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So You Think Physics is Funny?
mzs writes "I just found this article in PhysicsWorld by Robert P. Crease detailing some of the 'better' physics jokes that readers sent him in response to an earlier article. Read about why the elements of magnetic flux are hard to understand or about the sexual adventures of Alice and Bob in a bar. Let's use the comments for this article to list more jokes from our technical professions which are funny but not necessarily to those outside of the field. I will close with this gem from the article: 'What's new?' 'E over h.'"
Just not 'ha, ha' funny.
"That should have alerted me that I was bring set up."
Guess they didn't hit the preview button!
Q: What's purple and commutes?
A: An Abelian grape.
Wanted Dead or Alive.
Every Super Villan uses Linux.
... and yet somehow this site is slashdotted. Go figure.
this is my sig, be amazed.
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic!
Q: What did the webserver say to Slashdot?
A: HRRRRRNNNnnnnnnghhhh......
Obliteracy: Words with explosions
The best physics humour ever
Points of View: December 2003
Robert P Crease selects the funniest jokes about physics and physicists from his readers' poll
Three months ago I asked readers of Physics World to contribute samples of new physics jokes, fresh forms of physics wit, or cases of "found humour" in physics (see "So you think physics is funny?"). I received about 200 replies, including jokes in several languages, stories, Photoshop creations, video clips and links to science cartoon databases.
I was also contacted by a representative of BBC Radio Five Live, who claimed to be interested in having me talk about physics humour late one night. My subsequent negative experience - I hope nobody was awake to hear it - illustrates an important lesson about science humour.
Outsiders don't get it
When I was first hooked up, the show's host Dotun Adebayo was finishing a segment on dirty bombs, treating the expert being interviewed with deference and respect. When that concluded, he said something like: "And now for something completely different!" That should have alerted me that I was bring set up.
Adebayo retold some jokes from my column in Physics World - accompanied by a conspicuously too-loud laugh track - then asked me to explain the jokes. Stupidly, I complied. Too late, it dawned on me that while some aspects of science, such as safety and health, are sacred to outsiders, other parts are simply targets for ridicule. Professional humour is one. The point of the programme was to laugh, not at jokes, but at physicists for their supposedly mechanical and cerebral wit.
The lesson was that I should have resisted. Being jousted, I should have jousted back - perhaps with the aid of a simple jest. "I can't explain these jokes to you, Dotun, they're only for smart people!" I should have said. "But try this one: did you hear about the restaurant NASA is starting on the Moon? Great food, no atmosphere! Still with me, Dotun? Shall I slow down?" (Thanks to Larry Bays from the Los Alamos National Laboratory for that joke.)
My Five Live experience reminded me of two other cases of comedians appropriating professional humour. One is a recent New Yorker article in which Woody Allen couches everyday anxiety-provoking experiences (being late for work, trying to seduce someone) in language borrowed from physics. A typical sentence runs: "I could feel my coupling constant invade her weak field as I pressed my lips to her wet neutrinos." Allen lumbers across a whole page in this meant-to-be-cute vein. Don't abandon that film career, Woody.
The other comedian to have tackled professional humour is Steve Martin, who tells his audience that he has worked up a joke about wrenches because a convention of plumbers is in town that night. The punchline, when it eventually comes, is: "It says sprocket, not socket!" When the supposedly expected guffaws fail to materialize, Martin feigns puzzlement. "Were those plumbers supposed to be here this show?" he asks. Now that brings laughs.
These episodes illustrate a mixture of ways in which outsiders can appropriate the technical vocabulary of a profession for humorous purposes. Allen uses the poetic suggestiveness of technical terms (coupling, weak field and so on) for good-natured fun; his sentences do not make sense if you are an insider and go only by the words. Martin makes fun out of our not being insiders and not understanding the words. Radio Five Live made fun of the insiders themselves: the fact that they do understand the words.
Jests
Humour, anthropologists tell us, is a flexible tool for managing the social environment. It can be used to draw people in by sharing, to keep people away by intimidating, to build charisma, to impress, to entertain, to relieve tension, to test and challenge oneself and others. But it is an especially useful tool in science, and particularly physics, precisely because it engages, fosters and celebrates the same values that the field itself depends on - namely cleverness, play and
Road Runner physics is funny. Newtonian physics is not.
"Have you ever thought about just turning off the TV, sitting down with your kids, and hitting them?"
Perhaps it's sad, but this is seriously the only joke I've ever made up in my life.
Q: How many quanta does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One and a half.
Physics can be very humorous, but only to those who actually understand the area that the joke is coming from.
Just like in various other occult groups (such as RPGers), some things they find very hilarious indeed can make little to no sense to a normal individual.
(PS, I am in no way trying to insult physicists, gamers or any other group. I am all of the above myself.)
So there was an argument over what type of engineer God was, to have created man. Some suggested Electrical Engineer, given the complex neural network, others suggested Mechanical Engineer, given the amazing mechanics of the body. It was finally realized that he was a Civil Engineer, as only a Civ. E. would put an waste management facility in a recreational area.
:)
Another...
Q: What's the difference between civil engineers and mechanical engineers?
A: Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build...targets
-JT
"Conserve Energy, commute with an Hamiltonian!"
if you get, you are a pretty geeky physics nerd.
You can always call up Schuck's/Knecht's/your favorite auto parts store and ask for a flux capacitor for a 1987 Honda Accord.
There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're downriver from the bread factory.
Google cache to the rescue!
My favorite was the joke about the physics exam in which a young Neils Bohr goes through all the different ways to measure the height of a building using a pen.
Unfortunately I can't remember enough to do it justice... Anyone? I'm sure its good for a +1 Funny.
Paizurishitetai desu ka?
Shouldn't that be c over lambda?
Q:Why did the universe get destroyed?
A:Some strings weren't null terminated.
The law of excluded middle : Either I'm foo or I'm foobar
could somebody give me a mirror, or post the text?
[red sign posted on my professors door]
If this sign looks blue...SLOW DOWN
---- El diablo esta en mis pantalones! Mire, mire!
The best physics humour ever
Points of View: December 2003
Robert P Crease selects the funniest jokes about physics and physicists from his readers' poll
Three months ago I asked readers of Physics World to contribute samples of new physics jokes, fresh forms of physics wit, or cases of "found humour" in physics (see "So you think physics is funny?"). I received about 200 replies, including jokes in several languages, stories, Photoshop creations, video clips and links to science cartoon databases.
I was also contacted by a representative of BBC Radio Five Live, who claimed to be interested in having me talk about physics humour late one night. My subsequent negative experience - I hope nobody was awake to hear it - illustrates an important lesson about science humour.
Outsiders don't get it
When I was first hooked up, the show's host Dotun Adebayo was finishing a segment on dirty bombs, treating the expert being interviewed with deference and respect. When that concluded, he said something like: "And now for something completely different!" That should have alerted me that I was bring set up.
Adebayo retold some jokes from my column in Physics World - accompanied by a conspicuously too-loud laugh track - then asked me to explain the jokes. Stupidly, I complied. Too late, it dawned on me that while some aspects of science, such as safety and health, are sacred to outsiders, other parts are simply targets for ridicule. Professional humour is one. The point of the programme was to laugh, not at jokes, but at physicists for their supposedly mechanical and cerebral wit.
The lesson was that I should have resisted. Being jousted, I should have jousted back - perhaps with the aid of a simple jest. "I can't explain these jokes to you, Dotun, they're only for smart people!" I should have said. "But try this one: did you hear about the restaurant NASA is starting on the Moon? Great food, no atmosphere! Still with me, Dotun? Shall I slow down?" (Thanks to Larry Bays from the Los Alamos National Laboratory for that joke.)
My Five Live experience reminded me of two other cases of comedians appropriating professional humour. One is a recent New Yorker article in which Woody Allen couches everyday anxiety-provoking experiences (being late for work, trying to seduce someone) in language borrowed from physics. A typical sentence runs: "I could feel my coupling constant invade her weak field as I pressed my lips to her wet neutrinos." Allen lumbers across a whole page in this meant-to-be-cute vein. Don't abandon that film career, Woody.
The other comedian to have tackled professional humour is Steve Martin, who tells his audience that he has worked up a joke about wrenches because a convention of plumbers is in town that night. The punchline, when it eventually comes, is: "It says sprocket, not socket!" When the supposedly expected guffaws fail to materialize, Martin feigns puzzlement. "Were those plumbers supposed to be here this show?" he asks. Now that brings laughs.
These episodes illustrate a mixture of ways in which outsiders can appropriate the technical vocabulary of a profession for humorous purposes. Allen uses the poetic suggestiveness of technical terms (coupling, weak field and so on) for good-natured fun; his sentences do not make sense if you are an insider and go only by the words. Martin makes fun out of our not being insiders and not understanding the words. Radio Five Live made fun of the insiders themselves: the fact that they do understand the words.
Jests
Humour, anthropologists tell us, is a flexible tool for managing the social environment. It can be used to draw people in by sharing, to keep people away by intimidating, to build charisma, to impress, to entertain, to relieve tension, to test and challenge oneself and others. But it is an especially useful tool in science, and particularly physics, precisely because it engages, fosters and celebrates the same values that the field itself depends on - namely cleverness, play and
Q: What do you call a Polak in a F15?
A: A simple pole in a complex plane.
<ba dum ching>
The ultimate goal of science is to unify all forces of nature to a single law that can be silk-screened onto a T-shirt.
If this sticker is blue, you're going too fast.
The Army reading list
A red bumper sticker:
"If this sticker is blue, you are driving too fast."
Did you hear the one about the human that tried to mate with a parallel-port printer?
He failed to meet the IEEE 1284 standard.
Why did the chicken cross the road..... To beat the $hit out of an end user. I wonder why everyone doesn't find this funny.
"Average intelligence is pretty damn stupid"
A man is standing on a hilltop when a man riding in a hot air balloon starts to drift by. The man in the balloon asks "Do you know where I am?" The man on the ground replies "In a hot air balloon." The man in the balloon says "You must work in Information Technology. What you told me is 100% correct, but does not help me at all" To which the man on the ground replies "You must be in Business Administration, because you are in the same mess you were in before, but now it is my fault!"
Why submit such ruthless supernerd gibberish knowing the links will get slashdotted and nobody in heaven,hell,or earth will understand what the hell it is you're talking about? How 'bout the one about the bobcat and the flux capacitor?..How 'bout the disco dancing lobster and the laserdisc time machine formula generator??? Well?? Hahaha....No.
Ted: "Happy birthday, Gary!"
Gary: "Thanks. Yeah, the big 4-0."
Ted: "Is that hexadecimal?"
A solar physicist walks into a bar, gets the bartender's attention, and says "I'd like a Mexican beer, please."
The bartender immediately begins shouting "OK, everybody out! Right now! Everyone out of the bar!" And he heards all the patrons out into the street, slamming the door behind them.
The solar physicist shakes his head ruefully. "Darn," he says, "I should have seen that Corona mass ejection coming!"
(By the way, it goes without saying that the bar is in SoHo.)
When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a skull.
I always assumed that Bob and Alice were in a strictly distance relationship so I don't see how they would ever meet in a bar. I think the closest they would ever get to physically making love would be a double-encrypted phone sex conversation.
So yeah, my Alice and Bob joke is this:
What did Alice and Bob believe is the most important thing to remember when having sex? To always practice mathematically secure sex!
Turned out that a neutron had stolen it. But he never went to jail. He was never charged.
The law of excluded middle : Either I'm foo or I'm foobar
The chair of the physics department goes to the provost for the annual budget review.
"I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is we have alot of exciting things going on in the department - some potential Noble-prize winning stuff. The bad news is we need a new particle accelerator which will cost $10M."
The Provost is shocked. "That is alot of money. It is incredible to me how different departments need different things. Why can't you be more like the math department? They only want Paper, Pencils and wastebaskets. And the philosophy department doesn't even want the wastebaskets..."
Seuss - I'm telling you this 'cause you're one of my friends. My alphabet starts where your alphabet ends
Daniel-son, X-on, X-off! X-on, X-off!
~8^]
...designed to make the joke-teller feel "intellectually superior".
Hahaha, Eigenvalue! What a funny word. That's why it's funny, right? Right? Guys?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
"It is seldom that liberty of any kind is lost all at once." -David Hume
Three (assume they're male) physics/engineering students are having a conversation.
The first one says, "The strangest thing happened to me the other day! I was walking across campus, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up to me on her bicycle. She threw down the bike, tore off her clothes and threw them to the ground, and then cried to me, 'Take whatever you want!'."
His friends look at each other knowingly. One replies, "So, you took the bike, right?"
"Of course! The clothes never would have fit me."
What's Avocado's Number?
A Guacamole. Bwaaaahahahahaaaaa. Heeheehee.
*sniffle*
Student: Given your theory, how do you explain cows?
Prof: Consider for a moment a perfectly spherical N-dimensional cow....
sigs, as if you care.
When someone greets me with 'what's new?', I reply...
Nu is the 13th letter of the Greek alphabet...
Old programmers don't die, they're just cast into the void.
Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."
Tech News, Reviews and Tutorials
Q. What goes "Pieces of seven, pieces of seven"?
A. A parity error
Should I just nip off and shoot myself now?
