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Ask Slashdot: What's The Worst IT-Related Joke You've Ever Heard?
dryriver writes:
In just about any field of employment -- whether you're a 3D artist, a pastry chef or a lawyer -- there's an abundance of jokes related to the profession, or to situations commonly encountered during that profession. Some are pretty good, some so-so, and some are very, very bad.
What I want to know is, what are the absolute WORST computer or IT related jokes you've either heard from someone, found on the internet or possibly even invented yourself? And since this is Slashdot, feel free to throw in science-related jokes as well, provided that they are just as bad as the computer or IT jokes.
Leave your best answers in the comments. What's the worst IT (or science)-related joke you've ever heard?
What I want to know is, what are the absolute WORST computer or IT related jokes you've either heard from someone, found on the internet or possibly even invented yourself? And since this is Slashdot, feel free to throw in science-related jokes as well, provided that they are just as bad as the computer or IT jokes.
Leave your best answers in the comments. What's the worst IT (or science)-related joke you've ever heard?
If you don't watch your kerning, you'll end up keming
Windows 10
What's The Worst IT-Related Joke You've Ever Heard?
Pretty much anything Ajit Pai says to justify the eradication of net neutrality.
At home I simply connect to my DSL and it just works, why does it not work here?
I work in THEY
Then the need to finger uraunus followed by mounting it on titan...
He looks at your shoes when he's talking to you.
"It's not gonna take long..."
:loop
echo Radio Shack Sucks
goto loop
I deny that I have not avoided attaining the opposite of that which I do not want.
I wish end-user was a command!
X = -([squareroot] [infinity]) X = (i^2 * [infinity]) or (-1 * [infinity]) X = "A Black hole"
Yep, I second that. :)
It's even a better joke than Windows 9
aaaaaaa
What's "pieces of seven, pieces of seven"?
It's a parroty error.
and ... Microsoft is a technology company
'nuff said
"Hello Compaq? I bought a PC from you but I didn't order this coffee mug holder."
"I'm sorry, did you say 'coffee mug holder'? We do not offer such an accessory."
"Yes, my PC came with the coffee mug holder that flashes a little light and then pops out the front when I push this little button."
I deny that I have not avoided attaining the opposite of that which I do not want.
I can't even bring myself to repeat it!
politicians are like babies' nappies: they should both be changed regularly and for the same reasons
The FCC
"I like telling UDP jokes because I don't care if you don't get them."
Or the TCP variant:
" You wanna hear a TCP joke ?
You wanna hear a TCP joke ?
You wanna hear a TCP joke ?
You wanna hear a TCP joke ?
[...]"
You're that dude that made his own O/S in assembly right?
Q: Man comes along. Has a patch on his eye, bird on his shoulder. Bird is saying 'Pieces of Seven! Pieces of Seven!'. What's that?
A. Parroty Error!
making my code simpler by cutting down on the number of boolean literals I used. Turns out it was a false economy.
From http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/96/Jun/nosmoke.html
Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.
Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into
the AUTOEXEC.BAT that will take care of this.
Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with
this problem.
Customer: I know that there is something that I can put in...
some command... maybe it should go into the
CONFIG.SYS.
[After a few minutes of going round and round]
Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there
is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you
can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add
the last line as C:DOSNOSMOKE and reboot your
computer.
[Customer does this]
Customer: It is still smoking.
Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for
a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.
[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had
heard the last of this guy but NO... he calls back
four hours later]
Service Rep: Hello Sir, how is your computer?
Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply
is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need
to get a new one. I was wondering, where can I get it
done and how much it will cost..
One token ring to rule them all, and in the darkness bind them.
This space unintentionally left blank.
"Hello IT? I think my floppy drive on my work PC is broken. Every time I bring in a floppy from home it never works. Yes, it works fine at home. Yes, I saved everything correctly, shut off my PC, and then stuck the floppy up on the fridge so I'd find it easily in the morning. Yes, the fridge. Yes, with a fridge magnet. ...Hello... Hello IT?"
(props to Bob Newhart for the schtick)
I deny that I have not avoided attaining the opposite of that which I do not want.
Javascript is a programming language?
Agile?
From bash.org (hopefully the formatting is preserved).
#962213 +(451)- [X]
"Hi, I'd like to hear a TCP joke."
"Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?"
"Yes, I'd like to hear a TCP joke."
"OK, I will tell you a TCP joke."
"Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?"
"Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke."
"OK, I am about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, has 2 characters, it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline."
"OK, I am ready to get the TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has 2 characters, does not have a setting, and ends with a punchline."
"I'm sorry, your connection has been timed out."
"Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?"
I'm a minority race. Save your vitriol for white people.
Because they don't c sharp.
Isn't it the dude who killed his wife?
to To other side. get the
Why did the multithreaded chicken cross the road?
other to side. To the get
echo -e 'global _start\n _start:\n mov eax, 2\n int 80h\n jmp _start' > a.asm; nasm a.asm -f elf; ld a.o -o a;
Hello IT? My computer is frozen. All it says is "press any key" but there is no key marked "any" on my keyboard."
I deny that I have not avoided attaining the opposite of that which I do not want.
Win 9 never made it to consumers because 7, 8 , 9 .... (7 ate 9...)...
worst IT joke...
Q. How many support technicians does it require to change a lightbulb?
A. None as they just tell you to turn it off and on again...
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that don't.
Not funny. =(
That's our job.
There are 10 types people in the world: the ones who understand my joke and those who don't.
No it isn't. The parity of both seven and eight is the same:
Eight in binary = 1000, containing an odd number of 1s
Seven in binary = 0111, also containing an odd number of 1s
The set up should be "What goes pieces of nice, pieces of nine", as:
Nine in binary = 1001, containing an even number of 1s
They... Log In.
She was like chocolate when she drank... semi-sweet at first and then increasingly bitter.
The actual commandment is 'Don't Be Evil. We're Watching You'
Who is General Fault and why is he on my hard drive?
You say things that offend me and I can deal with it. Can you?
We're here to help!
(I admit, that one is old)
What do F-18 pilots and internet addicts have in common.
They break out in cold sweat if they get NO CARRIER.
We used to have a Bill of Rights. Now, with the rights gone, all we have left is the bill.
1st price:
- Apple really knows usability, you should keep an eye on them and do what they do.
