive the guidance that they needed growing up.

Re:Gerson

[Anonymous Coward]

I recently heard a story on NPR (link appears to be down... of course) about some new therapy that removes what they refer to as the "cloaking device" that cancer cells use to hide from the immune system. This allows the immune system to track down every cancerous cell and remove it.

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2015/02/09/373292216/harnessing-the-immune-system-to-fight-cancer

Actions speak louder than words

[Anonymous Coward]

First of all, ask yourself: if you need to ask, are you really wise enough to be passing on wisdom?

Is there anything you could tell your daughter now that you couldn't before?

I would say this:
1. Be true to yourself.
2. Love your family and take care of them.
3. Do the right thing even when it's hard.
4. Set high standards for yourself, but don't be too hard on yourself either.
Forgive others their failings and remember that nobody is perfect but everyone is a human being.
5. Give everyone a chance (within reason).
6. Don't underestimate the value of a solid background in math.

More important than what you say, though, will be what you do.

I'll tell you what I'd do with my final months on earth:
- I'd take my daughter to volunteer at a local homeless shelter on a regular basis as long as I was able.
- I'd take her to visit family and try to build her ties to our extended family as much as possible before I'm gone.
- I'd work with her on a special project for my wife, something that she could keep to remember me by.
- I'd ask my old friends from around the world to visit if they could, so that my daughter could meet some of the people who made me the person I am.

But that's just me. See #1.

Consider Artifacts, too

[LionKimbro]

One of the artifacts that I've held on to, is my granddad's slide rule. He was an engineer, and I've treasured the slide rule.

As a programmer, I can't think of many artifacts I would be able to give to my daughter, or that she would give to her children. I have kept the old Compaq BASICA reference book that I used as a kid, but without moving parts like a sliderule, it doesn't strike me as cool. It seems like everything is virtual and ephemeral in this time of glass touch screens and constantly upgrading software.

None-the-less -- something tangible that doesn't take up too much space, -- that could be really important to her.

Don't do it

[BlackHawk-666]

Stop pissing around with a video camera and video editing software and spend time with your daughter now instead. Don't waste time trying to predict the things she might want to hear about at graduation, on her wedding day, or other events, the truth is she probably doesn't want to spend those happy days crying over a ghost her left her life a decade ago. Stop being selfish and trying to memorialise yourself, your daughter is alive and in need now. Give her the chance to mourn you and put you to rest, without haunting her later years with boxes of tapes labelled "first date", "prom", "graduation" and the like.

You're on a timer, live in the moment. Leave happy memories in your wake.

Naive Wisdom

[Anonymous Coward]

Tell her to find a job doing something she enjoys.

She's more likely to be good at something she's interested in, and better pay will come from that. ...oh, and given that we spend most of our conscious hours at work, she'll probably be happier too.

Memos for a young daughter

[Anonymous Coward]

Tell her how much she's loved. Tell her some things about you: what you liked when you were a boy, your best experiences, the sorts of things that fire you up and keep you interested. Tell her about some of the scrapes you've got into / mistakes you've made / fun stuff you've done that's out of the ordinary.

Things to keep as memories of a real, breathing person - some family memories, even.

Then anything else you want to tell her: things you'd want to pass on about why her mom's special and she's special as the child of you both, wishes for the future

That's the sort of thing I'd want to have talked through with my grandfather I never knew - I have odd sentences from my mother and her sister to tell me what he was like and I've seen a couple of photos - that's it.

Your time is finite. Find what matters to you.

[Anonymous Coward]

Our time here is limited. Keep that in mind when you decide what to do today.
It's not the things you do in life that you end up regretting; it's the things you don't do.
If something is important, it's worth taking risks for it.
Ensure that success is a possible outcome; even if it's an unlikely one.
Never risk aiming too low. Your time is too valuable for mediocrity.
Be critical of ideas; they will shape who you become.
Seek out others' opinions; but, be critical of them.
Find your why before you look for your what. Purpose is more important than the way you pursue it.
Don't be afraid to do something you believe in. The notion that you have something to lose is merely an illusion.
When you're feeling stressed, try to picture how much the things you're stressing over will matter in 5 years.

touched

[Anonymous Coward]

I started my career back in the first tech bubble, started reading slashdot ~ 2001 or so. Its 2015 now and I have 3 daughters your story really hit close to home as I imagined if I had to go thru what you are going thru. Anyway just wanted to say that while I dont have anything more to add since the rest of group pretty much threw ideas from all angles.......GOOD LUCK BUDDY.......your story really touched me.

In the words of W.B. Yeats

[mvdwege]

Once more the storm is howling and half hid
Under this cradle-hood and coverlid
My child sleeps on. There is no obstacle
But Gregory's Wood and one bare hill
Whereby the haystack and roof-levelling wind,
Bred on the Atlantic, can be stayed;
And for an hour I have walked and prayed
Because of the great gloom that is in my mind.

I have walked and prayed for this young child an hour
And heard the sea-wind scream upon the tower,
And under the arches of the bridge, and scream
In the elms above the flooded stream;
Imagining in excited reverie
That the future years had come,
Dancing to a frenzied drum,
Out of the murderous innocence of the sea

[...]

Considering that, all hatred driven hence,
The soul recovers radical innocence
And learns at last that it is self-delighting,
Self-appeasing, self-affrighting,
And that its own sweet will is heaven's will;
She can, though every face should scowl
And every windy quarter howl
Or every bellows burst, be happy still.

-- W.B. Yeats, A Prayer for my Daughter

The rest of the poem is a bit dated, in that Yeats is giving advice to his daughter that is rather sexist by modern views, but these three stanzas say it all really.

Most important is the 'I love you!'... then share.

[Lukano]

Your post/story has struck a chord for me, and I'm now being a little selfish and thinking about how best to make a time capsule of knowledge and sharing for my kids, should I pass away (and my wife too, of course).

The first and obviously most important is how much you love her (them). Beyond that... I honestly think that if you just talk about yourself, what you think made you the person you are today, what helped or hindered that, what you dislike, etc... always with your best attempt at a 'Why?' answer following it up.

I think she is going to want to know who you are / were, and what made you into that -- more than anything else.

Then espouse upon your values and what tenets you hold dearest, again with an explanation. Do you believe it private or open-source software, and why?... as a top of the head example.

Then move on to snippets of tips and tricks, things you'd have taught your kid(s) as they grew and asked questions. It can be random, it can be silly, it can be incomplete -- it will all still be of value to her.

Don't constrain it to video either. If/when you feel that you're no longer representing yourself the way you want to in a visual format, move on to leaving textual information, notes, letters, tips, tricks. Build a wiki for her with random bits and bobs for her to discover that you think would be of use or interesting, both to you -- and her in the future.

And of course, leave a history of websites, accounts, passwords (probably in a password vault, with the password or keyfile stored elsewhere) of accounts/sites/memberships you held that you think she might find interesting. Giving her a window into your public and private history (using semi-private internet forums as a top of head example again) would likely be cathartic and interesting as well. Insights into who you were with people privately, away from the eyes of the internet -- or even the eyes of your friends or family. Not to mention the benefit of bequeathing said accounts to the next generation (though make sure the admin staff of such places are aware of the changeover, and make sure they're comfortable with it). Game communities, software communities, specific discussion communities or sites, etc.

I think the gist of it is, do your best to document for her Who you are and How you became that way, and let her follow the path herself as needed (ontop of / aside from the videos). She won't understand all of it, or perhaps even most of it, but at least you'll have done your best to give her all possible examples and avenues to explore at her own pace -- which I think would be cathartic in the long term, when she's in her 20's and becoming an adult, and missing her Dad in a different way than she will in the next few years.

I'm sorry for both yours and her loss, but thank you for posting this. It got me thinking about what I would do if I were you, which helps me start planning how to bequeath my knowledge posthumously, to my kid.

Spend time with her

[Anonymous Coward]

If possible do something memorable, take a trip with her, have a blast.

Memories

[Anonymous Coward]

I lost my dad when I was 3, and the things I like to remember are sitting on his lap playing cards, watching cartoons with him on the bed in the morning, "helping" him change tires... That was 40 years ago, but even now, once in a while, I scribble lots of ink on a piece of paper and smell it. I used to do that sitting on his lap.

If he could have left me video messages, I would want to hear his memories of things we did together. I know he loved me, but I would like to hear that he loved those times as much as I did.

Politely Disagree

[s.petry]

Hang on a sec, I'll get to my point of disagreement.

I forget the exact quote or even who the alleged author was, but it goes something like this. "Subject like Math can surely help in a career and portions of life, but understanding Politics is vastly more important. Politics effects every moment of your life, without exception. There is no subject more important, because nothing else impacts you the same way." An example is: Being a good cook takes some education, and you will surely have better tasting meals on the table. A politician taxing labor and goods, regulating food and what producers can put in the grocery store impacts not just the flavor but what you can afford to put on the table.

This lesson took me a long time to fully understand, but the world I look at today is not my own small corner. The world I am leaving to my kid is immense and goes far beyond what I directly control. I can influence the world, but I can't change it. (Reading how that sounds "NO", I am not the author of TFA).

Philosophy, Ethics, and Logic are all tied tightly together. Morality is an essential piece of those three things. Empathy is understanding the morality you dish out, as you would receive it.

The lessons of Liberal Arts last for a lifetime, compared to technology which is largely short lived knowledge. I'm sure you were proud of your Commodore64 knowledge like I was at the time, but that stuff all vanished. As did DOS, SunOS 2, HP-UX 9, and all of these other technologies that people said were "essential" to know. The latest application is not important when a large portion of the population can't afford it.

Encourage the geekiness, but make sure they understand the fundamentals that carry them through life. That means living your life knowing that you leave a legacy behind, and ensuring you know how you wish to be remembered in history. Even if that history is small family stuff it matters.

Re:Politely Disagree

[Anonymous Coward]

My mom passed away from pancreatic cancer the week before my (now middle) daughter was born. She lasted about 8.5 months from diagnosis. It is a terrible diagnosis, my thoughts go out to all of you.

My mom's first words when she found out were: "I'm not going to see X grow up [a 1 year old], and I'm not going to meet Y." I wish she had done some videos for them, but I have some videos of her when I was a child. So I would do at least some videos of you and her interacting together. Playing a card game, playing monopoly. Going on a quick trip to Disneyland/Disney World/Six flags/a local fair/a circus/a quick cruise (obviously depends on where you are). Something of you and her just being normal together. Get your spouse to record it, don't let her know why you are doing that part, so it is more natural. There is a lot of good advice on here in the comments, including letting her see the real you.

Giving her advice can be good, but just you being you with her and your spouse is important too.

Do it sooner rather than later too. If you do chemo, it will take its toll. Be strong with it though.

This brings up one other point: anonymous poster above has warning that he is probably not going to make it (don't give up hope though, while there is life, there is hope, I spoke to someone who had had stage 4 and a Whipple and was 10 years in at that point), what about the huge number of people who die from accidents every day? Should each of us go out and make videos or at least a few videos so that if we were to get hit by a car tomorrow our children would know something about us?

(And if you have the inclination, take a look at alcor.org - it might be something that you'd find worthwhile).

Re:Politely Disagree

[linuxrocks123]

The lessons of Liberal Arts last for a lifetime, compared to technology which is largely short lived knowledge. I'm sure you were proud of your Commodore64 knowledge like I was at the time, but that stuff all vanished. As did DOS, SunOS 2, HP-UX 9, and all of these other technologies that people said were "essential" to know. The latest application is not important when a large portion of the population can't afford it.

If you learned SunOS 2 or HP-UX 9, most of that knowledge is applicable to Solaris and modern Linux distributions today.

Re:Politely Disagree

[Culture20]

And DOS commands are still quite useful. I find myself teaching younger admins DOS stuff on 'doze cmd.exe more and more. Sure, Powershell exists, but it's not ubiquitous yet, and oft-times Powershell running files as scripts is disabled by default, so batch files are still pretty useful (even if it's just a batch file to enable Powershell scripts and run the argument as a script).

Re:Politely Disagree

[HornWumpus]

The lessons of liberal arts are as valuable the day you die as they were when you learned them.

Unfortunately that value is zero in the majority of cases.

Most liberal arts majors learn nothing except how to cynically kiss their teachers butts. They do have a good time while in school, so they have that going for them.

Everybody gets out of school what they put in. Liberal arts majors that are there to pass and party get nothing.

Re:Politely Disagree

[s.petry]

_YOU_ may not have had a professor that could teach, but that is not a problem with Liberal Arts. It is a problem with education in general, which has been completely screwed since the US Government took over in the 1930s. Many people have professors that do teach, and many students can learn on their own just by exposure.

I gave the reason for it's value, and your answer equates to "nuh uh" with no backing rational. Your generalization that people can slack off and pass a class happens in all majors, there is no restriction to Liberal Arts. In other words, it's invalid logic. (I am really not surprised that a person who claims Liberal Arts has zero value fails at simple logic, and I'd suggest that you contemplate that for a while.)

There is more to learn from the study of a single short story called "The Allegory of the Cave" than a semester of Calculus, if you care to actually study.

My claim regarding weight of Calculus vs. a single short story is from that of a Math major with 17 semesters of Mathematics. My minor was Liberal arts, which I took everything possible and ran out at 8 semesters.

Re:Politely Disagree

[HornWumpus]

You are a fool if you think slacking off at school is equal across majors.

You are equally wrong in thinking that engineering education has anything to do with memorizing details of technology current at the time.

You base your entire argument on a straw man.

When everything is equally true, the only thing they test you on is agreeing with the teacher. That is liberal arts in nutshell. Some my be 'good' at teaching kids to agree with them, means nothing.

Re:Politely Disagree

[s.petry]

Oh, so you go to the ad hominem method of reason as a response, followed by your own isolated opinion as a follow up. Thanks for proving my point, twice. I'll ignore further irrational methods of proof, so would encourage you to actually learn the material you are attempting to criticize prior to making irrational claims. As a hunch, you will do nothing and maintain an irrational opinion and argue with invalid logic.

Systemd

[Anonymous Coward]

Teach her that Systemd is an evil and that she should only use distros that use init. She will thank you later in life.

Save the geek stuff for last?

[Anonymous Coward]

First, go ask the movie "Things To Do in Denver When You're Dead," and you'll see snippets of such videos all through the movie.

Second, take all the things that you wished your dead relatives had discussed, and discuss those things. You might work an "I love you" in with all that talk about the difference between little-endian and big-endian architectures.

Last, work the geek stuff in there if you want. The only wisdom I'd pass on is the stuff that's timeless. For instance, if the general public is given a choice between online security and online convenience, they'll take online convenience 10 times out of 10 and twice on Sunday. Or if two technologies are remotely competitive with each other, the side with the better marketing team will usually win. Or if you answer somebody's question about what computer to buy next, no matter how short or long, informed or ignorant that the argument may be, the person will still buy the cheapest computer out there...then talk about the deal they got...then ask you for support when it becomes obsolete three years early. I'm sure you have your own versions of these things.

Did you try some experimental therapy?

[Zdzicho00]

Sorry to read about your illness. Did you try to find some experimental therapy? Like this one: http://www.zapcancer.org/

Re:Gerson

[Anonymous Coward]

Just to be clear, Steve Jobs didn't have the usual form of pancreatic cancer, which is sadly so deadly. His luck was in having the far more treatable kind of tumor, which allowed him to spend time screwing around with crackpot therapies. If he'd had the more common type of tumor (which unfortunately it sounds like the OP has), he'd have been dead in 2004.

See rvaniwaa's comment here.

tell her what I've told my daughters

[flappinbooger]

I've got one geeky daughter and one not as geeky.

Tell her to follow her interests and learn on her own. Make her geek education her own responsibility and not that of schools and universities. Tell her that the ability to learn on your own, and to learn about things that interest you, are what makes all the difference.

For geeks, that's probably the most important thing.

If she's only in 6th grade now, she likely will be following a career that will follow the mentor/protege apprenticeship and entrepreneurship model, and not the go-to-college-get-a-job model. She will have to be self driven to become an expert in her field.

Wing it.

[sirwired]

Really, unless you are trying to set up an arranged marriage or something via recorded videos, I imagine just about anything you leave behind will be a treasured memory.

