Slashdot Mirror
Ask Internet Expert Dave Barry
This is a man who obviously knows a lot about the Internet. I am not making this up. He wrote a book about it. He has his own blog, his own Web site, and his own online alt.fan newsgroup with its own FAQ. Not only that, he is in a band and writes a syndicated humor column that often covers matters of interest to Slashdot readers. What are you going to ask him? Up to you, as long as you hold it down to one question per post. We'll send Dave 10 of the highest-moderated questions and post his answers as soon as we get them back, after which we're sure many alert readers will have much to add even if they haven't heard about Bennett Haselton's excellent automated Dave Barry column generator.
syndicated "humor" column?
Which, incidentally, would make an EXCELLENT name for a music group.
-Hentai [in vita non pacem est]
In what way will the internet change daily life in the months and years to come - will we see an increasing amount of wireless access on phones with web content to follow? Online Voting? 3d porn? What are your predictions?
--------
Free your mind.
As most of the people in the Rock Bottom Remainders admit, RBR is hardly a band but more of a way for these authors to play music, have fun, and raise money for their cauases. Which is a good thing of course. But there's a certain measure of self deprecating humor in the RBR.
You're really just making all that stuff up, right?
/bin/fortune | slashdotsig.sh
What no comments? Five minutes?? Is Dave Barry so repulsive that I get first? Woo!
How did you feel when the studio refused to release the film of "Big Trouble" after 9/11? Did you think it appropriate to hold the release?
The Tooth phone. I would just love to hear (arh arh) his take on it.
Dave,
So, when you were a little kid, were you the class clown type, where all of your humor come naturally and you flaunted it in the lunchroom or in the halls, whether everyone else was laughing at you or not?
Seriously, did you want to become a humourous writer/author when you were a child? When did you realize it could be a viable career?
Thx,
Ryan
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Do you think something like multiplayer monkey island would do better then say Doom 3?
I don't ever remember seeing alt.davebarry.die.die.die
-- Thou hast strayed far from the path of the Avatar.
Recently it was announced that Tony Kornheiser, another well-known columnist, might be the subject of a situation comedy going into development. Were you pleased overall with how you were portrayed in the television series based on your life, Dave's World? How did you feel when it left the air? Is it in syndication anywhere these days?
So long, michael. Don't let the door hit you...
When you vote, do you vote for the candidate that is going to make your job easier as a humor columnist? Or do you actually try to vote for the best canditate?
I mean, he's about as funny as a kernel panic, yet the newspapers keep running his ZZZZZZ boring columns. Who is reading this crud?
What are your (as opposed to your publisher's) opinion on the subject of fair use as it applies to your weekly column? Do you have a problem with people qoting parts (or all) of it in email and via their web sites?
Mr. Barry... I own several of your books, as well as a copy of the 'Big Trouble' movie. (I hope you're getting some kind of royalties for that...). In all of your writing, the piece that I felt was the most powerful was your segment on visting Hiroshima in 'Dave Barry does Japan' and witnessing the holiday celbrated in rememberance of the bombing.
You've written a few more very serious pieces, such as the column on your visit to one of the 9-11 crash sites.
My question is why do you not do more serious columns and articles like these more often? While I think that your columns and humor articles are great (milk-through the nose funny, frequently) I can't help but feel that the Hiroshima and 9-11 articles were better.
The next Slashdot story will be ready soon, but subscribers can beat the rush and slashdot the links early!
Many celebrities present a technologically aloof public persona.
A few, like you, Wil, Bill Shatner, Moby, Adam Curry, etc. openly embrace technology and don't fear the 'geek' label.
What's your take on the state of celebrity & personal technology. Are most celebrities to dumb to run a Tivo or use eBay?
nuclear iraq bioweapon encryption cocaine korea terrorist
Do you think that the phrase "Slashdot Effect" would make a great name for a band?
If brevity is the soul of wit, then how does one explain Twitter?
Nonsanity
I've read your various comlumns on how to turn an ordinary toaster into a flamethrower using only a strawberry Pop-Tart. I think there's a large market for this - would you be interested in mass producing pastry-powered weapons with me? If you're against the idea of creating weapons, do you know how we could make the flame-throwing toaster into something else useful, perhaps having welding applications? I think it's safe to say a successful New Economy will be based upon Pop-Tarts, and we should really move to it before it's too late.
Who the f*** are you? I mean, I don't think of mysel;f as being stupid or anything, but I've never heard of you. Why are you being interviewed on Slashdot, as opposed to, say, my uncle Simon?
[FUCK BETA]
Since when does having a lot of rants up on the Internet mean you know anything about the Internet? I know a lot of AOL users with large web pages but that doesn't mean they are expert web designers or anything. So what's so special about having all that stuff on the Internet that makes you think you actually know something?
There's a growing sense that even if The Future comes,
most of us won't be able to afford it.
-- Lemmy
What has become of Mr. Chuckletrousers, both the friend you directed that name towards and the real life Chuckletrousers?
I am typing this on the Intarnet!
No but he can probably come up with a few zingers for jackasses who post stupid things to Slashdot...
Dave, what is the status of your brave and lonely campaign to rescind the low-flow toilet legislation?
Can you forsee a day where you as an established columnist will publish all of your books and columns via your own web page and not via creator's syndicate (or whoever you use)?
If that's the case, what do you want to be when you grow up?
[/tongue in cheek]
"Prepare for the worst - hope for the best."
or how about 'CmdrTaco and the Slashdotters'?
Too many zeros, not enough ones
Why do you use italics so much?
-- Repeat with me: "There is no right to profits".
"The Slashdot Effect" would be an excellent name for a rock band?
Given that anyone can make their own blog, website, or even write a book about the internet; how is asking you questions "News for Nerds" or "Stuff that matters."
From your blog:
"I have an odd little connection to the Columbia: It once carried a book of mine into space."
That is very cool. I've read some of your books and columns over the years and find your work very, very funny.
My question is this; humorists such as yourself can sometimes find humor in the most horrific of events. How do you find humor in events that are obviously touchy? Do you think finding humor in something like this will help people heal?
You know you're a geek if you've ever replied to a tagline.
Seeing how he's now dead, do you think we have seen the end of Dick Nixon's political career?
There's a growing sense that even if The Future comes,
most of us won't be able to afford it.
-- Lemmy
Mr. Barry,
As a nationally syndicated author, you're in quite a high profile position. I have no doubt that, had this interview not come up, you'd be busy doing things you get paid to do.
That said, why did you agree to do this interview? Did you think it would be a neat thing to do? Is this another way for people to learn about your column, or are you learning more about what's on the minds of your readers? Are we going to get our own article written about us (no doubt that would be a funny and possibly humbling experience)? As someone from "the outside world", do you see us as a bunch of people with wide backgrounds and experiences, or are we the teenage boy group that TV tells us owns and authors the internet?
A lot goes on in peoples lives, whether it's horrible events (such as 9/11 or recently the space shuttle blowing up), or personal events (we've all had these). Do you ever find yourself having trouble being funny, and what do you do to cure this problem?
Sure, Bush is passing hundreds of millions of dollars for research into hydrogen fuel cell technology to halt dependence on oil. But what about experts' claims that supplies of The Internet will run dry by 2018? Do you, as America's foremost lobbyist to Congress, know of any pending legislation to address this threat?
One question per post... ehehe....