I'm trying to teach myself to set people on fire with my mind... Is it hot in here?
A neutron walks into a bar and asks - "How much for a beer?" Bartender answers - "For you, No Charge".
It does not matter what you do, it's wrong.
WORK = F D
F = M A
WORK = M A D
--
"Open source is good." - Steve Jobs
"Open source is evil." - Microsoft
...and they mostly look at me funny.
Q: What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
A: You can't cross a vector with a scaler.
-Carolyn
Like Daddy always said: if you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.
Take a large green index card and a think tip black marker. Write "RED" in very large letters and show it to someone suspected of being a geek.
Think before you mod. While not EXACTLY like the examples, it still fullfills the criteria.
I can count to 1023 on my hands. Ask me about #132.
out of pity.
Have you ever considered a career as a straight man?
Ben
Work Safe Porn
This topic of 'tell us your science jokes' comes up every year or so on slashdot. I don't want to rewrite and read all the same jokes again. Can someone find the previous versions of this topic in the slashdot archives and just post links?
I am still a declared physics and math major, even though I'm now CS. Anyhow, here's my favorite math joke:
There was a man in a nuthouse who constantly scared off all the newcomers with a menacing smile and the dreadful-sounding phrase, "I differentiate you! I differentiate you!"--invariably the newcomer would cower in the corner and stay far away from the man.
However, one day another man came in and confronted the first man. Of course, the first began yelling at the newcomer, "I differentiate you! I differentiate you!" But it had no effect on the newcomer. The man yelled "I differentiate you!" several times to no avail. Finally, he broke down in tears. "Why, why?!?" he asked.
The second man stated simply, "I'm e^x."
I used to work for a place that had an inherently funny product name: xbat. Dumping core was considered inherently funny too. I used to have people rolling on the floor with the line "Xbat just dumped core." My girlfriend didn't think it was funny either... (Neither did the customers.)
Someone once said that the point of higher education was so that you could understand more jokes.
Mr. Kepler: Hey there Earth! I heard you got a new job as a janitor. How's it goin'?
Earth: *sigh* Mmmmm...ok, but my boss always makes me sweep out the same area!
One day the cow in a small village stopped giving milk. So the villagers take the cow up the hill to the mathmetician living up there. They tell him the problem, and he goes back inside his house. The villagers can see him paceing back and forth in his study, and scribbling formulas on his black board (it was s long tim e ago), and finally he comes back out side. The villagers all gather around as he holds up his hands for silence: ...
Assume a spherical cow, radiating milk isometrically
Because while I did Physics at University I was one. Taje the "j" out of my name above to see somthing that mae a physicist laugh.
:/
<fnord>OBEY</fnord>
but does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
My favorite physics joke:
cold fusion
Student 1: What's new?
Student 2: C over lambda!
Have you seen my stapler?
Heisenberg looks around the bar and says, "Because there are three of us and because this is a bar, it must be a joke. But the question remains, is it funny or not?"
And Godel thinks for a moment and says, "Well, because we're inside the joke, we can't tell whether it's funny. We'd have to be outside looking at it."
And Chomsky looks at both of them and says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."
GET YOUR WEAPONS READY! --DR.LIGHT
...I don't get it
...and orders a beer. He asks the bartender: 'how much?', and the bartender says, 'for you, no charge.'
ba-dum ching
There is a whole series of jokes on "How to Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert". Unfortunately, I can't find a list, but here are two examples. There are no wild lions in the Sahara Desert. Catching a tame lion is left to the reader as an exercise. Leave large amounts of very dense lion food. When the lion eats enough, he will shrink into a black hole. The distortion in space time should confuse the lion enough for you to be able to catch him.
"Rectum! Damn near killed 'em."
This one requires a little bit of visualization, so get out a pen and paper if necessary. Some friends and I once wrote the following on a chalkboard:
integral e^x = f(un)
The teacher, upon seeing this, showed his appreciation by adding a subscript ny to the right side of the equation.
Now for another one of my personal favorites, told in the manner of an algebraic proof.
1. Girls require time and money. Or, to say it another way, girls are the product of an investment of time and money:
girls = time * money
2. Time is money:
time = money
3. Therefore, by substitution:
girls = (money)^2
4. According to the new testament, money is the root of all evil:
money = (all evil)^(1/2)
5.Performing another subsitution:
girls = all evil
Anonymous Luddite: "What do you think of the dehumanizing effects of the Internet?"
Andy Grove: "Not Much."
Conserve energy - commute with the Hamiltonian! --posted on a door in Randal, UofM Ann Arbor.
Telling the user their system has a serious PEBKAC error:
Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair
Comment removed based on user account deletion
A guy walks into a bar. "Ouch", he says.
Be excellent to each other. And... PARTY ON, DUDES!
A policeman pulls Werner Heisenberg over.
"Do you know how fast you were going?" the policeman asks.
"No, but I know exactly where I was!" replies Heisenberg.
Greg
(Inside a nuclear plant)
Aaaarrrggh! Run! The canary has mutated!
Take a large green index card and a think tip black marker. Write "RED" in very large letters and show it to someone suspected of being a geek.
After years of wallowing in the sad belief that I was, in fact, a geek, I have been rescued!
I don't get it! YAY!
The wedding wasn't too great, but the reception was awesome.
ba-dum ching
came up with this while reading Brian Greenes "Elegant Universe" while working on U.S. taxes:
The Internal Revenue Service has a way of making addition,
subtraction, multiplication and division seem like rocket science.
CERN and Stephen Hawkings have collaborated to produce this simplified U.S. tax form.
1040-QUARK
1) Enter your Name 2) Enter the number of protons in your nucleus.
3) Multiply the entry in Line 2 by the mass of an electron
4) Check the box that indicates the number of dimensions in your
universe. 0, 1, 11, 15, Infinite
5) Enter the number planck-sized spheres will fit in this universe?
(Use worksheet F-theta) Enter your answer in column 6
NOTE: It may be useful to transform your universe into the mirror
equivalent calubi-yau space in order to simplify calculations.
6)
6a) Add the result of 6a to the winding number of the strings in this
calubi-yau space, subtract the number of holes in odd numbered
dimensions.
Enter your answer in column 7. (Use worksheet J-delta and/or a
Super-Hadron collider)
NOTE: Be careful, you can shoot your eye out with a super-hadron
collider.
8) Enter the value of payments you've made into social security.
9) Use the lorentz social security contraction equation to figure out
how much will remain by time you retire (1-1/SQRT(v^2/c^2) ) where c is
the number of members of congress
36) Add columns 1-6a divide your answer by the rest mass of a photon,
this is how much you owe.
37) Multiply your answer by the rest mass of a neutrino. This is how
much you get back.
engineering professor of mine:
...well, I thought it was funny...
"The difference between aircraft structural engineering and civil engineering is that, in civil engineering, structures don't usually move unless there is a lawsuit involved."
.
.
.
A goal is a dream with a deadline
An optimist says "the glass is half-full".
A pessimist says "the glass is half-empty".
An engineer says "you need a smaller glass".
Q. There were two cats on a roof. Which one slid off first?
A. The one with the lower mew.
11.0010010000111111011010101000100010000101101000
"What's new?"
"E over h."
Anyone care to explain? Best joke? Pardon my ignorance but I have no clue what it means.
Wax on. Whacks off.
This is America, damnit. Speak Spanish!
Q: So a plane was flying north, over the border between Germany and Poland. Suddenly for no apparent reason, the plane starts losing altitude and crashes!! Why did the plane crash? A: All of the poles were on the right side of the plane!! heh heh...poles
How many Heisenbergs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
If you know the number, you don't know where the socket is.
Comment removed based on user account deletion
I heard this funny story which was said to be a true incident. I like the subtle frame-of-reference joke.
Norbert Weiner was driving along a country road, when he got involved in a one-car accident, he drove off the road head-on into a telephone pole. When the police arrived, they asked him what happened. He said,
"I was driving along, the telephone poles were passing me in a regular order, when suddenly they swerved!"
Four, length, width, depth and ...time.
there are 10 kinds of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don't
How many consulting engineers does it take to change a light bulb? One, that'll be $50 please.
How many nuclear physicists does it take to change a light bulb? One, he raises it into place and the world revolves around him.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? Can't be done. It's a hardware problem.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb? Approximately 1.000000000000000000000.
How many Pentium owners does it take to change a light bulb? 0.99987, but that's close enough for most applications.
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they merely change the standard to darkness and then they upgrade the customers.
How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Seven, one to screw it in and six to design the T-shirts.
How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to screw in the light bulb, and one to watch him to make sure he doesn't say 'nipple'.
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
How many beta testers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just find the problems, they don't fix them.
How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence.
Engineers:
===
Think math is a crude approximation of nature
.
Scientist:
===
Think nature is a crude approximation of math
.
Mathematicians:
===
Can't draw the connection
A goal is a dream with a deadline
Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature. =P
Absurd! The accountant will say the wife-- she's tax deducible.
Dejected and outmuscled, the string leaves. The same thing happens at the next place, "We don' allow yer kind here! This is a respectable joint!"
The string has an idea. He tossles up his end, makes a loop and pulls his tail through, and goes back in the first bar. The bartender eyes him. "Hey, aren't you that string I just bounced outta here?" Offended, the string answers him:
"I'm a frayed knot."
sigs, as if you care.
The first says "I'll have a martini"
The second says "Darn I wanted a Martini too"
- Credit my E&M Prof.
"Open the pod by doors, Hal" > "I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave" sudo "Open the pod bay doors, Hal" > alright
while horse==dead
{
beat(horse);
}
This sig no verb.
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are sent into a room and told they can only come out when they can answer the question, "What is the sum of two and two?" The engineer comes out immediately and says, "It's 4 +/- 0.0003". The physicist comes out a few minutes later and says, "It's 4." The mathematician staggers out disheveled eight hours laters and announces breathlessly, "There is a solution!!"
#!
Not really. Considering it in the superposition of states context from which the analogy derived, the particle (cat) does have a wavefunction, which must integrate to 1 over all space. That wavefunction/state can be a superposition of two well-defined states/functions, which in the cat context means it's dead and alive.
To be more accurate, LifeState(Cat)=A*"alive"+(1-A)*"dead", where A is a real number between 0 and 1, and "alive" and "dead" are two valid, real-valued states/values, each of which derives from an operator "LifeState" and two respective "wavefunctions" that square-integrate to 1 over all space and together make up the composite wavefunction "Cat." So the cat's half-alive, half-dead.
Wow, that was fun.
-Looking for a job as a materials chemist or multivariat
Doppler shift, related to Hubble's Law, except in the expanding universe, everything is redshifted, going away; if you're going fast TOWARDS something, you'll get blueshift. If the Red stop light (or stop-sign) looks blue or even amber or green, you're approaching the ultimate speed limit. Try this at home.
Where do you extract Mercury from?
Hg Wells
(/me runs away)
My Stack Overflow user
"What's brown and sticky?"
"A yard-glass of diarohea."
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked to review this mathematical problem. In a high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart. The mathematician, physicist, and engineer were asked, " When will the girls and boys meet?" The mathematician said, " Never." The physicist said, " In an infinite amount of time." The engineer said, " Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."
A biologist, a physisist, and a mathematician are standing outside of a building. Two people walk in. After a few minutes, three people walk out.
.75 liters of water, and douses the flames. Having put out the fire, he goes back to sleep.
"Aha!" the biologist says, "they must be breeding!"
"No, no," the physisist replies "this is could be bad. In order to preserve the laws of thermodynamics, someone else must go into the building."
The mathematician replys "But if someone else goes into the building, it will be empty."
--------------
An engineer, a physisist, and a mathematician, and a statisticain are all staying at a hotel. In the middle of the night the engineer wakes up to find that his trashcan is on fire. He runs to the sink, fills his ice bucket with water and douses the flames. Then, just to be sure, he runs back to the sink, refills the bucket and dumps more water into the trashcan. With the fire out, he goes back to sleep.
A little while later, the trashcan in the physists room spontaneously breaks into flame, waking the physisist. He whips out his slide rule, does some calculations, then runs to the sink, fills his bucket with exactly
A few minutes later, the mathematician wakes up to see that his trashcan is on fire. He whips out a piece of paper, scrawls out some equations, then goes back to sleep, comfortable that a solution exists.
Meanwhile, the statisticain is running from room to room lighting trashcans on fire -- he needed more samples.
--------------
neh, i tried...
Rhapsody in Numbers
When I was a young physics guy we used to say to each other before parting "See you in the future!"
(The yuk being, of course, that to a physicist, this is weird, because the progress of time from past to future, and not also future to past, is a symmetry break.)
#!
Or just google for "How to prove it"
An electron, a proton, and a neutron walked into a bar which had a sign, "All drinks $1.00." The electron said, "Hey guys we only have $2.00 among the three of us". The proton said, don't worry there is no CHARGE for the neutron. The electron said, "Are you sure?" The proton answered, "I'm positive."
Yeah, a friend of mine in high school calc came up with an equation where he set the integral of e^x equal to the Function u sub n.
Which basically looked like:
Se^x = F(un)
not that a high school calc geek could actually prove that...