Strong runner up:
- Google really knows usability, you should keep an eye on them and do what they do.
Slashdot
Two CPU's walk into a bar. Cpu1: Have you had any good forks lately? Cpu2: No, but I'm in a relationship with a process.
And god said "Go forth and multiply"
Came the snakes and said "Oh lord allmighty, we cannot follow your command, for we are adders."
Thus spoke the lord "Go and fell those trees and build furniture out of them. For adders can multiply with the aid of log tables".
We used to have a Bill of Rights. Now, with the rights gone, all we have left is the bill.
Our team manager brought in some cookies to say "thank you" for our recent coding sprint, but I wouldn't have any. I told her, "I'm sorry, but I don't accept third-party cookies."
I've got a fever and the only prescription is more COBOL.
I got asked in job interview what was best IT joke i knew and this was only one i could think of at the time: Why is windows 10 afraid of windows 7?, Because windows 7 ate 9
Q: Why is Christmas identical to Halloween?
A: Because Dec 25 equals Oct 31.
Three engineers are taking a roadtrip. After a while the car stutters and dies.
The first engineer, a mechanical engineer, say: "This is obviously my area - I'll fix the problem."
He steps out, opens the hood, removes the engine, picks it apart, cleans it and puts it back together. It purrs like a kitten.
"We are ready to go on".
After a few miles the car stutters again and then dies a second time.
The second engineer, an electrical engineer, say: "Move out of the way old timer. Modern car have electrical systems, so this is my area - I'll fix the problem."
He steps out, opens the hood, starts yanking out cables and rewires the electical system. The car starts like it was brand new.
"We are ready to go on".
After yet another few miles the car stutters and then dies a third time.
The third engineer, the computer scientist, say: "Well, good effort guys. But the cars of today are computerized, and this is my area - I'll fix the problem."
He then continues: "Let's all step out of the car. Now, close the doors." He waits a few seconds and then say: "Now we can open the doors and continue the journey".
---
The sad thing is that it contains a grain of truth - in our world this is often a way to "fix" things. Reboot them see if it fixed the problem.
How any tech support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
"That's strange! We have an exact copy of your light bulb here, and it's working perfectly. Have you tried turning it off and on?"
git add .
git vommit
There are only two really difficult things in programming:
- Naming
- Cache invalidation
- Off-by-one errors
"Hello, customer support, the cup holder in my PC is broken."
If you gave me a choice between a printer and a giraffe with explosive diarrhoea, i'll get my ladder and my raincoat
? Who is the hackers least favorite actor?
! Error Flynn
(there were some other equally bad jokes that I unfortunately can't remember right now)
One of our team spilled half their orange soda all over the fast food table we were eating at... When the third or fourth of us started wiping it up with our napkins, the boss asked, "Geez, how many network engineers does it take to clean up a spill??"
I just stated I wasn't sure, we didn't have a MOP.
(Maintenance Operations Protocol)
I had a sucky sig.
He looks at your shoes when he's talking to you.
Ah, I've heard this one a loooooooong time ago told about mathematician.
"What's the difference with a introvert vs extrovert mathematician? -- While having a conversation latter keeps his eyes on your shoes instead of his own".
*everything is working fine*
Mgr: "...Everything is working fine. What do we even pay you for?"
*something breaks*
Mgr: "Everything is broken... What do we even pay you for?"
...helps you fit 4 digits into your date instead of 2.
This is the funniest joke in here so far. I laughed out loud here at work because it's so relatable.
And Firefox 57.
Recursion walks into a bar
- Look, everyone, recursion is here! Tell us one of your stories!
- I remember that time when I walked into a bar...
Recursion walks into a bar
Custom Solvers 2.0 = Alvaro Carballo Garcia = varocarbas.
Still one of my favorites! Hahaha! SO TRUE!
http://evilrouters.net/achievement-unlocked/
Q: How many Bash commands does it take to display a structure of files and directories?
A: Tree.
lucm, indeed.
Posted at comp.os.linux.advocacy
How would a developer test a chest of drawers?
He'd try the first drawer.
It it opens then it would be fine
If it doesn't open then that must mean that it's locked which is also fine
And there's no point in trying the other drawers as they are exact copies if the first one.
"It worked fine in development, it must be your environment"
PHB: 'Just write the website in .net, it will be able to do everything, microsoft made it!'
Me: '...'
Me in my head: 'Is this guy insane?'
The two most difficult problems in computer Science are cache coherency, naming things and off by one errors.
09F91102 no, 455FE104 nope, F190A1E8 uh-uh, 7A5F8A09 that's not it, C87294CE no. Ah! 452F6E403CDF10714E41DFAA257D313F.
My favorite oldie is this one:
Yip yip yip yip yip.
*BANG*
NO TERRIER
Another one that got me was this ancient one:
[Khassaki] HI EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!
[Judge-Mental] try pressing the the Caps Lock key
[Khassaki] O THANKS!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW!!!!!!!
[Judge-Mental] fuck me
http://www.bash.org/?835030 is the source of the second one.
Freedom = (Meaningful - Coerced) Choice != (Speech | Beer^2), and sad sock puppets' bad mods avail them naught.
... is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
There are 10 kinds of programmers in the world, those that understand binary, and those who don't.
Knock knock. Race condition. Who's there ?
...
Yeah, it reminds of turning on turning on debug printfs in some crippled customer embedded system because the JTAG doesn't work and seeing it's all fubar because the locking also doesn't work.
echo -e 'global _start\n _start:\n mov eax, 2\n int 80h\n jmp _start' > a.asm; nasm a.asm -f elf; ld a.o -o a;
man bash
Because he only had transisters!
Imagine big-band music now, and kazoos etc.
He's making a database
He's sorting it twice
SELECT * FROM KIDS WHERE BEHAVIOR="NICE"
SQL Clause is coming to town
An IT tech support guy goes to the doctor:
IT: Doctor, my stomach hurts.
Doc: Strange, it works fine for me.
All perfect punchlines to awful it jokes.
ITIL.
Agile.
BMC Remedy.
Take your pick.
An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a civil engineer were arguing over what sort of engineer God is.
The electrical engineer said, "Just look at human nervous system! Only an electrical engineer could design that!"
The mechanical engineer said, "But what about the human skeleton and musculature? Obviously He was a mechanical engineer!"
