Slashdot Mirror
Where Does a Geek Find a Social Life?
JustShootMe writes "I have a question for my fellow Slashdotters, and yes, I realize I am entering the lion's den covered in tasty meat-flavored sauce. I have never been a very social person, preferring to throw myself into technology; therefore, I've been spectacularly unsuccessful in developing any meaningful interpersonal relationships. Lately I have begun to feel that this situation is not tenable, and I would like to fix it. But I really don't know how and haven't the faintest idea where to start. I know that I am in the minority and that there are many different kinds of Slashdot readers, most of whom have more experience in this realm than I do. So please tell me: how, and more importantly, where do you meet fellow geeks — preferably including some of the opposite gender — in meatspace?"
I don't know where you'd meet a woman in realspace, since I met my wife on-line. But that was 29 years ago, so that old trick probably won't work any more.
John
don't call it meatspace, it freaks out the normal people.
You could start by not ASKING SLASHDOT...
Craigslist....choose, but choose wisely.
Go to a dance instructor. You've got the money. Pay for lessons. Then go to group dance lessons. Meet people there and then get groups going to dance clubs.
All your problems will disappear.
Unless you're a girl. All the above assumes you're a boy. You're a boy, right? OK, then go learn to dance.
If you attend church (fat chance of someone who uses slashdot doing that I know) then that would provide a good starting point. If you have a job then you can maybe organize a get-together after work with the guys. Being that the people are from the workplace, you could probably invite some women and they wouldn't feel as uncomfortable because they know you from work. The cafe' area in a Barnes and Noble might be a good place too. These aren't necessarily geared toward technology but if you are looking for women you basically have to avoid technology anyway.
this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom. -- Lincoln, Gettysburg Address
Eric Raymond's famous essays on relationships and the modern geek: http://www.catb.org/~esr/writings/sextips/
Linux groups would be a good bet for meeting more geeks. Something that help me get out of my shell at an early age was a martial arts club. Most times you will find they have a good set of values and a nice sense of community. Also it helps with self esteem. I have found this question to have a snow ball response. Once you start getting out and enlarging your comfort zone things can grow quickly. Checking out events in your area and region with social network sites and local arts events / classes can also go a long way. Approaching new people is easier when you are approachable, be friendly smile make eye contact and most of all simple complements. Oh and getting a 2nd job in a bar will change you for life.
Search for a local lanparty, you should have plenty in common with folks there. I founded one of the largest in Australia as a university club, and ten years later some of my best mates today I met there.
You won't meet too many girls, but you might build a social network that gets you out and about :)
and look for a wall
Great way to connect with local people of like minds.
There's a wonderful world of people out there, safely screened by the most effective condom of all -- ASCII.
. . . the book store.
My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the seashore.
First of all, don't talk like you do in your summary. Using overly precise words will freak normal people out (Geeks tend to find it pretentious, as well.) Find a local geek hangout spot, hang back and observe. Smile when something is amusing, laugh when it's funny. Say nothing until you feel comfortable. Do this until you are having a conversation. Repeat conversations until you are invited to activities with people. Repeat until you have friends. But most of all, throw your research away, stop asking Slashdot like you're preparing a technical writeup...and Relax! People are fun.
Take up an outdoor sport.
If you can find something that you like to do you will meet other people who like the same thing and friendships will develop. I met a future girlfriend while mountain biking...
And as you tread the halls of sanity, You feel so glad to be, Unable to go beyond. I have a message, From another time..
Many major cities have bookstores and gaming shops that have regular singles events. Boston's Pandemonium Books for example has a singles night every few months. Also, conventions and similar events are a great way to meet people (whether or not one has any interest due to their gender). However if you are going to cons just to meet people of your interested gender you will a) come across as creepy and b) not succeed. So only go to them if you would enjoy that sort of thing anyways.
The above advice is somewhat narrowly tailored to the geeks who are not just tech people but also geeks in the more general sense of interests. If one is a tech geek but not interested in scifi/fantasy/gaming etc. then you have fewer outlets. In which case, dating websites may be your best bet.
Not using terms like meatspace. Really. Where are we, the fridge?
That is where you'll find someone to love you. Cheers, Doug
Why limit yourself to geeks? I spent years at various Universities trying and failing to meet women and it wasn't until I started doing stuff outside of my normal group that I did. I took up figure skating of all things and met my future wife. Now you may ask why a red blooded male would take up figure skating. Same reason I did cookery at school. No red blooded male would do them so there were loads of females and no competition.
Get out, take up a social activity. A friend of mine in a similar situation took up dancing and ended up meeting lots of girls too.
"I have the attention span of a strobe lit goldfish, please get to the point quickly!"
http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=176
There are no perfect answers, only the right questions. More questions at http://foresightandhindsight.blogspot.com/
Some ideas:
If you're unafraid of your klutziness, join a dance troupe. Or a theatre group. You'd be surprised; most such organizations desperately need someone to do lighting and such, and are woefully ignorant of basics. So if you can wire a lightswitch, can follow a script, you can be a stagehand or a technical director.
Volunteer for trail building. OK, this only works if you're an outdoor person, but that's where the sort of women I like hang out. You can build a trail in a local park, get to work next to some really good looking women, and perhaps have something to talk about - especially if you can keep your mouth shut and listen to eco babble about salmon runs and invasive species.
Or....
Anyway, find an activity that's not a dating meatmarket. Someplace where your social awkwardness (if such exists) is irrelevant, where you're working toward a common goal, and pretty soon you'll find some fellow tree planter or trail builder or invasive-species puller is asking you to come out next weekend to do something else.
The whole idea is that if you set out to find "fellow geeks" you'll end up in a room full of guys with stilted conversations about geek stuff. If you set out to do something different, and are honest and accepting and funny about your ineptitude, you will meet some really cool people.
For starters...How old are you? Where do you live? What do you do for a living?
For instance, I'm in my late 20s, work at a giant news organization's HQ, and I live in Queens but work in Manhattan. So getting into a social scene in a place like NYC was extremely easy for me because all I had to do was go out with some people from work a few times and branch off from there.
If you are 45, live in a rural area, and work out of your house...then we have a different problem.
Building friendships and relationships required some skills. Including communication, trust, empathy, listening, and others.
If you're in your 20's and don't have these skills, go see a therapist.
Seriously.
Spend some time working though whatever issues you have and building the skills you need to be balanced and happy.
The rest will come naturally.
Yoga. Namaste.
Say hello to my little sig.
be freindly and leave your ego at the door. Also go out of your way to meet people so that people know your there - voluntary work tends to be pretty good for that. So in summary; increase your incidence of meeting people while trying to leave as many good impressions as you can (do good and nice things).
If you manage to enjoy yourself while you do these two things (chances are you will) it should take care of itself.
Online dating is no longer for nerds and social introverts. Everyone's getting on the bandwagon. There are literally hundreds of online meeting/dating sites, ranging from find a friend all the way through to the wildest fetish you could imagine and some you couldn't. There's even a site dedicated to helping guys find "girl gamers". Pick a site that meets your needs, has a fairly strong local population, and preferably some kind of forum which will allow you to converse with like-minded people.
There are some free sites, some that charge on a subscription basis, and some that charge per contact. At the end of the day, paying a few dollars to meet someone is money well spent - you could go to a bar and spend 100 a night buying random people drinks with no effect.
Just read the warnings on the site regarding fraud, harassment, and so on, then write a few creative paragraphs about yourself, a few happy snaps, and away you go!
If you're a college kid, I know there are some opposite gendered geeks there. Also, try going to cons, LUGS and other geek meatings. :D
www.OkCupid.com seems to be fairly decent. So does meetup.com, many cities have singles groups. And more many people here, wrongplanet.net.
Simple do what Bill Gates and Steve Jobs did.
1: Create a huge tech company
2: Engage Human Resources
3: Pick a girl out of company cafeteria line.
4: Have lots of kids right away.
5: PROFIT!!
First, as several people have suggested, join a non-technology related club: ballroom dancing, biking, yoga, painting class, church, etc.
Second start reading the tabloids at the supermarket: Us Weekly, People, etc. It's mostly shallow articles about shallow people, but being able to break the ice with the mutual interest in the club, and then joke about celebrities a bit does wonders for making you seem like a well rounded guy and avoid awkward silences.
The need is huge, the hands very limited, and the job has awesome fringe benefits: you like the person in the mirror and you work with some people who are willing to stop yakking long enough to actually help people.
Lacking <sarcasm> tags,
You can learn to talk to girls in random places like bookstores, coffee shops, or bus stops.
As a first step, for practice, if a random girl is next to you, say something like "hi" or "how's it going?" or "nice weather today" or "do you know what time it is?" Don't say anything else after that. It's just practice. You're just being friendly.
The key step will be learning to read her vibes in the way she responds. You can tell whether or not she's open to talking more. If she lights up and says, "good, how are you doing?" then you can try saying one more thing. Then you can read her vibes again, and if they remain positive then you can try talking a little more.
Occasionally this will lead to a pretty good conversation that lasts a few minutes. If you're still getting good vibes at that point, try saying, "do you mind if I get your email?" She'll expect this. If she gives it to you, just say thanks and have a nice day, then walk away.
Nerd fun Boston. Its not a singles/dating group but the name is a filter.
http://www.meetup.com/NerdFunBoston/
And if you don't meet anyone, you'll at least learn something
(disclaimer: I'm affiliated with said group...)
obviously, this option is unacceptable to many.
but my church family has really helped me overcome most of my social awkwardness.
We wouldn't be here. dumbass.
I was in the same situation a few years ago. (And it was starting to affect my mental health in ways that couldn't end well)
My solution was; I moved to Japan and put myself in a situation where I was forced to deal with other people to manage daily life, and by trying to learn a (rather difficult) language I had the excuse not to be an excellent at talking with people. This allowed me to gradually build up my verbal communication skills and deal with my paranoia, etc.
This might however been a bit over the top for some people.
- These characters were randomly selected.
don't ask other geeks....
its like going to a doctor who is fat, asking how to lose weight.... ;)
Learned to play the guitar (badly). Learned to dance (just enough to look and feel confident). Learned to cook, and present the output nicely on a plate. Got fit. Ignore any fad diets, the best way is to grab a "Get fit for the army" type poster from your local armed forces office and *follow* it. Went to lots of parties. If you can't get any invites, start some of your own. Relax. It takes time for you to become more personable and socially aware. It takes time for people you meet to know you. Outcome? Epic win. I'm going out with a British model, who is also a programmer!
I met my first serious girlfriend of 5 years on what used to be Yahoo Personals (I think it's still around or it's probably Match.com powered now).
My most recent (going on 3 years) girlfriend who I would consider my long term partner I met on Craigslist.org. I know it sounds lame but finding someone who was smart and shared at least a few similar interests is a challenge especially when your passion is technology.
Might be worth a try?
It takes time to get your posts right before you get responses. The best advice I can give if you try your hand at online dating is share a picture within an email or two, and make sure to meet up in person as opposed to developing a relationship via email first. People tend to be different when you meet them in person. Get out there and go on as many dates as you can. You'll find someone for you.
And people who make fun of you for trying are lonely and miserable and they are just projecting onto you because you're trying to correct your situation!
Good for you!
Perhaps it has been so long that it just seems like Slashdot use to be an actual site you could turn to every day and read a nice cross section of laypeople and industry experts discussing interesting technology topics.
Can't all these inane 'Ask Slashdot' - aka Please Give Me Attention!!! articles be done away with?
Just. Fucking. Google. It.
find one. pay for a membership (it's polite). Reserve a room and spend the weekend there. mingle, to to some panels, visit the con suite and room parties. debate the relative merits of Captain Piccard vs. Captain Kirk or is Six hotter than 7 of 9 or whatever is the custom these days. lotsa fun.
Take a hobby you enjoy then find a group/club in your area for your hobby. Look over their calendar and attend one of their events, ideally a new member meet and greet. Talk with the people there about the aforementioned hobby. If the experience was enjoyable, continue attending events hosted by the club, you will learn of many other similar events through them. If it was not enjoyable troubleshot then find a different club and try again taking into account the results of your troubleshooting. This should give you the social experience you are looking for.
Where do you live? This is an honest factor. If you live in the midwest, girls tend to like generic douchebags more. Along the west coast and especially northern california, i think girls are much more attracted to nerdy, geeky, or unique people. and by unique i DO NOT mean liberal hipsters!! and by golly are they hot
Depending on how old you are, this might be creepy or not. Keep in mind, the later in the evening the classes are, the older the students.
You know, as a geek, you probably have a degree of some kind. As such, you would probably be more than welcome back at university. Apply for enrollment at your local place of higher learning and pick up some interesting classes. If you spin it right, you might even be able to get your employer to pay for it.
Try languages. French, Spanish and Italian are useful and will get you interacting with people. They also work really well to pad out a resume. You will be AMAZED at how many women you will find in non computer/physics/engineering classes. Another good one is ballroom dancing. Comparative literature classes are mostly big discussion groups with a preset theme that any good geek can research. Try some of the phys-ed classes. Fencing is fun and can add to your geek cred. Some schools offer SCUBA diving courses. Art or painting classes are fun.
Of course, with enrollment you also have a free or cheap gym membership. Gyms are not good places to meet women. It's considered a social faux pas. However, it is a good place to meet people to be friends with. There's also usually a student union building with pool tables, bowling alleys and games.
Many nerds, not too good looking and desperate for meat.
Or you first could develop interest in things that are considered to be more attraktive to the opposite sex ... like art, languages, philosophy, etc. and slowly learn how to play the game and look the part
I would recommend to start asking more questions, ask for help and advice, or even just ask for directions some time. You asked a question here, and look how many conversations have been started for you :-)
If you try something and it fails, you can always reload from a previous saved game. If only real life were like that... "Wow, that didn't go over well. ctrl-z! ctrl-z!"
Kwisatz Haderach
Sell the spice to CHOAM
This Mahdi took Shaddam's Throne
You might try joining a club of some variety. they are depending on the subject a great place to meet people just as geeky as yourself and frankly they will probably be in a similar social boat too. I met my fiancée at the local anime club and several geeky friends as well.
Sigs are too short to say anything truly profound so read the above post instead.
What do you mean the situation is not tenable (i.e. maintainable). If you don't do anything, or if you do the wrong things, the situation will stay as it is---maintaining the status quo is easy as pie.
As to why you should give up, the answer is roughly that you probably don't have anything to offer to women. Firstly, note that only about 40% of men reproduced compared to twice that percentage for women (as inferred from mitochondrial DNA), so you're in a man's normal condition.
For some contemporary evidence that women don't need most men, just look around to notice that in general women don't hit on men sexually. Often women will only have sex with men for the first time after large amounts of alchohol. There's no culture where women pursue men instead of vice versa, so this is not merely a fact about western culture. There's also plenty of chemical evidence (e.g. women get testosterone treatment to increase their sex drive).
In fact, scientific studies (tracking eye movements) show that both straight women and straight men are more turned on by a naked women than naked men (see Matt Ridley's The Red Queen for a discussion).
Finally, studies usually find that married men are much happier than unmarried men, but married women are usually no happier once the financial contribution of the man is deducted (here for example). Furthermore, married men but not women live longer and are healthier.
So anyway, I can see why you want a woman, but in general that's usually a selfish decision for a guy. Why not come to terms with your condition and lead a meaningful life in another way?
Astronomy, R/C cars, boats or aircraft, Linux association. Go to the monthly meetings. Be prepared to put up with some who have less social skills than you. Avoid fiercely competitive clubs like chess clubs.
A technical photography class will give you access to artists as well as geeks.
These posts express my own personal views, not those of my employer
Pretty much all the standard geek activities and interests are available in meat-space versions. Are you into anime, science fiction, comics, board gaming, computer gaming, or programming? There's probably a meetup, a store-based community, a club at a local university, and an annual convention for that, all within an hour of you if you're in or near a major city.
Media that can be recorded and distributed can be recorded and distributed.
-kfg
Apart from the fake auto-generated responses that come at exactly 1 in the morning starting 14 days before your account is due to expire.
Technology is one of my passions, but not my life. I found God - the Lord gives me the ability to mingle with society as the techie I am without the fear of what people will think or how they will react...
Join a (sports) club - the most common way to meet people. Real people. And don't worry if you're not that physically strong; join a cards or chess club or so: mind sports are also sports. As geek you probably have the brains for it. And especially when joining a mind sport club you have a good chance there are males and females playing together.
Often joining groups or participating in ongoing activities yields quite a few new friends. Sometimes attending a large church with activities for your age group will get you a lot of dates and contacts. Crafting groups also have quite a few female members as a rule.
Obviously activities that most women avoid will not cause your social life to swell with females. If you want gold head for a gold mine. For example look at how many females volunteer for charity car wash events. Wash some cars and accomplish some good for others and make friends with the girls. How can you go wrong? Doing a lot of dancing can also change your life as the ladies have difficulty finding men who really can dance.
Seriously. A good therapist can help you by pointing you to the right sources, help you figure out anything that may be behind it. Also, a therapist of the appropriately opposite sex can let you develop some skills in dealing with them in a controlled, safe, way.
Firstly, don't use terms like "meatspace" in, er, meatspace.
although the 20 years I spent playing role-playing games and the fact that I'm on /. on Sunday night would indicate otherwise...
but...
I met my wife of 12 years at church. She's a math teacher, a bigger fan of science fiction than I am, and a strong believer as well.
She's also a hottie.
Look around, and you'll probably find a church that's compatible with your belief system, and most have singles groups of some sort. This is probably not that good of an option if you're looking for quick sex, but you may find a soulmate instead.
And for you Pastafarians, well, there's always Olive Garden. :)
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
You are immediately perceived as more interesting when outside your own country.
Go outside. No, not into meatspace, outside.
There are people there. Say hi to one. If she's cute ask her what her name is.
Bitches are crazy, don't bother.
Dorkbot
If you live in a geek-friendly city, try http://www.dorkbot.org/ (the idea is not to be social, but to do "Strange things with Electricity", but you meet a lot of artist/geek types and will probably be appreciated for your geekiness in that crowd.
Tech Conferences
Go to technical conferences (e.g., SIGGRAPH, etc.) in areas that interest you (or your own field). Find out what social events are going on at night and join them. You may not meet many girls, but you might meet like-minded geeks. [The TCL conference that I attended one year had the most fascinating group of dedicated people I've ever seen anywhere.]
Ballroom
Take ballroom dance classes. M/F ratio is excellent (in favor of M), and engineer/geek types seem drawn to this activity. You will also learn excellent social communication skills (dance is all about communication) and inadvertently meet girls.
Sailing
Geeks/engineers seem to be drawn to sailing. There may be relatively cheap sailing clubs in your area.
Dungeons & Dragons
This should be obvious. Even if you're not drawn to the game, you will meet fellow geek types who socialize this way... Sci-fi conventions might afford the same thing, although I have not tried this.
[Most these assume you live in a large-ish city. I'm stuck in a smaller city where most of these don't apply]
Get a dog. - Gordon Gecko
Sig this!
Take SCUBA lessons.
If you're lucky enough to have any single girls in the class, you'll immediately have something in common and you'll both be doing something that's fun and that you're both new at, which puts you both on equal footing.
SCUBA is something you can do together when you're not doing the geek-thing, and it's generally done in small groups or just the two of you, so you won't need to deal with every goober on the planet that's "reel gud wit cumpooters" (unlike trolling the bars).
If you don't have any single girls in class get certified anyway, since you'll almost always find them on dive boats, and they usually appreciate a hand with heavy stuff like tanks and weights. As an added bonus, everybody looks like crap when they get out of the water, so female divers aren't generally the stuck-up appearance-obsessed type.
It doesn't matter where you go, or what you do. Just start talking, and when it feels awkward, and people give weird feedback, don't take it personally, move on, and try again. After a while, you'll be person of character, and able to interact meaningfully with everyone.
Its really very easy: Ask her. That is what I did. It works surprisingly well.
Oddly, it works better the worse you are at doing it. There is something beguiling about the clumsy, shy boy working up the nerve to ask.
And stop that silliness about looking for geek-girls. Look for girls, *then* check for geek status. Geeks come in all stripes.
And finally, ask her. Half the time she'll say no. You can certainly live with those odds.
Flip on a TV. Watch some touchy-feely story and you'll inevitably see women doing all kinds of crap. Now, this is partly because the camera crew knows that they are easy on the eyes, but they're there.
If you're religious, even mildly, or even somewhat anti-religious, church is outstanding. Think about it from their point of view: making babies is the #1 means of recruitment.
If you like animals, you are set. Just go to your local animal shelter. If you're a little loopy, try PETA. Likewise, environmentalist groups are a dime a dozen and the less you know about the environment, the better.
If you're political, there are plenty of girls on both the right and left. I'd recommend sticking with campaigns for major candidates to avoid nutters, but if you're a nutter, go for it.
If you can teach _anything_ do that. People need job skills and fscking around with Office is a job skill. Volunteering at a local school is great; so many teachers are women that men actually benefit from affirmative action in the public school system.
If you can play an instrument, join a band. Avoid the drugs.
And even if you have absolutely no talent, you can always volunteer at a homeless shelter.
One caveat: go in with a plan. Say you'll stick with whatever you choose for a few months. If you don't meet anyone, try something else. Don't feel obligated to whoever you're volunteering with, and most of all, realize that wanting a relationship is a perfectly good reason to do this stuff.
Wife #1: Took community college courses in tennis and volleyball when recovering from a motorcycle accident. Lots of single women there.
Wife #2: IRC
Another suggestion: volunteer for your favorite flavor of politics. And if not into politics, some other form of volunteering.
to meeting fellow geeks? Expand your horizons. Pick activities that interest you. Join clubs that center around such activities. Sailing, hiking, rock collecting, whatever. You'll meet interesting people. Don't worry about being accepted. Bill Gates made being a geek fashionable.
more cowbell
Most good relationships last because the two people are compatible. And compatibility tends to be correlated with having some common interests. Therefore, you should probably factor in some things about yourself when trying to interact with other people. So if you are into staying in shape, go to a gym. If you are a Christian (or other religion) get involved in a small group. Personally I still go down town and bar hopping but tend to meet just as many worthwhile people in small groups that I've gone to.
Yes, you'll encounter a cackle of post-menopausal earth mothers. But even the lesbians will know some straight singles your age.
Start looking at the concepts related to the pickup artist community. They provide a proven record of advise that if applied correctly can assist someone in your situation. Many of the concepts that they apply to women can be used in communication with anyone.
Start with "The Game" by Neil Strauss and then move on from there.
http://www.amazon.com/Game-Penetrating-Secret-Society-Artists/dp/0060554738
If you have friends who are going to go hang out, just go with them. Never say no to going anywhere. Try new stuff. Bars are great with friends, talk to whoever you're sitting next to. Just smile, say hi, ask what kind of work they do/school. Little stuff like that. You can do eet!
Go outside and do things you enjoy doing. See who else is there enjoying the same thing. Engage in non-creepy conversation inspired by current environment. See what happens.
Photography is a nice blend of technology, creativity, and getting out in the world. Hookup with a local meetup group (Flickr has an active one that meets in Chicago I go to) and enjoy. If nothing else, while you're out shooting, it's a great conversation starter of 'hey, can I take your picture?' If you get good at it, people will be asking for you to take their picture, and it builds on itself.
Bonus points for using film instead of digital (get that chemistry thing going).
Do you have hobbies that don't involve computers, those might be a good place to start. Of course, I do know of people who met women through their non-computing hobbies as well (WOW dating, who would'a though).
A lot of it depends on you. Your age, your interests, your taste in women, and of course your attitude. If you just want to meet people, you could try Plenty of Fish. I've found that since it doesn't charge, there's less interest in nickel-and-diming you and it's easier to meet people. Meeting people, of course, being an important prequisite to dating. Now saying so might sound like an "oh duh" thing, but in reality way too many people hit the scene or the net looking for a partner when they haven't even hit the friendship stage. In that case, you pretty much end up being in the "desperate" category, and meet people who are much the same. It's not always a bad thing, but not always the best place to start either. It's amazing how easy it is to "just meet somebody" when you've got a schedule full of friends (who may have friends who are interested in you). For more of a dating scene than a meeting scene, you could perhaps try Geek to Geek
Moving away from the online scene and back to common interests, how about things like book groups, sci-fi cons, anime cons, or whatever else along those lines may float your boat.
And of course, as a final possibility, there's always an age-old suggestion from IRC. As a good portion of my friends are foreigners, and my SO is from China, I'd say that suggestion works for me. I also have a few friends who have gone to Japan, etc and apparently "white guys" (which is an assumption on my part, but most slashdotters seem to be SWM's) are a pretty hot commodity over there, and body-type isn't even a huge fact in that (if my friends are any basis to go by).
Screw 'normies'. Find other nerds with common interests.
Don't be cocky though - it's annoying. Do group things - dancing, classes, anything really, Introduce yourself to people - it'll feel awkward, but most of them will be pleased. Remember names - saying a person's name in a sentence 3 times shortly after meeting them helps. Be polite - please, thank you, hold open doors, etc. Don't be cocky - it's annoying.* This helps you meet people - beyond that is up to you - but it's ok, no one else knows what they're doing either. -- *I typed it twice because it's important.
Before you start meeting physical women, visualize in your mind what an ideal sort of person you would enjoy being with. Be realistic. Visualize what an ideal date might be, an ideal weekend together. Commit to the fact that you really want to do these things. Until you know what you actually want in another person you're likely to push away the very people you should be trying to draw in closer.
"It's the height of ridiculousness to say for those 9 lines you get hundreds of millions."
Guitar Hero Tournament.
Seriously... lots of geeks I've met love action packed martial arts movies. Why not go learn some of that stuff yourself? Martial arts schools are great social environments, get you in really good shape, and build a tremendous amount of self confidence & coordination. Those last two are the big things socially awkward geeks are usually lacking. What better place to gain them?
Seriously, you may be a geek, but that doesn't mean your life is limited to doing only geeky things. Go for a run on some trails, go to a bookstore and try reading some literature. Most universities have free talks and lectures that are open to the public. Through this, you meet tons of people. You could also, you know, talk to people at work about non-work related things.
I used to sit at home and do only geeky things, and frankly I wasn't happy. It was only when I started learning to cook, paint, running and seeing a live performance at a theatre that I became happier person. In addition, my GF and I got to know each other at work by talking about what we did for fun outside of work.
Just because you might spend your work days working with computers doesn't mean the rest of your life is limited to that, there is more to life than numbers and code.
A really nice way to meet new people, then if some meeting of twitters is organized on your area you can absolutely meet the geeks you follow in person, including male and female :P
You get rich off some geek shit and getting laid is easy from there. The rest comes with it.
Get involved in volunteering. It's probably not a direct and easy way to hook up, but if it's something you believe in it gives you a little common ground with the people in the group you're working with as well as another dimension to your character you can share in conversation elsewhere.
Have heard tell, for example, that some political campaigns were almost as much college-age social mixers as they were about getting the candidate elected.
Seriously, the first step is leaving the basement. Second, just talk to people. You can practice by greeting random strangers, with a simple hello, while walking down the street.
You may be surprised how interesting the people around you at work, or school, are. That is only if you take a few minutes out of your day to talk to the people around you. You do not have to pigeonhole yourself into only making friends with technology-minded geeks for social interaction. There are 40 people in our department and although not all of them are techs, every single one of them geeks out over some hobby. Off the top of my head I work with people who are: car racing enthusiasts, a few weekend BBQ pit-masters; one guy home-brews his own beer; another guy hacks digital cameras to take astronomy photos; there is a MacGyver wanna-be that can fix or build just about anything; film enthusiasts; there are softball and bowling leaguers; habitual video gamers, and so on.
What makes most people interesting is the ability to carry on a conversation about something other than work, or computers for more than a few minutes. If one does not have some sort of hobby or interests, outside of programming or working on computers, then it isn't much of an attractive personality to peers or potential mates for that matter. Not only will taking up a hobby or interest, boost your amount of conversational fodder, it is a good renewal to just unwind from work or school. In other words, if all you can talk about is Linux, Perl, or work, people might just start avoiding you.
As for meeting women, you don't have to go to smelly bars to meet them. Women are everywhere, and in most places they outnumber the men 2:1. It sounds like you may need to work on some personal development, and maybe your confidence a bit, before you start approaching any of them. There are better places to get advice than from Slashdot though.
/^([Ss]ame [Bb]at (time, |channel.)){2}$/
You really have to read this and have Google Images open elsewhere wtih pictures of ESR to appreciate the humour fully.
Umm, you don't perhaps want to give up now do you?
Still listening? Sigh! Biology has you by the balls, eh?
Ok. First off. Wash. Squeaky clean, shaved and no smells.
Next, practice. Practice on a captive chained wage slave.... I mean till operator.
Practice, being polite, nice, more interested in what they are interested in than in yourself, complimentary. You know that incredibly boring weather and hair stuff smalltalk (not the OOP language) you hate? Get over that and practice anyway. Not about tech, not about what's wrong with your life, but what the girl is saying, doing, thinking.
Be always squeaky clean and nice. The next step is tricky... you see, men deceive themselves that they can get the girls. It's the other way round. Human biology works the other way.
Men merely demonstrate that they at least have some capability of being molded into a domesticated breeding partner.... and then the girls take their pick.
Thereafter make yourself available. Place yourself in contexts where the opposite gender exist. Going to Linux meetings or motorbike meets is not what I mean. Church socials are an excellent place, visit married friends (with eligible friends and sisters), ...
Umm, let be a bit clearer.. Nature's course is some girl will attempt to mold you like putty. Change what you wear and how, what you eat, how you live, what you do etc. If you show you are (to the appropriate degree) pliable...AND more interested in what she is doing and saying than your tech.
She may decide you are marriagable material.
Still here? Sure you don't want a new netbook instead? Or perhaps an inflatable friend?
Sigh! Girls, they're the ultimate bait and switch.
And NO, you not having my wife, get your own. I may grumble, but I wouldn't swop her for anything. Not even a new motorbike.
Go to RA or JT Schmidt's at The District (in Irvine) for Happy Hour on either Thursday or Friday. RA has good sushi and a good mix of people. JT Schmidt's has a bunch of TVs all playing sports and the appropriately matching crowd, but not obnoxious like Newport. I have no affiliation with any of the aforementioned businesses - I go there most Thursdays or Fridays with my fellow IT geeks.
Where does a geek go to LOSE a social life? I want my geek card back.
just man up and stop being a pussy. Stop wearing shitty clothes, take a shower, wear deodorant. It's really not that hard.
<happiness>beer</happiness>
Get out and do things, anything really.
Nobody just shows up to your door and asks if you want to date or hang out.
Lots of above posters have suggested great things. The biggest thing to remember is to just DO SOMETHING.
Go to a class - cooking, dancing, photography, poetry, reading, etc
Develop a physical hobby - working out, martial arts, running, biking, climbing, hiking, tennis, soccer, basketball, softball
Go to a book store
Go to the mall
Go to a bar
Go to a club
Yes, online works too. Match.com, craigslist, meetup, etc etc
If you want to do geeky things, find a D&D game, or a LAN party, or whatever
Probably the best place to find geeky girls is on a college campus. Go find out where the engineering and computer science departments are or find out where those people like to get together.
The thing about being social is - you just have to BE social. Put yourself in social activities and social situations and you will have the opportunity to be social!
Get outside and do things
I've always found being covered in tasty, meat-flavored sauce is a good way to break the ice in any social setting.
You request lacks the most important aspect: you!
How can "we" give you advice if we don't know what you like and what you enjoy? Socializing is about sharing and exploring - and you want to do something that suits your personality and your interests.
So instead of bending over and trying to do "something" social just to meet people will feel awkward for you and your fellow socialites.
First ask yourself if there are any less geeky things you enjoy or would love to explore? Then dive into these things. If you have fun and a passion for something it's easier to socialize and find new people.
Don't try stuff you simply dislike to meet the ladies - they will smell your awkwardness instantly.
If you find yourself too geeky or unable to find any non-geek topics then join a social, environmental or political cause with your full geek powers and throw yourself in. To volunteer for something is a great way to meet people and the ladies - and you might enjoy your own geekiness and doing something "good" while socializing ... (just make sure not to confuse socializing with fixing everybodies computers).
If you like animals then get a dog - I hardly know any better "tool" (apart from babies) to make the ladies go "Uhhh" and "Ahhh" ... and talk to you.
For those of us geeks that like anime try http://www.otakubooty.com/ to find people in your area.
A social life isn't just something you can walk into. Like anything else you need to build up experience before you can succeed at it. You'll fail spectacularly at first but you need to try to learn what you did wrong and gradually improve your techniques until you succeed. There's a few resources, like read some psychology books, read "How to make friends and influence people", and maybe watch the tv series "The Pick Up Artist" where a guy exposes how he turned his life around from being a geek to being a pickup artist.
