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it warms my heart to know that artists will be getting all the money that's due to them. Musicians always look so poor when I see them on television. Finally, they can afford the lifestyle they deserve.

Did anyone else read the headline of this story to mean that Mars had been attacked? I don't know where my mind was going with that... Maybe The Onion knows.

I believe there are some rips available here.

I agree that TV is stupid, and I myself don't watch programming, and I didn't watch DVD's until I ran across Greencine.com. But empirically speaking, Americans who don't own TVs are really snooty.

Whoops. Just when I thought I'd never to that again. :-P Get confused with UBB Code and miss to preview the mess.

The 20 Charisma link again...

When a game feels more like a job than a game, it's time to quit.

Dude must've had a microphone in my apartment in college. My roomates and I would always ditch games when they "started to feel like work." Work is the antithesis of gaming, if the game drags and there's no reward, you've paid X amount of money to waste time. I can waste time for free, I have Slashdot, Fark, The Onion, & PA!

Customers: Shop wisely. You are voting with your dollars. If you accept draconian DRM, you will NEVER get your freedom back. You must protect your individual rights by choosing the best product and not buying based solely on emotionally exciting advertising hype or getting pushed around by impotent corporate shortcuts to profitability.

Corporations: Adapt to the changing environment as you have always done. Listen to the customers and do everything possible to keep these informed consumers on your side. Search for innovative ways to improve your product, streamline your processes, and still make a REASONABLE amount of money. Stay alive to serve the customers tomorrow.

Here's a quick rundown of some of the main gripes consumers have with big media products today:

Things Wrong with Movies: Overpriced movies to match the overpriced snacks, Ben Affleck and J-Lo, crappy plots (which also may fall under the Ben Affleck category), $20+ million dollar salaries for actors which leads to increased ticket prices, irritating and useless copy-protection on DVDs, etc.

Things Wrong with Music: Overpriced CDs, Britney Spears, not enough money given to the artists, Britney Spears, generic one-hit wonder boy bands pushed like a cheap drug, Britney Spears, general refusal to adapt to the internet (thank Apple for what innovation there is there), etc.

Things Wrong with Satellite: Well, nothing.... We're just stealing that because we can.

Hey weren't you featured in the Onion a while back...

Wouldn't this already be covered in their patent of ones and zeroes?

So who wants to take bets on who turns us into pets first: The kung-Fu Robots or the Dolphins with Thumbs.

Stooping to 'their' level doesn't help anyone.

Time for you to find an elementary English teacher for a lesson on "sarcasm" and "irony".

They are rhetorical techniques and in no way equivalent to "stooping" or even emulating the source material. By blatantly imitating the superficial structure of a passage, a message of an entirely different nature can be sent.

(I will note that Roblimo is by no means a master of the satirical form, but his intent was painfully clear to anyone understanding the background of the situation- that is, people who've used KDE, read English for more than 3 years, and have IQs above 75)

thought i was reading The Onion for a second there.

Ritalin Cures Next Picasso
WORCESTER, MA--Area 7-year-old Douglas Castellano's unbridled energy and creativity are no longer a problem thanks to Ritalin, doctors for the child announced Friday. After years of failed attempts to stop Douglas' uncontrollable bouts of self-expression, we have finally found success with Ritalin, Dr. Irwin Schraeger said. For the first time in his life, Douglas can actually sit down and not think about lots of things at once. Castellano's parents reported that the cured child no longer tries to draw on everything in sight, calming down enough to show an interest in television.

Personally, I'd ask this guy.

Is your name Jonathan Green?

You're probably thinking of this from the Onion:

http://www.theonion.com/onion3308/realtimetv.html realtimetv

Yep, that's it; thanks.

You're probably thinking of this from the Onion:

http://www.theonion.com/onion3308/realtimetv.html realtimetv

Cool move. I've also opted out of TV (3 years) and radio (10 years) due to them both sucking big time. I have so much more time these days :-)

I read an article about you the other day. You seem like a pretty cool guy.

I think I know where you're coming from.

--This post is published under the GPL, and therefore owned by SCOFUD.

I thought M$ already owned all the ones and zeros. Prior art to the SCO patents?.....

Area man constantly mentioning he doesn't subscribe to cable

Special forces? I think he means very special forces.

