Slashdot Mirror
Do Programming Languages Affect Your Sexual Performance?
bLanark
asks: "I've used a variety of programming languanges over the years, but recently started using Java commercially (as opposed to just playing at home). As soon as I was on that Java project, I became a rampant stallion, never left my wife alone, sexually. She even started sleeping in the spare room just to get some rest on some nights! Soon, I was back on C++ (due to a budget cut and re-org). I am no longer a stallion (I won't go into more details!). My theory is that java's so easy, so after conquering an API a day (JDOM, Swing,...) I just came home and carried on conquering. Now, I have to work for a living again, and it doesn't leave much energy. Do other slashdotters have similar experience? Is lisp tantric? Do assembler programmers favour wham-bam-that's-the-end-of-that-non-maskable-inter rupt-where's-the-remote-control-honey-can-you-get- me-a-beer? What's the best programming language for attracting sexual partners? What about Operating Systems? Does MS == S&M?" Does C/C++ dampen your love life? Does Perl please your partner? Can you jive with Java? Inquiring minds want to know.
This is almost as original as fm.NET... !
APRIL FOOLS!!!
my input/output operators occasionally ;)
I hate April Fools Day.
Well, in some circles PHP stands for "Push Harder, Please!"
april fools!!!!! ;)
it makes sense though
How was the solar eclipse story an attempt? It looked serious to me.
After the toliet bit, now this... I was starting to wonder wheter it was just a *very* slow news day.
(Check the date.)
Entrepreneur : (noun), French for "unemployed"
Perl makes you hung like a camel.
/. today?
How many more of these idiotic April 1 jokes do we need to wade through?
Would it make sense to simply forego
Asking what operating systems you can use to attract a sexual partner is like asking which overalls you should wear on a date to get you laid. One is just not condusive to the other.
I'm a loner Dottie, a Rebel.
I hate to tell you this, but I have a bad feeling that the stories we are going to see that are absolutely wretched or dizzyingly stupid are all real submissions over the past month or so. I'm pretty sure they did this a year or two ago. It kinda almost makes you pity them for having to wade through the submission box.
--
Evan
"$30 for the One True Ring. $10 each additional ring!" -- JRR "Bob" Tolkien
I just wanted to say that I am the first to reply and this was just hilarious. ROTFL!!!
"Does MS == S&M?" Does C/C++ dampen your love live? Does Perl please your partner? Can you jive with Java? Inquiring minds want to know."
This should have been an "IT's funny.... laugh." But, all in all... pretty good for a Sunday night post!
Good programmers don't have sex. End of story.
And yeah, man, i do have a girlfriend. Woot, woot.
God bless java!!!
FP makes you a stud
Juggs
Ass
Vagina
Ass
Pretty much the plot of any porno!
Ursula Andress, Catherine Deneuve, and Charo, twice...
Not all of us are on the east coast.. d'oh! :)
- reid
I personally like socket programming...
I thought April Fool's jokes were supposed to be funny?!
If you find that your sexual prowess is affected by what programming language you use maybe you need to spend less time at the computer and more time with your wife or girlfriend.
THere may come a point in your life when you are impotent without programming a small packet server.
----- 70% of all statistics are completely made up.
I hope to god that they can blame this horrid crop of swill on submissions. I would pity them if this was made up by the editors. It would be a sorry fucking statement on humor.
One word describes this story. Java may be a better language but why the fuck should this be posted. K, April fools day, well the only fool is Cliff who posted the article.
This should have been marked as Funny. Its more appropriate that way.
-Restil
Play with my webcams and lights here
Sig: What Happened To The Censorware Project (censorware.org)
And I've got 38911 BASIC BYTES FREE. And I'm always READY if you know what I mean!
LOAD"$",8
Oooohhhh yeah baby, access that floppy, make it hard!
READY.
POKE THIS,THAT
Hmmmmm yeah!!! Oh yeah!!!
READY.
Hey, it's after midday where I live. You can't try and trick me into thinking someone would ask such a stupid question. Although compared to the rest of slashdot, it's not really that stupid. :)
Mod me up, baby!
I wonder how many Slashdot readers found themselves wishing this was more than just an April Fool's joke...
Toilet-"humor", sex-"humor", what's next? How much lower can slashdot sink?
I find the best thing to get in "stallion" mode is to have some sort of sucess with the computer. Could be programming, could be getting DSL or cable to finally work, could be even just getting X to work for the first time. Getting the computer to do something you only sort of belived it would do at all is the best love drug I've found. (also, coming home and saying "guess what I did today, honey" gets you lots of 'big strong man (or woman)' points, too :)
Narrative
Here is a better question:
Do programming languages affect the mating habits of elk?
What's that? Is it something to with girls? Eeeww!
Reliable, Great Value Hosting: $7.95/mo 2.4G/120G
We make smalltalk and Smaltalk makes us.
MSBPodcast.com The opinions expressed here are my own. If you don't like 'em... Think up your own stuff.
One of my friend bought my gf socks with PENGUINS on them because she thought it would spice up our sex life...
She wears them all the time, and we have a lot of sex, so I guess it works!
http://chrismetcalf.net
Well, after a long day at tongue++ I like to come home and give her my Perl...
(leave me alone, I'm tired...)
Just because I AM paranoid doesn't mean they're NOT out to get me.
"ELIZA puts out!"
... In BASIC:
10 FOR 0 TO 15,1
20 SUB SLIDE_FIST_UP
30 SUB SLIDE_FIST_DOWN
40 ENDFOR
50 ECHO "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...."
60 EXIT
As soon as I installed Win XP, I started chronically masturbating. Man, it just doesn't stop. I wore out my right hand and now my left is turning red. One that hand's through, I don't know what I'm gonna do. Switch to Linux I guess. Anyone else with the same problem?
Man my floor's crusty...
Don't Bogart the fish sticks
Everyone knows that lingo hax0rs are the l337est and s3xiest hax0rs around. (Lingo is the native tripe in director/shockwave).
you're asking slashdot readers about their sex life? *chuckles*
sig - .
its w00t, not woot, or wOOt, but w00t, with zeros.... man you must have a girl friend to not know that ;)
The last thing I need is to hear about the sex lives of a bunch of nerds.
Didn't have any problems with my sex life being affected by my programming until, while in college, I learned about recursion. Everything went fine until the bed ran out of stack space and it all fell over.
I figured it was a pointer problem, and it took a while to get it all worked out, but now it's kinda fun.
Everything went fine till my junior year and I started in on concurrent processing. Now I can't tell if it's a hardware limitation that's keeping me from performing more than 4 operations simultaneously, or if it's a problem with the OS...
Most likely that problem is in my firmware. Probably something is flashing my firmware and causing me to reboot.
Maybe during grad school we'll learn about distributed computing....Then I'll need a bigger bed! But I hear it's hard to keep all the process communication under control, because the ports are so busy....
If Java makes you a stallion...and C++ lowers your sexual prowlness.... then Assembly makes you impotent. :)
I began progamming with Java, after a long term commitment with C++. When I returned to C++, my sex life became very bad; no more nookie at all! Therefore I continued with Java, but found myself masturbating constantly. The more Java I did, the more I jerked off! Finnaly, I returned to C++, renewing my commitment with great vigor, and my faithfulness paid off, as the sex I am having now (with someone other then myself) is great!
I said to her, sweety - I feel like im less of a man. I do not understand programing. I can not write Perl even. She told me it was okay... she still loved me anyways
The ultimate network admin tool needs HELP!
Most geeks don't have a love life. Besides, this is an absolutely idiotic April fool's joke. That Qt thing was great, tho.
Dear Slashdot,
I have been a loyal reader and poster for four years. I have enjoyed slashdot greatly.
In light of this story, however, please cancel my fucking account.
-Peter
Worst.... April Fools Joke... EVER!
Of the "bend over and take it from Bill Gates" variety. After that, of course, one doesn't have a lot of appetite for anything else.
... she wanna Perl Necklace ...
Anybody want a peanut?
you should be, you hippie
Isn't than an oxymoron?
For those of us on the west coast it is still another 54 minutes to go. . . .
:)
Time to start checking the east coast sites though.
Need help treating your acne? Come here!
Fuck me... I've seen pathetic shit come from this website but this has got to be the worst fucking "article" that I've ever seen...
This is not an april fools joke, april fools jokes are supposed to be *FUNNY*. This isn't funny, it's fucking pathetic.
Nothing is in the wrong section on April Fools' Day, fool.
YHBF. YHL. HANAFD.