The main thing is that you need to put yourself out there, get noticed, maybe carry around interesting conversation pieces with you, and every now and then an opportunity will come along.
Australian running a company that does C# / C++ / Java / SQL / Python / Mathematica
First of all, you will not be as successful in your career if you aren't socially adept. I'm an Engineer, and I spend about 50% of my time at work doing social things - meetings, proposals, talking to vendors, working with technicians, technologists, and tradespersons. Another 30% of my time is shopping - procuring parts, calling suppliers, etc. Most of the rest is inspecting drawings, and I'd say that at a max, 1% is technical work that I learned at school and I give that to co-op students.
Second, you will not be successful in your career if you do nothing but that all the time. A tagline I saw here was, "would you trust a brain surgeon that tinkered on animals for fun in his spare time?" There are very good suggestions in this thread, and you should start a "down tools" policy at home. NO CODING. Make dinner for yourself to start. Learn to play a musical instrument and join a community band (some offer free lessons to beginner players.). Take up a sport where you work with other people.
The good news is that, in DnD terms, CHA is a stat that can be faked and it gains by use. The more you fake it, the less you have to fake it because you'll actually get better at the social aspects of interpersonal relationships.
I am married and have two kids, for what that's worth.
---
ECHELON is a government program to find words like bomb, jihad, plutonium, assassinate, and anarchy.
Please don't comment on stories in which you have no interest.
Ok, not opposite sex specifically (I'm married with 2 kids), but been feeling kind of isolated at times. At work, I'm stuck in a windowless office in the back of the server room all day. The server room's AC means that I need to shut my door (or get frozen out). The end result is that I'll often leave work at the end of the day having had no real face to face conversations. Then I come home, shift into "dad/husband gear" and do "dad/husband things" for the rest of the day (cook dinner, play with kids, change diapers, get kids in bed, etc). I like my work life and I like my "dad/husband" life, but I miss having a non-family social life. I don't have any actual friends where I live and no family. (I moved to be closer to my wife so she has friends/family here.) I'd like to be able to discuss issues that interest me (e.g. copyright laws and geeky movies) without my wife rolling her eyes. (She tries hard to put up with it, but for all her patience, she's just not into some of those topics.) In my case, it would be "how does one find local, off-line friends with similar interests."
My sci-fi novel, Ghost Thief, is now available from Amazon.com.
I would seriously consider finding other interests that you may have outside of the IT space. Sign up to a salsa dancing club or some other social setting where you are comfortable being in and also have an interest in. You might find it easier to approach the other sex when your having fun and sharing in an activity that promotes more of a social interaction.
I concur with learning to dance. But forget about ballroom...too stuffy. And you're not cool enough for hip-hop, booty0shakin club dancing. (which really isn't all that social anyway) Swing dancing is the place to be. Almost every decently-sized city has a pretty good swing-dancing scene. The lindy scene (a sub-genre of swing dancing) is chock full of geek guys and chicks who love them. Your best bet is to search for the weekly dance put on by the same group that puts on your city's "lindy exchange". Yeah, don't worry about that that means yet, just google "[my city/largest nearby city] lindy exchange" Now, from there, click around until you find where they have their weekly dance. They almost always have a free beginner lesson before the dances. Go. You don't need a partner. The classes always rotate partners so by the end of the 30-minutes to an hour, you'll have danced with everyone in the class several times.
Now here's the real sweet part. After the class, the "real" dance starts and all the "good" dancers will show up. They'll be waaaaay better than you and you'll be intimidated and want to hide in the corner. F*ck that. Remember all those chicks you just danced with in class? Go grab one (If you can't remember who they were, they'll be the chicks hiding in the corners) and ask her to dance. You'll be her hero! If you dance with every girl who was in the class (let's say about 15, on average) at about 3-minutes per song, that works out to about 45 minutes of socializing with NOTHING BUT the opposite sex. That's probably your current weekly quota filled in one freakin night.
Now go home, beat off, and come back next week. After about 3 months, you'll be the one skipping the beginner lessons, coming in late, and intimidating the newbies.
http://www.google.com/search?q=geek+dating
Comment removed based on user account deletion
"a fellow geek" may limit your options quite a bit. Is church out of the question for you?
I also recommend community theatre. As stated above, you can do something techy, such as lighting or sound; you don't have to be able to act, sing, dance, memorize lines, direct, or take direction. I have been doing sound effects and sound reinforcement for local community theatre groups since 1989, and I have met a lot of very interesting people.
If you can double as a rehearsal pianist you will be in considerable demand.
I work in software, but I try to stay balanced outside of work. I play in rock bands, orchestras, latin groups, piano/organ at church, sing in choirs (any type), etc. Never made a dime at it, but I enjoy it. I do graphic design. I write poetry. I compose and arrange music. I participate in and direct church activities (outings, classes for children, holiday events, ...). I volunteer as a translator (Spanish). I'm a decent cook. I'm getting good at architecture, and I'm expanding my newest house to match my designs.
I was doing all of these long before I got married. Purely as a consequence of my many activities, I met my wife (I was playing piano at a church activity). She's a dancer and choreographer and teacher (I'm not any of those), but many of her hobbies and interests coincide with mine (music, Spanish, same church, sushi and Thai food and Mexican food, etc.). If I hadn't been involved in the arts, it never would have happened.
My point: if you want to meet someone compatible with you, you need something to be compatible about. If the only thing you do is things related to your work, you're more likely to find a business partner than someone to marry. You need things going on in your life. It makes a relationship more interesting and lasting.
Bad at dancing? That's OK. Most guys are. As long as I make a convincing effort, she's happy ;-). Is my wife any good at music? No. But since she's also in the arts, she understands my interest in my hobbies, and doesn't interfere with them. And of course the other winners are our daughters, who now are learning everything both of us know, and more (black belt in martial arts, speaking Russian, ...).
Join a kickball league (cheap), or buy a sailboat and hang out there on weekends. The with amount of time you spend outdoors fixing expen$ive shit on your boat you're bound to make some new acquaintances (though doesn't leave you much beer money). If that fails there's always baseball, softball and ultimate frisbee (but you need to own equipment to play those sports). Most of these activities are a) outdoors b) involve exercise, even in small spurts and c) cost in the range of $20-100 a month - about what a gym membership costs.
moox. for a new generation.
* Check your area for various clubs and activities, of the sort where you can meet geeky girls. Ren faires, anime clubs and conventions, gaming clubs, steampunk conventions (seriously, the geeky goth chicks love them), etc.
* If you can get away with it without looking horribly overdressed, wear a suit (maybe tell people you just got off of work). Preferably black, with a colored shirt. It makes you look alpha, but not overly serious. Chicks dig guys in a suit.
* Internet dating works. Be honest about being a geek, but understand that you also need other interests. Sometimes it helps to cultivate an interest in classical music, art, and plays.
* If you normally have confidence issues, the best time to meet women is when there's some other factor in your life that's making you feel particularly good about yourself. Go out and schmooze after you just got a new job or a big promotion. You'll find you have better luck.
* Along the same vein, accept that you're single. Ironically, it makes it easier to meet women.
* If you're some girl's cuddle bitch, break things off with her. It's bad for your confidence, and providing affection without sex is about as far from an alpha behavior as you can get. It won't get you any women, particularly not the one who's using you.
That's all I can come up with at the moment. Looks like there are actually a lot of good tips on here, though. Go out, meet new people, and give it a shot. Good luck! :)
Thanks everyone for the thoughtful comments and the high signal to noise ratio. Unfortunately I have to go to bed so I'll pick it up tomorrow, but I appreciate all of the thought and suggestions that most of you have put into it. :-)
I think I know where I need to go from here, now it's just a matter of doing it.
For linux tips: http://www.linuxtipsblog.com
How to be social. 1) Talk to strangers. Despite what your parents told you this is the first step to meting peope and making friends. The key is to talk about stuff that doesn't make you look silly or crazy and knowing when it is time to stop talking. 2) Lose your inhibitions and don't be afraid to embarrass yourself. Be bold and confidence will follow. 3) Be yourself and know who you are. You need to know you to introduce others to you. 4) Know when you are not wanted and are being annoying. 5) Hit the strip clubs. Don't waste money and tip too much or get dances, but buy a dancer or two drinks and use them to practice talking to. IF you act dumb or whatever have them tell you and use it as a learning experience. This will prepare you for talking to half naked single moms in normal clubs also. Where to meet people. 1) Go to a church and some church events. Summer socials are often fun. 2) Find a local gaming group. Comic shops and places like rpgnet are a good start. 3) Hang out at a coffee shop or all night dinner and observe people and how they interact. It is a good start to ease into real social interaction. Also you will be bale to have conversations with the "regulars" over time. 4) Start a workplace softball or basketball team. Even a bowling league or dart team would work. 5) Find some friends and go to a club or bar. 6) Also check out socialweb.net to find places to meet people. How to meet girls. 1) Good hygiene. Clean man parts get touched more often. 2) Have confidence or act like you do. 3) Take action. Don't be a wall flower. If you meet a girl; talk. 4) Prepare for rejection and learn from your mistakes. 5) Read the book "The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists" *If you are not the church going or not the religious type you can look for a Universal Unitarian church they take all faiths and even atheist.
Do it part time. One or two days a week, even more if you want. This will force you to interact with the hoi polloi. The general day to day communication skills you learn will help you to communicate better with others, including geeks.
Where to meet fellow geeks? University is the only place I have ever meet such people... oh, and then there was linux.conf.au where my partner said that I actually looked normal rather than the usual "out of place awkward geek that I really am".
Does it go on forever?
I met my current "To Be" in a bar. If you're religious, go to church/temple/spaghetti house/whatever and meet people there. If not, go worship at a bar.
You can confirm they are not a 50 year old male that likes stuffed animals. There are a million more options now then before. Also being a geek or a nerd is certainly more accepted than it used to be. Tech Rules! Risking getting myself nuked off the board, I created my own social networking site just for nerds to network also. Its called nerdscout (check out nerdscout.com)....yes I created it because facebook devolved to beer pong and popularity contests. But groups on craigslist also have interesting things to check out in your city with some eclectic interests.
The high number of useful and caring suggestions prove you wrong. Your anonymity proves you can't stand behind your statement. I promise I will give your suggestion all of the attention it deserves.
For linux tips: http://www.linuxtipsblog.com
You might be a Geek, but you aren't just a Geek. Develop other aspects of your personality. Study the arts, philosophy, religion, cooking, comedy, romance, irony, and tragedy. Then you will have something to talk about to a woman worth getting to know.
Well.. maybe. Or Maybe not. But Definitely not sort of.
You are wise to realize your current situation is untenable. As a fellow non-socialite I have the following suggestions.
1.) Stick to what you know. Make yourself go on outings with workmates or others who share your professional interests.
e.g. - I make myself go to social events with other physicists, even if my first choice would be to stay home and program/game/read. Help organize and/or participate in outings to see the latest Star Trek movie (or whatever). This is a great way to meet fellow geeks provided that your acquaintances are invited to bring their friends and it will cultivate relationships that will get you invited to other stuff, provided that you...
2.) PRACTICE not being a geeky asshole.
Yes being with people is hard work. PRACTICE being nice to them. Pick a role model that you think is suave and awesome: mine is Captain Picard (yes, I am embarrassed). Right before you roll your eyes and explain in childish terms to your acquaintance the differences between TCP and UDP (and GOD how could ANYONE not know this!) think to yourself: would --insert role model here-- do this?
3.) Go places and do stuff (examples below).
It's so simple but so often overlooked. What to know where I met my girlfriend? I audited a German class *three* years ago at a university. At the time she was in a relationship - *1.5 years ago* I saw her at a bus stop and asked her (in German) if she had been practicing the language. Instant relationship. The take-away message? Invest in your future. Join a book club, join a table top gaming club, go take guitar lessons at a place that does group lessons, join a choir (ok, maybe that's pushing the envelope...but I did it), go to craigslist>groups and see if something there interests you...do SOMETHING to get out and do things you like with others. Keep it up and it will pay off. The biggest dork I know goes to public dance nights every weekend. He found a fellow Linux T-shirt wearing girlfriend there -- and learned how to dance pretty well, to boot.
4.) Wash your clothes, wash yourself, lose a bit of weight, brush your teeth.
Yes, these physical processes matter, whether you want to admit it or not - and if these are things you have failed to do in the past, then the resulting change in your bearing will be noticeable to others.
5.) Be patient.
A relationship isn't something you can pick up at Kroger. It may take time for something to develop. Enjoy whatever events you chose in response to item #3 and allow this enjoyment to be satisfaction enough for you - for the time being. But always keep your eyes open for an opportunity to make an acquaintance into a friend - or a girlfriend! Keep in mind, the more good friends you make, the larger your social cross section becomes. You don't have to be Barack Obama to get a girlfriend - but it sure don't hurt.
Hmmm. I have to say that my social life started to happen when I came out. So maybe you should get gay. ;) Seriously, I got real partners as well as fuck buddies since my coming out. I finally can say that I lead a social as well as a sex life. Coming out was the best thing that ever happened to me. Too bad that there aren't a lot of gay geeks out there.
If your smart enough you can go to Mensa meetings.... ;-)
I'd say first off, look for some other interest, volunteer, etc.. no one can really answer how to meet them, that is unique to the individual.
When you do, keep in mind initial allocation is crucial.
Women will determine which partition to store you on within a matter of seconds of downloading you, it's important not to end up in /var/friends because files in that directory are never moved to other directories.
This creates a race condition, you must press for a deep relationship before you are indexed, yet, it's the indexing process that reveals whether or not you would like to be kept someplace outside of /var/friends.
One effective way of handling this race condition is by taking advantage of the -v flag, like men, women enjoy talking about themselves, asking for verbose output will cause her to emit copious amounts of output. You should enable your own -s flag or redirect your own output to /dev/null during the indexing process.
This enables you to monitor her standard output for tokens and avoid being indexed too quickly (and thus allocated to /var/friends)
I care.
Whoever wrote the parent comment: Don't hang around where you are not wanted. If you don't like a story, do something else.
You'd be surprised - It actually isn't that easy, even for the more social of us. I've actually tried match, okcupid, etc. and haven't really had much luck. A good bet is definitely user and meetup groups, you may not meet any of the opposite sex, or any that are attractive for that matter, but it will give you a social interaction experience with a common interest so you won't be staring at the wall or making small talk. If you're lucky enough to have a local "geeky" hangout like a gaming bar, those are always great places to start. Making one or two friends, no matter who they are, can introduce you to a social circle that has many opportunities. Ultimately, its my personal experience that this is the best way to go. Meeting people at bars, clubs, is never a good way to go. As a former social anxiety sufferer now social butterfly - I can definitely say getting out there to start, in any way you can, and just forcing yourself to start up a conversation with someone random, helps a lot to get over social awkwardness when you finally find someone you *really* want to make a good impression on :)
My girlfriend is a 2nd grade teacher. She and all her co-workers are single, female, very intellectual, super educated (masters degree is required), and very hot. Can't meet anyone of the opposite sex at work? They can't either!
You may not like what you hear, but these are working solutions:
Finally, and I guess this goes without saying, but try finding places where people you think are interesting show up. Ask people you know what they do with their time. They'll probably be glad to tell you.
Humans are no more a mystery than Linux, but there's a similar amount of learning. Luckily, you don't need to learn how to rebuild human kernels, just how to set up the network. Be brave. You have nothing to lose but your solitude.
Futurist Traditionalism
Start with a nice long shower, Shave your entire face, wash everywhere with soap. Trim all hairs that weren't there when your 10. Put on deodorant and error to the overkill side. Where something that you didnt take out of the hamper and brush your teeth and floss. Get anal about you appearance and work off that. If you need to, Bit Torrent that Queer eye for the Straight guy show from a few years back and go nuts. Women notice details that us geeky boys would never dream could matter. For instance dirt under your finger nails can blow your chances with 9 out of 10 females before you even utter a single syllable and dont pick your nose or sitck your finger in ANY bodily orifices while trying to actually pick one up. Also pop all zits BEFORE you leave your house.
aye. I also would not limit myself to interacting solely with geeks.
geekery at its best
Seriously.
I mean this if you're in the US. Over here, women (geeky and non-geeky alike), tend to focus a lot more on physical appearance than outside the USA. Now I'm a particularly dorky looking male geek, but managed to date and actually get married.
Next thing is to stop trying so hard. Ever heard someone say that they always had trouble getting a date until they finally got married? It's not only that some females may want to compete with someone who's "taken", but I think it's more that you stop trying so hard. Then you'll find lots and lots of women want friends. "Friends" is good. "Friends" can become more than that after a few weeks.
There are other things you can do such as exercise. Join a team sport (dragon boating is fun). Join a running club. Join a photography meetup. Take a college course.
You can also do the matchmaking thing. I know people who've gotten married through them.
But more than anything, be yourself. If you fake it to win a girl, then what happens when you get tired of faking it???
www.meetup.com
Find a topic in your area that interests you. Join the group. Start going. If it doesn't work out find another one.
Focus on meeting people, not finding dates. Once you meet people you'll have a better feel for how to approach someone at a more personal level.
If you attend a group and start trying to hit on women you will just get tagged as creepy.
This is actually some good advice for two reasons:
1) You will have an instant best friend.
2) You can meet people at your local Dog Park.
Play with him (or her), teach him to do tricks, scratch him on his belly until his leg goes crazy. You will both learn social skills as you train him. Also, I have found that people who love animals are generally kind and friendly. Best of luck.
Unexpect the expected!
Well, if you are indoors too much, take up an outdoor hobby. I bought a Jeep and a cayak and go camping every other week-end. I meet people at the start and end of each river trip. If you can't find anyone to go with, go to a lake, so you can row a circular route. To go down river, you need two cars - so you need to solve the friend problem first.
There are also Jeep clubs everywhere. Trail rides are nice slow bumpy fun with great views and lots of relaxed people. Pretty soon the married women will try to hook you up with their single friends and all you got to do is take them with on the trail rides. A Jeep is basically a two seater, so if a woman wants to take a friend along - she has to find an accommodating single guy with an empty seat, so your Jeep won't stay empty for long...
I simply started to go camping a couple nights at every lake in the area and each time I met a bunch of nice people and it just expanded from there.
Excuse me, but please get off my Pennisetum Clandestinum, eh!
Psst.
Basement Underground Network.
Babe Galore.
Follow the Cheetos trail.
You didn't hear it from me.
Fuck systemd. Fuck Redhat. Fuck Soylent, too. Wait, scratch the last one.
First of all, if you're using the word "meatspace" to describe the world that exists when you're _not_ sitting in front of your computer, you're already in trouble. Second sign? Your "this lack of interpersonal relationships really is an issue that needs correction" attitude. I'm guessing your the type to blame half of life's problems on Asperger's or some similar excuse for why you don't simply participate in "real life" like the rest of us do. You can mod down everyone who says it all you like, but by the sounds of it I'd say half your problem is that you won't listen to things you don't like to hear, and if you're here for advice not all of it is going to be the pat-you-on-the-back, useless and uninformative kind. If you're just going to plug your ears and ignore it, why did you come here in the first place? For validation?
Since your entire post basically boils down to "I'm of superior intelligence but I can't seem to find a girl to appreciate me anywhere," let me answer by pointing out that half the population of the planet you're living on is female, roughly speaking. For any given activity that you choose, you're _eventually_ going to run into a girl that's interested in the same thing. That is, unless you're only interested in the sort of social interaction that requires you to identify yourself to an IRC bot first, because females (it's fair to say) are more "social animals," and if you're spending your time looking for them in chat rooms and 4chan then you might as well stop looking.
... Is this a trick question?
Get a haircut, get groomed. Go to a bar, get drunk, then go clubbing. Your drunk self will take care of the rest.
Look, no SIG!
Find a contra dance group. It's not as hard (for me) as ballroom dancing; tried ballroom lessons with the ex, and it didn't turn out well.
At contra dances there's live music, and a caller. There's a small fee, 6 bucks or so; not bad for a couple of hours' live music and an aerobic workout. It's not a meat market, but a community. You'll meet a variety of folks of all ages, genders, and relationship statuses.
Shower first, dress casually (I wear jeans and a T shirt). Skip the cologne. Bring a water bottle to avoid the line-up for the water fountain. Some halls have slickish floors for which sneakers work fine, others have a stickier surface for which bowling shoes are more appropriate.
Show up early. Most groups have a tutorial session for newbies that starts a half hour or so before the dance, where you can pick up the basics. Dance early and often; the easier dances are done early in the evening, more challenging ones later. Even if you bring a date, it's usual to dance with a different partner each dance. Women ask men to dance as much as men ask women. "Hi, would you like a partner?" works. Especially if you're a newbie, dancing with more experienced partners will bring you up to speed more quickly than trying to learn with a fellow newbie as your partner all night.
Even if you don't meet the person of your dreams, you'll get an aerobic workout and a good time. And you'll get to dance with some hot women... hot, sweaty women... some of whom you helped become that way. It's the most fun you can have with your clothes on!
That's what I did, and while I didn't go out on dates, it certainly helped with my confidence and learning how to socialize in the real world. If I ran out of stuff to talk about, it was no big deal since we would always rotate partners every 3-5 minutes. Plus, the women in Salsa class are socially awkward as well, otherwise they'd be going to night clubs dancing freely to hip hop.
It is not to say that all female students taking salsa class are dis-coordinated, but most of them are just as insecure as us guys. It took me a good 10 months of just to be confident being around girls without stammering with sweaty palms. Trust me when I say I have social anxiety, and tackling this was like trying to get over fear of heights by visiting the top of Sears Towers every Tuesdays and Thursdays. 10 months may sound a lot, but I needed all that time to develop confidence to engage in real life social conversations - of course, your mileage may vary. Salsa was a good practice, and plus I would tell my future dates that I could dance which was impressive to them.
A year later I found a great girl, and now we're in a great relationship close to two years. Salsa is more organic, but if you want something more precise with fewer moves (at least in the beginning), try tango. Either way, the ratio will be something like 4:1, and male dance partners are always in high demand. And when you discount the hardcore dance douchebags, the fabulous dancer, and the guy-who-got-dragged into the dance class by the wife and purposely fuck up every move, your odds for being the favorite dance partner only increases.
Good luck!
(Hint: Take the contents of the server room to the top of the building. Start dropping stuff off it. The stuff that goes "crash" is hardware. The stuff you can't drop is "sofware". The stuff that goes "splat" is "Wetware".)
Look for an adult swim team. Like a masters team. It isn't necessarily serious, and there usually are social outings and opportunities.
meat-flavored sauce? Don't you mean meat-smelling sauce...? After all, *you* are meat flavored - you don't require any special sauce to achieve that. You're not a vegetarian by any chance are you?
Everything a woman can ever need is found at WalMart. Go to WalMart, you'll find women. Hang around the lingerie, and when some gal starts eyeing and fingering the frilly stuff, tell her how great it would look on her. Go for it. Yeah, you'll get slapped ten or fifty times - but the NEXT ONE is probably the girl of your dreams.
No balls, no glory. Of course, no balls, no girl either.
"Windows is like the faint smell of piss in a subway: it's there, and there's nothing you can do about it." - Charlie Br
I met my wife online too, but before that, a motorcycle did wonders for my social life (in fact, it was the bike that gave me the confidence to meet her in person.)
Before I had the bike, I was shy and had low self esteem ... I was dateless for over two years. Within a few weeks of getting the bike, I was getting 2-3 girls a week asking me out! Seriously.. a motorcycle turns "shy and introverted" into "dark and brooding". (But don't assume that every woman will ask you out - if one comes over and talks to you about your machine, chat with her a bit about the bike and offer her a ride.)
Some caveats:
Odds are you're pretty smart and will figure it out on your own, but you have to get practice. Someone mentioned dance lessons, which is good. (The downside there is that you'll be surrounded by divorcees.) A dance class at the nearest college would work better. Also think about donating your time to a charity like habitat for humanity. If you're the church-going type, hit the singles group at your nearest megachurch. If you're considering a job, head to a big city like NYC where everyone is new and looking for friends.
:)
You'll probably find that it's easier than you thought, in which case take a number of data points before fitting your curve and choosing the representative sample.
...if it's girls you are interested in, then you should join a club with ( a significant percentage of ) girls in it. This does not have to be in-opposition to your "geek" ideals. May I suggest you try:
- a Medieval group ( eg the SCA is an international group, full of geeks, nerds, and of course girls - and it's harmless fun).
- a photography club. ( usually very nerdy, and always girls present. sometimes at the same time).
- dancing ( as suggested above), of nearly any form except "rap" or "street".
avoid any club using any of these words: programming,computing,radio-control,engineering,hacker, star-wars, star-trek/trekkie, etc. Not because they are bad ( they are definitely not ), and not because they are devoid of girls ( they are not), but because they typically are not well-represented percentage-wize.
No, go have fun.
Something that help me get out of my shell at an early age was a martial arts club. Most times you will find they have a good set of values and a nice sense of community.
A sense which is almost entirely manufactured. Almost all martial arts systems are designed to make the owner or "master" rich. If you know anything about cults, you'll be disturbed at what you see go on at the local 'dojo'. Colored belts are the martial arts version of Scientology "thetan" levels, Dahn Yoga's "training", or Magic-The-Gathering deck-buying contests.
No- find an activity that doesn't require $$ "leveling up".
If you want community, get out and be active- do things you'll enjoy, especially if they involve other people. Hell, go out to a local cafe for dinner once a week or something.
Just one tip- be really chill about approaching people in activity groups for dates. Approach with the aim of friendship.
Please help metamoderate.
To be honest, my solution was to accept that the geek lifestyle (i.e. an obsession with computers and technology) was professionally satisfying but a total disaster for anything else. I found it to be a very vapid and hollow existence, so I gravitated away from geekness being a virtue to being a handicap. Funnily enough - it worked. I'm now much happier than I was, I have a wonderful girlfriend, enjoying life a lot more, but still have just enough of a connection to the geek world that I can still work as an engineer without becoming obsessed over it, to the determent of others.
So, what I would suggest is that you broaden your lifestyle. TRY NEW THINGS, things that you would never have cared about. Hang out with friends who have interests different to yours. You never know what might happen. But above all - reduce your care-factor for hardware. It's not going to be your life's sole source of happiness. People are much more fulfilling to be with.
Usually when you have to ask, you know what to do, but you are too shy/afraid to do it. Suck it up geekboy:
Zeroth step: Move out of mom's house. Get a job or go to college... this alone will dramatically increase your chances of meeting women above all else.
First step: Shower, shave, put on deodorant, make your hair look nice.
Second step: Have you purchased new clothing in the last year? If not, buy new clothes... preferably with the help of a woman... one of your friend's girlfriends will do. Just buy what she tells you to buy. No arguments.
Third step: Clean your room/apartment/house. You should be able to see at least 50% of the ground and it should not smell like any food product.
It pretty much takes care of itself from there... but if you need help, try to attend geeky things:
Fourth step:
-Enroll in an engineering or computer science school.
-Attend a Star Trek or SCA convention.
-Start playing a MMORPG like World of Warcraft.
-If all else fails, go to DEFCON (but it is only once a year)
Remember, there is a certain type of woman who actually likes to date geeks. If you are a nice guy (or a complete asshole), they will eventually seek you out if you put yourself out in social situations. Usually they are a little geeky or quirky themselves. If you dig this, you're set. If you don't, try hanging out with them anyway... they have lots to teach you, young grasshopper.
"Normal" means majority/average in context of your post. Yes, many slashdotters have probably different definition of "normal"...but that's the thing - we don't fit that well with people from the broader one.
Actually, it's convenient to have automatic preselection methods (gossips are also great) - that way you don't have to waste your time figuring out you don't really see a point in particular reliationship.
As for the question of the submitter - it's not really "where?", but "what?", if you want to find ~like-minded people. "What happens there, what are they doing, what is this place about?"; "is it something that interests me or might interest me?" - basically, just looking for people/places which you would probably like.
Only this time in...meatspace.
One that hath name thou can not otter
Get outside and just start talking to people. talk to people at work, at mcdonalds, at the mall, etc.
Start talking and interacting with people and the friendships and relationships will follow. You simply need to get people to know you, even if its your opinion about the burger they're eating while they sit next to you --- to get the seed of a fruitful relationship planted.
And, from a guy who has been a computer nerd since 1993 (when i was 12), computers and geekery (aka via. technology) will not (generally) facilitate an answer for you in this department. Forums, myspace, facebook, whatever... they will all fail you in that your correspondence lacks real impact and emotion and it will not be taken as seriously or with the level of importance that a personal conversation has.
Get out there, start talking. You will eventually find people that like you, and possibly a chick that wants to do you.
Good luck out there. If there is anything else I can add, in big cities its harder to talk to random people because they usually seem irrationally afraid you're going to rob or rape them. its crappy... small town people are really easy to warm up to in any old place.
And if there isn't one in your neighborhood - organize it. You'll meet all kinds of nerdy cross stitch girls, hang out with roboticists, and who knows what else.
http://www.meetup.com/
I had the same problem as you, when my ex-girlfriend moved out; she'd managed to alienate literally everyone I'd previously ever known, including family members.
I joined a Meetup group about 18 months ago, and was eventually made Organizer. I host monthly groups, and out of a resident membership of around 100 people, I get regular attendance of close to a dozen people now. There are also Meetups for just about every possible kind of general interest you can think of, including some which are purely for random socialising.
where do you meet fellow geeks
Somewhere other than your mother's basement. Seriously.
Go out to places where people gather. They're not hard. Go outside. Walk around. Look for people
Then to talk to them.
If you're only interested in meeting other geeks, get used to be alone.
MEET-SPACE.
Shai Schticks:"You don't make peace with friends, you make peace with enemies"
Simply put - the geek ratio of men to women shows that for the average male geek - loneliness is a fact of life.
-- Mean People Suck
they'll teach you how to interact with others, and you'll get to meet a bunch of new and funny people.
For one, if you're geeky enough to use the word in casual speech, you might well find people who freak out at such vocabulary to be tiresome, so using the term works as a kind of social self selection.
For two, read the wonderful short story, They're Made out of Meat . Choice quote:
Cheers,
"What in the name of Fats Waller is that?"
"A four-foot prune."
1 - look up Aspergers, and see if it fits. Chances are it does which means you need some help with social clues, hence item 2 below.
2 - "The rules of the game", by Neil Strauss, get it and apply it.
3 - be yourself.
Good luck.
Insert
Going to slashdot for advice on making friends and meeting girls? You must be new here.
Bad idea. Get the wrong one and you will regret it. Either way, you will end up selling out. Buying into a decaying belief system just to get friends is a moral compromise of epic proportions.
Also, if one type of swing doesn't suit you, look around! Lindy was what I started with, but with Lindy, if you only know the basic step, you get dizzy *really* fast. So I moved over to East Coast, where basic is a little less loopy and the non-basic steps a little less complex, and things are good. :) There's also West Coast, Balboa, and at least one or two other types that I forget the names to. So browse around, find something you like!
Cheers,
"What in the name of Fats Waller is that?"
"A four-foot prune."
Start doing sports. Any kind, it doesn't really matter. Find a club, join it. Lots of people there and you are doing something good for yourself (which will - in the long run - increase your chances with the other sex a lot).
Is that more to the point?
My solution is kinda different from most solutions that have been offered here, most of them being try to meet someone online. I think a small problem here is the fact that you are unsocial. Maybe you could change that a bit. A good way to be social could be joining some class - tennis? salsa? I dont know how old or how inclined you are to these things, but these are places where you meet other people and develop friendships and relationships outside of work. I used to go to a lot of parties right after I had submitted a paper to a conference, it took me sometime to become "normal", but then I realized, as a geek, we have the best to offer to women - we are often the most practical, pretty rational, well settled and according to latest research most loving guys. So keep this in mind and go spend some time in the regular world and you can meet other like minded people and develop a relationship if you want one.
The Game, by Neil Strauss, it'll make for a good intellectual starting point.
http://www.amazon.com/Game-Penetrating-Secret-Society-Artists/dp/0060554738
You can have a great relationship with non-geek girls too. There are a lot of women who aren't nerds, but are still interested and knowledgable in technology. Take visual arts chicks who are in graphic design, for example. They often like games, too.
Aim high, hit high.
I'm a big fan of meetup.com.
:)
You can find groups on most anything you imagine. I love hiking, for example, and I'm constantly finding amazing people to go hiking with, planned hikes, all over the area, at least twice a week now. It's such a blast.
There's groups that go out and try different restaurants in the area, people who want to bring chihuahuas together, book club meetups, dancing meetups, spiritual meetups... whatever you want!
