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Curse Your Way to Live Support
EtherMonkey writes "Wired is reporting on new software developed at University of Southern California's Speech Analysis and Interpretation Laboratory. Researchers there have come up with working code to detect the frustration and anger level of callers working their way through automated attendant phone systems."The system works by analyzing not only what callers say, but also how they say it. Callers get transferred if they start to spit out expletives or if they simply sound angry.""
If this were used at Microsoft, would this mean that the automated system would never be used?
Why do I foresee an increase of callers with Tourrettes?
(auto attendant)Thank you for calling XYZ corp. For support, press
(customer) FUCK SHIT DAMN HELL BITCH!!!
(auto attendant) Transferring to an attendant. Thanks for calling XYZ Corp.
(customer) SCHWEET.
Sent from your iPad.
So instead of dialing 0, I'll just say shit over and over and try to sound as mad as possible.
I wonder if the system could be programmed to forward to Darl's extension if I were to say the words litigious bastards?
Why do i get the feeling that when Howard Dean needs tech support on this system, he'll be put through in 0.05 seconds :)
Seems like there's an easy way to play this system. Just start any voice mail maze by spitting a stream of invectives into the phone and you get premium support.
Welcome to Acme! Press 1 for- .>
Hey, fsck you, you computerized piece of sh!t!!
Transferring to an operator now. .
Sweet!!
The bigotry of the nonbeliever is for me nearly as funny as the bigotry of the believer. - Albert Einstein
job interviews
Table-ized A.I.
As if taking live calls in a helpdesk weren't bad enough already, now they want to ensure the caller hits maximum frustration and anger before we let them talk to a real person. Great. That'll make everyone's jobs much easier. Oh, and I'm sure it'll increase customer satisfaction as well.
Buy the President
So, what, because I am the epitome of human patience I get to speak to machines all day, while captian rage gets transferred to a human automatically?
... oh wait, it works!
What a bunch of complete ****
Can they make the software interface with the wife/gf? When I swear, she offers premium support!
When someone finally gets through to a real person after cursing their way through the system, it will probably be Helga from the old Kremlin Customer Support. She take care of you!
Telenor has been using this for more than a year now. I fucking like it.
If it listens for tense, cursing callers then this system will never work well on phone sex lines.
Trolling is a art,
Wouldn't transferring people based on their anger level just make them more annoyed? "I'm sorry, you've sworn too much- I'm transferring you now to our new 'ultra-swearing system'" (insert a series of expletives here from angry customer) "Error- $SwearNum overflow...press Ctrl-ALt-Del on your phone to restart system"
Just hit 0 until the automated system gets frustrated and forwards you to a human being. It works almost every time, and saves you the frustration of dealing with the automated system in the first place.
!#@%*)anks for hanging up the phone, dear.
Since I've seemed to replace half the words and most punctuation with the word f*** when speaking. I f***ing knew my filthy f***ing mouth would f***ing come in f***ing handy one f***ing day. Mom will be so proud.
At the bottom of the endless pile of paper work which characterizes all regulation lies a gun.
Alan Greenspan
This is truly useless software. Is anyone who calls support happy? If you are, are you after wading through 100 voice menus and waiting 30 minutes to get to a real person? And, can you be happy when you talk to someone who knows absolutely nothing, transfers you and your call gets dropped?
A better solution is for companies to simply provide good technical support staffed by knowledgable and competent people.
Now when all the operators are "currently busy" helping other customers and I'm still stuck yelling at a machine, I'll know it's because the Adrew Dice Clay's of the world have priority over be due to their mouths.
"The best laid plans of mice and men gang oft agley..." - ROBERT BURNS
I don't mind menus that much, but what I hate are the 20 minute hold times after you break out of them to be transferred.
There is nothing wrong with being gay. It's getting caught where the trouble lies.
I prefer to press "0" at the automated phone tree, and save the outbursts of profanity for the morons who tell me they can't help me with my billing problem.
I am sure the people who sell search engine how-tos will be churning out scripts for customers to properly ramp up their anger.
If service agent says "blah blah blah" you respond "yada yada yada" for 10 anger management points but pause for 3 seconds during your statement to ensure that you anger velocity quotient does not exceed 50 fcks/min
I make my face look like this and concerned words come out.
The automated attendant at Dell:
Thank you for calling Dell's Customer Support Line. If you're experiencing a frustrating issue, please drop the F-bomb now..
+1, Rimshot! :)
!#@%*)anks for hanging up the phone, dear.
...but i can get *very* sarcastic and then (if really pushed) i speak very slowly. Will the system detect that?
I've recently gone through tech support from a few different companies that use voice recognition based menus. I don't know what the problem is, but I have a deep voice, and every time I try to get somewhere with these menus, they seem completely unable to recognize what I'm saying. Hence, I'm sure with this system implemented, and assuming it actually works, I would have been transferred to a real person to get assistance much earlier.
Of course, if the voice recognition system doesn't know what I'm saying, maybe the stress level detection will be confused as well.
Comment removed based on user account deletion
Word processors have destroyed my ability to spell. So now call centers will destroy my ability to speak without profanity, right? Wait... working in software has already done that. :)
I read in a newspaper in the train that this technology also can be used to detect lies. A lie-meter would be shown on the telephone indicating how much the other person lies. Finally a a useful technology.
"Until you do what you believe in, how do you know whether you believe in it or not?" -- Leo Tolstoy
If the companies have any sense they would simply 'lose' abusive callers before they get through to an employee.
Why should they waste their time with people who quite obviously won't want to do business with you in the future?
As has been amply demonstrated above, anyone who shouts at one of these things will get bumped to the front of the queue. Thus everyone will shout at them and everyone will get bumped to the front of the queue and so on ad infinitum. All that is except for the quiet little old lady waiting patiently on the end of the phone because the nice recorded voice told her that her call was 'very important to us'.
How about writing aprogram what actually helps solve the users' suport request? Isn't the real purpose of an automated calling system to do that without having to hire a real person to answer FAQs?
My problem with phone support is that is seems to take so long to establish that I know what i'm talking about, and trying to tell them what I need. It's rare that I call tech support and actually need them to diagnose a problem for me. It would be nice to have a customer profile that incorporates a product proficiency quotient(tm). so that I can go right to an engineer or product replacement on an issue I can diagnose myself.
The fact that such a system is even being developed is proof that an overwhelming number of people detest being put through an automated phone system.
Instead of giving live support (and thus eliminating the entire problem alltogether), money and resources are being spent on bandaids such as these.
... now we need an auto dialer kinda instrument that dials the support centre number and starts cursing/swearing non-stop till the system on the other end transfer you to a customer support executive!
Fuck That. Be Nice Bitch.
For account assistance, press or say ONE
If you know your party's extension, press or say TWO
For a staff directory, press or say THREE
To speak with an operator, press FOUR or say "SHIT SHIT ASS DAMN"
To repeat this menu press *
Slashdot Syndrome: the sudden, extreme urge to correct someone in order to validate one's self.
Do we finally get transferred to someone who actually has authority and answers to my questions? Somehow I doubt it.
Sad and depressing solution for a sad and depressing problem. I've got an idea! Hire people who know what they're doing, spend money to staff the phonelines, take customer service and satisfaction seriously... Wait, that's a bit radical.
I don't talk to automated telephone systems, I just press the numbers, so how could it recognize the stress in my voice?
Automated phone menus suck.
...
Having a working system that actually does something if you curse at the "bot" talking to you is OK.
I definetely curse at automated systems, and the LAST thing I try when I want to contact someone is CALLING or faxing.
However maybe companies need more intelligently built menues, not "anger level" measuring systems
...but will it detect irony ? "... yes but of course I am willing to take the server offline and install an other operating system so your tool you sold me for a lot of money will work..." Or is the time measured untill you hang up ? If the caller hangs up early he was very angry. If he/she hangs up after being one hour on hold, she was not angry. Analyze who is often angry and give them premium service. Analyze who is not angry and sell them premium service.
Spelling mistakes: My is english spoken not tongue of mother.
"Thank you for calling ABC customer support. Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed..
blah blah blah
If you would like to speak to an operator instead, say fuck or shit, anytime.
Free XBox, PS2
In addition to voice recognition, would the system also be able to identify my level of frustration based on how hard I press the button, how often I press it and how long I hold it down for?
BEEEEEEEPPP...BBBEEEEEEPPPPP...BEEEEEEEEEPPPP!
Imagine all the nice callers being filtered out or directed to the automatic system. What a wonderfull day at work this could be, when only the angry dumbasses get through to you. On the other hand it finaly pays of having decent music for those waiting.
And just imagine all the beatifull satistics - Yes we had a 12% raise of angry customer this month, but the good news is most of them will have a heart attack within the next year (rough noise to blood pressure estimation)
*Q: What kind of computer do you have? - A:Like one of those beige ones.*
On the other hand, one can readily claim that this is a tool to allow companies to better define and pursue the lower bound of just how little money and manpower they can allocate to customer service. As an asshole, you get to barge to the front of the line and berate live support that much faster; as a normal person, you'll either wait an eternity for support or get angry enough to trigger the system. The callers and tech support both lose, but the company sees an immediate reduction in support costs.
Now, which way do you all think this will swing?
Obliteracy: Words with explosions
...new software developed at University of Southern California's Speech Analysis and Interpretation Laboratory.
So now we only need some new software from the University of Northen California's Speech Synthesis and Invectification Laboratory that can elevate your support calls at the push of a button!
