Slashdot Mirror
The Onion in 2056
agonist writes "Has anyone seen The Onion in 2056? I accidentally ran across it after clicking on one of the hyperlinks in my weekly Onion email." It's been awhile since we link The Onion. Always good for numerous laughs.
← Back to Stories (view on slashdot.org)
if that's what awaits me in 2056, I'll think I'll stay here thanks
There are places where the networks are not touching,and there are places where they are-Boeing's Lori Gunter
How is this kind of 'news' posting any better than reading forwarded emails from other nerds?
..no headlines on how Slashdot is now solely responsible for generating tech revenue?
Ban Engadget - moderators censor comments!
The Onion is my Wendesday morning coffee break reading. . . and you slashdotted it. That's just plain old wrong.
You better watch out, there may be dogs about . .
But why do people think that 50 years from now is going to be so significantly different from now? The Middle East is now a peaceful group of countries? Hovercars? Actors are now mutants and considered attractive?
50 years from now it's going to be pretty much like it is now with a few more conveniences, but we aren't going to see a wholesale change in the world as is frequently supposed by so-called futurists.
For a site 50 years in the future, it sure does load slow. Good to see some things won't change. On second thought, maybe it takes some time to pipe that data in the past 50 years...
Ever wonder what Slashdot will look like in 2056? My guess is that it will look pretty much like it does today. In fact, given the increase in the number of reposts, it will probably look exactly like it does today :)
So, I love going to a site like this in FF and getting 10,000 Active X Errors... Such a nice user experience.
If we're still using PHP and Flash in 2056 I'm going to be very disappointed.
That is part of the page's joke; that is the future: web pages riddled with popups, ActiveX errors, and other glitches. Totally unlike what we have now. Oh wait....
Don't blame Durga. I voted for Centauri.
In 50 years I plan to take my news in some sort of pill form. All the benifits of an RSS feed with a fruit(possibly onion) aftertaste.
You make fun of France once and your Karma is never the same...
I hit the link and saw a veritible wallpaper of Flash click-to-play icons. I laughed for a moment, and then realized that *wasn't* the joke.
Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
it is been a while since we link the website
i are commander taco i do english good
as it's dirt slow amd uses flash, which I haven't installed.
Best Slashdot Co
Two articles on Batman and an a fake article about the future. I want to read about how Microsoft suxors and how Linux rules.
Ooo man the floppy drive is broken. No wait. The computer is just upside down.
It's been awhile since we link The Onion.
As in: Those bastards haven't been Slashdotted in a while, hey lets do it now.
its called humour...
They are still making crappy Flash site in HTML 4.01 Transitional in 2056? Well that's still better than the HTML 3.2 of Slashdot in 2187.
If Microsoft was mass, stupidity would be gravity.
Remove the spyware on your machine ;)
I think they need to upgrade their TiFi connection. It could be a lot faster, if those time cops did not restrict bandwidth in the name of "safety". Too much chroniton particle contentration, and next thing you know it's velociraptors popping up in your shower.
Don't blame Durga. I voted for Centauri.
These Onion people will never gain credibility as a news organisation if they cannot do more credible forecasting. Perhaps they should recruit that Dvorak gentleman.
(Above irony aside, if you read one of the Onion books, they have an issue from 2000, post election. The have a humorous forecast of the what the Bush presidency will bring which is eerily prophetic - "atleast one Desert Storm sized war", recessione etc.)
${YEAR+1} is going to be the year of Linux on the desktop!
"It's been awhile since we link The Onion."
Someone set up up the bomb!
Crushing my karma one post at a time.
It's been awhile since we link The Onion.
The Onion's ad revenue love you long time.
50 years in the future we are still tortured by bad flash design?!?!
6 6bd9a6e7c4f/index.html
mirror -
http://mirrordot.org/stories/148d3c0453571e33c8fe
In the future, you will not be able to go outside without Flash-enabled glasses. All of the road signs, billboards, books, and even pavement markings will be in Flash. You just won't see a thing unless you pay for properly licensed flash-specs.
Don't blame Durga. I voted for Centauri.
You're saying that you got to a page on The Onion by clicking a link in a email from The Onion? Incrediable!