So many good comments

[Anonymous Coward]

Not everyone has a Slashdot article about her. I don't.

There's quite a few comments on this thread. Some wrong. Some right. Some insightful.

It'd be a shame if she never had a chance to know about this (virtual, online) meeting where many good insights were made, since the whole meeting was made in memory of her. Share this. It's something that you did, with her in mind, and is rather unique (not many people have managed to pull this off).

The chance to say goodbye

[Anonymous Coward]

My mom left an envelope in my suit bag when I was getting married. It was a letter she typed up that my dad dictated to her when he was dying of Hodgkins disease in the hospital when I was 3. She never wrote it down, just remembered it word for word for 20 odd years. She regrets not bringing in a video camera, but I'm not sure how common they were in the mid 80s, or whether I would have been able to watch the video after that long, and on which kind of machine. It was nice to hear his voice through his words. I don't think I ever saw a home video or anything of him, just photos and stories. I only have one solid memory of him, maybe a foggy second, it's hard to tell. The brain is a wonderful thing, but it's a shame those early memories are so hard to get back.

My mom remarried 2 years later when I was 5. Life was good in the suburbs. I knew he wasn't my real dad, but he more than earned the title. I finished school, went to university, moved abroad, got married, and started my career. I get a call one day a couple years ago, dad's in the hospital. He was in there a week and they discharged him. I called that morning to see if he was home yet, but my mom said he wasn't getting out till lunch. I told her I'd let him rest and call tomorrow afternoon. My phone rang at 4am. It would have been sooner, but my mom had to call my friend to ask how to dial my number because neither she nor my sister could figure out how to call international. When they got home, he went to go have a shower and had a massive heart attack, dead before he hit the floor.

You obviously have the time and inclination to do record some videos and stuff so go for it. Not everyone gets enough warning, take advantage while you still can.

That being said, IMHO no matter what you leave behind for your family in terms of an inheritance or any videos, letters, pictures, etc, that stuff doesn't matter as much as being able to say goodbye properly.

I've only ever had the chance with pets.

Keep up the fight.

Be funny, be yourself

[cbybear]

You can give her advice all day long, but I feel the best approach would be to tell her stories of your life and how you handled things (and might do them differently). Give her videos of you being silly, funny, downright crazy. She'll watch them forever whenever she needs to be reminded how wonderful her father was. Give her a slice of your life, with lessons include, but do it so that she can hear your narrative. That will live with her for the rest of her life.

My condolences to you. I wish you and your family much joy in the months to come, to be a balance to what you'll face.

Re:from a psychologist that has helped children gr

[Anonymous Coward]

7) Record some of the goofy, stupid crap that you loved about your life, and some of the stuff you wish you would have avoided. New details from your life will help her feel close to you even after you are gone.

I can't agree with this enough. I lost both of my parents when I was 43. After my mother had died and my father knew he didn't have long, he started telling me stories from his life that he'd never told me before. I think he stopped caring about his privacy at that point and cared more about telling me who he was. That was the first time I felt like I was starting to get to know him as a person. 8 years later, this is what I really treasure about my father over even my childhood memories.

If you don't feel comfortable telling her now, you can record messages for her to hear or read after she's an adult.

Yoga and Meditation

[GillBates0]

There is life beyond geekdom.

Challenge, Confidence, Failure

[cyberfringe]

Urge her to challenge herself. She will have successes that in turn will provide her with justifiable confidence. Such confidence will serve her well as she confronts future unknown challenges. Inevitably, there will also be failures. That is what happens when you try difficult things and the outcome is uncertain. In this case, remind her of the wise words of Lao Tsu, which I discovered in a fortune cookie: "There are no failures, only lessons" You should illustrate these points with anecdotes from your own life. That will make it real and precious to her. Good luck to you, brave Sir!

what she may need

[Anonymous Coward]

My wife lost her mother as a child (16) and what she misses most (up until today (40)) is her mother's love, confirmation, support, and perhaps frame of reference, but not advice. We sometimes listen to an audio cassette tape with her mothers voice (we keep a cassette player around just for that tape, even though we made a digital backup of the tape.) There is hardly any 'advice' on the tape, but a lot of 'love' and 'support'. Some people say the only role you have as a parent in a child's life is to instill self confidence. The rest will follow automatically. I think my wife's mother also believed something similar, as the that seems to be the core of all that she said.

Actually, her mother filled most of the tape telling her favorite fairy tale. It is really nice, even as the adult woman she is now, to hear your mother talk to you in a soothing voice, telling you a beautiful story, just to hear her voice. It is the original little mermaid tale by Andersen.
So I would tell my daughter how much I love her as a father (unconditionally!, always, no matter what, really no matter what). I would tell her she will most definitely make the right choices, which may and most definitely also will not be the same choices I would have made, but that is only good. They would be the right choices, because she made them. I would tell her to believe in herself, as I do (believe in her, that is). I would tell her I think she is such a strong girl and she makes me the proudest dad in the whole world. I would tell her about my experiences with her as she was born, growing up, how I loved all that, how sweet she was to see playing, see her sleeping and talking to her, everything about what here presence meant to me. Perhaps also a little on how it was for me to get married, get a baby; how I experienced my big moments in life. If I were to tell about things that I hold dear in life (which i don't know I would), I would also tell here not to try and live up to that, but to set her own course, to develop her own taste and her own moral compass.

I would try to avoid speaking about myself in the past tense, even if that is how she will hear it. You want your father to say "I love you", instead of "I loved you" even when he is long dead. I would try to avoid putting a burden on her shoulders. (please do this for me, promise me that...) Only positive stuff that she does not have to counter or challenge or argue against, or ask clarifying questions about (which she will not be able to, as I am not there anymore).
If there is anything I would tell or ask her to do, I would tell her to be happy, and tell her that I believe that she can do that.

I would try to aim for an ending in a loving good bye atmosphere.
I wish you all the strength and happy moments while you are still together!

"Find Your Peeps"

[ThatsDrDangerToYou]

My kids have (so far, thankfully) been successful in their college careers, and one key element of their adolescence has been finding their peer group in high school and beyond. Our daughter is/was a performer, so she was a "drama kid". Our son found the ultimate frisbee team, and had a decent group of friends.

Also, be well rounded. If she is a geek girl, she should be sure to be physically active, eat well, and you know, blah blah blah..

Best to you in your future. All is well and will be so forever.

Re:from a psychologist that has helped children gr

[Anonymous Coward]

Your points are quite insightful and well thought out. Thanks for taking the time to share your insights.

I have a question about frontal cortex development mentioned in number 4. I've heard the age 24 mentioned as when this part of the brain matures on average, but never heard a breakdown of how this varies between males and females. Reading your comment sounded as if you would expect the daughter's to mature earlier. How much earlier would this be on average?

Re:from a psychologist that has helped children gr

[Anonymous Coward]

That was pretty "spot-on" advice!

CBD Oil

[Anonymous Coward]

Take some quality CBD oil and just live.

What is the most important wisdom?

[Anonymous Coward]

Although death is inevitable for all of us, that doesn't make your situation any less poignant. Compassion for others when staring down the maw of death is a trait that seems rather rare. I am heartened to see the large number of concerned responses from the /. community to this article. If there is one bit of wisdom that I could pass on, it would be in the form of a question along the line of - "Am I the universe being conscious of itself?" or "Am I conscious star dust?" or....

Dunning Kruger effect

[Martin S.]

Dunning Kruger effect

Or more succinctly put by Charles Darwin

"Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge: it is those who know little, and not those who know much, who so positively assert that this or that problem will never be solved by science."

Re:from a psychologist that has helped children gr

[Anonymous Coward]

I'm posting anonymously myself. I'm 35 and my mom is recovering from stage 4 breast cancer. She's cancer free right now, but her 5 year survival rate is very low (like 15% or so). But you know what kinds of things I thought of when I found out my mom had stage 4 breast cancer? (Some sound stupid if you aren't in that position, but it's something to think about.)

- I had my mom sing Happy Birthday and recorded it. Nice to be able to hear your mom sing happy birthday to you if she isn't around. My family is dorky though, and she sings happy birthday to me on my voicemail if i don't answer the phone on my birthday.
- Recorded us singing some Christmas Carols.

It's the stupid little things that she'll be glad she has.

Desiderata

[Anonymous Coward]

Desiderata on video may be a nice idea. Godspeed, sir.

Same boat different paddle

[pbjones]

I also have cancer, leave those behind in as good a financial position as you can, point out the need to balance geek with old fashioned fun like sports or crafts, tell them not to sweat over the small stuff in life. Talk about you not being around and any plans that you are making, don't hide the fact that are going the die, sorry for being blunt, but that's the way that I have done it. Also, don't rely on technology, put stuff in a book that can be read any one at any future time, your grandkids will want to know about you too. Good luck mate.

Videos for Fun

[Anonymous Coward]

I think videos to future daughter and wife make sense, but mix them up a bit with humour... "in the event of zombie apocalypse", "your first MPAA takedown notice", "so, you decided to take the cliched route...", "why you should make backups of $J#NFRJJ# 00010100 101 020", be more amusing than didactic. If anything, you and your wife, friends, and family will have fun making them.

Darwin Awards Winner 2011

[Anonymous Coward]

Steve Jobs

Share Your Life Lessons

[hduff]

Share anecdotes from your past where you learned a life lesson, especially where you made a mistake or bad choice and learned from it. That way it comes across as not so much a morality lecture and more the loving, caring advice you want to share. It provides context. It humanizes you. It makes a bigger impact on her. And it makes a connection from you to her that will endure as she lives her life and raises her children.

Fuck the wisdom. Tell her about who her father is

[LordZardoz]

I would want my daughter to know who her father is as a person.

There is a great deal about you that your child will remember. But there are clearly stories about yourself that you would never tell a 12 year old girl.
Things like the first time you got drunk, or did something that horrified your parents. Essentially, things that your best friends and wife might know but might not tell your child about.

So tell your kid about the first time you got drunk, but also say why you did that and what you were thinking. Tell you child about the most important decisions you made in your life, and why you made them. Tell your child about your regrets and what you wish you could have done differently. If you have any strong beliefs that are important to you, talk about them and why they are important.

END COMMUNICATION

The best gift you can give her is the story of you

[Anonymous Coward]

As a grown man who lost my own father a little over a year ago I can say that my only regret in life is that I didn't get to know him better. My father was quiet and short for words. I want to know why he voted the way he did. Why he decided to stay with my mom when they had problems in the 80s. What did he see in college sports that I didn't. What kind of adventures he had as a young man. What mistakes did he make that helped him be a better man.

The list goes on and on, but the point is, tell her who you were. When she grows up and can revisit your story through adult eyes she will appreciate it so much more than you could imagine.

Thank you

[Anonymous Coward]

Tomorrow, I'm saying goodbye to my best mate.

Cardiomyopathy took him from his wife, his two young kids, and a great many friends and family at an age that is shockingly young.

As the person who stuck up their hand to go through photos and videos, in an attempt to piece together a coherent and memorable cluster of images for the family to (hopefully) treasure, please let me thank you for trying to put something like this into place, in advance.

It will be viewed. It will be poured over. It will be treasured, and since it has come from you, with foreknowlede of your timeframe, it will be more powerful and meaninful than anything anyone like myself could put together after the fact.

Just another AC.

Careful on releasing future content

[Anonymous Coward]

I was nowhere near your daughters age when I lost my mother. However, there is one thing that I would caution you about.

Create your videos for all occasions, and instruct your spouse to allow your daughter to have access to each and every one of them. Then expect that she'll binge watch, and then want nothing to do with them for awhile.

The hardest part of dealing with my mother's loss was the random reminders that would come up. Even after three years it doesn't take much to get me teary eyed. I couldn't only imagine the stress of automated delivery of a video that would bring back all those emotions when not prepared.

No one can predict how your daughter will grieve, but it would be unfair to not give her the option of being able to box up your memories (physically and metaphorically) and put you away until she's ready to deal with it or enjoy old memories.

Re:Careful on releasing future content

[INeededALogin]

+1 The nerd in me says how cool would it be to release letters, videos, presents, e-mails, etc after I'm gone. Living from the grave... to torment the living.

Tell a story of progress

[DickBreath]

Among the stories of your life, family and other things, also tell a story of progress. Tell of things that we enjoy today that didn't exist when you were a child. How did those things come to be?

I am very sorry to hear of your impending death and the pain it will bring to your family.

Maybe also tell a cautionary tale for when she is an adult. The world has had dark episodes of history before. And it could again, but on a much larger scale. What lessons can be learned from the past to prevent it happening again?

The elephant in the room

[BarbaraHudson]

After looking at 252 comments, I don't see anyone talking about any future step-dad, or that the wife may (probably / hopefully) re-marry. Annual / special occasion videos, etc., will inevitably draw contrasts between you and your "replacement." And tear open wounds rather than let them heal. Live for the time you have with both of them now - the future will take care of itself.

Re:The elephant in the room

[kit_triforce]

I disagree, perhaps letting them know that it's okay for them to move on with their lives, even if it means not watching later videos/opening future letters. My wife has made it clear that if she passes early she wants me to remarry, for our children. If I were in your situation I would remind them in each message not to dwell on the past, but to feel free to move forward. Tell them that you have made these messages not as a way to tie them to you, but to stand behind them during the important and often difficult times.

Leave a DNA sample

[arobatino]

I know it's not exactly what you're asking, but DNA sequencing is getting cheaper, our ability to understand it is growing, and yet it never occurs to most people to save a DNA sample. At some point, when sequencing becomes cheap enough to do casually (not just for medical purposes) people WILL start to understand its value, and wish someone had saved samples from their ancestors, not just some old photos. It's possible to arrange for the samples to be frozen indefinitely, at low cost, for future sequencing (since current technology is not only expensive, but more importantly, isn't actually capable of reading the entire genome yet).

Article in SMH today

[Anonymous Coward]

http://www.smh.com.au/technology/sci-tech/australian-researchers-map-of-pancreatic-cancer-will-refine-treatment-20150225-13oo1s.html

No caretaker

[hooiberg]

My girlfgriend has taken care of her dying father from age 12 to age 25, when he finally died. This broke her youth, and is still, ate age 46. a heavy burden that influences her life daily.

In that light, I think the most important thing you can teach her, is not to be a caretaker for you. And even more important, not letting your wife talk her into becoming one.

Second, Teach her to do as much as she can with her mind . I lived with parents who believed that school is bad for children, and that children should play in mud in stead of going to school. Expecially my mother fought my development every step she got the chance. Because of that, it took me a ludicrous time to graduate. Teach her that school can be a positive influence in her life. That education is a good thing. That if she has the mental ability to enjoy the education she wants, she should definitely not refrain from doing so.

About science?

[Jane Q. Public]

"Science is the belief in the ignorance of experts." -- Richard Feynman.

There is no other single, concise thing I could say that conveys more.

"Consensus" is not science. The history of science has been the history of OVERTURNING consensus. That's what it does best.

Re:About science?

[Anonymous Coward]

That's exactly what I keep telling all those Darwinists who swallowed the Kool-Aid.

wisdom

[pen-helm]

I have been seeking wisdom recently, and the best I've heard is:

"Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and his justice, and all these [other, necessary] things [like food and clothing] shall be added unto you."

my only advice

[slew]

Make sure that your daughter and wife both know that they can leave you behind and still be happy w/o you.

I know that's hard to hear, but there will probably come a time where your wife might meet someone who will want to be a father figure to your daughter. Letting them both know that you are okay with that (in principle) w/o dwelling on specifics, can probably help them lead a happier life than if they constantly felt they would be betraying you by going that route. You won't be there and you cannot anticipate their needs after you are gone (even with piles of money in the bank and family and friends to watch over them who may be eventually too busy with their own nuclear families to adequately keep watch)...

That is if you think you have the courage to broach the subject. In a way, that is the ultimate sacrifice you can make for their happiness, but it's probably harder than cutting off your hand to save your life...

Here's an idea I got from a podcast

[DRMShill]

Record a conversation you're having with your friends. We tend to have a way of speaking to our kids that's very different than how we'd speak to our peers. A few recorded conversations with friends, coworkers etc would give your daughter more insight into you as a person and not just as a parent.