)9TSS
Yes, Lord Vader, right away Sir...
Not to mention the idea that a company would be unwilling to provide actual human help to one of their customers until said customer was frustrated enough to start cursing into a telephone. Gee, that's just impeccable customer service, don't you think?
I should know; I've been one of the people cursing into the phone before. This should come as a surprise to no one: the company in question was a major "fast-running" (wink wink) cell service provider. I had recently moved, and was trying to get my number switched over to the local area code. Never have I dealt with so much frustration in my life, before or since.
In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris will still kick your ass.
but this is Bullshit! I have been on hold on phone for a long time, whilst that is annoying, it is more annoying to finally get a hold of someone and not be helped. perhaps what they need is a ticket # that can put me in an express line when i call back. sometimes, i have called, waited for 30 minutes, told to get ABC and call back, then I call again, and have to wait for another 30 minutes and worst not even speak with the same person I did. A ticket # that we can just punch in to the phone to get me an immediate response will be nice, said ticket # would be valid for a few hours...
------ Curiosity killed the cat. {satisfaction brought it back | it didn't die ignorant | lack of it is killing mankind
Thanks for calling ABC Corp, how may...
Porcupine balls!
Transferring your call now...
(muttering) Stupid computer...
Hi, this is Mike at the Internet Help Desk, how can I help you?
I think I accidentally deleted my link to your Internet. Can I get it back?
Holy crap! We have our own Internet? Why wasn't I made aware of this?! Well, restoring your link shouldn't be a problem, unless you happen to be a rhesus monkey suffering from simian hemmorhagic fever. Does this fit your description, little man?
Uhhh....
I guess it does! Now, here's how you fix your stupid problem...
--Chag
Considering that by the time I call in the first place, I'm already incredibly frustrated, This must mean that I will be getting through to a live person within 4ns of every call I make.
It's a great idea, but people will exploit it. It just can't work for long.
It's funny. Laugh.
Sent from your iPad.
I hate seeing this sort of stuff. Because a customer is angry, you decide to give them better support than someone who treats you well. The obvious next step is that if someone takes his anger out on the help desk worker, they get to speak to a manager / higher level support person. Is his actual problem any more real / difficult to solve than the person who contains their frustration and treats the employees with respect? Who would you rather have as a customer?
That all said, there is a good use for this technology. Detect where in your phone tree people seem to be getting angry. Log that and analyse that for future use. If there are consistent places in the tree that people get frustrated with, you know where to focus your redesign efforts to make it better. Of course, you may see the anger develop two or more steps down the tree from the unclear question that causes the pissed-offedness. It'd probably take some careful analysis / research to really use this effectively.
Once I was calling my bank, phoning somethig like the 5th number. Ring Ring ... hold music, voicing my frustration I say "You Bastards". unfortunately that was the very second they put me through. I hear a yorkshire accent (alliance + leicester, northern bank) stutter at the other end "W-W-W-W What did you just call me!?". Fortunately when I explained I was swearing at the machine and not him, he took it in good humour. Good thing too, wonder what he could have done to my credit rating.
Where a human being answers the phone.
Nothing pisses me off more than being kept on hold by a series of robots. Especially when it's long distance.
Setting it up to reward foul-mouthed assholes with live support just pisses me off more.
I don't need no instructions to know how to rock!!!!
Regardless of what service I want, for understaffed companies, I find it's always quicker to call the sales department (they never have engaged lines or queues do they?), then just ask for the required department. It gives me satisfaction knowing that the odd couple of minutes that the salesdroids have spent looking for the required number is the equivalent cost of having a few extra customer support staff on the line...
This could produce some interesting performance data for the support tech. If they can use it as a 'satisfaction rating' along with call time and all the other metrics they track in big support shops, maybe it could identify the good and bad support people. There's bound to be a lot of difference between individual callers, but if the data is normalized over a few thousand calls, it should keep things 'fair'.
Of course, this assummes that a happy-sounding customer is a satisfied customer. For instance, if a support person had a think accent, was curt, was cursed with an unpleasant voice - whatever. You probably can't dump a guy because he has a bad voice, but you might be able to if you could prove that he isn't as effective as the rest of the phone jockeys.
What I hate is one automated menu after another and then 20 minutes of "Your Call is important to us!"
Fantastic! Lets deal with angry customers by rewarding the ones who are openly abusive, and therefore punishing those who are patient and calm.
The people working in the call centres are really going to thank them for that.
I buy a lot of stuff on the web. So, every once in a while, a company will screw up. In pursuing a remedy, I always start out pleasant and accomodating. But once they start in with typical incompentent customer service behaviour, like responding to an email with questions that were already answered in the original email, I start to respond with full-scale profanity and insults. Inevitably the profanity gets good results and usually very quickly.
In my opinion this is the stupidest way to run customer service. It encourages customers to mistreat your employees. The good companies never let the problem get to the point where profanity is needed, but I am, quite frankly, surprised at the number of companies that have such poor customer service organizations that the profanity route becomes mandatory.
By the way, I discovered this method one day after going round and round and round with a company so many times that I was completely hopeless. So I decided to vent a little steam, figuring that I was never going to get things fixed anyways and that any self-respecting person would just cut off correspondence once the profanity started. Man, was I surprised at how quickly they jumped to fix things after that, completely the opposite of what I had expected.
"For the call center it is frustration -- you don't want to lose the customer because they are becoming frustrated."
i understand that they want to use the automated systems as much as possible to take the load off of people, but if they are finding that the systems are causing so much frustration that they need to guage the amount of frustration in a person's voice in order to potentially keep them as a customer, then there's obviously flaws in the system already, and perhaps super crazy automated phone systems isn't a great customer service idea to begin with.
It's okay to have a sense of humour around here. It really is, despite what the mods think.
Oh shit, IHBT... damn... good one...
I tried to report dead birds to my state health department. They didn't care. They *so* didn't care. I don't think the functionary even looked up from her novel while she told me on the phone that they do not take reports of dead birds.
Now, I know from numerous public service announcements that, not only is the department supposed to take reports of dead birds, but I am required to make them. So I called the Federal CDC, to find out what was up. Naturally they directed me right back to the same State department that dismissed me earlier. I managed to complain my way up the ladder until I reached someone who at least could tell me *why* they don't take reports (legislature pulled their funding.)
So maybe West Nile Virus will break out in my area, and I will be able to go to DC with the names of the individuals who couldn't be bothered to take reports of dead birds...
-fb Everything not expressly forbidden is now mandatory.
The Buffy Swearing keyboard
http://www.rathergood.com/buffy/
Is for someone to modify this so that it works backwards. If you start cursing... BAM ... right back to the opening greeting. Forget all that stuff about transferring a pissed off client to a live person - I worked a call centre and I was a lot more helpful to people who were patient and not screaming into their phone.
MD
Presuambly *Transfer me to a human being you wanker of a machine!* won't work.
Worst
If only my computer could recognize love...
(auto attendant)Thank you for calling XYZ corp. For support, press
(customer) BARBARA STRIESAND!!!
(auto attendant) Transferring to an attendant. Thanks for calling XYZ Corp.
...to be the attendant on the receiving end of that queue.
Different languages and even some of the dialects have different tones encoded in them. And these tones from your mother tongue are often preserved when you speak non-native language.
For example, whatever is normal for a male Japanese speaker might be interpreted as rude and offensive by the system that is targeted at Americans.
Speakers of the tonal language such as Chinese and Vietnamese will be a total nightmare for this automatic system.
Do I miss something here?
Tigers respect lions, elephants and hippos. Maggots respect no one. (C) S. Dovlatov
AA: For billing inquiries, press or say one, now..
Cust: F*&k Piece of Sh1t! G0ddamn monkey muther f#$%KER!!
AA: I think you said "F*&k Piece of Sh1t! G0ddamn monkey muther f#$%KER!", if this is correct, press or say 'one' now....
Cust: F*&k Piece of Sh1t! G0ddamn monkey muther f#$%KER!
AA: I think you said "F*&k Piece of Sh1t! G0ddamn monkey muther f#$%KER!", if this is correct, press or say 'one now...
ad nauseum....
If this system becomes popular it will enforce "bad" social behaviour.
Want better or more expensive service? Swear your head off.
Want to be treated like an 7-digit number? Be polite.
The surprise isn't how often we make bad choices; the surprise is how seldom they defeat us.
Before, attendants would talk to nice/normal people from time to time. Now, only angry customers will get to be transfered to them.
Also, doesn't this strike you as a system that rewards (1) Aggressiveness, (2) Stupidity ? I mean, how dumb must you be to talk to a dumb machine? Reminds me of that Dilbert cartoon where the PHB enters his address book into his new PDA by speaking the names loudly.
It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.
At least a year ago I contacted Sprint PCS's phone support. I called about changing my automatic bill pay's credit card number and there were no options for that yet the dumb thing kept trying to "solve" my problem. I finaly yelled "give me a fucking live person" and the auto-lady replied with something like "I'm sorry please hold for an operator" and a person answered the phone.
OK, I'm going to ask you a few questions . . .
Please say the arival city:
"MCI"
Did you say, Miami . . Florida?
"NO"
Please say the arival city:
"Kansas City"
Did you say, Stolkholm, Sweeden?
"God Damit NO!" 0,#,0,*
Please say the arival city:
"KANSAS CITY"
Did you say, Miami . . Florida?