Do what you LOVE and allow your relationships to stem from your passion, rather than blindly groping around for a person out there somewhere. It's much easier to find friends when you enjoy doing similar things together.
Seriously.
Knitting is pretty easy to pick up, and kind of fascinating for a geek: knitting basically boils down to creating an enormous, intricate, single knot in such a way that kind of falls together into a garment of some kind. I found it right up a nerd's alley.
Now, the problem with knitting is that 99% (if not 6-nines or better) of knitters are women[1], so all the patterns are for women's clothes and such. Thus it's not something that's realistically a long-term hobby for a guy, but if you as a man walk into a yarn store with actual knowledge, I guarantee you will find all the female attention you want. The first time it happened I seriously was weirded out, because all I really wanted was some reasonably durable, 100% cotton, worsted weight yarn and a set of double-ended needles for some socks I wanted to make.
So, it's something that will get you attention. It's probably a hobby that'll only last you a year or two, but at least you'll get some socks out of it.
[1] - I have never met a fellow straight male knitter in person, and I am aware of exactly 3 online. So I'm not stereotyping, it's the God's Honest.
I am a big computer geek.
I do not wear glasses.
I am married to a beautiful woman.
I have a beautiful baby girl.
Code and social lives can certainly coexist. ;)
http://www.pick-up-artist-forum.com/
Yeah, I know it sounds cheesy, especially after that VH-1 series a while back, but over half of the PUA "training" is dealing with Social Anxiety, which sounds like is the REAL reason behind the parent poster's awkwardness toward making new friends (as well as becoming more-than-friends). There is a lot of focus in the PUA groups on breaking Social Anxiety by concentrating on Body Language, making yourself more open to people (to have friends, first you have to BE a friend), broadening your knowledge-base with other topics besides technology to help make your conversations more interesting, etc.
Also, realize that making yourself more personable toward new people is going to take a little more work than Googling something online; it's something you're going to have to go out and work on, and it's not going to happen overnight either. Can you meet a single person you've never met before and have a good conversation with them for at least an hour (no, telephone/internet conversations don't count!)? No? Then try talking with 20 strangers through the day and have at least a 3 minute conversation with each one of them, then work your way up from there.
Shyness isn't a mental disorder, it's social laziness. It's the constant act of being selfish by not sharing your good qualities with other people, who in-turn may be more-than-willing to also share their good qualities with you as well. So go out there and exercise your social muscles!
I'm assuming based on demographics that you're a straight male. Adapt the following if this assumption is wrong.
Unlike many, I applaud you for asking your fellow geeks.
A bit about myself: I'm not the normal geek (I had a varsity letter in High School; I joined a Fraternity in college; and I have a girlfriend that I love dearly...and met at a party), but I enjoy living online more than IRL a lot of the time and I actually use OS X because it's a Unix that I don't have to fight with, and I've spent more time the past few weeks scripting than drinking (and that real DAWs run on)
But, I've had similar questions, usually sitting in a friend's basement while he wondered where the attractive female geeks are. The answer is simple: they're in their friends' basements wondering why they can't find an intelligent, caring guy.
So, the answer is to look at it like any other problem. Divine whatever "rules" you can about the human behavior "system" and figure out how to manipulate your input into it to get the output you want. Mostly, you learn these rules by experimentation. Just try things, and don't worry so much about the outcome. Most people have pissed off inordinate numbers of people figuring out these rules, and your only solace is that you'll probably do it less because you can probably learn from your mistakes more quickly.
Also, start reading about psychology. Books professing to improve your game through leading, suggestion, and neuro-linguistic programing are mostly garbage, but some of the principles have some basis in fact. I give this advice having a degree in Applied Psychology from one of the best schools in the world. What is really important from your perspective stems from behaviorist theory.
Once you realize that everything you do has the potential to act as a discriminative stimulus and as a reinforcer/punisher, you can see that these are just inputs to a system that has rules. The interesting part is that everyone else's behaviors (outputs from the system) also work as discriminative stimuli and reinforcers/punishers for your behavior. It's a cycle. And it's based on science not all that different from evolutionary theory.
Behaviors (input) tend to be repeated or not based on how they affect other people's behaviors or your situation (output).
Assuming that you're psychologically normal (read: don't have major disorders), it isn't possible that you won't learn from your mistakes.
But when it comes to mistakes, you have to make them in order to learn from them.
That's the hard part.
As for finding people you might be interested in, that's easy. Do stuff you enjoy. I haven't met anyone who lives their entire life in a computer. You do something IRL, or in meatspace if you prefer. And if you don't, you probably should. Maybe you enjoy rock climbing. Maybe you want to take a martial arts class. Maybe you like music and want to go to shows. Find something you like, find a way to experience it IRL, and then just say, "Hi," to people. You'll fail a lot. But you'll meet people. They know people. They do stuff.
The advantage of this technique instead of "going where women are" is that there will be girls at many if not all of these places, and you'll actually have something in common with them.
Keep doing it, and you'll be amazed how many people you can meet. And eventually you'll realize how powerful just saying, "Hi," can be. Americans in particular don't like talking to random people on the street, but they do it. Add some kind of structure (a restaurant, a class, a concert) and they're good at it.
Also, flirt with everyone. Let me say that again. Flirt. With. EVERYONE. The more you do it, the more responses you'll get, and the better you'll get. Do it when it doesn't matter. Flirt with guys if you have to. No, don't try to get in their pants, but use the psychological techniques you're trying by now (open body posture, eye contact, changing posture/language/expression based on how you want the
So please tell me: how, and more importantly, where do you meet fellow geeks â" preferably including some of the opposite gender
Geeks tend to be a massively gender skewed grouping.
If you're female, this is awesome. Turn up. Done.
If you're not female, minus infinity nerd points for having no concept of statistics... plus infinity nerd points for being so socially retarded as to think you only stand a chance with others exactly like you.
Seriously, assuming you're male, think about those statistics. You're sabotaging yourself before you even start. For every one person with compatible plumbing (politics joke), ten other people are competing with you and are likely just as good, if not better than you, at the geeky area you're figuring is what you have going for you. Female geeks get pretty much their pick of the many male geeks there are for each one of them. You know you're already behind the curve at dating and you want to jump in to that pool?
Outside the world of geekery, a combination of nerd bands like Weezer plus the great money we became associated with around Y2K/the dot com boom means nerds actually carry some cachet now. Simply being a geek isn't the social impediment it was twenty years ago. Back in the real world, away from the gender bias of the geek world, there's a pretty even gender ratio. As one of the first posters pointed out, go to somewhere like salsa lessons and it'll skew ten to one the other way. (Yes, you'll suck at your first dance classes but everyone at an intro class will suck - keep going and paying attention and, no matter how uncoordinated you are, you'll move better than 95% of guys in six months of weekly lessons).
Back, pre web, I remember hearing pick up artists talk about their technique. Turns out they were playing the numbers too. You, or I, or most geeks, will be terrified of approaching someone. We get maybe a 1 in 10, 1 in 20 chance of success so we only try when we're totally certain. We get rejected then and it kills us. We maybe try again six months to a year later. If we're lucky, we find someone in a few years. Those guys would go to a club, approach twenty to fifty people a night and let rejection slide off them. Even with the same 1:20 odds you or I might have, that's still 1 to 3 interest people every night. By ratio, they may be no more successful than you or I but, because they're not scared to keep trying, they swing that ratio in their favor. Spammers do the same thing too - they spam a million people, get 0.01% interest and still come out with 100 sales vs. the people who target 500 carefully screened leads, get a mightily better 10% hit rate, and still only come out with 50 sales. It may miss out on noble ideals but the people who have more success than you may not be any more successful in terms of percentages... but they know how to turn those percentages in their favor.
Pulling numbers from my anatomical /dev/null:
Trying to meet other geeks: 10 men for every 1 woman.
Trying to meet other people: 1 man for every 1 woman.
Going to salsa lessons (or similary: 1 man for every 10 women.
Just picking somewhere the hell outside of the geek pool shifts your odds by a factor of 100. Not a bad start. From there, just relax, be yourself and let statistics do the rest. Just don't pull out your Texas Instruments calculator to confirm it. I know it's totally sweet but you'll be back to square one. ;)
The funny thing about geeks... they're interesting. Interesting counts for a lot. Develop a neat meatspace hobby.
Start whittling a longbow, make your own cordage for the string, and head out to the local archery club. Start a RC robot wars type group through Craigslist and have fun building things with people. Join a book club. Play chess in the park. Buy an old bike, strip it down, and start building it up with loving care. Find other bike geeks to hang out with.
Start a FreeGeek branch. Do volunteer work. You'll meet a lot of cute women if you start painting schools and the like. Build an outdoor theater out of an old projector, amp, speakers, inverter, and a few marine batteries and show Creative Commons movies in a park.
Shit man, use your imagination. If you're boring... become unboring.
Whatever you do, make sure you enjoy it. Don't fake it. Folks can sense that a long way off, and that's not the vibe you want to put out.
-Tony
I would recommend Neil Strauss though, his books have activites that build just this.
"10001110101 - periodic table with a centerpiece of mind" -Clutch
I have some very strong interpersonal relationships. People who I trust my life to. I am possibly of average nerd social grace, awkward at times, generally quiet. Introverted. I don't imagine we're all that different. I've found these relationships most often come about via some hardship. The times where you haven't showed for days, your socks patched with blood as you wander through the day, powered by nothing more than some sense of stubbornness. Can't stop, won't ever stop. When faced with large amounts of discomfort, you stop caring about the minor details. You don't care that someone has some annoying pitch to their voice, or happens to be fugly, or smell, or aren't all that bright. Hell, they could like bush for all you care. No, instead you see someone with determination, something to be admired. Respected. When you return to your ordinary life, the minor details that make one an individual unfit socially tend not to matter to you anymore. What's underneath all that, when they've been at their worst, and at their best, stripped away of all the crap of modern society, that's what you see. So yeah....Join a hiking club :D
in the subject line. Nobody reads them.
Also, inexpensive and awesome - although check out the particular one you're thinking of joining before you do, as they've... a high standard deviation in terms of quality.
IRC.
Wait, was this a trick question?
Geeks, social life, surely sir is joking?
comment first, facts later. http://chem.tufts.edu/AnswersInScience/RelativityofWrong.htm
www.veronicabelmont.com
(replying AC cos I already moderated)
You shouldn't be looking to meet geeks only. One of the important things to learn when trying to learn to socialise is to tolerate conversations and topics that you find deeply boring. Meaningless babble is useful.
If you find it difficult to interact because you don't understand subtle clues or can't be subtle yourself, an acting class might be a good idea (i.e. learning to fake emotions might help detecting them). And it's also a good place to meet people, they'll be weird too but more social.
Nah. Get a bicycle. You'll be looking better and feeling better. Chicks will find you.
Get off the net and do something else! Join a sports club... Meet people through work... Go to university... Live in a hostel. Go travelling.
What do you do for fun other than tech/code? If you say nothing, then you are not a well balanced person and you need to expand your horizon. I thought geeks like to learn new things. Go and learn a few things. Along with your mastery of a new subject comes confidence. Archery. I've heard it's relaxing and fun. Go by yourself. Get used to being alone doing things until you've met friends. Turn off the damn computer.
I meet geeks 3 places.
1: Work.
2: Online (MMO's, RPG chat rooms, PBEM "sim" games, etc.)
3: At geek social events.
You were looking for #3, so think about #3. There are essentially two kinds of "geek gatheirngs" -- Conventions and LARPs.
Conventions are places where geeks gather about a certain area. Anime, D&D, Star Trek, Star Wars -- pick a part of geek culture, and there's probably a convention around it. Explore your interestes on the net, pick one, and find the nearest convention. There are worse places to meet people, and essentially eveyone you run into will be a geek. The big advantage? Lots and lots of geeks go to conventions. The big disadvantage? They're not all looking to meet people.
LARPs are a whole different ball of wax. These can range from an evening meeting of a vampire LARP, to an excursion to the week-long Pensig Event put on by the SCA. The big advantage of LARPs over conventions is one of purpose -- you WILL meet people at a LARP, due to the basic nature of the game. So long as you have some basic social graces, you can hopefully either find someone compatbible, or find someone who knows someone compatible. (The range of choices is just lower.)
You can also try local RPG games, going to your local library or bookstore, or even picking up on a "user's group" if there are any near you.
You also asked the HOW, and that's something any number of books can be written about. (Go to the library or bookstore, and ask for a "self-help" book on social graces. "Excuse me, can you help me find a self-help book to help me meet people?" is a good line. (Do NOT say "meatspace", or "norms", or "I want to fuck.") ) My short guide:
0: Look at yourself in the mirror first. I'd hope you have this part down, but if not then learn. You don't need to look good enough to have women throw themselves at you -- you just need to look grown-up and sociable enough that your appearance won't turn them away from you.
1: Keep your eyes open. The world is filled with people, most of whom you don't know -- and you can't always tell a geek by appearance. Pay attention to not just how closely people match porn stars, but what they seem to be interested in.
2: When you see someone you want to talk to, smile. To begin a conversation, ask about something local -- talk about the weather, whatever they have in their hands, or wherever you happen to be. (LARPs and Conventions are full of conversation pieces.). Ask a question, and PAY ATTENTION to their answer. An actual answer is an invitation to continue the conversation; a noncommittal answer is a signal that they aren't interested in conversation.
3: During a conversation, again, PAY ATTENTION. Small talk is your first indication of interests, and will be a good indicator if they are interested in you. Listen to what they say, and focus on topics of which both you and they have interest.
4: If the conversation seems like it's worth pursuing, ask if you can buy them something -- or journey with them as you both buy something. (Dinner, movie, RPG games, new dice.). Providing food is an ancient, universal signal for "I'd like you to consider a relationship with me." Some will say "no", some will say "another time." And some will say "yes."
5: Here's the important one. The utmost, forget everything else so long as you remember this rule. You are looking for friends first, and romance second. My best friend is my wife, and hers is mine. If we weren't romantically intangled, we'd likely still be friends all the same. While you can have a successful marriage without a freindship, it won't be happy one.
6: Have paper, pen, and PDA to write down any and all information given by your potential friend. If you have business cards from work, carry some. If not, just pen & paper is fine. (Don't make up cards that say "single guy" or something on them -- it's too easy to look creepy doing that.)
Good luck.
Something online actually worked for me. I've been on OKCupid for the last 5 years, and I've made friends on there both dating or otherwise: in fact I met my male co-worker of two years on there (known him 4-5); my current g/f; and my old g/f, who turned out to live with a bunch of geeks I still live with 2 years later. In the last year a few of the local geeks have held meetups as well: usually to play board games and consume pot-luck items.
Life is irony, and nothing ever goes as planned.
Seriously.
I moved 1800 miles across the country two years ago. I knew exactly 1 person here excluding my wife and the guys at my job.
http://www.meetup.com/ has been really awesome. I found local rock climbing, snowboarding, and off-road riding groups on there, met some really great people, and never lack for something to do should I want to leave the house.
Even if your cup of tea doesn't involve physical activity, there's bound to be a group on there for something you're interested in.
- Roach
Well, a quick search in your neighborhood finds some Internet Cafes...might be a good place to start.
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I had the same problems after finishing school and moving out. From what it sounds like, you have the same problem of not being the kind of person who just picks up friends off the street or meets them in a coffee shop or something.
So you have to join some sort of club. meetup.com and meetin.com are both great. meetin.com in Portland, OR area is particularly awesome! LUG or really anything is fine too. Once you join a club and meet some people it's natural for things to spiral out. For example, you go to a few LUG meetings and find out that a bunch of guys hit a bar or play cards take ballroom lessons afterwards.
Now if you want to meet women, you need to join a club that has a good portion of women. Most women will not be geeks and not worthy of your time. Don't worry about it. Keep in mind that you only need to find one. If you have the mindset that you are not looking for a woman, just hanging out and having fun then it will happen eventually. But you do have to be doing something where women are present!
A big thing to keep in mind is that once you start hanging out with other people like this, you will figure things out and get more confidence in your social skills. Things will start looking a lot better and you'll find that you aren't as much of a loner as you thought.
By the way, I posted this several years ago looking for online dating advice:
http://ask.slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=04/09/30/0023213
Best advice was to not do online dating at all! I joined a meatspace singles social club. Within a year I hit it off with a female possessing very strong geek credentials. Married her last year! Ballroom dancing skills are key, I highly recommend taking lessons.
...I have never been a very social person, preferring to throw myself into technology...
What exactly is wrong with that ?
btw. women loves geeks... you just need to show them that you are a geek instead of trying to look like a football player.
Maybe he doesn't just want a mundane, he wants a relationship with a female geek.
And... don't view non-geeks as "mundane". The "meatspace" will earn the "weird" label, but the "mundane" will earn the "motherfucking asshole" label, and justifiably so.
1. "An Intelligent Life" by Julian Short - Goes into the nature of self esteem and the importance of relationships, which is tied back to our evolutionary roots.
2. "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch - All about romantic relationships.
3. "Manhood" by Steve Biddulph - About men and how they mature.
I would read them in that order.
Some advice.
- Don't limit yourself to meeting geeks. You (I assume since you posted this) need to grow more as a person. You won't broaden your horizons if all your friends are like you. As others have suggested take something up.
- Don't treat relationships, in particular romantic relationships as problems to be solved. Relationships are about intimacy and basically showing yourself. You are not showing yourself if you are hiding behind calculated action. This is even more true with sex. If you are running through check lists of things to do and constantly analyzing you are not connecting with your partner which is what produces good and passionate sex.
- Throw yourself into it. If you are not experienced it will take a while before you gain confidence. Try to make lots of friends. You will slowly learn what kind of people you really want to spend time with and develop your social skills.
I'm in a somewhat similar situation. I moved to a new city where outside of work I don't know anyone. I've found that online dating can successfully find you a mate if have the time and patience and a great profile. But trying to make an actual male friend? It's kind of tough after 25 or so. One possible solution would be,assuming you're a man would be to join a gay dating website and just don't put out. POW instant best friend. Of course you'll have to come up with a lot of excuses to dodge sex.
Volunteering: Interesting people who have their lives together enough to help other people. It's worth meeting people whose view of the world expands beyond their personal envelope. You'll meet lots of interesting interested people. And they will be *very* excited to have your help. You'll have alot to bring to the table if you want to be techy. If you don't want to be techy, consider not mentioning it. Set clear boundaries and be honest about what you have time for. To me, way more interesting than getting drunk with people in a bar. Although, we do that too :-)
I hear that 4chan is a great place to hook up with a 12 year old
fixed it for ya
Why would I want to meet people in meatspace? :)
That said, roommates and the like have worked out well for me, so have conventions and such.
My blog: http://www.seebs.net/log/ --- My iPhone/iPad app: http://www.seebs.net/seebsfrac/
What a a country!11
Since we're mostly geeks here, we all know that there are many kinds of geeks with different interests. Locally, I've never met a decent looking female who was into computers. It might be different in your area. Luckily, I'm also an anime geek and there is a much higher number of more than acceptable girls among us.
How old are you? The answer will be different depending on if you're 15 or 30 or 50...
Where do you live? Rural USA? Manhattan? Iran?
Advice: on VPS providers
Dude go to these things called a bar. Better yet a blues bar. This is where they play music and women at these places like to dance.
Get up!
IMHO, don't chase only COMPUTER geek chicks...
I was married to a total babe who was not a geek, but turned out to be not a fantastic match in the long run
and another who was not a babe, but was a wonderful person and a Fabric/Knitting geek. We were together for 7 years until she unfortunately fell to Colon cancer last year...
Learn some real world social skills...Wash your clothes once in awhile...Read a non-computer, non-sci-fi book now and then...
Oh, and stop using "meatspace" to describe the real world...It sounds condescending and stupid.
Goofy, Geeky Gifts and More!
Try to sign up for Couch Surfing; with a bit of luck there's an active local community where you live. For instance, here in Tampere, Finland (a large city by Finnish measures, but a very small city anyway; 200 000 inhabitants) we have a very lively community, with one or several meetings every week.
The meetings touch lots of different subjects; since there's usually a lot of immigrants or foreign exchange students participating, there's been cooking evenings with food from all over the world, there's been language groups; both Finnish for those who want to learn the weird language spoken here -- personally I've given up long ago and other languages, there's been film events, there are usually weekly sauna, there's hiking trips, etc.
Then there's of course also the original idea behind Couch Surfing; letting travellers crash at your sofa for a night or two, and doing the same while you travel. A great way not only to get away a bit cheaper when travelling, but also to make new contacts and to get help to see more than the normal tourists do when travelling to other cities or countries.
Just my 2Â.
It doesn't really matter *where* you meet people. Any place where there might be a couple is good enough.
The real trick to forming non-superficial relationships is that you actually have to *care* about them, at a profound and sincere level -- at an "I would sacrifice X for you", where X is something of increasing value in proportion to meaning in your life. And for the relationship to be healthy and mutual, the person has to feel the same way; X' where X - X' e, for some e.
That I think is the hardest part for most intelligent geeks, as they tend to find most people don't share their interests, and thus don't move closer to more primal forms of intimacy. It's hard to start caring for someone when "OMG what an idiot" keeps intruding into your thought process. They also tend to trivialize emotional thinking as it's anti-logical, and thus detrimental to their work; making it extra effort to feel that emotion when they meet someone nice.
My recommendation is practise. Teach yourself to search out the value of non-intellectual skills. If you meet some apparently nice guy who's only skill is fixing cars or playing sports, think to yourself "wouldn't this guy be great on a road trip, if we had car troubles!" or "wouldn't this guy really have my back if someone tried to pick on me at a bar!"
If you find you have social anxiety, practise on that as well. Try telling yourself that no one cares, that everyone learning to ride a bike falls, then try to put your own anxiety out of your mind. Thinking about it will only strengthen the neural connections between society and anxiety. Try joining social clubs with an emphasis on something physical, where the signs of any potential anxiety or awkwardness are hidden by the red faces and heavy breathing of hard work. It'll also provide a great way to be non-verbally, non-intellectually attached to people -- your team-mates.
Build a female android. When you prefect them, I will buy 2.
Also do not forget your family. Start spending more time with parents, aunts and the like. You will not be tempted to try and hit on them. Only after you can hang out comfortably in non-dating situations should you try dating situations. If you are lucky you will find many fun people to spend time with, then when a girl geek comes along you will not suffocate her and expect her to be you be all and and all.
Or the bar on your nearest university campus.
People in other fields are geeks too: maths, engineering, arts and letters, even the sexy drama/dance girls. They're different (which is what you want) and they're geeks (so their social skills will be just as poor).
Except for the accounting and commerce people: they're not geeks and yet they are by far the most boring. Stay far away! (*FLAME*)
The best advise I ever saw in terms of meeting people (it wasn't direct at me, but it was on a mailing list that I was on) was "if you want to meet and/or date people who are interested in X, you've got to put yourself where people interested in X are." That's true for any given definition of X.
Figure out what your interests are, geek or otherwise. Don't take a cooking class just to meet chicks if you don't want to know how to cook for your own sake. If you are interested in it, though, get out there and do it. Meet people. If you're looking for geeky relationships (friendly or romantic), find your local LUG, or an open source project you're into may have a local users group. If you're into Star Trek or role playing, look for a local fan club or D&D group or LARP. If you're a somewhat religious person, get involved with your church/synagogue/mosque/whatever. (Note: Do NOT do that if you are not genuinely at least somewhat religious.) Personally I'd recommend taking a massage class. Not only is it a very good skill to have, it's a skill that many people appreciate in a person (friendly or romantic) and my understanding is those classes tend to be mostly women, too. :-)
The geekier groups are likely going to be mostly male, but that's OK. You're trying to meet *people*, not *women*. The women come later, because they're people too. :-) (And acting like they're not is a great way to stay single.) Half the time you'll meet someone through someone else that you really like, that you wouldn't have met if you hadn't met the first person first. Friend-of-a-friend is a great way to meet people as well, if you bootstrap yourself first.
If you already have a few friends, see about tagging along with them to things they do. Odds are if they're your friends you have interests in common, which means you probably have *other* interests in common, too. If they're real friends, they'll be supportive of your endeavors.
I'll also add that when people ask me how I learned to dance, my answer is always the same: By being a bad dancer for a long time and not caring, until I got good at it. Socializing is a learned skill. It will take time to learn. Just remember that it's a much "softer" skill than programming, but that doesn't mean it's not as complex or challenging.
--GrouchoMarx
Card-carrying member of the EFF, FSF, and ACLU. Are you?
Roll your own geek. No, serious. A friend of mine is married to a beautiful young lady and she wasn't a geek when she met him. After 10 years she's almost as much a geek as him - she followed battlestar, and knows why the Minbari surrendered on the eve of victory. Another friend's girlfriend knew nothing about computers (neither did he!) but when they got one she became an net geek ( the late 90's amateur kind ), all IRC and Napster. Proper little nethead she was. You can take a regular girl and if you're lucky you can turn her into a geek. Just take a slowly and make it FUN. I suspect World Of Warcraft might be your starting point.
:)
Preferably, a furry convention - Anthrocon's coming up - but whatever floats your boat. Meet strange and interesting people. You are likely to find some attractive, despite the various stereotypes (you know, the same ones they have about geeks in general). Take it from there.
If you want to try things out and find some discussions, try plenty of fish at http://pof.com. It's a free dating site where you can practice. Some people actually meet there but do be careful it's still a meatspace. :).
If you are interested in using an online dating site, there is basically only one important factor. The site that has the most people in your area. There are some really well-built, expensive, or high SNR sites out there. I'll leave out the commercial sites I've played with, but the freebie sites that I've used, and been pleased with, are PlentyOfFish and OkCupid.com. I've used craigslist as well, but got too much spam to pay attention to the good responses.
Good Luck.
Read "The Game", and start your investigation: Style, Mystery, David DeAngelo, Carlos Xuma, David Wygant, Richard LaRuina, etc.
It will change your mind. Even when its about picking women, you ll learn about yourself, your irrational actions, and people behavior. After reading this material, try reading Frank Herbert's Dune and some evolution books like The Selfish Gene. Theres one about Sex and Genetic but I dont remember the name.
Anyway, try it.
This sums up my experiences almost entirely, and in a lot fewer sentences then I was planning. I would like to add 2 things to consider after you take the parent's advice. The first is to pay attention to your grooming habits and dress. Observe a friend, acquaintance, or relative that has success with women (I assume you are male), and take stock of how they present themselves. They certainly shower every day, they probably shave and comb/groom their hair, and they likely own a few pieces of fashionable clothing (I don't mean a wardrobe full of designer clothes, but at least a pair of nice looking shoes, a collared shirt, and some nice jeans or slacks). The first impression you will make on anyone is based on your physical aesthetic.
The second thing I wanted to add is that interpersonal skills are in many ways similar to skills you are already proficient in. They require lots of practice and a bit of study to become proficient in.
All you need is talking! Don't scary to talk with anybody.
I started dancing (primarily vintage swing -- Lindy Hop & Balboa) at age 23 with zero experience, rhythm, coordination, or fitness. Since then, I've driven 15,000+ miles just to dance and met hundreds of people across the northeastern US.
Dancing is a great way to make a wide variety of friends in all sorts of geographic locations.
*** Plenty of women, from a variety of backgrounds
*** Plenty of fellow geek men (ie math or sciences). Something about the structured social interaction and dancing makes it attractive to us. It's much less intimidating than going out to a club. Dancing is easier with a partner -- the responsibility for performing is diffused & shared, and coordination is biomechanically easier with someone else to help you. At least initially, the dance patterns are standardized (though there are many layers of variations and subtle differences that can be introduced at a higher level). Also, in an evening of social dance, you're expected to dance with a whole bunch of diff people, so you're forced to meet new people :-)
Women that I meet while dancing are never surprised when I tell them that I'm in CS. There are at least four male PhD student dancers (ballroom and swing) who work in my hallway. This phenomena is pretty general: high dance penetration in many CS, physics, and math departments around the country. I get a kick whenever I see a swing DJ post on a Bugzilla for a Linux media app, or geek out on hardware/software on the forums.
Good info: http://socialdance.stanford.edu/syllabi/musings.htm
Are you still in university? Great options.
*** Go to social dance club. They're usually pretty big, with plenty of n00bs. At my school, 90% of the active members are PhD students in math/science.
*** Go take the level one dance studio class (i.e. modern, ballet, hip hop). Gender ratio is in your favor for meeting women (about 10% guys, 90% girls). Plenty of awkward guys there, so you won't be too embarrassed. As one of the few guys in the class, you automatically stand out socially -- people will want to know why you're taking that class.
Swing dancing :)
Go on holidays.
Not the usual family / couple places, but the places lonely men go (Cuba, Brazil, Dominican). See, in places where there is no such thing as an easy job or social security check your regular geek job and income are a big plus in the mating marketplace. Your paychek can make up for deficiencies in socialising abilities. If possible, join a couple of geek friends to make a "same intrests" group for the holidays. Pick a nice one, young + sexy, and try to get one intrested in a long-term relation. You may have to learn spanish or portugese, but that should be no problem for a geek (learn 300 words in 1 week).
Not Starbucks.
Find a locally owned coffee shop that draws in the more unusual, eclectic, artsy types.
Take you laptop and do your slashdotting there. Get comfortable and become a regular in the coffee shop to where you know the clerks names. Once you feel like you practically own the place or it feels like Cheers (where everyone knows your name), then you are on the right road to meeting girls in a place that you are confident.
Online is a good place to meet girls if you are comfortable with that. I was looking for a girl to bring me OUT of the online world however, so I did my time at a local coffee shop with some good books.
Skype 3.6! (with Skype ME mode enabled)
I'm a geek, but have no problem getting girls from here. Of course there are bots and people wanting you to visit adult sites on there, but its pretty easy to know a genuine person from a bot, right?
I've had over 5 girlfriends, including the girl I'm with now, of which I'm considering to marry. Before Skype Me mode, I had nothing since junior-school K-I-S-S-I-N-G games!
Some rules:
- Skype 4 doesn't have Skype Me mode + dose have a really ugly UI. So don't even think about downloading it!
- Don't be afraid of the mic and cam
- Be respectful (shyness seems to work for me!)
- Be patient.
- Be open to travel - Quiting my day job, going freelance, travelling the world (to visit girls I met on Skype) was the best thing I even did! I've been to Taiwan, India, some places in Europe and China, ironically though, the girl I'm with now I met in my local city, via Skype!
Good luck!
#1: Don't try to meet fellow geeks. Meet anyone and judge them on their personality individually. Maybe you want to socialize with non-LARPs once in a while.
#2: Leave your home. You mention "meat" frighteningly often in your summary, so maybe some cooking classes or taxidermy courses? Volunteer at a soup kitchen or something. Join a sports team or a game club or something. If you're fitness adverse, now is a good time to start. Classes at a gym are good motivation to exercise, and you can meet people.
#3: Make conversation with random people if you have a difficult time talking to normal people. Buy a coffee, make small talk as you pay. Talk to your butcher when buying meat. All this will help your confidence.
#4: Leave your home.
#5: Find singles events in your area. Bar nights, group things, etc, if you're interested in meeting people without the pressure of one-on-one.
#6: Leave your home.
Did I miss anything? Seriously, it's relatively easy. Just harden up and go out into the world. Stop letting fear rule your life. You'd be surprised how often you can meet geeks by accident these days. Everyone seems to have a bit of geekiness about them.
or somewhere else where there is a 'critical mass' of geeks. after that, it should be easy to show up for LUGs and go from there. As for meeting women, I personally recommend Mensa. Worked for me. I actually met a nice embedded systems programmer on a mensa mailing list (rationalist-M-discussion, if you want to hunt down the archives) who happened to live a few miles from where I live. I have no idea why she chose me, but eh, we've been together for almost two years now, so I'm not complaining. I theorize that you just have to be clear about who you are, and eventually you will stumble upon someone looking for that. But the density of nerds on the sf bay area makes everything much easier.
I was getting very frustrated in my social life and finally just, more or less gave up. The next week I went to a electronics test training school in another state. I met my wife to be in that class. She talked, I listened -- for two days straight -- we laugh about it to this day. We have been married for 20 years and still going strong. They key is to just get out of your room/apartment and do stuff that you like to do. Initial meets can happen in real or virtual spaces but eventually you have to do the "meatspace" thing and really get to know each other. You can only get to know someone so much on Facebook or WOW but they can be great places to initially meet people. Get involved in other activities that you like--hiking clubs, astronomy or whatever. The key is that when you are doing group activities that you like you are also meeting people who at least partially share your interests. Also, and I hate to tell you this, but the right person can sometimes take a while in coming. In the meantime enjoy the activities and don't worry about it.