XML is like violence. If it doesn't solve the problem, use more.
only brings.
ASP
Average Sexual Performance
.NET
.Never Enough Titties
...but spending too much time working in VisualBasic seems to make me BSOD more often. Sometimes I can't even get it to boot up!
;) )
;-)
(Sorry, couldn't resist...
DennyK
i have been studying the effects of websites i visit with my sexual performance. i have found that visiting playboy.com all day at work makes me a "stallion" in the bed. cnn.com, on the other hand, turns me into a 3.5" floppy... :-(
Do Programming Languages Affect Your Sexual Performance?
I don't know why I bother reading slashdot on April fool's day... Most of this drivel isn't really that funny. I'm making a commitment to skip reading for the rest of the day. Who's with me?
Feeling masochstic? Try the Brainfuck language. It's every bit as good as it sounds.
You're assuming that people here actually have sex.... with another human being!
my baby shouts Haskell! Haskell! Haskell!... but my name is Mike...
mstyne: real name, no gimmicks
hmmmmm, the linux-gay conspiracy trolls will have a field day with this. I can just imagine what they'll say about RMS's love of "open" systems and they reduction of "backdoors" and the sort.
Photos.
It's the same date the world over for only one hour per day. Are you going to make them wait until it's midnight at the International Date Line?
Last semster, when I was in a C programming class, I tried to sleep with the teacher for extra credit. To my dismay, I found it difficult to sustain an erection. This semester I'm in a java class, and when I slept with this teacher, she gave the whole class A's just because of how "studly" I was.
chicks dig long pointers...nuff said
"Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos!"
With a little luck I can get loaded and fulfil my commands ANYWHERE! My Girlfriend doesn't like all this objectification, she wants a functional relationship, but I tell her everyone is doing it now.
She's really just insecure because she knows my last girlfriend was into BSD. I've tried to give her some pointers on her bad memory and tell her thats just not the garbage she should be collecting.
It's not about extensibility -- it's about functionality.
"You're never ready, just less unprepared."
... the cross-platform compatibility. Java lets you do it anywhere. =)
...oOOo..'(_)'..oOOo...
I've been learning Haskell for my Computer Science degree (it's a purely functional language).
Having no looping structures (other than recursion) and embedded IFs has transferred to my sex life.
I get in fast, achieve my goal, and get the hell out...
It went something like this:
:) Sorry if I screwed it up. :)
/her/* ; do touch "$i" ; done
"The thing I want to see most is for Larry Wall to give Bill Gates a perl necklace."
Laugh! It's supposed to be funny.
I'd like to leave you with this: for i in
The Moo went "Cow!"
Someone had to say it.
There's nothing you have that they can't take away: Absolute zero, Gentle Jack, bottom line.
Fortunately the Java sandbox makes the sex API's perfectly safe. It explicitly blocks execution of the getPregnant() method of the Woman class which is a definite plus. It's this sort of well thought out architecture that really puts Java light years ahead of Microsoft's initatives, despite Microsoft's long history of screwing people.
This sig has been temporarily disconnected or is no longer in service
Typesafe, so once you get it to compile you can rest assured that you won't run into any of those dreaded "type" errors once you start "executing code". Unlike other languages where its quite possible that you won't find out that she's a he until runtime...
Maybe it had something to do with the fact that my C teacher was a guy...
she keeps asking me why I want to free my null pointer in the sex routine.
The Moo went "Cow!"
... but I know she likes my Python.
I gueth if you're of the homothexual perthuathion you use lisp?
my fav language and it geth two thnap up!
at least there wasn't the usual "hard drive", "ram" and "joystick" puns.
Perhaps a direct correlation can be made between speed of compiled code and sex life. Maybe after Java you need some sp33d/action to liven up your life. Perhaps C++ is such a harsh mistress that you can't handle anymore.
Myself, I'd like to test that theory with any available test subjects. Please, it's for Science.
internet like monkeys'
I started using Perl and my cock grew 3 inches! It's true!
sex is probably updatedb; locate blonde; talk; date; cd; strip; look; touch; finger; unzip; uptime; gawk; apt-get install condom; mount; fsck; gasp; more; yes; yes; yes; more; umount; apt-get remove --purge condom; make clean; sleep
While y'all are fooling around with java...
I went the original root. I've been playing with self.
J/K. We al know that functional language users are so well hung that sometimes they have to use a lisp.
but stuff that matters?
Black holes are where god divided by zero
That damn sand gets everywhere! Ouch!
do it on the bare er.. metal :)
Since when do /. care about sexual performance, considering they're all hopeless virgins
There hasn't been a Katz article discussing the tremendous social impact of April fool's day on the future of the Internet culture. He could help us better understand how April Fool's day is little more than a convenient excuse by a misunderstanding society to play jokes on downtrodden young geeks.
Remember it can always get worse if Katz hasn't posted that day...
My girlfriend appreciates a good TCL every now and then...
i take it you program in C
--rock me like a huricane? NO rock you
If you're going to be like that about it, there's always going to be some portion of the world where it's not April 1st. As soon as the last section moves out of March 31st, so other section of the world will be beginning April 1st. So I say that, when it's midnight April 1st on the East Coast, let the shit fly!
python is named after the british comedy series 'monty python'. i was watching an interview with one of the original monty-python guys (yeah, i should know his name) and he admitted to the interviewer that when they used 'python' they were kind of tounge-in-cheek making a reference to the one-eyed trouser python.
Here's the general breakdown for how languages affect sexual performance:
BASIC - Slow, but good for beginners.
COBOL - Tends to make you rigid.
FORTRAN - Almost nobody does it.
ASSEMBLY - Too short, and too fast for most people.
JAVA - It will cause your Object to be extended.
C - Sometimes you just wanna do it for the helluvit.
C# - Dont worry, it'll clear up in a few weeks.
Korn Shell - Quick and dirty.
Perl - Allows you to do it any way you want, anywhere, anytime!
Cheers,
Bowie J. Poag
I'm awful at programming.. and I constantly will have problems with any program I compile. In fact, 90% of the time.. programs I finish and compile will end up crashing (seg faulting) most of the time. I wasn't born to be a programmer.. but anyway, I guess this explains my failure to ever get ass.
Cheers
"The ones who dont do anything are always the ones who try to pull you down" -- Henry Rollins
Ever since I've started using Flash I have had the urge to buy a trechcoat and run throught the park.
Anyone else here use Rexx? The Restructured Extended Executor? Try it for comparison.
Just don't use Pascal. You will not be able to do half the things you want to.
Okay, got that out of my system I'll let other people prattle on about 5 1/4 in floppys and the like.
And IT industry leaders, the media and politicians wonder why women often don't like to go into IT because of the "immature teenage male behaviour". What I can't believe is that this got past the editors (though I'm sure a lot of people will say "Hey this is Slashdot"). I grew up as a tomboy, most of my friends are male engineers, physicists, CS students and anime fans, I have teenage brothers. I *know* what guys talk about and usually I don't care. They often do it in front of me, but as I said, usually I don't care. but there is a time and place for everything and all this shows is a total lack of taste and crassness, especially since most PC magazines recommend Slashdot as *the* source for geek news, unless of course you are *trying* to offend females. It's one thing for "Anonymous Coward" to post something like this, but editors are supposed to have a measure of editorial responsibility ie. they are supposed to filter out the sexist, racist, immature crap. Heck I wouldn't even fault the editors if this was a non-famous website that the media never mentions, but slashdot is supposed to be kindof respectable and a source of news.
Then again, maybe we should expect the slashdot editors to have sex on the mind, since "slash" is the term used to describe m/m fanfiction written by females of shows like XFiles, Startrek etc. And "slash" was popular way before this site was conceived, which leads to some interesting questions...I wonder if someone is trying to tell us something with their choice of names for this site?
Very good comment.
I have experienced something similar... when I use any M$ software, I could only have one girl.. after I changed to an open source OS, I been able to have more than 1.. This is great..
infix is for MFM
gimme some prefix lovin anyday!
InterTrust Disputes Microsoft Ownership of Important Trusted Computing Technologies.
InterTrust press release announcing "action to assume ownership of key Microsoft operating system patent claims."
At issue are Microsoft's two Digital Rights Management Operating System patents, discussed in this previous article. The patents are viewable here and here. Microsoft's idea of "trusted computing" is to secure the computer against the owner. If we're lucky this will get tied up in the courts for years.
The press release may be two months old, but I haven't seen it mentioned on slashdot. Instead we get these stupid April fools day articles and this gets rejected.