Be wary of leaving messages from the grave

[Anonymous Coward]

OP, very sorry to hear of your diagnosis. As a father myself I understand wanting to leave something to guide your daughter after you are gone, but you should realize that there is no way to interact and converse. Your daughter may idealize you from your messages, you will certainly idealize her future. In the end it may lead to impossible expectations. Robin McGee talked about her experience of her mother's passing from cancer, and the letters that her mother wrote for the many important events of life she would miss. It went from something that provided comfort and connection to something that became a burden. Here's the piece she did with This American Life http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/401/parent-trap?act=1.

Re:from a psychologist that has helped children gr

[ranton]

This is an amazing list. I only have one thing to add (along the lines of your #10):

12) Tell her about yourself. Your daughter is old enough to remember you, but she isn't old enough to have really gotten to know you. That is something she is bound to be very curious about. She will get information from your wife, your family and friends that are still around, but hearing things directly from you could also be helpful. Tell her about important moments in your life. What were your goals dreams when in high school / college / your 20's. I enjoy talking to my mother and father about their lives, and now that I am in my 30's with my own daughter I have a different perspective.

Simple

[SuiteSisterMary]

Tell her that she's not a geek, she's not a nerd, she's a person. That whatever interests and hobbies she has, or chooses to pursue, aren't what define her. That she doesn't need to lock herself into a predefined box.

Re:from a psychologist that has helped children gr

[magarity]

3) Girls are unfairly subject to society-specific, irrational concepts like having to look a certain way or behave in more rigid patterns. She does not have to follow those patterns unless she wants to.

3a) When women travel outside North America and Western Europe, the latter part of this is less applicable to various degrees. Indeed, in some parts of the world, not adhering strictly to expected female behaviour can be fatal.

Re:My mother died of the same... here's what she d

[Anonymous Coward]

Having lost my father at a fairly young age, I find myself mostly wanting to know this type of information. Those times when I come upon a note that fills in some of those types of pieces of who my father was and how he viewed the world, whether big or small events, means more than I expect one can imagine without having gone through a similar loss. Things to show them how you dealt with various life decisions and events would be great. A way to be a role model for everything from picking out a car or house, to marriage. Other than that, videos of you being you, videos of you with them and their mother and other loved ones - videos to show them who you are and how much you love them.

Get your ass to a medical marijuana state

[Anonymous Coward]

Marijuana cures cancer. Google Rick Simpson Oil.
Save your fucking life, and worry about wisdom after you're cured.

Re:Get your ass to a medical marijuana state

[Anonymous Coward]

http://www.tokesignals.com/worth-repeating-cannabinoids-kill-pancreatic-cancer-cells/

Love, values, and a commitment to asking questions

[Anonymous Coward]

I would first make her understand very well that you love her

I would then stress the important of values (ie freedom of speech, association, religion etc) and that she should always be concerned about ensuring that she is taking the high road in everything she does

But most importantly, I would stress that she always asks questions, even if she may not like the answers. It is always tragic to see someone with a perfectly good mind close it off because they just don't want to ask the hard questions, and so they remain ignorant. She should always be learning, but at the same time challenging the sources she is learning from (whether it be teachers, the news, pastors, friends, etc).

Re:from a psychologist that has helped children gr

[orgenegro]

I assure you, both sexes are subject to society specific irrational concepts and hormonally driven motives.

think again

[Anonymous Coward]

I am not sure how many videos or VMs you are planning to prepare for your girl, but I think that would cause more pain than comfort for her. All those future dated messages can remind her of you and she might feel the pain repeatedly at every phase of her life. She is lucky for having a smart mother who can take care of her.

I Enjoy

[cdd109]

I always enjoy hearing my dad tell stories about his life before I was born. Particularly about lessons his dad taught him, good times they had, and the stuff you normally wouldn't tell your kids - like some of the dumb stuff he did as a teenager or in his early 20's. To me it was stuff I could relate to and made him seem more like a human being and not just my "omnipotent" dad. Good luck to you brother.

Re:I Enjoy

[tjamme]

Spot on.

Cannabinoids and cancer

[2helix]

You might want to look into this website for info on fighting the cancer with hemp oil - http://phoenixtears.ca/

Tell her stories

[Anonymous Coward]

If you have the time after you've gotten the milestones and the values and wisdom, out of the way, have some videos telling her stories from your perspective - Childhood summers. Tales that your parents told you. How you met her mother. How your best friend came to be your best friend. Trivial things about that guy in school that made you chuckle. Your memories of her as a baby and growing up. Throw in some dad jokes. Tell her the story of trinkets of yours that will probably be around after you're gone.

Once you've got the big things out of the way doing this would provide her with a sense of your company, that she can just watch and feel the connection again.

The monumental things are great, but sometimes you just want the trivial familariry.

Don't get old.

[Anonymous Coward]

The enormity of your condition is not one I can imagine. Years ago, though, I was a recreational youth counselor, taking care of children after school. One day, I decided to get on the swinset, and one of the children asked me why. I said "because it's fun, why do you do it?"

I told him "look, the day you grow old is the day you stop playing. Have you ever seen anyone who chose to become old? They're bitter, disappointed people. Please do me a favor; you will grow up, and nothing can stop that, but please don't ever grow old."

Nas:

[AlCapwn]

Life's a bitch and then you die; that's why we get high
Cause you never know when you're gonna go

True story.

mathematics .... and more

[Teunis]

I didn't see my dad after I was 8.
however he taught me how to use a soldering iron, some basics of wiring and ... ... from there I got algebra in grade 4, simple electronics physics (eg: what's taught in grade 12 usually) and some more (by asking for an engineer's help through my school) ... and everything with computer science has been relatively obvious.
(and what drove me was making music and radios with electronics...)

Really if you've had a good relationship so far, they're going to have everything else possible - but that's one of the advantages that can enable all kinds of later geekery, if pursued.

Anything that makes doors easier to open in the future helps, really. Good self esteem, good self image, awareness of possibilities and knowledge all do that.

Show -- Don't Tell

[mileshigh]

Of course that's the first directive of movie-making, and also of raising kids. They don't listen to what you say, but they sure do watch what you do and that's how you end up rearing them. Any parent who thinks their lecturing matters just isn't paying attention.

So, if you still want to make videos, make them about you and the rest of the family. Show how you are with various people (including your daughter, her mother, your parents, etc), how you approach things & situations, what you're proud of/like/dislike about yourself, etc. The good and the bad or it'll come off fake. Maybe tell some stories that show some of the how & why you're like that. I'm afraid that's about the limit of the medium. Get too preachy and you lose 'em every time. Oh, and keep the segments short... you know where attention spans are heading.

make movies

[Anonymous Coward]

You know whats great about having parents around, when you get to sit down and enjoy some stories from their youth. It helps put our problems in prospective. I'd would make videos that hit these key points. A time when you got really embarrassed, funny stories from your past, explain a low in your life how you dealt with it, and how you met and fell in love with your wife. You've been married for some time you know the ups and down to marriage. It can be rough. tell her to be patient. A wedding speech from you would be super cool. All girls think about that magical day when their dad walks them down the isle. Think about what your would tell her and future groom if it occurred today (and she was of age of course). A video that could be played at the wedding would be sweet.

Re:Gerson

[Anonymous Coward]

Posting anon for obvious reasons.

My father in law was taken in by the Gerson theories (and specifically a variant of them practiced by an American "doctor" in Germany) after being diagnosed with esophageal cancer. My wife cared for him during the treatment and the 4 months he lived afterwards. They don't work (certainly not without being used alongside conventional treatments) and the sort of "doctors" that espouse them also say things like, don't take him to the ER when he turns FUCKING YELLOW because the cancer's spread to the liver.

All the success cases this particular quack used as examples had courses of chemo or radiotherapy alongside his happy-clappy diet and enema malarky. He and others like him don't say that and in our case specifically warned against ANY contact with "conventional" doctors.

Oh, and all the drugs/vits/fungus/etc is really expensive and the Gershon practitioners just happen to sell it. Quelle surprise. The whole thing is false hope and charlatanry.

Don't worry about time left.

[Anonymous Coward]

It is not about what you teach, it's about communicating your love.
I am not a good feelings ambassador: objectively, love belongs to meaning, not to the mechanics of reality, so it is unbound by time and space, just like the truth value of a math expression is unbound by numbers and operations.
The "most fatherless" people I met were not missing the person itself, like I did since I was 14, but those that didn't have their parents' love.

Good luck.

Be a Father and a Husband, Do Not Lecture

[Anonymous Coward]

I am over forty years old. I have never saw my father. I saw my mother in person more than twenty years ago, we live in distant countries. We occasionally talk over the phone, no video. At my home, I have an album of photographs of her, but I very rarely open it. I never re-read those piles of letters that she wrote to me. I think about her every day. I have several *mental* images of her, when we were spending time together. I felt that she was happy then. I was very happy with her too. These images---and nothing else---warm me up from inside at tough times. If one could film us then, these images would sum up in less than five clips of video, each clip a second to five seconds long. No codec can convey the emotional sharpness of these images, they will stay with me forever. I loving happy mother that I love. This is worth the time that you have. Be, physically, with your dear ones, as long as you can, as much time as you can. Do not waste time at video editing.

As all parents do (I know that, I am a father to two kids), we have this urge of teaching and lecturing our kids *verbally*. It just does not work. You are an educator, you should know that transfer of information is not education. Our actions, behaviour, and reactions to and in particular circumstances, that is what teaches our children. My mother never lectured me about benefits of reading, she simply kept brining interesting books to me and never refused a conversation about things that I read. Until this day, I am an avid reader. In my life, I already did all the things she *told* me not to do, some of them multiple times, with terrible consequences.

I sincerely wish you a complete recovery, but your last and the most important lesson to your daughter should be the lesson of human love.

Don't forget your wife

[kit_triforce]

As (I hope) others may have said, make sure you also make some videos for your wife. Help her to be the best Mom she can be. Help her to know what qualities you loved about her. Help build her up, so that she can be there for your daughter when you cannot. Birthdays and anniversaries will likely be the hardest, planned some timed messages for then. I don't know about your religious views, but I believe strongly that the bonds of marriage can last beyond death.

When you have to leave a job or project that you love, you give your all to make sure that it will continue well after you leave. A family is the greatest project any of us will be a part of, and with you passing away your wife will be the sole top administrator. Give her tools for that bad times, when she'll not feel up to the task. Encourage her, let her know that she is wonderful and completely capable. Let her know your approval, gratitude, and love for her.

Re:from a psychologist that has helped children gr

[Anonymous Coward]

4) Guys, especially in high school and college, heck many adults, can be driven by hormonally-driven motives. Watch out for hormones combined with lousy environmental circumstances like alcohol, drugs, dark alleys. Guys in high school and college also have immature pre-frontal cortices, resulting in increased impulsiveness. Make sure she has a solid set of friends that help watch out for one another.

Would you say something like this, but about how terrible women are instead? No? Then don't say it about men, either.

Point 3 is hardly unique to girls, too.

Yet another voice in the darkness...

[marphod]

Given the number of comments made so far, the odds that the OP will see this (or more than a handful of people, for that matter) is vanishingly small. That said, I laude you for your creativity and insight to do such a thing for your daughter. You might want to do something similar for your wife, as well; I expect she will want to hear encouragement from you, even after you're gone.

My father passed just under a year ago, due to complications from stage-4 Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. There was about 10 days between his diagnosis and when he died; he didn't have a chance to make any specific goodbyes. Admittedly, my situation is different -- I'm cis-male and my father died well after I became a (nominal) adult. However, I can offer suggestions based on what I would have liked to know, and never had the chance to ask. I can also offer some advice based on the efforts my brother and I have had to go through to deal with his papers and documents.

I'd like to have had more records of my extended family and those who came before. My father was a first-generation American, the child of Holocaust Survivors. I don't know that much in the way of specific stories about my family from Europe, or the struggles of leaving, my grandparent's emigration, or similar. I know my father (and uncle) had stories told to him by his parents, though. Few, if any, ever made it past that; I hope my uncle will pass on the verbal record as he best can.

I'd like to have known more about my father's life and who he was. In going through his papers, I've found letters of commendation from Under-Secretary (US Cabinet) level offices about subject I had no idea he had any expertise. I never realized how many patents he had gotten over the years (none of which were software, FWIW), or some of the weird adventures he had. I know he was a prankster when he was in college, but I didn't realize the extent until I found a letter from a college friend that read like an indictment. =)

I'd like to have known more about things he wish he could have done and any regrets he might have had. I know he never visited Israel and wanted to, but little else. I can't right any mistakes he made, but maybe I can make some sort of amends or do things in his memory.

I would like to know what he would have thought of any kids my wife and I might have. I personally regret not telling him that we plan on having kids -- I think he died thinking that my brother and I were the last of our line (My brother has no intention on having kids, only cats).

Give whatever advice you think best. You know your daughter, and while she will change over the years, the best you can do is to be honest and frank. Inevitably she's going to fall; give her your advice on how, somedays, the best thing is to get up and fight back and others it is to eat a pint of ice cream and fight the battle a different day. Someday, someone is going to violate her trust; give advice on both how to rebuild that trust and how to walk away.

Perhaps my strongest piece of advice is don't make videos for specific events. Make videos for types of events, and maybe for different ages. She may or may not ever marry, graduate high school or college, or have children; make videos for days of celebration. She may or may not ever lose a partner or close friend, have a divorce, get into a car accident, or fail a class. Make videos to cheer her up after a bad day and encourage her for future endeavors.

Regardless, make sure you let your personality come through; don't get so caught in the effort that you miss the most important message.

Some advice on the non-video aspects, though. Go through your papers (or files or whatever) and trim them down to what is important and what isn't. I didn't need to find 2 dozen copies of my father's Thesis, or his college notes, much less his stacks of punch cards (... which were unnumbered. There's a special kind of hell for people who don't number their punch card stacks). Nor did I need his collection of square-dancing ribbo

Very short

[YrWrstNtmr]

A 'video' I'd do would be very short, and only 2 parts.

1. Be a good person (TM)
2. Don't take crap from anyone.

Anything 'geek related' will quickly be out of date.

And talk to her like you'd talk to an adult. She is only little for a little while. She will soon be 20-25-30

I feel your pain on this journey. Good luck.

Videos

[Anonymous Coward]

I highly suggest making as many videos as you can, for various purposes. Make one for each birthday, all the way up to (and past) 50 years old. Make one congratulating her on getting married. Make one for her first car, her first job - anything you can think of. Label them clearly, and tell your wife where they're located. They will be time capsules of your love to be given to her throughout the rest of her life, letting her know that even though your time with her was short, her entire life was your concern.

If you're worried about spending time with her versus making these videos, you can make them after she's safely in bed. It would only take minutes to make each video, and you have plenty of time after her lights go out for the night.

Tell her about you

[evilklown]

When I think of the things that I wish I knew about my family that have passed, I wish I knew more about their life. The struggles they faced, the decisions they made, and the joyous times they had. An important part of those things, though, is the rationale behind decisions and what was learned from the outcome. It's great that I have heard stories about my grandparents, for example, but I have no way to go back and ask why they did what they did or if they, in retrospect, would've made a different decision and how they think that decision would've changed their lives.

Time together

[tjamme]

It would appear your daughter is smart and it also appear you are being very courageous. Qualities which tell me that, one way or another, eventually, everything will be fine.
The important thing is to spend some time with your daughter. This way she will feel loved, and armed with loads of self worth, there are no challenges she will not be able to face. Wisdom, knowledge, values, I know you already know you can trust her to make the right choices in life.
So time together, just conversations with random subjects, or silly games if she is too young, and loads of smiles and cuddles, moments you may want to record, will most probably be the most valuable use of your time. These videos of your interaction together will be worth a lot more than monologues. It will make your connection real.
If you think there is wisdom that you need to pass on, maybe you should put together a list of books, together with a few lines explaining what you found in them. When your daughter reads these books, she may experience the same emotions you have, and that will bring you together across the time divide.
(I am trying to remember what books influenced me and all I can think is that line where Tintin says to a vengeful Captain Haddock "If we kill them (their attackers) then we would be as bad as them" [The Crab with the Golden Claws]).
Putting that list together should take a lot less time, while capitalising on the skills of the writers and their talent to share knowledge.
Good luck.

