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From the RHF archives as selected by Brad Templeton, Maddi Hausmann and Jim Griffith. This newsgroup posts former jokes from the newsgroup rec.humor.funny. Visit http://www.netfunny.com/rhf to browse the RHF pages and archives on the web.

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.

(The above is from Volume 36, Number 1 of The Journal of Irreproducible Results. Copyright 1991 Blackwell Scientific Publications Inc. 3 Cambridge Center, Cambridge MA 02141 Individual US Subscriptions $12.00 Reproduced with permission.)

Even better is the /bin/true copyright notice, preserved at many places on the Net in total violation of AT&T's claimed copyright on a blank line.

In addition to the above link to this "copyrighted" program that comes with every unix system, I've on several occasions "published" the entire program, as does the netfunny.com archive. Note that the program linked to is not a fair-use excerpt, it is the entire program, which consists of a blank line. If you use blank lines in your programs, you are in violation of AT&T's claimed copyright. It is sorta interesting that I've never heard from AT&T's lawyers (or is it SCO's now?) about this infringement.

But maybe some readers in Australia can include the above link on their web site, and we can finally have a decent court test of such violations. Wouldn't it be fun to be able to tell people that you were sent to jail for infringing a copyright by linking to a document that contained a blank line?

(Actually, I've long thought that it could be a lot of fun to find a prosecutor who was willing to take someone to court on this. Why is it that none of them are willing to do their job right. ;-)

It's worse than that. Have a look at this page from the AD&D manuals, missing until recently ...

If anything, Universities (and libraries) should at least be the ONE place on earth where the Internet should never be censored under any, any any any circumstances!!

This has been going on since the birth of the internet. See The joke that made RHF infamous . All it takes is one idiot who thinks he has a god given right not be offended by anyone.

A story of censorship from my college days in the mid 1980's. A class called "The Arms Race" taught by some extreme left wing idiot (but widely published). He 'taught' his political views backed by extremist left wing propaganda publications. I'm talking immediate unilateral disarmament type stuff at the peak of the cold war. I'm a history fanatic. I attempted to temper his political BS with a little more balanced perspective. I supported my arguments with information from respected writers and historians. He eventually quit letting me talk. I requested a class period to allow me to refute some his more egregious claims. He refused. He gave me a C even though I knew as much as he did (if not more) about the subject matter because I refused to buy into his political views.

3) References to things in current events
4) References to real history

Whatever the 9/11-perpetrators were, they were most ceratinly not cowards.

http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/93q1/tortelemkt. html

I'd rather spend a day writing an assebmly routine that has an equivalent single obscure machine instruction I didn't know about beforehand, thank you very much.

These are some of the error messages produced by Apple's MPW C compiler. These are all real. (If you must know I was bored one afternoon and decompiled the String resources for the compiler.) The compiler is 324k in size so these are just an excerpt I hope. I'm not sure where I stand on the copyright issue. Tony Cunningham

"String literal too long (I let you have 512 characters, that's 3 more than ANSI said I should)"

"...And the lord said, 'lo, there shall only be case or default labels inside a switch statement'"

"a typedef name was a complete surprise to me at this point in your program"

"'Volatile' and 'Register' are not miscible"

"You can't modify a constant, float upstream, win an argument with the IRS, or satisfy this compiler"

"This struct already has a perfectly good definition"

"type in (cast) must be scalar; ANSI 3.3.4; page 39, lines 10-11 (I know you don't care, I'm just trying to annoy you)"

"Can't cast a void type to type void (because the ANSI spec. says so, that's why)"

"Huh ?"

"can't go mucking with a 'void *'"

"we already did this function"

"This label is the target of a goto from outside of the block containing this label AND this block has an automatic variable with an initializer AND your window wasn't wide enough to read this whole error message"

"Call me paranoid but finding '/*' inside this comment makes me suspicious"

"Too many errors on one line (make fewer)"

"Symbol table full - fatal heap error; please go buy a RAM upgrade from your local Apple dealer"

"Trailing comma not permitted in enum definition. (This time I'm letting you off with a warning)"

Alcoholics and nicotine addicts can get help.

Hmm, I never considered prison "help". DWI, which is a part of alcoholism, is a felony and/or death sentence in many states/countries in the world. Timothy Leary, who was able to clear the drug laws in the US because of their original unconstitutionality, has been arrested for smoking a cigarette. http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/94q2/leary.html

Gamblers and crackheads are stigmatised as criminals, and help is not nearly so easy to come by.