Metafilter is having a 10 year Anniversary series of meetups 17th-19th of July. There is bound to be heaps of people that you will have something in common or uncommon with.
Check up and see if there is one near you:
http://ten.metafilter.com/
If you find a gal that is candid, then you will know that the similar stimulation factors involving the motorcycle's seat/vibration characteristics compare favorably to the seat/movement stimulus of a horse under saddle for said gal.
For you motorcycle-less, and horse-less dudes, there is still hope.
Howard Stern conducted an impromptu 'experiment' involving a powerful subwoofer that the gal could 'ride' astraddle of a sub-woofer under his control that achieved the same orgasmic results of motorcycles and horseback riding.
Imagination and creativity is your friend.
Studies conducted decades ago came to the conclusion [citation needed-too lazy to look]that date scenarios that induced adrenaline and other thrills increased your odds of getting lucky on dates...scary movies, thrilling carnival rides, riding 'shotgun' in safe, sanctioned drag races, bungee jumping, etc...all produced positive results far better than the typical 'dinner, chic-flick movie, then try to enter on delivery to domicile'(can I come in for coffee, or 'one for the road') approach.(there seems to be some correlation between adrenaline induced episodes invoking some kind of sexual arousal...may be related to some survival instinct or dopamine levels in the brain chemistry)
It seemed that the more novel the date setting==increased 'getting lucky' factor.
Exercise her mind and imagination with the date setting, don't be afraid as being lame for not following the time accepted formula..chicks dig getting a non-standard date...it shows innovation and 'outside of the box thinking', which will make them feel special and cherished.
I once took a gal to an annual 'Machinegun shoot' in Arizona, packed a picnic lunch.
I let her fire many different select fire, and automatic-fire weapons during the day.
We did not get 3 miles from the shoot and she was suggesting us getting a motel room to 'work off' the excitement.
Get out to groups that share your interests, and talk to any interesting(to you) gals in those groups to find likely candidates for dates.
Being turned down is just a filter to apply, not the end of the world, nor hope. Even if just talking to them gives you a platonic friend, that's still a plus!(hint:the more desperate you seem/act/come across as, the less chance you have.
A wedding band caused me to need a baseball bat to keep them away right after I got married!
Act somewhat aloof, but friendly to all for good results.
Somewhat shadier, but extremely successful, is if you have a friend that has a small child, especially a really cute 4-5 year old boy...offer to babysit, then take him grocery shopping. Make sure to take your 'little black book', as you will fill it before you get to the checkout line!!!!!
My college roomate (female-it was a 'big brother/surrogate hubby relationship-purely platonic..she was a single Mom, 12 years my junior, but convenient for us both at the time to 'set up house' together-we had separate social lives) had such a son, so I know it works(see shopping/babysitting tip above...I was exhibiting a 'nurturing/protective' attitude that long-term relationship gals were looking for subconsciously. apparently, and they came in droves and flocks!
I have found other effective techniques, but the bottom line:
1. stick to the truth at all times, it's much easier to remember 'one true story' that subsequent inquiries will inevitably expose/uncover, thus corroborate...it will happen!
2. avoid bars/clubs as 'girl shopping' areas, unless you are a 'knight in shining armor', and can afford to put up with the complications tha always seem to arise...still recommended against, but YMMV. YMMV adversely to exceptions more often than not-be forewarned!
3. avoid preconceptions and expectations, enjoy and treasure the jewels you find...even if they are not 'that right one'
4. beauty is not skin deep...beauty is like a properly cut, dressed, faceted, and polished gemstone. There are many facets that combine to make true beauty, which endures
Down With Slashdot BETA!!! I've been around the corner and seen the oliphant; you can only abuse me from your perspecti
http://www.bharatmatrimony.com
hm. a place to meet other people, that geeks don't know.
it's called outside. get out the door and you're mostly done.
http://www.eatliver.com/i.php?n=4115
Translation: "Fuck bitches, make money."
It's not easy, but here are some low-key, geeky fun things to try:
* Roleplaying: you can join a club or just find a group near you that plays regularly. One place to find these groups is at your local game store, which might have a notice-board. If not, ask the proprietor, or try looking at online roleplaying discussion boards.
* Board-gaming: As above.
* Science fiction fan groups (seek real-life groups online).
* Roleplaying or science fiction or writing conventions, or board gaming tournaments - more intimidating for a newcomer than smaller groups, but with a wider range of people to meet.
* Social groups at your local university, especially if you are young. These cater to a range of different interests. This is where I found my first roleplaying group, and how I met my first friends after moving across the country to a new city.
* Film clubs.
* Linux user or computer modding clubs.
* Book clubs.
* Volunteering for a charity in an area relating to your interests: for example, I volunteer to sort book donations for Lifeline.
* For something more physical but still geeky, join a paintball or laser-game team. or for something more old-fashioned, perhaps a ten-pin bowling team that needs an extra player.
* Adult education classes (but classes have a limited time-frame, so you need to make your connections while you can).
If you like Theatre -- the live kind -- look around for your local community theatre. Odds are they'd love to have a dedicated sound guy volunteer to run their next show, and light and sound boards are easy to learn, and have about a billion buttons, which gives you about two hours a night for a couple weeks to play mission control from NASA as long as you don't miss any cues.
In exchange, you'll meet the cast and crew, and if you put for any effort at all introducing yourself, and showing up early enough to hang with them before the shows, you'll meet a group of people very different from anybody you'd meet elsewhere, and likely get invited out to events with them afterward (at least that's how it works at my theatre).
It's not all spotlights and roses though, these are actors after all, so the drama never stops. Still, they're an entertaining bunch, and they're better than the average bar crowd by half at least.
we got a winner folks
I am sure the term must of been coined awhile ago, but I learned the term from a housemate of mine who *HATES* technology. Like more private matters...everyone has their favorite term for things and everything else sounds strange or disgusting.
...call it meatspace...
"I am a meat Popsicle"
How many licks does it take to reach to the chewy center?
(mixing metaphors/analogies, and totally lost in the current space/time continuum)
"Normal people" are not real aware of Neil Stephenson, nor William Gibson. I don't see this as other than an isolated influence, focused mainly on SciFi fans and Geeks/Nerds.
Normal People(tm) would be mostly clueless, and the rest:"Meh, whatever those geeks are up to will not really change the world, or matter...there's no corporate money involved, so instant fail/unrealistic goals...ignore them as a passing fad."
a lot of girls i meet dont eat meat in "meatspace"
i always see cute girls in the fruits and vegetables part of the store like after 5PM
now the trick is making eye contact and initiating a conversation, which is hard if your shy
You aren't a very social person because you were fat and ugly and lacked grace and tact. Nobody wanted to know you. You had no choice in that. You knew that to get something worthwhile out of this miserable existence you had better apply such skills as you possesed elsewhere.
You are no more talented in the area of computing than would be anyone else, except that they are slim and good looking, consequently have a social life, and therefore did not have the time to study. Good on you! It was a clever decision. Now at least you can patronise those smiling life-and-soul-of-the-party types as though their good luck were a stigma.
Sorry, but it is neither your lack of social skills or your geekiness that is the cause of your woes. It's the beer belly, and the ugly face.
People like to label things, it makes things easier: you can skip the nuances. You are not a geek, you're a guy with technical interests, introverted character traits. And probably some character traits that are not often associated with geekyness, like being a great story teller or being good at some sport - other than chess ;-)
Start looking at yourself as a cool guy with a geeky job, because you happen to like that. Gives you a whole different self-image. Cultivate a few non-geek capabilities or learn some. Learn how to listen to other people instead of constantly talking about yourself or the things that interest you - not saying that you do this but I see it happen often enough. If you ask about them, if you (try) genuinely to understand them instead of explaining yourself, they will like you.
And then meet a lot of people, the dancing thing is OK, but making a habit of talking to people when you meet them helps lowering barriers - while waiting for a lift, standing in line,...
My answer? Boardgames. Find a boardgame club near you, join in and socialize. A lot of geeks have found boardgames as a good way to interact with other people, so chances are that the boardgame club near you has people like you who are trying to get social. The main point is not to go from 0 to 100 in one go, but to horn those social skills. I find boardgames a great opportunity for this as boardgames still call that inside geek that lives in you but now you are socializing at the same time. Especially the new european styled boardgames are great for this. A great site to get into boardgames is http://www.boardgamegeek.com/
There's lots of great advice in this thread about location, and tips on how not to freak someone else out.
But one thing to keep in mind, probably tip number 1 in my mind anyways, is once you've met someone interesting, don't forget to pull the trigger.
By this, I mean you have to act if you want to get anywhere. Don't worry too much about the consequences of said actions, and play it relaxed. So, if you see a lady you might be interested in, strike up a conversation. See if you can get 5 minutes of not-uncomfortable small talk. If you can get that far, maybe ask if she'd like to continue the conversation over coffee. Don't suggest coffee at a later date (but don't argue if that's what she counters with) -- just do it.
Commit yourself to coffee and nothing more. Do your best to convince yourself that the entire meeting ends once the cup is empty, and just focus on having a meaningful encounter for 20 or 30 minutes.
If things are going well, hint that it would be fun to meet up again sometime. If she agrees, ask for her number.
When you call her back, have something interesting that you'd like to suggest doing. Dinner is always safe, but make sure the restaurant matches the girl (eg. if during coffee she mentioned that she moved from the coast to Wisconsin, and misses Indian food, see if you can find somewhere with a wicked curry - don't, however, just book a dinner at a nice restaurant and assume that's OK). Better than dinner, try finding an activity, with a fixed start and stop time, that could be fun for both of you. Maybe there's a con or a concert in the park, or you and some friends are heading to the beach for an afternoon with a bar-b-q (note: this is only a good idea if there are other ladies coming, four dudes on an empty beach will be creepy).
If you think things are going well, and you feel a spark, initiate some kind of physical encounter. Start with casual touch (putting your hand on her shoulder, or on the small of her back), then move up to less casual from there. The more basic contact there is, the less creepy non-standard contact will seem. That is, if you kiss someone out of nowhere it will feel strange. If you have already been in physical contact, it's the next logical step. Also, this gives you a good way to assess how she's feeling. If she recoils in terror, you're probably not getting lucky tonight. If she's fine with it, or if she seems into it, awesome. Then, by all means, man up and kiss her when the time seems good. (But don't' wait too long or she'll get confused and think that you're her new gay knitting friend. You have intentions, let her know them.) A lot of geeks fool themselves into not acting on the physical side, by saying things like 'I'm respecting her boundaries by letting her pick the level of physicality...' Blah blah blah, most (not all) women are taught to not initiate things like a first kiss - they are supposed to flirt and encourage you to act, but not to actually do it. If you don't, you'll both end up waiting.
At this point, I leave the rest up to you.
OK, so this seems like pretty basic advice, but all of this is a specific counter to something that would block your standard socially awkward introvert:
- Not starting a conversation. (Just talk to her!)
- Not asking for a date. (Coffee is a date, but isn't scary.)
- Putting too much pressure on the first date. (You're just meeting someone, not assessing their potential as a life partner)
- Not calling her back. (Why do people ask for numbers they won't use?)
- Being over the top, or too generic in the second date. (Pick specific, interesting, encounters. And yes, your selection is a test.)
- Scared of physical encounter. (Touching is good.)
- Not getting past the friend barrier. (Once you are kissing someone, they have a good idea of where the relationship is going.)
... as someone who has "been there, done that"
Get the book "The game" by neil strauss, just to see that you really need to change your way of thinking and I'd hang around www.charismaarts.com and check the forums.
Those guys *know* what they are doing and get laid more then your average guy.
I've found that one thing that helps is being extremely physically attractive.
Girls are generally willing to overlook my math-related humor, oblique sci-fi references, and incessant obscure references to technolog, as long as I smile pretty and have my shirt off.
find some interests outside of computers. not just to meet people, but also to make yourself more interesting. If all you know is computers then what are you going to talk about.
hang out at bars on the weekend. This will be an excellent environment to learn social skills with "real" people. Take some friends if you're not confident going alone. You don't have to meet lots of people straight up, but just get comfortable being around people and eventually it will happen by itself.
> where do you meet fellow geeks
That's your problem right there! Why do you want to meet another geek? Do you really have such a low opinion of yourself that you think you'd only get on with someone with identical interests to you? Do you really just want to find a female version of yourself? Why not entertain the idea that a new person can cause you to develop NEW (gasp) interests rather than just tech related ones. I doubt many geeks have partners who are also geeks. Female geeks are actually pretty rare, and those I've met so far have been a bit "tom boy" (as we say in the UK) - ie, unfeminine.
Expand your horizons a little.
Go out and do stuff, like join clubs or get involved in local events. Some ideas:
1. Join a local amateur dramatics society. You don't have to act/sing/dance. You can work backstage on lights and sound (geeky stuff) or build sets. There are always more females than males at these things. The social side is huge.
2. Join a club to learn or enjoy one of your less geeky interests, like maybe dancing, playing music, photography, walking, etc.
3. Work in a bar at weekends. Girls you don't know will come up to you and talk to you - and order drinks.
4. Join a gym (you probably need to anyway) and look out for social activities.
5. Read the local papers for activities and events in the area.
Also: wash, shave, brush your teeth, cut your hair, wear clean clothes. Remove other useless blemishes such as iPhones.
Good luck.
I took up Scuba and Rock Climbing again (activities I enjoyed back in my Uni days, may years past).. There's a whole bunch of people you meet, and then the social activities kick in.. Makes things much easier.
Plus, there's enough gadgetry to keep the technical side of you occupied..
How about going to the pub for a few beers?
The rest is automatic
This is blinging
A motorcycle? A motorcycle !?!?!? Psshht. Phaw.
Why half-ass it? Get something real, like a private plane! That will give you confidence!
I have no problem with your religion until you decide it's reason to deprive others of the truth.
All the sexy babes want me... to fix their PC.
I met my wife and all of my previous girlfriends from the last 10 years at aikido classes. My sister-in-law has met her last 3 boyfriends playing hockey, seems like a shared interest is a useful thing when trying to meet people.
One option is to take the Mensa test. :)
If you pass it, you get access to your national Mensa forum. There you may find most kinds of people of both gender and different social events to join.
People there tend to be civil and tolerant and in general think before they post/speak (if sometimes only out of fear of being regarded as not-so-smart
You need to find the individuals you like, and to initiate contact with them.
Forgive me for posting anonymously.
urd
IRC. Doh.
0x or or snor perron?!
okcupid.com is a pretty damn geeky approach to dating
(1) Get fit doing something interactive. Take up a sport or do aikido (it's the thinking person's martial art :-).
(2) Get a decent haircut. Learn how to dress. These can be managed by giving your credit card to a hot girl you know who is willing to take you shopping. Try the clothes on that she holds out for you, then buy them. She knows more about this than you do. Nobody cares what you think about fashion: don't fight the power.
(3) Learn how to make light conversation. Anything technical or involving Star Trek is right out. Conversation involves (a) participation and (b) taking turns. Don't try to correct people's opinions.
(4) On-line dating. Seriously. It's a hoot.
I took up dance classes and did NanoWriMo last year, mainly for the meetups. I also do trapeze classes. All great ways to meet people but the main pint is I enjoy them.
Trust me. Social couples dancing. I've taken a lot of dancing classes over the years. Met my wife dancing. We've done ballroom, irish ceileidh, contra, tango, salsa, scottish, jazz ballet, the list goes on.
There are always way more women than met at dance classes and dance socials.
Dancing is something you can learn to do with practice. And as a guy once you can dance reasonably well the girls will seek you out.
Look for classes run by a local enthusiast group rather than commercial lessons : the atmosphere will be more relaxed and they'll be cheaper.
I am quite shy. I was at an event along recently and the band was playing a waltz. I turned to the woman next to me and asked her 'excuse me, do you waltz?'; she said yes, I dragged her onto the floor and we went round until the music stopped. When I took her back to her friends and thanked her the prettiest girl said "my turn" and I spent the rest of the evening doing laps with them.
Couples social dancing you get to hold a real warm blooded girl all to yourself for a couple of minutes. And, girls have friends, and go to parties.
If you want to meet girls you'll have to do things girls like. Even if you don't particularly like dancing, you'll enjoy the side effects, until one day you'll realise you do like dancing.
I know what I'm talking about here, 'cos I went from having no life and no girlfriend to creating a rich social life and very hot girlfriends in a period of about three months. It took a lot of work. I took that work very seriously. I didn't let anything hold me back. Not even a personal history of social anxiety disorder and very little money at the time.
After a few weeks of learning the right skills to say hi effectively, I started making friends and even girlfriends.
But I couldn't have done it effectively without making an effort to learn.
I suggest this book:
http://www.doubleyourdating.com/
Before I read it I hadn't had a girlfriend for years. After I started reading it, I had a girlfriend in about a week.
Check out the seduction community. You will have a lair in your city.
The community is a completely mixed bag, full of guys with different intentions. Most of them will be normal. They will be of different ages. You probably won't like a lot of them.
However, whatever they want, they have a common purpose:
They get together to learn social skills in order to improve their love lives. And if you put in the work, your life will change.
Personally, I think that the Mystery Method and RSD stuff is a crock of shit. It can certainly be most effective, and both schools are owed a lot of credit for what they have given to the community and guys in general, but they don't help you to be authentically yourself when you are meeting people.
Take from them what you will.
Check out:
http://www.charismaarts.com
There are a lot of free resources as well as ebooks that you can buy.
Waynes style is quiet natural and easy to learn.
Charisma is a skill and can be learned.
How good you can be at it depends on what you bring to the world as a person. But learning how to 'do charisma' will give you more choices.
Charisma, social skills, romantic love - it's all hacking. It's about bringing learnable skills to interesting problems.
There is a lot more I could say. But what it comes down to is that there are some great resources available. Success depends on the work you put in towards it.
There is no reason why any normal person should not have their ideal social life and love life.
Enjoy your journey
It was great while it lasted. I made it until death do we parted. Lucky bastard am I. I am drunk now. sad. :(
Try a normal dating site instead of slashdot! Write a no-nonsense profile there and go out with a bunch of different people. Some you'll like, some you won't and that's the way it will work the other way around. It's all good practice. Be at peace with your geekiness.
Be clean if you are getting up close to a girl.
Due to evolution the female human body and mind respond to certain things. It's a little disheartening, but also very interesting. Most females will respond the same way to male initiated conversations when used with body language. For instance if you smile at girls, they generally wont smile back, but if you squint a bit like they've done something naughty, then they'll smile.
http://www.google.com.au/search?hl=en&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&hs=Gqf&num=100&q=pua+openers&btnG=Search&meta=
Just one world: Mystery method.... well, that's technically two words
... but try Meetup.com. It'll help a lot if you have hobbies beyond the tech scene, too (yes, I know that's sacrilege).
Suggestions from my own life, some of which are still geekish, just not necessarily IT-centered:
You get the idea. Basically, if you go out there and try to have a real life, you'll end up having a real life.
Best of luck
Allegedly real newspaper headline from 1998:
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
Toastmaster clubs meet regularly to improve the non-written communication skills: speaking, use of voice, body language, listening. Their manuals are pure jewels. Their members are a mix between young and old, from different industries, often with less technical backgrounds, often more women then men (in my town anyway). Overall a great audience for us geeks. The speaking and leadership skills that a typical geek can pick up by attending and participating a year or two in Toastmasters are priceless. And so is the ego boost. It will work wonders wherever the dancing skills (further up) can not be used. The cost is ridiculously cheap: for what you paid for your latest gadget, you can be a Toastmaster several years.
PS: Combine dancing classes and toastmasters for bonus points. Good luck.
Meeting people online is easy, cheap and non-threatening. Avoid it like the plague. You need to get out of your comfort zone to meet people. If you're shy, take baby steps - make small talk with the old lady on the bus, chat with your supermarket check-out girl. Then read "Rules of the Game" - a 30 day series of "field missions." to gradually overcome your fears and shyness. Can't recommend this enough. Jeff
Wow, lots of replies, but very few that are useful. Unfortunately I'm probably too late to get this modded up, but let's try...
First and foremost you need to realize that "getting a boy/girlfriend" is not like getting a pizza. It's not like an achievement in WoW. It's not a goal. If you treat it as such, you will be all uptight, needy and hopeless. It is simply choosing to spend time with someone and having them choose to spend time with you. It's simple, natural and normal.
If it's so simple and natural and normal, why are there some people for whom it seems impossible? First, let me reassure you: You aren't a freak if you don't have a GF/BF. Well, you might be a freak anyway, but freakiness doesn't necessarily rule out getting a partner. The reason you are single is because you have chosen (probably unconsciously) to be single. You aren't willing to accept what you need to do/be in order to get a partner.
First thing you need to do: learn from Fenyman. He said that the secret to sleeping with girls is (wait for it)... asking them. That's right. You need to be upfront and OK with your desire to have a partner. You need to have courage. When the opportunity arises to create a romance with someone (who you probably just met), then you have to take it. Don't think about it. Don't hesitate. Just do it.
I know. You have all sorts of excuses about why you can't do that. You're shy. You're fat. You're ugly. You've been turned down too many times before. You don't want to scare the person off. None of that matters now. You must be absolutely insensitive to those things. Turn your brain off and go with your hormones. If it's being offered, take what you want. And don't under any circumstances start thinking, "Well, maybe I shouldn't because I don't know if it's really best for the other person"!!!!
This leads me to my next point. You are a jerk. You probably don't know it, though. You probably think you are a nice guy/nice girl. Well, you aren't. You're a jerk. Nice people are open and honest enough with their feelings to reach out to someone. You always hold back. You always underestimate the other person. You never let them take responsibility for themselves. The so-called jerks that you think about (the ones who are successful dating and have a million friends/lovers)... they are nice guys/girls. Study them.
I'm not saying that you have to treat people badly (quite the opposite). Definitely a lot of these people are selfish and self-centered. They can be idiotic. They can be mean. But in terms of making friends and lovers, they are nice people. You must learn from them. Get to know them. Admire the things that are good and emulate them. Probably this means taking a huge ego hit and accepting the jocks and low-brow people into your circle of friends.
Which leads me to my next point. Dating is fun. Making friends is fun. Partying is fun. If you aren't having fun, probably you are letting unimportant things bother you. You need to be confident. When one of your new jock friends puts you down, laugh and tell him to stick it where the sun don't shine. But don't let it bug you, even one little bit. Probably you'll have to practice having people insult you for a while until you don't take it seriously any more. Then you can laugh and party with the best of them.
In the dating scene, you will often find yourself in awkward or difficult situations. Being able to laugh and have a good time even when the world is falling to pieces is incredibly sexy. Check out the current Dr. Who to understand the attitude you need. Don't take shit from anyone, but also don't let unimportant things bug you. Just have fun!!!!
Those are the important things. There's one last thing. Respect yourself. Respect means thinking you are important enough to worry about. If you don't think so, then nobody else will either. If you are fat, get thin. If you are unhealthy due to lack of exercise, exercise. If you have bad breath, bad teeth, b
* Join a student fraternity. Works miracles for you social life, up to the point you have no other life. Also, good for learning soft skills (managment etc.) and looks good on your resume.
*Travel (without your parents of course). Network all over the world. The best way to make lots of friends is to make friend whose friend circles don't overlap. Also has the added benefit of having a place to stay where ever you want to go.
First, stop referring to yourself as a geek. This does you no favors with anybody, and even if it's true, you need to stop defining yourself in a narrow spectrum.
Secondly, the way you get more comfortable in social situations is to actually BE in social situations and take advantage of the opportunity to talk to people. Contrary to popular belief, confidence is something that must be learned, it is not genetic.
Third, what are your flaws? What are your weaknesses? How have you worked to correct them? And if you haven't corrected them, why not? Is it because you feel that you cannot overcome them, or is it because you simply have been stuck in a rut that you have been comfortable in?
Are you a geek because you enjoy being a geek, or are you a geek because you have managed to find a set of hobbies that require minimal social contact? Also, are any of these hobbies actually restricting your ability to otherwise have this social contact? Is there anything that interests you that can actually increase your chance of mingling with people?
Keep in mind that once you've gotten out of school, social groups tend to be more about what you enjoy doing than anything else. People move in and out of these social circles all the time, but others are generally welcomed in as long as they have a good disposition and are not obnoxious.
So go and get out of the house and meet people, and find what it is out there that you enjoy doing, because hermits are rather poor company.
Loads of geeks climb, it's fun/scary, the f/m ratio is good and there's loads of hanging out and chatting between climbs. I heartily recommend it. Plus you get a whole lot stronger, get the opportunity to learn something new and meet people you certainly would never meet otherwise.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it -- Groucho Marx
You may find "The Well Cultured Anonymous" guide useful. It's a how-to for geeks wanting to live in the real world, and covers both relationships / the opposite sex and important extras like grooming and culture.
http://shii.org/b/the_well-cultured_anonymous.pdf
two words; Mail order!
Just make sure they put some air holes in the box. I had to learn that the hard way.
And if it's popular enough, you never know... we might get our own "Personal" section right here on /.
(maybe your original intention was to create a personal section here?)
I didn't want a geek. It sounds good at first, but when it comes time to divide the chores, having a compliment is better than having a twin. I fix the stuff, run the file server, networking, and such. She does the bookeeping, taxes, and laundry. Stuff many geeks avoid. She was a budget analysit for a school district, keeping track of the annual budget, benifits, investments, etc.
She has hobbies including crochet, needlepoint, sewing, photography, and other crafts. When she does crafts, I do Slashdot. We both garden and take care of the lawn and vegitable garden. We are both comfortable using the computers and tech, but don't call her a geek. She is a wizard with Excel and Filemaker, and super at tracking our investments.
How did I meet her? Believe it or not, my church organist encouraged me to learn to square dance. I took lessons and joined a singles square dance club. It is people who are fit, active, generaly non-smokers, and not couch potatoes. If you are a geek slob, you will want to clean up your act. It's worth it. I am now a grandfather.
Dance clubs tend to have a good ratio of ladies. Get to know them on breaks. The singles clubs are not all old people. There are even teen clubs that mix in swing dancing.
The truth shall set you free!
I realize I am entering the lion's den covered in tasty meat-flavored sauce.
Step 1 : Stop talking like that.
:)
____
nico
Nico-Live
I took up the banjo and as the picture shows, it has done wonders for my social life (Safe For Work):
http://professional-geek.com/personal/images/misc/jammin.jpg
Mark Edwards
Sure, for every 100 people starting the M.Sc. programme in Computer Science over here in Stockholm, only around three of them are girls, but hey, I got one of them.
Other than that, there ought to be some nerdy clubs around. Here we've got at least two, Syntax Error and Mikrodisco. The former specializing in videogame music, dance mats and Buffy quizes and the latter in 8-bit music and the like (there's nothing that will draw out the girls like a live music performance on a Gameboy accompanied by a banjo, right...).
I came into college as a shy computer nerd, and my sophomore year I rushed a small fraternity. Being around older guys that knew how to pick up girls, find parties/good times, etc, really helped me, not to mention being a host of parties always helps
Ah, but this where the rub is. People aren't social like that - at least not in America any more. The media has convinced everyone that if someone is a stranger it's very likely they are a rapist, terrorist, or con artist. People don't just randomly walk up and start conversations with people like that. So it's virtually impossible to try to meet people without saying you have a sexual interest in them. Imagine you're walking down the street, and you see an attractive woman. Now, how do you approach them? You don't know who they are, you have no idea what their interests are. The only difference between this person and other women on the street at that moment is her appearance and attitude as they go about their business.
It's obvious the reason you are speaking to them is because you find them attractive since [b]you have no other reason to be talking to a complete stranger[/b] -- all you know of them is their looks. So just by saying hello you have already revealed you have a sexual interest in them.
Seriously my friend I used to be a nerdy programmer... now a I have fight my way through the babes with a wolf t-shirt.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QPB45AUmchM
You're looking for either a support group of people who are similarly challenged or you are looking for having more relationships with people, probably on a variety of levels and topics. You haven't defined what you want. If you want a support group, it's already online, filled with a variety of other people who may or may not want to do the second thing (like here). The easiest thing you and everyone else here can do easily (over and over and over again...) is attempt to pigeonhole people into categories based on what they look like to you on the outside, how you first observed them, what they have/had as a job, a college major, etc. The same thing you bitched about kids in high school doing to you. Grow up, go do something with people that might interest you or you might not loathe, and attempt to learn about strangers. Don't assume everyone wants to immediately hear all about you, you're going to get a lot farther with friends and/or women by listening.
Make a long term commitment with somebody that has nothing in common with you.
Now there is a great idea that deserves to be explored
IANAL but write like a drunk one.
Amateur theatres are always on the lookout for techies. People to do lighting and sound. You get to play with big mixing desks. And if you're lucky a computerised lighting board, maybe some robotic lights. You get to work as a team with friends and do a job with a definite end, that people will applaud you for. And then it's off to the bar for a few drinks afterwards.
Great for meeting women (if that's what you are after). In most theatre groups, women outnumber men something like 5 to 1.
P.S. If you want to fit right in, wear black. Everything black. It's the standard outfit for a techie.
.... getting a life.
IANAL but write like a drunk one.
I hate bars. With a passion. It is the least social place in the universe (unles you consider social a place where half the people are in the edge of consciousness ).
IANAL but write like a drunk one.
So it is unlikely he would use such contrived example.
I think he meant what he meant, no reason to over analyse it.
IANAL but write like a drunk one.
Has a great forum for learning these skills. It took me about two years to go from shy to having a girlfriend and it has been an incredible journey that has given me a better social life and a more positive outlook on life and everything in it. Highly recommended community! Good luck and welcome =)
Truthfully I'm an IT guy as well my downtime I like Video games and Anime. I met my wife to be at a convention believe it or not. Women are actually doing the convention scene. When I started doing Cons in the 90's women were rare but now there is almost a 1:1 ratio. The 4 Cons I attended before meeting my fiancee I was leaving with numbers and I'm not a great looking guy but girls are out there seeking guys like them. We have a good relationship its kind of cool playing and MMO and she's in the game with me makes RAIDS fun. Going to the movies is also a great experiance as we saw Lord of the Rings together. So if you are a guy looking for a babe go to the CON scene.
> ...women most dislike about geeks is their lack of personal style/confidence
Confidence and style; also breadth and depth.
The grandparent suggested a motorcycle, but that's just one way to appear confident. Become competent in a few areas outside computer tech; learn and practice things that will give you confidence about your abilities.
Martial arts is one; as you progress, it naturally gives you more confidence. But so does softball and playing a musical instrument. Pick something(s) non-geeky. Try several to find out what you like.
If you are weak in conversational skills, spend time learning and practicing them. Don't overlook Dale Carnegie's books.
Also shift enough of your focus away from tech to be able to converse in some depth about subjects that appeal to non-geeks. That's the depth part.
Don't substitute one obsession for another. Be able to discuss a number of subjects in fair depth. That's the breadth part.
As you acquire greater conversational skills, you learn how to listen and learn from the conversations. You learn how to participate in discussions about subjects you don't know a lot about, because you demonstrate that you are willing and able to listen and learn.
As far as style, avoid the temptation to shortcut by adopting someone else's style; don't just copy someone. Learn a bit about what works for you, and what you're comfortable with.
A portly 5'6" man won't look good in the same style as a lean 6 footer, and he wont look good in the same styles as a 300 pound body-builder.
If you adopt suits and ties but aren't comfortable in them, it shows. Being comfortable, in clothes and situations, is part of being confident.
Seriously. New people will follow easily.
Allow me to impart some of what I'd wish I'd known 20 years ago:
1) Smile. At everyone. Even if you don't feel like it. Practice it. See someone attractive coming your way? Eye contact, smile. That's it. Nothing more. You get smiles back, it leads to conversation, everyone thinks you're a better human being, and strangely, it makes you feel better, too.
2) Get a dog. A cute dog. Dachshunds work well, French bulldogs, pugs, etc. If you can't have one, find a friend who has one and borrow it for an afternoon. Take it on a leash to a "hip" area of the city on a nice day. Smile. Let everyone play with the dog.
3) Repeat step 2 with a baby. Borrow one from a friend, put it in the stroller, take it to the supermarket or the park or the hip area of town. Same gig as with the dog, just make sure to tell them that you're babysitting for a friend. Smile.
4) Take a craft class (pottery, photography, etc) or a yoga class or a cooking class at a local community college or the Y. They're packed with women, many of whom take these classes JUST TO MEET MEN, but if not, they all know single women. Smile. Talk to everyone, and just relax and enjoy it.
Assuming you've got the guts enough to close the deal ("Hey, nice talking with you, would you like to get a cup of coffee sometime? Can I have your number?") any of these tips will get you laid like crazy, and one of them may wind up being your wife.