"FFFFUUUUCCCCKKK YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT, FUCK YOU, I'LL MISS MY GOD DAM FLIGHT I'M ALRADY LATE FOR" click.
p.s. Background noise affects voice recognition.
Do you call the company's support line before you buy their product?
Do you pay more $$$ to shop at companies that have smart, well-trained, live people on their phone lines?
If you want to buy stuff with high-touch support, you generally can. Just don't expect it to be as cheap as stuff with "screw-you automated phone support".
i called FedEx to track a package last week. i had to speak in the tracking number, which is about 30 digits long. needless to say, after the second time i spoke the number and the computer didn't understand it, i yelled "why are you SO FUCKING STUPID!!" 5 seconds later i was talking to a real person.
i guess sometimes it pays to have a short fuse.
Anger Powered Cars
Two weeks ago I made several calls to the automated Sears Appliance Repair system. I was trying desperately to cancel a service call I had requested. The first time I called I wandered through the maze of "Yes" and "Service Repair" and "Cancel" options only to be put on hold for 10 minutes and then be disconnected.
During the second call I lost my cool and started yelling at the damn thing. My wife came in and wondered what the hell I was doing. I was getting madder and madder. "YES!" "YES!" I SAID YES, DAMMIT!" When I finally got to the point of screaming "YES, BITCH!" the freaking thing said something to the effect of "You have selected 'Cancel' - Thank you" and hung up.
On the third call I was hotter than ever, but made sure I didn't call it a bitch.
FED-EX, on the other hand, immediately defaults to a live person on its system if it doesn't understand something. A much more gratifying experience.
My user name was a mistake. Input wasn't restricted, my bad.
Let me get this straight, you have to try to sound mad????
Man, who provides your support, I want them!!!
Ex: 3 minutes of blather and advertising before the menu, option you want isn't apparent so you spend 10 minutes jumping around and going through the blather and ads again, you finally seem to find where you mean to be and wait 20 minutes listening to elevator music which soulnds like it is played through a broken kazoo, you finally get a voice and either it's a recording telling you they are now closed (please call back during the hours you are at work and can't call them) or you do get a human who informs you that this is the wrong department and transfers you to another queue.
It's not all as bad as that, but if I were telekinetic there would be companies who would find their own equipment exploding in a shower of sparks and a few executives who would spontaneously fill their shorts (loudly) at the most inopportune times.
Hmm... Inspiration.
You hear a tinny voice say, "worst customer service, ever!"
A feeling of having made the same mistake before: Deja Foobar
Always give the option to speak to an Operator at the outset.
"this is company XYZ, if your call is some dumb ass thing that can be solved by presssing a bunch of numbers.... press them now! otherwise an operator will ask what you want..."
My experience though is that companies will use an automated system when they couldn't give a shit about you. i.e. they have had your money already and couldn't care less what you want to say.
The rule is.
if it's a call that could make money, set up a free, manned sales line.
if they have had that money, they must want something the company can't make anything on
customer queries etc, so stick them in the phone loop and let them deal with it.
User: Hi, we'll be calling tech support today, I'm having difficulty with my internet.
Operator: Dialing now, just a moment.
User: Thanks.
Operator: Automated menu, 1 for customer support, 2 for accounting, 3 for collections
User: SHIT! SHIT WHORE!
Operator: Sorry?
User: Say that. It'll transfer you faster.
Operator: If I say that, my boss will transfer me faster.
User: Seriously, just swear at it.
Operator: No.
User: C'mon, if you don't we'll both be on hold forever.
Operator: I'm not going to swear at it.
User: Say, what are you wearing?
Operator: What?!
User: That's the spirit, let's continue. Gimme a good 'ASSFACE BUTTLICKER' so we can get to a tech.
Operator: There's something wrong with you.
User: Are you making fun of me because I'm deaf?
Operator: What? No, not at all.
User: You are, aren't you?
Operator: No, I didn't mean it that way.
User: Like I don't get enough crap from everyone else, now I'm being mocked by a bloody TDD operator.
Operator: Sir, I didn't mean it that way, I swear.
User: I'll forgive you if you say "PIECE OF SHIT, HURRY UP"
Operator: Dammit, no, I'm not gonna.. oh, it's transferring me.
User: What did you say?
Operator: Nevermind.
- billn
All companies these days have only one person who actually knows anything. (except Radio Shack, who have zero.) The trick is to find that person.
When you get to the call centre, the person you are talking to is a just-off-the-boat Irish backpacker holding a battered copy of the 'how to re-install Windows' script.
Hurl abuse at this person. Ask for their supervisor.
The supervisor will then come of the line. Don't fall for this trick. They just hand the phone to their mate sitting next to them. Abuse this person as well.
Now you'll get the call centre supervisor. These people are scum. Be exceptionally creative in abusing these low-lifes.
You mave need to go thru a few layers. You know what to do.
Eventually you hear the magic words. Actually, a word. A persons name, as in 'Hold on Sir, I'll transfer you Mike'. Not 'the manager', not 'my supervisor', but 'Mike'.
Be nice, be very nice to this person.
They know things.
They know the answer to your problem.
Send them a crate of Scotch for fixing your problem.
(BTW, my name is not Mike!)
FIGHT ON!!!
He who controls the past, commands the future... He who controls the future conquers the past.
Real person answers phone:
"Hi, welcome to the San-Angelas Police Dept, if you would like to talk the automated answering system press 1."
and
"Fxxx"
BOOOONK
"John Spartan, you are fine 2 credits for violating the verbal profanity act."
JoeR
So now the people who act like jerks will be getting positive reinforcement, while those of us who try to be polite will have to deal with those annoying (poorly) automated systems? Who dreamed THAT up?
#DeleteChrome
An actual instance where dumbing things down for the American market actually improved the work.
the preceding comment is my own and in no way reflects the opinion of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
There is no need to detect anger, it is automatic. I'll bet there isn't a person on the planet that is happy when a machine answers the phone.
Why don't they just program the automated attendant to swear back?
caller:"Hey, Widget Corp, your product sucks!"
aa:"Please press 1 if you'd like to go to hell; 2 if you'd like me to insult your mother; 3 for caustic sarcasm; press 4 if you'd like to blow me; or just stay on the line and someone will tell you off."
I try very hard in my normal life to be calm, polite, and friendly, especially when dealing with technical support people who quite honestly aren't the ones at fault.
And now there is a device which will penalize me for being a polite person?
Am I the only one who LIKES automated phone systems?
I hate telephones, and I'm not a big fan of people either. Usually, I'm just calling to find some bit of information - an address, hours of operation, etc. The fewer real human beings I have to talk to, the better.
As for cursing at the automated system to get a human on the phone...I spend enough time cursing at machines as it is. Besides, what if the cursing has nothing to do with the phone call? "Honey, can you turn down the f*cking television!? I'm on the godd*mn pho...oh, hello?"
You don't have to be the person you've become.
Now it's all about Janet's tit.
the preceding comment is my own and in no way reflects the opinion of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
Would that be whitehouse.gov's White House or whitehouse.com's White House??
1. implement frustration management software
2. keep angry (high maintenance customers) happy
3. lose calm (low maintenance customers)
4. profit? (only if you run a monoploly)
In Soviet Russia automated attendant curses at you !!! and then tracks you down for re-education in gulag...
This sounds like a bad story about the effects of road rage.
That's "Mr. Soulless Automaton" to you, Bub.
This just seems to be encouraging people to cuss and swear and suffer from anxiety more than we did before... Will we all start being foul-mouthed people in general now, after associating it with being "truely" helpful to us?
And it's still my belief that nobody is allowed to curse at anyone.
1. It doesn't really help in the long run
2. You hurt someone's feelings
3. From personal experience, the people who are nice and polite get better service than the abusive people.
I can understand that sometimes it helps, but it never helped if people cursed at me.
If they do it to me on the street They'll be cursing their way to LIFE-SUPPORT!
This is the sig that says NI (again)
I would like to take this opportunity to request you to please spend the rest of the week responding to the rest of the /. dicks with no sense of humour. You have that special gift of getting to the point and having a good insult thrown in for good measure.
Stay tuned for new sig...
What you fail to realize is it's the meek who are the problem!
I mean, wouldn't it be best to have someone pissed off to vent on the machines, instead of on a real, live person with real, live emotions?
Unless they've factored in the risk and costs of sharp increases employee shooting sprees, and they still save money.
That's why i got out of the (phone company) call centre type job. Maybe i'm a sissy, but i couldn't handle it. 9 straight hours of insults and threats from callers, plus 9 straight hours of insults and threats from my supervisor because i couldn't bring myself to sell a bunch of stuff to someone who didn't need what they got jacked on to start with.
do() || do_not();
The Telewest telecommunications company (UK) doesn't need this system - they already have a better approach. You call customer services, explain that you've spent 2 months trying to terminate an account, get told that this has now happened, but that they are not willing to put this in writing. When pressed, they refer you to "Customer Services" which don't have a telephone number because they are not "customer facing." The customer is told that if they want anything other than to pay the same invoices already paid then they must write a letter in order that Telewest can more easily ignore the matter.
Do what Symantec did (still does?):
Charge for support! That's right, paying for techies or other operators to man the phone lines costs money. We can easily pass those onto the customer who needs them...after all, not everybody needs these services if you can do it yourself. Charging people a modest $2.95 a minute (or $29.95 flat fee!) to speak to somebody will assure an efficient and speedy customer...otherwise they can try the online support.