-
- - You can't take something off the Internet! That's like trying to take pee out of a swimming pool.
My boyfriend likes objects, but I told him if that was his orientation, he might as well use a virtual machine.
"Well, put a stake in my heart and drag me into sunlight."
hehe. That was funny. Try to figure out this acronym:
STFU
has something to say on this matter:
bondage-and-discipline language n.
deus does not exist but if he does
When I first wrote Escapade three or so years ago, my sex life was in the crapper (no pun intended). Now, I use Escapade all the time, and the women just won't leave me alone! I've had more sex in the last three years than in the previous 20 or so, so I would say that the choice of a programming language really helps!
-- Ed Carp, N7EKG erc@pobox.com PGP KeyID: 0x0BD32C9B What I'm up to: http://intuitives.mine.nu
Well, since a '#' symbol is technically called an "Octothorpe", and C# would then be a Coctothorpe . . . then I guess . . . . <mumbles>
Well, I guess this joke really tells itself...
"However," replied the universe, "The fact has not created in me A sense of obligation."
This is exactly why I like scripting languages:
Few or no declarations.
Weak or absent typing.
Indecipherable if I'm lazy.
Quick and dirty.
--Richard
The article is sadly biased against the geek culture. I really hope /. refrains in the future from using culturally loaded terminology which no geek will ever have had the opportunity to become familiar. The amount of jargon I had to wade through was simply horrific.
I've put together a few links to help fellow geeks make more sense of the article. Call it a jargon file. Feel free to contribute.
sex
girl
wife
Hope this helps. Try reading the article again now.
Blearf. Blearf, I say.
Looking for that perfect programming language that really gets your "mojo" pumping? Give one of these 227 programming languages a try... I'm sure one of them is bound to turn you on.
It's not because of your feelings of successful conquest from mastering APIs that a three year old could master in a day that your sex life has been better.
;^)
It's because Java, as an interpreted language, trains you to expect that things should occur slowly.
BASIC and Perl programmers have known this for years, of course.
PS: the "P" in "P-Code" doesn't stand for "pseudo"...
I don't know for certain, but the fact that I program in a dozen languages probably explains my polyamory.
...if these got placed at random through out the year....
chris at darkrock dot co dot uk
http colon slash slash www dot darkrock dot co dot uk
The inevitable influence of programming language choice on sexual performance is, unfortunately, a reality that the medical and psychological communities have yet to recognize or even fully come to grips with. It is undeniable that any regular behavior (such as programming), which becomes so large a part of any slashdot reader's life, will have a tangible affect on sexual performance and stamina. And it is pitiful that the medical community has thus far failed to research programming's affect on both the male and female sexual drive.
At present, a multitude of medical questions revolve around the various aspects of programming, ranging from the blatant influence of language and platform choice, to the more mundane and subtle influences of development environment and debugger choices. Preliminary research has proven only that the more we try to solve the mystery of coding's influence on the human psyche and man's most primal urges, the more questions we uncover.
For instance, with researchers from Prague, Moscow, Buenos Aires, and various sites in the USA working in concert, irrefutable evidence has recently surfaced illustrating the drastic sexual differences between vi and Emacs programmers...with vi programmers tending to prefer a more simplistic, hands-on approach to sexual activity, and a general distaste for experimentation in the bedroom. Needless to say, missionary is the overwhelming favorite among vi users. Conversely, Emacites (as they've been lovingly called by researchers) tend to be more liberal and focused on the visual aspects of lovemaking. Studies have found them much more eager to pursue menage e'toiles and exotic sexual positions. Their only potential sexual drawback, however, is their insistence that size does matter, and that bigger is better.
The striking differences between open source and closed source programmers are also being explored. Among the questions posed to researchers:
Are closed source programmers more likely to charge money for sex, while open source programmers eager to give it away for free?
Are debugger-reliant programmers more prone to STDs?
The phrase "wrap it up, everytime." Is it being misinterpreted?
Massive Yellow 5 intake as a potential male birth control?
Sex as a possible treatment for carpal tunnel, in much the same way marijuana can lessen the pain of glaucoma?
Obviously, the irrefutable link between programming and sex will continue to be explored and explained in the upcoming years. One day soon we may see an age where programmers become the sexual icons of society, and where lovers moan recursive algorithms under their breaths in the throes of ecstacy. The future does look good.
NT
why? this is a waste of my bandwidth..
is this supposed to enhance morale?
id be interested in seeing the percentages of sexually active users who read this site
I programmed C for a bit about 3 years ago, and had programmed in several different languages until last fall when I began programming C again. During that same time, I had a girlfriend. Not for a year before, and not since.
$ make work
make: *** No rule to make target `work'. Stop.
its been a while since I just started goofing instead of sharping my knowledge... and regardless sex with my wife is great...
OS X (OS SEX).
Definitely.
My wife walks around with a dreamy smile on her face, every waking hour.
I think you should not be allowed to speak unless is somehow promotes peace in the middle east. After all what could be more important than peace, speaking of anything else is pointless.
I seem to get lucky with complete strangers more in the middle of a big deadline.
Just yesterday I scored with a nice young blonde girl from the local. We had a game of pool. I was very wired from consumption of mass amounts of jolt, and coding straight for twelve hours( a transaction system, where I have to code mostly python but also some c and tiny bits of inline asm). After missing a lot of shots, she gave me a few tips on how to play. She pointed out how tight my pants were.
One thing led to another and we started making out. Then she disappeared for about half an hour, after saying she had to make a phone call.
She took me home to her place( a unit a few blocks away ). We took off our shirts, and just sat their talking and stroking each other for a couple of hours. Then she unhooked my bra, and started sucking on my nipple. I never like it when guys do it. But she was really gentle.
Anyway, that was the first time I've made out with a girl( except my best friend, but we were only kissing to weird out this guy ) Had to tell someone, why not a bunch of strangers?
So my point is; deadlines, and stress usually get me laid.
Would fill in more details, but I have to go to the gym. The other thing about deadlines is I tend to not look after myself as much.
cyberchick.org
#!/bin/bash
date ; unzip ; strip ; touch ; grep ; finger ; uptime ; head ; mount ; fsck ; more ; yes ; umount ; nice ; sleep; expect; fork
#Sexy programming with words like that
---- The geek shall inherit the Earth.
a few hours ago i finished working on my latest project: getting my Dell to use either it's onboard i815 graphics or my original VIVO Radeon to play games using OpenGL. see, for some reason, the DRI never took and none of the games ever started. i took the afternoon to swim the endless google of the topics related to Quake III and OpenGL, and through lots of reading, i upgraded to XFree86 4.2.0 and installed the latest DRI CVS from http://dri.sourceforge.net/. kudos (or however you spell it) to the makers of DRI for their fine work in both the drivers and their super keen installer. well, i was too pooped to work on the Radeon, but i got to play Urban Terror 2.5 using the Quake install i had been using for a dedicated server. even at a high peak of 45 fps and a low peak of 7 fps it was still a decent game (maybe itll be better with a video card with more than 1M of video RAM).
anyway, i am currently in the middle of a huge personal orgy. before the night is over i'll have watched over 2G of brand-new pr0n and match my old record for killing the kitten. if you dont know that term, learn it, cuz it's the newest in inside jokes for hackers and cyber stooges. although i didnt have to do any real coding, working with linux made me horny. maybe i should make a little newsgroup parser (alt.sex.pictures.femal anyone?). wonder what kind of hornyness THAT could spawn... *ponder*
oh yea and when i code in perl i get excited. god i hope nobody on #2600 reads slashdot, i'd hate to be thought of in bad taste
Well, coming up with april fools jokes is not easy, see this link for a brief history of successful and not-so-succesful april fools jokes by the media.
You should really be more carefull following links you find in /. comments on April Fools day.
:)
No hard feelings I hope?
Your wife might never forgive you :)
gs
"You never want a serious crisis to go to waste." - Rahm Emanuel
that is all.
Java
+ Sex is the same no matter who the partner is
- Sex is the same no matter who the partner is
+ Never have to explicitly clean up/no wet spot
- Automatic cleanup can occur at the most inopertune times
+ Easy to get decent sex without years of practice
- Have to go outside your "protective layer" if you want to get down and dirty
+ Quick foreplay, slow execution
- Slow execution, though with underwhelming performance
"This stuff will make you a god damned sexual Tyrannasaurus, like me!"
Name the movie, the character, and what is the stuff (no, it wasn't Java).