The civil engineer said, "You're both wrong. God HAS to be a civil engineer, because only a civil engineer would put a sewage pipeline right down the middle of prime recreational real estate!"
Ajit Pai
What happens when you cross your wife with an IBM? You have a wife who will never go down.
How does an IT girl in a skirt differ from an IT girl in jeans?
Access time.
Bob: Hey, how do I leave this channel? .quit
Frank: Easy, just type
Bob: Type what?
[Frank has left the channel]
Bob: Sucker!
Anne: lol
Sent from my Tianhe-2 (MilkyWay-2).
"So where's the spec for this project?"
"How long is the testing phase?"
"Who writes the documentation?"
const int one = 65536; (Silvermoon, Texture.cs)
SJW, n: "Someone I don't like, and by the way I'm a fuckwit" - AC
Wjhy is Halloween like Christmas for a programmer?
Oct31 equals Dec25
What do you get when you put an AI into an old scientific HP calculator?
An AI that talks like Yoda.
We used to have a Bill of Rights. Now, with the rights gone, all we have left is the bill.
unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep
What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
The car salesman knows when he is lying to you.
There was a pause and everyone laughed except for the scrum politkommisars.
---- The above post was generated by the Turing Institute. Maybe.
Why is the Linux army superior to the Windows army?
Because we can customize our Colonels, know how to protect Private Data and General Protection Fault is on the other team.
We used to have a Bill of Rights. Now, with the rights gone, all we have left is the bill.
Women don't do IT because of discrimination.
Unplug your keyboard and boot up the computer, and you'd get this message on Win 98 and earlier versions :
"Keyboard not detected. Press any key to continue."
How is a blonde like a computer? You don't appreciate either one until it goes down on you.
Do you know what Ethernet is ?
It's what you use to catch the Ether Bunny
It is said that if you play a Windows 95 installation CD-ROM in reverse, you can hear satanic laughter. But here's the worst: if you play it forward, it installs Windows 95!
Slashdot has had moderation since it started. If you want to go somewhere where moderation doesn't exist....start your own website.
And you were modded to -1 (offtopic, flamebait, troll) because this is a IT humor topic, not a gun debate thread.
Do try to keep up.
I asked my cousin what he wants to be when he grows up He replied “I want to help scanners and computers talk to each other” So he wants to be a Twain driver
Customer: My network is down. IT: You lost your token, it fell out of the ring. You'll need to get under the desk and look for it.
It all starts at 0
Idiots Become Managers
It's Being Mended
Incompatible Bits (of) Machinery, and
I've Been Misled
Cue: Hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
has obviously never pirated Windows.
Easy response: managing windows and windows users!
Higuita
Hahaha!
It's Basically Manual
Income Before Morals
I Break Marriages
I use this to gauge the relative age of an audience:
Did you hear that IBM finally came up with an object oriented COBOL?
It's called "Add 1 to COBOL giving OBJECT-ORIENTED-COBOL".
(And, yes, I know that IBM actually *does* have object oriented cobol)
(For those who don't get it, note that "++" is the increment operator in C, thus "C++" is just C incremented. COBOL's verbosity means that the same operation requires the code above, although "Add 1 to COBOL" should be enough)
Do you have ESP?
n/t
Envious of the success of C++, COBOL engineers created their own object-oriented version, and called it ADD ONE TO COBOL GIVING COBOL.
Worse -
He looks at your shoes when he's talking at you.
Knock knock. Who's there? IMAP. IMAP who?
There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who don't.
"Array!"
'MS Works' - and they actually offered that joke for money...
605413? Yes, it's a prime.
Sales Weenie walks over to my office holding a coffee cup.
"You should be proud of me, I installed java this morning"
Husband: How do you Sync your phone ?
Wife: Put it in the bath tub.
(Invented by myself): What's Java's garbage collector's environment variable?... recycle.
THIS is the year of Linux on the Desktop!
Ajit Pai
"stuff that matters"
R.I.P. slashdot
but you might not get it
Inshallah Burak Ma'lesh
"If God wills it, maybe tomorrow... Nevermind."
him: Hey I just bought a new computer but it won't start ...
me: Have you plugged it in ? Is your power bar on ?
him: Yes, I plugged everything, the monitor even turn on!
me: Ok, is your power supply button on the back to the on position too ?
him: Yes, I tried fiddling with it, I turn the key and nothing happen! Do I have to hold it there long ?
me:
There are 2 hard problems in distributed messaging:
2. Guarenteed exactly-once delivery
1. Guarenteed in-order delivery
2. Guarenteed exactly-once delivery
No it isn't. The parity of both seven and eight is the same: Eight in binary = 1000, containing an odd number of 1s Seven in binary = 0111, also containing an odd number of 1s The set up should be "What goes pieces of nice, pieces of nine", as: Nine in binary = 1001, containing an even number of 1s
So I guess this is what you call a parody error?
I wrote an OS in assembly and was proud of it. It was an assignment in college.
walks into a cocktail bar.
The barman asks : 'What are you having?'
The machine learning algorithm looks around.
"I'll have a mix of what everyone else is having."
I worked tech support for a stationary company that wanted to expand into computers. It was a family business, with the father giving a department to each of his kids. They were not a 'loving family unit'. Each department was a kingdom, and territory was fought over tooth and nail. So to order a computer for someone, I would have to order the base unit from the computer department. Any additional hardware like video cards and mice through the service department, and any software through the stationary department, which would only put in one order per month, no matter what. And naturally, if it took a whole month for the entire computer to get assembled, it was my fault.
I'm just popping out to flush some logs, check the backend capacity and wipe my cache...
and paper
that when IT colleagues drive in a car and it stops due to a malfunction, the first thing they do is all get out from the car, close doors, and then get back inside, before trying to start the engine again.
An allusion on restarting computer.
No it isn't. The parity of both seven and eight is the same:
Eight in binary = 1000, containing an odd number of 1s
Seven in binary = 0111, also containing an odd number of 1s
The set up should be "What goes pieces of nice, pieces of nine", as:
Nine in binary = 1001, containing an even number of 1s
So I guess this is what you call a parody error?
It's a parody parroty parity error!
Let's all get together to make fun of it, and have a parody parroty parity error parody party..
http://www.geoffreylandis.com
APK killed the wife of the guy who made his own OS in assembly? Or the guy who made his own OS in assembly killed APK's wife?