Secondly, do as Symantec did and make sure those online documents are nowhere in sight! Hide all information in an idiotic search system that returns 500,000 hits no matter what you search for! (including document ID#).
Outsource e-mail tech support to a third world nation in which nobdoy speaks English! Northwestern China (near Mongolia) works well for this.
And, lastly, make sure the second-tier support has a 3-5 day turnaround time (in business days, and don't be open on the weekend) for those nasty calls. And when you do get them, feed 'em cherries and give 'em right back to frontline support with a free ticket number!
I am pretty calm going through the menus. More often than not I have an unclear decision at some point and end up going down the wrong the part of the descision tree. The end result being that I end up talking to someone who says
"I support product X, you need to talk to someone else. Try path 4,5,6,1,2."
Most recently had this problem trying to get support for a Sony monitor bought from Dell. While thinking about which of the options was most appropriate the system auto forwarded me. I ended up talking to someone in laptop support. After 3 more tries through the Dell support tree always following the advice of whomever I talked to, I gave up. It took me another 3 tries through the Sony support tree. 1-800 gives me -> "You are in Canada, you need to phone there". Eventually I got someone who said "Phone Tony" and gave me his number.
Why can't they transfer me to the right point. That would save my frustration. Also more often than not the options given either don't exist or lead down the wrong path so I have to try again.
What is needed is a process where once you talk to someone you can be forwarded to the front of other queues. And that there are designated people to sort out lost souls who can't get to the right place.
For payment enquiries, please yell "F***"
For billing enquiries, please scream "S***"
For all other enquiries, please bellow "A**holes" and have a nice f***ing day.
Okay, now, how does this thing relate to the proliferation of pay-per-call tech support? If I curse loudly and long enough, do I get free tech support or do they charge me more because I'm going to be a pain to deal with? And why can't they build a system that detects that I'm calling about a bug in their software/hardware and shouldn't be charged for it? Or how about a system that detects the level of competence of the caller and charges more for dumb statements such as "Ohmygawd! It says 'Click OK to continue' What do I do?!?!?" The possibilities are limitless.
When you get into a VRU system, keep in mind that a human HAD to set the thing up, and always left a way for themselves to speak with a rep if needed (i.e. testing). So, when you get in, start pushing buttons, a lot of them, especially the * and #, as those will frequently be used for escape sequences. The default action for a majority of systems that do this is to immediately route you to an operator, an operator who has internal extensions. THen just act like you got a bit lost during the 4,3,6,1,8,9.... and ask politely for whatever dept you're trying to get, and ask for an extension in case you have to call back. Works roughly 85% of the time for me. :-D
"See, we plan ahead! That way, we never have to do anything now."
http://images.somethingawful.com/inserts/articlepi cs/photoshop/01-09-04-space/darthphunk1.jpg
Everyone seems to be thinking that if you get irate, then you jump ahead to the front of the line.
The true purpose is to ensure that everyone is happy and calm. If you get irate, you will be warned, asked to hang up and try again...and it will repeat until you can talk normally.
If you want to know how to properly navigate the voice recognition systems, here is a quick tip. Just like the olden days when if you hit '0' or did not hit anything, it would transfer you to the 'operator'...there are by passes on the new voice recognition systems. Most systems you can simply says 'operator' once or twice and away you go. If that doesnt work, try other things similar to it, like 'help', etc. Then you can curse at it or speak gibberish.
Note: This works perfect with sprint pcs:
Sprint- Thanks you for calling if you would like...
Me- Operator
Sprint- Let me get you an operator, but first I need some information....
Me- Operator
Sprint- Please hold while I transfer you to an opertator.
And vowala! Try it sometime! ^_^
snowulf.com
Wife: Did you call your ISP about why they've suspended your service?
Husband: I tried to call, baby, but I couldn't swear harshly or angrily enough...
Wife: Don't worry, hun, I'll tell the kids to call them in the morning.
...I am proof that intelligent beings are not always intelligent...
Will the general population continue to value "cheap" and "more" above all else? This will force companies to cut costs above all else. "Evil" corporations aren't successful for no reason at all.
I once heard a statistic that the profit margin from a PC was used up in one tech support call. That sounds a tad extreme, but I remember the tiny, tiny markup on computer parts from when I worked at a small family-owned computer store. When my mom worked at Koenig's Art Emporium, the manager refused to carry anything he couldn't mark up more than 40%. Aquarium stores average 50% (operation costs on livestock must be considered, but the markup is on everything). We probably would have killed for 20 in most cases. It was not uncommon to make only a few dollars on a hard drive. I suspect the situation has worsened rather than improved, and there were companies underselling us at the computer shows (usually with lesser warranties).
[Of course, being in a small shop, I was building/fixing systems while taking tech support calls, so that wasn't a big hit for us.]
WMBC freeform/independent online radio.
I once had to call SallieMae to figure out why my regular student loan payments had just suddenly increased after 4 straight years of steady decline. I dialed into their oh-so-thoughtfully designed voice mail monstrosity, and proceeded to get routed back and forth into SEVEN different voice mail sub-systems. Each time I was transferred, the new system would greet me with the classic lie, "Your call is important to us". After five minutes of trawling through this POS looking for a department that actually contained human inhabitants, I finally bellowed "HUMAN!!!!!" as loud as I could into the receiver.
Immediately, I heard a click, then lo and behold, a human voice said, "Thank you for calling SallieMae, how may I help you?"
I'm not tense. I'm just terribly, terribly, alert.
Cutting costs: That's what I meant by "to do that without having to hire a real person to answer FAQs?"
That's good advice... assuming the options lead you to a person eventually. However, more and more automated systems don't ever give you the option of speaking to a person. This is insanely annoying when you just want to ask a simple question that isn't one of the 10-20 that you are "allowed" to ask.
Good systems subdivide you, give you a list, then have an option to talk to someone if nothing they list is what you want. But for the other 75% of systems, it's good to know how to avoid the whole mess.
I had a nearly identical experience with AT&T Wireless a couple months back. While calling to report a stolen phone, I had to say "operator" about 4 or 5 times before the thing would give up and connect me to a live person. 20 minutes later, when the live person tried to pick up, my call got disconnected. I immediately called back and asked the computer to "connect me to a f*cking operator!" when it gave me the usual list of options. The computer's response was to give me some error message about my "inappropriate" answer and hang up instantly. After that I had no choice but to go through the "operator" response five more times and sit on hold for another 30 minutes.
If you have ATTWS service, just pray that you never have to call their customer "support" line.
If I programmed the system, I'd favor slightly annoyed callers over calm ones, and "accidentally" drop the annoyed and angry ones. Just try talking to the manager now, punk. We'll give you service when we feel like it.
---If you can't trust a nerd, who can you trust?
When do I get the system that transfers me to somebody who speaks English as a first language when it detects me getting frustrated with the outsourced tech support person I can barely understand, who needs me to spell basic words for them, and who gives me the wrong RMA number because they can't pronounce "four"?
I'm not angry or bitter, just frustrated.
For example, I tried to call yesterday to cancel old tivo service. Yes, auto-customer-support-system could figure out I wanted to cancel. It probably also could figure out how pissed off I was by low growling. But no, to cancel Tivo you only have to cancel from 8AM to 8PM PST and talk to live person. And if you happen to be able to call only AFTER 8PM none of that frustration-meter stuff will help you, as call center is closed, and while it's easy to sign up for new service ("just click here!" on their web site) there are 15 hoops to jump through to cancel ("sorry, for security reasons you have to speak to a live agent" riiiiight, signing up was security-less? and if you want to talk to a live person for any other reason your wait time is 84 (!!) minutes).
As companies save more and more money by cutting support staff all these improvements will go on unused, as only automatic support will be available.
Hyperom.com
Comment removed based on user account deletion
Now what we need is software that dials the phone and then automatically swears until a live person picks up.
All Companies who do not have a live operator reachable by dialing 0 should be fined.
It should be part of our telecommunication rights.
Yo Grark
Canadian Bred with American Buttering.
Canadian Bred with American Buttering
That's why you have a "product proficiency quotient"(tm). The customer answers a few relevant questions about the product and the problem that they're having. This (running tally)score gets stored in the customer profile. Each time the customer calls, the phone queue mgmt sowftare decides where to insert the call into the queue based on past calls and their ppq. Mr CCIE gets injected straight to the engineer(L3) queue, no L1 or L2 support at all. Mr "i can't print, and btw aol is slow" goes to L1, and gets the benefit of basic troubleshooting.
The key is that there is value to each support level, but requiring all users to go through every level every time is inefficient, i.e more expensive.
Too bad we can't curse our way to saving Hubble. {scowl}
http://alternatives.rzero.com/
My Bank used to have such a system, which would basically put you on in front of everyone else in the queue, if they the system recognized you being stressed ( I guess it was just the voice-level that counted).
I knew this, because a friend of mine did consulting in the same bank.
So whenever I called my bank, I would start to shout expletives at the waiting music and the "Please Hold"-announcement, the waiting music would change and I was able to do my banking, I just hope they never recorded me, shouting at their "Please Hold"-Woman.
I guess there is a Seinfeld-Episode hidden in there...
(click)
"FBI, are you aware of what you said?"
"Ah, I just wanted my DSL to work, and they said to wait three weeks."
"You threatened to blow the place. That's a violation of federal law."
"I was just upset."
"You know that Mr. Ashcroft will do anything to protect the assets of those who invest in the United States"
"But, why should I have to wait three weeks for service."