In the future, I would want to not be isolated from my friends in the Space Station.
Hopefully I get these right. I have them saved in my away messages at home, let's see if I can remember them.
( *#&@!(#^$*#$_(*@!&#*&@!$#"
Two bytes are in a bar. One says to the other, "I'm not feeling that well. I think I have a parity error". The other byte responds, "I thought you looked a bit off!"
rimshot
Two strings walk into a bar. The first says "Barkeep, I'll have a whiskey sour." The second string says "Hey, that sounds good. I think I'll have one too.(&!@(**(#$^(*(*&@(*!$&(*@#&(*(!@#)(*(*@!$(&!@
The first string says to the bartender "Excuse my friend, he isn't null terminated."
There are only 10 kinds of people in this world... those who understand binary and those who don't
Descartes is sitting in a bar, having just finished his drink. The waitress says, "Would you like another drink?" Descartes says "I think not", and disappears.
Warning, this is quite pathetic (more along the lines of demonstrating exactly how lacking in humour mathematicians are)
Q: What's an anagram of "Banach-Tarski"
A: "Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski"
I did warn you it sucked...
Jedidiah
Craft Beer Programming T-shirts
here i am thinking how pathetic ive become working 18 hours a day and not going out. glad i can read articles like this to feel a lot better about myself
wait i just started laughing. crap!
My favorite was the joke about the physics exam in which a young Neils Bohr goes through all the different ways to measure the height of a building using a pen.
I thought is was a barometer:
Neils Bohr: On Being a Student
And relevant google search
Who said Freedom was Fair?
Two hydraulics engineers are walking down the street when they spy a beautiful woman:
First engineer: "Wow, look at her!"
Second engineer: "Big deal, she's 80% water"
First engineer: "I know, but what surface tension!"
--If 50,000 people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
Each has their apartment on fire:
The engineer walks in, seeing the fire he runs and grabs the biggest container he can find, fills it full of water, dumps it on the fire. The fire is out but the room is flooded, the stereo and tv are ruined, the couch is trashed, everything is soaked.
The physicist walks in to his own abode sees the fire, thinks a bit, does some calculations goes and grabs a container fills it with exactly 4.5 gallons of water, dumps it on the fire. The fire is out, there was just enough water to put out the fire and no more.
The mathematician walks, looks at the fire, grabs a pencil and paper and starts jotting down equations. Looks at the fire again, looks at the sink and a tub, jots down some more equations. Finally he puts down the paper, scratches his chin and says "Definitely possible."
Looks better when written out mathmatically: The limit of a sum as GPA goes to 0 of a physics major equals an engineering major.
An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes, which can be made, in a very narrow field. - Niels Henrik David Bohr (1885-1962)
A man walks into a bar and asks for a pint of Adenosine Tri-Phosphate, and the barman says: That'll be 80p (ATP).
There are 10 types of people in the world, those that know binary, and those that don't.
. ...there's another version specifically for Purdue, but this one is more universal I guess.
e^x dydx
e^x dx
secant cosine tangent sine
3.14159!
.
.
A goal is a dream with a deadline
From http://www.247joke.com/jokes/programmers01.shtml:
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
"I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."
"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."
I, being a translator, was working at my desk with my translation contracts neatly arranged in first come first served order, when a client calls about his translation request.
Client "So, how long until I get my document translated?"
Me "Well, it will take me about 2 days once I start working on it. So in about 4 days."
Client "You haven't started yet?! And at the price I'm paying?!"
Me "Well, some other clients sent their requests before you did, and I have first come first serve policy, besides, my rates are so competitive you'd have trouble finding a cheaper rate, outside of free automatic internet translations like google's babblefish."
Client "You can get free translation on the internet?! I'm cancelling the translation request then!"
I didn't see your joke in the article. All I saw was "physicsweb.org refused a connection."
Yup, slashdotted.
1 - To change the bulb and post on /. where the notification of the light bulb change could be found.
6 - To repost the light bulb change notification in the thread, in case of /.ing.
5 - To post how they last changed a light bulb, how it differed from how the original poster changed the light bulb, and why their way was better.
121 - Who have never changed a light bulb, have no clear concept of what a light bulb does, but feel constrained to critique all of the methods.
15 - To question if there was ever any need to change the light bulb in the first place.
17 - To blame the need to change light bulbs on government interference.
7 - To accuse the above of being short-sighted sycophants with little or no appreciation for how things work in the real world (the author sits firmly in this category, possibly as it's King.)
400 - To moderate posts about which they have only strong opinions, no facts, but some very strong opinions.
10 - Staff, to ignore 95% of the light bulb change notification postings. Only notifications about the light bulbs they find interesting will be posted.
5 - Malcontents who take umbrage with the above, and use the thread to express their extreme antipathy toward this practice.
3 - to point out to the above that they are wasting everyone's time since the Staff plainly do not react to such commentary.
4 - To question wether changing any light bulb is worth reporting on /.
133 - To make posts demonstrating their poor grasp of the concept of comedy.
97 - To make posts demonstrating that they have only a slightly improved sense of ha-ha over the above.
64 - To make posts which indicate that they should definitely keep their day jobs.
16 - Who actually post funny things most of the time, but seem to have a real problem with finding anything funny about light bulbs.
4 - Who genuinely are funny in their post. (No, the author does not claim to be one of these.)
25 - To post extrememly insightful diatribes which have NOTHING to do with light bulbs, or the changing thereof.
1,234 - Anonymous Cowards who dilute threads, engage in trolling, generally conduct themselves poorly and make all of us wonder why /. isn't members-only to post.
3 - Memebers who forgot to log in and posted as Anonymous Coward, falsely giving hope to the staff for improved AC posts in the future.
"Talk minus action equals nothing" - Joey Shithead, D.O.A.
"Talk minus action equals
Hahaha.
Just when I run out of mod points, this post comes along.
"So You Think Physics is Funny"
Every person that's ever taken ugrad physics has been nailed with the "Physics is Phun" bad joke!.
I don't have this one exactly right, but it's something like this:
How many bits does it take to perform a shift left?
32, 1 to shift and 31 to push the register!
Facts are stubborn things.
Why did the function cross the road?
Because it's defined on both sides and continuous.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinocerous?
elephant rhinocerous sine theta
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
You can cross an elephant with a scalar!
What's green and commutes?
An Abeilian grape.
-no broken link
Go take your karma-less ass somewhere else.
Elephant-Watermelon sin(theta)!!
What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?
You can't, because a mountain climber is a scalar!!
I will now critique my own joke. Although there are good reasons not to analyze "cogito ergo sum" as a case of modus ponens, let us for simplicity pretend that he meant it this way: If I think, then I exist; I think; therefore I exist.
The joke relies on the fallacy of denying the antecedent. That is, from "if P then Q" it does NOT follow "if not P then not Q". But that is just what the joke assumes: If I think, then I exist; therefore, if I think not, then I exist not.
Perhaps the reason the joke is funny (if it is), is not because denying the antecedent is funny, but because people who hear it typically make the mistake of denying the antecedent, and so the joke sounds like a logical development of their superficial understanding of Descartes.
A man finds a lamp and poof, out comes a genie who gives him 3 wishes.
The man's first wish is to live forever and it is granted.
Then he realizes that eventually the universe will end so he wishes for the hubble constant to be zero and it is granted.
Satisfied, he sits back and wishes for a bowl of pudding. Poof, a bowl of pudding materializes out of nowhere, the hubble constant goes negative, and the universe collapses.
My server
This is a centimeter .....sorry....
.
[picture of ladybug like insect]
.
.
Q: What then, is this?
.
[picture of same insect upside down with it's legs sticking in the air]
.
.
A: It's an erg, because an erg is a dyne-centimeter.
.
.
A goal is a dream with a deadline
The thing I liked most about my job when I was a DBA was taking a dump. I used to take them every night.
"Teleporting Rodents with D-Cell Battery Displacement" theory -- IgnoramusMaximus (692000)
A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and says to the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, who is obviously a yuppie, then turns to his peaceful, grazing flock and calmly answers, "OK, why not?"
So the yuppie parks his car, whips out his IBM Thinkpad, connects it to his mobile phone, surfs the Internet and finds a NASA site. Then, using the Web site, he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system and scans the area.
Next he opens up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas and after a few minutes he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer. Eventually he turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."
"That's correct," says the shepherd "you can take one of the sheep."
He watches as the young man selects one of the animals and bundles it into his car, then says: "Hold on a minute, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not?" answers the young man.
"That's easy," says the shepherd "you're a consultant."
"That's spot on," says the yuppie, clearly amazed, "but how did you guess that?"
"There was no guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You turned up here, even though nobody called you. You expect to get paid to give me an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't even know a thing
about my business. Now give me back my dog."
Only the hardcore chessnuts will get this one:
Q: What's the best defence against the sicilian?
A: 1. d4!
What's the diffeence between a garden hose and the male reproductive system?
There's a vast difference.
Chemistry:
The carbonyl is polarized, The delta end is plus. The nucleophile will thus attack, The carbon nucleus. Addition makes an alcohol, Of types there are but three. It makes a bond, to correspond, From C to shining C.
To the tune of "America the Beautiful"
Geometry:
Once upon a time there were three kingdoms, all bordered on a single lake. In the middle of the lake was a hotly contested island. After decades of fighting over it, the three kings decided to end the dispute, once and for all. Each kingdom would send their best knights to the island and have a all out fight. Whoever is left, gets the island.
The first kingdom is large and wealthy. It sends 50 knights, each with three squires. They arrive the day before the big fight and prepare. The knights drill and carouse, eat and drink, and tell stories of their bravery all knight while the squires cook, shine armor, serve food and prepare weapons.
The second kingdom is not as wealthy, but still quite well off. They send 25 knights, each with two squires. They also arrive the night before and prepare. The knights drill and carouse, eat and tell stories while the squires cook, shine armor,sharpen weapons and prepare for battle.
The third kingdom has fallen on hard times, and has only one elderly knight and his faithful squire to send. They, like the others, arrive the night before and prepare. The knight eats, drills, and prepares for battle. The lone squire can't cook and sharpen weapons, and serve, and shine armor at the same time, so he hangs a pot over the fire with a noose while he readies his master's gear. To buy more time, he cooks the meal slowly by hanging high over the fire.
The next morning, the squires try to rouse the knights for battle. The knights of the forst kingdom are too hungover, and give the squires their swords. The knights of the second kingdom wakes with the same problem, and has the same solution. The poor third squire finds his old master pale and exhausted from his preparations from the night before, so he too goes to battle.
A massive slaughter ensues. It lasts all day, into the night. Back on the shores of the lake, the shouts of battle can be heard throught the darkness, finally tapering off just before dawn. When the smoke clears, the lone squire, injured, bleeding and dressed in tatters comes limping from the battlefield carrying a broken sword, victorious. Which just goes to prove....
The squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
There is a reason for everything. Sometimes that reason just sucks.
At my school, this bit of grafitti was found outside the physics building:
"Heisenberg probably rules"
Okay, so it is lame... made me laugh.
God save our Queen, and Heaven bless The Maple Leaf Forever!
This is by far my favorite Science joke... This was a question on some exam a few years back...
"Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle?s Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering hell, let?s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle?s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls to the volume must remain constant.
So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Therese Banyan during freshman year ("It will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you"), and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and therefore hell must be exothermic.
I've been adding to this list every so often - I'm sure many of them are from /. sigs (sorry about the theft, folks):
How much force does it take to stop a propeller?
About half a Newton.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are playing a round of golf.
They get behind a pair that is playing amazingly slow. After some
time they realize that these two men are blind.
"What a sad way to spend one's life," said the priest. "I will
say a prayer for them."
"I have a good friend that is an eye surgeon," said the doctor,
"maybe I could get them some help."
The engineer thought for a second, "Why don't these guys play at night?"
Unix IS user-friendly, it just chooses its friends very carefully.
"Engineers aren't boring people; we just get excited over boring things."
Lotteries are a tax on people who suck at math.
"Ah yes, the Tomahawk Cruise missle... the rich country's car bomb."
What's the difference between C and C++?
Nothing, as (C - C++ == 0). Note, however, that the value of C has been increased...
Alcohol and calculus don't mix, don't drink and derive.
C - A language that combines the speed of assembly with the ease of use of assembly.
Q: What did the mathematician name his daughter?
A: Constance
My degree is in Physics from Virginia Tech, but the funniest thing I heard or saw while I was there was a sign while I was looking for the Philosophy Department to force-add a class that I needed to graduate. It read simply "Is this the Philosophy Department?" And I knew I was in the right place.
I'd like to dip my balls in that.
-j
You might be an engineer if...
Dewey, what part of this looks like authorities should be involved?
Gravity does not exist, the universe just sucks.
User not found: Please check the world and try again.
Did you hear about the geologist with tooth decay? He lost his apatite.
Two-gait toothy Uther's eyes.
Whats Purple, 12 inches long and makes a woman scream when it's only halfway up her cunt?
Stillbirth!
My favorite in the "found humor" category was from an article by a physicist during the Star Wars anti-missile debates of the early 80's. This guy referred to SDI as "literally pie in the sky". This conjurs up images of orbitting coconut cream pies preparing to smack incoming missiles in the face...