... I always get turned on. Although it's more or less because of programming in URLs like http://www.porno-website.com into the address bar of my browser.
he he
fm like a underground mode
only thing lacking the authenticity
was the lack of porno pop ups
Ask Slashdot: Do Programming Languages Affect Your Sexual Preference?
I thought it was going to turn reeeaaal ugly.
dominionrd.blogspot.com - Restaurants on
I also find myself having sex more often when coding Java for a living. That's primarily because Java leaves me rather ... unsatisfied. OTOH, C++ is better than sex, once you get everything working just right.
Perl is great for quickies. Python is great for quickies where you don't want to experiment too much. OCaml is great for fetishists. FORTH is perfect for masochists. And of course, then there's playing with LaTeX. Pity the poor Visual Basic programmer .. that's got to be like masturbating in the shower.
Maybe we geeks should be happy just to make it at all.
Finding God in a Dog
And now the trolls are posting stories.
--Blair
The more I use programming languages, the less sex I perform. Therefore, programming languages decrease my sexual performance, especially when the desire to have sex is less than the desire to program. This can actually happen to someone who reads /.
...
She's a bitch when she wants to program more than have sex with me.
Remarkable amount of BS in one post! Annual RIAA-Microsoft BS award goes to the poster!!
April fools day eh?
BUT the article was posted before April 1st!
Posted by Cliff on Sunday March 31, @11:52PM
I'm sorry to say, this article wasen't a joke. Now that's sad.
I think this should not be posted on Slashdot. What else is new, you might ask. Nothing, I will tell you. But I would prefer if Slashdot keeps a high quality standard so I can tell my friends "gee, I read that in Slashdot"!!!!
actually honestly... i dont really see this as news either... and i'm wondering whether it is more important than ananything else they could have posted..but.. that they could have put but you have to admit it is a good question... but more importantly i do not see this as sexist at all. Women have sex too you know... and sex in itself is not an immature topic. Sure, it seems to be presented in a sort of immature sort of medium-intelligent-male point of view but it also asks a question that i'm sure like many other /.'ers i did not know the awnser to.
but sex, in itself, is not immature, nor rude.
the real lameness would be refusing to post such an oddball unnexpected topic
GENERATION 26: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation.
The surest way to repel 99% of the women out there is to speak with them about programming. At least give yourself a chance before you admit to working in a cubicle at Initech.
look talk sync date touch expand size whatis nice unzip grep head leaks whereis find open finger tail mount rm fsck whoami man uptime more group biff perl ed cc tim join merge yes spray dump halt heap umount leave sleep
Not since Marie-Antoinette played milkmaid has looking simple and honest been so fake and complicated.
#!/usr/bin/perl
open(VAGINA, ">/dev/woman");
print VAGINA "tadpole looking things\n";
close(VAGINA);
-----
change the I/O device and file handler according to your preference
if your SO is a whore, you can use ">>/dev/woman" or the like
Since when is merely talking about sex sexist? I don't see what specifically would offend you, as a woman, in the article. If you're simply offended by the mere mention of sex in a humerous context, then I suggest you grow up.
main(c,r){for(r=32;r;) printf(++c>31?c=!r--,"\n":c<r?" ":~c&r?" `":" #");}
Int er face.
The biggest trick the devil pulled was letting lawyers become politicians so they can write the laws.
..then my wife will never allow me to pick up Java ;-)
To Terminate, or not to Terminate, that's the question - SCSIROB
...most slashdot geek don't know what you are talking about :)
There seems to be a big problem with my IE. I keep on typing in www.slashdot.org and it keeps on sending me to www.sleazydream.com !!
life is a big dll
Is there anything like a Time Bank I can save my mod points in? I'm willing to save up to fifty or so -- or even a 100 -- if I could have the privledge of getting a front-page story saying "a moderator just spent 100 mod points to inform you that Cliff in general and the story "Do Programming Languages Affect Your Sex Life" in particular are (-1, Permitted To Fellate Me)."
Yahoo! Pipes are awesome. How awesome? http://pipes.yahoo.com/jesdynf/slashdot
#! /usr/bin/ksex /dev/penis
./configure
make
make install
ksex
.. now we're going to hear a bunch of people claiming to have sex on a regular basis.
Listen: No matter how many times you've done it, you have to have had a PARTNER to claim you're an expert on it, k?
"Derp de derp."
"Not all of us are on the east coast.. d'oh! :)"
You're trying REAL hard to get karma points arentcha. Anybody wanna mod this guy down as 'Obvious' or even better 'duh!'?
"Derp de derp."
Posted by Cliff on Monday April 01, @01:52AM
That's better than the cum-pile joke I was about to make...
"Derp de derp."
Well this one had to be done sooner or later. Apologies if it's already been done, gf kept me up all night. (sex, and cos I can't sleep with only half a duvet.)
"Windows and Linux can co-exist on the same machine." - Microsoft Corporation.
a little bit of tcl (tickle) is always good foreplay... but to me JAVA just keeps me awake and stay interested.
i like clams and oysters. hence SHELL programming would be best for me
my blog
where on earth is the sexism of this topic shining through? please englighten us all.
if the author had not mentioned "wife" and instead used "partner" perhaps we would nto even know their gender (although, i'd guess everyone else would assume male).
What if sexual arousal and language were related? "romance" languages of the computer age.
GENERATION 26: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation.
Can the marketing department at Sun stoop any lower?
C# gets me really rilled up, It just makes me think of good old Billy boy getting of on it and it makes me horny too.
"One the Seventh day Sun betgotten Java from the earth, and he was please. Bill was pissed off so he took all of Java except the rib and begott C#"
Good point, but BTW "Romance" as in languages refers to the fact that they came from Roman, nothing at all to do with love, cupid and all that shit.
I promise to kill this guy. Actually, I promise to kill anyone who relates programming languages to sexual performance, just on principal.
If this is a 4/1 joke, I'm still inclined to smack him around for using stupid anologies and such.
If some woman related her stove cleaning prowess to sexual powers, I'd kill her, too.
(Note for repressive government, all mentions of "Kill" or "killing" is made in a fictitious manner to be funny.) (Welcome to unlimited liability.)
Vote monkeys into Congress. They are cheaper and more trustworthy.
as i was one of the "hung around with girls at that age and ignored the immature underdeveloped males" types...(although they[immature males] got sex and i did not...not that it really matters). it is discussion of sex...not the humour of sex which would have made this post good...i do not see how you are expecting it TO be a humorous post...and still expecting it to be clean of sexist, immature comments.
If slashdot is to be a major player in the world mabye it would be better off for us all if they shook up the old-white-male dominance and authoritative style of news coverage (With the cute vuluptious bimbo reading things she does not understand)... you know why they sit behind a desk right? because they want to look like they have authority. if we had any reason to believe that mabye the people at MSNBC may not know everything there is to know about important news issues such as the variuous open source movements, consumer privacy and new scientific findings, then in their idea they would not be seen as important and people from indymedia would become more widespread, and they would lose their job. but what is more important, having one person keep a job or to have the entire world know what's going on in the world?
screw reuters, burn AP, destroy MSNBC...slashdot and other alternative news sources are all thats keeping us from living completely in an americanized media / propeganda driven world state.
GENERATION 26: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation.
thank you for pointing it out AC.
GENERATION 26: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation.
And if you can't find another host, just loopback, close your eyes and fire up the VM. :)
Of course, you'll wanna keep a port listening for sysadmin/partner/mother; one non maskable interrupt you can do without...
"Windows and Linux can co-exist on the same machine." - Microsoft Corporation.
what you want to is that Java sucks (you know what I mean,eh? ;)
A monkey is doing the real work for me.
you summed up most of what i had to say in less words(someone mod this up plz)...and did so earlier to boot!
GENERATION 26: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation.
Thex life! You don't have a thex life when you talk like thith! Not with girlth anyway.
