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Enter The 'Stupid Patent Tricks' Contest
As you know, Amazon has successfully patented "One Click Shopping," Barnes & Noble is angry about the patent, and Apple has bought into the idea. Such tomfoolery! This concept is no more deserving of a patent than something as basic as, say, the hyperlink.
So I decided to go Amazon one better and invent Zero Click Shopping:
"A method of using javascript or similar technology to produce a series of Web page-displayed images that, when "rolled over" by a customer's mouse in a predetermined order, either causes a purchase to be consummated or causes a series of preselected items to be placed in a single customer-accessible data file so that the customer can purchase all selected items at the same time instead of having to perform a series of separate transactions."
Remember, you saw it here first!
If anyone tries to patent this silly, rather obvious concept from this day forward, you can point them to this article to show that is was instantly obvious to anyone familiar with the "state of the art," which means that this idea should not be patentable.
But nowadays, the head of the USPTO seems to believe that every boneheaded concept deserves patent protection, and that if you don't like a patent, you are supposed to hire a lawyer and take it to court. Gaaah!
So let's take the idea and lampoon it -- minus the legal fees, of course.
Write a patent summary. It can be for anything, as long as it sounds credible and is written in patent-talk or a reasonable parody thereof. Post it here. We'll let the Slashdot moderators decide which ideas have merit (or at least humor value) and which don't.
The Slashdot Authors, acting in all of their usual chaotic glory, will decide which of the highest-moderated pseudo-patents wins the grand prize.
Three Honorable Mention winners will each receive a Slashdot t-shirt from ThinkGeek.
You must be a registered Slashdot user to win. Entries will be accepted until 11:59 p.m. (2359) GMT on Friday, October 13. Winners will be announced on Tuesday, October 16. Judges' decisions are final. (If you don't like them, hold your own contest, okay?) The purpose of this whole thing is to laugh, not to get rule-bound, so post away, have a good time, and may the dumbest... er... best ... idea win!
I am going to patent a method of 'self-gratification' by which a human male rubs his hand quickly, in an up and down motion, along the male sexual organ. All while looking at p0rn on the internet. If I could enforce this, I would be so rich!!
I'd like to patent the deterministic solution of NP-hard problems in polynomial time.
The best part is... we know there ain't no prior art! (as long as the NSA keeps quiet... *grin*)
By using the Visual Error Corrector (VEC) on the screen - it senses its position in relation to the desktop - and allows you to remove the offending text or graphic.
By moving the device from side to side on the screen a wide area can be neitralised and readied for more input.
By mimicking a regular erasor, the desktop metaphore or modern computer gui's can be used to enable the VEC to work in a natural and intuitive manner.
One could provide feedback to the VEC based on the contrasts on screen, so that one can feel that things have been erased by a vibration. When an area is empty - moving over it will feel smooth.
Edges that cannot be erased will always give feedback, and thus form sensory feedback delimiter to the end of windows and input areas. it's only natural for the erasor to exist to complement the existance of graphic tablets and styli
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[Science] is one of the very few things that raises human life a little above farce and gives it the grace of tragedy.
I remember reading the *same* story about 10 years ago (I could be off by a year or two). Then again, sci-fi writers predicted the atom bomb, man-made satellites & space travel, so stupid patents wouldn't be too much of a stretch for them :).
A method of creating a software application that is arbitrarily extensible by end-users. The application consists of a small "core" consisting mainly of an interpreted language processor and a small set of basic data-manipulation functions. The rest of the application is written in the interpreted language. The application contains a complete development environment for the interpreted language, so that users can develop and test new extensions while the application is running.
Other claims could include:
- The ability to save these "extensions" on a hard drive for later use.
- The ability of the application to "compile" these extensions into byte code for faster loading and execution.
- The ability for users to download extensions written by others
- The ability for the program to automatically include a large number of extensions as part of the install process.
- The ability for the program to automatically download extensions from a standard library on the web.
Of course, the cool thing about this patent is that just about every application in Microsoft Office uses these techniques as well."politeness doesn't scale." -- Talin
An interface to allow a computer user to change the size of a rectangular area (window) on the computer display by providing for one or more specially marked regions along the edge of the rectangular area, typically a ``border'' that is a fixed number of pixels thick and surrounds the rectangular region but does not overlap it, detecting when the area is ``rolled over'' by a computer's mouse and one of the mouse buttons is subsequently pressed while the mouse pointer is in one of the specially marked regions, detecting when the computer's mouse is being subsequently moved as the mouse button is continuously held down (dragging) and continuously drawing rectangular borders on the screen to reflect the desired size of the window, detecting when the computer's mouse button is released, and re-drawing the contents of the rectangular region and window decorations once the desired window size is achieved. As the computer user moves the mouse as he is continuously holding down the mouse button, the computer dynamically changes, in the same direction and same number of pixels as each movement of the mouse, the position of the edge or edges closest to the specially marked region where the mouse pointer is initially located when the user initially holds down the button change the window's position; the other edges of the rectangular border stay fixed in their respective locations. If the user drags the computer's mouse on a specially marked region located near a corner of the rectangular area, typically at most a fixed number of pixels away from the corner, the computer changes the positions of both edges of the rectangular border that intersect said corner; if the user drags the computer's mouse on a specially marked region located somewhere else along the edge of the rectangular area, typically at least a fixed number of pixels away from the corner of the window, the computer only changes the position of that edge.
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This web site will cure all your ailments.
I'm going to patent both trolls and first post, thereby charging all "First Posters" and trolls for their incessant cluttering of open forums such as slashdot, newsgroups and the world in general. Also to be patented at a later date will be "Natelie Portman's petrified clitoris," +5v, -5v, +12v, -12v, +3.3v and other voltages as deemed fit by my spleen.
Clinton made me a Republican. Bush made me a Libertarian. Trump is making me question reality.
- Starting the coding phase of any project without a completed requirements phase.
- Building a prototype that actually has code in it.
- Adding additional developers to an already late project.
:) This one is especially effective if you hire contractors off the street who have no idea what you are building or what the company does.
I could retire tomorrow if these were granted.If you don't know where you are going, how can you know how to get there?
Every prototype I've ever seen that actually seems to work, gets rolled into production. Always prematurely.
Oh yea, that's always the answer.
Cal
If you wanted me to agree with you, you shouldn't have given me Mod points.
This would consist of any programming language code (henceforth referred to as "code") supported by any computational unit (henceforth referred to as a "computer") that allows a block of code to be executed n number of times and continues to loop until some sort of condition causes the loop to end.
Stating on Slashdot that I like cheese since 1997.
Maybe this contest could be redone with everyone dating and signing their entries. Then the winner applies for the patent with the support of the community. I'll bet you can patent something if the earliest example of prior art is proveably your work. Lawers anyone? I'd contribute for this.
That's what any junk mailer does and especially Digital Convergence does with a Cue:Cat(TM). They send it to you without your having to do any clicks. Then you just point it at the bar code and Whoop! there it is! No click shopping.
Good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgement.
Good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgement.
- W. Wriston, former Citibank CEO
I was working at a place doing some interactive cable stuff when one of the execs came up with what I believe amounts to prior art, or at least takes it to the next level:
"Do nothing to buy now."
The revolution will NOT be televised.
A protection process for a technology, product, service, device, component or part thereof, that comprises the steps of:
a) circumventing a technological measure that effectively controls access to a protected work,
b) limiting the commercially significant purpose or use other than to circumvent a technological measure that effectively controls access to a protected work,
c) marketing the technological measure for use in circumventing a technological measure that effectively controls access to a protected work
-- Esa Pulkkinen
A method of communication with a host or server using textual based commands issued through a device known as a command prompt or from here within a "shell". They will commonly be signified with the symbols of a hash (#) or a dollar sign ($). Through all of this, an efficency far greater than a Graphical User Interface (GUI) shall be achieved.
A method by which a government agency may blatantly violate constitutional rights by requiring an Interet Service Provider (ISP) to install a piece of unmarked hardware on their networks with the premise of recording the e-mail traffic of law breaking citizens, thereby allowing said government agency to record and analyze all manner of network traffic from law abiding citizens, corporations, etc. Enabling the government agency to violate rights granted by the constitution and allow said government agency to profit from trade secrets collected in the process, notwithstanding the fact that this will never *ever* happen.
How do you like that??
CmdrChalupa, who finally changed his sig (drop -FlogSpammersNow- for my real address)
No click, zero click, ok, ok, I should read the whole story before posting. Sorry.
Regards, Ralph.
Problem: The .com name space is now empty.
Regards, Ralph.
A method and system for generating email addresses which would only be valid for a certain time period. A computer system (server) or similar technology generates an email address given an expiration date and time. This email address will automatically stop functioning ("begin bouncing") once that time has passed. The email addresses would be valid for any email program (client) or similar technology. They would vary in length and format so that the receivers of the email address ("spammers") would not be able to tell that is was a time limited email address. The system would also ensure that the receivers of the email address ("spammers") would not be able to infer, deduce or discover the real email adddress of the user.
-Jerry (jasegler@gerf.org)
A method for influencing the causation of realistic actions on behalf of a govermental patent authority, consisting of:
I have invented Minus One Click Shopping. In this scenario, the user buys things every day, UNLESS he goes to the vendor's web site, and clicks on all the products he does NOT want to buy on that given day. This is most useful in situations where someone would like to buy necessary items every day without going through the hassle of actually ordering them every day.
I have just been given a patent for the process by which neurons in the brain fire the electronic pulses which allow humans to have thought. My patent on Independent Thought(TM) will require any person who has ever thought of anything, or ever will think of anything, to pay me a royalty for each thought they've thunk. Also, in order to enforce my patent, each person will be required to wear an AntiThought Hat(TM) which will sound an alarm whenever someone has an unapproved/paid for thought. Said person will be allowed 3 Independent Thought Alarms(TM) before the hat explodes, killing the person, and transferring their assets to my bank account. I believe this patent will keep our children safe where Free Unlicensed Thought(TM) has failed. FUT created such atrocities as books, the internet, and rock music, each of which has been clinically proven by scienticians and right wing christian fascists to be harmful to children, pet rabbits, and panda bears.
-ryan
by reading the above, you agree to relinquish control over all future thoughts to me, and to sacrifice your first born at the altar of Intellectual Property
Independent Thought(TM) - Sign up today and get your first thought at 6.9% off!
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we stand in life at midnight, we are always on the threshold of a new dawn.
i guess i'm ready for a job in computer programming :) ... oh wait i already have one! :]
Extraordinary Vacations. Exceptional Prices
The Simulated Personal Automated Marketing system,
henceforth referred to as SPAM, consists of an
electronic message transmitted to any and all
potential clients. The client will then utilize the included contact information to provide payment.
SPAM maintains corporate security by using private messaging servers (comparable to caller-ID block) or utilizing open public systems. Corporate business plans are further protected by obfuscating data within the message with excessive hyperbole and energetic rhetoric.
SPAM is not dependent upon any particular messaging medium and can utilize existing or forthcoming electronic mediums and formats.
I've been on slashdot so long I'm starting to get out of touch with the cool stuff if it ain't on slashdot.
Device for Forcing Computer Upgrade(TM), and associated buisness model.
Device and technique for rendering computing hardware unuseable and therefore bug-free via the application of a large steel weight approximatly 15 lbs in mass against the primary circuits, hardrives and other vital components at a high rate of speed. Application results in the target computer system being instantly non-functional, thus requiring the user to seek the purchase of a new computer imediatly. The device, from now on reffered to as the 'sledge hammer' is fashioned from a handle wood fit for being gripped by a human hand, with a large metal weight attached at one end.
Also, A patent is being sought on the buisness model based upon the judicious use of this device, especially when thier computer is made by a competitor, and always within 24 months of purchase.
man is machine
this story is at least 5 years old...
7 16,9992+1+9870,00.html?kw=isaac%20asimov
Asimov has been dead for about 8 years, which would have put a dent in even his prodigous output (but not enough to stop the last Foundation book appearing posthumously)...
http://www.britannica.com/bcom/eb/article/2/0,5
"don't fall into the fallacy of believing that Perl can solve social problems. Maybe Perl 6 can, but that's a ways off"
One Click Patent(TM)
A method and system for submitting a patent to the USPTO via the Internet. The patent is submitted by the submitter at a client system and received by a server system. The server system receives the patent submission information including the identification of the submitter from the client system. The server system then assigns a client identifier to the client system and associates the assigned client identifier with the received submitter information. The server system sends to the client system the assigned client identifier and an HTML document identifying the patent submission and including the submit patent button. The client system receives and stores the assigned client identifier and receives and displays the HTML document. In repsonse to the selection of the submit patent button, the client system sends to the server system a request to submit the patent. The server system receives the request and combines the patent submitter information associated with the client identifier of the client system to submit the patent submission whereby the patent submitter effects the submitting of the patent by the selection of the submit patent button.
Inventor: theFerret (Aurora, CO)
Assignee: theFerret Consulting (Aurora, CO)
Filed: 10 October 2000
I would like to apply for the patented of the bitter alkaloid
C8H10N4O2
(here forth called caffeine pronounced: ka-'fEn).
This can be used as a medical stimulant and diuretic or placed into food to act as a sleep depressant.
I patented stupid patent tricks contests a *long* time ago. :)
I remember reading a gag on the 'Richest People You Never Hear About' in a Mad or Cracked magazine wayyyy back (early 80's?). One guy had copyrighted the © symbol, so anyone who used it had to pay him a fee.
One of the others in the cartoon had designed the $20 bill, and had put a provision in his contract that he would always be able to buy copies his art for 50% of the 'list' price.
Some of the patents we've seen lately fit in nicely with the gags I was reading close to 20 years ago.
From the storage system, intelligent agents use distributed technology to disseminate the Oxygen portion of the aggregate air collection to the network nodes of the biological entity. The Oxygen packet is processed by each network node (cell) and replaced with a Carbon Dioxide packet for redistribution via intelligent agents to the common global depository.
The implementation of these processes shall be known as Bio-Reactionary Expandable Air Transport Hub for the Internal Nonassemblage of Gasses (B.R.E.A.T.H.I.N.G).
Any unlicensed application of ToiletDuk Corp.'s proprietary B.R.E.A.T.H.I.N.G technology shall be interpreted as a violation of US Patent Law.
ToiletDuk (58% Slashdot Pure)
The cellular process that results in the number of chromosomes in gamete-producing cells being reduced to one half and that involves a reduction division in which one of each pair of homologous chromosomes passes to each daughter cell and a mitotic division.
Then I would collect royalties from all types of sexual reproduction: Children, agriculture, pet breeders... etc. Figure I'd cash in on my patent before cloning becomes popular, since many of those techniques are already patented and there still is a market for sexual reproduction.
pronoblem
pronoblem
Abstract:
A method of adding cost, anguish, and value-added goodness to a computer user's purchase. In its simplest from, this action will be carried out through use of an optical bit-source medium (hereafter refered to as CD-ROM) and a magnetic bit-source-sink medium (hereafter refered to as HARD DRIVE), the previous of which will copy binary digits (hereafter refered to as BITS) to the latter, thereby creating a dynamic representation (hereafter refered to as COPY) of the bits on the cd-rom. In a more in-depth usage of this technology, the cd-rom may be replaced by an electron-motion-wire device (hereafter refered to as NETWORK) or other electronic medium. This innovative process will take place before a computer is sold to a user, and will many times be done without their control. This process will be irreversible, and the user may not recieve a refund if they refues to use the installed software.
See also: Micros~1
Posted from the wireless couch.
I am hereby declaring my patent on Three Letter Acronyms (TLAs) and Javascript rollovers...
Do I need to create an XML language for TLAs?
A method of consuming large quanitities of a frothy substance made primarily of Barley, Hopps, and Water. The disired effect is for the subject to obtain a "Buzz" or be considered "wasted" or "toasted". Prime locations for such activity includes pubs, sporting events, and weddings. Adverse affects could lead to arrest, nausia, calling ex-girlfriend at 2:00 in the morning, and waking up with a subject with less desirable assets
#123456789 Stress-Tolerant Physical Waveform Storage Unit
The Unit stores two-dimensional analog timeseries by the method of physically displacing atoms horizontally and vertically on a petroleum based substrate physically configurated as to conform to patent #987654321, "Matter Equidistance Technology for Transportation Purposes" (having the edge being equidistant from the Units' Center Of Gravity) -- for a list of advantages of this configuation, plesae see the patent i question. In the COG, a negative imprint of #987654321 (see patent #2468013579, "Negative Matter Prescensing using Equidistance Technology") is placed so as to facilitate precise alignment with the waveform-reconstruction apparatus.
The advantages to obsolete technologies like the CD are physical stress-tolerance, the ability to store two-dimensional waveforms and the ability to store waveforms in analog form directly, unncessitating the need for digitalization.
Trust the Computer. The Computer is your friend.
Mechinisms involve the use of highly skilled engravers to produce the uniquily marked paper which will prevent the copying thereof and undermining of this system.
The "pieces of paper" value will be enforced by a "sizeable force" representing the "will of the people".
REFERENCE: patent 100042321423 "Business plan: usage of small pieces of metal as a representation method for favors"
Removing Deposits Under FingerNails.
"A Method for removing dirt and other unwanted contamenents from the undersurface of the fingernail. A probe, knife blade or other flat, relatively rigid device scrapes across the underside of the finger nail collecting the unwanted deposits. They are gathered at the edge of the fingernail and brushed away via clothing, wash cloth, paper towel or whatever happens to be handy. After the disposal of the contamenents, anthor sweep with the probe may be necessary for complete removal of any stuck deposits and again finish by brushing away the collected deposits. This should be finished by a thorough washing of the hands with soap and water. Towel off and show friends."
-seeded
Om Mani Padme Hum
What are you talking about? Microsoft already has all of that.
A system whereby goods and services may be paid for or exchanged without the need for electronic facilitation systems. This patent covers use of a physical exchange medium hereafter referred to as "money", along with its associated exchange mechanisms (electronic and physical) and a means of determining the "value" of said goods and services known as the "free market economy".
Due to the fragile nature of biological informational nodes, a process is necessary to ensure that data contained within nodes is not permanently lost.
To ensure continuity of data, more nodes are required before the denaturing of the original data carriers, and the data replicated onwards to the new nodes, such that distributed data storage forms a reliable method of ensuring that stored data is not lost, and, if necessary, more new nodes may be spawned to ensure the capacity of the database may expand to support all required data
This patent covers the use of low frequency vibrational movement to induce an exothermic reaction between two biological informational nodes in such a way that information exchange occurs necessary to initiate the creation of one or more new biological nodes with basic operating systems necessary to receive further data from existing data nodes suficient to maintain integrity of the overall system.
This patent would cover any submition of information covering a process to a registration office, from now on referred to as the Patent Office, or "PO" for short. This registration office would keep on file the information describing the process, and legally award the submitee a short-term (Less than 500 years) monopoly on such registered process. Allowing the submitee to licence, sell, or forbid use of registered process.
The terms of a registered process will be enforceable by any means needed, legal or illegal.
The PO is allowed to charge a fee for their registration services.
Oh good, one patent I can almost avoid completely. Sadly, the one patent I would willing pay if it meant I also got a good nights sleep out of the deal.
A common task involved with computer use is scrolling, as evidenced by the presence of a "wheel" or "wheels" on several models of modern mouse. This proposal suggests that a button be placed on each of the right and left sides of the mouse, or in another convenient location. The buttons, when depressed, will convert the motion of said mouse into horizontal and vertical scrolling. This support can be a mostly hardware solution, as it temporarily disables the X and Y axis motion of the mouse, replacing those signals with buttons 4,5,6,and 7 (assuming 3 standard buttons). Obviously, the drivers for said mouse will need to support input for 7 buttons. As "wheel" mice are common, drivers for already implemented mousing devices can be reused with this mouse, providing maximum backward compatability. For example, drivers and applications that only support a "vertical scrolling wheel" will already seamlessly ignore the additional scrolling direction.
End users will benefit by not accidentally moving the mouse while attempting to scroll through long pages. Application designers will benefit by not having to worry about additional mouse motion events while scrolling is occuring, reducing I/O overhead. Those with reduced finger motion who are unable to use a standard mouse wheel due to the range of motion required will benefit from merely having to depress the modifier buttons. I will benefit by gaining money if the moderators read down this far.
I'm gonna have to look for prior art now...
--Danny
I hereby propose a patent for a system for the marketing of copywrited items of printed matter, videos, compact disks, DVD's or any future media via banner ads on any national or international network including, but not restricted to the Internet, by way of redirecting users to a centralised server. I further propose to patent the use of such a webserver for reviewing, advertising or selling of such items or for the auctioning of any old crap that nobody wants anyway.
Hmm.... now that would make it worth my while... A method of software development whereby the source code for an application would be entirely propritiary to ensure that buggy software is never fixed and customers have to shell out huge amounts of money for upgrades
Although I'm sure it would make me quite unpopular around here
A portable data recording device ("camera") may be linked to a second data recording device (the "host computer") via an intermediate mechanism (the "dock") which facilitates data transfer and services, including development and recharging.
Claims
Embedded within the bowl of urinal are a number of infrared sensors that can detect the movement of a stream of urine.
The motion of the urine stream may be used to navigate through a b2c web site displayed on a LCD screen above the urinal. Single clicking is achieved by directing the stream towards the rear of the urinal. Double clicking is achieved by directing a suitably large mass of faeces into the urinal.
Though it's been years, I used to get treated well by my local crack dealers.
They liked having me around because at the time I was fairly intimidating.
"Hi. This is my friend, Jack Shit, and you don't know him." - Lord Kano
A method of describing in a uniform manner the sender of information electronically through a predefined "device" containing such information. One such "device" showing this innovative method is the production of a "file" containing lines of text to be used by several different e-mail programs without the need of conversion (named ".sig" to be hidden from normal use).
This is a good one. I'm curious. Has anyone tried to patent this so far? I'd be interested to find out.
I'm actually a Landscape Architect -- and I spend most of my lunch time at the computer setting up drawings to print. One Handed food is an on-going thing in our work place.
well, since i haven't seen this yet, i can't refuse posting (there goes my karma)....
i want to patent petrifing natalie portman with hot grits, in addition to the method used to pour hot
grits down one's own pants.
-Jae
I'd have to submit the following:
The Intelligent Web. Speeds up information interchange, improves the quality of life, and washes my car. Costs are prohibitive to development and deployment, but I've got the patent!
I could go on and on about the wonders and implications of this mystical device/system, but if I did, someone might steal my idea and actually make the damned thing. And hey, ever read the lingo that goes into a patent? "My doohickey does things to solve those problems."
Just a follow-up... When I first read this, it was before lunch and I was hungry. Later, when I wasn't hungry, this did not sounds nearly as appetizing. Nevertheless, I had made up my mind to try it anyway. And this weekend, I implemented spaghetti burritos.
It was neither as good nor as bad as I had expected. It wasn't as good as my pre-lunch prediction had been, but not as bad as my after-lunch prediction had been. It wasn't disgusting at all. In fact, I thought my spaghetti sauce (with meat in it -- pretty much killing the health aspects of it) was tasty.
The problem was with the spaghetti itself -- I could not taste it. Normally, the flavor of spaghetti is subtle and nearly overwhelmed by the tangy sauce, but is still detectable. But with a flour tortilla around it, the tortilla totally totally blew away the spaghetti. (Not that tortillas have a strong taste either, but it's stronger than spaghetti -- or perhaps just easier to taste since the exterior of the burrito (the tortilla) hits the tongue first.)
Perhaps if I experiment with differt tortillas and spaghetti, the results will be different. But the net effect this time was that it tasted like a spaghetti sauce burrito. The spaghetti itself just supplied tasteless bulk.
BTW, I made several such burritos and froze them. I have eaten several, but so far, no family members have dared to try one.
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As copyright owner of this comment, I authorize everyone to defeat any technological measure which limits access to it.
You know what? That actually sounds pretty yummy. If I saw it at my grocery store, I would definately buy one and give it a try. I'm not kidding.
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As copyright owner of this comment, I authorize everyone to defeat any technological measure which limits access to it.
Forget the grocery store. I think I will make some of these myself (except for the frying part; soft tortillas are fine as long as they hold together well).
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As copyright owner of this comment, I authorize everyone to defeat any technological measure which limits access to it.
The patient uses a digital camera and a connection to the internet to send pictures of his mouth to a professional dentist. The dentist analyzes the pictures and sends commands (e.g. "pull your second to last tooth on the bottom right") to the patient. This reduces costs since the dentist no longer needs a waiting room, receptionist, or special tools, and the patient need not spend time and fuel travelling to the office.
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As copyright owner of this comment, I authorize everyone to defeat any technological measure which limits access to it.
-- Michael Chermside
Method by which Beer is converted to urine via a series of 'organs' stomach, liver, kidneys (all patent pending)
I propose to patent a totally new paradigm for generating revenue. My patent would describe a business that does not produce anything but patents. Business processes, technology, etc. would be covered. All revenue would be generated solely by lawsuits. The first step would be to sue the companies generating ridiculous patent lawsuits, for infringing on my patent!
Ignorance is the root of all evil.
This is a request to patent a new language used for communication. The vocabulary would be described in a database known as the 'Oxford dictionary', though licences would be provided for third parties to be able to produce their own databases based on the same data. The language would be so straight forward that it could be used by any person, even someone without a computer degree. The language could be used to describe any experience imagined or real.
This new human compatible language would be called English, not to be confused with the other language called English. All similarities between English and any other language a purely incidental and should have no impact on the issuing of this patent.
Jumpstart the tartan drive.
My campany Dollar Pharmcuticals Inc (DP) owns the patent on the whole human body. We did originally own a third of the DNA patents, but we have now bought out all the companies who owned the remaining DNA patents. This means that if you wish to generate any DNA based on our patents you will have to pay for it. Since we have realised that this is going to be a nightmare for people to calculate the costs we are producing a special one time offer:
This one time offer involves every living individual paying $1'000'000 for the rights to duplicate DNA. After this date you will be forced to see DP Inc to get an evalution on what rate you are duplicating DNA so that you may be billed appropriately. Also to avoid any problems, we have joined up with MPAA to copyright certain DNA sequences. If you are a found to contain this DNA sequence then you will be terminated. Excuses such as 'this is a natural random mutation' will not be excepted.
Jumpstart the tartan drive.
The following is a request for a patent on a device called the 'Binary Calculation Engine'. This device is designed to do complex mathematical calculations based on what would be called instructions. These instructions would cause certain operations to be calculated or peformed in order to retrieve certain useful results. Also in order to be able to cause mass hesteria once every ten years a calculation error would be introduced and this would be blamed on the the user.
I will be using this technology to form a company called Igence.
Jumpstart the tartan drive.
I've long wanted to patent Krebs Cycle. With the new biotech patents it might be possible. The only downside is that most of the folks to whom I deny licenses are probably anaerobic to begin with.
A device that, when implanted in the brain, can decrypt an encrypted media stream recieved through one of various wired or wireless digital transmission schemes, such that encrypted copyrighted material will never enter the decrypted state until it is inside the brain.
Hah! Now when the RIAA/MPAA try to invent this, they'll have to license it from ME!
The process is initiated by a central CPU (brain stem) 10-12 times a minute, sending electrical current (nerve impulses) which cause a series of actuators (the diaphragm and thoracic cage muscles) to contract.
The contraction of these actuators expands the exchange chamber (rib cage), leading to the expansion of a series of inflatable bags (lungs) contained within. With each expansion of the bags a predetermined amount of atmospheric gas "A" is brought into the inflatable bags via an I/O duct (windpipe). After full expansion of the bags, the CPU issues a command to cease the expansion of the actuators which cause them to passively return to thier resting position, at the same time allowing the bags to return to their resting size. The contraction of the inflatable bags returning to their resting position forces atmospheric gas "B" out the system via the I/O duct. Thus, the exhange between gas "A" and "B" will have taken place allowing the cycle to begin again.
Another system currently under development is the release of pressurized methane gas from a contained system via a central oriface. Look for more information to come after lunch (bean burritos).
Unfortunately, there's a lot of prior art for this.
end of line
A method of using javascript, perl, HTML, "push" protocols, and similar technologies, separately or in combination, to dynamically fill unused Internet bandwidth with random patterns of ones and zeros, or "static".
Hey, I think I could sell this one to my PHB as a special project....
I shall do roblimo one better by patenting NEGATIVE CLICK SHOPPING. That is, we partner with DoubleClick to analyze shopping trends and ship the products to people before they even know that they want it. We will, of course, pre-debit their credit cards and... oh wait.. I just realized Digital Convergance would win on a "prior-art" for shipping something that no one wants. my bad.
;).
I would like to now patent, instead, the process of being really annoying and irratable. I feel that I am the premier and most annoying, ugly, irratable, insulent, pithy, wreched, cruel, indececisive, moronic, and flat out stupidest person on the entire planet. I would like to patent that, and lets see if anyone claims prior-art over THIS one
Verbatim
Price, Quality, Time. Pick none. What, you thought you had a choice?
Abstract:
A continuous rotary lever device utilizing a "hub" with attached "rim", and an "axle" mechanism will allow movement of heavy loads over horizontal and moderately inclined surfaces. The rim is rigidly attached to the hub at a fixed radial distance, minimizing the problems apparent with earlier 3-sided and 4-sided implementations. The hub contains an opening at its center which fits over the axle in such a way that the axle is "captured" and allowed to turn smoothly, as to allow free rotational movement of the hub, and in turn the rim. The rim, being at a greater distance from the axle, suffers less frictional energy loss between itself and the the supporting surface than the hub, supported by the smaller axle. This concept allows load movement with considerably less effort than previous methods of sliding loads directly on the supporting surface. The radial distance from the hub to the rim, and rim width are determined by the desired load carrying capacity, and support capability of the operating surface. One or more of these rotary lever assemblies are connected to a platform which bears the load in such a way as to provide balanced vertical support; a set of three or more non-colinear rotary levers is the preferred configuration, although fewer may suffice, with appropriate refinements. The rotary lever assemblies are aligned in the direction of desired travel, and horizontal force is applied to the platform to initiate motion. Alternatively, motion may be induced by repetitive application of force to a series of fixed levers attached at intervals radially at some distance from the hub, causing the rim to rotate about the hub in step with the forces applied. This has the effect of inducing horizontal motion without direct application of an external horizontal force.
Transformation A: Add one.
Transformation B: Subtract one.
Patent the idea of capturing data from a live camera/video-source and use that, live, in a computer game. For instance, picture a Quake-clone which records your face as you play and "projects" it onto your alter-ego in the game.
Anyone know of prior art?
Belief is the currency of delusion.
An intelligent robot device which will collect jam from a family unit's respective toes at a user specified time. Time may be indictated by 24 hour clock over weekly, monthly, yearly schedules. Device will sterilize 'toe-jam', jar and then place in the household's refridgerator. For larger families, the robot device can be programmed to make deliveries to a local grocery store.
Also configurable via the XML language to collect samples from male household members for the local sperm bank, nightly or hourly (user defined). Robot device will automatcally collect monetary returns and deposit in a user specfied bank account (via teller or bank machine).
Apple Licences Amazon's 1-click Shopping, in which I said:
HRMPH! You'll be hearing from my laywer!
Wait.. I don't have one.
for those aussies out there I did hear a while ago that " The Telsra Organge " was patented by Tesltra recently... damn it i hate those stupid bastards .. oh yeah why didnt someone make the point with that MP's $50k phone card bill that if he was with dingoblue/aapt/ontel that the cost probably would have been about 1/2 that group of w*nkers telstra charged.
www.grunef.com slashspam(an A with a squiggle around it) willcowan.com
A Method or System of transmitting information generated by a single person or organisation for the purpose of allowing multiple individuals to receive a notification of the availibility of a product or service. This would be called Service Product Authority Message.
tom.
-- Tom
USPTO Request #432,352,235,235,122,124,245.4
This being, as method explained, objective to turn a short abbreviation of nothing or something of existance into a recursive, infinate meaning. First you take the name (or product name) and select the first letter as showing in Figure A.. Second step is to create an anagram of the word and choosing the meaning of the first word in question, to mean the same as the whole word in question. Next part is to create a somewhat easy to remember sentence out of the rest of the letters which not be important to this method, as shown in Figure B.
Figure A.
S L A S H D O T
^
|
First character = to whole word.
Figure B.
________________
|S L A S H D O T| Original Word ->
|L|O|L|O|A|I|L|R| Meanings
|A|V|L|M|N|R|D|A| |
|S|E| |E|D|T| |N| V
|H|S| |W|S|Y| |S|
|D| | |H|O| | |V|
|O| | |A|M| | |E|
|T| | |T|E| | |S|
| | | | | | | |T|
| | | | | | | |I|
| | | | | | | |T|
| | | | | | | |E|
| | | | | | | |S|
-----------------
Ok that's my dumb patent idea.
The process of converting oxygen into a carbon dioxide waste product is mine, all mine! If you breath, you owe me!!!
Computer geek for hire. Reasonable rates. Email me.
The forward motion of the temporal realm, aka time. To be safe, I'm also patenting the ability to make time go backwards, as well as the ability to fast forward, rewind, and pause time.
Computer geek for hire. Reasonable rates. Email me.
Patent application for the audible signal which indicates that a personal tele-communication system (aka telephone) is working (aka dial tone). Application is also made for the audible signal which indicates that a personal tele-communication system is working but the party trying to be reached is currently using their tele-communication system (aka busy signal).
If it's busy, does that mean they're first posting??
Computer geek for hire. Reasonable rates. Email me.
A System where the purchaser registers their credit card details with the vendor in advance.
The vendor at their discretion and with no intervention from the purchaser charges the purchaser for products and delivers them.
Enhancements:
1. Base the timing and choice of item on excess stock or marketing drives by large companies.
2. Tailor the choices to purchaser based on web surfing habits.
3. Send out high energy food and drink when the user is surfing late at night.
I DID ZERO-CLICK JUST DAYS BEFORE THIS DAM STORY CAME OUT.
Is someone trying to steel it out from under me? Zero-Click Shopping!
--
_|_
The above is not worth reading.
A method in which the sellor and sellee converse in person and exchange monetary units, hereby refered to as money, for goods and services.
Example: A man walks into an umbrella shop, picks out a nice umbrella and walks up the the counter where a device called a 'cash register' is used to 'ring up' the 'sale'. 'Money' is exchanged for said umbrella, the 'cash register' prints a reciept, and the transaction is complete.
Sig missing. Reward.
I'm patenting the process of patenting the patent. I call it a "metapatent". I'm also metapatenting the metapatent, and so on.
--
Pretend there is some witty statement here.
The method by which scanning the bar code of any food product in your kitchen will send out an order over the Internet for the ingredients needed to prepare scanned food product.
I'm in trouble then. That's apparently the only kind I have.
--
JADBP
A simple way to get atention to your person by posting a reply to a story in a popular web news site that allows commenting before everyone else. By the use of an agent, being this agent biological or logical in nature, to monitor the arrival of new material in the refered internet site.
too bad this isn't the first post.
--
"take the red pill and you stay in wonderland and I'll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes"
[]'s Victor Bogado da Silva Lins
^[:wq
A method for abbreviating 32 bit numbers such that a consumer can more easily remember said numbers. For example, rather than express a binary 32 bit number as 01111111000000000000000000000001, a short hand notation method making use of base ten numbers and periods can be employed. A base ten number such as 127 can be used instead of 01111111, followed by a period, followed by simply a 0 instead of 00000000, followed by a period, followed by another 0 instead of 00000000, followed by a period, followed by a 1 instead of 00000001. This short hand method yields 127.0.0.1, much more compact and much easier to remember. Using this same technique, any 32 bit binary number can be expressed in an easy to remember short hand format.
Now, let us bow our heads in payment.
This is my idea I don't want to patent it I want someone to
do it
follow the link below
http://Lenny.com
I am filing a patent for a typing device which produces emoticons such as :) or ;-)
This device resembles a standard keyboard, but upon closer inspection, each key will have a different emoticon character on it. Pressing a particular key will then trigger a (patented) software function that will then display said character on the display screen.
In addition, anyone found producing these characters manually (i.e. through the use of a standard keyboard) will be sued out of existance. And don't try to open-source your idea either. We have lots of lawyers and nothing else to do with our time.
A method of broadcasting streamed content using just the mouth. <br>This includes (but is not restricted to) broadcasting raw IP addresses (eg "Hey! 192.168.1.1 is down again!") and hostname ("Has anyone registered www.thisismypatent.org?"), but also direct delivery of services ("Who wants a coffee?"), information ("White, no sugar") and acknowledgement headers ("OK!").
Robin V. Stacey Providing simple answers in a complex world
Using your cellular WAP phone in order to browse the Internet seems rather difficult to me. Tiny keyboard, tapping the same key three times in order to get to the 'C' character ... pretty obnoxious stuff.
I would patent the concept of 'handsfree WAPping' - keyboardless access to the wireless world.
Now, you would only get as far as the default homepgae, but that's not *my* problem.
I would like to take this opportunity to inform
you of your infringement on our patent. We
patented 'Stupidity' some time ago and feel that
your use of it infringes on our non-intellectual
property.
Section c) clearly states that "the process of
taking action wherby considered by your peers
to be akin to brainlessness" is a process wholy
owned by us.
We must therefore ask you to stop being stupid.
Now.
From the American Heritage Dictionary:
"The hue of the long-wave end of the visible spectrum, evoked in the human observer by radiant energy with wavelengths of approximately 630 to 750 nanometers; any of a group of colors that may vary in lightness and saturation and whose hue resembles that of blood; one of the additive or light primaries; one of the psychological primary hues."
This color can also be expressed digitally as RGB: 255,0,0 (#FF0000), as well as in HTML as "red".
I think, that after many minutes of deliberation, I am going to have to go with the idea of Unlocking something.
All instances and all forms of "unlocking."
Physical, theoretical, psychological, metaphorical, etc. This includes all forms of unlocking, including illegitimate forms such as cracking files or breaking windows.
Including but not limited to the following:
Unlocking cars, doors, windows, breifcases, safes, server cases, post office boxes, Unlocking the solution to a problem, deducing a password, or any other form of "figuring something out" so as to unlock a sort of solution or resolution, unlocking screensavers, entering user passwords, archive passwords, or any other form of password entry. Also including other less blatant forms of unlocking; such as unlocking some secret love, or unlocking the door to someone's mind, and other more metaphorical ideas that do not as directly connect to the lock/key idea but can still be applied metaphorically.
Wrongo. I have the patent on scrollbars. I've got a few phone calls to return from Redmond, WA. Maybe I can give you a call too? It even covers scrollbars that haven't been used yet.
Device: Scrollbar
Abstract
Covering a device displayed on a video screen or other electronic display which has the function of changing the position of the viewable area of information displayed inside of a window based on the vertical, horizontal, or diagonal position of said device. May also be controlled by buttons that move said device vertically, horizontally, or diagonally. Buttons may or may not be labeled as to their function, and may be physical or onscreen.
_______
Scott Jones
Newscast Director / ABC19 WKPT
FC Closer
Why the hell would we want to clog up the already ASS patenting system with further crap? Let's not stoop to their (corporations) levels? This is unproductive B.S. and It's an example of why I'm starting to not like /.
Hey man, its all in good fun. Relax guy! Put your feet up! Have a soda. Look over here! There ya go.
"Why, arent YOU the ladykiller?" "Aquitted!"
Since when does that matter?
The Wacky patent of the month by Michael J. Colitz, Jr. a Patent Attorney (His site is going to be Slashdoted... He should get a plug ;-), which I am sure has been featured on slashdot before, has numerous examples of older stupid patents. Such as the Scalp cooling device ro the Tachtical Nuclear Slide Rule patented by the US Government, or even the Pat on the back aparatus!! But my favorite is the Apparatus for Facilitating the Birth of a Child by Centrifugal Force patented in 1965 - at 82.3 RPM, that baby is pushing 7 G's !!! What a trip !!!
I wish to patent a system for using the diaphragm to expand one's chest cavity, thereby drawing oxygen-laden air into the body. This air would then have its oxygen sent to the brain via the circulatory system so that the user may maintain life.
The litigation protecting this patent will extend its power to include the filling of one's lungs with any substance, so after I collect royalties from everyone on the planet, I'll go after smokers and glue-sniffers.
chris
Should not be used on footwear already using the Vertical Elastic Linear Cord Redundancy Object (VELCRO).
Take the open sourced Doom engine and make "1 Shot Shopping"!
"DNA is God's contribution to the Open Source movement"
Saying tha hyperlink doesn't deserve a patent is a stupid statement Rob. It does deserve one, but luckily for you and me, the guys who came up with it didn't thus we are free to enjoy it today.
------ Curiosity killed the cat. {satisfaction brought it back | it didn't die ignorant | lack of it is killing mankind
I patented an OS that, much like Windows, is engineered to function poorly.
;)
However, it responds to swearing, and acts of violence directed at it, and then works perfectly
.... for about 10 minutes!
"How much truth can advertising buy?" - iNsuRge - AK47
"How much truth can advertising buy?" - iNsuRge - AK47
The method described here, called "Standards", allows computer users to interchange data freely without being restricted to using software from a particular manufacturer. In particular we show how a standard markup langage (OPML == Our patented markup language) allows the viewing of web pages by arbitrary browsers, including those not made by Microsoft. So use active-X or we will sue your ass!
It's a patent owned by someone. Either you pay the license or your shoes will be confiscated and you need to walk barefoot (which process is patented as well...)
--- If OS were buildings, then the first woodpecker to come around would erase 95 % of civilization.
I'm patenting the way I tie my shoes.
Everyone else either pays licensing fees or has to wear his shoes untied.
--- If OS were buildings, then the first woodpecker to come around would erase 95 % of civilization.
Variations on the phrase "Al Gore invented the Internet" should be included as well.
-aiabx
Just this guy, you know?
Is it too late to patent Vaporware?
This method encrypts any form of communication in such a way that it becomes illegal to decrypt it. The encryption scheme works by transforming english words using the following method.
1) Words beginning with a vowel are prepended to the word "pay".
2) Words beginning with a consonant are seperated into two words. The first of which being the original word without the leading consonant, and the second word consisting of the consonant prepended to the word "ay"
For a small license fee, you can have effective content control using my method. In the case of streams of digits, the method uses XOR64, but don't tell anyone, becase it's a secret.
I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person that I'm preaching to.
There's just one problem. What if you select an item by clicking and then drag that icon unto the checkout? I believe that would be buying something with only one click, which is unfortunately already patented.
I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person that I'm preaching to.
Hey!!
That's very similiar to my unbreakeable encryption scheme. It can take any message, and encrypt it into the leter Q. If you sign a NDA, I can tell you about the details of the algorithm. However, I will vigorously defend my intellectual property rights.
I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person that I'm preaching to.
This patent, which is mine, propose a _innovative_ device, called Preemptive Content Generator(PCG) that:
combines all
a) know letters, and or phonetic expressions, digits, and or any kind of character, as found in; books, electronic texts, and or any other physical, and or electronic, and or transendental medium,
into randomly generated "texts" (as defined in a) of arbitrary length, by means of a
b) electronic computational device, whether a turing-complete machine, and or
c) quantum based, and or
d) any other computational device, which, in one form or another, using any form of elementary particles, and or force fields, like electrons, and or light (whether particles, and or waves) as aid in any form, in its computations.
Since this device will generate any; book, text (as defined in a)) and any expression, verbal or oral expression, expressed in, but not limited to; any medium, whether physical, and or electronic, and or transcendental, and or any form of physical temporary storage, like soundwaves, and or storage by means of biological devices, like neurons (eg brains), that;
e) has ever existed
f) exist now
g) will ever exist
Of e), and f)
Since eg. all known books is a result of a premeditated, coffeine intake based act, known as "writing", performed by biological entities (human, simian or otherwise), whether the content created by my device, is done by an entirely different _electronic_ device (as defined by b), c), d)), it logically follows that;
That content created by my device, is an entirely new creation, entirely different from any existing content, even though they may appear to be entirely identical, just as "One-Click-Shopping" is entirely different from anything similar, like shopping in a normal store, since both "One-Click-Shopping", and my device (PCG), is entirely different since they are implemented in _electronic_ form.
I will hereby, be automatically granted the publishing rights to any existing work or text, in its PCG generated form.
Of g)
Since my device (PCG), will create any form of expression, text, and book, that will ever exist in the future. All authors and publishing houses, should automagically grant me any rights beforehand, since they cannot write or publish anything, that isn't within the reach of my device.
This is the case, even though the device (PCG), may not have actually generated these particular texts yet, since any future writing will be a _potential_ violation of my copyrights, just like any purchase of a computer without Microsoft Windows (tm), is _piracy_. (Lex "The Windows Tax, patent pending).
This patent differs from "The Infinite Monkey Protocol Suite (IMPS)", as defined in rfc2795.
(http://www.ietf.org/rfc/rfc2795.txt)
Since:
1)IMPS is entirely Simian based, in its generation of content, whether my patent is impelemtented as defined in; b), c), d).
2)IMPS is entirely dedicated to the random recreation, of an _allready known_ bards particular plays.
To secure the succes of this patent, I hereby deny the USPTO the right, to use any form of expression (as defined by a) and f)), that doesn't grant me this patent.
Regards
Peter H.S., CEO - PCG inc.
Proposed: A Patent for the practice of attaching any cable with a screw lock(like a serial cable) to its respective socket whereby the cable is not affixed by both screw attachments. In the event of affixation by the screw lock closest to pin 1, all respective similar-type plugs per electronic device/network must be affixed similarly. Same method applies for all cables attached with the screw lock farthest from pin 1. In the event the plug in not affixed with either screw lock, the cable is to be held in place by a wad of duct-tape, weighing between 1-8 oz, and applied in an apparently haphazard method.
-Those who never speak are never understood.
Those who speak frequently are misunderstood frequently.