Steve Job's Kids

[njhunter]

Too bad we can't get Steve Job's kids to post what they want to ask of their dad at this point in their lives. The worst part about someone dying is that the dead are never just a phonecall/text/email away (but those questions are about growing up and using you as a crutch). If you already have this much care for your daughter, she's going to turn out just right with what she's already learned from you. Better tell her to stay foolish.

Anything and everything!

[Anonymous Coward]

Post random thoughts about your daily life including how you feel about your recent diagnosis. She needs to experience the "mundane" as well as the rare moments and this will help solidify her memory of you as a whole person, not a benefactor or her father, but as you, a human being in his own right. I'll wager she treasures some of those just as much as the special, directed messages.

Cannabis

[Anonymous Coward]

I'm not saying it will cure you at all but why not try some Cannabis oil, it should at least help.

Carpe Diem

[Morpeth]

I think many other people have posted very thoughtful and hopefully appropriate/useful ideas for you.

Mine would be this... say to yourself in a Monty Python-esque voice "I'm not dead yet..." and make as many memories as you can with her now, while your body still allows it. If you are financially and physically able, maybe travel with her a bit, but it doesn't have to be something grandiose even -- you know what your daughter would enjoy more than any of us.

2-6 months isn't a lot of time, and I sincerely hope you have more than that -- BUT seriously, carpe diem, I don't mean that to sound as cliched as it does, but really use the time wisely to give her as many good and important memories as you can.

I think the videos are a fine idea, but you will never be able to make enough to cover every situation and milestone she'll reach, or not reach. Helping her to be a strong, healthy, happy, inquisitive, confident, fearless young woman will be your be gift, and knowing she'll 'be ok' might make things a bit better as your time draws near.

Best wishes to you, and I'm sorry you have to deal with this shit. As a parent with a young daughter myself, I can't even fathom what you're going through

Books

[Anonymous Coward]

Hi,

The best and only piece of advice you ever need to give a young person is this, "reading books makes you clever". That's all they need to know.

Geek Code/cred, Selfies, date stamps, love, etc

[brindafella]

Do some selfies at places she will know in years to come: city and local landmarks, places and things that interest you, not just the local playground where you and she have been.

Digital pics have a date/time stamp, but any printed pics in a book should have a date written on the back and under.

You will be thought about regularly, but make sure that it is always a good memory you are leaving.

Your interests and accomplishments may be of interest to any men in her life; they will more naturally associate with those, so have something to say about your 'man' interests.

Geek credibility: do the Geek Code, and add 'extensions'. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/G...

Explain a man's understanding of love. Link it to how your lady and you got together. Add how you and she decided to have a child. She will need to understand this in order to get a rounded idea of how to choose a man in her life.

(Assuming you can) Write some HTML in a small text file that says some of the important "Dad things" things in a browser. Suggest that she can have this as a remembrance. If she runs it, okay. If not, she'll remember it anyway. Your collective 'geek' will be passed on.

Cry.

I'd encourage her like i do my own daughter...

[BosstonesOwn]

Encourage her to absolutely follow what she loves to do.. And question EVERYTHING.... That is how great thinkers all started their lives.

And what things she will need to hear... Quite Simply I love you and I believe in you...

My father died when I was young....

[Anonymous Coward]

My father passed away before I was mature enough to ask questions about his childhood, which I would love to know about today. He did make sure that all of his children knew how much he loved us (all 4 of us equally and unconditionally, which he made sure we knew every day and on his deathbed).
I would love to possess a few notes from him (typed, handwritten, doesn't matter) about who he was, what was his childhood like, what events shaped his life (one of which I do know of, HIS father also died when he was young). So much of him was left just by what he taught me while he was alive, and I'm sure the same will be for your daughter, don't worry.... For example, my father instilled an importance of education, which I carry over to my children today. I am female and I am a successful software engineer. I have a better job than my wonderful intelligent father ever did, because I got those degrees he could not afford.
Ok back to my point, sorry... I would love to read stories about his childhood. What were his parents like? Why did he never talk about his father's death? What events stood out in his mind as he grew up? What was important to him? Heck, did he have a favorite stuffed animal when he was little? Why did he never move out of the town he grew up in? I don't know why I want to know these things, but I do. And I never thought to ask. How self-centric of me. Oddly enough, my little boy asks me about my childhood all of the time. Yes, to delay bedtime ;) but he asks. To a lesser degree, my daughter does too.
Besides the other great answers you've received about what to impart, perhaps some typed notes (in addition to the videos you plan) of who you have been, why you are the person you are today, and bonus points for telling your daughter all about how you love being her father, and stoires about how you and she interacted (when she was too young to remember - a few toddler stories maybe).
She will treasure the written words just as much as the video you plan to set up.
Best of luck. I am sorry you must leave your loved ones so soon. Please know your daughter will treasure whatever words, however few or many, that you leave with her.

We are here for both of you

[tloh]

I hope for your experience over the years, we've done right by you as a supportive community, true to the geek spirit. Tell your daughter we welcome her inquisitive mind as much as we've always done so for all geeks everywhere. Let her know the guys and gals here would like nothing more than to nurture and guide her as she grows and develops into a person of consequence. We are a poor substitute for the love and devotion of a living father. But we can do nothing less.

Re:from a psychologist that has helped children gr

[Anonymous Coward]

I accidentally modded this down 1. Someone please mod it back up.

Sorry bout that. Thanks in advance.

Critical Thinking Skills

[Holdstrong]

Critical thinking, the scientific method, problem solving skills, the confidence to question things, and an awe and curiosity about the world...

These are the things I would want to leave my child with. Along with love, of course, but from your post it is very clear you already have that covered.

Fuzzy inspiration

[tomxor]

I also have memories of my father from a younger perspective. I too would like to learn more about him from my perspective now, to ask questions and have conversations i would not have as a child. However... perhaps the fuzzy memories of a child are more flattering and leave the adult mind with some wonder compared with the more lucid and analytical memories created by your present self.

My dad is quite creative and technical in a variety of ways, he shared some of that with me when i was young, that provided great inspiration for me and gave me some happy memories of the time i spent with him. The silly thing is that he's still alive... but has always lived far away, now further than ever in an isolated part of another country above the clouds (literally not metaphorically).

I guess the nugget of wisdom to be extracted from this is: memories are good, so spend your time and effort being together. The better the time and the stronger the emotion - the more potent and lasting the memory will be.

Do ask for advice online at sengifted.org

[Beryllium Sphere(tm)]

Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted is a solid resource.

As someone with a Civil Servant mindset...

[eepok]

Background: My heart is in education. One of my passions is sustainable transportation. I've only ever worked in the public sector and with non-profits. I don't ever want to be paid more than $75k/year for my work because I believe that true civil servants should only take what they need (with need being definable individually).

Kurt Vonnegut's book "God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater" spoke to me rather intensely. In that book, the main character, Mr. Rosewater, is so admired by the town of loonies in which he volunteers, that he was asked to baptize a set of twins. These were Mr. Rosewater's words to the babies: “Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies- 'God damn it, you've got to be kind.' ”

I know that the world is not full of kind people. It's full of people. Many are just scared. Some are mean. Most are kind, but too timid to show it. But I think we could slowly create a better world full of kindness if we actually attempted to instill kindness in our children from a young age.

Suggestion #1: Advise that she defaults to kindness. No, kindness will not always be immediately appreciated, so also advise that she assume that her kindness will be appreciated at some point and to take solace in that it will beneficially affect the person regardless of immediate observation.

Suggestion #2: Advise that sometimes she accept failure and always admit fault. It was a hard-learned lesson in life that sometimes, I fail. Coming to terms with being imperfect is one of the great life lessons. Remind her that to always learn from failure and commit to improvement. Along the same lines, I found that life was much less stressful and my relationships much more rewarding and after I learned to admit fault. "I erred. Here's what I did wrong. I'm sorry. Here's how I plan to be better." Getting into the habit of admitting fault where it's due (even slightly) requires that one be vulnerable... but it also makes others feel safe in vulnerability. When people together learn to admit fault and flaws, they are more accepting, forgiving, and open to change.

Suggestion #3: Advise that in an industry (STEM) still dominated by males, females are frequently uncomfortable with what passes as normal social standards. The worst way to influence change in these situations, with fellow male geeks, is by attack. Geek guys have been attacked their whole lives and when they finally are amongst other geek guys, they finally get to feel safe. Attacking that safety by denigrating the person and demanding change instantly instead of considerately request changes in behavior over time is unwise. We see this most immediately with with the entire GamerGate fiasco where everyone looks like assholes regardless of side or intent. Remember: EVERYONE is insecure and a request for change is frequently seen as an attack. You must be gentle and you must be kind if you want to genuinely affect long-term change.

*Your* Stories, *Your* Memories....

[klek]

After my siblings and I lost our mom prematurely, the thing that we have struggled with the most is missing all the stories she had in her head... about our early years, of course, but also about different stages of things in our lives - sequences of events, or tales of lesser-known relatives. Happy memories of us that she had & liked to recall... Silly stores that made *her* laugh... that warmed *her* heart... We will never be able to get those now that she's passed over. We've been able to reconstruct some details between us, but HER stories - anything she never wrote down - are gone forever now.

I humbly suggest to not be a "Dad" and "tell" her stuff, but instead share the stuff that makes you happy & joyful to have known her & cared for her while you did.

And,.. you have my condolences, you are in a difficult situation. All the best to you and yours..

Re:*Your* Stories, *Your* Memories....

[whopub]

I have to agree with this. On top of everything else, what she'll value the most are probably the things that you, and only you, know. Information only you can provide. Most of the other stuff can be taken from other sources. One thing that worries me, when I contemplate my parents' demise (fortunately they're still around, but death is not something we can circumvent), is information about their lives. Family stuff. Not just for practical reasons, like having a thorough medical family history, but just so she knows how things happened. How their parents met, how their lives were like, tough decisions, important episodes, funny anecdotes, strange coincidences, etc. And since she's too young to share some of your interests, you'll probably want to share with her stuff like your favorite movies (and actors, directors, genres), favorite music (bands, artists, songs, albums, periods), TV shows, food, etc. I know this sounds a bit like advice for setting up a cool online dating profile, but trust me, stuff like this can be fundamental in knowing someone. Sometimes what we are like comes down to what we like too...

Undoubtedly there will be moments in her life when she'll wonder what you'd say/think/feel about something. It'd be great if you were able to provide her with a framework to help her navigate that.

Anyway, it's a great thing that you're even considering doing something like that. I'm sure she'll treasure it. Strange as it may seem, if there's the feeling that videos like that (or anything at all for that mater, in any shape or form) may come at certain stages of her life, I'm sure it'll help her deal with your absence.

Having said that, I'm really sorry about the reason you're doing this. I've been through the 'you have cancer' bit from doctors too, and at this point I have no idea whether or not I got rid of it. Anyway, best of luck.

Re:from a psychologist that has helped children gr

[MS]

Fully agree with point 12!
You shouldn't try to tell her what she has to do - you can't predict what she will face anyway.
Tell her instead what she will likely want to hear from you, that nobody else could tell her: about you, your life, your past, your setbacks, your delights, your thoughts, your fears - anything!

A single thing that is worth while

[Shadespectre]

Something that I did not understand until much later in life, that was ingrained in me by my parents in several ways over the years immediately came to mind.

Respect yourself.

It seems simple and is often overlooked, but I have found it to be worth while. The people in my life that I can honestly trust, respect themselves. This ends up showing through in their work ethic, their moral choices, their relationships, and even interactions with strangers. I've noticed that they even interact with people on social media in a unique and positive way. By having self respect, they show a respect towards others, no matter what the circumstances. Others that I have known in my life that tend to be less conscious of those around them eventually show tendencies of counter productivity to even self destruction, and a lack of self respect. My best, lifelong friends have a stability to them and show compassion and empathy to everything that comes into their lives. Their own self respect impacts all that this world brings before them, and it is amazing to observe.

I hope my few words can be of use to you, and I wish your time with your wife and daughter be of the best quality.

Paper Notes

[Anonymous Coward]

Do you have notes, derivations, etc., in dead tree format? These are some of my most treasured possessions from past mentors that continue to inspire me.

Likewise, real actual tools of the trade from my grandfathers have inspired me since I was a child.

Record genealogy, family history

[Anonymous Coward]

Record what you know of your genealogy, and family history. Who is who, and where you lived. She will appreciate this when she is much older. We are doing this now with my wife's father and uncle, and it is most illuminating.

BREAKTHROUGH FOR TREATING PANCREATIC CANCER

[Anonymous Coward]

I found this article just today, I don't know if it can be of any help:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/new...

BREAKTHROUGH FOR TREATING PANCREATIC CANCER

[Anonymous Coward]

I just found this article, I don't know if it can be of any help:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/new...

Robustness principle

[ectoraige]

If you want to look to a 'geeky' principle as a guide to living life, look no further than the Robustness Principe - treat others with patience and tolerance, and anything you do, do it right.

Making Decisions

[Anonymous Coward]

As a "geek girl", I like to think through all of my decisions completely thoroughly - every scenario, every outcome I can think of - before I commit. If your daughter is like this, the most overwhelming moments in her life might be like mine. A) Where do I go to college? (Do I go to college?) B) Do I take a big chance in my relationship? C) Do I want to be a parent? When should I be a parent?

What I have come to realize is that my life would have turned out okay no matter which choice I made in each of those scenarios. I might have ended up in a different place with a different person but I would have been happy because I am strong and I can create happiness for myself. Rather than any of those specific scenarios, perhaps a video for her to watch when she is struggling with a big decision of any kind. Let her know that it is good to think things through, but that most decision questions have many right answers rather than just one. Let her know that you would be happy with whatever choice feels right to her at the time. And let her know that it will be ok to change her mind later.

I wish you and your family many perfect little moments to carry you through the hard ones.

If you're going to make a video...

[Anonymous Coward]

make it about you.

I lost my grandfather when I was three. He had serious mechanical skills and I would have like to learn them from him. But, I can learn that online. If I had a chance to hear a message from him today, I'd like to know who he was... what he liked to do... what he sounded like... his mannerisms... what he had fun doing... what he felt passionate about. I would have like to see him interact with members of the family. I'd like to hear memories of his ancestors.

Tell her that you would have liked to stay around to see who she becomes but that it just wasn't possible. Tell her that you never gave up and she shouldn't either. Sometimes death takes you even though you've given it your best, but make it _take_ you. Don't make it's job easy.

I'd Tell Her

[Greyfox]

I'd tell her to never apologize for who she is and never let anyone tell her she can't do something because she's a girl.

Also if you have an indoor skydiving facility near you, I'd take her to do that and spring for the video. I'd say 6-10 minutes each. You may as well keep experiencing new stuff up until you die, and it's quite memorable. Hell if I was you I'd go on a tandem skydive too. What have you got to be afraid of at this point? And maybe a hot air balloon ride, too. You'd be surprised how easy it is to find a hot air balloon pilot in a given area, and that's something you can take the entire family to do. Knock out that bucket list and make some memories for everyone!

Consider the long term impact

[Anonymous Coward]

I know you will get more advice than you can do anything with. I hope you will at least read this comment. Instead of encoding advice, I will suggest considering the impact of a long term plan. I suggest checking out This American Life's episode about a parent who... well, let me just use their description:

Rebecca was 16 years old when her mother Elizabeth died of cancer. But before she died, she wrote letters to Rebecca, to be given to her on her birthday each year for thirteen years. At first the letters were comforting, but as time went on, they had much more complicated effects.

  http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/401/parent-trap

Best of luck with whatever path you choose.

I watched my father die when I was five

[Anonymous Coward]

I'm posting anonymously for my family’s privacy.
After his long battle with cancer I watched my father die when I was five.
It would have meant the world to me to have some messages from him, my memories from then pretty much pre-rational, and so are not well formed. (40 years ago)
I’d say give of yourself, tell her your favorite color/s, music, food, book/s, website, best pizza you ever had, who your best friends were and why ...etc. Tell her who you were/are and the things you do/did. Make a note of something you loved and something you regretted. You might even want some of your current friends to pitch in a bit.
She will develop her own methods, values and interests but you will (unfortunately) remain static, making a clear fully developed static picture will (likely) help her know where she came from.
Oh, and at least once tell her you love her.