Full plate and packing steel! -Minsc
The boasting about how well he shagged his wife isn't sexist? This kind of talk does offend girls. I mean would you feel uncomfortable if gay males started cracking jokes about how good a shag this guy was, or this guy wasn't at the watercooler at work? What if girls start talking about two hot guys they saw kissing and how sexy this was in front of all of their male coworkers? Or start talking about how this guy they went out with who you know has such a small penis and can't take it. The standard you have to apply is, if you turned the tables around, would you feel uncomfortable? This is basically the whole thing about the remark that if males could get pregnant, abortion would be a constitutional right. Males hardly ever have to bear the brunt of such behaviour and so have no idea about what is offensive and what is not offensive. I find it significant that all the people writing back saying it is "nothing" are all guys who have most likely *never* had to endure such remarks about their gender before. It is *not* the sex I find offensive but rather the crass immature toilet humour way it is presented and the remarks about being a "stallion" and fucking his wife senseless (yes, I am aware it is a joke). However I agree that one cannot be too fussy. So whilst such talk is not appropriate say around a water cooler at work, it may be say at a pub having a drink with the boys. Which is what I am saying here. The frontpage of the most widely read computer news site is not the appropriate place to put such "humour". The fact that the editors and most of the (male) audience seem to think so is a sign of how deeply entrenced the problems are in the IT industry. I mean take for example, as soon as I complain, the boys here all assume it is the sex when I am not complaining about the fact that it is about sex but the appropriateness of this type of toilet humour in this forum. "Oh, she is a typical female bitch, who can't stand the talk of sex." That in itself is also sexist behaviour. I wonder what type of remark they make if a girl gets sexually harassed at work?
If you have emacs installed do the following on the command line
man $(locate condom)
This is one of those things that proves emacs really is a great OS because it can supply all our needs.
Ascii artist &
Actually, I think of girls as 3 port routers*. And I like to use the full bandwidth on all ports.
* You have to be Australian to fully get this pun.
Reliable, Great Value Hosting: $7.95/mo 2.4G/120G
Did Java make you better in bed or just hornyer? For example Coffee (Java) would probably make you more alert/hyper and it maybe that early sun developers found this was also true with (programming) Java. I know that when I code HTML, or tweak CSS, its so easy and generally problem and bug free that it puts me in a very good mood. If however your solving tedious problems all day in some obscure language then you will feel bad.
:)
Also, creativity and imagination would likely play a big part, with, i suppose lower level languages allowing you more freedom, which could be good or bad? higher-level languages are slightly more restrictive but force you to come up with some really imaginative work-arounds. I suppose there would be a balance somewhere. (We don't want to start programming VBasic now do we!
This comment does not represent the views or opinions of the user.
reasonable guys prefer shagging mares to shagging women anyway.
Mares are sexier.And a note to the moderators - if you don't agree, reply. Moderating this down will just waste your moderator points.
The best OS for sex is Mac OS X... Just look at Steve Jobs, he looks like he has got some. I might get some to :P
"You win again Gravity!" -Futurama (Zapp)
All I know is whenever I think of PHP, I get a massive hard-on.
I know this is supposed to be a joke,
BUT since I started writing a lot of C, I started getting laid a lot (nightly basis).
Don't ask me why, its the honest truth.
(Sign Extend). So assembly IS the sexiest language. Kids these days with their VB/Java don't know what they're missing...
I honestly find mares sexier than women. That's the reason that I haven't had sex with a girl but have had sex with a mare. I'm sorry if you can't comprehend this.
Ideally, you would use a purely functional language to take care of business. However, when you really get down to the heart of things, there it really can't be done. No matter what you try, there are always side effects. No amount of protection is 100% guaranteed.
For this reason, I have to advocate loyalty to your API. Take your time, get to know a few, but don't do the deed until you are ready to commit. Otherwise, the rest of your life will be utterly confusing -- the side effects of previous programmer-OS releationships will come back to haunt you.
You have been warned!
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
...celibacy enhances computing skills.
This is probably one of the famous /. april 1st jokes but it does make sense to a degree. It probably was/is not the languages that he was programming but it was what he was programming. In the C++ world, he was doing the 8-10hrs/day coding where when he was doing the java he was doing 8-10hrs/day of conquring something new. Once he mastered all the APIs and the actual coding becomes a little more standard for him, then the sex drive would go to.
I am far from an expert but I feel much better as a person (happier, energetic, etc) when I get do to things that extend my mind or chanllege me. Doing the "punch-the-clock and work at my desk" crap does nothing for the geek. But trying to get Your linux box to administrer the Win2k/XP boxes without having admin rights (and being able to do it) is more geeker and more interesting to the local geek.
But your opinions may very...
Scott
janitor
sdn website family
email: scott at sboss dot net
Sorry, but this got to be a April fools story...
You Linux users are seriously fucked in the head if you get off on programming languages.
Fucking Linux users.
I guess using Java makes you so depressed you have to compensate. I wonder what would happen if he started using LISP or Haskell? Would the result be prozac or suicide?
...it's Slashdot as well. I go limp with frustration every time I read about the latest DMCA lawsuit while waiting for the porn to load in my other browser window. Recently, I've even begun to recall articles on Microsoft security leaks while having sex with my girlfriend, just so I can prolong orgasm. I'm telling you, that Plug&Play issue from a while back left us both raw and dehydrated.
Hee-hee. Dying tickles!
Randomize User 54321 ???
Dunno, but I always found batch programming to model my sex life most correct... ;-))
;-)
Ehhh... OK, you got me there... It's Assembler and all those NMI's... damn...
Excellence: Moderate (mostly affected by comments on your karma)
I really got depressed after cnn.com and bbc.uk.com. Thanks god there is slashdot!
C. Sagan : A demon haunted world:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0345409469/
visit randi.org
Everyone knows that it's 6809 assembly language programmers who have SEX.
Does this mean that if you have 2 girls then you get double the band width? or do you get the performance evened out of the 2 three port routers?
A Tale of 2 idle hands
No comment on Linux but some people need windows, while others can just "mac".
But what does it say that some of us are just flash programmers.
we both know what the other is saying...we just cant say anything appropriate to reply :D are you sure i havnt dated you for 14 months or something? lol j/k. seriously though... i do understand and am unsure how to reply to that.
as for stallion i really dont think that deseverves to be picked on for as being as cliche and lude as it was...it was also some form of a metephor...while not artistic...it is getting there...and banning words is walking on a fine line...
so in other words the idea that his wife is a sex object is the sexist part? notice that he said his "wife"...isnt the entire mairrage thing based around the idea of sex?? if it wasnt would there truly be a 'no sex before mairage' thing in the bible, koran, popular culture, whatever else comes to mind???...honestly...we know they are having sex... we know some days are better than others...what makes this so wrong to talk about it? would it have been different had this been his wife being told that he had stopped working on java and now was back to C and so now she's experiencing 'less' of him in the bed(or shower or whever else for that matter?)?
Part of the problem i think is that i dont actually talk to anyone anymore really that much so that if girls wanted to talk about how sexy those gay guys were i dont think it would even matter. honestly when i used to...they talked like that!!! that was a large portion of the conversations i've been in vacinity of by women were on thoe lines... some of them anyways. others were just as intelligent...
...i mean a few of them used to talk about how sexy those gay guys were (as gay guys are the perfect men...except that you cant have them!)...and it never bothered me. i'm not usually one bothered by any of that...unless i just broke up with someone recently (but you would have said that by now if you have...right?)...but i have not..so it makes no dfference.
i mean it also depended on the girl, some of them were far more englightened than others...but this is in all things
no you are not the "typical female bitch", because no such thing exists...at least to my observations. the entire "cant stand the talk of sex" is not healthy, and i would suggest you look into it... but it is none of my business so that is the end of that.
actually if you want MY opinion i think you are fekin sexy, because anyone with a mind that can stand up to even 250 000 slashdotters including me must be worth something... and its the mind that matters...right???
GENERATION 26: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation.
Real Programmers use Assembly.
I, not a Real Programmer of THAT time (referring
to the Jargon Book), due to my late (1982) birth,
however, favour BASIC in combination with ASM.
And sometimes, when I am done coding some things
in this combination, done debugging (which is one
things I really liked on MS-/DR DOS and hate on
GNU/Linux and OpenBSD), _then_ I have some sexual
feeling right down...
This is no April Joke, because I do not belong to
the culture holding it. I have even a different
date than 01-04.
My Karma isn't excellent, damn it! (And
News for nerds, stuff that splatters.
We're going to make information free Mr. Anderson, whether you like it, or not.
> : in
< : out
+ : faster !
- : slower !
. : don't come yet
, : I'm coming !
[] : do this to me again !
mail shadows_of_ink@hotmail.com if you want to discuss this so that it isnt a slashdot forum (and will be winked out of existance once your modded down to points by all those other males)...
GENERATION 26: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation.
...that without Microsoft we wouldn't have VD....erh....VB
fear my zig!
You have to be Australian to fully get this pun.
I can only guess that you meant "rooter". But all the techies I know in Australia pronounce router as "rowter", not as "rooter". Although they do pronounce route as "root", not "rowt". (No one said the English language had to be consistent).
Or did I miss some other pun?