"Sloppy service does not give you the right to threaten American investors.."
whir of sirens...
This is my sig.
What I would like to see is a way to route my calls to someone who actually speaks English as a FIRST language.
Ron Gage - Westland, MI
Will tech support using this system thats been outsourced to India understand english curses?
This is my sig. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
This is the most worthless software I have ever heard of.
The purpose of the automated calling procedures is to save money, not to connect callers with tech support.
What Pointy Haired Boss would ever buy this? It's a waste of valuable capital (from the perspective of the almighty immediate dollar).
Narayanan's program parses speech by transforming it into electrical waveforms. "If you plot these waveforms given off by speech -- those wiggly things -- a high energy will give a greater amplitude, which affects the way the waves come out," Narayanan said.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't energy related to frequency and not amplitude.
Lambda=hv/E
[Clem the Worker and Barney the Bozo are accosted on the Funway. A hologram character is trying to take Clem away to security at the Hospitality Shelter.]
Artie Choke: Oh, *I* see, you're too frightened or tired to move! Well, just stand there, and I'll send Deputy Dan to come getcha!...
That album could have a big revival if the suits glom onto this as a bodycount-reducer.
I bought this house and you know I'm boss
Ain't no h'aint gonna run me off
I'm happy to know that when I'm going through a automated system, and I'm talking to the recording ("My call is very important to you? That's great to hear!"), someone is actually listening.
Why don't they just save the money on developing this application and hire more people to answer the calls?
Slashdot seems like it has a few intelligent people so why doesnt anyone here get the fact that companies dont give a shit what you think as long as they get your money. If they think it will get them more money they will do it. If it costs them money they will try to find a way to cut those costs or not do it at all. What is so hard to understand about this? Corporations are not people and they sure as hell dont have morals. Sure it sucks but dont ever expect it to change.
"At first, we thought it was just another snake cult."
We use a slightly less advanced version of this technology in our call centers. Its a few years old, but it can detect when a caller uses profanity, if not their tone of voice when they do so.
We use it in exactly the manner you have described- If a caller starts swearing at our of our agents, the call is immediately flagged and the entire transcript is reviewed by a supervisor. If a single agent has a history of causing customers (or potential customers) to swear, well, they won't be an agent very long. :)
It's a pretty neat system. The fact that we invested hudreds of thousands of dollars in it is a testament to our desire to provide better customer service, dispite what others may say about us. {sigh}
-Me
It seems like it would be SO much easier to simpley recognize that if a person pressed '0', that they wanted to talk to a person, rather than the menus.
/zip /blah /whatever number]"). My shouted response is usually "TO BETTER SERVE ME, *ANSWER MY **MN CALL!"
If I am in a good mood, I will often listen to one menu, and dial a choice. But generally if I start getting multiple layers of menus, I just hit 0 to try and escape.
The biggest thing that frustrates *ME*, is when I hit 0, and instead of getting an indication of being transferred to a person, either the recording just starts over, or it plays some sort of "BEEP, sorry, that option not recognized". Or even "Sorry, no attendant has been defined"
Some systems offer non-touchtone callers an option to 'speak' their responses, these could be setup to recognize words such as 'operator' and 'person', and do the same thing.
It just seems like it would be simpler, more effective, and less expensive, to set up the systems so that pople dont have any reason to get angry in the first place. The first place is making damn sure your system recognizes the fairly universal convention of '0 for operator'
Generally, places you call that don't, either dont *HAVE* any central operators, just a bunch of seperate departments each with little to no knowledge of the other and no ability to transfer, or they dont have any actual people anyway, they dont want to actuall let you through to talk to them.
Whats also amusing is that often, either at the start of a call, or possibly when you are transferred to the hold queue to wait for a person, often there will be a recorded announcement along the lines of "For training and QA purposes, this call may be monitored or recorded". I usually end up responding "But not necesarrilly ANSWERED".
Ditto on "To better serve you, please ("make a menu choice" or "enter your [account/ phone/ SSN
Now all we need is some slashcode to log off anyone who types in something resembling a troll or a flame. For example, say if someone types 'goatse.cx' or someth!~@($@!(#$*1029348..--NO CARRIER
Its funny, most ppl seem are asumeing the angry caller is xferd to live suport. the article just says angry callers are transferd. Perhaps they're transferd to an anger managament hotline, or an automated message on how to meditate, or and quick message "Were sorry, due to a shortage of robots, we've had to replace are technical suport staff with real people, your currentangr level excceds estasblished tolerence's, please call again." *click*
From haveing worked in a pc suport call center before, i've discoverd that some people are just angry, there were angry b4 they called, they'll be angry at you, and the be angry when your done no matter how the call went. this is perfect to detect those "customers" and simply ignorthem.
--The Titanic was built by proffesionals. --The Ark was built by Amatures.
Here's a true example from my life last week:
- Register.com has put a lock on my domain and will not change my WHOIS informatin and will not unlock it so I can move to a different registrar. My domain register fees are paid up until March of 2005.
- I call Register.com. They say they have no account data on me because I registered via a 3rd party. I have to call my hosting company.
- I call my hosting company. They attempt to make the changes through their partners channel with Register.com. Register.com refuses to change the information or to unlock the domain.
- I call Register.com again. They say they can't/won't help me and to email their partner channel email.
- I email the partner channel and they say I have to go through my hosting company to make those changes.
- I go back to my hosting company and provide them with the email from Register.com in a hope that they could use that as evidence to make Register.com do their damn job!
- Register.com refuses to make the change.
Is this the way to impress you customers? What good will cussing them out do if they don't give a damn whether they help you or not? No, this scheme will only work if the company in question actually cares about customer service. Most companies see customer service as a cost center.You must be talking about AT&T wireless. I had an incredibly bad experience with them - billing problems, absolutely incompetent customer service at best and infuriating at worst. I spent 6-8 hours on the phone with those bastards to resolve inappropriate charges, I've never dealt with an insurance company that bad! And if you buy your phone through the web those handy stores near you won't help you!
Fortunately all that happened in the first 30 days so I didn't get screwed on the early termination fee. Down with AT&T wireless.
__ No registration required to read this message. They did it in the Matrix.
Keep in mind that if calls are recorded "for quality assurance purposes," it's possible that some unscrupulous employees might have access to those recordings. I forsee a web site or two devoted to funny recordings of people having irate "conversations" with automated call centers. So if you're tempted to try beating this system, at least make sure CallerID is blocked first. :-)
Every
"Please enter your account number, followed by the pound key."
(presses numbers, then pound)
"You pressed.. 2.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 6.. 7.. 8.. 9.. 2.. if this is correct press Pound."
(presses pound)
Thank you. "For workorder status press 1.. For customer care issues press 2.. to pay a balance, press 3.. to order new service, press 4.. for billing questions press 5.."
(presses 5)
"..Please hold while we transfer you to customer care.."
It's just faster to hit 0, tell the customer rep your account number and get it taken care of.
It's better than wasting 5-20 minutes going through the "speaking for EFL" auto-drone voice, only to be put on hold for another 5-10 minutes waiting for the Help desk person. And they usually don't send you "to the right department." The damned phone system doesn't even report the billing number you painstakingly entered to the tech support person! They always ask for it again.
*2, customer care--say F-ck repeatedly and you get to an attendant instantly, otherwise you're in voice hell. Has been that way for a while... a sprint rant about swearing at Claire
and just have a real person answer the phone in the first place? Most people despise these automated systems, and therefore they do nothing more than escalate the situation. What ever happened to the days when you made a call and got to talk to an actual person? Maybe rather than spending a bunch of time and money developing silly technologies such as this, the time and money should be spent on hiring someone to answer the phone!!!
Squeaky wheel gets grease. Film at 11.
Sheesh.
Bowie J. Poag
When I call tech support that sounds like it's been outsourced (and I can often follow up and find out if my instincts are right) I am treated a lot better than the jerk out of school who thinks he knows everything about everything.
Maybe people wouldn't be so frustrated when they have to call support, if they knew that they wouldn't get some inconsiderate, smartassed, incompetent twit on the other end.
When I worked in a record retail store, we had a policy posted above the cashier that all sales were final. Well, the thing was, if a customer came in and got mad at the counter and wouldn't leave, the manager would refund their money to get them to go out.
I always felt this was shitty - aggressive, loud, selfish people got their money back while polite, friendly, non-confrontiational people didn't. I always thought everyone should be treated the same.
On the other hand, if we wanted to reward some people and not others, why then I felt it should be the other way around - tell the assholes to get lost - call security if necessary - and give money back to people who were polite and nice about it. Geez, it might even begin to instill some politeness in some people.
Then again, I've benefitted from this. At a local art store, they have a policy to give discounts to students. One day, the cashier asked someone in front of me if they were a student, when it came to my turn, I wasn't asked and forgot to provide my student card. When I remembered, just after having paid, the cashier refused. When I asked her to phone the manager, she did so and then turned to me with a very smug look and said she couldn't do it. I left, but was so angry (at her smugness at this point), I went back in and demanded to have the manager to tell me to my face that I didn't deserve the discount. This time I got it.
I guess it is just a case of "the squeaky wheel gets the oil". It is probably not good to encourage this, though.
Jeez! Have they outsourced the Speech & Interpretation Lab to India?
Semi-seriously, I had an episode with an outsourced customer service line where the "tech" on the other end of the line simply didn't recognize English cusswords when he heard 'em. So maybe "machine intelligence" would be an improvement.
