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What is Your Best Tech Joke?
3770 asks: "There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary numbers and those who don't. -- OK, I'm having a slow day at work. What is your favorite techie joke? I'm asking you! Make me laugh!"
View this site. I am sure most will get a good laugh.
http://chroniclesofgeorge.nanc.com/
enjoy!
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand hexadecimal and those who don't.
For some reason people don't get it...
I feel like rainman - so it's probably really obvious.
Posting anon so I don't get laughed off of /. for not knowing.
Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
Yes, I know, oldie but goodie.
sulli
RTFJ.
here's the one question geek test. i guess if you get the joke, then you're a geek.
Gyrate Dot Org - "Where high-tech meets low-life"
To get to the same side.
A lawyer, a doctor and a computer engineer were driving a car up a curvy, hilly road.
The car speeds around a corner, slips, smashes through the highway barrier, and flies down a cliff.
By some miracle, the 3 people survived.
The doctor immediately said: "We need to make sure that everyone is ok. Any bones broken?"
The lawyer said: "We need to find out who built that defective road and sue them!"
The engineer said: "Hold on, just wait a minute. Don't jump to conclusions. What we gotta do is push the car back up the hill and see if this happens again."
"Can of worms? The can is open... the worms are everywhere."
Slashdot News for Nerds. Stuff that matters.
Try this binary to decimal tutorial.
It's quite helpful.
"Can of worms? The can is open... the worms are everywhere."
This is a reprint from a post on rec.humor.funny from about 7 years ago:
Hi-Tech Coasters - Free!
This is a special, limited offer for free hi-tech coasters to place your cups and mugs upon.
Sized and shaped exactly like 3 1/2" high density disks, these durable plastic coasters will provide years of service while keeping your hardwood furniture free of those nasty rings of dried soda and coffee. Order several to leave around the house - for the living room, next to the computer, etc. Coasters can be custom printed with the word "Macintosh" or "Windows" to suit your individual preferences.
Flash! For extra-large mugs, we now provide coasters that are the exact size and shape as CD-ROM's! Be the first on the block to put your mug down on the hippest coaster today!
For your free coaster, call America Online today at (800) 445-6622. Order now!
This sig no verb.
Disclaimer: I didn't write this, I have no idea who did.
WRITE IN C
(sung to The Beatles "Let it Be")
When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom: "Write in C."
As the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers "Write in C."
Write in C, write in C, Write in C, write in C.
LISP is dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN, for science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics! Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to Write in C.
Write in C, write in C, Write In C, yeah, write in C.
Only wimps use BASIC. Write in C.
Write in C, write in C, Write in C, oh, write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it. Write in C.
Guitar Solo
Write in C, write in C, Write in C, yeah, write in C.
Don't even mention COBOL. Write in C.
And when the screen is fuzzy, And the editor is bugging me.
I'm sick of ones and zeroes. Write in C.
A thousand people people swear that T.P.
Seven is the one for me.
I hate the word PROCEDURE, Write in C.
Write in C, write in C, Write in C, yeah, write in C.
PL1 is 80's, Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
The government loves ADA,
Write in C.
"Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning." Bill Gates Yeah Right!
Two atoms are talking to each other, and one says,
"I think I've just lost an electron!"
"Are you certain?" the other replies.
"Yes! I'm positive!"
and a science/sporting one:
Q: How much force does it take to stop a propeller?
A: About half a Newton.
Why, that's easy: Microsoft!
"Yeah, well, Dracula called and he's coming over tonight for you and I said okay."
while horse==dead
{
beat(horse);
}
This sig no verb.
those email chains that go around every now and then that include some sort of audio.
the intention is for the listener to be at work or similar environment where there are otehr people. the audio gets progressively less and less, forcing the listener to turn up the volume on their speakers. right at the end, in a very loud voice - "Porn! We're checkin' out porn over here!"
Just picture a PHB hearing THAT come from his cube farm!
The One Rule Of Chess You'll Ever Need: Don't play someone who carries a kit in their bookbag.
The engineer goes first. She builds a circular fence about 100m in diameter, and states that her design is the most efficient under the conditions stated.
With much handwaving, the Physicist proposes to build a fence around the equator of the earth, as the curvature of the 2D surface of the earth in 3D will enable more area to be enclosed per unit of perimeter. His design is thrown out for lack of practicality.
By this time, the Mathematician has finished thinking. The Engineer and the Physicist follow him to the very back of the Texan's property. He takes 4 short sections of fence, builds a tiny fence around himself, and says...
"I declare myself to be on the outside."
Learn to Play Go
but at least it's the best one I got today.
I got a email from a stubborn and clueless tech consultant who insisted on adding '... and creation date < system date' in the SQL query.
I calmly explained to her that 'creation date < system date' always holds true, unless, of course, the user could go to future and create a case there.
She doesn't seem to get the joke, and today I got a email, cc to my and her bosses, saying that we must 'creation date < system date' so that we would not miss those cases created 'in the future'....and she dare quote me on that!
Yo momma's so slutty she gives it up in O(1) time!
Be alert, the world needs more lerts.
-
You will pay for your sins!
If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
-
Be aloof, there's been a sudden population explosion of lerts.
-
A chicken, a bear, and a programmer walked into a bar. And the bartender said, "What is this, a joke?"
-
Have you read my journal today?
Yo momma's so dirty she throws gmake clean into an infinite loop!
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. - Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation
Why'd the monkey fall off the tree.... Cuz' it was DEAD... -Frisco
C:\> DOS
C:\> DOS RUN
RUN DOS RUN
it's old, but I still smile at it.
The GeekNights podcast is going strong. Listen!
How about the Bastard Operator From Hell? It's not quite a joke, but funny nonetheless. Especially for sysadmins.
TANSTAAFI: There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free iPod.
His staff asks him what he is going to do with the money.
"I'm going to keep running this ISP until it's gone."
OBDisclaimer: I use to own/run an ISP. Pity me.
Microsoft Antitrust Trial Decision
There is a kind of people in the world. Those who understand binary hidden in hexadecimal and those who don't.
evolution of a programmer
A Mathematician, a Biologist, and a Statician are watching people going in and coming out of the building on the other side of the street. First they see two people going in - after awhile three people come out.
The Biologist concludes, "They're mating!"
The Statician says, "No, no, no - The measurement wasn't accurate."
The Mathematician says, "If someone else goes in, it'll be empty."
Keep your packets off my GNU/Girlfriend!
There are 3 kinds of people in the world. Those who know how to count and those who don't.
Alexis 'jeriqo' BRET
Don't use BASIC. In fact, *NO* programmers use BASIC after reaching puberty.
Don't use Cobol. Cobol is for wimpy applications programmers.
Don't use Fortran. Fortran is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks, pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.
Don't use PL/I. Pl/I is for insecure momma's boys who can't choose between Cobol and Fortran.
Don't use APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line.
Don't use LISP. Only effeminate progammers use more parentheses than actual code.
Don't use Pascal, Bliss, ADA or any of those sissy-pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories.
Don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even know how to spell quiche.They like Twinkies, Old Coke, palate-scorching Szechwan food, and Tacos.
Don't write applications programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can't do systems programming.
Don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get. They are lucky to get any program at all.
Don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and even harder to modify, and impossible to use.
Don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them.
Don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the novice and a coward.
Never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 a.m. it's because they were up all night.
Don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is ok, and real programmers often wear climbing boots to work, in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
Disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive, prematurely toilet-trained neurotics, who wear neckties and carefully line up sharpened pencils on an otherwise uncluttered desk.
Don't like the team programming concept. Unless of course, they are the Chief Programmer.
Have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. Managers are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives.
Scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big".
Don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. they prefer BMWs, Lincolns or pick-up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.
Don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules.
Like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by the cpu.
Microsoft Works
Stupidity is mis-underestimated.
How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None : That's a hardware problem.
A sig line from back-in-the-day:
Stupid dog, quit chewing on the phone line*&&^_&$#6k
NO TERRIER
"Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning." Bill Gates Yeah Right!
Why did the computer engineer get Halloween and Christmas confused?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are playing a round of golf. They get behind a pair that is playing amazingly slow. After some time they realize that these two men are blind.
"What a sad way to spend one's life," said the priest. "I will say a prayer for them."
"I have a good friend that is an eye surgeon," said the doctor, "maybe I could get them some help."
The engineer thought for a second, "Why don't these guys play at night?"
A speech...
Object Oriented Jedi
a group of psychologists are running an expirement. the place the subject in a room with a sink, a bucket and a garbage can with a fire in it.
They start with an engineer. The engineer grabs the bucket, runs to the sink, fills it with water and throw it on the fire which promptly goes out.
Next up was a physicist. The physicist whips out his slide rule, does some quick calculations, take the bucket over to the sink, fills it and throws it on the fire. The fire goes out exponentially.
Then they let an applied mathematician try it. The Amath guy fills bucket, sets it down next to the fire and leaves. Astonished, the psychologists ask why he didn't put the fire out. The Amath guy repplied that he had reduced it to an already solved problem.
Last up was a mathematician. The mathematician looked at the fire. Then he walked over and looked at the bucket. Then he walked over to the sink, looked at it, and nodded. He then left the room. The psychologists were completely baffeled by this and asked the mathematician about his behavior. "Simple," he replied. "I just proved that a solution existed."
-1: flamebait should really be -1: inciteful
Not really a joke, but funny as hell.
... the Knack." ... and utter social ineptitude."
"The Knack"
Doctor: "It's worse than I feared."
Mother: "What is it?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid your son has
Mother: "The knack?"
Doctor: "The Knack. It's a rare condition characterized by an extreme intuition about all things mechanical and electrical
Mother: "Can he lead a normal life?"
Doctor: "No. He'll be an engineer."
Mother: "Oh, no! [crying]"
Doctor: "There, there. Don't blame yourself."
A speech...
with the chair to keyboard interface.
"Computers are like air conditioners: they stop working properly when you open windows."
There are two kinds of people in the world. Those that believe you candivide the world into two kinds of people and those that don't.
Two atoms are walking down the street. One bumps into a pole, and he says: "Ack, I think I lost an electron."
The other atom asks, "Are you sure?"
The first atom replies, "Yes I'm positive."
python -c "x='python -c %sx=%s; print x%%(chr(34),repr(x),chr(34))%s'; print x%(chr(34),repr(x),chr(34))"
"Consistently separating words by spaces became a general custom about the
tenth century A.D., and lasted until about 1957, when FORTRAN abandoned the
practice."
"Windows 98 has detected that the mouse has moved.
Please restart your computer for these changes to take effect."
Gates' Law: Every 18 months, the speed of software halves.