Proposal: A user driven technology news site, Run under the name Slashdot.org
Abstract: I propose to patent the idea of using a website to inform the technologically minded people of the world about news of interest to them. (eg: News for Nerds[tm]) This news must be important, of some value to the constituants of said website (Stuff that matters.[tm]), and will be therefore monitored by other users and valued by a _Completely_ new and inovative process titled "Scoring". This process of "Scoring" will be valued by using my own system of "Karma"(tm) which will entitle "Karma Whores"(tm) to decide who is allowed to post and who is not.
Thank you for your time, and a quick and painless Patent Approval Process (PAP[tm])
-Bill Gates
hmmmm?
I would like to patent a business model for obtaining new, patentable ideas and or inventions. This model utilizes an Intenet based discussion forum to request feed-back from readers, offering a modest reward to the single reader who is percieved through an election process (called karma) to have developed the best idea. These ideas can then be patented by the operator of the web site.
"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup."
http://www.quickbuy.com/
Our patents cover the file format and processes involved (that's why I can talk so freely about it without getting in trouble.) Yes, I work for this company, and am partially responsible for a couple of these patents, but my feelings on software patents are still mixed.
I am hereby formally informing slashdot that they have violated the patent that I currently hold on using pretty widgets to represent the stories on my news website.
Patent: 3245692435798
purpose: the act of using content specific icons to give readers a quick overview of what articles can be found, as well as allowing the readers to use those widgets to find other stories of the same type.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized. --Sun-Tzu
These three companies are in violation of patent # 4,309,234,398 that is currently held by me.
This patent covers the use of using tabs at the top of the page in order to allow quick navigation to major portions of the site.
See for yourself at amazon, barnes & noble, and Musicians Friend.
Micro$oft is also violating one of my patents.
I currently hold patent #3,456,232,632, which covers the production of shoddy products in order to shaft greedy and ignorant investors. Unfortunately I can not give you a URL for either of my patents, because my webserver, which is running $H1t-OS, has crashed.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized. --Sun-Tzu
Well, we all know about junk mail, and banner tracking systems, so the next logical step is...
Patent this:Just sends chills up my spine. 0-click, customer tracking system that automatically buys things for you and sends them to you via next day air. Hehe.
Read: Rabbit Rue - Free serial nove
The concept of building a Beowulf cluster out of Slashdot Cruisers shall be covered by both this claim and claim #4.
Shouldn't this be covered "under this claim and claim #9?" Claim #4 is about Natalie Portman, #9 is about senseless Beowulf clusters.
Since this post is bitching about a typo, but it isn't about CmdrTaco, am I still free from you patent infringement? Or will I have to offer up my services to edit any of your proceeding posts?
P.S.
This is a funny post in response to a funny post on a story intended for funny posts; please don't mod me down.
IANAL, but I play one on
I already have affiliates in the major food chains (Randalls, Marsh, Kroger, Aldi, White Hen, etc.) who have active employees ready to license the technology to interested shoppers. They also check that only licensed users are implementing my patented shopping strategy.
IANAL, but I play one on
One Glance Shopping
No boom today. Boom tomorrow. There's always a boom tomorrow. - Cmdr. Susan Ivanova
Urinary expulsion brought on by long period of nocturnal rest
Yeah, that's right. I'm gonna patent taking a piss when you wake up.
No boom today. Boom tomorrow. There's always a boom tomorrow. - Cmdr. Susan Ivanova
how about "shop in drag" ? steve
"A method of using computational devices with physical, human readable storage, to create and display on a (patent pending) forumlated grain pulp which, when handled properly, is entered into a database of protected ideas which may not be used without expressed permission and may necessitate royalties."
I say someone needs to patent the method of submitting a patent. That way, when anyone submits any stupid patents, we can sue the morons.
In online forums, postings such as "hot grits", "Natalie Portman", and "Beowulf" wasted bandwidth. I propose a system for automatically suppressing posts which contain the aforementioned "hot phrases".
Wait. There's already a Hot Grits Suppression System activated! Nobody can read this post! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagghhhh!
Here WE go, rather. Doh.
In fact, I typically have to offer the "Extra Hot" incantation to bring them back into compliance.
--Humpty Dumpty was pushed!
Whenever you're thirsty, just put a little dehyrated water in a cup, add water, and voilà!
Frogs are primitive animals - so the occasional extra toe is not that unusual. But this is very unusual.
This document is submitted for the approval of the United States Patent Office (USPO), under Article XVII, Section 27 of the US Patent Law.
This is a proposed patent on any of several physical forces used to adhere any quanta of mass (US Patent # 04339432K) to another. This has been created and demonstrated in a laboratory condition, in that any object which is released from the applicant's hands is immediately attracted to the linoleium tile on the floor. The propsed name for this technology is the "Physical Adherent Force" (for the remainder of this document, it shall be referred to as the PAF). The Applicant can readily demontrate this technology, in that He himself can stick to the floor. Even if the applicant propels himself "up" (U.S. Patent #549312D), he will immediately be attracted towards the materials on the floor due to the PAF.
Anyone using PAF (on themselves or items that they have in their posession), will be ordered to cease and decist, until they obtain written consent from the patent holder.
+-- (Score:-1, Moderator on Power Trip)
And then sticking it to FBI for patent infringement?
1) Virus writing isn't always against the law (or at least if you're the victim of a virus you might wish more harm on the author than the law will allow.) If someone had a patent on the computer virus however, the author could be sued for patent infringement.
2) Much like the lack of reporting your income due to illegal drug sales will get you into hot water with the IRS (simply to punish drug dealers more), this patent infringement could be used by the prosecutors to punish the authors.
3) You could probably go after Symantec and McAfee as well for making money off of someone's product (virus) that infringes on your patent.
Sloth503.
p.s. I'm looking for Buffalo Daughter CDs - check out my page for information on what I need:
http://www.aracnet.com/~pbradley/
The idea could be taken and rearranged/modified to make it different, and then patent that!
People see the world as they are, not as it is.
Your patent would cover the concept of first posting. Would first post related materials be covered in your patent? For example, would this patent cover the pouring of hot grits down ones pants? Would the consumption of pancakes by ninjas be protected by your patent? Also would this impose a copyright upon naked and petrified teenage girls? One must protect ones intellectual property.
The documents herein, filed as patent number #TBB with the USPTO, describe a system for creating matter out of nothing, space where there was none before, and indeed an entire universe. Dubbed by scientists as "The Big Bang", this process created the very universe in which you now exist.
Our lawyers will be in contact with you soon regarding royalty payments for your existance. Thank you.
-- The Management
Method of storing and viewing news stories related to technology, society, and geek life in general. Also provides a forum for users to comment on said stories, and non-censoring moderation of stories. Name of method is two punctuation marks spelled out and placed behind a dot-org.
Yes, that's right, I'm patenting Slashdot. Or, better yet,
Method of making any website look better through the copious use of a color that has a very small red value, a medium-large blue value, and a slightly larger green value.
I'll patent Slashdot green. Muhahahahaaaa!
-Ross
Easy enough to do with only a small program... it's called an "Open Mailing List". :)
Rise and shine, get out of bed and I'm a war machine again. -Name that song for 20 points.
"Switchblade Knife", Pro-Pain
Where's my 20 points?
Please see the Simpson's episode where Ned Flanders opens a Mall store for left handed gadgets. I'm certain that one of the items mentioned and/or shown in the store is coffee cup or mug.
Also, the first image on this page clearly shows both left handed and righthanded model, and the page discusses its use as a cup to be used for coffes.
Work for Change & GET PAID!
I'd pledge 20 bucks to fuckover the patent system!!
http://www.livejournal.com/users/cixel
my nickname is colmore but for some reason i can't sign in: I patent the following idea: Passenger spacecraft A vehicle service, operating at a fee, propelled by rocketry or other means of high velocity propulsion, for the purposes of transportation and/or recreation through the regions outside of Earth's lower atmospheric layers. there you go grandkids, that should pay your way through college.
In Capitalist America, bank robs you!
it told my I was anonymous coward and then it posted me as colmore... what is going on?
In Capitalist America, bank robs you!
I am requesting a patent on the synthesis of d-deoxyephedrine. After countless hours of research and studies, I have discovered that this drug is a stimulant and can be used for stimulation of course. Since d-deoxyephedrine is a fairly complicated name for the layperson, I have chosen the name Methamphetamine to represent the chemical that I am patenting.
I said, "Hey listen to me, stay sane inside insanity. But he locked the door and threw away the key."
In response to Slashdot's challenge, I hereby submit my application for a patent protecting my innovative new idea. This patent covers my system of Biological Resuscitation Events Allowing Temporary Human Inhalation of Natural Gasses. This system, which I call BREATHING for short, allows Humans to inhale natural gasses through the use of specific contractions of the diaphragm muscle. These gasses are then sorted by chemical processes in the human's lungs, where Oxygen is extracted and funneled into the blood stream. Waste gasses are then released from the blood and all excess natural gasses are expelled from the body through relaxation of the diaphragm. The process of BREATHING is important and beneficial to Humans because it procures Oxygen from the Earth's atmosphere and deposits it in the Human's blood stream for distribution to all parts of the body. I am in the process of working on a version of BREATHING that will be applicable to other forms of animal life, but the acronym is not yet solidified.
For e-mail, s/DONTSPAMME/lmco/
"A method of using javascript or similar technology to produce a series of Web page-displayed images that, automatically either causes a purchase to be consummated or causes a series of preselected items to be placed in a single customer-accessible data file so that the customer can purchase all selected items at the same time instead of having to perform a series of separate transactions except if the customer clicks fast enough to cancel the transaction"
I would like to patent the process of hiring some random stupid lawyers in order to write down an utterly foolish well known idea, and to make it accepted as a patent by the USPTO.
Note 1: The patent also applies if the lawyer happens to be smart.
Note 2: There is no prior art: as a matter of fact, who would dare to think that the USPTO has already accepted foolish patents. (Oh well, maybe some will, but the USPTO won't anyway).
Note 3: This patent cannot if any case be considered foolish: if it was, either it's acceptance or it's innaceptance would lead to illogical results. Therefore, it should be accepted.
If you liked this one, stay tuned for "Method For Storing and Concealing Negotiable Currency Instruments Within a Platform or Cushion Normally Used for Sleeping".
The patent refrenced above on "method of playing games" can be found here in the US Patent Office's own database.
Get those sites slashdotted with our new patented 1-Click Slashdotting technology. And now click on those URLs!
Upon approval of my Quad-Click Shopping patent, anyone that clicks four times in the process of buying anything, must pay me licensing fees or I'll take their asses to court. Booh yeah, grandma ;-)
-----
"Cogito Eggo Sum: I think, therefore, waffle."
heheh, that's pretty funny.
Russian Russian Russian RussianDollSig DollSig DollSig DollSig
Doesn't this exactly describe /. karma?
They're in more trouble than they thought.
A shipping method utilizing time travel technology whereby a shipping company (Fed-Ex, UPS, etc) ships the package the day before you order it. Thus eliminating the waitng period encountered in ordering through the web. You no longer have to wait for the package to arrive, it's already there. No need to track it, we already delivered it.
An apparatus for the enforcement of express shopping lines:
All items in the store are equipped with unique identifying marks (e.g. "bar code" labels, or UID transmitters). Upon entering a checkout line, the shopping cart is scanned, and the number of items in the cart are tallied. If the number of items exceeds the maximum allowed for said line, the store's management is notified.
Sigh. The sad thing is that it will come to pass.
Okay, most ridiculous patent attempt I can think of: patenting the concept of open source.
Description, as some idiot might see fit to use it:
A method of publicizing and distributing portions or entire libraries of intellectual property such that development costs are reduced and speed enhanced. Liscensing steps are taken to encourage rapid diffusion of a product (or, shall we say, "solution") through the company's strategic development community, hearafter referred to as *NIX Geeks, while asserting the copyrighted nature of the product and at the same time encouraging future development.
Of course, no one will ever patent this idea, because according to most companies going after stupid patents nowadays, open source doesn't work. Their loss.
-Arubis
The One Without a .Sig
Why not place a patent for patenting the patent process itself. Creating a system by which people send in their ideas, give them numbers & dates on which Ithey're recieved, and then they can use those numbers in court to prove that they had the idea first...
Whatever you do... don't read this.
system map.
the patent - constructing mapping ladders
This consists of a serious of 4 or more chemcial recombinants that arrange themselves in a ladder like pattern between two guiding rails. The pattern itself is used to encode blue print style chemcial mappings, as well as algorithmic and chemical process that can be cloned in short sequences that are then used for a piece by piece construction of a complete cellular entity.
corollary patent - multi purpose ladders
the use of such construcing map ladders to encode multipe types of cellular information, such that a series or collection of interdependent cellular entites may be self fabricated from a single encoding ladder.
(for those who haven't guessed yet, this is a really shitty description of DNA... you ALL owe me royalties because you exist!!! )
Old truckers never die, they just get a new peterbilt
Digi Camera's With Infinite Memory!
The ability of a camera to store pictures in a buffer, until as time to electronically send the pictures to other storage. eg, E-Mail the pictures out.
Waiting for an amusing sig.
A method of online banking whereby the account holder can obtain upto the minute balance of account information, pay bills, transfer funds and gamble using a display in the form of the account holders preferred method of speculation (such as, but not limited to, a one armed bandit, roulette wheel or dog track). The client is invited to drag and drop funds from his bank account into the game of his choice, and then increase his financial standing using his own skill and judgement. Any winnings or debits will be automatically calculated on his balance.
This patent also covers the conversion of physical ATM machines to provide similar functionality.
"You can catch flies till the cows come home, but wasps are a totally different kettle of fish."
Sorry chuck. MS have beaten you to it. Check out America's finest news source
"You can catch flies till the cows come home, but wasps are a totally different kettle of fish."
When you go into a used-CD store to sell your CD, the clerk pops your used audio CD into his CD-ROM drive.
The program (patent pending) attempts to read from various places on the CD, statistically trying to cover the entire disk, and keeps a count of read errors. It spits out a number which represents the quality of the CD.
Obvious, but probably patentable.
-- Only unbalanced people can tip the scales.
Two things to patent:
First up - the tool:
Forming a relatively thin rod made up of primarily charcole and thereafter encapsulate it in a layer of wood.
Second - the process:
Using said tool on some other material that has the ability to bind the charcole that is released from the tool to itself.
Karma: 2.71828182846 (Mostly due to small, fun pills)
Claims:
1. A device for manipulating information, represented by inscriptions
of a countable sequence of symbols chosen from any fixed finite
countable set A. Said symbols being inscribed on a surface of any
finite topological dimension, such inscribed surface being termed a
'tape'.
The device being supplied with a pointer to at least one specific
position on at least one such tape, such pointer being termed a
'head'.
The device having an automaton maintaining at each moment in time
exactly one of a finite number of possible states. One of these
states being designated the special 'final state'. Said automaton
being supplied with a finite list of prescriptions, each of which
governing:
a) the optional transition of the state of the automaton
to a new state,
b) the optional transformation of an inscribed symbol at the
position of a head to a new symbol chosen from the finite
countable set A.
c) the optional motion of any of the heads over a finite
distance in any direction.
such transitions being dependent on
a) the current state maintained by the automaton
b) the current symbols at the positions of the heads.
The device being operated in a manner comprising the following
steps:
1) the symbols at the heads being recognized
2) the current state being recognized
3) selecting a rule from said finite list applicable to said
symbols and states
4) effecting the changes prescribed by said rule
5) unless the automaton maintains the 'final state', repeat
from step 1.
2. Any device capable of the same class of manipulations of
information, as defined in claim 1, which results from composing
any of the functional parts of the device described in claim 1
together with a device to interrupt the power so as to effect the
end of the cycle of steps 1 - 5.
That should cover the some pretty universal machines,
and the best solution to the Halting Problem.
A personal view regarding any topic or question, whether hand written, typed, enscribed, or spoken; published, and, or posted on the Internet. The "opinion" may not lead to further "opionions" from other person's or party's. The "opinion" cannot be used in a way such that a person's or party's views are expressed, without express written permission from the holder of this patent.
Unique process of combining two (or more) distinct but generally similar large data sets. Data common to all sets is automatically selected into the output set. Where conflicts exist, data is randomly selected from any originating set. The result of the combination is a data set that matches all the common elements of the originals and a random composition of differences between the originals. I reserve the right to apply this method to automated computation, biological science, intellectual process, and any fields that benefit from the technique.
That right, this is a patent on sexual reproduction and thinking (where thinking is the process of combining ideas to form new ideas). Don't worry, the royalty fee will not be too pernicious.
"A system of moving gaseous substances using an organic system that uses suction in combination with an imbalance in vacuum states on two sides of a biologic barrier to take a substance known as "air" (see patent #1,943,329,834,937,947,038) and move it inside of a "person" (see patent #94,395,495,693,957) or an "animal" (see patent #48,098,347,937,584,028), so that the "air" can be added to the "blood" (see patent #2,947,917,937,209,847) so that the biologic organism can function in an enhanced state that has been found through rigorous experimentation to be preferable to that which exists when not using this method. I call this method "breathing."
You can trust me. I'm with the government.
If I was voting, I would vote for this one. Very funny.
You can trust me. I'm with the government.
As long as they read to #859, I'll be happy.
Give me my freedom, and I'll take care of my own security, thank you.
To ensure your patent is not infringed and you recieve due compensation, please consider licensing my patent and implementing it in your product.
Give me my freedom, and I'll take care of my own security, thank you.
When you begin to produce your worth invention, please consider licensing my invention to ensure that you are duly compensated and your business ventures become successful.
Give me my freedom, and I'll take care of my own security, thank you.
A method for the automated purchase of software licenses in an enterprise, individual, consumer, or end-user setting, hereinafter referred to as "Active License," "Active License Protocol," or "Active License Service," trademarks of Unidimensional Nonlinearities, a sole proprietership registered to do business in the state of confusion.
In a typical installation of the Active License Service, an information technology administrator installs software using, in lieu of an installation key, a credit card number (Visa, MasterCard, and American Express are currently implemented, though the patent appicant reserves the right to add any and all other credit card services).
Upon installation of the software, the credit card information is forwarded to the software vendor for purchase of a license to use the software on the computer in which it is installed, using the Active License Protocol.
In the case of multiuser programs in which a server component is used, the credit card number need only be entered once upon installation of the server component, where the information is cached, and each client which accesses the server component initiates a credit card charge authorization (without intervention of the systems administrator). Typical applications include permitting access to file/print servers, database applications, internet email servers, web servers, and any and all other recognized present and future protocols which may require individual licensing.
Active License will eliminate the need for companies to maintain records of software purchases as software simply will not function without having been paid for.
SUBMITTED 10 Oct 2000 11:27 PDT by Jonathan Johnson
Give me my freedom, and I'll take care of my own security, thank you.
A graphic object, possibly drawn as an arrow, but alternative representations are possible, displayed on a cathode ray tube or similar device, that is synchronized to the movements of an external, input device (previously patented as a "mouse") or other hardware with a similar capability. The purpose of the graphical pointer is to identify to the associated computation machine where the user's interest is focused. A secondary purpose of the graphical pointer is to draw pretty circles when the user operates the "mouse" (or similar device) in a circular motion, while waiting for the computer to complete any previous tasks (e.g., a "One click" purchase).
Process whereby a company is started by advertising a product they have no intention of creating in order to generate millions in venture captial, immediately followed by the company going public and being worth billions for one day, after which investors wake up and sell everything they have and the company vanishes.
Process whereby a person surrounds themself with one or more video camera, which the signals of which are then digitized and made available through a network. Revenue may be generated by the selling of subscriptions to the view the content recorded by the webcams.
The process of utilizing the interconnectedness (that is, the fact that they are interconnected)of computers on a network to generate revenue.
I think you might have some serious prior art issues with that one.
"I'll take the red pill. No! Blue! AAAaaaahhhhhhhhh"
- Monty Python meets the Matrix
Section 1. A method is described herein whereby a merchant (hereafter referred to as the egomaniac) associates a level of remuneration for providing the privilege of partaking in a formal transaction (hereafter known as the handshake) with him/herself. The customer (hereafter referred to as the shill) views the name and the associated cost for recording the handshake and can decide whether a shill/egomaniac handshake is desireable.
The recording of the handshake primarily benefits the shill who can now list the egomaniac as an important client on press releases, business plans and yearly reports. Since the egomaniac receives no other benefit than the aforementioned remuneration, it is understood from the outset that the egomaniac has everything to lose and little to gain here.
Section 2 herein describes the enticements that the egomaniac can provide for the shill as a side-benefit of his/her recognizing the value of a handshake with him/her. These enticements are understood to be of no monetary value whatsoever and they should be considered to be a free perk optionally provided by the egomaniac for the benefit of the shill.
I'd like to patent a revolutionary concept for storing information on 'digital' media. I call it a 'bit'. It consists of a space on any type of media that can have 2 distinct values. One value will be considered to have no value and will only act as a placeholder(Like, say a 0). The other will convey a numerical(like say, a 1). longer strings of 'bits' will form 'bytes', which can be used in various schemes to represent numbers, letters, or just about anything. I've noticed that millions of people have copied this idea, so I will be expecting royalties any time now...
Notice of patent is hereby given that Vapor Technologies now owns the trademark and all intellectual property connected with the term Vaporware(tm) and all its variations (including, but not limited to, Airware(tm), Brochureware(tm), and the British variant, Vapourware(tm)).
Vaporware(tm) is defined as "Any product, program, project, service, website, or any other related technology or method which is announced by a company which has not, at the time of the announcement, been fully implemented, shipped, developed, deployed, debugged, and accounted for with three full years worth of P&L statements to prove the existence of said thing."
Any company with a product which matches our definition of Vaporware(tm) will have to pay Vapor Technologies(r) 10% of their net income as royalties for using the Vaporware(tm) concept.
In addition, any marketing materials for said Vapourware-Certified Product(r) are subject to a tarrif against top-line revenues according to the following Fee Schedule:
Four-Color brochures - $.10/copy
Whitepapers - $.05 per page per copy
Web-based publishing - $15,000 setup fee, $.07/hit for the first 1,000,000 hits, $.05/hit afterward
Press release - $10,000 for each agency which reports it
(other fees and chargables as necessary)
In addition, Vapor Technologies offers the following fee-based services to help promote your Vaporware-Certified Product(r):
"Garden Group First Glance"(sic) - $750,000 per paragraph (payable to Micros~1 Public Relations department)
ZeeDeeNet Positive Review - $2M
ZeeDeeNet Negative Review about competing product - $3M (higher if competing product is also Vaporware-Certified(r))
Negative Review of your product (Short-Seller Special) - Call for Price
Ron Moody special - Have one of the most respected and oft-quoted technology experts write your review! (25% discount on review rate)
Any or all of the above options (except short-seller special) can be paid for using our convenient, Equity-Stake finance plan!
I do hereby pantent the State Of The Art.
This patent applies to that which is new, was new, or will be new. An evolving (State Of The Art) definition of State Of The Art will help to avoid confusion as to infringement. Of note to potential infringers is that to develop a State Of The Art definition of State Of The Art is a violation of our patent.
Freedom to innovate will be granted on a per-project basis and royalties for use of this patent are expected.
See also related patents on Obsolesence and Relevance.
This site clearly shows that Dogbert invented this ages ago, and his patent has already been granted :-)
I would like to patent the concept of the 'e-transaction', whereby two devices (e.g. computers, but not restriced to computers) may provide each other with pertinent information to allow an individual, or corperation, to purchase materials of any kind over a remote connection (this may occur by either means of 'wire(s)' [see pending patents], or by 'radiation emitions'). This patent would cover all forms of data transmitted through these means, as long as they were involved of a purchase of any type. This may include, but is not restricted to: paying your credit card bill, buying any supplies, loading a page with an ad (since it is involved in the buying process). (aliases: 'N-click shopping', e-purchase, 'e-*', 'electronic transactions', 'just plain greedy')
That's a hyperlink. Moron.
The message on the other side of this sig is false.
If anyone here reads Nukees, they may remember that the current storyline revolves around one of the characters patenting energy use. (And then unleashing a horrific army of lawyers... brrrr.)
I hereby extend my application to the USPTO for a patent on 'Hands free porn surfing' hereby known as the 'Slideshow'. This is a concept I developed during many sleepless nights spent scouring the web for images of naked and naughty women. The concept is to allow users to choose a category of pictures then display all the pictures in that group automatically one by one so the user can have both hands free.
I asked many high priced lawyers to search the four corners of the earth to ensure that my application would not be hampered by foolish and unfounded rebutals claiming prior art. No such prior art exists, don't even bother to waste your time looking, just approve my silly patent.
Claims:
/. messaging system and karma whoring!
1. A method of allowing a user to cause to be displayed and stored textual representations of thoughts and comments using dynamically generated online document serving technology, and to allow said user to cause to be displayed textual representations of thoughts and comments previously caused to be stored by other users,
2. A method of allowing a superuser to cause to be maintained a mathematically formulated and documented rating system, consisting of a process assigning to each textual representation of thougts and comments a numeric integer value between -1 and 5 inclusive, indicating an ideally objective value of the thought or comment to other users of the afforementioned process (see Claim 1),
3. A method by which a user may increase or cause to be increased the afforementioned rating by storing textual representations of redundant or otherwise nonuseful information such as hypertext links into stories or articles located on a remote document serving system posted on the message board listed in (1) for the purpose of illiciting the creation and storage of textual representations of thoughts and comments.
In short: the
kugano
that does sound good... especially the part about the deep fry... MMMMMM GREASE!!! (not sarcastic)
mov ax, 13h
int 10h
mov ax, 13h
int 10h
Zero-click shopping? Type the product code you want, type the quantity, then type your name, address, and credit card number. between fields, when done.
I'm a GENIUS!!
Hello little man. I will destroy you!
Each year much valuable property is lost as a consequence of dimensional/conciousness discontinuities. Further much economic inefficiency and excess physical exertion results from ineffective transport methods. therefore this patent present a new and novel method for effectively transporting items in a cost effective and reliable method hitherto unknown.
description
Folds of suitable material are selected by any appropriate method by those skilled in the art. The said material is modified or manilpulated in any manner suitable to the properties of the selected material so as to form a a cavity or enclosure. The cavity or enclosure is then attached to any appropriate clothing and/or fixture point of any transportation device.
Optionally the said cavity or enclosure may be fastened by means of zips and or buttons to prevent the unintentional egress of material enclosed by said enclosure.
Examples of use may be, but are not confined to, the carrying of objects such as coins, weapons, mobile phones, pens and the like within the said fabric enclosure. Either about the person or within clothing.
Claims Accordingly the patentee claims;
enclosures and/or containers. Further or alternatively;
materials folded or manipulate, as aforesaid, so as to fully or partially enclose an n-dimensional space. Further or alternatively;
any form of boxes, bag carrier, container or pocket
-he who laughs last, is a bit slow.
journal
Them: Hello, you have reached the US Patent Office. Due to recent lawsuits, if you are using a touchtone phone, you will be charged 2 cents and if you are using pulse dialer, you will be charged 5 cents. You will see this on your phone bill. Anyhow, if you are interested in submitting a patent and wish to be advised please press 1...
Them: This service was brought to you by the number 1. The number 1 is currently owned by MicroSoft. Please pay 1 dollar US to continue.
Them: This card will be charged another 50 cents due to you using it in paying for the previous payment. Thank You. Please hold while an assistant comes to the line.
Them: Hello? Please keep this quick, I am paying for this call as well as you.
Me: Um, ok... I just wanted to patent something.
Them: Um, ok, what is it that you want to patent?
Me: Well, there are two things... the first is a new version of zero click shopping... actually I call it zero click hastle.
Them: Ok, that sounds new, whats the premise.
Me: Well, other people seem to think that one click shopping is easier for the newbie customer and much more convenient, but shopping is still a hastle. So i propose...
Them: I'm going on 2 dollars, hurry up why don't ya?
Me: Right, anyway... I propose zero click hastle. The customer logs into my internet website, and is immediately charged a random price and then automatically sent a random package of goods by extracting the address from their cookies and using a logic algorithm to determine the true address. If no true address is determined, we will automatically do a person find and bill whoever is on top of the list.
Them: That sounds evil. I don't think you can patent that.
Me: Um, can I patent my second thing first then?
Them: What is that?
Me: Well, can I patent God? And once patented, he will be god, and him, his, and himself, rather than God, and Him, His, and Himself. I will be Yeoua, rather than yeoua.
Them: I don't know if you can do that.
Me: Check your database, is that patented yet?
Them: Apparently, it is not patented.
Me: Ok, then send me the forms and I'll fill them out for the patent of god.
Them: Um, ok. I am up to 5 bucks now, so i'll let you patent him, if i argue with you any longer i won't be able to pay for the house.
Me: Ok, so now that i have god patented, i want to patent the zero click hassle thing too and get rich. god created the universe, so based on that i should be able to patent that, and all other patents should be nullified since i own all.
Them: Um, i guess so.
Me: Who said you could talk?
Them: Um...
god: I got a hit.
Me: Sweet. You were so pweened damn it... llama troll. I guess i
It could happen...
yeoua
You enter my site, and every single item I have for sale is marked as to be purchased, if you don't unclick all 100,000 items, you just bought them all.
The sick thing is, this already exists. In the September issue of PC Mag they discuss wired houses, funded, like everything else, by advertising. Video cameras set up around the house (and various other tech items) monitor what you look at on the active matrix walls, and you glance too long - you just ordered a month's supply of adult diapers.
After much research and development with my crack team of highly skilled computer professionals, I have discovered a way to increase the amount of RAM available to a computer.
I submit this patent for the usage of a hard disk to work in conjunction with a computer systems own Random Access Memory.
This is a new and exciting technology my company has developed. Through the usage of a hard disk, whenever a computer runs out of RAM, one may actually begin using space on their own hard disk in the place of RAM. With the new fast hard drives that are coming out, this easily allow a common computer user to have over 80 Gigabytes of RAM!
And for large corporations with huge storage area networks, this will allow for terabytes of RAM, accessible to multiple users across the network. People may never have to buy actual RAM again!
Imagine now, that since RAM can be kept on a hard disk, it is possible to back up your RAM. So, if you happen to be using a flaky computer that frequently crashes, just back up your RAM to a tape backup drive. If your system crashes, just restore the tape, and you're right back to where you were!
The usages prohibited by this patent are - but not limited to - the following:
Usage of a penguin as a symbol for any product, whether electronic or material in nature.
Usage of a penguin as a symbol for any idea, thought, or process developed by you or person known by you.
Usage of a penguin as a symbol for any idea, though, or process developed by any person not known by you.
Usage of a penguin as a symbol for any drink, whether it be fruit punch, apple juice, soda, any type of alcoholic mixture, or any other liquid substance.
Usage of a penguin as a symbol of 'coolness'. You may not use a penguin to express the power, strength, or slickness of an item. This includes telling stories of the various varieties of penguins known to attack, by charging creatures at excessivly high speeds.
Usage of a penguin as a symbol of happyness. You may not discuss or give analagies of a penguin, mentioning any amount of cuteness, cuddliness, being lovable, it's ability to gorge on heron, or EVER use the phrase "mommy mommy, can I have one too?". That phrase is expressly prohibited.
You may not use the terms "Penguin" and "GIMP" in the same phrase, as the term Gimp gives the impression that the Penguin is not capable of standing up to other mascot's.
Usage of a penguin that talks. You may not use any form of a talking penguin. Also, if a penguin could talk, it would never use the word, "duby".
Usage of a penguin outside it's biological environment. This includes incorporating a penguin and an igloo. Penguin's do not live near igloo's.
Any usage of the Penguin that was not expressly granted above, is hereby forbidden.
A method of using Perl to produce a series of dynamic Web pages with images that if NOT clicked on by a customer causes a purchase to be consummated. For every time the customer does not click on the image when the Web pages load, the total amount of the purchase will grow exponentially until the customer's credit card limit is met.
I submit the Slashdot Effect...
A method of having one larger webserver link to and destroy a smaller webserver with large amounts of web traffic. This includes but is not limited to the smaller webserver crashing, catching on fire, begging for mercey, melting, and/or vaporizing. The slashdot effect is mainly intended to crash Windows Webservers that can't handle the traffic. Foondog
This is a process wherein data might be collected from users of a web site by having them fill out an electronic "form." It includes a means to ensure the form is filled out correctly, a means to "tag" the browser of the user so he/she may be tracked later, a means to store user data for quick and convenient access by administrators, a means to cross-reference user interests from the form data with web site activity, and a means to ensure data is current by verifying users' email addresses through periodic emails sent to users' mailboxes.
You can't. Once you publish something publically, you cannot patent it. Therefore the winner's idea is not patentable.
:)
Otherwise it would be funny.
--
M
I patent Microsofnix !!!
I would like to patent the notition of producing and object called a "Patent" to protect my rights in a court of law. Despite the fact that this has been done in the past, since no one else has patented it and I have a huge legal team that can lobby my initial draft of this document around 1776, I will proceed to claim all current patents as my own.
Anyone attempting to post a patent to this forum will be sent sleaze and dissect orders as nessesairy. Consider this your written warning...
- Sig
Make that "rights to intellectual property and ideas produced by a individual or other group in a court of law" where is says
"protect my rights in a court of law"
--What this "preview button" for?
- Sig
To whom it may concern:
It has come to our attention that you have made use of a patented and trademarked invention of our client. We hope that you find the information contained herein to be helpful in determining how best to discontinue your use of our client's patent and trademark.
Due to the confusion of the legal representation of Arthur C. Clarke, an application for a patent was filed rather than one for a trademark registration on several of the trademarks related to the production of the film "2001: A Space Odyssey", and, although no patents were intended to be granted, the numerical nature of '2001', being one of the trademarks for which registration was applied, caused it to be filed mistakenly and, thus, granted as a patent. Therefore, the number '2001' is protected by patent within the United States of America until the first day of January in the year two thousand seven (2007). Furthermore, a trademark was also granted for the number '2001', and will remain in effect until the termination of business by Arthur C. Clarke. Because of the aforementioned patent and aforementioned trademark, use of the number '2001' is forbidden except by express permission by Arthur C. Clarke.
As legal counsel for Arthur C. Clarke, we demand that you discontinue use of the number '2001'. The ways in which we are aware you have misused this number are enumerated as follows:
1. In denotation of the first year of the third millennium
2. As the integer following 2000 and preceding 2002
3. As the integral part of all numbers between 2002 and the next lowest integer
4. As a mis-representation of the number 2010
5. As a mis-representation of the number 2011
6. As a mis-representation of the number 2100
7. As a mis-representation of the number 2101
8. As a mis-representation of the number 2110
9. As a mis-representation of the number 2111
Sincerely,
<Legal Counsel of Arthur C. Clarke>
A proccess where by launguage is expressed by the use of a tool or machine. An arrangement of buttons or 'keys' are pushed to represent launguage that may be then transmitted in an electronical and/or digital form.
There is a Dilbert cartoon where Dogbert gets a patent on "No-click shopping"!
The first databases referred to as the BuzzwordsDB contains a pleothera of keywords and/or phrases which have been psychologically analyzed to induce high amounts of incinedary textual conversation. These words are hand-picked for the consumer by deploying a team of TROLLs (The-Really-Obnoxious-Laughing-Lusers) to the consumer's website beforehand. Examples: "Angst", "Teen", "Geek", "Technology", "American."
The second database, hitherto known as the HeadLineDB, contains the data which the first portion of any JonKatz RANT shall be constituted of. The HeadLineDB is generated via the concatenation of the BuzzwordDB and a random current-event. Examples include: "Voices from the Hellmouth" and "Why Kids Kill."
The lexical routines used by a JonKatz to generate a complete and incoherant RANT are based on neural-network technology. This neural-network is trained at the National YHBT Laboratories, on massive HTGRTS/UX machines. Here, the JonKatz is exposed to endless ramblings and diatribes on a wide-range of equally insomnia-curing topics. The TROLLs, having completed their work, then add their results to the mix in order to generate a personally-tailored JonKatz.
In order to test the JonKatz's efficency, it is sent to a covert testing facility and run through three basic trials:
The First-Post test stresses the JonKatz's speed, responsiveness and improvisational capabilities.
The Karma-Whore test elucidates the JonKatz's ability to appeal & entice its audience, while simultaneously having no idea what it is saying. (This ability is used extensively in real-world JonKatz deployment, and thus is weighted more heavily.)
Finally, the Hot Grits Test demonstrates the JonKatz's ability to enrage and otherwise pester a large portion of its audience, while at the same time entertaining a microcosmic minority.
After this rigorous testing and conditioing is finished, the completed JonKatz is shipped to a needy customer.
I'm going to patent the sound of a flushing toilet, so the leagl team at Amazon can think of me after a power lunch.
Here's some ideas:
:-)
1. Patent the process of getting a silly patent.
2. Patent the process of hiring patent office employees.
3. A web browser that will not go to web sites of companies that have silly patents (like amazon.com). It would access an online database that is, of course, open source.
4. The process of taking several sheets of paper and placing information on them, then binding them together.
5. Patent the use of acronyms. (Pay up MPAA
6. Patent the use of the 'word' teh.
7. Patent the process of misspelling words.
8. Patent the process of winning a prize for a web site.
"Quake is just a crutch for those who can't handle Descent"
Coder's Stone: The programming language quick ref for iPad
A system of equidistant, uniformly sized rectangles, placed at 90 degree angles from each other, that allow any person/animal the ability to locomote from one distinct elevation upwards to another, or any person/animal/SlinkyTM to locomote from one distinct elevation downwards to another. This patent also applies to all similarly shaped locomotive aids, even if the rectangles are in motion.
QAExpress: Solid bug tracking for you. Graphs and reports for your PHB.
An algorithm, in any language, computer, human or otherwise, that causes the text "Hello World!", with or without a terminating null or carriage return, to be generated using any method of display or representation, including but not limited to synthesized or actual speech, videotext/CRT display, printed in any fashion available now or in the future, for the purpose of instructing students or professionals in basic or advanced features of said language, computer, human or otherwise. Patent shall not be limited to any currently existing language, computer, human, or otherwise, but shall extend forward to any language, computer, human or otherwise that shall be developed from here forward.
One-click lottery purchasing is a new method of obtaining goods and services without prior knowledge of the item to be purchased.
"A method of using javascript or similar technology to produce a single button interface, which when activated purchases a single random object from a databases of goods and services. This database is customized to the customer's preferences based on information obtained from the user's web browsing history."
Patenting part of pi? As precedent, look at the companies taking out patents on human DNA. They patented something preexisting that they discovered. And that's a FINITE sequence. Just take out a patent on, say, the 700 trillionth digit of pi and sue anyone who uses any value whatsoever of pi on the basis of using something integral to your patent (can't have the 700 billionth digit without the 600 billionth). This would prevent the use of quite a bit of software without licensing fees (trig functions, etc.)
I am Dyslexic of Borg
Resemblance is fertile
Your ass will be laminated
On the basis of intellectual property I would like to state now in clear and explicit terms that no one is to use my thought process for their own purposes without first submitting for review the manner in which and purpose of which you wish to use my thought process.
This patent includes any and all processes of inductive and deductive reasoning which can be derived from the postulate that for time to exist and have definition, time must also not exist, in all instances, in all places.
This includes the conceptual idea of infinity/nifityni (As a logical concept, not as a number) and all derivitives thereof.
This includes any mathmatical argument in which infinity is at times set on a specific point. (x/0 = y where y is represented as a number)
This includes any scientific theories or developements which may come from this (Some methods of Time Reversal, Some methods of Gravity Nullification, Instantainious transmission, some Heisenburg Compensation methods)
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[A Combining of utensils in such a fasion that the acts of pooling and peircing may be achieved through the use of a single impliment, thus allowing for maximum efficiency in the consuming of chicken-soup and other partical/broth combinations.]
-- 'The' Lord and Master Bitman On High, Master Of All
We claim:
1. A homo sapien attached to a communications device consisting of a computer, a display device, and multiple input devices for interfacing with a communications system for the purpose of troll creation, posting and display.
2. The method of claim 1 wherein outputs a troll posting consisting remarks about a nude and petrified Natalie Portman, hot grits, links to goatse.cx, and/or the penis bird.
3. A server system for the purpose of accepting troll postings as specified in claim 1.
Desciption:
The present invention provides a method and system for troll posting in a client-server environment over an internetwork. When a troller wants to post a troll, the troller uses the method in claim 1 to do so.
I would like to submit a patent for a news site.
We won't create any original content, we'll just read a lot of stories and allow other people to send us stuff from other people's reporting that we find interesting.
Then I'll quote those mails in one paragraph forms, put links up to the original sites.
Finally, to make this really original, I would allow people to comment on the articles and rate each others comments, further reducing the amount of work I need to do.
I'll make a fortune with this idea!
- Serge Wroclawski
Web-Controlled Nuclear-Powered Deathbots.
-- Chapman's Observation #1: Nothing is ever simple
How about patent the act of stealing patents? that way we could sue m$ and who ever eles wants to get in on te action.
Describes a perl script that can create a virtual DNA and corresponding protein sequence with user-defined characteristics such as choice of localization (secreted, nuclear, transmembrane, etc.) and presence of particular protein domains. Resulting sequence would be considered real and coding by most prediction methods. This will allow you to file composition of matter patents on your very own custom genes.
- Softer, smoother ride and increased comfort to passengers
- Increased ability to easily roll vehicle
- Simple and inexpensive source of material to re-sole your Birkenstock Sandals or brand-named Tennis Shoes
This patent will cover any and all tires ever produced that are either still in production or in inventory at sales and warehousing locations.[1] Firestone AT Wilderness
TossableDigits.com: Temporary Phone Numb
I'd like to patent electron transfer. It's the process by which atoms can be made to transfer electrons to neighboring atoms.
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Stupid sexy Flanders.
Continually extendable method and apparatus for the exclusive registration of processes or ideas
What is claimed is:
1. A method of describing and registering a process or idea to gain exclusive rights of use for a period of time, said method comprising:
applicaton made by the first party;
"examination" made by a second party;
legislation made by the governing party.
2. The method of registration described in claim 1 furthur comprising:
the use of many long words and akward phrases to obscure the true process or idea from all, particularly those already employing said process or idea.
3. The method of registration described in claim 1 furthur comprising:
the use of many long words and vague phrases to allow the applicants legal staff to enhance the extent of the original idea at a later date.
4. The method of registration described in claim 1 furthur comprising:
the use of many long words and repetitive phrases to lul all parties involved to sleep by the end of the first few paragraphs.
5. The method of registration described in claim 1 furthur comprising:
the use of money, influence, gifts, liquor, partys, favours, or other substance of worth or precieved worth to achieve any of the following:
speed the registration process;
augment the "examiner's" judgement;
lengthen the period of time for which the rights are granted.
6. An apparatus to administer the registration process described in claim 1 comprising:
a building, or shelter, or location at which to meet;
a slot, or bag, or box, or container, or electronic store in which new descriptions of processes or ideas arrive for "examination";
a backlog, or time keeping device, or three hour work day, or "management" by which an enormous passage of time occurs;
a person, or group of persons, or roulette wheel, or mammal, or scale, or contest deciding the fate of each new description;
an announcement, or posting, or head nod, or thumbs up, or mouse click, or any single action denoting the processes or ideas to be granted exclusive rights.
7. The administration apparatus described in claim 6 furthur comprising:
a shiny web interface for the appearance of transparency.
8. The administration apparatus described in claim 6 furthur comprising:
the introduction of substances mentioned in claim 5, or other parties who may not be mentioned in this document;
This patent covers the act of making a new mother cell which genetic information comes from two different complete genetic material of the same specie (referred here as 'parents'). The resulting cell has a DNA shared in two pairs, each having one and only one instance of every locuses in the specie, and one and only one instance of every void sequence known in the specie, the first and the second pair having for every locus allele one of the two alleles contained in the locus of respectively the first and the second parent. Every processes performing this act is subject to this patent. this patens should cover any method of sexuated reproduction. Try to convince a Rose she's making a copyright iunfrighment. Vincent, Paris
glop
The method used to retrieve the costumer's data and authorization can be:
- The user reads and understands the fine print, and authorizes the use of his/her credit card for everithing else.
- The company using ZKS partners up with a second company, and gets all the data of that company's costumers.
- The company using ZKS buys the costumer data from a second compnaly, or from any other third pary (see patent #313373 for more info on this)
Or any other similar method (by similar I mean "exactly the same", or "completely different", or anything in between)
On another note, this is my patent submission:
Millennium patent:
An advertising method by wich advertising companies claim that the product or service they are selling is the "last" or "first" to be offered on a unit of time, distance, or any other measurable concept, divisible by 5*10^N or 10^N, or any other expression (for example, a millenium). This method increases the value of the product or service, whatever it is.
Prior art: see my singnature.
--
--
Stay tuned for some shock and awe coming right up after this messages!
You may patent "patenting" but I'm going to patent ONE-CLICK PATENTING!
One click patenting is my proprietary idea where we remove the USPTO altogether. You go to my nice website and pay $1,0000000000000 to patent any half cooked idea you might have!
This comment has been patented by Christianfreak. Contact my lawyers before flaming :)
Never knock on Death's door:
The Anti-Blog
someone should patent the act of hitting refresh every 1/100th of a second and then posting as soon as a new story pops up. Then when someone brags that they are leet and got the first post, you can hit them up for royalty payments.
And after that, patent a method for a device that will scan slashdot threads and post emily dickensen poems randomly.
...evil, a method by which certain humans can do horrible things without feeling guilty, I should end up makeing a ton of money off of licensing to folks like: microsoft, politicians, many world governments, lawyers, doctors, satan, mcdonalds managers, and the mafia...
-HobophobE
-HobophobE
Nothing laughs forever.
TITLE: Rebooting OS at regular intervals
REF A: Application for patent on rebooting after changing display resolution.
BACKGROUND OF INVENTION:
An operating system becomes unstable over time.
CLAIM:
We have determined that an operating system will stop functionning after a period of 49.7 days. We have invented a technique that we call "Rebooting" which can be applied prior to the end of the 49.7 day period to prevent the operating from stopping to function.