"I'm velly solly, suh, but da louter don't have a fscking light. It have a ambah light."
"Obviously, I'm not an IBM computer any more than I'm an ashtray" (Bob Dylan)
well fucking shit and spank me wildly with a monkey. I damn near couldn't ever get any fucking god damn tech fucking support fucking before I fucking like hell will now. I fucking wonder if this fucking shit will fucking work during those damn fucking long as shit jackass board shithead meetings.
My procedure:
If it's a voice jail, I try to find the "if you know your party's extension..." part, and then hit 1234 or something. If that doesn't work I try another number. Once I get through to a random, real person, I then act as if I've got the wrong number and "would you please transfer me to the right department". Old social engineering tricks always work. Often times I end up with the supervisor of the support department I want to deal with, which is usually quite illuminating.
If it's one of those idiotic "language detection" menus (where they waste an hour telling you "If you want technical support, say "technical support") I scratch on the receiver microphone for about 20 seconds until the thing gives up and hands me to a real person. Then I try the above technique.
Most voice jails try very hard to keep you away from a real person (that's why we call 'em jails after all.) But with a little ingenuity you can bust through the bars every time.
What we call folk wisdom is often no more than a kind of expedient stupidity.-Edward Abbey
Given that the vast majority of customer support calls are outsourced to other countries, does this mean that we have to learn how to swear in Hindi or Pakistani?
Swell. Great. Now we can all learn to curse like sailors on shore leave whenever we're on an automatic answering system. Apparantly the rude customers are more important than the polite ones. Let's reward incivility, shall we?
As if live support wasn't already rare enough.
Who's going to want to work as a customer support rep after this?
SUPPORT: Hello, you've reached XYZ, how can I help you?
CUSTOMER: FUCK OFF AND DIE YOU STUPID CUNT! EAT MY SHIT!
SUPPORT: Excuse me?!
CUSOMTER: What? Oh.. oh geeze, sorry.. I thought you were a machine.
That Jesus Christ guy is getting some terrible lag... it took him 3 days to respawn! -NJ CoolBreeze
So maybe West Nile Virus will break out in my area, and I will be able to go to DC with the names of the individuals who couldn't be bothered to take reports of dead birds...
This is totally unfair. As you explained, they do not have the funds to take reports of dead birds. You make it sound like it is the staffer's job to take the report, when in fact it is not. Staffers in government rarely get straightforward reasoning for what they are doing, which is why the staffer simply told you that they do not take reports.
*why* they don't take reports (legislature pulled their funding.)
Those are the names you can go to DC with: the names of your elected officials.
This system will appreciated by certain people from Glasgow
If I seem short sighted, it is because I stand on the shoulders of midgets
Should I start cussing out those Indian tech support people who are always maddeningly polite while offering no real support?
Don't bother answering; I already do it and it doesn't work =(
...the operator who those calls are transfered to.
This brings an interesting concept of "matching" callers and operators. If you match the more impatient callers with operators who are able to handle those situations well and not get flustered, I'd imagine there would be less turnover. In addition, these positions could pay higher.
Tiering customer support skill would definitely be more efficient and benefit both company and customer, in my opinion.
--Ben
"There are no such things as mutual fantasies. Yours bore us and ours offend you."
- Bill Maher
I used to have a very lengthy voicemail message (about 2 minutes and 50 seconds). It explained, in detail, every single last question someone could want answered. If they did have some other question it was likely that they didn't belong calling my department or they were confused but there was still an option to leave a voicemail and I would return the call... Using this method I had limited myself to 5 or less voicemails a day since July 2003 (I would receive anywhere between 80 and 100 calls a day)...
Now. Just last week I had to remove this message and shorten it to under a minute because some asshole complained that he did not want to wait that long for the message (and he wasn't bright enough to try * or # which nearly all voicemail systems respond to to skip the message). I was first asked to put the disclaimer that you can skip the message w/the * key... Whoever thought that up was a moron. You NEVER tell someone how to skip it or the point of the voicemail message is moot.
Phone trees are apparently never checked thoroughly. They need to be tested 100s of times by different people to make sure that no matter what a call is routed to the right place. My voicemail message was corrected 5 or 6 times to make sure that it was working 100% and that no questions would be left unanswered.
Amazingly enough no one was happy except me.
Sad world we live in.
Not that a tech support job is any good to begin with, but it sounds like this system will gaurantee that the ONLY people you speak with are really pissed-off.
When I was doing tech support, I was told that whenever a customer swore at me, I was to reply, "Sir (or Ma'am), please call back when you can control your language," and hang up. Boy, angry people get REALLY mad when you call them "Sir (or Ma'am)"!
On stereophonic equipment, the monaural sound obtained through multiple channels will enhance your listening pleasure.
Hey, why limit yourself to the "humorous" aspects of Tourette Syndrome (note the lack of possessive, you dyslexic fuckwit.)
y .h tm
Scenario - person different from self calls helpdesk. Hijinks ensue:
Cerebral Palsy: "MMMmmuuughghg ghghghanllggh"
Black: "Now whea dat button fo' watermelon 'n' chitlins?"
Slashdot dork (nasally voice caused by the crushing weight of coke-bottle glasses): "I've certainly learned that you're a whiny cunt."
Oh yes. This is such highbrow humor. ANYONE who is offended MUST be humor impaired.
http://www.tsa-usa.org/about_tsa/images/notfunn
Just go into Captain Haddock mode.
Try, oh say
"You odd-toed ungulates and two-timing tartar twisters, you coelacanths! I have no touch tone phone you vegetarian macrocephalic baboons! You Bashi-Bazouks! tell the dictatorial duck billed diplodocus that employs you that ten thousand terrifying turtles could not keep me as your customer."
Or something like that.
However, I don't see that swearing at an automated answering program makes you a jerk. I swear at my computer all the time. If companies want to give obnoxiously irate people preferential treatment, then those people will be their customers, while the docile masses migrate to where they can stand in a queue without 'cutters' being allowed.
Eat at Joe's.
I've seen several suggestions along the lines of "route the moderately angry callers to immediate support, but disconnect the super-angry ones and tell them to call back when they've calmed down," or the like. Here's my idea for what to do with the super-angry ones who are cursing up a storm: have a Real Person pick up the line right when they're in the middle of a stream of profanity. The Real Person can act all offended and get rid of the person without any damage to the company's image -- nobody's obliged to stay on the line with a prank caller, after all.
My deviantArt site
What state are we talking about here? If it's one that's close to the Canadian border I might be interested in writing this up as a story. I can be reached at rross AT thestar DOT com.
Just cursing won't do you any good. According to the article:
>Narayanan's program parses speech by transforming it into electrical waveforms. "If you plot these waveforms given off by speech -- those wiggly things -- a high energy will give a greater amplitude, which affects the way the waves come out," Narayanan said.
>The angrier the caller becomes, the greater the energy that will be apparent in the wave pattern. Once the wave pattern hits the level the computer is programmed to recognize as the frustration cutoff point, the caller will immediately be transferred to the operator.
So, just saying fuck 4325 times won't get you anywhere, but screaming your head off might.
... somethin else to make fscking sweawing more fscking prevelante.
Fsck spell chack and preview.
-Coach
"Never upset a goalie, getting hit with a blocker is an unpleasent experience - facemask or not." -Me
An automated system that doesn't make me enter my phone number, just to forward me to an actual person who asks me for my phone number again and then forward me to a different person who asks me my phone number yet again before I actually get any help.
Just have to share this hilarious article, which kind of fits the theme:
CLICK HERE TO READ
"I was getting 107 miles to the gallon when I T-boned that bus."
*** once i really listened, the noise just went away. -liz phair
I finally bellowed "HUMAN!!!!!" as loud as I could into the receiver.
This is /. You can tell us the truth. You know you yelled only because you're an Angry Mick . . . ; )
I think DirecTV is great, but my experience yesterday was awful. Let me give the rundown.
1) Get my DirecTV bill, and I'm not credited with $10 as I should have been.
2) Call DirecTV. On 1st menu, select choice for existing customer.
3) Enter my phone number (so they can figure out my account). Read my phone number back to me-- y'know, 'cause I always mistype it. Press "1" to continue.
4) Enter my account number-- what? So they can confirm my account.
5) They read my street address. Press "1" to confirm. So I've now given them a unique identifier, and confirmed that I entered it correctly 3 times!!!
6) Long-winded spiel about checking my balance. Gimme a friggin' break. How many people call up DirecTV to check their account balance. 1 out of 1000? Finally select choice for other option.'
7) Next menu has no option that apply. Press "0" to talk to real person.
8) Wait on hold 5-10 minutes with no estimate of wait time.
9) Person with difficult to understand Indian accent picks up the phone. Asks for my phone number. Twice. (I've now confirmed my unique identifier 5 times).
10) Asks for my name to verify the acocunt (6 times confirming ID)
11) Explain the problem. Claims his system is down and I have to wait 2-3 minutes. Finally credits my account.
Total time, about 20 minutes. I honestly think DirecTV does this on purpose, along with many other companies. I can't remember the last time I was underbilled, but I've been overbilled by DirecTV, Verizon, Verizon Wireless, Covad, Earthlink and Adelphia probably close to 20 times in the lst 2.5 years. They know it's a PITA to resolve these things, so they hope we'll eventually give up.
Next time I call DirecTV, I'm pretending I'm a new customer.