Mr. Barry, as we all know, the Internet is slowly killing paper news media, along with cable news. Internet news sites can carry more material, archive it an available format longer, and can target the news to a much finer-grained audience than a newspaper can hope to do. Humour in the form of comic strips or humour articles like yours can come in a much-wider array of content, and can be targeted at any subject or audiences accustomed to any level of acceptable content.
My local paper recently began to distribute free copies in an effort to revive spiraling circulation rates. This signals to me that all but the largest papers are beginning to feel the pinch from internet news and media distribution most keenly. I suspect that in the near future, only the largest papers will survive (MH possibly being one of those) and that online news sources will be accepted as the preferred method for news delivery.
Assuming that your job as a columnist for a paper should go away, what contingency plans do you have to continue to ply your craft in a completely wired world? (I already read your columns online rather than in the print version of the MH or my local paper.)
The next Slashdot story will be ready soon, but subscribers can beat the rush and slashdot the links early!
Why are you being interviewed on Slashdot, as opposed to, say, my uncle Simon?
You think Dave should be interviewed on your uncle Simon?
Have you ever had to describe your Internet persona? For example, when someone asks you at a party about what you do on the web, do you say something like "Yeah, I'm the Captain Kirk of the Internet!"?
There's a growing sense that even if The Future comes,
most of us won't be able to afford it.
-- Lemmy
I've had a good response to the idea of an internet spammer hunting license or season, complete with cute orange ear tags for the spammers.
"It is a greater offense to steal men's labor, than their clothes"
Dave - I keep hearing people complain about "privacy issues" when they talk about the internet. Since you're an Expert, i thought i'd ask you about it. What are these "privacy issues" and should we be worried about them?
I also wanted to ask about SPAM, since you are an Expert. I got lots of neat offers for goods and services every day, from sexually adventurous women (and men, and women and men, and animals, and women and animals, and men and animals, and women and men and animals, and turnips, and - you get the picture) to desperate Nigerians who need help moving their family fortunes out of their war-torn country. But i've never received any SPAM. What is SPAM (besides a tasty treat) and why is everyone always complaining about it?
One final question. You are an Expert who is in a band and has been involved with movies. Are the RIAA and MPAA really a bunch of soul-sucking ghouls whose Machiavellian business practices enslave artists and consumers alike just so that the top executives can buy new multi-million-dollar penises (penisii?) - i mean - homes and cars, or are they a bunch of fun-loving nuts who just want people to enjoy high-quality art (like the sci-fi thriller, "Jason X", and the equally astounding, "Britney Spears' Breasts") at a reasonable price, so they can devote their much-deserved income to feeding the hungry, and promoting liberty and justice for all?
Shameless (yet really totally sincere) brown nosing: DAVE BARRY RULEZ!
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.
Are you going to reprint the stupidest questions in your column?
word.
Dave,
are you often recognized "on the street"? What I mean is, you're obviously very famous and have tons of fans. But at the same time, I get the sense that you have more of a "cult" following and maybe aren't as well-recognized as, say, Ben Affleck or Chris Rock. Do you have to change your daily routine to avoid being swarmed by adoring fans, or do or do you enjoy relative anonymity in your daily life?
PS - you recently wrote that Michigan ranked among the stupidest states because we have an "official state soil." I heartily agree, but boy did your column provoke some angry letters in the Kalamazoo Gazette!
Moz on Lunix (RH 8.0 base), as well as IE 6 on Win2k pro, and IE 5.5 on Mac OS X 10.2. All are slooooow. (We're behind multiple T-3s so it's not BW). I'm concerned that
As a newspaper columnist, noted author, and booger specialist, is the concept of privacy a major issue for you? Do you have trouble reconciling your desire for privacy with having millions of people intimately familiar with your life (Ie Your articles on your son getting hit by a car almost brought me to tears, in the same way we all felt like we as a nation knew Bill Cosby's son)?
Never confuse volume with power.
Are you making these questions up?
So, since you are an expert about the Internet, how do you feel about pop up ads and about the ads from "Yahoo Personals" (tm) like this?
What was the name of your 10th grade math teacher? Because I went to Pleasantville High School (why are the panthers green, anyway?) also and had the same teacher, but I can't remember what his name was for the life of me. I graduated a long long long long long long long time ago - 1996 - so give me a break.
... that "Dave's World" will start airing on "Nick at Night"?
Dave,
you've written many hilarious columns about the foibles of the Federal Government. Isn't this like shooting fish in a barrel?
Does it make people stupid? For example, during the shuttle tragedy, you could tell who watched a lot of TV that day. Those people sounded like the news anchormen. Big fluffy, hollow, rambling, pseudo-emotional statements. Regular human beings don't talk like that to each other.
Mac or PC?
Linux or Windows?
The right to offend is far more important than the right not to be offended. (Rowan Atkinson)
Mr. Barry:
:) )
I was rather surprised and impressed by the random out-of-nowhere short story near the end of the Dave Barry in Cyberspace book, and have been kind of wondering since then what would happen if you tried to write anything in a longer format than the standard columns. ( Big Trouble sounds really cool, but I haven't gotten around to picking up a copy yet
Anyway, my question is: Do you have plans to write any more fiction, and is it possible we could see any more movies from you in the future after what happened with Big Trouble?
And do you still write newspaper articles for the Herald outside the scope of the column?
---
Irritable, left-wing and possibly humorous bumper stickers and t-shirts
Corporations, more and more every day, claim they made the internet. They are trying to convince the masses that if it wasn't for them, the intenet wouldn't had existed in the first place and that "it's just another one of their great services".
But the only thing corporations have contributed to the internet is pollution in the search engines, silly banners, spam, DNS confusion, etc.
What is you opinion on this?
DO you belive that one day in 100 years from now, history will be so twisted that our grandchildren will believe that Al Gore made the internet?
Will you be running for President in 2004? Every four years, I vote for you and encourage everyone I know to do the same.
Use Ctrl-C instead of ESC in Vim!
With so many aspects of our society bringing absurdity to new levels, have you ever written a humor article that ran the risk of the label "It would be funny if it weren't true"? Is there a point at which people will become so desensitized to humor through the sheer mass of stupidity and insanity that defines humanity that you could find yourself out of a job?
Did you have any objection to Harry Anderson playing you on TV? I mean, that guy is out there!
If there are 4 urinals in the bathroom and I number them from the left, assuming that 1 and 3 are in use, which urinal should I use to abide by the rules?
Mordor...a magical, mythical land where women are more rare than dragons--but where every man would rather find a dragon
Leaving aside your occasional run for president, your columns (and sense of humor in general) are fairly apolitical. Is there a reason that your humor is more -- well, not mundane, but grounded -- in terms of subject (e.g., the pains of turning forty), rather than political/esoteric?
She sat at the window watching the evening invade the avenue.
Hey Dave, Can you draw a dragon? I want to see your skills as an artist. Well, g2g, Stavr0 CA
Perhaps he's saying that Dave should be interviewed as being opposed to Uncle Simon; or saying "Uncle Simon"; or perhaps the interview with Dave might include his opposition to saying "Uncle".
Plz mod down.
This kind of questions which put the interviewer in the center of the ego-world, asking facts from his childhood (heck, everybody's got something to say about their childhood.) is totally redundant.
This is not larry king crap. We don't care what he thought when he was a kid and if he's indeed wise, he will just ignore this shit.
Also:
"tell me, were you a good student?"
"tell me something funny that happened when you were a kid"
"did you have friends?"
"do YOU believe god exists?"
"What's god involvement in this?"