My pid is Inigo Montoya. You kill -9 my parent process. Prepare to vi.
So what part of rpm, linuxconf, chkconfig and make xconfig do you not understand?
"Press any key if you wish to return to Windows or Control-Alt-Delete if you
wish to close it and reboot. After that action, scream at the top of your
lungs as your computer fails to respond to either of those actions."
- The Truthful Windows BSOD
Unix IS user-friendly, it just chooses its friends very carefully.
"Be consistent."
- Larry Wall in the perl man page
"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.
Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S
relativity."
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon loaded with reels of tape.
Any attempt to brew coffee with a teapot should result in the error
code "418 I'm a teapot". The resulting entity body MAY be short and stout.
- RFC 2324
"I'm not interrupting you, I'm putting our conversation in full-duplex mode."
- Antone Roundy
The three triangles of the Berlin logo stands for the tripod upon
which Berlin rests: Courage, Honour, and Frozen Pizza.
X windows:
Accept any substitute.
If it's broke, don't fix it.
If it ain't broke, fix it.
Form follows malfunction.
The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
The trailing edge of software technology.
Armageddon never looked so good.
Japan's secret weapon.
You'll envy the dead.
Making the world safe for competing window systems.
Let it get in YOUR way.
The problem for your problem.
If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto.
It could be worse, but it'll take time.
Simplicity made complex.
The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
Flakey and built to stay that way.
Strangers have the best candy.
- t-shirt seen at DefCon 8.0
"Perl is Internet Yiddish."
- Yoz Graehme
"And don't tell me there isn't one bit of difference between null and space,
because that's exactly how much difference there is."
- Larry Wall
"I *made up* the term 'object-oriented,' and I can tell you I did *not*
have C++ in mind."
- Alan Kay, one of the inventors/designers of Smalltalk.
A computer without a Microsoft operating system is like a dog without bricks tied to its head.
Cross platform apps are like unisex underwear.
An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the horse races one Saturday and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..."
The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning..."
"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret.
"Well," he says, between puffs on the pipe, "first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical..."
We need a "+1: Terrible" mod
2 strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, "Bartender, I'll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACC~ErJ" The second string says "Pardon my friend, he isn't NULL terminated."
Oh, and any idle speculators care to guess how many "funny" meta-mods we'll be seeing for the next few weeks? I'm betting at least half...
A policeman pulls Werner Heisenberg over on the autobahn for speeding.
Policeman: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
Heisenberg: No, but I know exactly where I am.
95 ;-)
-WolfWithoutAClause
"Gravity is only a theory, not a fact!"Courtesy of Inflection Point, who has one of the largest technical / computer / engineering joke archives on the internet (aside from google groups, anyway).
.
Timesheet Honesty
A promising young NASA aerospace engineer was killed in a horrific car accident and arrived in Heaven, protesting to St. Peter at the pearly gates. "St. Peter, I'm only 35. I'm much too young to die. I have a wonderful wife and family, so much to live for. Why in the world am I here?"
St. Peter looked through a huge stack of papers, looked over the top of his glasses and said, "Well, according to all of these hours on your time sheets, you've got to be at least 108."
And my favorite one-liner:
"Engineers aren't boring people; we just get excited over boring things."
-- Anon.
You can find more at the link above, and (SHAMELESS PLUG) at in the random quotes on the homepage of my site: www.hollinger.net
Michael C. Hollinger
"If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time windows crashed... wait a sec, HE DOES."
Check your buffers.
Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers.
The metric system is a tool of the devil!! I get forty rods to the hogshead, and that's the way i likes it!!
In any normal /. article, there are always Frist Posts, trolls, and the usual array of off-topic regular /. jokes.
Now someone posts an open invitation to go berserk, and I haven't (in the first 60-odd replies) seen a single Natalie Portman, hot grits, AYB or beowulf cluster. At least someone managed to sneak in an "In Soviet Russia".
Weird, huh.
David.
Although not necessarily a joke, I always found the anecdote about Niklaus Wirth's (creater of Pascal) response to a question about how to pronounce his name funny...
Another really old (and dated) Pascal joke that I still find humourous is...
(Disclaimer: I didn't write these)
.
Q: What's purple and commutes?
A: An abelian grape
Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
A: Zorn's Lemon.
(with links for the math-impaired)
A computer without a Microsoft operating system is like a dog without bricks tied to it's head. dieMSdie (steve@spam-is-bad.xtn.net)
I don't know the joke, but the punchline's gotta be:
"Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers!" =)
"Yeah, well, Dracula called and he's coming over tonight for you and I said okay."
This is a Unix email virus. It works on the honor system:
If you're running a variant of Unix, please forward this message to everyone you know and delete a bunch of your files at random.
Thank you for your cooperation.
by pjl @ patsoffice . com
ERROR: Cannot find file REALITY.SYS - Universe halted, please reboot!
(NoSpam_Jonathan_Bayer @ bigfoot.com)
It's sad to live in a world where knowing how to program your VCR actually lowers your social status...
(rhopkins- at- crosswinds- dot- net)
The best way to define recursion is recursively.
This is not a signature.
In C++ you can access your friend's private parts.
Back in the old mainframe days, when computers cost many millions of dollars and required a staff of 20 to keep them running, computer output would often say, "FATAL ERROR". Beginners would sometimes worry a little that the message meant fatal to them.
Lisa: "Only one person in a million would find that funny!"
Prof. Frink: "Yes, we call that the Dennis Miller Ratio."
that that is is that that is not is not
Okay, this is a weird one. But I like it, so it's in my .sig right now.
I have a friend who works at UMN. He and some co-workers were joking about how people expect computers to do everything for them. One of them grabbed a mouse and spoke into it: "COMPUTER! Whatever happened to Blueberry Muffin?"
I can't explain why I think this is so damn funny. In fact, I didn't think it was very funny at first. But the more I think about it, the funnier it gets.
COMPUTER! Whatever happened to Blueberry Muffin?
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this post are either mine or those of my voice recognition software.
Any attempt to brew coffee with a teapot should result in the error code "418: I'm a teapot".
[RFC 2324] by Eric Green (eric @ at badtux . org)
Why was Bill Gates buried 12 feet under?
Cuz deep down he's a really nice guy.
Sorry, teleporters just kill you and then make a copy. A perfect, soul-less copy.
The Internet interprets advertising as damage and routes around it.
by Paul Crowley (slashdot-paul @AT cluefactory
Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard drive?
mcelrath (mcelrath+slashdotcomment @ draal
C:\program\run\run\program\run\AWWW\comeon\program \RUN!
Acts@core.mailboks.com Acrux@core.mailboks.com Adam@core.mailboks.com Adar@core.mailboks.com Ada@core.mailboks.com
I like this old one. I don't remember it verbatim, so I'll paraphrase.
In the United States, the standard railroad gauge is exactly four feet, eight-and-one-half inches wide. Why? Because that's the way they built them in England. Why did they build them that way in England? Because that's how wide English tramways were. And why were they that width? Because the people who built the trams also built wagons, and wagons wheels were that far apart. Why? Because the ancient Roman roads in England had wheel ruts exactly that far apart. Why? Because those ancient ruts were made by the wheels of Roman war chariots, and their wheels were exactly four feet, eight-and-a-half-inches wide. Why? Because Roman war chariots were just wide enough to accomodate two Roman war horses.
The moral of the story is that every specification in the world can trace its history back to some horse's ass.
I write in my journal
"'Tis some script kidd33z", muttered I, tapping on my server port. "Only this, and nothing more."
by Barbarianconanford_please-no@spam-yahoo.com)
(and for the sexist-humor-impaired, apologies....)
A lawyer, an accountant, and an engineer all go into the men's room (they're all guys, duh :-( ).
The lawyer does his business, then washes his hands, then completely dries his hands with a truly profligate amount of paper towels.
"Lawyers are trained to be thorough," he explains.
The accountant does his business, then washes his hands. But he uses a minimal amount of paper towel, while making sure his hands are as completely dry as the lawyer's.
"Accountants are trained to be thorough and efficient!" he explains.
The engineer does his business, and walks out without washing his hands!
Flabbergasted, the lawyer and the accountant demand an explanation.
"Engineers don't pee on their hands."
-----
Klactovedestene!
Being a geek means never having to ask, "Paper or plastic?"
by Loligoljm@delete_this.fc.net)
NASDAQ.
Or "New Economy." Or, for all the good it's gotten us, "Internet." Ooh! We can get pr0n and Pez dispensers on demand, and buy all the same stupid shit we can already get at the mall! Plus, this thing has more arrogant, uninformed shitheads than AM radio! My life is now complete!
Moral: Don't ask a bitter CS student who thought his life was going to matter for something for jokes.
Lotteries are a tax on people who suck at math.
"Knowledge is Power", "Time is Money", and as every engineer knows, "Power is Work over Time". So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get:
K = P (1)
T = M (2)
P = W/T (3)
Now, do a few simple substitutions:
Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:
K = W/T (4)
Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:
K = W/M (5).
Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get:
Knowledge equals Work over Money.
What this MEANS is that:
1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.
Solving for Money, we get:
M = W/K (6)
Money equals Work Over Knowledge. From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.
What THIS MEANS is:
The More you Make, the Less you Know.
Solving for Work, we get
W = M K (7)
Work equals Money times Knowledge
From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.
What THIS MEANS is:
The stupid rich do little or no work.
Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.
"I do know I'm ready for the job. And, if not, that's just the way it goes."
G. W. Bush, 8/21/2000
"Ah yes, the Tomahawk Cruise missle... the rich country's car bomb."
by Rand Race (helixp@ nospamplease. bellsouth.net)
Every night, tired dyslexics around the world look forward to 8 hours of peels.
by sirinekbillHATESSPAM@sirinek.com)
(User #41507)
http://www.sirinek.com
Bad spellers of the world, untie!
by Fjord_Reddfjord_redd @ programmer_dot_net
Don't anthropomorphize computers. They hate that.
by poiu (User #106484)
I'm a dyslexic agnostic with insomnia... I lie awake at night wondering if there really is a dog!
by Q-Hack!kc5aot_HATES _SPAM_@qsl.net (User #37846) http://www.qsl.net/~kc5aot
Kuro5hin had a similar thread last year, with some hilarious comments in it.
A personal favorite I heard from a coworker years ago:
Q. Why does the condemned man get a last cigarette, instead of one of those
through-the-skin stick-on nicotine thingies?
A. Don't patch the executable.
Java: the COBOL of the new millenium.
... is a lot like an erect penis. It stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
(sadly, source unknown)
It's Linux, damnit! Pay no attention to renaming attempts by self-aggrandizing blowhards.
"Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie." - Dennis Miller
If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... Oh wait, he does.
by Nate Fox (slashdotatdafox.org, User #1271)
A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. The bartender says "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The naked lady says .... ..... OHHHHH SHIT!!!
(could you describe the rukus?)
----- rL
My physics TA wears this shirt all the time:
2 + 2 = 5
(for sufficiently large values of 2)
Swearing is the crutch of inarticulate mother fuckers.
whitehouse.gov. IN CNAME hongkonggov.cn
by xodiakbrad AT geeknet DOT net) (User #95699) http://www.pander.org/
I just got the results. I failed my Turing test.
:-( -- by hoggoth (HANS-at-LI-dot-NET (User #414195)
I'm in search of myself. If you find me before I arrive, please have me wait.
by jsse (User #254124)
Based on some of the horrible jokes I'm seeing here, this one should fit right in.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
their C programs.
-- Robert Firth
Java: the COBOL of the new millenium.
YOU MIGHT BE A PHYSICS MAJOR...
if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
if you enjoy pain.
if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
if when you look in a mirror, you see a physics major.
if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
if you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
if you always do homework on Friday nights.
if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
if you think in "math."
if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its
wave function.
if you have a pet named after a scientist.
if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
if the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the
Schrodinger's Cat
experiment.
if you can translate English into Binary.
if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says
"Exit."
if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because
there's a wind-chill factor in
the lab.
If you are completely addicted to caffeine.
if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the
eventual heat-death of the
universe.
if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have
accidentally determined
its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in
the universe.
if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
if you understood more than five of these indicators.
if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.
If these indicators apply to you, there is good reason to suspect that you
might be classified as a
physics major. I hope this clears up any confusion.
"Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even one
which cannot be justified on any other grounds."
-- J. Finnegan, USC.
Java: the COBOL of the new millenium.
http://www.actsofgord.com/
You must have seen this one.
Working on the fact that women cost time and money:
money = root(Evil)
Therefore:
Money^2 = Evil
Time = Money
Time * Money = Evil
Women = Time * Money
Therefore:
Women = Evil
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
C:\> Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner!
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted; Re-boot Washington, D.C. (Y/N)?
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox computers
"No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as an indication-applied occurrence."
-- ALGOL 68 Report
"The '#pragma' command is specified in the ANSI standard to have an arbitrary implementation-defined effect. In the GNU C preprocessor, `#pragma' first attempts to run the game rogue; if that fails, it tries to run the game hack; if that fails, it tries to run GNU Emacs displaying the Tower of Hanoi; if that fails, it reports a fatal error. In any case, preprocessing does not continue."
--From an old GNU C Preprocessor document
/joeyo
2^5
One limits themself to raping one little boy per year. The other performs marriages, christenings and funeral services.
Have you heard about the one with the company that created an unbreakeble encryption scheme with a one million bit key? :-)
z
What would an EWOULDBLOCK block, if an EWOULDBLOCK could block would? -- me
Sonic Blue...
It needed the money [/Andrew Dice Clay]
An engineer was enjoying a cruise in the Caribbean. It was wonderful, the experience of his life ... but, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly and the ship went down, giving only a few barely enough time to escape.
... and there from around the corner of the island came a rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen: she was tall, tanned, with blond hair flowing in the sea breeze. She spotted him waving and yelling, and rowed her boat towards him.
The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. Looking around he saw some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it.
So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut milk and stared out to sea waiting for a ship to come to his rescue.
One day, as he was lying on the beach waiting dejectecly for a while, he spotted movement out just beyond the waves
In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from, how did you get here?"
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?"
"It is only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, I made it."
The engineer's jaw dropped in disbelief.
"I made the rowboat out of raw materials that I found on the island," continued the woman. "The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm fronds, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, but," stammered the man, "what about tools and hardware? How did you do that?"
"Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.
"But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"
At this man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place," she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No," said the man, "I just can't take any more coconut milk."
The woman laughed: "Don't worry, I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After a while, they had exchanged their stories and the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship".
"Well, if you would like to shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.
"You look great," said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did.
And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.
"Tell me," she said, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need...?"
"Actually there is," the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her. "Tell me: do you happen to have an Internet connection?"
i-name =twylite [http://public.xdi.org/=twylite], see idcommons.net
ADDITONAL WARNING: If you're a self taught "coder", then you probably wont get the first two.
A constant and e^x were walking down the street, when suddenly a differential operator jumped out from around the corner. The constant screamed as the differential operator destroyed him.
e^x laughed and said "Ha! You can't touch me!".
The differential operator said, "That's what you think, I'm d/dy".
Logic joke (think smullyan):
One of the most prominent funeral directors in the world died, so his peers all got together and sent a giant wreath in the shape of a giant wreath.
One more:
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should back go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have ayard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazing".
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinating thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.
"So what classes are you taking?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.
"What the heck is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're gay, aren't you?"
Imagine a bank of elevators, each one run by a different computer system:
Altier:
A toggle switch allows you to open the door. A rope hangs from the ceiling, marked off in dot-dash patterns every 12 feet. Pulling the rope allows you to go up 4 stories, when you miss a tug, and crash.
IBM/DOS:
you enter and push a button for the 8th floor, but it can't get past floor 6.40
Mac 7.X
there is a single button for the floors. you push it, and it takes you to the floor it thinks is good for you.
Mac Copeland
You stand outside the elevator door, drinking pepsi, waiting for it to arrive, while reading the sign about how wonderful it is. You get tiered of waiting, so you take the NeXT one.
Windows 95
As you enter, a voice chimes out "where do you want to go today?" so you push the button for the 32nd floor, but it takes you to the 16th floor, twice.
Linux
Instead of a Button panel, there is a large paper bag full of parts and tools, with instructions in Finnish.
Irix
Everything appears to be in order, but the button panel is ajar, and none of the floors will light up. A highly paid consultant is able to borrow a widget from Linux's large paper bag full of parts to make them display.
Why being a Ho' is just like
being a Computer Tech
Fee is about $150/hour for house calls
Agent helps get you work, and gives you protection, but wants half.
scsi connections
First thing you do when meeting a new client is check for viruses and make sure he uses protection.
Floppy disks are always a problem.
You can charge a higher fee when working on Saturday nite.
Clients will be fascinated with your unusual equipment, and wonder what you will do with it.
Clients never call unless they are desperate and don't have a friend who can help.
Most house calls merely require inserting a male part into a female part.
The faster the hard disk gets back up, the happier the client is.
New clients will call you if you appear in a magazine.
Clients want you to give their friends, who just happen to be there with their equipment, a group discount.
- Why do physicists don't use the X-Window ?
- Because they think it's a x-rated program
- Why do computer engineers use the X-Window ?
- Because they think it's a x-rated program
yeh, but since the editors don't bother to check with each other, it's the same boy who keeps getting raped
A young man is walking along and comes across a talking frog- "hello", says the frog, "If you give me a kiss I'll turn into a princess".
The young man picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket.
Raising it's voice, the frog says "If you just give me a kiss, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and become your girlfriend!"
The young man laughs and keeps walking.
In a desperate voice, the frog says "Give me a kiss and I will become your love-slave and stay with you forever!"
The young man takes the frog out of his pocket and says "Look, I'm a programmer, I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is really cool!"
Q: Did you hear about the CompSci student who had a penis transplant?
A: His hand rejected it.
A doctor, a civil engineer and a programmer are discussing whose profession is the oldest.
"Surely medicine is the oldest profession." says the doctor. "God took a rib from Adam and created Eve and if this isn't medicine I'll be..."
But the civil engineer breaks in:
"But before that He created the heavens and the earth from chaos. Now that's civil engineering to me."
The programmer thinks a bit and then says:
"And who do you think created chaos?"
My opinion? See above.
Two statisticians are out hunting for deer. They see one, they both fire! One shot goes a foot high, one a foot low. They shake hands and say, "We got him!"
www.HearMySoulSpeak.com
New prisoner is in the cafeteria having lunch. Occasionally somebody shouts out "12!" or "97!" and the rest of the inmates burst into laughter. He asks what's going on, and one of the older inmates explains that they've all be around so long, they've told each other all the jokes so many times that they just numbered them all.
After listening for awhile, the new prisoner decides to try it. "57!" he yells.
Ending 1.... Nothing happens. He asks the old inmate what he did wrong and the older inmate says, "Eh. Some guys just can't tell a joke."
Ending 2... There is a pause, and then the place explodes in a roar of laughter. Prisoners are falling off their seats clutching at their sides, tears pouring down their faces. After a few minutes of this the older inmate pulls himself back onto his bench, wipes a tear from his eye, catches his breath and says "Jesus, we never heard that one before!"
My faulty memory tells me that there's a third ending as well, but I can never remember it.
www.HearMySoulSpeak.com
---
Aliens Make First Contact With Mankind
Posted by CmdrTaco on Friday Aug 13, @4:22PM
In an amazing turn of events for the hmuan race, a spacecraft landed in the middle of Iowa just over an hour ago. The three intelligent orbs of light aboard the ship have already given the world knowledge of interstellar travel, an understanding of advanced nanotechnology, and peace in the Middle East. They have promised that none shall go hungry again, that an age of plenty will be had by all, and that our only limitations in the future will be our imaginations.
FP (Score: 0) ."
by Anonymous Coward on Friday August 13, @4:23PM (#32174720)
I wonder if they've ever been inside a black hole
----
from an highly inapropriate AC post here
'Be the change you want to see in the world' - Al Gore
Q: What's the difference between an introverted programmer and an extroverted programmer?
A: An extroverted programmer stares at your shoes while he's talking to you.
user = id10t
Answers:
- Mathemetician: 3 is, 5 is 7 is, so by induction, they all are.
- Physicist: 3 - OK, 5 - OK, 7 - OK, 9 - experimental error, 11 - OK, 13 - OK, 15 - experimental error.
- Engineer: 3, 5, 7, 9, 11, 13, 15, yup, looks good to me.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-A cruise ship sinks; the survivors find themselves washed up on an island. A quick search of the flotsam reveals shedloads of canned food, but no can opener.
A geologist stands up, and says "Those rock formations are likely to contain flint, which we could maybe pierce the cans with."
A chemist stands up and says "Sea water is corrosive, so if we leave a little on the lids overnight, maybe it will weaken the metal enough that we could bash it open."
An economist steps up and says "Suppose the supply of can openers is perfectly elastic with regard to price, and that at a price P1, quantity Q1 is demanded..."
Confucius say, "Find worm in apple - bad. Find half a worm - worse."
...my salary as a state gov't employed coder.
I use NFS, files always wind up complaining that they were created in the future.