You can beat cancer...

[AnonymousCoward1998]

Doctors told me when I developed Atrial Fibrillation at 34 years old that I would have to be on beta blockers/anti-arrhythmia meds, statins, and anticoagulants the rest of my life. I told them thanks for the diagnosis, I'll take care of the cure myself.... and I did. My point is, cures happen every day. They do not come from the medical cartel / hospital setting. How bad do you want to live? If you truly want to live, and will do absolutely anything to get your health back... walk away from your cancer doctors who have condemned you to die, and listen carefully to what I'm about to say. This post will be heavily criticized by paid shills, people who work for the medical industry, and general deniers that don't believe in natural healing. I won't bother reading their posts, because this is for YOU. 1. You didn't get sick overnight, and the cure will also not happen overnight. (3-6 months is typical to start feeling better, 18-24 months is typical to recover almost completely, but you'll need to be committed to the plan the rest of your life.) Pancreatic cancer usually takes 15-20 years of growth before people detect they have it. You are at the tail end, so you need to go into survival mode and do a complete about-face to have a chance at reviving your organs. 2. Stop poisoning your body. Both your mind, your soul, and your body need cleansing immediately. If it doesn't grow in dirt or swim in the sea, don't put it in your mouth. If it's not "living", or pure mineral water, do not consume it. You and your wife take turns Googling and researching the works of Max Gerson (Gerson Therapy), Dr Linus Pauling, Dr. Stanislaw (Stan) Burzynski. Read about Ozone therapy, Laetrile, IV-C (Intravenous Vitamin C), etc. If it's been label "quackery", GREAT it means you're on to something. Learn how to juice fresh organic vegetables... go easy on the fruit, they contain fructose which is sugar and sugar feeds cancer. 3. Never put a piece of refined/processed ANYTHING in your mouth at least for the next 24 months. You want to live? Don't do it. 4. Restore your colon health, read about the Gerson Therapy and if you have the means, perhaps visit the clinic to get properly educated. If not, learn to do the coffee enemas by following their protocol and work with a local Functional Medicine/Holistic medicine practitioner in your area to make sure you are detoxing properly, and getting enough of the restorative nutrients in diet or supplement form. When I got sick the medical cartel took me for over $30k and I was QUICKLY going downhill. I felt like my body had about 2 weeks worth of fight left. I took 3 months off from my career to get my health back and I found a local Functional Medicine physician to help me fill in the knowledge gaps. Total cost, $2500 after testing and supplements and I was quickly getting my health back. Start here and search in your area: https://www.functionalmedicine... . I spent 60 hours a week educating myself, and working on my health during those months. It was that important. 5. Your mind is crucial in winning this fight. Get at least 8 hours sleep every night, no matter what for the next several months. When you wake up, start your day by planting your feet outside (climate permitting) and getting some full morning sun for 15-20 minutes. Go barefoot in your house w/o socks if you can't go outside, and open up the blinds to let the sun inside. The sun's rays will help you get Vitamin D, and provide warmth and energy. Do some deep diaphragmatic breathing in the morning, and at least every 2 hours throughout the day.... google it if you've never done it. It will help your autonomic nervous system, and feed your cells the oxygen they desperately need. At the first sign of tension, find a quiet spot in your house or office to lay flat on the floor arms at your side for 5 minutes of proned out diaphragmatic breathing and deep relaxation. If you can't lay down, do it standing up with some long stretches... yoga poses can be cre

The one thing I've learned is that

[Anonymous Coward]

Everything you learn will somehow wonderfully coalesce and become useful - even the most trivial and seemingly insignificant things. Never stop learning.

You're a good Dad, dude.

Re:from a psychologist that has helped children gr

[Anonymous Coward]

Over the last few years, my wife and I have made a habit of telling our daughter (who's now seven) a bedtime story selected from some incident other from our own lives - often with some relevance to a situation that my daughter had just faced (i.e. a similar emotional dynamic). But if you were to simply video tape one of us telling a story it would almost certainly be very boring.

On the other hand, if the stories were told in the context of a family trip back to certain locations that were significant to us, and if the video clips were well edited to leave out the boring parts, then that might just be sufficiently interesting that it would get watched occasionally.

Depending on your financial situation, though, it may not be prudent to blow through your savings with a lot of traveling. But you could ask. You could think of a few of the places that were the most meaningful to you and then see if your wife and daughter were interested in a family trip to any of those places - and bring along a video camera and tell some stories if they happen to say yes. But the key goal would be to get some shots of you all having fun together and looking like you really liked each other.

And, along those lines, I'd be very careful with the general life advice. You wouldn't want to give the impression that you're making a last desperate attempt to fix the fundamental flaws in your daughter's character. That would undermine any claims you might make to be proud of and love your daughter.

Tell her about you

[Anonymous Coward]

Record as many stories, and thoughts that you have, as possible. Record yourself singing a Birthday wishes song, and another where she can listen to you sing a happy song when she is feeling really down. She would much rather learn more about her father when she is old enough to understand the deeper subjects you talk about. Your daughter may not be scientifically inclined, and why try to push her in a direction that may not be the best fit. She will be much happier having information about the person that was her father than how you felt about programming. Record something every day. Your thoughts on a random subject will matter way more to her, because it will help her become the person she is to be.

seek wisdom from other times

[cascadingstylesheet]

Encourage her to learn from books from other ages, not just our own. Even if they would be considered offensive today.

$whatever_year_it_happenes_to_be does not have a monopoly on wisdom.

Tell Her About Your Wife

[AlKaMo]

Alongside many of the excellent suggestions already made, I would say tell her some things about your wife, from your perspective. As a single parent, your wife will need to be the voice of authority in her life and there are almost certainly going to be conflicts in their future. Some insight about your wife from your point of view may help during the more difficult times, by humanizing her and reminding your daughter that even when it feels that they have nothing in common, they had a common thread in your love.

I'm going to differ.

[cptdondo]

I don't think you can give her any advice on her future life. Seriously, you have no clue what she might be going through when she's 16, and little you can say now will be relevant to her. You don't want to leave her with a legacy of useless advice.

Instead, do what my father in law did - he was in much the same position as you when his grandkids were being born. He knew he would not live to see them get out of diapers.

So he spent the last 2-3 years of his life documenting his life and family history, with photos and personal stories of failure, loss, success, joys, sorrows, and tributes.

Those 3 albums are an incredible insight into his life, and the life of his family that would otherwise be lost. It's a great document that will let your daughter get to know you when you're gone. It's an unbelievable gift he left us.

Re:My mother died of the same... here's what she d

[maharvey]

Parent posted much of what I was going to say, so +1 from me

Tell her all about yourself. I am blessed to still have my father and mother around, but I still don't know enough about their lives. Make a mini-autobiography for her. Be detailed or stick to the highlights, whatever your style is. As you get this all out, you will also reveal who you are, and she will read and re-read it in years to come.

I encourage you to be open and honest about your mistakes. A lot of people want to cover them up and forget, take them to their grave. I was in my mid 40s before I really understood the problems my parents had faced... and how these were the same problems I was facing, and how much my actions were learned/inherited unconsciously from my dad. Learning this has been incredibly valuable to me, perhaps my most important life lesson ever. So share not just the good parts about you... share your pain, your failures, your hard won lessons. Love her enough not to hide from her.

For sensitive things, put them in letters and entrust them to your wife, to reveal at an appropriate time.

But spend time with her, all the time you can. Not on outings and vacations, but quality time. Talk. Interact. Hug her often. Laugh together. Get sleeping bags and have a slumber party with her, stay up talking and tickling and whispering - that is so much fun for kids, and so memorable. If you get the opportunity, sleep outdoors and count shooting stars. Spending quality time with your daughter is also one of the finest gifts you can give your wife.

Here's a thought: if you are going to make a video, do at least some of it with her, interactively. Put the whole family in the video. She will certainly have questions, and that gives you a chance to answer them, and gives your wife an opportunity to add perspective.

If you can, take some real pictures on old fashioned paper. They last forever, and can be taken anywhere. Digital formats do become obsolete, and media can be damaged.

Give thought to eternity and your soul, and consider that it may not only benefit you but be a comfort to your family.

Re:My mother died of the same... here's what she d

[evendiagram]

One addition/suggestion:

Pull out an old album and give her some nearly forgotten memories that aren't told in your photos. What your father told you on your wedding day, your graduation, the birth of your first child. Common stuff that she otherwise won't know. The story behind that silly hat that ended up in all of your wedding photos. Relay some personal memories about the people around you on the important days who you've long since lost track of.

Write it down

[Anonymous Coward]

Videos are awesome but put something in your own hand for her to open on special occasions.

For your videos of birthday, gradutation, wedding, consider getting gifts that she can open that you already have in the video.

Also - write a letter to your wife for her to open after youre gone.

Whatever has helped

[redwraith94]

Think back on anything that took you awhile to learn, or that cost you dearly to do so. Managing money, credit, relationships, how to study, when to take a break.

Make sure she knows that pushing is as important as rest. To pursue whatever she loves with abandon, and to keep experimenting until she finds it.

You will save her a boat load of time. Also healthy ways to manage stress, there are alot of assholes around, and the more effectively you can deal with them the better.

Also a good definition of love wouldn't hurt, our society seems to mix family, romantic, friendship, and lust all under the same word. I personally like Ayn Rand's definition the best.

From the author:
There are two aspects of man’s existence which are the special province and expression of his sense of life: love and art.

I am referring here to romantic love, in the serious meaning of that term—as distinguished from the superficial infatuations of those whose sense of life is devoid of any consistent values, i.e., of any lasting emotions other than fear. Love is a response to values. It is with a person’s sense of life that one falls in love—with that essential sum, that fundamental stand or way of facing existence, which is the essence of a personality. One falls in love with the embodiment of the values that formed a person’s character, which are reflected in his widest goals or smallest gestures, which create the style of his soul—the individual style of a unique, unrepeatable, irreplaceable consciousness. It is one’s own sense of life that acts as the selector, and responds to what it recognizes as one’s own basic values in the person of another. It is not a matter of professed convictions (though these are not irrelevant); it is a matter of much more profound, conscious and subconscious harmony.

Many errors and tragic disillusionments are possible in this process of emotional recognition, since a sense of life, by itself, is not a reliable cognitive guide. And if there are degrees of evil, then one of the most evil consequences of mysticism—in terms of human suffering—is the belief that love is a matter of “the heart,” not the mind, that love is an emotion independent of reason, that love is blind and impervious to the power of philosophy. Love is the expression of philosophy—of a subconscious philosophical sum—and, perhaps, no other aspect of human existence needs the conscious power of philosophy quite so desperately. When that power is called upon to verify and support an emotional appraisal, when love is a conscious integration of reason and emotion, of mind and values, then—and only then—it is the greatest reward of man’s life.

to be continued

[Anonymous Coward]

As other readers posted I would have to agree that you consider writing letters as well. Some even suggest emails. It may be possible to setup some email in advance to be sent to your daughter at specified time in the future. You can delegate your wife to oversee that this emails get to her at specific milestones in your daughters life. On the video part, taking from other readers, make videos of you and your daughter right now. Go on vacation to Disneyland or her favorite place. I believe this would be the most memorable gift you can leave her. That in the limited time you have you were spending every minute of it with her. Bonding and spending quality time. I hope you do recover and you can tell her all that you want her to know in real time and not prematurely.

Sincerely.

Bullies come in all sizes

[Elfich47]

Bullies are the flip side to good values. They come at you all sizes shapes and methods. All they want to do is challenge your values and tear you down to their level. You can't do this you're a girl. You can't do that you're a wimp. You cant do this because I can pick on you. I'm going to pick on you just for spite. I am going to stand between you and your goals just to make you miserable.

Your daughter will have to learn to stand up for herself more than she expected to at her age. Bullies like to prey on the apparently weak and defenseless - children losing a parent fit right into that category.

She has to know that being willing to speak up for herself, and being willing to ask for help when things are beyond her control are good skills to develop and use. Bullies can only be dealt with by standing up to them and forcing them to back down. Any type of appeasement action against a bully only encourages them.

Be careful of approved authority figures as well. They can act as bullies as well, just with tacit approval that people find difficult to challenge because they are the approved authority.

Cure the cancer.

[Anonymous Coward]

Buddy Rose.
Cured his pancreatic cancer.
One of many.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5KyXvUxjpU

Re:from a psychologist that has helped children gr

[Anonymous Coward]

Post in the thread while logged in and all your mods in this thread will be undone, including this one.

In regard to love

[millertym]

My bit of advice is to tell her that when it comes to love and long term partners: When considering marrying someone (or some other form of potentially life long commitment), take a serious moment to consider the possibility of past loves unexpectedly entering your life in the future. Can you answer that if that past love showed up and begged you to return to them, would you consider it seriously? If the answer is yes, don't get married. The current prospect is not a life long match for yourself.

Encourage her to live

[Anonymous Coward]

Encourage her to make as many mistakes; go on as many adventures, and take as many huge risks as possible as young as possible.
Life experience DOing and coloring outside the lines is MUCH more valuable than academic knowledge.

The laboratory of life is where you learn who you are and what you're good at. Living, learning and working inside a cube your whole life is sterile and unfullfilling.

Advice from a burnt-out software engineer

[Anonymous Coward]

First, I'm very sorry about your condition. Very sad.

Second, the lessons I learned which would be most valuable to someone who hasn't yet decided on a career are 1. do what you like, and 2. do what you can make a full career out of, not just what has the highest pay.

I worked for half a career at a big computer company. I quit in frustration, but since then most of the people I had worked with got laid off. It seems like 40 is the age in the computer world where they put you out to pasture. I love computer work, but now I am nowhere near fully using my abilities, computer science degree, and years of experience. If I could do it over again, I would probably go into something in the health field. I think that would be a longer lasting career, and although medicine is also being globalized, it is not as easy to offshore seeing patients as it is to offshore working on computers.

Third, best of luck. Avoid pain.

Don't forget your wife.

[Anonymous Coward]

I read a lot of the comments and many are good, some not so much, but I don't remember seeing anything about your wife. She will need a lot of help and support. Make sure you include her on what you decide to do, perhaps tell your daughter that your wife will be there for her even if you can't be. If it were me I would encourage her to remarry if she wanted to, when the time is right.

Also, many posted about how foolish religion is, but it's foolish to not consider where the universe came from and where it is going, and what that means to you. Many think that religion was invented to answer such questions, but the best that non-religious folk have been able to come up with is that the universe came from nowhere/randomness, which requires just as much faith. If you want a very geeky book about religion and the universe then I suggest the Creator and the Cosmos by Hugh Ross. It attempts to match up science with the Bible as a proof that the Bible is true, as we would expect if there is a God and he is the author of both. The point is that now is the time to really be sure about what you believe and why, especially when this tragic event will challenge the beliefs if everyone around you.

To you my friend, I'll pray for you, that you will have courage and strength, that your family will encouraged and blessed, that everyone will experience peace.

AlaskaDude.

as others said

[map200uk]

perhaps look at recording videos for key life moments like graduating HS/ graduating university / getting her first proper job / getting married - all important aspects of all our lives and ones which I am sure she'll especially wish you were there with her to celebrate in the joy besides that perhaps just one detailing the condition you have and how you don't want her to dwell on your untimely death and let it eat her up or hold her back (easily done and lots do!)how you're proud of her, and wish you were there but just sadly wasn;'t possible

Consider...

[Anonymous Coward]

Not leaving these videos. Make family videos by the boatload; but letters from the dead are not as effective as they seem. They pull the survivor back to a relationship that no longer exists in it's current state. What if she goes a different way from your recommendations. Now you are providing guilt. If you make a direct video, I suggest you just encourage her no matter what path she chooses. Tell her a funny or meaningful story; don't provide the conclusions for her.

I lost my wife in October and have two younger sons. As much as it pains me that she is gone, I am thankful those videos don't exist in the form you are considering.