A google search for the phrase "literally pie in the sky" actually comes up with several examples, including this, which is about meteor defense.
I get my jokes from Think Geek, too.
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily, as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of humor from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
ah that old chestnut, "prove that all odd numbers greater that 2 are prime"
Phsyicist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is...observational error, 11 is prime...
Engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime for all practical purposes, 11 is prime...
Computer Scientist: 3 is prime, 3 is prime, 3 is prime, 3 is prime, 3 is prime....
SO YOU'RE GOING TO DIE: The Comic for Dealing with Death
So there are these two functions walking down the street, e^x and a constant. They're having a pleasant walk, catching up on old times, when all of a sudden they see someone walking towards them! "Oh my god! It's a derivative! I'm going to get killed!" says the constant, who runs away in the other direction as fast as possible. e^x thinks, "well, I'll be alright, I'm e^x, nothing can hurt me!" and continues on forwards. Soon they reach each other, and he introduces himself, "hi, I'm e^x." to which the derivative responds, "hi, I'm d/dy!"
I think it's the Pauli exclusion principle.
"The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again..."
qntm.org
I've tested this one in a stand-up routine. The average Joe/Jane rarely gets it. Anyone who knows lab-working scientists gets it right away.
A famous scientist was downtown, shopping with his wife, and clearly not enjoying it. She said "I'm going to shop for some shoes. You can go to the bookstore to browse. I'll meet you in front of the bookstore in an hour," and goes off.
The scientist goes into the bookstore. Soon after, a beautiful young coed comes in, eyes the scientist, and starts to make moves on him. He falls for the ploy, and ends up at her place, doing the nasty.
Three hours later, he realizes he's late, and rushes off back to the bookstore. There he finds his wife waiting, arms crossed, tapping her toe angrily.
Overcome with remorse he tells her what happened, admitting everything, and apologizing profusely.
She listens to his speech, and when he's done, shakes her finger at him and yells "Don't lie to me! You were at the lab!"
"I may be synthetic, but I'm not stupid." -- Bishop 341-B
(In reference to "make" comparing timestamps to determine which targets to compile.)
Did you touch before you made out?
... he knew exactly how fast his car keys were moving.
Would you like to integrate my natural log?
Here's a copy of Google's mirror
Go away, or I will replace you with a very small shell script.
"Occult" means "hidden". That's all. When the gastroenterologist is checking for "occult blood" in your shit-sample, it doesn't mean that he or she's trying to perform an exorcism.
--grendel drago
Laws do not persuade just because they threaten. --Seneca
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my file?
If this bumber sticker appears blue, you're going too fast.
May the net force be with you.
this one was told to me by my thermo professor:
:-)
A farmer is having trouble with his cows so he hires a geologist, biologist, chemist, and physicist to help.
The geologist surveys the land, the bedrock, and the streams on the farm and declares the cows' trouble are due to the soil and water.
The biologist examines the cow throughly and decides the cause of the problem is a strange virus in the cow.
The chemist, upon the biologist's findings creates a remedy for the virus based on a medicine noone will be able to pronounce.
Finally, the physicist sits the farmer down in front of a chalkboard, draws a circle, and says "consider a spherical cow."
Johnny was a chem student :-)
He isn't anymore
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4
-----
"You spilled my egg... I needed that egg."
An engineer and a mathematician are in a room. On the other side is a beautiful naked (man/woman your choice). The boss tells them they can cross the room to the other side, but they have to do it in steps of 1/2. First 1/2 way across, then 1/2 of that, 1/2 of that etc.
The mathematican replies 'Sorry, I can't get there that way'.
The engineer replies 'I can get close enough!'
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician live on the same block one night, a fire starts in each of their bedrooms. The engineer wakes up, does some quick calculations on how much water is needed to put out the fire, doubles the amount just to make sure, tosses the water on the fire, puts it out and goes to bed. The physicist does some pretty good calculations, figures out the exact amount of water necessary, puts out the fire and goes to bed. The mathematician sees the fire, sits down, uses a bunch of Fourier series and figures out exactly how much water it takes to put out the fire. Once he knows the problem can be solved, he goes back to bed.
Whats the area of a circle?
/> never mind
Pi r squared
Pi are not square pi are round!
What, not funny? I beg to differentiate.
<groan
Thoughts on tech, Software Engineering, and stuff
more science jokes
An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were
each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly
how tall a particular hotel was.
All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The Physics
student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings,
a calculator, and some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball
bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time
it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with
the sidewalk.
The Math student waited until the sun was going down, then she
took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape,and scratch pad,
measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof
made from the ground, and used trignometry to figure out the height of
the building.
These two students bumped into the Engineering student the next
day, who was nursing a really bad hangover. When asked what he did to
find the height of the building he replied:
"Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him
how tall the hotel was, and hit the bar inside for happy hour!"
I thought Avocado's Number was 6.02*10**23 alligator pears.
Just like a millihelen is the amount of beauty required to launch a single ship.
Or sixteen and a half feet in the Twilight Zone is one Rod Serling.
--grendel drago
Laws do not persuade just because they threaten. --Seneca
Two divorce attorneys are walking down the street when they see a BEAUTIFUL blonde bombshell walking toward them. They both watched as she passed by, and once she was out of earshot one attorney turns to the other and says "Man, I'd love to screw her!" To which the other responds "Yeah? Out of what?"
DILBERT'S SALARY THEOREM
Dilbert's Salary Theorem states that engineers and scientists can never earn as much salary as business executives and sales people.
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following three postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power (Knowledge=Power)
Postulate 2: Time is Money (Time=Money)
Postulate 3 (as every engineer knows): Power = Work / Time
By substitution, since Knowledge = Power, Postulate 3 becomes:
Knowledge = Work / Time
and since Time = Money, we have:
Knowledge = Work / Money
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.
Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.
A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are sitting at an outdoor cafe discussing the architecture of the empty building across the street. While they're talking, two people walk into the building. Then, a few minutes later, three people walk out.
The biologist says, "They reproduced!"
The physicist says, "There must be an error in our measurements."
The mathematician says, "If one person goes in, it will be empty again!"
So, rather than appear foolish afterward, I renounce seeming clever now.
Old Volkswagen driving down the highway with a vanity license plate that reads: "FEATURE"
This joke about a joke was told to me by a social psychologist who specializes in the psychology of humor.
The traveling salesman's car breaks down at night on a country road. He walks to the nearest farm, knocks on the door says "May car broke down. Can you give me a ride into town?"
The farmer says "Not tonight, but I can take you in the morning. You can stay in my guest house. No one else is there. You can lock the doors, and no one will bother you, guaranteed."
The salesman turns around and starts to walk away. The farmer says "Hey! Where are you going?"
The salesman says "Sorry, wrong joke."
"I may be synthetic, but I'm not stupid." -- Bishop 341-B
[Disclaimer: I know little about the mechanics or electronics of an automobile. Adjust technobabble accordingly.]
Three engineers -- a Mechanical, an Electrical and a Software engineer -- are riding in a car down a mountain. Near the bottom, the driver inexplicably looses control, and the car skids off the road into a ditch. The three uninjured techies extract themselves from the damaged vehicle and, after phoning for a tow truck, pass the time by trying to determine the cause of the accident.
After poking around under the hood for a few minutes, the Mechanical Engineer declares that a linkage to the brake pedal had broken, which caused the lack of control and thereby the accident.
The Electrical Engineer, however, points to corroded wires leading to one of the pumps, and argues that a power failure had caused the power stearing to go out. But the ME disagrees, insisting that the accident was caused by a mechanical problem.
Finally the two turn to the Software Engineer and ask his opinion. He looks at the car, looks at the other two, and looks at the road:
"I say we push it back up to the top and see if it happens again."
BA DUM CHING
F(u)*C^k = Y_0*U
Des Cartes sits down at the bar. The bartender asks him if he would like a beer, to which responds "I think not." Des Cartes promptly disappears in a puff of logic.
I'll paraphrase an actual conversation I had at the lunch table back in college.
HIM: So, then the next one in this homework is
"Post cock, ergo propter cock"...
ME: Wait a minute! "After my cock, therefore
because of my cock"?
HIM: Ummm.. errr.. Well, I can SEE why you'd call
that a logical fallacy.
ME: *busts up laughing at the unintended pun*
HIM: What?
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are supposed to prove that the odd numbers are all prime.
... nine isn't ... but eleven is prime, thirteen is prime ... nine is just experimental error."
... oh, hell, the rest are probably prime."
The mathematician says, "Three is prime, five is prime, so by induction the others are prime."
The physicist says, "Three is prime, five is prime, seven is prime
The engineer says, "Three is prime
Caution: Do not look into laser beam with remaining eye.
A quantum mechanic can park his car in the garage without opening the door.
I read this in Natural History magazine probably ten years ago:
Never take more than three measurements. It will make sense on somebody's graph paper. If you only have one type of graph paper, only take two measurements.
once again I'll tell it, if it was not already here.
I must explain, I cannot display the greek symbol or letter "epsilon".
the joke:
epsilon<0
...that what was once biology (wiggled) eventually becomes chemistry (and ultimately physics?)
"Those who have never entered upon scientific pursuits know not a tithe of the poetry by which they are surrounded."
Q: What do you call a pale ovoid fruit that is worshiped twice after sunset?
A: A bi-nightly venerated albinoid grape.
(For those of you who are woefully ignorant of mathematics, a common object in group theory is a "finitely generated Abelian group," hence the pun.)
Some more math jokes:
1) "Old calculus teachers never die, they just gradually lose their functions."
2) "Old ring theorists never die, they just lose their ideals."
and
3) A boy mathematician and a girl mathematician face each other from opposite sides of a room, and at the same time a boy engineer and a girl engineer face each other from opposite sides of the room. At the end of each minute, each boy-girl pair is allowed to halve their distance from each other. The boy and girl mathematicians never meet, but after a few minutes the engineers get close enough "for all practical purposes."
A: East cross North.
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in oorder to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
Well I don't really agree that mathematics is applied philosophy. Please explain.
Your choice of name, however, is excellent. God I loved that game.
With a terrified look in his eyes, the friend finally shrieked "JESUS, Heisenberg, do you know how fast you're going?!? "
His eyes still glued to the road, Heisenberg calmly replied "no, but I know exactly where I am."
* * *
It is a dada story -- it has no moral.
If the neutron took an electron, he would be charged.
what list of technical jokes would be complete without the legendary:
:-)
you have no chance to survive make your time. someone set up us the bomb. all your base are belong to us.
Look out for cats!!
we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively - bill hicks
...are stranded on a desert island with only a can of Pork and Beans between them. They're really hungry, so the physicist proposes a method of overheating the can on a fire, causing the contents to expand and burst the can. The engineer thinks this is silly, as it will make a mess and they may lose some of the beans, and starts deriving a complex contraption using ropes made from bark, bent palm trees and sharp rocks. The mathematician watches them for a few minutes, chuckles, and says, "You two are making this much more complicated than it needs to be. There's a very simple solution to this problem. First, assume a can opener..."
Today's Sesame Street was brought to you by the number e.
Those of us with a past in PC hardware tech will remember the all too common IRQ conflict between different hardware devices. However, after helping a customer with a very *personal* computer problem declared that there must have been an IQ conflict.
You know you're an admin when you see the bumper sticker: "users are losers" and have no idea they're talking about drugs.
Reminds me of the 'oldest profession' joke. A doctor, an engineer, and a programmer were discussing which was the oldest profession. The doctor said "God removed Adams rib to make Eve, so obviously 'doctor' is the oldest profession." The engineer replied, "but before that God made the Earth out of choas, which is obviously a feat of engineering." To which the programmer just grinned and said, "yeah, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
R: That voice. Where have I heard that voice before? B: In about 365 other episodes. But I don't know who it is either.
Love may be chemistry, but sex is all physics.
...and in the engineering building:
The limit as GPA approaches 0 of an engineering major = business major.
All three go into the mens room to take a leak.
First the Stanford graduate finishes. He goes to the sink and washes himself with excess water, soap and paper towels. "At Stanford they taught me to be clean!", he proclaims.
Next the Berkeley grad finishes. He goes to the sink and washes himself with a modest amount of water, soap and paper towels. He proudly declares "At Berkeley they taught me to be clean and thrifty!"
The Chico grad walks past them both, straight out the door, past the sinks and mutters, "At Chico they taught me not to piss on my hands."
We just covered someones car in physics equations and various physics related material: http://www.glue.umd.edu/~cornick/ (check the bottom of the page) It included the greatest pun ever "physicists do it with models".
http://www.glue.umd.edu/~cornick/
Remember: Calculus and alcohol don't mix.
Don't drink and derive.
dbax
Q: What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
A: Beethoven's last movement.
Q: What's brown and sits in the woods?
A: Winnie's Pooh.
Karma: NaN
Did you here about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
I mechanical engineer, a civil engineer and a software engineer are driving in a car. The car starts down a steep grade when the brakes fail. The driver pumps the brakes like mad, and the brakes catch just before they come to a skidding halt at the edge of a cliff.
The three engineers get out of the car, happy to be alive. Being engineers, they start to analyse the situation.
