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The Lone Gunmen Aren't Dead?
A reader writes: "With the series finale of The X-Files rapidly approaching, the official site has recently been updated with a brief description and a few images from the final episode. Normally, this would not be a notable occurance - except for the fact that one of the images, which are said to be from the final episode, is of The Lone Gunmen!"
I eat my shit.
So, you didn't give away the story line, you just lied about it?
If they're not dead, then they could bring the series back! I hope they do, that was one of the best shows on TV. They could give it the X-Files' timeslot too.
Comment forecast: Bits of genius surrounded by a sea of mediocrity.
YEH SUCK IT DOWN !!!!!
W0000T
You just couldn't leave it alone, could you? You had to "Lone Gunmen" us one more time, didn't you? Well, just for that, here's one for Natalie Portmans and hot grits lovers.
With the series finale of The X-Files rapidly approaching
Christ, is that _still_ on?
--saint
ARGH!!! You already ruined it a few weeks ago by telling me they were dead, and now you ruin the finale by telling me they aren't!!!!
HELLO? Spoiler Warnings please???!! Next you're going to be telling me that Anakin is Luke's father and that Clark Kent is really Superman!
I'll have something intelligent to add one of these days...
I think I remember reading that this episode will be Mulder on trial. As such, it's likely they'll appear in some flashbacks. This doesn't mean they aren't dead.
Not that I care about either series, but spoilers like that are ghey.
They are a very fun tool.
And they make Hemos look like a tool.
Good job whoring for Fox b.t.w.
Well, You really "The Lone-Gunmen are dead"ed that one, didn't you???!!!
Shall I even watch the last episode? Why don't you just post it's contents in slashdot subjects over the next 29.25 hours?
Marques Johansson
But does anyone really care enough about X-Files past season 4-5? I dont.
It should have died then. And I expect Carter & Co to bring out a cheesy finale where Mulder discovers he is an alien himself and charged with enslaving mankind.
from what i've read, several dead characters are goign to be itn eh last episode, though they are only mulders memories or delusions
bart
Not that I have cared about the X-files for a few years now.. But the fact that there is a picture of them in the last episoed means nothing.. There could just be a flashback that contains them or maybe they bill pull a Voyager and go back in time using an alien ship to make sure they don't die.. For most, I think the show jumped the shark when the movie was made.
EA David Gardner -"... but the consumers have proven that actually what they want is fun."
keep in mind that both deep throat and mulder's father appeared posthumously in dream sequences in the third season, and scully's father appeared posthumously in a dream sequence in the second season. there's probably more, but it's been too long since i've watched the show, and i don't remember others. there's also been some occurences of people appearing in flashback sequences after they've died. that's how deep throat got into the fourth season. not to mention shapeshifters taking the forms of dead people. that happened a few times. most notably at the beginning of season 4.
then again, "killing" characters only to have them turn out to still be alive has happend more that its share of times. mulder, krycek and the smoking man have all died and come back a few times.
#define F(x) int main(){printf(#x,10,#x);}
F(#define F(x) int main(){printf(#x,10,#x);}%cF(%s))
"Yes, it's true," he told me, "We're not really dead. Tell everyone not to worry. See, we're just actors. All that stuff you see on the TV show? It's not real. It's just make-believe. You know, stories?"
Honestly, even if they were killed off in the series, they could always be brought back in flashbacks, time-warps, cloning experiments, dream sequences, etc. etc.
You don't have to un-write what was written or disrupt continuity in order to have dead characters come back...
You see? You see? Your stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!
Seriously, the series could take place before they died or just say polymorphic transexual hyperbolic aliens impersonated the Lone Gunman during their deaths.
'SBEMAIL!' is better than a goat!!
If you are a geek with cool toys, you can never die.
Yet another signature that refers to itself. The irony and humor is dead.
Not to be sarcastic, but is the submitter of the original story not familiar with a narrative device called a flashback? Just because they're in a picture of the episode, does not mean they're still alive.
If they died to begin with, that is - I really have no idea, I have stopped watching a few seasons ago when it just got too convoluted. But I was disappointed to hear that they potentially bit the dust when that was reported, I always liked them, so hopefully that they are indeed alive. I'm definitely going to see the next XFiles movie, and they'd make a good addition to it.
Please subscribe to see the more insightful version of th
Are rumours of what characters appear on the XFiles what Slashdot is all about? I mean, "News for Nerds" and all, but if I want analysis of publicity pictures of a television show I can go to any number of other rumour sites. I come here for some nifty Science, Computing, and Social news, along with some often interesting talking on the boards.
Oh well, it's just my two cents.
Sharpies don't just sniff themselves.
Just tell everyone "This all happend before they died".
The simple truth is that interstellar distances will not fit into the human imagination
- Douglas Adams
I really don't think they are still alive, they were buried in the ground at the end of the episode they died in. In all likely hood it will be flash backs of Mulder where we see them. Just my opinion.
(This Space For Rent)
He is on trial for laughing at a fat man getting mugged, by an alien.
"Friends" is a more entertaining show.
Imagine how hard it would be to include an image of the Lone Gunmen from a previous X-Files episode! Since that's so difficult, clearly it must mean that they're bringing them back to life!
rooooar
This article on Salon talks about how bad a job Chris Carter's done in wrapping up loose ends.
I'm inclined to agree. Out of these last few episodes, there hasn't been nearly so much exposition on the "mythology" as I would have liked or expected.
-carl
. We've got computers, we're tapping phone lines, you know that ain't allowed - Talking Heads, "Life During Wartime"
Are they dead? Aren't they?
/. sent by Chris Carter?
Should I be wailing in misery for being spoiled? Have I been spoiled?
Is chrisd really a mole for
And will the Truth be revealed as something to do with CowboyNeal?
Mod Karma -1: I sed bad wurds. If I cep my mouf shut, I wud be at riyses.
For years now we've all been getting our viewing thrills by letting The X-Files work us into an enjoyable froth of paranoia and conspiracy theory.
Everything, however, has a sell-by date and time has moved on; now, after 9/11, we've got reality to worry us in a way in which no TV show can compete.
We're going to look back at Nineties TV, and the X-Files in particular, as representing an age of naive innocence, before our colective chickens came home to roost.
...dream sequence?
They are standing around in some weird pseudo-symbolical desert, after all.
Spoiler Warning:
Captain Kirk is killed on Star Trek 6 (The Undiscovered Country) - I saw it on the previews.
Geeze. First you guys spoil it for everyone by blabbling about the Lone Gunmen are dead before half the people here get a chance to see the episode, and now you are doing it again, blabbing about how the Lone Gunmen _aren't_ before the show is even on the air.
If Slashdot keeps on blaring all these spoilers on the front page, I don't think I'll ever be able to enjoy watching the X-Files again.
Ideology is for ideots.
Is it:
(Lone Gunmen Are Dead) + (Lone Gunmen Aren't Dead)
Which nets out to be zero.
Or should it be:
(Lone Gunmen Are Dead) + ABS(Lone Gunmen Aren't Dead)
Which equals 2*(Lone Gunmen are Dead) = twice spoiled.
And then, what happens if this spoiler is wrong?
My next sig will be ready soon, but friends can beat the rush!
"Watch the teeth, Mulder," Skinner said, his growl made even rougher with desire as he settled himself between Mulder's bent knees. "I don't want you breaking the skin."
.?
."
Mulder thought, but he only nodded, forcing a grin to his face when Skinner raised up and placed the head of his thick cock just outside Mulder's body. Was he wrong? Maybe it *was* Skinner . .
Slight pressure, slight pain, then a growing heat started at his core and blazed outward, when Skinner began thrusting into him, steadily, until the AD's balls were resting snugly against his ass. His hand found his cock and began stroking experimentally, the pleasure he was giving himself
sending shudders through the man above him as the
spasms telegraphed their way to Skinner's buried cock.
He moaned sharply when Skinner started moving inside him and wrapped his hand around the other man's neck, before slowly bringing it down his chest, scratching lightly as he went, leaving faint grey lines in the wake of his short
fingernails.
Skinner hissed and moved faster, pumping into Mulder's ass mercilessly, the power of his thrusts lifting the agent off the bed.
Mulder cried out when the angle of penetration changed just enough to make Skinner's hot cock hit his prostate on damned near every surge into his body. His back arched when Skinner sped up, eyes tightly shut, teeth gritted, jaws clenched to keep from screaming with something other than ecstasy as the older man fucked him, bringing him almost to completion time and again, then backing away. At this point, all Mulder wanted was release and his jaws loosened enough to demand that Skinner give it to him. "Finish it!" he shouted, seeing the feral gleam in Skinner's eyes as they focused on him briefly. "Oh, *God*, let me . . *please* .
A hand not belonging to a man who spent his days behind a desk wrapped roughly around his cock and he thrust upward into it, Skinner making him work for it, paying him with hot desire.
Fire tightened his body, tempered his arousal, left him burned as it curled like smoke around him, heating his skin, branding Skinner's fingerprints onto his cock as his climax
moved through him, using what little oxygen remained in the room to keep itself ablaze. Another rough thrust, hard and fast, dissolved into another, and another, and, suddenly, he
was coming, hot, white spurts covering Skinner's hand and his own belly. Contractions in his ass gripped the AD's cock and pulled and teased, promised, then, finally, delivered and the older man's orgasm joined Mulder's with a harsh cry.