"What is the advice I must follow to be happy?"
"Do you read slashdot?"
"Did you every thought you was going to be interviewed one day?"
"blah blah blah.. shit"
Why does my cat hate me?
photosMy Photostream
I've kept up with your humour books for some time (I started with Dave Barry Slept Here). Out of the blue I find myself with a copy of Tricky Business this past Christmas. I looked at my girlfriend and said "You're kidding right?" I mean... Dave Barry... write serious fiction? C'mon! (I didn't know about Big Trouble until I read TB's introduction)
But, I was pleasantly surprised. I plowed right through it. Good (if somewhat light) book.
Do you have any plans to keep up with more titles in this genre? Any currently in the works? As I read it, I couldn't help thinking that Tricky Business would make a pretty good made-for-TV movie. Any plans to push this to the small screen?
Dave:
You should remember me. I'm the guy that shook hands with you that day, two years ago, during the Tropic Hunt in Hollywood. You also signed the napkin I found near the garbage can. I know that it was a clue, but I don't understand why you didn't mention it when you read off the official answers to the Hunt. Clearly the contents were a reference to your many columns on boogers. I still have that napkin and will return it to as soon as you send me your home address.
Anyway, my question is:
How has your life changed since you won a Pullet Surprise? Is the fame and money and gorgeous babes throwing themselves at your feet worth it?
Kwan
PS How much do I need to pay you to get my name in one of your next columns?
I've been a big fan since I first logged into a slackware box 6 years ago.
My question:
How much royalty money do get for each fortune I see on my login? I'm also using fortune on a few websites. Do you get royalties for these? do you get money from red hat?
1. What is your name?
2. What is your quest?
3. What is your favorite color?
Then you may pass..
I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.
Dave needs to run for President. That's what he should be.
OT: I once saw a bumper sticker that read, "when I grow up, I want to be me"
You cannot apply a technological solution to a sociological problem. (Edwards' Law)
In "Dave Barry's Greatest Hits", there was an column entitled "Public-Spirited Citizens Such As You" where you talk about a joke that answers the question, "Why is Walter Mondale nicknamed 'Fritz'?" You ask that everybody write in to The Joke Tracking Center as soon as they hear the joke. I haven't heard the joke, and that question has been keeping me up all night for the past 10 years. Why is Walter Mondale nicknamed Fritz? Also, does The Joke Tracking Center employ bad joke/pun writers? My dad is currently unemployed, and I'm sure he would fit right in.
...oOOo..'(_)'..oOOo...
You've made numerous mentions throughout your writings that you have a large main dog and an emergency backup dog. Given the failure rate of dogs, do you think this is a good policy? How do you handle situations where both dogs fail simultaneously? How many dogs would you have to own in order to maintain a minimum of one functional dog for a period of eight hours?
Also: Have you considered a Beowulf cluster of dogs?
I've read your column and a few of your books and enjoyed them all, but one thing has stood out in my mind: the rock band joke.
For those of you unfamiliar with his columns, there is almost always a line to the effect of "this would make a great name for a rock band" after an uncommon grouping of words.
Do you have a bet with your editor or agent on the amount of mail you'd get on this topic?
or will "dr_dank is a nitwit" be a good name for a rock band?
Where does the school board find them and why do they keep sending them to ME?
Your columns are readable for about 6 months to a year, then the three basic patterns you use become too painfully obvious. (In fact, much sooner if one buys one of your books.)
Do you plan on adding any variety to your formula writing, or should we expect many more years of "wouldn't 'exploding-toasted-zucchini-smashers' be a great name for a punk rock band"?
or mabey /.
Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it.
It's bad enough that Stephen King "borrows" your "ideas" for his "books" and is now "publishing" them on "the" internet, but now you have to "put" up with that "no" talent hack in this so called "band"?
Seriously, what is it like sharing the stage with other talents like Groening and King, and do you find that more people turn out to see the band than hear them?
Dave,
Do you plan on making the trip to Grand Forks to visit the lift station that was named in your honor?
After your experience with the city-wide pot luck dinner, were you inspired to start something similar in Miami?
Does your tinfoil hat ever fall off when your sleeping?
I don't keep a lid on my coffee so when I walk around I look busy -me
My kingdom for a mod point! C'mon people - that was funny... maybe not +5 funny, but pretty good nonetheless.
I read your book on the Internet long ago and found it at the same time humorous and poignant. The thing that I still remember is the story at the end illustrating the beginnings of an online relationship. Those relationships seemed to have been all the rage during the public's adoption of the Internet, do you think the Internet still has the capacity to allow people to interact in the same fashion? Or do you think that something in the nature of people or the Internet has changed to make those relationships unfeasible?
Zech Harvey, MCSE, MCDBA, CCNA
Dear Dave,
Once you characterized Miami's endemic corruption (and here I would like to note that Endemic Corruption is a good name for a rock band) was so pervasive that Miami would benefit by being taken over by the Mafia, since then at least COMPETENT criminals would be running the city. In light of that, I'd like to ask you: What's the strangest thing you've ever lit on fire?
Whoops, sorry, that was the FBI Carnovore guys monitoring my computer who slipped that last one in. (Motto: "You're Not Authorized to Know Our Motto.") No, the real question is, has Miami's corruption gotten better or worse since you wrote that, and what would you and Carl Hiaasen do if Miami eliminated its Supersized Corruption and merely went with the Small Corruption with Fries enjoyed by other large American cities?
Lawrence Person (lawrencepersonh@gmailh.com (remove all "h"s to mail)
http://www.lawrenceperson.com/
As a long time fan who has read just about everything you have written, I have wondered what it is like for you when you tackle 'serious issues.' At the end of your 'Cyberspace' book you wrote a surprisingly poignant and subtly emotional look at an unsatisfied housewife experimenting with an online romance. It brought to mind, in the tone and 'feel,' some of what Louis Grizzard, the great humorist, used to write on occasion. It seems like humor columnits have some deep-seeded ability to write in a remarkably moving way at times. What is it that humorists have that can make their writing so insightful about the less humorous aspects of life?
So... that girl in her "late teens" that you met (and subsequently *did*) while working on a story... was she really in her "late" teens?
Oh crap... that's Bob Greene. Never could keep you two apart. Still would appreciate you answering the question, though.
Why do people think you're so funny?
You've mentioned a lot of good suggestions for names for Bands in your columns. What would you say are bad potential (existing?) band names? And what differentiates them?
credo quia absurdum
In one of your columns, you wanted to track the speed of jokes so you invented a test joke that involved Walter Mondale's nickname. What were the results of that study and, more importantly, what was the punchline?
I'm sure I could answer this question if I read your books and your columns and checked out your blog and fangroup and looked up archival material on your previous interviews and searched on Google and was really motivated.
But I'm lazy. How'd did you get into writing humour columns?
From a completely ill-informed perspective, getting paid to blather on about anything you feel like sounds like the ultimate job for most slashdotters.... Karma whoring for money....
I can spell. I just can't type.
Which web browser do internet experts use?
42
Hey Dave,
I'm curious about what you think about humour (Canadian spelling) in times of crises. Just before 9/11, I read Bob Hope's autobiography dealing with Pearl Harbour and how important everyone thought it was to keep people laughing because a) it was important for moral and b) it was important to show the Japanese that they hadn't destroyed what it meant to be American.
This doesn't seem to be the case at all after 9/11 (and most recently the loss of Columbia), with the most glaring example being the removal of the Spider-Man trailer (catching a helicopter in a web strung between the two World Trade towers).