Heh, this topic is particularly near and dear to my heart, as I was asking myself the same thing nearly 30 years ago. Not just for purposes of finding a geekette, but simply to learn how to socialize "normally", period! I would hazard a guess and say that many of we older geeks were much more isolated in our awareness of each other than is the case today. We grew up being taught by empirical schoolyard and backlot lessons that socialization was best avoided if we wanted to maintain at least some shreds of our ass at the end of the day. It took a fluke accident that left me bedridden for 6 months in my late teens and the crushing boredom/embarrassment I experienced during that time from being unable to relate/respond well to concerned relatives that caused me to consciously vow to explore my options. Long story short - I discovered pen-and-paper RPGs, from there discovered Renaissance faires, and I have to say that being accepted as an actor within the faires is the *perfect* way for a geek to gain all those mad socialization skills AND opportunity to practice them on the fair(e) sex of your choice. I give this perspective from the POV of one whose literal FIRST DAY'S exposure to a renaissance faire (Maryland's, FWIW) resulted in my being hired as an "actor" simply because I had asked (in my naivete) if I could work there, I fit a particular costume they had on hand,and they needed warm-body nobles to fill in the court. I *wasn't* an actor, had no experience at it, and spent that first season rather dazed and confused. The following years, however, led into faire-provided cast colleges, where we newbies were actually trained in how to comfortably interact naturally and entertainingly with the public. That first season, however, wasn't a loss - because after hours, the real fun (IMNSHO) began. EVERYONE is "different", and generally welcoming to everyone from every strata of society... and the ladies are quite often part of faire because of the perceived romance and chivalry (which surprisingly does carry forward into after-hours behavior to a muted degree) and some (many of the younger ones) also enjoy the "wenchiness" aspect of faire. For many of these faires, you don't HAVE to be an actor already - they will train you as part of their ensemble cast. They are mostly looking for people who are simply willing to get out there and be willing to make fools of themselves in public (unless the newbie is naturally talented) until the lessons taught really sink in and the newbs become self-confident. I typically run the Military Guild most years at the Virginia Renaissance Faire, we (and the other guilds) are always looking for recruits and our faire is really gaining a reputation for our cast training and interaction. Search Youtube for us, and you'll find my proposal to my wife (whom is a Trekkie programmer geekette that I had introduced to faire) two years ago. You'll also find wenches mud-wrestling, and yes, some of them still work our faire... The payoff is well worth the leap-of-faith investment. Good luck!
I'm a girl, and I'm a geek.
And in my defence (and those of other geek girls), we can be pretty good (looking) girlfrieds for u fellow geeks.
My boyfriend is 'one of us' too, and we get along perfectly. Its nice to have someone around who doesn't get bored when u talk about ur work or ur hobby for hours. who can relate, and understand ur behaviour so much better than any non-geek girlfriend/boyfriend.
As a chubby girl who is a nerd, I will say that if a clean overweight guy approximately my age asked me if I'd split a turkey leg with him, I'd say sure thing. If, upon talking with said guy, I found out he reads /. too, I'd be suggesting other things we could do together that would be geeky fun.
In my experience, that's not how it goes, though. The clean overweight guys approximately my age are attracted to younger, thinner women with prettier faces (that they usually can't get, but that doesn't seem to change what they want, and I'm not sure that it should anyway). I can get all the 50+ year old men, of all shapes and sizes, that any woman could ever want. Maybe 50 is around the age that guys realize there's more to women than physical beauty, and can appreciate my humor, my willingness to jump into a tide pool just because it's there and contains a tiny sand crab I wanted a better look at, interest in asking questions about anything and everything because I enjoy broadening my horizons, and my friendly, outgoing nature -- to say nothing of my ability to use shop tools that come in handy for robotics work, and to tell you what my name does to a document when it's typed in vi in command mode -- without thinking, "but gee, do I want to restrict myself for the rest of my life to just sleeping with that, even if she is flexible enough to do the splits and is enough of a realist that she would agree to an open marriage so that I could go get what I need elsewhere?". But just like the guys my age aren't interested in chubby girls, I'm not interested in someone I can't enjoy my current life stage with because he's already been there done that. (I'm not a bimbo model who'd marry an 80 year old billionaire "because she loves him").
Maybe when I'm 50, I'll finally find someone in my age range. I hate to wait until then, because there's a lot of fun I could have with a like-minded male nerd today, but it seems to be what I've been stuck with for the past decade and I just don't see it changing soon. For that reason, I can empathize with the guys my age who see pairing up with me as a "missed opportunity" in terms of their ability to spend the next 30 years sleeping with a supermodel.
Until then, I will remain a virgin, like at least a few of my male /. peers. I'm going to just hope that other women on /. have it easier on this front than I have, because I've had a particularly hard time of it. C'mon, how many girls have ASKED guys they were attracted to for sex, after going out with them a while? Betcha not many. Probably even fewer have been refused every time. It's not that I haven't been asked, but I've only been asked by bored single male friends who are not interested in me romantically (I'm good company, so I have a lot of those until they couple up), and by literally more than a dozen age 50+ guys, not by people with whom I'm in a dating relationship. I really, really don't want to grow old, but it's not like I don't see ANY benefit at all in doing so.....
So nerd guys, you think you have troubles? Try knowing that you've been refused for sex a half dozen times, when you're a nerd GIRL. (And yes, I've asked my friends, and none of them can believe that the guys in question would say no. In their minds, we were pretty equal on the attractiveness/social scale. Oh, and I've asked: I don't smell, either. ;-) It's just that my particular variant of nerd girl just doesn't seem to rate with my male peer group.)
One thing nobody seems to be saying, whatever you do have a good attitude. Even if you don't do anything different from your normal life, smile at people and ask how their day is going. Getting on a plane, smile and ask the stewardess at the gate how her day is. She won't have time to respond but it sets the habit. The security guard and the janitor wherever you work, say hello and talk to them. No one ever notices them so even if your bad at initial small talk they will be happy. It doesn't matter if you make an ass of yourself in front of the janitor, but it does give you practice at interacting with and meeting people. Just make sure to listen to whomever you ask a question of. After not to long you will improve your "initial contact" skills. You will also become known as the happy cheerful guy at the places you go to. Additionally, you will also start to appear, and feel, more confident.
The purpose of language is communication, If the idea is clear the grammar ain't important
http://stackoverflow.com/questions/79884
... that's bollocks. Not that I'm taking QI as the arbiter of whether something is bollocks or not. Discussion here (do a search for "Camel") and as discussed in the show.
Also The Straight Dope.
"The dew has clearly fallen with a particularly sickening thud this morning"
I am a computer geek just like the rest of you. While I may be a computer geek, I work at a circus school. Our students are 90% female, and that trend holds across the country.
You don't have to be buff to start taking classes, but if you can do a single pull-up it will help greatly. If you can last in classes for a few months, your chances go way up.
No matter what you've got going for you, or what kind of person she is, chances are that if you have low self confidence you won't be having an awful lot of luck. If you're looking for a long, healthy relationship, but are lacking in social skills, I'm afraid you'll have to wait. You can't play a single game of baseball and then assume you're ready for the World Series.
You need to work on those social skills before trying to enter into a relationship or it will fail. Regardless of if she's a blonde bimbo or nerdy computer geek lacking in social skills herself. Perhaps it won't fail if you're a quick learner, but the first bit will be rocky and if she's not the very patient type you can forget about it.
Obviously the key is practice. And I'm talking about real life, face to face practice. This doesn't mean you have to go out to bars and meet people. You can still meet them online, but it is imperative that you eventually meet them face to face and get some social exercise.
The second key is not to treat every woman you meet as the woman you're going to marry. Geeks seem to be particularly guilty of this. Instead just focus on having fun and enjoying each other's company. As soon as you start taking it too seriously you are asking for trouble.
Dating might seem like such a redundant and stupid process at first, but it really is the absolute best way of gaining confidence so when you end up in that perfect relationship you won't louse it up by doing something socially stupid.
That said, I met my fiance online. I used to be a bit of a social retard, but got some practice being social after meeting a few people I had met online. A friend had sent me a link to a Quiz site (what kind of Ninja turtle are you, or something stupid like that). The site, OKCupid also doubled as a free dating site, a child of Internet 1.0's Sparknotes and Sparktests. It's a great place for geeks to meet other geeks (non geeks tend to stick with sites like plentyoffish.com). The tests and their results are a great indicator of someone's personality. Someone can lie in their profile, but the tests they take (and their results) speak volumes.
This looks like Densha Otoko, a japanese movie/manga, where a guy asks advices on dating on forums, and get his life changed when he finally gets a girlfriend ( thanks to the advices giving him courage to go out ).
Good luck finding someone - online or not, can be tough. Can take years or a few days.
Going out/meeting/chatting with lots of people does help. Find some activity ( online or not ) where you meet people !!
I met my wife at a church single's group. If you're interested in more than just a casual relationship, I'd suggest looking for a woman of substance in a church group. On our first date, we played doom in the computer lab, she'd never done that sort of thing before, but laughed the whole time my other computer geek friends blew her away. I knew it was true love, because she didn't treat me as a child or that I'd someday grow out of what were at the time the antics of a geek. I think a lot comes down to your expectations. If you're looking to find a girl who is akin to the prolific pornographic images that are in the cyberworld, you're probably hopelessly lost without a prayer. But if you adjust your expectations to someone you can cherish in good times and in bad, and she you, then I'd suggest looking in a place where they teach that sort of thing still... Best of luck.
http://www.beanleafpress.com
I have a question for my unfortunate geek-mates, and yes, although everyone have same feelings like me I am the only one with guts to shoot the question. I never left my room, only to stare with my computer screen; there for I have never get laid. Lately I got bored from my right hand ( yes I tried left hand method also but corns on my hands tell the story), I like to use my weener for its right purpose. But I am not sure if it works and if it is how will I get to that point. I am making this sentence to boost confidence of /. readers to increase the possibility to get help, and I know they share the same situation - though there might be some bastards that may be really did it. So I am begging you (for the sake of my cat/pets), is it just a dream or is there any slightest possibility that I get get laid? :)
There's a small trick somebody not habituated to meatspace can easily pick up: if you wear all black, it's dead easy to look good (for some values of good, but still better than not bothering), and easy enough to finetune. Additionally, the goth subculture is particularly friendly to geeks, consisting (in places) largely of geeks.
Okay, so I know it's not actually meatspace, but I've had pretty good luck with OkCupid for meeting both friends and people for dating. It's free, it's geek-friendly, and the matching system works pretty well. Plus the questions are interesting, as are some of the tests.
I've been there too, but I have to say, just talk to people. The local college art club is always another good place.
Around my area there isn't a lot of geeks, in all honesty, geeks are rare if any. So when looking for a prospective mate, you go the the next weirdest group. Art majors like geeks too!
It might be worth trying to meet non geeky people. I think a lot of geeks are just by definition hard to socialise with. I was at a party a few years back, populated almost entirely by linux geeks, and it seemed like a bit of a train wreck from where I was sitting (By the arcade machine).
Meeting some more normal people has been a quite recent thing for me, and certainly a pleasant experience. (I've been playing the cello for some years and joined the local youth orchestra, which obviously may not be an option for you). The thing about normal people is, there are a lot of assholes who don't seem to crop up in the geek world. However, there are also rather a lot of very nice people.
If you really feel the need to socialise with only geeks, then you could be seriously limiting yourself. And if you think that normal people won't accept you, you are probably wrong. If you have a wash, put on a "normal" T-shirt (Just a brand or colour. No linux adverts or TV shows), and don't bring up kernel driver development, you'd be surprised how well you can probably blend in. I'm not saying you should lie about yourself, but you don't have to make it so obvious (In the same way a gay person doesn't have to be in the closet just because they don't walk around with one of those stupid "Nobody knows I'm gay" T-shirts on.
If you're anything like me, you probably don't want the normal meetup places, i.e. pubs, they seem to have a higher than normal asshole to normal person ratio. But if you can find something rather more sophisticated (In my case, orchestra. I don't know about you.), then you're in for a world of fun.
Another useful technique is meeting people without necessarily knowing whether you're going to date them or befriend them. Once you get to know them a bit you can probably gauge from circumstances and signals whether they want to be / could be your friend/partner. This being how I met most of my current friends including my best friend, and gf. The only downside is that I have a disproportionately high number of close female friends at the moment. But who cares.
(Your milage may vary. Since meeting friends, and having a social life, I have to some extent left the world of geekery. I still do the odd bit of tinkering, but I just don't have time for compiling. This time 3 years ago, I would probably be hacking in C. This afternoon, my gf is coming over. I know which I'd rather be doing. What about you?)
1 find something non tech to do (some sort of craft hobby) then find a local group that does this and join in
2 get a small dog and name it something not obviously geeky (spend more than a few minutes coming up with the name)
make sure you take your dog out for walks in any local parks frequently
3 get an account with SecondLife and Be The Small Dog (hey its a reach but you may have some local people in SL)
4 do Secondlife and be a not so small dog/wolf/fox
5 Profit!!!
* note if you do SL get a chunk of land and build stuff
Any person using FTFY or editing my postings agrees to a US$50.00 charge
If you have a hobby go to a hobby related convention. Learn some social skills and hygiene first.
Ask yourself honestly "why would anyone be interested in knowing me? what can I offer them?"
If you don't have a good answer that's a clue.
-- Programming with boost is like building a house with lego. It's a cool but I wouldn't want to live in it
Stop masturbating on the bus and ejaculating onto your own glasses. That generally freaks out the inhabitants of "meatspace."
But not much in the way of nibbles yet... I tried the bar scene, but that isn't for me... Please let me know howyou do it if you do!
A dog makes you get out of the house three times a day for walks. I have had many conversations with people who stop to pet my dog or ask questions about him. Also, the dog park is a great place to meet people. You get to know them - just by seeing each other every day - without any stress or pressure. If you really get along with somebody, but are afraid just to come right out and say it, you just organize a "play date" for your dogs.
I went for a social life to get laid. You otherwise don't even develop the skills to land one night stands... which actually suck anyway.
Support my political activism on Patreon.
Now that you have some avenues to pursue, the harder question becomes "How do I get myself to interact with others in socially meaningful ways?" Here I can only offer rules of thumb. You need to find out what works for you.
Well, I don't know whether these things will help or not, but they are a place to start. Enjoy!
I use irony whenever I can, but my shirts are still wrinkled...
Not many women will turn up their nose at a night out at the ballet. Learn a bit about the show and the history of the group and composer - stuff to chat about at dinner before the show.
You don't need to claim to be a fan, say your sister gave you the tickets, whatever. Just go up to any girl you're on a first name basis and is not attached and say, 'I have tickets to "name of ballet" friday, would you like to go?'
Making new friends and meeting people is simple, but not easy.
Prepare to work hard at this for at least a year. You'll have to put in many hours of effort a week. It will be frustrating, but it will pay off greatly.
The trick is to put yourself into a position where you have to interact with people. It is easier to do in more formal environments, like a class, but clubs, meetups etc. are also good. I suggest signing up for a class or three. Preferable something you like to do, but not necessarily. It will help if it is something that might attract geeky people, since you'll have an easier time relating to them. Swing or ballroom dance class, cooking class, welding, extreme beekeeping, anything that puts you near people is good. Look for clubs in your area that look interesting and go. Try meetup.com, craigslist etc. If you don't have any interests that take you outside your room, then develop some. Or just try something that you think you might eventually become interested in.
Going to social events might be scary and awkward at first, but you just have to keep doing it until it gets easier. This is an important point! While such events might be very scary for you right now, you have to do it! The worst thing that will happen is that you'll have a bad time, not talk to anyone, and feel like you failed. That is normal at first. You have to keep forcing yourself into social situations, and eventually you'll start to feel more comfortable. Don't judge success by how many good conversations you've had, or how many people of the opposite gender (POGs) you talked to. Success is having the willpower to change yourself and sticking to it for a long time. Keep track of this success. Make a chart of how many social things you did each week, and make sure that the slope is never negative for more than a few days. What you need is practice, practice, practice. And face time.
Take it easy at first. Don't set up challenges that are too difficult for you (eg. meeting POGs). Start slowly and work your way up as you gain confidence. It's fine if you start with super-geeky computer meetups or whatnot. The point is not to become a jock, the point is to gain experience and confidence in social situations. Once you've mastered easy and familiar social situations you can level-up to new social frontiers. Remember that it will take you at least a year to start building a reasonable social circle, and it may take you five to ten years to become comfortable in most social situations. You have time, use it to keep learning.
How to behave: It is likely that your social skill are poor at the moment. You have to accept this -- there is no way to pretend that you are socially skilled. The trick is to just be honest. If you don't understand what is expected of you , or you are nervous etc, just say so. While there are some jerks out there, most people will be very happy to help. A person that does not know how to behave in a social situation and does not know, or acknowledge this is creepy. A person who acknowledges that they don't know how they are expected to behave is thoughtful and maybe even slightly charming, and will bring out the helpful side of people. Try to be open and honest with people, and most will respond in kind. (Or if not in kind, they will at least understand why you are socially awkward, rather than just thinking that you are a weirdo.)
What to expect: If you keep putting yourself in social situations, you will slowly get more comfortable in them. You'll hopefully use this to go to more classes, clubs, and even parties and gain more comfort and confidence in talking to people. Over a year or two, you will start meeting one or three people who you click with and start going to social events with them (or just spending time with them). They will have friends too, and your social circle will grow. The more people you know, the easier it will get to meet people. Your goal is to have a small circle of close friends, and a loose network of less close friends who can get you into more social situatio
if ur not in Boston, start your own Nerd Fun meetup group. Almost 1800 people involved.
http://www.meetup.com/NerdFunBoston
A lot has been said here allready, and a lot of it is important: Patience, Persistance, Success by volume of throughput, focussing on non-IT stuff, etc.
What can help is structured social interaction. That doesn't exist anymore and was lost throught the last 100 years - aside from very small and limited areas. One of them is dancing, more percisely: Tango dancing.
I got lured into it by a former colleague of mine, a teacher I once worked with. She asked me to join her in Tango lessons, since I have stage-dance and Aikido experience and she could use a little help. I agreed and didn't think much of it and expected to drop pair-dancing right after the course again. However, I'm *totally* hooked! Tango is a very hermetic scene - and for good reasons too - with own dance events called Milongas and an eventually very close and intimate style of interaction between the dancing partners.
As a super-geek and nerd I find that Tango covers a lot of aspects for me that would otherwise be beyond my controll:
1) People dancing tango are smart and more on the intellecutal side of things - no ultimate idiots or drunkards involved, as Tango requires a working brain (and a little more) to do. I've allways felt that clubs are stupid and pointless. Now I know it and have found a place where people go that think the same way.
2) Modern Tango and Tango Nuevo in particular still have the important remainders of formalized interaction between the sexes as seen around 1900 or so. You need to get confident in asking the next lady to a dance (or 10 dances as the case may be) but with pratice your confidence grows and even a turndown (which I've both gotten and also given) is allways polite and non-offensive. It's even possible to dance with ladies that don't even speak your language, or only a little. ... Like that cute slender Korean beauty thats currently visiting her local relatives and visiting Europe and will be at my favorite Milonga on wednesday again ... :-))) Asking to a dance can be done with simple gestures - no speaking involved.
3) All abount pair-dancing but also the special thing called Tango (Tango is not generic latin dancing - its an own thing) can be formally learned like learning programming techniques or a martial arts style. You can rehearse the steps and styles on your own or with another insecure member or your or the opposite sex. There are quite a few of those too, you'd be supprised. It also is a normal thing to switch leads and practice with members of the same gender, especially for men. That comes from the olden days when access to women was rare and wide and far between and you wanted to be good when the chance to prove yourself in leading a lady came up.
4) Lot's of people dancing tango are motion legastenics themselves, so if you put a little extra effort into it (I go to 3 milongas a week and take at least to classes with different Tangoschools) you'll be king of the dancefloor in no time. I had ladies lining up to dance with me last week at my favourite weekly milonga! Seriously. You can imagine how that feels - and it *does* feel great.
5) Tango is a cheap and fullfilling. Dancing shoes and some chump change for non-alcoholic drinks at Milongas and the admittance boil down to 50 Euros a month at max. And that's if I by drinks for two ladies per milonga. Which I rarely do.
6) Dancing Tango with a Lady is a *very* good method to find out if she's a good partner and mistress. It goes just as well the other way around. 3 dances and I'll tell you if the lady and I go well together. And we won't need to speak a word.
7) Since scoring a pickup is a secondary and having fun dancing is a primary for all people involved theres a lot of humor and nonchalence involved in all social interactions. You sit together with the guys and judge the ladies and the ladies sit together and do the same. Experienced ladies and the Tango instructors in your local scene will acutally come up to you and tell you that you sho
We suffer more in our imagination than in reality. - Seneca
This book changed my life (somewhat) for the better. It's all about how to pick up women.
Don't take it as gospel, but as a framework for pickup -- and for social relationships in general (i.e. the advice works even in the business world) -- it's great.
Is Capitalism Good for the Poor?
You weren't "refused for sex". You were not asking for sex. You were asking for sex+entanglement (emotional). They did not want to make that commitment. If you really wanted just sex, and you made that plain (and you did not put performance pressure on them--something that scares most guys), then you would have very likely gotten it.
Pick some conventions that fit your interests and head there. Make contacts and follow up. Never know what could happen.
=-D-=
the easiest form of dancing to learn, but with a lifetime of embellishment possibilities (no footwork necessary in the beginning but can be added later, or not) 15 minutes of lessons at the start will get you started
a subculture that values playfulness over correctness
you end up dancing with/meeting many individuals (pretty much everyone in the hall)
a geometric flavor that those with a logical/mathematical orientation will probably find appealing
attracts educational and other liberal care giving oriented professionals
demographics vary but usually a wide range of ages and there are many areas with lots of young people (particularly near colleges)
transferable skill - dancing all over US and many other parts of the world
great live music (celtic, fusion and - my least favorite - old time)
wear whatever is comfortable (you'll see guys in kilts and dresses - it has no sexual orientation significance in this subculture) - clothes are costumes not hierarchy symbols
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Contra_dance
http://www.contracorners.net/contra/links/dancemap.html
There are sites out there like meetup.com, where you type in your interests and see what you can find in the area. If you can't find a group that appeals to you, take the initiative and start a group that interests you.
Meetup is not the only website that does, is just the one I use. You can also watch your local events websites and wait until one appeals to you.
Use the Internet, don't let the Internet use you!!!
If you're finished school, perharps pick up a class for fun. I met my husband in calculus class :)... If not, umm,well if it weren't for school, I only spoke online. Depends on what you like, do you go to cafes/coffee, bookstores? Someplace that suits your taste?
where do you meet fellow geeks
For your stated goals, you're asking the wrong question. Go meet people, not geeks. Surely you like something other than computers, right? (If not, then God help you). So go find other people who like that thing, and start talking to them. Every activity has some kind of group or location you can attend for it: dancing, foreign languages, reading, getting shit-faced drunk, watching movies, listening to music, etc. Just walk around the activity, after-party, reception, or whatever appropriate venue you've got, and introduce yourself. If you're too scared to talk to girls, then just talk to dudes you've never met until you're more comfortable with the scene. You can usually start the conversation with "Hi, I'm [name]. What's your name?". If you can't think of anything else to say after exchanging names, then tell a short joke, relate an amazing near-death experience that (as far as anyone knows) happened to you on your way to the show, perform a stupid magic trick that likely fails, tell a bold-faced "did you know" lie about an event in history, or just say "Well, I'm going to go walk around a bit. Nice to meet you, [other name]." Just don't talk about computers!
We don't know if kdawson is male or female, so some are taking liberties not to be assumed.
This person hasn't even figured out the date part yet. He/She also likely also a virgin in any real practical sense, going by the description of the situation. kdawson is still trying to figure out how to get closer than the same room with the opposing sex. Assuming of course they've been in the same room as one and not a virtual room. Usually yelling across the metaphorical room doesn't count as striking up a conversation. Throwing ones life into technology doesn't bode well for dropping of the drawr's on the first date. Way to much, to soon and doing a slow dance with ones favorite appendage, hardly qualifies as being sexually active. Lets not overload the senses or poor kdawson is likely to go off just riding that horse and never get into the saddle. This person certainly seems past the teenage and college dating period of life.
The above seems to be more theory, right out of some 'how-to get laid on the first date' book than reality. You don't learn how to meet opposite sex without listening to them first. Go out with a group for coffee or dinner, not to a bar. Preferably of dating people as compared to married types. But do include those a couple times for contrast. The first job is to just listen to what the other sex are saying and how they say it. Get comfortable around them, without trying to date them. This group arena, supplies a relaxed environment without pressure. You can pick subjects for conversation without fear of trying to make a fast first impression. It's not the same degree where one can practice basic social skills in a social networking site. There they can practice and it doesn't even need to be a real woman on the other end. Hairy old fat guy will do. The same goes for the 3rd time divorcee with kids, described as 'sweet'n'innocent' .
Now hit the grocery store, library, racetrack, join a club, or whatever other suggestions slash dotter's come up with. Because now kdawson will be better prepared to actually get to the next step in crossing that room and carry a conversation. Talking to the opposite sex, really is just about being able to carry a conversation. The rest falls into place once that single thing is mastered. Oh ya, that and personal hygiene.
I second the suggestions for meetup.com (how I met my husband and rebooted my social life), volunteer work, and dance classes. I know a lot of women who have taken ballroom dance to meet people and give it up because there are no guys. Also know a married couple, both very geeky, who met at a swing dancing class.
I have also suggested knitting classes to lots of guys I know. It's very math intensive, so a lot of very geeky women do it. Google "geek knitting" or "DNA Scarf" if you don't believe me. If anyone asks why you wanted to take the class hold up a geeky pattern and say you wanted this, but don't know anyone who knits.
I swear, this will make you as popular as a woman at Gencon.
Join a yoga class. Benefits of yoga class:
* Macho dudes don't go to yoga, so you'll probably be the only guy in the entire class.
* All those ladies in the class have computers. And they probably need someone to help fix their computers.
* No more sore back from sitting hunched over your computer all day.
* No awkward need to feel like you have to talk to someone right away. You can just go to class and get used to it first.
* If you do an intensive class, like Bikram or Ashtanga you'll get in very good physical shape, this will boost your confidence.
Get serious about working out and exercise (cardio/core/strength). Try a Yoga or Pilates class, the ratio is often 10:1 female:male or more. You'll look better, feel better, and things will just come together. You can go from 0 to seriously fit in about 9 months, but progress is visible along the way.
Rarely have I read anything more bigoted about women. Well, written since 1990, anyway.
I have been married for 16 years. About 90% of what you're saying is bullshit. Everyone has flaws, and some people have more than their share, and some flaws tend to run in groups. But the correlation is nowhere near as strong as you imply, and frankly some of the flaws you ascribe to women are more applicable to men.
Finally, go *actually talk* to someone who just got divorced. You are obviously just making shit up.
Try a local gym, take a group class and start off by trying to memorize everyone's name in the class. From there, just start talking with people and making friends, give them your Facebook profile (if you have one), and start going to social gatherings.
I would also suggest a local bar- regardless if you drink or not (and if you do, I strongly suggest joining the gym to burn off the extra calories that you will be consuming). Some bars have a vibe about them that bring out the eccentrics- find one and try it out. (I can think of a few here in Boston where half of the people on a Saturday afternoon are reading books along with their beers; or talking philosophy, glass blowing, and IT security).
My final thoughts are: Library - volunteer your IT skills (plus Library girls are cute & hot); join a museum and see if they have singles night (always great).
Also, don't be afraid to make a few guy friends. They can be great wingmen and people to talk to about bad dates / breakups.
III.IIVIVIXIIVIVIIIVVIIIIXVIIIXIIIIIIIIVIIIIVVIII
The first mistake you're making is that you're trying to meet women. Every girlfriend I've ever met I've met when I wasn't looking for one. For example, my current one I met while in training for the National Guard, in a 90% male environment. The last one I had I met as a co-worker in an auto shop, also a primarily male environment. Yet 9 times out of 10 when I deliberately go looking for female companionship I come up empty. If you go out like you are now, you'll stink of desperation, and that is quite possibly the biggest turn-off there is. Just find some RL stuff you enjoy, and go do that. Hell, even just playing online can sometimes lead to a relationship. A good friend of mine met an incredibly hot girl, who he moved in with later, playing WoW. The trick is just be yourself, be honest and open, and most importantly, be patient. Stuff happens, you just have to jump when the opportunity presents itself.
What about eHarmony, at least if they have an account on eHarmony, you know they are not computer illiterates.
If they have a WoW account, pass me their number, I would want to meet them too!
The most fruitful places to meet members of the opposite sex are the grocery store and the laundromat. Shop for groceries when the store isn't crowded, ask questions of other shoppers about food products or cleaning products or whatever...The laundromat provides a longer interface opportunity- learn a skill, such as how to fold fitted sheets...
http://www.nerdapaloozafest.com/ this is a good example of ways to meet fellow geeks. I recommend any event like this where people come together and share a common interest. there's also lan parties, anime conventions, linux installing parties and lots of other events and clubs where geeks come together.
Check your local craigslist and other sites for events and just got to a few! And remember, try and push urself to be more outgoing. I was a rather shy kid and I still have the tendency to clam up in public but if you consciously work on it you can change yourself.
Good luck! derp, i mean Live long and Prosper!
http://greenobyl.com/ please.... think of the children!!
Just about the easiest form of dancing to learn, but with a lifetime of embellishment possibilities (no footwork necessary in the beginning but can be added later, or not). 15 minutes of lessons at the start will get you started. A subculture that values playfulness over correctness. You end up dancing with/meeting many individuals (pretty much everyone in the hall). Flirtatious and tribal (lots of optional stomping and vocalization). A geometric flavor that those with a logical/mathematical orientation will probably find appealing. Attracts educational and other liberal care giving oriented professionals. Demographics vary but usually a wide range of ages and there are many areas with lots of young people (particularly near colleges). Transferable skill - dancing all over US and many other parts of the world. Great live music (celtic, fusion and - my least favorite - old time). Wear whatever is comfortable (you'll see a few guys in kilts and dresses - it has no sexual orientation significance in this subculture) - clothes are costumes not hierarchy symbols. Whirling is part of the high (but I advise first timers not to eat for one or two hours before the dance). http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Contra_dance http://www.contracorners.net/contra/links/dancemap.html
this podcast explains the fundamentals of being attractive to women. After about 10eps you realise why you never got a date at high school. After a little troubleshooting of your appearance and behaviour, women actually starting chasing after you. it's wierd.
(1.21 gigawatts) / (88 miles per hour) = 30 757 874 newtons
Do you play an instrument? If not, buy a $200-300 acoustic guitar, practice for an hour every day, and within a few months you'll be ready to entertain your geeky cohorts and their visiting, geeky, out-of-town little sisters with such geeky hits as "Singletaskin' Blues", "I Left My Heart in Silicon(e) Valley", and "I Love You but I'm Ugly". Toss in a few bottles of wine, some beanbag chairs, and baby oil, and by the time you get to the BDSM scene in "From Beyond", you might have a new geeky girlfriend! Worst case: you'll piss off all your friends, and can start over with a blank slate.
From a geek chick, I can assure you, most of us are probably NOT flitting around on Match(less), (Dis)Harmony, or Craigslist for that matter. Good job for wanting to get out of the house! Now, are we looking at just wanting to pick up a girl (which is not necessarily a bad idea) or are you looking into relationships?
If it's just picking up a girl, well, any club/bar/etc. could probably do it. No cheesy pickup lines, please- we've heard them all. And I fear for you if one actually works on a girl- there's easy, but sometimes there's such thing as too easy. Just be polite, be confident, and don't fear rejection. There's like 6.8 BILLION people on this planet, a little over half of which are female.
If it's relationship time, go to places you like to be. You have better chances of meeting someone with similar interests in places that you also like. Look in the phone book or pay attention to the smaller shops on the roads you travel- you might find a new haunt with people you haven't met yet. I met my geekguy in an indie coffeeshop when he was poring over his new Linux installation and I was desperately trying to get away from a guy who I started to convo with about legit shit, and then realise that the other person was CRAZY. Geekguy got up from his laptop to put an end to the mess and talked sense. He was interesting. I went home with him that night. A year later, I'm still with that awesome guy. Yeah, it was a stroke of luck, but both of us had to get out there and at least try to have conversation first to get this far, right?