-- 'The' Lord and Master Bitman On High, Master Of All
a Linux geek got laid haha
There's always the one about the Californian man who invented a robotic parking attendant...
He called it the Silicon valet.
(Spudley Strikes Again!)
(Hint: hex math.)
we'll have this fixed in no-time!
Not really a joke, but my favorite way to count in base 3 is a system where the digits are +, 0 and -. You can represent positive and negative numbers without an extra symbol. Place values are just like regular base 3 numbers (1, 3, 9, 27, ...). 2 (base 10) would be '+-', or 8 -> '+0-', etc.
How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None; it's a hardware problem.
If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
Use my userscript to add story images to Slashdot. There's no going back.
A Techie rode up with a new bike to his chess club meeting. His buddie askes, "Where did you get the bike?"
He repies, "It was funny, a sexy woman rides up on it, dropes the bike, and takes off her clothes! Then she said 'Pick one!'"
His buddie replies, "Good choice, the clothes woden't fit anyways."
hmm... for fun I enjoy launching DDoS attacks against 127.87.42.5
Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid."
So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, $2700."
The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
This was a favorite of my calc teacher in high school
Professor: What is the area of a circle?
Student: Pi r square
Professor: Pi are not square Pie are round.
Student: Grrroan.
I apologize for the horrible math humor.
Thoughts on tech, Software Engineering, and stuff
does it take to change a lightbulb?
Games Workshop Petition
......9?
No.
Games Workshop Petition
How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None : That's a hardware problem.
Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't. He just declares darkness to be the industry standard.
This one dates back to Windows 3.1 with its "cooperative" multi-tasking. One app in an infinite loop could hang the whole system. SO rather than admit that Windows did not support preemptive multitasking, Microsoft layed on the spin control saying that OS/2, Unix and were not "real-time". This sort of lead into the whole multi-media PC thing with the assumption that the OS needed to be realtime to do anything with sound or video.
I am not your blowing wind, I am the lightning.
Even worse:
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
a small, private plane, filled with tech industry folks is flying to seatle when it is caught in a dense fog. the pilot can't see anything, and by some random chance the ITS is out so he can't land blind. by luck he sees a light on in a building in the distance and flies to the window and shouts: "Where am I?" the man in the office responds: "In a plane" the pilot then flies two miles out and banks to the left and makes a perfect blind landing. on the ground the passengers asked him how he knew where the airport was. he said "i knew the only place where i would get a perfectly accurate and entirely useless answer like that would be at the microsoft campus"
Hey I'll buy Nortel stock, I'll be rich!
Hey, I'll go to university and get into debt, then I'll get a real good job!
Bwahahahaaa!!!!
http://www.yk.psu.edu/~lxn/general_info/jokepage.h tm
assert(birth_date<time-86400)
A quick way to tell whether you're talking to a mathematician, a physicist, or an engineer, is to ask ``Are all odd numbers prime?''
I refuse to believe corporations are people until Texas executes one. -- desert rain on http://www.dailykos.com/user/
This? Offtopic? The poster was answering a legit question related to the (painfully redundant) jokes.
Did you hear the one about the Microsoft programmer who was constipated?
His system crashed and he had to work it out with pencil and paper...
Envy my 5 digit Slashdot User ID!
A priest, a lawyer, and an engineer are sentenced to die by the guillotine. The priest is led up the steps, his head is put in place, and the string is pulled. Nothing happens. The priest exclaims, "A miracle! God has saved me!" and is let free.
The lawyer is next, he also is put in place and the string is pulled. Again, nothing happens. He stands up and successfully argues that legally, the prisoner cannot be executed twice for the same crime, and he also is set free.
The engineer is led up to the guillotine, but before the executioners can put his head in place he calls out, "Wait! You've got a problem in the release mechanism!"
-SablKnight
Yet Another Oldie but Goodie
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and
shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says "You must work in business."
"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Eschew Obfuscation
A couple of engineers are sitting around discussing what type of engineer God is. Eventually their arguments settle on using the human body as a reference point.
An electrical engineer points out that the body depends on the electrical nervous system, and that since this is the core of the design, then obviously God is an EE.
A chemical engineer counters this, stating that the neurons, like all the rest of the body, wouldn't work at all without complex chemical interactions, as well as the flow of blood through the vast fluid flow network of the circulatory system.
The lone civil engineer of the group just laughs at all of them, pointing out that God must be a CivE, since nobody else would think to run a toxic waste line through a major recreational area!
Thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal!
-SablKnight
An Enigneer, Physicist, and a Mathamathition were all up late studying one nigh in identical dorm rooms. As they go to sleep a fire breaks out in their trask can full of paper.
The Engineer sees a pitcher of water on the desk and pours the entire contents into the trash can, observes that the fire is out, and rolls over and goes back to sleep.
The Physicist does some quick mental calulations, and determines that pouring one quarter of the pitcher in the can would be sufficient to keep the fire confined to the trash can. He then pours precicely one quarter of the pitcher in the trash can and the rolls over and goes back to sleep.
The Mathamaticition wakes up and notices the fire and the pitcher of water. Satisfied that a solution exits he rolls over and goes back to sleep.
--Shemnon
An engineer and a salesman go bear hunting.. they rent a large cabin on a mountain, and hike up to it.. when they get there, the salesman says "OK, you get us unpacked, and I'll go get us some bears."
The engineer thinks this is a little odd, but agrees. He finishes unpacking, when he hears some shouting. He goes outside, and across the clearing, the salesman is running directly towards the cabin, being chased by the biggest, angriest looking bear the engineer had ever seen.
"Open the door!" yells the salesman, and the engineer complies. With the bear on his heels, the salesman rushes up to the door, but at the last minute, he darts to the side. The bear, unable to stop, continues into the cabin.
The salesman quickly slams the door shut, and the bear (even angrier now) begins to trash the cabin.
The salesman smiles at the engineer, and says "OK, you finish this one, I'll go find us another."
One day, Loan Officer Patricia Whack was sitting at her desk in the Farmer's Federal Bank of Wichita, when in walked a frog.
"Hi, my name's Kermit Jagger, and I'd like a loan," he said.
Miss Whack replied, "Well, Mr. Jagger, what do you do for a living?"
"Nothing," said Kermit.
Miss Whack said, "Do you have any source of income?" and Kermit replied, "No, but my Dad, Mick, has been doing business here for years."
In her most polite voice, Miss Whack said, "I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Jagger, but if you're not employed, and have no other source of income, you'll need some form of collateral to secure a loan."
So Kermit got up out of his chair, walked out to his car, fished around in his trunk, came back in, and presented Miss Whack with a tiny elephant, carved from pink granite.
Miss Whack took the figurine, excused herself, and walked into her boss's office. "Frank," she said, "I need to talk to you."
"Sure, Patty, what is it?" replied Frank.
"I've got a frog in my office, named Kermit Jagger, who's asking for a loan, but all he's got for collateral is this pink elephant thing. I don't even know what it is."
Frank took the pink elephant in his hand, leaned back in his chair, and smiled. "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Wouldn't three sections of fence be better? A triangle is the polygon with the least number of sides...
For geek dads: Contraction Timer
Instructions on a bottle of shampoo:
1. Wash
2. Rinse
3. Repeat
Only computing scientists find that funny.
Oceania has always been at war with Eastasia.
This is my candidate for +1 Terrible.
For geek dads: Contraction Timer
"There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who believe in the excluded middle, those who don't believe in the excluded middle, and those who don't not believe in the excluded middle."
(Needs knowledge of constructive logic
A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him, and says "For you, no charge."
Why do chemists like working at night?
Nitrates are better than day rates.
What's a chemists favorite ride at the carnival?
The ferrous wheel.
Old chemists never die, they just reach equilibrium.
Why does a white bear melt in water?
Because it's polar.
What is a cation afraid of?
A dogion.
There once was a lady from Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light
She set out one day
In a relative way
And came home on the previous night
My other Slashdot ID is much lower.
DOS AIR:
All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push
it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground
again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop
on, etcetera.
WINDOWS '95 AIRLINES:
The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very
attractive and the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. Your plane
arrives 6 months late. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above
the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it crashes without warning.
MAC AIRWAYS:
The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, feel the
same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight they reply
that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please
return to your seat and watch the movie.
OS/2 SKYWAYS:
The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers
milling about. Airline personnel walk around, apologizing profusely to
customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek,
powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each
passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how
much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to
wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems.
FLY WINDOWS NT:
All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the
chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and
make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
WINGS of OS/400:
The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest
planes that ever flew and painted "747" on their tails to make them look
as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your
every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230
per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a
first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club.
MVS AIRLINES:
The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of
technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft.
This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All
the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200
technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He
guns the engines, only to realize that the plane is too big to get
through the hangar doors!
UNIX EXPRESS:
Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the
airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind
of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they
build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some
passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe
they got there.
LINUX AIR:
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start
their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave
the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of
printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket
yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts,
a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully
adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plan leaves and arrives on
time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You
try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but
all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"
&& aemula C. ab stirpe interiit
How can you tell if an engineer is an extrovert? He stares at your shoes!
Ethics II Axiom 2. "Man thinks." B. Spinoza
Q: What's the different between a used car salesman and a computer salesman?
A: The used car salesman knows when he is lying.
-- Will program for bandwidth
They load it all in the plane, but the pilot is nervous. He says, "The plane is overloaded. We'll never make it." But the managers assure him that everything will be fine. Despite his repeated warnings, they finally tell him that they will take the responsibility if anything happens.
The pilot begrudgingly taxies as far down the runway as he can, opens the throttle, and tries to take off. But there's just too much weight. He screams, "It's no use! We're gonna crash unless you dump some weight!" But the managers tell him to keep going, everything is fine.
Finally, the plane gets off the ground. But sure enough, it's too late. The plane can't clear the fence at the end of the runway and crashes to the ground. Amazingly, everyone survives.
The pilot limps out and says, "See?!? I told you it would never work! What a failure!" But the managers say, "Faliure? This was an astounding success! We got two meters higher than last year!"
For geek dads: Contraction Timer
Also not exactly tech, but certainly the tech industry:
A shepherd is tending his flock when a black 5 series BMW pulls up in his field. A dude jumps out of the car wearing $2000 loafers, an Armani suit, Gucci tie, Blancpain watch.
"Hey Shepherd" says the Dude, "if I can guess exactly how many sheep you have in this field, can I have one of them?".
The Shepherd looks at the field and says "I'm a punting man; give it your best shot".
The Dude whips out his WAP and calls a satellite flyover service and gives them a telephone number. 10 minutes later, an overhead view is faxed to the Dude and he counts up the animals.
"Shepherd, you have exactly 1218 sheep".