Coder's Stone: The programming language quick ref for iPad
Since I'm running Debian and Flash is not installed I was refreshing the page for like 5 minutes (while reading slashdot in the other tab) before I realized that the top of the page was simply made out of interlaced flash animations which would not load. I had to scroll down 3/4 of the page to actually see anything remotely readable.
So let me guess - in 50 years everyone will be having a T3 line or some fiberoptic monstrocity so people wont even bother with HTML and make pages entirely in flash? You know - so that you can't adblock or greasemonkey out the advertisments? Yeah, right...
On the other hand, with the way things are going now it's not so far fetched as it might sound. By that I of course mean the abandonment of HTML for something flash like - not the T3 in every house. Imagine this this - in 50 years we will have to watch a full screen, un-skipable comercial in order to get to slashdot - and then another one to read the comments. That's what I call progress!
I'm teminally incoherent
One story they missed, though, is that even in 2056, some slashdot geeks still don't have a sense of humor.
Fer chrissakes... so it's in Flash... turn off flashblocker for 5 friggin' minutes and read some of the stories... they're quite good.
You'd think that by 2056, we'd have come up with a real name for ununhexium :)
51 years or technological advances and you can still kill a website.
I can literally hear my computer huffing and puffing to keep up with this page, because the temperature-controlled fan turned on as they rendered.
...had me coughing up my fribble.
i was going to point out that it's a humor site, but i'm just happy you didn't say one of these 1. yeah, but can it run linux? 2. in soviet russia onion links you! 3. profit!
Or, better yet, make that 2006.
Modern copyright is theft of culture from everyone and it retards the progress of the useful arts and sciences.
Go easy on him, guys. I read in the Onion that Dancin Santa doesn't learn the concept of satire until 2033.
Modern copyright is theft of culture from everyone and it retards the progress of the useful arts and sciences.
"This will be the year of the Linux breakthrough on the desktop"
Looks like all the preaching from the web standards advocates has done no good... 50 years later and still using html 4.01 transitional with a table based layout, and 60 validation errors.
Ahhh, I remember the good old days of...
:(
"Russian Scientists aboard Mir conduct experiment on effects of terror in space."
and
"Area man confused by buffet procedure."
Sure a little politics is humorous, and the American Civil War (Bush/Gore 2000) and Holy Fucking Shit: America at War was really really great. But now every single time it's: "Bush is an idiot, hee hee, Iraq whatever, blah blah blah." Yeah, we get it already.
Haven't read it in over a year... just died out of my rotation naturally...
"Semi-People" Magazine features "50 Hottest Mutant Bachelors"... ...classic.
Those wacky humanoids.
I might know what I'm talkin' about, but then again, this is Slashdot...
Is the fact that the entire page is done in seperate tiny Flash boxes supposed to be some kind of joke about the way web pages will appear in the future? I nearly had a heart attack when the page came up.
You gotta find first gear in your giant robot car
... a good idea, ruined by poor implementation.
I was reading that!
32. Defendant slashdot.org is an far-right wing Internet news website that posts libelous and defamatory content and is used by Open Source Community members to anonymously post hate speech, death threats, threats to murder and promotes and advocates acts of domestic terrorism within the United States. The address and location of defendants is believed to be within the State of California, but is unknown at the present time.
Source: merkeylaw.com
you'd think the million robot march would have had 1,048,576 robots, not 1,000,000
"We are not tolerant people. We prefer drastically effective solutions"
http://www.rollingstone.com/news/story/_/id/720363 3/
"Duke Nukem Forever Release Imminent"
.
They will never know the simple pleasure of a monkey knife fight
Vi still better than emacs.
The absolute best parts of the Onion are the columns by Anchower, Kornfeld, et al., the Infographic, The Onion Presents, and the What Do You Think?
That and the mini headlines at the left. Last week's was the best: Plan To Trap Boyfriend Aborted.
That's pisser.
You better watch out, there may be dogs about . .
It's all f'in flash. If it's not homestarrunner.com, it need not be flash.
-- Liberalism is a mental disorder.