" Will the general population continue to value "cheap" and "more" above all else? "
The cost of production is not related to the cost of the item, nor does it ensure any special level of support.
Take a look at Microsoft. You pay $300 for XP Pro, and do you realize you get almost no support? Further, what you pay for Windows XP is not at all related to the cost of development or production of XP; its simply an number that MS came up with that is designed to maximize revenue?
Lets use a slightly less unique example.... Cellular Phone Service. The cost you pay for access to the network is related to what the market will bear; the $40-70 you pay doesn't pay for network access its simply the number the cell phone company judges you'll pay.
Whether or not you get good support is related to how much money the company is willing to spend on customer support. But don't be silly and start thinking that if we paid more for our products we'd get better support.
This will only work well for Comcast if it detects swearing after the call is terminated:
Auto System: Attempting to connect your call.
Auto System: Please wait.
Auto System: Please wait.
Auto System: Please wait.
Auto System: All operators are currently busy. Please call back. Good bye.
FUCK!
Back when I was working phone support, I used to delight in telling those assholes that they needed to format their hard drives. A system like this would have greatly improved my job satisfaction and performance numbers, since every call would have been an FFR (Fdisk-Format-Reinstall.) Not gonna bust my ass if the customer's a dick...
I'm trying to teach myself to set people on fire with my mind... Is it hot in here?
meh when my customers (tech support) start getting swear-riffic with me i offer to transfer them to the dialtone que
Shouldn't the need for this tell companies that real people want to talk other real people when they use the phone?
When our automated phone directory service looks up a number, it automatically offers to connect you, saying "Please say 'yes' or 'no'". "Ass" and "hole" work just as well, tho, and provide a certain amount of satisfaction....
Oh, a sarcasm detector. That's a REAL useful invention!
One problem is that people are becoming more passive-aggressive and non-confrontational. Part of the whole corporate customer-support business model is based around making it as inconvenient as possible to seek help. Gone are the days when a support 800 number was available, much less obvious.
Admittedly, people are getting dumber and have shorter attention spans than ever, and the new customer support business model exploits that by making it very difficult to get help. Customers are treated with apathy and disrespect from the moment they make contact nowadays.
The only way to fight back is to FIGHT BACK.
I hate to say it, but every time I've not censored my opinion on an issue, I get things resolved.
Here are some suggestions:
1. Always ask for the person's name you're speaking with - immediately. This puts them on the defensive and makes them behave a little better.
2. In most cases, you should NEVER deal with tier-one support. Immediately ask to be "escalated" - the first tiers are morons whose main job is to make you feel guilty you called in the first place and get you off the line ASAP.
3. Still having problems? Contact the PRESIDENT of the company or the highest accessible executive. You will be AMAZED how quickly you can get a problem resolved. A friend of mine had a billing problem with a local ISP/telco. He sat outside the president's office -- until he came out and was forced to field my friend's issue. The President assigned a special assistant to my friend to deal with the problem and made it go away fast. I'm sure the President said to his assistant, "Do whatever you have to do, but I don't want to see these people again." - and it worked!
I also like to remind them that hell hath no fury like a pissed off customer, that you'll write letters, put up a web page, or other things. In the past, I got a $17,000 settlement against a company after I put up a web page addressing the problems I had. While some companies don't give a damn, others do, and in several circumstances I've made it clear that if they don't resolve my problem, I'll shout about it from the rooftops and it'll cost them a thousand times my loss in bad PR for them.
Speaking of problems, I recently got ripped off from a company called Big Impressions out of Arkansas. I highly recommend you avoid these sleazebags.
"Hi, Dell Tech Support? Yeah, I work at the Hoover Dam"
<BLEEEP> 'Transferring now'
I *FUCKING* wonder if this will give me a *GODDAMNED* good mod. HM I hope *SHIT* this works -FSCKing FUCKTARD ASSHOLE
its too bad that i don't know what language to swear in to get my appropriate help tho...
Actually, that was funnier than the parent!!
customers start using the anger detection to get a rep because no one really likes talking to a machine, i can relate. so now, in an effort to keep your service on track, you add a few more people to handle the increased call volume because more people are getting to talk with a person... fair enough.
so, my question is, why not hire more support staff and simplify your menu options to "for sales and billing press 1, for all other requests press 2"? i mean you're going to be pushing more calls to staff anyway, why not get more staff and give the customer what they want?
scott king
As if being a call center employee wasn't bad enough, now you are guaranteed that EVERY person you talk to will be completely pissed off. Sign me up.
> This is totally unfair. As you explained, they do not have the funds to take reports of dead birds.
Wow, they cannot afford a pen or two and a single sheet of paper per 20 (or so) calls? Talk about underfunded. OR, just maybe, they are too fucking lazy to do any work -- they are government workers -- and blame it on whatever is handy.
"It'll be like the Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing! We'll live like kings! Damn hell ass kings!"
"There is no time, sir, at which ties do not matter," Jeeves, (Jeeves and the Impending Doom)
Actually, you could have a nice little web support system that let you take a test and get an access code that starts you out with a certain PPQ - say, you go straight to L2 support - and then you upgraded/downgraded as appropriate.
"Socialization is f***ing hard. Let's go f***ing shopping."
Has anyone else noticed that the companies with the absolute worst telephone support are telecommunication companies?
Forget thrust, drag, lift and weight. Airplanes fly because of money.
use the Howard Dean ROAR over and over !!!
So, exactly what does the word "sprint" mean on your planet, sunshine?
This is an absolute waste of resources. First let's automate call traffic and deter individuals from calling--we'll call spin it as a system answering frequently asked questions. Then after a decade of drilling this abstraction down to the point it takes five minutes just to reach your desire--live customer support--one now discover's their threshold of tolerance.
Unfortunately, this is the wrong time to discover such depths. The result soon becomes a common behavior now legally accountable--verbal assault.
What a complete misuse of technology, but have no fear, we will invest in time and research to determine the threshold (stress/strain failure graph) of when enough is enough and return you to an actual human being. We cannot guarantee on the level of competency this individual possesses in answering your concerns, but at least it's no longer a machine, right? Sure, we could invest in customer training and give these poor saps more technical skills but that has been determined to cost less, short-term, that this new wonderful technology.
How about the kind professor applies his experience to actually working with improving telecommunication devices or wireless signal capturing devices?
The reason people are pissed off is they had to wait five minutes just to hear an idiot recite from a canned script and since they now feel used like an old tampon they want to flush the frustration on the nearest recipient--customer support rep. john/jane doe.
The result of the anger switchbox:
..., and I will discourage any friend that calls about a potential computer purchase from ever getting an HP product.
This system is like trading fresh fruit for rotting vegetables. Instead of letting everyone get the same treatement, unhappy callers are going to get preferencial treatment, allowing tech support to receive only unhappy calls when their is a significant call volume. Everyone else will have to wait until they are irate. I think this is just what you do not want as a business owner, make everyone unhappy instead of dealing with things as they are.
The result of off-shore outsourcing of tech support:
Indian tech support can be so annoying that I have wanted to jump into my phone and wring the neck of the tech worker helping me out with my support problems. It is frustrating, I had a pretty complicated hardware / Windows XP conflict with a new PC and called Compaq tech support only to get a very Indian programmer that talked with a heavy accent, such that I could not understand him and he could barely understand me. I picked his brain for 30-45 minutes before I wanted to kill him and asked for his supervisor, only to get an Indian woman who couldn't understand a word I was saying, let alone my support issue or issue with the other caller, and I have a regular Southern California accent and we both spoke English. Needless to say I think that off-shore outsourcing of tech support is a bad idea when you are a) selling expensive and complicated products b) want to get repeat customers c) care about the quality of service your existing customers will receive. Needless to say I will never buy a Compaq / HP computer, recommend my company buy a HP product / Server/ et
Conclusion:
It is already frustrating enough when you go through the voice menu system for a company and key in your card number / account number, confirm oyu are the account holder and provide vital information. Then when you wait on hold for 5 minutes you get an Indian tech support that asks for your account information and how you can solve your problem and have to figure out how to communicate your problem. The whole idea of tech support as an expensive annoyance to companies with billions in revenue & executives riding around in private jets and they cannot afford to keep their customers happy with support is just baffling.
- Kill Yourself, spare us all! -
that customers have a right to be pissed off.
I don't see why companies think that they can fuck up and then expect the customer they fucked over to kiss their ass in order to get the company to take responsibility.
If a customer is pissed off, deal with it. I had angry people call tech support and instead of being an asshole I addressed their problem and *shock of shocks* they got nice.
"Geez, it might even begin to instill some politeness in some people."
People tend to be polite until you piss them off. Then they have every right to display their disgust with you. If you don't like it, don't piss them off. It's not very hard to quote company policy (which you should know) in order to convince people you can't help them with their particular problem. The problem with many employees who piss people off is that they don't know they policies and so the pissed off customer has no reason to believe that the employee isn't just being an ass who refuses to do something the customer is fully aware they are capable of doing and are required to do by store policy.
Forcing companies to deal with pissed off customers might instill some sense in the company to hire people who can actually do their job and uphold promises and other nutty things.
Dotster's automated system decided to throw a canned answer to my billing question which didn't even remotely address the question and then they claimed the issue was resolved. I sent them a very strongly worded e-mail telling them the problem was not resolved, that I was not legally responsible to pay the amount because the Capital One employee was an idiot and didn't cancel the card when I told her to (for all legal purposes the card was canceled) and told them to cancel the charge and that I was going to pay the amount on another card.