Nice try, chrisd. Sure we all see that the story appears to be posted by Hemos, but I smell a conspiracy... ;)
Eating a woman's pussy is about the most wonderful thing you can do for her. It makes her feel loved, admired, sexy, and of course it makes her cum like crazy. Many women prefer it to intercourse, and for most, it is the easiest way to cum with a man. You may have the littlest dick on the planet, but if you give great head, you will be appreciated as a fabulous lover. Yes, it's that important. Besides, lots of women expect it these days - you might as well know what you're doing.
:), but I have a few things that seem unsaid.
First off, guys seem to have a strange love/hate relationship with women's genitalia. Guys that can't wait to get their dick into one are often reluctant to put their face "down there". For every guy who says he loves to eat pussy, there's another one who's squeamish. Women know this, and it affects their ability to lay back and enjoy the experience. There is nothing more exciting to a woman than to know that her partner finds her delicious. Don't be coy; tell her. When a guy fingers a lady and then smells, licks, sucks the juice off his finger and sighs as if in heaven, she knows this is her lucky day.
What if your sweet lady doesn't smell or taste very sweet? Don't suffer. (Don't complain, either.) Take a nice hot shower or bath together. Lather up both of your bodies and slide them together. It's like a whole body fuck. Soap up her vulva, washing between her outer and inner lips. Spread her lips apart and gently wash her clitoris. Hey, don't stop - this feels great! Run your soapy hand down the crack of her ass, and rub a finger all around her anus. You can stick one finger in and wash around inside too, if you anticipate any anal play, and I suggest you do. But don't put those soapy fingers up her vagina. Instead, rinse them off well and stick one or two inside, making a circular motion. Think about washing the inside of a tall glass - same thing. Now wasn't that fun? And now you can feel free to let your tongue wander anywhere it pleases...
So now what? You've found a comfy spot to play, you've been kissing passionately, your tongues darting around each other's mouths like playful otters. You've moved down to nibble one of her hardening nipples and she's starting to groan, grinding her pelvis against your stomach. STOP. I know it was just starting to get good. But was she really groaning and humping you, or was it your own excitement you were detecting? I strongly prefer to be excited before a guy starts plunging his tongue into my inner recesses. Use your judgement, and kiss, lick, and fondle your way down her stomach, up her thighs, until she's arching up her back trying to get you to eat her. Of course, if she really was groaning and grinding, go for it... I also don't particularly enjoy a guy endlessly nibbling my inner thigh while my clit is quivering in anticipation.
If the woman you are with is somewhat hesitant about your going down on her, start off with her lying on her back, perhaps half-sitting. Lay down between her legs, with her legs over your shoulders. She may enjoy laying or sitting at the edge of the bed with you kneeling. She can also straddle your face, but be prepared to get very wet. There are endless varieties of positions where you can press your face up to her cunt, some of which strike me as more acrobatic than erotic, but feel free to experiment. And then there's 69...
69 is one of my favorite positions. On the plus side, you both get to enjoy the sublime sensations of getting head, simultaneously. The upside down positioning of a woman's pussy and your mouth is an easy fit and there's more room for your hands. On the negative side, it's a less than ideal position for a woman to give head. Plus, if you need to read this article, you may be better off concentrating your energies on pleasing her, without too much distraction. But even for experienced 69'ers, it's easy to short-change your partner. "It feels soooo good, I'm just gonna stop for a second and concentrate on what you're...aaaarrrgghhh". Get the picture? Some show of will-power is in order.
69 can be done male on top, female on top, or side by side. The latter two are easier, though it's more restful with both partners laying down. Some women love being licked on all fours, so if female-on-top 69 drives her wild, take the hint and find some other ways to eat her in this position. I happen to enjoy male on top, but for many women this is a sure choking position. If a woman can, or wants to try, to deep throat you, this is THE position. When her head is thrust back you can really slide your cock all the way down her throat. But don't forget what you're supposed to be doing!
So there you are staring at it - the mysterious hole from whence you came, and into which you hope to cum again... First, an anatomy lesson...
Before I go any further, a few words about the clitoris, accent on the first syllable. Most of you know it, but for those who don't, it is THE woman's sex organ, period. It may feel great to be fucked vaginally, anally or otherwise, but if the stimulation is not right there, on the clitoris, you're ignoring the place that's going to make her cum, and presumably that's why you're reading this, right? It's right there at the top juncture of her inner lips, a small knob of pink flesh. This is where it's at boys, and don't forget it. Almost any licking and sucking of the labia or vaginal entrance is going to feel just dandy; just remember that this is pleasurable teasing, not the main event. I can't tell you how many guys have thrust their tongues up my vagina thinking that this was going to make me cum. They were wrong. Of course, with a little manual stimulation....but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Women feel differently about how much direct stimulation they can take on their clitoris. Some women will adore it if you suck hard on their exposed clits, others will shriek in pain. You may encounter a woman who is completely unable to take direct stimulation of her clit; the goal is still the same, but you'll have to stimulate it indirectly, such as through her labia. IMPORTANT NOTE: Often, what is unacceptably rough at first may be fine after she's very excited. The fact is, most women really need a good bit of stimulation before a targeted attack on their clitoris, but once they're there, that's where you want to devote your attention.
The key here is go slow, ask questions, and if she's comfortable with it, leave the lights on and really explore. Body language often does tell what feels best, but I promise, she will appreciate your attentiveness if you ask outright. If she seems shy, get her to guide your hands and mouth with her own hand, and pay attention. If she starts bucking up against your mouth and gasping in ragged little breaths, for God's sake, don't use this opportunity to try something different. Just keep doing exactly what you're doing.
I want to reiterate, there is almost nothing you can do that won't feel terrific, so relax! I promise, you may be confused and uncertain, but she's in heaven. Any licking and sucking of the labia, vaginal entrance, clitoris, or anal area is going to feel just great, and I'd no sooner tell guys to "do it exactly like this" than I would tell every chef to follow the same recipe. But for those who are compelled to RTFM, here are a few techniques that you might like to try:
Try lapping her pussy from vaginal entrance up to her clit, leaving your tongue soft and jaw relaxed. This is a good way to start your tonguing.
Run your tongue between the inner and outer labia on one side, while holding the two together with your lips. Good job, now do the other side.
Fuck her pussy with your tongue - in and out, around and around, etc. This feels nice. Not wonderful or incredible or earth-shaking; nice.
Spread her outer lips with your hand. Then, with your tongue pointed and stiff, gently flick here and there. Feel free to roam, but keep coming back to her clit. This drives some women wild, and others can't take it. Some may prefer that you always leave your tongue soft, so when you try this, pay attention to whether those moans are ecstacy or pain.
The following techniques should not be introduced until your partner is really hot (i.e. she's no longer coherent). These are very intense actions which may be "too much" for some women, even when nearing orgasm.
With her clit still exposed, give it a quick little suck - pulling it into your mouth briefly and letting it go. This is a lot like licking a bit of cake batter off of your pinky. This feels incredible, and is a fine thing to do if you feel like torturing her (see PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER below).
Take her exposed clit into your mouth and gently (at first, anyway) suck on it, simultaneously flicking your tongue over and around it. This can be done very lightly or very aggressively, and combined with fingering, will usually rapidly produce an intense orgasm.
Another choice technique involves rolling your tongue into a tube. If you can't do this with your tongue, you can't learn it - it's genetic. For those who can, this works best in an inverted or 69 position. Roll your tongue into a tube around the shaft of her clitoris. Slide it up and down; in effect, your tongue makes a tiny pussy for her clit to fuck. This also is likely to bring her over the edge.
Fingers are a valuable adjunct to eating pussy. Most women masturbate by pressing a finger or fingers over their clit, possibly "thru" the skin of their inner or outer lips, and vigorously rubbing in a circular or back-and-forth direction. You can do this too, and it is most helpful to ask, or better yet, have her show you how she likes it done. You will never be a good lover until you can bring your woman to climax with your hands. When you fuck her from behind, or up her ass, or really in any position which doesn't allow her to simultaneously rub her vulva against your body, reach down or around and rub her clit. I know it's distracting, but just do it anyway. One important point to note: make sure that your fingers are well lubricated. There is nothing more uncomfortable (and sometimes downright painful) than a dry finger roughly rubbed across one's clitoris.
Of course, that's not all you can do with your fingers. One technique which is very exciting is to spread her lips wide apart with one hand, and with your index finger straight like a pencil, flick the side of it rapidly across her clit. This motion alone will often bring a woman to orgasm. Combining this with the addition of some tongue action elsewhere is nothing short of bliss.
Sticking one or more fingers inside her vagina is also wonderful. You can simply move them in and out (this feels best with at least two or three fingers, pushed in hard), or wriggling them around. A particularly intense motion is to face your hand so that you have two fingers inside her with your palm facing the front of her body. Now move your fingers rapidly, as if waving hello. You are aiming to stimulate a particular part of the woman's vagina - namely the lower anterior (front) part. When combined with sucking her clit, this is nearly certain to bring her to a fast and intense climax.
An excellent way to begin manual stimulation is to stick one (and later two) fingers inside her, with your palm cupped over the mons area. I'm talking about that fleshy "mound" over her pubic bone. Your finger goes in and out and the ball of your hand is pressed hard against her vulva. You may want to rub or even shake the entire area with your palm.