The Shepherd confirms this is correct and the Dude opens the trunk of the Beemer and puts an animal in the trunk.
"Tell me sir" says the Shepherd, "if I can guess what you do for a living, can I have my animal back?"
"Sure", says the Dude, grinning.
"You are a IT Consultant and you work for either Accenture or KPMG"
"Fuck!! Right on" exclaims the Dude "How didja guess?"
"Well" says the Shepherd "Firstly you turned up unannounced, unwanted and with no prior warning. Then you told me what I already knew. And then you proved you knew absolutely nothing about my business. So give me back my fuckin' dog".
A function that cannot call itself cannot call itself a function.
None, sir, that appears to be a hardware problem.
Oh man, that slayed them back in the good old days at Spinnaker...
Dude, I think I can see my house from here.
Q: What's the difference between C and C++?
A: Nothing, as (C - C++ == 0). Note, however, that the value of C has been increased...
That joke is 1 in an F4240 a 3E8 thanks for the laugh.
Use your head, can't you, use your head,
You're on earth, there's no cure for that - S. Beckett
I agree. Crackheads.
"Can of worms? The can is open... the worms are everywhere."
Each agreed to send its best knights to the island, where they would duke it out in a free for all to settle who owned the island once and for all.
The first kingdom was very rich, and sent 100 knights, each with two squires. The night before the battle, each knight drilled, ate, boasted and celebrated as the squires cooked, polished armor, cared to the horses, and sharpened weapons.
The second kingdom was not as rich, and was able to muster only 50 knights, each with one squire. The night before the battle, the knights drilled, ate, boasted and celebrated. Each only had one squire, so they had to polish armor, too. The squires sharpened weapons, cared for the horses, and cooked.
The third kingdom was very poor, and could only send one knight and his squire. The knight took care of his armor and drilled as the squire prepared dinner, tended to the horse, and sharpened the weapons. To save time, he had to hang the cooking pot high over the fire with a noose.
The next morning, the knights of the first two kingdoms were too hung over from the celebration to fight. The third kingdom's knight was too tired from preparing for battle. None of them could fight, so the squires had it out. The battle raged on through the day and into the night. After the dust cleared, and the sun rose the next day only the lone squire from the third kingdom remained, tired, injured, near death, but victorious. This only goes to prove...(brace yourselves)...
The squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
OK, you can shoot me now.
There is a reason for everything. Sometimes that reason just sucks.
When I was working a summer job, I overheard my supervisor complain her laptop no longer worked...she called the IT department, and upon arriving, he looked at the ground, saw the fallen power cord, and plugged it back into the laptop.
"Your battery was drained," he explained.
"Oh...I didn't know it had one."
The tech guy laughed politely, and joked, "well...you may be a fast typist, but I don't think you're fast enough to power this thing on kinetic energy."
Luckly, she couldn't fire him...not her department
Warning: Opinions known to be heavily biased.
Alternate punchline:
"You're still thinking procedurally. What you want to do is send a message to the bulb to tell it to change itself."
Wash.
Rinse.
Repeat.
Wash
Rinse
Repeat
What is the difference between a prostitute and a tech?
The prostitute gets some respect!!
Here is sample output from a telnet session to a sun solaris 2.6 box pinging my workstation.
root@horvitz # sh
# ping elvis
elvis is alive
#
/* oops I accidentally made a comment, sorry */
It's 4:38 AM. Do you know where your stack pointer is?
This joke doesn't really work when written, it has to be spoken, but I'll give it a shot here:
Q: What's 120?
A (shouting): 5
(Hint: the answer is 5!)
This post cannot be rebroadcast without the express written constent of Major League Baseball.
Here is output from a telnet session to our Solaris 2.6 box pinging myself.
root@horvitz #
root@horvitz # sh
# ping elvis
elvis is alive
#
Give me a kick everytime I do it.
/* oops I accidentally made a comment, sorry */
Two mathematitians go to a bar. One, a pessimist, complains about how few people know and understand mathematics these days. The other, an optimist, disagrees.
...
So they make a bet: they will ask the waitress at the bar what the integral of x dx is, and if she gets it right, the pessimist has to pay for the drinks. If she doesn't know the answer, the optimist has to pay.
Before they go to ask her, the pessimist leaves to use the bathroom. The optimist quickly seizes the opportunity, goes up to the waitress and says,
"when my friend comes back, he's going to ask you what the integral of x dx is. Just answer 'one-half x squared', okay?"
The pessimist comes back. They ask the waitress and she replies "one-half x squared".
The pessimist holds up his end of the bargain and pays for the drinks. A little while later the waitress comes back and says, "Actually, when I said one-half x squared earlier, I was wrong"
"the answer is one-half x squared plus a constant"
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
'Nuff said!
The bitter lessons of a veteran coder: http://bitterprogrammer.blogspot.com
The Devil and David Webster, for all you programmers out there.
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life 100%? Want to know the secret?
If
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
are represented as their corresponding number:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then,
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.
And look how far this will take you...
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
Why'd the squirrel fall out of the tree?... 'Cuz is was stapled to the MONKEY!
...who lie awake at night wondering if there's a dog.
TUNEFS(8)
tunefs - tune up an existing file system
[snip]
BUGS:
You can tune a hard drive but you can't tune a fish.
Hey, it always made me grin.
IP is just rude.
Is there any torture so subl
Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken and a turkey?
A: |Chicken|*|Turkey|*sin(theta)
Q:What do you get when you cross a mosquito and a mountain climber? A: You can't -- the mosquito is a vector and the mountain climber a scaler; you can't cross a vector with a scaler.
Rhapsody in Numbers
A logician turns up at the grocery and asks for a burger.
Grocer: Are you going to eat it or take it with you?
Logician: Yes.
Grocer: Eh? Oh, OK. Are you going to eat it or are you going to take it with you?
Logician: Both.
From USENET, November 1995, totally fictious:
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
-- www.globaltics.net
Political discussion for a new world
Steve Jobs: Alright, now see this? This is a three-way road, OK? And dead in the center is a crisp, new, hundred dollar bill. Now, at the end of each of these streets are three people, OK? Are you following?
Holden: Yeah.
Jobs: Good. Over here, we have someone using a Dell with a Pentium 4 that is much faster than a Mac. Down here, we have a PC-hating Mac user on a Powermac G4. Over here, we got someone using a home-built system with an AMD chip, once again much faster than the Mac.
Holden: What is this supposed to prove?
Jobs: No, I'm serious. This is a serious exercise. It's like an SAT question. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? The Intel user, the Mac user, or the AMD user?
Holden: The Mac user.
Jobs: Good. Why?
Holden: I don't know.
Jobs: Because the other three are figments of your fucking imagination!
The second doctor says, "nope, you are wrong. The best patients are engineers, whe you open them up the organs are numbered and color coded."
The last doctor says, "you guys are both wrong. The easiest patients to operate on are lawyers." The other two lawyers gasp in confusion. "Lawyers?"
The third doctor says, "well yeah, they only have two organs--a mouth and an asshole. And they're interchangeable."
Slashdot needs to interview Natalie Portman.
Optimist: Half full
Pessimist: Half empty
Engineer: Twice as big as it needs to be
True story:
I was doing tech support and the user was having trouble logging in.
Me: Is the modem working?
User: How can I tell?
Me: Are the lights on?
User: No, it's daytime here!
A physicist, engineer, and a mathematician found themselves behind enemy lines. They were captured, and placed in prison.
Dinnertime came, and the guard gave them each a can of food. The can was unopened, and the guard said, "since you guys are so smart, figure out how to get it open."
The physicisit stared at the wall, and wiggled the can around a bit, and finally, threw the can at just the right speed and angle at the wall. The can opened, and he was able to eat.
A few moments later, after successfully determining the weakest part of the structural integrity of the can, the engineer hit the can with the corner of his shoe, and the can opened, and he too was able to eat.
About 10 minutes after that, the mathematician excaimed, "I've got it... ok... can... I ASSUME you to be open.
A duck flies up and the first one takes a shot but shoots way too high.
Another duck flies up and the second one takes a shot that goes too low.
The third one shouts, "We got him!"
Blaze a trail to the New World
Well, Bill Gates finally dies, and he is standing in front of St. Peter for judgement. The angel says, "Well, your marketing practices have been despicable, you have no morals, but despite all that you made some software that made millions of people's lives better, so I'll tell you what, I'll let you have a look at both heaven and hell, and you can decide where you'd like to go."
Bill Gates agrees with this, and so St. Peter takes him on a quick tour of heaven. Gates sees people lying around, eating grapes, playing harps, and seeming contented. "This is pretty good," he thinks to himself.
Then St. Peter takes him to Hell. Here, there are long rolling beaches, crystal water, all sorts of babes swimming and smiling at him as he passes by. There's free beer being given out to everyone and it's just a giant party in general.
Gates exclaims to St. Peter, "This is no contest! Hell is so much better, I want to go there!"
"Are you sure, Bill Gates? There is no changing your mind."
"Yes I'm sure!"
So St. Peter snaps his fingers, and a giant pit of fire opens up under Bill gates. He is impaled on a stick and slowly begins to roast over the hellfire.
"Hey!" Gates screams. "This isn't right!! Where are all the women and the beaches!??!!"
St. Peter replies, "Oh that? That was just the demo version."
Here's my favorite:
Q: What is the difference between a computer salesman and a used car salesman?
A: A used car salesman KNOWS when he's lying.
Where would we be if Wheel had hid her round rock in a cave instead of showing everyone how it rolls?
Oops, someone posted the same thing 12 hours ago.
On day a charter airline took off from Riga with a tour group of eastern europeans from the Baltics, Poland and Russia. While boarding the plane, one tourist Stanislaus spotted a cute Lithuanian girl. She smiled at him and he knew he had to talk to her. To his delight he discovered her seat was just across the aisle on the right side of the plane.
While waiting for take off they chatted and discovered they had much in common. Her name was Katya and they worked in the same industry. They like the same music and both loved Golabki with caraway.
Once airborne the pilot announced that everyone was free to get up and move about the cabin. Stanislaus asked Katya if he could sit in the empty seat next to her. She eagerly agreed and Stanislaus got up and sat down next to the cute Lithuanian girl.
Within seconds the plane started bouncing about from turbulence. Stanislaus' gripped the seat handle, his eyes grew wide and the veins bulged in his forehead. Katya became more than little concerned and asked him to go back to his seat, which he did.
Quickly the plane was out of turbulence and Stanislaus was profusely appologizing to Katya. "It was just the turbulence; I'm just afraid of flying. Please forgive me."
Katya was touched and told him he could sit on her side of the aisle again if he could control his fear. He promised he would and he again sat down next to Katya.