Your daughter will always remember you, and you will be important to her forever. You have been writing letters on her heart every day you've cared for her. Let those memories speak for you; and let your wife speak for you.

God bless.

Record your stories

[Anonymous Coward]

Share your life stories. I would record all kinds of stories. Stories that illustrate how you think, what makes you who you are, fun times, special time, pivotal moments, etc. Share stories about things you did with her when she was younger and more recently, and what they meant to you. Good luck brother.

Get to know Advaita Vedanta

[emx]

You are not your body. Who you are was never born, and will never die. Realise that and you will see you question through a whole different angle. You can start with "I am That" by Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj.

There may be another way to look at this

[Anonymous Coward]

If the original poster ever gets this far down the list to look at this post, there may be another way to look at this. Most all the posts above are very sensible and offer wonderful suggestions. Following any number of them would leave many memories of love for the daughter. However, at the risk of being "shot at" here, I would like to offer a different / nontraditional approach that does not join in with the concept of dying. One could consider it a way of "hedging your bets". This is offered in the spirit of kindness and it not meant as a way to bludgeon anyone or offend one's sensibilities. It is certainly not meant as a way of minimizing a very painful and scary experience. It is also not meant to negate the wonderful ideas presented above. This approach requires an open mind to a different kind of spirituality. The possibility I describe here is not addressed in any religion I have read about. One could consider it "an experient for engineers". This information is based on something that my spiritual teacher has provided me. He urges his students to give up on the idea of dying (yes, really). I certainly plan to use this approach if I pass on. Recent events in my own life suggest that might be possible. There are several descriptions of near death experiences I have read where the person involved comes back after dying from some major illness and is fully healed. A good one has been described by Thomas Mellon Benedict (http://www.near-death.com/experiences/reincarnation04.html). Many NDEs describe a process where right after someone dies, they pass through a tunnel of light and go to the "other side". Thomas, just after transition, , discovered that the experience of the other side could be "stopped' as it were with a simple statements like "stop", and "I want to see the truth of what's really going on." Instead of the passage thru a tunnel that others described, he went on a tour of the universe and ultimately came back to this side, fully healed, and able to tell his story. I suspect that this experience is available to anyone that wants/request it. It's just that pretty much everyone does not believe it is possible and never comes back. A quick summary of a process based on Thomas' experience: - Make arrangements that the body be left alone for a couple days after death appears. Don't call the undertakers right away. Provide a way that it can be monitored for movement. If the opportunity to return is provided, it will probably happen in that time frame. - Once transition is experienced, ask whatever process is going on to stop, ask to talk with your spiritual Guide, and ask to see the real truth of everything, including yourself. At this point, don't assume you know anything - have no preconceived ideas. Ask to be taught about something called "Awakening". Also ask to completely remember everything about the experience. It would help to prepare by learning to meditate and quieting your mind if you don't already do this. - It's quite possible that the opportunity to be "reconstituted" will be provided and you could come back fully healed. If that happens, I encourage you to tell people about the experience. - Your life will never be the same again. Some resources that may prove helpful: - Book: Life and Teachings of the Masters of the Far East (6 volumes), Devoors & Co; available on Amazon - A Course in Miracles (http://www.miraclescenter.us/jcim.htm) (Helpful definition: "Holy Spirit" is actually a synonym for "Your [own] Right Mind), which may not be made clear in the book.) - Northwest Foundation for a Course in Miracles (www.nwffacim.org) This information may not be for everyone. If you do not find it helpful or think I am totally bonkers out of my mind, please feel free to ignore it. I personally have been studying this material and similar for many years and have found it so helpful, I wish to heaven I had bumped into it when I was 12. Best of luck to you, and to all that post here. Thanks for all the comments that have been made in response to the original post.

Write a little biography

[jdoire]

My father once wrote a 2 pages biography of him, I thought it was very interesting and allowed me know him better.

Write about when she was born and other significant events involving her.

Just make it short and quick, your time is better spent with your family.

Values to pass on.

[hackus]

Death.

We are born helpless, we require lots of attention.

When we die, the same happens.

Gradually you will become a child again. You will become bed ridden, infirm and for a brief while rely on others in the same way you did as a child.

Each path we take when we come and go, the stuff that makes it all worthwhile is at the end and beginning.

It makes the stuff in between bearable.

For when she's done something bad

[Anonymous Coward]

I'm sorry you are in this situation and I applaud you for thinking of what you can do to help your daughter.

Part of growing up is doing something bad, not because you are a bad person but because you didn't think. One of the most important things a child can hear in that situation is that someone has faith in them. Reassure her that she is good even if she did something bad. Kids are rarely given that message, even though it gives them a reason to be good in the future. Leave her a simple message telling her that. That even if she has made a mistake, she is still a good person.

You might consider a message about death

[Anonymous Coward]

I'm not referring to your own death, but a message about death in general and how we deal with it.

One of the hardest things we ever experience in our lives is the first death of a loved one that occurs after we've reached emotional maturity. It's possible, perhaps likely, that your daughter may be too young to feel the full experience of grief when you die. She will of course be very sad. Perhaps angry as well. But we all know that grief is much, much more than just 'sad' or 'angry.'

Leaving your daughter a message about death and how we, as people, deal with it could help her later in her life when she goes through one of the hardest times she will ever experience. The circumstances under which you would be recording the message could make it that much more helpful and meaningful to her.

The thoughts you would put into such a message will certainly depend on your own values and perhaps those of your wife as well. Below are some things I would consider if I were creating the message.

Death isn't evil or bad. The circumstances that bring us to death can be. Death itself is just an end. Ends help us realize and cherish the value and meaning of what comes before.

When someone you're close to dies, you might feel a hurt or pain unlike anything else you experience in life. It might feel completely overbearing or so foreign that you wonder if something's "wrong" with you. There isn't. You're not overly sensitive. What you're feeling is part of what makes us human.

There’s no way you’re supposed to feel when someone dies. The ways you may feel at any time are not “right” or “wrong.”

When someone close to you dies, you can flip in a matter of seconds from soul-crushing pain to laughing at a trivial detail from the past. Don't worry about it. There's nothing wrong with that. Part of healing is simply letting your emotions take you wherever they do.

The death of a loved one is a scar on your emotions. Over time you will come to accept it and live with it. Possibly to the point that it’s barely perceptible. But that scar will never completely go away. And just like a scar on your skin, that scar on your emotions can even be a gateway to fond memories from the past.

being there for your daughter

[Anonymous Coward]

I'm sorry you can't be there for your daughter, but if you need someone to be there over the years, I'm glad to be of help. I have three kids of my own. My daughter is the same age. I own a software company and I'm still an avid programmer for life. If you would ever want your daughter to have any additional support, my wife and I would be glad to reach out from time to time throughout the years. I know it's going to be difficult, but I hope someone would be there for my daughter if I were diagnosed with cancer. Please e-mail me at michael.j.chen@gmail.com and we can touch base from there.

Tell her

[Anonymous Coward]

Tell her that people don't care how much you know until they know that you care.

Tell her to be strong and proud of her gifts and interests and embrace herself.

As a generality

[atari2600a]

1). Question EVERYTHING 2). Question authority 3). Elaborate on how to do #2 responsibly but also stress its importance for the rights of humanity 4). Tell her to push for self-betterment & happiness, through whatever path she may choose 5). If she succeeds, tell her she's responsible for at least trying to help better humanity, another species, or life in general

Tell ger about yourself

[Anonymous Coward]

As some one who lost a parent at a young age (before my 7th birthday) your idea sounds awsome, and something I wish I'd had.
The thing I would wish for the most would be a video of my father just telling me about himself.
My suggestion is to do just that. Be 100% open, leave nothing out however small it might seem to you and just tell her the story of your life. Tell her about friends, school, adventures, hobbies, what food you like or dont like, what you're good at AND bad at, about work and if your boss is an idiot. If your own parents and grandparents are not alive (or maybe even if they are) tell her about them from your perspective. If you are religious, or if you are not, tell her about it, and why. Just talk about everything you vÃn for hours. Basically have every conversation you think you would have for the next 50 years, and some you dont think you would have :)

My biggest issue with losing my father early is nerver getting to know him as a person, not that Im missing some sort of authority about how Im supposed to live my life.

Wisdom?!?

[Anonymous Coward]

Seriously, what "wisdom" do you realistically think you have that should be passed on? That she cannot reach by herself? That you don't even know you have? That you should ask a site mostly frequented by losers? Give her just one piece of advice and that is: don't be a geek. Nobody likes socially inept obsessed dorks. They might be comedic material for TV shows in watered down versions but nobody likes a geek in real life. Save her a world of pain and spend what time you have left to help her fit in. The world is bigger than any single person and she's not going to change the world. Learn to live in it. Teach her before it's too late.

Give her confidence + Ask for teamwork

[Barryke]

Give her confidence.
Instead of telling her who she should be -or how she should think- mention the qualities that you see in her, and inspire her to build on those. Do not tell her what to build though, one can not foresee outcomes.
Give her confidence. Record your support and believe in her.

+

Ask for teamwork.
Another thing that comes to mind - is that in case your wife and/or daughter have arguments you won't be there to calm the situation or negotiate. I'm sure they'll experience a lot of stress when you're not around, but they could use your comfort. Intentions matter. Instill both parties with the motivation and will to corporate, no matter how tough the times may be.

Make it about yourself (another reason)

[zedaroca]

My mother got separated from her father when she was very young. Right now (she's almost 50) she is trying hard to find out who he was, what he was like, what kind of things he used to do, what kind of work he did and how he acted in certain moments of his life. Things like finding out her grandfather was a communist atheist meant a lot to her a few weeks ago, even though he didn't give her any advice.

I believe the best you can do for her (on the videos) is to show her who you are, tell her your experiences and your values. She will make it from there.

Good luck for you and your family and make the most of this time with them.

Girls and intelligence vs beauty

[Anonymous Coward]

As a father of a 9-years old girl I am moved by your situation but I wanted to share with you a soundbite I heard on Adam Carolla's Podcast just this morning's (26th Feb 2015 with Sam Jones and Matt Atchity, around the hour mark).
Adam described a conversation he had the previous day with his 8-years old daughter who was requesting ears piercing; he took the opportunity to tell her that while beauty and the physical appearance are a huge part of girls' lives, she should be confident of her intelligence, energy and abilities... I am doing it justice but it was a message that made me realize that our girls need to hear (from their dads as well as their moms) that their intelligence is a more important asset than their physical appearance.

Just my 2 cents and my best wishes for the coming months.

Pancreatic cancer killed my father. He...

[ptudor]

I was a year old when my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. At the time he worked at a hospital where they later named an auditorium in his honor; at his first diagnosis they gave him two to four weeks to live. After six months he removed his oxygen mask to die.

So here's my first suggestion: Don't record hours and hours and hours and hours of video. It'll be like the wedding movie no one watches, or the thousands of baby pictures no one looks at. Pick your favorite photos, have them printed into a hardcover book with iPhoto, and write down who is in them, what the event was, and why it's important to you.

My dad recorded about a twenty or thirty minute message to me on reel-to-reel tape. I sent it to a professional sound engineer to have it digitized a few years ago. I've probably listened to it three times in thirty-five years. I didn't understand it as a kid but it was amazing to hear his voice.

Every night until I was three years old I slept with a picture of my dad. At some point we accept and progress.

So, here I am as an adult and I have basically a couple items that were my father's: 1) The patch from his Air Force uniform with my surname. 2) In my bedroom, an 8x10 family picture with the three of us. 3) A shoebox with all the letters his mother sent him from the farm in the 1960s and 1970s. 4) That half-hour of him talking into a microphone, imagining his one-year-old as an adult and telling me to "find a beautiful girl and marry her."

No one cares about your material possessions when you're dead. Don't worry about sorting all your old possessions. Fill a small box with the most important items for your family and write down why they're important. And be realistic. I care immensely about the collar my dog had when she was a puppy; to anyone else it's a frayed blue ribbon for the trash can. My maternal uncles have spent a decade looking for my grandfather's original pilot's license from the 1930s with little concern for anything else he possessed; it's the records of achievements and milestones we cherish. I hope my college degree doesn't get tossed in the trash but expect every single one of my books will be quickly donated and destroyed, no matter how important that Oxford Dictionary or human anatomy textbook is to me.

So, all that aside: Your child has the advantage of knowing you today. So look back at your own life and the major events you cherish, and tell her about those. "The day I met your mother... so when you meet someone..." or "The day you were born was so important to me because... so when you have children..." Don't tell her about dating boys or finding a good job or reading books or traveling. Everyone figures that out on their own. Tell her about how important family is to you, and your connection to her future and her family as she experiences the wonder of life. Don't talk to her like a sixth-grader, you do that everyday already. Talk to her like she's 25 or 30 or your age. She'll understand your words when she needs to look back and understand.

Something positive can happen from the misfortune that has come upon your family. I understand life is precious because my father died when he was forty-two. So I've lived my life as if that's my expiration date: I've lived in New York City and Los Angeles. I've travelled to five continents. I've learned to sail. I've studied flight. I ride horses. I have a dog. I've spent well over a decade living at the beach because that's what I want. Every day is a gift and I live it like it's vacation. So many people have these simple plans: "When I retire, I'm going to the Grand Canyon and on a cruise around the Mediterranean." I learned from the death of my father to, well, it's a cliche, but seize the day. Do everything you want to do without fear because you might not ever get a chance. So consider your daughter might live a life greater than either one of you imagined only last year. Yes, it hurts you'll be apart. But I'd probably still be among cornfields without my tragedy propelling me forward.

A

Flirting

[Walking The Walk]

I really wish my dad had talked to me about girls. Not the birds and the bees bit, but about how girls and boys are both the same: afraid to get their feelings hurt, unsure how relationships should progress, often hurtful to others by accident. He could have explained that the easiest way to let someone know you like them is to smile and say "Hi" every time you see them. To not be afraid of physical contact like dancing or holding hands. That even if you say or do the wrong thing, make an embarrassing mistake, if the other person likes you they'll still like you afterwards. That a good first date involves just spending time together talking and getting to know one another (and that I should therefore avoid movies for a first date!) It took me years to figure that stuff out, and looking back I can see a dozen points in my life where a simple explanation from my dad could have opened my eyes and saved me grief. Thankfully my wife recognized that I was clueless the moment we met, and simply told me how she felt.

Things to tell her

[Anonymous Coward]

Forgiveness not permission

History is made by those who show up

This is not a rehearsal

This things that will ultimately shape your life aren't the ones you expect and stress about.

Anything won't be important looking back in 3 years probably isn't really that important now, however much you are worried about it.

A hip is safe in the harbour but that's not what ships are for,

Find something you like to do that you're good at and which adds value to someone else's life. Do it. Most other things will follow.

Make sure someone else can choose what to show

[ESarge]

Firstly, I'm sorry for your illness and your daughter's impending loss. It must be rough.

Whatever you do, I would ensure that your daughter's mother (or significant person) has the ability and the right to view what you've recorded or written and decide whether to show it to your daughter at a particular time.

The issue is that you can't make the judgement in the present as to what effect your words will have on your daughter in the future - and that effect may be unintentionally negative.

There was a This American Life episode where a parent did this: recorded messages for every birthday and significant event. The rule was that they were just for the child and weren't pre-viewed by anybody else. Over the years, the messages started to be viewed with a bit of dread. They talked about the parent's expectations for a particular future direct - which were not met by the child who, unsurprisingly, was finding their own path in life.

There's a lot of interesting and useful advice in this thread. Frankly, if it were me (may it never be me!) I would probably try and give her as good an experience *right now* as I could. Build those memories and leave lots of photos, videos, writing, etc.

Hell, that's probably good advice even when you're not dieing.

Re:from a psychologist that has helped children gr

[Anonymous Coward]

I can't agree with this more! My father passed when I was in my early 20's, right about the time of the transition of realizing that your parents are/have been generally right about all the advice they've given over the years that you thought you knew more about. Tell her stories of your good times and bad times, when you made friends and lost friends, and how you celebrated your victories vs how you coped with your defeats. Also, if you have a phrase that you use pretty often when talking to her, record it. On the few occasions that I was able to go to my father for advice because I thought the world was crashing in on me, he always started his side of the story or conversation with "I wouldn't worry about that" or "I wouldn't worry too much about that." It infuriated me at the time, but I was young and lacking enough perspective; looking back I would kill to hear him say that again when I need advice.