Ezekiel 23:20
A QA Engineer walks into a bar. He orders a beer. He orders 0 beers. He orders 9999999999 beers. He orders -1 beers. He orders a lizard. He orders asldkfjinw. He orders....
systemd, closely followed by its proponents.
Confucius say, "Find worm in apple - bad. Find half a worm - worse."
C:\DOS
C:\DOS\RUN
RUN\DOS\RUN
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
7 ate 9! GET IT!! HA Ha HA!
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, that is a hardware problem.
W out W a code . W a code . PRIMAL .
W out W a code `QT a code . W out W `
W out W a code W W a code . W out W `
STOICAL a code . W a code . PRIMAL .
W out W a code . W a code . W out W `
W out W a code . W a code . W out W `
W out W a code SIMON a code PRIMAL .
Girl are you sitting on the F5 key?
Because that ass is refreshing!
You still using Internet Explorer?
You must like it nice and slow...
Are your pants a compressed file?
Because Iâ(TM)d love to unzip them.
Letâ(TM)s skip the other six layers..
And get straight to the Physical
there are only 10 types of people in the world those who understand binary and those who don't.
Calvin:Do you believe in the devil? Hobbes:I'm not sure man needs the help.
Bill Nye.
A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineering are playing golf and are stuck behind a group of guys who are playing really slow.
One of them ask the greens keeper why the group ahead is so slow. He replies that the group ahead are blind ex firemen who saved the field house last year when it caught fire. We were so grateful that we let them play golf whenever they want for free.
The Priest said: That's so sad, I'll remember to say a special prayer on Saturday.
The Doctor said: I have a friend who handles cases like this. I'll ask him if there is anything he can do..
The Engineering: Looks down at his shoes and says, "Can't these guys play at night?"
I'm from Microsoft and I'm here to help...
#DeleteFacebook
Our job isn't done until you can't do yours.
You mean TempleOS?
Terrence Andrew Davis? is that really you?
Sorry, teleporters just kill you and then make a copy. A perfect, soul-less copy.
The best part is that Slashdot has a limit to how many times you can mod the same person, specifically to prevent mod bombing. If he had an account and logged in, no single mod would be able to hit him more than a few times, without months before being able to do it again. By always posting AC, anybody can use up every mod point on his posts. Not that we get much of a chance, since someone else has usually modded them down already.
But his posting style is so annoying that if he did log in, he'd be modded down to the "posting at -1" level in no time. Most people can make the occasional karma-whore post to recover from some bad down-mods, but he can't make posts that people will like enough to not mod down, much less like enough to mod up, so even making an account wouldn't help.
Found the list of my old, old jokes on the Internet:
>-------- The information went data way --------<
2 + 2 = 5 (for extremely large values of 2)
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened...
Access denied - nah nah na nah nah!
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers. (Leonard Brandwein)
Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
Blessed are the pessimists, for they make backups!
Blessed is the end-user who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Bugs come in through open Windows.
Buy a Pentium so you can reboot faster.
C combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
Calm down. It's only ones and zeros.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
COFFEE.EXE not found: (A)bort, (R)etry, (F)all asleep
Coffee sweetened with NO-DOZ...Programmers' fuel
COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.
Computer programmers don't byte - but they nybble a bit.
Computers are God's way of telling you that you're not confused enough.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers can never replace human stupidity
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
Doing linear scans over an associative array is like trying to club someone to death with a loaded Uzi. (Larry Wall)
Don't anthropomorphize computers - they hate that.
Don't byte off more than you can view.
The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
FATAL SYSTEM ERROR: Press F13 to continue...
Fax is stranger than fiction
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
The geek shall inherit the earth.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. (Robert R. Coveyou)
Give a man a program, frustrate him for a day.
Teach a man to program, frustrate him for a lifetime.
Great groups from little icons grow.
Hold a hard drive to your ear - listen to the C:
How many computer programmers would it take to change a light bulb?
None - that's a hardware problem.
I hit the Control key but I'm still not in control!
I keep hitting 'escape,' but I'm still here.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. (IBM Chairman Thomas Watson, 1943)
If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
If you touch any key, our software will lock up. Call us and we'll blame it on Microsoft. (Scott Adams)
It said "Insert disk #3", but only two will fit!
Implementing systems is 95% boredom and 5% sheer terror.
The Linux philosophy is 'Laugh in the face of danger'. Oops. Wrong One. 'Do it yourself'. Yes, that's it. (Linus Torvalds)
MacIntosh computers are made by geniuses for idiots; IBM computers are made by idiots for geniuses.
Microsoft isn't evil, they just make really crappy operating systems. (Linus Torvalds)
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
New Adages:
ASCII and you shall receive.
ROM wasn't built in a day.
Byte the bullet.
Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
On a clear disk you
% make fire
Make: Don't know how to make fire. Stop.
% why not?
No match.
% gotta light?
No match.
What do you call a Mexican data center? A Cholo-cation.
There are 10 types of people in this world; those that understand binary and those that don't.
https://www.chroniclesofgeorge.com/tickets1.html
Havening
"Huh huh huh, 2400 bps sucks!"
- V.bis & Baudhead
unzip; strip; touch; grep; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; umount; sleep
A woman asked her programmer husband to run to the store for her.
"Run to the store and get a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
The husband comes back with 12 gallons of milk. "They had eggs."
Just junk food for thought...
"I can't change the information about you because it's in the computa!"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker would destroy civilization.
Ok that made me laugh out loud. And I'm surprised I've never seen it before.
Half-Life 3.
Which has more power: the hammer, or the anvil?
I wish there were a way to mod posts "no replies allowed," which would limit the trolling.
News for nerds, stuff that matters.
Not IT, still it fits:
A programmer is at home, and tells his wife: "Hey, going out to grab some bread. Anything you need ?". She replies: "Oh, yes, if they have eggs please bring 6". So he goes, and returns after a short while with 6 freshly made bread.
She asks "Why did you bring 6 bread ? We're only two.". And he replies "They had eggs".
student 1: "my laptop seems heavier" student 2: "your hard drive must be full"
Talk about Breaking Bad
How many Indians would it take to restart the PC?
3, actually. 2 on the phone but 1 isn't in your office--he's in calcutta. The final Indian is the one you recently hired.