What are you thoughts on this and of humour in times of crises in general?
myke predko (not so Anonymous Coward)
What, exactly, is "The WeeWee of Triumph", and when shall we see it next?
Mod Karma -1: I sed bad wurds. If I cep my mouf shut, I wud be at riyses.
"Dear Mr Barry why do you suck suck suck so much" AND "Dear Slashdot, WTF?????"
Mr. Barry,
/. today. At 1 of the links you were discussing an article about the first Gulf War being a based on a phony PR campaign. I am interested to know if you feel the same way about building tensions in the Mid-East.
I don't read your website except for it being on
As an American living in Europe, I am constantly bombarded with questions about US foreign policy and war with Iraq. I am personally against war but feel the US is justified in trying to remove Saddam from power and feel that it will benefit the people in the long run. Although most Europeans are anit-war (or just anti-US), a few of my friends from Afghanistan and Azerbaijan seem to feel as I do. What do you think?
Do you have a broadband connection? Do you have a wireless network?
Do you think RMS is the messiah or a Communist? Do you spell Linux "GNU/Linux"?
Do you prefer the GPL or BSD license?
Do you think Microsoft is evil? Do you think Bill Gates is the devil personified?
BTW, the correct answer to all of the above questions is yes.
how about "do you speaking correct english when trying clever to sound?"
Thanks for telling us all what our opinion should be, but we don't want any. The mods will decide what they care about
Just because a question has been asked before dosn't mean it won't have an interesting answer.
In my local paper, they replaced your column with one about sex. Have you considered the possibility of broadening your appeal by including weekly advice on cunnilingus?
...why pick Harry Anderson to play the guy 'loosely' based on you in a sitcom 'loosely' based on you? Who were the runners-up?
soooo many annoying flashing things, NONE
of which have any relation to you or your
material?
Are those supposed to be of some benefit?
Scientific studies have repeadedly shown
that Netizens (particularly SlashDotters)
either:
1. Block these things in the first place
2. Hit Esc or other such to MAKE THEM STOPP!!
3. Leave a website immediately when they see so many.
Exceeding the recommended torque is not recommended.
Dear Dave,
I'm running a Wintel PC and RTLinus to do real-time control of some nuclear fishing experiments I'm working on. I've been using a 1Gb Celereon CPU but I've been having jitter problems, so I've been considering another processor, perhaps an AMD Athalon or Duron. My problems might also be coming from my NVIdeo card or from some other bus interaction. Could you offer me some advice?
with P. J. O'Rourke? What happened?
Do you think "News for Nerds" would make a good name for a rock band?
Well, not really *you*, but have you ever let an AI do your column? For just a week, fed it your email and a selection of world news and pasted the results to your editor?
Sorry, I have to ask, it's just the conspiracy theorist in me.
-- The above may have once been believed by me, but any truth or application you find is your own problem.
David Barry is a master troll - and gets his trolls published daily by major newspapers, in a sense, "highly moderated". Could you give the slashdot trolls (of which I am not one) some tips?
Karma: Bad (mostly affected by being such an asshole)
Seriously, Dave, who cuts your hair? Beavers?
"When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me"
Dear Mr. Barry,
With the pending birth of our first child, I am transitioning away from the athletic, windsurfing type of person, towards more of the sand-castle building type of person.
As a father of two, do you have any advice for finding the time to do "research" on the computer and the internet?
A long time Canadian fan, eh?,
Jamie Strachan
Dave,
Is it painfull to read all these attempts at asking a 'funny' question?
The Kruger Dunning explains most post on
Dave,
I have been reading your articles and books for longer than I care to remember. I've read about your son growing up, your dogs, your relocations, vacations and everything else under the sun. When will the last article 'So Long, I Retire' by Dave Barry come up?
Especally for someone like Dave Barry.
Is Steven King a good singer? He always seems like such an uptight guy.
Is he mellow and meek?
Or does he rage?
I am a viral sig. Please copy me and help me spread. Thank you.
Holy shit, this guy has his own blog and web site! That's amazing!
Favorite Barry article of all time, had to plug it.
You fall a close second to my favorite author of all time, the sadly-passed Douglas Adams, author of the magnificent "Hitch-Hiker's Guide" series. It makes me wonder, who was/is your favorite author of all time? And did this person have any influence on your writings?
"Don't Panic"
When, oh when, will we hear a decent "Louis, Lou-eye" sequel? By "decent" I mean "something that inspires fraternity house members to set their furniture on fire and drag it out into the middle of the street" (usually in that sequence).
The Russians have won. They have made the world a cesspool of distrust, greed, fear and hate.
Can you fix my email thingie?
Is there anything which you HAVE made up/
We are not making up this question.
Fascism starts when the efficiency of the government becomes more important than the rights of the people.
Do you think that you will use any of this question and answer stuff from /. in your syndicated articles?
Mr. Barry,
There have been monumental events during which people can recall exactly where they were when the incident happened. Notable examples include:
- The JFK assassination
- The moon landing
- The Challenger and Columbia incidents
My question is: where were you when Al Gore invented the Internet?
Trolling is a art,
There's an old joke that the true tests of a software engineer are whether he can quote Python, owns a cat, and finds Dave Barry funny. The rest of his qualifications are just semantics, since the above all show a general love of problem solving which is what engineering is all about. Have you ever considered (or do you even have any) devoting some free time to learning an engineering discipline for fun? ...he may use a 9-iron for this shot, or an 8, or...and this makes gets me so excited I feel almost like talking in a normal voice...a 7!
My mother's dog is paper trained. How can I get her to clip and send me your columns instead of giving them to the dog?
For great justice.
Depends - Are you left-handed or right-handed?
If you do not answer this question in a thoughtful manner I will be forced to post large, outdated pictures of my children next to a blinking and hideously ugly "Website Under Construction" image. And no, I do not need your help with this so that I can complete a school project.
- - BTW, thanks for all the good "work" you do!
Are you at all related to Chris Barrie? Our favorite Arnold J. Rimmer?
Where can we download songs from your band?
If you're:
a) very secure and self-confident.
b) late for a meeting.
c) about to explode.
Then it is permissible to use #4 (assuming that no toilet stalls are open). Just remember that people will assume you are:
d) not a heterosexual.*
However, if you do not fit the first three criteria, you are required to stand back and wait for either urinals 1 or 3 to open up, while not actually looking like you're waiting. It is recommended that you use either the Handwashing Feint or the Hair Check Gambit. Your bathroom peers will assume you are either a hypochondriac or really vain, but either is preferable to looking like you're too chicken to just march up into the line.
Under NO condition are you allowed to use urinal #3.
I hope this clears up your question.
* Not that there's anything wrong with that.
You want the truthiness? You can't handle the truthiness!
Hey Dave, how about answers to next years Herald Hunt? I'll split the prize. Come on, I won't tell
I just had a dream the other night about you. Seriously!
I was in Brasil with my wife, and we were for some reason at a school. You showed up to give a speech to the school body - unshaven. You scurried off then and shaved before the presentation. I recal my wife and some other woman were "checking you out".
Questions: Do you often do presentations to schools in Brasil? Do you shave first? And my wife hasn't been emailing you or anything has she?
In your articles, changing the names to protect the innocent doesn't seem to be a concern. Has this ever caused legal problems or tension with your friends? For example, do your neighbors Steele and Bobbette ever share any interesting anecdotes about running into Dave Barry fans? Thanks for taking the time to answer.