Of course, stranger things have happened, like Coke and Pepsi sponsoring schools. What, I wonder, would the teachers make of it if a student piped up and said they were going to give the album away for free anyway? Would they be carted off to RIAA-retraining camp?

H-Dog, is that you? Baby, don't tell me you gone skipped out on Accounts Receivable and be hangin' with them tech support bitches, I could not believe that shit.

H-Dog, is that you? Baby, don't tell me you gone skipped out on Accounts Receivable and be hangin' with them tech support bitches, I could not believe that shit.

here

They never fail and are always right on target.

UPDATE: The Onion did have an article like this. Here is an example of what good bogus journalism is about. I got it from this post.

So they patented those numbers, huh?

Unfortunately for them, MicroSoft has patented ones and zeroes.

Life imitates art.

I thought that guy got fired...

"I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed honeyed cakes by 67 virgins in a tree-lined garden, if only I would fly the airplane into one of the Twin Towers," said Mohammed Atta, one of the hijackers of American Airlines Flight 11, between attempts to vomit up the wasps, hornets, and live coals infesting his stomach. "But instead, I am fed the boiling feces of traitors by malicious, laughing Ifrit. Is this to be my reward for destroying the enemies of my faith?"

Bill Gates could buy himself both bionic legs, and *both* bionic arms. He could attach it to a bionic torso, leaving only his head organic.

Killer Robots Storm Home of Bill Gates' Childhood Bully

SEATTLE, WA -- Walter Conrad, a 46-year old sporting-goods retail manager, was assaulted in his home by an army of killer Microsoft robots yesterday.

Conrad, who had tormented and teased Microsoft CEO Bill Gates when the two were in junior high school together, suffered minor injuries in the attack. He sustained an estimated $120,000 in property damage.

According to a Seattle Police Department report, at approximately 8:20 p.m., six robots wielding large iron fists and saw-blade hands entered Conrad's home and relentlessly pursued him. He only managed to escape death, police said, because of the robots "lumbering pace". The robots where later traced to a secret, subterranean compound in nearby Redmond.

"He will not escape my armies next time," Gates said in a multimedia announcement, in which his image was broadcast on thousand of 40-foot-high closed-circuit screens across the U.S. "He will not escape."

(from: The Onion Presents: Our Dumb Century , p. 163)

I call BULLSHIT! Obvious this person is either lying straight out, misquoted, or an complete asshat if she works at MTV and doesn't understand what is going on. First, I'm willing to bet that kids (just like me) do research to find artists they like: especially the trend setters. Those that don't spend the time finding the good stuff are the sheep: they follow the trend setters. Thus, peer influences are going to be the biggest factor - and yes, MTV tries very, very hard to pass itself off as a peer, or at least showing "peers" watching and listening to the crap they play on MTV.

Thirdly (and most importantly), what the f8sck is wrong with people listening to the artists they choose themselves? The quote is implying that the kids aren't listening to what we told them to! "Whaaa! How can we use marketing to control people that make their own decisions!?" This is a great example the NYTimes doing what it does best. Here is an example of something really positive - people chosing what they like - and the Times spins it like it is some sort of terrible limitation. Unless the Times has replaced The Onion...

Are you sure this article wasnt written for The Onion?

I'm not convinced that anything "we" have done has helped stem terrorism in any way. Where's the evidence?

Your people will not be allowed to further weaken our position in the world.

Last I checked, the United States was very, very strong in the world. In fact, so absurdly, pathologically strong that many countries are complaining about the constant bullying from the U.S. Enough is enough . . . absolute military and economic superiority over everything is not all it's cracked up to be. You remind me of this.

And regarding the fact that most people supported the war: they supported it based on statements from our goverment that are now known to be untrue.

Never forget!

This shouldn't have been posted on Slashdot... It should have been posted on The Onion...

It worked for this guy...