FWIW, today's captcha is recurs
Remember, as engineers you only get two nibbles per byte.
From my redneck friend...
An Arkansas redneck was hitching through Houston and was picked up by a Texas redneck. A few minutes into the ride, the Texan spotted a geek, pulled out his gun, and fired two shots in that direction.
"What are you doing?" inquired the Arkansan?
"Geek season opened yesterday," replied the Texan.
A few minutes later, the Texan stopped at a 7-11 to buy beer. While he was inside the store, a big "DELL" truck jack-knifed on the highway and crashed spilling thousands of new laptops all over the highway. Dozens of geeks jumped out of their cars to grab the loose laptops.
The Arkansan pulled out his gun and started firing in their direction, but the Texan ran up yelling "Stop!", and yanked the gun out of his hand.
"But...you said geek season had opened!" complained the Arkansan.
"Yeah," replied the Texan, "But it's against the law to bait 'em."
Once upon a midnight dreary,
While porn I surfed, weak and weary,
Over many a strange and spurious site of "hot chicks galore".
While I clicked my fav'rite book mark,
Suddenly there came a warning,
And my heart was filled with mourning,
Mourning for my dear amour.
"Tis not possible!", I pleaded,
But my browser, so conceited,
Remained blank, then I repeated,
Just a blank and nothing more.
With a scream, I was defeated,
For my cookies were deleted,
So I begged, no longer seated,
"Give me back my free hardcore!"
Then, in an answer to my query,
Through the net I loved so dearly,
Came its answer, dark and dreary:
Quoth the server, 404.
Have gnu, will travel.
Why is Halloween the same as Christmas?
Because Oct 31 == Dec 25
An IT proffesional asks Slashdot: Why is Windows so much faster and more stable than Linux and Mac OS?
He orders -1 beers. He orders a lizard. He orders asldkfjinw. He orders....
He walks into a bar and leaves without ordering anything, then enters again?
Ezekiel 23:20
That chicken should have used Rust
Cue: Hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
Was it a #2 pencil?
Man woman
Try it.
Post may contain irony: discontinue use if experiencing mood swings, nausea or elevated blood pressure.
>that's a very forward declaration
>can my class access your private parts
and so on
He also orders alert(âoehelloâ);.
When someone has an issue with code, I sometimes say that it sounds like a real BUT4. Only so they can ask:
What is a BUT4?
Works great via messaging apps at work if you use them.
It hurts when IP
Two phones walk into a bar and th
Anyone?
To those that grew up in the 80s.
What do you get when you cross Lee Iaccoca with Dracula?
AUTOEXEC.BAT
*ducks*
Thank you! I'm here all week.
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem.
This is my sig, there are many like it but this one is mine
After the ark lands Noah stands at the ramp as the animals leave in pairs. To each he says, go forth and multiply.
Two snakes come up, and Noah bids them go forth and multiply. They look at each other, look back at Noah, and then say, "We can't, we're adders."
To which Noah says go forth, cut down trees and make a pile of 16 foot lengths. The snakes say, why?
"Everyone knows even adders can multiply with logs".
OR
Three employees of an IT firm are driving to a customer appointment. They get a flat tire. The salesperson says, "Ooops, we have to call back to technical support - we're not supposed to touch company equipment." The hardware person says, "Hell, it's only a flat tire, we can change with the jack." The software guy, says, "Heck, we can just turn the car off and back on, and it should go away."
OR
Three technic geeks wake up freezing in a cabin. Wood but no match. The physicist says "We should be able to find flint-like material to strike". The chemist says "I think I saw the right chemicals in the kitchen." The mathematician says "Assume we have a match" and rolls over.
The lizard was absolutely delicious, by the way.
Table-ized A.I.
That is one of my all time favorite jokes!
There are too many true funny incidents happening in IT. No jokes needed.
Why do you have to press the START button to shut windows down?
A SQL query walks into a bar. He goes up to two tables and says "may I join you?"
An SQL query walks into a bar and sees two tables. He walks up to them and says 'Can I join you?'
---
Niklaus Wirth is the inventor of the Pascal programming language. His surname is pronounced "veert" in Europe and "worth" in the United States. In Europe he's called by name; in America he's called by value.
Back in the day I ran across a site that had a huge list of purportedly real-life IT stories, like the cup holder, the floppy magnet, the foot-pedal mouse, and others. For whatever crazy reason the host had titled it with some non-intuitive word (spam, I think?) that the host insisted was valid usage, but makes it probably un-searchable these days.
So, here's a few of my favorite real-life IT moments.
Them: It's not working.
Me: Is it plugged in?
Them: Yes.
I walk over, check the power cord, and it's unplugged.
Them: Oooh, I didn't check that end of the cord.
Them: I can't play this DVD.
Me: Um, you only have a CD drive.
The user's password is on a post-it on their monitor. It was their initials and their date of birth. I still don't know why they needed the reminder.
Email from customer: Help
Me, in email: How can I help?
Them, in second email: I can't send email.
Me: It looks like you just did.
Them: Can you give me a copy of my predecessor's files?
Me: Sure. There's a lot, though. Which ones do you need?
Them: You do it. It's too unsecure for me to tell you which ones.
Me: I'm just worried about file space. You can have any or all of them if you want.
Them: That doesn't sound very safe. You tell me.
Me: I can't really tell you what files you need.
Them: My mouse is jumping around.
Me: Oh, it's just got a little dirt inside. It's easy to clean.
Them: Can't you just buy me a new one instead?
Director: I got a new computer. Can you drive out to my house to set up email for me?
Me: Okay.
I drive out and find the new computer is a laptop.
Me, on phone with ISP: We can't receive email.
ISP: We'll look into it and get back to you.
Me, four hours later: Can I get an update?
ISP: We found the problem and emailed you a fix hours ago.
Them: I'm trying to use Greg's computer but it won't come on.
I troubleshoot and discover user is pressing the monitor button.
Me: Look for the box, and press that button instead.
Them: Box? I don't see one. Greg took his laptop with him. Does that mean I can't use it?
Me: do you have a desktop or a laptop?
Him: I've got both.
Me: which are we using?
Him: well, it's a desktop right now.
Me: Huh? Desktop right now?
Him: Sometimes it's a laptop but right now it's a desktop.
Me: You mean your laptop is plugged into a dock?
Him: yeah.
Me: Okay, that still counts as a laptop.