Fingers also do nice things to tight little butt holes, but that's a whole other story...
ANAL PLAY
This stuff is purely optional. If anal play doesn't turn you on, don't do it. If you're uncomfortable, she'll pick up on your feelings and start wondering if it's her pussy that's turning you off. Don't feel that you can't be a good lover without anal play; you can.
Cleanliness is of the essence. (remember that nice soapy shower?) Scoop out some luscious juices (from a very wet pussy) with your finger and rub it around her anus. (If she isn't well lubricated, saliva works too.) If that's all you or she feels comfortable with, fine - it still feels great. But I think most women enjoy the feel of a finger pushed up their ass while they're being fucked or eaten. You need to be gentle, possibly even leaving your finger still. Try moving it in and out a little, or around in a circle. If she starts moaning, you know you're doing something right.
It's really fun to feel a woman's anus rhythmically squeezing your finger as she cums. (And it's great for her, too) You're probably thinking about what that would feel like around your dick, and it's something you should certainly explore. Ass-fucking is somewhat out of the scope of this article, but suffice to say, if she doesn't like a finger up her butt, she sure as hell won't want your big dick up there. Even if she does enjoy this sort of play, she may still be somewhat apprehensive about putting something so large up there. The keys to success are sufficient (i.e. copious amounts of) lubrication (a water-soluble type such as K-Y, which is safe for condoms), relaxation on her part, and a slow, gentle, approach. She'll certainly tell you if she wants you to thrust harder or deeper. And remember, if you want to feel that delicious squeezing around your cock, reach around and diddle that clit!
As for anallingus - why not? Don't feel like you HAVE to do it to satisfy your woman. But if the idea turns you on, great. Let your tongue rove as it pleases. It's not necessary to actually put your tongue inside her butt to stimulate the area. Back and forth, around and around, you get the picture.
One hygiene note: once that finger (or your penis) has been inside her ass, don't even think about putting it anywhere else. Carelessness in this regard can cause a horrendous infection.
I haven't met a lot of men who are completely comfortable going down on a woman when she has her period. But some are. Most women are at their horniest before and sometimes during their period. You should definitely find a way to make her cum when she's bleeding, be it thru intercourse, manual, or oral stimulation. If you feel comfortable going down on her, great. It's perfectly safe. You may suggest that she insert a tampon, and then wash up. (As you now know, you don't need to get anywhere near her vagina to make her cum.) Or you could lay down a few old towels, turn out the lights, and forget about it.
I think variety is crucial. Some guy posted an article detailing a road map of kissing and licking (first here, then here, etc.) Much better to do the unexpected; sometimes a hungry, aggressive approach, other times a laid-back, leisurely one. You can even even include your nose, or your chin into the act. Start slow, that's the key, and let your lover guide the speed of the crescendo. In all cases, start gently. Roughness and clumsiness are big turn-offs. As she gets more and more excited, pay more attention to her clitoris. When she's three breathes away from cumming, moving your mouth off or away from her clit is agony. That's fine if you're intentionally torturing her, just understand that this is what you are doing. The only prohibition is to be reasonably gentle with her clit. Nibbling or biting is fine elsewhere, but we're talking about a sensitive spot.
Speaking of prolonging the agony... I think this is great fun. Bring your partner just to the edge of orgasm, and stop. This is not easy unless you really know your lover well. Instead, just have her help you. Say, "Grab my head and stop me just before you think you're gonna cum." Then take your sweet time. Blow on her clit, take it into your mouth just briefly, flick it just the very slightest bit. You will have this woman squirming and moaning like she's dying. Finger her deeply, enjoy the ecstasy you are imparting, and finally, have pity. Let the poor woman cum.
Okay, she's practically suffocating you, she's pressed so hard against your face; she's screaming and bucking up in the air; you feel her pussy contracting wildly - how long should you keep it up?? The simple answer is, until she makes you stop. Some women may stop you after five seconds from the start of their climax, others may be able to roll right into another orgasm if you keep going. Do come up for air, but remember, her excitement does not drop off as sharply as yours does. Play it safe by continuing the stimulation.
How many times does she need to cum? Some women are very content to have one orgasm. A whole lot of women would really like to cum again, but need about five minutes to recoup. Many women are so sensitive right after they cum that they may push your head violently away. This doesn't necessarily mean they've had enough, only that you need to stop for a few minutes. In fact most women, given a short rest between, are capable of cumming again and again. A smaller percentage of women are able to cum repeatedly with continued stimulation. This is the much-touted multiple-orgasm that is experienced by a minority of women. I know this makes it difficult to know when enough is enough, but there's a simple answer: ask her.
It happens to all of us sometimes - distraction, embarrassment, anxiety, or just an inability to "let go". What do you do about it? The first question is, can she easily bring herself to a climax in the privacy of her own home. If the answer is no - then she needs to do some homework. There are two books on the subject that I know of: For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality by Lonnie Barbach, and Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving by Betty Dodson; pick up one. Then tell her to read it, study it, and practice, practice, practice!
Now if your partner is orgasmic only when alone - ask her point blank: "Is there something different I can do?" Many women are shy about criticizing their lovers, but if asked outright will surprise you with a very specific answer. It may be a simple matter of mechanics, like a little to right please, or not so rough, or more pressure and faster. Ah... perfect.
But suppose everything is wonderful. She says you're doing everything right but she just can't cum. There are two probable causes: selfconsciousness and/or self-loathing. For women who can't help watching themselves, the best approach is to eliminate anything that focuses her attention on what the two of you are doing. This is a "be here now" kind of thing - definitely not an introspective activity. Get that mirror off the ceiling. Dim the lights or turn them off completely. Put on some soft music. Share a glass of port. (I said A glass - getting drunk will definitely not help). Have her lay on her back, or propped up comfortably with some pillows. This is not the time for her to sit on your face, or the edge of the bed, or standing up against a wall. Arrange a time when you can devote a long period to eating her pussy, and then just keep it up. Forget everything I said about asking her questions - just close your eyes and get into it. I know this can be a difficult and exhausting exercise, but she will be extravagantly thankful for your efforts. It gets easier each time. If all else fails, get accustomed to masturbating together. Gradually begin to add your stimulation to her own, right before she's about to cum anyway. Over time, you can take over completely.
For women who themselves feel that their cunts are dirty or distasteful, all of the above methods may be helpful, but the underlying issue must also be addressed. I am amazed at how many women are ambivalent about their own genitals. They don't love "that part" of their body, and they can't believe that you would either. Yes, it is important to be clean. But clean means a daily shower which includes washing the vulva. It doesn't mean vainly attempting to remove every trace of smell or taste. The natural fragrance and secretions of a healthy woman are beautiful and erotic. Hopefully you agree (and if not, try hard to cultivate this attitude). When she learns to love her pussy, she will be infinitely more comfortable with your loving it too.
Hey, I have a lot of respect for all you guys who like to eat pussy because there are too few of you out there. And I'm not the only woman who says this. Furthermore, some of you guys who are giving it the old college try are not doing too well, so maybe this little lesson will help you out. When a woman finds a man who gives good head, she's found a treasure she's not going to let go of too quickly. This is one rare customer and she knows it. She won't even tell her girlfriends about it or that guy will become the most popular man in town. So, remember, most guys can fuck, and those who can usually do it satisfactorily, but the guy who gives good head, he's got it made.
Most women are shy about their bodies. Even if you've got the world's most gorgeous woman in bed with you, she's going to worry about how you like her body. Tell her it's beautiful, tell her which parts you like best, tell her anything, but get her to trust you enough to let you down between her legs.
Now stop and look at what you see. Beautiful, isn't it? There is nothing that makes a woman more unique than her pussy. I know. I've seen plenty of them. They come in all different sizes, colors and shapes; some are tucked inside like a little girl's cunnie and some have thick luscious lips that come out to greet you. Some are nested in brushes of fur and others are covered with transparent fuzz. Appreciate your woman's unique qualities and tell her what makes her special.
Women are a good deal more verbal than men, especially during love-making. They also respond more to verbal love, which means, the more you talk to her, the easier it will be to get her off. So all the time you're petting and stroking her beautiful pussy, talk to her about it.
Now look at it again. Gently pull the lips apart and look at her inner lips, even lick them if you want to. Now spread the tops of her pussy up until you can find her clit. Women have clits in all different sizes, just like you guys have different sized cocks. It doesn't mean a thing as far as her capacity for orgasm. All it means is more of her is hidden underneath her foreskin.
Whenever you touch a woman's pussy, make sure your finger is wet. You can lick it or moisten it with juices from inside her. Be sure, by all means, to wet it before you touch her clit because it doesn't have any juices of it's own and it's extremely sensitive. Your finger will stick to it if it's dry and that hurts. But you don't want to touch her clit anyway. You have to work up to that. Before she becomes aroused, her clit is too delicate to be handled.
Approach her pussy slowly. Women, even more so than men, love to be teased. The inner part of her thigh is her most tender spot. Lick it, kiss it, make designs on it with the tip of your tongue. Come dangerously close to her pussy, then float away. Make her anticipate it.
Now lick the crease where her leg joins her pussy. Nuzzle your face into her bush. Brush your lips over her slit without pressing down on it to further excite her. After you've done this to the point where your lady is bucking up from her seat and she's straining to get more of you closer to her, then put your lips right on top of her slit.