DESCRIPTION:
A technique can be used at regular intervals in order to keep an OS clear of technical and operating issues. The technique involves several steps:
1- Selecting option to reboot
2- Pressing "Ok" button.
This claim also covers regular reboots which may occur due to Ref A.
All matter and energy, including Earth, the galaxies and all therein, and the contents of intergalactic space, regarded as a whole.
It has been shown that any sufficiently stubborn hacker may determine the underlying algorithm in any current executable program file, because fundamentally, all executable files contain machine-executable instructions that the processor must be able to understand.
Therefore, this patent covers the process of taking the machine-executable instructions in an executable program file and encrypting them in such a way that even the processor can't understand them!
By these means, even the most able hacker will be incapable of producing a human-readable version, because not even the computer itself can understand the instructions!
Education is the silver bullet.
The creation and use of acronyms to express colloquialisms specific to discussions in so-called "chat rooms", "message boards", "newsgroups" and "Slashdot forums" in order to succinctly express complex thoughts. For example, the process is used to communicate the phrase "I Am Not A Non-Sesquipedalian" in the far more succinct acronym, "IANANSQPD".
While were on the topic of Amazon's No Click Shopping.
A system and method to give members a list of automatically selected items and to automatically pay for the selected items.
M[*]ft, I[*]M, D[*]J, US[*], Sl[*]dot, and the planet Earth are licensees and will enforce this through new laws and violence. Birth on this planet automatically enters you into theHmm... Are these science fiction writers unusually perceptive, or are there people who actually go through their works and try to impliment this stuff? The second could explain recent stuff like the DMCA, patent office wierdness, etc...
-RickHunter
Seriously though. Best patent ever:Energy. Well, energy delivery...
-- The Hollow Man
-- The Hollow Man
Non illegitimati carborundum
Actually, it might really pay off to patent
the concept of stupid patents. This way, every
time a stupid patent is attempted and then
rejected, Slashdot could sue the person who came
up with the stupid patent. Also, by figuring
out that patenting the concept of stupid patents
is stupid, one could create an extremely stupid
recursive loop of suing the stupid patent of
stupid patents over and over (Andover? Oh, what
kind of verbal stunts I'm pulling today!) again.
Ahem, I think I've had enough Jolt for today...
I don't have any links or information about it, but I remember hearing a story about a guy who tried to patent the wheelbarrow. It supposedly happened in the 70's, and was not taken very seriously. I may be just a dumb story, I don't even remember who I heard it from, but it amused me, and you reminded me of it.
One time I threw a brick at a duck.
What Is Claimed:
A system for simplifying the addressing of singular nodes from among those connected by a shared media or bus is described. Often, a single node on a bus or media is distinguished by a complicated address, depending on the concentration of peer nodes. This system provides a method by which nemonic, shorthand, or other indirect names can be used as a substitute for actual media addresses. Further, this system describes a means by which this simplified naming method is organized in a hierarchical system by which peers can be distinguished from other peer groups, thereby permitting further address simplifications on a peer media bus.
The little guy just ain't getting it, is he?
An aparatus or device, made of strong flexible material, such as leather or a metal chain, that connects to the dog's collar (see US patent 6,024,053, as well as various European and other patents), or any other device hanging around the dog's neck, and enables a human or similar to limit the area in which the dog may be.
The device can be used, with slight changes, on other pets and creatures, as long as the weight of the pet does not exceed the weight of the yeilder, or the roles may reverse.
M-x file-patent
Make affiliate bucks
Dilbert: What does it do? (continues looking at his computer)
Dogbert: You better start clicking on something or else I send you some books.
-pf
Make affiliate bucks
To perform said operations, use of my patent pending CueBuy software is to be used. Any attempt to develop such software without my expressed written permission is hereby prohibited.
Those who don't know me, probably shouldn't trust me. Those that do know me, DEFINITELY shouldn't trust me.
I would like to patent the process of developing a cheap barcode scanner, letting some market-droid name it with all sorts of random punctuation. I will then give out these scanners for free, and earn all my money by suing people who actually attempt to use these free items. In addition, I will attempt to claim that I still own them, even though I've illegally mailed them, and therefore they can be considered a gift under US Postal Regulations.
Or if that doesn't work, I will patent the process of using browser-based cookies to track people's web site visitation habits, then charge them varying rates based on how many times they've visited my website.
Or maybe I could get a patent on the process of creating something that is so common sense that it doesn't deserve a patent, but yet applying for and receiving a patent on it. Then I can threaten legal action against all who claim that my patent is stupid and doesn't deserve a patent.
If you wish to converse in any language using any medium including voice, writing, printing, gestures, chemical, telepathy, electronic or physical, encrypted or metaphysical a one time licencing fee of $5.00 is required. Payments can be made exclusively with paypal by clicking the link below.
Purchase a License to use language (Cost $5)
Remember that PayPal will give you $5 dollars just for signing up. A real bargain! Click the logo below.
Click here to sign up for PayPal (Get $5)
Why the hell would we want to clog up the already ASS patenting system with further crap? Let's not stoop to their (corporations) levels? This is unproductive B.S. and It's an example of why I'm starting to not like /.
It's just too fucking "funny".
When will the masses learn?
http://siokaos.org/
"Drag-n-Drop Shopping" doesn't have the catchiness of "One-click shopping." Call it "Drag-n-Shop" and you're sure to attract the press.
The Write Only Memory Access Network takes of all of this useless T.R.A.S.H. (Things Requiring Additional Storage and Handling) and disposes of it for your protection. The W.O.M.A.N. is also proficient at meal preparation and F.O.D. (Fellatio On Demand).
El Karma: excelente(principalmente la suma de moderación hecha a los comentarios de los usuarios)
"A process where one human being, or other sentient being, exports and audible, linguistically coded message from their mouth, or other sound producing apparatus, to another's ears, or other sound input device. This coded message is then decoded by the recipient's brain, or other decision making unit, and then replies in a similar manner using a newly formed linguistically coded message."
Encryption: I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend your right to encrypt it...
If you would change Rob's proposal a little:
"A method of using javascript or similar technology to produce a series of Web page-displayed images that, when "rolled over" by a customer's mouse ..."
or other similar pointing devices"...in a predetermined ..."
or pre-recorded"...order, either causes a purchase to be consummated or causes a series of preselected items to be placed in a single customer-accessible data file so that the customer can purchase all selected items at the same time instead of having to perform a series of separate transactions."
Then you would have effectively patented the online (handwritten) signature. If you further claim copyright of the prerecorded order then the signature of the customer is yours... ;-)
Onet
Due to overwhelming demand show through e-mail communications and telephone support our company has developed a process that uses our customers MAC addresses to authenticate their accounts and automatically fill out all pertinent information required to purchase an item through our website. This will also allow my company to sell user information to other companies who will also be able to authenticate the user via their MAC address thus saving the customer time and money.
MAC addresses are unique numbers imbedded in network cards and modems that users use to connect to the Internet. The other benefit of this form of authenticating is the ability to monitor users without their knowledge whenever they surf the web. With full patent rights my company will be able to sell vast amounts of personal user information for profit. This sounds complex because it is and nobody has thought of it yet which is why we [The Company] are patenting it.
We [The Company] also plan on suing any other company that uses MAC addresses for user authentication of any kind such as through the DHCP process it was our idea first we have just forgotten to submit the patent. Hopefully this clears up all confusion.
As you see my company is patenting all use of MAC addresses for any sort of recognition we are also going to monitor all Internet users so that we can sell information about them to other companies without their knowledge. This is going to require the installation of software into the computers of all ISPs that we will use this patent to force them [ISPs] to install.
Dogbert already invented No-Click Shopping in one Dilbert comic strip. As I recall, he said: "You'd better click on something or I'll send you some books." Okay, so it wasn't "Zero"-click shopping, but it's close enough. Though I agree that is a good patent. I urge you to file it with the patent bureau and see if it gets passed.
--Garthnak
Liberty in Our Lifetime - http://www.freeme.org/
The rapid-fire mouse ball changer/co-worker annoyer.
/., userfriendly or what not. This ejected mouse ball continues on it's path, at a decent rate of speed, and if your aim was good enough, thunking your boss in the back of the head.
Here it is. We all know that mouse balls get worn out after time. Imagine this. You're sitting there in your cube, and you realize your mouse ball is worn out. You flip up the saftey cover (for OSHA compliance) take aim at your PHB and press the button. The worn out mouse ball is discarded at a fairly high rate of speed while another is loaded into the chamber for immediate continuation of reading
GIHM -The light at the end of the tunnel is only the oncoming train.
The "Action" button is a graphical control used in a computer program which, when clicked, may cause one or more of several actions to take place. These actions may include, but are not limited to:
- The transmission of information
- The dismissal of a dialog box
- The launching of a computer program
- The transportation to another html coded document
The text which is displayed on said "Action" button may be used to describe the specific "Action" button and may include, but is not limited to:
- OK
- Start
- Cancel
- Submit
Any use of said "Action" button shall be done so with a per-click fee to me.
How you see the world is how the world sees you.
I propose a system whereby one "person" can take in random gaseous elements, then use those same elements as a catalyst in a multitude of extraneous systems. This would allow said "person" to function with limited external interference, other than the occasionaly multicaloric base fuel replenisher and a serious of simple liquids to ensure proper function. I shall call it...Respiration
/* Of course I'm real, but can you prove it? */
--
EFF Member #11254
Please consider making an automatic monthly recurring donation to the EFF
"Litho" = rock. "Lithobraking" = slowing down by hitting rock. "Maintained in a non-free-fall orbit by electrostatic forces..." = sitting on the ground.
Quattuor res in hoc mundo sanctae sunt: libri, liberi, libertas et liberalitas.
I think I will Patent the home and back link for the bottom of web pages! Shit loads of money there
what about the Jack Kevorkian Suicide machine? I mean, doesn't everyone own at least one of these beauties?
Don't call my crazy, that's what they called me back in the home!
In my business class we watched an old Charlie Chaplin movie call Modern Times. His boss brought in a machine that would dish the food into his mouth so he could keep working on the assembly line. Although it was pretty comical, it was also very critical of scientific management principles. mr.
Patent the structure and operation of a democratic government.
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"There is no off position on the genius switch." --Dave Letterman
-
...that way we can put any unlicensed racist in jail, or at least fine them heavily. Heh.
-
"There is no off position on the genius switch." --Dave Letterman
-
Reverse Peer-to-peer Sharing:
Love it, especially the music bit! Very funny.
oojah
Do you have any better hostages?
We claim a method where we purchase all companies therefore allowing us to simply keep your paycheck as payment.
Shut up, be happy. The conveniences you demanded are now mandatory. -- Jello Biafra
Paul
I would have to patent a computer software that secures your computer by freezing it so you can't do anything but there would be a blue screen with white writing showing the entire time my software was running. The only to stop my software would be to turn your PC power off.
Then if any software company even thought of making something similar to what my software does my lawyers and the DOJ would sue their pants off.
S.P.A.M.
A method for the delivery of seemingly useless forms of electronic communication to a mass audience. SPAM may be sent through computers connected to the Internet via Bulk SPAM (B.S.) applications. SPAM, is mainly directed to Amazingly Overly Lame (A.O.L.) people and may be sent in either text format or in HTML format.
I wish to patent GOD and all the things he has created (i.e.: Earth, humans, Jesus, etc.)
The use of two parallel, horizontal lines to express that the values on either side of said lines are equal. Implementation will require the immediate recall of all computer keyboards to replace the "=" key with the "=(TM)" key.
I would like to patent a substance through which molicules of other substances can be internalized by an organism and another substance released. This substance would also have many other uses. (I would like to patent them too.)
I would like to patent recursive slashdotting, wherein a News item is posted on slashdot with a link to a place on the slashdot server, slashdot now doubles its trafic and is effectively "slashdotted" next a new news article must be posted to apologize for the laggy server stating "sorry about the slow response times, our site is being slashdotted bear with us we hope to be back to normal operations by the end of the day" in slashdot fashon one must link to the site being mentioned and by following that link people will again multiply the hits incured by the server. flaming the person to post both the first and second offending news items will receive massive ammounts of angry user flame, further bogging the crippled servers.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but if I remember correctly, there was a Dilbert comic recently where Dogbert decided to patent zero-click shopping. Anyone else seen this?
"It's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."
A business model, whereby the practitioner uses a multibillion-dollar marketing campaign to feed lies to the masses, relies on illegal strongarm tactics (such as prohibitively high license fees against companies that don't play along) to force competitors out of the marketplace, and a series of idiotic patents to defend its suspect products. This business model also utilizes a bribe budget and squadrons of lawyers to pass stupid legislation in order to protect the practitioner from actually having to develop anything of value.
Oh, and you have to relocate to Redmond.
unDees
"I call a baby goat a 'goatse.'" -- my non-Internet-savvy 6-year-old stepdaughter
A method of engaging in electronic transactions by montoring the brainwaves of one or more parties to the transaction(s).
I claim:
1)A method for engaging in electronic commerce comprising the steps of:
A)Using an electronic system to store financial and other information necessary for the completion of a trasaction.
B)Presenting a range of options consitituting a transaction by means of an electronic system generating auditory, visual, tactile or other sensory cues.
C)Monitoring the alpha and theta brainwaves of the parties to the transaction during the presentation of sensory cues about the transaction.
C)Dynamically assessing the level of variation in alpha and theta brainwaves recorded during the display of sensory cues regarding the transaction and creating a record of peak brainwave activity associated with the sensory cues.
D)Creating electronic messages using the data stored in A to effect the option(s) selected in C.
Wow! Great link... That is truly scary.
Ideally, one would have many more clicks, so as to wear out the mouse and generate more revenue from dual interest shared ventures wherein the commerce site has part ownership in its vendors such as the mice companies.- --
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There are some odd things afoot now, in the Villa Straylight.
your sig needs a- -----
tag
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There are some odd things afoot now, in the Villa Straylight.
just as easily done in DHTML. or an activeX component... I've done it in both for sites, but what does ease of creation have to do with patentability?- ----------------
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There are some odd things afoot now, in the Villa Straylight.
I didn't invent it, and I don't use it, but perhaps it'd stop showing up in here so frequently if someone enforced royalties on it and whatnot.- -------
and quite frankly, I want to be able to post more than once a minute. even twice would be fine.
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There are some odd things afoot now, in the Villa Straylight.
ther is much prior art similar enough that you will run into some problems with that - solely within the special effects industry and their software. granted, it ain't real life, but I've seen more annoying court descrepancies- --
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There are some odd things afoot now, in the Villa Straylight.
yeah, she's usually pretty good about that. at least better than slashdot. when your mom isn't in seattle she's here sucking my dick too.- ------
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There are some odd things afoot now, in the Villa Straylight.
similar, but this is no game... this is a lifestyle.- -------------
granted... a loser lifestyle... but mine nonetheless
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There are some odd things afoot now, in the Villa Straylight.
The one-button keyboard [patent pending].
Originally inspired by the useful but obvious "Last X" function of the Hewlett-Packard RPN calculators (no prior art here!), the "Next X" function [patent pending] obviates all other "keys" (TM) (including but not restricted to the keys of accordions, computer keyboards, locks, etc.), "buttons" (TM) (including but not restricted to the buttons of mice and other mammals, male and female apparel, etc.) or similar devices [patent pending]. This function (which is accessed via one of the aforementioned keys, buttons or input devices, hard-wired [patent pending] to the user interface) will also utilise "Layer 0 Tunneling" to travel forward in time (thus anticipating the desires of the user), return to the present and enter the data that the aforesaid user would otherwise have been compelled to enter manually. This will have the added benefit of making redundant the use of programming languages (hope I'm not infringing anybody else's patent, etc., here), since computers will henceforth be programmed by the future, itself.
As soon as the tachyon has been modified to transport physical particles [patent pending], this patent will implement the ultimate revolution in on-line shopping, as the computer, or Generic On-line Device (GOD), ever aware of the mind [patent pending] and present and future needs of the user, will then instantly place orders for everything the individual user will ever need during the rest of his or her lifetime, retrieving such articles from the future, where necessary, long before such trivia emerges from the mental morass in which humanity is presently wallowing.
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants (TM) were standing on my shoulders [patent pending]."
Dogbert beat you to it. He tells Dilbert he's patented Zero-Click shopping and then tells him (paraphrased): "You better click something or I'm going to have to ship you some books." - alex
Method: A system to completely automate the tasks required to spam innocent media consumers with hype, badgering, vaporware, and nonsense about any of the following: 1) The Government and Politics 2) The Software Industry 3) Religious Entities 4) The Internet 5) Napster This system is automatically designed to reconfigure itself when necessary to abuse new communications systems on the fly. It currently supports the following: 1) Television 2) Radio 3) Telephony 4) The Internet 5) Napster Clients 6) Full page advertising in porn magazines
Abuse my rationalization of rhetoric as either metaphor or monotomy.
I am making and mp3 of the comman sounds a person hears when they are dialing into thier ISP.
I won't be the one suing you. The RIAA will be. and if it's on napster god help us all heads will role!
"Using the method of javascript to change the predefined location of an image to a new, precached image of the same size and appearance, but with a different artistic feel and vice versa" Seriously, I've been using this method for almost 3 years, the web page with my first use even has Y2K errors!
Passwords!! I will patent the use of alpha-numeric passwords. All passwords will now have to a pattern of mouse movements which I will also patent but sell for less.
c# - Wait, it's not pronounced coctothorpe?
I'd like to patent the use of intergalatic worm holes. Any man/alien made object used to pass through "worm holes", theoric black holes, or anything of the like, I'd like to patent for the reason of "human safety". Before any object is passed through these holes in space, I will enforce a team of Oompa Loompas sized men to enspect the "ship", and to asure the user of any possible problems. This enspection will run up a cost of $476,364,923,400,000,000, in current hour (3:52 EST, Oct. 10, 2000) value. (that's in American currency). Anyone who tries to pass through these objects will be sued for the enspection fee, and any future fees will be doubled. If the user of these ships does not make the passage safely, then their imedate family will be pentalized.
Of course, the Oompa Loompa thing doesn't need to be enforced, the rest is a good idea!!
www.netsyndrome.net -- designs.netsyndrome.net -- www.mobileasses.com
A method using electronic mail or similar technology to disseminate advertising materials or other information to many different computer users who have not specifically requested the information, and including procedures to "harvest" target electronic mail addresses from public message forums and directories, and online registrations that include fields similar to "Uncheck this box if you do not want SPAM" where the user is required to take extra action to avoid being the target of SPAM.
Abstract: A process by which a group of carbon-based compounds spontaneously replicate and regenerate, increasing its overall mass and producing energy.
A process has been created by which common carbon-based substances known as amino acids, are combined in such a manner that they begin to utilize other substances for the production of energy, some of which is utilized by increasing the mass of the substance. In rare occasions, specilization of certain areas of the substance have been known to occur, in which collections of specialized substance (which shall henceforth be referred to as a "cell") work at specific functions. For example, in one test, certain cells were noticed to be specializing in a pumping action, moving fluids throughout the mass to other cells.
This substance seems to utilize another sugar-based helix-like substance (known as dioxyribose nucleic acid, patent pending) as a blueprint for what cell will perform various functions.
something very similar to what you outlined is used in the book"Essential CSS and DHTML for proffesionals" by Dan Livingston & Micah Brown, so i doubt that its a patentable idea unless the went back in time and used decided to use your idea as a way to teach people how to use DHTML.
..................EVOL!
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One, Two, Three , Four
I'm patenting:
a) a procedure to deliver information by the modulation of sound waves in a gaseous medium. The procedure, which from now on will be referred to as "Speaking"(tm), can deliver data packets (or "sentences"(tm)) on short distance, and will use
b) a semantic code, which from now on will be referred to as "Language"(tm), to ensure the understanding of the information delivered "Speaking"(tm) only by the recipients possessing the same "Language"(tm) set of the sender.
--
Seipse "Slave, I've set my life upon a cast, and I will stand the hazard of the die." W.Shakespeare "Richard III", act
By the use of a CPU, high, and low level programming languages, I am patenting the use of a bit shift for multiplication or division by 2, in a binary digit system.
Currently the accepted form of multiplication and division by 2 is to do a multiply or division. This is known to take exceedingly long periods of time to compute. I am patenting the ability to shift the binary representation of a number left or right. This accomplishes the same functionality, but at less cost of speed and memory.
Patent frames... i did it first with two lynx browsers open side by side back in the days... i originated it - and i also have a film of me doing it, so i can patent the idea right?
Aminal - DRUMMS!!
A couple posts are similar to this, but I take it one step farther.
The ability for a user to drag an graphical or textual digital representation of an object, using a pointing device, into a specified region of the screen. Once the item is in the specified area of the screen, a transaction occurs that is transparent to the user. This may include, but is not limited to tranactions such as processing an order for shipping usings billing and shipping information previously entered by the user. The transaction itself may occur at the time the item is "deposited", or at a later time or date.
Trademarks will include 1-drag, iDrag, DragQueen, and eDrag. (iDrag will only be available on Apple platforms, eDrag will only be available on IBM eServers.)
-Pete
Soccer Goal Plans
This patent is to protect the technology to create "ice cubes"(tm). You place a tray (pictured) filled with water in the freezer, and a few hours later you have Ice Cubes (tm). Note that the size of the cubes varies, and that they can be shaped rectangular or other various shapes as outlined in Attachment #9a. These Ice Cubes (tm) can be used to chill drinks, foodstuffs and other substances, and in crushed form (refer to patent application #21,184,388) to treat bruises and swelling.
/there/"
--
MotorMachineMercenary
"I'm just not
- Patrick Bateman
"We have an A-Bomb...what more do you want, mermaids?" --I.I. Rabi, speaking in defense of Robert Oppenheimer
A method to taunt an adversary through a simple but effective manipulation of the five fingers of either or both hand(s). When a person feels the need to berate, reproach, denounce, lambaste or just plain piss off an antagonist, he or she folds the fingers into a fist, extends his or her arm with the folded fingers facing him or herself, and then deliberately unfolding his middle finger. Facial expressions, verbal taunts and a general hostile demeanor may be added for improved efficiency. An important note for the Office to consider is that this is an almost universally acknowledged method of reprisal, and that it also works in noisy surroundings, through windows, and language barriers.
/there/"
--
MotorMachineMercenary
"I'm just not
- Patrick Bateman
"We have an A-Bomb...what more do you want, mermaids?" --I.I. Rabi, speaking in defense of Robert Oppenheimer
Found this patent #669 in the USPTO archives dating back to 1790s (note how cute it is how they have failed to trademark some obvious names for new technologies!):
/there/"
Gupta Advanced Water(tm) Distribution system (GAWD)(r) is a centralized method to distribute water(tm) to a large group of customers. This is achieved through a sophisticated network of "pipes", measuring the output of water(tm) with "meters" and giving the end-user the ability to control the amount of water(tm) received through "faucets". This patent is an extension to the earlier Wells and Buckets patent #47 by the Drexel Utilities of Maryland.
--
MotorMachineMercenary
"I'm just not
- Patrick Bateman
"We have an A-Bomb...what more do you want, mermaids?" --I.I. Rabi, speaking in defense of Robert Oppenheimer
Actually...
Patent on a "Vehicle Wheel"
Said patent claims to have rights to the wheel, including "an annular rim, a central hub and a plurality of spoke rim portions running between the rim and hub... HMMMMMMMN
How about "U.S. Patent No. 5,120,657, for a "gene gun" that shoots foreign genes into soybean cells, was followed by a European patent for exclusive rights to any and all genetically altered soybeans, created by any method whatsoever."
Or... "U.S. Patent No. 5,401,504 was issued for the use of turmeric in healing wounds--a part of Indian medicine that probably predates Hippocrates."
HMMMN...
grabbed these from cpcn.com, did other research for the wheel patent, you honestly COULD get away with just about any thing *ANY*thing
Jeremy
I would like to patent feet. I fugure this is a great way to selectively hit the people who most need to be hit. Like Microsoft. The Microsoft slogan would have to be "Where do you want to not walk today?" otherwise i would haev to sue them based on the fact that it is a blatant and gross undermining of my product. At the same time, the geeks, coders, hackers, and people who operate Zambonis wouldn't give a pair of dingoes kidneys about it since i mean, come on, when was the last time YOU moved?
That and i will also be trademarking the combination of chemicals to make the scent of fresh cut grass. I would like to state that- oh, nevermind, i guess i missed the bus on that one. Damn.
I think I'll also be patenting Natalie Portman. Because I-CANN.
.cig - what you do after winning a good flame war
A method of using building materials including bricks, wood, glass or similar technology to produce a series "Virutal E-Commerce" Situs that, when "entered" by a customer allows the customer to "purchase" and take "delivery", in real time, one or more items selected and placed in a "Virtual E-Commerce" shopping cart and taken to a "Vitual E Commerce" cash register where the transaction is completed.
"Virtual E-Commerce" has sever major benefits over the traditional E-Commerce site including, but not limited to: No need for the customer to use or own a computer; Customer takes immediated delivery of mechandise; No back orders as "Vitual E-Commerce" keeps the customer from buying out of stock merchandise, and; Customer handles all the shipping from the "Virtual E-Commerce" site to his or her preffered place of delivery, be it home, work, friends house, or other location.
I claim the patent called "Method of Identification" which allows any site to recognize a registered visitor by means of a key (I'll call this a "username") and a value (I'll call this one a "password"). Any site that attempts to identify users in this way will be contacted by my lawyers or by my big brother Stu (my choice).
I also claim the patent for the unary M.O.I., otherwise known as the "secret handshake."
ChicagoFan
SECTION 1
This section describes the scope and function of the patent.
The patent is for a business method covering transactions between two parties through an electronic meduim with a third-party intermediary, thereby obviating the need for a physical presence or exchange.
SECTION 2
This section describes the parties involved and their roles.
This method involves a party of the first part (heretofore known as "CUSTOMER"), a party of the second part (heretofore known as "VENDOR"), and a third party that will serve as an intermediary and facilitator (heretofore known as "VISA").
SECTION 3
This section describes the method that is the subject of the patent.
The Buyer, wishing to enter into a transaction for goods or services known to be offered by the Seller, acquired a code from Visa that, although not linked to stocks, bonds, or other fungible or liquid assets, serves as a guarantee (or "account") that a transaction has been agreed upon and will be executed in accordance with the Buyer's agreement with Visa. The Buyer then can present this code to the Vendor, and Vendor can conduct a transaction based on the Buyer's electronic transmission of this account code or number indicating a willingness to enter into a transaction. The goods indicated by the Buyer when submitting the account code or number will be conveyed to the Buyer by the Seller by an agreed upon method of transportation, and the Seller will transmit the agreed upon details of the transaction to Visa. Visa will then bill the Buyer by standard methods.
(Better get this in before the Berman-Boucher bill comes to a vote!)
[command INSERTWITTYQUIP failed: insufficient wit]
Microcomputer Software Implicit License
Description:
A license, applied to any form of software, including but not limited to machine-readable code, that carries an implicit End User License that the end user must agree to, by whatever means necessary (Extra-sensory perception, etc.), before using the software as indicated in the License WITHOUT the need for any written or other visual indications of what the License terms may be.
"I have no special gift, I am only passionately curious." - Albert Einstein
I've developed VRML frontend to the X-10 control software heyu. By navigating my virtual room and clicking on appliances, I can turn them on and off without leaving the comfort of my chair.
I would like to register several revolutionary new technologies which I have developed.
Firstly: A system by which a SOUL(tm, already copyrighted, Single-Object-User-Level) can interact in a virtual reality environment of an extremely high grade with the aforesaid environment, as well as other SOULs using this interface, through an organic DNA-computer-driven hardware system (known as a BODY- Biological Object Designed for You). This interface shall be copyrighted under the trademark LIFE - Live Interface For Everything.
Secondly, once SOULs have completed their turn on the time-sharing LIFE interface, they can be sent to the secondary debug interface known as DEATH (tm, Designated-Endlevel-After-Humanstate), from which they shall be booted to one of two tertiary interfaces, HELL or HEAVEN, depending on their "karma"(tm) score while in the top level.
Thirdly, having patented these GUIs, I would like to register the following with the USPTO:
a) The non-GUI sublevel known as the Universe
b) The 'root' superuser account, known as GOD (Infringing uses of this trademark term have already been discovered, notably a in a book claiming that it is the Bible (when that term was already copyrighted as of 10/10/2000) and in a rogue system known as Slashcode).
c) "Everything else" as a trademark protection patent, to prevent malicious hackers from abusing our setup.
Thank you.
-raph
Nah, that doesn't hurt.
I'd like to patent the molecular bond that forms between two hydrogen atoms and an oxygen atom to form a little molecule called H2O.
With a patent on water, they'd have to pay me royalties to drink water, eat foods, even live. The body is made up of 90% water (or something like that). If they don't pay... well too bad!
Perhaps I need a patent on the PeopleDehyrator 2000 as well...
I am actually making my patent broad and far reaching so i can sue for all elitist behavior. Yes that covers anti-jockism and anti-homeyism. Poor homies and jocks, what did they ever do to you. Homies just rap, is that so wrong. And Dennis Kliebold if you can hear me in hell, I'm suing your daddy! Your going down motherf*$%#@
Oh, wait, someone already thought of that one. Damn.
If you're not wasted, the day is.
If you're not wasted, the day is.
Hum. . .how about I patent the Bit. Essentially, if I were to patent that, I would be able to control anything stored, created, or used electonically, down the the Patent System.
The number 42 being the most important number in all of existence needs to be protected. My patent would keep the knowledge of the aforementioned number out of the hands of those whom would use the knowledge contained in it for purposes of scientific discovery. This patent covers everything you'll ever need to know.
----
It's a bit more creative that patenting Air/respiration isn't it.
"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know."
-- Ernest Hemingway
al gore and i are working to patent the internet. i think all the proceeds will just be donations to the gore campaign. ;\
How about a little paperclip bastard that pops up in the corner to tell you the virtues of any given product on your site as you browse and assists you in your purchase?
:}
Just so you get a life like experience you could have a pencil pop up and try to steal the sale from the paperclip.
Wisdom is rare, my web site can only be viewed with lynx!
Process of taking several sheets of cushionny-soft sanitary paper and wiping the remnants of fecal matter from one's intra-gluteal area. Dependant on number of wipes, process shall be called "N-wipe cleaning."
Praying for the end of your wide-awake nightmare.
Bulletproof pillow anyone?
When travelling, it's ok if the airlines lose your emotional baggage.
1) Approved patent requests are reviewed, using a sophisticated deterministic algorithm, by a monodecadic aged individual to determine whether stated improvements or methods for accomplishing said improvements are "obvious" to this individual.
2) In the event that the approved patent fails the review, forceful application of an appropriately shod lower extremity to the gluteus maximus of the associated Patent Office personnel is provided as immediate feedback.
In other words, if it's obvious to a 10 year old child, kick the reviewer(s) in the ass!
"Bite me, it's fun!" - Crowe T. Robot
A method by which a complex engineering project is commissioned by means of creating a mathematical representation of the project requirements within a digital programmable computer. Acceptance of the project deliverables is dependent on successful demonstration of similarity between the performance of the actual hardware and the digital representation.
Patent: Simulation Based e-Aquisition
A business process identical to that listed above, with the transaction being conducted over the global internet.
flossie
Write now. Defend liberty
According to the teachings of our Grand Poobah, nothing existed before he came into existance roughly two minutes ago. His Grand imagination created all of you and the collection of lies you call "history", including all other religions of the world. In other words, the Grand Poobah created religion itself, and he requests a patent on it to stop all of these infidel religions that also came into being. They are trying to take His intellectual property, and it must be stopped. Once He has the patent, He will levy a tax of 25% of all donations given to all religions except His own, and they will only be allowed to have services from 4:00 to 6:00 AM on Mondays. All other times of the week are reserved for the Grand Poobah alone, and infringing upon His time will result in a cease and desist letter from our lawyers. We are currently in the process of printing billions of them to send to all the infidels that do not recognize our imminent patent.
Karma: Terrifying (mostly affected by atrocities you've committed)
We're coming surprisingly close to this. So, I thought I'd offer it up. If I'd done it a week ago, it'd probably be a shoe in.
:-D
Psychic Shopping network
You get within 3 pixels of the icon of your desired item and it magically hops in the shopping cart. No need to check out- just close your browser.
Spinoff: The Psychic Advertisers Network- the banner ads act the same way as the item icons above.
One variation: You visit a site and your cart automatically gets loaded up.
The vendors ought to love this concept. But, Amazon keep your hands off- this patent is mine.
The Black Hole
I would like to patent a Business process whereby a representative or representatives of a company or business organization, hereafter known as the company, hereafter refered to as co reps, tell a customer and/or supplier, hereafter known as the sap, one thing, heareafter refered to as the lie, execute an agreement saying another thing, hereafterknownas what the company may be forced to do if our lawyers screw up, and do a completely different thing, HAKA what we think will get us the most money. This process may be applied to the saps as often as possible.
An adjuct to this process is paying protection money ^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^ giving campaign contributions to members of the entity responsible for making the saps feeel as though they have recourse under the law.
A review of patents finds no prior patent filings. An examination of prior art finds numerous accounts of this process being used by others against various entities, but no entity that claims prior use.
If I get this patent, I will license it only to nice companies and sue only bad companies for infringement.
Allen Buck
sed 's/commun/terror/g' mccarthy > bush; sed 's/terror/saddam/g' bush > bush_wacked
For those who don't:
1) You're not allowed to patent something that you didn't actually invent.
2) You're not allowed to patent something 'obvious' [and before you complain, see point (4)].
3) You're not allowed to patent something that someone else has already patented.
4) If, by some chance, you
I am not a lawyer, but these things are as obvious to me, as they should be to anyone else. With Slashdot's intelligent, world-savvy, IT-literate population, this contest should have been quite funny, with parodies and stupid (even interesting ideas) galore, vying for the top spot. What went wrong?
--
...or am I missing something?
A method of personal locomotion, usually performed in groups, wherein one puts on a display of one's prowess, dexterity and knowledge of said movements. This procedure is usually set to music (with vocals instructing the participants on the movements in real-time), and often performed in Establishments Where Roller-Skating Commences (patent pending), or small organization gatherings known as Lock-Ins (patent pending). The method of locomotion is detailed as follows:
[1] a) The practitioner places his or her right foot in,
b) The practitioner places his or her right foot out,
c) The practitioner places his or her right foot back in,
d) The practitioner shakes the right foot "all about".
e) The practitioner performs the method of personal locomotion,
f) The practitioner turns him or herself around 360 degrees,
1) Items (a) through (f) are what this patent are all about.
[2] a) The practitioner places his or her left foot in,
b) The practitioner places his or her left foot out,
c) The practitioner places his or her left foot back in,
d) The practitioner shakes the left foot "all about".
e) The practitioner performs the method of personal locomotion,
f) The practitioner turns him or herself around 360 degrees,
1) Items (a) through (f) are what this patent are all about.
[3] a) The practitioner places his or her right hand in,
b) The practitioner places his or her right hand out,
c) The practitioner places his or her right hand back in,
d) The practitioner shakes the right hand "all about".
e) The practitioner performs the method of personal locomotion,
f) The practitioner turns him or herself around 360 degrees,
1) Items (a) through (f) are what this patent are all about.
[4] a) The practitioner places his or her left hand in,
b) The practitioner places his or her left hand out,
c) The practitioner places his or her left hand back in,
d) The practitioner shakes the left hand "all about".
e) The practitioner performs the method of personal locomotion,
f) The practitioner turns him or herself around 360 degrees,
1) Items (a) through (f) are what this patent are all about.
[5] a) The practitioner places his or her right side in,
b) The practitioner places his or her right side out,
c) The practitioner places his or her right side back in,
d) The practitioner shakes the right side "all about".
e) The practitioner performs the method of personal locomotion,
f) The practitioner turns him or herself around 360 degrees,
1) Items (a) through (f) are what this patent are all about.
[6] a) The practitioner places his or her left side in,
b) The practitioner places his or her left side out,
c) The practitioner places his or her left side back in,
d) The practitioner shakes the left side "all about".
e) The practitioner performs the method of personal locomotion,
f) The practitioner turns him or herself around 360 degrees,
1) Items (a) through (f) are what this patent are all about.
[7] a) The practitioner places his or her nose in,
b) The practitioner places his or her nose out,
c) The practitioner places his or her nose back in,
d) The practitioner shakes the nose "all about".
e) The practitioner performs the method of personal locomotion,
f) The practitioner turns him or herself around 360 degrees,
1) Items (a) through (f) are what this patent are all about.
[8] a) The practitioner places his or her tail in,
b) The practitioner places his or her tail out,
c) The practitioner places his or her tail back in,
d) The practitioner shakes the tail "all about".
e) The practitioner performs the method of personal locomotion,
f) The practitioner turns him or herself around 360 degrees,
1) Items (a) through (f) are what this patent are all about.
[9] a) The practitioner places his or her head in,
b) The practitioner places his or her head out,
c) The practitioner places his or her head back in,
d) The practitioner shakes the head "all about".
e) The practitioner performs the method of personal locomotion,
f) The practitioner turns him or herself around 360 degrees,
1) Items (a) through (f) are what this patent are all about.
[10] a) The practitioner places his or her whole self in,
b) The practitioner places his or her whole self out,
c) The practitioner places his or her whole self back in,
d) The practitioner shakes the whole self "all about".
e) The practitioner performs the method of personal locomotion,
f) The practitioner turns him or herself around 360 degrees,
1) Items (a) through (f) are what this patent are all about.
A method for announcing contests on a website that uses a gift certificate at ThinkGeek as a reward for the winner.
Don't forget that the BLINK is also perfect for overnight storage of the organic lens system!
A process or a method by which a chemical element/physical particle or a compound is delivered to a complicated mechanical/biological/electronic structure. Process involves binding of the said element or compound with other elements and/or compounds, which in turn are distributed throughout the said structure and deposited at their destination. The chamicals being distributed and the carrier elements/compounds may be in form of liquid/powder/plasma or any other suitable state.
In other words, most chem processes, including breathing.
m
What with one-click shopping, no-click shopping, point and click shopping, and keyboard shopping, I can't help but think that the indecisive of the world should have an option. "Whereas it is altogether too easy to buy stuff on the web, I propose to patent a way to cancel any purchases made with a computer by using a computer. In any way. It being common knowledge that the only way to get out of an on-line purchase is to call a non-responsive 800 number, I think having a way to use the instrument of your destruction as an instrument of your salvation is a good thing. If you disagree, please call 1-800- TUFLUCK."
Can I patent the idea of open sourcing projects but then open source the patent so that everyone can use it? Only seems fair.
That way I can make a fortune on licencing from Micro$oft.
United States Patent  1+i
Lehman October 10, 2000
Advertising in the NooSphere via NooBoards
Abstract
The placement of an advertisment meme into NooSpace via dynamic texigraphical insertion. Specifically: Creation of a NooBoard as a dynamic texigraphical representation of a advertisement meme. Creation of a NooForge as a dynamic textigraphical representation of a NooSphere working environment. Insertion of the NooBoard into the NooForge via dynamic textigraphical insertion.
Inventors: Lehman; Steeg (1 NooPlace, NooWhere, United State of Noo)
Appl. No.: 1-i
Filed: October 10, 2000
Information about the user will be gathered from a varierty of sources (Motorola, CueCat database, Double-Click, Slashdot profiles, etc.). Credit card information will be obtained from Western Union or any other readily available online source.
Feeding this information through an artificial neural network trained on a catalogue will produce a list of the items the user would have most likely purchased had they ever bothered to visit the online site where the items are for sale.
These items are then automatically sent to the user and his/her credit card is debited accordingly, thus providing a convenient online shopping experience without the bother of even starting the browser.
----------------------------------- My Other Sig Is Hilarious -----------------------------------
In 1991 I invented masturbation single handedly.
A technology wherebye two parties may avoid the bartering process. Bank notes shall be issued, which at any time may be returned to their source for a preset amount of precious metals. These banknotes shall be used to represent the transfer of wealth in an exchange between two parties. The party recieving the goods or services shall provide the delivering party with an agreed upon amount of precious metals, represented by the bank notes. Further application of this patent is the ability to trade electronic versions of these banknotes in a computer network.
I'm out of my mind right now, but feel free to leave a message.....
This one is completely non-obvious and potentially groundbreaking! Using a computer to computer transaction ACROSS AN INTERNATIONAL BORDER, utilise cookies to facilitate an international trade agreement resulting in the shipment of goods across the same international border. This patent has the merit of stimulating international trade and foreign currency exchange. The reason that this patent is non-obvious is because no one currently purchases goods from another country. Certainly no one purchases DVDs from another region in order to legally play them on chipped players. I think I can get the RIAA to back me up on this.
This submission summarizes a novel application of quantum mechanical principles through which illumination may be generated. According to the Bohr model of the atom, electrons may only occupy discrete energy levels. When electrons are disturbed through energy incident upon the atom, their orbital level may change. Energy deposited to the atom will shift electrons to higher energy states, and hence higher orbitals. After a time, the electron will relax and fall to its original orbital state relasing a photon of light whose frequency is proportional to the energy original delivered to the electron. While the transitions of a single electron in a single hydrogen atom amount to an insignificant volume of light, economies of scale come into play with multiproton atoms and large aggregates of atoms, producing a usable illumination. Electrons may be stimulated through chemical reactions, electric current, or even photons of light incident upon the atom.
Okay, this is the best I can come up with after not having done Q&M for almost a decade. I toyed with the idea of actually filing this patent after reading about how Pepsi patented the color blue. But, hey, I have car payments to make.
I've decided to take out a patent on the right (also known as the 90-degree) angle. I therefore demand royalities for the use of the characters:
ERTPLHFDB45t...
I also demand royalties for all established buildings (those that are built in the normal fashion, anyhow), bridges, etc. etc.
(Sorry... I ran out of energy and decided not to list EVERYTHING that uses my patented angle--I'm sure my lawyer(s) can fax you a full list)
*cough*IknowIforgot*cough*
... and the people would sing many praises unto me. (Caveat: I really am a patent lawyer. If the moderators feel this should disqualify me, so be it.) I claim: 1) A method of advertising products and services comprising the steps of: A) Selecting a plurality of products or services to be advertised; B) Preparing a plurality of statements regarding the products or services to be advertised; C) Preparing a message containing the statements which can be transmitted via an electronic messaging system; D) Obtaining a plurality of addresses to which the message can be transmitted using the electronic messaging system, and; E) Transmitting the message to the addresses using the electronic messaging system. 2) The method of Claim 1, wherein the addresses are obtained randomly and the message is transmitted to all addresses so obtained. 3) The method of Claim 1 or Claim 2, wherein the process is repeated indefinitely. 4) The method of Claim 1 or Claim 2, wherein the addresses include at least one centralized message serving location. 5) The method of Claim 3, wherein the addresses include at least one centralized message serving location. D (I'm sure you got it - this is a spoiler for the other guy. This is a patent on SPAM. There is also an objectionable use of language in the claim. First person to email me with what it is wins one lollypop.)
I claim:
1) A method of advertising products and services comprising the steps of:
A) Selecting a plurality of products or services to be advertised;
B) Preparing a plurality of statements regarding the products or services to be advertised;
C) Preparing a message containing the statements which can be transmitted via an electronic messaging system;
D) Obtaining a plurality of addresses to which the message can be transmitted using the electronic messaging system, and;
E) Transmitting the message to the addresses using the electronic messaging system.
2) The method of Claim 1, wherein the addresses are obtained randomly and the message is transmitted to all addresses so obtained.
3) The method of Claim 1 or Claim 2, wherein the process is repeated indefinitely.
4) The method of Claim 1 or Claim 2, wherein the addresses include at least one centralized message serving location.
5) The method of Claim 3, wherein the addresses include at least one centralized message serving location.
D
(I'm sure you got it - this is a spoiler for the other guy. This is a patent on SPAM. There is also an objectionable use of language in the claim. First person to email me with what it is wins one lollypop.)
A method of protecting Intellectual Property where the applicant requesting protection of their Intellectual Property agrees at the time of application that they are no longer the owner of the property in question.
All of the Intellectual Property and a large sum of money are to be immediately surrender at the time of application to ME!
A means by which "programmers" allow for bi-directional software logic flow. Nicknamed "if", this construct allows one to direct program flow based solely on my un-obvious and completely original idea of conditional logic. An example in english would be "IF I want to trick innocent people into paying me money for their use of thought, THEN you must grant me this 'patent.' ELSE talk to my team of high priced lobbyists."
C++ programmers do it with class.
Perl hackers do it quick and dirty.
I've gotta learn perl.
I want to patent the way one has to sit at a computer desk. Legs under desk and hands on mouse and keyboard. Left or Right handedness doesn't matter. So Anyone not standing up or pulling a full buddha lotus position has to pay up. Large bills only no coins please. King Zombie
A technique by which multiple individuals may work together to create new market needs through a "friction based process" wherein at least one XY-chromosome based customer interfaces with at least one XX-chromosome based customer to create a new XX or XY-based trainable customer with not only their own market needs, but a combination of market needs of the original customers.
Yes, I'd like to patent sex.
Whoopeeee!
On behalf of Victoria's Secret, I would like to patent cleavage as they are obviously the inventor of the male attracting aparatus known as cleavage. Their tool for creating this strange and yet powerful device is underwire.
Well...we're all used to having the width larger than the height on a window...i'm tired of that...It's time to accomodate the Side scroll or better known as "Side Bar." This browser will pop up rotated 90 CCW. Therefore giving a larger height to the page than width. Of course this requires that all users rotate their silly little monitors when they use it...or tilt theer heads, but that can hurt (we are not responsible for any damages taken by you, and don't reccomend that you do this by youself, we use professional monitor turners, and never tilt our necks!).
I think this would bring more ability and design capability to the net, and will definately cauze people to do odd things with their monitors.
Now we need not only a back and forth swiverl on the monitor, but a full side swivel as well!!!