Good luck to OP and OP's family.

Tell Her Your Own Story

[Anonymous Coward]

There is a lot of advice on life readily available out there from lots of people. Whatever else you do, be sure to tell her your own story so she has a good sense of who and what her father was. No one else can give her that.

How's your day convo

[Anonymous Coward]

I think it would be neat/ useful to have a video with a "How was your day?" kind of conversation. Something like:
YOU: How was your day Honey?
(track change)
YOU: That's great! I'm so proud of you!
-OR-
YOU: That's terrible! Keep your head up and keep being yourself.

I'm not the best script writer, obviously, but if you did a couple of them like a video choose your own adventure, she could talk to her daddy whenever she needed to.

Start with these

[zildgulf]

Tell her that she is loved, share your life stories, and share with her what made you happy and joyful.

Above all, this is the most important thing to tell her, tell her she is loved and is worthy of being loved.

The rest she must figure out herself.

Re:Start with these

[chipschap]

To the OP: I don't have advice on what to put in your videos, but I can only say that when my time comes, I hope to have a fraction of the courage, grace, strength, and selflessness that you do.

Your greatest legacy will be in the memory of the person that you are. Just by making your posting here, you've changed people for the better. I know you have changed me and I thank you for it. Perhaps the words are trite, but you're what I think of when I think of "hero" or "real man."

You're leaving an indelible gift behind, the gift of having helped others.

The simple stuff

[SeanAD]

Doubt you'll be reading this after so many great comments, but if it hasn't been said already, making videos of just ordinary topics would be wonderful. Imagine in years and years from now your daughter watching you talk about the things that bugged you that day or the things that made your day or anything in general that come to mind. It's those little things that are the glue of the great things and make such a difference. All the best to you and your family. You are doing a wonderful thing.

get frozen, tell her when you wake up.

[Anonymous Coward]

Cryonics is totally a geeky thing to do

Autobiography

[wirelessjb]

Share your story with her, and moments from your life. Even the banal. Wisdom is learning from the mistakes of others, so give her the gift of your mistakes. But also share the successes in your life, as that will help her build her identity, since we see ourselves in the images of the people around us. May the rest of your life be more joy than pain.

Self assured

[Anonymous Coward]

The realisation that she doesn't need any ones approval, but her own.
She is the authority, everything she needs she already has.

damn you seem like an awesome parent

[Anonymous Coward]

i agree with the posters above re: sharing your memories of her early years. when i lost my mom, that's been the biggest delayed discovery--that that info is lost. not that i'm a total narcissist but i'd like to hear her perspective on young parenting as well...

Arrow also lost her dad

[WiltedPhoenix]

I might recommend a copy of Carl Sagan's Sci-Fi book Contact; a small reminder that, no matter what, you'll be there for her in spirit.

Get the end right

[IsoQuantic]

Tell her about the Good News:

Romans 3:23
for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,

Romans 6:23
For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

Romans 8:1
There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.

Romans 10:9
that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.

Romans 10:13
For "whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved."

Your Life

[Anonymous Coward]

I lost my mother when I was 9 years old, and the one thing I most regret not having, more than 50 years later, was her account of her life. I did hear stories about her from my father and her sisters, but I really would have liked to hear her own story about her childhood, her meeting my father, the various things she did and how she developed the attitudes that she had.

Get Meta

[Anonymous Coward]

Save this webpage for her, or selections if you prefer. I'm sure it will have pieces of great advice and support, a few trolls to demonstrate that side of humanity, but most significantly it will show her how important this is to you reached out for help with this.

I agree with the comments to make some of them funny; maybe make some "to be watched on April 1st only". A series, a running joke updated once a year would be awesome.

I also agree with the comments to tell her about yourself also, so that when she's an adult she can know you as an adult. Tell her and show her about the things that are important to you in your life. And on that note: make some videos together with her as well.

Best wishes to both of you.

Nothing

[Anonymous Coward]

Don't tell her anything. Just read this and do it:
Cancer can be caused by a lot of factors, but it is fueled by one thing: sugar. Cancer cells feed by anaerobic glycolysis -- a process whereby glucose is used as a fuel by cancer cells with lactic acid as an anaerobic byproduct.
Eliminate sugar from your diet (any kind of sugar) and you take away their food.
There are clinics in Germany that do this.
The only thing that modern medicine can do for you is to extract tumors by operating on the ill organ. No chemotherapy after, just a 0% sugar diet.
Here are some links. Stay healthy!
http://www.mercola.com/article/sugar/sugar_cancer.htm
http://www.cancertutor.com/breuss/
http://gerson.org/gerpress/dr-max-gerson/

Advice

[Anonymous Coward]

Live the life you love
Love the life you live
And don't take it all too seriously

And save at least 10% of your gross income

Be honest to yourself and to others

Exercise and don't over or under indulge

For more advice check out the lurics to "Flowerparts" by Bob Schneider

May you go in peace

On the Scientific and Spiritual Habits of Mind

[rfoshay]

Lots of great suggestions in this thread. Thank you for posting the inquiry. The one thing I haven't seen addressed (except indirectly) is how to strike an appropriate balance between the rationality and open inquiry of science, and spirituality. I firmly believe this is not an either/or tradeoff. You might consider referring her to Feynman, or Sagan, or a book I used long ago in college called "The Way of the Scientist" (don't know the author/editor) that has interviews with well known scientists. In our anti-scientific time, the commitment to evidence-based inquiry as the way of finding truth about the physical universe needs to be encouraged. I was lucky enough to have a father who lived into his mid-80's. To the end, there was nothing that delighted him more than finding a new way of thinking about how the world (and people!) worked -- as long as the new framework did a better, more complete job of explanation and prediction than what his previous understanding, no matter how firmly held it was. But we still need spirituality to assign meaning to what we figure out, and I readily admit that there are important dimensions of life that we do not (yet?) know how to address with scientific habits of mind.

Re:Gerson

[Anonymous Coward]

Do you know who is full of shit? The person who believes that the only solution to disease is the easy one - take a pill and sit on their ass waiting to be cured while slurping on a milkshake and gulping down a burger.
The secret of todays world of computers and phones and sites and blogs and a million books with the same title is to pick the right information from the big pile of crap.
What goes in comes out. Food goes in, and it is the cause and the answer to 90% of what is happening to us. From depression and ADHD to diarheea and cancer.
All the rest is... shit.

Final thoughts

[Anonymous Coward]

Make sure you and your wife have discussed how to approach the future... regarding your passing. Your wife may remarry or may not. I think a good way to approach this is not to do videos. Pictures of loved ones who passed on are tough, the videos I have are impossible to watch. Sets me back for hours, but maybe that is just me.

Unfortunately, in my experience, the trauma of your loss will override any advice for several years.

The fact that you care enough to think these things out is a statement on your character. I have known people in your position who could not think past their own situation, and left emotionally damaged kids behind.

To love, to laugh, to leave a legacy

[m1chae1cha$e]

What a poignant topic ... what should I share with my daughter about life as I am leaving? I like the idea of the videos. Reminisce, share hopes, lessons learned, love. I appreciated the movie "P.S. I Love You" http://www.imdb.com/title/tt04... Live well, love well, and laugh a lot ... whether the life is long or short, may it be full and joyous! Be encouraged, Friend, and live well!

Videos of you with your daughter, Desiderata

[Anonymous Coward]

First, my heart goes out to you. One of my cousins was in the same situation as you. One of the things he did with his family is go to Disneyland and some National Parks and they took videos of him with this two kids (boy and girl). I think your daughter will cherish videos of you having fun with her and enjoying nature, and being silly.

My favorite poem is a list of things desirable in life: Desiderata, by Max Ehrmann.

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Handle the legal details and leave family stories

[oldestgeek]

There are a lot of details you should handle, legal and otherwise.

Look at * diesmart.com * It provides the most information and the best roadmap. Created by a friend and a wonderful lady who went through it all with her mother. You can die knowing you didn't leave anything unresolved.

My mother had a "burial" policy and specified that she be cremated and the remainder used for a family celebration. My sister did the same. Throw your own farewell party!

My sister died rather unexpectedly last year. She was the oldest in the family, six years my senior and had many family stories that are now lost. The one thing I had planned to last summer was to visit her and record those stories. Now they are lost and I am the one with the most family stories.

In any case, video is now easy to do and I urge you to record your family stories and your memories. If you have the writing discipline, do a journal. If you have siblings or other relatives,you might ask for their help. I think that if you do that, you will say everything you need to say. I'd let your family see them before you go.

A little genealogy might fill in some blanks. There are 14 family history libraries around the country usually next to an LDS temple.

"If lie has meaning, then death has meaning as death ends life!" - Viktor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

The greatest gift a parent can give to a child

[Anonymous Coward]

Some years ago I had an extremely serious, sudden illness. Serious enough that I came close to dying, and whether I would survive was in question for a period of time. In a moment when I had little physical strength, and little time before an operation to save my life, I tried to think of those things that I would want to say to my wife and my daughter. I'm going to mention several of those thoughts in response to your request. But above all, the one thing that stood out, that I felt had to say, and the only thing that I had both the strength and time to say in those moments before being taken in for the operation, is the final thing that you will read below.
To live a life she can be proud of.
To forgive herself when she falls short of that because we all do.
To be kind. Kindness is not a weakness, it requires strength, the strength of self restraint.
To stand up for herself and what she believes in, while being aware of her context, and the likely impact upon and response by others.
To seek the fulfillment that comes from connection to friends and family.
To maintain that connection to people who are living a life that she can be proud of, and to shun connection with those who are not.
To give herself 100% to what she is doing.
To seek out guidance when she is unable to master a situation to her satisfaction.
To asses whether those who offer guidance have her best interest at heart, or some other agenda.
And these two final things:
When I was a child of about 7, I asked my mother what happens when you die. My mother replied, “That's not really the question. The question is, ‘How did you treat people while you were alive?’, because you will live on in how people remember you.
And finally above all, communicate to her the joy, the absolute joy and delight that you have taken every day, every moment, in her just being here, in her existence. I believe this is the greatest gift a parent can give to a child.

Re:from a psychologist that has helped children gr

[ripvlan]

yes and....

Update family photos. Label who her (great--xxx) grandparents are. Take out that felt marker and write on the back of old photos. If you have siblings or cousins - they can help when she gets older. How many times have you been at a family event and somebody asks "who is that?" in some old photo. This allows for some history.

Also - I'd make it known to both my wife and children that it is okay to move on. That there may be somebody else in the future - and that is okay. That person will help guide in his own way - taking over where I left off. Not a replacement - but don't ignore that person simply because he isn't me (you).

Show her(by recording) the moments you treasure...

[Anonymous Coward]

You said:

"In the videos I will make clear how much I treasure the time we've spent together and the wonderful qualities I see in her. "

Take another video of you having those moments you treasure WITH HER, doing the best thing she loves & laughs about.

When you mention it, tell her "...like I am going to do with you now...", then go immediately to have the moment with her.

She will remember both the emotion and the moment as clear as crystal. That, to me, would invaluable.

Terminally Ill message to daughter

[Anonymous Coward]

Dear Terminally Ill,
Please share with your daughter your thoughts on what makes a good spouse and partner. Your thoughts on what makes a good man. How a man should treat a woman. What is fair to fight about, what should be let go. I have found that over time and with age, these are the questions I would like most to ask my parents. I wish you well, perhaps you might look into alternative therapies? Such as Chinese herbal and holistic therapies? I send you blessings.

Tell your daughter...

[messymerry]

...The Singularity is Near. As for you my friend, death is the completion of the natural circle of life. I wish you godspeed. I will be following shortly.

act out of love and you won't go wrong

[Anonymous Coward]

My dad and I joke that the only thing a father needs to teach is how to learn from the mistakes of others
we joke but it has truth
what ever you do as long as you have her best interests at heart will be the right thing to do

Inevitability

[Doctrinsograce]

Teach her that until we individually deal with death we cannot adequately deal with life.

Everything has a cost

[BranMan]

First off, bummer dude. Good luck with the time you have left.

The only big lesson I ever instilled in my daughter, and I think it stuck, is that everything in life that you want has a cost. It may not be money - in lots of cases it isn't (my daughter's Field Hockey championships and ROTC scholarship for instance) - but there is a cost to everything. Figure out what the cost is, and if you want whatever it is enough to pay that cost - do that, and life is simple.

The other I got from someone else - at some point EVERYONE becomes an orphan. When you can understand and accept that, you at least know you are not alone in your loss - sooner or later everyone has it.

Good luck - god bless

What is the best solution to world poverty?

[stanwo]

Or just America's poverty.

Different suggestion - share your memories instead

[wad4ever]

Oh sheesh, I didn't expect to come across a Slashdot post that would make me cry. This is embarrassing, I'm at my desk at work!

As a father of six children (ages 4 through 19), I recommend not focusing on your daughters career. If she chooses something different, how will your video messages come across?

If I were in your shoes, recording videos for her life events, I would share similar experiences from my own life, share memories, and try to give advice on making choices that will lead to the best outcomes. For example, when she turns sixteen, I would share a bunch of snippets from my own life as a sixteen-year-old, what it was like, what things I did that were good, and what were mistakes.

Wishing you all the best. Hard to see my stupid screen now. Sheesh.

Share some of who YOU are

[Vastad]

All the advice here is wonderful and I'm sure you've got lots to think about. Some of the "only the core values!" advice is great but don't follow to closely.

Don't forget to share who you are as a father, a friend and another flawed, imperfect wonderful human being.

Talk about the first time you saw your wife. How you figured out she was the one. Talk about the most embarassing thing you ever did or experienced. The best thing. Even the times you were a pretty shitty human being. Why you loved your hobbies. How being a teenager sucks goat nuts for everyone at some point. How finding really good friends gets you through not just the teen years but your whole life. Your favourite travels or even wistful thoughts about places you've never and can't now.

Your daughter will use all these stories to help build her own model of the world around her and her own model for living. Some of the best things she might do just from the examples above are to have a better idea of what love might feel like and to travel to that mountain or ocean that you always wanted to visit and she'll take you there in her heart.

Sorry if this is off your desired topic

[exemption300]

But if you haven't already done so you may want to read Never Fear Cancer Again by Raymond Francis. I can't guarantee you it will help you but according to the author his advice did save his terminally ill brother who had advanced prostate cancer. So I can give you a maybe that will be worth trying. Im not in any way affiliated with the author or with any company selling his books. I've read some of his works to help me with my arthritis which seems to be going well. I'm just hoping it can help you too. From Never be sick again: Cancer may be the most feared of all diseases, but like all so-called diseases, it is nothing more than malfunctioning cells. Restore those cells to normal function and the cancer will disappear. Modern medicine’s dangerous treatments have failed to put a dent in our cancer epidemic. Meanwhile, alternative methods have been clinically proven to reverse cancer. Good resources include the Definitive Guide to Cancer by Diamond, Cowden, and Goldberg, published by Future Medicine Publishing. Another resource is Beating Cancer with Nutrition by Patrick Quillin. For specific suggestions regarding alternative treatment options, consult with People Against Cancer. [ http://www.peopleagainstcancer... ] By becoming a paid member, they will provide information about treatment options through an International Physicians Network that reviews your medical records and provides specific recommendations. In addition, People Against Cancer provides a wide range of educational materials of interest to people with cancer. For more information go to www.beyondhealth.com and click on the links page or call 800-250-3063. In any case: I wish you and your family the best of luck.

Re:Sorry if this is off your desired topic

[exemption300]

Sorry, again but with newlines.

But if you haven't already done so you may want to read Never Fear Cancer Again by Raymond Francis. I can't guarantee you it will help you but according to the author his advice did save his terminally ill brother who had advanced prostate cancer. So I can give you a maybe that will be worth trying.

Im not in any way affiliated with the author or with any company selling his books. I've read some of his works to help me with my arthritis which seems to be going well. I'm just hoping it can help you too.