Kiss her, gently, then harder. Now use your tongue to separate her pussy lips and when she opens up, run your tongue up and down between the layers of pussy flesh. Gently spread her legs more with your hands. Everything you do with a woman you're about to eat must be done gently.
Tongue-fuck her. This feels define. It also teases the hell out of her because by now she wants some attention given to her clit. Check it out. See if her clit has gotten hard enough to peek out of it's covering. If so, lick it. If you can't see it, it might still be waiting for you underneath. So bring your tongue up tot he top of her slit and feel for her clit. You may barely experience it's presence. But even if you can't feel the tiny pearl, you can make it rise by licking the skin that covers it. Lick hard now and press into her skin.
Gently pull the pussy lips away and flick your tongue against the clit, hood covered or not. Do this quickly. This should cause her legs to shudder. When you sense she's getting up there toward orgasm, make your lips into an O and take the clit into your mouth. Start to suck gently and watch your lady's face for her reaction. If she can handle it, begin to suck harder. If she digs it, suck even harder. Go with her. If she lifts her pelvis into the air with the tension of her rising orgasm, move with her, don't fight her. Hang on, and keep your hot mouth on her clit. Don't let go. That's what she'll be saying too: 'Don't stop. Don't ever stop!'
There's a reason for that, most men stop too soon. Just like with cock sucking, this is something worth learning about and worth learning to do well. I know a man who's a lousy fuck, simply lousy, but he can eat pussy like nobody I know and he never has trouble getting a date. Girls are falling all over him.
But back to your pussy eating session...There's another thing you can do to intensify your woman's pleasure. You can finger-fuck her while she's enjoying your clit-licking talents. Before, curing or after. She'll really like it. In addition to the erogenous zones surrounding her clit, a woman has another extremely sensitive area at the roof of her vagina. This is what you rub up against when you're fucking her. Well, since your cock is pretty far away from your mouth, your fingers will have to do the fucking.
Take two fingers. One is too skinny and three is too wide and therefore can't get deep enough. Make sure they're wet so you don't irritate her skin. Slide them inside, slowly at first, then a little faster. Fuck her with them rhythmically. Speed up only when she does. Listen to her breathing.
She'll let you know what to do. If you're sucking her clit and finger-fucking her at the same time, you're giving her far more stimulation than you would be giving her with your cock alone. So you can count on it that she's getting high on this. If there's any doubt, check her out for symptoms. Each woman is unique. You may have one who's nipples get hard when she's excited or only when she's having an orgasm. Your girl might flush red or begin to tremble. Get to know her symptoms and you'll be a more sensitive lover.
When she starts to have an orgasm, for heaven's sakes, don't let go of that clit. Hang in there for the duration. When she starts to come down from the first orgasm, press your tongue along the underside of the clit, leaving your lips covering the top. Move your tongue in and out of her cunt. If your fingers are inside, move them a little too, gently though, things are extremely sensitive just now.
If you play your cards right, you'll get some multiple orgasms this way. A woman stays excited for a full hour after she's had an orgasm. Do you realize the full impact of that information? The potential? One woman was clocked at 56 orgasms at one sitting. Do you know what effect you would have on a woman you gave 56 orgasms to? She'd be yours as long as you wanted her.
The last advice I have for you is this: After you've made her come, make her your slave by giving her the best head she's ever had, don't leave her alone just yet. Talk to her, stroke her body, caress her breasts. Keep making love to her quietly until she's come all the way down. A man can get off and go to sleep in the same breath and feel no remorse, no sense of loss. But a woman by nature requires some sensitivity from her lover in those first few moments after sex.
Oral sex can be the most exciting sexual experiences you can have. But it's what you make it. Take your time, practice often, pay attention to your lover's signals, and most of all, enjoy yourself.
In my experience, one of the main reasons that partners avoid female oral sex is due to a percieved or even experienced poor taste. While it is true that women run the range from pleasant (tasty!) to sour or uric tasting, there are easy steps to ensure that your partner will be tasting her sweetest.
First and most obviously, a good vigorous shower will do much to neutralize the taste of your partner. In fact, oral sex in the shower, while not a favorite method of mine, has a completely neutral taste if you stick to the upper regions of your partner's sex. If your partner has not showered recently, or has physically exerted herself recently, her taste will be much stronger. This, however, can be a good thing!
Secondly, foreplay will improve upon both the taste and the experience in general if your can get her juices flowing. I have never found an extremely aroused, wet woman to taste unpleasant. Quite the contrary!
FOREPLAY:
Do it! Take your time! Have fun! Experiment! A common male misunderstanding is that females are aroused most through physical contact. Not true. I have aroused women greatly simply by acting sexy. Tension is a wonderful tool, use it. If you can build tension to the point where the barest touch sends electric shivers through both of you, you can't lose! Similarly, even the best love techniques will not turn on a woman who isn't in the mood. (If you can get her in the mood, well then you're talking.)
Take your time, explore your partner (there's a lot more there than nipples and a clitoris!), build tension, have fun.
There are two basic positions that I have found very versitile and succesful. For a very comfortable session, have her lie on her back with legs spread and knees bent slightly. Lie on your stomach between her legs, put your right arm under her left leg and your left arm under her right - somewhat of an intimate hug. Now you should find your head situated conveniently and comfortably near the center of your attention.
Less comfortable, but a bit wilder is the following. Lie on your back, prop a couple of pillows (or fold one over) under your head. Have your partner kneel facing you with one knee on each side of your head, above your shoulders. The sexy part of this position (IMHO) is that your partner can look down at you and watch you eating her out. (Yum) Versatility and comfort are reduced for the giver, so I only occasionally partake in this position.
These are by no means the only positions. Again, experiment, have fun. If you can find a bed where your partner can lie down with her legs dangling off the bed and resting flat on the floor, you're in luck. Now you can have her sit just at the edge of the bed, lie back, and give you plenty of access while you kneel/sit in front of her sex.
Woman are very different in some respects of their genitalia, but the major parts are the same. A woman's sex from the oral sex point of view consists of two sets of lips (outer and inner) that meet just below the vaginal opening and some variable distance above the clitoris; the vaginal opening (immediately above the nether meeting of above-mentioned lips), a smooth section of skin between the vaginal opening and the clitoris (I have no clue as to its technical name, hereafter it will be refered to as the "scav") and the clitoris and its surrounding folds.
If you get the chance, explore your partner in a location with decent lighting. Use your hand to spread her sex and explore her, find out what's where and what's what. Like I said earlier, women are different. Especially the location and shape of the clitoris. It can be buried, protruding, surrounded by many folds of flesh, or hanging out it the open. The best method I have found for finding your partner's clitoris (If all else fails, ask!), is to place a finger at the very base of her sex and gently run it up her scav until you feel a slight bump. That's it.
So your partner is showered, excited and feeling sexy. It's the big moment, what to do? Don't simply dive in. Take your time, excite her. In my opinion, I can usually tell how good my partner is at oral sex by how she "goes down" on me. By "going down" I mean the process by which she goes from kising my lips to sucking oh-so-wonderfully on my sex.
Depending on your partner, different methods of going down will work more effectively. If you've gotten to this point with your partner, you should have a fair idea of what she likes. Take advantage of that knowledge. One thing that I highly recommend however, is a sexy look. Sexy looks can make all the difference, and the best place to throw one in is as you're licking, sucking and kissing your way down her stomach stop, look up and smile devilishly.
Unbutton your partners jean's, pull the tabs back and kiss her newly exposed flesh. Unzip her pants, pull the tabs back as far as they can go and place light, tender kisses on her abdomen and around the top of her panties. Watch it, some women are very ticklish here!
(Note the above doesn't work so well if she doesn't have jeans on but you're all smart enough to figure it out...) Once you've removed everything but her panties, stop. You have a unique opportunity for further arousal. Kiss her legs and inner thighs with gentle kisses. Work your way up each leg and make a point of stopping at the line of her underwear. Kiss again along the top of her underwear, and along the other two borders.
Now move to her cotton (silk? lace? latex?) covered sex. Plant firm, dry kisses through her underwear on her sex, low and right around the vaginal entrance works best for me. If your partner is really excited, often her underwear will be damp and will smell (pleasantly) of her sex.
Removing the underwear is again a matter of choice. You know your partner best, I prefer either gently sliding it all the way off with my fingers, or pulling it part way down with my teeth first.
It is not unusual for your partner's lips to be closed together. A very excited woman's lips may be slightly spread allready ("pouting"). Again, building tension can be accomplished by light kisses on either side of her sex as well as light blowing. (Do not inflate your partner! This can be very dangerous!!) Spreading her lips can be accomplished by placing your tongue first at the base of her sex, and then firmly running your tongue all the way up. Continue with a few long licks from the base of her sex all the way to the top past her clitoris. Vary the firmness of your tongue from hard and pointed to broad and soft.
The best and most proven method of making your partner cum through oral sex is by repeated, rythmic stroking of her clitoris with your tongue. The tongue is uniquely suited for this purpose because of it's texture, versatility, and pliability. It is difficult (and tiring) to apply too much pressure to your partner's clitoris. Some women are much more sensitive than others however. Be receptive to any sharp gasps, you could be being too affectionate. If this is the case, move away from direct contact or adopt a gentler technique.