Them: The printer is working, but it's not printing .... it's ... it's not printing, but it's working?
Me: what does working but not printing mean?
Them: Well, I don't know, but it's
Me: Well, in what ways is it working if it's not printing?
Them: I don't know. Can't you just come over here and fix it?
I come over. The printer is not plugged in.
Them: My computer won't play sound.
I adjust the volume slider. The computer beeps.
Them: Well, I thought it was the sound, but, it won't play this voice mail.
I double-click the file, and it runs for one second and ends.
Me: I think it's just a hang-up.
Them: Oh, nevermind then.
Her: I'm trying to opposite-click X, but it's not working. ...
Me: Uh, most people call it right click.
Her: Yeah, but it's the opposite button, so I call it opposite click.
Me: You know, if you use a term that nobody else understands, they probably won't understand you.
Her: So anyway, I'm trying to opposite-click this file, and
Him: I'm getting spam from myself! Help!
Me: Addresses can be faked.
Him: Ah.
Her: I used to be able to use my work computer at home, but the wireless stopped working.
Me: Hm, it seems to work here in the office.
Her: Yeah, it's fine here, just not at home. It use to work but now it wants a password.
Me: Uh, let's back up. Do you have wireless installed at home?
Her: No. I just grab something from the list of wireless networks. But now they have passwords.
Me: Oh, you've been stealing w
The Quirkz Handbook of Self-Improvement for People Who Are Already Pretty Okay
Someone told me because I was white I was privileged.
First read it round about 2000, no idea how old it actually is:
http://www.webaugur.com/bazaar/53-what-if-operating-systems-were-airlines.html
What's the difference between a used car salesman and a computer salesman?
The used car salesman knows when he is lying.
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I had a friend who worked for Gateway computer and informed me that not only did this happen but a common complaint was that the coffee cup holder broke off when used. ( we are of coarse talking about CD drives )
âoeTolerance applies only to persons, but never to truth. Intolerance applies only to truth, but never to persons.
Why is a drunk person like a computer?
You have to punch in the information.
There are two kinds of people:
- those who claim that all men are equal
- those who say that people are all different
- those who divide mankind into two categories
How many Software Engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, that's a Hardware problem.
What does the pirate sysadmin use to back up her computer?
Taaaaarrrrrr
My PC cannot see the printer ...
Try to turn the monitor.
1. Q: What's the difference between windows and a virus?
A: You pay for windows.
2. Back in the mid-nineties, friends introduced me to the idea that you never win with Windows, you only lose, so they referred to Lose 95. Worked just as well with Lose 98... and the *perfectly* named Lose ME.
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Just forms a multi-layer tablecloth that protects the desk from coffee stains.
And the books prop up my monitors to the right height.
Where are we going and why are we in a handbasket?
It means "Write once," and then "run anywhere" but we'll track you down no matter where you run.
Where are we going and why are we in a handbasket?
APK you suck at conspiracy theories. I mean you're really lame. Please stick with your Hosts Engine trolling. Thanks.
"This is the year of Linux on the desktop."
Except that's a lie. The moment you find out about the other account, you and your shitposting mods will be all over it like goat fuckers fighting over a goat. Meanwhile, creimer has you safely contained to "cdreimer" for now.
[genie] I am a magic genie, rub my lamp three times and type your wish
[luser] My lucky day!! How do I rub your lamp?
[genie] Press +
(luser has left the channel)
Q: What does a sysadmin eat for breakfast?
A: "cron" flakes
dom
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You should stop posting & spamming under this account, and only use your new username that is frequently upmodded.
Coles Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
-- from the Fortune program
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is that I don't care if you get it or not
Forth
and PEBKAC both come to mind. As does the classic "The software isn't finished until the last user's dead".
Hi! I make Firefox Plug-ins. Check 'em out @ https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/youtube-mp3-podcaster/
Exponential to the power of x is sitting by himself in a bar. The bartender says: "hey man, you look lonely, why don't you integrate?" To which Exponential to the power of x replies: "Nah, it won't make a difference"
I'll get my coat...
This is my sig, there are many like it but this one is mine
Not original to this web site ... https://meyerweb.com/other/humor/osbeers.html
Clearly time for extensions...
Assuming that every AC is Chris is what make these shitpostings so hilarious.
A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low. Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
yes, computers need hardware so Computer Engineering is part of IT.
Note: read the following sentence as written quickly or you spoil the joke.
"Why can't electrical engineers tell jokes timing".
âoeTolerance applies only to persons, but never to truth. Intolerance applies only to truth, but never to persons.
A successful tour of duty at mAGIClEAP (magicleap)
oh and the hope of gathering actual news for nerds here.. (well in recent times any way)
OpenMP is where it's at, cat
https://bisqwit.iki.fi/story/h...
echo -e 'global _start\n _start:\n mov eax, 2\n int 80h\n jmp _start' > a.asm; nasm a.asm -f elf; ld a.o -o a;
"Excellent advice" and no grammar mistakes - of course it wasn't creimer!
APK is being too polite.
It's cute that you honestly think you've fooled anyone into believing that APK and you are two different people.
Bruce Schneier once taught Chuck Norris to divide by zero, in an elevator, blind-folded!
Well I guess creimer has cleverly defeated us, his pedobear trolls. That sneaky tub of lard is just too slippery for us! Who could have predicted he would foil our evil schemes by acting like a normal person!!
In game of thrones, ofc the final scene is between Jon and his new archenemy the ice dragon.
Jon Snow fights the dragon and cut of his head. By magic 2 heads grow back.
Jon Snow still inspired cuts both of the newly emerged heads. Again by magic 4 heads grow back.
Again he cuts the heads, 8 heads grow back....
Eventually Jon Snow fights the 256 headed dragon and valiantly slashes all its heads and by magic the dragon dies.
Everyone wonders why the dragon died, to which Jon Snow replyed:
It was an 8 bit-size dragon
A: So IBM has a new email product to replace Lotus Notes.
B: How to you like it?
A: Let's just say it has gone from bad to Verse.
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We were in a Chinese restaurant back in the day with a bunch of geek friends - long before ssh was a thing (even before http!) - and telnet was the only way to session between systems. The waiter came to take our order, and was going around the table doing so. Right in the middle of someone giving their order, he just turned around and walked away. We were all kind of stunned. One of the guys exclaimed "Connection closed by foreign host"! :-D
Your momma use so much bandwidth she saturate a T3!