On the relationship thing... just so you know... women are usually taught/told to "be mysterious" and not to talk about important shit until you're practically cemented into the relationship. Maybe this is fine for you. But you and futuregirl might want to get it all out beforehand- no surprises that way. My credit? GONE, thanks to ex putting me in the ICU for a week. I told my guy this the first week I knew him. That way when he (months later) put me on his bank account, he was not surprised when he suddenly couldn't get a loan. So far, brutal honesty has worked out well. We seem to be much happier and less desperate than most of our friends and people we know. Maybe it'll work for you!
join a irc chat room with the name of your city, so you will know these people guys and gals, and when theres a meeting (here in spain we call it 'kedada') go there!.. so you will meet in person people you already know. guys and gals with you can have a laught and cross-invite some beers.
-Woof woof woof!
Stop hanging round with other geeks .. :)
The Big Bang Theory
There is no formula for romantic and sexual success in the USA more certain than an English accent. I moved to the USA 30 years ago as a fairly introverted COBOL programmer of limited sexual experience, and within days discovered the magic that an English accent exerts on American women. Here's a typical bar exchange. The bar could be in any city in the country.
Me, to bartender: "May I have a Heineken, please?"
Attractive unaccompanied lady at the bar: "Oh, I love your accent! Where are you from?"
Me: "I'm from England. Where are you from?"
AUL: "Don't let's talk about me, let's talk about you. I just love your accent!"
Me: "May I buy you a drink?"
That's it, really. Go to acting school and learn English.
Away From The Keyboard? Unplugged? ;P
[ $[ $RANDOM % 6 ] == 0 ] && rm -rf / || echo *Click*
I would start with a LUG (assuming you the understand Open Source crowd) though it is very rare to see a female of the species there it will serve as a gentle introduction to interfacing with humans. You might not think that you are out of touch but even I as a teenager who had only been in the dark for about 2 years found it a culture shock.
You will know when you have the basics down when you feel comfortable attending and talking to most people in the LUG.
I think also a job change could put you well on your way. Put yourself in a position where you have to consider tact and professionalism (as a Consultant or even some sort of technician). When dealing with people becomes second nature then you are probably up to where I am.
I cannot offer any guarantee that you will be successful. From experience what I have said has worked well so far - though I can tell you the most difficult part of all of this is bringing yourself to definitively make the decision to grow up, get up, do something and stick to it.
Here's another thought - what about going back to some sort of schooling? University/College is probably a great place to meet people, especially if you intend to do so.
Really I think you have not been active enough in your local community.
We have legalized corruption in this country and collusion between the banks and the government.
Lots of people are out on the street because of this and many more join their ranks everyday.
Get involved and help them.
-Hack
Got Geometrodynamics? Awe, too hard to figure out? Too bad.
This woman is a gamer, and even blogs about her days with WoW and Second Life. She is also very outgoing (but feels more at home with "geeks") but has the same problem with men. Are links allowed on here? I'll post it and find out...
http://forums.anandtech.com/messageview.aspx?catid=38&threadid=2308402&enterthread=y
I was tempted to get her a copy of Outlook so we could schedule meetings.
Outlook!? Hand over your geek card. You'll get it back in two weeks, that'll give you some time to think about using such expensive lazy-ass solutions.
;-) )
(That should help you with the ladies, you can thank me later
"When information is power, privacy is freedom" - Jah-Wren Ryel
If you have to ask this question you are beyond any help slashdot can provide. May as well just get used to the fact that you are going to die alone.
here is what you do
1. be an jerk
2. then be romantic
3. repeat
thats how i got my wife 10years still happy
Take your niece or nephew to the park. The younger they are the better. Nothing attracts young women like a toddler or baby in a stroller. It is even better that a puppy.
Undetectable Steganography? Yep, there's an app fo
Last week I wrote a short blurb on Why I am UU. While I did not use the term meatspace, it is a social gathering of interesting people, with a high percentage of GEEKs. UU is Unitarian Universalist. It does not ask you to believe in anything specific, only that you are open to exploring the mysterious aspects of Reality. (http://www.jch.com/jch/YIMUU.html). While the congregations themselves are not the most efficient meat markets, there are "young adult" gatherings in some cities. It's really good for GEEKs with kids.
Most of my geek friends met their wives in marching band. It has a nice male to female ratio and everyone has something in common. They're a geek.
http://www.gamingpassions.com/groups/World+of+Warcraft.html
I'm a geeky girl. I don't really look for geeky guys, but it's a bonus when I find one.
Don't you people have friends? Network man! Network! People aren't products, you don't go to the store to buy them off a rack. There isn't "A PLACE" to meet people. You can meet them anywhere. You need to re-learn how to network.
Call a friend up (I assume you have one) and go ANYWHERE with your friend. When you two are having a good time doing whatever it is you do it will draw others to you. Your group gets bigger. Go to different locations. Group gets bigger. Eventually your social group hits a critical mass (4-8 people) that you can consistently "do things" with.
At that point you are "socially" accessable. You are a functioning human being that interacts with people. Potential "mates" see this, you are 'normal' (whatever that actually means) and not a creepy basement dweller.
It is the macro version of the "Get a plant, get a pet, then try people" buildup.
You don't GO somewhere to meet people, you meet them everywhere you go. Target, Irish Pub, Dance Club, Bondage-a-go-go night, library, street, sidewalk, dog park, etc.
-=[ Who Is John Galt? ]=-
It's interesting that, right off the bat, people are thinking that a sex life is what you're after. Yet that is not what I understood from your inquiry. Perhaps I am mistaken.
Most importantly, please do not rely upon your coworkers to satiate your desire for socializing. They will despise and hate you for the distraction you will become on the job. That may be the case with you already -even without your realizing it. You must back off immediately. Leave your coworkers alone. Give them the space they need to do their jobs. They are there to collect a pay check and so should you be.
Desiring interaction with fellow humans seems natural enough but it isn't always something you can force. Having a goal of a social life is a recipe for disaster. Friends will come to you but you can't force that. You can do things to be receptive of gaining friends such as being polite, and kind and otherwise not a jerk. Do not use flattery or otherwise be a suck up. Don't complicate things by reading so many books on the subject. Just be yourself. If people like the person who you've chosen to become, by your life choices, you might have a social life.
Good luck, fellow human.
from observation of the geeks i know, they like to do the following: swing dance, rock climbing, ultimate frisbee, road biking/cycling. sometimes girls do these things too
I think what you are looking for is World of Warcraft!
You will get all the social interaction that you can wave a wand at! Plus you have the added bonus of having the opportunity to meet the opposite gender, just be careful that the Level 70 elven priestess is not really a 15 year old boy out for a laugh!
Keeping those things in mind this will work wonders on anyone's social life. You have a 1 in 3 chance of meeting someone.
I attend many of the annual security talks, but there are talks for all the spectrums of IT. Some of the security conferences I attend include Defcon and Blackhat, but you can look up many others as well. Just going to the bar could work also. I was at a bar this weekend and began chatting with a group of women, all of whom turned out to be programmers. Just get out anywhere an talk to people is the best way to meet anyone.
Just because you are wrong and I called you out on it doesn't mean I am a Troll.
Local University or College Ballroom Dance Club - used to run one with 2000+ students but doesn't have to be that large. Women are all in love with it and "cool guys" are mostly "too cool" to be seen there. You will learn to dance with lots of women - both the beautiful ones and the not so much - then you'll start to look in the mirror and see how others might view you. You will start to notice that many of the guys are from computers, math, science and engineering. Then you will learn that this is because there is lots of structure and patterns involved in learning ballroom dancing. You might start to realize that there is nothing more cool than learning how to treat women properly and with respect. The women you will meet will mostly be educated, interesting and want to meet men - this is why they are here... they want someone to dance with them.
My friend asked me to come out to a dance class one night and I loved it - I loved the women and the patterns and I was shocked at how uncoordinated I was. I practiced and I changed this until I understood that I wasn't born uncoordinated, I just sat behind computers my whole life so my body had never done much. Our club allowed students, alumni and non-students (with quotas) and of all ages. I was petrified to go because I thought it was "gay" but boy was I wrong. Best thing I ever did. If you are intelligent, perhaps educated (not necessarily), and want to meet like-minded people, then please give this a try (not a local dance studio - something very different). ...and for heaven's sake, whatever you do, don't do it online - there is a 3D whole world out there to live and explore and to achieve some balance, you must do it out in "meatspace".
The answer is straightforward common sense. Get a haircut (go to a real hair stylist. Copy the hair style of a celebrity who looks like you.). Wear some neat clothes (copy clothes worn by celebrities who look like you). Do not wear a beard or moustache or fluff under your lip. (you can do that once you have a life) Maintain a high standard of personal hygiene. Get a part-time job in a popular bar. ( I appreciate that in the US you will need to take the Bar training course but look on it as an investment.) Always look as if you already have a girlfriend - do not look hungry. Never talk about yourself and never be self-critical to anyone - not even the mirror. Have clear insight into who you are and what you can be. Be honest, generous and helpful. Be witty and funny but not witty and sarcastic. Be decisive and be responsible for your decisions even if they are wrong. When anyone tells you about their problem sympathise but never offer a solution - you don't have one for them. If anyone asks you for advice only ever give the advice you would take yourself. Don't expect them to take it. Don't expect the world to turn up on your doorstep.(In the right bar most of the world will eventually pass through it plus you will gain in life experience.) Cultivate friendships by being all of the above. Lose the focus on having a social life and have one instead because having one is fun.
Posts, MyBio or Sig, may contain satire, sarcasm, bolded nouns be sardonic or even witty & be Church of SD
So says the man with an 8 digit UID
Slashdot's rate-of-post filter: Preventing you from posting too many great ideas at once.
Remember the holy oracle of all things Office Space?
Watch Peter Gibbons pull Jennifer Aniston while she is working. Pay attention to his demeanor, language, everything. He's itching to bone that chick and yet he is so aloof and non-chalant about it when he asks her out.
Comment removed based on user account deletion
Most geeks don't care about Second Life, and granted it's got more than its fair share of crap. But try it. I did: it's surprising the number of girls on there. And if you can't stand going to real life clubs, bars, etc... SL has its fair share, as well as genuine fan groups of your favorite sci-fi, TV series etc. Why not hang around there, and chat?
How about "physical space"? Granted, even the "virtual space" of the internet still has physical existence, but one cannot directly touch streams of electrons zipping through copper and fiber-optic cables.
I write sci-fi for metalheads
Get rich. In Corporate America, social life finds YOU!
When somebody asks you why you're still single, there are only two appropriate answers. If the questioner is of the gender you do not find sexually attractive, the appropriate answer is, "None of your business", or a variant thereof. If the questioner is of the gender you do find sexually attractive, then the appropriate answer is, "Unless you're interested in making me not single, it's none of your business."
I write sci-fi for metalheads
I hate to sound like every Disney and sitcom character during the epiphany stage of the movie or episode, but the honest answer is that you just have to come to terms with yourself before you'll be able to find the confidence to meet people.
All the above advice about what you should or shouldn't do, where you should or shouldn't go, isn't going to matter one bit if you arn't comfortable enough with yourself to be able to offer the good times, support, excitement, and attraction that your potential mate is looking for in a man. To be an attractive candidate, you have to be self-sustaining. You have to make it clear that you are low maintenance and willing and able to shrug off the small stuff so that you can give a girl the uncomplicated, stress-free, not-difficult-in-any-way good times that she's been looking for. The moment you start to clam up or backpedal or panic, their interest in you will dry up.
In other words, once you learn to let go a bit, stop fretting over finding someone, stop self-analyzing and being self-conscious, and finally become honest and comfortable with the type of person that you are, you'll be able to be open and honest with the people you meet. You won't have to ever put on a show or google for jedi mind tricks you can use in social situations, because you'll be strong enough to say "if this person likes me, then great. If not, that's fine, we're just not the right type for each other" and move on.
That's not to say that it's not possible to find someone who's equally 'immature' in terms of their self-discovery who would be willing to spend time with you. But neither of you will be happy because it will be a constant effort to prove yourselves to each other over and over until someone can't deal with it any more. Any woman who HAS reached that level of maturity will recognize that you're not ready for a relationship shortly after you approach them, and hopefully let you down easy.
I find that the challenges inherent in describing to someone how to be emotionally mature are reminiscent of Plato's allegory of the cave. Once you see the light it's difficult to come back and describe how to find it to the people who are looking for the truth. It IS there, though, a self-discovery waiting to happen, and when you find it, you'll wonder how you could ever have had trouble finding your very own sweetheart. There isn't much I can do to tell you about how to interpret yourself, though. That's why there isn't such a thing as man page for the human heart.
Alright, a few things, because I'm currently headed down this path myself.
First things first, personal hygiene and clothing. You don't have to look like a movie star, but get a few new sets of jeans and nice shirts, not tshirts, something decent. Casual. If you have excessive facial hair or sloppiness, get that cleaned up. Not even saying to get rid of it, just make it neat. Look presentable, and SMELL presentable. Nothing gets you out of the game quicker than some nasty BO.
CONFIDENCE. Members of the opposite sex love confidence. For some it may be a hard thing to obtain, so start small. If you've never gone out to even the most basic social gatherings, force yourself to do so. Go to the bookstore, coffee shop, somewhere laidback that has live music, art museum, outdoor park, go jogging, go swimming, basically just get out there and DO. Try things you never would have really considered before, but sound like something you might want to do. BE OPEN MINDED. Hell, I went to a roller derby, I had never seen one before, and it was REALLY AWESOME.
BE YOURSELF. I cannot stress this enough. If you are a geek, that's fine! That's who you are, you shouldn't seek to change it. Wear it on your sleeve. Be proud of it, but be classy and subtle about it. For example, I'm into anime, anime music videos, video editing, the like. And I'm into it really hardcore. I go to many conventions, I win lots of prizes for my videos, I have a substantial fan following. But I also meet lots of really cool people, and in general when "outsiders" see my work they are pretty impressed and find my videos a lot of fun. BUT, I don't cram it down their throats. I think that's one problem we as geeks run into often, we don't stfu and listen to other people. So, be confident, but don't dominate the conversation. ASK QUESTIONS OF OTHER PEOPLE to get to know them, and LISTEN for their responses. LEARN TO CONVERSE.
It won't happen over night, but give it a chance. I had a few outings I at first considered total failures, because I gave it my all and it seemed like nothing happened. KEEP IT UP. I have been amazed at the positive attitudes I have run into and the people I have met just putting myself out there and trying new stuff.
Look for a Meetup group or groups in your area. (google meetup or meetup group) And get in on them and get out there. Maybe start one of your own. Great way to meet a wide range of local people. And if you live in BFE like I used to, seriously consider moving someplace bigger, or at least traveling way more often. I moved from a tiny town in Tennessee to a bit bigger one in Florida in January, and I have had a neverending list of things to go do and see since then.
It's a slow process, depending on your introvert factor, but KEEP IT UP, it's definitely worth it. Good luck!
Interesting. I grew up with parents who were not the same age. They were 15 years apart, my dad being older. In fact, mom was exceptionally attractive and dad had been through a physical hell behind japanese lines in the Philippines during WWII and looked far older than his years. As a result, the *apparent* difference in their ages was far greater than the actual. She was routinely assumed to be his daughter and, on one occasion I can remember, his granddaughter.
They were great together. We're talking loving, gentle, inseperable. It was textbook example of what a marriage should be. Thus, I grew up thinking nothing of huge age differences. When I was 35, I was seriously involved with a 50 year old woman. When I was 40, I was seriously involved with a young lady for whom I had to pick out a high school graduation present. Age differences have never meant squat to me. In fact, I find relationships where we have too much in common to be boring. If we're both the same age, same race, same religion, same economic background, same level of attractiveness, then we tend to approach similar situations in similar ways. I find that boring. Women much younger, much older, of a different race or religion, from a different country - they tend to look at any given situation completely different from the way I do. We talk about why. I learn things. I gain perspective. I'm challenged and I have fun.
So give an old guy a shot, will ya? It might not be so bad.
Not sure they took people like me into account. Almost every film I watch is Blu-ray. I don't buy them but rather Netflix them. The price difference there is only slightly higher than DVD ($3 a month I think right now). I own one Blu-ray movie I was given as a gift when I got the PS3. For the difference in price netflix offers (they really seem to have gotten the clue more than Sony) I'll keep getting everything I can in blu-ray.
What is and will hamper adoption, economy being down or not, is the price. People aren't going to play $200-300 for a player and $30 a movie. Period. The PS3 helps adoption for gamers, but not to those that don't care about games.
I totally agree with broadening your horizons, and trying to socialize with people who aren't necessarily exactly like you.
My suggestion would be to join a social organization. My particular favorite is the Junior Chamber (formerly the Jaycees). Membership is open to anyone between the ages of 21 and 40. What they do, in a nutshell, is put on a variety of projects throughout the year -- some educational, some for fundraising, some for community development, and some are just for fun. You will learn a LOT about leadership and organizational management, and you will meet a broad cross-section of people from your city or community. A listing of chapters across the US can be found here.
Here's the thing: you need them and they need you. Most chapters are in need of tech help, someone who can do web stuff and the like. You need them because someday you are going to want to change jobs, and you may meet someone there that will help you get your foot in the door at your next company. I also know a lot of JC members who met their spouses there.
I mention the Junior Chamber because it is specifically geared towards young folks, and they are very active in a variety of ways. If not that, then there is the Chamber of Commerce, Toastmasters, Lion's Club, Rotary Club, and about a billion small groups on MeetUp.
I'm a scientist (male, divorced, 2 spawned processes) at a government lab, and though at least 40-50% of my coworkers are female, I still have a hard time meeting more of them. My suggestions: get your behind to the nearest community center and take and non-tech-related class such as cooking or dancing. Just get out of your comfort zone and get into any situation that will involve meeting people.
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
Posting as AC, but the number one thing you need to do is to push your comfort zone and be spontaneous.
What you are doing now is not going to get you further along. You need to try something new; church, book club, poetry readings, volunteer work, visit an art gallery, wine tasting, social clubs.
You might need to dress a little bit flashier/fancier. I am not recommending blowing money on designer clothes, but definitely branch out from t-shirts and flame/dragon covered button ups.
It isn't an easy process, but you will find other interests besides the nerdy ones and you don't have to sacrifice your inner nerd.
I'm gonna assume you're a guy (you probably are). Why would you want to meet female geeks? THINK of all the female geeks you know. Is that what you really want? Just because I like starships, D&D and computers does not mean it's in my best interest to hunt for chicks who resemble me. Besides, women are pretty malliable in the initial stages of a relationship, you could probably get a 10/10 cheerleader to play D&D with you and your nerd friends. Here's my advice: 1) Learn how to dress and do your hair. You don't have to, but it will help a lot. 2) Go to places where there are females. If you're still a student, take some courses with a high female ratio. Join a few student clubs, run for exec positions. Go to parties. A word on nightclubs, these are the worst place to pick up. The competition is brutal and a lot of women go there for the attention. 3) Don't act like you're there to pick-up. You're just there to have a good time. A lot of women are put off by really aggressive guys. I'd wait till the second or third time you meet someone before making any moves. Sex is like money, no one's gonna give you any if they think you need it. 4) Women are not your friends. Don't waste your time building friendships that won't last. Remember: "Friend guys; fuck girls". If she's not interested, it's time to fold and leave the table. 5) You're gonna encounter a lot of failure as you try catch up on years of experience. Just deal with it and move on.
You start out by _not_ referring to people of the opposite sex as meat. Once you get out of that grade-school mentality you might have more luck.
Meetup.com is where I met my girlfriend.
I wasn't looking for one, only for the company of people that shared a common interest. (Labrador retrievers)
There are LUGs, LARPers, D&Ders... ooh, and Scrabble meetups everywhere. Fun!
Snark all you like, but read "The Game" and "Mystery Method", learn how to overcome inherent fears of social situations and develop who you are *inside* into someone you can best present *outside*. Once the mystery of social hierarchy/interaction is removed, and you have an idea of how men/women interact, the world becomes your oyster.
You also should get in shape. You may not think it's important. It is.
Go find your local Hash House Harriers kennel and show up. You'll be socializing before the buzz hits!
Make friends with some females at work. Complement their new hair, new shoes, new dress; ask them about their weekend; do not ask them about work or dates or anything too personal... just talk to them.
Fast forward 6 weeks (or maybe longer)... ask the girl you are most comfortable with if she could get a group together to go out to a bar after work (if she asks why you don't do it, just tell her you're shy - girls love shy guys). Now go hang out with the group, don't drink too much and don't talk about geek stuff... surely you have a family story or some past vacation you can talk about.
OK, so now you have a small group of friends you can say hi to and later say "hey wanna go out after work?"
While you're out with these girls and guys from work, look around. See if anyone is noticing you - if so, walk up to them and say "Hi, my name is [your name here]" ;-p Get the girl (or guy's) name then say "Nice meeting you" and walk back over to your group. Likely they will have seen your move and will congratulate you or give you a hard time.... perfect. The girl or guy you just talked to will see that you have friends and that you are popular with them... at which point if she is interested in more, she will come over to the group and introduce herself to join the group. Hang out with everyone for a while (not just the girl), then get ready to leave.. if the girl is still there, ask her to walk you out - if she starts to leave early - ask to walk her out. Now is the time to get that number.
If the girl excuses herself and goes off to some other group, just make eye contact and smile. She may be back or she may not. No big deal... you're already with a group of friends, so have fun.
A fool throws a stone into a well and a thousand sages can not remove it.
I cannot recommend this site enough. It's where I met your wife!
Outside of computers, do you have any interests? Hobbies? activities?
If not, get some. Not just for the social aspect, but for the balance. Get AWAY from the computer, and do...something. Go fishing. Ride a bike. Play an instrument. Brew beer. Go to a concert. Learn to fence. Go to wine tastings. ANYTHING!!!
If you're doing something that doesn't exclusively involve computers, you can join a club or the like. Brewers guilds abound. Riding clubs (from recreational to competitive) are everywhere. Whatever your interests are, there are social structures around them. (Hell, even nerds go to comic-con!)
I'm watching the massive growth of dating companies (especially but not exclusively online) with despair, because they're only necessary when people stop being able to socialize on their own--which is exactly what is happening in North America (and other places no doubt).
Seriously, just go out. Grab a buddy and go DO something. You don't meet people through location, you meet them through activity and interaction.
One last thing--don't go looking for a mate/partner. You'll limit yourself unnecessarily, and come across as a bit creepy. Maybe not everyone you meet has girlfriend/boyfriend potential, but everyone you meet has friend potential.
"People who do stupid things with hazardous materials often die." -- Jim Davidson on alt.folklore.urban
First off - Ignore anything that could be considered a 'normal' social activity, the bars with the cool people with fake tans? yea. Bugger it.
Go find the really bizarre people who are awesome in your town/city. There is a surprising amount of overlap in the various activities that we as nerds and geeks indulge in that many other crowds are into/desire to have.
Good example - I live in New York city, its full of yahoos. There are all kinds of nerd get together ranging from bar nights where you have soldering iron challenges to make a working TV remote to hula hoop classes.
Now I know someone is going "hula hoop classes"? But tell me this: Where else do you find a workout this much fun, that doesn't involve murdering yourself with free weights, you are surrounded by hot chicks who actually enjoy being social with you while hooping, and you can say your workout involves 1-2 hours of pelvic thrusting?
Lots of local art scenes, people associated with Burning Man or other similar projects are very welcoming, fun and also LIKE having people who are technology savvy about.
I agree with the suit suggestion, but don't just wear black. If you can get away with it, navy blue or charcoal grey suits also look good. Wearing black suits can make you look like an undertaker -- or a servant. You don't want to look like a servant. You want to look like you're your own master.
I write sci-fi for metalheads
I'll start this long post with a story to illustrate my point:
A few years ago, I was living down in Boca Raton, FL. For those who don't know the area, this is a little north of Miami along the east coast. One weekend, I drove down to Key West to go kayaking (by myself). I'd been out for a few hours, when I stopped off to eat lunch at a little island off the coast (just barely close enough to still see the coastline, probably further out than is really safe with the tidal patterns down there). To my surprise, I found another person there. She had been out kayaking as well, and her kayak sprung a leak. We split my lunch and I looked at her kayak, which was beyond what we could repair out on the island. At this point, it is getting late, and the tide is turning. I was in a single kayak, so there wasn't room for both of us. I didn't want to take off and leave her there, and she refused to leave me there with her kayak. We ended up spending the night out on this little scrub island, and the next morning she took my kayak in (I was picked up later that day when her kayak outfitter sent out a boat). Once back, I paddled down to my outfitter, turned my kayak in and drove back to Boca. Later that night, she shows up at my place. We eventually dated for about 8 months, before she was transferred to Virginia.
She had some very geeky traits, which I loved (what really impressed me at first was that she managed to find my address so quickly). If you want to meet people, just go do things. You can be a geek and still be active. I play sports, I go to local events/museums/etc. Do it long enough, and you'll start seeing the same people over and over, possibly making new friends, or even *friends*.
If you want the education route, take some social science courses at your closest uni. While I'm a sysadmin, and I took a bunch of engineering courses, my actual degree is in anthropology (with a N.A. archaeology focus). Most of my classes, in all social science disciplines, were about 75% female once I got beyond the gen ed cruft (Intro Psych, History I/II, etc). A lot of these types are smart and very geeky, but in a way that you probably don't have much experience with. Which is good. Two geeks with different interests makes for a fun ride, you can really learn a lot from each other.
Summary: If you want to be active, be active. Go to free concerts (a lot of smaller towns have weekly get-togethers like this), go to museums, join some pickup sports leagues (you don't have to be good, most people in these kinda leagues suck). Take art/pottery/etc classes, enroll at your uni. Try exericse. Group hikes/bikes are great, or sign up for yoga courses (flexibility is never bad). Have a poker night with your coworkers, go to a ball game with them, etc. Take a cooking course (ladies love a man who can cook something more complex than chicken and rice). Want something really different? Take the little 1-2 hour workshops at places like Lowes or Home Depot. You'd be amazed how many ladies you find at these, trying to figure out how to do repairs to their houses.
But in all this, don't approach it as a way to meet women. You'll just set yourself up for disappointment. We're nerds, we're supposed to love learning new things. Approach it that way. When you're hiking, try to understand the mechanics of it. If you're at a pottery class, try to learn more about the material, and how the constituents affect the final product. Focus on the geek side of life, learning new things, and let the socializing come along as it will. Once you've started getting comfortable, then you can be more of an active socializer. When you do get into a conversation, don't say a lot. Ask questions that let the other person talk. You know, *learn* about them. Also a great way to gauge interest. If they keep turning the conversation to you, then you can be fairly sure they're interested.
If you think you might fit the Aspergers profile, get a professional evaluation. There are too many people on the internet who use self-diagnosed Assburgers as an excuse to be assholes.
I write sci-fi for metalheads
brides.ru ??
things could be worse. So I cheered up, and, sure enough, they got worse.
For example, you could be, say, twice your age, and looking. And the folks that go to bars in their fifties aren't probably techie, or even interesting (unless you've both had too much to drink).
mark "and 80% of those on craigslist, the ones that aren't scams for
malware-loaded sleazenet sites, are all twentysomething (or under)"
To find a social life, look in the phone book. Kind of. Identify what you like to do. Find local clubs that do simple things. Stop by and talk to the people that are there.
Also, talk to your coworkers. Usually someone you work with has a function going on sometime in the near future that they would be willing to invite you to. Often times its as simple as hitting the local pub on Friday after work and chatting about sports or girls.
If someone invites you to join a league of some sort, unless you have conflicting morals or obligations, join them. If its lame you can always quit later, but the camaraderie may be invaluable. It is important that you are willing to push your own boundaries and leave your comfort zone. If you're comfortable, you're not growing.
You could always, I dunno, try walking out your front door? Geeks are everywhere! All you have to do is get out and meet people. You can even do it *gasp* at work!
Now get off of my lawn!
I am going to give you the best piece of social information that a geek-minded individual will ever have. Find a place to learn Lindy Hop. It is a style of 1940ish swing dance. It is super fun and computer science folks/engineers have a propensity for it. It is a great way to improve social skills and meet people.
With mad talky skilz like this, don't expect your first few forays into meatspace to be real satisfying. Start out with other socially awkward people and try hard to be nice even when it hurts. You'll gain experience. After a bit of practice has made phrases like, "This makes me sad," or "I'm feeling lonely," come more naturally, you'll be ready to graduate to a more socially adept crowd, which will further enhance your abilities.
Iterate as necessary.
I have gone from unsuccessful personal life to crappy personal life to shitty personal life, with women I didn't care about and wasn't attracted to.
Then, I read a book called "The Game" by Neil Strauss.
And I became a pick-up artist.
To me, it opened pandora's box - and everything about picking up women, something I thought had to do with being good looking, having good genes, or secreting the right pheromones (but that's all wrong), suddenly makes sense now.
I am in a MUCH better headspace now.
Thanks Neil Strauss!
Really. Don't go to an event or start an activity looking only to meet women. First of all, it'll come across as creepy and desperate, and those are two very unattractive qualities. But if you're only looking to meet datable women you'll cut off paths that could lead to a suitable mate prematurely. I am utterly convinced that most people who date were introduced through mutual friends; they were friends of friends or friends of friends of friends. You need to be constantly expanding your social circles in *general*, not narrowly looking only for women.
The cute girl has a boyfriend, or isn't interested? Well, you still want to be her friend (not necessarily a *close*, 1-on-1 friend, but someone who will get invited out to the pub, party, sports, whatever that person does) because women always have friends who are single. The only way to get to those people is, I'll say it again, constantly be expanding your social circles as a whole!
Yes, I know you are shy (most people are, including us women BTW). Yes, some people will treat you like a turd. It happens. I always figure if someone reacts rudely to a friendly greeting, I don't want to know them after all. Give it a few minutes and if you can't find something to laugh about or talk about, move on. I meet nice people every where I go.
http://lionsdenadult.com/ Meat sauce optional.
A drinking club with a running problem. There's probably a group or three near you.
http://www.gthhh.com/
When my 2nd daughter was a few months old, and my first daughter was 3, we bought a puppy at the local mall (I know, buying puppies in malls is not generally a good thing). As I walked through the mall pushing the baby stroller with one hand, holding the puppy in other, and my 3 year old tagging along, I was approached by at least 5 beautiful women who wanted to hold the puppy and praise my kids. It was so surreal I looked around for the hidden cameras.
Not online - online be completely honest. People appreciate that. But while people say "OMG it's so easy to lie online", meatspace is usually no less (or, for that matter, more) deceptive and it's not even home turf. However, all those confident people are actually just pretending to be confident. I'm not saying go into full social engineering mode and lie like there's no tomorrow, but act as you would expect someone confident to act. Try to imagine how you'd act if this social thing wasn't a problem. Not snotty or "my calendar is full" but not as though you're desperate to get past saying "Hello" without embarrassing yourself (there's no shame in that, everyone secretly is). Surprisingly, it's way easier then it seems and everyone else is mostly pretending too anyhow so people will indeed believe you if you pretend to be confident. Most of the time. If they don't, reboot, accept that you just made a fool out of yourself and move on - the "cool" people did that too only you weren't there to see it.
I'd think going for slightly non-geek girls would also be a good idea if it's going into a more long term thing (I know, I know - why think about that before the short term has even became remotely a reality, but it'll come up later since you'll make it). My wife (met online (yawn)) isn't nearly as geeky but abnormal enough to make her accept me as well as see that we compliment each other very well, doing many of each others formerly hard tasks (social issues - talk to my wife. tech issues - talk to my husband). It's a frustrating relationship at times, but man, you do not want to go up against us in meatspace - every base is covered.
Also, make sure you research the.. more physical side of things carefully. Non-geeks dating or starting to date geeks expect us to be, while inexperienced, quite well versed (which is generally a very good guess) so be sure if it comes to that you keep our banner high.
Local SciFi/Fantasy conventions are a panacea for the Geek to rub elbows with fellow geeks.
Even better: find your local chapter of http://www.sca.org/
In theory, there's no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there's a big difference.
Why hasn't anyone else mentioned Vegas? Isn't that were all socially inept people go to get laid?
When I was younger I made the realization that there's no reason to get nervous talking to girls. If I saw a girl I liked, I would talk to her just like I would talk to anyone else, the only difference would be maybe what you talk about. It sounds kind of stupid, but if you keep in mind that if a girl likes you, she's going to be just as nervous as you are, you should do fine. Put down your computers and laptops and observe the world around you - those observations would be things to talk about instead of "So I cut 1000 lines of code today...". It's not hiding who you are - if a girl asks then she is interested and you should tell her - you just don't want to come across as one-dimensional person. Being a nerd is just one part of who you are.
Another tip of advice I'm sure countless /. folks have said, drop the whole, "I'm going to use a word that most people don't know or ever use" stuff. If you really speak like that, it's great, but there's a difference in coming across educated or intellectual and coming across as pompous or arrogant. Some girls like a little bit of arrogance, but the trick behind having it and using it is that you need to have that kind of outgoing personality to begin with. If you had it, you wouldn't be on here asking for advice.