Repeated, rythmic stroking can be accomplished in a variety of ways. I prefer either rapid, repeated verticle licks with a firm, pointed tongue, or planting your tongue firmly against your partner's clitoris and vigorously shaking your head back and forth. (Tiring, maybe. But it's worth it!) If you are having trouble finding the correct angle or method for rhythmically lingually carresing her clitoris, or if you want to try something fun and new:
Toungue the abc's. No seriously! This is a great oral excercise on any part of the body. Toungue the abc's starting with lower case, and moving though upper case. (Heck, you could do the whole ANSI ASCII set if you'd like!) Be especially perceptive while you do this, vary your speed and watch for sharp intakes of breath - chances are you've hit the right angle. The abc's give a large variety of different strokes, so come back to this excersize as often as you'd like.
A general rule of thumb (tongue?) is to start slow and pick up the pace as you go along. This is definately a general rule though, feel free to break it by varying your rhythm, both slowly and predictably as well as quickly and startlingly.
Lick between the inner and outer lips; penetrate the vagina deeply (a much stronger, iron-like taste here); "tease" the entrance to her vagina with rapid pokes of your toungue at varying depths; don't forget your hands, often a woman will feel a need or ache for something inside of her while very aroused, oblige her with a finger or two. Both kissing and manually manipulating your partner is tough, anyone with succesful methods is welcome to pipe in.
Talk to your partner, ask her what she likes. Experiment (if you can) with many different partners. What excites one woman a lot may not excite another as much, but may still be well worth trying. On the other hand, you may not notice a subtle pleasurable technique on one woman that can be easily learned on another. The better you know your parnter, the more effectively you can please her. Have fun!
I tried to be a lot less pretentious than the male version of this article for a few reasons. The major one is that women are very different, the above suggestions may work wonderfully with one woman and so-so with another. Some women simply aren't responsive to oral sex due to strong moral constraints. Secondly, I am not an expert, though I love oral sex and have had the joy of pleasuring 10-20 women. Third, I am still young (18) and have a lot to learn.
So feel free to comment on what you've read (men and women) and reply either over the net or to me personally. Thanks. Hope you found this helpfull and enjoy!
Q. What is cunnilingus?
Cunnilingus is the fine art of making love to a vagina with your mouth and tongue. It is a delicate skill, requiring patience, practice, and dedication to get it right, but any woman you learn to do it right for will appreciate you all the more for it.
What applies to the penis applies to the vulva-- every one is different, requiring a different touch to make its owner happy. But few tools can equal the tongue for the amount of pleasure it can deliver to a happy vagina.
This article assumes that you know what a vulva looks like and can identify with some precision the mons veneris, labia majora, clitoral hood, clitoris, labia minora, urethra, vagina, and perineum, to name them (approximately) from top to bottom.
Q. How fast should I go?
This isn't an attack. Don't go after the clitoris like a fireman attacking a fire. Quite often at first, the clitoris is far too sensitive for direct stimulation. Lick around it, stimulating the hood, teasing her inner labia, tasting her. Take your time and listen to her. Some women make noise, and some do not. It will be a while before you learn exactly what your lover prefers as far as oral sex is concerned.
Some women may like additional stimulation-- a finger or two into the vagina, or perhaps even the anus. She may want your hands to reach up and play with her breasts, or she may want your fingers to hold her labia apart so that your tongue can get at her vulva more directly.
Q. I've heard cunnilingus doesn't taste good.
If the taste or smell bothers you or is a concern, ask her to wash first. Most people who enjoy cunnilingus agree that a clean vagina is a good, if acquired, taste.
As a woman nears her climax, she may want more direct stimulation. In general, fast, rhythmic stimulation is most effective at causing climax-- but there shouldn't be a rush to get there. Take your time and learn to appreciate what you can do for her.
Q. What about cunnilingus during menstruation?
Some people are particularly turned off at the suggestion of cunnilingus during menstruation. If it is a concern to you, then wait. A tampon may well hold the blood back, as will a diaphragm, but some men can't stand the taste anyway. If your partner is healthy, however, there is no particular danger in menstrual blood, and some women find that orgasms during their periods allievate cramps.
In my experience, when you try to explain to a man "in the moment" that he is doing oral sex (or sometimes anything) wrong, often the result is a disaster. You aren't into it, because you are trying to direct, and I guess for many guys it comes off as simply insulting. It isn't a very "supportive process," to borrow a friend's phraseology.
Example: "No, not there,...there..." (Quizzical looks, no change in behavior.)
Now, if you go looking for diagrams of women's vaginas, you will find yourself either looking at medical textbooks or special references, such as Our Bodies, Ourselves --- which, is presented as a "for women only" sort of thing. The original edition even gave this little rap to men about not buying it "for" women. Yeesh! Good book, but talk about "attitude." The new edition has thankfully dropped this negative proscription.
You will sometimes NOT even find a clear picture of a woman's vagina in a general sex reference, such as the original The Joy of Sex. And you won't find a discussion of the parts of the vulva in most places. Now, go look for a picture of a man's penis that is reasonably edifying, and you'll find them all over. I only discovered this when I tried to look it up, and since I had never purchased Our Bodies, Ourselves, I was SOL (corrected that, recently). I however, and all women, have a ready-made "reference manual," provided we have gotten over the idea, or never had it, that looking at it will somehow be a "bad thing." Men don't have this reference manual readily "at hand," at least if their partner, if they have one, is not immediately available and cooperative.
I have also read, and just reread, the Cunnilingus FAQ. Though it seemed excellent in terms of mood, style of approach, all the "beginning" stuff, I found when I applied her technique suggestions to me and my experience as a recipient, or my experience as a giver, it was a bit short on specifics. I am sure the described approach works very well for the woman who wrote it
So, you have gone through all the beginning motions, taking a reasonable amount of time, and you are starting to "get down to business." First, PLEASE turn on the lights. Working in the dark is for experts at best. I am assuming you are sitting between her legs, facing her, or some variation on this. Now really LOOK at what is there. Where her hair is (or was, some people shave) is the mons veneris, the pubic mound. If she is not aroused, everything is likely, but not guaranteed, to be enclosed within the outer lips or labia majora, the edges of the pubic mound that comes together to enclose her vulva.
As you spread this apart (she can bring her knees up and out, and/or you can use your hands), you will now see the inner folds of skin of the vulva, the inner lips or labia minora. These (usually) go all around the vaginal opening, and come in a variety of interesting and pleasing shapes and textures.
As you observe that this encircles the vaginal opening, at the top of this you will find what might look like a button or might look like a very tiny penis, covered by an additional flap of skin. The flap of skin is the "hood" of the clitoris, and is very sensitive, as is the clitoris. This is the female equivalent of the male foreskin, though it is much looser than that corresponding organ.
If you see what looks like a button underneath the hood, then what you are seeing is the glans of the clitoris, exactly equivalent to your own penis glans, or head of the penis. If you see a bit more than that, then there is probably some of the shaft of the clitoris extending in your partner. I stress this since most men would not be particularly enthused by a blow job that only gave attention to their penis head and extended not a centimeter below there. Many might find it annoying or even painful, depending on how rough their partner is with them and how sensitive they are to pain in that area. However, told "give attention to the clitoris," by fable and book, many brave soldiers run to do battle on the field of their woman's desires with their tongue, only to find their partner is telling them to please stop, it hurts, or it doesn't do anything for me. This may or may not be a comment on your technique, some women don't like oral sex. I would just like to suggest an approach that probably has a higher average success rate.
The shaft of the clitoris is attached internally, back into the body of the woman. Pressure on the spot above the glans and underneath the hood will generally give you access to the part of the shaft equivalent to the part of your penis that is towards your body, whereas underneath the glans will give you access to the part of the shaft that is equivalent to the part of your penis that is away from your body. It is likely that the skin directly below the glans will be functionally equivalent to what is for most men the most sensitive and pleasurable part of the penis for play, and the inner vaginal lips are also usually quite sensitive "in a good way." Going down/in/back, you may or may not see the urethra, if you do this is the location of the grafenberg spot (g-spot), which we have all heard on this newsgroup is quite varied in response, some women love stimulation there, others do not. Try licking your tongue around there, if it is visible, and see, in the course of your "investigations."
O.K., so now you have the picture. You did trim/file your nails first, didn't you? Play with your hands, play with your mouth, go all over, gently at first, increasing stimulation and focus as her body responds, and coming in "closer on" the clitoral area as she becomes more aroused. Lick, suck, point your tongue and apply pressure, use it like a "miniature penis" under the glans, penetrating her as you go, make little circles with your tongue, lick up and down along the skin in front of the clitoris, up and down the inner vaginal lips, etc. These are ideas, find some others, listen to her responses and comments. Remember to GO SLOW --- I believe impatience and expectations of quick response are "generally recognized as" the most common error in sexual encounters. Eventually the clitoris will become probably become erect, and stimulation that is "more direct" (like enclosing your mouth on the area and gently sucking) will stimulate a sufficient amount of the organ in question to be interesting. Watch what you are doing, and what happens, the entire area will become "engorged" and swollen if things are proceeding closer to orgasm.
Some women may not, or may prefer not, to orgasm this way. Most will probably, however, enjoy the experience a great deal. Hopefully this "explanation and comparison" to the corresponding male body parts will allow you to not be (still) in the dark with the lights on.
The Lone Gunmen aren't dead?!? Man, can you guys spoil this any more for me?!? Christ!!!