"Time is long and life is short, so begin to live while you still can." -EV
$59 mouse? (Score:2, Funny) by Gothmolly on Saturday September 30, @09:32PM EDT (#103) (User #148874 Info)
I don't care if it's "clickless" shopping, I am not paying $59 for a mouse.
I want to delete my account but Slashdot doesn't allow it.
"This patent covers the method of reproducing, cloning or copying carbon based bipeds by the method of non-asexual reproduction. This method is defined by direct internal contact of a cbb (carbon based biped) with an external protuberation of another cbb."
Sounds good - yeah or nah? Let's hope the UK government doesn't finance 60million UKP to encourage people to stay virgins or else I won't get any money from this patent...
Richy C.
--
I herby declare patent rights on my mom. Anyone wanting to have such a relationship with a female will owe me 0.05 cents per pound of mom used per year. Anyone using a non-mom type female for mom like activity* will owe me 0.00001 cents per pound per transaction. Any current auctions of moms or mom like activity* on ebay must cease and desist or face legal proceedings. *tasks in line with getting a plate of cookies and milk
My patent:
Brent Jones, and affiliates filed for a patent today that deals with something we take for granted everyday when browsing the web.
Have you ever wondered how they got multiple domains running on a single IP webserver? Simple, ServerAlias. By adding aliases to the server it will recieve the domain request from the client, and direct you to that domain on the server.
By patenting this otherwise non-patented tool, Brent Jones and associates, if they so choose, could ask for royalty fees from millions of websites for using the ServerAlias function.
Royalties would be collected as per-use, meaning each time a website gets a hit, and is using the ServerAlias function, a royalty will be charged.
This patent applies to only Apache, because Microsoft already patented thier own version of ServerAlias into thier IIS 4 and 5.
Pretty good huh? =)
Heres another one.
This document hereby states that Brent Jones and associates legal upholding of the left wrist watch wearing technique.
Although done for hundreds of years, consumers wearing thier watch on thier left wrist will need to pay royalties to Brent Jones and Associates for un-consented usage of thier left wrist as a watch placement mechanism.
This patent covers the whole area of the wrist, wether the watch be facing down or up, and partial left arm area.
Hows that for a stupid patent!?
Systems Administrator
Servu Networks
http://www.servuhome.net
Brent Jones
A diskless information backup and retrieval sytstem allows computer users to store and retrieve arbitrary amounts of information using only a computer and a network connection. Each file to be stored is attached to a mail message headed "MAKE $$$$ FAST" and sent to 10 friends. The user can retrieve the file from the net at any time over the next 10 years, at least.
Lost: one sig, witty, 120 chars, sentimental value. Reward offered.
A method in which any form of electricity is supplied to the end user via any type of electrical conducting cables to allow electronic devices to operate.
The full method in which a company or person, the Suer, uses to try to force another person or company, the Suie, to stop some action they are doing. The following are included:
All Suer's will be forced to pay said owner of this patent for usage of this patent. Payment is determined by said owner.
This patent is retro-active to the beginning of time.
1. Patent the idea for registering ideas through a central US authority for Intellectual Property Rights, just in case someone else comes up with the idea too. 2. The process for collecting money from citizens by deducting it from their weekly pay check. Also patent the idea of submitting a numbered form 4 months into the year reminding the collecting authority how much they took.
The proposed patent will aid in further causing cashflow in the united states economy in the following methods:
- STARTUP will be able to take over MOTHERSHIP^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H continue our relationship with MOTHERSHIP in order to further aid US economy.
Thankyou for chosing Digital Convergence, and stay in schoolP.S. The money is in the attached bag.
a method to make 'first posts' impossible or unlikely by randomly modulating the servers' clocks with small time offsets.
;-) )
(it was not easy to post this - damn lameness filter
A system that allows the user, via use of their mobile telephone using a WAP phone and their telephone number as an identification mechanism to browse a shopping cart based WAPsite and order items using a single press of the activation button on the WAP phone.
Since this process does not involve a 'click' it does not fall under the jurisdiction of a prior patent.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. (Einstein)
It's pretty obvious that I get used by scores of people everyday, so why not make a little money on it?
managers...why god invented purgatory
Patent applied for system to reflect (echo) a user's action on a remote piece of hardware onto a visual display medium. Sample applications include displaying typing from the input device to a screen to aid in error proofing user input...
Oops, that should be http://www.thinkgeek.com/ (not http://www.think.com/).
Yes, a mouse, whose position is determined and beamed back to your pc via the miracle technology of GPS.
"Would it kill you to put down the toilet seat?" -- Maya Angelou
The refresh rate would be really crappy, but, hook a few motors up to your Etch-a-sketch(tm), hooked into your video card, and have the screen draw on the Etch-a-sketch. That would be cool. Extra points for building the math to calculate the unbroken line.
On the plus side, it would be a flat-panel display! But, no colors.
"Would it kill you to put down the toilet seat?" -- Maya Angelou
A javascript "virus" which sets a porno picture as the user's wallpaper.
"Would it kill you to put down the toilet seat?" -- Maya Angelou
A device that, at the push of a button, will extent a cup holder from a computer. Said cup holder will retract back into the computer with a second push of the button. The cup holder will also be able to store portable versions called Cup Depositories (CD) or Delicious Vittle Depositories (DVD). The CD is shiny in one side to better protect a desk from condensation from cold drinks and to relect the heat of hot drinks away from the desk while the DVD may be shiny on both sides for even better protection.
A process wherein through the vibration of certain throat muscles in a certain way and order, sound waves emit from the mouth, in such a way that anyone in a 5 mile radias may hear. Otherwise known as shouting.
Sig!
I am proposing a patent on the enter key. The enter key is the most often used key on a computer keyboard and it is the next logical step in globalization. When a user depressed the enter key it would activate a program hidden away in the computer's operating system. The program would then add $0.05 to it's memory banks. If the user continued to depress the enter key, the program would keep adding $0.05 for each time. At the end of a month the program would dial a central server and upload the charges. The server would then send the charges to the billing department where the billing system would fill in a bill and send the completed bill to shipping and receiving. There the bill would be sent out by Federal Express and devlivered to the user's home. If the user failed to reimburse us for the use of the enter key we would send over a representative to confiscate the user's keyboard.
Global Technologies Web Design - www.g-t-online.com
A method for creating a physical representation of a document or data set which exists in digital form. This includes, but is not limited to, creating "hard copy" of a document, visual representation with photons, aural presentation using sound waves, and tactile presentation using "force-feedback" technology.
Back off man!! -- Ren Hoëk
Catch me on AIM: SigningiS
I prefer a void in conversation to a vacuous one.
Excuse me, but you are describing a Chimichanga. Spaghetti Chimichanga would be probably be a better idea, since the deep fried tortilla shell would hold in the spaghetti and sauce without the soggyness assiciated with a soft tortilla.
"We're gonna need a bigger boat"
From this day, 10th of October 2000, forth the use of the words "suck", "repost", "off-topic", and others determined at a later date will be intrusted to the use of 007david with the intent of trolling. Examples of current infringement may be found among the first 4 posts to forums on the Internet hub, Slashdot.org (http://slashdot.org).
there is the small problem that you can't patent a word. you're looking for trademark... normally I wouldn't respond to something like this, but, hell, this is a contest for patents! stupid patents != redefining what a patent can cover.
ahh well, I salute you sir. :)
A method by which a customer wishing to order specific products does not have to enter any information whatsoever. This is accomplished by use of a program executed on the user's computer which will gather all needed information (credit card number/s, address, personal information, etc), pick the products the user most likely wants to buy, and complete the transaction automatically.
--
--
grep "xercist"
A method of engaging in "secure intercourse" over a digital channel or conduit by transmitting descriptions, in a variety of computer-readable formats, of activities engaged in by two (or more) parties at digital computer terminals. Such formats may include (but are not limited to) textual prose, graphical representations captured by visual I/O devices and aural media encoded with analog-digital microphonic and other aural recording paraphernalia.
Furthermore, this method applies also to delayed or retroactive voyeuristic sexual activity, in which one party at one terminal experiences through a variety of multimedial formats, the sexual activities engaged in by two (or more) parties at a point prior in time or distant in space, i.e., prerecorded at another place.
In addition, digital sexual material received by the experiencing party can be "warehoused" on that party's local storage medium, e.g., a hard drive, for later retrieval.
In addition to point-to-point delivery methods, our patent also covers many-to-one, i.e., multicast, media delivery methods.
Secure intercourse is a novel approach to copulation and more exotic sexual activities which generalizes and significantly improves on the outdated "safe sex" paradigm. First, the technology involved is entirely digital, so no mechanical or chemical prophylactic failure can occur. Second, exchange of bodily fluids is physically impossible over a digital conduit (see diagram), hence there is no danger of accidental impregnation or disease transmission. Third, in the case of prerecorded transmission, both (or, all) parties need not be simultaneously available; thus, sex becomes time-efficient for parties with incompatible schedules.
Please note that "secure intercourse" is designed for recreational sex only! We expect to submit designs for procreational digital intercourse in a few months, in association with the makers of Tamagotchi.
BH
Fools! They laughed at me at the Sorbonne...!
"An computer algoritm kind that only occours randomly, and can cause the program to terminate, or malfunction. This may also bring down the computer operating system in some cases" Anyone who makes any computer bugs from now on got to pay to me! (Microsoft, here I come!)
-Stskeeps, http://unrealircd.com
I watch the sea.
I saw it on TV.
No, Thursday's out. How about never - is never good for you?
The method of going to a website, being controlled by the nearest Patent Registry, and entering details into a custom-made text-entering facility, to register multiple patents whilst clicking the mouse only once.
Of course the text-entering facilty, the mouse, the website and the Patent Registry are already previously registered.
--
--
no sig for you. come back one year.
Patent information: Patenting the act of sex.
Not to be confused with intercourse (the act of a man and womaen mating in order to make a child). I am presenting this patent application for the act of the Male mounting the female, and then proseding with the male thrusting into and out of the female for pleasure. The act of intercourse (which is embeded into our primal instincts) is mearly just the exchange of body fluids in the hopes of creating a child. Sex is when the male and female preform a mating like ritual, whereas the main goal is to derive pleasure, and not a child. Intercourse is a freely occuring, and naturaly occuring thing. Intercourse being when a male and female plan on creating a baby, and populating the planet. That is naturaly occuring. If the whole act is done for pleasure, then that is sex, and would be occurring under un-natural circumstances and therefore would fall under my patent.
-- Spoony
winning (definition):
The act of being better.
being in first place.
being he leader.
being the one that wins.
Anyone violating my patent must forfeit all winnings (anything gotten by winning) to me and must also pay a royalty fee of $50.00
Now I can't lose... =)
I own a pattent on a method I developed many years ago. This method takes an existing cell and splits that cell into two cells that are exact copies of eachother. I call my process MITOSIS. Anyone who is currently using my porcess must CEASE and DECIST, also anyone who has used the process will be billed for it's use at 5 cents per cell produced (ten cents per MITOSIS process). Thank you.
It's probably been said already, but who has time to look through all 784 comments?
Anyway, my suggestion is as follows:
"A patent on making stupid patents . Of course, I had to pay myself to make the patent! From this point onward, all contests on patent making and all stupid patents belong to me, mwhahahaha!
... Ahem"
Well, you get the point
Anything including my name, mailing address, e-mail aliases, domain names (i thought them up), social security number, birthdate, phone numbers are here by claimed as my intelectual property. I give free license to those who contact me and abide by a specific use contract to be determined.
1) A business model in which A) a target marketspace is selected, B) a future product is announced that is far better than anything presently available, C) other products currently available are criticized for not being as good as the product in (B), D) a product resembling the product in (B) but far worse is released, E) fixes to the product in (D) are sold as new products.
Two is not equal to three, not even for very large values of two.
I think the copy-protection, would be the fact that there is a logo on the cup. If i rotate the cup, the logo is facing the other way. Therefore, I am not looking at the logo in the proper manner. Therefore, my mind is not affected by the logo's message, but merely by the coffee. Which, as you know, is not the intent of the coffee cup manufacturer. They want my mind to be in a receptive state when i drink the beverage, and my treasonous act has subverted that message.
Erm.. Whose side was I on again?
I'm peering at my coffee mug right now. You're saying if i perform a 180 rotation around the long axis of my cup, you're gonna sue me?
:)
What's the difference between a left hand and right hand cup?
Lainhart, Dylan T.
Right-Click Menus
Definitions:
XML: Leading the way to make the web a ebiz thing
Whenever trying to download a page that has any mention of the person you want to filter out, you'll get a dialog that says something like "This page contains mention of, or was written by [Person]. Do you want to view this page?".
I could use this plug-in to filter Jon Katz from the web, woohoo!
Stipulative Definitions:
[1] - "Ownership" shall be defined as being in control of an object or idea and all transgressions upon that monopoly of control is to be considered punishable by imprisonment and/or physical pain.
[2] - "Profit" is to be defined as the surplus gained from a transaction in which one party receives more equivalent material goods for the transaction. Though the other party may incur an overall loss from the transaction, the SHFAPSS will ensure that there is absolutely no choice whatsoever other than to simply minimize their net loss.
[3] - "Interest" is the added return, or profit that a lending or crediting agency receives for absolutely no work at all - it shall be their right to charge "interest" merely for the use of property that they own.
[4] - "Proletariat" - Non-propertied people that can be coerced into exchanging labor and service for barely enough material wealth to cover the cost of interest on their debts.
Operational Method:
[1] - SHFAPSS maintains social hierarchy (the population ranked by property-ownership) and aggregates wealth and power towards the top of the structure by reinforcing the cultural imperative to own goods and creating a "market" whereas all individuals are competeting for maximum ownership [of goods], either by profiting off of one another or by obtaining natural resources (see footnote).
[2] - Aggregation occurs as a result of proletariat class misconception of system as benevolent; fostering of individualism and paranoia will result in increased competition to proide labor and service, thus driving up possibilities for propertied institutions to extract profit.
[3] - Though the system is ultimately a negative-sum game (since interest on lending is taken even though no increase in material goods occurs) the effect of having more debt than credit actually accelerates the effect of aggregation as participants become more desperate^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hincentivized to re-pay debt so that increased borrowing (to increase personal ownership) occurs.
[4] - Since wealth is concentrated into the hands of a very few (the propertied class), this product can be marketed along it's blanket-statement, macroeconomic indicators which ignore such discrepanices between sub-groups.
Terms of Use: .
[1] - Property Owners wishing to use this system must alienate themselves so much from the actual modus operendi that they fail to see their gain as a systemic inevitablility, but more as a personal achievement/victory and a direct result of hard work and/or cleverness on their part.
[2] - Proletariats wishing to use this system must also blame all hardships on some sort of personal shortcoming (not circumstance) and be willing to work like a dog for little or even negative compensation until death^H^H^H^H^Htermination (at which point debts can be passed on to immediate family so that efficient profit extraction can continue).
[3] - We also need to be allowed to cover every conceivable surface and fill every possible space with advertisments
[4] - We also need governments to adopt this system and enforce it with platoons of cops.
footnote: "natural resources" - as long as there are some left to obtain, process, and sell, the total amount of debt will not out-pace the total amount of credit (or at least the interest payments). If this should occur, the SHFAPSS would greatly benefit from a sustained, world-wide military conflict.
[pink beam of light]
A business workflow that scans the patent office's database and all Internet databases and any other databases in the world and compare for any similarities for patent and/or copyright infringement. If any similarity is found, be it as small as one single bit, we will start suing all parties involved for insane compensation. The business and economic term for this business model is called "robbing".
Shit, Roblimo, your name contains a sub-string "rob" and this is infringing our trade mark and also infringing our patent (#123WTF). You have been sent a cease and desist letter. Change your name or we'll meet in court.
I am patenting the process whereby someones sight has been hampered due to the placement of their optical sensors in the lower human excretory oriface. Known better as Cranial REctal Inversion - or Head up ones Ass......
A means to identify and record the exact biochemical signature that a copyrighted work evokes in the brain of a user. Whenever a user accesses this protected work, they can be conveniently charged an automatic micro-payment royalty fee during nightly meter downloads via a common telephone line. This technology will enable hassle-free file sharing and protect the financial interests of content producers and marketers. Also included in this patent are all surgical procedures involved in implanting the thought meter (as well as a 56k modem) into the users brain, and associated technology allowing the thought meter to directly generate convenient and inobtrusive thought advertising to complement existing thoughts.
"Don't you know you're going to shock the monkey?"- Peter Gabriel
I would definitely start a company that would store, free of charge, anyone's PIN number or password for fast and easy retrieval. The numbers/passwords would ONLY be viewed by site administrators. (me) To retrieve your PIN or password, you would have to supply your PIN and password to verify the account. Of course, this service would only be available for Corporate Executives making in excess of 100k a year.
The anti-salmon
I was thinking that a great timesaving patent that would help all geeks...and all humanity, and possibly save millions of wasted minutes...would be.... A Random Button on Soda Machines This would save millions of wasted time deciding which caffeinated bevarage to choose. Why not just take a dive, and press the random button and let the soda gods decide?
I think this is a real, patentable idea...An extra button could be installed on soda machines that would randomly choose one of the other buttons and send some sort of signal to that button to send that soda down the little chute. Unfortunately, I only have the idea...and not the technical know-how to pull it off. The only random soda generator I have ever made was by stocking one soda rack with all different kinds of sodas and changing the button label to random...though it wasn't truely random. Someone should work on this. I would love it! I hate having to choose between Pepsi, RootBeer, Dr. Pepper and the other sodas...it would save me a lot of time.
The anti-salmon
I would like to patent the business process of filing a lawsuit. Then I can sue everyone who sues anyone.
Whats that about Natalie Portman getting down with a troll in the cruiser?
flinging poop since 1969
Intelligent Banner Ad Engine:
Before an image is served to a browser, the engine runs a series of routines that validates the design and layout and content of the page that it is being displayed from. It then chooses a suitable advertisement based on content and historical data regarding clickthroughs. All this can be done in realtime or the data can be cached by the engine.
Eat that banner boys!
Hammer of Truth
I believe I will patent shipping and force Amazon and other business method patent holding weenies to pay me huge royalites. Here's the patent: A method of using moveable devices such as "ships" or "trucks" or similar technology to "transport" or "move" objects such as "packages" or "data" from one geographic point to another completely separate geographic point. I will call it "shipping". Now when companies charge $10 shipping and handling to send a $2 package, they get to pay me too. By keeping the wording so completely vague, it works for bits as well as physical object, so don't hit reload or it will cost you twice!
A system for using web technologies to enable shopping with N clicks, where N > 2. The most common, but not necessarily only method of implementation is a series of "pop-up" windows asking the buyer "are you sure?", "are you really sure?", "are you really, really sure?", etc to which the buyer has the option of clicking "yes" or "no". Since this would cover all types of web commerce not patented by Amazon.com and Barnes&Noble, the potential for increased revenue is unlimited!
Biological REspiration AuTomated Hematologic Enhancement
"A method by which any Biological Entity(1) is enabled to bring in Air(2) through an intake system for use in External Respiration(3). This system specifically precludes any system which is based solely upon Internal Respiration(4)."
(1) Biological entity is defined as a living being which uses any gaseous material as part of its required functions to live.
(2) Air is defined as any gaseous material used in external respiration, usually containing primarily Oxygen (O2) but not limited to this substance.
(3)External Respiration is defined as the exchange of gases between the external environment and a distributing system of the animal body (as the lungs of higher vertebrates or the tracheal tubes of insects) or between the alveoli of the lungs and the blood
(4) Internal Respiration, which is subject to US Patent # aabcbdxxf, is defined as the exchange of gases (such as oxygen and carbon dioxide) between the cells of the body and the blood by way of the fluid bathing the cells.
My invention is Transitional-hyperdynamic Incremental Movement in Existensial space, more conveniently referred to as T.I.M.E. Basically what my invention is, is A nonspatial continuum in which events occur in apparently irreversible succession from the past through the present to the future. This will revolutionize the world, and when I get the patent for this I will truly be the Father of T.I.M.E. Although my invention allows for linear movement in only one direction, I am currently in post-production on v2 which will allow for bi-directional movement. Of course this upgrade won't be free ;)
Acctually, I think Dogbert already invented this once. "You better click something, or I'll have to send you some books."
I patent the usage of magnetic flucuation or changes over time.
Anyone caught using my idea without licence will be dragged out and flogged with their computer while standing in a pool of water (to make the blood easier to clean up.
time to log off and shutdown :)
Consider yourself blessed if you are sneezed on by a dragon and only get wet, it could have been a fireball.
A method of completing an online transaction whereby the user may complete an order with only two mouse clicks, including the click required to bring the user to the host company's page. Note that this means I would be the only one allowed to link to any site with one-click shopping. Noone would be allowed to advertise for or link to Amazon. (Put that in your business model!)
"I am a cipher, a cipher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce" -Jimmy James
Instead, icons representing the items to be purchased are dragged into an iconic representation of a shopping cart.
Prior art! :)
Believe it or not. Although they use a custom Windows program instead of a web page.
Consiousness(TM) A dynamic, embedded Operating System (OS) for use in certain high order biological organisms (humans). The OS will be resident in the interconnections of a mass of simple logical processors (neurons). When fully installed in the appropriate mammalian wet-ware, I/O will be fully integrated and processed on-the-fly to create an illusion of continuity to the packeted information actually processed. The system further analyzes input and derives a highly variable, hyper-individual, Thought(TM) to be perceived by the "desktop" facet of the OS, known as I(TM). Any similar products or attempts at reproductions of this novel patent will be (obviously) prosecuted and sytematically eliminated. Start Paying.
(2,3-Benzopyrrole)
We, Microsoft...um...er...the Powers that Be, request the installation of the patent for the URL Bookmark. The URL Bookmark involves the remembering of a URL by "something". "Something" is defined as (1) A program with the capability for remembering URLs, (2) An electronic device (such as a PDA) that allows the input of text that can take the form of a URL, (3) An organic device capable of remembering characters in the form of a URL (like a brain), and (4) Any device that can be marked on by paint, ink, graphite, lead, or other substance. The use of a URL in any lasting form by any of said devices falls under this patent.
Adjoining Powers that Be Patent:
We, the Powers that Be request the installation of the patent for a pulp derived substance capable of being easy marked on by devices like pens and pencils. This patent is necessary for the enforcement of our above patent for the URL Bookmark.
--
Ian Turner
The initiation of automated processing using a single pole double throw actuator. This simple device gives users access to automated processing and communication by openning an closing a pathway for electrons.
134340: I am not a number. I am a free planet!
I hereby patent the process by which a individual person, by using their skills, experience, and innate creative talent comes up with a new idea, process, or invention.
By definition, any patentable idea is new and hence falls under my patent.
There have been so many great ideas here, so many creative people.
Pls send your patent fees to me forthwith.
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."
Think of everything that uses an alphabet...
rm
Sci-Fi Storm
...via Electron Valence Bonding... or whatever the techo-term is...
rm
Sci-Fi Storm
My original title got munged:
"Symbolic representation and assembly of auditory resonances to convey information"
Since the dawn of man a mechanism for the conveyance of information has been necessary - to avert wars, work effectively in groups, and simply provide entertainment. However, existing auditory mechanisms lack sustenance over long distances or time due to corruption that inevitably creeps in, as the transmission mediums are imperfect, and the storage systems have varying and unpredicitable rates of failure which increase with age.
This new system, (code named "Gammadelt"), would involve the symbolic representation of all information by breaking them up into specific auditory elements ("cues"), and then representing each cue with a symbolic representation.
In order to simplify the set of symbols, some audio cues may be represented by a combination of symbols. Additional symbols can also be added to alter the inflection or pronunciation of the cue.
The combined set of symbols is referred to as a "gammadelt".
In order to accomodate the widely different auditory communication mechanisms in use today, multiple gammadelts may be specified, each customized to the auditory communication mechanism it represents.
rm
Sci-Fi Storm
Spinoff: The Psychic Advertisers Network- the banner ads act the same way as the item icons above.
Unfortunately, doubleclick seems to have beaten you to that one. I use visto for my email and one of their doubleclick banner ads has a window pop up when you move your mouse over the ad.
That's reverse engineering. The original orinetation of that cup took the developers over 5 years to research and design. By closely examining it and applying its technology to your own product, you have violated the original patent and the DMCA (I have no idea what part of the DMCA you've violated, but there's a pretty damn good chance something you did today was prohibited by it).
Your actions seriously threaten the incentive for creativity in this country and will not be tolerated. You and anyone else who thinks they can look at their coffee cup and get away with it are in serious trouble.
See you in court.
Bugrit! Millenium hand and shrimp!
* Patent pending
Bugrit! Millenium hand and shrimp!
Say I put foot A in front of and to the right of foot B, then put foot B next to foot A, then swing the leg attached to foot A around in an irregular pattern, with foot A eventually landing to the left and slightly in front of foot B. Then lift foot B off the surface, pivot 270 degrees on foot A,
If I work on this a bit more, I could just send it straight to the Ministry of Silly Walks, rather than the USPTO.
Bugrit! Millenium hand and shrimp!
I first claim:
A number (hereafter known as e) such that:
(A) A function can be defined as e raised to the power of a variable quantity (hereafter known as x)
(B) A function as in part (A) is equal to its own derivative taken with respect to the variable quantity x
(C) A function as in part (A) is equal to its own indefinite integral taken with respect to the variable quantity x
Since you can patent the shape of a bottle, I don't think patenting a geometric figure is too far-fetched, so...
Secondly, I claim:
1) A figure, composed of the locus of all points which exist at a specified distance (hereafter known as the "radius") from a certain point (hereafter known as the "center")
2) A figure, composed of the locus of all points which satisfy the requirements of the first part and exist in a single, flat, two-dimentional region of space (hereafter known as a "plane"), specifically a plane which includes the center as defined the first part.
3) A number (hereafter known as p) which satisfies the following conditions:
(A) The total length of the curve necessary to represent the second part is equal to twice the radius multiplied by the number p.
(B) The area of the finite section of the plane as defined in 2(A), bounded by the figure in 2(A), is equal to the radius multiplied by itself multiplied by the number p.
If nothing else, my threats of patent infringement will get many students out of doing their geometry homework.
Bugrit! Millenium hand and shrimp!
Using this technique, advertisers can use standard HTTP transfer mechanisms to provoke the phosphors on certain areas of computer monitors to produce patterns. By changing the chromodynamic properties of the phosphorescence over time, the illusion of motion can be created which, in certain circumstances, can produce a spontaneous excitation within the subject. The excited subject will then be induced to seek further excitation, again using standard HTTP transfer mechanisms (this is known as stimulated excitation).
This patent is concerned with the creation of the correct combinations of phosphorescence, in order to provoke the correct level of excitation required to produce the optimum amount of stimulated excitation. Properly directed, this further excitation can be harnessed to produce revenue for the implementor. The patented combinations also guard against spontaneous emission from the subject, which will disrupt the revenue-generating stimulated excitation mentioned above. It is worthwhile noticing that this balance is particularly hard to achieve, especially given the prevalence of such far-field effects as tit wobble and hide the sausage, which are more than likely to cause spontaneous emission within the majority of subjects within the predicted catchment group.
I patent the Spinning browser logos, however, since they are already implemented, my legal team has designed a fair pricing structure based on the odometer. Each time the browser logo makes one full rotation, 1 penny is charged. This should clear up this issue. Thankyou. SBL (spinning browser logo) Inc. 2000 All rights reserved
3-Server OC-3 Linux Counter-Strike Cluster
www.rnp.ca
I would like to patent the no-click multi-user dimention. I would like a patent giving me exclusive rights to any text-based system where someone would be able to play, with any number of players, on a system, either paper or computer based, any sort of adventure.
This afformentioned patent would be reserved for any implementation of said system in any language.
I know a person used to use this system thus i'm sure someone realysed it already. I think it was broken somewhere because this person didn't receive any goods. His card was charged correctly however.
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Every secretary using MSWord wastes enough resources
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Every secretary using MSWord wastes enough resources
Patent any release of energy (heat) induced by friction i.e. (any use of the) (effect of) friction itself.
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Every secretary using MSWord wastes enough resources
(Inspired by reading this article comments) I patent the idea of (automatiñ or manual) breaking (splitting) the variable length (html, sgml or other interactive) hypertext (price, goods, services list or other) document into several pieces (pages) at some (predefined or dynamically adjustable) limit for more convenient viewing (reading), faster formatting and printing on limited height forms. This also includes any links, buttons (or other GUI elements), hotkeys and any other means provided for (easy) switching between this pieces, and any system for enumerating them.
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Every secretary using MSWord wastes enough resources
A method of voting whereby a qualified voter examines multiple sources of data on public opinion and possible election outcome and bases his or her decision on the probability of a candidate they certainly do not want to win the election winning the election.
In any given election, a qualified voter often has a wide spectrum of opinions on the various candidates provided. If multiple sources of data on public opinion and possible election outcome show a number of candidates greater than one ("leading candidates") holding the highest percentage of electorate stating they shall vote for said candidates and that percentage of electorate being nearly equal for each "leading candidate" ("neck and neck"), a qualified voter shall select the one candidate of said "leading candidates" that they dislike the least and cast their vote for that "least disliked" candidate.
This patent application references my previous patent application "Tactical Voting."
The present invention is a Tactical Voting Simplification System (TVSS) for permitting timely and simplified candidate selection information to subscribers of said system. In contemporary society, especially in the United States of America, qualified voters are given up to multiple hundreds of candidates for any given office. Many voters resort to "Tactical Voting," a method of voting we've devised whereby a qualified voter examines multiple sources of data on public opinion and possible election outcome and bases his or her decision on the probability of a candidate they certainly do not want to win the election winning the election (see "Tactical Voting" patent).
To simplify "Tactical Voting," we've devised a system to compile various sources of election data and through a proprietary computational function, inform a qualified voter of the effect casting their vote for the candidate they most want to win -- or not using "Tactical Voting" -- will have on the election outcome.
On an election day, for qualified voters -- especially those in Pacific, Alaska and Hawaii time zones -- this "election outcome effect" will be computed not only with various sources of data on public opinion but actual election outcomes in states where election polls have closed and election results are being tabulated. For instance, if a qualified voter lives in a state where no one "leading candidate" has a clear victory (ie. "neck and neck"), said qualified voter would normally receive a high "election outcome effect" were they to vote for the candidate they most want. However, if election results in states where election polls have closed show a qualified voter's least-favored "leading candidate" behind in electoral college votes by a signifigant margin, said qualified voter may receive a low "election outcome effect" if their state has a low number of electoral college votes, even if the "leading candidates" are "neck and neck."
Let ne get back to you, after I'm back from my patent attorney
ich bin der musikant
mit taschenrechner in der hand
kraftwerk
[Abstract]
Your mom is comprised of a human woman with strong maternal feelings toward you. She gave birth to you and you are a fruit of her loins. If she needs computer technical support, you are there to support her. She is powered via groceries and your love.
[Claim]
It is claimed that your mom (aka your momma, mommie and mother) is a human woman who helped concieve you and carried you to term in her womb. She has performed the following functions for which you are in forever her debt.
* Wiped your nose
* Bought you floppy disks
* Makes the best grilled cheese
* Sheltered you from Spam
* Tried to hook you up with the neighbor girl
* Let you borrow the car that Friday night
* Washed your laundry
* Made your bed
* Refrained from looking for your pornography
--- rapper/producer/bachelorette party stripper
.rights property intelectual my on infringing companies suing begin can I that so patent my approve Please
.readability increase greatly will This. this like of instead right to left from read text the have to is idea The.
Summary
Randy.Flood@RHCE2B.COM
CRASH then helpfully alerts the user to the problem with a friendly blue screen, and requires the user to reboot the machine in order to preserve data integrity and restore 100% CPU utilization.
I, as the rightful owner of this patent (I can demonstrate that I successfully CRASHed a computer as early as 1979), intend to sue any and all companies that infringe upon my patent, starting with Microsoft, who has deliberately implemented my C.R.A.S.H. algorithm throughout their operating system and applications. They are also the largest (and richest) violator of this patent.
Read my keyboard review.
This business model patent covers the expediting of greencard issuance to individuals who do not posess US Citizenship; and said individuals whom also do not qualify for US Residency.
The system first uses a complex proprietry algorithm to determine the indivuals personal characteristics, and then takes this information, and places it in a relational database. The database is then queried for like matches of other individuals whom are already US Citizens, or qualify for US Residency.
Once matches have been found, an ID number is associated to the query, and stored for later use. The matches are then pulled into a temporary table, and photographs of said matches are then displayed on a web page for the original individual to view. The individual then rates the matches with a visual acceptability percentage next to the computer generated personality acceptability percentage, and results are then generated based upon these numbers.
When the final results are viewed, the individual is asked to make a final decision, at which point in time, a monetary amount is arranged. The money is then divided exactly in a 2/3 to 1/3 ratio, with the larger amount being deposited in the final matches bank account. This amount should be no less than USD$100,000. When said money is successfully retrieved, a state authorised person shall marry said couple, and Greencard issuance should ensue within six months. Citizenship is typically granted after a period of four to six years, at which point in time the business relationship shall terminate, and the individual can arrange to bring his family, and original wife into the country.
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Video meliora proboque deteriora sequor - Ovidius
The patent covers the "business method" consisting of the exchange via any means whatsoever of valuable considerations including but not limited to goods services valuta real property and/or currency or any interest therein for other valuable considerations including but not limited to goods services valuta real property and/or currency or any interest therein.
Supporting patents consequent to this include:
Zoe Brain - Rocket Scientist
I am hereby patenting the color Yellow. It is the last color I can think of that hasn't been used by Apple! If they do decide to use it in any future iMacs, or iBooks, they will have to realize that using the Color yellow, especially on a computer, was my Idea first... I will sue!!!
Look at this patent posted on segfault.org a while ago. I like that...
...remember good 'ol times when IP used to mean Internet Protocol....
Patent: #666
Created: Tue, Oct. 10
"The combination of eating pizza, drinking highly caffienated drinks while in the process of 'coding'"
Penalty for violation will be a change in ownership of the software in question, along with any profits received by the aformentioned software.
Furthermore, you must include a statement in your shrink-wrap license mentioning the fact that you used this "style" of "coding"
Patent 1:
The publishing of computer code that has the effect on a program of enabling any unintended access features (such as security holes).
Patent 2:
The functional bundeling of a calculator with a portable electronic device (eg Palm, mobile phone, laptop with OS, watch).
There are three (3) sections of the Time device (hereinafter referred to by the abbreviation t).
Section 1: The Past
This is step is a pre-requisite for attaining successful completion of the next two steps. In order to produce The Past, candidate processes must maintain uninterrupted existence for a period t > 0. If there are discontinuities in the existential manifold, the process must be restarted. Our research has shown that there are commercially viable and environmentally sound methods for eliminating such discontinuities.
Section 2: The Present
Once The Past has been successfully rendered, there follows a time interval e < m where m is the smallest measurable unit of t. This time period is what is known as the Present, or abbreviated P. The Present provides a convenient and lightweight event matrix, and it is causally isolated from both the Past and the Future. Any permeation of the causal membrane by event-particles destroys the integrity of the process.
Section 3: The Future
A brief curing process will generate effluent known as the Future. This segment, segment F of Time t, can be readily identified by its informational opacity. All intervals in the interval set F are generated by the sum of the series P(n) where n is the age of the Universe in nanoseconds. A cursory calculation will show that any given discrete event-particle will have a probability approaching 0 for any segment of F.
Now available from CaveCo for a limited time: Tired of making typing errors?! Clicking on the wrong objects giving you migrains?! Well, NO MORE! CaveCo Introduces for the first time in the United States (and a small remote section of Yogoslavia), the Error O'Matic! What is the Error O'Matic you ask? Well, let me tell you about it! Error O'Matic is a lovely frame like device that wraps around the edge of your monitor. With the use of standard tools found in any home, you simply connect the wires from the Error O'Matic to the Internal Speaker of your PC. Special sensors in the Error O'Matic decipher signals to your PC Speaker, and determine if they are the result of normal sound effects, or if its...."AN ERROR BEEP". If the Error O'Matic detects an error, the decorative frame casually drops forward, at approximatly 75mph, making contact with the users fingers between the first and second knuckles. This mild sensation tells the users subconscious, "Oops, you made a Boo Boo!". With this form of automated aversion therapy, you'll be computing error free in no time! So, how much would you pay for a remarkable device like this? $19.99.....$29.99.....$39.99?! NO?! Act now, and you will receive the Astounding Error O'Matic for the mere price of $349.99!!!! AND WAIT, THATS NOT ALL!!!!! If you are one of the first two callers, you will also receive, free of charge (excluding a S&H charge of $74.99), the Fantabulous New "Privacy Mouse"! When not deactivated by a password, Sensors in the Privacy Mouse detect when the cursor has moved over extensive areas of "Flesh Tone" colors on the screen. When detected, Privacy Mouse engages two tiny hypodermic needles from the Left and Right mouse buttons, that instantaneously inject the culprits fingertips with the venom of 250 Fire Ants! No more wondering if Jr. has been into your porn collection, eh! YOU MUST ACT NOW! QUANTITIES ARE LIMITED! Call 1-900-438-2583 (1-900-GET-CLUE) (Have 2 or 3 credit cards ready!) (Not available in all States. CaveCo is not responsible for deformations, lacerations, contusions, abrasions, rashes, allergic reactions, or psycho-sematic nervous ticks that may result from proper use of these products)
(1)Upon seeing the ENIAC in 1946, I said, "That thing looks like a bunch of cables and bulbs." I was the first to use this process of comparing a computer element to a real world element and all others are infringing on my patent.
Vote Quimby.
Scary thing is, I could see this one actually being done.
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Covering the use of characters (of any form) to form words and sentences on a type of media, such as paper, plastic, in digital form or any other media. This patent covers every language, and also the use of bits to form bytes on computers and other digital forms.
I hate sigs...
This is a process in which air is passed through a series of biological "Chords" or "Strings" to produce distinct audible vibrations or "Harmonics". This patent will also cover the reception of these harmonics using Bilogical or Technological Harmonic Recievers, and the process of recording these harmonics.
...
...
...
Production, Reception, Reproduction, and Distribution of these harmonics will be subject to royalties, payable to my company.
--Snip--
If this one goes through... I'm gonna SUE THE WORLD!!!! *evil grin*
Synchis
The worlds most popular, famous, and loved super hero...
Thomas A. Knight
Author of The Time Weaver
This method consists of...
- Introducing an enzyme to milk causing it to coagulate
- Pressing coagulated milk into portable shapes
My next endeavor is to patent uses for this new technology. I have an idea for something I will call the Grilled 'Self Contained Milk Conveyance' Sandwich. I can't get into the specifics due to intellectual property issues, but keep your eyes peeled.-Also, I am currently researcing the effects of ham on this new product. Please contact me if you would like to assist in these studies.
Respiration-- The process by which an organism(TM) exchanges gases with its environment. The term commonly refers to the overall process by which a gas (oxygen) is taken from the air and transported to the cells(TM) for the oxidation of organic molecules, while the products of oxidation, carbon dioxide and water, are returned to the environment.
This system creates a warehouse to consumer pathway that completely removes the need for the user's interaction from the purchasing equation.
First the user's universal serial code is scanned from their forehead via the CueCat privacy elimination subsystem. The their universal id is looked up via the DoubleClick network database subsystem which holds a record of all purchases, pageviews and errant thoughts. The by scanning their financial ability from the MegaBank system we determine their 'ability to pay'. Then via computer algorithim we determine the products needed from Amazon Everything dot com.
Upon shipment of these items, the account of the 'user' is automatically debited. As if by magic (in 3 to 5 bussiness days) the items the user did not know they even wanted arrived at their door.
Consumers can of course "opt-out" of this service by placing a note in a bottle, tossing it in a body of water (don't forget to flush), and waiting 75 - 100 years for the "opt-out" form to be delivered via pony express.
Also a 120% restocking fee will be charged to anyone caught thinking of returning the items.
âoeWho knew something as harmless as willful ignorance could end up having real consequences?â
Just to remind everybody that there are places
where things are worse, in Russia, there's a
brewing company that has apparantly successfully
patented *bottles*. Not some special kind of
beer bottles, just...bottles. They're already
suing other breweries. Needless to say, they
have some political connections...
Chris Mattern
October Tenth, Two-Thousand
Whereas I, Aggi ******, am a legal resident of the United States Of America. Whereas The claim has been submitted in due process to the patent office thereof.
This person patents uutilization of individual consciousness.
Support for such as has here been described follows:
- Patenter has proven beyond doubt that they have spent an entire lifetime developing claimed individual consciousness. - Patenter has proved that individual consciousness is not an universal concept, as it is the primary function of several major philosophies and religions to assist a person in achieving something close to what will now be the official individual consciousness.
By the above declaration, I have sole and uncontestable rights to all of your souls.
Thank You.
How about a patent on a "A device, either physical or linguistic, which is paired with an object or idea, acts as a unique signifier representing the object or idea even in the absence of said object or idea?"
:)
Yep, let's just patent these "names" and see what kind of hell breaks loose
When dealing with visually recorded material to be played back at the will of the beholder of the recorded material, in any visually recorded format, the insertion of one single frame that does not relate in any fashion to the visually recorded material should be called "visual subliminal messaging." For example, when George Bush Jr. played a commercial for the GOP on TV, and the word "RATS" appeared in one single frame as a depiction of Al Gore was being shown, that is calssified as "visual subliminal messaging." Give credit to George Bush Jr. for the first widely known usage of "RATS" as a "visual subliminal message." Any other uses from this point out shall pay royalties to me.
[)(]subliminal labs[)(]
I think roblimo is pulling an Amazon.com here and just using us to help him create a "stupid and obvious" patent so he can get rich ;o)
using either voice recognition with a mic plugged into the computer, or vision recognition with a camera that tracks eye movements-- zero movement shopping!! (except for slightly moving the eyes or lips).
just say what you want to buy, then say "buy it!", or look at the items, blink once to select, move your eyes to the shopping cart, blink twice to check out. viola! almost no movement. beat that amazon.
If only there was a way to change the channel from my seat without getting up. hmmmm.
The layout of any keyboard structured to the QWERTY configuration. Where in q,w,e,r,t,y are known as the layout, design, or structure of the keyboard configuration. All conversions to differert states such as Plasma Keyboards, touchscreen layouts, and flat panel vision sensing units will also fall under the juristiction of said patent. As a side note all, telephone, keypad, cellphone, and atm keyboards will have a annual fee attached as per our current patent on the keystroke, the button, and the "Click" sounds of the keys. The sounds of the keystroke are known around the world and a comfort to many. The Neck Necktronics Keyboards 1-800-qwerty1
Description: So... always watch yer green!
Fight hunger. Filet a politician and send him to a 3rd world country of your choice.
A cube with equal length sides of 0.1" to 7.9", or 8.1" to 300,000,000 miles, that houses smaller interconnected components.
Licensing will be available at $1000.00 per square inch. Man I hope the Borg stop by. They'll have to assimilate Gates and Ellison just to pay me!
The Pointerless Mouse Technology (PMT) will allow you to enjoy the experience of a perfectly clear screen. The images and text you are working with will be presented to you with no interference. And, what's more, your spatial perception skills and visual measuring abilities will be spectacularly improved thanks to practice! Just move the mouse to the point where you think the cursor should be, and start typing/drawing/clicking. You will notice that the design of your text and web pages will improve significantly with a deliberately artistic disorder. Besides that, you will experience the thrill of navigating the Web without knowing where will your next click take you! Every click will be a surprise!
You can implement this technology with an adequately defective (or hacked) mouse driver or, if your graphical environment allows pointer customization, by using a 100% transparent bitmap as the mouse pointer. Don't forget to replace the clock pointer as well!
But remember: don't try to patent PMT: it has been described (and used) before!
Strength, balance, courage and reason. If you know what's this about, contact me!
Maybe I should have just said "Buffer Overflow" in the first place.
The Revolution. Now available as a convienent six tape series from PBS.
This might actually get approved....?
Dynamic Code Morphing Injection
A technique where the functionalty of existing applications can be extended with out having access to the original source code to include new functions not conceived by the original programmer. By using carefully constructed "Injection Streams" encapsulated in the form of data, the techinque allows end users and interested third parties to interact with the Customer Programming Interface(CPI) rather than the more traditional API. These "Dynamic Code Morphing Data streams" introduce new application code that combines with the original code to to produce new behavior by the existing application through the use of known limits involving memory usage and addressing. By suplementing the executing application code with new code, the application can be used to provide remote access to remote systems or provide other, previously unused functionality or to launch additional applications of the host system. This provides the user of the "Injection Streams" with real-time control over an applications execution and branching behaviour.
Primary users of this patent will be "3l33t haX0r's" and others interested in this technique.
The Revolution. Now available as a convienent six tape series from PBS.
Mouseless Surfing (Patent Pending)
Because we already know what you want to see.
Introducing Mouseless Surfing. No more clicking and waiting. No more sore wrists and tired fingers. Just sit back and we'll feed you the content you need. No advertising*, no waiting, no effort.
This amazing technology is designed to be pre-controlled by your habits: using the databases of material that you've already left all over the internet.
* We gurantee that there will be no direct advertising. Your viewing will consist of high quality commercial material, paid for by the highest bidder and not-so subtly disguised as valuable information.
-Yoink!
Hell, there are drive through marriages, so why not drive through patents? I feel that this is necessary in a world where ideas are a dime a dozen and most of them can be patented.
"Method and apparatus for securing intellectual property rights through the operation of a motorized vehicle..."
-John
How about taking it one step further and including the One Handed Ass Wipe.
Despite the cost of living, it remains popular.
I would like to submit the obvious: Double click shopping
Despite the cost of living, it remains popular.
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Wow. I wonder how many people are already violating my patent.