-----
My favorite sig: "...I'd rather have my appendix removed by baboons weilding unsterilized tuna can lids..." -- Dave Barry
Public use of any portable music system is a virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies. -- Zoso
Too funny. Too true.
Good job recognizing the use of irony and facetiousness, moderators!
bet you'd mod his books down to -1 troll.
lord only knows what you'd do to scott adams!
---
Information wants...you to shut your pie hole.
Dave, I'd like to know how many times you drafted a column involving something related to Linux or the Open Source movement only to have it shot down by an editor thinking that it was not mainstream enough. (By the way, he/she would be absolutely correct IMHO!) I was so glad to see your new blog. I often wondered how the internet would be best put to use. --Peter
Check out our infosecurity industry blog: http://securitymusings.com/
I've come to the conclusion that the single worst song of all time is "My Sharona" by Knack. Observe:
What is the best way to cope with a bad song in your head? I personally favor slapping my forehead with my palm while shouting "Out! Out! Out!" but I've heard that some people have had great success by stabbing their shoulder with an ice pick.
As an expert on bad songs, I'm sure your insights into this matter can help alleviate a great deal of human suffering.
You want the truthiness? You can't handle the truthiness!
2004 Presidential ticket:
Dave Barry, President
Scott Adams, Vice President
Seriously, have you ever thought about working to change society instead of just making fun of it? You've shown you have a keen sense of what is important (boogers and sex), what is wrong (kids on planes), and how to fix it (buy random parts from appliance store). I'd vote for you.
The uncondensed sig, in honor of Dave: "I'm sorry, John, but my time is precious to me, and frankly I would rather have my appendix removed by baboons wielding unsterilized tuna-can lids than spend so much as five minutes listening to you and Elaine as you once again describe, item by item, in intricate detail, the late-night buffet on the cruise you took in 1983." -- Dave Barry
Public use of any portable music system is a virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies. -- Zoso
Dear Mr. Barry,
What are the specs of your home and work systems?
For example:
Is your processor a Pentium (which can, by the way, be rearranged to spell "u tip men")?
Do you use MySQL to house the world's database of toilet-snakes incidents?
What is the frequency of your CPU? Your booger jokes? Your auxillary backup dog's accidents?
Which spellchecker do you use, Mr. Language Person?
Thank you very much from a big fan,
Jamie Strachan
PS.,
Who cuts your hair? Weasels?
Dave, why did you hide all those ballots in Florida during the last presidential election, and how much did "W" pay you?
Which of the following is correct?
1. Jeez, Gomer! That thar Slammer worm shure could taked down a lot o' them thar servers!
2. Heavens, Gomer! Perhaps we should apply SP3 expeditiously to out SQL Server!
3. DuD3! Y0U'v3 b33N $Ql 5l@mM3D!
Dave,
Once upon a time I lived in Belize, and you comented on a letter from a friend who was in the Peace Corps. It caused an uproar - and nearly caused his expulsion from the Country.
So my question is: how mant wars have you personally started or can attribute to the differences in Humour worldwide.
Is this a better reason to go to war than say oil? Should the Administration be beratiing Iraq because of their appalling sense of humour?
What is the absolute BEST name for a Rock-N-Roll band? ;)
Someone declared Barry an Internet Expert? Gee, what's next?
... Gaping Maw.com article. It's number 2 on the list. And not for the easily offended.
What is music when you despise all sound?
You even said in that article, "and you think I'm kidding" so... all I have to say to that is, well, apparently, children are much more durable than computer hardware.
Do you think we should make computer hardware out of children?
"To confine our attention to terrestrial matters would be to limit the human spirit." -Stephen Hawking
Do you know Carl Hiaasen?
How do you become such a prominent columnist and get pulitzer non the less, by wrtiting humor columns that are not at all funny. Not even in the slightest.
Please mod this up i really want to know.
Leave it to slashdot to mention someone's blog, newsgroup, and peronsonal FAQ before the fact that they have a nationally syndicated humor column read by millions weekly.
/syle
Dave,
i sT ime
You are quoted as having said:
"I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me."
Dave Barry
Upon reading the questions posed to you on Slashdot;
Would you say that the people here are steering clear of you,
and
would you prefer that Slashdot not invite you to answer the questions - citing reasons of great respect.
CowardDueToSlashDot'sInabilityToAllowALogInAtTh
boxers or briefs?
"I don't care about the Constitution!" --Bill O'Reilly, November 17, 2009
Dear Dave, I recently heard your "band" Rock Bottom Remainders during the Miami International Book Fair. The right side of my face is now numb. Is this a common response to your band or was it simply Amy Tan?
Dear mr. Barry
Do you think "Slashing Dots" would be a good band name?
I didn't know "Tricky Business" existed. Neat.
I feel stupid ^_^
Irritable, left-wing and possibly humorous bumper stickers and t-shirts
Gotta love the karma whoring.
-Lucas
Do you think "fr0sty p0st slashdot trolls" is a good name for a band?
...just my 2 gil.
Ok, enough with the clever charade. When are you gonna get on with your *real* career? You play a mean guitar.
:)
Any possibility that you'll be touring the Northern Illinois area anytime soon?
What's it like trying to keep that Stephen King kid in line?
Come on, Tinkler, Tink!!
Dave,
A frequent motif in your weekly columns has been "this would be a great name for a rock band." E.g. ``Pain and Suffering?'' and Weasel Feet.'' My question is: are you aware of any band that has taken one of your suggestions to heart and named themselves after one of them?
In Soviet Russia you dant have to put up with these crappy jokes
So, let's say I start a rock band. If I wanted to use something that you had described as a good name for a rock band, what would I have do do to use it?
-- Of course I'm paranoid. I'm a sysadmin.
When you say you're not making this up, are you making it up?
C'mon Dave, you can tell me.
The two funniest newspaper names that Dave has ever mentioned in his columns (I swear, I am not making these up):
The "St. Louis Post-Dispatch" (as in, "Harlin's ferret really went crazy when it got stuck in his Post-Dispatch"), and the "Portland Oregonian" (as in, "That email promised to increase the size of my Oregonian!").
Compared to those, the "Kalamazoo Gazette" sounds about as normal as The New York Times.
Hi Dave,
In your opinion, does the Internet allow you to be more creative, or does the sheer volume of stuff out there just lead you to rehash existing material? How much surfing do you do?
Hi,
In all your years of writing:
- What changes do you find in your readers' responses to your column?
- How do think your writing has changed over time?
- What do you want to be when you grow up?
Ubi dubium ibi libertas: Where there is doubt, there is freedom.
How and when do you think the record companies will learn to use the Internet as a tool and not regard it as an enemy?
My spoon is too big.
why you and a few dozen other people posted Columbia debris on EBay for sale? How is this funny?
Are you a terrorist? How do you feel about *nix being classified recently, and rightfully so, as a hacking and terrorism too? Does your mother brush your hair still?
This is Jack Valenti's personal secretary. He is seeking a more fitting mode of transportation for a man of his stature. How exactly did you get permission to ride in the weinermobile? Thank you for your time.
Am I fat?
Ah, you must be French. Americans actually =wipe= our asses when we're done. Low-flow toilets choke on toilet paper.