I've found the best way to meet people is expand on your own interests. Join groups that do things you like to do. It's not all tech-gadgetry, but you can find a lot of geeky stuff through Make: - including local groups, events, etc.
I don't think Freshmeat is the place to meet chix.
The Game - Penetrating the secret society of pickup artists, by Neil Strauss
The Mystery Method - How to get beautiful women into bed, by Mystery
Great reading. Helps with all aspects of socialising, not just picking up girls.
Drill baby drill - on Mars
World of WarCraft or his weekly Dungeons and Dragons campaign.
"Instant gratification takes too long." - Carrie Fisher
Guy geeks should brush up on their Harry Potter and attend Azkatraz 2009 in San Francisco July 18-21!
Who would attend an annual Harry Potter convention, you may ask? After attending a recent one with my wife, a rapid Harry potter fan, I discovered the answer.
The typical attendee is a geeky someone who was introduced to the first Harry Potter book, a juvenile literature read, in 1997 at age 10 or so. This person then grew up with the series, and matured as the books themselves matured, and is now 22 or so. Oh, and nearly all of these people are females.
So next month there is convention of several thousand women geeks in their late teens and early twenties in San Franciso. Hmmm.
Do I need to draw y'all a map?
Starships were meant to fly, Hands up and touch the sky - Nicky Minaj
Swing Dancing. You'd be amazed at how many of us are CS people, Engineers or scientists.
Mystery Method.
It works.
There's an app for that.
-
They should make an online game for LARPers...
I recommend Dorkbot, the global technological art organization. There is likely a chapter near you. Go, watch, then ask to present your tech project!
Or as George Carlin put it, "nail together two things that have never been nailed together before, and some shmuck will buy it."
Savior + Wood = Christianity?
Well, I got an EE degree and was one of those who wasn't into going to clubs or bars to meet girls. I always figured you are guaranteed to catch something. A good place to meet someone is in school, if you are out of school, and you liked a chick.. heck look her up. I met my wife at the park. I wasn't even looking at the time since I just got back from an interview, my friends were still either in class or working, I was just killing time at the park. I saw a girl with an awesome smile and laugh walking with a girlfriend so I figured.. heck.. what the heck.. I'll go up to her and see what she's like. When we talked and joked around it was like Sinefield banter.. we ended up getting married 2 years later and we are still married today and it's still awesome. So if you want to meet someone, .. you gotta just get yourself out there, not looking or expecting anything. It will happen, but nothing will happen if you are just hanging around at home doing nothing. And.. yeah.. I'm a geek and she loves it.
Get on Meetup. Seriously. Unless you live in the middle of rural hicksville, I guarentee there are real live clubs full of real live people who really get together. Some of them are even women.
If you happen to be in Louisville, check out:
Derby City Movie Maniacs (we dress up and party for movies like Watchmen & Star Trek)
http://www.meetup.com/Movie-Maniacs/
Go Go Guerrilla (flash-mobs run by a couple of outgoing women)
http://www.meetup.com/gogogirls/
I met most of my friends when I was drunk.
... ehr, how about "Are Hot?" ... nope, not quite right. How about "Are not to be believed?"
----------------------
Veni, Vidi, Vesuvius: I came, I saw, I exploded like a Volcano!
[posting as an AC because I don't have an account since I rarely feel compelled to post anything, but lurk regularly]
So far I've seen many posts focusing on attracting girls, which is good. But I'd rather address your more general question of socializing, especially outside your normal circle of comfort. Generally being more socialable and more comfortable around people of all kinds improves your chances of meeting girls, so no need to focus specifically on girls at first.
I recommend doing a little research and selecting a few things that sound to you like interesting hobbies that involve other people and maybe push your boundaries a bit. These are things that you can do on the evenings/weekends that involve other people but also in a structured environment, so you can feel more comfortable and have something directly to socialize with people about. Here's some examples (of generally non-geek activites):
Toastmasters: a public-speaking for fun and self-improvement group. They are fun and laid back and very supportive normally. You don't even have to speak at first, you can go and just watch and learn. Ask people there for pointers about how they choose their topics and organize their speeches. It's a great way to start feeling more comfortable presenting yourself to other people, because if you can stand in front of 10 other people and talk about something you like, you can do it with 2 or 3 other people around a table over a beer. This includes mixed company and people you've not met before.
Dancing: at a dance studio, not a club. Find a nice local dance studio (I attend Arthur Murray, an international chain). They offer complete beginner courses where NO ONE knows how to dance or has any idea. They teach you how to dance, etiquette for the dance floor (how to approach people to dance) and have fun dancing events where you can meet people and be introduced to people. Expectations are low, so as long as you are trying, there's nothing to worry about. Plus, most dance studios don't ever have enough men to pair with the women, so guys are in demand (as dance partners).
Cooking classes: men do go to these and it's always nice to know how to cook something a little more complicated than pasta. Plus, it's something almost everyone likes talking about, so is a good basis for socializing small-talk.
Wine-tasting groups: many bigger cities have social groups that go around and taste wines/cheeses/etc. at local places. These are often open to anyone who wants to join. They aren't always very structured, though, so feeling comfortable introducing yourself and starting conversations is important. But if you know how to show interest in the subject and ask questions, this can be done.
Rock-climbing: it's as hard as you want it to be, so don't worry about being in shape. It involves as much mental problem solving (what are the best holds for each hand and foot?) as physical ability (can I hold onto that and pull/push myself up) and doesn't require much gear (all of which is rental-able). Most climbing gyms offer beginner classes, and a surprising number of girls go to these. Plus, it makes for an interesting date later, if you are looking for something different to do with a girl.
These are just a few ideas; think about yourself and thing you think are interesting. I do highly recommend the dancing, though, since so much social interaction involves music (and then dancing). As long as you go in willing to learn, you'll be fine. And from there you'll meet people and enlarge your circle from a shared activity/interest.
Best of Luck,
RAF
Who needs meatspace girls when you can have hot Second Life girls from all over the world? All the women on there at least look hot even though some are probably creepy old gay men. You can have sex, get married, go dancing, buy a house and do just about everything you can with meatspace girls all without real life interactions. It's like geek heaven.
Please allow me to recommend Succeed Socially which has been tremendously helpful.
Basically, as long as you're not TOO weird, most people won't mind your company. And the more interesting things you do, the more interesting of a person you become.
Another major factor in my life has been a wonderfully inspiring friend. While a book is no substitute, Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist may help point you in the right direction.
Good luck, have fun, and take care!
Seriously, dude, what the fuck? "Of course," "as well" and "at least" are two-word phrases, not single words, you retard.
I got my current girl by saying that i freaking hate having to talk at people at work. She kind of got curious and decided to talk to me to see why? i invited her out so i could have a chance to explain. I mentioned that i don't enjoy talking about random stuff. Then proceed to talk about jewelry and it just happens she called back and now its been 3 months.
I have always found that when you are walking a puppy through any university or college campus you get approached by girls and the puppy is the catalyst. So go borrow or (if you are seriously a dog person) get a puppy and go for a walk. Cute puppies are babe magnets. Hey you could even select the part of campus you walk according to the interests you could share with a female friend... history, science, geography, psychology, engineering, etc...
I suggest you become a regular at the local coffee shop. Something I used to do was set up a chess board, buy a cup of coffee, and wait for people to challenge me to a game. Ask people if they want to play if they are eying the board. You meet lots of people, get to chat with them, and there is no commitment by anyone so it isn't that scary. If you have a good time offer up your number or tell them when you will be in next for another game. This doesn't have to be chess. Just make it a 2 or 3 person game that is commonly know and doesn't take to long to play. Chess, Checkers, Cribbage, domino, etc. are perfect. This will get you used to talking to strangers at the drop of a hat, you will start to know people around town, and have a good time. Even if the activity itself isn't leading to long term relationships the ability to talk to random people at the drop of a hat will help you when that pretty girl passes you in a store and will get further in your professional life, etc.
Where does the white go when snow melts?
Mensa meetings.
That's what I did, and it sure helped my love life enormously! Of course, I was almost a virgin at the time, and terribly inexperienced, but it really opened my heart and taught me a lot in a hurry (and very pleasurably, too). They are offered by the Human Awareness Institute in a variety of locations around the world, but near the Bay Area in California is the nexus. Also, note that it is not called the "Sex, Sex, and Sex Workshop". These people do an incredibly good job of walking their talk, and it is Sex, Love and Intimacy.
:-)
Try doing fun things in real-life. For example, I got into playing Ultimate Frisbee, rock climbing, sky diving, and other sports I was excited about. Being happy and full of energy, in contrast to being depressed about my rotten love life made a huge difference in my attractiveness to women.
Expand your horizons beyond geekettes. There are relatively few *available* hot, geeky girls.
Try being generous -- offer to take a woman out to dinner and quietly pick up the check.
Be willing to date a woman who is less young or less thin than you thought you were looking for. I've had some amazing, wonderful and long-lasting relationships with women who I wouldn't have thought I'd have fallen in love with.
Dancing is also a good one. I've been taking salsa lessons, and there are several good looking girls for each guy who comes to class!
If you're religious, then faith communities tend to produce lots of couples.
Excluding that, many people meet their spouses through a mutual friend. Friend has party, you go to party, meet Friend's friend Jane.
Another idea is to join clubs. My uncle met his wife in a cycling club.
Yet another idea is to use a service like match.com. A buddy of mine met his wife through match. Though, not before going on lots of dates with women he obviously didn't marry.
Finally, tone down the geek talk unless you're positive you don't ever want to be in a relationship with someone who's not as geeky as you are. For instance, don't use phrases like "meatspace" to describe "life outside the internet". That says to me, "This guy's a freak and I don't want to touch him with a ten foot pole".
Yeah. Let's all ask each other. That's gonna help!
bride.ru FTW
No, but seriously, just get out there dude. You don't become a social butterfly overnight by reading a book, you start small and as your communication skills improve, so will your network.
-Billco, Fnarg.com
... you build one!
TODO: create/find/steal funny sig.
I liked the tango when I was taking lessongs because my instructor didn't have to try and convince me to saunter and swin gmy hips or anything. That's the advantage of it being a smooth latin dance instead of a rythm dance. My biggest problem was always navigating a dance floor with other couples. That could of course be overcome with more practice but I have yet to find any active groups in my area. The wife prefers foxtrot and rumba anyways.
If you adopt suits and ties but aren't comfortable in them, it shows. Being comfortable, in clothes and situations, is part of being confident.
Ha! You're not kidding! The difference between comfortable and uncomfortable in a suit and tie is the difference between "GQ" and "will the defendant please rise?"
I would have to recommend Karate, Kung Fu, or some other form of martial arts. You will improve your self confidence, improve your health, and meet a wide range of people. There are several places to start, including meetup groups and local martial arts studios.
Its as simple as it gets: Go upstairs, meet your mom.
Do *NOT* make an attempt to work any local bar scene into your social portfolio. Waste of time, money, and analgesics (no goatse joke, please >0 )!
Users groups, flea markets, swap meets, meetup get-togethers, garage sales, coffee shops, etc., are the way to go.
Get comfortable around humans, observe their behavior from a safe distance, until you are comfortable interfacing with them. By the time you work up to a comfortable level, remember that all women want to be talked to/approached (if not by you).
Knock on doors until someone invites you in for tea.
You've got two problems. You don't have any meatspace friends, and you don't have any meatspace potential girlfriends. Most people on this thread seem to be skipping ahead to the girlfriend question. But you're best off making guy friends with similar interests, and hanging out with them. Some of them will know women that are at least open to dating geeks. Women tend to be a lot more open to meeting guys when they have a mutual acquaitance. If you've been social isolated for long it is going to take a lot of work. You have to be patient, try a lot of activities and stick with the ones you like, and when you meet women don't rush into a relationship. Setting days when you don't allow yourself to be on the computer will help.
Comment removed based on user account deletion
A couple weeks ago, a friend wanted to go to a concert, so I volunteered to take care of her two kids, ages 3 and 2, for the evening. We went over to a local park to mess about in fountains and dig holes in dirt.
Now, I have a girlfriend -- who, by the way, I met online, by volunteering to help teach people basic bike mechanics and repair for a group of Burning Man enthusiasts who were going on bike rides together but didn't really know how to work on their bikes -- but that's only relevant to the overall thread, not to this response in particular.
So there we are, me and the two kids, tooling around, braiding up dandelion stems into boat-like things and throwing them in the lake.
Women *kept* coming up and talking. Scads of them. Oodles, even.
However, I have a vital suggestion if you go down this route: take a box of kleenex or the like. Coz the two kids decided to run in opposite directions at the same time, smashed into each other, and the younger one fell like a drunk, right on his little face, and got a bloody nose and a fat lip, and it apparently really kills every bit of your child-care savoir faire if you're walking around with a kid who has blood all over his face. Like, the conversations with the cute ladies go somewhat like this:
"Oh, your kids are SO CUTE! What are their... oh. Uh. What happened?"
"Hi, I'm the bad babysitter, I forgot to bring kleenex to clean up messes when kids fall on their faces."
"Oh..."
Nostalgia's not what it used to be.
I'm not a female geek, but I am a geek groupie. Every geek should have at least one.
I swoon at the sight of new technology, new software doesn't hold my attention as much unless it's very obvious what practical use it has for non-programmers. I like 3-D printers and lasers, and the Maker fair really turns me on. Home made electric cars and robots also get my attention. Science museums are also great attractors. Cute animals are also an attention getter, but with a neat voice activated light up collar they're even better. Conversations about up and coming technologies, new science fiction books or shows of quality or stem cell research also get my attention and hold it.
I agree with the postings of other folks who say shared values are the most important predictor of a long term relationship. Engaging each other emotionally is also key.
I've found these people most often in groups who share my interests, such as volunteer groups teaching computer skills to underprivileged kids, science museums, biotech groups (there are more women in biology than engineering after all and we are at least semi-rational) and well, the Maker fair. I'm not an uber geek, but I admire those who are. High level math skills are an extra plus.
So, you want to meet me?
Come talk science to me baby.
As geeks can have anxiety about approaching women, a salsa or country dance class is ideal. It really helps if you see the same people week after week and practice social skills and greeting everyone. Generally you rotate and dance with everyone, and it is quite possible to meet people where you like each other on an energy level, without much need to talk at first, especially since the instructor will yell at you if you are talking too much. From here, you build confidence and nature works its magic.
Been there, doing it:)
Organization: alphabetical, sometimes numerical or messy
i've met a lot of people by joining a pool league. i wasn't out to meet new people really, i just wanted to learn to play pool better. the bar i go to has a non-smoking league, so that was bonus! meeting people is a side effect of being on a team with different people, and playing against other people, and it's fun. you'd be amazed at how many good pool players there are out there (or you can pick something else, i've seen dodgeball leagues, kickball leagues, softball leagues, etc...)
I love how the majority of people keyed in on the "preferably including some of the opposite gender", and skipped over the main point of "a social life". Two key requirements from this post: A. A social life. B. Possibly finding a date(s). To get to point B, your best bet it to go from Point A, then to Point B. You will greatly increase your chance of finding someone, and probably finding someone more compatible with you. Join groups, clubs, bands, gangs, orgies, and mobs that fit what you feel are good fits for you, don't worry at this point about finding dates, concentrate on the social life, meeting people with similar interests. This will get you out more, this will introduce you to more people, people I might add that might be good matches for you, but may not join the kinds of groups you would join. The more people you meet the more options you will have. You will likely find your "soul mate" through someone else, and if that someone else is someone who you share interests with, well that means she can put up with your weird shit, and you probably will end up happy. Moral of the story, the more people you know, the more places you go, the more chances you will have at finding someone. You already date yourself, probably every night in front of your computer with a bottle of lotion and a box of kleenex, so find someone who isn't exactly like you. Having some similar interests will get things going, but the differences are what will keep things going.
There are few people in this world geekier than me. I have a room full of transformers in my basement for crying out loud. Anyway before I met my fiancee the only time I didn't have a date it was because I had something else to do. The trick is don't let them know how extreme of a geek you are at first just be funny. Girls eat that stuff up. All I had to do was put up a funny profile on a dating website get some decent clothes to wear on a date, and know how to talk to the gals, and the tail came rolling in. My fiancee is not geeky in the slightest, for some odd reason I could never get a geeky girl. I tried it just never happened. Or like others have suggested join a larp club or something but I must warn you "geek social clubs" will have very few if any females in attendance.
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I think you should try to meet regular people. Limiting yourself to geeks is the safe way to go, which will not make you grow in any way. Go out there and meet lots of different people, and you will learn so many things, and also learn that most people are very nice. Live in a dorm with a mixed group of people. Travel in a small group. Do things. Experience life. I did. Best decision I ever made.
Well - I have a method and it worked for me.
Step 1: Use the Census data to find where the highest concentration of eligible women are that meet your demographic criteria.
Step 2: MOVE THERE
Step 3: Assuming you can handle Step 2, look around and figure out what other real people wear - do your research
Step 4: Change your wardrobe (don't worry - she will change it again for you soon if you screw this up)
Step 5: Blend into the local activities (markets, dance instruction, church, country club, hunt club, *school / college*)
Step 6: Learn to eat sushi and other crap that women like so you can order when she does and like it (wow I never really tried it but I like it)
Step 7: Offer to have lunch at your favorite fast food place, when she frowns - say - "Okay - how about sushi?" Women dig it when you can recover well, but the fast food place shows you are not going overboard
Step 8: NEVER look at other women while you are with her - try to pay attention - look for flecks of color in her eyes
Step 9: Plan a date and make your move (go with a formula like such...)
The date: Plan for a physical activity followed by casual dinner. Sweat a hell of a lot. Suggest that you are too dirty to go to a nice place with her. Stop either at your place or her place to shower and change. If it is your place, it should be clean but not spotless. Use a clothes hamper and have stuff out that you want her to see - (vacation magazines, physical hobby magazine, home fix it yourself books) These show her you will take her places, keep in shape and do the honeydo lists. Be able to back some of it up. Okay - if you have not already made her your girlfriend once you shower and baited your trap.... Take her to her place to clean and get ready. Be prepared to wait. Read a magazine on travel maybe - and wait. Wait some more. Prepare to wait. Okay, if she has not made you her boyfriend by the time she dresses. Prepare to pay a lot of money - take her to said sushi place. Maybe the one next to either a chocolatier or marble slab creamery, or a place like an outdoor artsy theater/music something or other. If by the end of the date - you are still not a boyfriend... Make sure she knows where you will be as you had a nice time. Say you would love to go out once you get back from a short vacation to see a beach near her parents house. If she does not invite herself along to see her parents or you did not find out where her parents are... SHAME ON YOU. You want to see the older model (mom) to see what your wife will look like after you have kids.
If you drink or have other vices, do them with extreme moderation. You are quitting.
Okay - I am sure you think this is overplanning, but birds do it all the time. If you really need to stack the odds, then make the date just after Christmas when she is sad she does not have a boyfriend (new years is good) and try to shedule your beach vacation near Valentines day... If you have not closed the deal by the end of Spring - MOVE ON. If she does not like you in SPRING - you are hosed as biology or something is wrong.
If you find that you just missed, remember all the things she pointed out about other guys that she liked while you ONLY paid attention to her. Change one or two only. Leave something for the next girl to fix.
(I will tell you that this works. Think about it. Oh and remember this line for the intial pickup "Hi (and smile)", after a pause "My name is ****." If that line does not work, she is not looking for a relationship. Just buy her a drink if possible and look for another if you are in a bar. Be prepared to move on. If approaching a flock of women - be prepared to take out the wingwoman - usually a real pretty one has at least one. Ignore the pretty one and go for the wing - they are not expecting that. If you are lucky, the primary will interrupt politely to take over from her friend. If not, then the primary did not like you anyhow. But this will give her a chance to look you over without being obvious and
There is a great deal of competition out there to land the few true geek girls. As one girl from MIT once said: "The odds of getting a date are good, but the goods are odd"
It's really not fair, the horse-faced girl with frilly teeth will have dozens of guys hanging on her every word while the pretty but not so smart girl gets ignored.
Give non-geek girls a chance. Some of them are smarter than they act (and if they're not, they might like you a whole bunch anyways. )
If you're lacking self-confidence (or could use some more--can't we all?) consider lifting weights. It's the fastest way to lose weight (esp. if you eat properly), and having a little bit of muscle NEVER hurts. If you don't know where to start, stronglifts.com has a lot of good information. Try the stronglifts dumbbell program if you have no money. If you can afford to spend $700 once, buy a 300lbs Olympic barbell set and a power rack and read Starting Strength by Mark Rippetoe and Lon Kilgore.
30 minutes 3 days a week, some careful eating (try the zone diet, easy and tasty), and you'll be 6 months away from looking better and 1-2 years from looking like Hugh Jackman in Wolverine and feeling higher than a kite.
no matter how inept you are, talk to as many women as possible. the more you talk to, the more likely you are to succeed.
Found my Wife of 20 years at a Mensa convention (yes, really). She was the one who looked like 1) she didn't really belong there and 2) she was easily as smart as anyone else there. 3 weird and wonderful children and 20+ years later we have happiness. I suggest you look for social activity among those who share the same interests/values - wherever/whatever that is. H8s
Organization? You must be joking..
Are you interested in brewing beer? Join your local home brew club (one almost certainly exists, if you live in/near a city). Now you are meeting (in person; this stuff just can't be made to work over a wire) other brewers. Some are geeky (this hobby allows for massive geeking-out) and some are not (geeking out isn't required to brew). The best part is that in addition to learning technical stuff from them, you're drinking with them. Alcohol is good for socializing.
You'll probably find that most of them are engineers. (At least that's how it is here in ABQ; half the club seems to work at Sandia Labs or Intel.)
As copyright owner of this comment, I authorize everyone to defeat any technological measure which limits access to it.
You have already taken the first step by posting this article/question. Keep it up.
If you're at least a semi-athletic type, I'd recommend kickball. There are a couple of leagues out there, I'm a part of WAKA (kickball.com). It's a ton of fun, and you'll meet people.
Moo.
"Wow, that didn't go over well. ctrl-z! ctrl-z!"
You can't put nethack in the background twice, you know...
you can always reload from a previous saved game.
Yeah, we know, but savescumming is frowned upon.
In a later, buried reply, the OP mentions he plays piano/keys. Getting into a band is a great way to come into contact with many, many women. They're not gonna all be sane, or attractive, but the sheer volume will get you results.
Just don't get into prog rock or any male-centric genres and you'll do fine (or if you do, make it your "side project" and focus on more popularly-accessible genres -- cover bands are profitable and sociable).
1.) Go to a music festival with a group of people from facebook, etc. Great way to car pool, meet new friends, have fun. .NET, Linux, Xbox, etc) and go to a few meetings
2.) Join a recreational sports club in your city. Go for drinks with your team after games.
3.) Find a local user group (Java,
To reiterate what many have said:
Instead of following the geek instinct to go with what you know (high knowledge=high probability of success) try taking a class in something new to you. For example, try yoga. You'll be surrounded by beginners and you'll feel great afterward. If physical activity isn't an option, then see if there are any board game groups in your area that you could join, maybe at a coffee shop or game store. All you have to do there is bring food and a willingness to learn new games. Even if you don't meet anyone the first few times out, you've expanded your social circle to provide new options.
Or, just find a local band you can get into and catch a few shows. No introductions or feeling awkward, just a good excuse to get out of the house awhile.
Facebook. 'Nuff Said!
On your own time, you should do something that gives you a sense of personal accomplishment. Bring that where ever you go, and make it the basis for your attitude. Also spend time to broaden your interests. Find something likely to be shared by the people you're with, and make that the basis for your conversation.
You can drastically increase your chances of finding common interests by joining organized groups with a clearly stated purpose. I've found meetup.com is a great place to search for groups to hang out with. Organization and planning happens online, but unlike social networks like facebook and myspace, the express purpose is to get people together physically, to do something together. This does a few things:
If you can manage to come off as fairly happy and confident just as you are, then other people will want to share in that. If you can't, then you may still have some work to do with personal accomplishment and broadening interests.
Hope that helps!
...you meet people worth meeting at places that people worth meeting meet at. Libraries, museums, church/temple/mosque (I know--ickickick, but still...), theatres (stage, not movie), etc.
Me? I met my sweetie online, so I don't count (except to ten).
There's no secret. Just like anything else in life it takes practice to get results.
.NET while at a Super Bowl party. And hey who knows maybe one day you'll be sleeping with your girlfriends best friend (or sister or... mother) or getting high fives from your mates for doing lines of coke off a stripper's ass.
It's like the first time you walk into a gym or play soccer or play WoW or juggle chainsaws. It's intimidating at first but you have to get out there and do it to get any good at it. Some people are born with innate talent that allows them to excel at being social. It helps to have natural charisma or good looks. However, the rest of us can improve by doing and doing over and over again till we get better.
You're not going to get good at making friends or meeting girls or being the life of the party by sitting on the sidelines. In the beginning you won't know what you're doing, you may embarrass yourself, make a complete fool of yourself, or set something on fire by accident but in the long run you only lose if you stop trying. With time you'll learn that it's not good to bring up your anime fetish while talking to girls or debate the finer points of Java vs
Starting out is simple. Just go someplace where there are many people having a good time (someplace not online) and introduce yourself. Alcohol helps.
Anyway, Malcolm Gladwell says it takes 10 years or 10,000 hours to become accomplished at anything. So you better get started.
Go to your local library and find a copy of the annotated version of Jane Austen's Pride And Prejudice. It's this one but you're not allowed to buy it from Amazon. You have to go to libraries and find it.
Because that way you'll be going out and talking to people and hanging out in libraries and there are lots of interesting people there.
Pride & Prejudice is the uber-chick-lit book, the best of them all. It's intellectual and it's completely apropos to this discussion.
First off, if you're walking around working your way through P&P, people are going to notice, and they're going to form some prejudices about what sort of person you are. It's the exact opposite image of an O'Reilly book.
Second off, you have something to talk about: the uber-chic-lit book.
Thirdly, the book itself is talking about people and their styles of interaction as related to their personal code of morality. Mr. Darcy is a stereotypical libertarian geek: he decides what is Right, and sticks with it no matter what, even when events and evidence indicate his original choice was wrong, and he has to learn why that's a bad idea. Jane is a stereotypical girl: she tries to like everyone and make excuses for anything bad anyone does and ignore evidence that people are cruel and selfish. Elizabeth is somewhere between the two, Jane Austen's version of the nearly ideal woman, and learns how to deal with people, and her own prejudices and impulsiveness, as the book progresses.
It's one of the best novels ever written, and if you read it and understand it -- which is why I recommend the annotated version, because the remarks on particularly tricky bits of verbal code are pretty essential to understanding the flow of Austen's program -- you'll have a better understanding of people in general.
And, again, you'll impress the people you want to impress far more for being in the process of reading, or having read, P&P, than the latest Linux TCP/IP Stack Code And Documentation book.
Nostalgia's not what it used to be.
There are lots of places to find social life. But, as a rather old geek, I can say that most geeks need to do something to make themselves more attractive, especially to the opposite sex, after they get to such places. Here are some suggestions: (1) Develop an interest in music. You don't have to become a musician. Just learn to enjoy music and learn about music. If you can't stand the hip-hop and rock and roll, choose jazz or even classical music. A girl might even ask you to take her to a concert. (2) Learn to dance. I have not yet met a woman who does not want to be asked to dance. (3) Develop interest in some topic of broad social importance. Examples are politics, healthcare, Supreme Court. A woman I had just met at a party, asked me if I would take her to a coffeehouse that was active in draft resistance and where I volunteered in the evenings while working as a full-time computer programmer. A year later, we were married. 40 years later, we are still married. (4) Learn about wine, especially the kind novice wine aficionados like, slightly sweet white wines.
There are many things you can do that would round you out as a complete person and would be of interest to women who are not necessarily interested in computers.
My suggestion: Focus on meeting people and finding fun social activities first. This is hard enough as it is without worrying about dating. And after all, some of the best people to date are folks you meet through friends.
Meeting people is tough. If you're using terms like "meatspace" with cheerful, self-knowing irony, I'm guessing you're actually a funny person who just doesn't love being very social. If you're not being ironic, I'm impressed that you're brave enough to hit up this crowd for advice on this topic at all, and I'd say not to worry just yet about the folks who demand that you get out there and take on the world at large right this instant. Any face-to-face social interaction is going to be healthier than none, and if you need to find some geeks to hang with before branching out a bit more, there are plenty of nerdy gathering opportunities in person once you know where to look.
I saw someone suggested Meetup.com; that may be worth trying. My friend met his wife through a movie lover's group, not even anything dating oriented. I know some areas have specifically nerd-oriented groups and mailing lists, too. Boston has a Nerd Fun group on Meetup, for instance, and several cities have chapters for Dorkbot and Maker groups; google around as needed. Some universities host groups that are open to the public for gaming or other geeky hobbies; just check before showing up that it truly is open. And there are plenty of other little geeky get-togethers if you know where to look, like Nerd Nite in New York in Boston (featuring people doing lectures on their nerdy jobs in a bar) and parties hosted by The Hacktory and Geekadelphia in Philly. You may be able to find announcements for additional events and gatherings on flyers in local cafes or gaming/comics/science-fiction stores. And, of course, if you meet anyone you get along with at any such location and get an invitation out for other stuff (whether pub trivia, gaming night in a local apartment, or something more out of your depth),Âgive it a shot. Good luck!
Your girlfriend is single ? Could you give me her number ?
I am a female tech geek and I know for a fact this idea works. Get a dog!
Borrow a dog if you do not have one and/or don't want to be responsible 24x7 for a dog. You can borrow one:
-- From a friend
-- Via helping a rescue out to promote their dogs on the weekends (many rescues go to places like Petsmart to promote their rescue dogs)
-- By becoming a short term foster for a rescue
Make sure that the dog is very people friendly. A puppy is usually perfect in this situation. Start walking that dog *everywhere*, including:
-- Dog parks
-- Busy sidewalks
-- Bike paths / trails
Many women *love* dogs and it's a great way to break the ice and start a conversation. It's really difficult to go up to a girl and try to talk to her, but when you have a dog, it gets really easy in a hurry. It makes you look like a great person if you say you are helping a rescue out with fostering.
Lastly, bring business cards with you, either your own personal ones or a dog rescue-oriented card. If you think she's interested in either you or the dog, whip one out and tell her to contact you.
Take a class. Find your nearest library or center for continuing/adult education (not that kind of adult education, ya jerks) or nearby college and browse a catalog. If there's nothing you want to learn, go for the cooking classes - you'll have something to do and can chat at the same time. If you are on a mission to find girls, go to the dessert-making classes.
Or, better yet, offer to teach a class. Offering to teach for free will make you popular. Do not shut people out that you meet there, even if they're not good prospects for you - they might know someone and be able/willing to match you up, whether romantically or just to hang out with.
Don't go to bars. The only thing to do at bars is drink and judge people. No, wait, bars have trivia nights. So go to trivia nights. Go early, grab a table and bring one other person. Spillover from other groups will gladly take your leftover seats, and you have a built-in reason to talk to strangers. Hell, go to the zoo. Hang out in libraries. Learn to skateboard. Volunteer at a food pantry. Just go places and try out stuff, and again, don't reject people just because they're not your cup of tea - they may help you find other people.
Doing that will allow you to practice social skills. When you feel comfortable, join an RPG group, go to a LARP or con, hang out in bookstores, go to opening night of geeky movies with a buddy. Geek girls are often attracted to guys who are in geek settings, but who can talk about a wide range of geeky and non-geeky things. I suspect you're a specialist - geeks usually are. Just keep trying stuff out to find out more things that you're interested in. Somewhere, points of interest between you and other folks will intersect.
Is to really just stop trying.
That is, don't *try* to meet people. When you are trying you end up trying too hard, and its usually pretty obvious.
Look, just be yourself. You can meet people anywhere! Unless you really just work from home and never go outside, ever.
If necessary, don't try to meet people, but do go places. Instead of getting McDonalds and eating on your couch or in your cubicle or whatever, go to a cafe or coffee shop or something. You're not going there to try and meet people, because you have to eat anyway, right? And if you happen to cross paths with somebody, just be yourself and talk. Learn to flirt.
You have to get lucky, and the only way to do that is to put yourself into situations where that can happen.
The problem with nerds (and I know from experience) is that they put themselves into situations where they don't feel comfortable, because they are trying too hard. They go to a bar but they dont drink or like loud music. So of course they are off balance and in a lousy position to be themselves when they meet someone.