A process whereby each user of an appplication or process be it software or hardware is assigned a unique identifier. This identifier consists of two parts. The first identifier piece is assigned by the controller of the application or by the process itself and is known to the system and the user. The second identifier is chosen by the user and is unknown to the controller of the application. Upon a request to use an application or process, the user is prompted for both the system assigned identifier as well as his uniquely chosen identifier. Upon authentication of these identifiers, the user is allowed access. This will also provide a mechanism whereby access within an application or process can be controlled .................................................. ........................................ ............notice the scope this allows, this could apply to keys to your house, PIN numbers at ATM's phone numbers, userid and passwords, etc.
"...your future, make it a reality, all you have to do is fight for me"
Actually you can RSA was patented in the US after being published by MIT, it just can't be patented outside the US.
As an additional penalty the executives of the corporations deciding to infring on us, are to either 1) become a woman (if being male) or 2) become a man (if being female).
- Should my demand not be met, I shall cease and desist you into chapter11.
Intended owner of the desired patent: ANONYMOUS COWARD
Based upon an idea developed by myself and Lincoln F. Stern in 1994, and further developed by jfmcrr in 1996, I submit the following for patent:
Write Only Memory is a new development designed to aid in the permanent, secure storage of binary data. Any data stored, transmitted, or formatted in computer binary form can be secured successfully using the WOM technology.
Additionally, the WOM technology includes an advanced compression algorithm, allowing a nearly-infinite amount of data to be stored on a single WOM device.
Users wishing to secure a file with WOM invoke a command to send that file to the WOM device. The file is composed of binary data; electronic representations of mixed ones and zeros.
The WOM device uses the patented WOM algorithm to convert every electronically-represented 'one' to a 'zero', creating a file that is guaranteed to be uncrackable, undecipherable, and irretrievable by any entity. Users of WOM can rest assured that no other person can ever gain access to their carefully archived data.
Additionally, the conversion of the entire data file to a single stream of electronic 'zeros' allows for incredible compression. Because zeros are stored electronically in a 'low' state, the entire encrypted file can be electronically stored in a non-magnetic, non-electronic medium, as such media are capable of storing an infinite number of zero-electric-state pulses. For this patent, any device utilizing the WOM technology, regardless of the type of storage medium utilized, is covered. Initial plans for storage media include the use of small, rectangular low-fired ceramic building blocks (bricks), resevoirs of neutral fluids (a bag of water) and even wooden, open-ended containers of air (a bucket.)
While this patent covers a physical WOM device, it mainly patents the WOM algorithm as new and proprietary technology; this means that any device which uses the WOM patented algorithm as a method for convering normal, binary data to an unreadable, archival stream of low-state data(zeros) is an infringement of this patent under US and International Patent Law.
If this patent is successfully submitted, any device which deletes information, or causes a data file to be lost, deleted, or erased in any way, has to have a license from me, and pays me royalties for the use of that license. Woohoo!
I am allowed to criticize you: you are not allowed to criticize me. Sorry, that's just how things are.
The process of disclosing false or unverified information about other products with functional similarity that, while not proven to be correct, creates scaredness, insecurity and hesitation within the administrative organs of a corporation - thus causing them to favor the product of the corporation having the license of this patent.
Save your wrists today - switch to Dvorak
I will apply for a patent on a new business model. This is the model of patenting ideas other people have invented but not patented, and suing the rightful inventors into license agreements or just a big wad of cash.
There is prior art, but they haven't patented it (see Rambus, Amazon). Therefore, the attached document dated to AD 27 drafting this model, and which I wrote, serves as the earliest form and confirms my right to the patent. (Datestamps are such ephemeral things)
Submitted in "Good Faith",
Xentax
You shouldn't verb words.
I just though that it was funny... especially the part aboot the seventeen syllables is coverd... NO IM NOT STUPID!#%@#$%@$% STOP TALKING TO ME!!!! Quote: If at first you dont succeed... pay someone else to do it for you.
You two can be a patent holder! You are only one click away from owning your very own intellectual property! Stake your claim now!
"... the advance of civilization is nothing but an exercise in the limiting of privacy" - Janov Pelorat
Todd Dickinson was appointed by President Clinton as Under Secretary of Commerce for Intellectual Property and Director of the United States Patent and Trademark Office on March 29, 2000. Dickinson had served as Assistant Secretary of Commerce and Commissioner of Patents and Trademarks since November 10, 1999, as Acting Assistant Secretary of Commerce and Acting Commissioner of Patents and Trademarks since January 1, 1999, and as Deputy Assistant Secretary of Commerce and Deputy Commissioner of Patents and Trademarks since June 18, 1998.
In addition to managing the United States Patent and Trademark Office's (USPTO) operations, Dickinson serves as principal policy advisor to the Clinton Administration and Congress on all domestic and international intellectual property matters. He also serves as co-chair of the National Intellectual Property Law Enforcement Coordination Council, which coordinates domestic and international intellectual property enforcement issues.
Under Dickinson's leadership, the USPTO is implementing the most sweeping reform in patent law in a half-century and is restructuring itself into a performance-based organization. Other initiatives he has undertaken include making more than two million patents and all registered trademarks and applications freely available on the Internet; implementation of the electronic filing of trademark and patent applications; creation of the Office of Independent Inventor Programs; and the establishment of the Office of Quality Management.
Previously with the Philadelphia-based law firm of Dechert, Price and Rhoads and having served as Chief Counsel for Intellectual Property and Technology at Sun Company, Inc., Dickinson has more than twenty years of experience in the private sector representing a wide-range of clients, from individual inventors to major corporations, on intellectual property protection matters.
A native of Pennsylvania, Director Dickinson earned a B.S. degree in Chemistry from Allegheny College in 1974 and a J.D. from the University of Pittsburgh School of Law in 1977. He is a member of the bars of Pennsylvania, California and Illinois.
On Tuesday, October 10th, 2000, Mr Dickinson was patented by KPGServices. Unfortunately, Mr Dickenson, we now own you.
(All puns intended)
http://www.uspto.gov/web/offices/com /ad min/
Um, didn't Amiga patent the right-click menu? I seem to recall that was one of their key pieces of IP that kept people sniffing around Commodores corpse...
I'm too tired to go through the 8 million responses and see if somebody has already mentioned this, but... apparently a company has patented a particular orbit. Since an orbit is in essence just a mathematical formula, what if I were to patent the error formula? Then everytime one of these idiotic public opinion polls comes out at least I could be compensated....
"Fifty million Americans can't be wrong," said Rep. Billy Tauzin. Gore - 50,999,897 Bush - 50,456,002
My patent is simple. Using electronic message boards and electronic mail, it functions only to change the pigmentation of a human's exodermis to a shade of crimson, Making them irritable.
I will call this process "Bait-Flame" Being as it may, Only people of great skill can ever come to a point of actually using it successfully.
This device, along use with the words "one-click patent" and "Malda", cause people to AUTOMATICALLY respond to the list.
Henceforth, making this a very viable solution for network communication, and increasing hits to a html-based document.
FJEAR IT!$#!
O.K. I would like to submit this patent. I propose that or current number system (that uses a total of 10 digits) can be represented buy only two digits. These digits can be Zero (0) and one (1). I call this system the "Double number System" and claim royalties from any similar sytem in existance. Do you think it will make any money?
Leg Godt!
Patent Application for Individual Sexual Stimulation.
Individual Sexual Stimulation and Gratification is the process of sexual arousal and copulation by means not involving a second indivdual. The process of Individual Sexual Stimulation has been known to humans for many years. The use of apparatus during the process of Individual Sexual Stimulation includes, but is not limited to, substitute organ emulators, lubrication materials, and vacuum cleaning equipment.
http://twitter.com/onion2k
Patent application for 'Several Hundred Click Shopping'.
This internet shopping model has previously been implemented by sites such as www.amazon.com, and www.bol.com. The logical and structured process of choosing items and adding them to a basket, followed by a simple form/answer information gathering situation should be totally ignored and replaced with as many superfluous and unusable 'gimmicks' as bandwidth will allow.
This patent is intended to work alongside our other applications for 'Random Price Management', 'Random Item Addition to Internet Shopping Baskets', and 'User Confusion Generation Through the Use of Ecletic and Illogical Naming Conventions'.
http://twitter.com/onion2k
Patent Application: Control of Business Competition Through The Use and Deployment of Strategic Patents and Law Suits.
An extremely popular business model throughout the late nineteen nineties and into the new millenium, patent and law suit business control is the process of filing as many applications to hinder any free market competition as possible.
Competition Management pioneers such as Microsoft, and various record companies, have refined the process of 'If-it-exists-copyright-it' marketing in order to keep a profit-centric business orinented monopoly that benefits the end user by keeping choice elements to a simplified single option. The time saving aspect of a mono-optional buying validation process is obvious, and it is important that this form of market steering is kept open.
Use of market associations such as the RIAA and MPAA are included in the competition management process.
http://twitter.com/onion2k
We shall hereby distinguish two kinds of cursors: mouse cursors and text cursors. A mouse cursor shall appear on screen and shall be movable by moving the mouse input device around on the desktop. A text cursor shall flash on and off and shall be influenced by keyboard input.
Here at GreedyCorp Corporation, We feel that both of these innovations are non-obvious and have no prior art. Therefore, we are filing for two related patents on this subject. We intend to aggressively defend our intellectual property and will seek legal remedy against any individual or corporation that attempts to make use of a "cursor" without paying a small royalty to us.
--
www.scorbett.ca
if you don't look at the ad then the company charges you for the product
Shave the Whales!
In a surprise judgement today by the United States Patent Office, Microsoft Corporation has been awarded patent rights to computer lint.
The conglomerate of marketing will stated that once they proved that the fine dust found in computers was the by-product of a substance known as "deletium", they felt their victory was assured.
Spokesperson for the USPO Bill Gates Clone #768, held a press conferance on the inconsiquntial matter.
"The board of reviewers found that "deletium" is indeed the cause of dust in closed computers. Long live the Empire."
In Redmond, WA, protestors have gathered outside the castle of coding in what was a peaceful demonstration. Reports indicate that a small collection of dust with riled the crowd into a riotus fury before being trampled and disembodied. A team of technicians rushed to the creatures aid, one stating,"Thisk day almost ask bad ask day Windows Me releasedsky. Nyet! Worske!"
Though attempts to contact Bill Gates on the rioting outside his collective have failed so far, it has been confirmed that he will anounce Microsoft's plans for two other "deletium waste-products" - human thought and Linux.
---------
Launch all sig
"A means of using "Omnipotent" power to bring forth a creation. Creation consisting of either "Light" or "Darkness". Of "Life" or void there of. With creation of life either "Mortal" or "Imortal", "Simple" or "Intelegent".
Creation consisting of one or more planes, dimensions and/or realities. Having either "Linear" or "Circular" timelines."
"And your both 6 months pregnant by Billy Ray Sirus" "Then why is mom showing and i'm not?" - Married With Children
"Ug make thing of bright and/or warm! Ug use fiberous things to make thing of bright and/or warm. Spin wood on wood to start combusion. Or strike rock on shiny rock. Cook animal, vegetables or annoying neighbor over fire. Ug own, you pay"
"And your both 6 months pregnant by Billy Ray Sirus" "Then why is mom showing and i'm not?" - Married With Children
Speak into a microphone and order items off the internet. No need to click or type. Special software processes speach. Software can even alter shipping methods based on a person's tone. For example: "I would like to order a box of tacks" uses standard delivery whereas "Give me Brittney Spears now!" specifies same day shipment.
The software can make suggestions to tailor orders too. For example, should one forget to order the optional bumper, tires, spare tire, engine, etc. with an auto purchase the software will automatically recommend it.
Anyone have a store front with double click shopping before Barnes and Nobles used it? If so, patent it and make Barnes and Nobles switch to triple click shopping!
Using state-of-the-art nanotechnology, extremely large volumes of highly complex, interdependant data can be perpetuated in a fault-tolerant, redundant manner. First, the data is encoded into a highly compact chemical structure. Then, it is reproduced in a massively parallel fashion and each data instance is individually embedded into an independent delivery mechanism.
I fully expect "Functions Of Reproducing Normative Information Carefully Assembled Through Iterative Orientation of Nucleic acid" to revolutionize the distribution of information in our emerging technological society.
include $sig;
1;
I patent currency: A method whereby users can conduct an exchange of goods using an intermediate form of value in which both sets of goods can be expressed. A ntural extension to the use of this invention will be that goods may be purchased using only currency without the immediate availability of supporting goods.
Careers should combine three things: what you can do, what you want to do, and what you can get paid for.
Microsoft already beat me to it! Damn! Damn! Damn!
Microsoft Patents Ones and Zero's
Grumpfish
Grumpfish
I'd rather be fishing...
Heeheeheeheeheeheeheehee...voter choice has got to be this one:).
I would like to patent the 7-Click+ shopping method.
This would cover any sales online where you need to click seven time plus enter your personal information.
Anyone licensing this from me should be warned to be careful setting it up. I charge different rates for my 6-Click+ and 8-Click+ patents.
Viv
-----------
I Use Napster. I use DeCSS. I buy over $1000 a year in CD/DVDs.
Viv
Gmail invites for ip
Biological Rational Arithmetic Intuition Node. I, acting in behalf of God in conjunction with evolution, hereby submit a patent for the Biological Rational Arithmetic Intuition Node. This device is designed to perform a variety of tasks by means of a network of "neurons," hereafter referred to as brain cells. The BRAIN is can be used in the computing machine homo sapiens hereafter referred to as "human beings." It accomplishes the functions of 1)reason, 2)various arithmetic functions 3) intuition, and 4) emotion. It does so by means of electrical impulses sent down each brain cell to a synaptic cleft that causes the brain cell to release a neurotransmitter (herefater called a signaling molecule). These signaling molecules transfer the impulse from one cell to the other. It is these impulses that the BRAIN uses to perform any of it's various functions. A royalty fee will be charged to each human being for use of the BRAIN. Which we expect to be a fairly low number when compared to the number of brains currently on the earth.
patent the "user login"
patent cookies "the proces in creating a file on your computer in order to retain data on said person to make browsing a web site more 'user-friendly'"
The advatages of such a product are enormous. The User can choose himself which features to include into his Programm. He also may decide how his IDE looks like for an individual look and feel.
Another advantage is the flexibility. e.g. You may choose the compiler yourself.
Some other advatages are:
I would like to patent "fuzzy math," also known as "Washington fuzzy math."
Fuzzy math is an expression of exact facts and figures to back up a public policy position where those who vehemently aim to disagree have no way of comprehending the data and thus, in exasperated speech, decry the facts and figures as worthless (and subsequently throw in ad hominem attacks about "no controlling legal authority" and a buck stopping "here" at the Lincoln bedroom). Essentially, claims of fuzzy math most often come from the moronic.
Steve Magruder
Steve Magruder, Metro Foodist
I think I'm going to patent 1's and 0's! That way, no one can ever write computer code again! At least not without paying me. A lot. Microsoft would owe me more money for one program than everything the DOJ can even concieve charging them! I think I would use the extra funds from the patent to buy a really, really nice car (--enter the Lamborghini Cala), then donate the rest to homeless folks like Bill Gates (after Janet Reno is done tearing him a new asshole)!
The principle behind this meta-patent, also known as recursive patenting, is to patent the patenting process itself.
We want to patent the following idea :
- someone find an "genuine" original idea/process/device/ice cream
- to prevent it to be stolen by someone else, the aforementionned person goes to the patent office, and protects its ideas through the mean of a patent, obtained by a suitable process.
This is also known as patenting, but what's original there is that nobody ever though to patent the patent process itself.
That's what we want to do !
Surprising that nobody thought of it before, since :
- every former patent submission is going to be included, and superceded by this meta-patent
- every next patent submission is going to go through the process patented in this patent, thus invalidated thereafter : this is the ultimate patent !
- since it's recursive nature, it's a patent on itself, and thus protected from every attempt to do something more original.
After this patent is validated (and it will be !), I'll have the power to sue god himself for patent infringment, thus insuring me a steady source of revenue from the (20 ?) next years to come.
[Pruneau
The WOM is a 'Write Once Read Never' device. In allows the limitless storage of data, with zero possiblity of reading it back. This allows for hardware acceleration of /dev/null.
The process of pouring Hot Grits down one's pants for the purpose of sexual gratification.
-atrowe: Card-carrying Mensa member. I have no toleranse for stupidity.
My two patents: Shared Line Automatic Service Handler (S.L.A.S.H. for short) which is used to screw everything up. :)
Dynamic Option Technology (D.O.T. for short) which is used to really confuse surfers by changing their /. options al the time.
Radial or linear star pattern: a pattern where stars are ordered in form of a circle or in form of one or more paralel lines.
At this point my lawyers are already prepairing a lawsuit against EU and USA for using my patent on their flags without my permission.
a patent on a program which loads slashdot by default, enforces the user to read it, ensures the reader's mind to remain that of a newbie through the privately owned Slashdot Algorithm(TM) of selecting news items in a way that creates the never-ending-ever-trying-to-overcome-newbie-status -slashdot-reader for eternity.
..dah,dah dah .. ..
I heard there are discussions among the developers to release the Slashdot Algorithm as open source code, as soon as the patent has been granted by the PTO. Informed sources said it might take a while as PTO's officers are currently searching slashdot's archives for prior art and are on their way to be converted to the never-ending, ever-trying
Seeing as how Thursday is a unique invention of the US government, the House of Representatives and Senate decide to patent Thursday. So if you are alive and living on US government soil on a Thursday you owe the government a royalty check.
Abstract: System for making the web entertaining involving a large plastic tube, a small metal tube, a good amount of a common domestic plant, and a disposable lighter.
std::disclaimer<std::legalese> sig=new std::disclaimer; sig->dump(); delete sig;
Unfortunately, that one's for real. Do I still qualify for the prize?
I hearby submit the idea that complex carbon based long chain polymers, could, in the presence of an ultra violet light source or other hi level energy source, could be compelled to arrange themselves in regular patterns.
I hypothesise that further experimentation with these molecules could bring rise to a class of molecule that can be built up into larger stable structures, that will still have the self arranging properties of the constituent molecules. These molecules could be organised into massive 'cells' of hydrocarbons, with the ability to react to the environment, and the ability to replicate - this process is still in delelopment however, as errors in the copying process are introducing 'feature creep' into the emerging processes.
This technology could, ultimately result in automated hydrocarbon automations perhaps of some use in industry to move or manipulate otherwise inanimate objects, such as computers. Such automations would need minimal maintainance, and would have the ability to 'remember' quite complex instruction. I envisage the replacement of current robotic assembly lines with arrays of these self replicating automations, with the cost benefits therein.
No existing prior art exists at this time.
Oh - wait......
When I were your age, all round here were fields...
Process of clicking on a breast (whether covered or not) which in turns spits out a bunch of spam you probably did not want. Not to be confused with premature ejaculation.
Customers are provided a "form" that they must fill in. A scripting langauge is used to perform validity checks to make sure data is present and properly formatted, before it is accepted and entered into a database. If data is missing or is improperly formatted, the customer is asked to correct the data or fill in the missing data.
Not covered in this patent are the methods of having the database backend perform validity checks, or of using a compiled helper application perform validity checks.
If you are modding me down because you disagree with me, use the "Flamebait" category, not the "Troll" one.
Expect to see your "cease and desist" letters in the mail any day.
www.ridiculopathy.com
This one actually came up a few years ago in a discussion about RSA and the ability to patent mathematical operations.
Addition: A mathematical function requiring two or more operands, which produces as its result the sum of the operands. Also, any algorithm for implementing such a function mechanically or electronically, such as with an abacus, an adding machine, or a computer. Also, any algorithm for implementing such a function by counting objects such as fingers, pebbles or beans.
Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge?
Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge?
Where is the knowledge we have lost in information?
Sci-Fi writers also predicted steel clothes (Jules Vern), among many other retarded things.
I would like to patent the production of an amazing liquid known to the scientific community as H20. The process is very difficult and consists in approaching the device known to the common man as the "tap" and turn the handle counter clock wise until the liquid is produced.
Unfortunately there is prior art in this field. I don't remember the exact year but the official Signetics IC data book had a full data sheet on the device including power, cooling, overcurrent protection specificifications and a suggested list of uses. It's main use was for the bit bucket for no longer useful bits. These need to be added to anything running Microsoft software to reduce the bloatware of the system. There is even a drain pin on the device for when it becomes full. Check the data manuals from the company from 1976-1978. The sheet was a preliminary datasheet as the device was not yet in production at that time. I have not checked to see when they released it. If anyone has IC data books this old with that datasheet, please post the text.
The truth shall set you free!
Probably copied out of this BOOK
--
Chief Frog Inspector
A feeling of having made the same mistake before: Deja Foobar
Onion's spin on a very old joke... Hoo Hah!
--
Chief Frog Inspector
A feeling of having made the same mistake before: Deja Foobar
Check THIS out. Prior art may have existed, but as we all know, something that wasn't done with the aid of the internet, servers, processes, fatheads, etc. is fair game for a bright, shiny new US Patent granting the owner Intellectual Property rights, a revenue stream, and in this case, a cut. It done be amazing.
--
Chief Frog Inspector
A feeling of having made the same mistake before: Deja Foobar
Prior Art is in the biological optical character recogniser of the beholder.
--
Chief Frog Inspector
A feeling of having made the same mistake before: Deja Foobar
I'd like to patent the laws of physics, most especially the four forces (namely gravity, but the others are good too). If I catch anyone touching the ground, I'll sue you helluva far. Then Mr. T will throw you.
"For success, it is essential you have Thunderball Fists." "I can have such a thing?" "That's right. Thunderball Fists."
but I'll patent the edible panty liner. Is that stupid (why would you want your name tagged with that) or just plain gross?
Abstract
It is well-known that the patent system has provided the incentive for the booming US economy. The limited monopoly granted to the inventor is the primary reason why people dream and implement successful business models and technologies. The lack of patents for political policies is responsible for a dearth of innovative solutions in the political realm.
I hereby submit my claim to inventing the idea of patenting political polices and programs (from hereon known as the 4Ps). The 4Ps will allow individuals to gain a limited monopoly, of up to 7 years, on their ideas for political policies and reforms. Any party, individual or government organization wishing to advocate or implement such schemes will be required to pay license fees to the originator of the political idea, in an amount determined by the inventor. A new arm of the US Patent Office will determine if a patent should be awarded, based on the criteria of non-obviousness and the existence of prior art. This new arm will be woefully underfunded and staffed by morons in suits. The 4Ps will stir a boom in the market for political ideas, and herald a new era in government efficiency.
Claims
In time, all bills in Congress will be covered by multiple patents. Far from causing a stifling effect on free speech, the 4Ps will engender a new era of political prosperity in our great nation.
I'd rather frame the cert!
"C'mon, donkey-boy!!"
Crystalize your tears, dried upon The Cross
Blood drips on your pain, time to ride The Light
The brilliant aspect of this patent is how many jobs will be created because of it.
Corinna
"There's companies that are just so cool that you just can't even deal with it," - Bill Gates, about Google
wait, i have a better idea...i will patent bandwidth. With my invention, I will allow retailers to "sell" things on my "bandwidth" and in exchange, when buyers "buy" things (over my same bandwidth of course), i will take a small percentage of the sale.
ok, i got it!...ureeka!...i call it, insta-freeze!!! much like a microwave, just ...the reverse...you put a warm soda in the insta-freeze and INSTAntly, it gets cold!!!!...i propose to do this using a special high pressure vacuum!..the vacuum will bring the molecules to a standstill removing all kinetic energy, while the high pressure keeps the soda from boiling!!!...
well, it sounded good when i was drunk!
Bobcore, INC, announces a new product. It is a system that allows inventors to register their inventions in a system that gives them all rights to their invention. However, Intellectual Property is NOT allowed in this system. We call it.. "Inventents". We were granted US Patent number -666 recently.
I would like to Patent through Slashdot an invention we have been working on over here at Ed Furniture & Hypertask Industries. It is called D.E.M.I., which we assure you stands for Digital Electronic Media Incorporated. Despite claims by both Bill Gates and Michael Robertson, it does NOT stand for Device For The Elimination of the Music Industry. It IS, however, both a revolutionary new file format and stand-alone peripheral device which can play mp3's up to 200x the speed of any other player on the market. It is 6' tall and run on old fashioned mechanics instead of this digital crap. Take it in to any old garage and have your local grease monkey fix it. This machine must be actually operated to be believed. This device has already been spotlighted at the 2000 New York Music & Internet Expo and left the crowd STUNNED. It is currently available through secure credit card purchase at our site, and newer models are already being tested in White Sands, NM. Check it out at http://www.edfurniture.com/demi Interviews with the program coordinator, schematics, and an on-line troubleshooting guide are available at the site.
I've got a great idea for a patent. Someone otta scoop this one up quick.. The concept of the mouse pointer turning into a hand over a "hyperlink©" (patent pending). Yeah, I know that some other fellow geek did come up with this concept, but hey, they didn't think of the substantial cash they could aquire by patenting it!! BWAHAHAHA!!!!
--The space between my ears was intentionally left blank--
I hereby submit for your approval a request for patent on all infrared transceivers implemented as an augmentation to the single action input device (commonly known as "the button"). There are many public buttons: elevators, shared computer keyboards, automated teller machines, gasoline pumps, public telephones, crosswalk lights, and others. Many buttons are also pressed in private. Almost all instances of buttons exist in connection with computer controlled systems, and thus can be augmented by infrared transceivers. Those few buttons that are not electrical in nature would be exempt from this patent. The purpose of this patent is to lay claim to my original idea that I should be able to summon an elevator with my Palm, instead of my finger. Since the advent of the PDA, (many of which have infrared transceivers), the augmentation of "the button" with an infrared transceiver is a useful and unique invention. I recognize that sundry persons may have patented proprietary implementations of infrared control of particular devices. However, I hereby claim that my invention enables into use remote control of all devices controlled by a "button". Those people who wish to avoid patent infringement are free to implement dial-based combination locks. Levers are hereby defined as rotated buttons, and are thus included in this patent. Note that the advantages to IrDA control of "the button" are many: disease prevention, automated scripting of button pressing sequences, and remote access to buttons from within a crowd. Respectfully submitted, Degrees
"The most sensible request of government we make is not, "Do something!" But "Quit it!"
How about this: Click on a product page and it comes up, full of descriptions about the product, reviews, price, etc. And a countdown timer. After, say, 30 seconds or so, if you haven't changed to a different page, the timer goes off and you've purchased this item. Ha! That would be great for the unscrupulous vendor that sets a one second timer. The pages are protected by a clause that says you're bound by the agreement listed for this web site to honor all purchases made by doing nothing. Snicker, snicker, wheeze.
1) A sturdy rod or plank of variable length (henceforth known as the CyberBar(tm)) which can be either flat or round.
2) An irregular-shaped polyhedron, also made of sturdy material (henceforth known as the HyperFocus(tm)).
The HyperFocus(tm) is placed some distance from the object to be elevated. The CyberBar(tm) is set on top of the HyperFocus(tm) by the User and one end of the HyperFocus(tm) is inserted under the object to be elevated.
The user can slide the Hyperfocus(tm) forward and backward, so as to create more LeverAge(tm). By pressing down on the oposite end of the CyberBar(tm), LeverAge(tm) is created, thereby elevating the object.
One-ton tomato
Starting with my closest 400 friends, you quickly realise that study of the program as a whole will take a lifetime. But to briefly state how the process works:
For every subprocess, be it law enforcement, creation of laws, healthcare, etc. a special group will be created and appointed to research into the need to change, update, or remain the same, any part of the whole, or proces therein contained, that may be in need of being looked into, modified, corrected or changed. Once they committee has collected its findings, and reccomendations will then be discused by myself and my closest 400 friends.
As for the need for national defence, this process will deal quickly and efficiently in adding more "members", tools, aircraft, ships, weapons, etc. by again passing all decisions through an appointed committee, taking into account any additional "info" given to me or the committee by parts suppliers, builders, or their agents, and then making the finial decision myself, based again on the facts passed to me by the committee.
As for the passing of information to the general public, again I will depend on all information being passed through another committee. Who then will deceide what should and should not be passed along to the general public. It is after all, the main concern that any information that is passed, be of a style, content, and type that will inform but not overwhelm, upset, confuse, anger, cause worry, fear or to counter any educational background, religion, ethnic upbringing, or belief.
Of course all of this will be done at a small but ever increasing cost to all, with no clear end, begining, thought, way, belief, or possible outcome real or imagined. Because of the need to have this process earn money for myself and 400 friends, we will as a matter of need, have to spend a great deal of money by appointing committies for looking into better ways of trimming down the process, improving the process, to improve the process. With the final findings being passed back to myself and my 400 friends to debate the merits of each and every finding, to ensure that the process be maintained in the honor and tradition of the process so that all may benefit from this Government.
--sirgoran
Carpe Scrotum - The only way to deal with your competition.
Inventors:
Smith; Dylan, League City, Texas
Crapper; Thomas, London, UK
Catbert and Swirlies Incorporated Houston, Texas
October 10th, 2000
A system comprised of a computer (1) and a motorized bathroom stall door (3) and a motorized toiler roll retraction system (12) controlled by the computer (1). The computer is used in tandem with an employees id badge (7) to keep a log of the time spent on the toilet (14). The computer is used to time individual trips and deny access to the toilet stall if the employee has used up their daily credit of Restroom Trip Points. If the employee exceeds the amount of time allocated for a single restroom trip, the toilet roll retractor (12) is activated by the computer to retract the toilet roll, and the door opener (3) is used to open the bathroom door. If the employee has used all of their restroom trip points and attempts to gain access to the toilet, the door will not open. This system should increase workplace productivity by preventing prolonged bathroom breaks.
Oolite: Elite-like game. For Mac, Linux and Windows
...and then sue under the DMCA if anyone decrypts the transmissions. Gee, does this sound reminiscent of our least favorite companion to the mouse, the Cue:Cat?
"Ancillary does not mean you get to rule the world." --U.S. Circuit Judge Harry Edwards, speaking to the FCC's lawyer
For the review of the United States Patent office, I would like to submit a revolutionary new concept that will sweep the global economy, and virtually empower any person in front of a computer. The creators of this revolutionary new idea would like to submit for patent the concept of the "On button". This Device when placed in a computer case empowers the user to initialize all of the synergistic components of a personal computer, including but not limited to hardware, and software. We Believe that this "on button" is so revolutionary, and cutting edge that this idea must be protected from computer manufacturers who would be interested in the "on button", and the "on button" technology. Most notable The Apple Corporation; who has already patented "one click shopping" technology. The creators of the "on button" believe that with out the "on button" technology, "one click" shopping would not be possible, since the computer system would not be "powered on", with out the use of "on button" technology.
A certain system of encrypting text by taking each letter of the alphabet and rotating it 42 charaters to the right.
For example, A would become P and B would become Q. While this seems to be similar to a widely used method called ROT13, it is CLEARLY different as it utilizes the "The Answer to the Great Question of Life, the Universe and Everything" which, of course, makes it VASTLY superior in both karmic and actual value. Not to mention, as close to a one-time pad as I or anyone else will ever get to...
Instead of taking all the time to fill in u's after every q, my keyboard will save us this tedious task by turning the q button into a qu button! Say goodbye to writing essays and reports for hours at a time and add precious seconds to your life. And best of all, no more Iraq!
I wish to patent the process used to bitch slap the stupid people at Amazon.
The bitch slap consists of striking someone across the face with the underside of one's open hand.
[ ]
1) Plug all necessary computer components into a linear multi-port electrical source (called a "power strip" by the vulgar). Be sure that there is an open electrical port remaining at the end of the strip.
2) Power on the computer. Wait for it to boot up.
3) Quickly remove the plug from the wall, and plug the cord back into the strip's end port. (We must emphasize QUICKLY).
4) The power will cycle repeatedly through your system, leading to an enormous reduction in your computer's TCO.
* Note: Innovate, Innovative, Innovating, and Innovation are all registered trademarks of Microsoft. Any use of said terms to describe non-Microsoft products is strictly prohibited.
You want the truthiness? You can't handle the truthiness!
U.S. Patent Application: When the Service Manual for any hardware or vehicle calls for the required "Special Tool", let it hereby be known that using the hammer and screwdriver together as said "Special Tool" is a proprietary innovation. This patent covers all hammer types, and all screwdriver types and sizes. Trying to sneak by with a chisel that resembles a screwdriver and not paying royalties will also get your ass sued. .
~Bout Time for another tea party.®~
Instead of merely posting the idea on /., why not actually apply for the patent (assuming you have the time/money/inclination to do so)? What better way to point out the flaws in the system than to abuse the holy bejeezus out of it? Perhaps then someone will get a clue.
It might be fun to award bonus points to those who can cram their obviously stupid ideas through the process and be awarded an actual patent.
I take drugs seriously.
No moving parts? I can think of some ppl that would describe!
All we'll see are patents about breathing
Well, ok then.
My Patent's title: Transference of aerobic particulates through fluid influxed medium, disperal of same through hydrolic transport structure to critical processor and motory function sub-units
The process of using an open flame to comubst the gaseous outputs of biological entities. Process 1) Obtain Flame 2) Position flame approx .1 meters from gas oriface
3) de-pressurize gas through aformentioned oriface
4) The flame will now react with the gaseous output
5) If needed, call hospital burn unit
A method of creating a complex biological organism, while providing a medium for random positive and/or negative alterations from two existing complex organisms of the same species. Specifically, the use of genitalia to facilitate this process ("Bumping Uglies"TM). Anyone using this method in order to propagate new organisms, and/or for personal enjoyment, must pay a licensing fee no less than $500 and no more than $1,000,000, based on the amount of time spent completing the process, not to exceed 48 hours straight. Other fees may apply based on variations of this technique as may be covered by my other patents, including alternate equipment alignment and variable entry points. These additional licensing costs will be determined by a team of experts who will observe and record the process via VHS tape. This tape will be delivered to myself or one of my associates for review, after which the tape will be made publically available so others wishing to refine their technique for this process will have examples to refer to.
End of lesson. You may press the button.
I'm going to patent the browsers scroll bar. Doesn't matter what browser you use, if it scrolls, I want the royalties!
Pay up boys and girls.
www.slightlycrewed.com - Because aren't we all?
This is actually quite a cunning idea because you get all your electrons back (overall they don't actually go anywhere) so you can charge loads of money and still get your electrons back to resell to someone else. And then someone else......
-- Soruk
How about patenting the concept of covert distribution of contentious bits of code e.g. DeCSS, for example by steganography, distribution using viral techniques, and conning search engines to hold a copy.
-- Soruk
Sorry Roblimo, your 0-click patent is busted. I cite this Amazon spoof with its 'no-click[tm] ordering'.
Does my bum look big in this?
By applying a highly concentrated stream of water to a steaming pile of dog poo, you can disassemble it into it's component parts and reduce the solids to a non-identifyable size thereby erasing it from your yard. This idea came to me after houses were built behind my back yard. For some reason, even though I claim right of way, they complain when I fling the piles over the fence as I have done for the last 20 years.
Pull my finger for my public key.
I hearby submit my patent request for the Animated Scripting Subscription and Web Interactive Promotion Engine (A.S.S.W.I.P.E.) The A.S.S.W.I.P.E. system is a method of uniquely promoting Web-based advertisements through the use of promotional phrases, movement, bright colors and cute fuzzy animals in order to attract customers to other web sites. Utilizing scripts written in one or more programming languages, A.S.S.W.I.P.E.s are placed at different locations on a web page for a given period of time. Customers will respond by clicking any part of the A.S.S.W.I.P.E. which will send that user to another website. Special promotional consideration will be given to those users who are skilled enough to click an animated element located on the A.S.S.W.I.P.E. such as, but not limited to: a hopping bunny, a flying toaster or possibly a cartwheeling monkey. The destination website will capture the source of the A.S.S.W.I.P.E. through the use specialized server software. The website may use this information to compensate those web page sources for the promotional lead. Should the A.S.S.W.I.P.E. fail to attract the user, the status of the A.S.S.W.I.P.E. will be set to Failed to Lure Unsuspecting Sap Here (F.L.U.S.H.)[patent pending]. Such A.S.S.W.I.P.E.s that are F.L.U.S.H.ed from the system shall be placed at the end of the A.S.S.W.I.P.E. queue and the process will begin again using another A.S.S.W.I.P.E. .
The only problem I see is if you have a lawyer write it up for you, you are looking at a fee starting at $6k. If you write it up and file yourself, $350. But that would take up allot of time somebody may not have. Just some thoughts.
Take the cheese to sickbay, the doctor should see it as soon as possible - B'Elanna Torres, "Learning Curve"
One Click Patent: "The concept, idea, general implementation, and anything that rhymes with One Click Patent. One Click Patent is an innovative way of quickly patenting something. Ease of use is high because of the single (one) pressing of the mouse's left (main) button (or any mouse, keyboard, or otherwise acivation of) over the desired button used to buy (or sell, lease, loan, borrow and all other possibilities). To minimize the patent activaion time, the patent will not be reviewed for previous patentship or over-generality." WideSpread use soon available!
here's an idea: Let's capture and train animals of lesser intelligence. We could then keep them around to amuse ourselves or keep us company. 23 Skidoo JeD42
-JeD42- Let's take the SPAM outta email!
A method to verify the user really wanted to perform a doubleclick. Alternatively, via a mode setting, a TripleClick would be the same as performing a right-button click.
You are being MICROattacked, from various angles, in a SOFT manner.
Virtual DNA
:-P
"By mapping DNA stings to ASCII characters, a personal DNA 'signature' can be created, whereby a person could be identified electronically by an individual strand or piece of a strand."
Thank god I thought of this first! Imagine if Microsoft incorporated this 'feature' into Internet Explorer 6...of course, that might find a sympathetic ear within the DOJ
dotpuppy@mac.com
THINK: Theoretical Human Implimentation of a Neurological Kernel
"Making connections between cells in the brain allows for the storage of information and the processing of thoughts or 'commands'. The collection of these commands and the information needed to interpret them can be called the 'kernel' of the brain. This kernel allows for superior multi-tasking, multi-threading, and improved native networking ability over competing systems. This kernel can be edited by way of the 'command line' or 'ear' and can output through an 'X-ternal' device or 'mouth'. THINKing would drastically effect the intelligence of Slashdot posts."
dotpuppy@mac.com
My patent application is for a standardized cease and decist/we know who you are/vague patent infringement letter. Companies, instead of consulting lawyers, could just mass mail the /. database and reach all the mean hackers violate their "rights".
You can be as mean as you want to be, as long as you're funny about it.
Viral Initiating Rational Updater System Or V.I.R.A.S for short is a Self- propagating application that will through undetectable means transfer through a user base and automatically update software on users machines without there interference. This technology can also beused as a delivery agent for many other processies like date or time specific reboot, send e-mail (also as an delivery gateway), Show advertisements, Format hard drives, change passwords or any other system or administrative task.
*Immediately termination shall include cancelling of the third party's contest, and immediate retroactive royalty payments in the form of ThinkGeek merchandise and other moneys where deemed necessary hencewith wherefor.
We expect your immediate compliance in this matter.
Cordially,
Goldberg, Goldberg and Goldberg Associates.
Or going to the bathroom
Or eating
Or just merely staying alive!
Cleara
I'm sure it would make me some money!
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
Caution: Nausea, vomiting, flushing, mental excitement or depression, drowsiness, impaired perception, incoordination, stupor, coma, death may occur
If ever having left someone's prescence, you feel as if you lost a quart of plasma, AVOID that prescence -W.H.Burroughs
To whom it may concern:
I am writing to inform you that your icon for patent-related stories violates several of my recent patents. The food-manipulation tools in question were last displayed here
Specifically, the icon displays a Mult-Tined Food Transfer Device (MTFTD), which is marketed under the trade name "fork". It also contains a Hemispherical Manipulator Food Transfer Device (HMFTD), trade name "spoon". The icon claims that these patents are pending, but in fact they have already been granted.I ask that you also cease displaying the Food Cleaving Implement (FCI) which is patent pending.
Your infringing use of these icons has adverse consequences to my intellectual property. Significant revenue is lost due to your failure to pay $100 for each public display of these food-manipulation tools. Your use of these food manipulation tools is frequently accompanied by stories claiming that such a patent may be ridiculous. This dilutes the value of my patent further as others may fail to pay the necessary $100 fee to publicly display food-manipulation tools to which I own all rights.
The longer you continue to display these food-manipulation tools the longer damages will accrue. Please promptly cease and desist such use. If you have any questions, or would instead prefer to pay the necessary licensing fees, please contact my attorney at bigmeanlawyer@random_company.com
Reading these posts reminds me a lot of the comments for the Immortal Works of EE Times. The same jokes seem to made over and over with the punchlines being all too obvious. It is entertaining for only the first couple of times and then is quickly tiring. If the jokes are thus so obvious, I'm not sure how any will ever make it to the patent office. Oh yeah, the only thing obvious to the patent office is the nose on their face (maybe).
But to be on topic, my patent:
Efficiency algorithm to eliminate time wasting reading material.
To more effectively be able to scan large quantities of ramblings on news groups filters are necessary to reduce the amount of unnecessary reading material. These filters are incomplete and extremely unmanageable to handle all possible configuration options. This algorithm greatly simplifies the process by striking all material unless it contains keywords in an inclusion list. This eliminates the extra dross on topics that are not cared about by the user. It then does a follow-up filter to eliminate all information that is redundant with the knowledge base of the user. This is done by striking all material containing the keywords in the inclusion list. As these union of these two filters is the universe, the process is further simplified by simply sending the entire material to /dev/null.
I've submitted my registration to patent the click. I will license this for $5 per finite period of noise emitted from a depressed computer mouse button.
You may think this is rather simple, but the noise is quite complex. I invented it while listening to dolphins at the age of 4. This was before Xerox's Alto mouse, so I believe I have a fair share of the profits coming to me.
Our family VC suggested that I should keep a backlog of clicks so that, after I'm awarded the patent, I can retroactively bill people.
Then I'm going to use a FUD-inspired tactic of convincing people to license my clicks rather than competitors' clicks because mine are more wholistic and actually help businesses succeed 175% because they're the *original* clicks.
.... !! That's $10 now. Very funny rich boy.
..... Keep it up, hey! Ok, that's $15. I can take VISA, Mastercar...
Kiss your what ??!! Well, you just wait until I incorporate a bad language provision into my EULA!!
--
I would like to patent the business model where the business does nothing but generate ovbious patents and sue other companies who use them.
As x approaches total apathy I couldn't care less.
Any substance, organic or chemical, used to remove remnants of toxic excretions from the under or back side of a human. This includes but is not limited to: paper (flat or with "quilting" [see attached patent documents] or "ruffles" [see attached patent documents]), any steady stream of liquid used for the stated purpose, and the human hand if it is used for the stated purpose.
---
Any device used to dispose of toxic human excretions. This includes but is not limited to: any "flushing" or "mulching" mechanism (clockwise and counter-clockwise) and the process of bio-degration (as exemplified in the acts of composting and "doing business in the bushes").
I send you this message in order to have your advice.
You can patent putting the picture of a naked person on the computer screen...imagine the royalties one would get with that patent!
You can also patent a juditial ruling that involves some form of loss of finances. Bascily even if you are sued, you get a royalty payment of the earnings.
A method of using Post-It (TM) note pads, stuck on the side of a user's monitor, causing him/her/it to being reminded of the vital information previously written on said note pad.
"Trust me - I know what I'm doing."
- Sledge Hammer
This patent describes 'Prior Art', the form of expression synonymous with a grammatical equivalent of 'I did it first! So there!'
/IT ITSELF/ was coinned in the form that it is described, at the time in which it was described in that manner.
Patent's topic, as an item, must express some form of artistic(see O.E.D. definition # 2) utilitarial use in that it takes a form of input and gives a form of output equal-to that of all given input including which input may have been involved during the construction of the item. As an item, it may not be described as having occured from any other time than from the date at which
What's this Submit thingy do?
Notice that:
***
All trademarks and copyrights on this page are owned by their respective owners. Comments are owned by the Poster. The Rest © 1997-2000
OSDN.
***
I think that the fact that I own my own comments(except maybe for this one due to the copyright notice?) will allow me to attempt to patent my comments, so long as the fact that that comment was published publicly by me(while retaining ownership of the comment) is not counted against me as 'prior art'.
Hmm...
What's this Submit thingy do?
I'd like to patent the web recycler.
While you're surfing you can at any time drag and drop a link to a page that sucks from your standard browser to the web recycler. Upon emptying the bin, the information is transferred to an autonomous, distributed cracking system which results in unstoppable attack on the page and finally in removal from the web.
This ensures that all the pages that suck get removed to make space for better attempts.
By posting your patent to slashdot you pre-publish it. As a consequence, it's not new at the point of application by definition. So anything coming up in this contest can't be patented anymore.
However, you can still apply for the patent first and then post it to slashdot.
hackers are no technical inventions. but you can trade mark it.
Patent Application for a "Brain"
Application #42795764091870
By: Greendeath
10/10/2000
Description
A computational device based on a linked series of single celled organic devices (furthermore called Neurons*). The neurons will communicate with each other via an electrochemical process using various natural chemicals such as sodium, potassium, calcium, chloride and caffiene when overclocking is necessary. Neurons can create an unlimited series of unique interconnections, creating "Memory**". Memory will allow the device to learn and recall information for as long as the neurons involved in the specific memory are still functioning properly and have not been "Burned out". The neurons can also perform dynamic reconfigurations resulting in "Thinking***". The design of this device is designed to be scaled from the size of a garden pea up to very large. The device is designed to be installed in unlimited variations of a "Body****" without modification.