This could very well be a dream or a flashback sequence. Or they could be clones! (sorry, still in Star Wars mode)
I belong to the ______ generation.
*First* Slashdot ruins the show for loads of people by saying the Lone Gunmen are dead. *Then*, after all the backlash, Slashdot ruins the show *again* by revealing that they aren't!
Geez... you think they'd learn!
First you spoil the surprise of them dying, and now you spoil the surprise of them coming back?!
Thank you, Slashdot.
btw, ironically, you just Lone-Gunmanned the Lone Gunmen...AGAIN!
They were getting coffee for the crew. I miss those guys.... they should give their show another crack
..as long as you're in reruns.
If I had to guess, I'd say it's probably a vision or flashback of somesort.
Skinner transferred the bodies for testing. They are NOT buried in Arlington.
Dead people have appeared before.
Flashbacks, hallucinaions, imagination, video, flashbacks...
The other day I found an amusing and informative text file on some BBS or other, explaining how to make a lifelike, artificial vagina "out of common household products." Hey, I thought, I've tried that. (Bet you have, too. Be honest.) I was intrigued. The guy who wrote it calls his device Porta-Pussy. It involves a mailing tube, a string, and a balloon. Basically, you lower the balloon into the tube, stretch the neck of the balloon to overlap the outer edge of the tube, then use the string to stretch the balloon down the length of the tube. He suggests taping the tube to the edge of a table, kneeling down and licking it for a while, then standing up and fucking it.
I just tried fucking it. It wasn't bad. I decided not to try the advanced applications, though, which include sticking a dildo up your ass and drinking the cum as it leaks out of the tube. Another time, maybe. But I did admire his imaginative design; simple to make, reasonable facsimile, easy cleanup (throw away the balloon). His description made fun reading, too; "How I Spell Relief." I encourage others to download his file(called IWACK1.ZIP).
So, in a spirit of sharing, here's my technique. It doesn't look as authentic as his, and it takes more preparation, but I think it feels MUCH closer to the real thing. Close your eyes and the PseudoCunt (this name just occurred to me; snappy, huh?) feels
just EXACTLY like a warm, wet, tight pussy. You think I'm kidding, right? Nope. Read on, if you're so inclined.
CONTENTS:
1- Registration
2- Materials two boxes)
* Sturdy rubber band
* Several big, firm sofa cushions (optional)
* Your favorite masturbation fantasies in magazine, video,
gif, or virtual form
CONSTRUCTION:
1- Find a suitable container. This is the tough part. The best one I've found is an overlarge Mason-type jar (about 11" tall), though these are hard to find. Second choice would be a length of PVC pipe sealed at one end, or a mailing tube, but it should be at least five inches in diameter. A half-gallon cardboard milk carton might work, with clever modifications.
2- In a large pot, bring two or three quarts of water to full boil. Add a tablespoon of vegetable oil and a pinch of salt. Boil spaghetti to aldente texture (about 8 minutes).
Any pasta will do, but I find spaghetti and fettucini most satisfactory.
3- Drain spaghetti, but do not rinse. Mix in A FEW DROPS of vegetable oil (be CAREFUL not to use too much; use just enough to keep the spaghetti from sticking together) and stir well. Set aside in colander until cool enough to handle.
4- While spaghetti is cooling, melt some butter (not much; about 1/3 of one of those little butter pats you get with toast in a diner is enough). Don't let it boil; 15-30 seconds in the microwave should do it.
5- Stuff spaghetti into the container described in Step 1. Really pack it in tightly; as tight as you can cram it in. This is crucial to success. I use wooden cooking implements to tamp it down. When the jar is about 3/4 full, bore a hole down the center with something long and moderately thin (I use the long handle of a wooden stirring spoon) and continue
packing spaghetti around it, up the brim. Remember to pack tightly; spaghetti will compress a lot more than you'd think.
6- At this point, remove the rod or dowel or whatever, and pour a SMALL amount of melted butter down into the little hole to lubricate it. (By the way, I've found that butter or
margarine feels much more like the creamy inside of an aroused cunt than any kind of oil; and I've tried quite a few). Stick your finger in and work the lubrication down into the little hole. Feels interesting, doesn't it? Close your eyes and probe, slowly; does that feel just EXACTLY like a wet pussy hole, or what?
7- Now, use something wider and slightly tapered to widen the mouth of the surrogate vagina (I use the neck of a wine or beer bottle). Do this gently, and don't widen it to your full dick diameter; you want it to be nice and tight.
8- Cut a generous length of Saran Wrap and stretch it tightly over the mouth of the jar. Fasten it tightly with the rubber band. Now punch a hole in the Saran Wrap in the
obvious place. (Use a pencil, or a spoon handle, not a knife; a sharp cut will make the Saran Wrap tear.)
HOW TO USE:
1- Pile two or more big, thick sofa cushions on top of each other. Make an identical pile next to the first, leaving a 12-inch space between the two piles.
2- In the space between the cushions, spread a towel (or newspaper) on the floor. If properly constructed, your PseudoCunt should not make a mess unless you really get carried away, but it's a good idea to protect against this possibility.
3- Position the PseudoCunt jar on the floor between the two cushion piles.
4- Lie across the cushion piles, chest on one, thighs on the other, dick dangling in the space between. Now, gaze lovingly at whatever fantasy object you prefer, tease the head of your dick against the warm, slick mouth and begin fucking.
HINTS AND TECHNIQUES:
* Before you get started, check with your finger to make sure your PseudoCunt has cooled to the proper temperature. You don't want to burn yourself. Optimum temperature should be obvious if you're a reasonably sexually active person. Push your finger in as deeply as you can; the bottom of the jar may be too hot even though the mouth is a nice, warm, cuntlike temperature.
* The PseudoCunt is not recommended for quickies. Choose a time when you're absolutely certain you'll be alone and undisturbed. PseudoCunt takes some time to prepare, and a
fair amount of what's called in cinema and theater circles 'suspension of disbelief.' It can't be fully enjoyed if you're worried about your wife or girlfriend walking in and
finding you fucking a jar of spaghetti.
* Size of the container is important. Make sure it is at least two inches deeper than your dick is long, and wide enough so that your dick is surrounded by a generous cushion of pseudo cuntflesh. You don't want to bang up against the hard sides or bottom of the thing at a crucial moment.
* Shape of the container is important, too. I like the jumbo jar configuration because the "shoulders" of the jar where the neck narrows help to keep the spaghetti in place when
you withdraw on the out-strokes.
* Don't use too much butter. A very small amount should suffice. Remember that your own secretions will increase the lubricating effect. It's not generally recognized that grease and oils actually DE-sensitize erectile tissue. A thin coat of oil on your dick is like wearing a condom. I find that the absolutely perfect effect is achieved by adding just a tiny amount of butter, then slathering saliva all over my dick just before first penetration. The combination of butter, saliva and natural lubrication that leaks from your dick feels closer to authentic vagina arousal than any oil I've ever tried.
* Make adequate preparations. Arrange your favorite magazines on the floor in front of you, or display a particularly fascinating
* For best results, fuck slowly and gently on first penetration. This allows the PseudoCunt hole to adjust to the proper diameter.
* Don't ram your dick in to the bottom at first. Go slowly, and try to restrain yourself as long as possible, fucking a just a little deeper at a time. Each time you stroke a little deeper, the PseudoCunt is a little tighter, and incrementally warmer. The sensation is fabulous if prolonged. I like to keep the last inch or so unpenetrated until I'm just at the point of cumming, then grunt and howl and plunge to the bottom and blast my sperm into the tight warmth deep down inside.
* Sound effects, if authentic, can really heighten the effect. Porn videos just don't do it for me. Too contrived. I have a few audio tapes that do, though, and once in a while I'll put on the headphones while fucking my Pseudocunt. One is a tape I made by concealing the microphone in the headboard of the bed before fucking my wife doggy-style (you should consider trying this; it's incredibly arousing to hear the rutting grunts and screams of a woman you know). The rest are recordings of phone-sex conversations with two former girlfriends -- one in particular, whose panting and gasping and whimpering as she masturbates is truly phenomenal.
* Shed all inhibitions. Admit to yourself that, while this may seem truly bizarre behavior, it feels incredibly good. Get hedonistic. Get totally naked. Or wear leather, or panties
and a bra, or clothespins on your scrotum, whatever makes your dick throb and ooze.
TROUBLESHOOTING
If you experience problems with your PseudoCunt, the fault most likely lies in your choice of materials, or lack of attention to proper construction techniques.
Commonly experienced problems usually have simple solutions:
Too hot for comfort
If too hot, allow to cool at room temperature. Don't get impatient and put it in the freezer, or outside in a snowbank. If it cools unevenly, you're in for a very unpleasant surprise.
Not warm enough
If too cool, place jar in a pan of water on the stove and simmer for at least 30 minutes. To spread heat more evenly, make sure the water covers at least 2/3 of the jar, and place a wire rack beneath the jar to raise it off the bottom of the pan. If a glass jar is used, you can heat it in a microwave oven for a minute or so. [This procedure is not recommended if using a waxed cardboard milk carton.]
These heating techniques, by the way, are handy for repeated use of your PseudoCunt between washings, unless you're too squeamish for sloppy seconds.
It's also occurred to me that a hair dryer might be a quick alternative, but I haven't tried this. I'm not sure I could maintain a hardon or a straight face kneeling there naked and blow-drying a jar of spaghetti.