I came into work this morning, and though, "Hey, its been a while since I looked at the Onion." I cruised on over, and took a look, and man...It was running slow. I got to thinking, the page is acting like it has been slashdotted.... And sure enough, here is the article.
Have you looked around lately at all? I mean, I know you're probably trolling, but...
In the 50s, children were kicked outside a lot of the time to kind of wander around. They bounced balls and such.
Now children sit all day in a darkened room watching a flashing box that has messages on it from people in Sri Lanka about how much they don't like the American president. Pornography is *everywhere*. They won't sell you paint under 18 because you might huff it up your nose or vandalize something.
Adults walk down the street talking apparently to themselves, but actually to their stockbrokers or their mistresses. You can wire money anytime, anywhere, and you almost never use cash. Men and women work side by side. Women can walk around in only bras and underwear. Black men and white women date. You can buy a trip into space. Everything's made of plastic. The microwave oven exists. You can buy illegal drugs on almost any street corner.
Gays are getting married, we're working on technology to actually grow new human organs, you can fly anywhere in the world in about a day, teenagers are having webcam sex with people thousands of miles away *constantly*....
In 1954, this would have seemed like some strange nightmare scenario. I like the world today, it suits me, but to think the people of 1954 would consider it "pretty much the same" just because human nature is the same is ridiculous. Humanity hasn't changed, but humans have far more power and freedom now to do whatever the fuck they like. In fifty years, the extent to which technology lets human nature run wild is going to be mind-bending.
It's not unreasonable to suppose that if you lose an eye in 2056, you'll just hop over the the hospital and get a new one seeded. Any people in 1954 or earlier would have boggled by the idea. Now it seems reasonable, and by the time we get there, it will be humdrum. People then will suppose that their time isn't all that different from ours... despite the thousands of robot slaves, the cloning, the nanotech desktop fabrication, and whatever else happens.
Jabberjaw held for questioning. Film at 11.
They must be running a quantum webserver - one way to beat the /. effect, post stories 50 years early, by the time anyone needs to read it, there is a torrent available, a coral cache, and 250 karma-whores pasting the content/mirror on the posts :-)
:-)
Preemtpive slashdot cacheing?
On the front of the actual article, I laughed, the use of flash actually gave is a 2002 look, but lets pretend it was futuristic!
My fav by a hair was:
Menstruation cured!
At last...
#hostfile 0.0.0.0 primidi.com 0.0.0.0 www.primidi.com 0.0.0.0 radio.weblogs.com
I thought it was hilarious. Nice break for middle of the week.
Obligatory list of mirrors of my favorite techy Onion article:
t s.htm
n es.html
a th=5_12&products_id=80
http://home.att.net/~jbcole/humor/Microsoft_paten
http://www.ece.villanova.edu/~thanneru/zeroesAndO
http://www.gleitsmann.com/Frame3x3long.htm
And here's a link for a shirt:
http://subscribe.theonion.com/product_info.php?cP
OK, so you don't get the joke. BUT. Aside from that, you are quite simply wrong. Look at 1955 compared to today. Try taking someone from 1955 and explaining to them what the internet is. Email? TV was new an emerging technology then. GPS. The cold war, the Vietnam war, the farce going on in Iraq right now. The Berlin Wall, HIV and AIDS, breast implants, lasic eye surgery, reality TV, Starbucks, cellphones.... It would all seem like ... well, an edition of the Onion to them.
Now think of 1950 compared to 1900.
A lot can happen in 50 years. Things that we probably wouldn't even understand now.
My beliefs do not require that you agree with them.
It's been awhile since we link The Onion.
Perhaps that word simply doesn't mean what I think it means.
the best (or IMHO the only remaining good) part of the Onion, is the column by one Lloyd Schumner Sr., Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer.
sure I'll have a sig.
Reassuring its readers that they won't have to work to stay just as shallowly infotained as the drone next door, _The Onion_ continues the tradition pioneered by websites like Slashdot of intriguing headlines, backed by worthless articles no one reads anyway. "What we lack in depth, we make up in shallowness", said FS Zweibel v2, clone of the newzine's founder, and CEO.
--
make install -not war
Someone teach CmdrTaco grammar. PLEASE.