Mr. Barry, I want you to know that your book Babies and Other Hazards of Sex cost me $10 in late fees from the library, because I found I could not read it late at night without waking my family, thanks to the hysterical laughter. Now that your son, Robert is All Grown Up (TM), has he has turned into his father? Does he publically admit to it? Regards,
--Storm
As long as humans must defecate, and they do so in a civilized manner at work, a room that is built to echo any noise as loudly as possible, the newspaper is essential. As nice and convenient as reading a newspaper on a laptop is, it will never be as comfortable an emergency "wiper" as the new york post.
I think a better question to ask Mr. Baily (May I call you that Dave?) would be to inquire his stance on giving away content versus charging for it.
I'm not talking just monetary compensation either. For example, you can contribute a non-contrite view to a conversation, you get the content for a reduced or free fee.
Oh, and Dale, I am truly your largest fan.
Despite my best efforts, I own many of your books, read your weekly columns, have several low-flow toilets and twice as many plungers. I also have the mp3's of your band "The Rock Bottom Remainders" from mp3.com. You might want to consider the name "The Low Flow Remainders" if you get my drift (and I am certainly tired of getting it). By the way, "Tupperware Blues" smokes - were you on vacation that day?
And (I am not making this up) I used to own a copy of the LP (note to Slashdotters-look "LP" up in your history books) by your original band "The Federal Duck" which I kept it in my garden shed to scare the spiders away. I had to get rid of the LP because my neighbors kept complaining that it was keeping their property values down so, 10 years ago, I gave it to a deeply disturbed record collector friend of mine. Ever since, the shed has been infested with spiders and my friend has refused to talk to me.
As you can see, my life is hell and most roads lead back to you. You will be hearing from my lawyers.
Now that that is out the way, I'd like to ask you the following:
Do you think that low-flow toilets are a terrorist device (possibly developed in France) and on a related note that Bush and the Saddam Destroyers would be a good name for a rock band?
Sigs are bad for your health.
Lets hope that interview is in print, and *not* on the radio or, god forbid, the tv.
-Sean
How do I download the Internet? It says you know a lot about the Internet and I can't figure out how to use this googley thing to download the Internet. Please help me.
That should be "George Bush and the Saddam-Destroyers".
Sigs are bad for your health.
Sorry, I had to try out the auto generator. Here, after some tweaking, is the Slashdot Dave Barry column:
Recently in Slashdot (motto: "Vi sucks donkey tail"), residents reported an outbreak of programming language debates. Perhaps you think there are no programming language debates in Slashdot. Perhaps you are an idiot.
As the French say, au contraire (literally: "You can't even code a bash script!!"). I have here in my hands a copy of an Associated Press article sent in by alert reader Rob, whose name can be rearranged to spell "RBO", although that is not my main point. "Rob", by the way, only has the letters "o" in in common with "Monica Lewinsky", so there is no other reason to mention Monica Lewinsky in this column.
According to a quote which I am not making up, from Slashdot Mayor Taco (formally "Mayor Taco" and informally "Smitty"), programming language debates ranks as a major crisis just behind DDD, gcc and emacs (insert your "gdb" joke here), as evidenced by the following conversation between Slashdot government employees:
FIRST SLASHDOT EMPLOYEE: "l053r"
SECOND SLASHDOT EMPLOYEE: "l053r"
FIRST SLASHDOT EMPLOYEE: "l053r"
Fortunately I have a suggestion for Mayor Smitty, and that is: smash George Steinbrenner's computer.
No, seriously, my suggestion does not involve George Steinbrenner's computer, although it might involve hacking the computers out from under Tobacco Institute scientists. My suggestion is more along the lines of a coup de grace, from the French coup, meaning "PROGRAMMING", and de grace, meaning "LISP!". The procedure (you may want to write this down):
1. use garbage for artistic case design
2. add a spell checker
But instead the Slashdot city council (motto: "We'll protect the corporations, not the people when you pry the mouse out of our cold, dead fingers") thinks that they (the programming language debates) will cause massive flame wars soon, sending this message to the public, and to the world: "L053rs!".
Speaking of which, "L053rs!" would be a great name for a rock band.
n/t
You can't handle the truth.
Hey Dave, I've been a native reader of the Washington D.C. area for my entire life, and I've enjoyed your column for years.
A while ago you wrote a column about the Illuminati's infiltration of the government. You said that the proof is that the pyramid with the eye above it symbol appears on some of the dollar bills. You further requested that any readers with such dollar bills mail them to you for investigation. Well, I rounded up all the dollar bills in my house, and much to my surprise, many of them bore the telltale mark of the Illuminati! I am eagerly awaiting your analysis of the Illuminati's infiltration of the government based on the evidence provided by my dollar bills. Thanks so much, Ben McIlwain.
Cyde Weys Musings - Scrutinizing the inscrutable
Recently, I looked for a specific old column to forward to a potential future fan (who had an experience that you wrote about) and discovered that is now almost impossible to find your older works on the 'net. It looks like someone has been pursuing the copyright issue. I could therefore only vaguely describe the column to him and a potential convert may have been lost.
So, in light of that and all that is going on with respect to the value of intellectual property rights and copyright vs. the marketing potential of having old works freely available, what is your view?
Sigs are bad for your health.
You must simply master the art of gentle persuasion. For example, if you're trying to sell a humor column to an editor, don't hand it to him and say, "This is some funny stuff. Read it." He won't believe you. Instead, pay his secretary twenty bucks to hand it to him and say, "Hey, this is some funny stuff. You should read it."
You see, most people are sheep. If you tell them something is very, very clever or funny, and they read it and don't find it terribly clever or funny at all, they figure that something must be wrong with them. Perhaps the humor is too deep, or relies on some inside joke that they're not getting. Rather than admit it, they'll pretend to laugh, and then recommend your work to all their friends.
An alternative tactic, if you lack the $20 or the editor lacks the secretary, is to put the column in a manila envelope, along with incriminating pictures of the boss and secretary. But the point is, all you need is to convince one person, and let them do the rest.
[Note to Edmund: This was meant to be funny, though I highly doubt you noticed.]
You want the truthiness? You can't handle the truthiness!
Have you ever been permitted to return to Japan? Random-House paying or not.
how much? whats he use to block it? whats his opinion to fix spam?
Can someone please tell me why they enjoy Dave Berry's work?
I was given a copy of the DB book mentioned above -- from a nongeek friend -- because it was 'sooo funny'. I have tried many times to read it. I know DB is a fairly popular writer, and having managed to mildly enjoy some of his short articles - i tried again recently... its just not working for me.
I find DBs humour sophomoric, trite and obvious. The smug literary equivalent of Martha Stewart, I found the work to be like the film "Dumb and Dummer" in print. Funny like a fart in church, DB must appeal to those who need their witticisms spoon fed to them.
Im sorry for having to dissent here, but to those who havnt read Dave Berry: I suggest you keep it that way.
This is a great question. It reminds me of some particularly moving comments made by Scott Adams in his newsletter shortly after September 11, 2001. I often wonder how humourists manage to make us smile even in the darkest times.
Modest doubt is called the beacon of the wise. - William Shakespeare
Hi Dave,
Let's talk toilets for a moment. Your previous articles regarding toilets were excellent. You pointed out some real problems with our current low flow toilets.
Believe it or not, I have recently been looking into composting toilets. These toilets use absolutely no drinking water. These toilets solve the sewage waste nutrient discharge problem. What do you think about composting toilets and would you please write an article about them?
Thanks,
Chip P.