3.1 billion web pages indexed

A search for 'the' on Google gives 5,140,000,000 results, indicating their index is above 5 billion. The results are very interesting. Strangely, the first result is theonion.com, America's finest news service, indeed!

security is an illusion

Calling the American people's enormous shit-belief capacity "one of the cornerstones of our democracy," U.S. Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) stressed that it is the patriotic duty of all citizens to grant our leaders the benefit of the doubt with regard to their shit.
"If the American people are no longer willing to believe this shit, who will?" Kerry said. "Somebody's got to take this shit at face value. Otherwise, why are we even doing all this shit in the first place? I am truly saddened by the lack of faith that the citizens of this country are willing to put in my shit, as well as that of my esteemed colleagues. We must repair our society's fraying trust in the shit of our elected officials, or you would not believe the kind of hardcore, heavy-duty shit that will come down."

Microsoft's only comeback I can think of is that, at least, they patented ones and zeroes.

....I mean, SCO is looking for BILLIONS....and their business hasn't been destroyed

I think I'm getting all teary. Must be the onion.

Wow - the RIAA has to be pretty damn desperate to pull this kind of Mickey Mouse BS. The RIAA's warped sense of reality rivals that of the Heaven's Gate cosmonauts. This one last chace to surrender tactic is pretty pathetic. I guess you cannot expect them to just throw in the towel, but I think that the use of these these desperate scare tactics are yet more evidence that the fight is over.

One has to kinda feel bad for the recording industry, poisoned by the P2P, we watch this dinosaur breath it's last few breaths. Sympathy aside; do we need record labels? What need or demand do they fulfill? They take artists - produce, advertise, then distribute their albums - their revenue is generated from record sales of which 1-8% ends up going to the artist. Artists make money by touring and endorsements.

Recording equipment used to be extremely expensive - thus making bands dependent on record labels to front the money needed to make an album. This is not the case anymore. One can make a professional recording studio for under 30,000 dollars, and this number keeps shrinking every year. Bands can produce/fund their own albums. Technology has brought 'Recording' to the individual - eliminating the 'Industry'.

Control of society's sources of information (radio/tv) is the foundation of the recording industry's business model. The RIAA's stranglehold of radio and TV is becoming more and more irrelevant as the masses are turning to the Internet for their info. The Internet is intrinsically decentralized - thus the RIAA cannot dictate what content is avalibe via the web. One's exposure to new music is no longer limited the 50 song playlists of their local radio stations or what they see on tv...

Distribution - I think it is evident the Internet is a pretty effective medium for distributing music.

So, where does all this leave the artists? Pretty much right where they are now - they can still make money by selling concert tickets/merchandise - as long as they do not suck. Offsetting lack of talent with marketing will become increasingly futile. No more mass marketed music? Sounds like a good idea to me. No more boy bands, brittany spears, lincon park, etc. What does marketing have to do with art anyways?

Can no one tell this is a spoof. Tomnorrow we'll all find out it originated on The Onion

I know this is offtopic, but.... This is the funnest picture of Bush I've seen yet. Nope, Bush isn't showing off his dog's knowledge of rolling over.. the guy dropped the dog. The best part is, it's not a photoshopped from the fine folks of The Onion.

Area Man Constantly Mentioning He Doesn't Own A Television

You need to watch a certain amount of TV, to exercise your media and pop culture interpretation skills. It's like how you have to drink beer at least every so often, to maintain your alchohol tolerance. In both cases, moderation is beneficial, while going overboard is dangerous.

It remains unclear as to why Owen dressed up like a butler for the epic ride up Mount Washington. It surely won't help reduce the ridicule he receives from neighbors and friends. Perhaps he felt it lent a bit of dignity to the affair.

Is it just me or would it take an awful lot more than a butler's outfit to bring some dignity to a ride up a mountain on yuppie-gocarts organized by a retired clown?

"Winds were gusting from all sides and I had to stay down, just like skiing," Dick Norris, 69, a train conductor and fellow rider told the AP.

A train conductor? Good grief. Where are they getting these guys from?

Rob Owen, a retired clown, and two other riders surged up Mount Washington at 12.5 mph, the AP reports.

Okay, who wants to take a crack at guessing the career of the mysterious third rider? Former jet-setting CEO of a dot-com company who now works as the janitor in an adult bookstore? What about the dude who has to stamp "Inspected by #42" on all those pairs of underwear? Maybe it was Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer Lloyd Schumner Sr.?

The Register, huh? This is the kind of hard-hitting news I would expect CNN Headline News.

GMD

Microsoft Patents Ones and Zeros

DC vs. Marvel and Star Wars IX for Playstation 5