42. Much of the activities of Linux and OSS have served to create a funneling system allowing sensitive and advanced technology created by computer technology companies in the United States to be illegally exported out of the United States and into the hands of the citizens of other countries.
43. As a result of these activities, a large portion of US technology has been unwittingly placed into the hands of various groups around the world, including Al-Queda, and other groups who sponsor international terrorism.
44. As a result of these activities, a large portion of US technology has been unwittingly placed into the hands of various groups around the world, including radical governments and groups who sponsor and have used the technology in support of the creation of weapons of mass murder and mass destruction designed to murder American Citizens and their families.
Way over engineered site, obvously designed for the CEO of the Onion, not for the average user. Even on a 600 kbs ethernet it takes forever to download and I can't even scroll down the page once it does. I can't imagine how slow it would be on an older computer or phone line modem. Get with reality Mr. Onion Web Designer.
Given that the text was funny. Rumsfeld, Texas, haha.
Why so much freakin flash? Sheeesh! I can't read a dang thang on that page! All I see is a bunch of little f's. (No I don't want to turn off flash blocking!)
Since when has /. been far right wing? I seem to recall reading a number of posts by people who make Chairman Mao look like Pat Robertson. There are people with all kinds of beliefs here, but if anything I would suspect that the overall balance is slightly to the left. I do agree on the libelous and defamatory content, but that is what brings us here. It would be pretty boring without the flamefests.
... I think for me I stopped reading when I started bumping into their 'premium only' search results. For years they were part of my 'conversation', where I'd send links to classic articles as a joke (or, as the world began to actually mirror the Onion, a rebuttal). Once I couldn't fwd links from their past anymore, once they weren't part of the joke, I guess I didn't find them as useful.
Could be a function of the older stuff being better than the newer stuff, but since I haven't been reading that frequently in the past two or so years, I couldn't rightly judge.
Amusing Befuddlement Of Rotund, Utility-Grade Human
I watch it every week.
The eternal struggle of good vs. evil begins within one's self.
"We need a fourth law of Robotics: Stop Fingering My Wife"
Classic.
"We need a fourth law of Robotics: Stop Fingering My Wife"
...for stress-testing Firefox. I'm going to submit it to their bugzilla. I would work on it myself, except I already have an open source project.
Umm... is it just me or is the whole idea of HTTP 1.0/1.1 in 2056 seem kind of ass backwards? I would at least think there is some new protocol by then...
Shouldn't I be using something like FireDragon or PlasmaFox to view a website if the web is still even in use then?
Back to you, Brent.
Why do they hate America?
An excellent post, but instead of "thousands of robot slaves" you should have said "thousands of robot sex slaves". Believe it. It will happen and the mainstream culture will see it as completely normal.
Now if they could only make it in the form of a suppository!
aaaand...whee!
It's a suppository!
I am so smart!
I am so smart!
S-M-R-T!
I mean S-M-A-R-T!
I respect their satirical style, but their coverage of September 11 and the Tsunami were so offensive, I find it difficult to go to their page now-a-days.
Duke Nukem Forever delayed until 2061
50 years from now it's going to be pretty much like it is now with a few more conveniences, but we aren't going to see a wholesale change in the world as is frequently supposed by so-called futurists.
This is so true. I'm always amazed that Hollywood shows wildly advanced futures in only 50 to 100 years (Blade Runner is set in 2050?).
The world in 2070 is going to look pretty much the same as it does now. Same trees, same roads, same houses, same crappy suburban mini-malls, same crappy 7-11 Quick Rip Stores.
It is important to think now about what actually will be different in 2070. There will be far less casual driving of motor vehicles. There will be much less personal identity with countries and much more identity with individuals in distant parts of the world. Much more tribal identity that transcends national identity. All the specialized advanced programmers of certain chip in the world have more in common with each other than they do with their neighbors, even though they are of completely different cultures, religions, races, and nationalities.
There will be a major split between the people who believe in a religion and the secularists, regardless of the religion. The Believers will claim that the Secularists less than civilized humans because they have no religious beliefs and the Secularists will claim that the religious experience is simply a bio-chemical reaction in the brain that occurs in some people but not others, like the ability to curl the tongue.