Knoxville, TN
Dave - you get a great deal of material from being ignorant, clueless and otherwise mentally deficient in one way or another. Most of the people I know are in standup comedy, and many of them are similarly afraid of computers and ungeekly when it comes to technology in general... but a few just pretend, in order to 'fit in'. Virtually all of them are intelligent (you almost have to be, to do comedy successfully) but it's as if most of them consider themselves to be inherently unable to understand computers. And the few exceptions play along.
Are you really as awkward with computers as you say? And if so, is part of you afraid that if you learned more, you'd be less funny?
Perfectly Normal Industries
He did make the @!$@!~~# internet!
Dean Stark invented the internet!
It's obvious, once you progress enough and learn what Usenet is!
Yeesh!
Dave,
As you know, the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle postulates that the more precisely
the position is determined, the less precisely
the momentum is known. My question is: do you know your position or momentum? Inquiring minds want to know.
doug in Seattle
PS Do you think you are less funny, as funny, or more funny than Scott Adams? He gave me $5 to ask.
I find DBs humour sophomoric, trite and obvious.
What the heck are you doing at Slashdot? If you can't appreciate things that are "sophomoric, trite and obvious", maybe you should be spending your time at the Conservative Party of Canada's site (the spelling of "humour" gives you away, even without the sig. - don't get your knickers in a twist - I'm Canadian, too).
Actually, your written style comes across as trite and sophomoric. You obviously have no use for the subtle nuances of English grammar, such as the proper use of apostrophe's and proper capitalization. Quite frankly, people who, in writing, refer to themselves in the first person as "i", come across as, well, not terribly well educated.
Dave -
What did you think of the movie they made out of Big Trouble?
Joe
-- Nerds on toast in the new millenium
Recently in Dundas (motto: "Take your goddamn enchilladas with you."), residents reported an outbreak of defenestrators. Perhaps you think there are no defenestrators in Dundas. Perhaps you are an idiot.
As the French say, au contraire (literally: "Fsck you.!"). I have here in my hands a copy of an Associated Press article sent in by alert reader Simon, whose name can be rearranged to spell "SNIOM", although that is not my main point. "Simon", by the way, only has the letters "Simon" in in common with "Monica Lewinsky", so there is no other reason to mention Monica Lewinsky in this column.
According to a quote which I am not making up, from Dundas Mayor Hedgewick. (formally "Mayor Hedgewick." and informally "Jimmy-Bob"), defenestrators ranks as a major crisis just behind shaving, shitting and showering (insert your "being pissed off" joke here), as evidenced by the following conversation between Dundas government employees:
FIRST DUNDAS EMPLOYEE: "I'm outta here."
SECOND DUNDAS EMPLOYEE: "Yejooge Maria."
FIRST DUNDAS EMPLOYEE: "Stand up, and bend over!"
Fortunately I have a suggestion for Mayor Jimmy-Bob, and that is: surgically remove George Steinbrenner's testicles.
No, seriously, my suggestion does not involve George Steinbrenner's testicles, although it might involve pouring burning acid down the arseholes of Tobacco Institute scientists. My suggestion is more along the lines of a coup de grace, from the French coup, meaning "getting", and de grace, meaning "laid with really cute chicks". The procedure (you may want to write this down):
1. Compost it.
2. Use a plunger
But instead the Dundas city council (motto: "We'll represent, baby! when you pry the small rodent out of our cold, dead fingers") thinks that they (the defenestrators) will chuck people out of freaking windows. soon, sending this message to the public, and to the world: "My other car is a hearse.".
Speaking of which, "The Dundas Defenestrators Outbreak" would be a great name for a rock band.
no, really, mod parent up :)
Don't you think it's -totally- unfair that Al Gore lost the presidency to a bunch of little dots of paper, especially seeing as how he invented the Internet?
How do we know that this isn't just a plot on your part to get fresh material for you columns? Then again I could be you lurking amongst us.
Dave: How funny do you think it is that Kevin Mitnick has blown off /.'s request for Q & A?
is Linux ready for the desktop?
Sigs are bad for your health.
"Ask Internet Expert Dave Barry".
Wouldn't that be a great name for a rock band?
++ Say to Elrond "Hello.".
Elrond says "No.". Elrond gives you some lunch.
2) Throw $20 bills into the toilet, wave bye-bye and flush; or
3) Send all you money to Bill Gates now and get it over with?
Dave doesn't need to waste his time with the Television Zombies. Here's the answer:
If people wanted to hear from the television, they would be sitting in front of it instead of the computer.
Why the change to Martha Stewart for the movie? - Ben
"...I'll need guns" --Chow Yun-Fat in 'Replacement Killers'
Dave,
As a well known humorist, book author, sometime serious columnist (as evidenced by your 9/11 and Hiroshima columns), musician, father, husband, and geek (am I missing anything), what would you like your obit to say when and if (hey, who deserves eternal life more than Dave Barry, huh?) you die?
Personally its not God I dislike, its his fan club I cant stand (bash.org)
fortune -m "Dave Barry" | more
:)
:)
I know it works on a lot of the BSD's.
I suppose Dave's stuff has to be in fortune for that
to work, but I know it's in FreeBSD by default.
Enjoy.
The most important thing any republican needs to know.
Didn't you really make that up?
KFG
What kind of bribe will it take to get you to never use ALL CAPITALS and LOTS OF EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!! in your column ever again?
(The parenthetical comments can stay, though.)
No, REALLY, I'm serious!!!!
In a related story, the IRS has recently ruled that the cost of Windows upgrades can NOT be deducted as a gambling loss.
I was going to ask how you get your ideas for your columns. But after this whole Slashdot "Ask Dave Barry" thing is over, I figure you'll probably have enough high-quality material to last months.
When you inevitably write a Miami Herald column about how weird we all are, will you please have Mister Language Person explain to Slashdotters about exactly how to use apostrophes' (I'm sorry, I mean "apostrophe's") correctly?
Thank's.
Alert Reader Debbie.
What IS it about North Dakota that's so darned funny anyway?
Kevin Mitnick was supposed to answer our questions. Did I miss the response, or is he too busy discovering the wonders of por^H^H^H the Internet?
One simple rule for its versus it's
Dave, how has (PUT THAT DOWN!) parenthood changed (STOP BURNING YOUR BROTHER!) your humor and (DON'T EAT THAT! IT'S STILL CRAWLING!) your outlook on (WHERE'S MY VALIUM???) life?
.sig wanted. Inquire within.
Do fish feel pain? of course they do ,but i mean,pain,as we know it. I saw a show once where a kid jammed a boiling hot coconut with a toothpick stickin out if it into a fishes back to lure sharks to eat it and die from a hot coconut in the belly.fish didnt seem to mind and guided the hot coconut as planned.the sharks of course died but then sharks arent really proper fish are they really? fish also dont seem to mind when you clean em, i mean they flop as much before you behead them as after and that expression on their face never changes,now does it? Answer that one,smart guy!
*Repent!Quit Your Job!Slack Off!The World Ends Tomorrow and You May Die!
From Dave Barry in Cyberspace :
"Who really runs the internet?"
"A 13-year-old boy named Kevin."
THE GOOD HUMOR MAN CAN ONLY BE PUSHED SO FAR
Bart Simpson on chalkboard in episode 2F18
Doesn't every state have an "official state soil"? Mine's Antigo Silt Loam.
"Sic Semper Tyrannosaurus Rex."
I'm a longtime fan of yours-- and I was formerly a longtime resident of South Florida (I live in the NYC metro area now). I grew up reading your columns and articles in the Miami Herald (the "Dade vs. Broward" one is a personal favorite of mine) and my family still occasionally sends me clippings of your writings from the Herald. These writings of yours always make me miss South Florida even more than I do ordinarily, driving me to visit every opportunity I get.