From Never be sick again:

Cancer may be the most feared of all diseases, but like all so-called diseases, it is nothing more than malfunctioning cells. Restore those cells to normal function and the cancer will disappear. Modern medicine’s dangerous treatments have failed to put a dent in our cancer epidemic. Meanwhile, alternative methods have been clinically proven to reverse cancer. Good resources include the Definitive Guide to Cancer by Diamond, Cowden, and Goldberg, published by Future Medicine Publishing. Another resource is Beating Cancer with Nutrition by Patrick Quillin. For specific suggestions regarding alternative treatment options, consult with People Against Cancer. [ http://www.peopleagainstcancer... ] By becoming a paid member, they will provide information about treatment options through an International Physicians Network that reviews your medical records and provides specific recommendations. In addition, People Against Cancer provides a wide range of educational materials of interest to people with cancer. For more information go to www.beyondhealth.com and click on the links page or call 800-250-3063.


In any case: I wish you and your family the best of luck.

Read

[Anonymous Coward]

I recommend reading the book "Radical Remission".... It may be an eye opener for you on alternative treatment.

My heart goes out to you and yours.

[Methadras]

First of all, my deepest sympathies to you and your family. As someone who has seen first hand the speed to which pancreatic cancer manifests itself, my heart goes to you. Let your daughter know that you will always be there for her. That she is the product of you and your wives love. That she is smart, beautiful and has a keen mind. That all problems have a solution, but there are many solutions yet to be discovered. Let her know that her talents have merit. That she should do good, be good, and strive to help others as well as herself. That there will be perils along the way as she grows up, but that her character is in she should always do the right thing even when no one is looking. That being a good communicator and an even better listener can be more than she ever imagined. Godspeed.

Most of these comments are not what you should say

[Anonymous Coward]

Tell her family stories. I am at the age when family stories are interesting. You are probably younger than that. Tell her about your grandmothers and grandfathers. She probably does not even know their names. Tell her about your mother and father. Tell her where your family came from. Tell her about your ethnic group. If you are German, tell some German stories. Encourage her to look for her roots.

I always loved you

[allo]

Stop thinking about some wisdoms or even worse knowledge. Tell her, you always loved her.

Determination

[GrantRobertson]

Determination is more important than talent. I always had a lot of natural talent so a lot of things were easy for me. I expected things to always be easy. They weren't. I got frustrated easily. Make sure she doesn't think she can glide through life on talent alone. Minimize the role of talent, emphasize determination.

Teach her to determine who she wants to be and then be determined to be that person regardless of critics, naysayers, or the status quo.

Teach her to determine who can help her reach her goals and then be determined to convince them to help her. Due to my natural talents, ALL of my teachers just assumed that I would be fine with no help. This left me clueless about anything that wasn't in a book. Now, I read a lot of books so I knew a lot of stuff, but there aren't books about how to get other project members to do their share our even what to do when they won't. No books about getting into grad school really tell you what you really need to know. She will need mentors. She should be determined to find them. Independence is great but help is better.

Finally, tell her not to be afraid to use your death to get the help she needs. She can say, "If my dad were still alive, he would help me with this. But he died last year, so can you help me with this?" If that's what it takes to get people to help her, she should do it. However, she should be determined to do all the actual work on her own. Guidance is good. Getting people to do her work for her is bad.

high-dose nutritional therapy cures all

[Anonymous Coward]

high-dose nutritional therapy.
totally pass that wisdom on,
so she can slap you in the face
and get your sorry anus curing itself,.

Re:Gerson

[Anonymous Coward]

wow would you look at that.
an establishment website AND mass-media channel BOTH not speaking out against the status quo BUT ACTUALLY FURTHERING THE AGENDA

who would have thought...

i guess Hippocrates was wrong and all the doctors should tear up their hard to find oaths.

In your situation...

[Anonymous Coward]

Very sad to hear your story Soulskill.

My own daughter is pretty much the same age as you. And for a while I also thought Id not see her develop from a girl into a woman. My situation has improved... and Im saddened that your cannot. But Iv also had to contemplate similar things as you.

The thing that bothered me most is that I would only have a limited capacity to help develop my daughters future.

Iv always encouraged her to read - and will encourage her to take an interest in politics as she gets older. Im not too interested in that she thinks what I do - only that it's a reasoned argument not swayed by populist movements and darn right lies.

Id do video's for her 18th and 21st birthday. Another for her marriage and 1st child should that come to pass.

Id muse on my thoughts about religion (I am a hardline Atheist) and caution her against believing myth. But cautionary only... just ask her to simply examine the evidence presented to her in a rational way.

Id talk alot about how sad I am not to have the opportunity to see her grow up and develop. But Id counter that with assurances that her mother will be a rock for her and I had no misgivings on that front at all.

And Id use the small phrase I LOVE YOU... alot.

Good luck pal. :-(

I'm a female computer tech

[Anonymous Coward]

I came to being a computer technician very late in life and part of the issue was that I was totally brainwashed by the social milieu in which I grew up. I was told by mass media and peer pressure that intelligence and independence were not a valued trait in women and the best thing for me to do was to marry well. I did: three times and was very unhappy. My own father gave me good advice which I didn't take. He always advised me to pursue a career in Math and "paddle my own canoe." So please tell your daughter something along those lines. And tell her to always value her intelligence and to not let anyone ever tell her that she shouldn't do something because she's a woman. Times have really changed. There are a lot more women postponing marriage and a career and young girls need to know that its perfectly ok to do that. There are more women getting advanced degrees in STEM fields. There are a lot more young men (including my son) who want egalitarian partnerships and marriage with someone who is an equal to them in intellect and ambition. From what you've written, you've given her a lot of similar advice and I think you can be assured that there is more societal support for a smart, independent woman than there used to be.

List

[Anonymous Coward]

1) Hand write, in cursive, with ink on paper a letter to her at least each week. I sent a letter to each daughter once per week their senior year of college. It will be a blessing down the road. It is amazing to find letters written by my ancestors in the 1800's. This will be a great treasure for generations.

2) Video tape a description of *EVERY* heirloom, no matter how trivial. I am finally closing out my parents estate. It is agonizing to find a quilt and not know if great someone made it or if they bought it in a raffle. Get the stories of everyone you knew.

3) Videotape you telling the stories your mom, dad, grand's etc told. It sucks bad when this stuff is gone.

4) Re-tell her all the stories you told her when she was growing up. She knows them but the generations to follow will really enjoy them.

Best wishes and I look forward to meeting you someday. (Why hope for anything else?)

Very high level

[Anonymous Coward]

You'll want to keep things at a very high level, short, sweet. Otherwise, she may never watch them. Also, try to make something for her. I still have a hanger my grandfather made for my mother. It's made out of wood, has his name on it, to her and the date.

Enjoy the time you have remaining. Do some stuff that scares you. Hey, worst that can happen is it can kill you. Yea, I'm in the same boat you're in. Different problem though.

Honesty....

[niftymitch]

Take some time and be honest with her.
Stuff happens, no notice, lots of notice .... never enough notice.

Make sure she knows that you have spoken with
and trust her mother in all things.

Keep it simple and while you are living live.

Take care...

The Sex Talk.

[Anonymous Coward]

My friebd and fellow Slashdotter.

I believe it's important you leave your girl some sexual advice.

We are inherently stupid when it comes to human relations, but you must assume she will be too.

And remember, she will be a lady soon too.

Aside from just talking condoms, tell her the advice you think was your most valuable lesson when growing up yourself.

This is something you must ponder upon and come up with yourself.

Best of luck.

Enjoy the magnitude of space-time when you become one with the universe again.

Share your view of the world and life

[LinuxLuver]

Don't "tell" her anything unless it's just stories about you and your family and how you felt about things and about her. She your hopes and dreams. She'll want to know you better even though you're gone. That's the sort of thing she'll look to for insights in the decades ahead of her... And each passing decade will allow her own experience to see, anew, meaning in your words.

Books books books

[Anonymous Coward]

You can share a reading list with her. Science books, sci-fi books, books that were of great value in your life. She will understand and appreciate her dad if she knows what was important to him to become such a great father.
You can already give her some books now and start reading them with her...

Trinity

[new23d]

Guide her to be well-acquainted with three distinct kinds of everything. Subjects to study, fields of application, languages to speak, religions to understand, cultures to absorb. Everything else above and desirable will be a by-product of her awareness.

Check out alcor.org

[Anonymous Coward]

Check out alcor.org - doesn't hurt to look at it.

This

[Anonymous Coward]

Take a look at Alcor.org. Hal Finney just went there recently. Marvin Minsky, Ralph Merkle and others are on the Scientific Advisory Board and members. Smart people.

See e.g.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A...
or
http://www.alcor.org/

Don't waste an opportunity...

[Zygotic]

to show your daughter who YOU are. It IS about you - you're not going to teach her more than you can by showing her your true self. Be careful as you are obviously going through a traumatic time. Dance, sing, eat, drink - with her and Mum. Best wishes, see you there!

you still may be able to live longer

[Anonymous Coward]

Everything you hear is an opinion and not necessarily truth. Research Gerson therapy, megavitamin therapy (quality vitamins only here), herbal therapies (quality herbs only once again) for example echinacea, milk thistle, turmeric, etc. You may not cure cancer but you may live longer. Vitamin C injections have been shown to be as effective as some types of chemotherapy (once again, it should be a quality supplement only).
This law which doesn't require FDA to verify ingredients in supplements should be removed.

Terminally ill

[Anonymous Coward]

Apologies for poor typing - cut abiut 70% off my left index finger tip this morning. Patched with superglue and surgical tape, Can play mandolin better 4 fingered than I can type! Don't play with knives, kids!

Similar backgnd to yrs but w medical flavour; most would have judged a successful career (in Wikipedia for what it's worth). Anyway, about 7-8 years ago I was diagnosed w severe hep C and biopsy suggested 2/3 liver shot; prognosis 15% chance of cure and extrapolated to prob 2-3 years good qual then rapid decline into liver failure. Weirdly, it's was a gift. I did a lot of thinking about what's important and I decided that my 6 y.o. daughter & 4 y.o. son were that. She knew I was sick without being told & I think that her sympathy kept me going though the ghastly, debilitating treatment; she would come in and lie down beside me and that meant more than anything else. Much to my surprise, the 12 month treatment worked and after several years debilitation, heart damage and near blindness, I'm getting back to a couple of cylinders tho' forced (and happy!) to retire from full time work after putting in a lot of effort into making a pot of cash to keep them going after what should hqve been my A.D..

Long story short, she is a teenager now and tho' not as bad as most, she's no longer the sympathetic little person that she was - she's a brassy, beautiful, sharp, brilliant little woman who doesn't need me (much). So I think that I'm glad that I kept my mouth shut about dying and just "enjoyed" the silent moments we had then. Vids might have at best upset her, more likely they'd have seemed maudlin and worse still, creepy. Harping parents are bad enough but parents harping from beyond the grave has to be the worst! Just try to leave enough money to get all the education that she wants.

As a fellow sufferer...

[Anonymous Coward]

As a one-year survivor of stage-3 pancreatic cancer, I can offer a bit of advice in regards to extending your time here:

• Do get the chemo. My therapy of gemzar and abraxane worked well on me.
• Switch to a vegan diet ASAP. All my research suggests that a plant-based diet can slow down cancer growth. See nutritionfacts.org for more information.
• If you haven't already, get to know Jesus, to get right with your Maker. The previous two points may improve your earthly time, but this will improve your time in eternity. One death is bad enough, don't subject yourself to the second death. I contribute all of my current longevity and prognosis to my relationship with God through Jesus and my connection to His community here on Earth.

I pray it will go well with you and that you will have the time you need.

Marry and have children.

[Anonymous Coward]

This is what a wise man and woman tell their daughters to do:

1) Marry a righteous man with a high income or high income potential straight out of high school or during college. He might be as old as 35.
2) Immediately have three or more children after marriage.
3) Home school your children.
4) When your last child is married or entering college, enter college (for real this time).
5) Start a career upon graduation.

Women, to avoid decades of miserable regrets, do as women were evolved to do. You are not an exception. Nothing you might do other than have children is fulfilling. Serving an employer is not more palatable than serving a husband.

Mentally healthy women ALWAYS marry up.

you can still live longer

[Anonymous Coward]

Immunotherapy may be one of the best options, if it is available for this. Gerson therapy, megavitamin therapy (quality vitamins only), herbs (turmeric, echniacea, milk thistle, etc). Vitamin C injections have been shown to be as effective as some types of chemotherapy.
Unfortunately FDA is not required to verify supplements for quality.

to prevent recurrence

[Anonymous Coward]

If you are a heavy coffee drinker, you may want to stop, coffee has been linked to cancers of the digestive system (some cancerogens are being made during the roasting process itself).

Re:from a psychologist that has helped children gr

[Anonymous Coward]

As an addendum, consider telling your daughter "slice of life" stories from your life. Stories from when you did something really stupid, funny, cool, anything. There's no way that you'll be able to predict the myriad situations your daughter will experience, and some of the advice you give might seem hokey, or even wrong some 20 years down the line. But dad-stories? They'll never grow old. I myself face losing my father, and as horrible as that prospect is, I'm just so happy that I can say I actually know the man behind the "dad-face", because he's always taken the time to tell stories from his childhood, or when he was a captain, or just fun anecdotes.

Viruses can kill cancer

[chud67]

It is not too late to seek treatment, even if your pancreatic cancer is stage 4.
There has been a lot of success using viruses to target and kill cancer.
I encourage you to watch the new documentary that recently aired on HBO, called "Killing Cancer":
https://www.youtube.com/watch?...

If you can't get into a clinical trial, I would encourage you to find a reason, any excuse possible, to get a vaccine (measles, smallpox, rabies, etc).

Regarding your your daughter, I would teach her to avoid the "land mines" in life: financial (debt), health (smoking, drinking excessively, drugs), and emotional (avoiding toxic people).
Good luck.

Late advice

[prgrmr]

I know I'm late to the party here, but as a father I have a few things to share:

If she doesn't already, get her a savings account that she can manage, to learn about the value of money and preparedness. Tell her that she has free will, that everything not a fact is a choice, and that she has the power to chose, and that giving up that power is also a choice. So she doesn't need to buy-in to social "norms" or authoritarian stereotypes that are designed to limit her power because of her gender. If she can do that, she won't need to depend upon anyone else other than herself to make her way in this world.

On the other hand, she needs to know that no one is going to live her life for her, so she needs to have a plan, the will to carry it out, and the discipline to see it to the end despite the obstacles, hard work, or long hours. Anything worth having is worth working and fighting for, so she is going to need not just goals, but ideals, concepts she has enthusiasm and passion for to help carry her to her goals. As other have said, altruism, good morals, and a just being a nice person is going to help a lot. People are so much more inclined to help or at least be nice to someone who is polite and shows even the minimal kindness. Finally, explicitly tell her she needs to learn from your example, and to give of herself to others; family first and then on from there. To put another's need ahead of your own is one of the greatest acts of kindness we can manage, so it needs to be exercised judiciously, but sincerely.

I admire how you are handling this, and best of luck to you and your family making the most of the time you have.

"My condition is incurable"

[Anonymous Coward]

“I've been diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer, which you will remember is what took Steve Jobs and Randy Pausch from us."

"My condition is incurable.”

I wouldn't count yourself out just yet. If you alter what you eat, you will beat cancer. Here is one of the many articles that discusses the benefits of a Paleo diet:

https://www.bulletproofexec.com/low-carb-paleo-diets-vs-cancer-a-follow-up-note-to-steve-jobs/

This article even discusses how Steve Jobs could have saved himself by changing what he ate.

To get more articles, search google: paleo diet reverses cancer.

"My condition is incurable.”

[Anonymous Coward]

“I've been diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer, which you will remember is what took Steve Jobs and Randy Pausch from us."

"My condition is incurable.”

I wouldn't count yourself out just yet. If you alter what you eat, you will beat cancer. Here is one of the many articles that discusses the benefits of a Paleo diet.

https://www.bulletproofexec.com/low-carb-paleo-diets-vs-cancer-a-follow-up-note-to-steve-jobs/

This article even discusses how Steve Jobs could have saved himself by changing what he ate. To get more articles, search google- paleo diet reverses cancer.