Instead of being idiots and whining about me not sending them flowers they did what I told them to do and they maintain free advertising on my site (something another registrar requested and I refused) and even though I could pay less, I'm sticking with Dotster. Simply because they dealt intelligently with my situation.
They understood I had a right to be annoyed, wasn't requesting anything absurd and simply did what I asked.
More companies need to figure that out. Companies that fuck up and try to make me kiss their ass permanently lose a customer for life. And I activly tell people not to use their services.
Ben
Work Safe Porn
ok lets all call sco & SCREEM TO GET AN OPERA.... wait this is still in devlopment.....SHIT DAMN I HATE YOU DARL!!!!!!!
Cool Linux
A Linux News Site
georgewbushlicksbigcocks@yahoo.com
jimrobinsonlicksbigcocks@yahoo.com
anncoulterlicksbigcocks@anncoulter.org
mattdrudgelicksbigcocks@drudgereport.com
...
Sieg Heil Bush!
Dell has the worst phone system I've ever been cursed to use. To simply order a new battery for a laptop involved about 7 transfers and was just a complete pain in the ass. I try to avoid doing business with them, both their phone and web systems suck. Too much extraneous information, having to enter your machine serial just to download a driver. Sure, that's nice if you are inexperienced. But having to run back and look at a server just to get a driver for a NIC that you already know the model number of and intended platform is just an unneeded pain in the ass.
Wouldn't it be cheaper just to use real people?
-n-
..clearly has no idea how the business world works. There is no way in hell this technology will be implemented widely.
Why? Because it is a deliberate policy of companies to annoy you, it helps them get what they want. Want to open a new account, it will take 3 minutes max. Want to close an account? Prepare to wait half an hour and be transferred through 3 different departments. The whole idea is to make you annoyed so much that you give up.
This game is played in different ways by 90% of the service companies out there, most of these companies survive on the margin created by this bullying tactic. Why the hell would they want to make customers lives easier?
I'm not kidding.
That sounds pretty misinformed. Have you ever filled out a financial aid application? The most important part of it is your family income, not your savings. Though if you have a great deal of assets saved for college they will expect you to use them, the actual EFC (expected family contribution) is calculated mostly from your adjusted gross income on your tax return. So what that has to do with a consumer culture, I have no idea.
I wanted to return a lot of PCS phones that were bad (no analog). I worked for an IV pharmacy that delivered to peoples homes, many of them in very rural areas of Missouri, Illinois & Iowa. So having analog work on all of our phones was extremely important to us.
I had already delt with Sprints runaround (No, I do NOT have 3 frickin' weeks to get my phones replaced!) so I decided to call Samsung. No matter what option I pressed I could not get to a real live person. In disgust, I eventually gave up after an hour solid of messing with it. The next morning I called investor relations (which had already closed when I made my earlier call) and asked to speak to the president. Lo and behold, a half hour later he did call me back.
"You do know that no matter what option you press you can't get to a real live person?" CEO: "No, there should be an option..." Me:"Let's try it!" I punched another line, dialed the number and let him have at it. He couldn't get to a real live person either. You could hear him suppressing his desire to cuss. He appologized & then said "I've never had to use the phone system, when I want to get ahold of someone I have my assistant place the call and connect me when they get through..." Must be nice.
After explaining what our business did -- I had my half dozen crates of replacement phones in less than 6 hours from the time that call ended and they were already activated for me. All of them worked flawlessly as well.
If you can't get to billing, try investor relations for getting a real live person.
Freedom is merely privilege extended unless enjoyed by one and all.
With initial tryouts scheduled to take place at Parris Island, SC., right?
"what exactly is it that you DO here" -- the bobs
/.
sounds like job security to me
i hope your boss doesn't read
1. Business pov: Adequately handled calls unchanged, inadequately handled calls improved.
2. Psychological pov: Natural inborn get attention mechanism is handled by satisfying its needs - its given attention.
3. Ivory tower/Slashdot pov: Squeeeky wheel gets greased, and us long quiet suffering types gets nada.
One of my profs, Eric Fosler Lussier, worked on this kind of research while he was at Bell labs. The objective of the research is not to screw people over with automated phone systems, but rather to help the automated phone system do a better job. Usually when people talk to automated systems, they act in a fairly calm manner. If a person starts to get angry, there is a high probability that the automated system is repeatedly misinterpretting what they are saying. In this case, it is handy to be able to detect this anger and back off from certain conclusions the system may have drawn. If things get really bad, it may decide it is lost and transfer you.
I work at a small company which offers a customer support line. Our president has recently suggested recording an extension that, when a customer begins to use profanity/abusive language, states that, 'Here at XYZ company, we do not appreciate such language. Please respect our Customer Service Representatives and use appropriate language. Thank you!" Then transfers them back to the call queue.
We later decided that it would only infuriate the customer more, but what a great way to get to get a little revenge in the 'smile while speaking' world.
So the idea is to make customers happy by getting them so pissed at the automated system that they actually start swearing at a lifeless machine and then and only then will they finally get to talk to a help desk that now only answers calls from people who are +/- a few degrees from snap-I've-gone-insane?
I don't know if I feel more sorry for the customers or the people answering the phones.
I probably shouldn't be giving out my secret to getting past the endless menus since if we all start doing it, it may go away but here it is. Just press 0. That's it. Anytime you get a choice of anything like "Press 1 for automated balance, blah blah blah", just press 0 instead. They seem to leave this undocumented option open as a last resort. In my experience 9 times out of 10 you get directed to a real live person, and although it is usually a secretary you can get him/her to transfer you to whoever you want. Plus your service level may be upgraded because you are being transfered from an inside line instead of being "just another call from the pool". Works with banks, power companies, cable companies, you name it.
And if 0 doesn't work then just start entering a bunch of crap. Usually if you cause an error, they will assume you are too dumb to use the automated system and give you a person. Example, "Please enter your social security number." So you type "7#887893274289*2173897###8712634". There you go. Please use sparingly. We want the 0 to be available for us and for our children.
-Comedian
Practice for next year's "talk like a pirate day"
ARRR, we be geting tech suhPAAAAAAAAAAAARt matey. AHOY YE SCURVY DOGS!!!!!
Shrikanth Narayanan was at Bell Labs too, for close to seven years I think. Perhaps they knew each other then.
I graduated from USC last year and a took a couple of Narayanan's classes...very interesting...and the man's driven!
Do people reading Wired really need waveforms explained to them as "wiggly things"?? Are they really that dumb? :)
except for the fact that in the long run, hiring more people to man the lines costs more.
All the justifiably frustrated and unemployed IT geeks left high and dry by outsourcing and the dotcom crash can now be re-integrated into productive society, putting their finely-honed profanity skills to good use as phone service facilitators. I see this as the start of a new golden age, personally.
I might like this system. If I'm fed up enough to call support, I usually get hold music and my blowing-off-steam reaction is always something like "Jesus Fucking Christ" (and being a pagan, it isn't blasphemy to me, just societally ingrained :). Maybe I'll start getting faster support.
Not exactly a good way to encourage polite behavior, but I'll take it.
Your wait time is.... thirty....five.... minutes...
I hate this #$%* Service!!!
Agressive Level detecting, confirmed, level 8. Initiating Kenny G's Greatest Hits, Loop = 2
30% off web hosting. Coupon code "SLASHDOT".
I am so going to rip you b**** off that your scank of a s*** girl is going to (bleeP) on her (bleep) and then (bleepin) (bleep) (bleepoid).
....click....
Booga ya dooga mig na toot!
Tech: "How may I help you?"
Me: "Where's the ANY key?"
Tech: (Booya dubba hooba eagh!)
Vote monkeys into Congress. They are cheaper and more trustworthy.
At the bottom of the image produced by following your (fixed) link, there is an address:
42-40 Bell Boulevard
Is there a Tourette joke in there as well?
Mom says my
Re: TSA Link
HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA..oh god..that is great..I just spewed sierra mist out my nose. I think I'll print this on a T-Shirt.
So instead of:
Computer: To ensure your call is answered as soon as possible, please enter your customer reference number.
(enter number, then wait in queue for 10 minutes)
Human: Hi welcome to blah. Before we get started can I get your customer reference number.
you'll get
Computer: To ensure your call is answered as soon as possible, please swear your head off.
You: BLOODY MACHINES!
(then wait in queue for 10 minutes)
Human: Hi welcome to blah. Before we get started can I ask you how frustrated you're feeling?
I might just have to try this out.
I know that starting off nuts, and then calming down has helped me deal with incorrect bills before, I figure that by the time I am reasonable again, they are just more willing to just give in to my demands.
Hmmm, they might even be able to use such information to route the callers to particular employee's, i.e. Angry man gets routed to sexy southern drawl, man then calms down.
Cursing (there's a scientific word for this -- corpra-something, but I'm too lazy to go look it up) is actually only a tic in a significant minority of people with Tourettes syndrome. It usually manifests with both physical and verbal tics, but the verbal tics are 'bad words' in only about 40% of people with Tourettes.
Actually, that's the official word. What I find, personally, is that about 90% of my verbal tics are *not* cursing -- I tend to announce that objects are blue and then order them to go home (note, I didn't say it made *sense*) or make strange noises (of which 'rark' is one), but every so often I get a several minute stream of 'fuck' or 'fuck you'.
Go fig. Tourettes is strange, but the cursing is only a small part of it experienced by some but not the majority of people with tourettes.