What's the worst part about UDP jokes? No one cares if you get them.
The requirements for jobs on Monster.com, et. al.
Aah, change is good. -- Rafiki
Yeah, but it ain't easy. -- Simba
I believe that him and apk are different people. He regularly throws apk and 10110110101 under the bus as "worse nuisances". When the binary guy is only episodically annoying and actually is an ok poster most of the time. APK is at least totally insane and seems to have given up on consistent bad behavior. He is doing an admirable job for someone who probably is probably doing his best just by dodging a 5150 rap, keeping a roof over his head, and keeping Soros from infecting his digestive system with cybernetically enhanced worms.
According to creimer he is capable of posting dozens of pro-social posts a day but chooses not to because it is not explicitly required of him in the sites ToS. Given that he's keen to use these other users as shields for his own bad behavior and as examples of how unfair the slashdot moderator community is. I have to wonder if creimer is not a full blown psychopath.
I'd say that his competitive streak makes it all more likely that he is not autistic and is in fact a complete psycho. His tendency to turn life into a series of contests. Slashdot isn't a dying tech forum. It's a contest!!! For mod points!!
Did you hear the one about the DBA who went to the NOSQL bar?
He had to leave because he couldn't find any tables.
It was a private club and he wasn't allowed to JOIN.
He didn't have the proper documents.
It's funny because it's True
Q. What does IT stand for?
A. What's it to ya?
"This computer is driving me crazy, if you can't fix it, I'll throw it out the window." When I'm feeling particularly snarky, the reply is: "Please do, I won't have to fix it, it'll probably land on someone's head, and then you won't have a job."
log out, go kiting.
ERROR: Keyboard Inoperable
Press F1 to continue...
Look back up at my post, now look back down, you're on the Internet. Now look back up. I'm a signature.
Programmers never die, they just gosub without return.
Microsoft Bob(tm)
APK is nuts, but he has a basic understanding of grammar and talks about different things. There's really very little relation with creimer's "style," they just both happen to be shitty posters (and personally I think APK is kind of amusing, although of course in real life I would go to the other side of the street to avoid him).
Creimer seems to be a real person based on ten years of pictures of some fattie with moobs, often wearing a Slashdot shirt. And the constant blogs, Amazon stories, Disqus posts - It would be funny if the whole "creimer" thing was just an elaborate troll though.
There's only way to create a child, by forking, but there's -9 ways to kill it.
>killall |sort -god > out
-T
Microsoft Exchange. Good god.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it! --Longbottle
And it is...
Hillary Clinton builds her own an E-Mail server.
Yes, that is how the news originally was told by the liberal wacky left. ROFLMAO.
... and greet each other.
1st IT guy: HI!
2nd IT guy: 'lo
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? ...?
Programmers don't change light bulbs. That's a hardware problem.
I actually told this at a job interview. I guess it didn't go down that badly as I got the job and worked for the firm for over 25 years.
Three people were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first person presses their forearm and the others look at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rings. The second person lifts their palm to their ear. When she finishes she explains, "that's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The third person was feeling decidedly low-tech but not to be out done decided he had to do something just as impressive. He steps out of the sauna and goes to the toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raise their eyebrows before he says, "Ah, I'm getting a fax."
noobfarm.org
Select finger from hand where id = 3;
Q: What do you call a Native American outhouse with a buried sewer line connected directly to a waste facility?
A: PPTP
Why can't Bill Gates get dates?
Because he's microsoft! XD
The software pirate says "Argv, argc".
What happens when creimer stops posting? Someone acts out by mentioning creimer's name in a random comment or accuses another user as being creimer.
A DBA walks into a restaurant and asks for a table with a view.
Wife: I thought you said we only had three (of grocery/item) left?
Computer Scientist: We do. 0, 1, 2, 3.
Supposedly really happened.
Wrong, Apple doesn't have QA.
The three hardest things about programming:
0. Off by one errors
1. Cache invalidation
7. Race Conditions
2. Naming things
General Relativity: Space-time tells matter where to go; Matter tells space-time what shape to be.
In the Braille notation, how do you write "DO NOT TOUCH"?
"You will never need more than 640k of memory" - bill gates.
"accuses another user as being creimer"
Crammar detected. Your odd, stilted grammar gives you away, Chris. No one really gives a shit about you or your stupid posts. It's just you and me.
...he was clutching a bottle labelled with the words "Lather. Rinse. Repeat."
Slashdot will descend into chaos without creimer! You should put your master plan into action and stop posting so you can watch us troll eat each other alive!
I don't think creimer is cruel enough to stop posting! Golly we'll all go nuts trying to find the real creimer if he never posted anymore!
Thank god you don't have enough self control creimer! I know you're creimer because you're pretending to not be creimer.
Exactly what creimer would do!
A: The part of a computer that you can hit.
- You keep using sledgehammers to crack nuts.
- But I'm writing a portable app! A portable app can't make assumptions on the size of nuts.
Are you kids crazy? Setting up Windows 3.1 and a novell network is the biggest joke. Drove me to NeXt, Solaris, Irix, and the passive aggressive hell of Linux and his spawn. (I'm writing this on a mac, cause I'm a lazy old fart who just like the thing to work.)
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/1369118X.2013.808365
Keyboard not found
Press F1 to continue
Cue: Hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
Hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with logs.
Itâ(TM)s always done right. First time.
Worse projects are the ones that leaves QA to the QA team.
Not a convention joke per se, but worthy of inclusion: I remember seeing this first in the late 70s / early 80s when my dad brought a copy home that some wag had put up near a new IBM or possibly TI box, recently installed at his workplace. Good enough to inspire my SlashDot username. Alles turisten und nonteknischen lookenpeepers! Das komputermaschine is nicht für der gefingerpoken und mittengraben! Oderwise ist easy to schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und poppencorken mit spitzensparken. Ist nich für gewerken bei dummkopfen. Der rubbernecken sightseeren keepen das cottonpicken händer in das pockets muss. Zo relaxen und watschen der blickenlichten. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/...
How does a computer ask questions? It goes down. w.e.l.p., t.i.m.e. f.o.r. a. p.i.c.n.i.c. w.i.t.h. p.i.t.a.-b.r.e.a.d. a.n.d. t.o.n.ic.