Nobody likes a crackhead, even a crackhead. I don't understand gambling even though I have an addictive personality. Its the physical part that is the bitch for me to get over. Not gambling will not kill you. Stopping drinking can and does kill people.

Oh, and gamblers have ripped off alcoholics method of getting a better life as well as people that fuck too much, do drugs, cocaine, and even those that are 'addicted' to hanging out with such people.

...paint dry.

Ahh, the wayward electron...

An Electron's Longings

The electron
at the edge of the valence band
said:

I stand upon the edge
Condemned by fate's cruel hand
To lie in a state of perpetual freeze
With energy lacking to do a trapeze
Across to freedom's higher land

There are many who have risen beyond
Coulombic forces. They blisfully exist
Unshelled. Their orbitals know no bond.
With carefree abandon they diffuse and drift.

Will no photon shine a light ?
Will no dopant lend a hand ?
To conquer Fermi's improbable height
To leap into the conduction band !

http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/93q2/creationfaq .html

Actually A Fire Upon the Deep was available for years on Brad Templetons's "Hugo and Nebula Anthology 1993". In non-DRM'd RTF and TXT files. With a drawing by Vinge of Flenser. And the RTF version has footnotes and working notes from Vinge's original files. The CD is still available (perhaps)

The downside is that Joe(sephine) Blow regular HS student hasn't got a chance of even being noticed with their project that was done without access to a lab, or any funding. And hence... may not bother to do a project at all.

>>Ever wonder if there are others of Yoda's race, and if they speak the same way?
>Oh, the horror.

Imagine the yoda-men in the office, around the water cooler.

Yoda 1: Hello, Bill.
Yoda 2: Morning, Hank.
Yoda 1: Finish that proposal, you did?
Yoda 2: Yes, finally. Quite a chore, it was.
Yoda 1: That Henderson, he is a slave driver, eh?
Yoda 2: Yes. To kick his ass I'd like. "There is no try, only do." Asshole he is.

Last I heard, Microsoft told him that nosmoke.exe is incompatible with his power supply and that he needed to get a new one.

larry

Haven't we already established that santa claus moves really, really quickly?
If Keyhole can track this... hats off to the people at Google.
http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/93q4/issanta.htm l/

))))))) ))))))))

(With sincere apologies to Bryce Jasmer.)

Well, there's the argument that DMCA locks you to a specific vendor (Microsoft or Apple, basically) and therefore is a monopoly-style problem for consumers, but the Gov'mt is likely to think this is akin to complaining that you can't listen your LP's on your CD player. Yeah, the format is locked to a vendor or kind of equipment, but there are ways of transferring it if you really want to. (Yes, there are. Stop complaining.)

Anyway, that's the whole point of exemptions to the DMCA's anti-circumvention clause. Though it'd be better just to repeal the DMCA. It was able to slide through congress with the help of the media which was giving 24/7 coverage of whether Lewinsky spit or swallowed.

I prefer Tenne-C myself (http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/88q3/0tenny.htm l).

No, actually that's not the point.

this is the first thing I was reminded of: http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/90q2/toaster.htm l/

http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/92q3/techwrite.h tml

Being almost too young to remember Challenger we'd kid around about these at work until Columbia.

There is a long list, certainly more than these.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON: Yoda told you no, muthafucka. What the fuck is wrong with yo, bitchass? I'll fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna be a fuckin bad ass in the next two fuckin movies, you know. My toy has a fuckin lightsaber.

(from http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/99/Jun/menace.ht ml )

Of course, if offered something good for free, people like it and will switch to it.

You mean like RHF?

Thanks, Brad.

That story is a famous joke about LISP. See http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/90q2/lispcode.ht ml for the actual joke.

Yeah, I was there last week. Not a bad blog. One of the better ones out there. However he fails to mention his appearence on Jerry Springer and the real reason why noone understands him. Hes not really a bad guy, he just has issues that noone understands.

Still, there are possibilities...

So with an air popper, I get fewer bad kernels, just over three times the amount of corn, and I can control the salt and butter amounts.

I don't understand why people use microwaves rather than a cheap air popper.

Agreed.
But some people prefer the swiss army knife approach, while others prefer to select the right tool for the job.

Microsoft Windows slogans
wc@speakeasy.net (John B. Williston)

After first seeing Microsoft's slogan for its upcoming Windows XP operating system, "it just works," I couldn't help wondering: what were the slogans for all the previous releases? After thinking about it for a while, they became obvious.