There will be many more people around. The population will shift northward to deal with global warming.
Slashdot readers in particular will probably enjoy the Horoscope. It uses the New Revised Standard Zodiac agreed on at WorldCon 2025.
Now theonion.com won't load! Thanks for slashdotting it! Now what do I read on the internet???
First of all, I'd like to thank you all for the early wake-up call this morning. :)
;)
The reason that the site was running rather slowly through the first hour or two of the slashdotting was that we were pegged at 100mbps through our load balancer. It appears as though we've got about five mbps of slack in the line now, so the site should be performing better than it was previously.
I suppose that this is the reason that companies such as Akamai exist.
Any time they quote a price, it's given in Yuan - which is not a bad bet. :-)
The era of a dollar-dominated world is ending.
"The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern." - Lord Acton
Final Installment of Frogger Trilogy Poised to Sweep Oscars
ROFLMAO
Good one!
google harder. :P
That's why I listen to Garrison Keillor on Saturday nights. As for the Onion, I did get kind of turned off when they started charging for their archive, but they already had in-your-face-annoying adverts by that time. This futurist one is kind of entertaining, though.
well except for that fact that its not funny at all. The daily show is funny. They take the news and give a nice slant to it. 50% news 50% funny. I honestly dont get the onion. Ive personally never liked it. Why would you want to read completly made up news?
t ype=oddlyEnoughNews
Life is funny enough without making up completly impossible news stories. Reuters oddly enough is plenty funny and those stories actually happen
http://today.reuters.co.uk/news/newsChannel.aspx?
yeah this is a COMMENT because i dont find the onion funny at all. im sure some people do, i just cant for the life of me see why completly made up fake news articles should be funny. its obviously not true.
I'll just use my special getting high powers one more time...
SEATTLE--Seattle Mayor Frances Bean Cobain-Osment issued a call for the emergency deforestation of the Pacific Northwest Monday. "Please, major logging companies, I beg you, send any spare sawmilling, pulping, or chipping equipment you have as soon as possible," said Cobain-Osment, invisible within the branches and overgrowth on the steps of City Hall. "We cannot fight off the encroaching trees and spotted owls any longer." The mayor's message concluded with a spirited condemnation of 2001's controversial Healthy Forests Initiative.
For one thing, while it is true that Seattle, Portland, Vancouver BC, and San Francisco will secede and form Ecotopia (which is why the rest of the USA will be defenseless to the Middle East (related Onion story), since we have most of the military assets), she won't be elected mayor.
To be elected Mayor in Seattle you have to be comfortable wearing plaid, and I'm afraid her mother spoiled her too much on that account, so Guchi doesn't work here.
Unless she hires an Aura Consultant and redoes her colors.
-- Tigger warning: This post may contain tiggers! --
If you read the ads, you might notice some things never change:
* 5X Faster Dial-Up- only $7.95/month
* Get 12 CDs for the price of 1 - from BMG!
Which leads me to think that the Onion is perfectly well aware of the issue...
I stole this sig from someone cleverer than me.
if you never leave or house, interact with other people or read the news.
most people have known a jim anchower or two in their lives. The "Leather clad nomads of australia" is from mad max and that ridiculous guy in skimpy leather underwear.
-
Nvidia to announce GeForce Xtreme ZX9900 GT Quadruple SLI with a closed of 100 Ghz and 20 GB of memory on board for each card. ATI to finally release official working drivers for linux.
I especially liked them including Pierson's Puppeteer in the language menu...
Comment removed based on user account deletion
I suggested this to them (as a companion piece to The Onion in History) like two years ago, but am I seeing any royalty checks? Noooooo...
Hopefully they've have progressed to a better user interface. This one is old and clunky. No DHTML collapsable threads, no AJAX, no web service exposure...
In 2056:
* Duke Nukem Released
Get your Unix fortune now!
...and missing out on some hysterical geek content.
"We Need A Fourth Law Of Robotics: Stop Fingering My Wife"
Dear Slashdot: next time you want to mess with the site, add a rich-text editor for comments.