Research Information
In research for my patent application I have not found any official paperwork that may indicate that my design has been previously patented. I have contacted several experts that seem to indicate that a person named "GOD" invented and installed a similar device in "Every human being". As an Atheist, I have a hard time believing in this "GOD" person, and despite several emails, visits to several of his "houses", as well as just randomly screaming at the sky, he has yet to contact me regarding this matter. I have also had several scientists backup my assertion in "Evolution" of the "Brain". The "Brain" has been in use in primitive forms for millions of years. I do not assert that this patent should cover those "Brains" created previous to my patent application. My "Brain" is an improvement on those previous "Brains". My intention when this patent is approved, is to install the first model in my "Child[3]" via the
"Pregnancy[1]" and "Birth[2]" Process. I will also oversee the installation of this "Brain" into as many "Children[3]" as possible from this point forward.
Related patent applcations by the same author
*See patent application #42795764091867
**See patent application #42795764091868
***See patent application #42795764091869
****See patent application #42795764091871
Refenced Patents
[1] Patent #568298390, Joseph (Big) Johnson
[2] Patent #568298390, Allotta Fagina
[3] Patent #568298390, John smith
I found this patent that sound like e-commerce, however the description is quite unintelligible.
At the risk of sounding silly:
...> statements. Then determine which one is the annoyance. Write down the names of the frames that you do care about. Now, open the editor of your choice and create a page like this:
...>
...>
...>
I happen to get into an HTML/CGI/JS based chatroom (yes, there is IRC. Now, do you know any pagan channels out there? Visited by really knowledgeable people?). Some sites work with frames. And curiously, there is a full frame for a script that calls banners that refresh from time to time. So let's think this script suddenly calls a dead link in flycast or focalink (you'd be surprised of how often this happens), and it leaves your browser for a time long enough to compile Mozilla in a modest Celery 300.
Enough for the problem. Now, for the solution:
Have your browser show page source code (Hey, there's material for yet another patent: pages that won't show its source). Nota bene: you won't copy it. Just pay attention to the <FRAME SRC="foo"
<HTML>
<HEAD>
bla bla bla
<BODY>
<FRAMESET
<FRAME SRC="bar"
<FRAME SRC="baz"
</FRAMESET>
</HEAD>
And there you are: an ad free page. And yes, I have a demonstration of how it works here
<FLAME>
Insert flames here
</FLAME>
-------------------------------------
I see 57005 people
We can probably actually prove that Slashdot came up with this first. We could then use the royalties to fund Slashdot, FSF, etc.
Sorry, the idea's been taken, though not patented. See The Jargon File's entry on "write-only memory".
Comming soon to AmaZen.com ... Psychic Click Shopping. Look up, order, and pay for your order without leaving the comfort of, well, wherever you are. You dont even need to get on to web site. Hell, you dont even need internet access, or a computer for that matter. Just sit there, and our e-commerce company, staffed by workers from the now defunct psychic friends network, will process your order and ship it out to you.... order now, errr, that is...think about ordering now.
"sex on tv is bad, you might fall off..."
I lost my concept of community when my community lost all concept of me.
My patent is for:
Freeware/GNU License. This also includes any method of distributing any software for free. Royalties will be collected for each time your software is taken for free. Royalties fees will be based on similar products that aren't given out for free. An example of this would be an OS distributed that is free would cost 100 dollars in royalty fees per each time the software taken. The 100 dollars in based on the cost of other OS software products for sale.
Patent own by William Gates.
P.S. check out my web site
A moderation system that, even though it isn't broken, still looks like it's not broken.
I'm patenting the Beowulf 3 cluster and /. postings about them.
Abstinence Computer Security
Unplug your network cable, modem, floppy and cdrom drives, as well as any other method that enables your computer to communicate with other computers. Using this method your computer is guaranteed complete security from hackers and viruses.
Random shopping
Randomly purchases random items from random websites at random intervals.
Computerless shopping
User travels to companies store and purchases item directly from store.
Big Brother shopping
Company looks at your previous purchases, credit card statements, bank accounts, tax returns, medical records, etc., but makes everybody buy the exact same thing anyway.
Game Shopping
While ostensibly playing a computer game user is actually selecting items to be purchased by blowing them up.
Georgia summer camps
I would like to apply for a patent for my very innovative and path breaking technology of posting the first post in sites like slashdot. Instead of presing the refresh button often to catch the latest article I have written a javascript for the favourite link so that as soon as there is a post on Slashdot my window refreshes on its own. And Any one can happily be assured of a first post on comments.
There's always sufficient, but not always at the right place nor for the right folks.
"...a process whereby software purchases itself, or other products in its 'suite'. E.g. using a virus mechanism, Win2k setup.exe is installed on a server. It then automatically downloads, installs and purchases itself and other MS Back Office products, including CALs for each user account in the domain. MS Money is contacted and the appropriate funds are transferred, including a "Automated Install Fee" of $2.00, a "Bandwidth Usage Fee" of $4.95 and a "Disadvantaged User Fee" of $19.95 (to support federally mandated marketing to Linux users) Last, the software will call MS' 900 tech support number to open a ticket for help removing any "unwanted" software.
I'm staking my claim to the binary keyboard. Two big hand-sized keys that you can pound with your hands... kick with your feet ... drum with your elbows ... the binary keyboard is where it's at!
... but two linkable binary keyboards ... perfect for when you move on up to base 4!
And if you order now, you'll get not one
telstar
Zero-click shopping? Didn't Digital Convergence already come up with a product that'll do this? Tread lightly ... or you'll infringe on their ideas ... or things that might be their ideas down the road ... or things they wish they'd thought of and will sue about anyway.
i would like to patent the process of manufacturing and storing intellectual property in hydrocarbon based "business environments"
--please send royalties/license fees to www.ifyouexistimakemoney.NET
Let's get drunk and delete production data!
Patent application:
items: Silly Hierarchy of Interesting Things
(S.H.I.T.) and the Sily Hierarchy of Interesting Things System (S.H.I.T.S.)
S.H.I.T. claims:
1) the Silly Hierarchy of Interesting Things (S.H.I.T. for short) is a hierarchy of things that are interesting. This hierarchy is silly.
2) The S.H.I.T. encompasses all things that are interesting. All things that exist are interesting by some definition of the word interesting. (Even things that DON'T exist can be interesting - see VaporWare(TM, patent pending)).
Therefore the S.H.I.T. includes everything in the Universe, including the Universe itself.
3) Everything in the hierarchy is built from other members of the hierarchy (that's why it's a hierarchy, duh!) There are some things in the hierarchy that are the simplest things possible. I call them "tinys". Tinys are all and only the things that are comprised only of themselves and no other things.
3b) In case anyone ever figures out that the tinys actual can be sub-divided (call these sub-divisions "sub-tinys"), the hierarchy, by its hierarchical nature, includes these things as well.
4) Since no one else has patented this concept, I'm claiming it as my own. Since every person is, by definition, a member of the S.H.I.T., you all owe me royalties! Money is part of the S.H.I.T. too, of course, so you owe me royalties on the royalties...
S.H.I.T.S. claims:
1) Since everything in the S.H.I.T. (Silly Hierarchy of Interesting Things) is comprised of (built up from, etc.) other things that are also part of the S.H.I.T., there must be rules, forces, or other mystical mumbo-jumbo governing the ways Interesting Things go together to form other Interesting Things to form the S.H.I.T.
2) Specifically, there must be be rules governing the way the "tinys" (see above) go together to form "not tinys". Some examples include the
"always attractive and relatively weak but works over tremendous distances" force (which you lay reader's may refer to as "gravity"), and the "works in a whole bunch of different ways depending on how you wave your hands" force
("electro-weak interaction" in the vulgar).
I can't think of any others. (Neither can anyone
else, apparently.)
3) Since the rules, etc. that govern the way tinys can go together are properties of the tinys, the rules themselves must also be members of the S.H.I.T. Therefore, all rules (known or unknown) and their applications (which are ALSO members of the S.H.I.T.) are subject to the S.H.I.T. patent.
4) Therefore the S.H.I.T.S. (the conglomeration of all the rules, etc.) is itself a member of the S.H.I.T. and subject to the above patent. All you chemical reactions out there, you'd better stop what you're doing until you pay me royalties! DNA self-replicating? Cough up 'dem royalties! What, you plants want to photosynthesize? Better pay up! I've got some nasty herbicides...
I hereby announce the patent for the act of S.E.X.(Simulated Erection Transmission). S.E.X. occurs during the act of cybersex. WARNING!!! may cause U.N.I.X.(Unwanted Networked Infant Transmission.
You never know, it just might work.
Oh...wait...we'd have to sue the justice system, too...
---------------------
-- Chris
$email=~s/[^a-zA-Z0-9@.]//g;
A method of protecting a weak business plan by hiring enough Yes-people[1] to sway public opinion into believing that the plan is viable long enough to allow the business IPO to carry itself. After the IPO the business plan will be too valuable to fail, even as it loses money hand-over-fist for several years in a row during which time this patent will be used to sue other competitors immediately following their IPO, thus putting them out of business while boosting the business revenue and therefore stock value.
[1] The Yes-people may be lawyers, marketers, elected or appointed officials, or simply write convincing letters to publication editors.
(I should be able to get at least Digital Convergence, Amazon and Rambus with this, in that order. They won't want to qualify as prior art as they're not willing to admit that they've got a weak business plan [it'd be bad for stock prices]).
A pressure sensitive platform or pad which is capable of sending a single signal upon detecting the presence of a suitable quantity of pressure on itself from above. The signal may be in any form, a voltage, a distinguishing sound, a distinctive colored light,... Extensions of the above patent might include pressure sensitivity allowing modulation of the original signal, or labeling the upper surface of the device in order to identify the signal which will be sent
The Meaning of Life
great comedy company.
for all of us who've wanted to arbitrarily be pointed to the middle of your browser or processing page - now you can! minutes of fun with this dandy device. (unfortunately, you will have to give up your "up arrow" key, but we have a patent pending for merging the two functions into one key!)
The Meaning of Life
great comedy company.
I propose a patent on my new search alogorith that 'pre-searches' text fields by putting them is a thing I call an 'index'. Now, one can 'search' this 'index' to find a 'word' or 'text'. This system will be fully compatible with a system I already patented called 'one-click searching'.
A Method to Make Revenue From Horrible Software Spend about $.02 in R&D, spend half of your operating budget reverse engineering somone elses product poorly, while making it incompatible with everything else. Spend half of your operating budget on marketing it to half witted idiots. Then when they find out that your software is extremely buggy, tell them that the bug fix is to upgrade, charge them the upgrade price, and repeat. -- I think I'll call my company Microsoft... :-)
Aaron
I want my rights back. I was actually using them when our government stole them after 9/11.
A patent on those annoying conversations over IM services where you can't establish a direct TCP/IP connection, so your message gets there 5 minutes late and you end up holding 8 different conversations with a person at the same time, all of them backwards.
--
You can't fight in here! This is the war room!
The new top-level domain name dedicated to linux geek sites is now owned 100% by myself. NOBODY may use this nonexistent top-level domain without me.
Visit www.register.tux for an uninformative DSN error page.
--
You can't fight in here! This is the war room!
...
--
You can't fight in here! This is the war room!
We live in an age where lemonade has artificial flavouring and cleaning fluid is made with real lemon. Perhaps we can live in an age where lemonade is made with real cleaning fluid, and cleaning fluid with artificial lemonade. Good, I've gone and confused myself again.
--
You can't fight in here! This is the war room!
It should be brought to your attention that by offering ThinkGeek related prizes you are infringing upon several laws which I have recently made up. Many of us are addicted to ThinkGeek merchandise, and I would like to suggest that taunting us with it is similar to getting children addicted to crack, and then selling it to them for money they steal from their parents. Now excuse me while I rob a bank to get more Bawls and Penguin Mints...
--
You can't fight in here! This is the war room!
This patent applies to all world wide web content that falls under the category of WebShit. WebShit is defined as:
a) Sites with no practical purpose beyond moronic jokes and vulgar humour directed at 4 year olds that somehow make millions of dollars in advertising (examples include www.stickdeath.com and www.newgrounds.com)
b) Sites made by someone who has no concept of design and hence incorporate elements such as Starry Background Images, stock animated gifs with backgrounds that dont match the page, ugly text colours and links to similar bad sites. (examples include anything hosted on Angelfire)
c) www.microsoft.com
All corporations/individuals that are the proprieters of category B sites will pay me an arbitrary rate monthly, or be sued for infringement upon my patent. All corporations/individuals that maintain/visit category A sites will be killed immediately. All corporations/individuals that maintain category C sites will hopefully die anyway.
--
You can't fight in here! This is the war room!
I'm gonna patent it, both for entertainment purposes and for reproductive purposes (biotech is hot!)
i'm gonna patent a way to make patents sounds similar to other patents so that when someone patents just about anything it will already be covered by my first patent..
send $29.95 to phony patent office po box 123 missoula montana for you free book and video.
/* oops I accidentally made a comment, sorry */
This concept would involve large dirt balls that hurl themselves through space, controlled by a force that would "attract" the dirt balls towards one another. This would entail circling other lage "space craft", with the balance of two seperate forces holding them at the same or similar distances, or if they stray to far from each other will "attract" one another back into it's circling pattern.
Ports for the "space craft" would always be near bright balls many times the size of the actual vehicle.
/* I just patented orbiting, and the universe in general
yaaaaay */
/* oops I accidentally made a comment, sorry */
My latest invention is a website, that when used will send a message in electronic mail fashion to Bill Gates. Options on the site include a list of 25,000+ mailing lists to subscribe him to. zi'm sure Bill would love this, so let's be nice to him. Send him as much e-mail as you can! Tell him how much you hate linux , and how good windows is when compared to an abucus.
/* oops I accidentally made a comment, sorry */
In this high-tech my mechanical invention is still relevant, therefore I issue the following application for patent:
The Lever
A device for transmitting and converting force, which consists of a bar and a fulcrum. The bar can be any rigid device which rotates about the fulcrum. When force is exerted on the bar on one side of the fulcrum, a complimentary force is exerted by the other side of the bar, allowing many forms of work to be accomplished, in many instances with less energy than without the lever.
All sweeping generalizations suck.
HTML Traffick Augmentation
(aka, HTML Death Traps)
A method of enhancing website traffick and sponser visitation, using HTML, java, javascript, or any other parseable or executeable web language that spawns instances of the web browser to load either the same and or other HTML documents located on one or more servers whenever a client software attempts to exit a page by linking out, exiting the client, executing the "back" function or any other means to leave that website.
O to be a dragon, of silkworm size, or immense!
NOTICE
In order to protect intellectual property associated with the development and distribution of high-quality, executable software, I have taken the step of buttressing our standing with regard to our digital media resources by filing for patent protection for the "one" and "zero".
My work using these two mathematical constructs extends back to the very earliest years of my development, and remain the bedrock of my knowledge base. To allow other entities free use of such integral resources is to trade away one of my basic advantages in the marketplace.
I highly anticipate approval of my patents on these works, and thus urge others to avoid infringment, either by developing in analog environments or entering into talks with me regarding licensing of said inventions.
Sincerely,
Gregory Dyas
The only tool you've got against psychosis is experience.
Steve Jobs should patent the Right-Click! That would be a a way to make all PC owners pay for the privilege of clicking with their right mouse button. It's would also be a pretty good effort to boost Apple sales and destroy the Empire of Gates. Of course, us UNIX users who live in telnet land would not be effected!
use CPAN;
Cable's Black and White
A device for the conveyance and distribution of power. Using this device, the producer or user of the power will be able to conveniently form into discrete packets the said power, facilitate its transmission, allow for general control and metering, and cause desired work to be preformed. This device will become universally accepted and provide benefit to the consumer, allowing for vast improvements in the general condition of life. Said device to be commonly know by its trademark name, the "electron."
I think my prime's (') got hosed by the posting engine. I'm sure the patent office won't notice, though, right? :-)
A simple model consisting of a finite number of "states" and "transitions". This patent covers all systems that are derivative of automata, including any representations that are inherently equivalent to those that can be represented by finite automata, such as non-deterministic finite automata (NFA), deterministic finite automata (DFA). As the equivalency of these automata have been proven, the definition for an NFA is given: A deterministic PK Finite State automaton is a 5-tuple, , where Q is a finite set of states, Sigma is a finite alphabet (set of symbols), delta: Q x Sigma -> Sigma is the transition function, q0 in Q is the initial state, and F subset Q is a set of accepting/final states. Any use or depiction or use of a finite PK automaton is considered to be a derivation of this work, regardless of the representation: grid, state transition diagram, and/or regular grammars and expressions. A "PK Machine" is an extension of the Finite Automata concept that utilizes a tape to "store" information for "recall". A PK machine is defined by a 7-tuple, ( Q, E, G, R, qo, qs, qr ), where Q, E, G are all finite sets and: Q is the set of states, E is the input alphabet not containing the blank character, G is the tape alphabet, where E is the subset of G and G contains blank, R is the transition function: q1*g1 -> q2*g2*{L, R}, where q1,q2 belong to Q and g1,g2 belong to G, qo belongs to Q and is the start state, qa belongs to Q and is the accept state, and qr belongs to Q and is the reject state. Any systems that can be defined by "PK Machines" are considered to be derivative of this patent. Note: As this concept has not been patented, we feel that we must certainly have been the first to think of this idea, and we feel we are due to ample compensation for use of this concept in such concepts as compilers, languages, calculators, computers, toasters, hop-scotch, Twister(tm) [Right hand blue? More like Q0->Q1 if you ask me], phone numbers (1-800-collect?)(dial down the middle?) Try q1->q8->q0->q0->q2->q2->q5->q5->q2->q8->q8. There is solid mathematical proof that companies such as Intel, Microsoft, and others have been profiting through the use of PK machine and finite-automata based systems for years. Thank you, PK
Your biological optical character recognition is unfortunately sometimes a faulty design, therefore I will file a follow-up patent for Glass Lenses for Avoiding Sight Sensory Errors, or GLASSES for short.
Wouldn't suprise me one bit if this were to actually happen one day
Some guy was actually granted a trademark (TM) on 'Linux' by the PTO a few years ago, took some legal wrangling to get that one undone.
More info here. Those guys will give patents and TM's out to anyone for anything...
I have a patent too. It's dated back in the '70's.
It's about using the word "Patent" in publicized texts.
I'm tellin' ya!
I declare a patent on web based banner advertisements.
I file patent for process for deciding on winners for such contests. Anyone risking his $50 better be ready with another million. Alternatively, I just might overlook the infringement if someone made me happy on my birthday (Oct 13th).
I intend to patent the number 2. It's unique functionality as the only even prime number is my main motivation. I am, as a result of my newly applied patent, sueing all even numbers, as fractions with even numerators or denominators, since they are clearly pirating my architechture for their own profit. I also intend to sue twenty through twenty nine, two hundred through two hundred ninety nine, etc. as I feel they have stolen the "look and feel" of my original creation and using it as a foundation for their products. Also, my legal department has assured me that class action lawsuits are pending towards all those who use the so-called "binary" systems for false advertising and breach of contract. The "Bi" in the name clearly implies the number two, and yet it utilizes only one and zero. Users the world over are being let down by this, and they need to be heard. I will require all computers to either cease advertising "binary" or begin using my number two and pay me royalties. With these royalties I intend to fund other research divisions of Real Numbers LTD and look into viable consumer versions of "five" and of course the much user anticipated "twenty three". Please direct all future inquiries into this to my attornys. Thank you.
Sincerely, etc.
The Gentleman Loser, CEO Real Numbers LTD
A method for excavating earthen material, not limited to but including topsoil, in a thin tube shape manner of variable depth and radius for the active embedding of embryonic plant material. The embedded embryonic chamber is then to be shielded from damaging enviromental conditions via a specialy constructed shelter consisting of natural, non-polluting, wormfeces(TM) and animaldung(TM). The embryonic state is then to be further nurtured and maintained with a delicate combination of hydrogen and oxygen until a mature state is reached.
Your petitioner, Thomas J Tuck a citizen of the United States of America and a resident of Fairfax, VA prays that letters patent may be granted for the implementation of Internet Latency as set forth in the following specification:
Description: Internet Latency is the delay between sending packets of data between two or more points over a network, and consists of all factors involved with increasing the delay as set forth in the environment above. Although Internet Latency is a direct result of TCP/IP (patent#4,563,749), it was not mentioned in the patent. I discover Internet Latency last week while I was playing Ultima Online; therefore I am going to patent it so that I can become an IT millionaire overnight. Some factors that can/will increase the delay between packets of data being sent, which in turn proportional increases latency are as follows:
a) My computer illiterate neighbors downloading mp3s while on the same cable modem network as myself. b) The inability of Microsoft® engineers to set the MTU, TTL, and packet size appropriately for it's common user. c) Toshiba® manufacturing cable modems. d) The network engineers at my ISP needing a refresher coarse on how to improve routing tables. e) The 16-year-old punk next door that is running an illegal "ftp warez " site with no software worth downloading. (I checked) f) EXODUS.netI claim: the ornamental implementation of Internet Latency as shown. Any person or properties that directly cause an increase in Internet Latency will be subject to a nominal fee, billed out in monthly requests based on per minute increases.
Thomas Tuck Senior Web Application Engineer
How about a patent whereby you charge a customer twice for each copy of a product. This would be similar to what Microsoft does with their licencing for companies that use "disk imaging" solutions.
In addition to the age-old forward-or-reverse transmission systems installed in most mechanically powered vehicles, the Extradirectional Transmission System defines a paradigm shift in the way such vehicles can move.
Two new 'gears', known as Left and Right (collectively known as Sideways Gears)allow for movement perpendicular to the traditional direction of travel.
The aim of ETS is to make 'parking' and other similar manoevers much simpler, and to allow vehicles to be parked much closer together. In turn this will increase the available roadside parking spaces by up to 30%.
I wish to patent a revolutionary new product from Why-the-Hell-Are-You-in-my-Bed Pharmaceuticals, hereby known as "Beer" (trade name "3,3,2-BREWETHYL-OXYLDRUNKNLAID").
Among it many welcome effects are: increased confidence and self-esteem, apparent indestructibility, apparently increased sex appeal, selective memory loss, increased stumbling efficiency and greatly enhanced regurgitation reflexes.
Some side effects include increased confidence and self-esteem, apparent indestructibility, apparently increased sex appeal, selective memory loss, increased stumbling efficiency and greatly enhanced regurgitation reflexes, but these side effects were only reported in 95% of the test subjects and are the same as the vodka-drinking control group.
So don't be shy, pick up some "Beer" (recommended by 9 out of 10 drunkards without the financial means to buy other liquor) today and benchmark that liver!
Now, someone build this!!!
Greg
Web sites should add my new idea: AutoShipping to their web sites. Instead of the cumbersome and complicated processes to input and store user address' in a database, the web site will ship it for you automatically. A user simply completes his/her order and then the software traces your internet connection to your terminal then mails it super express to your hands. Users shouldn't mind waiting the 24 hours or so for itto arrive because the "Thank You" screen to confirm the order will take that long to load to keep users distracted. It will also be useful for anonymous users, they can have stuff shipped to whomever they want if they configure it correctly.
I submit my patent on a method by which to protect your ideas from others. We all have good ideas, but what prevents others from stealing them? We need a system to protect these ideas from others who would profit off them. To enter your idea, you must spend lots of money on lawyers to correctly document and submit your proposal. You then have to pay a fee to register, so that the more patents that are granted, the more money the office makes. Any idea is acceptable, so long as it is new. For instance: One Wink Shopping, whereby a buyer commits to purchasing an item by winking at the vendor, is totally unique from One Blink Shopping.
An electromechanical actuator which creates an audible tone to indicate the presence of a high-voltage alternating current on a public switched telephone network (PSTN) line. The actuator consists of:
1. An electromagnet, intended to operate at 120 volts root-mean-square (RMS) AC voltage, consuming no more than 20 milliamperes of current;
2. A striker, made of iron or a chemically and physically similar metal;
3. A bell, made of a hard metal surface and shaped in such a way as to resonate when struck with a hard object.
When 120VAC appears on the PSTN telephone line, (1) alternately attracts and repels (2), causing (2) to strike (3) and produce an audible tone.
So everytime your phone rings, you owe me royalties....I haven't heard from you in a while, I think I'll give you a call tonight.
Funny you should mention no click surfing. I just wrote a page that does just that. I have coined the terms 'force-serve'. Check it out at www.eatscience.org. And submit an article while you're at it, ok?
I'm currently patenting a method of shopping whereby all purchases made on the site are emailed to a migrant worker named Juan, who fills out the order forms by hand (using a soon-to-be-patented writing instrument of my own design,actually) and then carries said order forms using my pateneted version of lamentably public-domain "Bipedal Locomotion" to the warehouse. This summary was written on Emess Würd (tm)
My patent will be filed immediately! I will be applying for a patent on the process by which all living (non-plant) organisms convert oxygen to carbon dioxide. From this day foward no living beings shall be able to exhale, with out a single-user license. (Note: Corporations and other business enities will be able to purchase site licenses for their employees.) Update: Microsoft has filed in court claiming that they are the orginal developers for this process, and all life on this planet.
Abstract
A method and system for automagically forwarding a user from one website to another via a web browser. The user enters a website either from a fully qualified URL or from a link on another webpage. Described in the header of the web page is a definable time before the forwarding action takes place. The user is then whisked away to a new URL without any control over where he's going or what content may pop up at the new site. The new site may contain dozens of advertising pop-ups or annoying banners that the user must close to continue his regular browsing. Content authors may simply forward the user to a random website that bears no resemblance or signifigance to the original site whatsoever. Different web browsers may implement this functionality as they see fit, inserting extra pop-up ads for various Microsoft products if the timeout value is set too low.
See also patent #23537432 - "Browser Incompatibility Script Patent" and #577538743 - "Pop-ups from Hell Patent" for additional details.
I hereby patent the process of combining any element in the periodic table with oxygen to form an oxide of said element. Such reactions can be very powerful.(ie, reduce iron and steel to a crumbly, flaky orange mass, provide the energy needed for life,etc) This patent requires all users of oxidation to pay me royalties in the amount of $1 US per reaction. Any violations will result in a cease and desist order being filed with the proper authorities.
This process is a unique methodology for deriving the sub-total of any two (and in some instances, more) whole integers inclusively between "0" and "20."
This (patent pending) methodology assumes the use of the digits of one or both hands, and in rare instances, the additional use of one or both feet.
The system allows the combining of numerals via the following methodology:
Convert each numeral to be totaled into an equivalent number of digits - i.e., fingers, and where necessary, toes. "Count" the combined number of digits of the numerals to be totaled in their finger/toe equivalents. The total is IDENTICAL to what would be an otherwise mathematically derived sum.
The alternative, i.e. non-patented methodology, involves mentally adding the two numerals together without the benefit of error verification or correction on a consistent basis.
Other alternatives include a rote memorization of every possible combination of whole integers - and there must be dozens!!! These non-patented systems are inefficient and subject to inconsistencies and mathematical errors.
"Eyes . . . I just do eyes."
Patent Expert System (PES):
a system that browse the Patent directory and, using the collected information, generate new original patents.
The PES will also help lawyers to build documents and argumentation to win any court attacks toward the generated patents. Of course the system is recursive for evident use.
Consequently the first patent generated would be the "Patent Number Overflow".
Following the news of this lawsuit between Cobalt and Apple over the use of cube-shaped casings, I intend to patent the cuboid, sphere, pyramid, cylinder and other three-dimensional geometric primitives. This would enable me to sue makers of pipes, drinks cans, Toblerone etc.., but also the biggies: I could take on anyone who builds skyscrapers, Egypt for massive infringement in their historical artifacts and, of course, humanity for wilfully inhabiting a planet whose shape violates my patent on spheres.
This establishes today, 10/10/2000, the idea for making secure Internet transactions (buying, selling, trading) via secure means using the newly passed U.S.laws making digital signatures legal. The transaction would involve the first consumer (buyer or seller) entity to interact with the second consumer(buyer or seller) entity, and then using the consumer's (or the seller)digital signature which is to be linked to a database with his/her credit card, debit account, checking account, or any other kind of account in which the user has funds or other comodities to trade with, and use an electronic tablet and stylus or any other stored representation of the consumer's signature to transfer the consumer's handwriting to electronic prints, and be processed over a network for verfication and to transfer funds or authority, to complete the transaction.
========================== pipe(13) -- can you figure it out?
I hereby declare of my own invention the Information Network Transfer Echo Reply National Empire Technology. Using this technology, I'd allow computers everywhere to link their existing networks together in order to talk to each other. I would like to do this using a protocol known as The Centralized Packet Infrastructure Protocol. The TCPIP(tm) technology will be used to connect networks under the INTERNET(tm) system.
Imagine the royalties!
Any creature, male or female who operates or is directly influenced in decision and/or action by an electronic terminal device is deemed hereby as a 'Computer User'. Computer Users are a unique and special feature of the economy and society whose concept was invented to streamline commerce and advance thinking [so as to invent better money making ideas]. This concept has proven to be a great success over the past 40 years and we have quiety, in good faith, let this concept mature into a healthy reality. Now that it can sustain itself, we have elected to retroactively enforce this patent. Nobody is excluded. Examples of eligible 'Computer Users': - Grandpa checking his email to find the best sources of crack - Mom looking up recipes for raisin pudding - Dog stepping on nintendo controller and barking when he accidently kicks Yoshi's ass at Mario Kart - Little Johnny browsing pornography All said individuals must in good faith deliver 50% of their annual income. Non-IT, unemployed, or non-human individuals qualify for a 5% discount. :)
I think it's mainly disgusting, though also quite a bit stupid.
You've all gotten the SPAM about how you send $5 to the first 3 names on the list and then add your name to the bottom, and in a few weeks, you'll get $50,000.
I say Patent this "invention", and then, you really CAN collect $50,000 or more from all those stupid-ass spammers!
Kill two birds with one stone I say: Let's show how inspid the patent office is while at the same time, bankrupting every spammer we can find.
If telephones are outlawed, then only outlaws will have telephones.
My patent idea... Take a gameboy or neogeo or the like and create a cartridge with wireless capability, a speech processor, a microdrive such as one of IBM's microdrives, a set of headphones and a pair of glasses with the capability of displaying output in 0 or more lenses. This would be the ultimate carry-computer. You could play your games stand alone, with others, do work wherever you are, conduct business wherever you are, etc. Given that gameboy already comes with a basic camera attachment, it could also be a video phone. Your imagination is the limit.
The statement below is FALSE
The statement above is TRUE
Patent Title:
A method for losing a lot of money.
Broadest Patent Claim:
A method for facilitating a dot-com economy, comprising the steps of:
promoting a dot-com idea wherein millions of users may be connected and engage in business to consumer (B2C) transactions;
receiving millions and millions of dollars from a plurality of typically unsuspecting investors;
spending said millions and millions of dollars in an indiscriminate manner, wherein the majority of dollars are effectively donated gratis to a plurality of advertising agencies and television/radio stations;
further receiving additional millions and millions of dollars from an additional plurality of typically unsuspecting investors;
revising said original Business to Consumer (B2C) model into a Business to Business (B2B) model after said additional millions and millions of dollar have been spent; and
issuing publically available shares for said new B2B company, wherein a plurality of unsuspecting investors lose even more millions and millions of dollars after said B2B's company's shares plummet.
A method for enabling an e-commerce site to earn one "valuable" dot-com consumer:
spend a net $50 on advertising costs to get the one said "valuable" consumer to visit your site;
provide the consumer a coupon for $20 off a purchase of at least $10;
fulfill consumer's order for $10 worth of product;
provide $10 rebate to consumer; and
congratulate oneself that cost for procuring consumer only exceeded price of goods bought by sevenfold.
I hereby enter my patent with the International /. Community for VirtualGraves.
Currently, we are already experiencing difficulties with burials of people. With the advent of new new millenium and the continual increase in global populations this problem is only assured to get worse and worse.
VirtualGraves is the solution to this growing dilemma. We utilize the latest in modern technologies. By digitizing your loved one, they can be compressed using advanced algorythms. Thus allowing us to save even more space. Best of all you no longer need to take long road trips to the cemetary to visit your loved one's grave. Now all you have to do is log on and go to www.virtualgraves.com
(Especially nice for those who live out of state.)
On this day, October 10th, 2000 we establish our patent and claim to "Virtual Graves" including any variants on the terminology "Virtualgraves", "VG", etc.
My patent:
An encryption algorithm whereby the numeric characters 0-9 are substituted for alphabetic characters with a similar appearance.
As an example of my algorithm, I present the unencrypted and encrypted form of a short message.
Unencrypted:
slashdot users are geeks
Encrypted:
5745hd0t u53r5 4r3 g33k5
"Anybody remotely interesting is mad, in some way or another" - Doctor Who
I have a patent idea to control a phone system. Basically by running your hand over the buttons of the phone system, without touch, you would be able to get to a phone line because it would sence the heat from your hand.
Sailing over the seas, I am, KING OF THE FJORDS!
Abstract :
: :
:
"A Method whereby single or multiple WWW URL's are placed on the homepage of slashdot.org, resulting in a high amount of traffic to the above mentioned URL's. This resultant traffic, hereby known as the 'Slashdot Effect', causes the overloading of the URL's host machines. Said traffic will result in the takeover of the Internet."
Inventor(s) : Jason Frisvold (Lehighton, PA)
Appl : OU812
Filed : October 10, 2000
Claims
We Claim
1) A method by which large amounts of traffic can cause interrupted service on a host machine.
2) A method by which a large number of users will be sent to any given URL.
3) A method of claim 2 wherein said users will increase knowledge and sales for aforementioned URL.
4) A method of claim 3 wherein said sales will increase cash flow to aforementioned URL host.
5) A method of claim 4 wherein said cash flow will support further patenting.
6) A method of claim 5 wherein said patenting will enable the Inventors (See above) to assert control of the Internet.
Description
BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF THE INVENTION
This invention relates mainly to the internet and how traffic flows over the internet.
BACKGROUND OF THE INVENTION
The internet is a collection of computers around the world connected via high speed telco lines, fiber optics, and modems. This network is said to be a true anarchists' dream. As such, it is a dangerous place.
This invention will help stem that danger by replacing the open-sourcedness of the internet with a dictatorship.
XenoPhage
Technological Musings
Watch out! Even thought it's just once sentence, you'll probably fall asleep reading it:
Here's the patent's summary:
Slashdot Affect: See
A "store" is an in institution for the procurement of goods or services. This novel development will allow individuals with "money" to exchange it for either tangible pieces of property or useful functions performed by others on the behalf and request of the "buyer". Anyone who wishes to exchange goods, services, or money will need to apply for permission subject to negotiated royaties on the goods or services recieved.
I'd like to patent mouseovers as an interactive web manipulation technology.
An apparatus to shine even the dullest duck bill. Using a soft pad with an adhesive film sprinkled with micro abrasive particles, or similar buffing technology, one can construct a hand held device for polishing duck bills.
This can be utilitied by park employees at ponds frequented by gaggles [technically the word is paddlings] of ducks. The market is huge as this can be used in almost every community and office park with a pond or fountain. Your community no longer needs to be embarrased by ducks with dull bills!
Abstract:
Method and system for detection of Biologically Limited Orbital
Noggin with Degraded Effectuality (BLONDE) whereby said method
and system detects the presence of said BLONDE and provides user
options for avoiding or attracting same depending upon intended
use.
Claims:
1 - A method where optical input to the user provides:
(A) interpretation of hue of orbital ornamentation,
(B) recognition of mammillary dimension,
(C) and conformity of torso to predetermined correctness.
2 - A method of attracting said item described in claim 1 by
using a variety of predetermined auditory signals where said
signals have the effect of interesting item described in claim 1
for purposes of procreative activities. Normally of an
interrogatory nature these auditory signals may include:
(A) an interogatory to determine the specific zodiacal
band of item described in claim 1, or
(B) an interogatory to determine whether said item described
in claim 1 has previously appeared in said current
location and been perceived at said current location
by claimant
3 - A method of eschewing said item described in claim 1 using
standard mobility techniques when intention is intellectual in
nature.
A method which, through use of specially constructed hyperlinks and client side scripting, allow the application for patent to be automatically generated and submitted to the US patent office. The ensuing patent information would be created of semi-random unreasonable and hysterically obvious statements refering to a rediculously common concept including the usage of verbs, nouns, adjectives and various public domain components of the english language. This new patent application would reduce the need for new ideas and recycle old non-original ideas thus not consuming brainpower. Although the concept of stupid patent applications has seen prior usage, this method for one click application for random non-original ideas is state of the art and it's innovation will serve to better humanity.
Today, the world was introduced to the Physically Integrated Digital Periperal System and Binary Support Solution (PIDPSBSS). Whenever you have a problem, just put this dandy "resource" to work. It can fix all your problems, even not related to its own field. Don't believe me...here is how our system works. Debbie: Darn...the computer doesn't work again. Oh well, so what if it is 3:30 in the morning. Let's give our physically integrated digital peripheral system a call...it's not like there is anything else it could be doing! And it's just like that! No sooner than when you put down that phone, your computer should be fixed! Anything less is unacceptable. This is support darn it! No, rather, why should you even have to tell the PIDPSBSS that there is a problem. Just yell at it, when it comes to fix it! Forget where you saved a document? Blame the PIDPSBSS. Forget your password? Blame the PIDPSBSS. Computer won't boot to windows, because you turned it off wrong too many times? Blame the PIDPSBSS. The PIDPSBSS doesn't need to sleep or eat. It also enjoys verbal harassment from all levels of the staff. Janitor X: "Hey PIDPSBSS...I still get more chicks than you!" Company President Y: "Oh, PIDPSBSS. After you are done deleting porno cookies from my cache, would you shine my shoes up a bit?" No, the PIDPSBSS has no pride. Rumor is that it has no genitals...or at least no sex life. That's not all! The PIDPSBSS brings comedy to the job. One can occasionally see managemnet laughing at the PIDPSBSS groveling for extra tools to do the job. (Of course, it doesn't need anything more...like anyone has a budget for that!) PIDPSBSS doesn't argue nor complain. PIDPSBSS likes spending hours digging your computer out from under tons of mementos and ugly portaits of your family. It reminds the PIDPSBSS what it could be missing in domestic-land, while fixing your home PC on its lunch break. If you need telecom work, you know who to call. A copier broke? So what if the PIDPSBSS has no training regarding copiers...it has wires and stuff, so it can't be that far from a computer. So make sure you (ab)use your PIDPSBSS today. Also being sold as System Admin Bob.
The following Idea is Patent Pending , Trademarked, Copy Righted, and its uses is completely prohibited under Common Sense. The main principle behind this idea is to remove all interaction by the user in the purchasing of products at an E-Commerce site. All users chosen for the system would have be run though a formula to make sure they can't afford a lawyer. Then by using a database of the users personal information collected from as many sources as possible, the No User E-Commerce system will choose the highest priced items in the sites catalog that the user might purchase if given the chance. These items would then be charged to the users credit card and then shipped to the users home address by the most costly means. If the user chooses to return the item they would be direct to an endless procedure to receive permission to return said items. By the time they have completed these steps their 30-day return period would be over. If the user does manage to get the item returned in time a hefty restocking fee will be charged. No need for any clicks, or mouse movements, no need to even visit the website the products just show up on your doorstep. The legality of this will be taken care of by a simple Microsoft style software licensing agreement that takes effect the moment the package is opened.
A multifaceted stochastic electrochemical process sustained by the availability and periodic application of specific hydrocarbon-based environmental constructs (["food"], e.g. pizza) in which said constructs are systematically reconfigured to produce phosphates capable of triggering a motive response (["moving"], e.g. "walking"). Additionally, a simultaneous adjunctive process utilizes gaseous atmospheric particles to maintain proper chemical balance (["breathing"]) for the primary reaction. Reaction may be catalyzed by the presence of certain primary reaction substrates (e.g. cola, coffee). May occasionally be accompanied by a seemingly higher-order synthetic emergent process with the semblance of conformity to a consistent set analytical guidelines (["thinking"], maclion patent #23670481b).
Patent Application for Striped Product Camouflage
Filed by QDog inc.
on 10-10-00
Description:
QDog inc.'s new technology is designed with the intent to make products with Striped Camouflage blend in with other products on the shelf with similar camouflage.
In the same way a zebra is hard to distinguish in the right environment by predators, any product using our vertical black and white stripes may become indistinguishable from other products similarly camouflaged. This will lead to longer shelf lives of in-danger products.
The most common use will be on the bottom or edge of product packaging, so as to provide the most confusing display to comsumers as possible.
Further, a number identifying the product for seasoned consumers may also be used. This will enable skilled consumers to pick out what they want with miminal danger to other products on the shelf.
I decided to do the author one better and invent -1 Click shopping, which is a new paradigm for businesses all over the world (and of course cannot be used without royalties....lots and lots of royalties) - basically what it is is a method that eliminates the pesky problem of companies having to lure buyers into their sites and choosing a product by just sending items to them outright and charging their credit cards for them...come to think of it, it's a bit like porno sites...not that I'd know or anything.
that's right - you owe me money...think you're all cool with that damn wheel of yours...well, it ain't free anymore, hooligan! you want your customers to be able to see the rest of your website? pay up, scrummy!
Here's a new business method patent that Greg Aharonian might like: 1. A computer-implemented method of invalidating a patent, comprising the steps of: (a) identifying a given patent claim sought to be invalidated; (b) generating a reexamination request based on a given piece of non-patent prior art that was not considered by the Patent Office during the prosecution of the patent claim; and (c) electronically submitting the reexamination request to the Patent Office to initiate a reexamination of the patent; wherein the given patent claim is Claim 1 of this patent.
Biometrics Digital Certificate, A Method For Verification and Encryption
A method of using fusion biometrics characteristics to produce a digital certificate for identity and informational verification without the need for a third party "Certificate Authority". This patent built on the now expired RSA public key cryptography technique:
The individual identity is bound by the following: B_t, n and b where B_t is the individual biometrics template, n and b are RSA public key component.
Generation of B_t :
(1.0) B'_t = face + voice + age + gender (or other biometrics)
(1.1) B_t = B'_t | MD5 (or other hash function)
B_t has an inherit association with n and b, and is used to verify the digital identity of the person as well as the validity of n and b. Which is than use to encrypt the file to the appropriate use that the identity has been verify using the biometrics template. Since the individual user can generate her own biometrics digital certificate and bind their real identity to that certificate, there is no longer a need to a trusted CA.
What is claimed is:
1. A communications system comprised of at least one input device with numbered and lettered buttons, a centeral processing unit that is the entended recipient of signals from the input device.
Summary of the invention:
The present invention relates to non-fault-tolerant computerized systems wich have keyed input devices. The invention is a backup method of inputing data to a computerized system in the event of specific device failures where specific characters or character combinations are made unavailable for input by replacing specific characters or character combinations generated by the input device with other characters or character combinations.
Example:
In the event the 'c, 'e', 'l', 'a', 't', and 'o' keys on a keyboard type input device fail, the invention would transform the sequence: "I am an elite hacker" into the sequence: "I 4m 4 1337 h4x0r"
I propose to patent the "any" key used by many pieces of software since the dawn of computing. The "any" key is usually pressed by a user as a means of continuing the display of some information on the screen, the user can choose virtually all of the keys available to him/her on a standard keyboard, thus, my patent will include every valid key that could be pressed by a user when presented with an "any" key prompt in any program that has ever used one. Finally since my patent includes every key that could be used to convey textual information, the patent includes all software, all data, and all intellectual properties developed by pressing those keys on any computer since the dawn of computers.
Plastic foreign substance repellant for electronic devices A method of using transparent, thin, highly-malleable plastic, such as Saran Wrap(R), to obstruct the penetration of foreign substances, such as a hot liquid drink flavored with coffee bean extract, into sensitive objects, such as a standard computer keyboard, by wrapping the plastic around the sensitive object until no part of the object is exposed. This patent proposal does not apply to sensitive objects which require ventilation, such as an electric fan. Whaddya think? Patentable?
What could be easier than Mouse-over shopping?
"Prayer" A form of speech, or thought, usually involving the use of spiritual, religious, or theological terminology, With the intented purpose of: Comunnicating (conversing with; praising/worshiping; calling out; repenting; or asking of) to/with a "higher power"; (defined as a person; being; or entity viewed by the praying idividual as more important than his or her own self) Achieving a greater level of "spirituality"; (defined as "being in touch with one's self"; achiving "zen"; knowing one's "inner child"; or gaining the ability to be peaceful when all else seems to be chaotic) Or "wishing really hard" (the belief and/or action of trying to control natural and/or unnatual forces with one's mind and/or spirit)
"Prayer"
A form of speech, or thought, usually involving the use of spiritual, religious, or theological terminology,
With the intented purpose of:
Comunnicating
(conversing with; praising/worshiping; calling out; repenting; or asking [of])
to/with a "higher power";
(defined as a person; being; or entity viewed by the praying idividual as more important than his or her own self)
Achieving a greater level of "spirituality";
(defined as "being in touch with one's self"; achiving "zen"; knowing one's "inner child"; or gaining the ability
to be peaceful when all else seems to be chaotic)
Or "wishing really hard"
(the belief and/or action of trying to control natural and/or unnatual forces with one's mind and/or spirit)
The process of clicking that eliminates the annoying and expensive distraction of making a purchase. This patent steamlines the online shopping experience by reducing the very costly shopping expenses by up to 99.99%! I will collect a very modest royalty of only 0.01% of the value of every item offered for sale online but not actually bought by anyone. This revolutionary process integrates seamlessly with any browser, so everyone can benefit from my new Zero Click Shopping (tm) (pat pending)!
I hereby claim patent rights and protection for the Dynamic Intellectual Property Plugin for Sendmail Hypertext Information Transmission. DIPPSHIT(r) is a 32-bit cross-platform plugin for user email clients which automatically generates US and international electronic copyright applications for each and every piece of email sent by the user. You no longer need fear that your boss, co-workers, or pimple-faced script kiddies with email snipher warez can steal your brilliant thoughts and clever humor from your personal email. DIPPSHIT(r) also has the colateral benefit of ensuring gainful employment for copyright registrars and attorneys world-wide well into the next millenium.
dev/null
my patents include the following items: 1. the letter "a" with its associated capital form "A" 2. the words "if", "the", "who", "what", "where", "why", "when", and "how" 3. the art of a politician lying, and being able to believe his lie so much that he doesnt realize that he is lying. 4. the element H20, otherwise known as "water" 5. the mysterious place that one sock always seems to go, where we can never find it. if you have violated any of these patents, you will be recieving a message from my laywer. thank you.