Windows 1.0: Good joke, eh?
Windows 2.0: Still funny, isn't it?
Windows 286: Yeah, we're still kidding.
Windows 386: Going boldly where Desqview has been for years.
Windows 3.0: It's finally worth buying!
Windows 3.1: It's finally worth using!
Windows 95: Going boldly where the Mac has been for years.
Windows 98: More usable! Less stable!
Windows 98SE: More stable! Less usable!
Windows ME: Less usable AND less stable!
NT 1.0: Give me more hardware! NOW!!!
NT 2.0: Dammit, I said MORE HARDWARE!!! NOW!!!!
NT 3.0: Which part of "more hardware" do you not understand?
NT 3.5: With enough hardware, I'd work. Honest.
NT 4.0: Does less than Win98 with twice the hardware at one-half the speed.
Windows 2K: Works almost as well as Windows 98! Honest!
Windows XP: It just works.

"why are manhole covers round"

They're not. They're square.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PROFILE: In the Unlikely Event That This Personal Data Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/91q1/prodwarn.ht ml

We can't be letting this happen again.

I prefer Tenne-C, and was disappointed to see it missing.

heh, you might want to take a look at this joke. ;-) kei

Mmm, mainframes....

heh, you might want to take a look at this joke. [netfunny.com] ;-) av

heh, you might want to take a look at this joke. [netfunny.com] ;-) xcu

I do see some of their concern... but disagree with both premises and conclusions. I don't support the values they want to instill, and I don't think censorship is the way to do it. When raising kids, you need to instill both values and judgement. Part of judgement is making sure little Suzy learns that not everyone around them shares the same values, and that just because little Johnny next door does something, doesn't mean it's right or smart. Explain to little Suzy that no, she may not watch South Park, she can watch Nova (or the 700 Club, or whatever). Lay down the rules early, relax them gradually as they grow up, and make sure they remember: My House, My Roof, My Rules. Adult supervision would solve so many of these problems... assuming the head of the household is an Adult of God as well as a Child of God.

Of course, if your values cannot withstand scrutiny, you will have a problem once little Suzy leaves the isolation of the home and church. An incident with ex-Jehova's witness who had dyed her hair purple (above and below) streaking my second year college dorm room colorfully made sure I'd remember that for a long time....

I do see some of their concern... but disagree with both premises and conclusions. I don't support the values they want to instill, and I don't think censorship is the way to do it. When raising kids, you need to instill both values and judgement. Part of judgement is making sure little Suzy learns that not everyone around them shares the same values, and that just because little Johnny next door does something, doesn't mean it's right or smart. Explain to little Suzy that no, she may not watch South Park, she can watch Nova (or the 700 Club, or whatever). Lay down the rules early, relax them gradually as they grow up, and make sure they remember: My House, My Roof, My Rules. Adult supervision would solve so many of these problems... assuming the head of the household is an Adult of God as well as a Child of God.

Of course, if your values cannot withstand scrutiny, you will have a problem once little Suzy leaves the isolation of the home and church. An incident with ex-Jehova's witness who had dyed her hair purple (above and below) streaking my second year college dorm room colorfully made sure I'd remember that for a long time....

Just an aside on Brad Templeton - he's the founder of rec.humor.funny and does other stuff, too.

I never got up the nere to actually do it.

Shoulda' just done what I did, and replaced the compiler with a spurious error message generating wrapper...

Compiler says 'Ack' from rec.humor.funny

You're on rec.humor.funny. http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/04/Oct/ts.html

heh, you might want to take a look at this joke. [netfunny.com] ;-) iex

Jean-Louis Gassee beat to you that 11 years ago...

Mmmm... no. It becomes managable. However, even an 8x8x12 system is noticably larger than the Airport Extreme, or the SMC Barricade someone mentioned (even after adding a RS232).I can usually get any PC or Mac up enough to talk to the net with gear that fits into half of a CaseLogic 64 CD case (the drivers, OSes, &c take up the other half) and a Yum Cha USB/Firewire box, provided that CPU, motherboard, and memory are OK. So, adding even a SFF/Mini-ITX will more than double the size of the pile I need to carry. Maybe I'll get an OQO. =)

Mind you, connecting can be a bit of a challenge, and it's been a pain to find all of the gear (EG, a small USB modem with both Mac and PC drivers), but it does make housecalls easier-- and it's mindboggling what you can get away with when you're a techie who makes housecalls.

Link to source

Well, I know of one dating back to 1993. No doubt there are others, going back further.