Unfortunately, again, as he sat down the plane began to shudder and Stanislaus began to act crazy, frightening Katya. She pushed the stewardess call button frantically and the stewardess ran up and pulled Stanislaus back to his seat on the left side of the aisle. The turbulence ended and after a few seconds Stanislaus calmed down.
The stewardess demanded to know what led up to the altercation and Katya explained
"We were talking and he asked if he could sit next to me to talk."
"And that was when he began acting up?"
"Yes"
"I see" said the stewardess, the gear turning in her head.
"And sir may I ask where you are from?"
He replied "Krakow, but my family is from Posnan".
The stewardess sighed and looked at Katya sternly and said:
"You foolish girl, you should know better than that! Everyone know that poles in the right-hand-side of the plane are unstable!"
Proof that girls are evil
:)
First we state that girls require time and money
Girls = Time x Money
And we all know that Time is Money
Time = Money
Therefore:
Girls = Money x Money = Money^2
And because Money is the root of all evil...
Money = sqr (Evil)
Therefore:
Girls = (sqr Evil)^ 2
And we are forced to conclude that....
Girls = Evil
The only thing that will stop you from fulfilling your dreams is you. - Tom Bradley
"saying that we must remove 'creation date < system date' so that we would not miss..."?
Stories funnier when you the verbs. ;)
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in
the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
I'm different, just like everybody else.
It's never too late to panic.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
If it was said on slashdot, it MUST be true!
The configuration files for Tomcat 3.x look like they were designed by a monkey on crack (or a Sendmail developer)
Without C, We would only have Pasal, Basi, and obol
How many Software Engineers does it take change a light bulb? None, Its a hardware problem
Use your head, can't you, use your head,
You're on earth, there's no cure for that - S. Beckett
% got a light?
got: No match.
Remember - it's the physicists who are the strange ones, not mathematicians :)
A mathematician, a statistician and a physicist are hired to create a system for predicting the horse race outcomes. They are well funded and given few months. The time passes and they are presenting their results -
a mathematician and a statistician analyzed passed races and created horse racing model,
while a physicist merely says 'Well, I advanced quite a bit - I have built a model of a spherical animal in a vacuum and now I need ten times the money to complete the research'.
3.243F6A8885A308D313
Write the word "RED" on a green card (or vice versa) and show it to a geek. They may laugh if they haven't seen it first.
This sig no verb.
8 something :)
A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "for you, no charge."
There once was a fellow named fisk
whose fencing was exceedingly brisk
so fast was his action
the Lorentz contraction
reduced his rapier to a disk.
(I'd attribute it, but I have no idea where it came from).
No, it wouldn't. An equilateral triangle of perimeter 12 has area 4sqrt(3). A square of perimeter 12 has area 9. 9>4sqrt(3)
(Score:_, Offtopic)
true && more || less
"I don't think so," said Rene Descartes. Just then he vanished.
Tiller's Rule: Never use a word in written form that you've only heard and never read. You will end up looking foolish.
Why did the polish airline crash?
The captain announced that the passengers could see an interesting landmark on their right.
So, all the poles moved to the right hand half of the plane, and it went unstable.
LOL!!
C - You shoot yourself in the foot.
...
Assembly - You code your foot, your gun and the bullet from scratch, then shoot yourself in the head because your hand is big-endian.
C++ - You accidently create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible, because you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."
sh,csh,etc. - You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend 5 hours reading the manual before giving up. You then shoot the computer and switch to C.
Visual Basic - You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a 3270 terminal.
APL - You hear a quite gunshot, and there's a hole in your terminal, but you don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what happened.
FORTRAN - You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways because you have no exception-handling capability.
Pascal - The compiler refuses to let you shoot yourself in the foot.
COBOL - Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied.
LISP - You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds
FORTH - Foot in yourself shoot.
Prolog - You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to explain it to you.
BASIC - Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
HyperTalk - Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.
Motif - You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
Paradox - Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too.
dBase - You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to actually shoot bullets.
PL/I - After consuming all system resources including bullets, the data processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes and drops the original on your foot.
ALGOL - You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is aesthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the emergency room.
SCHEME - You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds... but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening.
LOGO - You tell a turtle to draw a picture of a foot and a gun, then shoot the turtle.
ORACLE - You decide to shoot yourself in the foot and go out to buy a gun - except the gun won't work without "deploying" a shoulder holster solution, and relational titanium alloy bullets, and body armour infrastructure, and a laser sight assistant, and a retractable arm stock application, and an enterprise team of ballistics experts and a chiropodist.
--
est modus in rebus
I heard it as:
Lotteries are taxes for the math impaired.
Why is there only one Eiffel tower?
Because they eat their young.
Why yes, I AM a rocket scientist!
Save little Brian!
I got laid last night!
An airplane lands in Warsaw to make a connection. Several passengers board the aircraft. As the airliner takes off for London, the pilot notices that his aircraft is not responding the way he's accustomed to. The airplane begins a slow, increasing amplitude oscillation in pitch that he can't seem to damp out.
Then he realizes what's going on. He immediately activates the cabin speakers and says "Ladies and gentlemen, we are having some stability problems with the aircraft. I want everybody who boarded the plane in Warsaw to quickly and carefully get on the left side of the aircraft. We must do this as soon and as safely as possible."
The passengers looked at each other, rather puzzled, but then they unsnap their seat belts and move over to the left side of the airplane. The flight isn't full, so without too much difficulty they get seated. As they cross over, the airplane's oscillation seems to damp out.
The copilot, who was preparing to declare an emergency and try to return to the airport, turned to the pilot. He asked "Captain! How did you know that would solve the problem?"
Captain said "Well, I just remembered that you get instabilities when you have Poles in the right side of the plane."
Ba da bum.
Why yes, I AM a rocket scientist!
The bartender asks "have another?" Rene replies "I think not" and he disappears!
"The inside of a computer is as dumb as hell....,
... and the
but goes like mad!"
-- Richard Feyman
Man is the best computer we can putaboard a spacecraft
only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
-- Wernher von Braun
They tell the generals they can ask the new C3C system anything, anything at all. A four-star general sends his aide up to type in the question: "will it be war or will it be piece" The AI sifts through its many assertions and rules, and replies "yes". The general, obviously miffed, roars "Yes, WHAT??" The AI replies "Yes, SIR!"
Question: Who was the first computer technician?
Answer: Eve. She had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other.
Trolling is a art,
Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says, "I'll have a beer". The second string says to the bartender, "I'll have a lkjekjaicks@@4c". The very confused bartender turns to the first string and asks what the problem with the second string. The first string responds, "You'll have to excuse my friend, he's been drinking a lot tonight and has lost his null terminator".
One atom says to the other "hey, I think I lost an electron!" The other says "are you positive?"
All three got out of the car, and started to discuss what the problem could be. The mechanical engineer said "Well, it's probably something in the engine that's broken. We should check there first".
The chemical engineer disagreed, "No, I think the fuel compression ratio is off. We should try and correct that first".
The computer engineer said, "I've seen this problem before. All we need to do to get the car to start, is take out the windows, and put them back in."
A man finds a lamp and poof, out comes a genie who gives him 3 wishes.
The man's first wish is to live forever and it is granted.
Then he realizes that eventually the universe will end so he wishes for the hubble constant to be zero and it is granted.
Satisfied, he sits back and wishes for a bowl of pudding. Poof, a bowl of pudding materializes out of nowhere, the hubble constant goes negative, and the universe colapses.
--------
It's OK to be social, just don't tell anyone about it.
Right, and since the inside is the outside, you want the area to be the smallest possible.
Mod down posts with a "Free Mac Mini/iPod" sig, they're spam!
An amusing posting to comp.lang.c++.moderated: new keyword.
At the risk of giving useful information in a joke thread, try syncing the time between servers; use NTP for $DEITY's sake!
A physicist walks into a classroom and sees that the trashcan is on fire in the corner.
How does he put it out?
He douses it with water, then publishes 10 papers on methods for gathering water from disparate sources, dousing burning trashcans on desks with water, and all the intermediate techniqes involved.
A mathematician walks in and sees the same thing.
How does he put out the fire?
He simply takes the fire extinguisher from off the wall and puts out the fire.
The same physicsist walks into the next classroom and sees a trashcan on a desk on fire.
How does he put it out?
He douses it with water, then publishes 20 papers on putting out fires in trashcans on desks and the effects of altitude on fire intensity, etc.
The mathematician encounters the same thing.
He looks puzzlingly at the trashcan for 15 minutes, then picks it up and puts it onto the floor. "AHA!" he says. "Now I know how to put out the fire"
Q: Why do SQL programmers make good marriage prospects?
A: Because they're not afraid to COMMIT.
NASA is not just a space agency it also has aeronautical concerns and focuses a lot of energy on atmospheric aircraft. For President Bush to say that NASA holding space as a high priority is not dumb but reflective of someone who understands that NASA has more than one role.
Microsoft Works.
:)
Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week.
I wrote this. I feel that the topic of hard disk humor is largely, and tragically underappreciated.
-- I wanna decide who lives and who dies - Crow T. Robot, MST3K
The whole point of a lottery, for the lottery organization, is to get money without earning it. You can be sure that they are doing so. That kind of people will lie if necessary.
...may be both short and stout. This should be funny:5. That's my favorite rfc. Maybe a link to rfc 2324, the HyperText Coffee Pot Control Protocol, would be nice....
philcrissman.com.
Computer Haiku
No keyboard present, Hit F1 to continue Zen engineering?
The Tao that is seen; Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner.
Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred.
Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
Seeing my great fault Through darkening blue windows I begin again.
The code was willing, It considered your request, But the chips were weak.
Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy?
A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone.
Errors have occurred. We won't tell you where or why. Lazy programmers.
Server's poor response Not quick enough for browser. Timed out, plum blossom.
Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
Login incorrect. Only perfect spellers may enter this system.
This site has been moved. We'd tell you where, but then we'd have to delete you.
Wind catches lily scatt'ring petals to the wind: segmentation fault
ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask way too much.
First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully.
With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found.
The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist
Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The network is down
A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
There is a chasm of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge
Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that.
To have no errors Would be life without meaning No struggle, no joy
You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.
Hal, open the file Hal, open the damn file, Hal open the, please Hal
Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.
Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped.
The ten thousand things How long do any persist? Netscape, too, has gone.
Rather than a beep Or a rude error message, These words: "File not found."
Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Paul Gillingwater
MBA, CISSP, CISM
There's actually some interesting stories behind a few of those "Yogi-isms". For instance, the "when you come to a fork in the road..." comment was originally said while giving someone directions to his home. Supposedly, the road splits and both directions looped around to his house. It really didn't matter which way you took.