The mechanical engineer says "The problem here lies with the mechanical engineer who designed these brakes. The brakes should have been able to handle a car with this mass and speed on this road."
The civil engineer disagrees. "The problem is that the civil engineer that designed this road is at fault here. He shouldn't have build a road that is so steep that ordinary cars would be in danger."
The software engineer says "Why don't we just push it back up the hill and see if it happens again."
I used to think math was no fun
I couldn't see how it was done
Now Euler's my hero
'cause I see why 0
= e^(i*PI)+1
These two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?"
The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu"
"Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."
Quantum Physics - The Dreams that Stuff is made of.
(from fortune)
-.-- -.-- --..
One fish / Two fish / Red fish / Blue fish
ShyaOS - Think Differently!
A jet full of Polish citizens was flying over the US southwest, when the pilot said, "On your starboard side, you'll see the Grand Canyon." Everyone moved to look out the windows, and the jet crashed. The official accident investigation report read, "Too many Poles in the right-half plane".
Thanks, herd, I've had three coworkers come in to check on me. I Liiiiike it!
What this thread needs is some javascript that detects when you scroll down to go to the next joke, waits a few seconds for you to read it, then plays a rimshot noise.
the coolest club on
Two mathematicians were arguing in a restaurant about how ignorant the common person was about math. When one gets up and goes to the restroom, the second flags down their waitress. He gives her $10 if she will come back latter and say "sin x" when he asks her a question. He makes her repeat it back just to make sure she gets it right. Later when the first mathematician returns from the restroom, his friend offers to settle their argument over how much math the average person knows with a $20 dollar wager that their waitress will know the integral of a simple trigonometric function. They then call the waitress over. The clever second mathematician asks their waitress "What is the integral of cos x dx?" and the waitress hesitates for a moment before giving their pre-arranged response "sin x". The first mathematician, ignorant of being set up, hands his friend the $20 dollars. When the waitress gets out of an earshot of the table she angrily mumbles under her breath: "plus a constant."
e^u du dx
e^x dx
cos sec tan sin
3.14159
(Everybody!)
A software engineer, a mechanical engineer, and an electrical engineer are riding in a car. The car suddenly starts making a funny noise. The mechanical engineer says, "It sounds like a problem with the crank shaft, pull over and we can check it." The electrical engineer says, "No, no, its a problem with the alternator, the spark plugs aren't getting enough voltage." And the software engineer suggests, "Why don't we just pull over, shut off the car, and then turn it back on?"
-Heath
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the condensate.
And, at my old school,
The limit as GPA approaches 0 of an business major = education major.
What if life is just a side effect of some other process and God has no idea we exist?
So the teacher assigns to Ada, Bob, Charles and Danna to go home and figure out what is 2 + 2.
Ada, the daughter of a mathematitian, asks her dad. He responds: "Well, 1 + 1 = 2. 2+ 1 = 3. 3 + 1= 4, but it can be rewritten as 2 + 2, so 2 + 2 = 4"
Bob asks his mom, who is an engineer. She takes out her HP calculator, punches in RPN the appropiate keys, and announces: "It is 4.000000000000"
Charles asks his dad, the phycisist, and he responds: "Well, it is about pi on a zeroth order calculation"
Finally, Danna ask his dad, who is an accountant: "Dad, how much is 2 + 2?" And he responds: "How much do you want it to be?"
"There is no teacher but the enemy."-Mazer Rackham
For very large values of 2
A biologist, physicist and mathematician are all sitting outside a restaurant enjoying a meal.
They notice two people walk into a house across the street. Fifteen minutes later they notice three people walk out of the same house.
A little disturbed, the physicist exclaims, "That's impossible! They broke the law the conservation of mass & energy."
The biologist answers, "No, they simply reproduced."
The mathematician, knowing they are both wrong says, "There are now exactly -1 people in that house."
A student forgot his physics homework one day, so when the teacher asked him where his homework was, he replied, "I accidentally determined it's momentum so exactly it could be anywere in the universe right now."
steve
Oh, you're not stuck, you're just unable to let go of the onion rings.
Geek pickup lines
FoundNews.com - get paid to blog.,
I used to see an old Cold War-era flyer on the bulletin board in the linear accellerator building on my local campus, it eventually got taken down and I've been looking for a copy ever since. Maybe someone remembers this classic physics joke, someone HAS to have a copy posted on the web somewhere.
It was a list of "solutions to the submarine detection problem" or something like that. It purported to show how each scientific discipline would locate Russian submarines.
I only remember a couple of the solutions. Nuclear physicists would bombard the ocean with radiation to convert all the water to heavy water, changing the neutral density point and messing up the boyancy of subs, making them all rise to the surface. Mechanical engineers would build huge dams around the Atlantic, pump all the water into the Pacific, and then the submarines would be left sitting on the ocean bottom where they could be spotted by aircraft.
I think you get the basic idea, I remember it being totally hilarious, and I'm sure my two lame examples did not do it justice.
so a bunch of functions are sitting at a bar. and they get word that the DIFFERENTIAL IS COMING! so they're all like, "OH NO!!! HIDE!!!" and they all run off except for ONE!!! e^x. he sits there, acting all tough. and when the differential comes in he's like you can't differentiate me. I'm E TO THE X!!!! and the differential gives it an evil grin and sez whoever said that I differentiate with respect to x?
if new true friend not protected for explicit private union, break case and try using this.
--Nathan Meyers
Examples Here: http://216.138.213.70/default.asp?%61%66%66%69%6C% 52%45%46%3D%33%30%30%30%30%30%34%31
Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Motorola, we are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, "At IBM, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Texas Instruments, we don't pee on our hands."
Beware of Quantum Ducks...Quark! Quark! :-)
-- DuckWing
Heisenberg was speeding and a cop pulls him over. The officer walks up to the car and asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but i know exactly where i am."
but that joke was originally about the marines vs the army and air force.
Bob, a Texas cattle rancher, is getting old, and he wants to leave the ranch to his four sons. He gets sick, and calls them to his bedside to tell them: "You boys can have the ranch as long as you think up a good name. No sense in calling it Bob's Ranch when I'm gone." His sons leave, and spend days discussing the problem. Finally they return to their father's bedside and hand him a piece of paper. He reads it, smiles, and dies. What did it say? "Focus: where mourning sons raise meat." Don't get it? Say it out loud.
Ok, maybe that should be written T-dS ;^)
-- From my personal quotes:
Quantum Physics: The Dreams that Stuff is made of.
Ok, the set up, I have curly hair and I let it grow out into something reminscent of Einstein. I finally cut it, really short, and that week I went to the Society of Physics Students meeting here at Columbia. guy: "Wow, your hair has no curl anymore!" ... long pause as we digest the phys joke...
me: "Wait, are you trying to say my haircut is conservative?"
--Leo
If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the precipitate.
Have you ever studied serious mathematics? How is it not?
The whole point to Mathematics is that starting from a set of rigorous axioms, you can build up true statements using the rules of deductive logic (which are derived from philosophy). I'd guess you've at most taken an engineering calc class, so you might not understand that.
"I caught my daughter playing with the electrical outlet, and she gave herself quite a shock. I had to ground her."
*Groans elicted from the crowd*
"Hey, what do you expect? I'm a conductor."
What is the integral of 1/cabin?
int(1/cabin,cabin) = ln cabin + c
Log Cabin Plus Sea. Get it.
Yes! I listen to NYC Speedcore and do math at 3AM. I suggest you try it too.
Engineers answer only to Money.
"If you think you have things under control, you're not going fast enough." --Mario Andretti
Here's a good biology joke. Tell it to someone who understands meiosis. It'll get you a blank stare from anyone else.
Q: What does the 'H' in Jesus H. Christ stand for?
A: Haploid
But of course, gotta love the net, I also found it for $8, with a link to 'buy it on amazon' where it is once again $98 at the minimum.
If you want the book, I'd recommend just hitting a bunch of used bookstores (ask for ISBN: 0671740601 ). Good luck (here's the google, for reference.)
I had a conversation once with a co-worker about quantum computing. It took her a minut to realize why I was looking at her funny when she said it'd only take a handful of atoms to make a complex quantum computer.
"Derp de derp."
An engineer, physicist, and computer scientist are on a drive in the mountains when suddenly the brakes on their car fail. The car rockets down the side of the mountain. When it gets to the bottom, they all get out. The engineer immediately gets under the car, checking the brakes to see if something was wrong with them. The physicist sits down with a pad and pen and starts working out the forces that were at work on the car. The computer scientists looks at it for a second and then says "Lets take it back up to the top and see if it does the same thing again."
Beware of quantum ducts! Quark quark!
And a completely unrelated joke:
A baby seal walked into a club.
Cheers!
A: East cross North!
8 something...
and figures he had better learn the two-step. Although a good dancer, he just can't get the hang of it. He asks for help from a native Texan.
"Just make sure to keep the beat in your head. One-two, one-two, one-two."
"Oh -- all this time I'd been saying to myself 'zero-one, zero-one, zero-one.'"
Orange whip? Orange whip? Three orange whips.
Q: What's the difference between an accountant and an actuary? A: An accountant has personality.
HCG 50a = 2MASX J11170638+5455016
11h17m06.4s +54d55m02s
First of all, it's linear algebra, not calculus.
Second, it's should be turkey * chicken * sin(theta)
Wait... OMFG...
Clark was sitting quietly sipping his whiskey when he finally had enough of the loudmouth at the other end of the bar. He approached the noisy drunk and made a bet with him that he could jump out the window and land safely on the street 30 stories below. He insisted that the up-draft coming up from the neighboring building would slow his descent enough to survive the drop. The drunk finally took the bet, and Clark jumped out the window. About halfway down, his descent slowed, and he landed gracefully on his feet. Though astonished, the drunk happily paid the bet after learning that neat little trick. Later that night, he decided to test it out, so he flung himself out the window. About halfway down, his descent didn't slow. Instead, he cratered on the sidewalk. Shaking his head, the bartender said to Clark: "Superman, you're a real asshole."
"Derp de derp."
At New York's JFK airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a
public school math teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while
in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule and a
calculator.
Attorney general John Ashcroft believes the man is a member of the
notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying Weapons of
Math Instruction (WMI).
"al-Gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed", Ashcroft said. "They
desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a
tangent in a search of absolute values. They consist of quite shadowy
figures, with names like, "x", "y" and "z", and, although they are
frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a
common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country." "As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to
say, 'there are 3 sides to every angle'" he added.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "Make no
mistake, if God had wanted US to have better weapons of math
instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
A member of the Presidential group, who spoke without attribution said,
"I'm extremely grateful that our government has given us a sine that it
is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are so willing to
disintegrate us with calculus disregard. These statistic bastards love
to inflict plane on every sphere of influence. Under the circumferences,
it's time we differentiated their root, made our point, and drew the
line."
President Bush said, "these weapons of math instruction have the
potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before
seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in
random facts of vertex."
Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, 'Read
My Ellipse'. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of---though they
continue to multiply --- their days are numbered and the hypotenuse
will tighten around their necks."
Here's one of my own favourites:
A biologist, an engineer and a mathematician are observing a house, which they know to be empty. Two people enter the house, and some time later three people leave.
The biologist says, "They procreated."
The engineer says, "Our initial calculations were wrong"
The mathematician says, "If we send one more person in, the house will be empty."
:eof
A logician saves the life of a tiny space alien. The tiny alien is grateful and, since she's omniscient, offers the following reward: an offer to answer any question the logician might have.
Without too much thought, he asks: "What is the best question to ask and what is the correct answer to that question?"
The alien pauses for a long time. Finally she says: "The best question is the one you just asked; and the correct answer is the one I gave."
Q. What does a mathematician do when he is constipated?
A. Gets a pencil and works it out.
Vimes is in a boat, being chased by werewolves, and about to go over a waterfall.
GOOD MORNING.
Vimes blinked. A tall dark robed figure was now sitting in the boat.
"Are you Death?"
IT'S THE SCYTHE, ISN'T IT? PEOPLE ALWAYS NOTICE THE SCYTHE.
"Does this mean I'm going to die?"
POSSIBLY.
"Possibly? You turn up when people are possibly going to die?"
OH YES. IT'S QUITE THE NEW THING. IT'S BECAUSE OF THE UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE.
"What's that?"
I'M NOT SURE.
I hereby place the above post in the public domain.
Richard M. Stallman, Linus Torvalds, and Donald E. Knuth engage in a discussion on whose impact on the computerized world was the greatest.
Stallman: "God told me I have programmed the best editor in the world!"
Torvalds: "Well, God told *me* that I have programmed the best operating system in the world!"
Knuth: "Wait, wait - I never said that."
--Erik Meltzer, rec.humor.funny
Found here (I couldn't reach the original page today; this is a link to google's cache of the page)
philcrissman.com.
I had a science test once that asked what a wetting agent was. I had this image in my mind of the car salesman from True Lies. So I wrote down "incompetant". I thought the teacher'd enjoy a little humor. Didn't pass the test, though.
"Derp de derp."
I'm begging you please, try to delve this
I'm begging you please, do not shelve this
Re: Schroedinger's Cat
Don't you realize that
It's quite like the status of Elvis!!