This is the best entry I have ever READ!! I can't wait to take it home and make a Beowulf cluster out of it!
A unique process in which user receives sex from target member of the opposite sex after the target has consumed only one alcoholic beverage. Typically it takes several alcoholics beverages to get the target person in a mood for having sex. The method uses strong suggestive language to woo the target into a state in which the person requires sex. Yeah, um, I'm bored....
Since the comming of the email there has been an excuse for not doing something or falling to replay: I didnt get your email!! If i patent this each person who answer to something like 'where is the report i asked for?' with I didnt get your email would have to pay me for the use. I would like to see Amazon beat this one.
Virtual Mousepad Extension
A method for extending a mousepad by creating a virtual extension. Solves the problem often encountered when a computer mouse has been moved all the way to the top (left/right/bottom) of the mousepad, yet the cursor is still in the center of the computer screen. Method involves manually levitating the mouse and moving the mousepad such that the mouse is now on the opposite side of the mousepad, thereby reproducing the effect of a mousepad extension, yet without the neccessity of an actual mousepad extension. Note: the method is entirely reversible, and thus the original mousepad may be recovered by reversing steps. Medhod is infinitely extendable, thus creating a "virtually endless" mousepad.
A method for representing forbidden characters in Internet domain names by encoding them as plain english, ie: /. -> slashdot
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn
Speeding is in the society something that is desired. Yet since it is (more or less) unlegal, it has something, that gives it the taste of being different and FREE. (Being Free is the theme of these days.)
On the other hand everything has to go faster today. The world turns faster than years before.
As a result of the above Speeding is positive.
In the patent described here, speeding points the way to increase the speed of surfing, by using stored data. These data are stored on the computer of the person, surfing through the web. When reaching a point were personal data is required, it can use the file stored on his/her harddisk.
The change to common technology is, that the data can be edited by the user being offline. As a result the user is aware of the data and is accepting this technology. A safe transfer through the net is of course garanteed.
(Sending Cookies in a more readable and changable way)
SPEEDING is great !!! (OR NOT ??)
I read the message about the Asimov story of the hammer...
A man in the mid part of the 20th C successfully filed a patent for the wheelbarrow under the same concept. Fortunately some patents expire over time...
I don't know about what to patent, but I sure would love to trademark a "total meal solution" called: "Whatever you want to do." Think of all the money you could make if every time a man or woman asked "Honey, what do you want to do for dinner?" Those responding with the afore-mentioned would be compelled to purchase my "total meal solution" (available at fine-grocers everywhere) or cough up thousands of bucks in royalties for usage. Think about that the next time you say "velcro", "styrofoam", or "xerox".
You stole this from the comic strip 'Sally Forth'.. they were talking about this exact same thing two-three weeks ago.... bad doggie! no treat for you...
All from a drag (not even a click, Amazon!) of the mouse!
dada
My prototypes in this area never quite worked. The shopping cart icon would always veer off uncontrollably to the left and crash into things instead of travelling in a straight line to the checkout queue icon.
you guys are SERIOUSLY talking about eating fried spagetti, right? Like, deep fried sauce and all, right? Can i have some of what you've been smoking?
read it and weep, that'll be 10c/license per homo sapien plu-ease. MPD sufferers exempt cause I'm a nice guy.
Holy shit, I knew the Starr report would come in handy someday!
I have for quite some time held the patent and all exclusive rights to design, produce and market a handheld nutritional consumption aid, and out of the spirit of generousity and the goodness of my heart, I've elected not to enforce my patent. However, due to recent changes in the economy, I must being inforcing my right to collect a financial reward for my years of toiling research. Handheld nutritional consumption aids, commonly known as "siverware," are now commonplace in America, and indeed in most of the civilized world. Billions of people benefit from my intellectual property each and every day, yet I'm faced with ever-increasing debt, student loans, and a strong desire to consume six bottles of Killian's Irish Red while completing my evil bastard project from hell for my operating systems class. I regret that I must ask for some compensation for my years of hard work, however, I only ask that users of my hand held nutritional consumption aids pay a nominal fee of $.05 American dollars for each day that they use them. This amounts to only $18.25 per individual per calander year, and will allow me to attain a healthy income of roughly $7,000,000,000 per year. This will be used to research new and more effective handheld nutritional consumption aids, and buy me lots of good beer.
Thank you.
--
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Just lurking, thanks!
Claims: a method for increasing the number of points (karma) awarded to one's on-line persona for submitting material to an on-line, HTML-based message board which is moderated by its general readership, consisting of the following steps:
(1) Creation of a second on-line persona, distinct from the one to which the "karma" is to be awarded.
(2) Posting to the message board using the first on-line persona.
(3) Logging in to the message board using the second on-line persona.
(4) Using the message board's moderation system to rate the post by submitted as the first persona as "informative", "insightful", or "funny".
That system really sounds like a clothes store for crossdressers, or alternatively a pet store where you can buy _really_ big reptiles.
I worked for a client that had designed tools to do EXACTLY that. And they probably already have it patented. So, I don't think your entry can count :-) Big Business has beat you to the punch.
"Doubt your doubts and believe your beliefs." -- Switchfoot, Ode to Chin
Whenever you see a brain dead piece of software design - take a trawl through the Interface Hall of Shame for inspiration - then patent the lousy practice.
Since no one will want to pay our steep royalties to use the lousy ideas then eventually only the intelligent and intuitive software design will remain.
A great idea, huh? Better patent it. .-)
Regards, Ralph.
Regards, Ralph.
You can patent it unless the publication of the idea occured over one year before the filing of the patent. (This alone should have invalidated the RSA patent.)
"Trademarks are the heraldry of the new feudalism."
Damn, it really is hard to come up with a new idea. However, my idea is different, since it uses web technology, and not Windows technology. I guess I have to rename the patent "Web-based Drag-n-Drop Shopping".
Software sucks. Open Source sucks less.
A method using advanced AI and human/computer interface interpretation that will allow users to purchase items they don't even know they want. By extrapolating browsing habits and mouse movements, items are selected and sent to the user, charged to their account, and added to their online profile without any action required by the user.
A legal process, overseen by a single regulatory body, by which inventors, creative individuals and idea-pirating Internet companies can register inventions, methods and other debateably-unique concepts for the purpose of maintaining a monopoly on that particular idea.
-Waldo
(A tip o' the weinerdog to Spax.)
Due to the fragile nature of biological informational nodes, a process is necessary to ensure that data contained within nodes is not permanently lost.
To ensure continuity of data, more nodes are required before the denaturing of the original data carriers, and the data replicated onwards to the new nodes, such that distributed data storage forms a reliable method of ensuring that stored data is not lost, and, if necessary, more new nodes may be spawned to ensure the capacity of the database may expand to support all required data
This patent covers the use of low frequency vibrational movement to induce an exothermic reaction between two biological informational nodes in such a way that information exchange occurs necessary to initiate the creation of one or more new biological nodes with basic operating systems necessary to receive further data from existing data nodes suficient to maintain integrity of the overall system.
word - Eternal Patent 666,666,666 by God Inc. issued by the Heaven's Patent Office.
Due to the constant violation of this patent by milliards of people, we have what we have...
Why not?
Then you can tell all these jack-offs to cough up!
MSBPodcast.com The opinions expressed here are my own. If you don't like 'em... Think up your own stuff.
Why not?
Then you can tell all these jack-offs to couch up!
MSBPodcast.com The opinions expressed here are my own. If you don't like 'em... Think up your own stuff.
I'd pay $50 out of my own pocket, any possibly
up to $200 from the company I own towards the
winner.
Go out and get a buncha people who will commit
to this. I'll even send the money in advance if you want proof.
CMON have some COJONES! It will make CNN and
bring this farce to the public's attention.
System to keep physical objects where they are
placed without relying on mere inertia.
This is done by conducting all business or related operations near a large mass that is specially tuned to create a Grav-I-Tee[tm] field. [The
tuning process to cause the Grav-I-Tee[tm] field is described in a related but seperate patent.]
Inside this field, masses tend to be attracted towards the centre of the large main mass.
When used with other patents (such as Tables[tm], Chairs[tm], Buildings[tm], Floors[tm]), masses, thru static friction caused by the force of their attraction to the main mass against these surfaces, will stay in place far more effectively than relying on mere moments of inertia.
I would like to patent the concept of using protiens to transport a gas through a liquid.
God does not play dice - Einstein
Not only does God play dice, he sometimes throws them where they
Your subsequent patent description violates a pre-existing patent that I have pending. Untill you agree to pay my license fee, you are hereby ordered to C&D making any and all references to my intellectual property.
LK
"Hi. This is my friend, Jack Shit, and you don't know him." - Lord Kano
A means by representing information and commands using the symbols '1' and '0' represented as a measure of electrical voltage.
A method for vaporizing Cocaine Hydroxide, utilizing a blown-glass utensil ("pipe").
A mixture of Cocaine Hydroxide and an extending agent ("base") is placed in the indentation of the device ("bowl") and intense heat is applied to the cocaine mixture ("rock"), thereby vaporizing the the narcotic component, and freeing it from the base. The vapors are then inhaled ("hit") and intoxication ("high") is obtained.
A marketing strategy for use with the device will also be patented, as follows:
The salesman ("dealer") will provide the pipe and a sample of substance ("crack") to the consumer ("crackhead") who will thereby become addicted to the substance and will require more devices ("crack pipes"). Fierce protection of IP rights will be necessary, including the bribing of law enforcement, and turf control.
These devices ("crack pipes") may be particularly useful to weblog ("Slashdot") moderators.
--K
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This is *serious*!
The European Parliament are soon (in November) going to decide whether Europe should change the current patent laws and thereby making software patents a reality in Europe too.
There is a Petition for a Software Patent Free Europe here - please sign it, if you haven't already.
The consultant receives questions from his customer, and then posts the questions to the Internet Oracle, Ask Slashdot, and Usenet newsgroups. Then he retrieves the answers and forwards them to his customer. This reduces expense since the consultants do not need expensive education or expertise with the topic(s).
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As copyright owner of this comment, I authorize everyone to defeat any technological measure which limits access to it.
One Patent:
Completely different innovative patent:
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As copyright owner of this comment, I authorize everyone to defeat any technological measure which limits access to it.
Sometimes when people take paper out of a laser printer, they pick it up in such a way that the print is upside down, and therefore they must take the additional step of turning the paper right-side-up before they can read it.
My innovative apparatus is an electronic digital computer with a central processing unit, some RAM, a ROM containing some software, and two printer ports. One of the apparatus' printer ports is plugged into the output printer port of an electronic digital computer that is used to generate documents. When the document computer outputs a document through it's port, this apparatus renders the document onto a bitmap stored in it's RAM. Then it reads the bitmap starting at the bottom, working its way up, and sends this through its second printer port, to a laser printer. This results in the document being printed upside-down, so that when the user picks up the paper upside-down, the documents appears right-side-up, eliminating the laborous extra step of having to turn the paper over before being able to read it.
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As copyright owner of this comment, I authorize everyone to defeat any technological measure which limits access to it.
This innovative process allows legacy computers which lack network adapters, to become linked to one another and even access the World Wide Web for shopping purposes. IP datagrams are encoded into a 36-value character set (0-9, A-Z) and then fragmented into 72-byte subpackets. The subpackets are sent to a card puncher that writes the subpackets to a card.
The cards are then transfered, by whatever means are convenient, to a second electronic digital computer that contains a card reader. The cards are read to form subpackets, which are then reassembled to form IP datagrams, which can then be routed to their destination.
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As copyright owner of this comment, I authorize everyone to defeat any technological measure which limits access to it.
Patent, using obfuscated language such as to discourage people from discovering Prior Art, the Blink Tag. Charge people to use it, and maybe they'll stop. :)
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Given enough personal experience, all stereotypes are shallow.
The user is presented via the network with a menu of available options, represented via graphical icons or images. Each image is unique and presents a distinct user-selected option for preceding to further areas or operations of a web site.
The user manipulates a pointing device of the client computer to move the mouse pointer to their choice of menu option. Upon the mouse pointer entering the pixelspace of a particular graphical image, the image changes to an altered image yet similar image, indicating the image option under the cursor is the option presently under user consideration and also indicating that the image is a viable user choice, distinguishing it from other non-interactive images which do not comprise of valid menu options. If the user has decided that the specific menu option represented by the below-mouse image is their desired choice, he or she depresses and releases the primary mouse button quickly and the choice is registered, via the network, with the server.
This patent describes a method of alternate word spellings to increase the leetness of what is being said and, by associating, the person who has typed it.
Single character substitutions may be made at any point as follows
substrings:
a => 4
i => !,|
e => 3,=
l => 1
o => 0
s => $
t => +,7
c => k
k => c
String subtitutions may be made at any time as follows:
ate => 8
you => u
f => ph
Punctuation within the body of a sentence can and should be ignored if possible. Punctuation at the end of the sentence should be repeated for extended effect. In addition, the unshifted key used for typing a punctuation mark can be used in that mark's place.
Miscellanous
The word "I" may be replaced with "eye".
Silent letters may be dropped or replaced with other silent letters.
Common acronym interjections, such as LOL, ROFL, WTF, OMG, etc. are the prefered way of expressing emotions such as suprising, elation, amusement, etc.
The prefix k- can be added to any adjective or adverb.
Capitalization is entirely up to the typist.
Thus can a normally bland sentence, such as "Now I know how to type well!" can be transformed into the more effectively leet phrase "0MG n0w eye gN0 h0w +o +yp3 k-W=11!!!!1!!". Well-executed translations like this will mark the typist as a truly ph33rs0me individually far to leet to ignore.
I definitly think we should definitly try and register the wining patent to see how ridiculous things are getting.
"When I was a little kid my mother told me not to stare into the sun...
"If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear"
"A method and system for making a purchase via the Internet. A computer system (client) or similar technology receives a series of Web pages detailing information about products and services produced on the fly by another computer system (server) or similar technology, such that these products or services may be purchased or more information about these products or services may be displayed. The server system receives purchaser information including identification of the purchaser, payment information, and shipment information from the client system. The server system sends to the client system an HTML document identifying the item and including an order button. The client system receives and displays the HTML document. In response to the selection of the order button, the client system sends to the server system a request to purchase the identified item. The server system receives the request from the client system and generates an order to purchase the item in accordance with the billing and shipment information whereby the purchaser effects the ordering of the product by selection of the order button. "
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- Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set him on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
I think Dogbert came up with Zero Click Shopping first. Something along the lines of "If you don't click your mouse button, I'll charge you".
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"Oppression and harassment is a small price to pay to live in the land of the free." -- Montgomery Burns.
Define a "click", though? I believe this to already be patented by Amazon's 1-click shopping patent. If only 1 click is involved, you may run into trouble. I thought about doing what I would consider "half-click shopping", where the user is only required to press down on the mouse to purchase an item (and if they let up, then Amazon is THIER problem, not mine) but all definitions for "click" I could find did not specify pressing both down, and then up.
You could also do "21+N*1 click shopping". 21 clicks total are required to activate the 21+N*1-click shopping feature for that user, and after that, they can click once on the item they want and it will be sent to their door. N being the number of items they choose to purchase using this feature...
This patent covers the latest innovation in supplying the corporate consumer with an Corporate Executive Mission Critical iPotatoGun XGenerator Powered eCommerce Syxtem (tm) (c) (pat pending).
iSection 1) The power supply for the Corporate Executive Mission Critical iPotatoGun XGenerator Powered eCommerce Syxterm (tm) (c) (pat pending) for shall consist of a large tub of water above which rests a pTurbine attached to an electrical generator.
iSection 2) Trained iOperators (preferably ones with a MSCE) shall aim their iPotatoGuns at the tub of water and repeatedly fire. Repeated bombardment shall cause the temperature of the eTub to increase. As the eTub's temperature rises high enough, steam will start to form and rise upward. This steam shall cause the pTurbine to rotate in a Mission Critical manner, causing eLectricity to be generated which can be used to power the Corporate Executive Mission Critical iPotatoGun XGenerator Powered eCommerce Syxtem (tm) (c) (pat pending).
iSection 3) The Corporate Executive Mission Critical iPotatoGun XGenerator Powered eCommerse Syxtem (tm) (c) (pat pending)'s pTurbine (situated above the eTub as stated in iSection 1) will lead directly into an e-Computer's pPower Supply.
iSection 4) The Corporate Executive Mission Critical iPotatoGun XGenerator Powered eCommerce Syxtem (tm) (c) (pat pending) shall run any iDeployment of an eCommerce web server. (Note: this patent does not cover such concepts as "Electronic Commerce", "Online Purchasing", only "eCommerce".)
iSection 5) The Corporate Executive Mission Critical iPotatoGun XGenerator Powered eCommerce Syxtem (tm) (c) (pat pending) shall utilise a unique, branded, Synergistically iDeveloped 3 CLICK eCommerce and Purchasing mEthodology, whereby any user who has clicked his or her pointing device at least 3 times within 5 mintes prior to ePurchasing (commencing in eCommerce with the iCorporation utilising the Corporate Executive Mission Critical iPotatoGun XGenerator Powered eCommerce Syxterm (tm) (c) (pat pending)) any goods or services.
iSection 6) There is no iSection 6.
You're a suburbanite.
Applied for by Hemos, et al.
Wherein this patent is applied for, herein defining a method of determining the relative coolness of a person using a system hereafter referred to as karma.
The mechanism uses a community made up mostly of clueless Linux zealots and anti-everything "rebels" to assign points to comments made by users, thereby raising or lowering their karma.
Next week: Sig11 applies for a patent on karma whoring and an AC sues, claiming it a violation of the karma limit patent!
=RISCy Business
your company here.
your company here.
shelby != ford
Multiple-Click Stopping: Same as One-Click but with enhanced entertainment value by requiring multiple clicks to stop the transaction. The moving image may lost parts, change direction, or have other interactive reaction to the clicks.
Seven techniques are claimed for enhancing individual scores under any credibility metric of any electronic forum. Credibility metric is defined as any means of measuring and ranking the credibility of the participants of an electronic forum. Electronic forum is defined as any computer system that allows the posting, archival, and retrieval of messages of one or more users.
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NOTE: Prior Art created by myself three days before Roblimo's post.
A system where participants are asked to develop patentable systems for the purpose of creating prior art for parodying the existing patent system and/or invalidating subsequent patents where:
(1) Patentable systems are publicly posted and available to third parties without access restrictions.
(2) Enticement to post patentable systems may be encouraged by means of contest.
(3) Scoring of patentable systems may be made by a random moderation system of registered users of the system.
(4) Meta-moderation of such moderation may also be performed by a moderation system with random and voluntary participation by registered users.
(5) A pre-selected panel of implementors may choose between the most highly moderated systems in order to bestow a reward based on originality (or lack thereof), believability (or lack thereof), and humor value (or lack thereof).
(6) Systems related to "Zero Click Shopping" may be moderated down to a score of (-1, Redundant).
(7) Systems related to the exciting "First Post Technology" may be moderated randomly.
(8) Systems related to a system for creation of prior art may be moderated as (5, Insightful).
I'm sorry, Roblimo. But I patented your contest just days before it happened. I demand you remove this contest IMMEDIATELY or legal action may be taken against you, Slashdot, Andover, and/or the Open Source Development Network.
"A method of taking a widely used activity (including, but not limited to: walking, banking, or listening to answering machine messages), and adding the synergistic effect of an electronic and/or online component in order to create a novel idea which is patentable."
The real kicker for this patent is that if it was actually granted, it could put an end to more of those silly e-commerce patents being granted. Well, at least, without the owner of this patent being the part owner of subsequent e-commerce patents.
Stupid Patent Pool Submission: "Slashdot Effect"
"A method of harnessing the collective click streams by harvesting the eyeballs of a devoted interest group in order to provide a positive reward stream to media outlets which provide stories of value to said interest group. The reward stream is generated by the number of advertising impressions generated by the volumatic traffic, and the innevitable and accidental click-throughs to said advertisements."
Scary. It could actually make money. (1-900-FAX-PORN or 1-900-PORN-FAX I suppose.)
"A novel delivery method by which a user may subscribe to USENET Newsgroups, and said newsgroups are delivered to the user by FAX, either on a per-article basis, or by daily summary. Features include, but are not limited to, automatic extraction and conversion to FAX format of images that are normaly represented as encoded ASCII data."
That's right! Get a subscription to alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.spanking" sent right to your boss' FAX machine.
A real-world method by which the World Wide Web is fully accessable to users without the aid of computer access where (1) The user is sent a form in the mail requesting a starting URL via scan-tron type alpha-numeric bubbles and (2) the user sends the form back to the service via self-addressed stamped envelope and (3) the service processes the user data and sends the user back a form with the URL requested where (4) the form is annotated with numbers representing links that can be clicked and number representing form fields that can be filled out in a scan-tron type alpha-number method where (5) the user fills in the appropriate bubble to select the link or (6) completed the form data and selects the link appropriate to the submission button where (7) the user sends the completed form back to the service where the procedure is then repeated starting at step 3.
That's right. "The ultimate in offline Internet access."
This is a method where people can surf the web via snail-mail and scantron bubbles.
You're not thinking far enough into the future! Shopping will change drasticly as voice recognition dominates the market. Therefore, I suggest a patent that claims a patent over shopping sites that accept voice input. No matter how many times the user speaks, my patent will cover it. Shopping by voice is hereby patented by me.
I'm also going to patent one "glance" shopping, where you merely look at sections of the screen to buy things. People that want to implement shopping sites where it's user's vision is monitored in order to make purchases, you'll have to pay me 50% of your royalties!!!
The next site to slashdot will be ready soon, but subscribers can beat the rush and start slashdotting it early!
I have invented a new business plan that resembles the internet loss-leader model, but works in the brick-and-asphalt world.
The concept is simple; provide a service, namely instant unsolicited lavage of vehicular ports during brief periods of cessation. It is important to provide your own materials to do this -- thus the resemblance to the loss-leader model -- so that you can control the quality of the service. Depending upon customer temperment, you should either begin with a high quality service (and thus expect compensation), or a low quality service (afterwhich the customer will demand a high quality service, which you only provide after compensation).
The only start-up equipment needed is a bucket of water, a squeegee, and a street corner with a stoplight. Watch the income roll in!
Genocide Man -- Life is funny. Death is funnier. Mass murder can be hilarious.
A series of signals sent between parties, which allow the transfer of information. These can be transmitted via audible, visible or tactile methods. Means of communication via scent and taste are currently in development.
Think different? I'd be happy if most people would just think...
METHOD OF TRANSFERING ENERGY BETWEEN COHABITATING ORGANIC GROUPS
ABSTRACT
A method for transfering essential energy between groups of cohabitating organic material consists of an initial energy source whereby through radiation facilitates one group of organic material (primary group) infused with a forrest colored substance to sustain other cohabitating groups of organic materials (secondary group). The secondary group uses an oraface to intake the energy offered by the primay group.
Mother Nature will hear from my lawyers...
-- iCEBaLM
This process distributes moderator points to worthy members of an online community. When given access, the member will audit threads and posts in one or many conversations of a web-based bulletin board.
The audit process consists in attributing positive or negative traits to a post which add or increase the weight of these posts. Readers of the messages apply a special filter (covered in USPTO 313370031337) that filters out messages not reaching the desired threshold.
A secondary process allows the revision of past moderations so that incorrect moderation can be reviewed and undone.
Finally the 'worthiness' of members is evaluated by computing the totals of moderations, including reversed ones into a positive/negative scale. Those members that cross the first treshold are allowed onto the moderator pool. A second, higher threshold increases the initial weight of the member's post.
---
Vote Inanimate Carbon Rod in 2000
Biological optical character recognition.
How about something a little more obscure, like the chemical reactions involved in vision? Or maybe "A (any) process for the conversion of ADP to ATP."
The stupid patent generator will be targeted to large companies looking to patent anything they can before someone else does. The generator functions by using a large database of some existing patents and a whole lot of dumb ideas. The MySQL string (which I have also patented) used to perform this does so by fragmenting the existing patents and combining parts from the Dumb ideas table. End result is a new patent idea that is both stupid and possibly effective at creating lawsuits that will jam up the corts years.
Small Print
All patents generated by the "Stupid Patent Generator" will thereby become patented property of Stupid Patent Generator Inc. and it's respective owners
Trying to be different, just like everyone else.
Here wo go:
Method for creating a new universe from a singularity
Abstract:
A method for starting a new UNIVERSE from a singularity which will cause apparent irregular expansion and development into astronomic bodies and features such as PULSARS, QUASARS, GALAXIES, GALAXY CLUSTERS, NEBULA, NOVA, SUPERNOVA, STARS (SINGULAR and BINARY), STAR SYSTEMS, PLANETS, MOONS, COMETS, ASTEROIDS, BLACK HOLES radiating energy for an indefinite period of TIME then possibly expiring due to absolute conversion of MATTER to HEAT and/or constriction into a similar singularity.
Using a galactic singularity (a point of infintismally small size, w/o immediately measurable dimension or mass) to manufacture a UNIVERSE (application 1). The UNIVERSE is created by gathering all known matter into a singularity. Then, the singularity is explosively destroyed, spreading all gathered matter in all directions at a near infinite variety of velocities. Lighter matter is cast farther away from the singularity.
This UNIVERSE will also define physical limitations and expectations as it grows. Currently, said UNIVERSE may or may not reach an outer limit of expansion. Further, the UNIVERSE may, at some future point, return to a state of singularity.
As the universe expands, energy radiation (radio, infrared, light, ultraviolet and other 'cosmic' transmissions) will vary from point to point. As matter travels away from a stationary point (though all matter in this universe travels along a variety of axis) said radiations will appear to be lower in frequency. As matter approaches, it will appear to be higher in frequency. This is, within the realms of the present point of observation (the collective derivative work PLANET, separately documented) is the LOW/HIGH SHIFTY THINGY EFFECT (application 1, addendum BS).
As the UNIVERSE expands and (potentially) contracts, matter distribution is likely to be unevenly distributed as observed from any single stationary point. This however, is not likely to be a case, and an intentional design consideration (a.k.a BUG, sub derivative of derivative work PLANET). Energy from other portions of the UNIVERSE has been limited to appox. 299,792 KILOMETERS per SECOND (sub works of DISTANCE and TIME, both derivative of both PLANET and UNIVERSE) in the visible light spectrum. Other energy radiations have WAVELENGTH (1, addendum DA) variances, but are currently speed constant.
Said energy transmissions will carry meaningful data about other portions of the UNIVERSE, including, but not limited to PULSARS, QUASARS, GALAXIES, GALAXY CLUSTERS, NEBULA, NOVA, SUPERNOVA, STARS (SINGULAR and BINARY), STAR SYSTEMS, PLANETS, MOONS, COMETS, ASTEROIDS, BLACK HOLES (applications 4-16 respective) and other particulate matter LIGHT and DARK (applications 2 and 3). Finally, the UNIVERSE exists largely by converting matter into HEAT. It is a design consideration that said UNIVERSE may cease operation after all matter has been converted to HEAT.
A DINING FACILITY (application 13, addendum ADAMS) may or may not exist near the point at which the UNIVERSE (potentially) returns to singularity.
--Humpty Dumpty was pushed!
A method of keeping obvious ideas to oneself for financial gain, without needing to protect a trade secret. An application is filed for said patent with the United States Patent and Trademark Office, who will then approve said patent regardless of obviousness. Henceforth, Patentee has the exclusive right to an obvious idea, barring intervention by another party in a court of law, whereupon we spend more money than aformentioned third party in court such that our patent remains.
In english: We're patenting filing obvious patents. We're also patenting outspending our opponents in court.
Q:Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A:All my autopsies have been performed on dead peop
By maniupulating the mouse's roller wheel(if available), you can shop for whatever items you want. Shopping is 1 roll away!
In memory of Amazon's Affiliate Program patent...
Patent application for the practice of transacting rectangular paper items with pecuniary value. Such items were produced and manufactured by the laborious and painstaking research on behalf of the aforementioned company. In the event that other parties would, in the future, wish to license the process of transaction of these monetary bills, a per-transaction fee will be issued, which in turn will also warrant an additional fee.
Pr0n Screen: A combination of motion sensors, voice recognition devices and specialized software that are hooked up to your computer and automatically pull up the most current office newsletter or stock charts whenever someone else enters the room, thereby allowing the user to surf pr0n at work without constantly looking over their shoulder. Users could also optionally upgrade to have Pr0n Screen automatically switch from pr0n soundtracks on .avi's and such to any number of other wholesome tunes*.
.wav, .mp3, or other digital music.]
[* These songs would be provided by the user. Pr0n Screen would not be held responsible for any copyright infringement incurred by the use of any
The Divine Creatrix in a Mortal Shell that stays Crunchy in Milk
The House Between - Original Sci-Fi Series
That is just the general case of my foodservice innovation - the Spaghetti Burrito.
The problem:
Italian food - especially pasta - is delicious and healthy. In older times, we could simply sit down and enjoy a healthy meal. But these days, in the After Ford era, we don't have that luxury. Since our only source of nourishment is limited to a choice of fast food chains, we have to settle for burgers, pseudo-Mexican food, or various arrangements of extruded chicken parts.
The solution:
The answer is the Spaghetti Burrito. It is a generous helping of pasta and tangy sauce rolled into a flour burrito shell. It can be eaten in one hand. Properly wrapped, it won't leak or tear.
The details:
The Spaghetti Burrito is prepared from pasta, sauce, and the shell. It is flash-frozen and packaged for foodservice distribution. At the restaurant, it is kept frozen until needed. Cooking is simply a matter of dropping into a deep-fry vat until golden brown.
Is this a winner or what?
A dingo ate my sig...
This document describes the business method on creating a knowledgeable management team in a corporation using Darwinian processses: 'Survival of the less stupid'.
Process Flow:
- Manager A is faced with issue for which he is responsible.
- Knowledgeable employee B is under direct management of manager A.
- Manager A tells knowledgeable employee B to offer multiple options on resolving issue.
- Knowledgeable employee B works out one perfect solution (option 1), and two stupid alternatives (options 2 and 3), presents them to manager A.
- Manager A picks a solution
option 1) Good solution -> company does well. Re-iterate process.
option 2 or 3) Stupid solution -> company does bad. Fire manager A, promote dumb employee C to management level, re-iterate.
Continuous iteration of this process will eventually lead to managers picking only option 1, which results in a company that IPO's bigtime -> knowledgeable employee B gets loaded with stock-options.
Okay... I'll do the stupid things first, then you shy people follow.
Okay... I'll do the stupid things first, then you shy people follow.
[Zappa]
Wherein one person (Party A) contacts the second person (Party B) by some means of communication, including, but not limited to sound waves, written communication, electronic communication, or any combination thereof (e.g. Voice over IP).
Upon contacting Party B, Party A then communicates the phrase "Wasssaaaap!"
General Relativity: Space-time tells matter where to go; Matter tells space-time what shape to be.
Send more than one spacecraft with different computers and software designs to do the same mission so that if one catastrophically fails, the other will take a few extra pictures before it does.
- Michael T. Babcock (Yes, I blog)
Notice:
Approval for Patent #4566345345
Title: Hierarchical Binary-Tree Sales Structure
We invented the pyramid scheme first. Amway, Shaklee, Nu-Skin, and myriad vitamin companies may have unwittingly been using OUR patented sales structure for the last 40 years, but we are now ready to defend OUR legally obtained patent as approved by the USPTO. Cease and desist letters are already in the mail. All pyramid scheme and MLM companies will know fear and cower before our patent! Cease & desist now or flee like the dogs that you are!
They call me the working man. I guess that's what I am.
Oh man, you're way too late. Al Gore invented that a LONG time ago.
A method by which items are delivered to the consumer prior to being ordered, or ever actually even wanted. The consumer is then responsible for returning the merchandise if it is not desired, at their own expense of course. As expected, even though the product has been unsolicited by the consumer, all intellectual property rights to the product remain sole property of the company, including it's physical ocnstruction, and the product may not be reverse engineered in any way.
Wait a second, this MAY have been done already....
---There is no spoon....---
How many times have you had to format your hard drive due to a Winblows crash? Sick of having to click "Yes, I'm sure I want to erase my hard drive" style messages? Well, click no more (er, a little less), now with one click, your hard drive can be reformatted to any of various partition types! No annoying confirmation dialogs, no obnoxious warnings, just click and format.
Now being licensed by MightyE.org! You read it there first!
Slay a dragon... over lunch!
I wish to patent R2R sales (Residence to Residence) sales. R2R transactions are performed by the use of a salesperson (hereafter referred to as 'Agent') visiting the residence of a potential customer (to be known as the 'Client') and engaging in the attempt to sell goods/services (known as the 'transaction').
In a typical R2R transaction, an agent will first engage the client in a series of 'hand-shake' interactions. Using a question-response protocol, the agent will ascertain the current status of the client, the physiological status of the client, and the clients willingness to, for example, have a carpet that shines as it did when it was new.
Following the 'hand-shake', the agent will transfer a block of information about the goods/services that he/she is offering. This transfer of information (known colloquilly as 'the pitch') will use a simple XOR error-correction protocol (in the form of questions/response sessions mid pitch) to determine that the client is still responding (example: 'You don't want a dirty carpet, do you?').
Following the transfer, the agent will begin another series of transactions with the client to ascertain readiness to take delivery of the R2R goods/services. Following a succesful negotiation during this communication, the transaction will complete with one final 'handshake' protocol interaction.
I affirm that I believe the above interaction (to be known as R2R Transactions or 'Door to door sales') to be unique and without precedent.
Slashdot should really make an extra allowance of moderation points and update the message to request moderators use them on this topic.
= -
There are a lot of good, good idea wallowing in +1 or +2 despair because moderators stopped after the usual 50 or so posts and have moved on to new topics.
This is a much too popular topic for standard moderation rules (700+ posts and it isn't even one of those major troll fests).
In fact, I will be flat out fricking flabbergasted if this post right here gets moderated...up or down.
Someone wanna prove me wrong and prove that moderators are still sticking it out and giving good posts a chance at the judges eyes?
- JoeShmoe
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-- I wonder which will go down in history as the bigger failure: the War on Drugs or the War on Filesharing
Bah, I deliberately did a text search for "slashdot effect" before I made my post and here it is already as "/. effect".
= -
Hrm, well just FYI I wasn't intending to rip you off, although I did do a more patent-esque explanation than you.
- JoeShmoe
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-- I wonder which will go down in history as the bigger failure: the War on Drugs or the War on Filesharing
"A method or process that uses web communications protocols (aka "HTML or PHP or ASP or perl") to submit a news article containing a hyperlink with the web address of a competing company's website, so that when said link is submitted to high traffic news sites (aka "Slashdot.org") it will cause thousands of user clients (aka "readers") to follow said link and cause the competing company's website to be knocked offline by a high volume and completely legal distributed high traffic flood (aka "the Slashdot effect").
= -
- JoeShmoe
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-- I wonder which will go down in history as the bigger failure: the War on Drugs or the War on Filesharing
Idea: Patent Patents.
"The process of protecting an item from
unauthorized use wherefor is thus to be
implemented by a governmental office. Refer
to Diagram 1a.456 for the procedural method.
-- Begin Diagram 1a.465:
[Patent]<[Everyday]<[Stupid]
[Office]<[Joe ]<[Idea]
-- End Diagram 1a.456
"
Contributors: Sin@irc.slashnet.org,
shaldannon@irc.slashnet.org,
windex@irc.slashnet.org (of course),
MrFalcon@irc.slashnet.org
P.S. We would like the $50 to go to the EFF. =)
But t-shirts are cool.
SlideShow A method that allows a computer user to view screens of information ("slides") without interacting with the computer via keyboard, mouse or by any other means.
The slides can be shown consecutively or in a random fashion.
The set of all slides shown in a certain fashion will be called "slideshow".
The slideshow can repeat itself indefinitely or a set amount of times.
The user indicates which slides will be included in the slide show.
The user also indicates when the slide show will start.
The user is responsible of setting up the medium that will transmit the slideshow, be it a TV, LCD screen or CRT computer monitor.
This patent does not propose any method to create the slides.
This patent does not deal with the problem of printing any of the slides composing the slideshow nor any solution to transmit the slideshow to others using electronic means.
It can be implemented as a function of a executable application or using web browser scripting languages.
p.s. Yes, there's prior art available but who's gonna notice, certainly not the patent examiners.
"All the things one has forgotten scream for help in dreams". Elias Canetti
A device that can be used to store information in such a way that it will not be readable afterwards. The device works by connecting pins to it and sending information that will be written to it. The clever part is that it is totally secure in that it is impossible for an intruder to have access to the data.
... In general any object that doesn't allow to read the information you write to it is considered WOM and should be licensed by me.
Examples of WOM are wooden sticks, raw pieces of plastics, glass, or other material,
Opus: the Swiss army knife of audio codec
Unfortunatly (well, fortunatly), I've got prior art for you!
Opus: the Swiss army knife of audio codec
For 0-bit lossless compression...
I compress with "delete" and decompress with "undelete". I still have a couple minor glitches to figure out, but they are mostly implementation details that cause problems when the disk is almost full. Anyway, I'll apply for a patent right now!
Opus: the Swiss army knife of audio codec
A method by which the complete works of the author William Shakespeare ("Works") may be reproduced using only simians ("Monkeys"), typewriters ("Typewriters"), and an infinite amount of time ("Time").
The method for reproducing the Works can be summarized as follows. The physical components required for reproducing the Works are Monkeys and Typewriters. A certain number of Monkeys is introduced into the process. This number shall be equal to infinity. An equal number of Typewriters are then introduced into the process. Thus, the process contains an infinitude of both Monkeys and Typewriters. Given these components, the process shall continue for a certain amount of Time. This amount of Time shall equal infinity. At the end of this Time, the Works will have been reproduced.
An exhaustive search for previous art was done by a team of lawyers ("Babboons"), and it was found that no previous process has been demonstrated that successfully reproduced the Works using only Monkeys and Typewriters.
Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.
The Zero-Knowledge shopping system (known hereafter as "God") is a customer-(known here after as "peon") oriented system designed to simplify the tricky process of buying products (known hereafter as "crap") online. God tracks His peons online, and He decides what crap they need. When the peons give God their credit card numbers, He bills them for the crap and sends it to their address (which, of course, He knows).
Prior art:
None. God is so original that nobody could have ever had the sheer genius necessary to think of something like this.
~=Keelor
I have a current list of offenders who I will shortly be taking to court. The list consists of the following:
Amazon: Charging different customers different prices for the same DVD as part of a "test" program.
RealPlayer: For secretly tracking the usage of their products, invading their customers' privacy
Microsoft: For Win3.1, Win95, Win98, WinME...... the list is actually too long, but most significantly for removing OEM cd's from computers, replacing them with recovery cds
LinkExchange: For trying to discover absolutely everything about everybody, whether they like it or not.
AT&T: For trying to charge businesses for using their backbones for commerce.
Metallica: Alienating their number one fans
Various Movie/TV Companies: For shutting down fan sites and alienating their biggest fans. Sure, smack down the people who love you the most.
George Lucas: For Episode I. 'Nuff Sed.
As you can see, this has thousands of uses and the list grows everyday. Muhahahah! This patent also includes stupid patents, such as one-click and patenting the hyperlink. You're aaaalllllll mine!
perhaps it would not stand up in court. But assuming that they don't actually check everywhere, or they don't actually review it, it certainly can be patented.
t
A means by which legal rights are assigned to an individual or corporation for an idea, process or invention. Said rights would entitle the owner to exclusivity on said idea, process or invention for a predetermined span of time. Infringement on said idea, process or invention would result in monetary recompense or legal recourse.
Follow-up patent: the process by which said rights are submitted for determination. Would Include a listing of said rights in a large institution for use in enforcement via legal proceedings. Said institution could be called a "patent office".
Wood Shavings!
Wood Shavings!
- Godai
http:/ /st ore.artisanent.com/cgi-bin/storeartisan/bwstore/fl ash/index.html
------
WWhhaatt ddooeess dduupplleexx mmeeaann??
This sig intentionally left justified.
Method for creation of creation of carbon dioxide in which a human being, equipped with "Lungs" (Patent pending) is capable of drawing oxygen-enriched gas from the atmosphere inside his body, and afterwards expelling carbon dioxide
----
ADVENTURERS! - ANTIHERO FOR HIRE - CARDMASTER CONFLICT
This method shares the advantage of aerobreaking in that this orbit can be achieved with no expenditure of rocket propellent. It will generally be required to structurally strengthen the satellite to withstand the stress of the lithobraking manouver. The lithobraking stress can be reduced by applying conventional rocket thrust prior to the manouver to reduce the lithobraking delta-v.
This method is also applicable for the Earth, allowing precise location of low altitude geostationary communications satellites almost anywhere in the world, although line-of-sight restrictions may limit the useful range of such satellites.
Quattuor res in hoc mundo sanctae sunt: libri, liberi, libertas et liberalitas.
By this statement, we mean to describe a means of item selection via the combined use of a cursor movement device (the "pointer") and an electromechanical switch (the "selector"). The intent is that a computer operator may move a spatial positioning indicator (the "cursor") freely around on an electronic display, by use of the pointer. Several user-configurable pictographs ("icons") may be placed on this display, each one symbolising a function or application on the device attached to the display (the "computer").
When the cursor's position coincides with that of one of the icons, the selector may be engaged to activate the function assigned to that icon.
---
There. I've just created a patent framework for using a mouse (trackball, light-pen, etc.)
"People who do stupid things with hazardous materials often die." -- Jim Davidson on alt.folklore.urban
I intend to patent the process by which any aerobic living organism, possessing a willful soul, is purposely transposed from the state of functionality to an inanimate state, by that organisms soleful wish and execution, or suicide in layman's terms. Any animate being that that sucessfully executes a plan of events that forfeits that being's life shall relinquish their entire estate of assets, body, and soul to my corporation. Such steps include:
* Any use of firearms, legal or illegal
* Any use of a motor vehicle, regardless of subject being inside or outside the vehicle
* Any use of medicinal aids or controlled substances, especially in combination with alcohol
* Any use of legal goods that are socially acceptable, but still cause bodily harm
* Any use of personal sexual items upon any cavity found on the subject's being
* Any use of computer hardware being bashed over the subject's head or posterior
* Any use of farm animals falling from the top of large (being at least 20' high) barns onto the subject's head or posterior
* Any use of the combination of duct tape, vodka, and pressurized air on the subject's anal cavity
* Any use of an elderly (being of at least 50 years of age) person as a weapon in club-like fashion
* Any other uses not covered herewithin would still forfeit your posessions to my corporation
Too many lazy moderators, etc. Once a post is up to Score 5, everyone will go home, and read the next story, ignoring the 200+ other submissions. My vote that the sid #4 post will win, just because it's so high on the list. :)
Anyone attempting to develop a Left Handed Coffee Cup or designing technology designed to duplicate the function of the left handed coffee cup without the proper license will be hunted down like dogs(like reverse engineering a right handed coffee cup - that's a no no) and they will feel the full wrath of my lawyers.
This is my patent.
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ah honey, we're all resplendent - Bill Mallonee
This is easily done in Flash.
Here is a demo of the concept in action. Drag the items (a,b,c,d) to the cart and the price and quantities will be updated.
-gerbik
By the creator of Dilbert. I'm pretty sure I saw zero-click shopping in a Dilbert strip somewhere...
--
Peace,
Lord Omlette
ICQ# 77863057
[o]_O
Have you ever read a patenet? The more *claims* the better. Also, you need to word your claims such that they will be incomprehensible to normal human beings. That way, they will rubber-stamp the patent rather than drive themselves insane trying to figure out what you really mean. Allow me to demonstrate:
Claim 1: In a cocaine delivery system, where the drug (cocaine) is mixed with other substances.
Claim 2: In said cocaine delivery system mentioned in claim 1, where the ingrediants mixed are baking soda, water, or any other ingrediants. Notwithstanding claims on mixing of baking soda and water, also any other substance, mixed with said drug (cocaine) and baked.
Claim 3: In a drug mixture, the application of heat to the drug or a mixture of the drug and some other substance.
Claim 4: The formation of a solid substrate aggregate of cocaine and other substances as described in prior claims (see claims 1 through 3) and the breaking of said solid substrate into cubes or any other regular geometric solid, or any irregular geometric solid smaller than the original aggregate solid.
Claim 5: Subsequent application of heat to the aggregate and/or chunks of said aggregate in a glass vessel using any method of heating to include (but not restricted to) lighters, matches, blow torches, candles, or other sources of heat.
Claim 6: Inhalation of vapors arising from subsequent heating of said aggregate in said glass vessel, and implements used to enhance, concentrate or facilitte the inhalation of said vapors.
For all intensive purposes, "whom" is no longer a word. That begs the question, "who cares"?
It's always wise to check for prior art, you might usefully look in the Gallery of Obscure Patents before submitting ideas to Slashdot. My favo(u)rite is: Method of Exercising a Cat
While it is usually desirable to make precise copies, at times imprecise copies have their advantages. This patent focuses on making imprecise copies by combining design information from two templates, each of which are assumed to have been copied by prior application of this same process.
This process is enabled by having each item carry redundant design information for each aspect. On each aspect of construction, an arbitrary function of the two copies of design information may be used, ranging from exclusive use of one copy to complete merging of both copies. The imprecise copy is made by using one copy of each design aspect from each template, and merging all of these design materials for the new copy.
In practice, one template will form the host for the new copy, and the other template will contribute design information. Since the construction of the new copy may be a lengthy process, both templates are optimally required for the duration.