Supposedly. Grain of salt not included.
This is late in the post and no one may ever read it, but, what the heck. It may be more of a geek joke than a tech joke, if there's a difference.
philcrissman.com.
And his name was Wonko the Sane?
yeah, but save it for an alternate punchline--
then the applied mathematician removed one section of fence and made a triangle, or something like that.
Liberty uber alles.
I know... this is old, but it's still good.
Windows 95: A graphical shell and a 32 bit update to a 16 bit patch of an 8 bit operating system originally written for a 4 bit microprocessor by a two bit company that can't stand one bit of competition.
-- This sig for rent.
This joke is only really funny if you say, out loud, the first thing that (should) come to your mind.
How do you get a 300 pound woman
into a size 6 Dress?
A: You take the "C" out of Truck
and the "F" out of way
Use your head, can't you, use your head,
You're on earth, there's no cure for that - S. Beckett
A mathematician is someone who thinks that numbers aren't real if you can count them.
"The good die first." "Most of us are morally ambiguous, which explains our random dying patterns." --- MST3K
A bit dated, referring to floppy disks and config.sys, but wonderful nonetheless (and still accurate):
h tm
I bought a new computer,
It cost two thousand pound;
But every time I switch it on
I keeps on falling down.
I used to think it was my friend
Now it drives me round the bend;
You'd be surprised the time
I spend Reinstalling Windows.
I switch it on; what is this?
Something wrong with config.sys;
This isn't my idea of bliss,
Reinstalling Windows.
I want to share my printers and
I want to share my files,
I want to share my anger 'cos
It drives me bloomin' wild.
Load disk four, oh what fun!
It says it helps you get things done;
Every day now everyone's
Reinstalling Windows.
Load disk ten; it will say
All you do is plug and play
Why do I spend every day
Reinstalling Windows?
It can't find my printer
It can't locate my mouse;
The other day it told me that
They were in some other house.
Still unplugged, still unplayed,
E-mailed God in search of aid
He's far too busy I'm afraid
Reinstalling Windows.
Up at dawn for one more try;
Does it work? Can pigs fly?
How do I expect to die?
Reinstalling Windows.
It doesn't like my modem and
Detests all CD-ROMs;
let's see if the setup wizard
Recognizes bombs.
I used to like a drink or three;
No time now, don't call for me;
I'm going to spend eternity
Reinstalling Windows
This version shamelessly lifted from http://www.davesfunstuff.com/demento/14art200201.
Ahhh,
Thats why when pascal was popular, we didn't have protected memory. It wasn't needed..
8P
I apologize to any Native Americans, and anyone else, that read this...
A Native American warrior was gaining status in his tribe, and the time came when he took a wife. He went out and killed a bison, and presented the skin to her for her bed. She bore him a son.
The warrior continued to gain status in his tribe, and soon he took a second wife. He went out with his bow and arrow and brought down a mountain lion, and gave the skin to his new wife for her bead. She bore him two sons.
Finally, the warrior became the chief of his tribe and took a thrid wife. For her wedding bed, he went out and killed a hippo, and presented its skin to her. She bore him three sons.
In conclusion, the sons of the squaw on the hippopatomous are equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.
"A witty saying proves nothing." --Voltaire
Lotteries are for investors who suck at math.
Two geeks are admiring a bike. The first says to the second, "This bike is great! Where did you get it?"
The second geek answers, "A beautiful girl rode up to me in the street, jumped off, stripped naked and said 'take anything you want!'"
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a palm tree? A: (elephant)(palm tree)sine theta
"Why, fer cryin' out loud, research physicists need Porsches, too!" -- Opus, "Bloom County"
So I guess that's why the U.S. Congress has been passing so many expansions of copyright (NET, Bono Act, DMCA, etc.) that instead of "promot[ing] the progress of science and useful arts" like the Constitution prescribes, impedes such progress.
Will I retire or break 10K?
Three engineers are sitting in a bar, discussing their research.
E1: "I spent $50,000 on my research, and I have concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is wider than the shaft is to provide more pleasure for the man during sex."
The second engineer pipes up:
E2: "No, no, you're all wrong. I spent $50,000 on my research, and the reason the head of a man's penis is wider than the shaft is to provide more pleasure for the woman during sex."
The third engineer interrupts:
E3: "No, you're both wrong. I spent $5 on my research, and the reason the head of a man's penis is wider than the shaft is so he doesn't smack himself in the forehead while masturbating."
The link you gave to Snopes.com states that the urban legend about railroad gauge being derived from that of ancient rutways "isn't exactly false in an overall sense and is perhaps more fairly labelled as 'True, but for trivial and unremarkable reasons.'" The humor here lies in 1. the dual meaning of the phrase "horse's ass", and 2. the fact that the punch line comes completely by surprise, after the reader has read through what doesn't immediately look like a joke.
Will I retire or break 10K?
Two strings walk into a bar and the first one asks for a drink. The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve string in here", so the string goes outside, rubs himself against the wall any twists about like a possessed yoga instructor.
He walks back into the bar and says "I'll have a beer please bartender"
The bartender says "Look, I told you, we don't serve string, and you're a string aren't you?"
He replies "no, I'm a frayed knot".
Parent would have been funny but for the fact that the engineer doesn't recognize the dynamics of germs in restrooms. It's not the urine itself that transmits germs (unlike feces, urine is sterile) but rather the touching of the private parts and the touching of the flush lever.
Will I retire or break 10K?
A civil engineer, and electrical engineer, and a computer scientist are discussing the relative merits of their professions, and citing examples of great inventions.
The civil engineer says, "The nation's highway system is the greatest invention because lets people go from place to place , whenever they want to go."
The electrical engineer, says, "The telephone system is the greatest invention because it lets people communicate from place to place, instantly."
The computer scientist is puzzled for a while, and says, "The world's greatest invention bar none is the Thermos."
"The Thermos?" asks the electrical engineer.
"You put hot coffee in it in the morning and in the afternoon, it's still hot. You put cold lemonade in it in the morning, and in the afternoon, it's still cold."
"But why is that the world's greatest invention?" asks the incredulous civil engineer.
The computer scientist replies earnestly, "How does it know?"
Genuine Windows dialog box.
What's so funny about a one time pad?
Will I retire or break 10K?
Its not the number of sides thats an issue but the area to perimeter ratio(this is known as the isoperimetric problem)
"We have got to make Stan understand the importance of voting, because he'll definitely vote for our guy." - South Park
well then, since a circle is the most efficient 2d shape in terms of circumference (or perimeter) vs. enclosed surface area, a circular fence would use the smallest amount of fencing while providing the smallest internal area
nobody else would think to run a toxic waste line through a major recreational area!
Urine is nowhere near as toxic as feces. Thus, the civil engineer has called his ass "a major recreational area". How gay.
To fix this bug, replace "toxic waste line" with "waste disposal line".
Will I retire or break 10K?
The experienced pilot and the trainee co-pilot are on the last leg of their flight home, when suddenly a thick fog appears and all the instruments in the plane fail - no sight whatsoever.
They cruise around for a while, then the pilot opens the window and yells to a guy sitting in an office skyscraper: "Where the f*&# are we?".
The guy yells back "YOU ARE IN A PLANE!!!"
Upon hearing this, the pilot banks sharp left, then right and lands the plane perfectly on the airstrip.
The co-pilot is completely amazed: "How did you know where the airport was from what that guy told you?" - "Easy," the pilot said, "the answer he gave me was brief, absolutely correct and completely useless. So the building must have been the Microsoft Helpdesk and the airport is just to the left of that."
Ta-daaaa!
I asked for a refund - and got my monkey back.
1LEZ82
Not exactly geeky, but funny anyway 8-)
(of course a woman was driving that car...)
...there was the statistician who drowned in a river that was, on average, only 1 ft. deep.
And you also want to use as little fence as possible. Thus, if you're not willing to accept a fence of length 0 enclosing the whole earth, then you'll have to resort to a wooden tube stuck in the ground.
(Score:_, Offtopic)
true && more || less
True, but we're building the fence out of predefined segments. Therefore, a square of perimeter 12 is built from 4 segments of length 3 each, and the equilateral triangle would be built from only 3 segments and have a total perimeter of 9.
Besides, we're defining the rest of the earth to be the "inside", so we want the area of the conventionally-enclosed area to be as small as possible.
For geek dads: Contraction Timer
Rats! Why didn't I think of that?
For geek dads: Contraction Timer
Didn't see this one---it's an oldie, but a goodie for those who remember what a certain company was like once upon a time---the tech connection comes in at the punch line.
Three women were sitting in a bar, discussing their lovers.
The first woman says, ``My lover is a wrestler---he's so strong and virile and forceful---it's wonderful!''
The second woman replies, ``My lover is a poet---he's so gentle and thoughtful---it's fabulous!''
They then turn to the third woman who says, ``My lover is a salesman for IBM. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how good it'll be when I finally get it.''
William
Sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow.
That a math teacher ACTUALLY told in class:
What's the integral of 1/cabin dcabin?
A houseboat!
(log cabin + sea)
utter rubbish
A businessman hires a mathematician a computer programmer and an economist. He decides to give them a very simple test on their first day of employment.
He calls the mathematician into his office and asks him "what is the total of 1 + 1?" The mathematician quickly says "That's easy, 2".
Next the programmer is asked the same question, "what is the total of 1 +1?" The programmer says, "I could answer that easily enough, but I think it would better if I developed a calculator that you could run yourself and get the answer."
Finally the economist is asked the same questions "what is the total of 1 +1?" The economist closes the door to the office, shuts the blinds, turns on a radio and then whispers in the mans ear "What do you want them to total?".
When punk rock is outlawed, only outlaws will have punk rock.
ok, so it's an insult, but it's still funny
also
I ran a tracert on your mom and found her on the corner.
Xaotik Designs
Ok. Not all of these are nerdy, but they're still darn funny.
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to
produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
- Rich Cook
"Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them"
- from alt.sysadmin.recovery
If all you have is an axe, every problem looks like hours of fun.
"Campus Crusade for Cthulhu! If your God's dead, blame Ours!"
"One of my favorite games when I was a kid was 'murder/suicide.'
Dad would show us a photo and ask us, "Is it a murder or a
suicide?" -- Colleen Doran
"There are three types of people in the world. Those who believe in the excluded middle; those who don't believe in the excluded middle; those who don't not believe, in the excluded middle.
(Needs knowledge).
Until he got tenure, then he offloaded all the work on grad students.
News for Geeks in Austin, TX
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess." He
picked the frog up and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for a week!" The
man took the frog out of his pocket and smiled at it and returned it to
his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you
want!" Again the man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
returned it to his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter!!??" I've told you
that if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll
stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want! Why won't you kiss
me!!??