(Pointed out to me by my fellow colleague at UCSD
As an engineering student (any type, ME, EE, CSE, CS, etc.) it sucks to have classes with barely any girls (eye candy) to help get you through those dry lectures. And the girls that are there, are butt ugly - really, 99.99% of the time, they are.
During the 1st week of classes, you're excited to be in a new class, excited to see new people and hopefully see some fine lookin' girls in class. You listen during lecture and become very dissapointed at the fact that there are no girls in your class, and the girls that are there, are yuck - remember these are girls you wouldn't even take a second glance (let alone a first) to look at. You and many others start to ditch class, because you can "teach yourself" all the crap the prof is talking about.
Around 5th week, just before mids, everybody comes back to class, and you look around again, still with that small glimmer of hope and see that the girls are still the same, but this time, you think, "Hmm . . . that girl is alright; that one isn't bad at all; she's f@ckable . . ." Remember, these are the same butt ugly looking girls.
Around 9-10th week just before finals, everybody goes to class again, and this time, as you check out the girls, you think, "Damn, she looks good, I'll go for her; She's fine, I'll ask her out . . ." and so on. Remember these are the same girls.
Peculiar how 10 weeks can change someone's mind about engineering girls. That, my friend, is the plight of the male engineer . . . University Goggles.
a group of mathematicians and engineers are aboard a train going to a conference. each mathematician bought a ticket, but the group of engineers only had a SINGLE ticket. the mathematicians were snickering at what might happen to the engineers when the ticket inspector comes. sure enough, after a while the engineer lookout shouted: 'here he comes!'. Immediately, ALL the engineers squeezed into the washroom. When the ticket inspector knocked on the washroom door, a single ticket slid out the bottom of the door... now the mathematicians feel cheated.
For the return trip, the mathematicians decided to purchase a single ticket for the whole group, while this time, the engineers bought NO ticket at all! The mathematicians were wondering how they're going to get out of this one... suddenly, the engineer lookout shouted: 'he's coming!'. all the mathematicians rushed into the washroom. knock knock...
I am unique, just like you, and you, and you...
Heisenberg May Have Been Here I might have been seen also ;-)
"I never get lost because everybody tells me where to go"
What insight was gleamed from that post? It's a joke, you clod.
"Sufferin' succotash."
That's a negative, sir.
P226
here's how to remember the element names of gold and sodium: "AU whatcha doin' with my gold!" "You want some sodium? reply: NA"
Three staticians go bear hunting.
The first one fires and misses, way off to the right.
The second one fires and misses, way off to the left.
The third one jumps up and down cheering, "We got him! We got him!"
I had a great physics prof back about 20 years ago whose name escapes me... Anyway, he peppered his lectures liberally with jokes and funny stories, and I remember one that went something like this:
A dairy decides that they if they hire a full-time scientist to work for them, they might be able to increase milk production. They end up hiring a physicist, who proceeds to lock himself in his office where he can be heard scribbling on a blackboard at all hours. Weeks later, he emerges shouting "Eureka!" and is quickly summoned to present his findings to the owners. He stands up to speak, shuffles his papers in search of the proper page filled with formulae, and begins, "Assume a spherical cow...."
On second thought, I guess that's probably only funny to a physics & math geek.
3000+ comments meta-modded. 0 mod points awarded.
Lesson for other meta-suckers: Don't believe the hype!
An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a chemical engineer were arguing about what was the greatest invention of all time.
The mechanical engineer said, "The greatest invention is the airplane. It allows anybody to go anywhere in the world in under 24 hours."
"No way," said the electrical engineer, "the greatest invention is the television. With it, you can see anything in the world instantly - you don't even have to go there."
The two went back and forth like this for a few minutes. Finally the chemical engineer broke in.
"You two are both wrong," he said, "the greatest invention is the Thermos bottle."
"The Thermos bottle!" exclaimed the other two. "How can *that* be the greatest invention?"
"Because," replied the chemical engineer, "it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold, but it has no moving parts. How does it know?"
An engineer, a manger and a programmer are all riding in a taxi when it begins to race out of control down a large hill. The taxi driver manages to slow the taxi to a stop by running into a row of bushes at which point the three passengers quickly jump out. The engineer pulls out a pocket knife, crawls under the car and begins inspecting the brakes. The manager paces back and forth talking on his cell phone while the programmer stands by looking at the other two with a semi-confused look on his face.
After a minute or two, the manager says "I think the solution is to hold a meeting to discuss the failures that led up to this failure with a follow-up meeting to discuss how to prevent such an event in the future." The engineer says, "I think there must be a design flaw in the braking system and it will need to be redesigned." The computer programmer still looking semi-confused says "I think we should take the car up to the top of the hill and see if it happens again."
It is quite simple
Haiku should not be funny
Try a Senryu
Two, but don't ask them how they got there, or they'll screw YOU
Get thee glass eyes, and, like a scurvy politician, seem to see things thou dost not.--King Lear
(Note: this is a college-rival joke. I'm a Georgia Tech grad, so I pick on UGA. Feel free to substitute your rival school for UGA here.)
Once upon a time, a group of University of Georgia students decided to take a trip to Paris. One day, they came across a man selling tickets for an airplane tour of the city. They all decided to go, and each of them bought a ticket.
On the day of the flight, they found that a group of students from the University of Krakow had also bought tickets for the same trip. The pilot decided to seat them on opposite sides of the plane.
Off they went, flying here and there above the city, enjoying the remarkable views. Finally, the pilot announced the highlight of the trip: a flight around the Eiffel Tower.
As they neared the Eiffel Tower, the students from Krakow saw that the pilot would make a counter-clockwise flight around it. Since they were on the left side of the plane, all of them rushed over to the right side, where the UGA students were sitting, so they could get a better view.
But just at the moment they did so, the plane began to vibrate wildly, entered a spectacular cartwheel stall, and crashed!
And the moral of this story is: It doesn't matter how many zeros you have on the right side of the plane - if any Poles are there, it will always become unstable.
A. Twenty cents.
Thanks, I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress.
"Would it kill you to put down the toilet seat?" -- Maya Angelou
The correct answer is "The Rooster." :)
You do actually have a quantum car.
Ollie Had A Heap Of Apples =
Opposite/Hypotenuse
Adjacent/Hypotenuse
Opposite/Adjacent
That's one thing I remember from geometry 20 odd years ago....
"Would it kill you to put down the toilet seat?" -- Maya Angelou
Heisenberg might have been here.
This comment does not exist.
Unfortunately, this little gem has been expurgated from the current edition.
First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning?
Second person: No.
First person: Good!
--
"You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?"
"Absolutely! What's the second question?"
--
"It was so cold last week that I saw several lawyers with their hands in their own pockets."
--
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.
--
What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
Retired.
--
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
--
What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
--
Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?
People were confused about which side to spit on.
--
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.
--
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
--
How do you know if a lawyer is well hung?
You can't get your finger between the rope and his neck.
"182,000 miles per hour, its not
just a good idea, its the law"
The Doormat
If you're not outraged, then you're not paying attention.
What did the mathematician get for his birthday? Pi.
Q:What sound does a dying centimeter make? A: Erg!
AYBABTU
Amazingly, that appears to be the only copy on the WWW. I'm surprised it doesn't show up in Google Groups.
-- Bill
That's a gneiss joke.
Chomsky's 75th birthday or something?
Heisenberg may have been here.
I think I've had one person that got it.
You quitting proves that the karma kap worked. The most annoying of the whores shut up. --CmdrTaco
an engineer, physicist and mathematician are staying in a hotel. in the middle of the night, the engineer wakes up to find his bed on fire. he rushes to the bathroom, grabs a glass, fills it from the faucet and pours it on the fire. he goes back to sleep in a wet bed. the physicist also wakes up to find his bed on fire. he performs a quick calculation, runs to the bathroom, fills the glass only part way and pours the water on the fire. he goes back to sleep in a dry bed. the mathematician wakes up to find his bed on fire. he rushes to the bathroom, sees the glass, and sees the faucet then goes back to bed satisfied a solution exists.
Two physicists and an engineer were debating the height of a particular flagpole. The first physicist said "Let's measure the height of the shadow and compare to my shadow to determine the height." The second physicist said "Why don't we use a protractor and tape to measure the angle to the top of the pole from a known distance, then use simple trigonometry to determine the height?" During the debate, the engineer called in a crew, dug up the flagpole, laid it down on the ground, measured it, put it back in the ground and filled the hole. He returned to the physicists and stated "It's thirty-six feet tall". The first physicist looked at the second and said "Isn't that just like an engineer. You want to know how tall something is, and he gives you the length."
You can't have a battle of wits against an unarmed opponent.
I rather like the "so he refills empty bucket and goes back to sleep" version, myself.
Why did the $EUROPEAN_AIRLINE flight crash?
All the poles moved to the right half of the plane.
(no, i will not explain it.)
...put enough high-energy physics grad students in a room with enough duct tape, cable ties, and Unistrut, eventually one of them will build the Empire State Building.
Make me aerodynamic in the evening air
I love good jokes but can't remember any to save my life, but this one sticks with me for some reason. It's not industry specific except for maybe divorce attorney's, but wtf:
q. why does divorce cost so much?
a. because it's f'ing worth it
(you -have- to include the f'ing [the real word] when you say it - it's sooo much better)
Wish I could have heard that.
What made it really funny was that he wasted a quarter of his article trying to get back at the Interviewer and he shouldn't have mentioned it at all.
Needle Nardle Noo
A physicist, a chemist, and an engineer are asked:
Q: "What is the best way to determine the volume of a little red ball."
A: Physicist: Measure the diameter, devide by two for radius and use the formula 4/3 * PI * radius ^ 3
A: Chemist: Take a beaker, fill it with water. Dunk the ball in it, and measure the amount of water displaced.
A: Engineer: It's easy, just pull out the "Little Red Ball" book and look it up.
How to Shoot Yourself In the Foot
Developer's Insight, December 1991 (approx version)
C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++: You accidently create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying "That's me, over there."
FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling facility.
Modula-2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.
COBOL: USEing a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.
Lisp: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
Forth: Foot yourself in the shoot.
APL: You shoot yourself in the foot; then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.
Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
Snobol: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.
HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.
Prolog: You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.
370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.
My Dad used to teach philosophy classes at a university.
It blew me away when, in one of his books of philosphy (on the philosophy of logic, by some dude well over a hundred years ago -- sorry, don't remember specifics) laying on the table were several pages verbatim from an AI class I was taking at school.
I knew that philosophy was the mother of all sciences, but it struck me then how literally true that was, at least in this case.
At lot of sections that were "just" taught as CS principles actually turned out to hail from work on the philosophy of logic from way before anyone had dreamt up a computer.
Amazing.
I would argue, for instance, that The Scientific Method is grounded on philosophy and nothing else. Everything we call science stems from this.
It's all of us, deciding on "how to think". (Which, btw, is what my Dad to this day proclaims is his goal in studying philosophy, "learning to think".)
Finally, I'd imagine that studying certain sciences, like pure math, is nothing but philosphy with non-Latin characters.
I thought it was:
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny.
But I like yours, too.
What if life is just a side effect of some other process and God has no idea we exist?
My favorite "physics" joke came from Denis Miller as part of one of his rants.
"George Stephenopolus did more for spin than anyone since Enrico Fermi."
The Georiga Tech graduate finishes and walks right towards the door. On his way out he says "At Tech they teach us not to piss on our hands".
"And at the Air Force Academy, we didn't have to be taught not to pee on our hands."
(Originally heard with Army, Navy, Marine, and USAF graduates)
That reminds me of this:
"I wanted to be a doctor, but then I found out that
medicine is biology
biology is chemistry
chemistry is physics
physics is math
and I hate math!"
Nothing to see here; Move along.
My bro-in-law just took a class where the professor asked a question like that: "You're driving in the rain, and you see 3 people waiting at a bus stop looking cold and wet: your best friend, an old lady, and a beautiful woman. Unfortunately, you're driving a sporty 2-seater. What do you do?"
He said "Well, the answer you're looking for is 'loan the car to your best friend, tell him to drive the old lady home, and walk to the nearest coffee shop with the woman.' But in real life, women like assholes. So I'd pound my beer, throw the can at the old lady, tell my friend to hop in the car, and yell to the woman 'I'll be back for you after we get back from the bar!"
c-hack.com |
The Polish Prime Minister was the protagonist.
There's these 2 peanuts walking down the street. One of them is assaulted.
A cattle rancher owns an enormous number of cattle and is having a hard time building a fence big enough to keep them all penned in. After trying out engineer after engineer to design a fence that will enclose all his cattle, he finds that nobody can build one large enough. He is finally approached by a topologist who claims to be able to build the fence the rancher needs. The rancher is skeptical but lets him go to work. The topologist promptly builds a small circular fence around himself. The rancher says, "How is that little bitty pen supposed to hold all my cattle?" The topologist replies, "Simple -- I just declare myself to be on the outside."
A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.
In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"There's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did." He was confused.
"Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"
Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said.
After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean??" he replied, "? I can check slashdot.com from here?"
He's the one changing out the tires, to see which one's flat... :)
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to actually screw in the lightbulb, and one to suck my fucking cock!