I am anarch of all I survey.
figured a way so he only had to work a little bit to do the task he needed to...and spent the rest of the day looking at porn and jacking off or something...came back at the end of the day utterly spent... and thus sucked in the sack. am i that far off?
GENERATION 26: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation.
only your probly a male and your male jack wouldnt fit in with my male plug :p
GENERATION 26: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation.
Just check freshmeat :)
Ascii art?!! wtf (response to reason why this couldnt be posted) hm..........
GENERATION 26: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation.
10 IN
20 OUT
30 GOTO 10
Easy, fast, reliable!
Fabio - Sumare/Sao Paulo/Brazil/South America/Earth/Solar System/Milky Way/Universe
http://www.morroida.com.br
Does MS == S&M?
:)
Nope. I'm into BDSM (IRL even) and I only run Linux!
My other account has a 3-digit UID.
Of course it is an April fool.
OTOH, if I have to use C++ or VB instead of my beloved Delphi, I do get frustrated because it is so
akward.
And maybe one does ventilate such frustrations in their sex lives. I'll ask my girl-friend
Give my dick a suck.
that can enable you to give a PERL necklace....
...NEWS FOR NERDS, would it not?
;)
Sorry.
Mvh:
- Knut S.
If you can get full bandwidth into one, constantly, then the other can be taken offline for servicing (cleaning out, diagnostics, supervised self-test, etc...).
If you've broadcast all your data, you can just lie back and watch them synchronise. Most satisfying. :)
Ali
"Windows and Linux can co-exist on the same machine." - Microsoft Corporation.
Sorry, but I find it hard to believe that you could "conquer" an entire java API in a single day while doing commercial developement at the same time. In truth, you are probably a horny 16 year old who posted this as a joke and Slashdot didn't know the difference.
Type new password:
penis
Your passowrd isn't long enough.
Did you hear about the guy with five peni?
His undershorts fit him like a glove.
Im all about BASH.
Why was this posted? At the very least give it a "foot" category. What next? "Does accidently clicking on goats.cx improve sexual performance?"
What a troll.
I thought the real hard-core coders had sex while programming, regardless of prefered programing environment. I know I do, and I am NOT that great at the programming part...
You're correct. The reason Australians say "rowter" is that it's not really possible to pronounce it "rooter" in polite company. They may as well have called it a "fucker". So we call it as the Armericans do. Of course, the pun still works, it's just a little more hidden.
Reliable, Great Value Hosting: $7.95/mo 2.4G/120G
check it out: microsoft.com
Maybe Sun should use this as a means of selling Java to the developer community, inorder to squash the C#/.NET Microsoft initiative - just think of the advertising possibilities...
MONEY
Python helps me choke the snake
...the way Steve Ballmer behaves in the developpers & the monkey videos ( http://www.ntk.net/ballmer/mirrors.html ) ;)
Boy was that a bad pun.
I'm Canadian and I got it...
The problem is I usually get overflow errors when I use those subroutines.
It's windows baby. Where else do you get asked to give commands (command prompt), ability to change face (interface) at any time, mutability of sound, and put it to sleep or shutdown anytime you'd like?
In CLOS, a GF supports multiple methods with fast dispatch times, and you can use them without having to go through the whole bondage-and-discipline routine forced on you by other "high level" programming languages like C++. And don't get me started on "before", "after", and "around" methods or garbage collection. Needless to say, GFs are pretty sweet.
I'm proud of my Northern Tibetian Heritage
I really think that programming languages have all that power - as well as ALL things that may excite you up on your workplace. I remember my early conquests in Flash, which let me very excited and made me work a lot better those days...
I think not only the languages, but everything that can make your humor better would have a positive effect in your days. Or Nights.
I had to check the date on this story. I was wondering what the prank was going to be this year.
Java.
LISP Programing makes me want to do myself.
if 'fruits de mer' = seafood
does 'fruits de merde' = mushrooms?
that was by far the dumest joke I have ever heard
is like asking which overalls you should wear on a date to get you laid
You wear overalls on dates?!?!?!
I program in PHP. I have four children. I've been more productive programming in PHP than any other language. Ask my wife... :)
http://tinyurl.com/4ny52
If the slashdot operators are going to let such stupid topics get posted, they may just see less instances of my DNS entries in their logs. This is simply childish.
Why is nobody taking this post seriously?
Good sex:
Java especially with Swing unless like most people you ignore "Swing is NOT threadsafe"
Python for text parsing (as opposed to Perl)
Haskell, especially as a language to code up compilers on
HTML I honestly think artisic web designers have the best sex in the world
*Cringe* <HateMicrosoftOverride> VisualBasic </HateMicrosoftOverride>
Bad sex:
Java RMI/CORBA
C++ you'd be constantly thinking "should I kill those segfaults using double-free()"
Assembly - if you thought C free() was bad....
Perl writing 1 line takes a couple of days, debugging is more difficult than sex, advice: USE PYTHON.
Machine code nuff said
A caveman dreams of being us, the incalculable power and riches. We dream of being Q, then what?
all of these are below my threshold.
Well at first I thought there was a new category called 'Troll Slashdot' then I realised that is what happens in these forums each day. But then someone said something about april fools. I wish my datacenter were only kidding; all the air conditioning died on Easter and we only have critical services running.
sigh
...it has to be a good day at the Slashdot office. I'm ceritanly glad I'm not hired to read trough the submissions today ;)
Regards:
- Knut S.
Ever since I started using Linux my "uptime" has increased dramatically. With Windows95 (last version of windows I used) I always had a problem with premature ejaculation.
we're all biting our nails in anticipation...
I suppose this explains why you don't see many young COBOL programmers.... like the Shakers, they've failed to reproduce and are slowly, verbosely, coding themselves into extinction.
First is pays to master Python. Make sure you own both of these books all about Python. Mastry of Python will lead to long satisfying enguagements where lerge sums of money may trade hands. Your expertise will serve you well in your travels, as lonely women seek out those who can best satisfy them. Remember, Python is not known for speed, but for flexibility and power, so go fourth young Python masters and spread the wealth.
--CTH
PS: And although some are better endowed than others, the longer the Python the better.
--Got Lists? | Top 95 Star Wars Line
#include <iostream>
// Need a container?
#include <vector>
// You gotta love her
class Wife
{
public:
void GiveItToHerGood(iostream& orifice);
void Swallow() {}
bool Sated() { return false; }
};
class Wad {};
class Dribble : Wad {};
void Wife::GiveItToHerGood(iostream& orifice)
{
vector<long> penis;
bool cant_hold_it;
long fullLength = penis.max_size();
for (;;)
{
orifice << penis[fullLength];
orifice >> penis[fullLength];
if (cant_hold_it)
throw Wad();
}
};
void main()
{
iostream mouth, pussy, ass;
Wife wife;
do
{
try
{
wife.GiveItToHerGood(mouth);
wife.GiveItToHerGood(pussy);
wife.GiveItToHerGood(ass);
}
catch(Wad&)
{
try
{
wife.Swallow();
}
catch(Dribble&)
{
}
}
}
while (!wife.Sated());
}
"I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don't always agree with them." -- George H. W. Bush
This is just plain stupid, not the highbrow stuff of /.
Dammit MAN!! Don't leaving hanging on this issue.
In the ongoing anticipation of Episode II Natalie Portman naked and petrified w/ Hot Grits trolls, I want mine to be high quality!! Details! Fricken details!!!!!
Or I will troll this place into trollblivion!
Its a proven fact. X is harcore, and the ladies love it!
_______
Death wish, n.:
The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it t
I'm sorry, but every day is Fools day on Slashdot.
VOS/Interreality project: www.interreality.org
if (w.isPregnant()) {
throw new CondomMalfunctionException("Check the condom for problems");
}
Do I get more karma when I detect the obvious, hilarious, APRIL FOOLS ARTICLE IN SLASHDOT?
AM I THE FIRST?
GIMME SOME CAAAAANDY!
Jave is fun and easy to learn so less energy is expended during the day and the extra stock pile is blown at home.
C++ is evil and drains ones energy. Memory leaks have to be plugged, multiple inheritance can frustrate, and out of boundary pointers can debilitate.
Of course web programming html, javascript is easy too so the same applies as to straight Java.
Punch card coderse do it real slowly and in as many holes as possible.
It doesn't matter what language you're hacking -- be it Java, Objective-C, C++, or even Basic -- as long as you're doing it on a Mac, you'll attract chicks.
mbbac
Sales of books on java briefly soared today according to officials at Amazon.com.