The man said, "Look, I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for
a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool!"
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
Zero, a mountain climber is a scalar
Q. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, it's a hardware problem.
1. Steve Jobs in that goofy-looking suit.
2. Steve Ballmer doing his monkey boy dance.
3. Microsoft Bob
4. all-optical networking
5. Netscape's value in 1995/96
6. AOL buying Time-Warner
7. The price of Silicon Valley real estate.
8. Webvan
The car was an 'infiniti'
The license plate said: tan270
What's Avocado's Number?
A Guacamole!
Haw!
"The other two-thirds stayed firmly at home and lived full, rich and happy lives until they were all suddenly wiped out by a virulent disease contracted from a dirty telephone."--Douglas Adams
Yes, but if we go for minimal area, then a triangle with equal sides must always have the same area, while a quadrilateral with equal sides can have an arbitrarily small size (although it must be non-negative). A degenerate equilateral quadrilateral can have zero area. It is true, however, that if the segments are predetermined and reasonably short (less than a few thousand kilometers), then the area/perimeter is still higher with the triangle because the little area gained with the quadrilateral by no means matches the 1/3 gain in perimeter.
(Score:_, Offtopic)
true && more || less
Q: Who invented the Internet?
A: Bull Gates.
An engineer, a computer programmer, and a civil engineer were arguing what profession would be the most equivalent to describe God.
The engineer insisted that the subtle structures of the various organs, the efficiency of reuse of basic design, and the way in which all the parts worked together as a whole clearly showed that God was most engineer like.
The computer programmer pointed to the complexity of the brain and the mind as proof that God was most like a programmer.
The civil engineer pointed to the urinary system.
"Who else but a civil engineer," he said, "would run a liquid waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Hey, this is the internet. Later you'll be able to pretend you did.
Liberty uber alles.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender slides a cold one down the bar and the neutron asks, "How much?". The bartender says, "For you? No charge."
Only one.
But it takes him all night. And when he's done, the refrigerator and toilet don't work.
Anal sex is like hacking....
you go in through the backgoor and hope you dont meet a log
One of my favorites is this one:
--JoeProgram Intellivision!
Good thing I never touch the flush lever. Specially in a restroom :)
It's better to be the foot on the boot than the face on the pavement. ~~ tkx Kadin2048
No, it is the other way around: on a plane, the circle encompasses the most area for its circumference/perimeter. However, as someone else has noted, the fence must be made of prefabricated sections anyway.
true && more || less
And his name was Wonko the Sane?
It was, was it? :)
He stopped and looked at the blackboard with a puzzled expression. "Is it obvious?" he asked himself, loudly enough that the students heard him. "Hmf," he said as he left the room.
Now mind you, this was MIT, so the students sat patiently in their seats. Twenty minutes later, the professor returned and cleared his throat.
"Yes, from here it is obvious that V equals ..." The professor continued his presentation.
Washington, DC: It's like Hollywood for ugly people.
"Life on the Internet is living in SYN."
if the answer isn't violence, neither is your silence / freedom of expression doesn't make it alright
"Two turing machines walk into a bar"
I tried to make a joke starting with the above opening, then I realized the opening itself constitutes a parody on geek culture and joke cliches.
But a finisher to the joke would be appreciated.
Jesus and Satan are argueing about who is the better computer user. The arguement escalates until a point where, low and behold, God steps in and proposes a test.
God sets up Jesus and Satan with identical computers and informs them that they are to develop the worlds best operating system.
God yells "GO!" and the two begin working at feverish paces. For a while, the two are neck and neck. However, after a bit, Satan takes a huge lead.
All of the sudden...Poof! All power is lost.
Who won?
Jesus.
Why?
Because Jesus Saves!
(How is that for some double entendre?)
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a martini. When the
bartender hands him the drink, the neutron asks, "How much
do I owe you?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
A mosquito cried out in pain:
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
The cause of his sorrow
was para-dichloro-
diphenyltrichloroethane.
[DDT is easier to say, but it doesn't rhyme.]
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to opperate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangable."
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, sorry, you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
A physicist has confirmed his calculations, and noted that this did not violate relativity since no information was actually being transmitted.
Too much Law; not enough Order.
A family doc, a psychiatrist, an internist, a surgeon and a pathologist go duck hunting.
First to go is the family practitioner. A duck comes in low, and the doc says "Hey! That looks like a duck!" But before he can get off a shot, he turns to each of the other doctors in turn and asks them if they think it really is a duck. By the time he has a consensus the duck is long gone.
Next is the psychiatrist. The duck flies in, and he says "Say! That looks like a duck. But I wonder if it sees itself as a duck?... And does 'duckness' actually have any neurobiological basis or is it just a theoretical construct of reality?..." By the time he has finished stroking his beard and philosophizing, the duck is past and he has missed his chance.
Next up is the internist. As his target approaches, he says , "Aha! Here comes something that is most likely a duck. However, the differential diagnosis also includes a goose, a coot, a swan, or an unusual presentation of an eagle. Of course, when I was a resident, I shot an albatross that looked just like that. There are also case reports of pterodactyls with those features in the literature, but I have never seen one in person." By the time his exhaustive differential is completed, the duck is in the next county.
Next is the surgeon. A distant speck appears on the horizon. He shouts "DUCK!" and blazes away until his gun is empty. He picks up the next doctor's gun, and the next, and blasts away until on his last shot the bird is hit and falls dead on the other side of the field.
Then the surgeon turns to the pathologist and says, "Now run out there and tell me if it really was a duck!"
-ccm
Too much Law; not enough Order.
while monkey==stiff
{
spank(monkey);
}
The above code is hereby placed in the public domain [for automated spank-o-matics in the future.]
Use ISO 8601 dates [YYYY-MM-DD]
Use ISO 8601 dates [YYYY-MM-DD]
Q: How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: No.
Sadly, I don't think it's possible to combine the UNTIL and VARYING clauses (as in ... VARYING GIRL FROM FIRST_GIRL TO LAST_GIRL.), but it's been a while since I coded in that abortion of a language.
You could've hired me.
what do you get when you cross Lee Iacocca with a vampire?
Autoexec.bat!
i know, arghhhh!
eric
Dear Mr Architect
"Assume a perfect cow...."
Assume a spherical cow, radiating milk isometrically ...
Sorry for the inconvenience :-)
..who drowned in a river with average depth of 1 meter? ;-)
A parroty error.
"There is nothing so simple that works so well that it can't be made to work better by making it more complicated" - ?
The engineering major asks, how does that work? The physics major asks, why does that work? The arts major asks, would you like fry's with that?
Religion is a gateway psychosis. -- Dave Foley
Werner pulled over and rolled down his window. The policeman got out and went up to Werner.
"Do you know how fast you were going?" asked the police officer.
"No," said Werner, "But I know where I am."
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "I can't drive this thing!"
The new prisoner yells -14. The place pauses, then after a few seconds, the place explodes in laughter. They had never heard that one before.
How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Don't be silly....that's a hardware problem!
A superkaratemonkeydeathcar
If you break it apart, does Micrtosoft mean "small" and "limp?"
When presented a particularily dumb user error - I used to expain the error to them as an id ten T error.
may Johnny, and that joke, RIP...
MORTAR COMBAT!
Bob: Hey, guy. what's up? Cool new bike !
Bill: Thanks, man.
Bob: Where did you get it ?
Bill: Well, a really strange thing happened. I was walking this way, and this really beautiful coed rode up on the bike. She stopped, got off, took off all her clothes, and said, "God, you're hot. Take anything you want!"
Bob: Good choice, man -- the clothes probably wouldn't have fit, anyway.
NTP is the Naziest thing I have ever tried to install. /accurate/, I just want them to be /precise/.
Maybe if it had some nice and simple way of syncronizing 3 computers on a private network, but it doesnt even want to connect to something which it doesnt consider to be a good enough source- that is, something which has been validated by 3 atomic clocks.
I dont want my clocks to be
-- 'The' Lord and Master Bitman On High, Master Of All
A software engineer, and hardware engineer and a network engineer are driving along when, while driving down a hill, the car veers out of control and crashes into a post. Miraculously, they survive.
The hardware engineer sizes up the situation and says, "There's some tools in the car, I can have it repaired in an hour."
The network engineer says, "I've got my phone, I can call for help."
The software engineer says, "No, no, what we need to do is push the car back up to the top of this hill and see if it crashes again!"
$ find
Thermos : "How Does It Know?" The Thermos problem which has stumped scientists, engineers, and housewives for years is really very simple. The Thermos is manufactured on Venus. Since the surface temperature of Venus is probably in the vicinity of 600-degrees plus (please some A.R. respond with the exact temperature) the relative temperature of the contents of a thermos whether its 32-degrees F or 212-degrees F is pretty cool to a Venusian. So the Thermoses are only programmed to keep things cold relative to a Venusian. Further investigation has revealed that the latest Zogby poll has found the 0.063 percent of the population believes this to be a fact. Since this is the exact percent of the population (barring citizens of New York and members of the NSA) that wear tin foil beanies, we can now for a certainty that their minds are not being messed with. I hope this puts an end to this problem.
Use your head, can't you, use your head,
You're on earth, there's no cure for that - S. Beckett
The Top Ten Reasons Computers Must Be Male
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night
1. Size does matter!
The Top Ten Reasons Computers Must Be Female
10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing"
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Smalltalk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild!!!
The price of a memory is the memory of the sorrow it brings.
A help desk log got passed around the other day at work, one of our stores (i do second level support for big retail company) rings up to place a log on their monitor that is fuzzy and they want replaced. The person who taken the call then went and assigned it to the right team, but a little later another 1st level call center tech reads the log and makes the following comment... "VNCed to pc, everything looks fine) and CLOSES the log! Scary considering these guys have operator privs on store servers and even our corporate mainframe! argh!
YOU MIGHT BE A PHYSICS MAJOR...
if you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
Well, I'd doubt that. During my studies, we used to watch MacGuyver just to make fun of his stupid "inventions". Like when he used a bicycle frame to weld, because "it is made of magnesium". OMFG... On the other hand, we never ran out of stuff to laugh about. Weirdly no girl ever understood why we were laughing... strange...
Excellence: Moderate (mostly affected by comments on your karma)
Best. Reply. Ever.
I'm quoting that. =D
Karma: Dyn-o-mite!(mostly affected by Jimmy Walker reading your comments)
What do you get when you cross Lee Iacocca with Bella Lugosi?
autoexec.bat
How many IT Support people does it take to change a light bulb?
None; every time they show up, it works fine.
philcrissman.com.