Thus, my question: What is the best thing about living in South Florida?
At first, I thought your columns were just very funny, but airy without any deeper meaning. The more I read them (at least, recently), the more I've discovered excellent storytelling, and social and political commentary, although never terribly emphatic. How much do you view your writing as being about something other than making people laugh? What, if any, impact do you hope your columns to have, other than uncontrollable spasms of laughter and milk coming out of peoples' noses? It seems that you find gentle ways of poking fun at modern life, in ways that will probably offend almost no one (and thus can show up in all kinds of newspapers), but could be read as a much deeper criticism. Or am I reading too much into your columns?
I've heard you went to Pleasantville high school in New York, which is also where I happend to have graduated from. It is rumored that you and a group of students once dissasembled a Volkswagen Beetle, carried it into the building, and re-assembled it in senior hall as a prank. Is this true?
Recently in Slashdot (motto: "Begone, for I will fart soon!"), residents reported an outbreak of goblins. Perhaps you think there are no goblins in Slashdot. Perhaps you are an idiot.
As the French say, au contraire (literally: "Your code is non-optimal!"). I have here in my hands a copy of an Associated Press article sent in by alert reader CmdrTaco, whose name can be rearranged to spell "COMCDART", although that is not my main point. "CmdrTaco", by the way, only has the letters "Cmaco" in in common with "Monica Lewinsky", so there is no other reason to mention Monica Lewinsky in this column.
According to a quote which I am not making up, from Slashdot Mayor Lord Hemos (formally "Mayor Lord Hemos" and informally "Willy"), goblins ranks as a major crisis just behind Penguin Mints, Bawls and Jolt (insert your "Mountain Dew" joke here), as evidenced by the following conversation between Slashdot government employees:
FIRST SLASHDOT EMPLOYEE: "I only loved you for your money."
SECOND SLASHDOT EMPLOYEE: "Die you fool, Die!"
FIRST SLASHDOT EMPLOYEE: "Hey you!"
Fortunately I have a suggestion for Mayor Willy, and that is: defragment George Steinbrenner's jellyware.
No, seriously, my suggestion does not involve George Steinbrenner's jellyware, although it might involve confusticating Tobacco Institute scientists. My suggestion is more along the lines of a coup de grace, from the French coup, meaning "Eating", and de grace, meaning "all the pizza in the world". The procedure (you may want to write this down):
1. Slashdot it.
2. Call the BOFH.
But instead the Slashdot city council (motto: "We'll take money from you and give it to me when you pry the joystick out of our cold, dead fingers") thinks that they (the goblins) will eat human flesh soon, sending this message to the public, and to the world: "Cops are wusses.".
Speaking of which, "The Slashdot Goblins Outbreak" would be a great name for a rock band.
Go here to create your own Slashdot dis
...then how can you stand living next to all those Floridians!?
Now my computer doesn't recognise particular words unless I end them with a hoot of laughter.
Did you think this through before granting permission? Or was that your original plan?
"The most sensible request of government we make is not, "Do something!" But "Quit it!"
Having grown up on your humor (I was born right when your first 'baby books' started to hit the shelves and I went through everything when Rob did), I have always looked forward to Sundays, and of course new book releases. I hope I have read everything at this point; most probably many many times. I have far too many of your columns memorized! But anyway, having spent so much time reading all of your fantastic material, from the hilarious to the serious, I have to ask a question. I recently read Tricky Business, and I liked it, although not nearly as much as Big Trouble (I read it 3 times the first day I got it and grabbed the movie the minute it was released on DVD). My question is, why did you feel the need to write something that's so sordid compared to what we usually see? I refer here particularly to the scene with all the puking in it... I'm just curious if it has something to do with an antidote to all the 'gentler' stuff you write for family newspapers, or if your computer, bored (as you've said) with the task of sitting and waiting for you to come up with good descriptive terms, maybe up and wrote it all on its own, for fun. :)
Hi, Dave! I was wondering if you are going to write an autobiography. If so, you should call it "I Am Not Making This Up".
"Give a man a fish and he will ask for tartar sauce and French fries!"
instead of a writer, what would your spam be like? I'm glad you're not, but jeez - spam is so dull and boring - what would you do to liven it up?
They call the internet the world wide web, but whenever I go outside I never see it. I'd like to know why this is.
Is it fascism yet?
It's great that you've embraced the Web and have your own website. But it's even better that you have a weblog.
Weblogs, by their nature, are meant to be updated all the time. And while your articles and books are great there's something special when a celebrity such as yourself (and others, like the singer Moby and the actor Wil Wheaton), is willing to take on a project that really allows the fan to see you as one of us; as if we're holding a conversation.
Thus, do you recommend to your other high-profile friends, such as Rock Bottom Remainders band-mate Stephen King, to start a weblog instead of the rarely updated-type website?
Dave,
How did the fallout from Bill Maher's infamous 9/11 comment effect you?
"In response to guest Dinesh D'Souza's assertion that people who are willing to die in service to their cause, whatever else they may be, are not "cowards," Maher said: "We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly.".
Cheers!
Bill (a different one)
bamph
Dear Bonefish Dave,
You have written about so very many adventures, far too many to list here. Some of my favourite columns of yours include your column about trip to Bimini aboard Buster, the Great Mall of China, and, of course, the Pensacola Lawn Rangers.
What do you consider to be your greatest adventure to date?
(If you wrote about it, what book is it in, in case I somehow missed it!)
What is your favourite book? Yours / not-yours?
Jamie Strachan
Mr. Barry,
If you could somehow harness the power of the internet by enlisting a number of Slashdot readers, and using that power for good, what would you have us do?
For example,
- Create a Dave Barry Hive Mind? (DBHM(tm))
- Patrol the internet, looking out for bootleg copies of your jokes?
- Descend upon Miami for a huge literary research conference?
Thank you,
Jamie Strachan
Hi Dave,
As a fellow guitarist, I have to ask what is your favorite guitar, and what is the worst thing you have done to it?
Also, would you please critique The Hamster Song by my friend David Goodman. (Would the fact that he also lives in South Florida, and his name is Dave, unduly influence your opinion?)
My wife wants to know if you're available for dinner.
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana." - Marx
Who is the man who would risk his neck for his brother man?
a. Donald Rumsfeld
b. Al B. Sure
c. Shaft
d. Seve Ballesteros
e. Jack Lord
Dave,
Since I alerted you, many moons ago,to the Rome Lab Snowball Cam (a most worthy example of what the best and brightest military thinkers can do with lots of time and $$), I'd like to hear where you think the Internet/World Wide Web is headed given your experiences with the net as both a journalist and an average Joe user. No offense, Joe!
Thanks in advance.
One of many "Alert Readers" lurking on the 'Net.
Do they have a better track record on duplicate posts?
YOU FAIL IT, SUCKA!!!!!!!!!
I would like to hear your thoughts regarding nipples - pierced or un-pierced?
I like to ask you: what you expect of the internet in the near or far future??You believe when internet be most popular, the money of bill disappear?? and in your place appear the digital money.you believe in this theory?best regards. Blueice88
Dear Mr. Barry...how many bottles of beer did you guys drink before you were all singing the Tupperware Song in unison? (btw loved your comments in the Guide to Guys, an actual eye-opener to girls I believe :-) )