Bits of greasy spaghetti cling to your dick on withdrawal
This is normal. While the problem cannot be eliminated entirely, the effect can be minimized by several means:
1- Make sure spaghetti is packed in VERY tightly.
2- Use a high-shouldered jar (see above) to help keep the spaghetti in place on the out strokes.
3- Make sure hole in Saran Wrap is not too large. Punch, do not cut, this hole to prevent tearing.
PseudoCunt makes distracting slurping noises
You used too much butter, or oil, or both. Or you've gang-banged your PseudoCunt one too many times and you need to clean it out and start over again at Step 2.
Of course, if you want to fantasize about oral sex, this could be regarded as a design feature rather than a problem.
Greasy stains on sofa cushions
My wife responds to greasy stains on upholstery by immediately dumping a big pile of talcum powder on the spill, letting it sit for a while, vacuuming it off later, then calling in a professional furniture cleaner to finish the job. I try to avoid stains by making sure the Saran Wrap is tightly secured with the rubber band, and by spreading a towel over thleading edge of the sofa cushion pile. I'd rather not have to explain PseudoCunt stains to my wife.
Fetid stench
Throw away the spaghetti and wash the damn thing. Unless mold and bacteria growth play an essential role in your sexual fantasies, repeated use of the PseudoCunt is not recommended beyond, say, 24 hours. Refrigerate after use.
WHY I CREATED PSEUDOCUNT
No, I'm not a social outcast or a phobic recluse. I have a normal sex life (pretty fabulous, actually) so I should explain why I continued to experiment with masturbation techniques in adulthood, long after abandoning the clumsy remedies most teens invent to draw off excess spunk. One reason is simply that I'm a very sensuous person with a vivid imagination. I've found that I can occasionally attain amazing heights of sexual arousal when I masturbate. At the risk of sounding immodest, I've induced some of the best orgasms I've ever had.Another reason is that I am aware of absolutely no physical or psychological reasons not to masturbate, and can't help wondering if the world might not be a better place if more people did. Whether they use fists or balloons or spaghetti.
Finally, it provides a fabulous way to indulge certain sexual fantasies that just can't be shared no matter how skilled and understanding one's lover may be. Know what I mean? If you're inclined to give this thing a try, I hope it enhances your own secret fantasies as much as it does mine. If you have a technique of your own, write it up and post it for others to share. If you find the whole concept disgusting, why did you read this far?
C - A language that combines the speed of assembly with the ease of use of assembly.
Keep in mind we never saw them dead. All we saw were some closed coffins being buried. They probably just went underground and the funeral was a cover. The guys have probably been hanging out with Mulder, eating pizza and watching porn videos.
Hey, it's TV. No ever actually dies on a TV show, especially on a science fiction one...
Trickster Coyote
It must be true - I saw it on TV.
Ideology is for ideots.
Remember this?
"'Tis great confidence in a friend to tell him your faults, greater to tell him his." --Poor Richard's Almanac
Nothing to be alarmed about here, folks.
The Lone Gunman aren't dead, their publication was just temporarily shut down due to DMCA violations.
Moderation Totals: Flamebait=2, Troll=1, Redundant=1, Insightful=6, Overrated=1, Underrated=1, Total=12. (not mine)
OMG!!! This time Darth Neal will finish them off.
You need a FREE iPod Nano
Hemos, try as you may, you can't use this story to make up for Slashdot's (or chrisd's) horrible "The Lone Gunmen Are Dead" headline. Because your typically-intellectual readers are well aware of the possibilities of flashbacks, dream sequences, and other such plot devices, there are other explanations than what seems to be your "See... chrisd wasn't correct in saying the Lone Gunmen are dead! California needn't be pissed off at us anymore!"
::Colz Grigor // It was appropriate that in his review of Attack of the Clones, Taco used "lone gunmen" as a verb... Long live CmdrTaco!
Maybe the best possible solution would be for Slashdot to stick to computer-related stuff and avoid the "Entertainment" subject altogether? Though I must say I'm pretty pleased with simply exlcuding every story posted by chrisd.
"The Lone Gunman Are Dead"
* * *
"The Lone Gunmen Aren't Dead"
Gee people....if yer gonna spoil episodes, at least get your facts straight. :-)
--an unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys--
Or is it? Executive producer Frank Spotnitz says the two-hour finale "puts all the pieces together in as straightforward a manner as possible. We give a very definite answer about what's going to happen to the world. But then we pose the question: Can fate be changed? That's the heart of the [episode]." Appropriately, David Duchovny returns to the role of Fox Mulder, who reappears after a yearlong absence and reunites with Scully (Gillian Anderson). Mulder is charged with murder, and Spotnitz says that the resulting military tribunal "creates the framework that allows us to explain what Mulder's been doing for the last nine years." Expect a lot of flashbacks, as well as the reemergence of some infamous characters.
A second X-Files movie is contemplated after the series ends. "It's not like [the characters'] lives come to an end at the end of the TV series," Spotnitz says. "But I think they've all taken a journey and ended up at a place that feels like completion." Gen. Suveg: William Devane. Toothpick Man: Alan Dale. Skinner: Mitch Pileggi.
Well, there goes that surprise from tomorrow's show.
Hey! Thanks for ruining the ending of the episode... AGAIN! How many spoilers about the Lone Gunmen are we going to have, anyway?
Don't trust a bull's horn, a doberman's tooth, a runaway horse or me.
Check out the info on the xfiles page, tvguide.com, tv.yahoo.com, just about anything and you will learn Mulder comes up before a military tribunal to defend himself and his work. Now, would that make an interesting series finale, two hours of interview, or do you think they will spread that out with FLASHBACKS and RECOLLECTIONS of what Mulder has found? Just a thought.
A: You're doing it again.
B: What's that?
A: That talking thing....stop it.
You've apparently learned nothing from the last time you revealed something about the X-Files in advance.
And don't try to explain yourselves by saying it's not a spoiler, just a rumor. For some people, rumors are too much.
I stopped visiting Star Trek boards because some people just couldn't keep themselves from accidentally revealing small details about the next movie. Those small details weren't clearly spoilers either, but eventually details pile up to form a bigger picture... One I don't want to have yet!!
Will I have to stop visiting Slashdot too? Hope not...
My Sig: SEGV
Is still dead.
Sweet Jebus. I wasted four minutes of my life on that fucking tripe and I want them back. I honestly don't know why I keep falling for it and clicking those 'Dude, there's something really spiffy-keen on Salon you should read, dude' links. Same smarmy know-it-all asshole pretense. Same total ignorance of the subject matter, no matter what it is, and above and beyond that, _actual pride_ in the ignorance. Same incoherent, pointless rambling. GIVE ME BACK MY FOUR MINUTES.
Fuck Salon a lot. At least their business model guarantees they won't be around much longer.
Hate to break it to you, but nobody wathes that lame show anymore...
why'd you have to go lone gunmen that episode for us.
We care - why? This has *what* to do with *anything* remotely related with Linux and Microsoft?
What a shame too. Those guys were great.
In the picture, Langly is wearing the exact same shirt that he was wearing in the episode where they died. Of course, it's very possible that he just doesn't wash his clothes all that often, especially after being "dead" for a while.
Its called a flashback. You know, one of those sequences showing something that has occurred at a previous point in time.
I'm not an X-Files fan. But one of the dudes that plays the lone gunmen is a vancouver actor. He was on a local show by the name of Urban Rush. And he said that he would be in the final episode.
Chris Carter mentions something in TV Guide about a lot of characters "coming back" for Mulder's trial, which is the plot of the last episode. It sounds like quite a few characters are going to turn out to be alive. I certainly wouldn't be surprised if we end up finding out that guys like X and The Cigarette Smoking Man are back, and I know that some characters that were definitely dead just a few episodes a go will be alive for the last episode.
And I don't mean flashbacks or anything like that, either. Some of these characters have just been alive all along and either faked their deaths or were resurrected somehow.
In one of the last episodes, we were led to believe they died (and were BURRIED) after the poison oozed from the dude. If they are still alive, well, it's classic X-Files. If it's a flashback, well, it's classic X-Files. give it a freakin' rest.
-- oodabadabaY
Always remember: if you don't find the bodies, then they're still alive.
Of course they're alive. There was no super-toxic-virus or anything. It was all a huge misunderstanding. The guy just had insane gas and was looking for the closest bathroom.
The first rule of the Lone Gunmen is, you don't talk about the Lone Gunmen.
The second rule of the Lone Gunmen is, You Do Not Talk about the Lone Gunmen!
Im getting really tired of Slashdot spoiling it in the headlines.
"Derp de derp."
First you go and give away that they're dead before I get a chance to see it, and then you give away that they're still alive before I get a chance to see it. You guys really hate me, don't you?
--Dan
you should see a shrink
Careful viewers would have noticed in the preview after last weeks episode that they had a quick image of Alex Krychek.
He was killed quite dead last season with a bullet to the head in an FBI garage. I don't think they allowed him to crawl away like the Smoking Man did after only being shot in the chest (and hence allowed for his return at the end of season 5).
So most likely these are flashback images from Mulder or other cast members.
- A non-productive mind is with absolutely zero balance.