In a preferred embodiment, at least the beginning of this process is pleasurable to both templates. Also in a preferred embodiment the continued association of templates is considered beneficial to all parties involved. In the most preferred embodiment, the copy eventually assumes independent function, and ultimately continues the process, providing the first templates with yet another copy to fuss over, and hand back when it messes itself.
The living have better things to do than to continue hating the dead.
Application for a patent on distributed software development:
A business method in which the business operator begins development of a programming effort, and then freely distributes the code under a license requiring that source code be made available with any derived works. This gives legal recourse if a competitor attempts to market the product as their own proprietary product. The original developer's status as project manager should be sufficient to retain control of the project, while volunteers assume the bulk of the development effort. These expert volunteers derive their compensation by having input on the project, and being able to freely use the product, due to the aforementioned license, which requires that source code be left open and freely distributed along with the product. The original developer is left in an optimal position for selling services and support related to the product to the common user.
WARNING: there is a trojan on your
(I'm sure to get this one, as the USPTO has obviously never heard of it. Unconvinced? Download this file, unzip it, and skip to the description at the very end. (Warning: the file is approximately 2 megs.))
--
--
We have fought the AC's, and they have won.
Fight Spammers!
OK, here goes then:
Credit-limit Thrash Anti-fraud operation: In an attempt to defeat a credit card being used fraudulently, a shopper may ask a merchant with whom he is conducting business to charge the full amount of his credit limit to the card. This then makes the card useless for fradulent purchases until the card holder pays his next bill. In return the amount charged can either be held in credit by the merchant to be used in the future, or a cheque or postal order sent to the customer by the merchant, minus a nominal handling charge. Not only does this system prevent credit card fraud, but also actually increases the shoppers credit rating, providing of course he meets bill payments.
Automatic Friendly Mail Generator: It is often difficult to remember to e-mail friends and family who are trying to remain in contact with you on a regular basis. In addition, coming up with original and interesting content to be sent to such groups of people is time consuming and a strain to the average user. This patent proposes a system to be embedded into an MUA (aka E-mail client) that will at random times send random, interesting content to people in the user's address book. A configuration facility would exist to be able to alter the length and style of the communication, from messages that just state something along the lines of "Hey dude, what's happening?" to being able to retrieve and send pornographic content from the user's own collection. This would maintain and foster relationships with family and friends, and the user would not have to concern himself with the content of e-mails ever again.
On-hold Music Request System: As call centers get smaller and queues of callers get larger, the amount of time spent by customers "on-hold" waiting for an operator increases dramatically. A major cause of aggrevation for such customers is disagreeable music being played down the line whilst on-hold. Some customer like Jazz, others Classical, others still Rock. This patent covers a system whereby the customer is able to specify the style and perhaps particular track that s/he would prefer to listen to whilst on-hold, with the music being played from a digital MP3 library connected to the call center telecoms equipment. This idea could potentially extended in the future so that pornographic content can be listened to by the caller if they are on-hold whilst dialling a premium rate number, thereby causing an additional revenue source for the company and additional work for any female workers who are not currently assigned work.
Reverse Peer-to-peer Sharing: A system similar to Napster, except instead of users determining what they would like to download or retrieve via the peer-to-peer system, other users "push" content onto other user's machines. This acts as a convinient and cost-effective method to distribute virsuses, trojans, commercial content, cause mass Denial of Service of machines, etc. and would in effect be of more assitance and value to the distributor more than the recipient, however the recipient may occasionally receive music from a band s/he had never heard of and like it, therefore this system causes a liberalisation of taste and cultural diversity.
Election Simulation System: In most countries with democratic voting systems, the cost of an election campaign is costly and timely for all concerned. This patent covers a system whereby governments are legally elected by doing the following:- firstly, the system would scan all on-line news sources to judge the number of column inches devoted to each political party in a given election to ensure that it's choice is at least a popular choice (minority parties get less column inches, so score more lowly). The text is scanned for keywords that would indicate a positive or negative stance towards the party, and this score is maintained. At this point, the computer has an early indication of who the likely winner is, but will add some random "noise" to take into account the effect real-life voters who are drunks, dope fiends, or both would have in a real election. In the event of a dead-heat the election winner is determined by a simulated roll of the dice, whereby the seed for randomness is based around radiation of a given isotope considered to be as random as randomness can be.
You're infringing on my IP, dammit. I'm gonna sue your ass. Check it
And on your forums, no less! I think that constitutes a warning of infringement. Now that you've willfully disregarded that, I've got no choice but to sue you for millions. I think you copied my design, to, which was a trade secret.
A Method For Securing Extended Patent-level Intellectual Property Protection on Non-inventions
A central limitation of US patent law is the short duration of patents, and the limited number of classes of things that may be patented. The method specified herein describes a business model that utilizes the Digital Millenium Copyright Act and careful contractual arrangements to secure a protracted (35 years to 150 years) monopoly rights to anything: including but not limited to, concepts, file storage formats, methods of communication, business models, and international trade policy.
In this model, the person or agency seeking the aforementioned protection fixes the concepts or embodiments thereof onto a fixed medium as defined by US copyright law using any digital method of data storage. As an arbitrarily encoded stream of digital information, the fixed expression of the concept is imperceptable without the aid of a method for translation (access) into human perceivable form and thus an perception requires technological means to access it. This embodiment, itself a device, is thus rendered illegal to come into contact with or be perceived by any person or mechanical implement except per any explicit and arbitrary terms defined a priori OR a posteriori by the party so seeking protection. Anyone not abiding the terms of said party are committing a felony and subject to criminal penalties. Reverse engineering is thuse also rendered impossible since reverse engineering would imply require prior access to said material, itself a felony.
Further, the design, conceptualization, or mere communication thereof of any technology or method for accessing the protected item is also a felony. Further, unlike patents, the access protection last as long as a copyright (much longer than a typical patent), and the because the person or agency has the right to squelch communication related to the underlying accessibility, including technology, encoding, file format, language, numerical system, symbology, or fundamental concepts -- any and all critique, undesirable use, use by undesirable persons, use by foreign persons, et cetera can be effectively and lawfully disposed of.
This method is immediately applicable to all things expressible including but not limited to books, films, personal opinions, information private and public, performances, methods of business, historical documents, cultural traditions, and collections.
Prior art: ref. Motion Picture Association of America (Jack Valenti); Recording Industry Association of America; S. Milosevic; V. Lenin; A. Hitler.
I claim that my invention is an extremely large, dense, spheroid mass which creates a sufficiently large magnetic field to attract smaller bodies of mass. This invention, due to its size, rotates independently of any visible external forces, and contains a heat source which, if properly harnessed, could maintain a temperature of approx. 30 deg. C in most structures.
This spheroid is also capable of harnessing energy, as well; if sufficiently close to an active stellar mass, it can retain a percentage of the emmitted electromagnetic energy sufficient to maintain dihydrogen oxide at liquid temperatures throughout the rotational period.
I used to be someone else. Now I'm someone better.
Real life is underrated.
AFAIR, the guy who invented it (and it was a damn good idea IMO) managed to get patents on it is most countries but in the USA it was ruled that replacing the wheel with a ball was obvious and it was refused. Hence the inventer got screwed as everybody could copy it.
This is all from wetware so I could be competely wrong (it may also be a UL). Also, my memory is telling me that the inventer was Dyson (the same guy who invented the bag-less vacuum cleaner)
The link to ThinkGeek should be http://www.think.com/ and not http://thinkgeek/.
You sir, are a fraud. So sad that such a sterling idea had to come out of the mind of such a rascal.
Hopefully I didn't put any [] around my words.
I respectfully disagree...
That's what the patent office has been doing to grant the patents. It's a no-brainer to attempt to patent something, given the economical advantage you might get. That'd be like saying that anyone who responded must be smoking crack, because they might get a $50 ThinkGeek gift certificate. Applying's smart, fooling the patent office is annoying, but the patent office being fooled - that's where the crack comes in.
You are in a maze of twisty little relative jumps, all alike.
I patent the act of placing one's body onto an object commonly known as a "bed," typically covering same body with items known as "blankets," with the intent of closing one's eyes and descending into a state of semiconsciousness with the intent of resting oneself. All persons who engage in this act are now hereby required to remit a royalty fee of $1 every time they engage in same.
=================================
I pledge allegiance to the flag...
of the Corporate States of America...
a patent on the business practice of patenting stupid and/or obvious ideas and charging ridiculously high licensing fees to others who wish to use them.
I know similar things have been posted earlier, but phrasing it like this would make it really funny if it actually got approved.
This is supposed to be great art. So why does it look like a bunch of decapitated naked people? -- Calvin
Initial conditions:
- 1. Be in the presence of your SO somewhere in public. Best results for this method are found at the beach or someplace similar where scantily clad people frequent.
Procedure:2. Eyes open and scanning steadily upon a crowd of people unknown to you.
3. SO attentive and waiting for you to screw up.
- 1. Find someone of the gender matching your sexual preference that is attractive to you. Inhale softly.
Patent applicant will not be held responsible for any legal proceedings or hospital bills resulting in the successful use of this method.2. Stare at your target for a few seconds to make sure your SO knows what you're doing.
3. Speak the word "Wow!".
4. Wait for the shit to hit the fan.
One can factor prime numbers by simply entering them into my patent-pending PrimeFactor function.
Here is the proposed PrimeFactor function, implemented in C. This post serves as prior art, so don't think about stealing my solution to this major mathematical problem that has confounded humanity for centuries.
void PrimeFactor(double PrimeNum)
{
cout << "The factors of the Prime Number are 1 and " << PrimeNum << endl;
}
Thank you for your consideration.
I watch the sea.
I saw it on TV.
No, Thursday's out. How about never - is never good for you?
"A method, or process of removal of fecal and other unwanted material from the posterior of a human being. Using a tissue-paper based material (available from common grocery markets), one can induce an act of wiping - the repeated motion from one's hand, moving front to back while holding tissue-paper - to remove the fecal and other unwanted materials. This movement shall be used on the human posterior, and the results, after several applications, shall be a clean, and fecal free human posterior.
-- If we don't stand up for our rights, now, there will be no right to stand up for them later.
I hereby request the following patent: One Blink Shopping. This new and exciting technology allows the client (hereby refered to as the 'sucker') to purchase items from our website by blinking. This technology is an application of specific and proprietary javascript code which redirects our users to our price-point software (here after known as sucker fscker). This then sends the shopper through to our jam and jellies and poultry department (the smuckers and cluckers sucker fscker) and then on their receipt. This process of sending the sucker through the sucker fscker and on to the smuckers and cluckers sucker fscker is proprietary and should be issued a patent.
So there I was. Naked. In a refrigerator. With a potroast on my knees. Smokin a cigar. That's when it got REALLY weird.
Are you tired of going to Starbucks to get a tasty latte, only to find it's at a piping 180 degrees F? Look no further!
Our team of expertly trained professionals have developed a means to alleviate this overactivity of molecules.
By using the mechanics of a technology called "heat transfer" our low-cost highly-efficient system will take that scalding mess to a managleable level.
That's right... its time for The Ain't-So-Hot coffee balancing system!!!
You get:
One polystyrine bag
12 of our magical "Ain't-So-Hot" specially formulated ice crystals.
The special Maxium-Effectiveness Spoon
If you order right now we'll even give you the amazing 2-Hour Refill Freezer Tray kit, allowing you to never run out of Ain't-So-Hot (natural Ain't-So-Hot spring water fuel is not available in stores, and can be ordered through our web site.)
I look forward to hearing you say... "That coffee Ain't-So-HOT!!"
----
Thanks for letting me on the show, Dave.
----
Vote for freedom!
---
The Universe encompasses large hard bodies called planets and brighter balls of gas named stars. In between is an enormous amount of rather empty space, which lends room for my patent to grow and modify itself as legal needs take merit.
Within its vast reaches, the Universe can seed life and produce intelligent civilizations* who create geographical boundaries, science and laws*.
Given my rather early correlation with said patent, it is trivial to see why it should encompass most others.
Sincerely,
God
* Intelligence of civilizations not guaranteed."
- I don't care if they globalize against free speech. All my best free thoughts are done in my head.
A method of using sophisticated voice recognition technology to advance presentation slides in a synchronous fashion by use of voice commands. The method has been demonstrated to advance slides forward, show them in reverse order, and skip ahead or behind in distinct pre-defined intervals. The technology allows a speaker to move about while speaking and not have to manually advance the keys on their traditional presentation controller (usually a laptop computer).
... Next Slide!"
..."
A successful test of the technology was made three months ago by yours truly. I showed up at a conference without a laptop and had to give a talk. Luckily, they had extra laptops wired into the system at the back of the room. I gave the operator my floppy and went to the podium, starting with "OK, today I am going to showcase my voice activated remote
The slide changed. Half the people laughed. The other half said "Wow
Firstly - in user-interface terms, a drag is distinct from a click.
How to get past Tescos -
If the patent is to exclude Tescos, then it must be formulated specificly to do so. Find something that tescos does that you don't want, and patent something without that thing. (so if Tescos pops up a dialogue box at a particular, patent the process _not_ using a dialog box at that stage).
Now the Improvement -
Reorder the process, and add one extra feature which makes perfect sense in the real world.
Reorder: patent the entering of payment details _before_ the shopping commences, perhaps.
Extra feature: patent the entry of a self-imposed spending-limit, and add the feature of telling you how close you are to your spending limit after each item selection.
FatPhil
Also FatPhil on SoylentNews, id 863
This patent covers the serving of dynamic news related content via obfuscated CGI scripts written in perl to be delivered to geek news reading masses. Patent #18524 covers the practice of receiving end user information input via web based forms. Patent #18525 covers the moderation of any such comments so as to filter out any unwanted/undesirable comments, and raise attention to comments which are insightful, informational, funny, etc. Respective patent #18526 covers the business practice named 'Karma Whoring' (of which the author is obviously innocent).
(Moderation of this post upwards is expressly prohibited by patent #18525
---
Video meliora proboque deteriora sequor - Ovidius
I was thinking of applying for a range of patents:
TITLE: 'Being bloody stupid' buisness practice
ABSTRACT: A buisness practice that demonstrates ignorance and contempt towards the requirements and wishes of customers, i.e. Microsoft.
TITLE: 'Patently Obvious' action
ABSTRACT: An action by which a process, product, action, device or construct may proceed from a non-completed state to either a completed state or a state nearer to the state of completion than the initial state, which is, to some degree, faster, easier, cheaper, or more efficent than other potential options for completing or progressing said process, product, action, device or construct.
TITLE: One-click or similar input
ABSTRACT: A method of inputing computer data into a device such as a computer that involves, in some manner, performing an action invoking an electromechanical device that makes a sound that could be described as a 'click', or a device possesing a likeness to said device which does not make a 'click' but which could potentially be expected to make a 'clicking' sound.
TITLE: Eating
ABSTRACT: A process by which a biological entity such as a human can consume nourishment of some type, i.e. pizza.
Well, those are my entries.
Michael
...another comment from Michael Tandy.
"Goodness me, how unlike the FBI to abuse the trust of the American public." -- The Onion
Examples of possible strings include:
The Rectangular GUI Element Descriptor's primary purpose is to describe or summarize the contents or function of the Rectangular GUI Element to which it is attached, but it may also serve to insult or confuse the user, or be entirely without purpose.
-- dR.fuZZo
This is clever. Will Blink(tm) Inc. also offer supplemental moistener in case the biological moistener cannot overcome excessive dryness?
This is not the way to build a lasting empire.
"A switch, mechanical (mechanical being defined as being created via physical parts) or virtual (virtual being defined as being created via a computer program/script software or firmware) in nature than when properly used will cause a device or function to work in a predetermined manner and when used again will cause a device to cease its functioning. As part of the operation of this switch, an attached mechanical or virtual sensory indicator (audio, visual, tactile, nasal, or taste) will be activated to provide notice of whether or not the switch has properly caused the predetermined function to begin or caused it to stop.
This is not the way to build a lasting empire.
Yes, but isn't that P3P?
sulli
RTFJ.
As in microsoft.con : "How are we going to take you today?"
Interested investors should email: guido@bent.nose.com
A Plan to use Action Describing or Implicating Words in the spoken or written language as a persuasive tool to sell goods and or services.
:)
Our method of Action Describing or Implicating Words (trade name: "Verbs") increases rates of sales by allowing the licensee of the method to fully describe anything, be it an object or an action. This also allows for more persuasive sales pitches! These "Verbs" are the most important part of our method, and should be considered our Intellectual Property. Being that our sales plan relies on this Intellectual Property, all uses not licensed by we, the inventors, are prohibited. Prosecutors will be Violated
Yes. It's a patent on verbs.
"I hope I don't make a mistake and manage to remain a virgin." - Britney Spears
------
[The day that it is granted]
Business Wire (DC) - Axiomatic Technologies, Inc., is issuing cease and desist orders to all companies which produce or use any of the following unlicensed technologies which violate their patents: RPC Calls, "Distributed Internet Computing Clients", "N-Tier Client-Server Architectures", Ethernet Cards, SCSI Cards, and Accelerated Video Cards.
We will be giving a 30 day grace period for companies and individuals using these technologies to contact us about license negotiations before we begin court proceedings. Failure to being court proceedings with any individual or company shortly after the 30 day grace period in no way limits our rights of future litigation for these and other violations of our patent.
11*43+456^2
http://slashdot.org/article.p l?s id=00/10/03/024243
How about hot key shopping?
C-x b Move to next Store
C-x f Open a new Store
C-h k Describe the item
ESC w Add to cart C-k Remove from cart
You get the idea... unless amazon is working on a patent for the shopping cart.
change me
Actually, I'm not really a karma whore. 65% or so of my karma comes from story points. =) Actually, the original post was the best I could come up with five minutes after awaking this morning.
--
-- Geof F. Morris
Precisely! This was actually a semi-experiment on my behalf--could I fool moderators into taking something that isn't a patent and calling it one? Since my original comment got modded up to 4, I'd say I succeeded.
Now, you can view the results in two ways:
It bothers me that the /. crowd is very anti-patent yet seems unwilling to examine the usefulness of patents.
--
-- Geof F. Morris
A method and apparatus that utilises speech recognition in order to terminate computer programs.
What is claimed is:
- A device, comprising of a computer, a microphone, a sound card, and a computer program that controls the operation of said sound card, which upon receiving an audio signal of predetermined quality, terminates other program running on said computer.
- A device, comprising of a computer, a microphone, a sound card, and a computer program that controls the operation of said sound card, which upon receiving an audio signal of predetermined characteristic, performs a hard reboot of said computer
- A device of claim 1, where said computer program can recognize a plurality of audio signals and terminate any of a plurality of predetermined set of computer programs according to the signal given
- A device of claim 1, where said computer program can recognize a plurality of audio signals and present a menu of choices on the screen of said computer, together with means of navigating said menu by issuing voice commands, whereas the plurality of items of said menu represent the plurality of processes running on said computer
Preferred embodiment: a user runs one of a plurality of "trojan horse" programs that offer the user to show a pornographic image after the user presses ten keys simultaneously, and then warns the user that the hard disk of the computer will be reformatted after one of the keys is released. The user then invokes one of the termination functions which are offered by the presented device.--
no no... he patented a specific algorithm; that is, one exact implementation of my new patent. And I had mine first.
Do geeks believe in this strongly enough to pledge money?
Does the honor system work as a payment method for a one-time service performed for the community at large (like writing a song or book or whatever)?
And lastly, is the patent system really as COMPLETELY fucked as we seem to think it is?
As a side note, I think I would pay money. Heck, get copyleft (OK not them, but someone similar) to print a T-shirt with the patent on it; sell shirts to get money to submit the patent.
A method for converting binary data into a smaller quantity of binary data which conveys the same meaning when put to its original purpose. The process would be carried out initially by a piece of computer software ("compressor") which would apply an algorithm to the original binary data. This algorithm would take advantage of patterns in the data, either by searching for them at the time of the running of the compressor or patterns assumed to be present because of the type of data being processed by the algorithm ("compressed"). Depending upon the situation, and the neccessity for the original data to be preserved exactly as opposed to only in meaning, the algorithm applied could be either reversible completely ("lossless") or could produce a different, but similar, set of original data when reversed ("lossy"). For example, a lossy compression algorithm applied to a picture would, when reversed ("decompressed"), produce a picture similar to the original; that is, to the human eye, it would appear to be the same picture, although potenntially of a lower quality. A lossless algorithm would reproduce the original exactly, giving a higher quality output. This technique could be used for many purposes. These include, but are not limited to, compression of images and sounds associated with Web pages; compression of videos to facilitate their transfer across the Internet, and compression of data on a storage media for purposes of allowing more data to be stored.
For the record, I submit:
Patent #1:
An biologically grown, organic neural-network consisting of Neurons(TM) which interface with each other and external devices, called Sensing Organs(TM-separate patent also applied for), and Muscle Technology(TM -- crosslicensed from the BowFlex Corporation), using Nerves(TM of Maxwell House International) which conduct bi-directional microcurrents in order to receive sensory input, control aforementioned external devices, and conduct higher-level cognitive thinking (due to manufacturing tolerances, cognitive thinking is not guaranteed in all models). It will be called Cerveau.
If anyone is using one of these right now, you owe me big time!
Patent #2:
I also submit a business method which consists of simply licensing the use of the Cerveau to individual users (instead of actually selling it to them), installing a neural packet-sniffer which will allow the licensor to monitor the activity of the Cerveau for any unauthorized Thoughts(TM), and remote disable/deactivate the Cerveau. This will also prevent resale/re-installation of the Cerveau into a new Host, and ensure compliance with all approved thought-patterns.
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The truth is out th- oh, wait, here it is...
the scary thing is, THE RUSSIANS BEAT ME TO IT BY PATENTING THE BOTTLE!
no joke. then again, this is at the russian patent office, which is even more lenient than the USPTO...
---
---
Is this the MPAA? Is this the RIAA? Is this the DMCA? I thought it was the USA!
Stupid:
A method of dried mucus extraction from nasal passages without contaminating the finger. The user will unroll a small latex covering over their index finger, left or right, which then may be inserted into the nasal passage to prod or extract discomforting dried mucus.
Very Stupid:
Randomly Accessible Memory. This comprises the process of manufacturing electronic memory circuits with intermittant errors. At any given moment a memory controller may attempt to access a particular bit or series of bits, which may or may not return the actual contents. This also applies if the particular bit or bits in question change their values for no apparent reason.
Extremely Stupid:
Internet-free shopping. A boiler room of psychics will ascertain what they buyer wants, the payment method and shipping address. Goods will be shipped to the buyer, so as to be timed with when the buyer thinks of getting such a good. All purchases would be non-refundable, as the buyer already knew exactly what they wanted at the time of order and all manufacturer defects have been found by premonition and fixed prior to shipping. Insightful:
Cheese-O-Meter, which inserted into a block of cheddar will measure firmness, pH and enzyme activity to keep a person appraised of cheese fitness. The device will have a communications port (IEEE 1394) which may be connected to a hub, and thusly a remote computer system for maintaining up to the second data. Variations and appliances include: Spam-O-Scope and Sausage Link.
--
Chief Frog Inspector
A feeling of having made the same mistake before: Deja Foobar
Ah kawlz it: Hill Billy Basik an it'll look sommat lahk this hyar egzampel:
awn_errer_git_to skeedaddel
ah_sez "Howdy!"
ah_sez "How ya'll doin?"
ah_sez "Smack A fer money an B fer gunz an"
ah_sez "C ta bekawm a gol-danged billyonaire!"
git_inpoot a$
iffen a$ equalz "A" theyan
open "floorboardz" as fahl exx
get_inpoot #exx, savins
ah_sez "add whut ta it?"
get_inpoot kaysh
savins = rekon savins an kaysh
print #exx, kaysh
shut exx
iffen_end
iffen a$ equalz "B" theyan
open "shootinarns" as fahl exx
fer ah equalz wun ta lebenty_sebben
git_inpoot #exx, arn$, bullits
ah_sez ah," arn ",arn$," gots ",bullits," rouns"
git_next_un ah
iffen_end
iffen a$ equalz "C" theyan
yall_gosub boot_th_dadgum_servar
iffen_end
kwit
skeedaddel:
holler("ya durn fool, that ain't how it done work!")
stoppit
boot_th_dadgum_servar:
um wraght an aytch-teetee-pee servar
um kawl it sommthin lahk Chippewa
retarn
Nawt thet goldanged Billy, thissun hyar's fer learnin' ya Billygoat ta do somma the laborin' aroun hyar. A gots enuff ta do keepin' revenooers and Jerry Brown outta ma corn squeezins! Way ah figgers, ol Billygoat c'n hannel the fie-nancies an keep trak o' my shoot'n arns an do somma thet sitty-slikker yeehaw-commerse awn hizzn peedy-pee-lebben dayash sebbenty, some decint folk dump't inna hiz pastyer, offen the Zilwaukee brigt (good thin it done landid awn ma or it maughta brokt somthin.)
Anny wun a ya polecats tryz ta cheet me outta mah een-ven-shun gotta anser tah ol' betsy, y'hear?
--
Chief Frog Inspector
A feeling of having made the same mistake before: Deja Foobar
Double Click Shopping is the process wherein javascript or other similar technology is used to determine the number of successive clicks on a link and only activate when such count reaches two. Upon two clicks, an order for said item is automatically entered into the system, given that the user is already entered into the system. Thus we attain the same ease of use as the "One Click Shopping" while using a distinctly different operation that is already quite familiar to most computer users.
My patent is for a CD-R disc that has been rendered unusable due to any number of factors that could cause the writing process to prematurely terminate.
--- Replace ISA with USB? Great idea, I love more cables...
Hey kids, tired of being sued every time you turn around a new product? Order the new Universal Lawyer Repellant. One application will : File a claim with the EFF, issue cease and desist letters, petition the Supreme Court, issue press releases, and even go on Larry King for you. Order now, before you get another one of those pesky summons's
"sex on tv is bad, you might fall off..."
I lost my concept of community when my community lost all concept of me.
Please explain your motivation for trying to patent the concept of a "first post", from now on to be referred to as "fp". It is a bit unclear at this moment in which way the "fp" will benefit mankind or in any other way cause you to become rich, famous or violently ill.
People replying to my sig annoy me. That's why I change it all the time.
Patent application: items: VaporWare(TM) (VapourWare(TM) in Canada) and the "VaporWare: Build Up Greenbacks!" (VW BUG) system. VaporWare claims: 1) any product that does not exist, has never existed, and/or may exist at some future time (but not now) is VaporWare (TM). If it's on paper, it's VaporWare. If it's only in your head, it's VaporWare. If it exists primarily in the hearts and (puny) minds of your marketing department, who have written some REALLY great ad campaigns for it despite the fact that not a single demo or sample has been produced, it's REALLY Vaporware! 2) VaporWare is equivalent to a useless product (i.e. one that has no uses, i.e. something that does nothing). After all, if it doesn't exist, it can't do anything, right? 3) Things that do nothing can be sold. 4) By #2 and #3, VaporWare can be sold. 5) If people will pay money for something, it ought to be patentable (if you don't believe me ask Amazon and Apple). Conclusion: It's patentable! Give me a damn patent! VW BUG Claims: 1) Geeks like owning cool, technological toys. 2) Geeks like talking about and dreaming of owning said toys even more than actually owning them (partially because they usually can't afford to buy said toys). 3) If none of their geek friends are able to buy a cool technological toy due to it's being VaporWare(TM) (see claims above), then the only obstacle to the geeks nattering on about cool toys they wished they owned has been removed. Geeks will talk about their favorite VaporWare of the second/minute/hour/day incessently. Until you wish you (or they, if you have a strong sense of self) had never been born. 4) Geeks have non-geek friends/acquaintances/ people who are forced to spend significant amounts of time in close quarters with them. (Truth IS stranger than fiction.) 5) Non-geeks believe everything that geeks say about cool technological toys because the non- geeks assume from experience/ignorance/stupidity that the geeks know what they are talking about. 6) Non-geeks have way more money than geeks, because they don't waste their money buying as many cool technological toys as possible. 7) Since the non-geeks didn't waste their money (see previous claim), they have capital to invest in companies touting vaporware which all their geek friends are dying to buy if only a real product actually existed. The non-geeks know that these companies are shrewd investments because all the geeks would be lining up to buy whatever it is they claim to be working on if it was an actual product. Conclusion: The VW BUG (VaporWare: Build Up Greenbacks!) system is a surefire way of getting instant capital. Simply come up with an idea that sounds cool (regardless of whether it's technically possible), draw up a few plans (preferably on bar napkins), distribute said plans through geek distribution channels (aka the "In-ter-net"), and watch the $$$ come pouring in! Now if only Bitboys was an American company, they'd owe me a LOT of royalties!
A process by which any two objects are struck together and cause a spark, especially flint.
I would like to patent a matrix . The matrixwould be a wool that when pulled over your eyes would blind you from the truth,
The matrix would be everywhere. it would be all around you. it would be in this very room, it would be there when you looked out your window, or turned on your telivision, you would be able to feel it when you went to work, or church or even to pay your taxes.
it would be wool that when pulled over your eyes would blind you from the truth, the truth that you and everyone else is a slave.
/* oops I accidentally made a comment, sorry */
I hereby submit my patent for the 'Submit' button mechanism, and the 'Submit' process. This process is composed of client-side JavaScript which enables web users to submit information from a web page to the web server for processing or storage. Possible uses of the 'Submit' button mechanism include input into search engines, message boards, or even shopping cart type forms.
The 'Submit' button mechanism is comprised of one or more entry fields (HTML based) and the actual 'Submit' button. The button can be scripted to display a message, such as "Go!", "Buy Now!", or simply "Submit" to the user. The use of graphic images tied to the 'Submit' mechanism via the onclick event and JavaScript scripting is also possible.
Without the use of "Submit" technology, web users typically manually Post data to web pages - dramatically increasing the amount of time it takes to interact with a server.
The 'Submit' mechanism technology is cutting edge and has many, many applications on the internet. Please approve my patent today.
I'm a 2000 man.
My attempt into the silly patent foray:
:)
"A newly found chemical compound, dihydrogen monoxide, hereby refered to as (H20), has been observed under careful laboratory conditions to be responsible for hydration at a cellular level through osmosis(patent no. 86757364), and the efficient transfer of waste heat. H20 is formulated from the chemical reactions of Hydrogen(patent pending) and Oxygen(patent no. 86757365) and can only be created in a controlled laboratory setting. This new discovery, which world scientists are now referring to it by it's unoffical name 'water', may have such uses in erosion, irrigation, and even recreation. This elusive binary compound will hopefully now find it's way into many common, and popular daily uses."
that's all I have to say about that
-Jayson
Excitation of one's own or another's genital organs, usually to orgasm, by manual contact or means other than sexual intercourse.
"Pinky, you've left the lens cap of your mind on again." - P&TB
"I can see my house from here!" - ST:
Let's patent the /. Effect.
"Large amounts of Interent traffic generated from page linking."
Biological optical character recognition.
--
Rob Carlson
--
"May I have ten thousand marbles, please?"
- "Customer" browses various, seemlingly unconnected web sites, all of which have innocent looking
.gifs that track every page they look through harmless cookies.
- The customer buys something at one of these sites, authorizing their credit card for use in future purchases. Don't worry, the customer is told this in the jargonfied fine print.
- ZKS kicks in: according to the web pages that the new ZKS customer has visited recently, they are "sold" things that ZKS decides they need. Been visiting sites that review video cards? ZKS saves you the trouble of finding a site to sell you one!
This is one step better than targeted advertising. Targeted advertising only tells you what you should want to buy, but ZKS buys it for you! After ZKS has your credit card number, you'll never have to visit an annoying e-commerce web site again.~=Keelor
I'm going to drag out the guy who invented the mouse and patent the "double click". People will be forced to install "Click Counters" on all their machines, and you'll have to buy licenses for double-clicking from me.
Once you've neared the end of your 10,000 double clicks, you'll get a friendly reminder that you've only got 100 or so double clicks left before your license expires. (And, of course, you'll have to double-click to remove the pop-up window.)
I'll sue Microsoft first.
Netjak.com independent reviews of domestic & import video ga
I was driving along in the Slashdot Cruiser with my main squeeze, Natalie Portman, reading this on my RedHat Linux 7.0 (woohooo!) laptop (which is the ONLY way to read Slashdot without crashing - I'm talking MS Windoze, not the tinkling of glass as you go through the windshield of the Slashdot Cruiser) when I spot a beowulf cluster of ex-Metallica fans wearing Napster T-shirts and one was carrying a sign that read, "Metallica - I used to be there biggist fan". I roll down the window on the Slashdot Cruiser (it's nice to know that some Windows actually work reliably) and yell, "Hey! Who do you think you are? Commander Taco?" Natalie Portman thought that was hysterical. She likes my sense of humor, but I'm sure that story's been posted before. I love it when she laughs and felt inspired to write a haiku, but then I realized that if this post were any longer someone might mistake me for Jon Katz, so I decided to stop right here.
What do I owe you?
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As a matter of fact, I am a lawyer. But I play an actor on TV.
Progressive Intuitive Logical Errata Stacks. a system that involves placing individual pieces of errata (paper, mt. dew bottles, parts, etc.) upon your desk until there is no usable workspace in non computer and monitor bearing surfaces
....There is nothing a Cattle Prod and a foot length of 7/8" satellite coaxial can't fix/
Powdered Cocaine to be mixed with the appropriate (secret) amounts of baking soda and water and cured at high heat to form a crumbly cake-like substance that can be cut into small cubes. This substance is to be used by placing into a glass pipe and smoked with the use of either a butane lighter, propane torch, or similar flame making instrument.
Yes, I have patented making and smoking crack. That's what some of these executives must be doing to apply for these patents.
LK
"Hi. This is my friend, Jack Shit, and you don't know him." - Lord Kano
Here. For those of you who don't follow The Onion, this story is about Micro$oft patenting ones and zeros, and forcing all other companies to pay them royalties. Probably the best example of a worst-case scenario with our patent system :P
Colin Winters
An initial mail is sent to the Microsoft Office family of email clients, wherein the SPAM reads their email address book, and propagates itself to all members of that address book. After propagation, the SPAM logically deletes or renames certain files, such as .dll and .vxd files and displays an advertisement for the charity of choice of the origin.
Contrary to the popular Melissa and I-Love-You advertising schema, the SPAM method involves a unique advertisement method of overwriting particular files for the explicit purpose of advertising.
This application for patent 31337-68797968 comes in lieu of the failure of the Java Remote File Deletion Function.
I think Asimov (or was it Clarke?) had a story where a person was able to patent the wheel and get royalty payments from everyone.
Funny thing is, this story is at least 5 years old, far before the recent wave of obvious patents.
-- Ever notice that fast-burning fuse looks exactly the same as slow-burning fuse? I didn't... (Edgar Montrose)
I'm patenting a new keyboard that has one new key on it. The new key is the sig key, and it's such a revolutionary idea, I NEED a patent just to stop others from copying this idea.
Here's the deal. After seeing the degredation of english grammar as we know it on the web, I thought to myself, "Why do we even need that big long key at the bottom of the keyboard?" I mean, no one uses it anymore on the web, right? Everyonejusttypeslikethis, becauseit'smoreconvenient, right? So, I spent countless hours calculating what would be the best way to utilize that waste of spac! My revolutionary new idea: the sig key.
There are never any hastles with the sig key! Within that one little key lies your complete private life! On Microsoft's web site? Need to access the help manuals but aren't "registered?" Worry no more! As soon as it asks for your registration, just hit the sig key, and Microsoft will have access to your social security number, all your credit card numbers, your bank account number, birth date, domestic information, marital status, health insurance records, high school and college transcripts, crime records, and the name of the dog you owned when you were 8 years old who got run over by your dad by accident one day after he purchased his brand new SUV. Microsoft will gladly give you access to any part of their website with just one click of the keyboard! There's no hastle and no need to worry with the sig key!
The sig key is a revolutionary new idea that makes one-click shopping obselete. You won't have any problems with Amazon.com. If you see something you like, hit the sig key, and Amazon.com has the right to bill your credit card for millions of dollars and ships to you a bunch of crappy merchandise! The way I figure it, you know you want it, but all to often your mind says no before your fingers say yes! So, heck, let this key make up your mind for you! There isn't even a need to worry over what you want, cause you'll get it all!
Companies across the web are so excited, they'll offer deals if you hit the sig key while on their webiste! Who needs privacy when you can get a free CueCat for hitting the sig key while on Radio Shack's website! Want that brand new computer on WalMart's website? With one flick of the finger, not only will WalMart be ecstatic over giving you a new computer, they'll bill thousands of dollars of other merchandise to you that they're certain you may not have wanted but need anyway! You'll have SO MUCH merchandise at your fingertips, you'll never be able to part with your keyboard! You can't even begin to imagine what you'll receive in using the sig key on government websites!
But that's not all! Right now, we're having a great promotional with this new keyboard! Order today, and you'll get with it a free AOL CD to just give you a taste of the merchandise that will flow to your fingertips after using this new keyboard! To set up AOL, just pop the CD into your CD-ROM drive, run the setup program, then when the program connects you to AOL, just hit the sig key to go online! If you want more time, just hit the sig key a few more times. Heck, hit it as many times as you want, and watch your available time online skyrocket!
As another added bonus, order today, and you'll receive the option of a second and third sig key on your keyboard! We feel that with the decline of the shift key's popularity on the web, why waste space on the keyboard when you'll have a wider range of location to hit the sig key! Perfect for those of us who just cannot find a key to press when we need it! Supplies are limited, order today!
Sadly, Signal 11 has all the prior art.
A highly sophisticated (in most cases) sort of computer with no moving parts, powered mostly by oxygen, caffeine, and sugar, with nearly unlimited storage space (though it's not always all accessible when you need something from it) and an average working life of about 80 years. It never needs to be upgraded (would be a bit messy to try, anyway), and it needs no keyboard, mouse, or other input devices it didn't come with.
In short, I'm patenting the brain. Everyone pay up. Well, everyone except JonKatz. *runs like hell*
This is a Chao. A Chao says "Mu."
This contest does appear to be in vilation of the following patent.....
USP# 5,916,024
Title "System and method of playing games and rewarding successful players"
Issued : June 29, 1999
Author : Henry Von Kohorn
What is claimed is:
1. A method for playing a game sponsored by an advertiser and for rewarding successful players with a prize, comprising the steps of:
transmitting from a central location a first signal group comprising signals conveying a game including a task to which players at their locations
are intended to respond, said signals of said first signal group further conveying response criteria defining at least one acceptable response
to a task by a successful player and governing a scoring of a response of the successful player, the player responding to a task;
establishing a player identification for each of said players and a game identification for correlating each of said players with a game;
scoring a player's response in accordance with said response criteria to determine a successful player's first prize value;
transmitting information regarding the player's first prize information to the advertiser;
following receipt of said information, the advertiser formatting players' prize enhancing instructions;
transmitting to players' locations a second signal group comprising signals conveying product information of the advertiser and prize
enhancing instructions of the advertiser to determine a player's total prize value;
enhancing a player's first prize value in accordance with said instructions to determine the player's total prize value;
providing at a location of the player a recording device programmable by signals of said second signal group;
programming said recording device by said signals; and
said recording device generating a record displaying said product information and the player's total prize information.
(It took me about 3 minutes to find this online..... )
-jon
Please enter my two submissions.
VOSW:
With the growth of our internet focusing more and more on wireless content and WAP (not to be taken as a racial slur), the industry needs to make more and more of our IP-like services compatible with wireless technology. Here I will present a wireless layer 1 medium for transmitting channelized voice content which I call "Voice Over Sound Wave", or "VOSW". Just like optical fiber, this transport will have both short and long haul modes, when aided by repeating devices known as a "Miniature Input Kinetic Enhancer" or "MIKE". There are already several layer two protocols in the works to provide stateful direction of VOSW broadcasts, and even higher layer transports that will allow datagram acknowledgement in order to facilitate what is known as a "conversation".
Layer 0 Switching:
A method of utilizing the latest advancements in quantum computing technology to solve internet congestion and latency issues utilizing switching at "Layer 0", also known as the "Time and Space Layer". Scientists are on the verge of breakthrough technology to allow tachyons to carry data signals faster than the speed of light. This would allow routing and switching devices to take advantage of the elementary physics of the universe to ease congestion. For instance, traffic flowing from a source hop to a destination hop can arrive at the destination before it ever actually leaves the source. A source hop can also decide not to send a packet that it knows will be discarded by the destination hop in a few milliseconds. Also, peak internet usage times can be relieved through related technology known as "Layer 0 Tunneling". Traffic during peak hours can be sent ahead in time through a layer 0 tunnel to later hours that same day, routed across an internetwork, then pulled back into its previous time-space continuum. The internet may never be the same again!
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I have not yet begun to procrastinate!
A method for shopping on the World Wide Web whereby the user need not click on the items to be purchased. Instead, icons representing the items to be purchased are dragged into an iconic representation of a shopping cart. When the user is ready to check out, they drag the shopping cart icon to the icon of the checkout register.
Implementation can be done using JavaScript, Dynamic HTML, or various other dynamic web-based technologies.
Software sucks. Open Source sucks less.
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A special selection of edible, or semi-edible food products that can be eaten with one hand. This allows the end user to eat such foods while being able to carry out other tasks with the other hand. This technology will allow more people to work throughout their lunch break.
U.S. Patent Application:
The concept of submitting a message to a Web-Based-Message-Board [1] chronologically before all other submitters is hereby declared to be the proprietary innovation "First Posting". I have reviewed the entire Web to ensure that no prior art exists. The concept of Fist Posting is heretofore my proprietary technique.
Anyone who infringes upon my patent will be sued.
[1] Message boards such as www.slashdot.org.
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What happens when you outlaw guns
Biological Lens Intermitent Natural Kovering(tm) consists of a sytems of organic, naturally synthesized thin tissue membranes, which when operated permit natural remoisturization of an organic lens system. The intermitent nature of this system permits extended periods of visibility without extended periods of dryness or irritation. Using the "BLINK" system, a user may view objects at near unlimited resolution without suffering from redraw effects. Biological Lens Intermitent Natural Kovering may also be used to provide short term shielding of biological lens systems from minor irritants and extremes of brightness.
-Jason
If I could only live my life with my threshold at 4...
You are in violation of patent #-683, a patent owned by the company I currently represent. This patent covers the process of online contests whereby entries are posted in a moderated forum to be reviewed by a judge outside the moderation system.
t
If they say that business processes cannot be patented, then create a web site that implements the business process of patenting, and patent *that*.
Then sue them for having an internal Intranet system that infringes on your patent.
Abstract
A method for soliciting peer recognition (both positive and negative), in the form of commentary (both explicit text-based replies and implicit via ratings of those replies). These goals are accomplished through a number of techniques, including: (1) Exploiting the Linux evangelism meme, (2) Exploiting the Linux distribution evangelism memes, (3) Exploiting the Microsoft bashing meme, (4) Exploiting the gratuitous mention of "Natalie Portman" meme, (5) Exploiting the humorous haiku meme, (6) Exploiting the Napster controversy meme, (7) Exploiting the criticism of JonKatz meme, (8) Exploiting the "I know you're going to mod me down for this" meme, (9) Exploiting the Beowulf meme, (10) Exploiting the redundant story meme, (11) Exploiting the redundant story meme, (12) Exploiting the "CmdrTaco can't spell" meme, (13) Exploiting the "Slashdot Cruiser" meme.
Claims
1) All mindless Linux evangelism and trolling, done solely for the purpose of garnering replies and attention, is covered by this patent. This claim should also be construed to include any and all benchmark data.
2) Any mention of a Linux distribution, by someone who hasn't personally installed and run at least three different distributions, is likewise covered under this patent. Any addition, any mention of Redhat releases that end in ".0" are additionally covered by this claim.
3) Virtually any mention of Microsoft is covered by the claim.
4) All references to "Natalie Portman" that don't revolve around a discussion of her serious work as an actress are covered by this claim. "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" does not count as a serious work and is thus included in the claim.
5)
Any message with
seventeen syllables is
covered by this claim.
6) Virtually any mention of Napster is covered by this claim. This includes references to Metallica, Lars, and Napster-like programs, such as Gnutella and Mojo Nation.
7) While any mentions of JonKatz would logically be covered by the scope of this claim, the claimant is hearby waiving all claims in this area, so that people may still freely bitch about JonKatz.
8) Given the number of highly modded posts with the phrase "I know I'm going to get modded down for this, but...", the claim is made that this is the one guaranteed way in which to shamelessly and indirectly beg for positive moderation. This claim is intended to cover both the practice as well as the subsequent moderation, thus moderators who do not license this patent may only mod down posts containing this phrase.
9) Any and all mentions of building a Beowulf cluster out of Linux boxes, fish, belly-button lint, or any other conceivable item shall be covered by this claim, with the exception of actual Beowulf cluster discussions. The concept of building a Beowulf cluster out of Natalie Portmans shall be covered by both this claim and claim #4, and will also be referred to any relevant medical ethics boards over the issue of human cloning.
10) Any complaints that a story got posted multiple times, while possible accurate, shall still be covered by this claim.
11) Any complaints that a story got posted multiple times, while possible accurate, shall still be covered by this claim.
12) Any criticisms of CmdrTaco's spelling and/or grammar shall be covered by this claim, unless such criticisms are also accompanied by an offer by the critic to serve as an unpaid proofreader for all Slashdot postings.
13) Any mention of the Slashdot Cruiser, with the exception of news related to the contest itself, shall be considered to fall under this claim. The concept of building a Beowulf cluster out of Slashdot Cruisers shall be covered by both this claim and claim #4.
...the term hacker, and all its variants--elite hacker, 31337 h4X0r, etc. If various news organizations don't stop using the term "hacker" correctly in a sentence, I will send them cease and desist orders--through federal court, if necessary--to have them stop using the term incorrectly! Anyone caught linking to a story about "hackers" without paying me a royalty is also in my debt. Assuming, USPTO is amenable to this, I will then move to patent the term cracker, then maybe the DoS acronym.
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-- Geof F. Morris