A tester walks into a bar. He orders a ' OR '1'='1'; DROP DATABASE bar ERROR 1049: Unknown database 'bar'
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Let us worship Creimer, and beg for His mercy upon us. Many of us have blasphemed against Creimer, who is our Lord and Savior. Please forgive us, Creimer, for we have sinned against You. We beg you, Creimer, our God, for your mercy.
...I programmed in IBM's Enterprise COBOL for z/OS for about 20 years. "Add 1 to COBOL" works fine.
ID10T (710 part)
It's not a bug, it's a feature.
...and he sees a monkey on sale for $100,000. "Wow! What does that monkey do?" the guy asks the pet store owner.
"Oh, that monkey is very special," the pet store owner replies. "He can write computer code -- in either Java or C++ !"
Then the guy sees another monkey that's on sale for $130,000. "Wow! That monkey must be even better!" he says. "What does that monkey do?" The pet store owner tells him that that monkey can write computer code -- but in C, or in assembly language.
Then the guy sees a third monkey on sale for $200,000. "Wow! That monkey must be incredible!" he says. "What does that monkey do?"
"Do?!" replies the pet store owner. "Well, I've never actually seen him do anything. But he says that he's a project manager."
This is easy. The worst IT joke I have ever heard is that APK's hosts file engine actually provides security.
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Q: Whats the difference between a Sendmail config file and modem noise? A: After a while you start to see patterns in the modem noise.
Oh wow he is a wizard and actually almost a double wizard. Would someone fill me in on how and why he offered so much information about his sex life?
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That's what happens when creimer doesn't post a comment.
It's to keep your foot warm.
...is as good as the last two combined.
The worst pun I've heard in years.
"My Monday wasn't great, either," Alaric replies. "But take comfort - it could have been a LOT worse. I remember one truly, wretchedly, appallingly awful Monday morning beside which yours pales by comparison." He pauses, since his tale is lengthy, to peer disconsolately into his empty tankard. "Out of cider," he mutters sadly. "It's going to be a thirsty tale.... Why, thank you, Long-Drink, don't mind if I do." He wets his throat with the proffered replacement, and gazes toward a far corner of the ceiling.
"A few years before I left England," he begins, fibbing outrageously, "I was working for a systems integrator named Ealium Computers, which produced some quite high-performance (for the time) systems at very moderate prices. However, the state of the British personal computer industry being at the time well behind the US, we wound up using many American-made components. "The incident that particularly springs to mind concerns our early problems in obtaining adequate supplies of fast token-ring network interface cards (NIC's). There were domestic-manufactured 4 Mb/s NIC's, but the 16 Mb/s NIC's had to come from the US, and not only were the offerings from the first-line vendors exorbantly priced, but the Commerce Department considered the fast NIC's to be advanced computer technology, and got rather huffy at times about export restrictions. "
This and other problems (including a couple of orders on which supplies of items we were promised by vendors dried up at the last minute, forcing us to substitute higher-cost parts at the original quoted price), actually led to Ealium finding itself in rather difficult straits, when a contract came in that had the potential to save the company on a single order. It was an order for a very large number of identically-configured computers, for a major semiconductor manufacturer that was taking the then-daring plunge of transferring its operations completely from mainframes to PC's. "I can't name the customer, for reasons that will become apparent, but suffice it to say that the company was run at the time by one of the first female Fortune 500 CEO's, and there was a strict deadline on the contract, since the switch over to PC's was to be timed to coincide with the release of the company's 1,000th product. That should be enough information for those of you in the trade to figure out who I'm talking about. "
Anyway, we had to practically hock our socks to get the credit we needed to buy the components to assemble such a large order, but finally we had everything in shipment to us and were ready to start assembling chassis. In all the frenzy of figuring out whether we could meet the order, coming up with a competitive quote, and then finding ways to actually get all the components we needed, one fatal error was made: We realized, almost too late, that the quote had specified 16 Mb/s NIC's, but we had budgeted for 4 Mb/s parts. "This sent us into a panic. We cancelled the order for the Signetics NIC's we had originally ordered - fortunately, Signetics was scrambling to fill a large order from a US systems integrator at a considerably larger markup, and was only too happy to take them back - and set about finding a source of 16 Mb/s NIC's in a hurry. It wasn't easy - IBM wouldn't sell to us, Compaq cards were beyond what we could afford to spend, and no-one else had stock available.
Finally, though, we found a defense electronics contractor who was producing NIC's for the US military, who had just lost a large contract and was glad to sell us some of their overstock at cost through their civilian-market subsidiary, Peripherals Unlimited - or PU, as we took to calling them for brevity's sake. "The NIC's were already on the ship when the next shoe dropped. Because the boards were written for the US military, the drivers incorporated some fairly primitive packet-encryption code, and while the boards were unexceptional, the Defense Department told the Commerce Department that the drivers couldn't be exported.
So we had
I'm afraid of my computer. I know when I turn it off, it's learning new things without me.
Self-importance and self-indulgence is the root of ALL evil.
Q: How many IT guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, that's a Facilities problem.
Self-importance and self-indulgence is the root of ALL evil.
"2 minutes remaining..."
Self-importance and self-indulgence is the root of ALL evil.
In a previous life, following up with an actual customer with an unusual number of RMA requests for a full length ADSL expansion card:
"I had to trim a bit off the end to make it fit, but I still can't get it to work."
Truly awful joke, because who can add can multiply! https://www.onlinemathlearning.com/relationship-multiplication-addition.html :-)
Wait, Slashdot is a tech forum again? When did that happen?
But you probably won't get it
Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division Honorable Mentions: A Higgs Boson walks into the bar on a Sunday, & the bartender says, “you gotta go to Church right now.” Higgs Boson asks, “Why?”. Bartender says, “Well, without you, they can’t have mass”.
There was no pre-existing user base.
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer, which the bartender pours.
"How much do I owe you?" asks the neutron.
"For you, no charge!"
Me: (on my hands & knees under a desk, struggling to get an apparently stripped hex network wallplate cover screw to line up)
Her (a sexy IT Tech in tight black leather pants, bending over, hands on hips): "C'mon, hurry up! What, ya need some hair around that hole to make it line up better?"
Me: (blushing furiously) We both break up into laughter.
Who laughs last has the highest ping...