Investigations into the recent run on java books using "customers buying this book also bought" listings yielded inconclusive results, leading to a dead end of books on masturbation.
Ok now slashdot reached the worst.
Bye bye slashdot
With all this talk of "toilet humor", I find it ironic that immediately following the sex post on my Slashdot front page was an article about toilets.
Operationalizing the paradigm shift!
is what you seem to be anthy. /. articles are a mix of everything from science to software to treefrog mating and the stories are written in by human beings.
It's people like you that make being part of a couple hell on earth because one wonders if you are complaining about a harmless story like this, what you will be complaining about in your everyday life.
PHP is so easy to setup and use, and simultaneously quite powerful, that I often find myself spent before I can make it to the bedroom! :)
PHP: Helping Developers World-wide Cream Their Shorts.
Steve Magruder, Metro Foodist
She likes cereals
Well, since you obviously missed it, this is APRIL FOOL's DAY, and slashdot always posts sillier than normal posts on 1st of April. Use the /. archive to look at previous april fool's day's.
that april first comes but once a year. Though on slashdot the theory is, why just once.
"Jerkin' Off With Javascript"....
I think you'll like it.
My wife believes in Object Oriented sex. She objects every time I bring it up.
---
Copyright © 2002 me
Or do you have absolutely no female friends? I (male) have quite a few female friends and they all indulge in what you would refer to as sexist talk, talking about how well the guy does it, what they like, what they don't like, if the guy has a good butt etc.
So in response to your claim "She is typical female bitch whoc can't stand the talk of sex" I would say that no, you are an atypical female as most enjoy sex and can have a good laugh about it.
It is not an excuse for sexual abuse or sexism, but here in Switzerland, at least, a recent study indicated that fully 40% of all couple meet one another in the workplace. That means, flirting, chatting and all the other things that go towards what makes the human race procreate. A part of that will certainly include what you call sexism but it is part of life and works both ways.
At the last place I worked I had a female collegue continually pestering me for a date although I had a partner. Would that have been included under the heading of sexism? Sonner or later I had no choice but to politely but firmly tell her that I had a partner and would rather not have her attention. After that she did her best to get me fired, which I eventually was.
I would love to see this type of thing seeded randomly through out the year. I went to my first class this morning (ugg 8:30 discrete math), professor started doing a proof, cracked open my palm and started reading Slashdot... I just about $#!+ myself as I worked my way through some of the comments... I love it!
It's like playing with Lego... you have all the building blocks and just build something...it's not that createive...
And naturally, there is S&M if one's into MS...specifically the M part...
jesus that is about the stupidest thing I have ever read...if I met this guy at a party, I'd throw him off the balcony for being such a jackass...
:P Maybe she's on the couch because he snores too loud, or has heinous night breath...
Although I'd like to see if his wife thinks he's the "stallion" that he thinks he is
Of course it does! Only your friends can touch your private parts!
Unix: Where
I've heard with two NICs you can get full-duplex connections? Err, sorry, nevermind ;-).
April 21-27-- Slashdot Blackout: Do your duty.
I think Intercal must be for sexual criminals... :O
and Brainf*** is probably for people with
necrophilia
For every problem, there is at least one solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.
My 'wife' insists on enforced celibacy, regardless of what language I have coding in that day.
/. to silly stories.
... not happy !!
That is why I am up at a loose end a 2am with nothing better to do than to post inane comments on
Ask me again, and I will shove your teeth down your throat
Slightly off topic I admit but does anyone know why April 1st is the day for this sort of thing?
- AlanH
"There is always more than one way to shoot yourself in the foot"
Which explains things like the Schwartzian Transform and the Orcish maneouver...
-WS
An operating system should be like a light switch... simple, effective, easy to use, and designed for everyone.
After all, they're always going down on you.
Mind you, with the amount of viruses you can get with an MS system, you should always surf with plenty of protection.
"Life is like a sewer - what you get out of it depends on what you put into it" - Tom Lehrer
Comment removed based on user account deletion
You really have to take into account whether they're full or half duplex... A misconfigured port will definitely mess with your bandwidth, so remember, proper configuration before plugging in is important!
And we won't even discuss the possibilities of different sized MTUs black-hole/gray-hole hops.
I don't have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
All I know is that perl programmers tend to be greasy and undershowered.
I don't think that helps much in bed...
This is a perverted article. And I am amazed that slashdot had the indecency to post it.
If they want an adult section that's one thing. But playing to the immature teenagers is another. I hope they stop this downward spiral.
We've already lost polls from being serious to be jokes. (Started with a joke now and then, now its jokes all the time.) Lets hope the stories don't go away.
Sheesh, just after I bought a subascription. I wonder if I can return it.
Have you read my journal today?
I think idea that asm programmers are "wham-bam-that's-the-end-of-that-non-maskable- interrupt-where's-the-remote-control-honey-can-you -get
-me-a-beer" is completly backwards. Assmebly people have to know just how to push the buttons on a computer, so to speak, and it extends quite well into the bedroom (or living room, or dining room, or kitchen really).
I think the quality of your sex life depends more on the interfaces you choose to use than the language you choose to use.
Software sucks. Open Source sucks less.
I've never gotten as much head() and tail() as when I program in Lisp or SML. You procedural guys just don't understand the give and take: sometimes you get the head, other times you have to eat the tail. Some people say Lisp and SML are too strict. If you're just looking for a good time, I'd recommend Miranda...
Give them an inch and they'll take a foot. Much more than that, you won't have a leg to stand on.
Who needs a programming language, when a shell will do ! (Can't believe no one has posted this yet... ;-)
(I'd post the jokes, but the blood lameness filter prevents it.)
http://www.lns.cornell.edu/~pvhp/perl/unix.html
Unless you consider abusing yourself to www.mit-nudies.cs.edu to be programming related then I'd have to say no, programming tends to decrease performance.
It is by the juice of the coffee bean that thoughts acquire speed, the teeth acquire stains. The stains become a warning
whoever posted this topic should be FIRED.
Not All Who Wander Are Lost
Throwing out an ask slashdot that involves the combination of sex and programming languages?? This is akin to asking a bunch of pimply middle schoolers to make their best farting noises. I'm terrified at the severe display of depraved ubergeekness, and will avoid reading the comments :)
Yeah, it works, but the side effects suck -
I started to stink like a camel and spit like a camel, so I had to give it up to save my marriage.
C'mon... what's so disgusting about sex? If /. were to become refocused (or even make it a regular section), I'd be a bit annoyed. An occasional joke, on the other hand... where's the harm, other than tweaking those too stodgy to appreciate them?
If you don't like it, ignore it -- don't read the offending articles; don't waste your precious ad-free page views. Trying to force your views of what's appropriate viewing on others, though -- that's something I can't support.
i program in turing. i don't get any
The reason Australians say "rowter" is that it's not really possible to pronounce it "rooter" in polite company. ... So we call it as the Armericans do.
Actually, that pronounciation is regional, and one of the canonical examples of the techniques of mapping of pronounciations for analysis of prevalance, prevalance change, likely origin, etc. (At least it was a canonical example at the University of Michigan in the late '60s, because the rOOt/rAWte isogloss ran through Ann Arbor at the time.)
I grew up on that isogoloss, and tend to use rOOt for the noun (the path) and rAWte for the verb (to chose the path), and thus the box that performs the operation.
One of the texts on IP by some of the pioneers claims that the two pronounciations are interchangable when it comes to networking gear.
I suspect the rAWte pronounciation appears to be the "American" one because it's prevalent in the part of California where the major IP equipment manufacturers are headquartered. So when you hear an American talking about routers on TV you're probably hearing someone who is working on them in California.
Bantam Dominique roosters crow a four-note song. Once you've heard it as "Happy BIRTHday" you can't NOT hear it that way
So it's not just a coincidence that this Java-coding neighbour is laid off and the wife being so happy recently...
Sig ?
Gee, I guess I shouldn't wear my "Got Root?" tshirt when I go down there, eh?
.
After reading this sexist(I just came home and carried on conquering) trash my opinion of slashdot for a reliable daily news source just went through the floor.
You expect us to believe that slashweenies have real relationships with real people??
Ah, sorry, just spotted the date.
...are probably so complex and obfuscated that their partners are so confused they don't know where to begin, much less what to actually do. Without written instructions, that is. :)
Jake
Dating: while( 1 ){ call_girl(); get_rejected(); drink_40(); } return 0;
I knew this guy once who was getting too involved with EMACS and one day he decided to learn LISP. The next day he was gay. True story.