Or maybe, how about doing this task in COW?
As we all (?) know, power is equal to work over time.
It is also known that time is money, and that knowledge is power.
With some basic substitution, we get knowledge = work/money.
Rearranging, we get:
time = work/knowledge.
Therefore, the less you know, the more money you will make, regardless of how much work you get done.
but maybe someone will see this and get a laugh...
My physics teacher in high school told of the graffiti in the bathroom in the physics building at his alma mater. While the other bathrooms around the campus had the usual bathroom scrawlings, the physics bathrooms were clean, except for a single limeric:
The once was a lady named Bright,
Who could travel faster than light.
She went out one day,
In her usual way,
And returned the previous night!
"Save the whales, feed the hungry, free the mallocs" -- author unknown
The mighty names of science now with reverence we forth tell:
Democritus and Kepler, Aristotle, Becquerel,
Copernicus and Fleming, Kelvin, Lenz and Faraday,
And Rutherford, and Roentgen who discovered the X-ray.
'Twas Newton who revealed order and determinism,
And make a pretty pattern with a light beam and a prism:
A man of principle indeed, and learned too in classics:
With his Principia he founded classical mechanics,
This sure illumination though was soon to be destroyed,
And nothing really was, not even "atoms and the void".
For Einstein changed the very meaning both of space and time,
With shrunken rulers, bended light and circular straight lines.
He also helped to bring to light the strange world of the quanta,
And abolished Newton's certainty, although he didn't wanta.
With a cat, a pot of poison and a source of radiation,
You could prove the paradox if you'd enough imagination.
After Fermi, Bohr and Schroedinger, statistics proved the best -
Could the Word of St John's Gospel be Alea Jacta Est?
But for physicists at A-level some certainty is left:
Of one fundamental principle at least we're not bereft.
There is one truth incorruptible of which we can be sure:
It's the absolute, immutable, eternal Murphy's Law.
You'll achieve superconductance at around 300K
With a twelve megohm resistor that worked fine the other day.
You'll get alternating current from a standard Weston cell
While a sinusoidal signal gives you DC very well.
Light rays will not interfere: ergo Newton got it right,
And it's plain old-fashioned corpuscles that give our eyes their sight.
Furthermore, momentum vanishes, and energy appears,
Thus disporving basic principles we've understood for years.
With some wax and a thermometer you'll come across cold fusion -
Either that or Newton's cooling law is nothing but delusion.
Wheatstone bridges will not balance, and there's surely something wrong
When you calculate you'd need a wire thirty miles long.
Kirchoff's laws bear no relation to the currents at a node,
Nor is EMF the total voltage drop across a load.
You will grow to hate the pendulum, simple, conical and torsional,
And beware of trying to demonstrate that two things are proportional:
Straight-line graphs become elipses of alarming eccentricity,
And you cannot really argue that it's due to relativity.
Nor in practical exams, when you've become a nervous wreck,
Can your error be attributed to quantum effects.
No: the best thing you can do is simple fiddle your results -
I find logarithmic graph paper conceals a lot of faults.
But it's not just lab exeriments to which the law applies:
It affects you theory just as much: your tans and es and pis
Murphy's Law of Integration states that in your mental fog
You'll get muddled up completely and write sinh instead of log.
Just remember that all variables are constants and vice versa,
And that as your maths gets better your arithmetic gets worser.
So feed all your number crunching to your trusty calculator:
You may still get it wrong but thus your chances will be greater.
It's enough to drive you mad, and yet you've got to persevere -
A proficiency in doublethink will keep your judgement clear.
A particle-electron and a wave are both the same:
There is no paradox except our clumsy human names.
And both physics as a subject and physics taught at school
Are full of fascination, though they make you feel a fool.
For at last all understanding fails, and but one fact remains:
That the ways of God, and of his universe are very strange.
Jenny Coombs
Along the same math vein... Women are evil:
women = time * money (time and money)
Since time = money
It follows that women = money * money
Since money is the root of all evil, women = sqrt(evil)^2
Therefore, women = evil
There are only 10 kinds of people in this world... those who understand binary and those who don't
10. They are used to all nighters
9. They are always willing to experiment
8. They know how to increase and decrease friction
7. They know all about heat transfer
6. They do it with more torque
5. Engineering couples have better moments
4. They know how to deal with stress and strain
3. They know how to test their rigid cantilevers
2. "Lubrication, friction, and wear" is a class
1. They design and build large erections
A physics professor, is riding his bicycle around a desolate San Jose strip mall, sad and lonely because his girl left him to live on a beach in Hawai.
He kicks an odd shaped, klein bottle lying under a bag of chips and rotten apples.
A flash and a bang and next thing you know a hacker genie-us is standing there, glaring at him with distaste. "Ok so your name tag says your a low-life newbie Physics guy. Sorry but your licenced version of reality only allows one level 3 rapid response wish. All other wishes I must transfer to local help desk support."
"My girl left me cos she thinks I don't have a job, please build me an application that can design a bridge, so I can ride over on my bike and see her!
"Are you nuts, thats a ridiculous waste of expensive computer design time, besides its too simple an engineering problem to be worthwhile, just use an existing bridge design and scale up the stress and load factors to account for the depth of water, and other negligible physical effects. Pick a serious problem!"
Ok, ha ha, just kidding!, here's my cellphone, please call my girlfreind and explain to her what a Physics Professor does for a living, so she comes back to me.
"Hmmm, I see your problem, ok, how many bike lanes did you want on that bridge?"
There is no god; get over it already! Never exchange a walk on part in the war, for a lead role in a cage.
Heisenberg was driving down the Autobahn whereupon he was pulled over by a policeman. The policeman asked, "Do you know how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."
Taken from here.
I find naming data structures to be a harmless and hilarious way to brighten up my code.
examples: bbQueue, tTree.
Also, try shortening two words into one. Not only will this make your code less readable; it will make it far funnier to you and your friends.
example: SupervisorPerminant -> SPerm
"Peace, Love and Apathy"
How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. But it takes them all night. And when they're done, the washing machine doesn't work right.
Mr. Kepler: Wow, it can't get much worse than that. Earth: Wanna bet? I always have to do it in the same amount of time too!!
-=[You cannot consistently judge this statement to be true.]=-
The third statistician shouts "WE GOT HIM!"
Except the Green Line isn't a subway- it's a surface line...and there's no such thing as a subway conductor.
Furthermore, MBTA employees cannot be understood by anyone, have a circumference at least their height, and have no sense of humor. The man was clearly an impostor.
Please help metamoderate.
..a spherical beowulf cluster, in simple harmonic motion...
To get to the same side.
Thinking Unconventionally
There are more engineering and science jokes on my humor section fwiw...
Wilk4: Humor, enjoy.
How many furlongs per fortnight is that?
At my highschool, the joke is that physics is to math as sex is to masturbation because with masturbation, you can do it youself without help from others. I guess there is also the pleasure factor as well
Knowlege is power, Power corrupts, Study hard, be evil.
Physics has been funny for a while now, just nobody notices the way "cartoon physics" isn't an oxymoron.
Take your typical Road Runner cartoon, for example. It looks pretty fantastic until you consider treating the Road Runner and the coyote as subatomic particles. The coyote never falls until he looks down and resolves that there is no ground underneath him. And the catapult always collapses/breaks/misfires onto him because the coyote is resolving the way the catapult will break by pulling the rope. He paints pictures of tunnels onto rock faces and then watches the road runner quantum tunnel through the rock. And the road runner in motion is a featureless, indistinct dust cloud along the road until the observer resolves the road runner as a particle (either by the road runner stopping or through stop-motion photography).
And you know the bit where Elmer Fudd sticks his shotgun into a hole in a tree only to feel a barrel come up out of a hole in the ground into his rear? And he ties a bow on the end to "prove" the gun coming out of the ground really isn't his. Now, consider his gun is an electron...
Top Ten RPI Pickup Lines
10. Can you flash my BIOS?
9. 010100001000101011100
8. Would you like to see the special functions on my calculator?
7. I can integrate in my sleep. No, really.
6. Anywhere else, you're a 3. Here, you're an 8.
5. How are your transistors doing?
4. Do you play Counter-Strike?
3. Um... er... uh... that is... nevermind!
2. Hey baby, let's make some flux.
1. Can I take your second derivative so I can see your curvature?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting coefficient of friction.
Interrupting coefficient of fric--
mu!
Admittedly, I've seen this on /. on the little quote thingy at the bottom... but I heard this (and was saying it) way before then.
2 + 2 = 5 (for extremely large values of 2)
Which links into my all-time favorite thing to do when I wanted to screw with my programming teacher's head. Which was to change the value of any number to equal to anything else... Just because I know it messed with his head.
And my second ATF thing to do was to encrypt my program, and have it run checks on what processor it was running on... If it was on a Intel system, it would report:
Warning! Calculations based on floating-point and integer math may be incorrect! Please upgrade to a AMD system to resolve this issue.
Which would also screw with him, because he was a die-hard Intel man, and I've never owned anything other than my beloved AMD.
Which brings me back to my third ATF joke, which is:
Q: How many Intel Engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Its never happened before: They just keep changing the socket.
resistance is futile, you WILL superconduct
Thats CLOSE ENOUGH
I am unique, just like you, and you, and you...
awww come on, doesn't anybody get it?
it's computer science...
If it works on Mondays and Wednesdays, but not on Tuesdays and Thursdays, it's computer science...
If it blue-screens...it's Windows.
are all driving in a car to a conference when the car brakes fail. They plummet down the hill, and crash into the trees. First, the manager speaks. He says, "We need to make a comittee, figure out what went wrong, decide on a course of action." "No, no," says the engineer, "we need to open up the hood, check the engine, oil, etc." To which the computer programmer responds, "Why don't we just push it up the hill and try again?"
The dream reveals the reality which conception lags behind. That is the horror of life- the terror of art. -Franz Kafka
x and e^x are walking down the street. They encounter d/dx, who operates on them. x disappears. e^x survives, thanking the math gods that he is immune to differential operators. While walking on, he encounters another operator coming toward him. "Who are you?" he asks. "I'm d/dy," the operator answers.
Well, I like it.
And the MSCE says: "Why don't we just close all the windows, get out, get back in, and open all the windows and see if it works?"
Q: What did the blind dyslexic mathematician say?
:-)
A: I secant.
I made that up in 6th grade while not paying attention in geometry class. Kinda corny, but the teacher liked it.
*my first post after years of lurking*
How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
False.
Unix: Where
Actually L and R are not. This was a joke about them told by Chomskian linguists. While linguists tend to be on the left like most academics, Chomsky is on his own. He has a small core of political followers among linguists, but his radical politics is far from dominant among his academic followers. (At least this was the case 20 years ago when I knew what was going on in the field).
But now that we've started, I have to tell some linguistics jokes. The second meanest one I know is
Q: Why are so many gays and lesbians advocates of Lexical Functional Grammer
The meanest joke I know, I won't tell. But here's a variant of an old joke which either I or my girlfriend at the time added to. (We have different memories of it). First of all, it is much easier to tell this joke if we assume that 1 is defined to be a prime number. I know it isn't, you know it isn't, but the joke works better this way: Then there are some basic ones.A: Because they insist on the strict separation of structure and function.
Q: What do neogrammerians eat for breakfest?
A: Omlauts.
Alternative A: Bran, to ensure regularity.
Q: How does Chomsky change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't. He just persuades you that you can see in the dark.
Prime numbers are exactly what Alan Greenspan says they are -S. Minsky
Ms.M: So y = r^3/3. And if you determine the rate of change in this curve correctly, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Class: [chuckles]
Ms.M: Don't you get it, Bart? Derivative dy = 3 r^2 / 3, or r^2 dr, or r dr r. Har-de-har-har, get it?
Bart: [not amused] Oh, yeah. [forced laugh]
That's great... reminds me of the physics insult:
The divergance of the Russian navy evaluated at your mother = - Infinity
This is always attributed to the famously cranky astronomer Fritz Zwicky. He called someone a spherical bastard, because no matter how you look at him he's still a bastard.
I didn't realize how mainstream computers and technology had become until lunch one day back in 1997 or 98. My buddies and I stopped off at a local cafe and taken a booth. Sitting behind me was a mother and her pre-school child and I half listened to their conversation as I started into my burger & fries.
She was asking her son if he could remember his ABC's. He said "YES!", quite confidently, and started right in: "ABCDEFG..." followed by a pause, where the mother helped by hinting the letter 'H' "HIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWWW dot XYZ"
That was the first time in my life that I expelled cherry coke through my nose...
Good security is based upon reality and common sense. Common sense is a function of having common knowledge.
Why don't women like dating mathematicians?
They believe there is a limit of x to c (ecstasy)
Punctanym: alternate spelling of words using punctuation or numerals in place of some or all of its letters; see 'leet'
Warning! Do not look into laser with remaining eye!
Come on, give us the meanest joke already!
The gay one was pretty damn good.
Random number generation is too important to be left to chance.
MAK
1. End World Hunger 2. Promote World Peace 3. Make Enough Money to Buy & Sell Each One of You
How many Economists does it take to change a light bulb?