So, get used to going places. Have lunch out. Go to an event. Sit on a park bench. Whatever. Get comfortable with that. Learn to appreciate these things. When you've done that, you WILL meet people. And you will probably at least have one thing in common to start talking about: that place where you are now. Proceed.
p.s. Or you could just learn to appreciate recreational drugs and alcohol, lower your standards just a little (dumb people can be fun too), and get laid. That can be a fun way to loosen up. Worked for me anyway, before I learned to do the above.
-- Senior Software Engineer, Attorney appearance services, locallawyerapp.com.
There are as many ways to meet new people as there are new people to meet!
Choose a sport that you understand the rules of (or want to learn the rules of) and sign up for your city's local recreational league. Options include soccer, hockey, football, badminton, ballroom/salsa/etc. dancing, darts, tennis, polo, etc.
Not interested in sports? Take classes at your local community college that are interesting but unrelated to your career. Art history, language, sociology, geography, etc.
Not interested in spending money? Try volunteering. Church groups, non-denominational groups, schools, etc.
The hard part isn't meeting people, it's putting yourself in a position to meet people. Be prepared to ask someone you don't know questions about a subject that they are likely to have the answers to. People find it easier to answer questions about things that they know, and they like to share information with people that have a genuine interest in learning.
I stalk..er find women here.
http://women.debian.org/profiles/
PS. It's legit.
You should totally find chicks at either Twitter or Facebook. Such a no-brainer.
Russell,
Here are some ideas:
Size the job. In this case your focus is too narrow. You are focusing on yourself, when you should focusing on the entire human condition.
Examine your assumptions. Are you making assumptions? Are your assumptions justified?
In this case, you are making assumptions that are not justified. You think the problem is you, but look more closely. Is that actually true?
You are excellent at expressing yourself. You have made kind (1) (2) and gentle and humble (1) (2) statements.
People think "geek" means someone who has been psychologically damaged by bad parenting. Maybe that happened to you, but you have grown a lot in recent years.
Use words carefully. Often technically-knowledgeable people are self-defeating. On Slashdot, you call yourself "JustShootMe". You say you are a "geek". You say, "meatspace", a term sure to be misunderstood by most people.
Women want to meet you. Single women partly have the same problems you have. They need to meet a suitable person of the opposite sex. If you look like you are seriously looking, they will sense that immediately. If you give the impression you are only interested in seriously interesting women, a seriously interesting woman will realize that immediately.
Resolve your unhealthy fears. Talk with every woman who wants to talk with you.
Advertise your availability. Finding a significant other is a huge problem. Most people can sympathize. Make sure everyone, even people you meet casually, know you are serious about finding a significant other.
The Los Angeles area is an extremely difficult place to meet a woman who wants a serious relationship. I thought about this for many years when I lived in Huntington Beach. My best theory is that the phoniness and dishonesty and artificiality of the Hollywood film industry has infected the entire culture of Los Angeles.
The U.S. culture is undergoing a cultural breakdown. No one understands completely why, but sometimes countries become self-destructive. When there is a cultural breakdown, the level of anxiety increases. It becomes far more difficult to make stable relationships.
The U.S. government has invaded or bombed 25 countries since the 2nd world war, all apparently for profit for weapons and oil investors, and other private interests. For example, read the book, House of Bush, House of Saud. The Bush family supported the interests of whomever gave it money, against the interests of the United States. The Saudis were willing to provide 1.4 billion dollars, so they got what they wanted.
Other examples: 1) The Savings and Loan crisis was arranged to steal money from taxpayers. 2) It was arranged that, instead of pensions managed by professionals, taxpayers would have "IRAs" they managed themselves. Since only highly trained professionals who spend all day thinking about investments can compete in the stock market, most taxpayers lose money to the professionals. 3) Warren Buffett very publicly called derivatives "financial weapons of mass destruction" beginning in 2002. However, the laws designed to prevent fraud were removed at the beginning of George W. Bush's first term. They were not re-instated. The forces of corruption were greater than the forces towar
though not in the dating section.
I did a google search for Site: *.craigslist.org DGL-4500.
I came up w/ a few hits, the second one I clicked was geographically speaking relatively close (E. Oregon vs. Oly, WA)
The were asking like $60! I told em I'd pay 70 if they shipped it.
I deposited the money straight to their account thinking that the price justified the risk, and since I had a reciept if I didn't get it, i could probably find a way to prosecute them.
It showed up at my house faster than if I woulda drove to pick it up! and it worked! and it was packaged well!
I had to pinch myself, cause I thought I was dreaming.
Interestingly enough, it was a gaming GIRL who sold it! I would have fallen in love if I wasn't allready happily married (to a non gaming chick of the hot, cooks & has a good job variety).
How much is your data worth? Back it up now.
You might start by not calling the real world "meatspace" - I suspect most women would associate that with a butcher or serial killer, not William Gibson. Why not develop a non-tech hobby (going to the gym...astronomy club...book club at Borders...volunteer at the local library...pool club...bowling...go to a bar...) and join a social club related to that? Even if the "partner of your dreams" isn't a member, you'll expand your social network and increase your odds of meeting someone. Smiling and listening to people (rather than talking over them or criticizing them) works wonders for your social life. The longer you wait, the harder it gets.
This footnote is being moved to a headnote. This is written from a male standpoint and references females. Female geeks, take it to heart, as this activity would put you in with male geeks at a 1:20 or so ratio. Same-gender oriented, do your own math.
I combine my need for a geek social life with my need to work with my hands, workshop style. Contradictory? No. I build and fly rockets. Model rockets, large model rockets, and high powered rockets. As they grow, it requires greater building skill, but also requires things like electronic altimeter controlled dual pyrotechnic ejection, the pyro being hand packed also. In high power rocketry there's also experimental rocketry, which just means making your own fuel, for the chemistry/pyroholic geek.
The social aspect comes from participating in a local rocketry group, in meetings and flying. As you get to high power, you can participate in a sense of competitiveness and go for size and power. (Present record is a 1/10 scale model Saturn V). You can do it like the steely eyed missile men and start with a desired flight profile then build the beast to fit it. I wanted to hear my own sonic boom, so I came up with a design via software that would do the job (there are several available for this, all under $100). I built a 9 foot, 6 pound monster that used very fast burning motors, a vertical dragster. It cracked Mach 1 at about 500 feet, the length helping to make it audible. Don't think that didn't earn me geek points with the folks at the flying field (the same field SpaceX tested early motors at; it's still littered with rusting pieces; more geek relation).
Most rocketry groups fly at least once a month, some as often as 4. Some areas may have more than one group close enough to participate in. You can find them at National Association of Rocketry http://nar.org/ and Tripoli Rocketry Association http://tripoli.org/ .
You can spend as little or as much on this as you want. Some regular, long time rocketers stick with the smaller model rockets (http://yurisnight.net/ . Fairly evenly gender balanced, and very geek-attractive should you find a female that's at least somewhat interested in a geek and geekish things.
"I may be synthetic, but I'm not stupid." -- Bishop 341-B
Business and personal formation of relationships is much the same for me. I have a lot of relationship challenged friends and below is a link to some of the pointers I have given over the years. Examples include: Go to house parties. When you meet someone there you already have something to talk about, "How do you know the host?, etc" I suggested this to a physicist/patent attorney friend of mine after he tried the online thing (48 dates/52weeks = big food bill) and he ended up meeting his wife. I also think that you are just more relaxed and confident surrounded by people you know. This and lots more can be found on www.bayareabutchers.com
Courtesy of craigslist best-ofs:
It was last Friday. I had just gotten up from a SWEET game of Warcraft on my PC.
Anyway, I realized I was dangerously low on Mountain Dew, so I threw on my lucky green sweat pants and my trenchcoat to walk 3 blocks to the convenience store. I figured if I had enough change, I might even pick up some Slim Jims, but I digress...
On my way back to my apartment, Dew and Slim Jims in hand, I saw you and your friends walking into the Jazz club across the street. You seemed so comfortable and cool dressed to the nines for an evening of drinks and dancing with those closest to you.
It was then that I knew I had to meet you. Although I had never been in that particular establishment, I followed you in. You probably would have seen me, but I was slowed by an argument with the doorman over my attire. After a few minutes, I think I had him convinced I looked ok, but then he proceeded to ask me for $10 just to walk into the bar. I couldn't believe they wanted to charge me just to get in. I, of course had no money, having spent every spare cent on caffeine and sticks of processed beef. I walked back to the convenience store and failed in my effort to return the goods I had so recently purchased. Luckily, the store had an ATM, so I pleaded with the checker to hold my purchases behind the counter for a short time, and I withdrew $20 from the cash machine. Armed with my fresh $20 bill, I marched to the Jazz Club, paid the $10 cover, and went looking for the woman of my dreams.
I saw you immediately, near the bar with your friends. You were at the end of the group with some space next to you, so I settled in close. You noticed me once or twice as I cleared my throat nervously trying to think of what to say. It sounded like you may have commented on my trenchcoat to one of your friends, but I couldn't be sure.
I finally bumped you to get your attention. I may have bumped to hard as I noticed you spilled some of your drink on your shirt. Sorry about that.
ME: So... Do you come here often?
YOU: No. (you turn back to your friends)
ME: Me neither. I hate bars. I can't come to terms with why anyone would want to pay such high margins on watered down drinks they could make at home for a fraction of the cost... (I trail off noticing you aren't listening)
I regroup and lean in close to your ear...
ME: What are you drinking there?
YOU: (barely looking over your should back to me) A gin and tonic.
ME: Can I buy you one?
YOU: I already have one, see... (you hold up your drink sarcastically)
ME: Well then, can I reimburse you for the one you are drinking?
YOU: What? (looking at me now)
ME: Let me pay you back for that one.
YOU: Whatever. (looking puzzled and annoyed)
ME: How much was it?
YOU: What?
ME: How much is a gin and tonic?
YOU: Five dollars
ME: Jesus Christ! What fool pays $5 for a freakin' drink? That's robbery!!!
YOU: Get away from me.
ME: (embarrassed by my outburst) No, no, no. I said I'd pay you for it, so I will. (reaching in my pocket) Do you have change for a $10?
You: What?
ME: I only have a ten dollar bill? Do you have five dollars change?
YOU: (turning to face me completely and folding your arms as your friends quiet down to watch our interaction) Actually, this drink was $6 with tip.
ME: What?
YOU: My drink. It was $5 plus $1 for tip!
ME: Damn, this is getting expensive. Ok, do you have $4 change for my $10.
YOU: No.
ME: Well, then I'll have to get change from the bartender.
YOU: Don't bother. Leave me alone. (you turn back to your friends as they erupt in laughter)
I spend 10 mintues trying to get the bartender's attention. I can't blame him much because he was very busy serving so many other morons begging to be robbed of their hard earned dollars. When he finally gets to me,
Society for Creative Anachronism
1) A person with a little geek talent at brewing, armoring, costuming, heraldry, song, dance, storytelling, writing, drawing, cooking, can get a lot of appreciation.
2) Much of it happens outside in the woods.
3) The SCA was also known as the Society of Consenting Adults back in the day.
Many geeks find a hidden talent for live combat and a willing partner in the SCA. I would recommend it to anyone.
your gravity fails and negativity don't pull you through
Some people do meet by finding new interests (casual sports teams, dancing, professional groups, hobby groups), but I've noticed but I notice too that people who are really into those groups can also get a little apprehensive about asking someone from their group on a date? Why? If things go sour, you might be uncomfortable in the group.
If I were you, I would find a new social activity or two to try where you meet the opposite sex, but don't count on it. Try online dating too. Look at it as more of experiment - see if you happen to find people you jive with.
Take initiative and schedule to hang out with lesser-known friends you like and friends of friends. Make an effort to take genuine interest in others. You'll never know who you might meet. Even if you don't meet a girlfriend that way, it will be good for your soul. (I did this myself after a long-term relationship ended... best thing I ever did for myself).
And for God's sake, make sure you can communicate on things other than your one nerdy interest. One shouldn't change the nature of who one is, but if you ever want to meet another human being and hold their interest, you need at least a few subjects to talk about. "All the special items in Fallout and World of Warcraft" isn't likely to cut it.
While you're at it, read http://tldp.org/HOWTO/Encourage-Women-Linux-HOWTO/
I found my current boyfriend on PlentyOfFish, but had to sift through a lot to get there. It's the first time I've dated a non-geek, but it's a welcome change.
My previous problem with meeting geeky men before that was the whole "OMG YOU ARE A GEEK GIRL" thing. General the idea is they were so wound up with me being a geek woman they never considered if we actually got along. Please consider others' advice here, and consider you may want a woman with similar values to your own; she may or may not be a geek.
I am in a similar boat. But there are avenues. I go to LAN parties and hang out on LAN party IRC channels. That has helped build up a close knit group of IRL friends. The LAN party also have RL drinking nights which is also good.
2600 meetings are also good. Anime clubs or Gaming clubs are good. I find in my city I meet a lot of the same people over and over again at all these different events and have become quite close to many. Then I get invited to there house parties, birthdays etc.
I think you will find that every city has this thriving geek underground culture that is going on without you knowing it. Jump on board. There isn't many women, but more then you might expect. Almost all the women I've been with have come from this underground geek culture.
You'll find it in /dev/social-life
Here's the deal: depending on what city you live in you might never meet a girl in a bar. I live in Los Angeles, and because 90% of guys who would ever go up to strange girls in a bar and talk to them are creepers, girls are automatically skeptical of any guy who will just talk to them. The odds just aren't good. Here are some ideas, not that I'm an expert because I'm going to die alone with my cats, but I am a girl and I am a geek (albeit less socially inept than most). 1: don't be afraid to ask your friends to introduce you to their friends 2: Buy the ticket, take the ride. You're going to get invited to some pretty weird things in your life, coworker's concerts, weird art openings. Just go to them because you never know who you might meet. I went to karaoke sober at my asian co-worker's house, but ended up meeting a lot of cool people and now we hang out and do dinners once a month. 3: Online dating: it's not so taboo anymore, and if you can manage to meet some non-crazies, it could really work for you. 4: invite people to go do things: grab a bunch of people from work and go out to a bar or dinner, encourage them to invite their other friends. You should build a relationship by talking to them at work first, it's socially akward to just ask someone to hang out out of the blue. 5: Find one person who gets invited to a lot of parties, and then tag along. In my social circle I am this person, and as long as one of my friends is cool, I'm always up to invite them along to a party. I still live in the town where I went to college, so I end up with a lot of different invitations to go do things. 6. Take a class or join a club. You're more likely to met people at a book club, alumni event, or the Sierra club than you are if you just hang around on WoW waiting for someone to wink at you.
Its not impossible to be yourself and get women. If you like dancing and are a geek thats great. But I cant imagine the wider geek market would. Hell physical activity is something I try to avoid at all costs, and I don't do to badly at finding geek girls.
Your life is too thoroughly defined by constants you've been always accustomed having, you have your daily routine, your bowel movement time, your favorite shirt color (and hell you won't use anything other than that, even if given to you as a present), etc etc etc, it's become part of you, like a $PROGRAM, defined states, defined answers....this is perfect for a computer, but uninteresting for humans and specially humans interested in dating (looking at you, lonely geek).
The day you start to use some $RANDOM numbers and mix your activities , try new stuff etc. based on those is the day you'll suddenly start to feel more normal to the 'normal people' around you and, consequently, more interesting.
Women are kind of like spyware or cookies for geeks, sure they may not be inherently bad and even sometimes have their benefits, but they are always nosing into your business and are none-the-less not a good thing to keep around a long time. Besides you are likely going to pick another up somewhere. Just be sure to have your Anti-Virus updates current. P.S. met my wife at Yahoo personals
if you're a geek of my caliber, then your answer is pursue a degree in psychology -- among other things, finding out what the hell is wrong with you and/or what the hell is wrong with other people.
I would think that you could meet people by using your laptop in public places where something else is going on, like food, beverages, the library - our best grocery stores have small eateries with free internet access. It used to be that singles could meet people at the grocery store, and now I think that single geeks can do so more easily. Think of a public place where there are "regulars", and become one. Becoming a regular at a bar/restaurant is how I met my husband. Though I didn't have a computer with me, as I'd never used one at that point. We got married, and he bought me one!!!
Forget dance ...learn to play golf. You'll get so addicted to the game, you will forget about everything else and generally become less of a needy person. (Usually the LESS needy you are the better as far as establishing any kind of relationship is concerned.)
Golf also forces you to dress better (which women love), get fitter (which women love) and be the kind of person that is motivated about something other than sex (which women love). The point is you can make a lot of friends in the process, and you never run out of things to talk about because you're all crazy about golf :-)
Start at your local driving range, get some lessons. Then join your local club.
I don't think Mrs right hand would appreciate that.
-- Mean People Suck
Hi, If you live in the San Francisco Bay area (including Silicon Valley, home to many geeks), there is a LinkedIn group called âoeSF Bay Area Ivy Plusâ that sends out a monthly newsletter of interesting social networking events put on by the local Ivy Schools and open to other Ivy Plus alumni. You have to be an alum of one of the Ivy Plus Schools on the list e.g. Harvard, Princeton, Yale, Columbia, Cornell, Brown, Penn, Dartmouth, Stanford, MIT, Berkeley or CalTech. (You can argue with the list, but that is beside the point). Here is the link, you must have a LinkedIn account to join the group. http://www.linkedin.com/groups?gid=42977 It is free to join and since the alumni groups are all non-profit, the events are at cost. Lots of variety of events. In June, they had these type of events: -Meet Eleanor, MITâ(TM)s Solar Car -Bootstrapping a Clean Tech Company -Cocktail hour mixers -Sailing -Hiking I just pick a topic or activity that I like and it gets me out. You can meet folks pretty easily - people typically wear nametags and are friendly since they have a common background of sorts, so. There seems to be to be pretty even gender ratio on average. And definitely lots of bright, interesting folks to talk with - not snooty at all! - just a lot of people who are looking to get out and enjoy themselves. I find I see some familiar faces and some new ones each time, which I like. The age range is pretty wide and depends on the event - from late 20s to early 50â(TM)s. Because there are at least a couple of events I like each month, it gives me something to look forward to. If you are not in the SF Bay Area or aren't from one of the schools, then you can see what your local alumni group has for events each month - and/or even organize some of your own doing things you would enjoy (e.g. a monthly hiking group). The trick is : 1) Get yourself out there, 2) Do something you enjoy, 3) Be friendly and go to have fun and meet people in general, takes the pressure off each encounter 4) Use mouthwash first or bring a mint (sorry, had to throw that in, but you would be surprisedâ¦) Good luck!!
One possibility is to go do something that forces you to interact with people, such as getting a part time job as a barrista, bartender, salesperson, etc somewhere which has chatty, regular customers and a reasonable pace (i.e. not the most popular place in town, but the local indie place). The point isn't to make money; it's to interact with people. People must converse with you in that situation and it's great for building confidence. I've personally watched someone utterly unconfident socially bloom under such circumstances.
Take risks. Small, calculated risks. If you can find a friend or two who wants to do the same, go hang out together in social circumstances. It will help to have a friend to goad you into doing something uncomfortable, and meeting strangers is uncomfortable. Even better to have a small group of male and female friends.
It is possible to explicitly study how people behave via observation, but do so with a certain trepidation. Lots of people have tried (e.g. sociologists, psychologists, economists but especially Strauss's The Game, the Mystery Method, and the so called pick up artist community) and the advice available there is interesting, but read any of that with a grain of salt. People are far from logical, so studying how people behave can be misleading, as logic does not dictate our actions. On the other hand, it can be very interesting to read about psychology experiments for insight into human behavior.
Most people like to have someone listen to them (you're posting on slashdot, thousands of comments have been made, I'm writing a book...), so an easy way to jumpstart a conversation with someone new is to simply get them started talking about themselves. Then, they will carry the conversation.
If you are going to go out to bars, parties, dancing, etc and intend to find people who might be interested in something quite geeky, go hang out around a university town. The social geeks DO exist, but they seem to hide in university areas. I've had some great conversations with random people I would never assume were scientists at dance parties.
Avoid using alcohol/drugs as a crutch for feeling comfortable in social situations at all costs. That doesn't imply abstinence, but rather strict moderation bordering on abstinence.
Keeping up with news via e.g. Firefox's latest headlines or NPR is also very helpful. Many people have at least some kind of sense about news and opinions about these issues.
It takes time to get good at these things; I decided to start learning when I was in high school, which was about 12 years ago.
Learn how to cook and invite people over for dinner (provided your place looks clean).
You will have to talk to a lot of people. That's part of the process. Consider it to be research, and just don't worry about the time spent.
Paying for stuff explicitly (buying a stranger a drink) is unnecessary. On the other hand, it's nice to buy a round of drinks for friends or to treat friends to dinner once in a while.
Call people and organize things. It can be disheartening to call a few people and find that they're all busy, but continue down the mental list; their unavailability has nothing to do with you. There's a high likelihood that someone you know is bored most any hour of the day.
People are inevitably interested in good stories. If you travel, have weird roommates, have seen amusing stuff out your window, whatever, figure out how to spin a compelling tale. It takes a lot of practice.
Make sure to have fun; that's what life should be about!
Most answers here translate as "be engaged in conversations or activities a geek doesn't like".
Also, shyness/awkwardness/fear/etc. It's not just a matter of doing activities. Although if you manage to persuade yourself into doing them frequently you have more social opportunities and might eventually change. But that's the problem. If you don't want or you don't care to change and only doing it for the final means then you aren't focused enough and you loose interest and eventually quit.
A friend told me another solution. Skype. He told me to install it and let it open. Eventually girls will come and want to talk to you. If you respond (without thinking the end means) you learn to talk to women and get self-esteem and eventually some of them might want to meet you. That's how my friend (a geek) found most of his girlfriends. The problem is that I am not interested in talking to women just for the sake of communication. I am too busy. I have to write code :P
It is really complicated in a sense. For some of us. My personal favorite method is to take it lightly and don't care if time is passing and I don't have a girlfriend yet. Eventually I will find and she will be special to be content with someone like me (I think :P).
The "H-Word" has died for me.
Two issues. First, that "needle gate" thing is just made up bullsh!t with absolutely no historical bearing at all and reading the text it seems pretty obvious that it means what it says. "Give away all your stuff and go off and preach".
Secondly, the word for "camel" in Aramaic is exactly the same as the word for rope: gmla. Further, the Greek words are kamilos ('camel') and kamÃlos ('rope').
So, made up shit vs. picking the wrong word when translating.
It is no longer uncommon to be uncommon.
Welcome to the Church of Siesmology [names anonymized to protect the guilty] my son. We are your only true friends and will provide for your every need...for the special offer discount of ${chumps_life_savings}.
"Everyone knows that vi vi vi is the number of the beast" -- Richard Stallman
ASCII 13 was a break... breaks are not conducive to effective condoms.
It is no longer uncommon to be uncommon.
If your not totally opposed to some pain and things that are permanent (pretty permanent anyway), then get a tattoo. Put it right out there on your arm or something...of course consider the material, you'll have to live with it and consider who it may attract as an admirer. Express yourself in this way, and you'll find that you have at least one thing in common with future admirers...plus that tattooed geek thing throws em off a little. At any rate, talk to all the women (I assume) that you notice, you narrow the odds a bit, might even make some new friends who will lead to more friends who might lead to what your seeking.
I was in a similar frame of mind in my late teens early twenties. The best thing I did was to sell my computer gear and hit the road travelling. A backpack, your wit, and bit of cash and off you go.
I didn't have a much success either but I met fantastic people, had great expericences that put me in good stead later.
I'd recommend steering away from a like minded partner (ie geek) but lean towards an artist of some sort. It will help you and them have a wider interest and therefore become a more interesting person.
Take up music, join some community group... Nothing to be afraid of.
When you least expect it, something happens.
John
... with that nice low slashdot ID. Bit of a catch for the right lady, eh?
I'm sorry, I misread this as 'Where does a virgin get a root?' ... or did I?
"You did your HOMEWORK." Yes, I did. So, here is a question for you: What is the lesson behind that?
This old music video of people dancing the Lambada gives an accurate picture of some sub-cultures in Brazil.
The children really are that socially sophisticated. In fact, children in Brazil are often far more socially sophisticated than anything shown in the video. The children really would be skilled at dancing the Lambada, back when it was popular. The children really would practice having adult involvement with the opposite sex. It's just practice, however; they aren't serious, of course.
The man has no concern whatsoever about a blond girl and a black boy dancing together, no one would think about that. His concern is probably partly that the blond girl will get pregnant, and he does not handle his feelings well, which seem to be partly jealousy that she has a partner and he doesn't.
Later in the video he realizes his mistake, with the help of a woman who chooses him as a partner, and he lets the children dance. A woman really would be that assertive toward a man. Notice that she chooses him with complete confidence.
The enormous differences between what would normally happen in the U.S. and what happens in Brazil helps create an understanding of how restrictive and anti-human is the U.S. culture. On the other hand, if you want something accomplished, especially something difficult, you want people who know the U.S. culture. It is no accident that Linus Torvalds lives in the United States (a few miles from where I am typing this).
Where did you say you were from again????
Figure out what you are interested in that might interest other people you would like to have as friends, and visit places they might hang.
If you like movies, join a movie club - has both boys and girls, and finding a topic for discussion afterward is always easy since you both saw the same movie.
Join in real world seminars and discussion groups about things you are interested in, they often have a social bit afterward.
Find if you have other interests that you haven't explored but that you might fancy, maybe a gun-club, golfing etc.
Always attend work related social events even though they might be boring, it gives a certain expression of you that might trigger people to invite to outside - work events.
Remember that if you meet guys, they might lead to girls eventually ;)
I have a couple friends -- a coder and an e-store manager -- I met skateboarding. A couple years ago, when I was 37, I took skateboarding back up to get some exercise. Turns out that a lot of geeks do that sort of thing. I met a couple more at the neighborhood swimming pool. I've met some at motorcycle rallies, in photography classes, snow skiing, and on bicycle rides.
The common thread amongst all of those is that they require only one person. You don't have to have someone with you -- or worse, a group -- to do them. Most other geeks are just like you -- they'd like some like-minded people to chat with, but don't want the burden of a massive circle of friends, so they find things to do on their own. Like skateboard at the local park. Or ski. Or shoot some pictures. Etc.
Just anything that can be done solo, but allows for a bunch of solo people to get together and chat.
The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
If you're not used to socializing with other people, that's the place to start. Sure the end-goal may to find a mate, but at first you need to be able to chat in general, whether the other party be male, or female.
Find a place that has Guinness or some comparably palatable beverage on tap, sit at the bar with your latest favorite book (a murder-mystery, something light, NOT a manual!), and be prepared to get sidetracked by those around you. Afternoon's (around happy hour) would be a better time than night. Who reads in a bar at night? The light's not good.
It'll take awhile, but before long you'll develop some gabbing skills.
Baby steps. Good luck!
Swing Dancing! And yes, I'm dead-serious! You'd be amazed to see how many tech-savvy people go swing dancing, not to mention the lovely dance partners :)
You don't need to have a date or a partner to go, it's a very social dance (i.e. everyone dances with everyone) and it's so much fun! Just do a Google search in your area for swing dance club and I bet you'll find one. (once you get started you'll find tons, no matter where you live.)
And to top it all off it usually only costs $3-$5 to go and dance!
Look at this website for ideas on how to meet people/
How to Meet People (not online) - http://www.ehow.com/how_5099894_meet-people-not-online.html
Get on David DeAngelo's mailing list. Subscribe to the Interviews with Dating Guru's or get the audio books. Having this knowledge will drastically improve your dating skills (IT IS A SKILL) and your understanding of relationships.
Utilizing the synergization of benchmark e-solutions to pre-workaround action items!
Nobody here has asked why you are looking to find dates in the first place.
Dating is not a solution to all your problems. In fact, I am single because I decided that being with someone causes more problems than it is worth. It's hard to appreciate the freedom of being single until you've gotten involved with someone and have to spend most of your time with her (or him). When you're single, you can choose what you want to do, when you want to do it. It's great to spend time with people when you want, and then come home to a quiet house at night where there is nobody to bother you when you want to be alone.
You'll have a sacrifice a lot. For example, if I were in a relationship, I wouldn't be able to save as much to start a business in a few years. I won't have as much time to devote to the business. I have time to devote to both computers and other hobbies, and I have the opportunity to spend time with a number of different people without being required to compromise on things I want to do. Now, if what some people are doing doesn't interest me, then I make plans with other people who are doing something that does. You have to deal with interpersonal problems and drama. You'll have to cut back on time with computers and video games, whether you want to or not. You'll have a lot of stress with dealing with constant rejections while trying to find someone. Some girls will even make plans and simply not show up, without even calling to cancel, even though you paid and drove a long way to be there.
In short, you should consider whether you really want to be involved in a relationship, or whether society is pressuring you to become involved in one. Ever since I ditched the dating scene, I've never been happier.
1. Treat people with respect. Don't assume everyone around you is an idiot or somehow beneath you.
Even if your a stinking genius don't tell them that your a genius. They will figure it out.
A little humility but not self-pity is always good.
2. Hopefully you have been saving money. If you haven't then start.
3. Find stuff you enjoy that is non-technical.
Church, biking, dancing, volunteer work, etc
The fact that you know you are lacking in social skills is a good thing. Most people don't mind that. What they mind is someone lacking in social skills who thinks everyone wants to hear them talk all the time.
A real geek would read every comment posted here. 1) To meet people, be well-read, but read less to leave time to discuss what you've read with others. 2) Go to places where people are, such as church. Believer or not (that can happen later), many of the friends I've made have been by being involved in a close, biblical fellowship. 3) Pale substitutes are available in Toastmasters, Kiwanis Clubs, even Masons.
Cranky educator.
Travel. Being cultured has tons of benefits.
Wear your heart on your sleeve. If you don't show the geek on the outside, people will think you're just a creep.
To make friends: join a social club / sports team your interested in.
To meet women: every were. There is plenty of matirial available on how to make yourself presentable. I found the Double your Dating series to be a good start, mind the marketing of it is a little cheese, the product is worth trying.
Seriously, if you want a social life, you have to be social. The Internet is alright for making that initial contact but that's about it. To develop any kind of meaningful friendship you're going to have to actually, physically meet people. I live in a relatively small town in one of the most technologically backwards states in the US (Montana) and have virtually nothing in common with 90% of the population here. One of the things that really sucks about it here is that there are no real geek type social activities. No decent computer gaming clubs (or gaming clubs of any kind beyond the gobbs of casinos), no geeky conventions aside from the one sci-fi type convention that occurs here every year, it's not all that big and most of the attendees seem to disappear for the rest of the year. There are very, very, VERY few opportunities to meet like minded individuals here. If you're anything like the typical geek you don't give a crap about hunting, sports, trucks, fast cars or any of that usual macho BS. You use your mind much more than you use your muscles and that prevents you from having much in common with a great deal of the population. And meeting women... well something that will help tremendously is having more guy friends and hanging out with them in social settings. For many of us geeks, particularly in an area like mine, it means spending a lot of time going to places and doing things that we don't find terribly interesting. People will give you all kinds of trite advice like go where the women are, the library, trivia night at your local bar, sports events, church, whatever... but you'll find all on your own that this doesn't really help much if you don't know any body and you'll get bored quickly. You need to make more guy friends first, expand your network of friends and the opportunities to socialize out in public will expand with it and then so will your chances of meeting women. This means making some concessions and getting to know people with which you only have one or two minor things in common with. It's frustrating. Of course one, not so easy to do alternative is to move somewhere with a bigger geek community. Seattle, San Francisco, New York, Denver... get online, look for techy, sci-fi, computer gaming, geeky conventions and see where they take place. Chances are that if it's a city of reasonable size there are others like it there. There's your geek community. Forget the Internet as a means of making friends and meeting women, 99% of the time it will get you no where and you'll end up posting on slashdot, asking how to make friends and meet women.
On one hand, people go around asking for greater accountability.
On the other hand, they don't want it applied to them.
I don't think I mind having to keep my nose clean in exchange for a more stable, ordered existence.
Futurist Traditionalism
Here is my advice: 1) Don't be creepy. (Never use the work meatspace again unless you are writing a science fiction short story.) 2) Become confident and happy. I started martial arts training, lost a lot of weight, and became a happier and healthier person. 3) Don't be smelly or dirty and definitely brush your teeth regularly. 4) Try to be well rounded. Be able to talk about non-geeky things. 5) Go outside. Meet lots of people. Treat every social interaction as a learning experience and don't take rejection personally. Every date you go on is practice until the last one. I started dating online and just tried to meet as many different kinds of people as possible. Don't assume that you'll be most compatible with people with all the same interests as you. My wife is a social worker with very few geeky interests but we are great together. Good luck!
Turn off your computer/s
Anonymous Coward