Don't program in any language made by MICRO SOFT unless you read the Sexual-Enhancement EULA.
True story: Code makes my girlfriend hot. Sometimes she'll just ask me to talk to her about the code behind the projects I'm working on, explain object inheritance, database design, looping techniques, etc. This will often get her all warmed up, causing her to jump me. I told my boss this, and he said "marry her immediately."
Ruby's "Principle of Least Surprise" means I never have to worry about premature ejaculation!
Transcript show: self sigs atRandom.
When I first loaded this article page, at the bottom I read, "69 beneath your current threshold". Good; that means I'm on top.
Transcript show: self sigs atRandom.
so after conquering an API a day (JDOM, Swing,...)
There's the problem. You're all energized from your day at work, and your wife's just been sitting around bored. Try getting her a virtual machine.
It also helps if you have a fast/wide SCSI array. Some girls even like them striped. And the more RAM the better. Try importing Swing packages, but always make sure to examine the package contents first.
c-hack.com |
I had something similar when I switched to linux. I guess it's all that mounting hard drives, and fingering users.
=================
Unix is very user friendly, it's just picky about who its friends are.
Sub HeteroInter(PerPartner)
Do Until vRESISTANCE = "Futile"
Call Foreplay(vTOYS)
Loop
Do Until vSTAMINA = "Spent"
Call vPOSTION(vKAMASUTRABOOK)
Loop
End Sub
m.mmm..myyy
Emperor penguins at play...
Non-Linux Penguins ?
As for me, I tried a lot of continuations after leaving college, but grew disenchanted because you could never be sure if they were GC'ed or if you would be interrupted at an inopportune time....
Need I say more?
...no programming language at all.
My theory is that java's so easy, so after conquering an API a day (JDOM, Swing,...) I just came home and carried on conquering. Could be. Or perhaps it was just spring and you are too young to notice these patterns. I wonder what Occam's Razor would suggest? =brian
you know shes just trying to get away from you...right?
The Truth: There is no string:)
I've got at least five female CS geek friends who play Netrek every Friday night on campus with a group of guys that range in size from 10 to 20 on a week-by-week basis.
The conversations carried on there are no better or worse than the postings on this board and believe me...the women in our group sometimes come up with the raunchiest comments/jokes of them all!
Moe: Call this an unfair generalization if you want, but old people are no good at everything.
...and that's the way the cookie crumbles.
only brings.
.NET
.Never Enough Titties
ASP
Average Sexual Performance
Possibilities:
OSS
Ornery Satanical Sex
FSF
Free Sexual Favors
This is the Internet. You can say "fuck" here. - AC
if this is the type of behaviour that exists in a typical IT geek gathering, no wonder no girls want to go to them
What impresses me so much about you is the fact that you're complaining about the supposed sexism of the editors while making broad (no pun intended) statements about what all other women think and like. I highly doubt you are their elected representitive, and if you are, you may consider hiring some PR people through which to do your male/CS geek relations.
...and that's the way the cookie crumbles.
Perhaps you'd share a brief introduction to trigonometry or which ever math makes it possible, instead of trying to impress us with your mad perl skillz.
(Damn you Taco, its times like these when you need to post anonymously).
I never would have believed it if it hadn't happened to me. We used to joke about finding a woman who thought programming was sexy -- now I have one! I am a lucky boy.
Before I learned Java, I was a virgin. As soon as I got my first Java programming job, I got laid for the first time.
I almost got another woman afterwards, but then I got laid off from my Java job, and my sex life dried up. As soon as I found out my job search was over after 3 months (a Java programming position) I picked up again. I got laid again within a couple of weeks of starting my new job.
I had varying degrees of success over the course of that job, but when I got my new Java job, my rate of success got even higher. Now I'm in a situation where I'm getting some on a consistent basis.
This space left intentionally blank.
Actually, I think of girls as 3 port routers*. And I like to use the full bandwidth on all ports.
* You have to be Australian to fully get this pun.
1. This gives new meaning to the term "rooting" a box.
2. Friend of mine in the navy regularly struck out while on shore leave in Australia. It seems the ladies didn't like it when he introduced himself with "Hi, I'm Randy".
Java leaves me lots of free time and I spending it screwing my gf's brains out. Sometimes I take a Pepsi or bio break.
Often wrong but never in doubt.
I am Jack9.
Everyone knows me.
but your references suck. those magazines to my knowledge are bought mostly by males.
GENERATION 26: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation.
w00t brainfuck! how about Quickbasic for those who just dont have the attention span?
GENERATION 26: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation.
...looks a lot like spam I see in my inbox or on usenet.
What's the next headline:
"Provided by the management for your protection."
I think most programmers would testify that no matter what language they code in, programmers STILL don't get laid.
"You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake."...Tyler Durden
Isn't there a library I code in C, is there hope for me yet? Can't I just include sex.h or something?
If I program in Visual Basic, does that mean I'm going to buffer overflow early in bed?
Tim Dorr
Owner/Manger
A Small Orange
WHAT? Programmers have sex?
It's good that friend didn't want to express support for some reason, otherwise he might have said "Hi, I'm Randy and I'm rooting for you."
...it's the appropriateness of the article part of slashdot in posting toilet humour. As I said, I have no trouble with guys making such jokes in front of me, when we are out clubbing or having coffee ie. in social situations. However what is basically being done here is akin to the CEO of a company sending out ribald jokes in his monthly newsletter to his employees as opposed to ribald jokes from co-workers. The point is the article part of slashdot proports to be a news site "News for nerds". The community part comes from the comments that people respond to. Still, I find it funny how people who respond to me keep on fixating on the sex part and totally ignore the "appropriateness of having it in the news part of slashdot part". I mean does anyone actually *read* posts here?
My lover just told me he doesn't know any of the prog. languages, so its no spice in my boudoir... ;)
I'll have to stick to doing all the work myself...
A girls life is always interesting
SJ
Killa on the Loose
[Part 1]
Three weeks later, in London, March came in like a rattlesnake.
From first light on March 1st, hail and icy sleet, with a Force 8 gale behind them, lashed at the city and went on lashing as the people streamed miserably to work, their legs whipped by the wet hems of their macintoshes and their faces blotching with the cold.
It was a filthy day and everybody said so - even M, who rarely admitted the existence of weather even in its extreme forms. When the old black Silver Wraith Rolls with the nondescript number-plate stopped outside the tall building in Regent's Park and he climbed stiffly out on to the pavement, hail hit him in the face like a whiff of small-shot. Instead of hurrying inside the building, he walked deliberately round the car to the window beside the chauffeur.
"Won't be needing the car again today, Smith. Take it away and go home. I'll use the tube this evening. No weather for driving a car. Worse than even one of those PQ convoys."
Ex-Leading Stoker Smith grinned gratefully. "Aye-aye, sir. And thanks." He watched the elderly erect figure walk around the bonnet of the Rolls and across the pavement and into the building. Just like the old boy. He'd always see the men right first. Smith clicked the gear lever into first and moved off, peering forward through the streaming windscreen. They didn't come like that anymore.
Ok, that was funny, i laughed, then i laughed some more..
keep riding that pony
gawk; talk; nice; date; wine; grep; touch; unzip; strip; touch; gasp; finger; gasp; mount; fsck; more; yes; gasp; umount; make clean; make mrproper; sleep
heh-heh...
He said "load"
Heh-heh...
Yeah...Load...in the port...
heh.
and THAT, my friends, is why Mac users get more tail! "Oooh! What a Solid G4 you have, Mr. Gorbie. Can I give that nice mouse a click?"
Heh...argue cheap hardware now!
So my child, you have come to know the true nature of Micro Soft. M$-Visual Languages are directly linked to teeny-weenie. I think it's an inherited attribute, direct from Billie Bob.
-Sorry, that was pretty lame..
Try Makefiles! :)
perl helps my love life. my boyfriend was a perl programmer long before i got into it, and for the longest time i'd go to him for help when i was just learning. it turned him on so much to hear me talk about perl, and even linux, that on several occasions he'd have to run out of the room and take care of his business before he could even answer my question! [this would only happen on those occasions when we weren't together. when we were, i'd be detained from my task also.] he still gives me these funny little looks when i start talking about my machine, programming, etc.
:-)
i realize this was just a funny april fools joke, but its kind of ironic that it really has relevance in my love life
the penguin will eat you.
Looking for love in all the wrong places.
*sigh*
- W
WTDIMore than one Wrong way...
nice one dark lolololol