- AC
But they could be appearing in a flashback. Oops, this is probably a spoiler =)
You stupid mother fucker. Why can't you just let people watch the show and find out what happens for themselves? Instead you and your stupid fucking editorial staff have to spoil it for all. You'd think that being a socialist would make you care about other people, but NO. You stupid cock suckers, I hope you choke on Timothy's cock.
... fuck Salon in their stupid asses ...
News for Nerds or Stuff that Matters? You know, it seems more and more stories on slashdot don't fall into either catagory. Maybe I'm just not "nerdy" enough?
3cx.org - A truly bad website.
Kevin Spacey is Kayser Soze and the narrator IS Tyler Durden...
/.)
You guys are doing a good track record for the "Let's not ruin the ending of the bloody series for everybody" bit... especially since some people have been waiting all season for this...
(Honestly, if I were paying attention to this show, I wouldn't go anywhere NEAR the show's website for fear of ruining it... thanks,
Karma: Non-Heinous
I submitted this story about two weeks ago but with a link to a scifi.com/scifiwire article where they said something along the lines of "it was unclear whether the Lone Gunmen would return alive or in some kind of flashback."
All dressed in grey/black, I think the middle one usually wears a brown shirt..., and the left one wearing a "... lives" t-shirt...
maybe it's a visit from the afterlife =P
After the Lone Gunmen fiasco, you would think that Slashdot has learned its lesson about spoilers. Hell, the new term "Lone Gunmen," meaning "giving SPOILERS", has even fairly popular on Slashdot. But no, now Slashdot is trying to "Lone Gunmen" the Lone Gunmen once again.
Adidas To Bring Back Sneakernet
Shouldn't this be a slashback?
Isn't that an oxymoron? Or are the creators of the X-files grammatically challenged just like the Slashdot editors?
[For the dense, I'm refering to the use of the adjective lone in connection with the plural word gunmen]
Mmmm.. Donuts
I don't remember who said it; but during one of their season specials where they talk about happenings up until the current show, one of the writers (creators, actors?) said, "No one ever really dies in the X-Files." This was when a picture of Deep Throat getting shot came up.
IMHO, to the X-Files fanaticists, it should be no surprise to see the Lone Gunmen still alive.
Of course they're not dead. We never saw the bodies. Granted, when last we saw them they were in a rather bad situation, but after that all we saw were closed coffins. Anyone who watches the xfiles should know that *anything* can be in closed coffins. Or not in.
So their images apear in the episode, what does that mean? It could be a flashback, a hallucination, a dream, someone's thought sequence. Numerous possibilities exist for them to appear in the final episode and still be quite dead. I'm afraid this battle station will be quite operational when your friends arrive.
The Geddy Lee guy's look is obviously a flashback.
.
SOEMONE SED THTA
According to an interview with David Duchovny in Newsweek May 20th, 2002 on page 75
NEWSWEEK:IF I pay you, will you tell me how the series ends?
David:...I'll say this: it ends in bed.
So the show on Sunday will end with Scully and Mulder in bed, applying that they just had sex, or are going to. They will probably be smoking cigerattes and and say the cliche 'Was it good for you?' then cut to credits.
We'll find out tomorrow, but the explanation for this could be as simple as an error on the website, a dream sequence featuring the lone gunmen, or even a flashback. Of course, it's always possible they didn't really die, or that they got resurrected (happens all the time on the show :). As in soap operas, nothing is guaranteed permanent.
I'm from Denmark and we're not even halfway through Season 9... Please, no more spoilers
those are the same clothes they wore in the episode where they died
the shirt says joey lives (joey ramone)
Great, spoil the Loan Gunman being dead, then spoil them not being dead! I should just stop reading slashdot 'till the end of the series.
"I have fallen off the wagon, for I am a slave to tea."
Think about it. They could fit right in on 3rd Rock from the Sun.
I don't try to be right, I just try to make people think
Mulder is on trial, and they show clips from their previous cases - doesn't sound to promising.
If Google really cared they would fix Android Chrome to reflow text, instead of discriminating
It could be a good lead-in to their next show: The Undead Lone Gunmen.
One line blog. I hear that they're called Twitters now.
X-Files boils down to too much hokey pseudo-mysterious pop-science bullshit and too little development of the discoveries and conspiracies already presented. There's no way they can wrap up everything even if they had another season. They had a half-dozen seasons worth of episodes to wrap things up properly, and they missed their chance.
Does anyone care about whether the Lone Gunmen are dead or alive? Does anyone actually expect Carter to redeem himself?
How do we even know Smoking Man is dead? We saw Krycheck push his wheelchair down a flight of stairs, and he was unconscious at the bottom, but Krycheck didn't even check for a pulse before walking away.
That that is is that that that that is not is not.
and what?
you would rather have galavanted around with The (Q)ueer?
one bonus of that scenario: you'd get to spend eternity pillaging and tormenting unlimited species for one reason: because you can.
True, this is.
... as Gillian Anderson herself confirmed on Letterman a few weeks ago.
The question: was it before or after she made out with David Letterman?!
Thanks guys! First you spoiled the final season by telling me that the Lone Gunmen die, then, before I've even had a chance to see that friggin' episode, you tell me "er..no, not really", thus spoiling the final episode!
Well, after the last episode, krychek (however his name goes) is finally dead. It turns out that Mulder was being framed by the military for having killed krychek, who is a supersoldier (and can't be killed). So everybody busts Mulder out of a military prison before they lethal-inject him. Then, they find out something about the final date of aliens taking over the earth (earth:final conflict, or first wave?). Then krychek gets killed _DEAD_ and so does the CSM (gets the wrong end of a missile, and you see him do a disintegration act (remember the bad guy in indiana jones & the grail). Mulder and Scully & Friends all get away (no guarantees though... hehehe) Too bad I was too busy (yawn) reading about microcontrollers to actually _watch_ what was going on.
Yaay, seems like they finally put this show out of our misery. Kinda reminds me of the family dog I had loved som much, but was kind of relieved once got put down, since she couldn't eat, sleep or move properly anymore. But hey, Dune is on the Space channel right now...
no one could have predicted the use of planes as missles.
Which is why the nerve gas did not kill them.
Sorry for the spoiler...
After having watched the last episode, the Line Gunmen are dead, it was just visions Mulder was having, or perhaps the dead visiting him. Wasn't really sure which. Knowing the X-Files, probably the latter!
The lone gunmen are dead. In order not to be seen as un-american, Chris Carter dropped them. In this current environment of jingoism and self worhip in the wake of 9-11, as we all grieve and try to heal our wounded souls, three geeks fighting government conspiracies are not politically correct. The first episode of their show was about government forces intending to crash a plan into the WTC, and blame it on terrorists, in order to bring back the military-industrial complex's cold war era profitability. Having seen that made 9-11 surreal! I could not believe that it actually had happened.To avoid giving conspiracy nuts ideas, Carter kicked our favorite conspiracy uncoverors to the curb. He doesn't want to be called to congress for the next round of Mcarthyite hearings when opportunistic politicians try to claim that there are pro-terrorist people in Hollywood.
The Uncoveror: It's the real news.
Dude, this is the X-Files, they don't need any reason to bring dead characters back.
True, since the Final Ep has already shown in the US we now know that they were some of the 'dead' characters to come back in a halucination/waking dream to Mulder to give him advice. But the final Ep several times reminds us that super soldiers can't really be killed except with magnatite from certain meteors. And that Mulder's sister was cloned multiple times allowing for multiple deaths during the series of his sister, though we are told she actually dies in the 80's.
The only thing good about that is that you get to see your least favourite characters die repeatedly.
Of course we also know they did bring back CSM from the 'presumed dead' to actually and pretty much beyond doubt kill him since they show him melting in a bomb blast, and since he is in a cave where super-soldiers can't enter, we know they can't use that excuse for bringing him back. But it still leaves cloning.
I hope they bring TLG back for the second film, it just would be the X-Files without them. As for CSM, let's hope that he is well and truly dead this time, though I hope to see the actor appear in other venues since he was a very good bad guy without being campy.
Work for Change & GET PAID!
The Lone Gonemen and several other peeps were in the series finale as Mulder's visions.
I liked how the finale brought a lot of things together, but the finale still left entirely too much unanswered, as if to say, "the X-Files will be back." But it won't.
I'm not one of those people that goes around saying this sucked, that sucked, but this series finale was a complete waste of two hours for me.
It had this explanation for the black oil. Life on Earth was seeded by meteorites from Mars. Well, this is an old idea, called Panspermia. You don't have to be a conspiracy nut to give it consideration.
The Mars inoculation of life on Earth came with an "Alien Virus". Excuse me? If the inoculant for all life on Earth came from from Mars, and the virus is also from Mars, how is it any more alien than any other life on Earth?
As for CSM, let's hope that he is well and truly dead this time, though I hope to see the actor appear in other venues since he was a very good bad guy without being campy.
He (the actor, William B. Davis) was also a very good speaker when he came to the University of Lethbridge. Spoke on a variety of interesting subjects, most of them X-Files related somehow or another, was quite amusing, I took one of the arrow posters off the wall and had him sign it. Probably in the landfill now, but he was still pretty cool.
Factoid: He's actually an ex-smoker. When he appeared on the first episode of the X-Files, the producers asked him if he wanted real cigarettes or the fake herbal ones. He figured he was cured of his addiction, and went for the real ones. After finding himself getting itchy for them when he got home, he decided that it was no more real ones for him, despite the fact that the herbal ones are truly putrid.
--Dan