Exactly how much are you willing to pay to have the light bulb changed?
How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
How many Economic Theorists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the bulb and another to hold all other conditions constant.
How many Free-market Economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they sit in the dark and wait for the invisible hand.
How many Neo-classical Economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Obviously, if people wanted a bright room, someone would have changed the light bulb already.
Depends how metaphysically you mean that. I say not. There is one universe, but an effectivelty infinite number of ways to observe it. Are two different observations of the same universes tantamount to having different universes? I dunno. This ties in directly to the old Eastern proverb of "If a tree falls in a forest...".
What constitutes an "observer"?
I'll change the question somewhat. An observer is you. You (presumably) don't perturb the system. But any *observation* regarding the system that gives you information by definition must have interacted with the system, and vice versa. This gives the possibility that the system changed in significant ways during the time you made the measurements. Thus, it's observations, not observers, that matters. A subtle distinction.
Classic example is if I'm determining the position of an electron. How would I do that? Presumably with a series of photons, which I would aim at the general area where the electron might be. When one bounced back, I could calculate where the electron was. But there's a problem - depending on the wavelength of light I use, the measurement is imprecise, and there is a standard error of half a wavelength. So, with visible light, I can only get to within, say, a few hundred nanometers. Not good.
What do I do to fix the problem? Go with light of a shorter wavelength. Say x-rays. Now, we're down to the Angstrom level. Lots more accurate.
Now Heisenberg comes in to play. So let's say I've determined the position of the electron with near infinite accuracy using a short wavelength and thus extremely high energy photon. Since I determined the position of the electron by bouncing this electron off of it, what happened to the electron? Well, I sure blasted the hell out of it with those x-rays. So I effectively know nothing about its momentum.
So, to more accurately measure position, I have to do something to the system which ultimately makes measuring momentum impossible. There are a number of variable pairs like this - Energy and time, for instance. Basically, variable pairs like this have units that multiply into Energy*time. (momentum is distance, momentum is Energy*time/distance).
Going back to the cat, it's effectively a system that exists in one of two valid states, which can be easily perturbed. Doing anything to the system that tells you its state can also change its state. But Schrodinger wasn't talking about HUP, really, although the two concepts are inexorably linked. If he were, he would have said something like, if you determine 100% whether it's dead, you can no longer know whether it's a Tabby or a Persian any longer. What he was actually elucidating is the following: a state that is a superposition (ie, weighted average essentially) of all valid states is, in quantum, also a valid state, and is the only thing that can be assumed in an unperturbed system. Hence, "alive and dead" is a valid state, because "alive" and "dead" are. See more Here regarding superposition.
Actually, that last statement is a tad off but I'm not writing a textbook. If anyone wants to call me on it, please do so I can put more people with physics abilities on my friends list. ;)
-Looking for a job as a materials chemist or multivariat
Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip? To get to the same side! Hmm, can I get away with this one? It's kinda about force, and biology. What do you get when you breed an elephant and a poodle? A dead poodle.
warning: This post is likely to contain gobs of dripping sarcasm. Consume at your own risk.
Umm... so where's the punch line? or is the fact that he got the slashdot URL incorrect the punchline?
Q: Why couldn't the fisherman stop spinning? A: Angler momentum [An original!] Q: What's grey and proves the nondenumerability of the Reals? A: Cantor's Diagonal Elephant Q: What's yellow and depends on the Axiom of Choice? A: Zorn's Lemmon Q: What's yellow and is expressible as a power series? A: A bananalytic function Q: What does a mathematician do when he's constipated? A: He work's it out with a pencil. THANK YOU! I'll be here all week...
Back in the day, before SMT, when things were simple and axial-leaded, young EE's were tasked with remembering trivialities such as colored codes on the outside of resistors. And yet, ten simple colors are beyond the grasp of the overladen engineering mind. So was born the off-color memory device.
Bad Boys Rape Our Young Girls, But Violet Gives Willingly.
0 = black
1 = brown
2 = red
3 = orange
4 = yellow
5 = green
6 = blue
7 = violet
8 = grey
9 = white
Now this was a bit non-PC, so other versions surfaced, such as "Bad Beer Rots Our Young Guts, But Vodka Goes Well", but as everyone knows, politically-correct = not funny.
Yeah, I know, there's tolerance bands, too, but don't get me started about tolerance...
Hydroxyl to carbonyl: let's not be so formyl.
are hunting a deer. The engineer takes the first shot and misses the deer by one meter to the left. The physicist takes another shot and misses the deer by one meter to the right. The statistician says, "Got 'em!"
A mathematician look a thermometer:
"ahh, 0 degrees (celsius) it is neither hot nor cold "
Q: How can you tell an extroverted mathematician?
A: He stares at YOUR shoes while talking to you.
A little boy at Neverland...No, I want Michael to take me...
The barman covers his eyes, trying not to look. As he sneaks a glimpse through his fingers, he sees something wierd - he can't make out what they're doing. He looks again, but is still confused. He turns to the drunk propping up the bar next to him, and asks, "What's going on? He seems to be screwing her over the table AND getting a blowjob at the same time. That doesn't make any sense. Looks brilliant though, doesn't it?"
"Yeh," sighs the drunk whistfully, "It's a super position."
An anthropologist and a physicist were travelling in some of the remote areas of the Brazillian rain forest. One day they came upon a tribe hitherto unknown to Western observers. This tribe had an agrarian economy that provided for all their needs. Not only was the area fertile and supportive of a wide variety of plants, but there were a great number of pollinators for their varied crops. As it happened, the pair had stumbled on this tribe during one of their most holy days - the day they celebrate the wonders of their unique botanical area and the insects that support it. The anthropologist of course observed all of the preparations and carefully noted down all of the rituals, including the covering of the young women of village with a locally produced blue pigment. There were dancing, song, and much merriment - much to the delight of the anthropologist and the physicist. At dawn the next day, the two followed the villagers as they led the tribe to their most holy area: the nesting area of their insect pollinators. As the anthropologist recorded all the details, the blue-painted young women broke from the group and performed a number of intricate ritual dances. As the dancing became more complex, the anthropologist became overwhelmed with the level detail he observed. In evident confusion, he turned to his friend, the physicist, for help in understanding what they were seeing. The physicist merely replied, "Oh it's really very simple. You're just watching a manifestation of the dye virgins of the bee field."
Physics humour was very popular in Soviet Union, since the physicists were considered the purebreds of science at some point. There was a well-known book called "Physicists joking" published in USSR in 1966. The online text can be found here (in Russian, but you might ask any of your Russian friends/colleagues for help)
Z IKI/
http://n-t.ru/ri/fz/
http://lib.ru/ANEKDOTY/FI
It consists of translations from Western sources to a large extent, though.
Future Wiki -- If you don't think about the future, you cannot have one.
Nope, the original post was "correct".
The SI unit of work is the Joule. One Joule equals one Newton Meter (force times distance).
The SI unit of power is the Watt. One Watt equals one Joule per second (work divided by time).
Not sorry at all...
A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician were all spending the night at the same hotel.
The physicist goes to sleep, and is later awakened by the smell of smoke. An object in the room is on fire. The physicist pulls out an infrared detector, aims it at the fire, observes the amount of energy coming off the fire, works out how much water it will take to put the fire out, does so, and goes back to bed.
The engineer goes to sleep, and is later awakened by the smell of smoke. An object in the room is on fire. The engineer builds a scale model of the object, ignites it, notes how much water it takes to put it out, scales up to determine how much water it will take to put out the original fire, does so, and goes back to bed.
The mathematician goes to sleep, and is later awakened by the smell of smoke. An object in the room is on fire. The mathematician sits down with pencil and paper, works for a few minutes, exclaims "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to bed.
(told to me by Bruce Hill in 1982)
The clearance system sounds logical. It is not. It is completely arbitrary. -- John Bolton
A string walks in to a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender takes one look at the string and eighty-sixes him with these words: "Get out of here! We don't serve strings in this bar."
The string slouches out of the bar, scuffing his way down the sidewalk, until he gets a bright idea to disguise himself. He twists himself up and messes up his hair, then walks back in to the bar.
After taking his order, the bartender turns back to the string and says, "Wait a minute. Aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
(That was the punch-line.)
A graduate student in math is taking his preliminary exams. They are oral, and the student is very nervous.
The first examiner begins, "We'll start with something easy. Give an example of a compact space."
The student's mind is completely blank. He stammers for a few seconds and then blurts out "Um... the real numbers!"
Dead silence follows. After some time passes, one of the examiners says, "In what topology?"
So a hardware engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer are driving along when the car starts having problems. The get to the side of the road just as it dies. Having called a tow truck, the ME says "why don't I check the drivetrain, just in case it's a simple mechanical problem?" "Good idea," says the EE. "I'll see if I can find anything wrong with the ignition system." "Guys," says the software engineer, "why don't we just close all the windows, get out of the car, then get back in?"
A computer scientist is found dead in the shower, apparently due to blood loss throgh the scalp, which was severly abraded. The only clue was a bottle of shampoo which read "Lather, Rinse, Repeat."
An engineer is walking through a park on his way to work when he hears a voice. He looks down an sees a frog on the sidewalk. "Kiss me" says the frog. The engineer thinks for a moment, then picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. Once he gets to work, he takes the frog out and sets it on his disk. Again, the frog says "Kiss me!" The engineer chuckles, then puts the frog in a drawer and starts working. At lunch time, he opens the drawer and looks inside. "Hey," says the frog, "don't you know that talking frogs turn into beatufil women when kissed?" "Yeah," says the engineer, "but I'm an engineer, so I don't really do well with women. But a talking frog? Now _that's_ cool."
A company sends 3 engineers and 3 marketing guys to a conference. At the train station, the marketing guys each but a ticket, and then the engineers split the cost of one ticket between them. The marketing guys are curious, but the engineers just say "you'll see." When the train arrives, they take seats and resume discussing company business, until the conductor comes into the car. At that point, the engineers excuse themselves, and stealthily pile into a restroom at the far end of the car. Eventually, the conductor makes his way down, knocks on the door, and says "Ticket, please." The door opens ajar and a hand reaches out with a ticket.
On the return trip, the marketing guys take a hint and buy one ticket beween the three of them. This time, though, the engineers don't buy any tickets. Again, the marketing guys are curious, but the engineers just say "you'll see."
This time, when the conductor enters the car, the marketing guys pile into a bathroom at the far end. A few minutes later, the engineers do the same, one of the stopping to knock on the first bathroom and say "Ticket, please."
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says it's half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
How many prolog prolog programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
No.
What do you get if you cross a mountain climber and a billy goat?
You can't cross scalars.
It's the old Tech (MIT) Fight Song:
e^u du dx
e^x dx
cos sec tan sin
3.14159
integral radical
mu dv
Technology! Technology!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
"I'm an old-fashioned type of guy. I worship the Sun and Moon as gods. And fear them."
Hmm. So, the red/green symbol is undefined, eh? Well, let's just follow the pointer from the 'red/green' symbol.
segmentation fault (core dumped)
%$DGS^& NO CARRIER
Thanks a lot, you insensitive clod!
--grendel drago
Laws do not persuade just because they threaten. --Seneca
Why is that funny?
The real number line isn't compact in the standard topology (the one with open intervals as its basis elements); any finite set in a discrete topology is compact; in the real number line, any closed and bounded set is compact...
--grendel drago
Laws do not persuade just because they threaten. --Seneca
What about Java? I recall someone doing a foot shooting joke about that earlier.....
A mathematician is walking down the road and discovers a house on fire, a fire hose and a hydrant.
He connects the hydrant to the hose, turns on the water and puts out the fire.
Further along he finds a house and a fire hose connected to a hydrant.
So, he sets the house on fire and disconnects the hose reducing it to a problem already solved.
09F91102 no, 455FE104 nope, F190A1E8 uh-uh, 7A5F8A09 that's not it, C87294CE no. Ah! 452F6E403CDF10714E41DFAA257D313F.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y) BREAKFAST.SYS halted. Cereal port not responding. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) Error reading FAT record. Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) Windows Error 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS) User error: replace user. Windows VirusScan 1.0: Windows found. Remove it? (Y/N) Microsoft broke Volkswagen's world record: Volkswagen only made 22 million bugs! Have you reinstalled your Windows today? Windows XP: the most popular virus on the market today. Windows: the colorful clown suit for DOS.
"Yes, the new Pentium V's heat will rise exponentially with the number of cycles. So we've added a special BIOS to control the usage of excess CPU cycles, and allow the user to decide whether to run their CPUs full out. If this protection system fails and the chips are allowed to go full out to 7GHz, we've included a FREE fire extinguisher with each CPU we sell.
We are working with motherboard manufacturers to install default halon fire control systems and possibly even liquid nitrogen-based fire prevention. Intel is certainly on the bleeding edge of processor technology."
An inside source at Intel
Na, I've taken a lot of math. Its more a story of I know nothing about philosophy. Thanks for the info Quino.
Q: What do you get when you take the dot product of a giraffe and a mountain climber?
A: Nothing; you can't take the dot product of a scalar.
I heard this as "things I wish i knew before I went to college"
Biology is chemistry
chemistry is physics
physcis is math
and math is philosophy.
ej